


The Reason

by tlcinbflo



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-13
Updated: 2018-03-09
Packaged: 2018-04-09 02:41:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 93
Words: 370,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4330713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tlcinbflo/pseuds/tlcinbflo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was supposed to be a simple shakedown cruise. It was so much more. She was supposed to be his Commanding Officer. She became so much more. How could Kaidan Alenko know this one mission would change his life so completely? How could he know this one woman would alter the course of his future so fully? Shenko from the beginning; ME1-ME3</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Kaidan Alenko couldn’t have been more surprised the week before when he’d received his classified assignment to the Systems Alliance Space Vessel Normandy Stealth Reconnaissance-1. The brand new ship was co-designed by Turians and Humans and there was some speculation on motives. Whether or not it was just a symbol from the Alliance to show they could move passed the events of the First Contact War didn’t matter. The SSV Normandy SR-1 was a marvel of engineering and if the classified shakedown run to which he’d been assigned was a success it would prove to be the new standard for space frigates. 

He had to admit he felt a sense of pride at being assigned to the SSV Normandy. The full crew list was still classified and according to his assignment would remain that way until they boarded. However, between the faces being seen around the station and the names being tossed around it seemed like the most skilled soldiers in the Alliance had been ordered to the ship. The most exciting rumor circulating the station was that Commander Shepard would be on board as the Executive Officer. She had an impressive record and her reputation demanded respect. If the rumor was true, and she had been assigned as second in command it would say a lot about the Brass’s opinion of the Commander. The fact that they thought he would fit among this crew was humbling; he just hoped he could live up to it.

He was leaning against the rails at the docks where the Normandy sat, resting and gleaming in Alliance blue and grey, when he heard a soft ping and a light at his wrist caught his attention. He lifted it and activated his omni-tool. The orange glow of the holographic computer system lit his face as it came to life wrapping around his left hand and forearm as his right hand danced over the keys and he pulled up his inbox. The message indicated the Biotic Amps he had ordered immediately after receiving his assignment had arrived and were ready to be picked up. “Thank god,” He muttered as he powered down the omni-tool and pushed away from the railing. He gave one last look towards the Normandy, and felt a rush of excitement for the next day. He was eager to find out which of the rumors were true. 

He wondered absently, as he made his way towards the market to pick up and pay for his order, if there would be another Biotic on board. He hadn’t worked with another person with biotic ability since training, and that hadn’t ended well. Human, and alien, biotics had the ability to manipulate mass effect fields using dozens of element zero nodules within their nervous system. The eezo nodules react to electric stimuli from the brain allowing the Biotic to manipulate the dark energy. Human biotics had only been around for about twenty-five years, and there are some theories on how humans gained the ability. Some extremists felt humans were intentionally exposed to element zero, others stood by the official statement that it was all incidental. The more Kaidan thought about it, the more assured he was that it was a mix of both, though no one would admit to intentional exposures.

Kaidan’s mother had been exposed to the volatile element while pregnant with Kaidan. He was in the first wave of human biotics to survive the exposure. Most children who had been exposed and born around the same time as him developed brain tumors and didn’t survive long after birth. Others had bad reactions to the implants needed in order to allow them to harness the biotic abilities. Kaidan himself had one of the controversial L2 implants, which caused severe neurological damage to some users. Kaidan was lucky, in that he only suffered from intense migraines. Those that had served with him had been surprised to learn that he had never been retrofitted for the upgraded L3 implant that would allow him to live without the headaches. His concern was that it would change his abilities, as L3’s tended to spike lower in power. Also, it was brain surgery and while medicine was advanced, the procedure would still require a doctor to cut into his brain. 

It didn’t take him long to get to the market and he walked up to the counter to pick up his order. He had ordered the upgraded amp and a few replacements just in case he would need them while on the mission and had feared they wouldn’t arrive before he shipped out. He was greeted by the human shopkeeper. “Order for Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko,” He asked and was handed a box with his order slip attached. He thanked the man and moved over to the register interface to make his purchase. A slender brunette moved up to the counter from behind him as he stepped away, he offered her a small smile which went unnoticed before he looked down to the order form. He scanned the box with his omni-tool and synced it to the register, his jaw dropping when he saw the price that came up. It was nearly three times what he expected.

He turned to go back to the shopkeeper to check the order when he heard a violent, “Fuck!” come from the brunette. The man tried in vain to calm her down, “No you don’t fucking understand, I am leaving the station at 0600 and I need the goddamn amps before then. The amps I ordered cost three times this piece of shit you’re trying to give me. I was told they were in, you need to find them,” She demanded slamming her fist on the counter. A light blue energy field danced around her as her anger flared. The shopkeeper held up his hands palm out, as if he was facing a rabid animal and slowly backed away mumbling about checking the back.

As Kaidan checked the item in his hand he realized their boxes must have been switched and felt a soft embarrassment as he realized the “piece of shit” amps were his; they had cost a full months pay. He swallowed and moved towards her. “Ma’am?” He asked as he reached her. She turned towards him, eyes glowing blue like a gas flame as she glared at him. “I believe they may have mislabeled our boxes. I think I have yours and you have mine,” He answered handing her the box after removing his order slip. 

“What?” She snapped as she took the box from him and looked at the name of the amp inside. Immediately, her anger seemed to slide away and she bit her lip. He had handed her a box with the Savant VII amp and he reached for the box on the counter. Sure enough, it held his Prodigy V. The shopkeeper returned and started apologizing immediately, offering to have the amps shipped to her after she left free of charge. Kaidan watched as she looked to him and offered him a gentle smile. “No, that won’t be necessary,” She said and the shopkeepers face screwed up in confusion, he looked disoriented and Kaidan wasn’t surprised. Her demeanor was a complete change from before, as if she were a new person. “I’m sorry I snapped at you. This gentleman figured out that the order slips had been switched and it’s been settled now,” The man nodded his thanks to Kaidan and the woman wished him a nice day as they moved away from the counter. 

Kaidan was surprised at how quickly this woman went from flaring in anger to cool, calm and collected and offering a sincere apology. Her actions betrayed an extraordinary level of control over her abilities, and he wondered if she had flared intentionally for dramatics. Kaidan and the woman made their way over to the register to complete their orders. Ever the gentleman, he stepped aside to allow her to complete her transaction first. Maybe not so gentlemanly, it gave him a minute to appraise this woman. She was obviously military as she referenced a 24 hour clock instead of a 12 hour and truthfully, most biotics ended up enlisting. There wasn’t much work for a Biotic in the private sector, unless they worked for one of the mercenary groups. He didn’t recognize her from training which meant she was younger than him, and most likely an L3. She had long dark brown hair that fell with a gentle curl to the middle of her back, effectively hiding the implant at the base of her skull. She was a few inches shorter than him, and slender, but he wasn’t misled by her frame. He could tell it hid a significant physical strength. He couldn’t help but appreciate the way she filled out her jeans and the length of her legs. She turned and looked up at him nearly catching him in his appraisal, and that was when he recognized her. “Thank you, Soldier, I appreciate you stepping in.”

She was dressed in civilian clothes, and her hair was down instead of pulled back in the regulation bun. Yet, he’d seen enough photos and news vids of her to know her when he saw her up close. The scar running from her left eyebrow, across the bridge of her nose and onto her right cheek was tell-tale enough. He was surprised he’d missed it before, but was sure it was because he’d been distracted at the way her eyes were glowing that intense cerulean blue. The photos and vids, however, did her no favors. She was much more attractive in person, scars and all. Her eyes sparkled a bright blue even without the flaring biotics. A soft smile graced her features, softening the lines of her face and he couldn’t resist smiling back. “Not a problem at all,” He answered, “Can I ask what gave it away?”

“You called me ma’am,” She made a face mocking the formality and continued, “And your amp is about what I would expect an Alliance Marine to afford.” Kaidan winced.

“Right, my ‘piece of shit’ amp,” He spoke while looking down at his box, a self-conscious grimace on his features.

“Oh shit, you heard me,” He noticed her cheeks flush in embarrassment and she quickly continued, “No! The Prodigy is a great amp, and truthfully it’s what I have now. I just upgraded,” She answered and Kaidan nodded. “Sorry, I’m Sloan Shepard,” She said extending her hand. He reached out and accepted her hand with a firm shake, it was cool to his touch and he could feel the rifle hardened skin of her palm.

“Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko," He answered. He wondered absently if this meant the rumors were true and that she would be assigned to the Normandy as well. “It’s an honor to meet you, Commander.” Her face fell for a fraction of a second but she hid it behind a polite smile. 

“Thank you, Lieutenant. Again, I apologize for the offense. I tend to shoot off at the mouth when I am angry,” She answered as they dropped hands and he moved to complete his purchase. 

“There was no offense, really. The Prodigy is a huge improvement on the Solaris I’ve been using so I’m anxious to try it out,” He said and they made to leave the store falling into step next to each other. 

“I’m surprised you’re sacrificing the power bonus for the duration and cooldown boost,” She admitted curiously and he noticed her glance at him out of the corner of his eye. 

Now the door was open, and he would see if she held the same bias as others towards those with the L2 implant. He found himself hoping her own biotic ability would ease the prejudice. “Well, I’m an L2 so I tend to spike higher anyway and need the cooldown more than the boost to the power,” He admitted with a sense of humility coloring his tone. She was silent for a few steps and they reached the console that would call the station transit. 

“I’ve never worked with an L2 before,” She admitted thoughtfully. “This may be a personal question and feel free to tell me if I’m overstepping but were you evaluated to be retrofitted for the L3?” She asked and turned to face him as she leaned against the railing supporting the console. “I’ve heard the side effects of the L2 can be severe.”

“It is a personal question, but I don’t mind,” he explained his reservations and she nodded, understanding evident on her features. “I understand my abilities and know my limits. I’m comfortable with the L2.” 

“If it works for you, why change it?” She paused for a heartbeat. “You said you currently have the Solaris right?” She asked and he nodded. “You should consider hitting up the range here on the station to work out with the new amp. I remember being caught off guard at the difference. Hell, that’s where I would be heading if I didn’t still have work to do before the morning,” She admitted as her omni-tool pinged, drawing her gaze from his face. 

“That’s not a bad idea,” He agreed, grateful she’d already told him she wouldn’t be able to go so he didn’t have to try to work up the nerve to ask her. 

“Excuse me,” She offered making eye contact briefly before pulling up the interface, her face lit orange with the glow of the ‘tool and Kaidan had to force himself to look away. He was tempted to ask her straight out if she was assigned to the Normandy, but thought better of it. It was classified for a reason, and if she was assigned it wouldn’t make him look very good to be asking for information she wouldn’t be able to give. “I have to be going,” She said looking up to him and he could almost sense regret in her tone. “Good luck with the Prodigy,” She offered with a gentle smile. 

He returned the smile and held his hand out, “It was a pleasure meeting you, Commander.” He noticed a flash of something – disappointment? – in her eyes for just a second.

“The pleasure was mine,” She said shaking his hand and smiling up at him. “Godspeed, Lieutenant.”

“Commander,” He said with a slight nod as she dropped his hand and turned away from him. He watched her and his hand flexed open and squeezed closed. He hailed the transit cab to take him to the practice range on the station. As the cab pulled up, he wondered if he would see Commander Shepard sooner than she expected.

Kaidan’s orders dictated his arrival time to the Normandy at 0500. He had been assigned as the head of Marine detail, so he would have to meet Captain and the XO before the rest of the crew arrived. He woke early and dressed in his Battle Dress Uniform before hooking up his new amp. Before leaving the barracks, he checked his appearance. His dark hair was combed back and appeared to fit the Alliance standard for the length of men’s hair. He had to keep it a tad longer than allowed due to his hair standing higher than average in reaction to the biotic electricity constantly running through him. He had managed to sleep away the bags he’d had under his whiskey colored eyes since his last deployment and was not looking forward to seeing them again. He sighed and scratched at the freshly shaved skin of his square chin. With one last look over his uniform to ensure it was as it should be, he headed to the docking bay to officially check in and meet his Commanding Officers. He reached the airlock and was greeted by the ships Virtual Intelligence requesting his name and rank, “Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko requesting permission to come aboard,” He stated firmly and awaited the ship’s response.

A deep masculine voice he recognized as Captain David Anderson answered, “Permission granted, Lieutenant,” The airlock opened and he entered. The ships scanning and decontamination systems ran over him and he waited patiently. The fact that this mission was simply to test out the new ship meant that it was considered low risk, a way to make sure the new technology worked as it should before it was used in anything more significant. He wasn’t one to risk jinxing himself, but he felt comfortable believing this would be a short mission and he would be back at Arcturus Station within the month. 

The scans finished and the ships door opened. He entered the bridge and was greeted by Captain Anderson. Kaidan saluted the Captain and waited for the return salute before standing at attention. “Relax, Lieutenant,” Anderson ordered and Kaidan fell into a more comfortable stance, hands at his sides his bag still in his left. “Welcome to the Normandy,” He offered.

“Thank you, Sir. It is an honor,” Kaidan answered, keeping his eyes on the Captain.

“I’d like to introduce you to our XO, Commander Sloan Shepard,” Anderson said stepping aside and Shepard stepped forward. If not for years of training and control, Kaidan may have grinned at the introduction. The rumors were true, and Kaidan found himself feeling excited for the opportunity to work with her. Kaidan moved back to attention and saluted his commanding officer.

After Shepard returned the salute, Kaidan fell back into his relaxed stance. “Did you get a chance to work out with the Prodigy last night?” She asked him, reaching out to shake his hand. He gripped hers firmly and felt the warm tingle of her biotics meeting his skin. He locked eyes with her for just a moment, her bottom lip pinched between her teeth, before releasing her hand. She must have been surprised by his appearance; her biotics hadn’t reacted to his the night before.

“I did, thank you for recommending it. You were right, it is a great piece of equipment,” He answered. “I’m glad they came in before we shipped out.” He finished and she nodded in agreement. She was dressed in her BDU’s and her hair was pulled up into a regulation bun. He noticed a gentle layer of make-up accentuating her delicate features and was drawn in again as he made eye contact with her. There were some female soldiers who didn’t take pride in their femininity; they kept their hair short and wore nothing to soften their features. He always appreciated when a woman took the time to care about their appearance. He believed it showed a sense of confidence; that they didn’t feel like they had to hide their girlishness in order to prove their abilities. It wasn’t until the pink on her cheeks started to darken that he realized he’d been staring and had probably made her quite uncomfortable. He cleared his throat and looked away.

“I see you’ve met?” Anderson asked, a distracted tone to his voice. Shepard confirmed they had and Anderson seemed relieved. “Good. We’ll start with a tour, then we’ll review the rest of the staff coming aboard before the first briefing.” Kaidan would be the ranking officer among the Marines assigned, which is why it was necessary for him to be aware of the crew and their training and histories so he could set their responsibilities. Anderson led them around the ship and as he hit the more important posts, he announced the name of the Soldier assigned. 

Flight Lieutenant Jeff “Joker” Moreau would be the Normandy’s pilot. He was widely regarded as the best pilot in the Alliance, and he would be the first to tell you. “When you meet him, ask him how he got the position. I wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t been there,” Anderson said as the tour moved away from the bridge. They walked briskly through the command deck, which housed the Bridge, the Combat Information Center, and the Communication Room. They took the stairs down a flight to the Crew Deck. This floor held the mess in the center. The crew sleeper pods were near the main battery. The Captain's private cabin and office were behind a door on the port side of the ship, near the escape hatches. Kaidan’s station was just outside the Captain’s quarters and directly across from the medical room where Doctor Karin Chakwas would be found.

“Alenko, Dr. Chakwas has been previously briefed on your condition and assured me she will be well equipped to handle any complications that may arise from your implant,” Anderson spoke as they moved towards the elevator. Kaidan stifled a sigh. Being an L2 was hardly a “condition,” but Kaidan was aware the Captain meant no disrespect. It came from a lack of experience. Still, he felt his face flush when he noticed the sympathetic look he received from Shepard. He felt an unfamiliar need to prove himself to her – to them, to his superior officers. 

“Thank you, Sir,” Was his only response. He had been able to drop his bag off at his assigned sleeper pod before they completed their tour. They took the elevator down one level to the cargo bay and engineering which were located on the same level and were the last stops on the tour. Kaidan was in awe of the drive core they’d managed to fit on this ship. It was huge, and he could understand some of the politicians concern over spending the money on just one ship. This shakedown run would tell if the money had been well spent.


	2. Chapter 2

The crew had gathered in the mess later that morning. Kaidan had completed his paperwork and assignments had been made. They ship was headed to the human colony, Eden Prime, to test her stealth mode. Kaidan was in the process of finishing his lunch as he made small talk with the ship’s Navigator, Charles Pressly. He was distracted from the Navigator when he heard Shepard’s name come up in a conversation taking place over his shoulder. He glanced that way, and found the young Corporal Richard Jenkins speaking excitedly about their XO. “No! She’s a colony kid! She was on Mindoir when the slavers hit. Most of the colony was taken or killed,” He was arguing with another crewman, Emerson, Kaidan thought his name was. 

“You sure? I thought she was born on Earth,” Emerson answered back. This continued for a minute and Kaidan turned his attention back to the Navigator when the Corporal started listing her commendations. It was not unusual to appreciate another soldier’s history, especially one as distinguished as Shepard’s, but there was a time and a place – and a volume – at which it should happen. “And she’s an N7. Girls don’t usually complete the training!” It was hard to miss the tone in Jenkins’ voice when he said “girls,” like her gender was something she had to overcome. “Most men find it difficult,” He said, an honest tone of wonder in his voice. He was green; inexperienced. He would learn that these honors were often hard earned and paid for in blood.

“Akuze!” The Corporal said loudly, drawing a few people’s attention back to his conversation. Emerson had the decency to look abashed. Kaidan thought he heard something in the stairwell and looked around for Shepard, hoping she wasn’t here to witness this. Jenkins was reaching the point of impropriety. He glared at the back of the Corporal’s head as he continued. “She was the only one from her unit to survive the Thresher Maw attack! Thresher Maws! That’s amazing! Can you imagine?” He gushed over her service record. “And she’s a biotic. I’ve never worked with a Biotic before. I hope she doesn’t have one of those L2 implants, they drive people nuts.”

Kaidan excused himself quietly from Pressly and stood. There was no way for the Corporal to know there was an L2 sitting just behind him. Kaidan was well past the point in his life where an offhand comment would upset him. “I can’t wait to see some action! Maybe I’ll get a recommendation to the Ns,” He said and Kaidan found himself unable to stay silent another second. His anger flared and he felt the hum of his biotics igniting. His jaw clenched and with just a simple release of the irritation he’d felt he sent the Corporal flying into the wall of lockers outside the med bay with a well-controlled biotic throw. He fell to the floor, and Doctor Chakwas came running out of the bay. 

Corporal Jenkins popped up to his feet and threw his arms over his head shouting, “That was awesome!” The doctor retreated to the med bay, shaking her head, as Kaidan stalked over to Jenkins. When Jenkins saw him coming, a look of surprised fear spread over his face and he snapped to attention finally falling silent.

Kaidan stood directly in front of him, his brow creased and lips in a thin line. The blue biotic energy cloaked him like a second skin. He was close enough that the hair on Jenkins arms was standing on end as he started his reprimand. “You’ve got a lot to learn, Corporal,” Kaidan said. Jenkins kept his eyes forward, staring past Kaidan as he should; his face flushed with embarrassment. “There is nothing amazing about a Thresher Maw attack, and you certainly wouldn’t want to imagine it. Giant monsters, tangles of tentacles and teeth, crawling out of the ground at your feet to spit acid at you. You scream, but it’s not going to help because the dirt fills your lungs as they pull you underground where, hopefully, you suffocate before they devour you,” Kaidan let the image sink in while he took a breath. The Corporal’s face blanched. “Your goal is a recommendation to the Ns? There is not one soldier with that honor who hasn’t had to sacrifice themselves or their crew for the mission. This display over the last few minutes proves how far away from that you are. Learn some restraint, Corporal, some respect,” Kaidan finished and turned on his heel heading towards the stairs. 

“Yes, Sir,” Corporal Jenkins answered, still at attention as he waited for Kaidan to dismiss him.

Kaidan took a deep breath as he headed towards the stairs. The mess hall smelled of eezo and his body thrummed with unspent energy. It was about time he went and checked in with Joker. He paused to look over his shoulder, “Oh, and Commander Shepard is an L3,” He couldn’t help but notice the sense of relief that washed over the whole room until he added, “I’m the only L2 you have to worry about on this ship.”  
He heard the soft hum of conversation fill the room behind him and felt the stare of more than one set of eyes on his back as he continued to the stairwell. Commander Shepard emerged around the corner as he neared it. There was a soft pause in his step as they made eye contact. With a barely perceptible lift at the corners of her mouth she simply nodded as she passed him. “Lieutenant,” was the only greeting she offered. 

He returned the nod as she moved out of his periphery, “Commander.”

He took the stairs two at a time and reached the CIC. He nodded to the crew still at their stations as he made his way to the Bridge to speak with the Pilot. He’d been introduced at the preflight debriefing but still hadn’t had the chance to ask him how he’d gotten the posting as Anderson had recommended. “Moreau,” Kaidan greeted as he entered the cockpit. 

“Do me a favor. I can’t get that console to sync up with mine.” Joker pointed at the station to his right. “Hop on over there and help me get the kinks out.”

“Sure thing,” Kaidan answered as he sat in the co-pilot’s seat. “So, Joker, Anderson says you’ve got quite the story on how you scored this assignment.” Kaidan prodded as he ran diagnostics on the monitor while glancing over at the pilot and watching him grin.

“I bet he did. Still can’t believe it worked,” He said with a chuckle. Kaidan stayed silent waiting for him to continue, “I was ordered to a different ship, but wanted this one. So, I stole it and refused to give it back until they changed my assignment,” He answered as his hands flew over the displays. 

“Now I know why they call you Joker,” Kaidan said, “Seriously, what happened?” Joker looked at Kaidan from under the brim of his hat with a grin on his face. “Bull shit!” Kaidan exclaimed and Joker shrugged his eyebrows, still grinning, as he returned to the ship’s controls. 

“No, some ass of a Turian said he wouldn’t give someone with my condition a posting on this ship. I wanted to show him, Vrolick syndrome or not, I was born to fly this girl. So, I locked the assigned pilot in a shuttle on the station and hijacked the ship. Risky? Sure. But I must have impressed the right people, cause I got the ship instead of a court martial,” Joker answered. Kaidan had read his dossier and remembered the pilot’s health issues. Vrolick Syndrome, or Brittle Bone Disease, meant that he was vulnerable and his bones would break easily and he had most likely been considered inferior his whole life. Kaidan could tell it hadn’t made him weak-willed or lazy. Kaidan was impressed with the man, and glad for the opportunity to work with him. 

“Joker,” Anderson’s voice rang out over the comm, halting any response Kaidan would have given. 

“Yes, Captain?” He answered.

“We have to make a diversion; set a course for Omega,” Anderson replied.

“Aye, aye, Captain,” He answered and Kaidan and Joker exchanged a surprised look at the order as Anderson disconnected from the comm. “Omega? What could we possibly be doing at Omega?” Joker asked rhetorically. 

“Picking up Nihlus Kryik,” Commander Shepard answered startling both men, neither had heard her enter the cockpit.

“The spectre?” Kaidan asked, his voice raised in question.

“That’s the request from the council,” Shepard replied her tone gave away her annoyance at the pit-stop, “Joker where does that put our arrival at Eden Prime?” She asked, and nodded when Joker informed her it would be adding a full day to their travel time. Kaidan watched her out of the corner of his eye as she stared ahead at the passing stars for a full moment before continuing. “Carry on,” She said as she left the cockpit. The only sound then was the low whistle Joker let out as he changed course. With the addition of a Spectre to the crew, Kaidan couldn’t help but wonder if the mission had just changed course as well.  


The Council, an executive committee composed of one representative each from the member species, has no official power over the governments of other species. However, their decisions carry considerable weight. No single Council race is strong enough to defy the others, and all have valid reasons to work together. The Council is the ultimate authority in Citadel space, setting laws and passing judgment for violations, settling disputes between governments, and maintaining law and order; often through the use of its own covert intelligence service: the Spectres. 

Special Tactics and Reconnaissance agents are entrusted with extraordinary authority granted to them by the Council. This includes the power to decide life or death over galactic citizens. They are an elite group selected from a number of different species, and their main goal is to preserve galactic stability by whatever means necessary. They are generally considered as being above the law and have complete discretion as to the methods used to complete their mission; a fact that made many in the Alliance uncomfortable

Kaidan and Joker remained silent as they processed the new information. Kaidan spoke first, “You should be all set with this console,” He offered as he powered down his omni-tool. Joker thanked him without moving his eyes from his own board. “I’m going to head down to the mess, do you need anything?” Kaidan offered.

“Nah, I’m good. Later,” Joker responded absently and Kaidan headed towards the stairs. 

Kaidan couldn’t shake the tension that filled the CIC as he moved through it. It seemed like the addition of the Spectre, the Turian Spectre, had changed the attitude of the crew. He’d had his own history with Turians, and he had learned a long time ago that you couldn’t judge a race, human or alien, by the actions of an individual. 

When humanity first discovered that one of Pluto’s moons was actually an ancient mass relay there was division on how to handle the new technology. Some thought it should be destroyed to protect the Sol system; to keep whatever was on the other side, on the other side. Others fought for exploration and the explorers won. When the humans started activating every mass relay they could find in their desperation to know, to learn, it was the Turians who first took notice of the activity coming from the once quiet area of space. Unknowingly, humanity had broken one of the Council’s laws by activating the dormant relays and instead of attempting diplomacy, the Turians opened fire. 

There were losses on both sides, and thankfully the Council intervened and brought about a tense peace. Unfortunately, after the war the humans were viewed as aggressors by the other Council races and twenty-six years later some of the animosity still held on. It wasn’t one sided though, humanity never proved to be a forgiving race and there were still humans alive who had fought, or had family who had fought, in the First Contact War and they still felt uncomfortable around Turians. They believed the Turians couldn’t be trusted. Yet, the Normandy herself was a product of Turian and Human design. Based on what Kaidan had seen so far, he was sure both races could learn from the other; if only they could set aside the past and look forward. 

Kaidan wandered down to the mess and then hit the button for the elevator. He wanted to take some time to work with the weapons he’d been issued. As he stepped off the elevator, he noticed Jenkins there doing the same. He made his way over to his locker and pulled out the rifle and pistol before heading to the weapons station to check out the modifications available. When Jenkins noticed him he moved to stand and salute and Kaidan waved him off. He pulled up a stool and sat across from the Corporal as he start to disassemble his Avenger assault rifle. 

“You’re from Eden Prime, is that right?” Kaidan asked him without looking up from his weapon. 

“That’s right, Sir,” Jenkins replied. 

“What should we expect?” Kaidan asked as his hands moved over the pieces of his weapon that were now laid out in front of him. 

“It’s very peaceful. They’ve been real careful with development, so you don’t have any city noise or pollution. My parents live on the outskirts of the colony. At night, I used to climb this big hill and stare across the fields back at the lights from the main settlement. It was gorgeous. But when I got older, I realized it was a little too calm and quiet for me. That’s why I joined the Alliance. Even paradise gets boring after a while. I’m actually surprised we’re headed that way, and with a Spectre.” Jenkins finished and Kaidan gave him a questioning glance.

“It is just a shakedown, it’s not like we’re expecting any trouble,” Kaidan reminded the young man as he snapped the rifle back together. He pulled out some of the available weapon modifications. 

Jenkins was working with his rifle as well, and Kaidan was impressed with his dexterity. He was familiar with the weapon and Kaidan could tell he felt confident with it as he worked with the parts. “I don’t know, Sir. Eden Prime’s one of our most stable colonies. It is a good place to take the Normandy for her shakedown run, I guess. No real danger there, but there’s got to be something else going on. It’s not the type of place Spectres visit. It seems there’s something the Captain isn’t telling us about this mission. The whole crew feels it.” 

Kaidan thought on this for a moment. It was a valid point. This was supposed to be a test run for all intents and purposes. Yet, they had a full crew; Captain Anderson, an N7 agent, is one of the most highly decorated officers in the Alliance, Commander Shepard, also an N7 agent, as the XO, and now a Spectre? Kaidan didn’t like being left in the dark, but he knew if there was something he needed to know, he would be filled in. It still left him with an uneasy feeling, but the Corporal didn’t need to know that. “You’re young Jenkins, you’ve got a long career ahead of you. Treat this like every other assignment you’ve had and you’ll do fine.” 

“Yes, Sir. It’s just, I’ve never been on an assignment like this before, not with a Spectre on board. It’s why I’m still so wound up,” Jenkins admitted as he set his rifle down. Kaidan felt a nostalgic smile pull at his face. He’d been where the Corporal was before, however, Kaidan was never quite as enthusiastic about enlisting – it was more of a convenience than a real desire. 

“Just don’t do anything stupid to screw this up,” Kaidan answered him as he moved on to his pistol. 

“Of course, Sir. Don’t worry, I’m not going to screw this up. It’s an honor to serve with this crew and I hope to learn all I can. Between Captain Anderson and Commander Shepard, I mean, if you melted down their medals you could make a life size statue of them!” Kaidan chuckled a little and Jenkins seemed to relax. “Plus, I’ve never worked with a biotic before. If I’m being honest, Sir, I’ve heard stories of your abilities as well. What you can do, it’s impressive.” Kaidan was surprised to know he had a reputation. Maybe he shouldn’t have been so stunned by his assignment to this vessel. “Earlier, in the mess, the fact that you could throw me across the room with your mind is-”

“We don’t use our minds, not really,” Kaidan interrupted him. If Jenkins had never worked with someone with Biotics before he had quite a bit to learn. “Biotic ability in humans stems from an exposure to Element Zero while in utero. If it didn’t cause cancer and kill you as a baby, you formed eezo nodules throughout your nervous system. These nodules allow us to…” He paused as he thought of the best way to describe it, “… affect the mass of things around us. We can control dark energy or gravity I guess you could say,” Kaidan explained and the Corporal nodded. “So it’s not like I’m using brain power,” He finished. 

“So you could move anything with mass. You can use the dark energy defensively as well, right?” Jenkins asked.

Kaidan nodded, “Exactly. I use my biotics more defensively with barriers and shields, whereas Commander Shepard uses hers more offensively.”

“But you can use them offensively? You just choose to use them defensively?” 

“Right,” Kaidan answered. “I threw you across the room earlier, didn’t I?” He asked him and Jenkins grinned. 

“So, how does one protect themselves from that?”

“Increasing your mass; the more mass an object has the more energy and control it takes to have the desired effect. Heavy armor or certain mods add protection to hardsuits,” Kaidan answered. “Most human biotics are not as powerful or controlled as other species, like the Asari or even the Krogan. Commander Shepard is the exception to that rule.”

“Good thing she’s on your side,” Kaidan and Jenkins both jumped at the voice coming from the elevator. Commander Shepard offered them a crooked smirk as she headed towards the Mako; Kaidan’s eyes followed her. 

“Yes, ma’am,” Jenkins answered as she passed their station. Kaidan returned his attention to the Corporal but not before watching Shepard climb into the infantry fighting vehicle. Jenkins’s curiosity seemed sated for the moment, and conversation moved to his previous assignments and experience. Kaidan was glad for the down time to get to know the Corporal, maybe he wasn’t a lost cause after all.


	3. Chapter 3

Kaidan had taken it upon himself to join Joker in the cockpit. The tense atmosphere of the ship was only amplified once Nihlus was actually on board. It made for a very uncomfortable environment, but Joker’s sarcastic sense of humor kept the cockpit light. After promising Joker he wouldn’t get in his way, Kaidan sat himself in the co-pilot’s chair. Being at this console allowed him access to the ship’s navigation computers and he was able to lose himself in the coding and ignore the tension on board. Kaidan had specialized Sentinel training, as well as first aid. Being trained as a Sentinel allowed him to use his biotics and his interest and talent in technology together as the defensive backbone of a ground team. The first aid training made him the team’s field medic. 

Kaidan felt the shift in the cockpit when Nihlus entered and stood behind the pair with his arms at his sides. They were headed towards the relay to get back on route to Eden Prime. Kaidan glanced at the Turian, quickly, before turning his attention back to his console. When humans first encountered the alien race, they didn’t quite fit what alien lore had dictated. Turians looked almost avian, resembling humanoid birds. Kaidan could see how Captain Anderson would be reminded of the evolutionary link between birds and dinosaurs. They typically stand over six feet tall. Their most distinguishing feature is the metallic carapace, like the shell of a turtle, over their shoulders which contains trace amounts of thulium. This evolved as a defense against the greater levels of solar radiation that penetrate their homeworld Palaven’s weak magnetic field. Their reflective plate-like skin makes them less susceptible to long-term, low-level radiation exposure, but unfortunately, does not act as any type of natural protection. A Turian’s thick skin will not stop projectiles or directed energy bolts. Males and Females of the species do not differ greatly in physical appearance, except that the females lack the crest of horns that the males have. 

They are an intimidating species, more predatory than prey. They have forward-facing alert eyes with outstanding eyesight. Their slender bodies betray their ability to move at high speeds. Their teeth and jaws mimic those of apex predators, like crocodiles or carnivorous dinosaurs. Their mouths are framed by a set of mandibles. They have two proportionately thick fingers and an opposable thumb on each hand. The talons on both their feet and hands are more than capable of ripping flesh. While their diet consists mostly of meat, they are part of a galactic minority as a dextro-protein reliant race. Foods consumed by humans, asari or salarians offer no nutrition and could cause a deadly allergic reaction.

“Get ready for the magic,” Joker whispered bringing Kaidan out of the code and back into the cockpit to watch the jump. Kaidan watched as they headed towards the relay. He loved watching jumps up close like this. The way the blue energy swirled around the relay was beautiful, powerful. Joker spoke over the comm, his voice ringing throughout the CIC, “The Arcturus Prime relay is in range. Initiating transmission sequence. We are connected. Calculating transit mass and destination. The relay is hot. Acquiring approach vector. All stations secure for transit. The board is green. Approach run has begun,” Kaidan caught a hint of a gentle floral scent, and looked and found that Shepard had also joined them to watch the jump, “Hitting the relay in 3 … 2 … 1…” They entered the energy of the relay and it felt like gravity was suspended for a brief second as their centers shifted and the ship was shot through the stars. Less than a minute later, the ship slowed, and Kaidan felt his stomach settle back up from his toes as he and Joker ran through the ship’s systems. Joker continued to dictate, “Thrusters, check. Navigation, check. Internal emissions sync engaged. All systems online. Drift, just under 1500K.”

“1500 is good. Your Captain will be pleased,” Nihlus’s two-toned, flanging voice rang out in the cockpit before he turned on his heel and headed out to the CIC. 

“I hate that guy,” Joker grunted as his hands continued to fly over his console. His annoyance evident in his posture.

“Nihlus gave you a compliment, so you hate him?” Kaidan asked glancing over his shoulder at Shepard. They made eye contact and exchanged an amused glance before Kaidan tore his eyes away and focused again on the console. 

Joker’s tone was still angry and harsh as he continued, “You remember to zip up your jumpsuit on the way out of the bathroom, that’s good. I just jumped us halfway across the galaxy and hit a target the size of a pinhead. So that’s incredible,” His hands slowed on the console as the ship balanced out after the jump. His tone softened, “Besides, Spectres are trouble. I don’t like having him on board. Call me paranoid.”

Kaidan shook his head. It really was everyone on the ship who felt suspicious. “You’re paranoid. The Council helped fund this project. They have a right to send someone to keep an eye on their investment.” He only partially believed it was that simple, but would stick with what he had been told.

Joker let out a sarcastic chuckle, “Yeah, that is the official story, but only an idiot believes the official story.”

“They don’t send Spectres on shakedown runs,” Shepard spoke under her breath. She sounded almost absent minded. Kaidan looked back at her and she shrugged. 

“So, there is more going on here than the Captain’s letting on,” Joker said, like he’d been let in on a secret.

“Look, truthfully, I don’t know any more than you do. Neither Anderson nor Nihlus have given me any information to indicate there’s anything else going on. I’m suspicious, but I’ve got to agree with Alenko. At least until my CO tells me different,” Shepard expanded on her thoughts as she looked to the back of Joker’s head. 

“Joker! Status report,” Anderson’s disembodied voice interrupted their conversation and Kaidan took the moment to look back at Shepard again. He was surprised she had shared her opinion with them. Her candor was contradictory to her reputation, but it was a pleasant contradiction. 

“Just cleared the mass relay, Captain. Stealth systems engaged. Everything looks solid,” Joker answered.

“Good. Find a comm buoy and link us into the network. I want mission reports relayed back to Alliance Brass before we reach Eden Prime,” Anderson ordered.

“Aye, aye, Captain,” Joker answered as he started his search for the buoy. His voice dropped to a softer tone when he continued, “Better brace yourself, Sir. I think Nihlus is headed your way.”

The Captain’s voice was annoyed when he responded, “He’s already here, Lieutenant.” Kaidan heard Shepard’s soft laugh and turned to look at her. He noticed the brightness the humor brought to her eyes as they made eye contact again. He cleared his throat and looked away, reminding himself she was his CO, and he shouldn’t be paying that much attention to the color of her eyes. The Captain continued, “Tell Commander Shepard to meet me in the comm room for a debriefing.” He heard her sigh.

“You get that, Commander?” Joker asked without looking at her.

“He sounds angry. Something must have affected the mission,” She tapped the back of his chair and turned on her heel to make her way to the comm room.

“Captain always sounds like that when he’s talking to me,” Joker mumbled.

“Can’t possibly imagine why,” Kaidan responded and heard Shepard laugh loudly as she left the cockpit and crossed the CIC. She had a great laugh, breathy and rich.

“She’s not what I expected,” Joker said after a silent minute and Kaidan looked over to him. “I expected this bad ass super bitch who didn’t give a damn about the means as long as the ends meet. She’s not though. She talks to her crew, wants to get to know them,” Joker looked over at Kaidan and nodded his head over his shoulder, back the way the Shepard had gone, “She laughs.”

“She is certainly impressive,” Kaidan agreed under his breath as he turned his attention back to the console. He missed the smirk Joker had sent his way. He was impressed by her. It wasn’t too different from the way Jenkins spoke about her, Kaidan was just more disciplined and his appreciation was more subdued. The fact that she was so decorated yet still so down to earth surprised him. He knew it was just a case of hero worship and would pass, most likely after they fought together for the first time. Fighting side by side with someone, having their back and knowing they have yours, will always humanize them.

“Holy shit…” Joker said when the first images from Eden Prime came through the comm and were displayed on their consoles. It was an unclear image, but the sound of gunshots and explosions were clear. Immediately, Kaidan ran a program to fix the image. It was still choppy, but there was no doubt the colony was under attack. Neither Kaidan nor Joker could tear their eyes away from the feed. A woman’s voice rang out an order to get down, followed quickly by more gunshots.

A male officer’s face filled the screen. “We’re under attack! Taking heavy casualties. I repeat: heavy casualties! We can’t… argh! ... –eed evac! They came out of nowhere. We need…” The image panned away from the officer as more gunshots rang out. Then the screen went black. The cockpit was silent, and Kaidan and Joker looked to each other. Kaidan attempted to reach out to the colony again as Joker rang into the comm room.

“Captain, we’ve got a problem,” He said simply, his voice panicked, as he brought the footage around to the beginning. 

“What’s wrong, Joker?” Anderson answered, alarm in his voice. 

“Transmission from Eden Prime, sir. You better see this!” Joker was already putting the images through as Anderson told him to put it on their screen. Kaidan and Joker stopped and watched it through again. Kaidan felt his stomach drop and his heart race. What made it worse was that there was no clear shot of who was attacking the colony. They’d be going in blind. The feed ended again and Kaidan swallowed hard. “Everything cuts out after that. No comm traffic at all. Just goes dead. There’s nothing.” Anderson asked him to reverse the feed and hold it at a specific frame and ask for a status report. “Seventeen minutes out Captain. No other Alliance ships in the area.”

“Take us in, Joker, fast and quiet. This mission just got a lot more complicated,” The end of the order was spoken almost under his breath.

Joker had left the comm open and Kaidan could hear Nihlus’s two-toned voice ring out, “A small strike team can move more quickly without drawing attention. It’s our best chance to secure the beacon.” Beacon? Kaidan was suddenly very uncomfortable with the Turian.

Anderson asked Nihlus to get his gear and to meet down in the cargo hold. “Tell Alenko and Jenkins to suit up, Commander. You’re going in.” 

“Aye, aye, Captain,” Shepard answered and Kaidan felt himself straighten in his seat. They heard the soft sigh of the comm room door open and close. “Alright, Alenko, I know you’re still listening. Get Jenkins and meet me down in the cargo bay. I’ll brief you as we gear up.” Kaidan answered in the affirmative and logged off the console. He left the cockpit and made his way down to the cargo bay. 

The ground team met up at their lockers. Shepard was waiting for them, already in her armor. Her light armor was black and thin. The protection was in the weaving. It allowed her to move more freely in battle and it wouldn’t hinder her biotics. Kaidan’s armor was very similar, the major difference was the white N7 on her chest and the red stripe that stretched from her shoulder guard, down her gauntlet to her covered hand. Her features lit by the omni-tool she was working on. Her face was hard, a deep crease between her sculpted eyebrows and her lips pressed into a thin line. The way her brows angled in concentration made her scar more prominent. She was shorter than him, and had a petite frame, but she exuded a confidence that made her more intimidating than Kaidan would have thought possible. 

Kaidan and Jenkins opened their lockers and started to pull out their armor. Shepard pulled up the video again on her ‘tool, her face unclear as she turned to Jenkins. “Listen, Corporal, this may be difficult to see considering you grew up here. You need to see it before we hit the ground. I need to know if I can trust you to focus on the goal regardless,” Her voice was firm, leaving no room for question as he nodded buckling his greaves at the knee. Kaidan locked eyes with Shepard as she started the footage. She looked away and loaded her pistol before sliding it into position at her hip. Kaidan watched Jenkins’s face as the images played. He watched the shock turn to horror and end at anger as the screen flickered off. “Can you do it, Jenkins?”

“Yes, Commander,” He answered, his voice thick with emotion. Shepard stared at him unblinking as the seconds ticked by. Kaidan had the feeling she was still unsure of the young man, but she wasn’t going to tell him to stay behind, she had to take him at his word.

She nodded before speaking, “Clearly, this mission is not what we were told it was.” Kaidan’s jaw clenched at the confirmation of their suspicions. She turned her attention to Kaidan as she continued; she offered the Captain’s explanation to him. “The order for secrecy came from the top. It’s strictly need to know. We were scheduled to make a covert pick up from Eden Prime, hence the stealth systems being operational. A research team unearthed some kind of beacon during an excavation. It was Prothean. Eden Prime doesn’t have the facilities to handle something like this. We are taking the beacon back to the Citadel for proper study. This goes far beyond mere human interest and this discovery could affect every species in Council space. The last time humanity discovered something like this it jumped our technology forward 200 years.”

“Why didn’t we keep it for ourselves?” Jenkins asked, as he secured his chestplate. Shepard glared at him for a moment at the interruption. 

Kaidan could feel her tension, in her tone and in the way she stood. Jenkins was oblivious. “Humans don’t have the best reputation. Some species see us as selfish, unpredictable, too independent, and even dangerous. Keeping it would only validate that. By sharing the beacon we can improve relations with the Council. Plus, they know more about the Protheans than we do. We need their scientific expertise,” Kaidan answered, as he secured his own armor. 

He looked over at Shepard and she nodded at him before continuing, “The Protheans vanished 50,000 years ago. Yet, their legacy remains. The mass relays, the Citadel, our ship drives, it’s all based on Prothean technology. Alenko, you seem to have a firm grasp on what this means for the Alliance’s position in the galactic community. Jenkins, what do you know about the Protheans?” She asked, leaning against the lockers. Her helmet on the bench in front of her and she crossed her arms over her chest.

“Just what they taught in school,” He said and looked at Shepard. She raised an eyebrow as a way to tell him to continue. “Uh, they were a technologically-advanced species that ruled the galaxy 50,000 years ago. Then they vanished, nobody really knows how or why, though, there are plenty of theories. Everyone agrees galactic civilization wouldn’t exist without them. It is their Citadel that is very center of society out here. It’s their mass relays that make interstellar travel possible. We all owe the Protheans a great debt. If humanity hadn’t discovered the Prothean ruins on Mars, we’d still be stuck on Earth,” Jenkins answered and Shepard nodded. 

“The Mars ruins were just a small data cache. Who knows what we can learn from this beacon?” Kaidan contemplated. 

“What if it’s a weapons archive?” Jenkins added, almost sounding giddy in his attempt to put thoughts of his family aside.

“I don’t deal in what ifs,” Shepard snapped, Jenkins’s gaze dropped down away from her and Kaidan moved his eyes to hers as she continued. “Regardless, whatever it is, we can’t let it fall into the wrong hands,” Shepard stated. Kaidan clamped his mouth shut at the annoyed tone in her voice. Jenkins piped up and asked what she meant by wrong hands. “The Attican Traverse isn’t the most stable sector of Citadel space. There are plenty of raiders and criminal groups active in the region. They might figure a Prothean beacon is worth the risk of attacking an Alliance ship. Plus, Eden Prime itself is on the edge of Citadel space. It’s right on the border of the Terminus Systems.”

“But the Attican Traverse is under Citadel protection, if the Terminus Systems attack it’s an act of war!” Jenkins exclaimed, his eyes wide.

“Technically, yes. The concern is that some of the species in the Terminus might be willing to start a war over this,” Shepard replied. 

“I’m sure the last thing the Council wants is to be dragged into a major conflict with the Terminus System,” Kaidan added and Shepard nodded with a raised eyebrow. 

“That’s why we have to keep this low key,” Shepard finished and the three looked to each other in silence for a minute. Shepard asked if there were any questions, and neither Kaidan nor Jenkins spoke up. “We’re about two minutes out,” She added. “Get ready to drop.” She gave the order and moved towards the door at the back of the bay. Kaidan gestured for Jenkins to stand and he ran over the clasps of his armor, ensuring they were sealed properly. He gave Jenkins the all clear and looked over his shoulder at Shepard. She seemed off. She had been laughing the last time he’d seen her. Was this simply the mission? Was this where her unforgiving reputation came from or was there something she still wasn’t sharing?

Kaidan went to stand with Shepard near the drop door. He noticed a loose latch at the top of her shoulder guard. “Excuse me, Commander?”

“Yeah, L.T.?” She answered turning to face him, and abbreviating his title. He told her of the missed latch and she cursed, “Thanks, Alenko.” She went to make the adjustment but Kaidan’s hand was already there, securing it. She made eye contact with him, and slowly lowered her hand to her side without looking away. He urged her to turn so he could check the rest of the closures. Her eyes narrowed at him, and he didn’t look away. Almost reluctantly, she turned and let him double check her armor. “Watch your hands, Lieutenant,” She cracked quietly as his hands followed the seams of the armor along her sides. 

“Of course, Commander. You’re all set,” He said before tapping her shoulder with the all clear. She turned to look at him, and motioned for him to turn around. He obliged and she ran her hands over the seals on his armor performing her own check. When she finished, she told him he was clear and he turned towards her. Captain Anderson called for their attention. As they gathered around the Captain, they put on their helmets. “Alright, Shepard’s in charge of the ground team. Secure the beacon and get it to the ship ASAP. That is your main objective. Survivors are a secondary concern. Nihlus will accompany you to observe the mission,” Anderson ordered. Nihlus dropped first, stating he moved faster on his own. 

“Approaching drop zone two,” Joker’s disembodied voice announced. The ground team prepared for the jump. Anderson watched as they dropped from the Normandy to the red dirt ground of Eden Prime.


	4. Chapter 4

Kaidan let out a deep, shaky sigh as he pulled Jenkins’s magnetic name plate off the locker and dropped it into the box with the rest of the young man’s belongings. He made his way to the elevator. Captain Anderson had asked him to clear out the Corporal’s locker and bring him his personal effects. The mission had gone to hell moments after they’d hit the ground. The images the Normandy had received had shaken Jenkins more than he’d let on. Shepard’s reservations had been well founded. His family was still on Eden Prime. Maybe that was why he had rushed to take point without waiting for Shepard’s order. It had all happened so fast. He dashed out ahead of both Shepard and Kaidan before Kaidan had the opportunity to scan the area for hostiles. 

The assault drones rose into the air from nowhere and Jenkins was down with a strangled cry before Kaidan or Shepard had a second to throw up a barrier. They made quick work of the drones and hurried to the fallen soldier. Kaidan dropped to a knee to check for a pulse. He was gone. Shepard had let out a string of curses looking up at the blue sky. Kaidan reached down and closed Jenkins’s eyes. He was too young to go out like this. “Son of a bitch,” Shepard sighed. “Alright, Alenko. We’ll see he gets a proper burial after the mission. Right now, we need to focus,” She said as she reloaded her rifle, it was hard to tell if she was saying it for his benefit or her own.

“Yes, ma’am,” He answered as he stood and pulled up his omni-tool to check for hostiles in the surrounding area. “Area’s clear,” He informed her. “I’ve got your six.” She stopped and looked back at him. Her eyes were bright when they met his, and she gave him a quick nod. He was impressed and encouraged by the Commander’s ability to compartmentalize. She lost a crew member, and the anger she’d expressed while cursing the sky betrayed her true emotions. She took that human moment and then turned her focus back to the mission. He was able to concentrate on the mission, and not Jenkins’s cold, empty stare because she was able to. He could see where her reputation came from, the one that said she was heartless and cared only about results. He had a feeling that she would take the time to grieve later, when there was time. He wondered what else public opinion had wrong about her.

“Let’s go,” She said. “And Lieutenant?” He waited for her to continue. “Don’t die on me.” There was no question in her tone, it was an order. It was an order he had no intention of disobeying. He answered in the affirmative and she kept her eyes on him a second longer before turning around, and leading them out. 

Kaidan stepped off the elevator and set the box down on the table in the mess and pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. He’d felt the beginnings of the migraine as he had carried Shepard onto the ship, but he hadn’t had a chance to seek treatment yet. Besides, Dr. Chakwas had her hands full. He opened his eyes and looked through the window of the med bay and saw the Doctor standing over Shepard with her omni-tool up. His heart sunk when he realized Shepard was still unconscious. Grabbing the box, he walked over to Anderson’s cabin and lifted his omni-tool to request access. He pinged the Captain and the response came a full moment later when the lock turned green.

“Captain,” Kaidan greeted, and Anderson stood from the terminal at his desk and scrubbed a hand over his face. Kaidan set the box down on the table and Anderson gestured for him to sit.

“What the hell happened down there, Alenko?” Anderson answered and Kaidan sighed. 

“Geth,” was Kaidan’s simple answer and the look of disbelief on Anderson’s face was understandable. The Geth were a race of artificial intelligences who live beyond the Perseus Veil. They had been created by the Quarians as laborers and soldiers. However, they evolved and when the geth became sentient and began to question their masters, the Quarians attempted to exterminate them. The geth proved to be superior in battle and won the resulting war. The Quarians lost their homeworld to the geth and are now a race of nomads. The lesson the Quarians learned is viewed as a warning to the rest of the galaxy of the dangers of artificial intelligence. It is the reason the suppression of artificial intelligences throughout galactic society is legally enforced. 

“Have you spoken with Chief Williams?” Kaidan asked and Anderson answered that he had but only briefly. “She would know what happened to the colony, specifically. We were dropped into a mess. Jenkins, he was from Eden Prime, Sir. I think, when we saw the devastation up close, I think he was hoping to find his family. It’s hard enough to see civilian fatalities in a battle zone, but when the civilians are people you grew up with?” He let out a long breath, and Anderson stayed silent waiting for him to finish. Kaidan continued. “He rushed ahead before the order was given to move out. The Geth drones came out of nowhere and ripped through his shields before Shepard or I had a chance to react,” He shook his head gently and momentarily pressed his fingers into his eyes before scrubbing his hands over his face. “After Jenkins, we came across Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams. She watched her whole unit die and was fighting the invasion alone when we picked her up. She’s a skilled soldier,” He paused for a second, swallowing hard and trying to force the pain away. He was glad for the soft blue lighting of the Captain’s Quarters, it made it easier to keep his eyes open as his mind betrayed him.

“There were these giant motorized spikes that, well, they started as a base which was about 3 feet high. Then the spike would shoot out from the center and raise up to maybe, twelve feet into the air. The geth were impaling the colonists on them while they were still alive. At first, I assumed it was psychological warfare. An attempt to rattle us by displaying our dead. As we moved further into the colony we saw the spikes lower back into the bases and the colonists had changed. They were not dead, but not alive either. Mindless. Like zombies, or husks, and they would rush you and try to maul you. There was one point I had been surrounded and if it hadn’t been for the combination of the Commander and my biotics, I don’t think I would have made it out,” Kaidan admitted and tried to swallow the guilt when he remembered she was still out cold thanks to his stupidity.

“By the time we reached the dig site, the beacon was gone. We were heading towards the cargo train and we heard a single gunshot,” He could still smell the unique mixture of blood and gun powder that came from this type of battle. He could hear the distant screaming of the colonists slowly ending. He pinched the bridge of his nose and attempted to bring himself back into the conversation with Anderson and away from Eden Prime to finish giving his report. “We took out some more geth and husks in the area and that was when we found Nihlus’s body. He’d been shot point blank, execution style. There was no way it was the geth. That was when we found the dock worker who witnessed it. He said there was another Turian there that Nihlus was familiar with and that Nihlus had called him Saren,” Kaidan looked at the Captain when he said the name, and he noticed the recognition pass over his features. 

“Saren’s a spectre,” Anderson stated absently. “One of the most decorated, you’re sure he said it was Saren?” Anderson had pulled up his omni-tool and was navigating through some systems as he spoke to Kaidan. Kaidan nearly winced at the bright light. He looked down as he answered that he was sure, and Anderson urged him to continue.

“The dock worker took off, heading over to where the survivors were gathering. We hit the cargo train still looking for the beacon. The geth were everywhere. We reached the other end of the base and the geth had set up four bombs to blow what was left of the settlement. While Shepard and Williams handled the geth, I disarmed the bombs,” Kaidan cleared his throat, he was coming up to the more embarrassing part of the report. “Saren was long gone by the time we took care of the bombs, and all that was left was the beacon. I…” He stopped and scrubbed a hand over his face. Mentally scolding himself for not knowing better. It was getting harder to keep his thoughts straight through the pain of his migraine and he could feel his stomach start to roll. “Shepard called for the Normandy to come pick us and the beacon up. I was so… I was curious; Actual working Prothean technology. All I did was walk towards it, I swear, I didn’t touch it but suddenly,” He knew he was making excuses. Anderson’s face remained passive. Kaidan cleared his throat before he continued, “I was caught in some kind of pull, and my vision went… wrong. Everything was distorted. It hurt,” Kaidan stopped and swallowed the bile rising in his throat. 

“Next thing I knew I was being pulled away from the force and tossed aside. When I sat up, Shepard had been caught in the beacons energy field. It lifted her off the ground and held her there. I wanted to go to her, like she had for me, but Williams stopped me,” He remembered feeling the power in Shepard’s arms as she pulled him out of the way. For such a small woman, he was surprised by her strength. He left out how guilty and scared he’d been at the sight of her elevated, her arms stretched out to the sides and her head thrown back in a silent scream. “It held her for maybe a minute; it felt longer. Then the beacon exploded and sent the Commander hard to the ground. I went to her, and she was unconscious. I made quick work of checking her vitals while Williams called Joker for an ETA,” Kaidan finished his summary. He looked away from the Captain and placed pressure at his temples.

“Well, I am not anxious to see what the Council will do with Shepard’s bid for Spectre now,” Anderson sighed, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms over his chest. That explained Shepard’s anxiety before they dropped down to the colony. She would be the first human Spectre. Which means Nihlus would have been sent to observe her and to help the Council make the decision on whether or not to install her. This would not bode well for her. Kaidan said nothing, not wanting to overstep. “I have to call Jenkins’s next of kin. You said Chief Williams impressed you?” He asked and Kaidan answered in the affirmative. “I’ll be requesting her reassignment to the Normandy, then, if you agree?” Kaidan was momentarily surprised the Captain was asking his opinion. Then again, with the Commander out of commission he was the only one who had seen her in action. 

“I do. I think she’ll be an asset to the crew,” Kaidan answered and stood when the Captain did. “Maybe a little green, but she showed some serious skill in simply surviving until help arrived.”

Anderson nodded, “Alright Alenko. Why don’t you head over to the med bay and get checked out. I’ll need your written report on the mission before cycle’s end,” Kaidan saluted the Captain, and decided to write up his report before heading to see the Doctor. He had a suspicion the drugs she’d give him would make him groggy at the least, if not knock him out. He stopped at his station and forced himself to focus on the terminal in front of him as he typed up his report. His gaze drifted more than once towards the windows of the med bay, hoping to see Shepard up and about. He scolded himself and rushed through the rest of the paperwork, skimming it briefly before submitting it to Anderson’s inbox and powering down the terminal.

He entered the med-bay and Dr. Chakwas spoke without looking up from her ‘tool, “I was wondering when you would be stopping in,” She said in her soft British accent. She stood, closing her ‘tool and gestured for Kaidan to take the bed next to Shepard. He asked how she knew he would be coming. “Chief Williams informed me you may have been affected by the beacon as well. Considering the Commander’s abnormal beta waves, I assumed you would have a migraine before the end of the day. Where are we on the pain scale?” 

“About an eight, but I know it’s still building, it’s going to get worse before it gets better,” Kaidan admitted, his voice quiet. She nodded, her face grim as she went to the medicine cabinet. 

“Well, get comfortable then,” She stated simply as she pulled some vials out of her cabinet. “The meds will make you sleep, and hopefully, when you wake it will be manageable again. I’ve done some research and spoke with some colleagues who specialize in L2 implants,” She was whispering and had already dimmed the lights. He toed off his boots and set them under the cot before sitting. The cool air of the med-bay, combined with the soft lighting made it easier for him to open his eyes, which instantly fell on Shepard’s sleeping face. 

She really was a remarkable soldier. It was one thing to hear about Commander Shepard, it was something else completely to see her work in person. Aside from her career achievements, watching her on the battlefield was like watching a master painter at a canvas. She was fearless and bold. Some called her irresponsible, though you couldn’t argue with her results. She would plow into the center of the opposition without seeking cover. Methodically, and alternating between powerful biotic throws or warp fields and her deadly accurate aim with her assault rifle, she would take out a group barely sustaining damage. It was as if she could anticipate their next move, or where the next bullet would be coming from. He wondered absently if that was the N training. He was struck with the urge to impress her, to make her see that he was worthy of this posting. That he was worthy to serve under her. 

Dr. Chakwas was standing in front of him now, and he looked to her. Her gentle face was framed by softly graying blond hair. Her green eyes were dim with concern, and the worry creases at the corners indicated years of stressful situations. He rolled his sleeve up higher on his arm and she slid the needle in, injecting the narcotics. “This will treat the tension, and the inflammation. There is also a powerful pain killer, and a sedative,” She informed him, looking up at his face. She reached out a hand and ran it across his forehead. Kaidan instantly thought of his mother and a small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. “You should be sleeping soon, and should sleep for at least a few hours. I will alert the Captain of your status,” She stated and Kaidan winced. First groundside mission and the headaches already had him sidelined. She opened her omni-tool and ran a scan over his form.

He laid back on the cot bringing his feet up. She told him to rest, and he chuckled as she shook out a blanket and laid it over him. “It gets chilly in here,” She explained. He thanked her and she smiled at him patting his shin. He watched as she went to Shepard, she placed her fingers at her pulse point and opened her omni-tool to run a scan over her again. There was a small frown on her face as she deactivated the tool. She sighed, and reached out to run her hand over Shepard’s face like she had Kaidan’s. He felt a little sad at that. When was the last time a maternal hand had graced her features while she was sick or injured? She would have been sixteen when Mindoir was attacked. He sighed and draped his arm over his eyes, trying to keep out the little bit of light in the room. If he felt this bad after seconds in the beacon’s beam, he could only imagine what Shepard would feel like when she woke; if she woke. He felt like an idiot.


	5. Chapter 5

Kaidan was awake well before he opened his eyes. He lay, listening to the sounds of the med-bay as he assessed his remaining migraine; a dull throbbing. He heard Dr. Chakwas on the other side of the room, quietly humming to herself. The soft of the monitors next to him told him Shepard was still there. He let his eyes open slowly and was grateful the migraine remained at bay. As he sat up, he looked over Shepard. She seemed unchanged for the most part. Though, her face appeared tense. As he adjusted to being upright he decided his migraine, while not gone, was manageable just like the Doctor promised it would be. He cleared his throat gently, “Ah, Lieutenant Alenko,” Dr. Chakwas greeted in a soft voice as she turned to look at him. “How are you feeling?” She asked and he gave her an update as she walked over to him. She ran a quick scan, checking his vitals while nodding. “Very good. Day cycle has ended so your sleep schedule will be off,” She walked over to a closet towards the back of the bay and returned with a box of tea bags. “If you’re feeling too wound up to sleep right now try some of this tea. It should help you relax and fall into a natural sleep, instead of a drug induced one.”

“Thank you, Dr. Chakwas. I appreciate all the extra steps you’ve taken to be able to handle my uh… ‘condition,’” Kaidan offered her a smile, and she shook her head.

“Nonsense. It is not a condition. It is a side effect. A side effect of the very ability that allows you to be the type of Soldier the Alliance needs you to be. Don’t ever apologize for it, just make sure you ask me for help when you need it and we’ll be just fine,” She admonished him like a mother would a small child, and it warmed him.

“Yes, Ma’am,” He couldn’t help the smile that pulled at his lips. It was rare to find a doctor who saw the migraines for what they are. He was grateful for her presence on this mission. She tapped his knee and returned the smile before going over to her desk. Kaidan’s gaze fell back to Shepard. He wished he’d still had an excuse to sit in the med bay and wait for her to awaken. The guilt gnawing at his core. “May I ask how the Commander is doing?” He inquired as he slid his boots back on. 

“Based on her brain activity, I believe she is no longer comatose, just resting. I expect she should wake up soon,” Dr. Chakwas answered. Kaidan looked again to her face, which still seemed restless. He started towards the door when he heard a soft moan leave her. He stopped and looked to her, her brow was creased and she was wincing. 

“Dr. Chakwas, I think she’s waking up,” Kaidan called to her and she walked over as Shepard’s eyes opened. In one fluid motion she sat, swinging her legs over the side of the bed. Her hand went to her forehead and she held it. Dr. Chakwas opened her omni-tool to run a scan. Shepard’s eyes were pinched closed and her jaw was clenched. 

“You had us worried there, Commander. How are you feeling?” Dr. Chakwas asked as Kaidan moved to stand behind the doctor and give her room. Shepard was pale still, with dark circles under her eyes. 

It took her a minute to answer, as if she were assessing herself. She lowered her hand, and slowly opened her eyes. She took a few deep breaths. Her voice was soft and quiet when she spoke, “I’m alright, just a minor throbbing. No worse than the day after shore leave,” She attempted a joke, but winced with her chuckle. The doctor smirked as she finished her scan. “How long was I out?” 

“About fifteen hours. I guess something happened down there with the beacon,” The Doctor answered as she stepped away from Shepard. Shepard’s eyes widened when she’d been told how much time she’d lost. Shepard stood, wavering slightly, and Kaidan had to restrain himself from reaching out to steady her. She caught herself and leaned against the bed for support. 

“It’s my fault,” Kaidan spoke up before she could ask what happened. When her warm blue gaze moved from the Doctor to him he instinctively adjusted his stance to a relaxed attention. She seemed momentarily surprised he was there. “I must have triggered some kind of security field when I approached it. You had to push me out of the way,” He added, and her gaze softened. 

“Have you dealt with many active Prothean beacons?” Shepard asked, her tone thick with sincerity. Chakwas was smirking as she directed her attention to her ‘tool.

“No, Ma’am,” He answered, his face screwed up in confusion.

“Then stop it, Lieutenant,” She scolded gently, while maintaining eye contact. “There was no way any of us could have known what would happen,” She reassured him and as the weight of the guilt lifted from his shoulders he felt a relieved smile tug at the corners of his mouth. He could see the disappointment in her eyes. Though, he was not sure if it was disappointment in him or in herself and the failed mission. Either way, he didn’t like it. 

“Actually, we don’t even know if that’s what set it off. Unfortunately, we’ll never get the chance to find out,” Dr. Chakwas added absently drawing the Commander’s attention. She seemed disoriented still, and possibly frustrated with getting pieces of information instead of a full briefing. 

“Why? What happened to the beacon?” Shepard asked looking back to Kaidan. Her eyes were dark with anxiety, her lips a tight line and her brow was creased. He cleared his throat before he answered.

“The beacon exploded. A system overload, maybe,” Kaidan started and was interrupted by Shepard.

“Goddamn it!” Shepard slammed her fist on the bed next to her and dropped her head, as a wave of blue energy whispered over her. The Doctor and Kaidan exchanged an apprehensive glance. There was a heavy silence in the room that lingered. Instantly, the guilt hit him again like a wave and he swallowed hard. 

After a few long, tense moments Kaidan continued, “The blast knocked you cold. Williams and I had to carry you back here to the ship.”

Shepard’s shoulders lifted and fell with a deep sigh. “Well, thanks for the assist, L.T., I owe you one,” Her tone was resigned, and dissatisfied. She didn’t even look up. It was another moment before she lifted her eyes and met Dr. Chakwas’s. Her color had returned. Her cheeks were flushed with disappointment, or embarrassment, that the mission had gone so wrong. “What’s the damage, Doctor?” She asked.

“Physically, you’re fine,” Chakwas said and Shepard nodded, looking relieved. “Yet, I detected some unusual brain activity, abnormal beta waves. I also noticed an increase in your rapid eye movement, signs typically associated with intense dreaming,” Dr. Chakwas was watching her closely, and Kaidan wasn’t sure if he should stay or if the point of his presence being appropriate had passed. Shepard turned her attention and found his eyes for a moment, and there was a flash of fear before they hardened, and dropped from his. He decided to stay.

She spoke with a soft yet firm voice, “I saw… I’m not sure what I saw. Death. Destruction. Nothing’s really clear. There were synthetics, the geth maybe. Slaughtering people, butchering them. It was, awful.” Her eyes had drifted closed, and her arms crossed over her chest in a defensive pose.

The doctor made a soft noise acknowledging her statement, “I’d better add this to my report.” Shepard’s eyes snapped open and she glared at the Doctor. Kaidan shifted uncomfortably. 

“What? That I had a nightmare? That’s hardly relevant,” Shepard’s tone was dismissive, and annoyed. “I highly doubt either the Council or Alliance Brass will care that I had a bad dream. Especially after the mission went FUBAR. Of course I’d have nightmares about synthetics after seeing the geth destroy a human colony.”

“Commander, we don’t know what will be relevant right now,” Dr. Chakwas argued as the door to the med-bay opened. 

“How’s our XO holding up, Doctor?” Captain Anderson’s firm, baritone voice rang out from the entry as both Kaidan and Shepard moved to stand at attention. Kaidan couldn’t be sure about the Doctor but he felt grateful for the Captain’s appearance.

“All the readings look normal. I’d say the Commander’s going to be fine,” Dr. Chakwas announced closing her omni-tool and looking to the Captain.

“Glad to hear it. Shepard, I need to speak with you, in private,” Anderson announced with a pointed glance at the Doctor and Kaidan.

“Aye, aye, Captain,” He answered before turning his gaze to the Commander. “I’ll be in the mess if you need me.” Kaidan felt Shepard’s gaze follow him and the Doctor out of the room. The door closed behind him and he sighed still feeling wound up. He knew he wouldn’t be able to close himself in his sleeper pod and fall asleep right away so he took Dr. Chakwas’s advice and headed over to the food counter to make himself some of her tea. He hoped it would do what she promised and help him fall asleep within a reasonable time. He was surprised at how relieved he felt when Shepard woke, and the fact that she’d absolved him of any responsibility. He still felt liable for losing the beacon, and he doubted anything she could have said would have made him feel better about it. 

Once his tea had steeped he took it to the table in the mess. He heard the med-bay doors open and glanced over his shoulder. Captain Anderson went to his cabin and Shepard stopped for a second and looked around before finding him. She headed towards him and he stood to greet her. “Commander,” He started and she waved him off.

“Please, just Shepard,” She insisted, shaking her head.

“Alright, Shepard,” He corrected himself before continuing. “I’m glad to see you’re okay,” He offered with a nod and she gave him a thankful smile. She seemed a little more relaxed after her conversation with Anderson, and Kaidan was glad to see it. She shouldn’t blame herself entirely for the mission when Intel dropped the ball. 

“How are you holding up? Things were pretty rough down there,” She inquired pulling out a chair from the table and gesturing for him to join her. 

He pulled out his own chair and sat while answering, “Yeah, you never get used to seeing dead civilians. Doesn’t seem right, somehow, you know?” They were sitting side by side at the table. She dropped her eyes to her hands where she was worrying a torn cuticle. She remained silent, and he wondered where she was at that moment, because she certainly didn’t seem like she was on the Normandy. “But at least you stopped Saren from wiping out the whole colony,” He reminded her, trying to reel her in. 

She didn’t answer for almost a full minute. “We,” She corrected, her head tilted to the side and she looked up at him. He cocked his head at her not sure what she meant. She explained, “We stopped Saren from wiping out the whole colony. I couldn’t have done it without you.”

“We’re marines, we stick together,” He reminded her, simply. “I’m just… I’m sorry we lost Jenkins.” He looked away from her this time. It was still hard for him to believe it had been just the day before that he had tossed the young man into the wall. It was never easy to lose a squad mate, but to lose someone so fresh and full of ambition was simply tragic. At least veteran soldiers knew the score going in. Jenkins had still held on to his youthful ignorance. He’d been secure in the knowledge that he was invincible – until he wasn’t. Shepard and Kaidan’s histories had already shown them that wasn’t the case. 

“Yeah, I … fuck I wish I could have done something to save him,” She stated, her voice gentle. “I hate losing soldiers under my command.” A deep sigh lifted her shoulders and she roughly rubbed her hands over her face. Her skin was flushed when she dropped her hands back to the table.

“I was there, you did… everything right. It was just… I don’t know bad luck,” He offered looking back to her. She made a face, like she appreciated the sentiment, even if she didn’t agree with him. He sipped his tea and tried not to study her expressions as she thought. He didn’t want to make her uncomfortable.

After a minute she looked up at him, “I hear Anderson had Williams reassigned. He said you vouched for her?” She asked, and he nodded. “Good. I’m glad we both saw her potential. With the right leadership, and some experience under her belt she’ll make an excellent officer candidate.”

“She survived. Sometimes that’s the hardest thing to do,” He said and she nodded looking back down to her hands. He sipped his tea, giving her a moment before continuing. “It’s been a hell of a shakedown cruise. Our first mission ends with one Spectre killing another. The Citadel Council’s not going to be happy about that. Probably use it to lever more concessions out of the Alliance.”

She seemed surprised when she looked up at him. “You’ve got a good grasp on the situation. You a career man?” She asked, avoiding the topic of her own recommendation to the elite group. She seemed glad to speak of something aside from the mission.

“Yeah, I’m sure you know, a lot of biotics are. I mean, we’re not restricted, but we sure don’t go undocumented,” She nodded with a shrug of her eyebrows as he spoke and he liked that she was actually listening to him. A lot of his COs in the past would make conversation, and then let themselves get distracted with something more pressing. Joker was right. She did want to know her crew. He continued, “May as well get a paycheck for it. Besides, my father served. When I finally enlisted, he said it made him proud,” He paused. “Is that why you’re here? Your family?”

“Nah, we were farmers on Mindoir. My younger brother had wanted to enlist when he was of age. He hated the colony life, felt trapped. I imagine he would have been a lot like Jenkins,” A small smile tugged at the corners of her mouth when she spoke of her family. She let the silence stretch for a minute and took a deep breath as the smile disappeared and she continued, “I’m the only one left now but, that’s… I’ve moved passed that.” 

“Oh, right,” He paused, feeling unsure how to keep the conversation going after touching on such a personal, obviously sensitive subject. He finished his tea, “Scuttlebutt says we’re heading for the Citadel, Ma’am. Can you tell me why?”

“Ma’am? Didn’t we cover this on Arcturus?” She said with a slight smile, looking at him out of the corner of her eye.

He laughed softly, and her smile widened. “Right, sorry, Ma-” He stopped himself and let his breath escape before correcting himself, “Shepard.”

She chuckled quietly, “Well, I don’t know why the crew can’t steer scuttlebutt topics away from the mission and focus on the juicy personal dramatics that keep the worlds turning,” She sighed, and looked up at him. She was quiet again, clearly deciding whether or not to divulge the information. Her eyes were so clear and open in their scrutiny. It was unnerving. “Captain wants to brief the Council. He’s hoping the Ambassador can get an audience with them, so we can tell them what Saren’s been up to.”

He was glad she’d felt she could trust him, and hoped he would continue to prove worthy of it. “Well, that makes sense. I mean, I’m sure they’d like to know he’s not working for them anymore,’’ He acknowledged, hoping she knew it would remain between the two of them. He assumed she did, or perhaps she was testing him to see if this would end up in the rumors circling the ship. He stifled a yawn. The Doctor’s tea was doing its job. He was glad she didn’t notice as she continued talking. 

“So,” She started almost sounding timid, which seemed oddly out of character for her, “Got any advice on how to act in front of an Ambassador, or the Council? I don’t meet many politicians.” She reached behind her head and with the tug of a few pins her hair fell from its bun, which had been messed by the events of the day. She ran her fingers through it. Kaidan caught a familiar scent in the air as she did. It was soft, floral, and almost sweet and there was a note in it that reminded him of something. He just couldn’t place it. He cleared his throat when she made eye contact again.

“An Ambassador?” He contemplated for a second. “Honestly, I just follow standard operational procedure: Salute anything you can eat or kill,” He offered and smiled when she laughed.

“Good advice,” She said the smile lingering. “Well, when we get done with business, you and I should review the liberty rotation. Get the crew’s schedules all straightened out,” She suggested as she slid her chair back from the table. 

“Sounds like a good idea. I know some of the crew could use it,” He agreed. He’d worked on the schedule before Eden Prime but they were still awaiting her approval.   
A comfortable silence fell over the pair, and Kaidan couldn’t stop the yawn this time. With a soft smile she glanced at her ‘tool. “It’s getting late, L.T., or early, really,” She sighed and bit her lip. “You should get a couple hours shut eye. It’ll be awhile until we dock and I want you fresh when he hit the Citadel.”

“Aye, aye, Ma’am,” He said, and shot him an exasperated glance. He chuckled as he spoke. “Sorry, Shepard. It’s going to take a little getting used to,” He admitted, sheepishly. He was a creature of habit and not one to ignore propriety. 

“I suppose there are worse things you could call me,” She smiled and wished him a good night before heading towards the stairs that would take her to the Bridge. As she went, she pinned her hair back up. He noticed her gait change just before she hit the stairs. She was officially back in work mode. He was glad she’d allowed herself the time to unwind before getting back to work. He wanted to believe that she had chosen him to spend that time with, but the truth is he was the only one awake, aside from Joker. 

He sighed as he stood and disposed of the mug from his tea. He went to his personals locker outside the med bay and stored the rest of the tea as he grabbed his bag for the showers. A quick shower, wash off the day and he’d get some rest for the morning cycle. He sincerely hoped the Council would see that Eden Prime wasn’t Shepard’s fault and give them the support they needed to stop Saren and the geth. He promised himself he wouldn’t make another stupid mistake. He promised himself he wouldn’t let her down again. Now that he knew how much this mission would affect her, specifically, he felt the urge to make sure it was a success even more than before. He told himself it was because she was a respected soldier, a Spectre candidate and the brightest example humanity had to show the rest of galactic society what an Alliance Soldier could achieve; and not the fact that he was attracted to her.


	6. Chapter 6

Early the next morning, Kaidan found Ashley in the mess staring down at her plate of food. He hadn’t spoken to her since they’d returned to the ship with Shepard’s unconscious form. He made himself a quick breakfast before joining her at the table. “Morning, LT,” She offered, sitting up straighter in her seat and resuming her meal.

“Morning, Chief,” He answered simply and watched her out of his periphery as they ate in a comfortable silence. She was an attractive woman. She was tall and slim with broad shoulders and well-rounded hips. She had a model’s figure, but a soldier’s strength. Her dark brown eyes, much darker than Kaidan’s own, hid an intelligent wit, an easy humor. Her full lips seemed to smile effortlessly and Kaidan had to wonder just what she could hide behind it. She’d been slightly reserved and quiet since joining the crew. He had no idea what it was like to lose an entire unit, and even less an idea what he could say to her to ease the pain. “How are you liking the Normandy?” He asked simply trying to start a --conversation, get a sense of the Chief.

“I have to admit, I was a little nervous about the assignment; especially considering the circumstances. Everyone has been very welcoming though, which is nice,” She admitted as she pushed her food around her plate. “I’m glad the Commander pulled through. I bet the crew could use some good news after … Jenkins,” Her voice was soft, withdrawn. He opened his mouth to respond but she sighed and dropped her fork before he could. “Truthfully, I feel guilty being here and I hate feeling that way. I mean, if Jenkins were still alive, I wouldn’t be here.” He was surprised at her candor, but only momentarily. He had the impression she didn’t have a problem speaking her mind.

“Listen, Williams, Jenkins was a valuable part of this crew, but there is not one person assigned to this ship who isn’t valuable. Of course, Jenkins will be missed but don’t let that take away from the fact that you earned your spot here. The Commander and I wouldn’t have made it back to the Normandy without your help. If anyone in the Alliance knows the kind of strength and will it takes to survive what you did, it’s Commander Shepard.” He finished as he resumed his meal. She was staring at him, and then she sighed.

“Thanks, LT,” She offered with a smile as she took a bite of her military grade eggs and sausage. It was quiet for a moment as they tried to enjoy their rations. She commented on the amount of food his rations provided him. He explained simply that a biotic’s metabolism was faster than average and they tended to eat more. “So, have you known the Commander long?” She asked casually as she finished up her breakfast.

“No, this is our first assignment together,” Kaidan answered and Ashley nodded. They spoke a little more of their histories, past assignments and experience. Kaidan had taken the time this morning to review her file. It was clean; a few commendations and relatively high test scores, with postings that may have been considered beneath her. “You know, with your record, I’m surprised you haven’t advanced further, if you don’t mind my saying so.”

“I appreciate that,” Ashley answered, averting her eyes without elaborating. Kaidan took the hint. It seemed everyone on this ship was valuable, and everyone had their own demons. They finished their meal in amicable silence that was only interrupted when Joker’s voice rang out over the comm that they were just a few minutes out from the Citadel. “You going to come check out the view?” Ashley asked as they cleared the table. With a nod, Kaidan and Ashley fell into step together and made their way to the Bridge.

Kaidan was not surprised to see Commander Shepard already in the cockpit standing over Joker’s shoulder as they approached the station. They made eye contact briefly before Joker spoke, “You’re just in time.” Kaidan moved to the co-pilot’s chair and Shepard kept her spot behind Joker while Ashley moved to look out the port side.

The Citadel was as large as it was beautiful. It gleamed silver against the sky. The station is shaped almost like a five-petaled flower, consisting of a central ring with five protruding arms. For protection, the arms can close on itself transforming the station into a long, invulnerable cylinder. This only happens in times of emergency; typically, the station stays open. The central ring is home to the Presidium, and the Wards can be found on each of the five arms. The Citadel is the capital of the Council space, the center of galactic government and is constantly protected by the Citadel fleet.

“That ship is enormous!” Ashley exclaimed as they circled the station, allowing the crew to get a good view.

“That’s the Ascension. It’s the head of the fleet,” Kaidan stated, awe tinting his voice at the sight of the Asari dreadnaught. The Citadel Fleet was charged with protecting the Council itself in the case of an emergency. Kaidan hazarded a glance towards Shepard. The lights of the holographic, artificial sky danced across her features and the blue of her eyes sparkled as she watched in wonder. He was reminded of the first time he left Earth. The hope he had for what he would see, and how quickly that hope was crushed once he got there.

“Well, size isn’t everything,” Joker commented under his breath as he pulled the ship around and made his way towards the center ring and the docking bay.

“Why so touchy Joker?” Ashley teased, twisting her body to look at the pilot who was grinning. Kaidan smirked as he glanced up at Shepard again. She had chuckled softly but didn’t take her eyes off the station.

“I’m not touchy, I’m just saying, you need fire power, too,” Joker answered matter-of-factly, letting the innuendo roll off his back.

“I’m sorry, have you seen its main gun? It could rip through the barriers of any ship in the Alliance fleet,” Ashley defended her enthusiasm as she moved to stand next to Shepard behind Joker. Kaidan had to agree with her.

“Not my ship, I mean, not the Normandy,” Joker answered defensively, “It would have to catch her first.” Ashely conceded that point to Joker before he reached out over the comm, “Citadel control, this is SSV Normandy. Requesting permission to land.”

“Alright, Williams, Alenko, get down and get your gear. The Captain wants us to go with him to see the Ambassador. Meet me at the airlock in 10,” She ordered and Ashley and Kaidan were quick to salute and head down towards their lockers.

It hadn’t taken them long to find the office of the human ambassador, Donnel Udina. Captain Anderson was already there and Shepard took her spot behind him and to his right as Kaidan and Ashley moved to take in the view of the Presidium while eavesdropping on the Ambassador’s call to the Council.

“This is an outrage!” Ambassador Udina roared at the Council, and Kaidan couldn’t help but think he was handling this the wrong way. You catch more flies with honey. “The Council would step in if the geth attached a Turian colony!”

“The Turians don’t found colonies on the borders of the Terminus Systems, Ambassador,” The Salarian Councilor, Valern, replied. His tone betraying his annoyance with the Ambassador. Even though the conversation was happening over the comm, and Udina was only speaking to holograms of the Council, the Salarian’s eyes still reminded him of the old sci-fi vids he’d enjoyed as a kid. Before getting out here, when humans thought of aliens, they pictured something more like a Salarian than an Asari.

The Asari’s are almost human-looking; female human as the Asari are mono-gendered. Their skin tone runs from blue to purple, and sometimes, though rarely, teal. Instead of hair crowning their heads they have semi-flexible, cartilage based, scalp crests that grow back off their heads. Asari are considered attractive by most species in the galaxy and, though Kaidan didn’t understand how, they can mate and reproduce with any species. Though the offspring will always be Asari.

The Salarians are amphibians and bipedal. Their frames are tall and their elongated bodies are well-suited for their high metabolism. Salarian heads are long and thin with a pair of horns at the top of their skulls. Their skin varies in color but they are commonly blue or grey. Their eyes are large and oval with thin membranes in lieu of eyelids. The pupils are a wide horizontal slit, and they blink upwards, rather than downwards as humans do. They have no nose, and no lips; their mouths are a long horizontal slit, and every Salarian Kaidan has ever seen, always looks like they are frowning.

The Asari and the Salarians were the first two species to find the Citadel, and they joined with the Turians to form the Council. The Asari have extensive life spans, most will live over one thousand human years. The Turian’s life span is about the same as a human, while the Salarians mature much faster due to their metabolisms and to find a Salarian older than forty human years is rare.

“That’s right. Humanity was well aware of the risks when you went into the Traverse,” The Asari Councilor, Tevos, added in, her tone soft, like a mother gently scolding a child who had burned their hand on a hot stove. It was as if she was sorry you were hurt but, damn it, she told you so. Kaidan could feel the tension rolling off of Shepard and he looked over his shoulder at her. Her hands were balled at her sides, and her biotics were reacting to her anger. He was surprised that she was so affected, but impressed that she could contain it. The power he felt from her was substantial. Anderson placed a hand on her shoulder, and she seemed to calm down. The gesture intrigued him. It seemed more intimate than it should have been, and Kaidan found himself wondering about their history.

“What about Saren?” Udina asked, his tone resigned. “You can’t just ignore a rogue Spectre,” as if a light bulb went on over his head, his voice raised again, “I demand action!” Kaidan clenched his jaw, he could see why the Council had such a poor opinion of humans. Politicians had never been the most positive example of humanity.

The Turian Councilor, Sparatus, answered him, his two toned voice condescending at best, “You don’t get to make demands of the Council, Ambassador.”

Tevos broke in to avoid an escalated argument, “Citadel Security is investigating your charges against Saren. We will discuss the C-Sec findings at the hearing, not before.” Her tone was matter of fact and dismissive. She ended the call immediately. Their holographic images fading away, and Ambassador Udina turned to address Anderson and his crew for the first time since they entered the room. Ashley and Kaidan turned to join in the conversation now that the call had ended.

Ambassador Udina had the unfortunate luck of resembling a rodent. His facial features were pinched close, nose long and almost hooked. He had deep set, dark eyes full of determination and entitlement. His hair was graying, and receding. His lips were thin and pressed together as if relaxing would cause his face to fall apart. He was just about as tall as Kaidan but had a smaller frame. It was clear this man had never worn armor or held a weapon in his delicate, small hand. He reached out and shook the Captain’s large, calloused hand as he greeted him, “Captain Anderson, I see you brought half your crew with you.”  
“Just the ground team from Eden Prime, in case you had any questions,” Anderson responded gesturing to the trio as they took a step forward together.

“I have the mission reports,” Udina responded, his voice was nasally and grated on Kaidan’s nerves. “I assume they’re accurate.”

“They are,” Anderson nodded, “Sounds like you convinced the Council to give us an audience.”

“They were not happy about it,” Udina snapped turning away from them for a moment, and pinching the bridge of his nose. He turned back and his brow was creased and he looked almost as if he had a bad taste in his mouth. Kaidan had to be honest, this whole conversation was leaving a bitter taste in his own mouth. “Saren’s their top agent. They don’t like him being accused of treason.”

Kaidan jumped a little when Shepard spoke, her voice was harder than he’d ever heard it, and pure anger laced every word. “This is just like Mindoir.”

“Excuse me, Commander?” Udina snapped and Anderson turned to her. He held his hand up, telling her to hold her tongue, but it was as if she couldn’t keep the words in.

“I said, this is just like Mindoir. A human colony is attacked and the Council blames the victims instead of working to protect us. Saren is a threat to every human colony and he needs to be stopped,” She stated firmly. He knew, in that instant, that it was intentional when she let her biotics flare and ripple over her form. He bit back a smile at the fear that flashed in Udina’s eyes before he spoke.

“Settle down, Commander. You’ve already done more than enough to jeopardize your candidacy for the Spectres. The mission on Eden Prime was a chance to prove you could get the job done. Instead, Nihlus ended up dead-“

“I know what happened on Eden Prime,” She interrupted him, her tone deep and menacing. Kaidan saw, now, where her reputation came from and he was glad he was on this side of her. In the span of a few seconds, she had somehow grown taller and larger, filling the room with her presence.

“- and the beacon was destroyed!” Udina finished, his own anger bubbling near the surface.

“That’s Saren’s fault! Not hers!” Anderson shouted moving to stand between the two. “We’re on the same side here. We need to work together to ensure the Council believes us about Saren and guarantee Shepard is made a Spectre.”

“Screw being a Spectre! I don’t want to be the right hand to those assholes! This is fuckin ridiculous! If they won’t stand behind humanity when we are being attacked outright why should we want to work with them?” Shepard shouted and Kaidan took an involuntary step back. The energy from her was igniting his own biotics, and he could feel the energy running through him. If it wasn’t for the extreme control he had over his abilities, he might have flared in response to her.

“How do you think we’re going to get that respect?” It was Anderson’s turn to shout at both of them. “We’re not going to get anywhere butting heads with each other or making asinine demands of the council. We wouldn’t denounce one of our own agents based on someone’s word without proof. How can we expect them to?” Kaidan was suddenly very glad for Anderson’s presence and cool, even temper in the room. He was surprised at how quickly Shepard stepped back and bit her tongue. He exchanged an unamused glance with Ashley.

As Udina spoke, Shepard turned her back to him and brought a hand to her brow, “Then we better hope the C-Sec investigation turns up some evidence to support our accusations. Otherwise, the Council might use this as an excuse to keep you out of the Spectres.” She dropped her hand and her anger flared, but before she could turn around, her heated gaze locked on Kaidan’s. He wasn’t sure what she saw there, but she kept his gaze and took a deep breath and slowly let it out. He watched her calm down, her anger ebbed away and she slowly turned around to face the Ambassador, staying brilliantly silent. Udina asked Anderson to stay behind to speak with him privately, and Kaidan could tell they were being dismissed. They were directed to meet them at the Citadel Tower.

“That’s why I hate politicians,” Ashley muttered as they left his office, just loud enough for Udina to overhear but quiet enough that she could deny having said anything. As they left the office, Shepard looked over at Ashley and smiled. Shepard rolled her shoulders, and stretched her neck from side to side. They were walking for a minute before Ashley spoke again, “You alright, Ma’am? It got a little… tense in there.”  
She didn’t answer right away, just kept her eyes forward as they made their way around to the Citadel Tower. “Yeah, I’m fine,” She answered shortly. “I get a little sensitive when colonies are involved. Anderson’s right. I’ve got to keep my head clear.” She was speaking to them, in answer to Ashley’s question, but it was clear she was reprimanding herself. She let out a deep breath as they reached the elevator at the base of the tower. Kaidan noticed a slight tremble in her hand as she pushed the call button. Immediately, her hands balled and she dropped them to her sides. He looked up to her face, and saw the tension in her features.

“You weren’t wrong, Ma’am,” Ashley offered as they waited. Shepard closed her eyes and bit her lip without turning to look at them.

“Maybe not, but I handled it wrong,” She sighed. “I just want to get this over with and get back to work. Saren is out there getting a larger head start the longer we sit here and pander to the politicians,” The elevator arrived and they stepped on and rode it to the top level. The elevator was quiet, and Kaidan could feel the anxiety level rise as they did. They stepped off the elevator and found the top floor of the Tower to be the most luxurious space they’d seen yet. It was a large open area, dimly lit, with flowing fountains and cherry trees. The scent of the cherry blossoms filled the area as they made their way around. They came upon two Turians in a heated discussion and at the mention of Saren’s name, Shepard gave the signal to stop and Ashley and Kaidan did, with no question.

When the conversation they had eavesdropped on ended, one Turian turned towards them, “Commander Shepard. I’m Garrus Vakarian with C-Sec,” He introduced himself and Shepard nodded at him. They spoke briefly about Garrus’s investigation into Saren and how he had not had enough time to get the evidence needed. Garrus wished them luck after Kaidan reminded her the Council hearing would be starting. She nodded at Kaidan, and then at Garrus before making her way towards the Council. Ashley commented on the number of stairs that had to climb to reach the council, then noted it was probably to make it more defensible than anything else. They met Anderson near the top.

“The hearing has already started, come on,” He nodded over his shoulder and turned to lead them up the stairs. A look passed between Anderson and Shepard that Kaidan couldn’t help but notice and his curiosity piqued again. As they reached the top of the stairs, the Council members came into view, in corporeal form this time. Kaidan noticed the hatred flash in Shepard’s eyes when her gaze moved to the holographic form of Saren who was smiling arrogantly down at them. Her jaw clenched and her eyes narrowed as she bit her tongue and watched the hearing unfold.

“The geth attack is a matter of some concern, but there is nothing to indicate Saren was involved in anyway,” Tevos spoke softly, attempting to maintain the false calm over the occupants of the room. Sparatus confirmed what Garrus had already told them, that the C-Sec investigation turned up no evidence.

“An eyewitness saw him kill Nihlus in cold blood!” Udina shouted back at them, and Kaidan winced. Apparently, they were going to bang their heads against the Council’s walls until they bled. They’d failed; they hadn’t obtained the necessary evidence.

Valern responded simply, his tone cool and words quick as he turned his large, black eyes towards the Ambassador, “We’ve read the Eden Prime reports, Ambassador. The testimony of one traumatized dockworker is hardly compelling proof.”

“I resent these accusations. Nihlus was a fellow Spectre, and a friend,” Saren’s voice was deep, and saccharine. Kaidan cringed when he spoke.

“That just let you catch him off guard!” Anderson shouted back, surprising Kaidan and Ashley made a flinching noise under her breath.

“Ah, Captain Anderson,” His voice was smug, and Kaidan’s jaw clenched in response. “It’s been awhile. Suddenly, it’s all makes sense. Of course you’re here. You’re always involved when humanity makes false charges against me. This must be your protégé, Commander Shepard,” Her name was a sneer, and Kaidan involuntarily balled his fists at his sides with the effort to remain quiet. “The one who let the beacon get destroyed."

Shepard’s voice was low and threatening, “You destroyed the beacon, and then tried to cover it up.” He could feel the restraint she used to keep from shouting as she glared at him.  
Saren chuckled, “I see Captain Anderson taught you well. Shifting the blame to cover your own failures. Typical. I would expect nothing else from a human. Your species needs to learn its place, Shepard. You’re not ready to join the Council. You’re not even ready to join the Spectres!”

The condescension in tone was more than Udina could handle. He turned his attention back to the Council, “He has no right to say that! That is not his decision!” Kaidan shook his head gently, and looked to Ashley who rolled her eyes.

Tevos broke in, ever the mediator, “Shepard’s admission into the Spectres is not the purpose of this meeting,” She reminded them and Shepard’s shoulders rose and fell with a sigh.

“This meeting has no purpose,” Saren muttered, his mandibles flaring, “The humans are wasting your time, Councilors, and mine.”

Shepard turned her icy gaze to the Spectre, “You can’t hide behind the council forever.” There was no doubt it was a threat, or a promise. Kaidan felt his confidence rise with her tone. She wouldn’t stop, no matter what the Council decided. She turned her attention back to the Councilors, as Saren huffed. “You need to open your eyes.”

“What we need,” Valern snapped, “is evidence. So far, we have seen nothing.”

Anderson spoke up and Shepard groaned quietly, Kaidan had a feeling he knew what was coming, and he could understand Shepard’s hesitation at mentioning this. Anderson shot her a look before continuing, “There is still one outstanding issue: Commander Shepard’s vision. It may have been triggered by the beacon.”

Saren scoffed, “Are we allowing dreams into evidence now? How can I defend my innocence against this kind of testimony?”

Sparatus spoke up, “I agree. Our judgment must be based on facts and evidence, not wild imaginings and reckless speculation.”

Valern turned his attention to Shepard, and asked if she had anything to add. She scowled at Saren, knowing this had been a colossal waste, “You’ve made your decision. I wouldn’t want to waste any more of your time, or my breath.” She snapped, disgust tainting every word.

Tevos looked to both Valern and Sparatus before speaking, “The Council has found no evidence of any connection between Saren and the geth. Ambassador, your petition to have him disbarred from the Spectres is denied.” Her word was final.

“I’m glad to see justice was served,” Saren stated, and for the first time turned his attention to Ashley, his mandibles flared again before his hologram winked out. It almost sounded like Ashley growled, and Kaidan reached out and took her wrist to bring her attention back where it needed to be. She looked to him, her eyes blazing. If Saren had read the Eden Prime reports, he would have known they’d picked up a survivor. He was a Spectre, he had to have known Ashley was it. Thankfully, Tevos spoke adjourning the meeting. The humans left behind turned towards each other after walking down a flight of stairs.

“It was a mistake bringing you into that hearing, Captain. You and Saren have too much history. It made the Council question our motives,” Udina sighed scrubbing a hand over his face. Shepard started to speak on behalf of her mentor, when Anderson held up a hand.

“I know Saren. He’s working with the geth for one reason: to exterminate the entire human race. Every colony we have is at risk. Every world we control is in danger. Earth isn’t safe!” Anderson argued. Ashley asked about his history with Saren, and Shepard’s cold gaze moved to her before telling her now was not the time.

“We need to deal with Saren ourselves,” Shepard declared shifting her weight from one foot to the other. She was clearly anxious to stop standing around. They took a few minutes to discuss their options, which were limited due to his Spectre status. It was decided they would search out Garrus, to see what he knew. Though, they wouldn’t be able to go through standard channels. Anderson directed Shepard to meet with a disgraced C-Sec contact who would be found drowning his sorrows at Chora’s Den, a seedy bar in the lower wards.

It was also decided that Shepard would handle the investigation. Udina wanted Anderson’s hands and history off any evidence they found. Captain Anderson looked to Shepard who had concern written on her features, “Go get the evidence we need. You don’t need me to get this done. You’ve got this. Bring whatever you can find to the Ambassador’s office. That’s where I’ll be.” She nodded, snapped to attention and saluted him. He let a proud smile pull at the corners of his mouth and returned the salute. He turned on his heel then, and walked away.

Shepard turned to her crew. “You heard the Captain. Move out.”

“I can’t believe they sidelined him,” Ashley commented to Kaidan as they followed Shepard through the Wards towards Chora’s Den. They had certainly entered the poorer section of the Citadel, and Kaidan realized it was more than just a space station. It had an economy and a social structure of its own. Kaidan glanced to Shepard’s back as she led them, but he didn’t respond to the Chief’s comment. “I mean, there must have been a reason. He didn’t even put up a fight.”

“He has a history with Saren,” Shepard said around a sigh as she slowed her step, allowing Kaidan and Ashley to flank her as they continued walking. She paused in her words without breaking her stride. “That’s all I’m going to say about it. It’s a private matter and if the Captain wants to share it with you, he will. It’s his story,” Shepard dictated and Ashley’s questions fell silent. Kaidan was more curious than ever as to the Commander’s relationship with their Captain. Like she said, however, it was private and not his place to ask.

They reached Chora’s Den and, as they turned the corner, a shot rang out. The three marines dropped into cover. They waited for a break in the gunfire, eyes on Shepard. An eerie silence filled the area seconds before Shepard stood from behind the low concrete wall and hit one of the assassins with a biotic throw tossing them against the opposite wall. Kaidan activated his omni-tool and, remaining in cover, sabotaged the other’s rifle allowing Ashley to take him out with a clean shot to the center of his chest. Shepard was glowing blue as Kaidan checked his ‘tool for other hostiles in the area. “All clear,” He announced as he stood, without looking up from his ‘tool.

Shepard continued to glow as she calmed down from the surprise attack. She opened her omni’tool as she directed her team, “Williams, notify C-Sec. Alenko, check the bodies. I need to know if this was random or…” Her voice trailed off as her attention turned to the call she had placed, and she turned her back to them. Kaidan moved over to their fallen attackers. It didn’t take him long to hack the simple security on the thugs omni’tools, and even less time to find the information he was looking for. He moved over to Shepard, and Ashley met him at her side. He noticed Anderson was on the other end of her ‘tool’s comm. “What did you find?” She asked him as the first C-Sec agents arrived on the scene.

“Mercenaries, someone put out a hit on you,” Kaidan answered, his voice grim as her eyes darkened angrily.

She turned her attention back to Anderson when he spoke from her wrist, “My guess would be Saren. Watch yourself, Shepard,” He ordered before promising her he would handle the paperwork with C-Sec and told her to keep looking. She acknowledged his order and ended the call.

“Well, Dad always said, if no one’s shooting at you, you’re not doing it right,” Ashley commented. Shepard turned her eyes towards the entrance to the club and motioned for them to follow. If she found Ashley’s aside humorous, she didn’t show it. They stowed their weapons and made their way inside the club.

Kaidan was instantly assaulted by the fluorescent lighting and pounding beat of the music. If they spent too much time here, he was sure to end up with a migraine. It was the reason he avoided places like these. He looked around, there was a bar in the center of the club and tables scattered around the perimeter. At each table, there were a few chairs and an asari dancer, scantily clad and moving slowly and seductively to the music. He cleared his throat as his eyes drifted over the dancers. “I can see why this place is so popular, it’s got quite the uh, view,” Kaidan commented absently as they made their way around the bar, checking for Harkin.

Shepard’s brow creased and she looked at him out of the corner of her eye for a brief second before Ashley spoke, “Hey, LT, pick your tongue up off the floor before you trip over it,” She paused for a second, “Figures, we’re a million light years away from Earth and we can still walk into a night club where men ogle over women shaking their asses on stage. I can’t tell if that’s funny or sad.”

“What? You don’t think they’re here for the food?” Kaidan asked, his tone teasing.

“Enough,” Shepard snapped, and Kaidan’s gaze shot to her. She was still in front of them, and her head was turned slightly so he was looking at her profile. She seemed annoyed at their conversation, and Ashley and Kaidan both offered apologies before falling in line behind her. She gave the signal to stop, and turned towards them making it appear they were in a group and having a discussion as she listened to two Krogan arguing near the back offices. Apparently, the owner of the club had gotten himself into trouble with some mercenaries. It wasn’t until after the Krogan conversation was over that they continued their search for Harkin.

They found him sitting at a back table surrounded by half a dozen empty bottles and another in his hand. Kaidan watched as Harkin’s dark, drunken gaze traveled from Shepard’s toes, and ended on her face. He licked his lips, and his grin was predatory when he spoke, “Hey, sweetheart, why don’t you pull up a chair and sit that perfect little ass next to old Harkin here, and we’ll see what kind of fun we can have tonight,” His voice was slurred and sleazy. She placed her hand on her hip and shifted so her hip was cocked to her right. She looked confident and in control, and never sexier.

“Not a chance, Harkin. I’m here for information not fun, and I hear you might have the information I need,” She stated, her voice firm, but not cold. Kaidan felt the disgust curdle in his core at the way Harkin was staring at her, his eyes trailing openly over her form and lingering at her curves.

“I think we can work out an… arrangement,” He said leaning forward, resting his elbows on his knees and looking up at her. He reached his hand out towards her hip and without thinking Kaidan flared his biotics, his entire frame sheathed in blue at the same instant Ashley pulled out and cocked her pistol. Harkin raised his hands and sat back in his seat.

“Me too, you give me the information and you get to leave with your balls attached,” She threatened and Harkin scrubbed a hand over his face and passed his receding hairline to scratch his head.

“What do you want?” He asked, lifting his drink to his lips.

“Where can I find Garrus Vakarian?” Shepard asked and Kaidan discharged the energy while Ashley stowed her pistol.

“Vakarian, huh? You must be part of Anderson’s crew. Crazy bastard’s still trying to bring Saren down. Alright, Princess, I know where Garrus is but first you have to tell me. Did the Captain let you in on his little secret?” Harkin sneered. Kaidan and Ashley exchanged a glance.

“Call me Princess again, and you’ll be picking your teeth up off the floor. Stop jerkin me around, Harkin," Shepard demanded again, her eyes narrowing.

“Fine, fine. You crazy bitch, I’ll tell you where Garrus is, but before I do you should know, they were going to make Anderson a Spectre about twenty years ago. He says Saren fucked it up for him and has had a personal vendetta…”

Shepard interrupted him with her pistol against his forehead, “Vakarian?” Harkin glared at her, clearly not appreciating the threat. He swallowed hard.

“He was sniffing around Dr. Michel’s office. She runs the med clinic on the other side of the wards. Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to finish my drink in peace,” He snarled and Shepard stowed her weapon and turned on her heel to head back out the exit with Kaidan and Ashley following. Shepard hadn’t seemed as surprised by Harkin’s claim as he had been. Anderson was to be a Spectre? He could understand now why the Council would find it hard to believe them about Saren with Anderson involved, if Harkin was telling the truth.


	7. Chapter 7

“Excuse me, Ma’am,” Ashley spoke up once they had left the club. “About what Harkin said… about Anderson,” They walked towards the transit station to call for a taxi to take them to Dr. Michel’s Med Clinic, and Kaidan could sense Shepard’s tension at Ashley’s questions. Part of him wanted Ashley to drop it, a larger part of him was just as curious as she was.

“Captain,” Shepard snapped her correction before sighing. “It’s Captain Anderson…” She sighed and turned to face the pair. “Listen, it was close to twenty years ago, when Ambassador Goyle was our representative here on the Citadel. Like Udina, she wanted a human in the Spectres and she chose Anderson. The Council sent Saren to keep an eye on him and to evaluate him, just like they sent Nihlus to keep tabs on me,” She paused and her gaze bounced between Ashley and Kaidan. She was conflicted, not sure if she should tell them. She sighed and locked eyes with Kaidan. Her voice was soft when she continued, “It’s not something he’s proud of. He was in my place and Saren made sure he failed.” 

“I think, with everything going on, maybe we should hear the whole story. It might help us understand why the Council is so reluctant to trust us,” Kaidan urged gently. He meant that, but he was selfishly hoping this would shed some light on their relationship which he was having so much trouble getting a read on. 

“I agree,” Shepard nodded and reached a hand up to rub the back of her neck. “The Alliance had intel on a rogue scientist being funded by Batarians. The scientist was trying to set up a facility to develop illegal AI technology out in the Verge. Now, Alliance Intel had done all the work, but the Council wanted a Spectre involved. So they compromised and Anderson was assigned to help Saren in his investigation. They tracked the scientist to a refining facility on Camala. He was hidden inside, protected by an army of Batarian mercenaries. All they had to do was sneak into the plant, capture the scientist and sneak back out; quick, quiet with minimal bloodshed. They split up to cover more ground. About halfway through the mission, there was a massive explosion in the refinery core. Officially, it was ruled an accident, but Anderson believes Saren detonated it on purpose to draw off the enemy guards,” Shepard dictated as if she’d been reading it from a report. 

“How many casualties?” Ashley asked, her arms crossed over her chest as she listened to Anderson’s story. 

“The explosion tore the refinery to shreds. The whole place burned and chemical clouds poured into the atmosphere. Nobody inside survived. On top of that, there was a camp for the workers and their families nearby. Between the fires and the toxic fumes, the final death count was over five hundred,” Shepard paused at Ashley’s low whistle, “Mostly civilians and Saren didn’t care. The target was eliminated. Mission accomplished. Anderson ended up taking the blame, and that ended all talk of him joining the Spectres.” Shepard’s face was grim as she went over the details.

“How did Anderson get blamed?” Kaidan asked softly, and her eyes met his before she continued. He still couldn’t tell what their relationship was, but it was clearly very important to her.

“In his report, Saren accused Anderson of blowing his cover. He said it was Anderson’s fault the guards were ready; claimed that’s why it turned into the massacre it was. Saren’s report was all the proof the Council needed,” Shepard shrugged.

“Why’d Anderson let him get away with it?” Ashley asked, her tone incredulous. Shepard’s stare was cold and frustrated when she turned to Ashley.

“Who do you think the Council was going to listen to? Anderson? Or their best agent? It’s just like earlier today: no proof. Saren likes the violence and has no qualms with blowing an entire colony to get the job done and destroy any evidence. Don’t get me wrong, either, I know sometimes you have to make sacrifices. Sometimes, it’s better that 500 people die here so 50,000 can survive other there, but that should always be a last resort. Saren never bothered to look for another option,” Shepard said, and Kaidan was reminded of Eden Prime and the charges that had been set before Saren left. He thought of his debriefing with Anderson afterwards, and the recognition that had flashed when he’d told him Saren was there. It was starting to make sense.

“Commander, if you don’t mind my asking, how do you know this?” Kaidan asked, unable to control his curiosity any longer. Shepard turned her eyes back to him, and bit her lip. He felt his heart race under her scrutiny. Maybe he shouldn’t have asked.

“I have known Captain Anderson for a very long time,” She answered, simply. She looked like there was more she wanted to say, but she stopped herself when the taxi pulled up to take them to the Clinic. There were plenty of superiors Kaidan had known for most of his career, he still couldn’t imagine them sharing information like that with him. It was personal, and embarrassing, and Kaidan felt a little guilty that he had pressed Shepard to share the story with them.

As the skycar made its way through the wards, he watched the haunted look play on her features and wondered where she went when she looked like that. He knew he should be focusing on the mission but instead he was watching the artificial lights play over her face, lighting up her scars. It didn’t take long for the taxi to pull up to the Med Clinic and as they made their way towards the entrance they came to an open spot looking out over the station. It was more like looking at a city scape on Earth, with sky scrapers, a midnight blue sky and the bright lights of windows and sky cars lighting up the streets. It was massive, and breathtaking and all three stopped to take it in. “This place is huge,” Kaidan said as he let out a deep breath. 

“That your professional opinion, Sir?” Ashley mocked with a chuckle and a smirk as she looked at him with a cocked eyebrow. Shepard came to his rescue before he could reply.

“He’s right, Chief. This isn’t a station, it’s a city,” She stated as she followed his gaze, repeating his thoughts from moments before.

“There must be… millions here. It can’t be possible to track everyone coming and going,” Kaidan commented as he calculated the force necessary to create the gravity needed to keep the station together.

“This makes Jump Zero look like a porta-john and it’s the largest deep space station the Alliance has,” Ashley commented as she looked back over the view. 

“Jump Zero is big, but this is a whole other scale. Look at the ward arms! How do they keep all the mass from flying apart?” Kaidan voiced his thoughts from moments before, sounding a bit like an enthusiastic tech nerd but if Shepard had looked over his test scores, she would know that’s exactly what he was. The sheer scale of the station was mind-blowing. They had been on the station all day, but only now did it sink in how grandiose it was. 

“The Council represents more races than I thought. No wonder they’re careful with newcomers,” Shepard noted, absently. Her voice sounding oddly detached from her thoughts. 

“They probably just want to keep everything running. It has to be hard keeping all these cultures working together,” Kaidan suggested, momentarily coming to the defense of the Council.

“Or maybe they just don’t like humans,” Ashley accused gravely. Kaidan wondered, not for the first time, where Ashley’s distrust of aliens came from. It seemed pretty deep-rooted.

“Why not?” Shepard asked incredulously. Kaidan looked over to her and watched her speak. “We’ve got oceans, beautiful women, and this emotion called love. According to the old vids, we have everything they want,” Shepard stated. Her eyes were bright, and there was a smile playing on her lips for the first time since they met with the Council and Kaidan was struck again by how beautiful she was. 

“When you put it that way, there’s no reason they wouldn’t like you,” Kaidan said, and it wasn’t until she turned her gaze towards him, the smile still on her face, one sculpted eyebrow raised and a slight blush on her cheeks that he realized just what he had said. He looked away from her, noticed Ashley’s shocked expression, and stuttered, “I mean… us - humans, Ma’am.”

“You don’t take much shore leave, do you, LT?” Ashley teased through her smirk. Kaidan dropped his gaze to his hands on the railing and cursed silently. He was a grown man not some love struck teenager. He choked on the embarrassment as he tried to bury it.

“Alright, laugh it up, Chief,” There was a slight chuckle in her voice when she spoke to Ashley before turning her attention back to Kaidan. He could hear the sincerity in her voice and the smile on her face when she gently chided him, “I appreciate the thought, Alenko,” He looked to her, and her eyes were warm when they met his, “but we’re on duty here.”

“Uh… Aye, aye, Ma’am,” He answered, and returned the small smile.

“I’ll walk drag, Ma’am,” Ashley interrupted the moment with a chuckle and Shepard nodded breaking their eye contact and moving to lead them to the clinic. She was a few steps ahead of them when Ashley teased, “Smooth, L.T.,” quietly near his ear and turned to glare at her. 

“That’ll be enough, Chief,” He stated reminding her of her rank and she laughed quietly while raising her hands in surrender as they reached the clinic. 

The door opened, and the first thing Kaidan noticed was Garrus, crouched low and out of view of the Doctor and the man who held a gun on her. Shepard instantly lifted her pistol as Ashley and Kaidan flanked her. Ashley also had her pistol ready as Kaidan activated his omni-tool and readied a tech attack. The man grabbed the doctor and pointed his gun at Shepard, Kaidan already had the overload ready to go but he waited, “Let her go.” Shepard ordered stepping further into the room. 

“Who are you?” The man hollered. It was just enough distraction to allow Garrus to stand up and take the headshot, dropping the man easily. Ashley and Shepard turned their guns on the other thugs in the room, making quick work of them before going to check on the Doctor. 

“Thanks, Shepard. You gave me the perfect opportunity to take him out,” Garrus said as they moved over to the Doctor.

“It was a clean kill,” Shepard nodded. Shepard asked Ashley to inform C-Sec and sent off a message to Anderson as Garrus turned his attention to the Doctor and asked if she was alright. She was okay, if shaken. Apparently, there had been a Quarian poking her nose around. She had information on Saren and the owner of Chora’s Den, Fist, had been trying to keep the Doctor from telling Garrus about her. “I think it’s time we paid Fist a visit,” Shepard stated. 

“I know this is your show, Shepard, but I want to bring Saren down. I’m coming with you,” Garrus stated boldly, and Kaidan was surprised when Shepard let him tag along. Ashley reminded Shepard about the Krogans they’d overheard at Chora’s Den. “Wrex, he’s a mercenary who was hired by the Shadow Broker to take out Fist. Fist was an agent who abandoned him and went to work for Saren.”

“What’s a Shadow Broker?” Ashley asked curiously as they made their way to the transit call terminal. 

“An information broker, the Shadow Broker is the most powerful, well connected broker. You can’t sneeze without him knowing. Not the kind of person you want to betray,” Kaidan responded and Garrus nodded adding in that no one has ever seen him in person. “Might be useful to have a Krogan around,” Kaidan suggested and Shepard agreed. She decided they would stop at C-Sec to check in with Wrex.

“So, Vakarian,” Shepard started as they made their way down the stairs, “This is the second time I’ve had to draw my weapon since I set foot on the Citadel. That normal?” 

“It may look clean and shiny, but it’s as dark and dirty as a big city on any planet,” Vakarian answered and Shepard nodded, though his answer only seemed to sharpen the edge she was on. They rounded the corner, and entered the vestibule of C-Sec to find Wrex in a heated argument with one of Garrus’s fellow officers. 

The Krogan are a race of large reptile bipeds, and Kaidan always thought their faces looked a bit like turtles. They have large shoulder humps that store water and nutrients, allowing them to go without sustenance for long periods of time. Their eyes are wide set, giving them an excellent field of vision to allow them to see incoming attackers. They have thick hides which are nearly impervious to cuts, scrapes or bruises. They are also resistant to toxins, radiation and weather extremes. They can stand over seven feet tall and when fully armored can weigh roughly one ton. They have backups of major organs; for example: two hearts, four lungs, four testicles. Hence the Krogan slang term “quad.” Their near indestructibility allows Krogan to live for centuries. 

Shepard knew if she could find an ally in a Krogan, it could prove to be invaluable. The arguent ended with Wrex telling the officer he was going to kill Fist, and that he would like to see the officer try to arrest him. As Wrex moved to leave, Shepard stepped in his way. “Yes, human? Do I know you?” His voice was deep, and gravely. 

“Name is Shepard. I’m going after Fist and thought you might want to come along,” Her tone was matter of fact and she added a shrug.

“Shepard, Commander Shepard. I’ve heard a lot about you. We’re both warriors Shepard, out of respect I’m giving you fair warning. I’m going to kill Fist,” Wrex rumbled, turning his head slightly to allow a bright red eye appraise the human before him. It was then Kaidan noticed the impressive stretch of scars running from just under his eye, over his mouth and down his neck. He’d been deeply cut by something, or someone, at some point.

“Fist knows you’re coming, you’ll have a better chance if we work together,” Garrus interjected, adding incentive for Wrex to come with them instead of going off alone. 

“My people have a saying: Seek the enemy of your enemy and you’ll find a friend,” Wrex stated, holding his hand out to Shepard. Shepard welcomed him to the team and shook his hand. “Let’s go, I don’t want to keep Fist waiting,” Wrex said with a chuckle. Kaidan was a little stunned at Shepard’s willingness to work with aliens. Then again, if she was going to accept the Spectre position she would have to get used to unorthodox crews. Ashley, on the other hand, was not as accepting and as they made to leave C-Sec and head back to Chora’s Den she muttered something Kaidan couldn’t quite hear under her breath. Shepard did.

“Excuse me, Chief?” Shepard asked as she stopped and turned to glare at the younger woman. 

“Ma’am, it’s just that this is an Alliance mission, and an Alliance vessel. It seems inappropriate to invite aliens along,” Ashley’s stare was cold, her tone hard and she stood at attention while questioning the Commander’s decisions.

Shepard’s eyes were narrowed at her, and she was frowning slightly. The rest of the crew had stopped and were staring. “Get back to the ship,” She said, pointing towards the elevator that would take her down to the docking bay. 

“Commander!” Ashley started to argue, her tone surprised and slightly desperate. 

“Now,” Shepard barked the order. Ashley saluted and turned on her heel. Shepard watched her go before turning, “Let’s move.” 

They weren’t far from the club and as they made their way over, they heard someone shouting Shepard’s name. She stopped, looked around, and spotted a blond man waving excitedly. Kaidan trailed slightly behind her as she cautiously made her way over to him, as if she was trying to see if she recognized him. Before she could speak, he started, “You’re Commander Shepard, the hero of Eden Prime! I am so honored to meet you! My name is Conrad. Conrad Verner. They say you killed more than a hundred geth on Eden Prime!” 

“I wasn’t exactly counting. Is there a reason you were shouting my name across the station?” She asked, trying not to sound as annoyed as she was but failing, and Kaidan looked to Garrus whose mandibles flared as Kaidan suppressed a chuckle.

“Well, I know, I mean, I know you’re probably busy, but do you have time for a quick autograph?” He asked, star struck. Kaidan couldn’t hold it in any longer and chuckled softly, and Shepard turned and glared at him. She agreed. “Thanks! My wife is going to be so impressed!” 

“Right, I’ve got to get back to work,” She said dismissively.

“Of course,” He sounded disappointed. “Hey! Next time you’re on Earth, I’d love to buy you a drink!” He said, and Shepard offered him an awkward smile and a small wave before turning and heading towards Chora’s Den. She was shaking her head as they walked, Kaidan took a few extra steps to walk beside her.

“Seems like you’ve got fans, now, Shepard,” Kaidan teased with a smile.

“Can it, Alenko,” She answered with a chuckle of her own, and a sidelong glance from the corner of her eye. Kaidan was grateful for the lighthearted moment, and the fact that she’d smiled, in the middle of all of this drama. 

The atmosphere was much different when they reached Chora’s Den this time. Shepard motioned for them to flank the door before going in. She waited for them to be in position before opening the door. Bullets started flying immediately, and Kaidan threw up a biotic barrier and went in first taking cover as he overloaded the nearest merc’s gun and used his rifle on the merc to the opposite side, allowing Shepard, Wrex and Garrus time to enter safely.

The club was overrun with thugs, and they made their way slowly around the bar taking them out with a mix of biotics and weapons that Kaidan was growing used to. Shepard rushed out from behind cover to take out a Krogan bouncer when the Krogan suddenly charged at her. Kaidan knew there was no way for her to avoid him, he charged up and with a violent flick of his wrist sent the Krogan flying into the wall. He didn’t hold back this time, like he had with Jenkins. The release of the energy gave him a rush he felt down to his toes and the Krogan hit the wall with a sickening crunch. Shepard stalked over and was able to finish him off with a quick rap from her rifle. His breathing was heavy as he scanned the area for hostiles, “Area’s clear.” He announced. He looked up to see Shepard staring at him as if she were looking at him for the first time. He cleared his throat and moved passed her towards the back office, where Fist would be. 

They moved together through the stock area, and Shepard ordered the warehouse workers to leave and they did, allowing them to save a little bloodshed. The door to Fist’s office was locked, and Shepard signaled for Kaidan to hack it. He stood next to her as he opened his ‘tool and worked through the code. “We’re going to talk about that later,” She promised him quietly.

“I don’t doubt it,” He answered as the lock turned green, “Ah, I mean, aye, aye,” He corrected and he turned so his back was to the wall opposite Shepard as she opened the door.   
They moved in and found Fist bookended by two defensive turrets that activated instantly. Garrus and Kaidan each sabotaged a turret and Wrex placed Fist in a biotic stasis, effectively freezing him in place allowing Shepard to close in on him. She aimed her pistol before Wrex released the stasis and Fist fell to the floor. As soon as Fist was down, his arms were up blocking his head as he begged for his life and surrendered. Kaidan lowered his weapon, noticing Wrex hadn’t. “Where’s the Quarian?” Shepard asked, as she cocked the gun. They were so close to getting the evidence they needed. He insisted he didn’t know where she was as he curled up into a tighter ball on the floor. 

“Can I kill him now?” Wrex asked sounding bored. His weapon pointed at the man. 

“Wait!” He peeked out from behind his arms and looked to Shepard, fear etched in his features. I don’t know where she is but I know where you can find her! She said she’d only deal with the Shadow Broker himself,” Fist pleaded for time, pleaded for his life.

“Face to face? Impossible! Even I was hired through an agent!” Wrex insisted. Shepard lowered her weapon and Fist rose to his feet. 

“Nobody meets the Shadow Broker. Ever. Even I don’t know his true identity. But she didn’t know that. I told her I’d set up a meeting. But when she shows up, it’ll be Saren’s men waiting for her,” Fist admitted. Shepard grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled his face close to hers. She demanded to know where the meeting was as her pistol rested just under his chin. “Here on the wards. The back alley by the markets. She’s supposed to meet them right now. You can make it if you hurry.” As soon as Shepard released him, Wrex fired his shotgun into Fist’s belly sending him hard to the wall. Shepard jumped and Kaidan cursed loudly. 

“The Shadow Broker paid me to kill him. I don’t leave jobs half done,” Wrex answered simply, as he stowed his shotgun. Kaidan glared at Wrex for a second before shooting a glance at Shepard. Fist had surrendered, he didn’t have to die. Kaidan turned his attention to Fist’s desk. Garrus was already on his comm reporting the shooting at the club. 

Shepard stared at Wrex for a moment before speaking, “You did warn me, and I get it, Wrex, but your contract is done now. If you’re staying with us, we don’t kill captives.” He grunted his assent. “Now, let’s find the Quarian.” Shepard let Garrus lead them to the alley as he was more familiar with the station having worked in C-Sec. They got there quickly and found the Quarian facing down Saren’s men who attacked when she refused to supply the data. 

From their position at the top of the stairs in the alley, they were able to make quick work of the thugs between Garrus’s sniper rifle and the combined biotics of the rest of the group. Once they were down, and the Quarian was safe, they moved towards her. 

When she spoke, her soft voice had a pleasant trill to it. “Fist set me up! I knew I couldn’t trust him!” Quarians are a race of nomads, driven off their homeworld by the geth. Over the course of the centuries that passed while living on their ships, their immune systems weakened to the point that they have to wear suits that cover them from the tops of their heads to their feet. No one outside the Quarians themselves, know what they look like under their suits. Even their faces are covered by an opaque, domed mask. The shape of their eyes are barely discernable beneath the mask and their filtered, circular mouth pieces light up when they speak. 

“Fist won’t be a problem anymore,” Shepard reassured her. “We’re you hurt in the fight?”

“I can take care of myself,” She sounded defensive, and Shepard raised an eyebrow at her tone. “Not that I don’t appreciate the help. Who… who are you?” She asked suddenly sounding nervous. 

“My name is Shepard. I’m looking for evidence to prove Saren’s a traitor,” Shepard answered.

“Tali’Zorah nar Rayya, I may have a chance to repay you for saving my life. Just, not here. We need to go somewhere safe,” The Quarian introduced herself, and said the words they had been waiting to hear. Kaidan suggested they take it to the Ambassador’s office. 

Shepard nodded before turning to Garrus, “This makes four, Vakarian. Still think it’s just like any city planet side?” She asked dryly.

“No, Shepard, now I think it might be you,” He answered, humor lacing his tone and Shepard chuckled as she sent a message to Anderson as Garrus, once again, alerted station security.

“Wrex, Garrus, Why don’t you two meet us down at the Normandy? I expect Captain Anderson will want to speak with both of you before we leave the station,” She suggested. “I’ll send you a message when we’re heading down that way. If that’s okay?” The aliens consented, and Shepard turned to Tali. “You’d better come with us.”


	8. Chapter 8

"You’re not making my life easy, Shepard. Firefights in the wards? An all-out assault on Chora’s Den?” Udina was sneering as he scolded the Commander without turning around. Shepard sighed loudly and rubbed the back of her neck as she stretched. “Do you know how many – Who is this?” Udina asked when he finally turned around and Anderson walked over from the balcony. “A Quarian? What are you up to, Shepard?”

“My job, Ambassador. I’m making your day. Meet Tali’Zorah nar Rayya, she has information linking Saren to the geth,” Shepard said placing a comforting hand at the top of Tali’s back as she introduced her. Anderson’s face lit up, as did Udina’s. Kaidan stood slightly behind Shepard to her right, letting his COs discuss the data. 

“Really?” Udina asked. “Well, in that case, maybe you’d better start at the beginning, Miss…?” Udina was clearly unsure what to call her and Kaidan enjoyed his discomfort.

“Tali is fine,” She confirmed, Udina apologized, stating he doesn’t have the opportunity to meet many Quarians, and asking why she had left the flotilla. “I was on my Pilgrimage. My right of passage into adulthood. It is a tradition among my people. When we reach maturity, we leave the ships of our parents and our people behind. Alone, we search the stars, only returning to the flotilla once we have discovered something of value. In this way, we prove ourselves worthy of adulthood. It could be resources like food or fuel. Or some type of useful technology. Or even knowledge that will make life easier on the flotilla. Through our pilgrimage, we prove that we will contribute to the community, rather than being a burden on our limited resources,” She was rambling nervously, her hands twisting in front of her. Shepard turned to her, and got her attention by looking in the general area of her eyes.

“Tali, tell us what you found,” She entreated, her tone soothing and gentle. Tali nodded. Kaidan watched as just that gentle prodding from Shepard, and the way she spoke to the skittish young Quarian, gave her the courage she needed. 

“Right, sorry,” She nodded gently towards Shepard, and steeled herself as she stood straight and turned her attention back to Udina and Anderson. “During my travels I began hearing reports of geth. Since they drove my people into exile, the geth have never ventured beyond the Veil. I was curious. I tracked a patrol of geth to an uncharted world. I waited for one to become separated from its unit. Then I disabled it and removed its memory core,” She stated this like it was an every day occurrence, a simple task. After Eden Prime, Kaidan knew otherwise. Between what they had witnessed in the alley, and the ease with which she spoke of disabling geth convinced Kaidan she really could handle herself.

“I thought the geth fried their memory cores when they died, as a defense?” Anderson asked, honestly intrigued. 

She spoke, her tone firm and knowledgeable, and if not for her youthful innocence and eagerness to impress, her tone could have been considered condescending, but it wasn’t, “My people created the geth. If you’re quick, careful and lucky, small caches of data can sometimes be saved.” She activated her omni’tool as she spoke, “Most of the core was wiped clean, but I was able to salvage something from its audio banks.

She played the recording, and Kaidan watched as Shepard and Anderson locked eyes, their gaze intense and angry, while in contrast, Udina’s eyes lit up like a kid on Christmas morning, “Eden Prime was a major victory. The beacon has brought us one step closer to finding the Conduit.” It was definitely Saren’s voice.

“And one step closer to the return of the Reapers,” A second voice added before Tali closed her ‘tool. Kaidan couldn’t see her face, but her stance betrayed her pride, and Kaidan was glad they’d given her the opportunity to contribute. 

“That’s Saren’s voice. The Council has to accept this as proof he was involved in the attack,” Anderson stated, finally turning his gaze from Shepard and looking to Udina. Udina admitted he didn’t recognize the other voice on the recording, but that wasn’t the point. They had Saren. 

“He said Eden Prime brought him one step closer to the Conduit. What could that be?” Shepard asked, her voice sounded distant, and her brow creased. She looked to Anderson.

“I bet it has something to do with the beacon,” Anderson replied, watching Shepard work through it. “Some kind of Prothean technology.”

Shepard turned back to Tali, “Did the geth have anything on the Reapers?”

“According to the memory core, the Reapers were a hyper advanced machine race that existed fifty thousand years ago. The Reapers hunted the Protheans to total extinction, and then they vanished. At least, that’s what the geth believe,” Tali answered with a slight shrug.

“Sounds a little far-fetched,” Udina commented snidely, but Kaidan was watching Shepard react. Her face blanched, and her eyes closed. She slowly turned away from Anderson, Udina and Tali, and was facing Kaidan with her hands up on her forehead. He took a small step forward, and when she opened her eyes and looked to his, for the first time since he’d met her, and for only an instant, she looked scared.

“I understand it now,” She whispered and Anderson placed his hand on her shoulder. She turned to look at him. “The vision from the beacon. I saw the Protheans being wiped out by the Reapers.”

“The Council is just going to love this,” Udina stated, rolling his eyes and scrubbing a hand over his face.

“The geth revere the Reapers as gods, the pinnacle of non-organic life. They believe Saren knows how to bring them back. That’s why they’re following him,” Tali added and Kaidan noticed Shepard’s hands tremble before she fisted them at her sides. He wondered just how affected she was by the beacon, and he swallowed the guilt, again.

“The Reapers are a threat to every species in Council space. We have to tell them,” Shepard insisted, her voice firm and demanding.

“Well, no matter what they think about the rest of this. We have the proof we needed. Well done, Commander,” Anderson said, clapping her on the shoulder again. Udina and Anderson left to arrange the meeting with the Council, and Shepard turned to Kaidan. Any trace of fear or doubt was gone from her.

“We should follow, be there when they’re ready for us,” Shepard said to Kaidan as Tali stood off to the side of the room. 

“What about her?” Kaidan asked gesturing to the Quarian.

“My name is Tali!” She snapped, and Kaidan immediately offered his apologies. “Commander, you saw me in the alley. You know what I can do, let me come with you,” She suggested, her vibrating voice pleaded.  
“It’s not up to me,” Shepard insisted, “It’s Captain Anderson’s ship, but I’ll certainly vouch for you, if you’re sure.” Tali took her hand and insisted she was. “Let’s get to the Tower.” While they made their way over to the Citadel Tower for their next meeting with the Council, Shepard turned to Tali, “What about your pilgrimage?” 

“The Pilgrimage proves we are willing to give of ourselves for the greater good. What does it say about me if I turn my back on this? Saren is a danger to the entire galaxy. My Pilgrimage can wait,” She answered, and Kaidan realized he would vouch for her, too. Shepard seemed to have a magnetism about her, a way to attract the best people – or maybe she just brought the best out of the people she met. 

They reached the Tower a bit quicker this time since they had been there before. They met Anderson in the same place as before, and he led them back up to the Council. They were just finishing listening to Tali’s recording of Saren, and Kaidan couldn’t help but feel smug as he watched Shepard stare down all the Councilors as Udina threw the evidence at them.

“This evidence is irrefutable, Ambassador,” Sparatus stated went the recording had finished, “Saren will be stripped of his Spectre status and all efforts will be made to bring him in to answer for his crimes.” The Turian Councilor punched a few buttons on the console in front of him. 

Tevos spoke then, “I recognize the other voice, the one speaking with Saren: Matriarch Benezia.” Her tone betrayed her surprise, and Shepard asked her to elaborate. “Matriarch Benezia is a powerful biotic, and she had many followers. She will make a formidable ally for Saren.” She was assured yet anxious in her statement.

“I am more interested in the Reapers. What do you know about them?” Valern asked, bringing their attention to him for the first time in this meeting.

Anderson answered, “Only what was extracted from the geth’s memory core,” He repeated what Tali had informed them before. “We think the Conduit is the key to bringing them back. Saren is searching for it. That’s why he attacked Eden Prime.” 

Valern asked if they had any clues as to what the Conduit was, and Shepard’s hands clenched and flexed open at her sides, her anxiety and frustration mounting, “Saren thinks it can bring back the Reapers. Regardless, of what it is, that’s bad enough.”

Sparatus shouted, “Listen to what you’re saying! Saren wants to bring back the machines that wiped out all life in the galaxy? Impossible. It has to be. Where did the Reapers go? Why did they vanish? How come we’ve found no trace of their existence? If they were real, we’d have found something!”

Shepard spoke low in response, “The geth believe the Reapers are gods, and Saren is the prophet for their return. I tried to warn you about Saren, and you refused to face the truth. Don’t make the same mistake again.”

Tevos spoke up, “This is different. You proved Saren betrayed the Council. We all agree he’s using the geth to search for the Conduit, but we don’t really know why. The Reapers are obviously a myth, Commander. A convenient lie to cover Saren’s true purpose. A legend he is using to bend the geth to his will.”

Shepard’s voice was hard when she spoke again, “Fifty thousand years ago, the Reapers wiped out all galactic civilization. If Saren finds the Conduit, it will happen again.”

Sparatus spoke this time, “Saren is a rogue agent on the run for his life. He no longer has the rights or the resources of a Spectre. The Council has stripped him of his position.”

“That’s not good enough!” Udina shouted, his outrage making him shake, “You know he’s hiding in the Traverse! Send your fleet in!”

Valern snapped back, his voice cool in stark contrast to Udina’s, “A fleet cannot track down one man.”

“The Citadel Fleet could secure the entire region, keep the geth from attacking any more of our colonies,” Udina was insistent. 

“Or it could trigger a war with the Terminus Systems! We won’t be dragged into a galactic confrontation over a few dozen human colonies!” Sparatus replied, his anger matching Udina’s.

Shepard was barely audible when she spoke, it forced everyone to be silent in order to hear her, “Every time humanity asks for help, you ignore us,” The Councilors exchanged looks between themselves while she spoke, “It’s just like Mindoir, silly humans… setting up colonies on the edges of Citadel space… we hadn’t been out here that long then, I get that. You couldn’t know if we would last. But now? We’re either a part of the galactic community, or we’re not. You have to make that decision, and goddamn it, its decision time. With or without your approval, with or without your help, I am going after Saren,” Shepard declared, fire in her eyes.

Tevos stared at Shepard, openly appraising the human before her before. “There is another solution,” Tevos started after a silent moment, “A way to stop Saren that does not require fleets, or armies.” She looked at Sparatus as she finished speaking.

“No! It’s too soon! Humanity is not ready for the responsibilities that come with joining the Spectres,” Sparatus insisted, his voice outraged. 

Shepard’s voice was surprisingly resigned when she spoke again. She shrugged, “You don’t have to send a fleet into the Traverse and the Ambassador gets his human Spectre,” A soft chuckle accompanied her words, “Everybody’s happy.” Kaidan had the suspicion not everyone was happy with this development, and he found himself once again wishing he could read her mind.

The Councilors looked to each other before Tevos spoke, “Commander Sloan Shepard, step forward.” She looked to Anderson, who let a small, proud smile spread on his face, and she mirrored it, though it lost some of its confidence, before stepping up to the end of the walkway. “It is the decision of this Council that you be granted all the powers and privileges of the Special Tactics and Reconnaissance of the Citadel.”  
“Spectres are not trained but chosen. Individuals forged in the fire of service and battle, those whose actions elevate them above the rank and file,” Valern added, his tone firm and commanding ringing out through the large open space.

“Spectres are an idea, a symbol. The embodiment of courage, determination and self-reliance. They are the right hand of the Council, instruments of our will,” Tevos continued, her voice softer but no less authoritative.

“Spectres bear a great burden. They are protectors of galactic peace, both our first and last line of defense. The safety of the galaxy is theirs to uphold,” Sparatus finished, he sounded proud of the words he was speaking, but still unsure of Shepard.

“You are the first human Spectre, Commander. This is a great accomplishment for you and your entire species,” Tevos reminded her, as if that was necessary. 

“I’m honored, Councilor,” She answered with a gracious nod, though Kaidan didn’t believe her words, and he watched Anderson watch her. He hoped Anderson wasn’t pushing her into this as a way to live vicariously through her. Shepard deserved better than that.

“We’re sending you into the Traverse after Saren. He’s a fugitive from justice, so you are authorized to use any means necessary to apprehend or eliminate him,” Valern commanded, ensuring she understood the scope and the tools available to her to ensure success. 

“I’ll find him,” She promised, and those three words were the most convincing words she’d spoken since they’d decided to make her a Spectre. 

“This meeting of the Council is adjourned,” Tevos stated, and the Councilors descended their positions and disappeared into rooms behind their raised platform.

Shepard looked a little shell shocked when she turned to face them again. She took a step closer and Anderson reached out and shook her hand, the grin had grown, “Congratulations, Commander.” She nodded staying silent.

“We’ve got a lot of work to do, Shepard. You’re going to need a ship, a crew, supplies… Anderson, come with me. I’ll need your help to set all this up,” Udina stated before walking away from the group, Anderson turned on his heel and followed Udina.

Kaidan thought about offering her his congratulations, but when he saw her expression, he decided not to, “Not even a thank you from Udina.” Kaidan commented, and she looked to him when he spoke, like she’d been woken up.

“What did you expect from a politician?” She asked with a shrug before pulling up her ‘tool and he assumed she was sending a message to Garrus and Wrex to meet at the Normandy if they still wanted to come along. It struck Kaidan again, then, she had no family to contact and share this news with. It was such a blunt contrast to his own life, it was hard to imagine. Shepard advised Tali to go gather her things and to meet them at the Normandy’s docking bay. 

This left Shepard and Kaidan alone as they made their way to the docking bay. It was a comfortable silence as they made their way through the Presidium. “Are you ready for this, Alenko?” She asked without looking at him. 

He had to admit he was caught off guard by her question. He looked at her, and her eyes were bright as they locked on his. He knew he could tell her he was ready, but when he looked at her, his answer suddenly wasn’t that easy, “Is anyone ever ready for something like this?” He asked and she laughed softly looking down to their feet as they walked.

“Good, I was afraid I was the only one with doubts,” She answered, her hands were folded behind her back. “Think they bought it?” Her words surprised him; he’d certainly bought it, and he told her as much. She graced him with her rich, full laugh and placed her hand on his arm as they reached the elevator that would take them to the docking bay. He couldn’t help but smile back. The stepped onto the elevator, and Kaidan looked to her.

“Commander,” She cocked her head and looked up at him sideways, “If there’s one thing I believe, after these last few days, it’s that if there is anyone who can do this. It’s you. I’m just glad I get to watch, and maybe help,” He said simply and was pleased when she gave him a full smile. 

“Thanks, Alenko. We’ll get it done. I’m just glad Anderson is still Captain,” She said as the doors opened and they stepped off the elevator. Garrus, Tali and Wrex were standing near the Normandy’s airlock, where Udina and Anderson were waiting for them.

“I’ve got big news for you, Shepard!” Udina shouted as Shepard and Kaidan made their way over. Kaidan stopped short, and let Shepard move forward as he took, what he was feeling more comfortable considering, his spot slightly behind her and to the right. “Captain Anderson is stepping down as commanding officer of the Normandy. The ship is yours now,” Udina announced, and his heart dropped for her after her confession in the elevator. He watched as her shoulders fell, like the wind had been let out of her sails, for just an instant before she stood ramrod straight. 

Her eyes went to Anderson when he spoke, his voice thick, “She’s quick and quiet and you know the crew. Perfect ship for a Spectre,” Anderson couldn’t hide the naked pride in Shepard’s new title. “Treat her well, Commander.”

“I’ll take good care of her, Sir,” She promised softly.

“I know you will,” Anderson replied, and held her gaze. Kaidan felt like he was intruding on a private moment. It wasn’t sexual that’s for sure, there was none of that tension. It was almost familial. He wondered just what role Anderson had played in Shepard’s life.

“Well, Commander, I’ll forward the leads we have to the ship,” Udina stated and Anderson reminded her she was a Spectre now, and didn’t answer to Udina or the Alliance, not directly. The anger in Udina’s eyes was not easily hidden, “Right but your actions still reflect on humanity as a whole. You make a mess, and I get stuck cleaning it up.”

She turned her heated stare to the Ambassador, “I’ll do my job, Udina, and you do yours.”

“Just remember, you were a human long before you were a Spectre, I have a meeting to get to. Godspeed, Commander,” Udina turned and stalked off the docking bay.  
Kaidan watched on as Shepard turned back to Anderson, “I want the truth, Captain. Why are you stepping down?” She asked, and Kaidan turned his back to the conversation, allowing them a modicum of privacy.  


“You needed your own ship. A Spectre can’t answer to anyone but the Council, and it’s time for me to step down,” Anderson insisted. “Saren’s gone. Don’t even try to find him. We know what he’s after: the Conduit. He’s got his geth scouring the Traverse looking for clues.”  


“David,” Shepard scolded, and the use of the Captain’s first name made Kaidan pause. He was stunned. “I asked you for the truth. You’ve never lied to me. You’ve never hid behind the company lines with me. Don’t start now.”  


He sighed audibly, “Honestly? No, this isn’t how I pictured my career coming to an end. Pushing papers really isn’t my thing. But you’re the one who can stop Saren. I believe in you, Sloan. If that means I have to step aside, so be it.”  


“I don’t have to like it,” She whispered, and Anderson chuckled, and pulled her in for a hug. “I won’t let you down, Sir,” She said before pulling away from him. She stood at attention and saluted him. He returned the salute. “I should go,” She said and he nodded. She called out to the aliens at the end of the bay, “This ship is leaving in five with or with out you,” She walked away from Anderson and as she passed Kaidan she added, “Let’s do this, Alenko.”  


As Kaidan and Shepard waited for the decontamination scans to complete, he watched her in his periphery. She stood stone still, eyes on the floor with her back straight and her hands fisted at her sides. Her jaw was clenched and he almost thought he saw tears in her eyes. The scan completed before he’d worked up the nerve to break the silence. Once on board, she turned left and went to the cockpit and Kaidan went right to his station to try to process everything that had happened today as he prepped his terminal for launch. He knew it would take longer than a couple hours for everything that had happened to sink in. He was distracted when Shepard’s voice rang out over the comm.  


“This is Commander Shepard speaking. We have our orders: find Saren before he finds the Conduit. I won’t lie to you. This mission isn’t going to be easy. This began with an attack on a human colony in the Traverse. We know Saren won’t stop there. His geth armies aren’t going to stay on the far fringes of Citadel space. Our enemy knows were coming. Where ever he searches for the Conduit, we’ll be there. We will hunt him to the very ends of the galaxy and bring him down. Humanity needs to do this, not just for our own sake but for the sake of every species in the galaxy. We will stop him.”


	9. Chapter 9

The ship was heading to the Artemis Tau cluster to look for Liara T’Soni, Matriarch Benezia’s daughter. Ironically, Dr. T’Soni was an archaeologist who studied the Protheans. Shepard wanted to reach her to see if she could give them any information on her mother, or the Protheans, that might help them in their search for the Conduit. Kaidan was glad when he’d finished his shift and had nothing left to do. He was tense, his thoughts wouldn’t stop turning. Saren. Geth. Shepard. “David.” He needed to do something physical to work out the frustration and let his mind rest. He changed quickly before heading down to the cargo bay and the small workout area. There was a punching bag, a weight bench and a pull up bar; he figured he could take some of his frustration out on the bag. 

He stepped off the elevator and as he reached the area he heard soft grunting and the sound of fists hitting the bag; apparently he wasn’t the only one looking for some stress relief. He stopped in his tracks when he saw Shepard working the bag. She was dressed in a gray Alliance tank top and shorts with running shoes. Her hair was pulled back in a pony tail, which rocked back and forth with each hit to the bag. The clothing she wore to workout was snug enough for him to see the muscles shifting as she moved. She hadn’t noticed him yet, so he took this moment to take her in as his eyes trailed over her sculpted arms, toned abdomen and shapely legs. Her skin glistened from the exertion. Some of her hair had fallen loose and stuck to the side of her damp face and neck. Her lips were pressed together, and her brow creased with effort. He jumped when she let out a yell, and he felt her biotics ignite seconds before a blue sheathed fist hit the bag knocking it to the floor as it broke open spilling the sand inside. She was breathing heavy as she reached for her water.

“This is why we can’t have nice things,” Kaidan said stepping into the area and she jumped a little, the water trickled down her chin to her chest and was camouflaged by the sweat there as it disappeared beneath her top. He cleared his throat softly and smirked as she laughed and wiped at her mouth. She noticed his clothes, and the towel and water he’d brought with him.

“Sorry,” She offered him as she picked up her own towel and gently pressed her face into it, drying it. “I’ll be sure to requisition a new one.” She promised and Kaidan shrugged as she walked closer to him.

“What did the bag do to you anyway?” He asked. He’d been pleasantly surprised to find her here, and wanted to continue their interaction instead of allowing her to leave him alone with his workout. Her eyes were alight from the activity, but still seemed sad.

“It doesn’t hit back,” She answered as she tossed the towel over her shoulder and sipped some of her water without moving her gaze from his eyes. 

Kaidan spoke without thinking, “Well, I do,” He offered. She grinned, immediately dropping the bottle from her mouth. Her eyes sparkled with excitement. He was suddenly nervous, did he really just challenge an N7 agent to spar?

“You sure?” She asked him as her grin took on a predatory edge. 

“No,” He said with a chuckle as he set his towel and water down on the bench and moved to the center of the area. 

“Alright,” She started, still grinning, as she followed him, “but I’m not holding back,” She warned him as they circled each other. 

“Me neither,” He answered as he lifted his hands to a defensive position, fists up and forearms out. She mimicked his pose as they continued to move around each other without turning their backs to the other. It went on for a minute before Kaidan spoke again, “Ladies first, Commander,” He offered her the opening offensive. 

She chuckled, “I know. I’m waiting, Lieutenant,” She teased back and he shook his head as he moved in and took the first shot, a quick jab she had no problem blocking before he threw in a cross that she simply wasn’t there to receive. She used his momentum to her advantage and scored a quick kidney shot as she moved behind him. If it had been anyone else, he would have been surprised at the power behind it, but this was Shepard and he had no idea what to expect. “Maybe I am holding back a little,” She offered and he chuckled as he turned towards her again. “I don’t want to have to answer to Dr. Chakwas,” She admitted.

“Fair enough,” He answered and she came at him again. She was fast, but he was still able to block two shots before she scored on his side with a left hook. He winced and knew he would feel that later. “So, everything squared away with Williams?” He asked her as he moved in. He feinted with his left and was able to make contact with a right cross that she rolled off of, so the impact was minimal. She moved with almost a feline agility, light on her feet and vigilant. It wasn’t the first time he’d thought she had some kind of sixth sense that allowed her to see where the next attack was coming from. 

“Yeah, did you know her Grandfather is that General Williams, from Shanxi?” Shepard asked him as she moved in with another combo, but this time he was able to block all three hits. She offered him an appreciative nod at his acclimation to her attack style. Kaidan admitted he hadn’t known that, but that explained her distrust of aliens, and her lackluster assignments despite her record and test scores. General Williams went down in history as the first, and only, human to surrender to aliens. This happened back during the First Contact War, but clearly her family name was still tarnished. “Yeah, it does. It doesn’t really matter though. This mission is not a typical Alliance mission. It affects more than humanity. She promises to be more open-minded. I just hope she can, she’s talented, but if she can’t work with the crew I pick up, she’ll have to be reassigned.”

“That would be unfortunate,” He said as he tossed out another jab, followed by a cross and a hook that scored on her side. She turned towards him, grinning. He chuckled, “You shouldn’t be laughing.” He said with a smirk of his own. She promised she would feel it later, and they lost themselves for a few moments in the back and forth of the faux fight. He watched as her silence allowed her to dive into herself and the muscle memory of the fighting took over. Her eyes were dark and distant as she came at him. “So, why’d you really break the bag?” He asked her through a groan, after she connected with his kidney again, and his back arched from the impact. 

“Today did not go the way I thought it would,” She admitted after a moment as they continued their slow dance. “I was looking forward to serving with Anderson and I never actually wanted to be a goddamn Spectre,” She admitted quietly. Her eyes gleamed as she moved in again and he found it harder to block her as the speed of her fists increased. With the speed came power. “Anderson was the first human face I saw on Mindoir after the attack,” She was speaking quietly, and Kaidan found it hard to focus on what she was saying as he concentrated on her movements attempting to anticipate where her punches would land so he could block them. “He’s the reason I joined the Alliance. Shit, he’s the reason I was ready for N School when I got the recommendation. He’s the reason… I’m… and I ended his career today. All because they made me a mother fuckin Spectre.” She said as she pulled back and her fist connected with his ribs, and he bit back a yell. “All I wanted was to serve the Alliance, make David proud, protect the colonies in ways my colony wasn’t. Try to honor my family’s memory. Now, I’m the goddamn right hand for the very fuckin people who did nothing for me when my family was taken from me,” She was coming at him again, fists flying and at full power. 

She was intimidating when she really let loose. He could feel her biotics reacting to the energy she was expelling as she remained on the offensive. Their friendly volley was over, though not intentionally. It was like she needed the physical exertion to really let herself get out the emotional strain. Kaidan wasn’t afraid of her, but she would hurt him if she let loose biotically. He watched as she disappeared into herself again. She connected with his jaw and he saw stars for a second before he let his own nodes ignite and caught her in a mild stasis. The energy field was just enough to stop her attack, as he stood straight and wiped at his mouth. He released the stasis and she dropped down and swung a leg around, kicking his feet out from under him. He fell and landed hard on his tailbone with a yelp, before letting himself lie back. After tripping him, she’d fallen onto her back and was staring at the ceiling as they nearly panted from the workout.

“Sorry, Alenko, I didn’t mean to unload on you like that, but a stasis? Chicken shit,” She teased as an apology as she sat and brought her knees up in front of her, looking at him. He was still on his back and he let out a chuckle. She reached out a hand to him and pulled him so he was sitting facing her. He tasted copper, and he lifted his hand to his lip and watched her wince. “Oh fuck, I must have… I didn’t realize … I didn’t mean to hit your face. I guess, I deserved the stasis,” She reached out to touch the cut and his breath caught in his throat as he felt her biotics tingle against the sensitive skin of his lip. “A little medi-gel will clear that right up. I’ve got some in my bag.”

She pulled her hand away and made to stand when he spoke, “Don’t worry, it’ll heal,” She let herself sit back down on the floor in front of him and he continued, “Commander…” 

“Shepard,” She corrected as she rested her chin on her knees and looked up at him. 

“Shepard, may I ask you something, about what you said? Feel free to tell me if it’s out of line,” She nodded. “Do you think you won’t be able to make Anderson proud as a Spectre?”

She held his gaze for a long moment before answering. He was about to let her off the hook and apologize for the breach of protocol when she finally spoke. “No. I know he’s already proud of me,” She said with a chuckle that lacked the required humor, as her eyes dropped from his. “I was 16 when I met David. He became something like a big brother to me,” She paused and looked down to her hands, where she picked at a torn cuticle. Her voice was soft and sad when she spoke again, “It’s a crazy profession we’ve chosen. You want to do well, and be recognized but you have no control over who does the recognizing. My goal was never to be involved with Council politics. I wanted to advance as far as I could in the Alliance and retire before my name was a weapon feared more than my pistol. With the addition to Spectre to my title, I think it’s too late for that,” She admitted, and her eyes moved up to his and it seemed as if, for a second, she’d forgotten who she was talking to but she didn’t seem to regret the admission. 

“That makes sense,” Kaidan nodded, “You don’t think the reputation would make your pistol more effective?” He knew what she was talking about, he had seen it happen to other’s throughout his career. They go from front line heroes to working back room politics until they retire from boredom more than anything else. 

“For now,” She said, effectively closing the topic. “So,” She said as she stood and reached out a hand to him. He took it, allowing her to pull him to his feet. They moved to the bench to grab their water and towels. “Why are you so against offensive biotics?” She asked him and he sighed. She lifted her water to her lips and drank, her eyebrow arched as she looked up at him. “I’m serious. Alenko, you threw a fully armored Krogan across the room with enough force to knock him out cold,” She said it as if he was unaware of what he had done.

“I have worked very hard to reach the level of control I have,” He said as he straddled the bench. He didn’t like talking about this, but she had opened up to him, so it was only fair he returned the gesture. She mirrored him on the bench, her towel around her neck. “When the biotics manifested, I was terrified. My parents were at a loss. One day, after school, these men showed up. My parents had packed a bag for me and I was sent to Brain Camp,” He saw the confusion play on her face, “Biotic Acclimation and Temperance training, but to the kids it was known as Brian Camp. Listen, let me know if I get too informal, protocol wasn’t a big focus at BAaT,” Kaidan said and Shepard shook her head.

“This is certainly not a formal debriefing,” She urged him on, “besides I asked.”

He paused for a minute. She had asked, but it had only been to take the focus off herself. “It’s kind of funny,” He said simply, and Shepard asked what he meant, “We finally get out here, and the final frontier is already settled and the residents don’t even seem impressed by the view, or the dangers.” He felt a gentle twist in his core when she smiled at him. It was soft and friendly, and it warmed her features pleasantly.

“I knew it,” She said quietly and he gave her a questioning look, “You’re a romantic! Did you sign on for the dream, Alenko? Secure man’s future in space?” 

He found himself grinning easily, “Yeah, well, I did read a lot of those books as a kid. You know, where the hero goes to space to prove himself to the woman he loves, or, you know … for justice,” She was smiling still, and he found he appreciated the way her smile lit her eyes. “Maybe, I was a romantic,” He conceded, “in the beginning. But, after BAaT, I realized ‘the dream’ doesn’t exist. My goal now, is simply to do something good and, you know, see what’s out here,” She asked about BAaT then and he hesitated. There was something about the way she looked at him, that gave him the courage to tell her about it. He let out a deep sigh, “Well, Biotic Acclimation and Temperance didn’t last past the airlock, we all called it Brain Camp. It was a place for us to ‘commit to an evaluation of our abilities, so an understanding of biotics could be compiled.’ It wasn’t the best situation for a group of kids, but it beat the brain tumors some kids got from the ‘accidental’ exposures.” He filled her in on how his mother had been exposed, and his opinion on whether or not the exposures remained accidental. He was glad to hear she agreed with his assessment.

“At least there were other kids there, you weren’t alone,” She offered as she clasped her hands in front of her and lifted them over her head stretching her torso. Kaidan heard the joints in her shoulders pop as he forced his eyes away from stretch of taut abdomen exposed as her shirt rode up.

“There was that. We were all in the same position, pulled from our families and stuck together on the fringes of space. There was a group of us who would get together every night before lights out, you know play cards or network games,” Kaidan admitted and Shepard made a face at him. “What?”

“You were all teenagers at the time, right?” She asked and he nodded. “You expect me to believe you played cards and network games every night? Come on, I’m sure you found more exciting ways to pass the time.” Her tone as accusatory, and lightly teasing, yet Kaidan couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped him.

“No, well, not me anyway. I’m not the sort of guy who does that kind of thing lightly, Shepard,” He confessed and she raised a skeptical brow at him. “There was one girl I spent a lot of time with…”

“Uh huh, I knew it,” She teased. 

He continued, through a smile, “…but we kept our clothes on. She was from Turkey, and her family came from money. They were so embarrassed by her biotics, they couldn’t wait to ship her off when she’d manifested. She was smart, though, and charming as hell. She was beautiful, but not stuck up about it. A lot like you, actually,” He said and couldn’t help but notice her blush, though she tried to hide it as she drank from her water. 

“Sounds like she meant a lot to you,” She offered, letting his flirtatious comment go without response.

“She did, once upon a time,” Kaidan admitted. “Maybe she felt the same, but… you know life happens,” He said, desperate to change the subject.

“Sounds like there’s a story there, Alenko,” She pried gently, and he could feel her eyes searching his face. For the first time since he was 17, he thought he might want to talk about it. He just, wasn’t ready. It was an event that fundamentally changed him, and he didn’t want to admit what had happened when he’d lost control.

“There is,” He admitted, “and it’s the reason I tend to work defensively,” He allowed himself a teasing grin before he continued, “Unfortunately, it’s classified.” 

His grin spread wide when she threw her head back and laughed her rich, throaty laugh, “I outrank you, Lieutenant, you know I can find out,” She reminded him after a moment.

“Not this you can’t,” He challenged, and her arched eyebrow told him the challenge had been accepted.

“I’m just going to say this on the topic then, as your CO,” She said, and his felt a pang of regret at the reminder of rank, “I am surprised you haven’t advanced further. You have the commendations, test scores and experience to back up a promotion. I think your aversion to the offensive is holding you back. I’ve been serving with you for less than a week, and I’m already impressed, between the Krogan at Chora’s Den and that stasis you had me in a moment ago. That wasn’t even full strength for you, was it?” She asked him, and he confirmed her suspicion. “It was remarkable and if you would allow yourself to stand out the way I think you can, you could be fast tracked to a command of your own.”

He felt like he was glowing at her praise, “Thank you, Shepard. I will consider your advice. This is certainly shaping up to be an unparalleled mission.”

“Fuck yeah it is, we’re going to need every edge we can get,” She agreed as she stood, his eyes moved with her. “Thanks for the spar, maybe I won’t replace the bag.” She was grinning and he chuckled.

“Thanks for listening to me whine about my childhood,” He laughed, a little disappointed she was heading back to work.

“I asked,” She reminded him. “I wanted to get to know you better, that’s all.” Her words stunned him for a second, “I mean it, though, thanks for this,” She said as she took two backwards steps towards the elevator. 

His brow creased, “Do you, uh, make it a habit of getting this personal with your crew?” She’d stopped walking when he’d started speaking. When he’d finished his question, her lip was pinched between her teeth. She didn’t answer immediately, just kept her eyes on him. She took a breath, and paused before letting it slip out. She didn’t answer his question, just turned on her heel and went to the elevator. She kept her back to him as she waited for the doors to open. His eyes remained on her the whole time. She entered the elevator, and turned to push the button.

Her only response was a question Kaidan had no idea of the answer to, given just as the door to the elevator closed, “What do you think?” 

Well, that’s a thought that’s going to fester.


	10. Chapter 10

“I thought Palaven was hot,” Garrus mumbled over the helmet comms as they followed Shepard towards the dig site on Therum. The planet’s sun was bearing down on them and their dark armor only made it worse.

“At least it’s a dry heat,” Kaidan responded with a light chuckle. He could feel the sweat beading on his back and forehead inside his suit. Therum was roughly 140º Fahrenheit with no foliage just large rock formations scattered over the relatively flat landscape. Unfortunately, because of the obstructions, they had to abandon the Mako and head the rest of the way on foot. 

“Use your suits to stay hydrated and let’s make this quick. I want off this fuckin rock,” Shepard answered before signaling them to stop and dropping to cover. There were geth ahead who had yet to see them coming. With a mix of Garrus’s sniper rifle, Kaidan’s tech and Shepard’s biotics they took out the grouping quickly and were able to move forward.

The geth dropship had passed overhead mere moments before while they were still in the Mako putting them on high alert. They didn’t know just how many more had been dropped. Apparently, they weren’t the only ones looking for Dr. T’Soni. They rounded the corner and spotted the entrance to the dig. There was a rumbling like thunder over head. Above them, the geth ship passed again dropping rocket troopers and snipers, along with a larger machine they hadn’t come across before.

“What the fuck is that?” Shepard shouted as the dove behind crates as the larger machine unfolded and stood on four legs. Kaidan was on the opposite side of the path from Shepard and Garrus. He stayed in cover and looked over to Shepard. The missiles the geth shot barely missed and exploded as they hit the ground behind them. Kaidan watched as Shepard leaned out to survey the opposition. “Garrus! Get up high!” She shouted and pointed to the top of some scaffolding nearby, the vantage point would make it easy for him to pick off targets with his sniper rifle. Garrus gave a nod and moved to climb the scaffolding. 

The large machine was powering up as Kaidan leaned out with his pistol and took out a rocket trooper with a few shots in quick succession. It dropped just as the four-legged machine released a pulse of blue energy. It missed but Kaidan’s suit alerted him that his shields had been depleted. “Watch that pulse! Just killed my shields!” He gave the warning over the comm as he waited for his shields to power up again. They could hear the crack of Garrus’s sniper rifle, and the clashing of the collapsing geth. 

“Just that big guy left,” Garrus’s voice announced over the helmet comms. Kaidan and Shepard looked to each other as another shot of energy hit the crate Shepard was behind. 

“Alenko, can you Lift it?” Shepard challenged him, and his jaw clenched. “If you Lift it, Garrus and I can hit it while it’s immobile,” She explained and he hesitated for just a second. 

“Aye, aye, Commander. On your order,” He confirmed his obedience. They waited while the geth powered up again. Garrus gave the word when he had his shot lined up. Just as soon as Kaidan and Shepard’s shields failed, she gave the order for them to move. With a quick hand gesture, Kaidan enveloped the geth with his cerulean biotic energy and it lifted as he felt the nodes respond to him. His entire body thrummed with the energy. It was exhilarating. Garrus and Shepard opened fire, and rendered the machine useless within moments. When Kaidan released the lift, it fell with a satisfying thud. 

They stayed at the ready and moved towards it. Kaidan dropped to a squat and pulled up his omni’tool running a scan to gather as much information on this type of machine as he could while they waited for Garrus to climb down. “These things are enough to make my fuckin skin crawl. Let’s find this doctor A-SAP and get the hell out of here,” Shepard ordered as Garrus reached them. They made their way up the ramp to descend into the dig. 

The ruins were littered with geth as they delved deeper into the planet. They reached an elevator that appeared operational and entered cautiously. Shepard activated it and it descended. “This is first Prothean ruin I’ve ever visited,” Garrus commented casually, “Well, aside from the Citadel that is.” Shepard snorted as the elevator stopped and the door opened. A bullet struck the wall just in front of her and she cursed and dropped to cover while they took out a few more geth. 

“Goddamn it,” Shepard muttered as she led them down further. “Why does there always have to be so many?” They entered another elevator, this one looked more decrepit than the last. The elevator descended, but as it reached the bottom it started to spark and Shepard kicked open the door and the trio jumped down the rest of the way, allowing the elevator to continue without them to avoid a collapse. 

“Hello?” They heard a gentle voice call out, “Is someone there? I need help!” They followed the voice to find the Asari doctor enclosed in a blue energy field. She was being held off the ground and was quite helpless. Shepard sighed as she stepped forward, Garrus and Kaidan kept watch for more geth while the Commander and the Asari spoke. Dr. T’Soni explained that while exploring the ruins she had encountered the geth, so she activated the towers defenses to keep the geth out effectively trapping herself in the Prothean barrier. 

“Alright, we’ll get you out of there just...” Shepard started. Kaidan watched as her eyes moved over the Asari as she was suspended in air, she smirked, “Stay put.” Dr. T’Soni let out an inelegant splutter as they moved to find a way around the barrier. 

The Doctor had already told them the controls were on the other side, with her. Kaidan moved a little further into the room. He found a large laser and called out to Shepard over the comm. “There’s a mining laser,” Kaidan suggested, and Shepard turned towards him. She moved to stand next to him as he spoke, “I bet I could hack the controls and we could get around it that way.” Shepard looked at him, then at the laser and back over where Dr. T’Soni was as she assessed the risk.

“Do it,” She said before cursing as a bullet bounced off her shields. She turned around and took out the geth with a biotic throw. She and Garrus kept Kaidan under cover while he hacked into the controls and set off the laser. “Nice work, Alenko.” She offered as they turned to head over to retrieve the Doctor. Once they released her, she warned them that there was a Krogan with the geth trying to get to her. The whole complex trembled. “Well, let’s get out of here,” She said and they activated the elevator to lift them out of the ruins. She reached out to Joker over the comm, ordering him to bring the Normandy around. When the reached the top they were stopped by the Krogan who demanded they turn over the Asari. The whole complex shuddered again as they drew their weapons.

“The laser must have weakened the structure,” Garrus stated, anxiety tinting his voice.

“I don’t have time for this,” She muttered. Kaidan could feel her gathering her biotic energy and he did the same. They released at the same time and Dr. T’Soni dropped and hid behind some nearby crates. Kaidan knocked back the Krogan with a throw while Shepard hit the nearby geth with a lift and Garrus turned his rifle on the geth to the opposite side of them. The whole confrontation took less than three minutes, but the building support was failing. Shepard shouted an order to evacuate. Kaidan went over to Dr. T’Soni who was still crouched behind the crates. He placed his hand on her shoulder and she looked up at him as the floor shook again. 

“Let’s go!” He shouted and she stood slowly. He ushered her towards the exit, maybe a little rougher than he needed to be. He couldn’t understand why she was moving so slow as the walls crumbled around them. They passed Shepard who was waiting to make sure they all made it out. They just cleared the exit when it collapsed behind them. Thankfully, Joker was there with the Normandy waiting and the airlock open. They made the jump easily and as soon as the door sealed the decontamination cycle started. Dr. T’Soni offered her thanks.

“Listen, your mother is working with Saren, a rogue Spectre, I need to know if I can trust you. I need to know whose side you are on.” Shepard asked after removing her helmet.

“I am not on anyone’s side! I have not spoken to Benezia in years. I may be her daughter but I am nothing like her,” She promised. Shepard stared at Liara and Kaidan could sense the tension building. The decontamination cycle ended and Shepard sighed, looking over to Kaidan. 

“Alright, everyone. Get cleaned up and meet in the comm room. You’ve got fifteen minutes,” She ordered and thundered out of the airlock. 

Kaidan looked to the doctor. “Right this way, Dr. T’Soni. I’ll show you where you can wait,” Kaidan offered and she gave him a timid smile. “Garrus, would you mind asking Joker to get on the comm and ask Williams, Wrex and Tali to join us for the debriefing?” Kaidan was under the impression Shepard would want the Alliance officers and the crew she picked up as a Spectre to be kept informed. Garrus agreed and they left the airlock. 

“I appreciate your assistance…” Dr. T’Soni paused, “I’m sorry I didn’t catch your name.” Kaidan introduced himself. “Lt. Alenko, thank you for your kindness.” 

“It’s not a problem, Doctor. Wait here, we’ll be back shortly,” He said after depositing the Asari in the comm room and heading down to the cargo bay to clean up and change out of his armor. 

It was fifteen minutes later when they were gathered in the comm room. All were seated, except Shepard who was standing near the communication controls. She looked to each individual in the room, her eyes finally landing on the Asari. “Commander?” Dr. T’Soni spoke softly. “None of this makes sense to me. Why would the geth be after me? Why do you believe Benezia is involved?” She asked, her eyes pleading for Shepard to put her at ease. Shepard let out a breath and asked Tali to play the recording she had for Dr. T’Soni. “That… that is certainly Benezia,” She confirmed. “But I am sorry I do not know what the Conduit is.”

“Too close Commander!” Joker’s annoyed, disembodied voice interrupted them. “Ten more seconds and we would have been swimming in molten sulfur! The Normandy isn’t equipped to land in exploding volcanoes! They tend to fry our sensors and melt our hull! Just, you know, for future reference.” Shepard gave no response.

“We almost died out there and your pilot is making jokes?” Dr. T’Soni questioned her allowance of Joker’s tone.

“Joker pulled our asses out of there. I think he’s earned the right to a few bad jokes,” She cocked an eyebrow at the alien and explained herself unnecessarily.

“I see,” T’Soni responded, “I am sorry, I do not have a lot of experience working with humans. I do appreciate what you did for me, however. You saved my life back there. Not just from the explosion, either. Those geth would have killed me or surrendered me to Saren.”

“Doctor, you really know nothing about the Conduit?” Kaidan spoke up, anxious to see if picking her up and risking their lives had really been worth it. Shepard looked to him as he spoke, seemingly thankful for his steering of the conversation.

“Please, call me Liara. All I know about the Conduit is that it is somehow connected to the extinction of the Protheans. That is my true area of expertise. I have spent the last fifty years searching for clues as to their true fate. There is surprisingly little left,” Liara spoke, shifting uncomfortably in her seat. 

“Fifty years?” Shepard asked, her tone disbelieving, “Just how old are you?”

“I am embarrassed to admit, I am only 106,” Liara responded, a deep purple blush accentuating her high cheekbones. 

“Damn!” Ashley reacted, “I hope I look that good when I’m your age.” Shepard was unamused as she looked back to Liara who continued. 

“Unfortunately, I am considered barely more than a child among the Asari. I fear this is why my research has not received the attention it deserves. Elder scholars tend to dismiss my theories regarding the Protheans,” Kaidan thought she seemed genuine in her distaste towards the ageist discrimination she suffered. 

“Lucky for us, I have my own theory on what happened to the Protheans,” Shepard stated simply, locking eyes momentarily with Kaidan while Liara spoke up again.

“All due respect, Commander, I have heard every theory out there. As I said there was very little left. It was almost as if someone came through afterwards and cleaned up after them, in order to keep the mystery from being solved. Here is the remarkable part: according to my findings, the Protheans were not the first to mysteriously vanish. This cycle began long before them,” Liara declared and with the declaration an uneasy feeling settled in Kaidan’s core. He shifted in his seat, his eyes moving to each person in the room already privy to Shepard’s theory on the Reapers. They all seemed to share in his general unease. 

“Sorry, Doc, I thought you said there was no evidence?” Ashley spoke up, and then looked to Shepard who didn’t seem annoyed that she had spoken out of turn. Kaidan was surprised at her laidback running of the debrief. This seemed more like a conversation among peers than superiors and subordinates. He appreciated the freedom she was allowing them.

“I have spent the last half century scouring the galaxy for every shred of information. Subtle patterns emerge, patterns that hint at the truth. There is no one piece of evidence that proves my claim. I have been submerged in this information for fifty years. It is a feeling I get, it is something I know to be true though I fail to be able to explain how I came to this conclusion to anyone else,” Liara spoke sounding frustrated. Kaidan wasn’t surprised her research wasn’t taken seriously. Thankfully, Liara’s theory fit into Shepard’s vision from the beacon. The Reapers could have been around long before the Protheans. There was, apparently, no way to know for certain. Liara continued, “Hopefully, someday I will be able to prove it. There were other species before the Protheans. The galaxy is built on a cycle of extinction. Each civilization rising up on the foundation of the ones that came before. Whenever a species rises up, it is suddenly and violently cast down leaving behind only ruins. Their technology that we use today, the mass relays and the Citadel, are based on the technology of those that came before them. Then, like all the other forgotten civilizations throughout galactic history, they disappeared. I will not rest until I figure out why,” Liara declared, the conviction in her voice was palpable.

“Take a rest, Liara,” Shepard said, her tone dripping with irony. 

“What do you mean?” Liara asked, her eyes and the inflection in her voice betraying her confusion.

“The Protheans, and if you are right every species before them, were wiped out by a race of sentient machines: The Reapers,” Shepard spoke, the confidence firm and undeniable in her voice. 

“The … Reapers? I have never heard – how do you know this?” Liara demanded. Kaidan felt a rush of sympathy for the Asari. She may be older than all the humans in the room combined but she still seemed so naïve. Her naivety most likely a result of her work forcing her to be alone most of the time, still she seemed so young, almost childlike. “What evidence do you have?” 

“There was a damaged Prothean beacon on Eden Prime. It burned a vision into my brain,” She dropped her eyes to the floor and her hands went to her forehead. Her voice was low when she continued, “I am still trying to sort out what it all means.” 

“Then I can see why the geth would have attacked Eden Prime. The chance to obtain a working Prothean beacon, even a badly damaged one, would be worth any price. The beacons worked by broadcasting information directly into the mind of the user, but they were only programmed to interact with Prothean physiology. Any information you received would have been confused, unclear,” She paused, and her voice was softer and wonder seemed to color her words when she continued, couple that with the way her eyes were following the Commander as she paced the front of the room, and Kaidan felt a sudden rush of annoyed anger, “I am amazed you were able to make sense of it at all. A lesser mind would have been utterly destroyed by the process,” Kaidan noticed Shepard’s eyes flicker to him before falling back to the floor, he sighed as Liara continued, “You must be remarkably strong-willed Commander,” Liara finished without removing her gaze from Shepard. 

Kaidan’s guilt and his eagerness to remind Liara there were more people in the room caused him to speak up, “This isn’t helping us find Saren, or the Conduit.” He had felt the need to get the conversation back on the topic at hand instead of how amazing the Commander was. He ignored the smirk on Ashley’s face, and kept his eyes away from Shepard though he could feel her looking at him. 

“You are right, I am sorry. My scientific curiosity got the better of me. Unfortunately, I do not have any information that may help you find the Conduit or Saren,” Liara declined, her tone defeated.  
The room was silent for a moment as they let that declaration sink in and Shepard processed it with the rest of the events of the day, “Well, I don’t know what Saren wanted with you but it’s making me think we may be better off bringing you along.”

“Thank you, Commander. I fear Saren may come after me again, and I cannot think of any place safer than here on your ship. Plus, my knowledge of the Protheans may be useful later in your investigation,” Liara stood and moved to stand in front of Shepard. Kaidan cleared his throat and sat slightly straighter in his seat. Shepard welcomed Liara to the team, and Liara thanked her before swaying slightly on her feet. “Whoa, my apologies. I am feeling a bit lightheaded.”

Ever the medic, Kaidan spoke up, “When was the last time you ate? Or slept? Dr. Chakwas should take a look at you,” He declared and Shepard nodded in agreement. 

“It is probably mental exhaustion,” Liara insisted, “Though I suppose it would not hurt to be examined by a medical professional.” Shepard nodded and dismissed them. Kaidan stood and took Liara’s arm gently to lead her down to the med bay. “Thank you again, Lieutenant.” Liara offered him as he helped her down the stairs. He promised it was not a problem. “Commander Shepard is quite surprising for a human female,” Liara declared.

“What do you mean?” He asked as they reached the bottom of the stairs. Liara paused in her steps for a moment and Kaidan turned to look at her.

“Well, she appears so delicate but she is quite formidable in battle. She speaks to her subordinates as if they are equals and not beneath her. She allows them to offer insight into her command. I may not have a lot of experience with humans, but I know no Asari Commander who would allow such a relaxed atmosphere when speaking with their crew. Also, she is quite attractive. At least, I think so, I am not sure if she is considered attractive by human standards,” Liara spoke gently as they continued towards the med bay. Kaidan’s jaw was clenched tight.

Kaidan didn’t respond as, thankfully, they had reached the med bay. “Dr. Chakwas, meet Liara T’Soni,” He introduced Liara to the Doctor. “She will be joining us for the duration.”

“Thank you, Lieutenant. I’ll run a full work up,” Dr. Chakwas promised ushering Liara into the room and to one of the cots as Kaidan turned on a heel and left the med bay. He went to his station to write up his report and to download the information on the new geth they had encountered. Hopefully, there would be information available in the Alliance database. If not, he figured he could take it to Tali. She might have information not previously available to the Alliance. 

Shepard rounded the corner from the level above and for a moment, Kaidan hoped she would stop over to speak with him about the events of the day. He bit back the disappointment as she went straight to her  
quarters, the door sighing closed behind her. It was just as well. He had plenty of work to do to keep himself occupied for the rest of his shift. 

It had been a long day, and surprisingly enough, it wasn’t over yet. He grabbed some energy bars from beneath his station and bit into one. It would have to be enough to hold off his biotic appetite until chow, at least it wasn’t that far off.


	11. Chapter 11

Kaidan was disappointed when he made it to the mess after his shift. The room was busy, and noisy. He had been hoping for a quick, quiet meal as the tension of the mission was slowly creeping up his shoulders and seemed eager to find a home behind his eyes. He would not be so lucky today. After getting the meal his rations allowed, Ashley called him over so he joined her and Joker. As he started his meal, the table slowly filled with Alliance crew and aliens alike. Liara came out of the med bay and filled her own tray. She stopped a few paces away from the table, seeming unsure where to sit. Kaidan noticed, and called her over to the empty seat next to him. She offered him a grateful smile and took the seat. 

“You’re looking much better,” He complimented her between bites.

“I am feeling better, thank you. I must also admit I am quite impressed with Dr. Chakwas’s knowledge of Asari physiology,” Liara offered, her tone still gentle and timid. 

“Dr. Chakwas is the best, rest assured you’ll be in good hands with her on board,” Kaidan complimented the doctor as his eyes trailed after Shepard who had chosen this moment to leave her quarters for her own meal.

“Hey Skipper!” Ashley called out, and Kaidan watched as Shepard froze and turned slowly. “Get over here, there’s room for one more!” She offered and Shepard walked over. She gave them a smile before setting her tray down on the table and pulling a chair over from against the wall. “No reason you should have to hide in your fancy quarters all the time.”

“I wasn’t hiding, I was working,” Shepard defended herself and then insisted she was just another soldier as she started her meal. 

“Sorry, Shepard, that changed the moment you became a Spectre,” Joker shook his head, and Kaidan noticed the minute fall of her shoulders and her eyes lifted to his, though she maintained a courteous smile. “That reminds me! I prefer gold to silver.”

“For?” Shepard asked as she sipped her beverage and looked to Joker.

“My medal. You know, for pulling your asses out of the fire, literally,” Joker explained, his tone held a mock exasperation.

“Why? So you can sit on a stage and listen to politicians give speeches for a couple hours?” Shepard asked, with a playful glow in her eyes. “I mean, if that’s really what you want I’ll write up the commendation…” 

“Though, you’d have to shave,” Kaidan reminded him, and Shepard sent a grin his way.

“On second thought, I’ll pass. It took me seven weeks to perfect this baby,” He said as he stroked his beard. Shepard and Kaidan shared an amused glance. Kaidan’s eyes moved to Ashley and she shook her head at him with a smirk. His eyes flicked back to Shepard and he found her looking at him. As soon as their eyes met, her eyebrow arched slightly but she kept her eyes on his. Kaidan felt the urge to look away, but didn’t and the longer she held his gaze, the less he wanted to. The teasing glint in her eyes was enticing. It became almost a battle of wills.

“Shepard, I never truly thanked you for saving me from the geth,” Liara spoke and, much to Kaidan’s frustration, Shepard’s eyes turned to her. Liara’s cheeks tinted purple in a blush at the sudden attention. 

Shepard stared at her, her gaze intense and unyielding. It was as if she were still making her mind up about the Asari. This surprised Kaidan, she had seemed to take to Garrus, Tali and even Wrex fairly quickly, he wondered what it was about Liara that concerned her, “I’m glad we got there in time.” 

“Also, I wanted to thank you for bringing me along. I know you have taken a risk. I want to take this moment to promise you and your crew that I am not like Benezia. I know you do not trust me, yet, but I will do whatever I can to help you stop her,” The table was quiet while she spoke, the Asari’s eyes were down, and they didn’t lift until she has stopped speaking. Kaidan had shifted in his chair so he could see her. He had the sense she was being honest, and that she truly had no idea what Benezia had been up to. Kaidan turned to watch Shepard who still hadn’t responded.

There was no doubt in anyone’s mind that the Commander was appraising the Asari, she was not one to hide it. Her eyes held Liara’s for a long, silent moment before she spoke, “I appreciate you saying that. Though, promises are easy to make and hard to keep.” 

Liara’s eyes moved over the whole table this time, making eye contact with each person, “I understand your suspicions and cannot begrudge you them, know that in time I will earn your trust.” Kaidan noticed a small smile tug at the corner of Shepard’s mouth as she watched Liara. 

“Why don’t you tell us about yourself, Liara? That seems like a good place to start,” Shepard suggested. Liara shifted in her seat, clearly uncomfortable with being the center of attention. 

“There is not much exciting about me. I am an archaeologist so I spend most of my time alone with my work,” She said as others at the table returned to their meals, while listening to her speak. “I have always been fascinated by the Protheans and started studying them as soon as I was on my own. I feel as though more was expected of me, being a Matriarch’s daughter, most believed I would follow in Benezia’s footsteps and play a more important role in galactic society. Sometimes, I wonder if I became an archaeologist simply to spite her,” Liara’s tone took on a distant, almost sad quality as she spoke of her mother.

“All children rebel against their parents in some way. It is part of growing up,” Shepard intoned as she finished her meal. Liara laughed softly, it was a pleasing sound.

“So, Shepard,” Joker started, before swallowing a mouthful of food, then he continued, “how did you rebel against Mom and Dad?” Kaidan could have kicked him, but Shepard laughed and raised an eyebrow.

“I learned to shoot,” She answered, and it was her turn to sound distant. “Mom and Dad were not fans of guns, but I insisted that someone should learn to handle a weapon, just in case. Michael, my little brother, was so jealous.” Kaidan watched the grin spread across her face as she spoke of her family. “Of course, looking back on it now, I think my parents were more upset over my choice of tutor,” She added, as if to stop herself from being bogged down by sad memories and pushed some food around her plate with her fork. Ashley asked who she chose. “He was the son of the farmer down the road. He was a bit older than me.”

“A bit older?” Ashley asked, a doubtful smirk playing on her full lips.

Shepard chuckled warmly, “Okay, he was four years older than me, which doesn’t seem like a lot but I was 15 and he had already enlisted. He was home on leave,” She paused for a heartbeat. “I guess my parents were right in the end. It didn’t end up doing much good,” The table was silent at the unintended reminder of her family’s fate. Kaidan shot a look at Joker, who had the decency to look abashed, as he shrugged. Thankfully, Liara took the silence as an opening and continued speaking, oblivious to the tension.

“You, Shepard,” Liara started and Shepard looked up at the asari, “share the wisdom of the Matriarchs,” She was smiling, and Shepard cocked an eyebrow at her, “That is exactly what Benezia said when I told her of my decision. There was more to it than that, though. As I said, I have always felt drawn to the Protheans, these wondrous, mysterious creatures. I wanted to know everything about them. It is why I find you so … fascinating,” Liara’s eyes were full of wonder as she gazed at Shepard while she spoke. An awkward silence fell like a cloud on the group.

“I’m fascinating?” Shepard asked, her face twisted in an uncomfortable grimace and Kaidan heard Ashley sniggering to the other side of him.

“You were marked by the beacon on Eden Prime. You were touched by actual working, Prothean technology,” Liara gushed, her meal forgotten. Kaidan couldn’t help but be reminded of his own words when face to face with the beacon. 

“You sound like you want to dissect her in a lab,” Kaidan commented and, much to Liara’s discomfort, Shepard grinned and the table let out a laugh.

“What? No! I did not mean to insinuate. I meant no offense, Shepard!” Liara was stammering, trying to backpedal from her statement. “I only mean that you would be an interesting specimen for an in-depth study,” She paused and shook her head, “No, that is even worse…”

“Relax, Liara, Alenko was only joking,” Shepard offered her through a chuckle while making quick eye contact with Kaidan.

“Joking…” Liara said, sitting back in her chair. “Now you know why I prefer to spend my time alone in ruins. I always seem to say something embarrassing when I am with other people. Goddess, you must think I am an utter fool. Please, let us pretend this conversation never happened.” Liara sat forward and resumed her meal. Most of the table had finished but the relaxed, family like atmosphere of the group made it difficult to walk away from. 

“Liara,” Garrus started and she looked at him, “Do you have any idea why Benezia would have joined up with Saren?” Her eyes dropped again, shame seemed to seep from her at the reminder of her mother’s actions.

She was quiet for a moment, while the table looked at her. When she looked up, it wasn’t at Garrus, it was at Shepard. “I do not understand it. Benezia was always outspoken about the need for the Asari to play a greater role in the shaping of galactic events. It is possible she believed allying herself with Saren would be for the greater good in the long run,” She stopped then, and looked down to her meal where she toyed with her food with her fork instead of eating it.

“We’ll figure it out,” Shepard promised, with a sigh as she leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms over her chest. Kaidan failed in not watching Shepard as the conversation continued around her. Her attention was clearly elsewhere, but she still laughed when it was called or offered a comment when she had one. She even admonished Wrex for not mentioning he had known Saren before joining the crew. He had been hired by him, albeit not directly, to raid some merchant ships. Wrex’s voice rumbled when he spoke of leaving his employ just in time, every other merc who had been hired by Saren had been killed. To this day he wasn’t sure what they had been looking for. Still, Shepard seemed only half involved in their conversation, and Kaidan wondered where the rest of her was. 

“Tali? You alright? You seem down,” Garrus asked her, bringing everyone’s attention to the young Quarian, including Shepard who now seemed fully vested. Kaidan was ashamed to admit he didn’t even know Tali had joined them at the table, she had been so quiet. She had kept to herself since they left the Citadel, choosing to spend her time in Engineering with the Chief Engineer. 

She sighed, “I’m fine, just adjusting. You know, trying to find my place,” Her admission was timid, and Kaidan imagined she’d be blushing if they could see her face. Shepard’s concern was plain on her features. 

“Adams adores you,” Shepard offered her, “I think he’d throw the rest of the engineers out the airlock, whether we were docked or not, if it meant keeping you with him,” Kaidan knew she was saying it to be kind, but he believed her and knew Tali would too. 

“Engineer Adams has been fantastic and this ship is a marvel. I understand now why humans have advanced so quickly,” Tali complimented, her voice rising with excitement as she spoke of the ship.

“Well, this ship is a prototype. She’s one of a kind,” Joker added, his voice teeming with pride. 

“Regardless, I’ve never been on a ship like this before. The drive core alone is astonishing,” It was clear Tali had a thing for ships. Granted, her whole life had been spent on a ship so it’s understandable she’d have an expansive knowledge and appreciation. “It’s just too quiet. It’s been difficult to sleep,” Tali confessed, sounding ashamed. 

“You can’t sleep because it’s too quiet?” Garrus asked, his mandibles flaring in what Kaidan supposed was a Turian version of a smirk.

“Right, well, on the flotilla, silence is bad. It usually means an engine has died or an air filter shut down,” Tali explained, and Kaidan had to admit there was something pleasant about the soft trill of her voice. “Plus, the Normandy feels empty all the time, like there’s not enough people. Before I left, I couldn’t wait to get away from the crowds, our ships are always teeming with people. Now, I – I kind of miss it,” Tali explained, and Shepard offered her a compassionate smile.

“You’re homesick,” Shepard offered an explanation. Tali’s head tilted at the commander, “I mean, you don’t always appreciate the things you have until you don’t have them anymore. Maybe that’s part of the lessons learned with your Pilgrimage.”

“I am gaining a new perspective on things. There are pilgrims who leave, and never return. I always assumed something bad had happened to them. I could never understood why some would not return. Maybe they decided they wanted a different life,” She said, sounding almost sad.

“Will you be going back?” Garrus asked her, and Tali looked over to him again. 

“Of course,” She said, her voice sounding more sure on this than it had anything else. “I could never imagine turning my back on my people.” Kaidan was intrigued when Shepard opened her omni’tool and started rooting around in her files. 

“I think I have some audio…” Shepard spoke and the attention moved to her, “Ah, there it is,” She played it for the table. It was ambient noise, the noises you’d hear on an older ship or a space station. Tali gasped and Shepard’s face lit up beautifully at the young woman’s excitement. “I could send them to you-…”

“Oh, yes! Please do!” Tali asked as she opened her own ‘tool and both women turned their attention to their wrists. “This is fantastic! Thank you, Shepard!”

Shepard was grinning when Joker asked what she could possibly have needed those audio files for. “After Mindoir, when I first moved to Arcturus, it was hard for me to get used to the noises. Colonies have their own sounds. A friend gave them to me to help me get acquainted.” They were interrupted by XO Pressly’s disembodied voice, letting Shepard know Anderson was available for her in the comm room. “Speak of the devil,” She mumbled before speaking to the table, “On that note, I’m going to take my leave,” Shepard stood and wished them a pleasant evening before heading to the stairs. 

Kaidan turned and found Liara watching Shepard’s retreating form, and swallowed the bitter heat in his throat before turning his attention to a smirking Ashley and Joker. Liara excused herself and made her way back to the med-bay. She had taken up residence in the back stock room after telling Shepard all she would need is an extranet terminal. Once Liara was out of earshot, and Joker had made his way to the stairs, Ashley spoke as she started clearing the table, “Careful, LT, that pretty blue devil’s gonna give you a run for your money.”

Kaidan said nothing, until Tali stood and started assisting Ashley, “No, Tali, Ashley is responsible for meal clean up this week,” Kaidan informed her and Tali stopped and set the dishes back down. Ashley squinted at him and he maintained eye contact with a smug smirk. “It is part of her penance for back talking her Commanding Officer on the Citadel.” 

“Cute, L.T. Adorable, really,” Ashley responded dryly. Tali bid them a good evening before walking away, knowing she had missed out on something, and not sure she wanted to know what it was. Kaidan shook his head and lifted a couple of the plates from his side of the table and took them to the kitchen area for cleaning. Ashley met him there, “I’m not trying to start trouble, I’m just trying to help.”

“There is nothing to ‘help’ with,” He argued as he turned and leaned against the sink as she stood next to him for a moment before going back to the table for more dishes. She smiled at the mess sargeant as she finished clearing the table. Kaidan and she made their way towards his station. Once they were out of earshot, he spoke again. There was no use in arguing with her, she had already picked up on the fact that he was attracted to Shepard. He let out a deep sigh as he moved to stand in front of his station and logged on. She rested against it, facing him as he spoke again, “She’s my CO, even if she were interested, there are rules. It can’t go anywhere.” 

“I’m not saying you should throw yourself at her, but I learned the hard way that you never know what’s going to happen tomorrow,” She said, her voice trembling slightly, and she dropped her eyes and crossed her arms over her midsection. Her voice was soft when she continued, “She won’t always be your CO. There won’t always be regs in the way. Don’t count yourself out of the race before it’s even started,” She lifted her eyes to him, and he had to admit her words made sense. She smirked, any traces of sadness or regret had slid away. She knew he had heard her and taken her message to heart. She bumped him with her hip, “Now, I believe I have some vid-mails to answer.”

He laughed softly and she gave him a sincere smile as she left him to his work. His shift was over, but he had started some search programs before dinner to check for information on the different types of geth they had encountered. Unfortunately, they had not returned any results. He decided he would check in with Tali, their resident geth expert, to see if she could offer any insight.

He was pleased to notice the migraine that had been building had dissipated on its own. He attributed it to the relaxed, easy company he’d been in for the last hour that had eased the tension and killed the headache before it could reach its full potential. Anytime he could beat a migraine without meds was a win in his book. He was so involved with his program, he didn’t know anyone was standing with him at his station until he felt a cool hand on his arm. He jumped a little and turned to find a warm, amused smile on his COs face. He laughed at himself, “Sorry, I didn’t realize you were there.” He turned to face her fully, and she apologized for startling him. “Was there something I could do for you Commander? Ah- Shepard,” He corrected himself with a chuckle, and was pleased when she grinned at him.

“Just wanted to pick your brain for a minute, if you’re not busy,” She said gesturing towards his terminal. 

“Not at all,” he said and motioned to the seats at the wall behind his console. “Just seeing what kind of information I can get my hands on regarding the geth we’ve seen.”

“Any luck?” She asked as they sat.

“None. I think I might seek out Tali, and see if she can offer any insight. She has to know more than the little I’m finding,” He answered, his disappointment at the lack of information was plain in his tone.

“I think she would like that, a chance to contribute outside of Engineering,” Shepard agreed, and Kaidan nodded. “Any edge we can get, even a small one, could make a big difference later,” She looked up at him and then chuckled at herself, “But I don’t have to tell you that.” She looked away from him then, and was silent for a minute. 

“Did you need something, Shepard?” He asked her and she looked up at him. 

“Yeah, sorry, wanted to check in and get your opinion on our new crew member. I feel like most of the crew is still wary of her,” Shepard admitted, turning in the chair and tucking a leg up under her. 

“Liara?” He asked and she nodded. “She seems nice enough, I guess, if you like the bookish sort,” He commented, attempting to gauge her interest in the Asari.

She cocked an eyebrow at him, “Any intentions there, Lieutenant? I know how much you appreciated the uh, ‘view’ at Chora’s Den.” She replied, sardonically. Her question, and her tone, surprised him. 

“Uh, no, Shepard. No intentions. Chora’s Den… that was just art appreciation. I prefer more … adventurous women,” He answered, and their eye contact deepened for a second until she nodded and looked away. “I do think she’s genuine when she says she doesn’t know what her mother has been up to,” He admitted and watched the relief fall over her face. 

“Me too,” She confessed, her breathy tone was like a release of pent up concern. “For a moment, I thought she might have been pulling the wool over my eyes. I feel a little better knowing you’re seeing what I am. At least, if she’s fooling me I’m not alone,” A smirk tugged at her lips.

“She seems so young, almost naïve, it’s hard to remember sometimes that she’s older than both of us combined,” He remarked as she lifted a hand and toyed with a loose piece of hair, twirling it around her fingers. “I guess, though, considering our life spans, we have to do a lot more living in a shorter amount of time.” 

“That’s an interesting way of looking at it, I hadn’t considered it like that. She’s over one hundred years old and hasn’t even considered children. I’m almost 30 and on a colony I’d be expected to have at least three by now,” She admitted distantly, as she tucked the stray hair back into her bun.

“With your shooting tutor?” Kaidan asked with a smirk. When she laughed, it sent a rush of pleasure to his core.

“No, he … the raid,” She said shaking her head, amazingly still grinning. Silence fell on them then but, surprisingly, it wasn’t uncomfortable. “Convenient, though, that she’s an expert in the Protheans,” Shepard commented, then as if she was still working through the pieces of the puzzle, she added before Kaidan could, “However, I’m sure that’s why the Saren sent the geth after her.” 

Kaidan nodded and noticed the stray hair had fallen out of the bun again, his fingers itched to reach up and push it back. If she weren’t his CO, he would have done it already, “Maybe she’ll be able to help you with the visions from the beacon,” He said, hating the guilt that built up immediately as she winced.

“I’ll tell you one thing, after talking to her, I’m definitely glad I was able to get you out of the way in time,” She commented absently as she reached up and pulled the pins out of her hair, letting it fall.

“What do you mean?” He asked, as he ignored the pleasantly familiar scent he was beginning to associate with her as it seemed to spill from her hair as she combed it with her fingers. 

“Well, from what she said, it sounds like I was lucky to have survived the beacon’s imprint. Who knows what would have happened to you if I hadn’t gotten to you in time. I guess, I’m glad it was me,” She answered, as their eyes connected again. He could see the sincerity there, and felt warmed by it.

“If we’re looking for a silver lining, we can go with that. I just wish I had known better than to get near to it in the first place,” He said with a shrug. “I have to imagine it’s not comfortable.”

“Shit in one hand, wish in the other and see which one fills up first,” Shepard said, a distant look in her eyes and Kaidan felt his face break into a smile. 

“Where did that come from?” He asked and her eyes turned to him, and nostalgic smile gracing her features. 

“Something my grandmother used to say. Seriously though, I’ve been through worse. My gram’s point was you shouldn’t make wishes about things you can’t change yourself. Like I said before, you had no idea what would happen and all you did was walk towards it,” She softly reprimanded him, “Besides, now we know what Saren knows and I’m grateful for that,” She eased his concerns. “And stop making me repeat myself,” She scolded with mock annoyance.

“Yes, Ma’am,” He teased, watching her out of the corner of his eye.

“Goddamn it, Alenko,” They laughed again. Kaidan noticed as they spoke that she seemed a little more open when it was one on one than when they were in a group. He was grateful that she would seek him out and was glad that he’d been able to ease some of her concerns, and maybe even help her work through her own thoughts. She pinned her hair back up. It was a simple act, pinning up her hair, but it distracted him momentarily. Kaidan was amazed by it. She had a lot of hair, and was able to get it all back and up with just four small pins and without seeing what she was doing. “You know, I did some digging into Jump Zero,” She said, and Kaidan grinned, there was no way she would find anything, no matter who she spoke to.

“Oh yeah?” He asked, “Find anything?” He was still grinning, 

“Not yet,” She admitted, “It’s pretty well classified.”

“That’s cause, as far as the Alliance is concerned, it never happened,” Kaidan answered with a shrug. 

“Well, I’m not done looking,” She said, and Kaidan could sense the determination in her voice and in the firm set of her brow, even if she was grinning spectacularly. He wished her luck, and she stood. “I should go plot out our next stop.” Kaidan nodded, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his thighs, his hands clasped as his eyes followed her. He asked her where they were headed. “Feros. There’s been some geth activity there, and the colony has dropped out of contact,” She answered, and he nodded. 

She wished him a good night and turned on her heel. He sat for another moment and watched her walk away. He entertained the thought that maybe he didn’t need Ashley’s help. His terminal sounded then, bringing his attention back to the program. He stood, and checked the results: still nothing. He sent a message to Tali, asking her to let him know when she had some time free to go over what he had picked up. The response was almost immediate, he smiled at her eagerness and transferred the information to his omni’tool before powering down his terminal and heading down to Engineering. He would like to be able to provide Shepard with some more information on the geth the next time she sought him out. He hoped it would be sooner rather than later.


	12. Chapter 12

As a colony, Zhu’s Hope left a lot to be desired and Kaidan had the impression it hadn’t been this depressing before the geth attack. He was on the Normandy, gathering supplies from their med bay to try to assist with some of the injuries resulting from the events of the day. They had arrived much earlier, and it appeared they would be spending the night in dry dock before attempting to finish the rest of their mission. When they first arrived, Shepard had chosen Kaidan and Garrus to join her. She seemed to appreciate the well-rounded levels of talent in tech, biotics and military training this trio offered. They had been greeted by a colonist, who had directed them to speak to Fai Dan, the head of the colony. Almost before he finished speaking, the geth attacked killing the man and startling the trio into action. They made quick work of the handful of machines. The attack set them on high alert as they made their way into the colony.

Kaidan watched as Shepard’s face fell at the state of the colony. It was in shambles, granted it had been built off the Prothean ruins found here, it still felt less like a colony and more like the slums back on Earth. They were directed to Fai Dan who explained that even before the geth attack, the colony had been struggling. Their water supply had been cut off, they were running low on meat supplies and the power cells needed for their generator had blown leaving them powerless. If this wasn’t an example of a failing colony Kaidan didn’t know what was. He wondered why ExoGeni, the company who founded the colony, hadn’t shut it down. They must have expected to find something in the ruins. Then the geth arrived. Even their conversation with Fai Dan had been interrupted by geth gunfire. 

“They just keep coming!” A colonist fitted with a weapon he had never been trained on exclaimed as he popped from cover to try to defend his home. Shepard looked to Kaidan and Garrus and no words needed to be spoken. They moved forward into the tunnels taking out the geth in their path and searching for whatever it was that was drawing them to this area. Thankfully, as they made their way through the pathways, they founds deactivated water valves. Upon reactivating the third valve, they heard the water start to flow, and Shepard grinned in satisfaction. 

They met a man in the tunnels, who seemed ill and spoke in riddles. Shepard offered to help him, but he had insisted there was no help to be had. Reluctantly, they left him there but Kaidan knew Shepard would be speaking to Fai Dan about it when they returned to the colony. They found a collapsed section of highway, and were able to take down the ill, near rabid Alpha Varren to allow the colonists to hunt safely for the remaining pack to supplement their food supply. As they rummaged through the debris in the area, Garrus was able to pull functional power cells from a damaged vehicle left abandoned. They stowed them in their bag and continued their way through the tunnels. 

They found a geth transmitter and destroyed it with great gratification before turning and making their way back to the colony, eager to find out what exactly was going on here. The behavior of the colonists seemed odd, aside from the attacks. No one would speak of the colony itself, only directed them to Fai Dan who deflected their questions with the talk of the geth. The geth drop ship had left the tower, but had only moved and latched on to the side of the ExoGeni Headquarters on the other side of the Prothean highway. The trio went to the highway, and took a Mako across the way to the headquarters. They were quiet in the vehicle, paying attention to the geth in their path. Garrus worked the gun and Shepard drove while Kaidan used the thrusters to avoid the energy pulses the geth shot at them. 

They were picking up some radio chatter on their way, which seemed to be ExoGeni staff assessing the damage and their odds. As they neared the building, the talk mentioned they could hear a vehicle coming and that it wasn’t the geth. It was assumed that it was them in their Mako. They stopped and found some ExoGeni refugees awaiting rescue. Apparently, the daughter of one of the refugees was still at headquarters, Kaidan and Shepard exchanged a glance. The place was overrun with geth, if she hadn’t found some place to hide, the odds of her being alive were slim. Still, they promised to look for her as they searched for the reason Saren had sent his geth here. 

They went back to the Mako and went further into the tower. Kaidan could sense Shepard’s frustration growing when the Mako was blocked from continuing. They were forced to proceed on foot, without the added protection of the vehicle. Unfortunately, as they searched for a path into the tower, they found their way forward blocked by an energy field that none of the weapons would have been powerful enough to break through. With a resigned sigh, Shepard ordered them down through a broken section of floor in an attempt to get around the barrier. As soon as their feet touched the ground, a shot rebounded off Shepard’s shields and ricocheted into the darkness. They had found Lisbeth Baynham, the daughter of the refugee. 

Shepard eased her concerns about being shot at and made sure Lisbeth was okay. She had stayed behind to protect data when the rest of the building had evacuated, then she was stuck and had to hide. Shepard asked if she had any idea what the geth were after, and that was the first time they had heard anything about the Thorian. Unfortunately, Lisbeth didn’t have any specific information. She did, however, hand over her ID badge to grant them access to other areas. They made their way deeper into the tower, looking for a way to dislodge the geth drop ship to disable the energy fields and get communication back up. 

During their search, the encountered a Krogan attempting to access information from the company’s VI. Due to the security protocols, he was not given any of the information he requested and the VI asked him to step aside to allow the queue forming behind him access. Thankfully, Shepard had her rifle out and Kaidan was ready with a lift before the Krogan had a chance to draw his weapon. They moved up to the terminal, and Shepard pulled out Lisbeth’s ID card. The VI greeted Lisbeth, and proceeded to inform them that there was no new information on the Thorian because the observation sensors at Zhu’s Hope had been inactive for several cycles. Kaidan and Garrus exchanged a worried glance at the heated tone in Shepard’s voice when she asked the VI what Zhu’s Hope had to do with the Thorian. Kaidan could feel her biotics reacting to the anger raging through her.

The VI informed them that the Thorian was located within the colony. It is a species of plant that exhibits a sentient behavior like no one had seen before. Through the dispersion and eventual inhalation of spores it is able to control other species, including humans. ExoGeni established the colony of Zhu’s Hope as a control group, to study the affect of the Thorian on humans. Shepard cursed, “We’ve got to get the fuckin geth out of here and get back to the colony.”

Garrus and Kaidan nodded their assent and followed Shepard further into the building. Eventually, they found where the drop ship had attached itself to the wall and they moved to the controls for the gate. Kaidan played with the settings, allowing it to snap closed with enough force to break off the leg and cause the ship to fall from the building clearing communications and disabling the barriers. Shepard radioed to Joker who informed them the colonists had gone berserk and were attacking the ship. She ordered the remaining crew to bunker down inside the Normandy and not to injure a colonist until she was back to assess the situation and make the call then. 

They found Lisbeth and the barriers were clear. Shepard reamed into her for not being more upfront on the Thorian and ExoGeni’s intentions. She apologized and explained that she had been sidelined and taken off the project because she disagreed with the company’s goals and methods. Shepard let out a deep breath, and ordered her to accompany them back to the base. They made their way, silently, along the highway back towards the colony. The tension was coming off Shepard in waves and Kaidan had the feeling it was because this was a colony. She had said before, she had a weakness when it came to colonies.

They reunited Lisbeth with her mother and the rest of the ExoGeni refugees. Shepard turned to Ethan Jeong, an ExoGeni employee who had informed her that the company wanted the colony purged. “This is a human colony, you can’t just wipe them out and start over!” Ethan drew his pistol and Shepard informed him there would be no purge, except for her purging the Thorian. “You’d better be ready to use that weapon, or put it away,” She said in warning, her voice held a deadly calm. His hand shook, and he swore as he moved to pull the trigger. Shepard was faster, and drew her pistol and before he could get a shot off, Shepard fired a round into the center of his chest, effectively ending any discussion. Shepard turned her attention back to the Baynhams. “I don’t want to hurt any of the colonists, but my crew tells me they’ve attacked our ship. Do you have any suggestions?”

It was decided they would lace Shepard’s grenades with an anti-nerve gas that would work as a sedative to the colonists who already had weakened nervous systems while not affecting Shepard and her team. She agreed to give it a try. They completed the necessary modifications before getting back into the Mako to head back to Zhu’s Hope. “Shepard, are you-…” Kaidan had started but Shepard cut him off.

“Not now, Alenko,” Her answer was short and abrupt but not angry, not towards him. He swallowed as they checked their weapons and she drove them back across the highway. Upon reaching the colony, they found not only the colonists but another type of husk that looked almost organic. They moaned pitifully, and lumbered towards you. When shot, or essentially “killed” they would rupture and green ooze would erupt from their disintegrating forms. Before they entered the garage, Shepard ordered them to put on their helmets. “I don’t want to risk us inhaling any spores while we’re here. What’s done is done, but there’s no point in tempting fate,” She said as she secured the fastenings. She turned her back to Kaidan when she was done, and looked at him over her shoulder. He took a step closer and double checked the closures. He tapped her shoulder guard twice and she turned, and with a gesture ordered him to turn so she could check his. Once they were sure their helmets were secure, their eyes locked for a moment, it was brief but heavy. 

She turned her head from him and signaled for Garrus to open the garage door. The battle was messy and fast. The Thorian Creepers were everywhere, seeming to grow from the ground. They reached the first group of colonists and Shepard tossed a grenade at their feet before turning and lifting the Creepers that had surrounded Kaidan which allowed Garrus to take them out with his rifle. The grenade went off, releasing the gas and the colonists fell unconscious. Kaidan could sense Shepard’s relief that the grenade worked as the last of the creepers erupted. She looked to the two of them, and squared her shoulders before signaling for them to continue to the colony. 

A shot from a colonist ricocheted off Kaidan’s armor and Shepard tossed another grenade at the grouping, cursing when only half the colonists fell under its effects. She left Kaidan and Garrus to deal with the Creepers. She braced herself and ran into the colonist’s gunfire. With a heavy fist she threw a couple left hooks, knocking them out the old fashioned way, in an effort to save the grenades for larger groups. When this area was clear of gunfire, they slowly moved further into the colony. Shepard let out a yell as a round bypassed her shields and struck her armor knocking her back a step. 

Kaidan moved forward this time and, following Shepard’s lead, knocked out the colonist with a quick jab. They made eye contact as briefly she moved back to take point. They were at the entrance to the colony, and Shepard only had a few grenades left. Again, she left Kaidan and Garrus to the Creepers as she moved in and tossed two grenades into a rather large group of colonists. He heard her let out a deep breath over the helmet comms as all the colonists in the area dropped, but she only had one grenade left. So far, they had yet to kill a colonist.

They reached the open area at the colony, and the last of the colonists were there, behind cover, waiting for them. “Alenko!” She called out as she surveyed the area, “I’m going to center ground, I’ll pull those on the left to me, you throw those on the right then I’ll set off the final grenade,” She ordered. His heart pounded in his chest at the order, hoping the gas in the grenade would be enough to knock out the whole group, if not, she would be overwhelmed.

“Aye, aye,” He was forced to obey, despite his reservations.

“Garrus, get to higher ground and focus on the creepers,” She ordered and he climbed onto some nearby crates and pulled out his sniper rifle to take them out. “On my order, Alenko,” She said and he nodded. She took a breath and ran to the center of the clearing, “Now!” She shouted as she pulled half the colonists to her and Kaidan released the pent up energy to corral the rest of them to her. The grenade went off seconds later, and the colonists around her fell, and the force of the grenade sent her hard to her side a few feet away. 

Kaidan cursed under his breath as he and Garrus finished off the remaining creepers before he ran over to her. He opened his omni’tool and ran a medical scan over her. There were no spinal injuries, just the gunshot to her shoulder and an injury to her leg. He rolled her to her back and framed her helmet with his gloved hands looking through her visor at her face. The sudden silence of the area was stunning as Garrus walked over to check on them. “Is she-?” Garrus asked, as her eyes twitched and opened, immediately finding his. He could feel the relief wash over him and he released her.

She propped herself up on her elbows and was silent for a second as she assessed herself. “I wasn’t expecting the force of the grenade,” She admitted sounding sheepish. “Is everyone alright?” She asked. 

“All colonists are alive and accounted for, except Fai Dan,” Kaidan answered as she sat up. He stood and reached out a hand which she accepted and allowed him to pull her to her feet. As if mentioning his name summoned him, they heard dragging footsteps behind them. They turned and found Fai Dan headed their way with a pistol pointed at Shepard.

“I tried to fight it, but it gets in your head. You can’t imagine the pain. I was supposed to be their leader. It wants me to-to stop you, but… I… won’t,” Speaking was a struggle for the man as he fought the Thorian’s control, reluctantly, Shepard pulled out her own pistol and waited, “I won’t!” He shouted as he put the pistol to his own temple.

Shepard’s anguished cry ripped from her throat at the same moment he pulled the trigger. He slumped to his knees, and then finally fell. Shepard dropped to her own knee, her head fell forward. She looked defeated, but in the aftermath, the battle was clearly a success. She sat back and let herself lean against a pillar. He could hear her deep ragged breaths over the comm. “Get medical supplies from the Normandy. I want to be prepared to help them when they wake. Get the others to help bring the colonists to this area. Bring Dr. Chakwas. Make sure everyone has breather helmets on. I’m going to need a minute,” She said, her voice sounded exhausted and tender. He looked to her, and could see where bullets had broken through her armor as she sat with her left knee up and her right leg, her injured leg, stretched out in front of her. A sickening mix of medi-gel and blood oozed from her shoulder. There was a gash in her thigh, most likely from that final grenade. Garrus and Kaidan nodded their assent and went to the Normandy. Kaidan looked over his shoulder and he watched her head fall back and rest on the pillar with a deep sigh heard over the comm, before she shut hers off. 

Kaidan left the Normandy with a bag full of supplies and found Shepard where he had left her, as the others worked around her setting the colonists up on cots while Dr. Chakwas ran scans over them. He went to her, and dropped to his knee in front of her. “Alenko, go help-…” She had started to order but he shook his head. 

“No, they’ve got in under control. I want to look at your shoulder and your leg,” He said as he opened his bag. She sighed her consent, and shifted slightly, allowing him better access to her wounded side. He removed his own gloves as she removed hers and started on her gauntlet, but he moved her hand out of the way and took over removing the armor from her arm and shoulder. She sighed, and dropped her head back against the pillar. The bullet had broken through the weaving of the armor and tore the skin, but it was just a flesh wound. Medi-gel and been released by her suit, but the system had been damaged which had caused the leak. Gingerly, he cleaned the wound and noticed she didn’t even wince at the sting of the antiseptic. He applied a liberal amount of medi-gel directly to the wound before covering it. 

“Humans did this to these people,” She said, after a quiet moment. “They came to this colony full of hope and wanting something new, something that was their own. This wasn’t an alien act. This was humanity,” Her voice was sad, and full of disgust. He sat back on his heels and she looked to him, making eye contact through their visors.

“And a human is going to save them,” He reminded her, and she chuckled softly.

“Damn straight,” She said, though she still sounded tired. “I thought maybe we could wait until the morning to head down for the Thorian, but I’m thinking we should take care of it tonight. The sooner we end that thing, the sooner we can free these people.” 

“Aye, aye, but I need to look at your leg first,” He said and she nodded. She reached down to unhook her greave, and he helped her pull it away. Though the material of her underarmor was ruined, he still apologized before ripping it further, fully exposing the wound. It ran from the center of her thigh up to just under her hip. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes. He swallowed and tried not to think about how much of her naked thigh was exposed to him. He focused on his medic training and pulled out a clean cloth to wash the wound. A violent hiss left her as he poured the antiseptic over the gash, and he clenched his jaw. He dried it, and applied the medi-gel. The skin of her leg was soft and warm as his hand tenderly spread the gel. He glanced up, and found her eyes on him as he mended her wounds. He stopped his ministrations and locked eyes with her, his fingers curled around her leg while his thumb slowly ran over the end of the wound. He could see the hurt that she was reliving for these colonists, the anger at ExoGeni, the disgust in humanity, and something else. Something just as heated that bubbled under the surface, and drew him in. 

“Lieutenant,” Dr. Chakwas spoke, breaking their moment, and Shepard’s head fell back again as he turned to look at the doctor, glad he was still in his armor. This way, no one would notice the blush rising from his collar. “Did you bring more medi-gel from the ship? I’m out,” She asked him and he nodded. He looked back to Shepard, but she had closed her eyes to rest and he made quick work of the bandage and took the Doctor the rest of the supplies he had brought. He turned back to glance at Shepard and she was securing her greave back on her leg, her armor already back on her arm and shoulder, before she stood and stretched. She moved passed them, handing him his gloves as she went. 

“Alenko,” She called and pointed at the controls for the crane that would lift the part of the ship off the entrance to the Thorian’s, what?, lair? He went to it immediately and opened the code to hack the system as she gave the orders. Garrus, Kaidan and she would be heading down to end the Thorian. The rest of the squad were charged with protecting the colonists from any remaining geth and from themselves. With a loud creaking noise, the section of ship lifted. Shepard gave the order for them to move out, and she dropped first followed by Kaidan and Garrus. 

The trio made their way down the hallways looking for the Thorian. They weren’t quite sure exactly what it was they were looking for. That is, until they saw it, “Holy fuck, that doesn’t look like any plant I’ve ever seen,” Shepard sighed as they drew their weapons and took a couple steps closer. It was a large, organic mass suspended within the structure of the building. Its tendrils extended from the main body of the being and stretched into the decrepit hallways. It looked like a cancerous growth. Shepard shuddered as they stepped closer. It pulsed, and throbbed as it leaked. The whole area smelled like rotting compost. Most of the walls or railings along the stair cases and hallways surrounding the Thorian were long gone. This left large sections of open floor with a drop off beneath the Thorian that went down further down then the eye could see.

As the being throbbed, something was dropped from inside. What appeared to be a green tinted Asari stood and locked eyes with Shepard. It spoke, “Invaders! Your every step is a transgression. A thousand feelers appraise you as meat, good only to dig or decompose. I speak for the Old Growth, as I did for Saren. You are within and before the Thorian. It commands that you be in awe!”

Shepard signaled for them to drop their weapons, and they did but they did not holster them. “You gave something to Saren. Something I need,” She replied taking a small step closer to the Asari. 

“Saren sought knowledge of those who are gone. The Old Growth listened to flesh for the first time in the Long Cycle. Trades were made. Then cold ones began killing the flesh that would tend the next cycle. Flesh fairly given! The Old Growth sees the air you push as lies! It will listen no more!”

Anger radiated from Shepard, and she glowed blue as she stepped closer still, “I won’t let you keep your thralls! Release them. Now!” 

“No more will the Thorian listen to those that scurry. Your lives are short, but have gone on too long!” With those words, the Asari attacked. Luckily, their weapons were already drawn and they made quick work of her before turning towards the moaning sounds of the Creepers. 

As Kaidan made his way down the hall, he found a node where the Thorian was attached to what was left of the wall, “Shepard! Over here!” He called to her and she came up behind him, shotgun drawn and with a few quick raps it released from the wall and the tendril fell to hang with the main body of the Thorian. “I bet there’s more of these, maybe if we release enough it will fall.” She nodded and they continued down the hall. As soon as they left the stairway they were met by another green tinted asari clone. 

Her biotics were formidable, but the combination of Shepard and Kaidan’s talents made it a fair match. This continued relentlessly as they descended lower and lower searching out the nodes. With the destruction of each node, a new asari clone would appear. It was exhausting between the Asari and the never ending supply of the Creepers. After what felt like an eternity, the main portion of the Thorian seemed to sway with its own weight as it ejected another clone, “I think we’ve almost got it, Shepard,” Kaidan offered and Shepard turned to look at him in the same moment a Creeper came round a corner and knocked into her. She was standing too close to the edge of the level and though she struggled to catch her balance she fell. Without thinking, Kaidan reached out with a biotic pull and retrieved her while Garrus took out the Creeper. She came flying back over the ledge, and when he released her she slid across the floor until she was lying just under the node. Without speaking a word she lifted her shotgun, and blasted it showering herself with its rotting fluids.

With a great groan that echoed throughout the decaying structure, the Thorian fell to its death. Shepard let her arms fall to her sides and stayed lying on the ground, staring at the ceiling of the ruins. Kaidan and Garrus rushed over to her, Garrus got there first and extended a hand to her. She reached out and took it and he pulled her to her feet, “Commander, are you alright?” Garrus asked her, concern playing in his two-toned voice.

“I’m fine. Nice grab, Alenko,” She commented by way of thanks and nodded at him. He returned the nod, grateful, not for the first time, that she had convinced him to use his biotics more; if she hadn’t he may not have thought to do it in time. Before he could speak he noticed one of the Thorian’s flesh pods on the wall rupture and an Asari fell to the floor on all fours. She coughed and spit out a mouthful of the Thorian’s essence before breathing deeply. All three pointed their weapons at her. She stood and held her hands out at them.

“I’m… I’m free,” the Asari spoke and Shepard lowered her weapon, just slightly. “I suppose I should thank you for releasing me.”

“Who are you? Why are you here?” Shepard asked, her voice tense and still angry.

“My name is Shiala, I serve—I served Matriarch Benezia. When she allied herself with Saren, so did I. I came to this world in search of the Thorian. Saren needed its knowledge. He needed my biotic abilities to communicate with it,” Shepard decided she posed no immediate threat, and holstered her weapon. Kaidan and Garrus followed suit. Yet, Kaidan could feel Shepard’s biotics on a hair trigger, so he had himself just as ready as they continued to listen to Shiala. “Saren offered me in trade. I was sacrificed to secure an alliance between Saren and the Thorian.”

“Saren’s pretty quick to betray his own people,” Shepard commented, crossing her arms over her chest and shifting her weight. 

“He was quick to betray the Thorian, too. After he had what he wanted, he ordered the geth to destroy all evidence of its existence,” Shepard glanced to Kaidan and Garrus, that seemed to be Saren’s MO. Shiala continued, “Saren knows you are searching for the Conduit. He knows you are following his steps. He attacked the Thorian so you could not gain the Cipher.”

“What is the Cipher and why did Saren need it?” Kaidan asked and Shepard looked to him momentarily before looking back to Shiala as she spoke.

“The beacon on Eden Prime gave you visions, but the visions are unclear, confusing. This is because they were meant for a Prothean mind. To truly comprehend them, you must think like a Prothean. You must understand their culture, their history, their very existence. The Thorian was here long before the Protheans built this city. It watched and studied them. When they died, it consumed them. They became a part of it.”

Shepard sounded disbelieving as she spoke, “So the Thorian taught Saren to think like a Prothean?” She glanced over the edge at where they had sent the Thorian to its death, “How?”

“The Cipher is the very essence of being a Prothean. It cannot be described or explained. It would be like describing color to a creature without eyes. To understand, you must have access to endemic ancestral memory. A viewpoint spanning thousands of Prothean generations. I sensed this ancestral memory – the Cipher – when I melded with the Thorian. Our identities merged, our minds intertwined. Such knowledge cannot be taught; it simply exists,” Shiala spoke almost reverently about the Thorian, and it sent chills down Kaidan’s spine.

“I need it to stop Saren,” Shepard answered simply.

“Well,” Shiala started, “There is a way. I can transfer the knowledge from my mind to yours, as I did with Saren,” She took a step closer to Shepard, who planted her feet firmly. “Try to relax, Commander. Slow, deep breaths. Let go of your physical shell. Reach out to grasp the threads that bind us, one to another,” Shiala moved closer to Shepard and Kaidan took a step forward, instinctually, protectively, but Shepard signaled for him to stay where he was as she removed her helmet. She returned her eyes to the Asari. He had a bad feeling in his gut about this, and looked to Garrus who seemed just as concerned. “Every action sends ripples across the galaxy. Every idea must touch another mind to live. Each emotion must mark another’s spirit. We are all connected. Every living being in a single, glorious existence. Open yourself to the universe, Commander,” Shiala’s head fell back and her eyes closed, “Embrace eternity!” She spoke loud and firm as she lifted her head and opened her eyes which had gone black like the night.

Shepard’s body tensed, and her hands formed fists at her sides. Her eyes were pinched closed and her mouth twisted in a painful grimace. Kaidan’s heart pounded as they sat, frozen and waiting for it to be over. After a brief eternity, Shepard’s body relaxed and the pair opened their eyes. Shepard was silent as she looked around. Her clouded eyes found Kaidan’s and locked on.

“I have given you the Cipher, just as it was given to Saren. The ancestral memories of the Protheans are a part of you now,” Shepard turned her haunted eyes back to Shiala as the asari started speaking and scrubbed her hands over her face in an effort to pay attention to what she was saying.

“Shepard, are you alright?” Kaidan asked, the concern plain in his voice and he didn’t care who heard it. She looked to him and confessed she saw something but it was still confusing. She sounded disappointed.

“You have been given a great gift: the experience of an entire people. It will take time for your mind to process this information,” Shiala insisted, sounding desperate.

“We should get you to the ship, Shepard. You’re looking kind of rough,” Kaidan suggested taking a step closer to her as she swayed on her feet for a second.

“You sure know how to sweet talk the ladies, Alenko,” She joked, and Kaidan was glad she was feeling well enough to tease him as he took her elbow to steady her, her eyes lifted to his at the contact. Her pupils were dilated and her face pale. He clenched his jaw.

Shiala continued speaking, “I am sorry if you suffered, but there was no other way. You needed the Cipher. In time, it will help you understand the vision from the beacon.” They started making their way back to the colony, and Kaidan was surprised Shepard allowed him to maintain his hold on her arm. It was decided as they walked that Shiala would stay on at the colony and serve almost a penance for her part in their suffering. 

When they made it back to the colony, they found the colonists awake and grateful for the Normandy’s assistance. Shepard covered his hand on her arm without looking at him as her eyes moved over the make shift triage area. She pulled away from Kaidan then and made quick rounds. Kaidan watched as she stopped and spoke with each colonist, allowing them to shake her hand and thank her. Kaidan had a feeling this small action would do a lot to alleviate any sadness she had over what happened here. 

As she finished making her way around to the cots, Kaidan noticed the rest of her crew had gone to the ship already, leaving him looking after her. When she said goodbye to the last colonist, she turned and found him waiting for her. She let a sad smile tug at her face as she made her way over to him. “I suppose it could have ended worse,” She said softly as they walked side by side to the Normandy.

“Yeah, it could have,” He replied, thinking of the moment she’d set off that last grenade and hadn’t stood up. He thought of the way she flailed as she fell over the edge in the Thorian’s lair. He thought of the intense pain on her face as Shiala forced the Cipher into her head. He looked at her as they walked, she still seemed pale but was more sure footed. Her brow was creased, and her eyes were down. They reached the Normandy and started the decontamination sequence, ‘It could have ended a lot worse,’ he thought.


	13. Chapter 13

  
It was late when they returned to the ship and the night cycle skeleton crew were at their stations as the ground team moved through the CIC and down to the elevator at the crew deck level. After boarding the Normandy, Shepard had given them thirty minutes to clean up before the debriefing in the comm room. Kaidan had to admit he felt a sense of relief as Joker piloted the ship away from Feros. He had no regrets leaving the experience of the Thorian behind them.

As they waited for Shepard, the room was filled with the soft hum of conversation. His attention went to Garrus and Tali as they discussed the pros and cons of their respective omni-tools. It was reassuring to have squadmates who could appreciate and knowledgeably talk tech with him. Ashley and Wrex were discussing their favorite shotguns, and she laughed loudly at something Wrex said. His deep rumbling chuckle followed. Considering the day they had, it was refreshing to talk about something other than the mission for a few minutes. The door to the comm room whispered open, and Liara breezed in light on her feet and took an empty seat.  
  
Seconds later, Shepard entered still looking a little worse for the wear. Kaidan had the suspicion she hadn’t taken the personal time to clean herself up since they had returned. The room fell silent with as the Commander’s presence filled it. Everyone sat a little straighter as she leaned against the comm controls and crossed her arms over her chest. Her eyes glued to the floor. “Shepard, are you alright?” Liara asked, her voice was soft and concerned and Shepard lifted her eyes to hers, “You look… pale. Are you suffering any ill effects from the Cipher?”

“It wasn’t the most comfortable experience,” She admitted quietly, “it shook me up a bit.” She scrubbed her hands over her face before crossing her arms over her front again.  
  
“I might be able to help you,” Liara offered and Shepard looked to her, hope filling her eyes. “If I join my consciousness to yours maybe we can make some sense of it, together,” She explained and Shepard’s eyes dropped away again as she considered her options.  
  
"Isn’t that how you… mate?” Wrex’s gravel tone rang out sounding oddly amused. Kaidan felt a burning discomfort in his core.  
  
Liara glared at the Krogan, and then turned a softened gaze to Shepard, “It is a similar process, yes, but I would not be delving as deep into your psyche. I would not be accessing your genetics. It is no different than what Shiala did to give you the Cipher,” Liara explained and Shepard closed her eyes with a sigh and considered her options. Kaidan had to admit, he didn’t like the idea of anyone else prying their way into her brain. It seemed so violating.  
  
“I don’t see as I have much choice,” She muttered as she opened her eyes, “We don’t have a lot of time to wait for me to figure this out on my own,” She sighed and pushed herself away from the controls as Liara stood and took a few steps closer to her. “Just, don’t get me pregnant,” Shepard attempted a joke to lighten the room.  
  
Liara flushed purple, “I couldn’t get you pregnant, it would be me, I mean… Shepard, you have to know I would never violate your trust in that way,” Liara answered, her voice thick with sincerity. Once again, she missed the humor being attempted which only allowed the awkward tension in the room to grow nearly palpable.  
  
Shepard sighed deeply, her eyes flicking to Kaidan quickly, he was surprised that she seemed nervous, “Let’s just get this over with.”  
  
Liara took a couple deep breaths. Reluctantly, Shepard looked back to the Asari, who spoke with authority for the first time since they met her, “Relax, Commander. Embrace eternity!”  
  
It was just as it had been before, with Shiala, except Shepard’s body trembled a little as she stood before the Asari while Liara pried herself into the Commander’s mind. Her face held the same painful tension, and it seemed as if only her balled up fists and pressed lips held back her scream. Thankfully, it was over quickly. As soon as Shepard’s eyes opened again, she stumbled back a few steps until she reached the control panel. She leaned on it for support as one hand went to her forehead. Liara stood straight and still with her eyes open wide. The look of euphoric excitement on Liara’s face angered Kaidan, and he hoped she wasn’t just using this as a way to learn more about the Protheans.  
  
“That was, incredible! All this time, all my research, yet, I never dreamed…” Liara’s voice held a level of enjoyment that was clearly lacking from Shepard’s response.  
  
“Shepard, are you-…” Kaidan started to stand, and Shepard waved him off shaking her head slowly. Liara turned her attention back to the Commander who had grown paler with the meld, and Kaidan hadn’t thought that would have been possible.  
  
“I am sorry, the images were so vivid! I never imagined the experience would be so … intense,” Liara offered an apology.  
  
“Tell me about it,” Shepard mumbled, and Kaidan refused to look away from her.  
  
“You are remarkably strong-willed, Commander. What you have been through, what you have seen, would have destroyer a lesser mind,” Liara commented, and Shepard’s eyes flicked to Kaidan again. He swallowed hard, forcing down the regret as he reminded himself of her words from their last conversation, ‘I’m glad it was me.’ She had said. He wondered if she still felt that way.  
  
“Did you see anything that could help us?” Ashley asked, taking a turn in directing the conversation.  
  
Liara let out a sigh, “The beacon on Eden Prime must have been badly damaged. Large parts of the vision are missing. The data transferred into the commander’s mind is… incomplete.”  
  
Shepard sighed, and the disappointment was written in her face and her dropped shoulders, “So, all that was for nothing? You didn’t come across any kind of clue or hint? Something we might have missed?” she asked, a burning, angry desperation in her voice and Kaidan winced.  
  
“Everything I saw, you already know. You were right about the Reapers. The Protheans were destroyed by them. It is obvious there is a connection between the Reapers, the Protheans and the Conduit, but I saw nothing that would help us find it. I was able to interpret the data through your vision. What was there, at least, but something was missing. Saren must have the missing information. Maybe he has another beacon, if we can find the missing data, I can…” Liara’s voice trailed off as she lost her balance. “I am sorry, the joining… I am exhausted. I should go to the medical bay and lie down for a moment.”  
  
Shepard nearly growled, “We’re done here, dismissed.” Kaidan could appreciate her frustration, and wondered if maybe they shouldn’t have brought the civilian Asari with them. Shepard turned her back on the room, and braced herself with her hands on the control console. Kaidan had remained seated to see if Shepard needed anything else from him, but Joker intervened and informed her the Feros report had been submitted to the council and she requested he patch them in to her so she could brief them.  
  
The stress and length of the day seemed to settle on each member of the crew as they left the comm room and descended to the crew deck. Kaidan returned to his station and tried to let himself get lost in his reporting, but he couldn’t. He looked up to the med bay and saw Liara being tended to by Dr. Chakwas. Tali, Garrus and Wrex were waiting for the elevator to take them down to the cargo bay and engineering. Garrus seemed to be standing at full height. The tension visible in his rigid spine. Tali was slouching and, for once, she was standing stone still. Her excited energy had been dispelled with the knowledge that they hadn’t really gained any leads on Saren. Wrex seemed to be scowling, but it was hard to tell whether that was his reaction to the meeting or just his harsh personality showing plainly on his face.  
  
As the elevator door closed on the trio, Shepard came down the stairs from the CIC. Kaidan watched as she briskly crossed through the mess and entered the medbay. He let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. He was glad she was letting Chakwas check her injuries. He submitted his report and powered down his station. Before he knew where he was going, he found himself in the cockpit with Joker. He found Ashley there, sitting sideways in the co-pilots chair. She looked up at him when he entered, and her conversation with Joker stalled. Joker looked behind him and spotted Kaidan. He turned his attention back to his console as Ashley stood. She said good night to the pair, and Kaidan took the seat she had vacated.  
  
The Flight Lieutenant looked at him once he was sitting in the co-pilot’s chair and released a deep sigh. “Hell of a day, huh?” Joker asked after a quiet moment. Kaidan mumbled his assent. “Maybe next time we touch down, let’s try not to park the ship in a colony of mutant zombies. Just, ya know, thinking out loud here,” Joker added as his hands whirled over the controls. Kaidan let out a reluctant chuckle.  
  
“Hopefully, there won’t be any more colonies of mutant zombies in our future,” Kaidan responded as he logged into the console. He was grateful that Joker fell silent then, and Kaidan let himself get lost as he monitored the code in front of him. Time seemed to pass quickly as his thoughts focused on the information scrolling over the display, and away from the mission and the Commander. It wasn’t until he felt himself relax and his eyes begin to droop that he realized the trajectory of the ship was off from what he expected their next stop to be. He thought they would be heading back to the Citadel to restock and refuel before taking up the next lead, “Joker, what is our next destination?”  
  
“Uh, the Commander has us heading back to Artemis Tau,” Joker answered, his voice distracted as the relief pilot, McBanes, joined them in the cockpit. Kaidan’s tone was stunned when he asked Joker why. “Shepard tells me where to go, Alenko, not why we’re going there.” He answered as McBanes handed Joker his crutches. Joker stood slowly and wished Kaidan and McBanes a good night as he left the post. Kaidan stood and offered McBanes a good evening before following in Joker’s path moments later.  
  
He made it down to the mess and stopped before heading to the sleeper pods. He went to his station and retrieved some of the tea Dr. Chakwas had given him. The news that they were headed away from the Citadel had woken his mind again, and he felt he needed the additional assistance to get to sleep. Once his tea had steeped he took it to the mess and sat. He leaned forward and let the steam brush against his face as he inhaled the aromatics with a deep breath. He almost didn’t hear the soft sigh of Commander Shepard’s door opening. He lifted his eyes, and found her walking towards the kitchen area with her own tea bag in hand.  
  
She was dressed in a hooded sweatshirt and sweatpants, her hair was damp and fell straight down her back. Kaidan felt relieved when he realized she had finally showered and changed out of the underclothes that were ruined on Feros. It felt like days ago that he had bandaged her wounds and the fact that it had been just hours ago was a startling realization. She turned a few moments later, and seemed surprised when her eyes fell on him. She made her way over to his table, and with a gesture asked if she could join him.  
  
He kicked out a chair for her, and barely smiled as she sat across from him. She lifted her feet onto the chair next to him allowing herself to lounge back. He was surprised that she still looked pale, and her eyes were tinged with pain. It was a look he recognized, so he spoke softly when he asked, “Are you well?”  
  
She sighed, and stretched her neck side to side, “Yeah… well, I’ll be alright. Got a bit of a headache still. I thought a hot shower would help but…” She trailed off as he pushed himself away from the table and moved to stand next to her, she watched him with a raised eyebrow, looking up through her lashes at him.  
  
“I’ve got some experience with those, let me see if I can help,” He offered as he leaned against the table, facing her, and rubbed his hands together to warm them.  
  
She let herself smirk and Kaidan noticed a gleam in her eye as she asked, “You have experience with hot showers?”  
  
He laughed gently, “Some, yeah, but that’s a conversation for another day. Headaches. I have experience with headaches,” He answered. “Let me try something that, well, sometimes it helps with my migraines.” She shrugged and brought down her legs as she turned to face him. He stepped closer to her, his legs brushing against her knees and he felt her eyes on him as he reached out almost tentatively to touch her. He placed his hands on her shoulders and ran them behind her head to the back of her neck. He moved his hands to the bottom of her skull just under her the site of her implant. Kaidan knew from experience that this was an overly sensitive area on any biotic so he wasn’t surprised by the gooseflesh that chased his touch. Her damp hair was heavy and cool against his hands. He slowly moved his fingers out until he found a small indentation. She let out a soft sigh, and her eyes drifted closed as he pressed in on the point. Kaidan smirked. “Tilt your head back,” He whispered, and she obeyed. “Be sure to breathe deeply,” He added gently and continued the pressure in silence for the next few minutes.  
  
Her skin was soft, and warm. He found himself with an interesting vantage point. She had a dusting of freckles over her nose and under her eyes. There was the scar everyone had seen stretching from her right eyebrow, across the bridge of her nose and onto her left cheek, but there were other scars too; smaller, less noticeable. He noticed a soft blush creeping on her cheeks as he continued the pressure on the points and the memorization of her features. He moved his thumbs to her temples and he began to massage them in circles. He could see the tension leaving her face, though her skin still felt feverish. She had long eyelashes, and they rested on her cheeks as she continued to breathe deeply. Her mouth forming a circle with each exhale. He stretched his hands out and, while keeping his fingers on the pressure point at the base of her skull, let his thumbs run smoothly and firmly over her brow.  
  
Her tongue darted out to wet her lips as she inhaled through her nose. He bit the inside of his cheek to remind himself not to watch her mouth. Then his gaze lowered and he found himself admiring the way her long, pale neck was exposed. Standing this close to her, fresh from a shower, he was distracted by the familiar fragrance that filled the air between them. His thumbs slipped over her forehead before he moved them back to her temples. A barely audible moan left her throat and brought him back to the moment. Her cheeks were a much darker pink now, and he knew he had to back away, put some distance between them. He did, slowly removing his hands from her heated skin. He dropped them to his sides, and they clenched into fists as if to hold on to the feeling of her soft skin against his calloused hands as he stepped away from her. He pulled out the chair next to her and sat. He enjoyed the charge that had been created in the air between them during the passed moments, and he didn’t want to move away from her.  
  
“Wow, Alenko, with hands like that I might have to take you home with me,” She stated as her eyes opened and she looked at him. He was seated now, next to her and paused at her words, freezing over the table as he reached for his tea. His eyes turned to her; his own eyebrow raised. It seemed to take a minute for her to realize what she had implied and it wasn’t until she noticed his smirk that she tried to back pedal. “I mean, you know what I mean,” She brushed off the comment with a wave of her hand and hid her embarrassment in her mug of tea.  
  
“No, I don’t, but we can talk about that another day, too,” He chuckled and settled back in the seat next to her. “Did that help?” He asked.  
  
“Yeah, actually,” She stretched her neck to each side. “Thank you,” He nodded at her.  
  
“I learned some tricks dealing with the L2,” He offered. “Are headaches a common side effect from … I don’t know what they call it. Whatever it was Liara did to you?”  
  
She turned to face him and crossed her legs at the ankle tucking them beneath her chair. He couldn’t help but notice how small she seemed, if he didn’t know better he’d use the word dainty. “I don’t know, embracing eternity seems to leave quite a bit to be desired on my end,” She answered sipping her tea, and looking at him over the edge of her mug. They locked eyes and Kaidan felt like there was more to it than that. They were silent for a moment, and she set the mug down, their eyes still connected. She looked away and toyed with the tag from her tea that hung out of her mug. “When I close my eyes now, I just see… I see the Protheans. I see what happened to them. It’s awful and now… Now they’re coming for us,” She was whispering.  
  
Kaidan was caught off guard at the sudden sign of doubt. On the ground, in a fight, she’s calm, calculated. Cold. It’s hard to remember that she is also a woman, a human, with real emotions; Not a machine. He felt almost proud that she felt comfortable enough with him to let him see this side of her. “We’ll stop Saren, and the Reapers,” He answered and she looked up with a gentle smile. She cocked an eyebrow at him. “Well, I don’t know how but we will.” She laughed softly and they fell into a comfortable silence. “Joker says we’re heading back to Artemis Tau, may I ask why?”  
  
She cleared her throat before answering, “I got a message from Rear Admiral Kahoku.” Her eyes were on the table and she tapped her fingers next to her mug, her other arm around her abdomen, “A group of his marines went missing in the system and he had heard we were out this way and asked me to look into it. I figured we could pass it by on our way back to the Citadel so, why not?” She explained and Kaidan nodded. He respected the fact that she was willing to help the Alliance when asked, even though she didn’t answer directly to them anymore. “I asked Anderson about BAaT,” She admitted after a silent moment, lifting her eyes to his. He raised an eyebrow at her in response as he drank his tea, “He told me to stop looking into it.”  
  
He locked eyes with her, and let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding before he spoke, “That is because the Alliance made mistakes,” He found himself talking about it without deciding to tell her, “After first contact, the company Conatix was set up to track element zero exposures and develop implants for humans. Once we had an embassy on the Citadel, Conatix could bring in ‘experts,’ instead of taking it slow,” He paused and she asked why they couldn’t learn on our own as she sipped her tea. “They didn't know where to start. Hell, it took a couple years to even link biotics and eezo, forget trying to get the kids to move stuff. They had trouble just helping them not break their own limbs. Their choice of teachers didn't help much.”  
  
“If we were bringing in experts, it had to have been aliens,” She guessed.  
  
“Dead on. Turians, actually. That’s why Conatix kept it secret. They were afraid of what people back home would think about us asking the Turians for help when we’d just fought a war with them,” Kaidan explained, he found it easier and easier to talk about as he opened up. He had to assume the ease with which the information poured from him was simply because he was talking to her. He had never spoken about this before, except to the therapists he had been required to see when he enlisted. His parents didn’t even know all the details.  
  
“Wouldn’t the Asari have been more acceptable than the Turians?” She asked, and Kaidan appreciated her understanding of the situation.  
  
“Naturally, but the company didn’t go through the Citadel. It would have made Earth look weak. So they discreetly hired some Turian mercenaries,” She winced visibly, and he chuckled grimly. “They brought in an ex-military Turian named Commander Vyrnnus who would introduce himself by saying, ‘I was at the helm of the dreadnaught that killed your father.’” Shepard shook her head and lifted her tea again, “I told him my dad wasn’t in the war. He’d retired to Vancouver. My family had an inland home that matured to new beachfront. He didn’t appreciate my backtalk and Vyrnnus had it in for me after that. He cut corners, pushed hard. I mean, you either came out a superman or a wreck. A lot of kids snapped; a few died.”  
  
“What happened to the program?” She asked, and it was Kaidan’s turn to look away. Shame burned under his collar. “It was closed down before I would have been sent there and you’re not that much older than me,” The honest curiosity in her tone broke the last of his reservations and he sighed.  
  
“There was an incident, ah, with Vyrnnus and me. He hurt Rahna; broke her arm. She just, she reached for a glass of water instead of pulling it biotically. She wanted a drink without getting a nosebleed, you know? Like an idiot, I stood up. I didn’t know what I was going to do… just something and Vyrnnus lost it. He beat the crap out of me. Kept shouting how they should have bombed us back into the Stone Age. That’s when the knife came up. A military-issue talon. Right in my face,” He paused and without thinking his hand came up and traced the scar that cut through his lips. Shepard shifted and leaned forward in her chair, resting her elbows on her thighs. He glanced up and locked eyes with her. The concern on her face, stirred something deep in his chest. His voice was hoarse when he continued, “I cut loose, Shepard. Full biotic kick, right in the teeth, almost as strong as I can manage now. At seventeen, that’s something.”  
  
She reached out and placed a comforting hand on his arm. He could feel the chill of her touch through his shirt, “You wanted to help a girl you cared for. That’s a noble thing.”  
  
“Maybe my intentions were noble, but… I lost control. I killed him, Shepard,” Kaidan explained, and Shepard’s face betrayed her surprise. “I snapped his neck. They probably could’ve saved him, if they got him to an infirmary quick enough, but they didn’t. It caused a stir when they shipped him home. BAaT training was shut down. Conatix folded a couple of years later. It’s funny. I’m not sure which of us got the worst of what happened,” He finished and lifted his tea to finish it. She pulled her hand away and the loss of her touch left a burning heat on his arm. She asked about Rahna, and Kaidan sighed.  
  
“Rahna? Yeah. Yeah, she was fine. We never really, uh – We stopped talking after that.”  
  
“Why?” She asked and Kaidan chuckled at the surprise in her tone.  
  
“Rahna… she had a gentle heart. She loved everyone and Vyrnnus terrified her. We all protected her from him. Everyone who – E-Everyone who loved her. After what I did to him, she was terrified of me, too,” Kaidan explained, and was surprised at the look of understanding that passed over her features. “What?”  
  
“That’s why you stay on the defensive with your biotics,” He was silent when he thought about it. “You’re afraid you’re going to scare people away from you, like you scared Rahna.”  
  
“Yeah, I guess that makes sense. I want to be trustworthy, and I don’t want to lose control,” He agreed, and she sighed. He looked to her, and was taken aback again at the plain assessment in her eyes.  
  
“I think it will start with you trusting yourself,” She said, and her voice was soft and gentle. “If you have a fear of your abilities, it would be difficult for others to trust you and your control,” She suggested and he chewed the inside of his cheek as he considered her words.  
  
“Maybe you’re right,” He conceded, breathing deeply.  
  
“I am,” She said with a chuckle, “Your biotics have already saved my ass more than once, I’m not second guessing you. You shouldn’t second guess yourself either.” She stood and his eyes followed her. “It’s late, and we both need sleep after today,” She reminded him, and at her words he stifled a yawn. He stood and collected their empty mugs taking them to the sink. They took the few steps to cross the mess together, and when it came time for them to part, him to the sleeper pods, and her to her quarters, she spoke, “Lights out, Lieutenant,” The use of his title seemed like an attempt to inject some formality into the moment, but it was lost on him as she looked up at her. The soft lighting of the dimmed ship reflecting in her sleepy blue eyes.  
  
“Yes, Ma’am,” He answered her and she chuckled at the teasing tone and dropped her eyes from him and turned on her heel to head to her cabin. “Good night, Shepard,” He called to her as she walked away. She waved over her shoulder before the door whispered closed behind her. Talking about the events at BAaT had been more cathartic than he had expected it to be, and he was more relaxed now than he had been since leaving the cockpit.  
  
He had to wonder if it was expelling his story, or Shepard’s company. Then again, it was probably Chakwas’s tea. He locked himself in his sleeper pod, and lowered his lights. As he drifted off to sleep, he could still smell the soft floral fragrance that she wore. His hands clenched and opened at his sides as he tried not to think about the way her skin felt. The bright blue of her eyes reflected in his memory. Thankfully, sleep took him quickly.


	14. Chapter 14

  
They were laughing, and it felt nice. It had been just a day and a half since the mission on Feros yet the lighthearted atmosphere that permeated the ship was a stark contrast to the heaviness of the day before. Kaidan wasn’t sure who to credit with the change, but he was grateful for it. When they reached the Atremis Tau cluster they had picked up on a distress beacon from the planet Edolus. They entered the planet’s atmosphere just over an hour before with the hopes of picking up Kahoku’s team and bringing them back to the Citadel.  
  
Shepard, Garrus and Kaidan met in the cargo bay and retrieved their weapons before moving towards the Mako. Garrus climbed in first so he had the room to arrange his large form in the back seat, near the gun controls and scope. Shepard met Kaidan’s eyes when they stopped in front of the vehicle’s open door. Keeping her eyes on Kaidan’s, she turned her back to him in an unspoken request before looking away. He ran his hands along the seams of her armor, ensuring all of the closures were secure. As his hands skimmed across her shoulders, his fingers brushed the back of her neck and he bit back a grin at the gooseflesh that followed his hands. He tapped her shoulder guard and she turned and thanked him. He stepped in front of her and allowed her to check his armor. She took her time, methodically checking the closures, lingering near his waist before moving up his sides. Her cool fingers trailed across his neck, just under his amp port and he failed to suppress the shiver. He turned when she tapped his shoulder and found her smirking at him, with a pleasant sparkle in her eye.  
  
He felt the corner of his mouth turn up and stepped aside to let her into the driver’s seat, much to Garrus and his own dismay. The bay doors opened and Shepard executed a textbook, if rough, drop from the ship to the planet’s surface. Garrus had grunted, maybe a little more dramatically then necessary, as the vehicle jarred against the unforgiving dirt. This started a debate on what kind of terrain the Mako could handle and who should do the driving. Shepard felt it appropriate, because the Mako could handle it, to drive over the rougher terrain; terrain like large hills of loose rock, or small mountains. Kaidan and Garrus argued that maybe it would be better to go around these obstacles, in order to save the vehicle some damage and the subsequent repair work that would follow.  
  
“The shortest distance between two points is a straight line,” Shepard argued, as she looked to Kaidan through her visor. Kaidan averted his eyes to the radar display and the signal from the distress beacon they were following.  
  
“Not if we break down half way there,” Garrus argued, and Kaidan snorted. He could feel Shepard glaring at him, and kept his eyes down.  
  
“I think you’re just upset you can’t drive because you don’t fit up front,” Shepard suggested as she turned hard to port, the back end of the Mako swung out wildly and Kaidan braced himself by holding the straps hanging from the ceiling.  
  
“No, I would be more than happy if Alenko drove,” Garrus suggested, “I would like the Mako to return to the Normandy in one piece for a change, is all.”  
  
“Then what would you do all day?” Shepard asked him as she looked at him in one of the mirrors. The Mako had become Garrus’s pet project while on the Normandy, and Kaidan had to admit it had never run better.  
  
“I am sure I could find something occupy my time, get caught up on messages, get a good night’s rest, leave the cargo bay for more than meal times,” Garrus listed a few of the things he hadn’t had much chance to do since joining the team. “It’s just… it is nice to know you’re not good at everything.”  
  
Kaidan lost it then, breaking into loud laughter and Garrus followed suit. He looked to Shepard out of the corner of his eye and was relieved to see she was laughing, too. “Fine!” She conceded, “From now on…” Her voice trailed off and her face fell as the breached a rocky hill. Kaidan and Garrus were still chuckling, until Kaidan noticed the way her back had stiffened, and her grip on the controls had tightened. “Shut up,” Her voice was quiet, yet stern. The Mako fell silent as they slowly rolled closer to the distress beacon. “Shit,” She said, throwing the Mako into reverse.  
  
“Commander?” Kaidan asked, and was surprised by the utter terror he saw in her eyes when she looked to him for a second. She stopped the Mako and turned to look out the front of the vehicle again, her breathing was heavy and her skin was slick with sweat.  
  
“Alenko, on thrusters; Vakarian, on guns,” She dictated and her voice left no room for questions, as Kaidan readied himself on the thruster controls, Garrus shifted behind them to look out the scope. “On my order,” Her words were quiet but hard, and she slowly drove the Mako back towards the beacon. As they reached it, they found a severely damaged ground vehicle, and about a dozen burned – no, not burned - melted corpses. They could feel the ground rumbling beneath the Mako up through their feet. Kaidan’s heart pounded wildly against his ribs. “Vakarian, get ready; stay on the scope, stay on the cannon but be ready with the guns. Alenko, be ready to jump,” As soon as the words left her lips, the ground erupted in front of them and they were faced with a sizeable Thresher Maw. To say it was massive and terrifying would be an understatement. It truly was a tangle of tentacles and teeth, and the screeching noice that left it was enough to curdle the blood pumping through Kaidan’s veins.  
  
Before the fear could settle in and take hold, Shepard threw the vehicle into reverse again and shouted, “Cannon!” Garrus let loose and the maw screamed when it made contact. The Mako rocked as she shifted and spun around the area, Garrus switched to the guns. The maw reared back, and Shepard spoke again, her voice emotionless, though Kaidan could feel the horrified energy rolling off her in waves, “Alenko, get ready,” She said as the maw let rip with a shot of acid and disappeared beneath the ground. Seconds before it would have hit them, Shepard shouted, “Now!” and Kaidan hit the thrusters allowing them to jump over it.  
  
As soon as the tires hit the ground, they were off again. They circled the area, waiting for the maw to reappear. It shot up, closer than they would have liked, and Garrus was able to hit it again with the cannon. It let out a scream Kaidan could feel rumbling through his core and Shepard barely steered them out of its way as it lashed out and attempted to crush them. “Alenko!” She shouted as she spun and, without a second thought, he hit the thrusters. The acid splashed up from where it hit the ground beneath them and spots on the bottom of the Mako melted away. The whole time, Garrus never stopped with the gun and he let a shot from the cannon rip as the maw started to descend. It screamed, and fell over.  
  
They had killed it. The silence that filled the vehicle was broken only by Garrus falling back into his seat and their deep ragged breathing. Shepard was still gripping the controls as she struggled to catch her breath. Kaidan could feel the erratic rhythm of her heartbeat as her biotic energy pulsed. He looked to her and could see her eyes pinched closed through her visor. He reached out and touched her shoulder. Reflexively, she swatted his hand away. She flung open the door allowing them all to exit. They kept their guns at the ready, though the odds of there being another maw on the planet were slim. By the size of the beast that lay dead behind them, it was an adult. Shepard crouched down and retrieved one of the dog tags from the body of the nearest soldier.  
  
“These are Kahoku’s men,” Kaidan stated unnecessarily as he moved to the next body and assisted Shepard in her task.  
  
“What the fuck were they doing here?” She asked and Garrus moved to study the distress beacon. Kaidan handed her the dog tags he had collected and she linked them together and held them tight in her hands. “Are they all accounted for?” She asked quietly, looking down at the metal in her fist.  
  
“Yes, Ma’am,” He answered grimly. When her eyes met his, he was stunned by the raw emotion he saw there. She was angry, desperate, deeply saddened and underneath all of that, she was utterly terrified. He knew there was nothing he could say, but he couldn’t look away either. She seemed so alone. Before he could say anything else, Garrus spoke up over their helmet comms.  
  
“It was a trap,” At the declaration, all but the anger disappeared as her gaze turned steely. She looked over Kaidan’s shoulder to Garrus who explained the beacon they had been following had been here before the attack. It was set here, on top of the maw’s nest to lure a responder.  
  
“Goddamn it!” She said as she whipped around and pulled out her pistol. She flashed blue for a second, and Kaidan felt a tingling rush of energy as his biotics answered hers. She fired a few shots at the beacon until it exploded. “Let’s go,” She said and led them to the Mako. She got in behind the wheel, and neither Kaidan nor Garrus commented. She radioed for Joker to pick them up, and steered away from the scene of the massacre.  
  
As the Mako slowly rolled over the hills, Kaidan was once again overwhelmed by the extreme shift in mood. “Uh, Commander?” Garrus asked after a tensely silent moment.  
  
“Yeah?” She replied, her tone hard and unyielding, hiding any emotion she was still feeling.  
  
“I think you’re a fantastic driver,” Garrus complimented, and Shepard let out one solitary chuckle, and the rest of the ride was silent while they awaited extraction. The Normandy picked them up, and they exited the Mako once it was secured in the cargo bay. Shepard moved over to Ashley’s station and noisily dropped her guns onto the counter before moving to her armor locker and whipping off the pieces and throwing them into the open locker to be taken care of later.  
  
Kaidan took his weapons to Ashley. “What happened?” she asked him, and he dismissed her question, telling her they would speak about it later. He voiced the unnecessary command for her to clean and repair their weapons, and she answered in the affirmative with a salute. The planet’s surface had been quite dusty, and the guns would need to be disassembled and cleaned before they could be used again without the fear of jamming. He decided he would come back down after filing his report and help her. This way he could fill her in as well.  
  
He turned to go to his locker and found Shepard struggling with a clasp on the back of her armor. Something about the pieces she had already removed, and the order in which she had unclasped the other closures made turning difficult. She may not have been visibly flaring, but he could sense she was close. He chewed the inside of his cheek as he walked over to her. As if she could feel his presence, she stopped and let her head fall to the locker. He reached out and undid the final clasp. She removed the chest piece and dropped it in her locker. She said nothing, just turned on her heel and stormed to the elevator. He watched her go, her fists clenched at her sides, body tense and eyes down.  
  
As soon as the elevator doors closed on her, the tension in the room was released like the air in a balloon. He sighed, and removed his own armor, stowing it in his locker before moving to Shepard’s and doing the same. He looked over his shoulder and saw Garrus already had the Mako on the lift so he could make repairs to its undercarriage, and Wrex was with Ashley at her station assisting with the weapons.  
  
Kaidan went to the elevator, and exited on the crew level. He went to his station and logged in. He synced his omni-tool to the console and started his reports. He saw Shepard had already contacted the Alliance to send a team to recover the bodies of Kahoku’s men. He checked the trajectory and saw they were headed for the Citadel. He assumed as much; Shepard would want to tell Kahoku in person. He finished his reports and submitted them just as Shepard thundered down the stairs and to her quarters. Her posture hadn’t changed since she’d left the cargo bay.  
  
Kaidan logged off the console and traced his steps to go back to assist Ashley with the weapons. When he reached her station, he noticed she and Wrex had already cleaned and repaired the bulk of them. Still, he pulled up a stool and joined them. “Hey, L.T.,” Ashley greeted him and he nodded in answer as he picked up a rifle and made quick work of disassembling it. “Garrus said there was a Thresher Maw?” She asked. Kaidan nodded and filled them in. Ashley let out a low whistle, and lifted her eyes to Kaidan’s. He knew she was thinking what he had been thinking since the beast reared its ugly head: Akuze.  
  
“Thresher Maws are nasty beasts. It’s impressive you were able to kill it,” Wrex offered, true admiration in his stony voice.  
  
“Shepard knew what she was doing,” Garrus said as he made his way over to the trio as Kaidan and Ashley reassembled the last of the weapons. Wrex looked at Garrus skeptically. “It seemed like she knew it was there before it revealed itself. It was like she could sense it, feel it,” Garrus went on to discuss her tactic for taking it down. Kaidan and Ashley exchanged glances. He was surprised when he realized they didn’t know the Commander’s history. He had thought it had been relatively public knowledge. Granted, it had no impact on Council space, it was strictly Alliance. While it was a story worth telling, but both Kaidan and Ashley knew it wasn’t their story to tell. They remained silent. Deftly, Ashley moved the conversation from Shepard and Thresher Maws to the beacon and why someone would want to lure anyone there.  
  
The next eighteen hours went by slowly, the intensity of the ship stifled the crew. It was later the next day when they were docking at the Citadel. Everyone was grateful when Shepard announced they had twelve hours of liberty, and everyone was anxious to get off the ship and enjoy the downtime. Shepard had reached out to a few contacts and found out that the Admiral had meetings at the Citadel Tower and she should be able to reach him there. Kaidan and Ashley were in the cockpit with Joker discussing their plans when Shepard joined them. The bridge fell silent as Ashley and Kaidan moved to stand at a relaxed attention.  
  
Shepard had stepped up next to Joker’s seat so she was slightly in front of Kaidan and Ashley. She was wearing her dress blues; the deep navy color with regal gold piping made her eyes pop, and Kaidan was lost in a moment as he admired the snug fit of the uniform. Ashley stepped on his foot, and he looked at her quickly before turning his gaze back out the viewport. Shepard cleared her throat, “Williams, Alenko,” she said turning to look at them.  
  
“Ma’am?” Ashley answered.  
  
“I know I gave everyone time off, but I would like both of you to accompany me to the Tower to speak with the Admiral before you take off,” It almost sounded like a request, but Kaidan knew an order when he heard one. They gave their affirmative response and turned on their heels to change into their own dress uniforms. It didn’t take long, and they met Shepard at the airlock. They were silent as they made their way through the Presidium.  
  
They reached the elevator, and Kaidan noticed Shepard’s hand shook slightly as she hit the control for the car. She clasped her hands behind her, resting them on the small of her back as they waited in silence. He noticed the dog tags they had retrieved were clenched tight in her fist. Why did it always seem like their trips to the Citadel were always clouded with anxiety and negative energy? They reached the Tower, and found the Admiral near the Council’s area.  
  
Kahoku’s face fell as soon as he saw the three of them headed his way. Shepard was respectful and honest as she broke the news to him about his crew; that they had been lured to their deaths by an Alliance distress beacon. He seemed slightly less surprised than Kaidan thought he would have been. He thanked her for looking into it, and for bringing him the tags and arranging their retrieval. He told her he had a few leads and would let her know if there was anything else she could do. She saluted, and he returned it before leaving them.  
  
A deep sigh rolled over her form and she turned to look at Ashley and Kaidan. “Alright, let’s get out of here.” Shepard led them back to the Normandy where they changed out of their uniforms and into civilian clothes. Kaidan was in the cockpit waiting on Ashley with Joker, trying to convince the pilot to join them.  
  
“Come on, Joker, you can’t stay cooped up here all the time. She’ll be fine without you for just a few hours,” Kaidan pressed and Joker opened his mouth to argue, but didn’t. He was looking passed Kaidan, and when Kaidan turned he saw Ashley headed their way.  
  
She wore a black skirt that was just long enough to brush her knees and just tight enough to show off her shapely legs. Her crimson top was loose and made of a delicate fabric that seemed to float around her, yet clung to her in all the right places as she walked. The cut of the sleeves allowed the top to hang off her shoulders in a way that drew your attention. She held a black clutch in her hand, and her heels matched her top and were high enough to make her taller than Kaidan. She ran a hand through her hair, and pushed it back over her shoulders, exposing her delicate neck. It was an action that would have betrayed insecurity on some women, but when Ashley did it, it was with a quiet confidence that made you feel special that she was even looking at you. Kaidan suddenly felt severely underdressed in his simple jeans and black shirt. The pause in the click of her heels caused Kaidan to look to her face, and see the smirk tugging at the corner of her glossed lips.  
  
Kaidan looked down to Joker, and chuckled at his expression. Ashley put her hand on her cocked hip before she spoke, her kohl rimmed eyes seemed deeper than he’d remembered, “Ready?” She asked, her tone soft and smoky. Kaidan nodded, and started to tell her Joker wasn’t coming when he was interrupted.  
  
“Yeah, I am. Grab my crutches, Alenko,” Joker asked and Kaidan grinned, as he handed them over and Joker stood. “Let’s go,” He said and started to make his way to the airlock. Kaidan gestured for Ashley to walk ahead of him and she nodded her thanks. When Kaidan turned to go to the airlock, he saw Shepard making her way towards them.  
  
She was dressed the exact opposite of Ashley. Ashley had dressed for attention. Shepard was hiding. She wore simple jeans and her combat boots with a plain grey hoodie and a black baseball cap. Her hands were tucked into the pockets of the sweatshirt and her hair was threaded through the back of the cap. Her head and eyes were down, and she slowed and paused as she reached the airlock as if by instinct.  
“Shepard,” He greeted and she looked up at him. Her eyes looked almost grey as they reflected her top, and the shade made her look sad. “Are you joining us?” He asked, trying to keep the optimism out of his tone.  
  
“Not tonight,” She answered shaking her head as they waited for the air to pressurize. Ashley and Joker were discussing the club they were going to, Flux, it was new and its reputation was cleaner than Chora’s Den, if only slightly.  
  
“Well, I’m glad to see you getting off the ship, at least. Getting some ground, or space station, beneath your feet,” Kaidan commented, and Shepard nodded.  
  
“Anderson’s got an apartment here. After the last couple days, well, I’m going to visit him for awhile,” She admitted, and then seemed conflicted as she worried her bottom lip. The doors to the Normandy opened allowing them off the ship and they made their way towards the elevator off the docks. She tore her eyes from his as they exited.  
  
“Commander Shepard!” A voice rang out across the dock, and he watched her shoulders fall momentarily, before she straightened and turned towards the caller. Ashley and Joker made it to the elevator and were holding it for them. Shepard took a few steps closer to the C-Sec officer who had called out to her, and Kaidan signaled for Ashley and Joker to go without him. He didn’t miss Ashley’s grin as she moved deeper into the elevator, and Joker moved his crutch to allow the elevator to close.  
  
Kaidan took a few steps closer to Shepard, and stood behind her, slightly to the right. Instinctively placing his folded hands behind him and standing straight. She turned and noticed him, and when she said nothing about him staying behind with her he took that as a good sign. “I’m Lieutenant Girard, with C-Sec, I am sorry to bother you but I have a delicate situation and I think you may be able to help.”  
  
“Are you going to tell me what it is? Or do I have to guess?” She asked, icy annoyance lacing her tone, and the Lieutenant looked a little taken aback.  
  
“Y-Yes, Ma’am, I’m sorry. There is a woman here. She was rescued from Batarian slavers a few weeks ago. She’s from… Mindoir. I guess, I guess she was taken in the raid on … your town,” He explained, and she moved her hands behind her, clasped behind her back – her knuckles were white.  
  
“She’s been a slave for the past thirteen years? Is she alright?” The Commander in her asked. Kaidan noticed a blue sheen form quickly over her clasped hands before it dissipated. He focused on remaining calm, and keeping his biotics from reacting to hers.  
  
“Not really, no. She’s pretty messed up,” Girard paused, and dropped his eyes as he continued, “She got free, somehow. She grabbed a gun from one of my guys. Now, she’s holed up on the docking bay,” He gestured to the neighboring bay, “She says she wants to die. I was… I was hoping you would talk to her. I know it’s a long shot, but you went through the same thing: The raid. I think, maybe, you could talk her out of her tree,” He suggested, sounding hopeful.  
  
“Lead the way, Lieutenant,” She agreed, and turned to Kaidan. She nodded for him to follow along and he did. “Alenko, did you bring a weapon?” She asked him as they followed Girard’s quick steps from one bay to the other. He told her he did as he patted the holster under his jacket. She nodded as they reached the area that had been cornered off by C-Sec.  
  
“Anything you could do would be great,” Girard said as they reached the edge of the area. “I don’t want to… uh… she’s been through enough. She’s behind those shipping containers. I have snipers in position but I don’t think we’ll need them. She’s only a danger to herself,” He held out a hypodermic needle filled with a dose of a magenta drug. “We have a sedative to calm her down, but we can’t get close enough to her. Every time we try, she gets more wound up.”  
  
Shepard took the needle and handed it to Kaidan. “Tell your men to stand by,” She said to Girard before turning to Kaidan. “I’m going to go talk to her. I don’t know how she’s going to react to me, but I know if I go at her with drugs or guns she’ll lose it. Stay close,” She said and he nodded, “And be ready.”  
  
“I’ve got your six, Shepard,” Kaidan promised, and was surprised by the sad smile that tugged at her full lips as their eyes locked for a long second before she turned. He followed her, as they moved closer to the girl.  
  
She was young, and could have been pretty if she wasn’t so thin and clearly broken. She was bruised. Her head was shaved and her eyes were wild. Her thin lips were pulled back in an insane grimace. “S-Stop! What do you—what are you?” She said, her voice high pitched and wild like her eyes. She waved the gun towards the two of them, and Kaidan slid his hand under the opposite arm and unlatched the holster so he could pull the gun quickly if he needed to.  
  
“My name is Sloan, Lieutenant Girard sent me to talk to you. What is your name?” Shepard asked softly. Suddenly, Kaidan could imagine a fifteen year old Shepard, arguing with her parents about getting a gun, comforting her younger brother who had skinned a knee, running and laughing through the fields of Mindoir without a care in the world. Kaidan had always prized himself on his ability to see an individual instead of a species, but in this moment, he hated Batarians. He hated them for what they had done to this girl, for what they had taken from Shepard.  
  
“Animals don’t get names,” The girl answered quietly, her eyes, and the gun, dropping momentarily as she spoke, “The Masters put their symbols on her. Hot metal all over her back. She screams when they do it,” Her voice trembled, and she swayed on her feet. She was clearly exhausted.  
  
“You’re not an animal,” Shepard promised, keeping her tone even and gentle. “Your parents? Do you remember them?” She asked her, and the girls eyes filled with tears. That was enough of an answer for Shepard. “What did they call you?”  
  
“She remembers… a lot of things. They call her Talitha,” She answered, then her voice hardened again and she lifted the gun, “Sh-She doesn’t remember the rest! Leave her alone!” Kaidan swallowed hard as the gun wavered in Talitha’s hand.  
  
“I’m going to take a step towards you now, alright?” Shepard asked her, and paused for two heartbeats. Talitha did not lower the gun, but she didn’t fire either. Shepard stepped closer.  
  
“No! She’s no good! You don’t want her! Don’t want to be handled again!” Talitha screamed, her entire body trembled.  
  
“I was on Mindoir, too. My parents died in the raid. My brother was taken,” Shepard spoke over the girl’s yell and Talitha tilted her head and squinted her dark brown eyes at Shepard.  
  
“Lying. You’re lying. You get hit for lying. Get the buzz or the burning. Can’t be there,” Talitha’s voice held her disbelief, then hardened as she pointed the gun at Shepard’s face again. Kaidan’s hand twitched near his weapon, but Shepard gave him the slightest hand signal to wait and he did. “Why are you alive? Why are you – why aren’t you like her? Broken. Only fit to dig and carry.” It was like Talitha suddenly realized the injustice of it all.  
  
Shepard’s resolve broke for a moment, Kaidan could feel it. “For awhile, I was broken,” her voice was quiet, and Talitha had to take a small step closer to Shepard to hear her. The gun was lowered again, and Kaidan released a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. “I lost everything, too, Talitha. I lost my whole family, my friends… my childhood, but you know what?” Shepard asked, and kept her eyes on the girls. She waited a few seconds before she continued, “I had to pull myself up, and keep going.”  
  
“You lose your Mommy and Daddy, but you don’t dig. You don’t carry. You stand up…” Talitha’s eyes fell down and she whispered. “She wishes she could stand up.”  
  
“What happened to your parents, Talitha?” Shepard asked, already knowing the answer from experience but needing Talitha to say it. Talitha’s eyes closed and she swayed again.  
  
“There’s – she sees them. They’re yelling. ‘RUN! HIDE!’ They hit the masters, but, the masters, they have lights and… and hoses. Daddy’s – He’s melting! Sh-She doesn’t want to see that! Don’t make her look! Don’t look! Stupid! Stupid!” Talitha raised the gun, and pointed it at nothing.  
  
“I know that it hurts, Talitha. I don’t like thinking about it either, but if you talk about it, it will hurt less. I promise,” Shepard said, her voice thick with emotion and Kaidan felt a twist in his core as he listened to her words.  
  
“When she thinks, water comes out of her eyes. The masters beat her when she wastes water. So she doesn’t think anymore. She sees them. Mommy and Daddy,” Talitha paused and looked up to Shepard. The pain and loneliness in her eyes naked for the world to see. “burning in the white light. Melting. Going to pieces. They can’t even say anything to her. Can’t say goodbye. They’re dead, Sloan. They try to save her, and the masters burn them…” Tears fall from Talitha’s eyes and the gun falls to her side, her fingers barely holding on to the grip. “Can she stop remembering now? Please?”  
  
Shepard nodded, and spoke gently, “I’m going to take another step closer now, alright?” She asked her, knowing the situation had been diffused but not wanting to set her off again. Kaidan closed the latch on his holster and stayed still. Talitha nodded. Shepard took that step closer, and wrapped her arms around the broken girl.  
  
Talitha started to struggle against her, “Don’t touch her! Please! She’s dirty! You’ll catch it!” Shepard ignored her, if anything, holding her tighter; letting the security of her embrace ease the girl. They heard the gun fall to the ground at their feet and Shepard kicked it away. Kaidan picked it up, activated the safety and tucked it into the back of his pants. Talitha lifted her arms and wrapped them around Shepard. So tight, Kaidan could see the tension in her arms. “She doesn’t want to be there anymore. In the pens. In the cages. Lying quiet while they do things to her.” Shepard sighs and lifts a hand to cup the back of the girls head as she buries her face in Shepard’s shoulder. Shepard starts to hum a gentle tune Kaidan remembers from his own childhood.  
  
It is a long while before Shepard speaks again. Talitha’s sobs have grown quiet, and she is breathing steadily. Now, she just looks tired. “Talitha,” She said softly as she pulled back to look into the girl’s face. “My friend Kaidan has some medicine that will help you sleep,” There was something about the way his name sounded in her voice that made his pulse jump. It was a pleasant sensation, and he immediately felt guilty for enjoying it in the midst of the situation. “When you fall asleep, Lieutenant Girard will take you to some place where you can get better,” Shepard promised, and Kaidan took a step closer to them. Talitha’s eyes flicked to him and back to Shepard.  
  
“Will she have bad dreams?” Talitha whispered.  
  
“No, Talitha,” She said as she stepped away and let Kaidan in, her arm still around Talitha’s shoulders, supporting her, “You’ll dream of a warm, safe place, and when you wake up, you’ll be there.” Kaidan slid the needle into Talitha’s arm, and watched as her eyes glazed over. His own eyes flicked to Shepard’s haunted cerulean gaze. She looked almost as tired as Talitha did.  
  
“She’d like that, it hurts when she – when I remember me, but she wants to remember,” Talitha was mumbling as she finally fell asleep. Shepard and Kaidan slowly lowered her to the ground. Once she was down, Shepard avoided looking at Kaidan. She stood and marched over to Lieutenant Girard with Kaidan at her heels. She told him she let them give her the injection, and Kaidan surrendered the confiscated weapon. Lieutenant Girard thanked them, and Shepard gave a nod and couldn’t seem to leave the bay fast enough. Kaidan caught up to her at the elevator.  
  
They stood and waited in silence. She was trembling. The elevator arrived and opened and they entered. She stood still as a statue with her head and eyes down. He reached out and pressed the call button for the floor they needed. The elevator rose and the silence was broken only by the advertisement blaring over the speakers. He could feel the silence stifling her. He could feel how hard it was for her to breathe. He didn’t know what to say, or what to do. He was close enough that the rampant energy racing through her veins was causing the hairs on his arm to stand straight. With a gentle twitch, his hand brushed against hers at her side. A heartbeat later, before he realized it was happening, her hand was wrapped around his. Hard. Like she was holding on for her life, afraid of being swept away by the current Talitha’s experience pushed her into. He held her hand as the elevator lifted them, in silence. There were no words for this moment, he realized that now. There was just her hand in his. It would have to be enough.  
  
They reached their floor in silence. She dropped his hand as quickly as she had taken it. She turned towards him after they had stepped off the elevator and her glistening eyes met his. They stood just outside the open door, and stared at each other for a long hard moment. There was noise now; the ambient noise of the lobby of C-Sec academy. Her eyes were warm, and she was chewing her lip. He was intrigued, again, by all the emotions he saw warring in her. There was so much more to her than he ever imagined, and he was only scratching the surface of who she was. He hoped he would have the time to learn more, and that she would let him. Then, without warning, she turned on her heel and left him standing there. He watched her go. His hand flexed open and squeezed closed at his side. He could still feel her hand in his, cold and desperate. He watched her until she was lost in a sea of people. He buried his hands in his jacket pockets and let a sigh rip from the center of him. He wanted to follow her, instead he turned and went to meet the rest of the crew at Flux. She was going to be okay, she would be with Anderson. That would have to be enough.


	15. Chapter 15

  
Kaidan made it to the club faster than he thought he would, but he attributed that to the fact that he was quite distracted. His hand felt cool, like Shepard was still holding it. It had been an interesting sensation. It seemed as if the few times he had touched her hands, they had been cool but there was something intriguing about the way his biotics reacted to hers. It had been a long time since he had felt an attraction to a fellow biotic, truthfully, he avoided it. Still, he didn’t remember this type of reaction to Rahna. Though, he was still a kid when he had known Rahna. He sighed, this line of thought was bound to give him a headache.  
  
Luckily, the pounding beat and flashing lights distracted him when he entered the club and he went directly to the bar. He ordered a drink, simply asking for something that closely resembled whiskey. He hadn’t had good whiskey since the last time he visited his parent’s home on Earth. He sipped the beverage and found it to be deliciously smoky and it burned his throat pleasantly on the way down. He turned his back to the bar and scanned the crowd searching for familiar faces.  
  
He spotted Joker with Garrus, Tali and Wrex at a table off to the side of the dance floor. Behind them, there was a table of Engineers from the Normandy. There was a group that worked linguistics in the back corner of the room, and a group of Presley’s navigation staff were sitting near them. His eyes continued over the crowded club, and he noticed Ashley on the dance floor. She was alone and her body moved seductively with the music. He started moving towards Joker’s table when he noticed they were looking towards Ashley and chuckling. As he walked, he looked over his shoulder and saw a scantily clad Asari making her way closer to Ashley. It was clear the Asari was interested, and it was even clearer that Ashley wasn’t. She may have been willing to work with aliens, that didn’t mean she wanted to dance with them.  
  
Ashley’s eyes met his, and she pleaded silently for his help. Kaidan set his drink on the table with Joker and the others, “You guys are assholes.” The table laughed and Kaidan moved over to Ashley. He went up behind her, and met the Asari’s eyes over her shoulder. Without looking away, he slid his arm possessively around her slender waist and pulled her flush against the front of him. He felt her sigh, and she slid her hand along his forearm and he turned them around so his back was to the Asari as they continued to move to the pounding beat of the music.  
  
She was softer than he had thought she would have been after seeing her in full armor and handling the heavy rifles she preferred. She turned around and leaned over and kissed his cheek, his hands still on her hips and hers on his arms. “Thank you,” She said with a grin. “Those pricks at the table are useless!”  
  
“I just think they were enjoying the show,” Kaidan replied and she rolled her eyes as the music changed, and they moved closer as they danced. Ashley was an attractive woman, there was no denying that. In another time, Kaidan may have taken advantage of this opportunity. This time, though, his mind drifted back to the elevator, and the look in Shepard’s eyes before they parted ways. He was distracted, and the look on Ashley’s face told him it wasn’t lost on her.  
  
“You know, Alenko,” Ashley said, just loud enough for him to hear and bringing him back to their dance, “I have three sisters, and no brothers.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Yeah, so I’ve never danced with a brother, but I imagine this is exactly what it would feel like,” She said, her eyes twinkled with amusement and he dropped his head as he laughed before pulling her in for a hug which she returned. He was surprised, pleasantly, at the friendship that had grown between Ashley and himself. She was able to read him in a way few people could. He was glad it wasn’t muddled with sexual tension. Her company was easy and comfortable.  
  
“Well, at least you know your virtue is safe with me,” Kaidan spoke into her ear through his laughter and she pulled back letting her hands fall to his and they stopped dancing. She squeezed his hands and grinned up at him.  
  
“Kaidan, I think any woman’s virtue would be safe with you,” Ashley teased back and he chuckled before leading her off the dance floor. At this point, as much as he hated to admit it, she was right. She glared at Joker as they reached the table, “Thanks for all your help, ass,” She shot at the pilot as Kaidan pulled her chair out for her before he sat and lifted his own drink.  
  
“What did you want me to do? Break my arm at her?” Joker defended himself, he had a point. By the time he would have gotten his crutches and gotten over to her it would have been too late to avoid the confrontation.  
  
“So, Ash, three sisters?” Kaidan asked, changing the topic, as he took another drink. He enjoyed the warmth as it traveled down his throat and spread across his shoulders and chest.  
  
“Is that who you get all the messages from?” Wrex asked. Everyone, at some point, had overheard Ashley’s vids at the gun station. She liked to listen to her mail while she worked.  
  
A lovely smile spread over her face, “Yeah, three sisters, no brothers-“  
  
“Your poor father!” Joker interrupted, laughing.  
  
Ashley smiled brightly, it was clear she cared about her family a great deal, “Yeah, with four girls dad used to say he felt more outnumbered at home than out on maneuvers.” Joker asked where she fell in the lineup, “I’m the oldest, then Abby, then Lynn. Sarah’s the youngest, she’s still in high school. What about you L.T., you have any siblings?”  
  
“No,” Kaidan answered shaking his head, “I’m an only child, but I was close with some cousins growing up.” That had changed after the biotics kicked in. Most people were afraid of him once it got out that he had the ability. One would think family would be able to see passed it. It took a long time for his extended family to feel comfortable around him again.  
  
“You didn’t miss out on much. Younger siblings are a pain in the ass,” Joker answered, “I’ve got a little sister; she’s 12. She was cute when she was younger, but damn now she just grates on my nerves!”  
  
“Ah, you’ll get past it,” Garrus commented. “I’ve got a sister, too, I’ve been there. She’ll grow up and settle down and you’ll like her again. Remember, she’ll be the only one on your side when it’s time to gang up on your parents.”  
  
“Yeah, we’ll see,” Joker finished his drink, “but I’m not holding my breath.”  
  
“Don’t take her for granted, Joker. I’ve always wanted a sister, but unfortunately, it wasn’t allowed,” Tali added quietly. Ashley’s voice was surprised when she asked why. Kaidan was startled to learn the Quarians had to petition for the right to have children. It made sense though, population control would have to be monitored closely on the Flotilla. “Hopefully, someday, we’ll have Rannoch back and we won’t have to be worried about it.” Tali commented, wistfully. Kaidan wanted to hope it would be a possibility, but Rannoch was occupied by the geth and had been for the last 300 years. It would take a massive attack, or a full on war, to take back the homeworld; like Tali said, though, hopefully someday.  
  
The night melted away with drinks and laughter. Kaidan found he was truly enjoying himself. They spoke of family; Kaidan’s parents in Vancouver, Joker’s father and sister on the colony Tiptree, Ashley’s father had passed away, but not before saluting the daughter that had outranked him. Garrus’s father didn’t approve of his leaving C-Sec, but his sister backed him. Wrex’s history with his family was strained to say the least, having killed his own father, and they were all shocked to learn that Tali was the daughter of an Admiral within the Fleet. This only made the Fleet’s expectation of her and her Pilgrimage that much greater. As the night wound down, Kaidan was glad they had the opportunity for this. For a crew to work well together, it was good to know what motivated them; to know what they were fighting for. The fact that they could relate to each other across species lines over something as basic as family was unexpected, yet refreshing to Kaidan.  
  
Wrex had gone to the bar when he saw a familiar face. Tali and Garrus had gone back to the ship already; the bar had run out of dextro alcohol. This left Kaidan with Joker and Ashley at the table. Kaidan had paid the tab, and they were finishing up the last round when Joker turned to Ashley. His voice had a fun slur to it and Kaidan grinned. “So, Ashley, if your sisters are anything like you I bet they get into a lot of trouble back home. I think I know where I’m going to take my next leave,” Joker teased, and she declared he wouldn’t have a chance with any of them. “I couldn’t even get a pity date? Someone to show the cripple around town?”  
  
“You wouldn’t even register on their radar,” She added, as she toyed with her straw.  
  
“Alright, not their radar? But maybe… nevermind,” He said, and Kaidan watched as Ashley blushed and Joker finished his drink. “Man, it got late fast,” Joker commented changing the subject and checking his ‘tool. Kaidan chuckled and knocked back the rest of his drink. He stood, and pulled out Ashley’s chair for her. She smiled up at him and he fetched Joker’s crutches from behind the bar.  
  
Joker struggled when he stood, his leg brace had come loose during the night. Kaidan had offered to help, but Joker cursed at him, insisting he didn’t it. So, Ashley and Kaidan were standing off to the side waiting for Joker to make the necessary adjustment. “He doesn’t like needing help,” Ashley commented absently. “He’s afraid he’ll be seen as a burden. I told him, there is no one who can handle the Normandy better than he can. She dances when he’s at the helm, still, he’s so damn stubborn,” She turned her attention away from Joker, and Kaidan bumped his hip into hers. She looked up at his smirking face and rolled her eyes with a simple chuckle. “Yeah, I know, you don’t have to say anything, Alenko,” she answered simply and he laughed.  
  
“Alright, let’s get out of here,” Joker declared as he made his way over to them. Their walk back to the ship was slow going. Between the pace they needed to keep for Joker, and the fun buzz they were experiencing they let themselves take their time. They had a few hours left before they shipped out again, just enough time to sleep it off.  
  
As they made their way through the station, Kaidan’s thoughts slipped back to Shepard and he dug his hands deep into his pockets. He knew he didn’t have to worry about her. She had already survived a lot, but the desperation she had emitted was unnerving. He just hoped she was getting whatever it was that she needed from Anderson. He felt the growl of irrational jealousy deep in his core, and sighed. Kaidan let himself fall behind Ashley and Joker, to give them the illusion of privacy. He couldn’t hear what they were saying, but he could hear that Joker was making her laugh. When she laughed, Joker would look at her and watch the way the grin would spread across her face and she would laugh, unafraid of who would hear. Her eyes twinkling mischievously. Kaidan liked the way Joker looked at her. He suddenly felt like he was a chaperone at his little sister’s school dance.  
  
They reached the elevator at C-Sec academy that would take them down to the docking bay and the three of them piled in. Once they reached the bay, they moved quickly and quietly to the airlock, the soft buzzing in their ears from the club’s music was a pleasant reminder of the fun they had. They entered and started the decontamination process. Ashley placed her hand over Joker’s on his crutch as she leaned over to take off her shoes. It was brief, but Kaidan noticed Joker stood a little taller at the contact. She wasn’t afraid to touch him; she wasn’t afraid she would break him. Once the decontamination was complete, they went down to the crew deck together.  
  
They said goodnight at the mess as they went their separate ways. Kaidan logged into his terminal to check his messages. He deleted a few that weren’t worth his time. He opened the one from his mother and read it as he removed his coat. She was hoping he would be able to stop home soon. She is always hoping he will be able to stop home. She had written about the Orchard, and how the crops had been. She told him his father was well. She ended the message by informing him she had someone she wanted to introduce him to. She had to know the prospect of a set-up was enough to keep him away. He sighed, and replied without giving her an answer to the request for a visit, and told her he loved her and he was safe.  
  
He made his way to the showers, knowing it would help him sleep. Afterwards, he drank a large glass of water before climbing into his sleeper pod. He turned off the small light, and closed his eyes. Unbidden, thoughts of Shepard came to the forefront again. He saw her standing before him, outside the elevator. She was looking up at him, and she seemed so fragile. He remembered the way his name had sounded when she spoke it. It was his new favorite sound. Thankfully, he drifted off quickly while trying not to think about Shepard.


	16. Chapter 16

Kaidan was in the co-pilot’s seat with Joker early the next morning when Shepard returned to the ship. He kept his eyes on the console as Shepard moved and stood behind the pilot’s chair. “Set a course for Noveria,” She ordered, and Kaidan hazarded a glance over his shoulder. She was standing at parade rest; back straight, hands folded behind her. She looked refreshed but still tense, and she kept her eyes glued to Joker’s console as he pulled the ship away from the docks. Kaidan blamed the flash of vertigo on the ship moving away from the station and nothing else. He looked back to his console, “Travel time?” She asked Joker.  
  
“Ah, eighteen hours,” Joker replied, sounding slightly distracted though still professional.  
  
“Very well,” Shepard answered, “When we reach the Pax system it will be the middle of their night. So, we’ll have a few hours before we can land. I’d like you to scan the nearby planets on the way. Engineer Adams was looking for some raw materials. Get with him and see what you can find,” She ordered.  
  
“Yes, ma’am,” Joker answered, sounding a little put off by the coldness in her tone.  
  
”Alenko, gather up the team and meet me in the comm room,” She dictated and Kaidan didn’t look at her, yet he could feel her gaze burning into his back. He answered in the affirmative and felt the heaviness of her presence for another moment before she left them alone.  
  
“Wonder what crawled up her ass,” Joker muttered, and Kaidan offered no response as he sent the message to Williams and the others. He stood to leave and Joker wished him luck as he left the cockpit to make his way through the CIC. He felt unreasonably anxious. He tried not to let himself dwell on Shepard’s attitude; which was easier said than done. As he reached the comm room, the rest of the group were coming up from the stairs. They were quiet as they entered and took their seats. Ashley sent a curious look towards Kaidan, who shrugged minimally. Shepard was facing away from them, dressed in her BDUs and her back was hunched as she leaned over with her hands on the control console.  
  
There was a thick silence in the room, and the group exchanged anxious glances and fidgeted as they waited for Shepard to speak. She turned then, folded her arms over her midsection, and leaned back. “The Council has reports of geth on Noveria, so we’re heading there to look into it,” Shepard informed them, “Alenko and Tali, I’ve reviewed the reports you’ve already submitted. Now, I’d like you to work together and combine all the information we have on the geth. Also, see if there isn’t more information out there. The geth are not moving around without being seen. I would like you to focus your search on what other technology they may have so we’re not so surprised,” She ordered and Kaidan looked to the Quarian who nodded. He knew Tali and he already had a lot of information together, but it did seem as if every time they encountered them there were new machines with different tactics. “Williams, Noveria is frozen, and barely habitable. I need the weapons checked and modified to ensure they won’t freeze up while we’re planetside. Wrex, if you wouldn’t mind assisting her,” They looked to each other, shifting in their seats and nodded. “Vakarian…”  
  
“Yeah, yeah, the Mako,” He nodded, his tone less than enthused, and waved her off. Shepard’s face broke into a seemingly affectionate smile and Kaidan felt a rush of warmth through his center. He watched as she turned her attention to Liara and when her eyes reached the Asari, her face lost all traces of humor. Kaidan felt his anxiety return tenfold.  
  
“Liara,” Shepard’s voice was gentle, and the Asari’s eyes lifted quickly to meet hers. “There are also reports of an Asari Matriarch at the compound.”  
  
“Benezia,” Liara breathed out her mother’s name and Shepard nodded.  
  
“I would like to bring you with me planetside. If she is there, maybe you’ll be able to reason with her,” Shepard said and Liara was nodding as her face paled to a dusty light blue. “I need to know, though, before it’s even an issue, if it comes down to shooting me or shooting your mother… I need to know I’m not going to end up with a bullet in my back,” Shepard stated, without removing her eyes from Liara’s face. It wasn’t even a question; not really, Shepard was just stating a fact. There was a dense tension in the air as they waited for Liara’s answer.  
  
“Yes, Shepard, you can trust me. Benezia may be my mother, but she is not acting like the woman who raised me. I do not know who she is anymore. I am on your side. You can trust me,” She answered and her voice held more conviction than anyone had expected and Kaidan felt bolstered by it as he looked back to Shepard.  
  
“Okay,” Shepard said and nodded after a long, silent moment; her eyes moving over the group. “Due to the compound’s restrictions, I can only take one other person with me. I don’t like being told I have to leave most of my crew on the ship, but we need to avoid an incident. That being said, Alenko, it has to be you. I’ll need your tech and I can’t reasonably leave behind the medic,” She ordered with an unexpected explanation which muzzled Ashley’s forthcoming argument.  
  
“Yes, Ma’am,” He answered as her eyes finally met his, and he was surprised when he thought he saw a flash of humor behind them at the formal response. After an all too brief connection, she turned her attention back to the group. She dismissed the room, and turned her back again lifting her omni-tool. The group left and went together down to the crew deck.  
  
“Kaidan,” Tali’s trill rang out behind him as he reached the bottom of the stairs. He stopped and looked over his shoulder before turning the rest of the way towards her. “Did you want to come down to Engineering or should I come up here?” She asked him. He gestured to the seats behind his console and suggested they work up here, where it was quieter and she agreed. “I’ll run down and get my datapads. I’ll be back in a few,” He nodded and offered her a smile as she bounced away. She had really come out of her shell. Shepard was right. It had done her good to give her a way to contribute more directly to the hunt for Saren.  
  
He reached his console and powered it up, syncing his omni-tool and opening the files he had already gathered. He thought about the information they had just been given. He wondered if the mission on Noveria would escalate the way Shepard thought it would; if Benezia would actually raise a weapon to her daughter. He had to admit, when she had started talking about only being able to take one other person with her, he was surprised by the anxiety he had felt. He didn’t think he could sit still if she had left him behind. He had grown accustomed to watching her back during the missions and he didn’t trust anyone else to do it. The thought of someone else standing in his spot behind her made his stomach roll.  
  
He smelled her before he heard her, and breathed deep the light floral scent before he lifted his eyes and saw Shepard heading his way. She stopped in front of him, and he turned to face her, “Shepard,” He greeted gently. Her face remained passive when she told him she was just checking in. “Everything’s fine. Do you have a minute?” He asked her, searching her face for something. He wasn’t even sure what he was looking for, she just seemed so detached.  
  
“Sure, what can I do for you?” She asked him, looking almost pointedly over his shoulder instead of at him directly. He gestured to the seats behind his station. They sat, and she kept her body faced away from him and leaned forward resting her arms on her knees, her hands clasped in front of her. She kept her eyes down. She was being attentive but not connecting, and the frustration burned in his chest. He voiced the question that had been on his mind since the meeting: if she truly believed they would have to kill Benezia. She was silent for a minute, and then turned just her head to look at him, “At this point, I’d just as soon kill everyone and sort it out after,” She admitted, a frozen severity coating her tone. He stared at her, surprised by her answer. He was taken aback by the honesty in her tone.  
  
“Do you mean that?” He asked her quietly, and instantly her face softened and her shoulders dropped slightly. It was like she had surrendered to something. She turned in her seat to face him, bringing one leg up underneath her.  
  
“No… Yes... Maybe sometimes,” She answered with a deep sigh, the indecision shone brightly in her eyes when they finally met his. “Yes, I think it’s possible we will have to kill Benezia and as much as I want to believe Liara I don’t know if I can trust her in that moment. It’s her mother,” She looked away from him again and shrugged, “I spoke with Anderson some more and I just have a sinking feeling that it’s going to come down to a fight to the death,” She answered, “and while I don’t enjoy killing people, I don’t plan on losing.” Her hands were twisting in her lap, an unnatural sign of nerves.  
  
He chewed the inside of his cheek as he considered his words, “One thing the situation with Vyrnnus taught me is to always leave a way out,” She looked up at him again, “He cut corners, and the kids he was there to teach suffered. Just remember, that when you cut corners it’s not always clear who ends up paying for it. Remember to leave yourself a way out,” His voice was quiet, he knew, but it sounded loud in his ears as she held his gaze.  
  
“Do you think I’m cutting corners or … is there something I can do to help you get over that stuff with BAaT? I guess I don’t understand your point,” She admitted softly, her brow creased.  
  
“No, Shepard, I’m thirty-two. You don’t serve as long as I have without coming to terms with yourself. I’m saying I agree with you and when the shit hits the fan, I want you to know I’m here to help you,” He paused, and waited a heated moment before he leaned in closer to her, his voice dropping slightly in volume and timbre, “I’m saying, when someone special to you is up on a ledge, you help them. You try to keep them from making mistakes,” He explained his motives, and realized he may have said too much as her eyes shot down and she picked at a torn cuticle.  
  
“Special, huh?” She asked quietly, her voice almost hoarse, as if his words confirmed a suspicion. He studied her profile while she kept her eyes on her hands.  
  
“If I’m out of line, just say the word,” He said just as softly, offering her the out. He wished she would look at him. He wished he could watch her reaction to his admission. His hand itched to reach out and lift her face towards his, to make her look at him, to feel her soft skin in his hands again.  
  
“You’re not out of line, it’s just…”  
  
“Kaidan, are you ready to – Oh! Commander,” Tali had returned with her arms full of datapads and Kaidan’s heart was pounding wildly against his ribs when he realized what Shepard had been saying. He silently cursed the Quarian’s timing and when Kaidan looked up at her, she nearly dropped everything she was holding. He stood quickly and caught them. “Sorry, I can come back,” She offered shyly as Shepard stood and Kaidan turned towards the Commander, hoping his frustration wasn’t plainly written on his face.  
  
“No, it’s fine. We’ll talk later, Alenko,” She said and forced a smile. He asked her to think about what he said and she promised she would. She turned on her heel and disappeared into her quarters. Kaidan sighed but not loudly and turned his attention back to Tali who had already started talking about the information stored on the datapads and the best way to combine everything to make it as accessible as possible, even in battle. She was completely oblivious to the weight of the conversation she had interrupted. Kaidan wondered absently when later would be.  
  
As he worked with Tali, he had to admit he was constantly surprised by her vast knowledge and found he appreciated her enthusiasm like a breath of fresh spring air after a long harsh winter. It wasn’t just knowledge of the geth, either. She had written a program that would scan their systems and combine the information for them while they continued to actively research more sightings. They discussed the code she had created. The amount of work the program could do with such a simple code amazed Kaidan. As they reached the end of their research, she started their standard debate on omni-tools and which company had the best model.  
  
The day had passed by quickly with the day shift ending a couple hours earlier. Kaidan and Tali had eaten dinner while working at his station. They were proud to admit they were able to dig up some additional information on geth they hadn’t encountered yet. They submitted the results of their work to Shepard and shortly after had received a response by message that simply read, “Nice Work – Shep.” At that, Tali had taken her leave and went back down to engineering. Once the task was deemed complete, he had gone down to the cargo bay for a work out.  
  
With the distraction of his assignment over, he stressed over the last conversation he had with Shepard. He wondered if he had gone too far, but there was nothing he could do about it now. He had simply vocalized things he was sure she had already been aware of. She is special to him; she is his CO. Maybe he could plausibly deny any other meaning. He knew it would be fruitless, he wasn’t that difficult to read. With a frustrated grunt, he finished his sets with the free weights and went to the crew deck for a quick shower. He washed quickly within the time he was allowed and, thankfully, it was long enough to relax his overworked muscles. Once he finished in the showers, he made his way over to his locker. On his way his stomach growled loudly and he realized how much time had passed since dinner. Between his biotic appetite and the workout, he would need to refuel before he would be able to sleep. Unfortunately, the mess sergeant had closed down the kitchen and gone to bed.  
  
He opened the small fridge and found some version of steak and genetically engineered potatoes and vegetables. He wondered for a moment if it would be missed, and then decided he would risk it. There wasn’t much left, and as he considered the meals they had this week he assumed it was most likely leftovers from the stew they had for lunch the day before. With a mischievous grin, he pulled the ingredients out and set them on the counter. He found a few spices, a frying pan and a knife and went to work on the small meal. He was able to not think for a while as he focused on preparing the food. The sizzle of the meat in the pan and the aromas of the vegetables and spices made his mouth water.  
  
He poured the mix into a large bowl and turned, “Got enough to share with your fellow biotic?” Shepard asked from her spot leaning against the wall at the entrance to the kitchen area. Kaidan nearly dropped the bowl of food. She laughed softly, and her eyes sparkled as she walked towards the counter.  
  
“I guess this means I won’t be written up for taking the extra food?” He asked as he turned around to grab another bowl. When he turned towards her again, he watched her eyes return to his face from his torso and he felt his pulse pause as he remembered he was in a faded, worn out Alliance tank top and his sleeping shorts which hung loosely off his hips. When their eyes locked, her lip was pinched between her teeth, and he let himself smirk. His eyes moved, shamelessly, down to her clothes. She was back in her sweat suit, though the hoodie was unzipped and revealed a loose fitting Alliance issue top that hung low on her chest. It showed enough to be enticing without being inappropriate. Her hair was twisted in a loose, messy braid and pulled forward over one shoulder. She sat, and when his eyes moved back to her face, he was pleased with the gentle blush that adorned her cheeks. He set the bowl and fork down in front of her before sitting across from her.  
  
“I won’t tell if you won’t tell,” She whispered as she lifted her fork. They paused, eyes locked for a long moment. He knew the statement had been about the food, though he felt his heart jump at the innuendo.  
  
“Scout’s honor,” He promised, his voice husky, and she dropped her eyes to the meal. He watched as she pierced a chunk of red meat and lifted it to her full lips. She blew lightly on the food, and he felt almost jealous as her lips touched the steak to test the temperature. He swallowed hard as he watched her mouth take in the forkful of food, her eyes closed and a quiet moan left her. His lips turned up in a smile as her jaw worked. When her eyes opened and found his, he dropped them to his own food and he joined her in eating.  
  
“Where did you learn to cook?” She asked him, speaking delicately around a mouthful of food as she stood and went to the fridge. He turned and watched her over his shoulder as she squatted and dug around towards the back of the appliance. She pulled out a carton and set it on the empty countertop before reaching high for two glasses. Her shirt rode up on her midsection as she stood on her toes and reached. Kaidan admired the flash of pale skin before she brought her arms down, this time unaware of his appraisal. She filled them each half way before returning the carton to its hiding place in the back of the fridge. She turned and set one of the glasses down in front of him on the counter and sipped the white liquid as she walked around to her seat.  
  
“Classes at BAaT,” He confessed quickly, his tone curious. “What is-“  
  
“Milk,” She interrupted him.  
  
“Real milk? From a cow?” He asked, incredulously, as he lifted the glass to his lips and sipped. She raised an eyebrow and he closed his eyes as the ice cold, thick beverage coated his tongue and did something amazing to the spices from the meal he had already eaten.  
  
“Being the first human Spectre has its advantages,” She said as she shrugged her eyebrows and he grinned at her and set the glass down.  
  
“I don’t remember the last time I had real milk,” He added, disbelief in his tone as he resumed his meal. They ate then in silence, stealing glances at each other between bites. There was something nice about this; sitting with her. The ship was quiet, just the dull hum of the drive core beneath their feet. It seemed so normal. It was as if, for a moment, they could pretend they weren’t soldiers. They were just two people enjoying a meal together. He let himself entertain that thought, however fleeting. He was done eating before she was, and he watched her as she finished. The contentment that passed over her face as she finished and smiled warmed him. “Satisfied?” He asked.  
  
“For now,” She answered as she wrapped her hands around her glass of milk. He clenched his jaw and reached over to grab her empty bowl. He turned and washed them quickly. He could feel her watching him, and it made his heart race. The blood was rushing through his veins, and he took a deep slow breath before turning around again. He sat at the stool after drying his hands. She looked down at her glass when she asked, “Do you have siblings?” The question was unexpected, and caught him off guard. He answered her, letting her know he was an only child. “What was that like?” She asked him, her eyes lifting to meet his.  
  
“Quiet,” he answered and she looked up at him, it was clear she was looking for more. He just couldn’t imagine why. He let out a soft sigh and his mind drifted back to his childhood, before BAaT. “Mom and Dad lived, well, they still live, in Vancouver. Dad’s family has an orchard. Every Sunday the family would get together at the Orchard for dinner; Aunts, uncles, cousins. Dozens of people, all day long, in and out. We would eat and laugh and pick on each other until it was late. Other days, it would be just Mom, Dad and me. Dad would take me shooting out back. Mom hated that,” He found himself smiling as he thought about it. “She would make dinner, and yell out the back door for her boys to come home. We would come trotting in heads high from our time out back with our toys. We would eat together, at the table, every night. Mom was big on that. Then I’d clear the table and handle the dishes while they took their coffee and tea into the living room. Mom would knit, Dad would catch up on the news, and I’d lie on the floor and read crazy sci-fi novels. It was great,” He answered coming back to the present and was shocked to notice Shepard’s eyes glisten as a smile played on her full lips as she watched him closely.  
  
“That sounds nice,” She said with a smile and she dropped her eyes and lifted her milk taking a small sip. He asked what it had been like for her, growing up on Mindoir. “It was work. We were all farmers and outside of school, we had farm work to do, as well,” She paused and let out a breath, “Michael was every bit the stereotypical pain in the ass little brother you always hear about. Though, there were times, when Mom and Dad were out at the market or in the farm and it was just him and me that I still cherish. You see, he was born premature, and was smaller than the other boys in the colony so he tried really hard to be a tough guy. He always insisted he would enlist in the Alliance as soon as he was old enough,” He smiled when she chuckled, it was warm. “He got hurt a lot, and he used to hate when Mom would see him hurt. I think they both felt guilty over his weak demeanor. It was because he was born so sick. So, he would come to me,” Kaidan thought he saw tears in her eyes before she dropped them, and nothing would have surprised him more. It was a silent second before she continued.  
  
“I thought I had moved passed it, and I had, but after talking to Talitha it was like I was 16 again,” She admitted, and Kaidan was taken aback by the emotion still lacing her voice. “For a long time after I was rescued I focused on trying to find Michael. I thought, after I was trained, I could storm Batarian space and find him and bring him home,” She paused and a sad smile tugged at her lips. “It took David a good eighteen months to … not convince me, just make me realize how insane that notion was. It was a hard realization for me. Honestly, Michael was probably dead already, and if not, there would be no semblance of him left to save considering the implants the Batarians use to control their slaves,” She stopped then, and sighed softly.  
  
“Then we met Talitha,” He filled in for her, understanding now why that had been such a difficult experience for her. Not only did it bring back the memories of the attack, but the guilt she must have felt for not trying to find her brother. She lifted her eyes and nodded.  
  
“Yeah,” She answered, “what if he is out there alive, wondering where I am? Wondering why I haven’t come for him.” Kaidan wanted to say something but he didn’t know what he could say. “David reminded me though, if Michael was still alive and if he remembered me, which I know are both slim chances, he would most likely think I had been killed, or taken too. He wouldn’t be expecting me to come for him. That helps, but doesn’t make it all go away,” She admitted and looked up and locked eyes with him. He found himself admiring the way her blue eyes reflected the lighting of the ship again, and his eyes flicked down to her mouth where her lip was once again pinched between her teeth. “I am reminded of something David told me during that time, and I feel like I want to tell you things. Things I haven’t spoken about in a long time. Almost like I owe it to you, especially after everything you’ve shared with me.”  
  
“You most certainly don’t owe me anything,” He promised as his heart jumped up in his throat and he searched her face. He was surprised when she offered him a small smile.  
  
“I know,” She answered simply, with her head cocked to one side. His eyes were on hers, and it was almost like he could see her taking the walls down. After a long moment, she looked down to the table. She seemed afraid of what he would find there. “I was sixteen when Mindoir was attacked. It was sunset and I wasn’t home when it started. I was out at the edge of the fields with Caleb, my boyfriend,” She paused for a heartbeat, “My shooting tutor’s younger brother,” She added as she lifted her eyes to his, and he chuckled. She gave a small smile and continued, “We were lying in the grass, watching the sunset and making plans for when I finished school. He was two years older than me and had already graduated and was already in the process of taking over his family’s farm. Once I finished school, it was expected for us to be married,” Her face held the nostalgia she felt for a simpler time. He was overcome with the wish to make life simple for her again, though he knew that was an impossibility.  
  
She continued, “Then we heard the first gun shots. We weren’t sure that’s what it was, at first, but we froze and waited. I remember, the fear on his face and knew it was a reflection of my own. Then we heard the screaming and we ran. I ran faster than I had ever run before, through the corn fields. The leaves on the stalks we ran through were rough and slapped against our legs, arms and faces. It stung as they broke the skin. When we reached the other end of the field, we were in my backyard. I had expected Caleb to run to his house, but he didn’t. He stayed with me as I went to mine. We entered my house through the kitchen, and that was when we saw the Batarians. They had guns pointed at my parents, and they turned one on us when we entered,” She paused and took a deep breath, “It was just like Talitha said. Honestly, with all my training, I’m still not sure what kind of weapon it was that they used. When my parents yelled for me to run, they shot them. A stream of white light shot from the weapon and hit them, and it was like they melted,” Shepard wrapped her arms around her midsection as she leaned forward slightly, it was like she was closing in on herself; almost like she was trying to protect herself, to keep it all in.  
  
“I screamed,” Her eyes were distant as she continued, clearly back on Mindoir, and Kaidan suppressed the impulse to reach out and hold her. “I turned and looked to Caleb and his head just exploded. It took me a second to realize he’d been shot as his… mess splashed on my face. The alien that had shot him hit me in the face with the butt of his gun and I fell landing hard on my hands and knees. Blood was dripping down my face and into my mouth. I was inhaling it. It was warm. My hands slipped on the floor. I think I was still screaming. I looked up and saw them taking Michael. He was bleeding,” She lifted her hand to her temple, “from his head and he had a metal collar, connected to a leash,” Her hand went to her pale neck, “around his neck as they were dragging him to the ship. The alien kicked me in the ribs and I fell to my side, splashing in the… gore. I could feel it soaking into my sundress. When they came to me and tried to put on the collar, I flared. The energy just erupted from me, panic and fear. I had no control over it. They flew backwards; one hit the wall with this sickening crunch. I’m pretty sure I killed it. Once the biotics dissipated they shot me in the stomach and left,” She paused and lifted her glass to take a mouthful of her milk.  
  
He wanted her to continue, but felt like if he spoke, she would clamp shut and stop, so he remained silent as she stared at her glass of milk. After a brief eternity, she continued, “I remember, it didn’t hurt. It just burned and I stopped screaming. I cried. I prayed for death. Then, mercifully, I lost consciousness,” She paused and Kaidan’s heart was pounding loudly against his ribs as she relived this, he couldn’t believe she was sharing this with him. He would take whatever he could get, any little piece to help him understand her more. He was mildly surprised by the amount of details she remembered, but knew from his training that traumatic experiences often left more vivid memories. “I don’t know how long I was out, but when my eyes opened again the sun had risen and I could hear muffled voices shouting. I was cold, and couldn’t move. I’m not even sure how I was alive. When I saw the black helmet with the red stripe and the flashlight, I thought the Batarians had come back for me. The helmet hovered just inside my field of vision, telling me to look at him, but I didn’t want to. I just wanted to die, I should have died. I kept turning away until he removed the helmet and I saw a human face staring back at me. I’ll never forget the way his eyes looked, they were the most beautiful brown eyes I had seen, until then at least,” She looked away from him for a second, and shifted in her seat. When her eyes flicked to his again, and she blushed, he realized she’d been complimenting him. He enjoyed the rush of heat that washed over him as she continued, “His eyes were warm, concerned, and he looked down at me so gently, his voice was comforting as he told me to hold on. He told me I was safe, and that I was going to be okay. He applied pressure to the gunshot and I lost consciousness again.”  
  
“Anderson,” Kaidan whispered and Shepard smiled sadly, and nodded.  
  
“I woke again, days later, in a hospital on Arcturus. Doctors tried to get me to talk but I wouldn’t. I just laid on my side, curled in a ball looking out the window, wondering why I survived. I was angry that I lived while my family, and Caleb died. Then David came in. He stood between me and the window. I just stared through him, and then he started talking. He told me about his service in the Alliance, his N7 training. He told me about his family. On the fourth day, he asked me about mine. He told me I had been quiet long enough and that’s not how relationships work. Both people have to share, and if I didn’t start sharing, he was going to stop coming to visit. Then he left. The next morning, I woke up and the sun didn’t hurt so badly anymore. I sat up. The nurses were shocked when I asked to shower. I ate a small breakfast. When David came to visit, he said he didn’t recognize me.”  
  
“He asked my name, and I answered. He stayed with me all day and we spoke about me. I still wouldn’t talk to the shrinks they sent to see me, but I told David everything he wanted to know. I told him I was a pretty good shot and we talked about my biotics. I was hospitalized for a month before the doctors were ready to discharge me. David told me then that I had a choice. I could go into the foster care program on Earth until I was eighteen, or I could enter the JROTC program on Arcturus and be a ward of the Alliance while I finished school so long as I enlisted when I turned eighteen. I asked if I would be able to see him if I stayed, and he promised he would make sure of it. So, that’s what I did. I still kept to myself most of the time. David had me take dance classes, he had me take self-defense classes and he taught me to cook and taught me Marine hand-to-hand combat. He became my family. He was there when I finished school. He was there when I enlisted. He was there when I received my first orders. He was there when I volunteered for Akuze,” She paused then and took a deep breath. She leaned back in her stool and rubbed at her face.  
  
“Shepard,” He tried to interrupt her. He could only imagine how difficult this was for her and he hated that she was telling him out of a sense of obligation.  
  
“No,” She stopped him, “it’s like David said. It’s a two way street and I want you to know,” She admitted quietly and Kaidan nodded, trying to wrap his head around her admission. She continued, her voice quiet, “My unit and I had become really close. I guess, aside from David, it was the closest I’d had to a family since the Raid. We landed on Akuze and set up our camp. Then night fell,” Her voice stuck in her throat and she cleared it. Kaidan reached out across the table instinctively and covered her hand with his. She stilled, and the emotion fueled blue energy of their shared biotics flared up for a moment at the contact. Her hands were much smaller than his and cold. He watched her reaction as she was silent for another moment while she stared at their hands. She flexed her fingers up and entwined them with his; his heart skipped a beat and she looked up at him. “I still have nightmares sometimes. I can hear them screaming. I can hear them calling for help. There was nothing I could do, Kaidan,” He squeezed her hand lightly. His heart swelled a little when she said his name. “For the second time in my life I prayed for death. I prayed… that… when I was taken… it would be fast.”  
  
“Then, the sun came up, and the maws went back underground. I looked around and they were gone. I switched … off. Everything. All emotion was turned off, and I went to the ship and hailed the Alliance. There was nothing left, no bodies, no tags. I was picked up before sunset. My family was gone, again. David wasn’t on Arcturus when I got back. He was off on a mission of his own. I was given two weeks leave, and I was alone. I spent the first week completely wasted. I mean, numb drunk day and night, I didn’t do any harder drugs or anything, but I made a lot of … bad decisions while I was in that state. Let’s just say…” She blushed, and looked away from his face, her eyes falling to their linked hands, “I didn’t sleep in the same bed twice and leave it at that,” She cleared her throat, and Kaidan could feel the embarrassment coursing through her. Not wanting to speak, and interrupt her, he simply squeezed her hand, and she continued, “David came home after the first week and found me, mid-afternoon still drunk from the night before, unshowered and covered in my own vomit and … it was bad. He picked me up, literally, and threw me in the shower and let me have it. Oh, how he sounded like my dad,” She chuckled softly and cleared her throat before continuing, “I had never seen him so disappointed. After I was dressed, we talked and I promised I would get better and made myself a vow never to see him like that again.”  
  
She let out a short breath through pursed lips before she continued, “I spent the next week cleaning myself up. I spent a lot of time in the gym. After my leave, I went on two missions before I got my N school recommendation,” A pleasant grin spread over her face, and without thinking he ran his thumb along her finger, and he thought he heard a slight hitch in her breath before she continued, “David knew the recommendation was coming. He’d been called as a reference. He had been grooming me, since the day I was released from the hospital. The dance classes, the self-defense, all of it. He is the reason I finished and reached N7. He is the only person I let myself count on since the raid.”  
  
She looked up and her heated gaze met his eyes, “I don’t like having to rely on people. I don’t like needing someone at my six, or admitting I need help,” She stated as firmly as she could around the emotion in her voice. “Whenever I did, bad things happened to them and I hate the immense guilt I would feel because I had survived. I felt awful for a long time, after Akuze, when I thought of the brave men and women who’d gone down fighting while I hid, like a kid I hid, and I survived. They called me a survivor, but all I did was hide. Then I got angry, at my squad, shit, at my parents, for dying; for leaving me alone. Anyway, I had a point,” She stopped, her eyes still locked with his. Their hands were still linked, and the Alliance part of him was screaming at him to look away, to pull his hand away. This was way more than it should have been. The man in him couldn’t look away, or pull his hand away. This wasn’t enough for the man in him.  
  
“It hit me for the first time, on Feros. When the creeper knocked into me and I lost my balance and I went over the edge. You reached out with your biotics and pulled me back. I realized I knew you would. There is no one else I want at my back. I trust you. I didn’t even feel scared as I fell. I knew that you would be there to pull me back,” She finished, her cheeks pink, eyes wet and her lip pinched between her teeth. Kaidan’s heart was pounding in his chest.  
  
“Always,” He promised her, his voice gruff with emotion and something else. Something he wasn’t ready to admit to the Alliance part of him. “I’ll always be there.” It was her turn to squeeze his hand as she smiled. He wondered what it would be like to lean over and kiss her. She was right there, warm and alive and right there. It wouldn’t take much. A quick tug of her hand and a lean forward would close the distance. He could still smell the light fragrance she wore, and wondered again what it was. He imagined what it would be like to have her face in his hands, his lips on hers as they opened for him. It wasn’t the first time he thought about kissing her, but it was the first time he thought she might let him.  
  
“Good,” She said ending the moment as she pulled her hand away from his to grab her milk and finish it.  
  
He cleared his throat as he leaned back and watched her. He crossed his arms over his chest and kicked his feet out under the counter, crossed at the ankle. Their eyes linked again. “You’re amazing,” He let out, and blushed himself as she cocked an eyebrow. He huffed a little. “Seriously, you’ve been through so much in your life. You have every reason to be shut off, and cold, and hard and… and you’re not. You’re kind, and warm and willing to help everyone who asks. You’re amazing,” He repeated and she chuckled.  
  
“Well, you haven’t had it easy, either,” She reminded him, as she kicked his foot lightly beneath the counter. She seemed embarrassed by the compliment and eager to return it if only to take the attention off of herself, “but I like the man it’s made of you,” He blushed and their eyes were still connected. He could feel the air between them heating up with a comfortable charge. His body tingled with the tension, and he kept his eyes on hers. He was about to speak when she did first, “It’s late,” She whispered, breaking the intensity and he nodded dropping his eyes to his glass. He lifted it to his lips and finished it.  
  
He looked back to her, and still didn’t want to move. He let a breathy chuckle escape through his nose, “Shepard, you are a hard woman to walk away from,” He answered her, and she bit her lip as something warm washed over her face.  
  
“I guess I’ll have to walk away then, huh?” She asked quietly as she pushed away from the counter and stood. “Good night, Kaidan,” When his whispered name left her lips, he felt the shiver trace his spine as he watched her take two steps backwards before turning on her heel and disappearing towards her quarters. He watched her disappear. His heart pounded as he thought of where this could go once the mission was over. He hoped they’d get the chance to explore it. With those thoughts in the forefront of his mind, he dropped their glasses in the sink and trudged to his pod. Sleep would prove to be illusive that night.


	17. Chapter 17

When morning came on the Normandy, they were less than an hour away from Noveria. Kaidan ate a quick meal in the mess before heading down to the cargo bay to get ready for the day’s mission. He faltered momentarily when he stepped off the elevator and his eyes fell on Shepard at her locker. She was dressed in just her under armor. The tight black fabric clung to her curves and Kaidan chewed the inside of his cheek as he forced himself to move passed her to his own locker. She paused fleetingly and watched him over her shoulder, her eyes met his briefly and a grin pulled at her lips before she turned back to her armor.

Kaidan let himself smile as he bypassed his locker and went over to Ashley and Tali at the weapon station. He noticed Ashley smirk at Tali with a mischievous glint in her eye as the Quarian left the counter. Kaidan watched her go, and then turned to Ashley, “What did I miss?” He asked as he reached the station and reviewed the modifications made to his pistol and rifle. He had to admit, Ashley had a real talent with weapons and he knew Tali’s tech knowledge only made the modifications stronger.

“Just some new scuttlebutt,” Ashley said dismissively, as she turned her smirk down towards the weapon in her hand. “I know how you feel about hearsay and rumors, so I won’t bother you with it,” She said, and her tone was enough to tell him that it was about him. “Your mission today should be… interesting,” She chuckled softly and looked up to Kaidan’s unamused face. He set the gun down and crossed his arms over his chest giving her a sarcastic glare. Ashley sighed and looked over his shoulder at Shepard who was talking to Garrus. She dropped her voice to just over a whisper and leaned in, “Apparently, Liara and the Commander had a conversation a while ago, from what I understand it was just after Feros,” She looked up at him, and he was clearly unamused. She sighed, and rolled her eyes with mock exasperation, “Liara told Shepard, she had _feelings_ for her, and the Commander turned her down,” Ashley explained. Kaidan resisted the urge to smile and he had a feeling Ashley could tell. He uncrossed his arms and lifted the pistol again.

“The Commander is more than capable of keeping personal issues off the field. I don’t see why you think this would affect the mission today,” Kaidan answered simply as he busied his hands with the gun.

“You’re right, and normally I would agree with you. It’s just that apparently Liara questioned Shepard’s feelings about a certain Lieutenant, and she confirmed that he ‘meant a lot’ to her,” Kaidan met Ashley’s eyes, and she was grinning. Kaidan knew he should have felt excited by the revelation, but he had to remember it was a rumor, and with that thought he instantly felt guilty for encouraging the gossip. If the conversation had happened, it was none of anyone’s business aside from Shepard and Liara. If the conversation had happened, and the Alliance crew on board got wind of it, there could be consequences; especially if someone on the crew thought she was treating Kaidan differently because of her rumored feelings. Ashley’s face softened, the grin slid from her lips and she added, “Of course, it’s just a rumor, and not worth repeating to anyone.” It was, once again, like Ashley could read his mind, and he found he was grateful for it as he nodded and finally moved to his locker.

He dressed as quickly and efficiently as one would expect an Alliance soldier to dress and after arming with the modified weapons from Ashley, he made his way towards the elevator to meet Shepard and Liara at the airlock. He thought back on the conversations he had with Shepard since Feros, and he couldn’t stop the corners of his mouth from turning up. He didn’t need to hear the rumor to know there was definitely something between them, he just needed to keep it under the radar until the mission was over. There was no way they could allow the flirtation to interfere with the mission, or either of their careers. Ashley had been right about one thing, however, today’s mission would be interesting.

He met Shepard and Liara in the cockpit and they watched as Joker pulled the ship towards the docks. “Approach Control, this is the SSV Normandy, requesting a vector and a berth,” Joker reached out to the station.

“Normandy,” Noveria Approach Control responded, “your arrival was not scheduled. Our defense grid is armed and tracking you. State your business,” the voice on the comm demanded, and Joker looked over his shoulder at Shepard. She gave him a curt nod.

“Citadel business. We’ve got a Council Spectre aboard,” He answered and Kaidan looked to Liara who shifted, nervously, from one foot to the other. He could feel the annoyance coming from Shepard, and he clenched his fists at his sides as they waited for a response.

When the voice answered, it was irritated, “Landing access granted, Normandy. Be advised, we will be confirming identification on arrival. If confirmation cannot be established, your vessel will be impounded,” Control warned and Shepard sighed as she stretched her neck from side to side. The joints popped with a release of tension.

“What a fun bunch,” Joker commented dryly, “I think I’ll take my next leave here,” Shepard snorted a laugh and Kaidan found himself grinning as the trio moved towards the airlock.

As they waited for the air to pressurize, Shepard was standing in front of Kaidan. Before the door chimed, he took a small step forward so he was standing just behind her. He could feel Liara staring at him, but he didn’t care. Shepard jumped, startled, when his hands moved to the seals of the armor at her waist. She said nothing, just slightly lifted her arms to allow him access to the rest of the seams. His hands moved quickly and efficiently over the closures, and he allowed himself a smirk as he sensed her breathing increase with the barely-there contact. Her helmet was already secured and was blocking his fingers from the soft skin of the back of her neck, but he double checked the closures. After finding them secure, he tapped her shoulder guard just as the doors hissed open. Liara stepped off the ship, and Kaidan moved passed Shepard who grabbed his forearm and stopped him in front of her. He grinned when she stepped up behind him, and performed her own check of his armor. He had to admit, he liked this routine; if only for the quiet moment it allowed them before a mission. She tapped his shoulder guard all too soon, and then spoke, “Let’s move out.” He couldn’t help but think her voice was a little rougher than usual, and he was grateful for the helmet blocking his grin as they made their way off the ship.

Shepard took a few quick steps to move ahead of Liara and Kaidan, and they made their way to the entrance of the complex. Kaidan could feel the tension coming from Liara but chose to ignore it. She may not be able to keep it to herself, but he could. He kept his eyes forward as they reached the doors. Once inside they removed their helmets and hung them off their hips. A few steps into the complex, they were stopped by three armed guards. Kaidan felt Shepard’s irritation flare as the Asian woman at the point of their group held up her hand, “That’s far enough.” Her voice was curt, and nasally. Her dark brown hair was pulled back into a tight bun. Her brown eyes were dark with annoyance at the Normandy’s intrusion. Shepard listened, and glanced over her shoulder at Kaidan and Liara who halted when she did.

“We’re not here to cause problems,” Shepard defended, her hands out palm first. Though, she failed to keep the aggravation out of her tone.

“This is an unscheduled arrival. I need your credentials,” The officer demanded harshly, her eyes moved from Shepard to Kaidan and Liara and narrowed. Shepard sighed, her patience growing thin, and gave her name and Alliance rank. The officer spoke again, “The next Navy patrol isn’t due for another two weeks.”

The blonde officer to the left of the first spoke, her tone dry, “You’re a long way from home, Commander.”

“Aren’t we all?” Kaidan muttered in response to the snide comment, and Shepard glanced at him over her shoulder momentarily.

The Asian officer’s eyes snapped to Kaidan when he spoke, and slowly moved back to Shepard when she added, “Also, I must advise you that firearms are not permitted on Noveria. Sergeant Stirling, secure their weapons.” When the blonde, Sergeant Stirling, moved towards them, Shepard and Kaidan pulled their pistols and Liara flared her biotics and was sheathed in a nearly purple haze. Kaidan was momentarily surprised by the power he felt from the Asari, but he didn’t let it show. The three officers pulled their weapons in response. So much for avoiding an incident.

Kaidan let his voice take on a teasing tone as he instigated, “We going to let them do this, Commander?”

She turned her head slightly, so Kaidan could see her smirk without removing her eyes from the Officers. “No, we’re not. Nobody takes my weapon,” She announced and they removed the safeties from their pistols. Sergeant Stirling gave the order to charge and lock.

The first officer spoke, her voice wavering slightly, “We are authorized to use lethal force. You have until the count of three to surrender your weapons,” Shepard planted her feet firmly, and steadied her weapon. Kaidan copied, and Liara readied a biotic attack. “One … Two … Thr…”

Before the Officer could finish, and just in time to stop Shepard from pulling the trigger, a disembodied voice rang out overhead, “Captain Matsuo stand down!” At the order the Asian officer looked immediately defeated, and Kaidan almost felt sorry for her. “We confirmed their identity. Spectres are authorized to carry weapons here, Captain.” Noveria’s officers holstered their weapons, and Kaidan and Shepard did the same.

Captain Matsuo spoke again, her tone dejected, “You may proceed Spectre. I hope the rest of your visit will be less confrontational. Parasini-san will meet you upstairs.” Shepard nodded her thanks as she passed, somehow able to do it without looking smug. The trio made their way into the complex. They had expected resistance, but this was not a positive way to start the mission. Noveria is a small planet and is privately chartered by the Noveria Development Corporation, who lease out labs to perform research too dangerous or controversial to be executed elsewhere. Due to Noveria’s location outside of Citadel space, they are exempt from council law which allows them the freedom for their projects. The NDC is funded by investment capital from numerous tech development firms and is administrated by an Executive Board which represents their interests. Hopefully, the Board will remain committed to their promise of extraterritorial privileges extended to Spectres.

They passed quite a few more security guards as they made their way up the stairs. As they passed the threshold at the top of the stairs, an alarm sounded and the three of them froze. “Weapon scanners, they’ll turn off momentarily,” They heard a pleasant, feminine voice to their left. Shepard led them over to the counter she was standing behind. She was dressed in a form fitting red dress with her hair also pulled back. She was attractive enough, but not memorable. “I am Gianna Parasini, I work for the Executive Board. I apologize for the incident upon your arrival. I hope you understand, our Security Chief was just doing her job,” Ms. Parasini offered and Shepard nodded her acceptance. “Part of my responsibilities here is orientation of new arrivals. Are there any questions I could answer for you?” She asked, her voice sickly sweet.

“Has anyone unusual passed through here recently?” Shepard asked, hoping to confirm the Council’s suspicions on Benezia. Parasini’s eyes narrowed momentarily.

“Unusual?” She paused, as if in thought. “Well, an Asari Matriarch passed through a few days ago, Lady Benezia, I believe was her name.”

“Goddess, she is here,” Liara muttered, and Kaidan felt an unexpected rush of sympathy for her. Shepard didn’t miss a beat, however.

“I need to speak with her, as soon as possible,” Shepard demanded, her tone hard and anxious. She was within their grasp.

“Benezia left for the Peak 15 research complex days ago. To the best of my knowledge, she’s still there,” Parasini answered as she pulled up her omni-tool. She seemed distracted and was definitely not eager to help. Shepard sighed loudly and placed her hands on the counter, and asked how to get to the complex. When Parasini looked to her, Shepard flared. The cerulean energy coating her momentarily. Suddenly, Parasini seemed more than helpful, “Normally, you would have to go through Administrator Anoleis, however, he was arrested recently. It’s a long story. The Executive Board has asked me to cover some of his duties while they prepare to appoint a new Administrator. That being said, due to your Spectre status, I am authorized to allow you the garage pass. Be warned, though, there is a blizzard out there and travel will be difficult. You are going out at your own risk. I have to recommend you wait the storm out here.” She handed Shepard the pass and Shepard passed it back to Kaidan.

“I appreciate the exception and I will heed your warning. Unfortunately, time is a luxury I cannot afford right now,” Shepard answered her and took a step back from the counter. Parasini wished them luck, and offered to answer any other questions they may have while they were here. With a quick thank you, Shepard moved towards the stairs down to the lobby. Once they were out of earshot of Parasini, Shepard turned towards Kaidan and Liara.

“I cannot believe she is really here,” Liara spoke softly, “I imagine you want to talk to me Shepard, about my mother.” Liara was clearly nervous, wringing her hands in front of her. Her eyes were wide with stress.

“No,” Shepard responded, knowing Liara needed the reassurance more than anything else, “I don’t. I’ve already decided to trust you, Liara. You may not be military, but you are part of my crew.” Shepard said, reaching out and touching Liara’s forearm in a show of support.

“Thank you, Shepard. That means… a great deal to me,” Liara said, and offered a timid smile. Shepard smiled back, and Kaidan couldn’t help but still doubt the Asari. He wanted to trust her, as Shepard clearly did, but Benezia is her mother and Kaidan could not help the doubt that surrounded the situation.

“Alright,” Shepard said, “Let’s go,” and they made their way into the complex and down towards the garage. Kaidan was still surprised by the number of security stationed throughout the lobby of the building. He glanced to his left at Liara, she was watching her feet as she walked, clearly lost in her thoughts. His eyes moved up to Shepard and he watched as she scanned the area as they walked. A quick look towards the large windows showed the blowing snow outside. Parasini wasn’t bluffing when she said there was a blizzard. He had always hated the cold.

They went down a flight of stairs towards the garage and were met by yet another security officer. She asked for the pass and Kaidan supplied it. Shepard asked about Benezia and the guard reiterated what Parasini had said, that she had been through days ago but had left some of her packages behind. Shepard asked if they knew what was in the packages, and due to the strict secrecy allowed with clients, they didn’t. Shepard let out a sigh and turned to Liara and Kaidan as the guard opened the door for them. “I’m willing to bet the packages were filled with geth. Stay sharp,” She ordered and they nodded and moved into the garage.

Shepard gave the signal for them to halt and they did, remaining silent as they listened for any sign of life inside the garage. The garage was dim and they could hear the howling of the wind outside. After a moment, they heard something else, slightly to their left; a soft clicking sound. They each pulled out their pistols. Shepard gave them the signal to hold their positions as she moved further into the garage. She lined up the sight on the pistol with her eyes, which shone with determination, as she scanned the area while moving silently across the floor. Her full lips pulled into a thin line as she concentrated. Her breathing was smooth and steady, and Kaidan could feel how calm she was keeping her biotics. He realized the closer he got to her off the field, the harder it was to ignore his attraction on the field. She looked positively radiant.

Suddenly, the geth moved into the opening. Shepard’s first shot to the geth’s headpiece killed it instantly but the fight had started. Thankfully, once the bullets started flying Kaidan was able to focus on the battle and not his growing attraction to Shepard. It was over before security joined them. Liara’s biotics were formidable, though inexperienced in battle. With training, she would be a force to be reckoned with. Luckily, there were only a few geth left here in the garage. Shepard stood over one of them as it twitched, struggling to remain alive. She pointed her pistol right to its center and pulled the trigger, silencing it. “What did you do here, Commander?” Captain Matsuo shouted from the door as she looked around the garage at the damage from the stray bullets.

Shepard turned sharply towards the Captain, and was sheathed in blue as she stalked over to the woman. Matsuo took an unconscious step backwards at the sight of the approaching Commander, and Kaidan bit back a chuckle. When he’d first met Shepard, on Arcturus, he’d had the suspicion that she flared intentionally at the shopkeeper, for dramatics. He’d become so attuned to her energy after weeks at her side, that there was now no question. People still held their bias towards human biotics, and she used it to her advantage. Liara and he followed behind her. “Me?!” She shouted at the Captain. “I’m the victim here! The geth attacked us!”

Matsuo raised an eyebrow at the mention of the geth, and to her credit did not give any more ground, “Geth? You expect me to…” She glanced over Shepard’s shoulder and spotted the remains of a few machines on the ground, her voice lost its disbelief and gained a tone of shock, “Where did they come from?”

“If we were to guess, Benezia packed them in the shipping containers she arrived with,” Kaidan couldn’t keep the accusation out of his voice as he responded.

Matsuo turned her eyes to Kaidan, and he stared defiantly back. There was something empowering about being with Shepard, like somehow she allowed her authority to extend to him. “I do not believe that. We did thorough scans of those. There were no power sources, no element zero masses…” She paused, and sighed. Her eyes fell to her feet for a moment, there was surrender in her stance. Almost as if she knew someone somewhere had screwed up, and she was going to take the fall for it, “If Benezia-sama’s containers were packed with these things, there are many more out there.” Her words were an admission and a warning.

Shepard’s tone was harsh when she spoke, “I need numbers, Captain. A dozen? A hundred?”

Matsuo’s voice was resigned, “Dozens at least. They are machines. You could pack them tightly,” She sighed, “I must report this to the Executive Board. If word gets out about loose geth, there may be an investor panic,” She turned to leave the garage to go back to the lobby. She gave them a backwards glance, “Godspeed, Commander.”

Shepard nodded to the Captain and turned towards Kaidan and Liara, “Let’s go.”


	18. Chapter 18

First, it was the Geth. Then they learned the geth were following a rogue Spectre. Now, according to what they’d learned from Benezia, Saren’s ship – Sovereign, gave him the power to assert his will over his followers. Indoctrination, she’d called it; and who could forget the Rachni? Kaidan was lying in the med-bay on the Normandy having returned from Noveria just under an hour ago. This migraine was one of the worst he’d had in recent memory. Unfortunately, Dr. Chakwas was out of the sedative she’d used in her cocktail to treat his migraines. This left him awake and suffering while he waited for the rest of the narcotics to start their attack on his pounding mind.

 Things had gone from bad to worse once they had left the garage. The drive from the main complex to the Peak 15 research facility was long and cold. Thankfully, they were warm enough between the Mako and their armor. The blizzard conditions made the trip dangerous. The road was icy, and to the left of the path was a significant drop off. If they slid over the edge, there would be no chance of surviving the fall; even with the thrusters. The vehicle was quiet as they traveled the long road. Though they had tried to get information on what was being studied at the facility, they were stonewalled by corporate fine print. So, they were going in blind, which was never a good way to head into any type of confrontation.

Kaidan was in the back of the vehicle, at the guns, while Shepard drove and Liara sat in his seat at her right. Liara didn’t have the training to handle the vehicle’s guns and missiles, but she could control the thrusters as well as navigate. Kaidan knew that was the only reason Liara was there and he was in back, but he couldn’t help the irrational jealousy that tugged at his insides. His mood had soured and he couldn’t wait to get the mission over and get back to the ship so he could brood in private. He glanced up at one of Shepard’s mirrors, and found her eyes staring back at him in her reflection. He loved the intense blue shade and the way the emotion swam over them. He could tell she was anxious about confronting Benezia and felt comforted that she’d been looking to him when he looked to her.

Honestly, he was anxious, too. They would be foolish not to be. Benezia was a Matriarch, which meant she’d lived for close to, if not, a millennium. During that time, she became a leader and teacher of religion and philosophy within Asari culture. It was also probable that she would have a team of Asari commandos – powerful biotic soldiers – with her as protectors. If it came down to a fight, it would be a true battle. As Kaidan held Shepard’s gaze he wished he could see more of her face through her helmet, and that she could see his. He hoped she was seeing the faith he had in her.

“Geth!” Liara shouted bringing Shepard and Kaidan’s attention away from the mirror. Working on near instinct alone, Kaidan moved his attention to the scope and the guns as Shepard swung the Mako around. He fired the guns continuously and Shepard shouted for Liara to hit the thrusters to allow the Mako to jump over the energy pulses sent out by the Colossus, the same machine they’d first encountered on Therum. Once the machine fell to its side, sparking, Kaidan walked Liara through the steps to run a diagnostic program over the Mako from the console in front of her – his console – to check for damage to the vehicle and sighed at the annoyance burning in his chest. At least she was competent with the console and only needed to be walked through it once.

It felt like they had been in the Mako for hours, but really the drive from the main facility to Peak 15 only took about half an hour even with the random battles with geth left behind by Benezia. When they finally reached the facility, they left the security of the Mako and went inside. Kaidan did a quick scan of the area, and quietly notified Shepard that there were hostiles nearby. They drew their weapons and stalked into the garage of Peak 15 where they met a handful of Krogan mercenaries and scattered geth. The attempted ambush was over before it started since the mercs had lost the element of surprise.

They left the geth in pieces and the Krogan lying dead behind them as they made their way into the facility. They proceeded up the stairs and across a catwalk towards the center of the facility as the VI alarm advised them Peak 15 had sustained a “great deal” of damage and that the power to the VI had been shut off. Kaidan stated they would have to get main power turned back on before they would be able to leave and continue searching for Benezia. He heard Shepard’s soft, annoyed groan as they walked.  They noticed some of the stations defenses, like the turrets, were facing inwards, as if they were trying to keep things in as well as out. That realization made Kaidan’s skin crawl, what were they doing here?

As they moved through the facility’s tube like walkways that opened into a workstation at every juncture, the lack of life was unnerving. This was an active research facility and considering the station’s power was shut down, something must have happened here. The question of what happened was heavy on their minds as they continued their silent search, weapons drawn. They reached an elevator, and took it up to an open air walkway. “It’s a bit nippy,” Kaidan commented, quietly. It had been silent for too long, and he was rewarded with a snort-like laugh from Shepard. He grinned.

The door ahead of them opened and they were immediately fired upon by even more geth, bullets bouncing off their shields. Liara was proving quite useful with her biotics, often able to immobilize multiple machines at once which would allow Kaidan and Shepard to take them out without exhausting their own biotic energy. There was no telling what would happen when they finally found Benezia and the more power they could reserve, the better. After the last geth fell, there was an odd noise, like a distant screaming or maybe the facility itself was creaking. The windows had been blown in and the whole room was open to the elements. “What was that?” Kaidan asked as they continued to scan the area.

“Anything could have gotten in. This place is in bad shape,” Shepard answered as they moved towards the stairs. Small green cockroach looking beings were headed their way, the size of small dogs. When shot, they erupted spraying acid out over a large radius. These were not the source of the noise, though. That was up the stairs. Large creatures that looked like a cross between a cockroach and a lobster which was then enlarged to stand over five feet tall were at the top of the stairs snapping out towards the trio and spitting acid. “Holy fuck!” Shepard shouted as they let loose with everything they had. Bullets and biotics shot out at them with a fierce determination.

Once they were killed Shepard looked to Kaidan and gave the order for him to check them out and Shepard turned to Liara to make sure she was okay. She was really letting the biotics fly and she needed to be careful not to overextend herself. Kaidan crouched down next to the alien and opened his omni-tool. He had never seen anything like them before. When the results flashed before him, he was so stunned he ran it again, and then a third time. “Uh, Shepard…” He stated, and something in his tone must have alerted her and she turned towards him as he stood. “They’re rachni.”

“Kaidan, now is not the time for jokes,” She said with a sigh as she walked over to him.

He lifted his omni-tool and ran the program again. She was standing behind him, and slightly to his left, allowing herself a view of his ‘tool’s screen. “Well, this is the fourth time I’m running the scan, and this is the fourth time I’m seeing these results,” He said as he pointed to the screen that blared with the words: Rachni – EXTINCT.

“Son of a bitch,” Shepard muttered as she looked to the dead bug at her feet and Liara came up behind them. “Seriously, what the fuck goes on on this planet?” She groaned and lifted her rifle again. “Let’s keep moving, the sooner we find Benezia, the sooner we can get off this frozen wasteland.” Kaidan saved the results on his ‘tool before shutting it down so he could look into it more when he had the time.

They entered the elevator ahead of them, and it took them down, deeper into the facility. There were no words as each digested the appearance of the rachni. The rachni were a threat to Citadel space over two thousand years ago. As the Council races expanded, they forced the intelligent and highly-aggressive creatures to expand and defend their territory causing The Rachni Wars. The Salarians uplifted the Krogan for their combat prowess, and because their physical resilience would allow them to directly confront the rachni in the harsh environments of their home worlds. Eventually, the rachni were defeated and completely eradicated. They were extinct, at least they were thought to have been extinct until a few minutes ago. The elevator was silent still and the tension thick. “I do not like this place,” Liara spoke with a quiet firmness that caught Kaidan’s attention. “Too many dark secrets.”

“Wish we could pop off some incendiaries,” Kaidan spoke quietly in an attempt to lighten the space, if only for a moment. Both women turned towards him, confusion on their faces. “Seriously, I think I’ve got snow in my boots.” He was awarded with a chuckle from both and they turned their attention to the doors as they opened. They headed off the elevator and found the main power station. At Kaidan’s suggestion, Shepard attempted to restart it but they were informed that a manual reboot of the system would be required.

Shepard led them towards the system’s main computer, and asked Liara to stay behind and watch while Shepard and Kaidan were taken down into the core. She turned to Kaidan when the elevator stopped, “I am shit when it comes to electronics. Tell me you can handle this.” She stepped out of his way and let him closer. He took a deep breath as he started his diagnostics. It was a complicated program and he started by taking small steps to see what was hidden beneath the code. It was some kind of crazy puzzle.

“I can handle this,” He answered her, and turned off all outside senses as he lost himself in the programming. It was exquisite in its complexity. One wrong step and the process would shut down and start itself over. It seemed to take longer than he though, and as the system restarted for a fourth time, he could feel sweat forming on his brow. He could feel Shepard’s eyes on his back, but he forced himself to ignore it. Finally, the system lit up in front of him and the elevator began its ascent. He turned and looked to Shepard who was already looking at him. He knew she couldn’t see him smiling, but he was. He was startled when her gloved hand slid in his for a brief second, just enough time to express her gratitude with gentle pressure before it was gone again. Then, he was grateful for the helmet as he was sure he was blushing as the elevator stopped itself.

Once they reached Liara, they reactivated the facility’s VI. The VI, who called itself _Mira_ , informed them that Shepard’s Spectre status entitled her to Secure Access of all systems. She asked _Mira_ where Benezia was and was informed that she had departed on the passenger tramway to the Rift Station subsidiary labs but the tramway was unavailable. The landlines were disabled and the main reactor was shut down. _Mira_ had no further information for them about Benezia or the status of the station. However, Mira informed them that right before it was shut down, contaminates were released from one of the laboratories. By shutting down the systems, it allowed the frigid temperatures to kill whatever was released, “Turn off the heat, and hope the cold puts whatever you’ve unleashed to sleep. Nice.” Kaidan muttered shaking his head. The deeper their investigation took them into this place, the dirtier he felt.

_Mira_ gave them the information needed to get the station up and running again so they could follow Benezia to Rift Station. They took care of the landlines and the fuel lines. Once the tramway was up and running they took it over to Rift Station. The tram was eerily quiet and Kaidan was fidgeting. “Mom was right,” Kaidan mumbled just loud enough for Shepard to hear and she looked up at him, eyebrows creased, “I should have brought a sweater.” The look in her eyes told him she was smiling as she shook her head and looked away from him.

“You’re a regular comedian today,” Shepard teased quietly.

“I do what I can,” He answered, and she turned her eyes to the doors opening before them. They had reached Rift Station. They readied their weapons and moved into the station. They found one unlocked elevator and rode it up a level where they found Captain Ventralis, the head of security at Rift Station. He and his men had been on guard for days, and were exhausted. He informed them that Benezia was in the hot labs, and gave a pass to Shepard to allow her to take the locked elevator to the labs. She thanked him and just as she turned to signal to leave, they heard the Rachni coming up the elevator shaft. Shepard, Kaidan and Liara joined Ventralis and his men in the fight, ending it rather quickly. Then, they took their leave.

When they finally reached the hot labs, they did not find Benezia. They did, however, find a scientist: Yaroslev Tartakovsky. He informed them Binary Helix, the company working out of Peak 15, had found a Rachni ship adrift in space carrying eggs in cryogenic suspension. One of the eggs was recovered and brought here to study. They planned to clone the rachni inside and create an army. Then the egg hatched and they realized the egg was a rachni queen. Once the queen reached maturity, she began laying eggs but the newborn rachni were removed from her once hatched so that Binary Helix could attempt to control them. The rachni went rogue, and escaped containment. Tartakovsky informed them the rogue rachni were beyond saving and the only way to kill them and secure the station was to activate the neuron purge. He informed them that he had to enter the code into _Mira_ to initiate the purge. His words were interrupted by a rachni claw bursting through his chest and throwing Shepard and her crew into action. They took care of the rachni, but it was too late to save Tartakovsky. Shepard ordered Kaidan to the body to retrieve the activation code. 

Shepard, Liara and Kaidan moved into the adjacent room where _Mira’s_ terminal was located. Shepard activated the terminal and provided the code to initiate the purge. The system informed them they had two minutes to exit the hot labs before the purge. Shepard gave the order to move out but when they reached the room with Tartakovsky’s corpse, it was overrun with rachni; almost as if activating the purge called them here. With an impressive biotic display, Liara sent a group of rachni to the wall giving the trio a straight shot to the elevator. Once inside, they heard the loud blasts of the purge activating and the screams of the dying rachni.

Kaidan felt the shudder trace his spine as the elevator descended. They returned to Ventralis to advise him the rachni had been taken care of. Much to their surprise, he pulled his weapon on the trio and ordered his men to attack based on Benezia’s orders. They ducked next to the stairs, and relying mostly on their biotics were able to end the fight quickly, though, their armor was beginning to show wear and tear from the repeated attacks. Kaidan could only hope they were nearing Benezia. They moved through the now empty room and found a sealed door labeled “Quarantine and Barracks.” Shepard opened the door, and with weapons still drawn, they made their way into the room. At the back of the room, there was a maintenance door which led them through an icy cavernous area where the maintenance equipment was stored. At the end of the tunnel, there was another door and when they opened it, they saw Benezia, on a raised platform facing a large glass wall and a console. She hadn’t seen them yet and they slowly moved into the room.

“You do not know the privilege of being a mother. There is power in creation, to shape a life, turn it toward happiness or despair,” Benezia’s words caused Kaidan’s hair to stand on end as they continued into the room, nearing the bottom of the stairs that lead to Benezia. “Her children were to be ours, raised to hunt and slay Saren’s enemies,” It was then they realized she was in fact talking to them, she had known they had entered. Shepard stood taller and took a step forward. “I won’t be moved by sympathy; no matter who you bring into this confrontation.” Kaidan glanced at Liara who stood tall, her face a mask with no emotion though her hands were clenched at her sides.

“Liara’s here because she wants to be,” Shepard answered, gesturing briefly towards Liara.

“Indeed. What have you told her about me, Liara?” Benezia asked, her voice smug as she looked at her daughter.

“What could I say, mother? That you’re insane? Evil? Should I explain how to kill you? What could I say?!” Liara shouted in response, her tone angry and desperate for answers. Answers it did not seem like Benezia would be giving.

Benezia turned her attention back to Shepard, “Have you faced an Asari Commando unit before? Few humans have.”

“I can’t believe you’d kill your own daughter,” Shepard mumbled, shaking her head in disgust.

“I now realize I should have been stricter with her,” was Benezia’s only response before she let loose and froze Shepard in a biotic stasis. Doors opened all over the room and geth and asari poured in taking shots at the trio. Thankfully, Shepard’s own biotics were powerful and after a few moments she was able to negate Benezia’s stasis and go on the offensive.

The battle was intense, there wasn’t time for Kaidan to keep tabs on Shepard they way he had grown used to. He’d gotten in the habit of watching out for her, of being the one who was able to help her out of tight spots but between the powerful geth troopers and the insane commandos it was all he could do to keep himself alive. Bullets bounced off shields and ricocheted off the walls. He heard Shepard call out, and glanced down at his tool as he saw Shepard’s indicator flash red. His heart dropped to his feet for a second until he saw the offending asari fly across the room coated with Shepard’s beautiful cerulean power.

His shields were near depletion, as were Shepard and Liara’s, when he heard a strangled cry from the general area Benezia had been. The Matriarch fell to her knees as her last asari bodyguard fell dead. The trio quickly moved to Benezia, weapons drawn as she slowly stood. Though nearly beaten, she stood with a confidence born of a life lived over the course of a millennia. “This is not over. Saren is unstoppable. My mind is filled with his light. Everything is clear,” Benezia spoke, and her voice sounded somehow distant.

“The rachni didn’t cooperate with you. Why should I?” Shepard asked, her weapon aimed at Benezia’s head. Both Liara and Kaidan took their queues from Shepard, and maintained their aim on the Matriarch.

“I will not betray him. You will – You…” Benezia’s voice broke off, as deep breaths racked through her body. Her chest heaved with the strain. A quick glance to Liara showed her concern for her mother, and Kaidan was sure to keep an eye on her, wondering if Shepard had misplaced her trust. Suddenly, Benezia turned towards the trio, “You must listen,” Her voice was clear and confident. “Saren still whispers in my mind. I can fight his compulsions, briefly, but the indoctrination is strong.”

“Indoctrination? He’s controlling you?” Shepard asked, lowering her weapon.

“Yes,” She answered, “People are not themselves around Saren. You come to idolize him. You would do anything for him. The key is Sovereign, his flagship. It is a dreadnaught of incredible size and its power is extraordinary.”

“Sovereign’s not like other ships. Where did he get it?” Shepard asked, trying to get as much information out of Benezia while she could.

“I cannot say, but the geth did not build it. Its technology is far more advanced than that of any known species. The longer you stay aboard, the more Saren’s will seems correct. You sit at his feet and smile as his words pour into you. It is subtle at first. I thought I was strong enough to resist. Instead, I became a willing tool, eager to serve. He sent me here to find the location of the Mu Relay. Its position was lost thousands of years ago,” Benezia explained and Kaidan’s mind was reeling. The ship gave Saren mind control abilities? This seemed far-fetched. Well, it would have seemed far-fetched a few months ago, before Spectres went rogue and the geth returned from beyond the veil and talk of Reapers began.

“Someone on Noveria found the relay?” Shepard asked, and Kaidan glanced at Liara. She seemed grateful that Benezia was being so forthcoming with information. She seemed hopeful this meant Benezia could leave with them. Kaidan didn’t think it would be that easy.

“Two thousand years ago, the rachni inhabited that region of our galaxy. They discovered the relay. The rachni can share memories across generations. Queens inherit the knowledge of their mothers. I took the location of the relay from the queen’s mind. I was… not gentle,” Benezia sounded almost ashamed as she spoke these words, and Shepard failed to suppress a shudder and the mention of a forceful mind meld.

“Why does Saren need the Mu Relay?” Shepard asked, ignoring the sensation and keeping to facts.

“He believes it will lead him to the Conduit. I would tell you more if I could, but Saren did not share his counsel with me. I was merely a servant to his cause,” Benezia answered, the regret plain on her voice. Regret that she wasn’t stronger, that she had been swayed.

“You can still make it right. Give me the information,” Shepard urged, holding out an open hand.

“I was not myself, but – I should have been stronger. I transcribed the data to this OSD. Take it. Please,” Benezia said as she handed Shepard the small computer disc. Shepard immediately handed it to Kaidan for safe keeping and he tucked it away.

“Knowing the relay’s coordinates is not enough. Do you know where he planned to go from there?” Liara asked, her gentle voice startling Kaidan and Benezia’s pain filled eyes turned to her daughter.

“Saren wouldn’t tell me his destination, but you must find out quickly. I transmitted the coordinates to him before you arrived. You have to stop – me. I can’t – his teeth are at my ear. Fingers on my spine. You should – Uh, you should…” Kaidan could sense she was losing control and he lifted his pistol again. Shepard did the same.

“Mother! I – don’t leave! Fight him!” Liara begged, desperate, as she took a step closer to Benezia. Shepard held an arm out to stop Liara from moving in front of her.

“You’ve always made me proud, Liara,” Benezia’s voice trembled and she turned her back to the trio. Liara lifted her pistol as well, tears spilled from her eyes as she aimed at her mother. Benezia turned back to them, eyes wild and black, “DIE!” She shouted as she caught Shepard in another stasis and then sent Kaidan flying backwards into a wall. He hit his head and went down hard. He was stunned; his vision swam and he felt the pressure coming quickly from the base of his skull, though he didn’t lose consciousness. He looked up just in time to watch Liara fire a final shot to the center of her mother’s chest. Shepard was released from the stasis and she turned to Kaidan. He waved her off; he would be fine. Shepard needed to take care of Benezia, and Liara.

Benezia fell back to the wall behind her, and slumped to a sitting position. She was breathing heavy, struggling for every breath when Shepard and Liara moved closer to her. Kaidan was barely able to bring himself to a sitting position as his head began to throb, the impact causing an instant migraine. “I cannot go on,” Benezia tried to breathe. “You will have to stop him, Shepard.” Her voice was reduced to a whisper as she struggled to hold on.

“Mother…” Liara cried as she dropped to her knees next to Benezia and took her hand in both of her own.

“Good night, Little Wing. I will see you again with the dawn,” Benezia’s eyes were drifting closed and her breathing slowing. Liara held her hand, her knuckles turning white, almost as if she thought if she just held her hand hard enough she could save her. “No light…? They always said there would be…” Benezia’s last words were lost with an escaped breath as the life left her eyes. Liara dropped her head into Benezia’s lap and cried. Shepard took a step away from the pair, offering Liara a few moments to grieve. Kaidan watched as she started towards him but was stopped when one of the Asari corpses stood and shuffled towards her. She lifted her pistol.

It wasn’t until this moment that they realized the rachni queen Benezia had been talking about was behind the glass wall. Liara lifted her head and turned to look towards Shepard. The rachni queen had taken control of the dead Asari’s body and was using her like a puppet to speak to Shepard. “This one serves as our voice. We cannot sing, not in these low spaces. Your musics are colorless. Your way of communicating is strange. Flat. It does not color the air. When we speak, one moves all. We are the mother. We sing for those left behind. The children you thought silenced. We are rachni.” Shepard moved passed the reanimated asari and stood right at the window looking at the enormous rachni housed there. Liara stood and wiped her eyes. She went to Kaidan and opened her omni-tool to run a diagnostic over him, as he would have for either of them. She really had become part of the crew.

The queen continued, “We sing through touchings of thought. We pluck the strings, and the other understands. She is weak to urging. She has colors we have no names for but she is ending. Her music is bittersweet. It is beautiful. The children we birthed were stolen from us before they could learn to sing. These needle-men. They stole our eggs from us. They sought to turn our children into beasts of war. Claws with no songs of their own.”

“Why did your children attack?” Shepard asked, offering respect by speak towards the window and not to the puppet asari.

“Our elders are comfortable with silence. Children know only fear if no one sings to them. Fear has shattered their minds,” The queen responded, sounding angry.

Liara, still crouched near Kaidan, turned her eyes to Shepard and spoke gently, “I understand. A child left alone in a closet until she’s sixteen would not be sane.” Shepard turned and looked to Liara, her eyes open and assessing but not judging Liara. Shepard was weighing the situation and trying to come to a decision.

“I stand before you now,” The queen started again, “What will you sing? Will you release us? Are we to fade away once more?”

Liara pointed to the window, “Look, Shepard, those tanks. Acid. Strong enough to kill anything, no matter its biology. They wouldn’t have installed that if they weren’t afraid of the consequences of her getting loose, but they made a mistake. They let the Krogan go too far. This is a chance for us to atone. She has done nothing to us.”

Shepard sighed and turned again to the window as the queen spoke, “Your companion hears the truth. You have the power to free us or return our people to the silence of memory.”

“If I let you live, would you attack other races again?” Shepard asked, it was difficult to tell which way she was leaning.

“No, we – I do not know what happened in the war. We only heard discordance, songs the color of oily shadows. We would seek a hidden place to teach our children harmony. If they understand, perhaps we would return,” The queen was arguing for her survival, for the survival of her species.

Shepard stared at the queen for a long time, and Kaidan watched through half-lidded eyes as Liara struggled with not looking to her mother’s dead body. “I won’t destroy your entire race. You’ll go free.”

The queen’s oddly toned voice was clearly surprised, “You will give us the chance to compose anew? We will remember. We will sing of your forgiveness to our children.” Shepard nodded at the queen and moved to the console. She pressed the controls to release the queen. With that completed, she turned to Kaidan and Liara and she helped him stand and they left Rift Station. Once in the Mako, they radioed for Joker to pick them up, bypassing the main facility all together.

Kaidan was still lying in the med-bay. Due to the events of the mission, and the time they had spent planetside, Shepard stated they would have to meet with the crew in the morning. By the time they returned to the ship, the rest of the crew had eaten dinner already. Upon seeing Liara and Shepard supporting Kaidan as they walked, Ashley and Garrus had come to assist with getting him to the med-bay. He could barely keep his eyes open, let alone stand and walk on his own. Liara followed behind them and walked passed them all and locked herself in the space behind the med-bay that she had claimed as her own. She hadn’t been seen since.

Kaidan was vaguely aware of what was happening around him. Ashley and Garrus promised to take care of their armor and weapons. After cleaning up from the mission, Shepard had taken dinner to Liara and had been in the back room with her since then. It had been hours but Kaidan was in too much pain to feel jealous, and somewhere in his mind he knew they were talking about Benezia and the events of the day. Kaidan was simply grateful to be horizontal with an arm draped over his eyes, and for the fact that the Doctor kept the bay cooler than the rest of the ship, and that she had shut the lights off when she left him. Now, it was a waiting game. Wait to fall asleep, or to vomit, or for the meds to finally kick in and start easing his torture.

He heard the soft sigh of the door opening, and smelled that familiar floral fragrance. The scent was his favorite but, with this migraine, it still nauseated him. He heard the soft padding of her booted feet on the floor as she tried to walk quietly. Each step was equivalent to a thunder strike just overhead. It cause odd shapes and colors to float before his closed eyes and he winced. He waited to hear the other door open and close at the far end of the room, instead, he felt the bed shift on his right side as Shepard sat next to him. Her right leg was pressed against his hip and his heart raced, causing his head to pound and throb only harder but he no longer cared. “A migraine, right?” She whispered and he barely nodded. There was silence between them then.

Kaidan nearly called out and he jumped when he felt her cold hands on his neck. On instinct alone, his hands snapped to her forearms and pulled them away from his heated skin. She balled her fists to eliminate the contact and he heard her slight gasp through her teeth when he’d startled her. His eyes flew open and found hers, but he didn’t release her arms. Her expression betrayed her embarrassment, which was something he’d never seen on her before. Her eyes were wide, cheeks red, and her lip was pinched between her teeth. “Sorry, I’ll…” She started to pull her arms away and stand but he held firm.

“No, no,” He said shaking his head slightly, ignoring the spinning room and waves of nausea. “You just… startled me,” He explained, loosening his grip but not releasing her, not wanting to. “Your hands are cold.” He was whispering too, and he let out a breath as she sat on the bed again with a whispered apology. “It’s fine, it’s nice, actually,” He promised.

 “I was going to try to help you with the pressure points … the way you did for me,” She explained, her gentle voice still a hushed whisper and he realized then he could talk to her like this forever and it would never be enough. Gentle whispers in the dark with just enough light to make out her features – the soft blue sparkle of her eyes, the flush of her cheeks and the glisten on her lips. He offered her a small smile, and she opened her hands again and moved them to his neck. He slid his hands from her forearms to cover hers, and helped guide them to the right position. He tilted his head back when she found it and increased the pressure on the points. He looked to her through half closed eyes as he took deep breaths. She had started by watching her own hands, then they moved to his face and locked on his own eyes. He could see the concern there, and he felt a rush of something warm in his core. He dropped his hands from hers; his left hand hitting the mattress while his right came to land on her left thigh. He was suddenly aware of every place they were touching - his neck, his hip, his hand - and his migraine induced sensory sensitivity made every spot tingle.

His hand opened and curled around her leg, possessively, and his thumb traced a pattern there; much like it had on Feros. She stretched her hands and her thumbs found his temples as she slowly massaged them in circles. He could feel the vibrant energy of her biotics. He enjoyed the way it felt with his own when he really allowed himself to focus on it. His energy was like a deep river, calm on the surface but with the power to pull you under hidden beneath. Hers was nearly the opposite, like the type of river one would go white water rafting on; full of power, exciting, beautiful, and dangerous. It made his heart race and he felt the warmth coat him like a second skin. He closed his eyes then, afraid of what she would see there. After a second, he cleared his throat quietly, “Why are your hands always cold?” His voice was a whisper.

She responded in kind, “Something to do with my implant and regulating my body temperature. My hands have been cold since I got the implant at seventeen.” He said nothing then, just enjoyed the physical contact, grateful the doctor had left him alone in here. There was nothing left to say. He focused on his breathing, every breath full of her. He focused on her hands on his neck and face. They were strong and calloused, obviously, but still tender and caring. He focused on the contact he had with her legs, against his hip and in his hand. He wished he could pull her to him and hold her, and he let himself hope that he might have the chance to do that when the time was right.

He wasn’t sure how much time passed, but it didn’t seem long enough. He was relaxed, more than he had been in a very long time. He could feel his breathing steadying and growing deeper as his eyes dropped closed. His hand lost its grip on her leg, and was just resting there. There was something comforting about her presence. Even on a warship, with her filling his senses, he felt secure. As sleep offered him a reprieve from the pain, he could feel her hands move from his neck. He felt her cool hand press against his fevered forehead. Her hand then traced a lazy path down the side of his face. He finally found his reprieve from the migraine. His sleep was filled with dreams of Shepard and what could be, if they survived this mission.


	19. Chapter 19

Kaidan woke in the med-bay early the next morning. He didn’t open his eyes, he simply assessed his remaining headache. There was some residual throbbing, but nothing he couldn’t handle. He allowed his eyes to open slowly. He glanced down and saw he was dressed in his night clothes. He didn’t remember changing into them. That was an interesting thought. The lights were still dimmed, and Chakwas was not in his immediate line of sight. He lifted his wrist to eye level and checked the time: 0530. He had time for a shower and breakfast before they would have their debriefing. He turned to sit up, and that was when he saw Shepard sitting on the cot next to him, wincing as Dr. Chakwas administered a shot into the side of her knee. His face screwed up in concern as he sat and swung his legs over the side of bed.

“You okay, Shepard? Ah, Commander?” He asked, correcting himself when Chakwas looked up at him with a cocked eyebrow and a smirk tugging at the corner of her lips. The woman missed nothing. Chakwas stood and patted Shepard’s other knee, and smiled at the Commander before turning and leaving the two of them alone. Shepard pulled her pant leg back down and turned her attention to Kaidan.

“Yeah, fuckin Asari commando yesterday, she got close enough that we ended up going hand to hand. She took a cheap shot to my knee and aggravated an old injury… so I Threw her across the room,” Shepard answered with a shrug, and Kaidan chuckled as he remembered the image of the Asari flying passed him in the middle of the fight. “How about you, Kaidan? Are you okay?” She asked, naked concern in her voice as she hopped off the cot.

"Yeah, I am much better this morning,” He answered and stood as well. They thanked the Doctor and left the med-bay, heading to the mess together. Kaidan tried not to think about the night before, and the way her hands had felt on his face as he fell asleep. He had slept better than he had in a long time, especially considering he’d had a migraine. He chewed the inside of his cheek as he watched her in his periphery as she filled her tray with a biotic helping of breakfast. He was thankful for the distraction when he turned his attention to the mess sergeant to thank him and walked with Shepard to an empty table. “I didn’t get the chance last night, but I have to thank you,” He said as they sat.

"I’m just glad it helped. I wasn’t sure if I was doing it right but then you started snoring. So, I figured I was doing something right,” She said and hid her smile behind her coffee mug. Her eyes were bright, as they locked on his.

He pointed his fork at her, “I do not snore.”

“I know what I heard,” She argued with a shrug and her face fell when she glanced over his shoulder. Kaidan turned to see what had caught her attention. He found Liara had left the med-bay to get her own breakfast. She was currently gliding gracefully through the line at the counter. Kaidan turned back to Shepard, and watched her watch the Asari. Shepard’s reputation boasted an ability to compartmentalize. Kaidan had seen it first hand back on Eden Prime. Jenkins had been killed and Shepard had no problem moving her grief aside and finishing the mission. Even when he had made eye contact with her, there was no trace of sadness or frustration; just the determination to get the job done.

Lately, however, Kaidan had noticed he was able to read the emotions behind her eyes much easier. Whether it was because she was allowing it or because he had come to know her and her tells, he wasn’t sure, but he liked to think it was the latter. He had felt sure, especially after last night, that there was something between Shepard and him. He knew how he felt and he thought he had read her feelings as well. Yet, as he watched the emotion in her eyes as she followed Liara across the mess, he was suddenly not as sure of it. She cared for the Asari, and was concerned for her wellbeing, of course, but was there more to it than that? Who knows what kind of connection could be formed with those mind melds?

Shepard dropped her eyes to her plate when Liara disappeared into the med-bay. “Have you spoken to her?” Kaidan looked to Shepard as he spoke softly. There was no use in pretending Liara’s presence hadn’t distracted her from their conversation, Kaidan just wished he knew why it had.

“Not since yesterday,” Shepard admitted dropping her fork and leaning back in her chair. She crossed her arms over her chest. She looked almost defensive. “What do you think?” He wasn’t sure what she was asking about, so he asked her. “About what happened on Noveria,” She clarified as she sat forward and resumed her meal. Their flirtatious, friendly conversation was over and it was back to business.

“Killing Saren’s – What was Benezia, anyway? Second-in-command? Advisor? I don’t know, either way, it should set him back a bit,” He paused, and weighed his decision on whether or not to continue, “I’m sure Dr. T’Soni’s hurting, though,” He waited a heartbeat before he continued as he attempted to gauge her reaction. “Poor kid. Having to kill her own mom,” He looked to his own meal as he took the last few bites.

She chuckled, though it lacked any humor, “’Poor kid.’ It’s really something, you know? She’s over one hundred years old, but she still seems so young. I mean, I know we’ve talked about this before, but it really gets me how naïve she seems, almost fragile. She definitely stepped up yesterday, though. If she hadn’t taken that shot, Benezia could have taken us both out. She is quite impressive,” Shepard admitted, non-committedly before finishing her meal. Kaidan thought back to his previous conversations with Ashley, about Liara and her interest in Shepard. Liara would be the easier choice for Shepard, no regulations; nothing standing in their way. “Any thoughts about the Rachni?”

“Off the record?” He asked, and she nodded as she stacked their empty trays and folded her hands in front of her, resting her arms on the table. She was leaning in, waiting for him to speak. “If we’d had the option, I’d as soon have left it to the Council. We weren’t out here during the Rachni War. I’m not sure we have business getting involved,” He had answered her honestly, and watched as she chewed her lip and considered his words.

“I see that, but that’s why they have Spectres: to make those hard, fast decisions,” She responded. “So, if you were a Spectre and the decision was in your hands, you would have killed her?” She asked and it was Kaidan’s turn to sit back and cross his arms over his chest as he considered the options. He meant what he had said, he would have rather left it up to the Council. She posed an interesting situation, though. If it had been his call, would he have made the same one she had?

“Yeah, I think I would have killed her. There is no way to know what will happen. They were wiped out for a reason,” He answered, clear in his conviction. She narrowed her eyes at him, and he felt like squirming under her scrutiny. She was still chewing on her bottom lip, and he swallowed hard as he waited for her to speak.

“A valid, and arguable, point,” She admitted, and he felt himself relax. She stood and picked up their trays. She looked down at him when she spoke again, “I have to ask, though, if I had killed them because of what we think they might do, how am I any different from the Reapers?” He blanched, and swallowed hard again as he watched her take the trays to the sink to be cleaned. It gave him a moment to consider her words. She was right, of course. What gave one species the right to decide if the other should live? Humanity had fought that battle more than once, even going all the way back to World War II in the 20th century.

She returned to the table and stood in front of him. She looked over his face, and locked on his eyes. She could see that she had reached him, and he chuckled, “That’s why you’re the Spectre and I’m the lowly L.T.,” He answered as he stood. She laughed softly, her smile brightening her eyes. She nodded her head towards the stairs, and they started walking together as she spoke.

“Well, I would be lying if I said I hadn’t considered killing her. As I spoke to her, I thought, ironically, about Wrex and the conversations he and I have had about the Genophage. The Salarians elevated the Krogan to fight the Rachni, and the Krogan did as they were meant to do. They became the weapon the Salarians intended them to be. Afterwards, when the Krogan’s numbers started growing, and their homicidal nature – the very thing that made them the perfect weapon for the war - forced them to expand, and then to fight over colonies and space, how did the galaxy thank them for their service? By nearly sterilizing them. If you speak to Wrex about the struggle his people, his women, face every day with infertility and the excruciating reality of multiple stillborn births, it’s heartbreaking. It’s no wonder the Krogan hate the Salarians and the Turians for working together against them. No one species should hold that much power over any other species. That’s what this fight against Saren, the geth, and the Reapers is about: Freedom to exist. I couldn’t kill that queen, and come back to this ship and look Wrex in the face, let alone the woman in the mirror,” They had reached the bottom of the stairs, and she was standing in front of him. Some of her features were hidden by the shadows of the stairwell, but he had them memorized.

As she looked up at him, and waited for his response to her explanation, he was struck again by how unique she was. She was sincerely compassionate, intelligent beyond her years, braver than anyone he had ever met, and insanely beautiful. “You’re not like other women,” He answered her without thinking, and felt the heat of humiliation rise from his collar. Her eyes stayed locked on his, and he could see the gentle embarrassment his statement had caused her, but also the appreciation she felt.

She reached out, discreetly, and squeezed his hand at his side, “Yes, I am,” She answered quietly before releasing her hold on his fingers. His breath caught in his throat as they looked at each other, his fingers tingled where she had touched them. He squeezed his hand closed, hoping to hold on to the sensation. “Now, hit the showers, Lieutenant. You smell.”

“Yes, Ma’am,” He responded with a chuckle and she rolled her eyes with an exaggerated sigh as she turned to head up to the CIC. He went the other way, towards his locker, to grab the items he would need for his shower.

Kaidan showered quickly, his conversation with Shepard during breakfast ate up a lot of time and he didn’t want to be late to the briefing. He turned the corner at the CIC and was on his way towards the comm room. He stopped mid-step when he neared the door. Shepard and Liara were standing outside the room and Shepard was holding both of Liara’s hands in hers. Neither of them noticed him, and he didn’t want to interrupt their conversation; though a childish part of him wished he could hear their whispers, and with that thought he felt even worse for intruding. He was brought out of his thoughts when Liara wrapped her arms around Shepard and placed her head on her shoulder. Then, Shepard slowly returned the embrace.

He walked quietly towards the room, and the door sighed open and he crossed the threshold without casting another glance at the pair. He sat in his seat, “Hey, L.T., you’re looking much better today, you feelin’ good?” Ashley asked him.

“I am. Thank you for the assist last night,” he offered her and she waved him off. The door opened and Shepard and Liara entered. The Commander’s presence caused a hush to fall over the room and everyone sat a little straighter.

Shepard started the meeting by going over the events of the day before and the things they had learned. “So, what’s our next move, Commander? Head for the Mu Relay?” Ashley asked as she shifted in her seat. She seemed to be itching for a fight, and Kaidan couldn’t blame her. He had a sudden urge to fire his weapon at something, too.

“The Mu Relay could link to dozens of systems. Unless we know exactly where Saren is going, we’d just be wasting our time,” Shepard answered shaking her head.

“The Commander is right. We cannot rush off blind. We still need to learn more about Saren,” Liara agreed, and everyone’s eyes turned to the Asari, who flushed a gentle purple with the attention.

“Who put you in charge? Did the Commander resign when I wasn’t looking?” Ashley snapped, her tone annoyed and defensive. Liara’s eyes dropped, shamefully, down to her hands in her lap, and her cheeks darkened another shade.

Shepard turned a heated stare to Ashley, her voice was hard when she spoke, “We’re all on the same team here, Williams. Liara more than proved her loyalty to us, and the cause, yesterday on Noveria. I will not accept this bickering. You’re a soldier in the Alliance, act like it,” Shepard snapped to Liara’s defense.

“Yes, Ma’am. Sorry, Skipper,” Ashley offered and Shepard sighed as her eyes moved over the room. Kaidan lifted his eyes to hers when he felt them land on him, and he could see she was tired.

Shepard let out a loud sigh, “This is a tough mission. We’re all on edge. We’re still waiting on some intel from the Salarians before we can continue looking for Saren. In the meantime, Admiral Hackett of the Fifth Fleet has asked me to look into some scientists that are turning up dead, so we’re heading for Ontarom. For now, everyone just… take the day off. We’ve got plenty of travel time and I think we all need it. Dismissed.” As everyone stood to leave the room, she dropped her head into her hands. Kaidan stood and followed the group from the room. He didn’t turn to look, but he could have sworn he felt Shepard watch him go.

He went to his station with the intention of replying to the message from his mother. He thought about the day before, and his eyes drifted up to the med-bay. Liara had killed her own mother. Sure, there had been a battle and Kaidan and Shepard had both taken shots at the Matriarch, but in the end it was Liara who fired the kill shot. Just like Shepard had said, there was no room for doubt anymore. Liara was part of this team, Shepard’s team, and she deserved to be treated as such. He would have to make an effort to remember that, and include her. Her being alone now was not the best thing for her.

He heard footsteps and looked up to see Shepard heading towards her quarters. When her eyes met his, she stopped and altered her course towards him. He made himself look involved in his message. “Are you busy?” She asked, her voice was soft and quiet, and he felt a shiver trace his spine. He looked to her, she was standing close to him, her arm nearly touching his. He told her he was in the middle of a message home. “Oh, of course. I’ll leave you to it, then,” She said and took a step away from him.

He spoke up again without deciding to do so, almost reflexively, “No, don’t. It can wait,” He saved the message and locked his console as she turned back towards him. Her brow creased as she asked if he was sure. “Definitely. Did you need something?” He watched as she sat in one of the seats behind him, leaning back and crossing her arms over her midsection. He turned to face her, leaning against his console.

“No,” She said, with a gentle shake of her head. His head tilted at her as he found her eyes. He offered her a timid smile, and she chewed her lip. Her eyes followed him as he took a few steps to sit in the seat next to her, turning his body in to seat to face her. She smiled at him when he sat, and she turned in her chair, folding her leg underneath her. It was as if in that simple move, she changed from being his superior to being just another soldier, and he appreciated that. They sat in silence for a minute, and Kaidan simply enjoyed the proximity. He let his mind wander for minute as he tried to place the familiar undertone in the fragrance that always followed her. “What are you thinking right now?” She asked quietly, and the question caught him off guard. He couldn’t very well tell her he was thinking about the way she smelled.

He sighed softly, and decided to speak of a safer subject, “Well, does it ever feel like we, this ship, your crew, are alone in this? I mean, the debriefing wasn’t the right place to say how ridiculous this is. Seems like every other race in the galaxy is so wrapped up in their own problems, they don’t see what’s coming.” His frustration was evident in his tone, and he was surprised when she smiled at him.

“Can you blame them? Wanting to believe everything will be fine? Ignorance is bliss, right? Sounds like human nature to me,” She offered, with a cocked head. Her left arm rested on the back of the chair and her hand went to a loose piece of hair. It seemed as if that one section of hair always rebelled against the pins and the bun.

“Yeah,” He admitted, “I guess some things carry across species well enough. I should remember that after what happened with Vyrnnus.” He was always surprised at the way she made him see other points of view. He would have to remember that before he made decisions. It was no surprise she had advanced as far as she had, and as quickly. She was younger than him, but she taught him something every day.

“It is refreshing to see you get along so well with aliens. I’d think you’d carry a grudge over the crap you took from Vyrnnus. I mean, look at Ashley, and her problem isn’t direct, it was inherited,” She pulled the pins from her bun as she spoke, clearly frustrated with the errant hair.

He forced himself not to be distracted by the way the hair framed her face and brought out her eyes, “Before I met Vyrnnus, I knew as much as any other civilian. Aliens were weird, superior, and tried to tell us what to do. I don’t think aliens want to dictate to us, and a lot of people don’t understand that. I don’t think that people, humans or aliens, understand that we’re out here trying to save _everyone_. We can worry about who is king once the dust settles.”

She left her hair down and he watched with envy as she ran her hands through it. It fell forward over her shoulders. It looked soft, and as always smelled amazing. He focused on what she was saying, “We have to worry sometime. It’s going to happen sooner or later.”

“Shepard, it’s only been 26 years since first contact. That’s not a lot of time to understand them, or for them to understand us. It was everything with Vyrnnus that made me realize how human aliens are. They’re not different or special. They’re jerks and saints just like us. Hell, by the time everything came to a head with Vyrnnus, I didn’t even want payback anymore,” It amazed him still how easy it was for him to talk to her about this.

“That whole situation was so fucked up, and the Alliance just pretends it didn’t happen,” She shook her head, her disappointment in the institution that saved her was clear in the way her eyes dropped and shoulders fell. “I mean, shit, you were just a kid. How did you even deal with that mess?” She shifted again, and pulled both legs up in front of her, so she was folded and compact on the chair facing him. Her arms wrapped around her legs and she rested her chin on her knees. Kaidan smiled at her, and then looked away.

“I didn’t, not right away,” He admitted. “I wasn’t upset he was dead, but I was sorry that I’d killed him. So, I dropped out of sight for a bit. The Alliance, and my parents, let me go. I guess they wanted it to blow over as much as I did. I went and stayed with my Grandparents at the Orchard for a while, a couple years, actually. You know, worked on the farm, took care of the horses,” He admitted, and Shepard’s eyes lit up at that specific piece of his history. He chuckled before he continued. “Obviously, I came back to the Alliance, but I came back on my terms, because I _wanted_ to serve. Not because I was a biotic freak with no options. Anyway, this is… I had a point here,” He paused, “Aliens are individuals. Just because one’s an ass doesn’t mean they all are. So, yeah, I hated that Turian, but he wasn’t just ‘A Turian’ to me, he was Vyrnnus.”

She was silent as she watched him speak. He noticed, but ignored, her eyes moving between his eyes and his lips as he spoke. When he finished, she smiled at him, “And here I was concerned you were damaged goods.”

He grinned, “I’ve got a few scratches and dents. I hope they just give me character.” She sat back and pulled her hair back to pin it up. He wished she’d leave it down, but she was on duty. “Anyway, I don’t think we’ll be operating without support much longer. Pretty soon, not even the Council will be able to ignore what’s going on.”

She was shaking her head before he’d even finished speaking, “I’m not so sure. Whenever anyone out here starts to listen to us, the Council starts up with their treaties and heel-dragging. We can’t wait for them to realize we’re right. We can only rely on ourselves.” He was enjoying this back and forth with her, and he felt like maybe she was glad he didn’t just agree with her right away.

It was his turn to shake his head, “We’re not doing the galaxy any favors if we try to force our way into a seat at the grown-up table. They aren’t malicious. The Council’s just… slow to change. My story doesn’t get any better if Vyrnnus is a good guy.”

“You have it backwards…” She said and Kaidan raised an eyebrow at her, she smirked before she continued, “The Council isn’t Vyrnnus, the Council … is you. Gun-shy after past wars, too worried about what might happen to take action.” She was serious with her comparison, but he could hear the teasing accusation behind the words.

He leaned forward and spoke softly, “I’m not gun-shy.” She looked him straight in the eyes, as she smirked. Her eyes were sparkling with humor as she leaned forward, too. They were close, so close he could feel her spearmint breath dance across his cheek. He cleared his throat and sat back. She dropped her head and hid her face behind her knees, laughing.

“I beg to differ,” She responded before lifting her face again, the smile still wide on her full lips. Kaidan took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He decided to drop it. It was a dangerous game they were playing. Maybe he was a little gun-shy, but there was more on the line right now than a broken heart; for both of them.

He changed the subject, “I can’t deny the Council has been reluctant to step up, but with everything we’ve dumped in their laps. You have to admit, it’s overwhelming. They don’t know what to do, so they don’t do anything. I know how paralyzed I was after Jump Zero,” He admitted, using himself as the example again.

“They’re scared,” She continued to argue with a shake of her head, the wayward hair falling again. “They can’t make the hard calls. They’re too afraid of what might happen. You had more spine as a kid than they’re showing now.” He considered her words. She had a point.

“Well, then that’s a low bar for them to be tripping over. I don’t know, maybe we _should_ push for a bigger role when we wrap this up,” He conceded and she grinned triumphantly. “You’re pretty damned persuasive, Shepard. Maybe you should be the Ambassador.”

She threw her head back and laughed loudly, he grinned. She looked to him, “Fuck that! No way are you getting my ass stuck behind a desk. When I’m done out here, and it’s time to put the guns down, I’m retiring to a farm. I’m going to raise some chickens and horses. Maybe I’ll get a dog,” Her eyes shone with excitement as she spoke of her future plans. There was a pleasant smile on her lips, and he had a hard time keeping his eyes off her as she continued, “We’ll plant just enough crops for my husband and kids and I to live off of and just… I don’t know… be still.”

An image flashed before his mind’s eye, unbidden. Shepard years from now, standing barefoot in the grass with her hands on a white fence. The wind whipping her long chocolate hair around her face as she watched her daughter ride a horse around the small circular training area. She wore a long white cotton skirt and a blue top that was snug around her swollen belly. She turned her face towards him, and grinned, and that was when the image disappeared, and he was with her again on the Normandy behind his station. Her eyes locked on his, “That sounds like a great plan, Shepard,” He agreed in a whisper and she chewed her bottom lip. He looked to that stray hair, still hanging in her face. “I’m glad you’ll be here when this is over,” He whispered as he reached out tentatively, and tucked the curl behind her ear. “I’m uh… looking forward to some shore leave,” He heard her breath catch in her throat, and her eyes slid closed as the back of his fingers brushed against her cheek. His heart pounded as she leaned, ever so slightly, into his touch.

“Commander!” Joker’s disembodied voice rang out over head, and Kaidan snatched his hand away like he’d been burned. Her chest rose and fell with a deep sigh as she answered the pilot. “Admiral Hackett is calling for you on the comm.” She thanked Joker and turned back to Kaidan.

She leaned forward over her knees. “Gun-shy,” she whispered with a grin, and Kaidan froze at the accusation. Before he could respond she had stood and was on her way to the stairs to speak with the Admiral in the comm room, leaving a speechless Kaidan at his station.


	20. Chapter 20

It was mid-morning the next day when Shepard’s voice rang out overhead, “Alenko and Williams, get your gear and meet me at the Mako,” The order distracted Kaidan from the program he was running at his station. He checked their location on his console and realized they were approaching Ontarom. He closed out the programs and powered down his station before heading down to the cargo bay to suit up. He met Williams at their lockers, and noticed Shepard at the Mako with Garrus. Ashley finished dressing before he did and went to the vehicle. Kaidan finished with his armor and was going to head over as well. Ashley was already inside and Garrus was going over some of the upgrades he’d done to the vehicle’s weapons.

He found Shepard’s eyes across the bay, and saw her sigh before she started towards him. “Alenko,” She spoke and he faced her. “I already told Williams she’ll be on the guns, I want you to navigate,” She ordered as she lifted her omni-tool and sent him the coordinates. “That’s all the information I got from Hackett. He wasn’t even sure what kind of defenses the compound had, which is why we’re heading down in the Mako,” She explained and he nodded.

"Yes, Ma’am,” he answered, and she chewed her lip as she looked at him. He couldn’t help but notice the nervous energy coming from her. It was in her balled fists at her side, and the way she shifted her weight from foot to foot. He took a step closer to her. He knew he was coming close to crossing the line of her personal space, but her nerves made him wary. After serving with her for this long, he knew she didn’t get nervous like this before a mission, and he was suddenly worried about her. “Everything okay, Shepard?” He asked quietly, the concern bright in his whiskey eyes. She took a deep breath.

"When Hackett called yesterday, he told me there was a connection between the dead scientists and… me,” She explained, and he could tell he looked confused as she sighed. “Apparently, they were all involved in some kind of classified project on Akuze,” She explained, and he felt the realization wash over his face.

"It can’t be connected,” Kaidan said pure disbelief in his tone and he shook his head, and Shepard seemed to relax for a moment.

"That’s what I said to Hackett, but he doesn’t seem as sure. He said I could do what I wanted with the information but… how can I not look into it?” She sighed, and rubbed her face with her gloved hands.

"We’re behind you, Shepard, we’ll get to the bottom of this,” He reached out and placed a hand on her arm. She nodded, appreciation showing in the way her shoulders relaxed. He wanted to promise that _he_ was behind her, that _he_ was here for her, but he took the safer route and promised the team’s support. That small difference kept him on the right side of the line. It gave him the deniability that would allow a way out. After a silent moment, she nodded her head towards the Mako and they walked together. They stopped at the door and, almost out of habit, performed their usual armor check before climbing in.

"Commander, we’re approaching the Drop Zone,” Joker announced through the vehicle’s comm and the trio secured their harnesses. The bay door opened and they dropped from the ship to the planet’s surface. They had given up on getting Shepard to let someone else drive, and after their confrontation with the thresher maw, Kaidan was more than willing to deal with her recklessness if it kept them alive. He was fairly certain no one else could have saved them and the vehicle the way she had.

Kaidan remembered that mission in great detail. He took into consideration the information from Hackett, and he thought about the thresher maw, and Kahoku’s men. That distress beacon had been set there on purpose, and there was a sudden tension in his chest. He chewed the inside of his cheek and turned his attention back to the navigation system. After programming the location of the base into the system and starting the scanner to check for hostiles, he sat back and looked at Shepard. He couldn’t see most of her face due to the helmet, but he could see her eyes and they were focused and intense. With a silent sigh, he looked back to his console.

“We’re coming up on it, Shepard. Should be just over that rise,” Kaidan informed her, and she looked over with mischief in her eyes as she drove the Mako straight up the hill. He heard Ashley’s gentle ‘oof’ as she fell back from a standing position. She had been looking out the guns sight. He suppressed a chuckle and held on as the Mako was nearly vertical on the hill and its tires spun for purchase against the rocky ground. It was slow going, but they finally reached the top. There was a plateau halfway down where the underground bunker’s entrance was. Kaidan turned off the Navigation and prepped to exit the vehicle as Shepard pulled up at the entrance.

The only part of the underground base that was visible was essentially the roof of the entrance area which was a simple circle of metal with a diameter of about twenty feet. The exposed part of the base was only about as far out of the ground as they were tall. The trio exited the Mako and made a quick perimeter check ensuring their vehicle would be safe after they went inside. They met again at the entrance, and Shepard signaled for Kaidan to hack the lock. After a quick moment’s work, the lock turned green and the door opened. They climbed down a ladder and Shepard took point, leading them through the tunnels to the first main room of the base. There was no resistance, at least, not yet. Kaidan ran his scanner and found there were hostiles on the other side of the door, “Seems like we have the right place, Commander,” Ashley commented.

Shepard order Ashley and Kaidan to flank the door. Once she opened it, Ashley was to throw a flash/bang grenade to stun the mercenaries on the other side and allow Shepard to take them out while Kaidan followed with his biotics. He was really getting used to using them offensively, and found it was an intense release to use his power in this way. Something else to be grateful to Shepard for. On Shepard’s word Kaidan hacked the door, and Shepard opened it. Ashley threw her grenade and Shepard followed seconds later firing precision shots as Ashley and Kaidan trailed after cleaning up anything she may have missed. The room was cleared shortly. That was the beauty of Alliance trained soldiers working together.

Kaidan ran his scan and confirmed that all hostiles were neutralized. They worked their way around the room with careful steps and their weapons raised. Shepard reached a door at the opposite end of the room, and it was locked. She called Kaidan over and stood just behind him, watching him work to hack the door. “You should really learn how to do this, Commander,” Kaidan suggested, it was a serious suggestion but he added a tease to his tone.

“I tried, my teachers gave up on me. That’s why I always keep a tech-nerd on my ground squad,” Shepard answered, and Kaidan chuckled ignoring the attempted insult.

“Maybe you need a more patient teacher,” He said as he completed the hack and looked up to the lock on the door as it turned green, allowing them in.

“I’m sure you could teach me a few things,” Shepard answered nonchalantly and Kaidan looked down and found her eyes. Her armored chest brushed against his momentarily as she passed him in the narrow doorway as she moved into the hallway. Kaidan’s ears burned at her suggestion and his eyes followed her. He felt a smirk tugging on his lips, and was grateful for his helmet when he turned towards Ashley whose eyebrow was raised. Kaidan chose to ignore Ashley’s questioning stare and followed Shepard. There was an unlocked door ahead, and Kaidan checked for hostiles. He could see there were a handful of hostiles with weapons raised in the room, but he could also see the hostage. Looks like they’d found the Doctor, and he told Shepard as much.

Shepard opened the door and entered, her pistol pointed at the mercenary in the center of the room. He had his gun pointed to the scientist kneeling in front of him, with his hands behind his head. Kaidan and Ashley flanked Shepard and kept their sights on the two other mercenaries in the room. “Drop your weapon!” She ordered, command thick in her voice as her presence filled the room. It wasn’t the first time Kaidan was thankful he was on her side.

The mercenary in the center of the room seemed to panic. He was bouncing on his toes and shaking his free hand at Shepard while his other remained firm on the gun at the scientist’s head. His voice trembled as he responded, “Stay back! I’ve got no grief with you! All I want is this bastard!”

The scientist looked to Shepard, desperation in his eyes and he pleaded, “Please! He’s a madman!” Then he turned to his captor, “Mr. Toombs, you’re insane! You need help!”

Kaidan could feel the tension coat Shepard. It was like a dulling of the usually vibrant energy he felt from her. She took a step back, and her pistol lowered slightly. With one hand she reached behind her head as Toombs started again at the scientist, “Shut up! You don’t get to lie! You don’t…” He trailed off as Shepard removed her helmet, her pistol still trained on him. Kaidan spoke her name, but she was beyond hearing him. “Shepard? My god, Shepard, is that you?”

Shepard nodded, “I can’t… Toombs? But… I saw you, the thresher maw pulled you under… I saw you die,” She voice held the disbelief she felt. It was tinged with sadness and regret as she lowered her pistol more, but Toombs didn’t. Toombs just seemed angrier at her words.

Toombs glared at them, and then at the scientist at his feet, “They took me, Shepard. The scientists, like Doctor Murphy here,” Toombs’s voice was a sneer when he said the doctor’s name, and Shepard took a miniscule step back from the situation, trying to gauge what was real.

Dr. Murphy spoke up, “You can’t prove any of this! This man is delusional!” He sounded even more frightened now, and the desperation was choking him as his face twisted in fear.

Toombs started again, his voice rough, “See, they were running tests on the thresher maws. They let those things hit us just to watch and study… I woke up in a holding cell. The scientists were delighted I’d survived. Now they had someone to run tests on.” He still had his helmet on, but Kaidan could swear he saw tears fill his eyes and spill over.

Shepard’s voice was distant, “I – I didn’t see anybody, if I’d seen you… Toombs, you have to know that I’d have come back for you. I swear,” She was begging for some kind of absolution from him, and Kaidan’s heart felt heavy as he watched.

Dr. Murphy’s voice was shrill when he yelled, “You can’t believe Toombs! He doesn’t have any proof! I demand a fair trial!” Shepard turned her burning gaze to the scientist as she flared, her body sheathed in the cerulean glow of her power. Kaidan was sure, this time, it wasn’t for show. She turned her eyes to the Doctor.

“She was there, you bastard! She knows the truth!” Toombs yelled, he sounded crazy. He looked back to Shepard, “They’re part of some organization, _Cerberus_ , which runs secret tests like this. They treated me like a lab animal. This man deserves to die, Shepard. For you, for me, for everyone else in the unit! Are you with me?”

Shepard dropped her weapon, and holstered it. Kaidan and Ashley kept theirs on the extra mercenaries in the room. She took a step closer to her friend; her squad mate, she had called them family when she had spoken about them to Kaidan. “You’re better than this, Toombs. You’re not like them.”

His eyes turned icy and he glared at Shepard, “Don’t tell me who I am! You got away with a few scratches and a scary reputation! The rest of the unit died, and I was tortured for years, Shepard! You can’t judge me. You don’t have the right.”

She let out a deep sigh, and her shoulders fell, “You’re right, Toombs. You have to know that if I could’ve helped you on Akuze, I would have. We were close, weren’t we? All of us,” She took another step closer to the man, “Remember when we would all sit around in the evening and talk about the things we missed about home? Shafer, he missed the music on Earth. He said everything out here had an odd digital sound to it. Fantrazzo, she missed her kids. She used to talk to us about the trouble they’d get into and she always had pictures on her ‘tool. McKay, he missed his mom’s cooking,” Shepard blessed him with a wide smile, but it still looked a little sad to Kaidan. “What was the meal she always used to make for him when he’d go home for leave?”

Toombs stared at her for a long time before he whispered, “Pot roast and noodles.”

“Right! That’s right, Toombs. I couldn’t help you on Akuze and I couldn’t help any of them. I don’t think any of them want you to do this. This isn’t right, you have to know that. Don’t you? All I can do is help now, Toombs. Let me,” Shepard pleaded and took another step closer, she placed her hand on his extended arm; the arm that held the gun on the doctor. They kept eye contact for a long time, at least it felt like a long time to Kaidan.

Toombs finally spoke, his voice thick with tears already spent and the ones he was holding back, “Okay, I’m no murderer. They couldn’t make me one,” Toombs lowered his arm and turned to Shepard, “Just as long as he goes to trial,” He asked and Shepard promised him he would. Toombs nodded and sunk to the floor. “Maybe the screaming will stop now. I don’t know…” Shepard crouched down in front of him and spoke softly to him. Kaidan secured the mercenaries against the wall while Ashley secured the Doctor.

Shepard stood after a minute, and radioed the Normandy, “Joker, tell the Fifth Fleet we need a ship for a pick-up.” Joker answered in the affirmative, and then responded shortly after stating Admiral Hackett would be sending a ship to pick them up and it would be there within the hour.

Shepard was sitting with Toombs while they waited. They were talking quietly with their heads close. Kaidan watched from across the room as she comforted, and sought forgiveness from, her friend. Ashley came up next to him, “Tough day, huh?” She asked and Kaidan nodded.

“I don’t remember the last easy day we had, Ash,” Kaidan commented, finally tearing his eyes from Shepard and looking at the Chief.

“Makes me think about that thresher maw you took out a couple weeks ago? Think it’s that Cerberus group?” She asked as she holstered her weapon.

“What are the odds there’s two groups out there luring Alliance soldiers to thresher maw nests?” Kaidan asked her with a raised eyebrow and Ashley shook her head as the door to the room opened and Captain Jennings of the SSV Cherbourg marched in. Kaidan and Ashley snapped to attention and Shepard stood to do the same, just a little slower.

Jennings returned the salute they offered and waved a hand about the room, signaling for them to relax and Ashely and Kaidan did as the Military Police came in to take custody of the mercenaries left alive and the Doctor. Williams followed the MP out of the room to make her way back to the Mako, and Kaidan was just behind her, “Alenko!” Shepard’s voice rang out.

He turned, “Commander?”

“Escort Corporal Toombs to the Cherbourg. Their Doctor will be waiting for you at their airlock,” She stated and Kaidan saluted and answered in the affirmative. He walked over and offered a hand to the broken man, and avoided eye contact with Shepard as he turned to lead him from the room leaving Shepard and Jennings alone.

Once they were back on the Normandy, Shepard went to her quarters and hadn’t been seen since. Kaidan was worried about her. Within the last few weeks she had come face to face with a lot of her demons, and he just hoped she was finding closure and not reopened wounds. He needed to take his mind off her. There was nothing he could do. Certainly not while she was hidden away in her quarters. With a sigh, his shift came to an end and he powered down his station. He went to the mess and found Wrex, Liara, and Garrus at a table already eating.

Garrus waved him over and he filled his tray before making his way over to the table. He joined the group and Wrex was the first to comment on the amount of food he had. “Honestly, it’s the biotics. I’m using them more often and in ways I haven’t in years. If I don’t refuel, I’ll crash and be completely useless,” Kaidan explained.

“Your biotics are coming along nicely,” Wrex complimented in his gruff voice. “Williams said in that last fight, it looked like you even surprised yourself.” Wrex leaned back in the chair, and Kaidan heard it creak beneath his weight. He wasn’t able to respond as he had a mouthful of food.

“Your biotic skills are extremely impressive, Kaidan. I rarely see anyone with your level of ability,” Garrus offered while Kaidan swallowed and took a drink.

“Thank you. I always held back a little when I used my powers on moving targets. I guess, out of a fear of hurting someone. After what I saw on Eden Prime, I’m not holding back anymore, not against the geth, not against anyone,” Kaidan explained, looking between the aliens he was eating with. If you had told him six months ago, he would be in this very position, he would have called a doctor for you.

“Shepard had something to do with it, too. Is that right?” Liara asked softly. Kaidan looked to the Asari and was grateful she had ventured out of her hole for a meal. It was the first time he’d really spoken to her since Noveria.

“Yeah,” Kaidan nodded, “She did.” Liara lifted her eyes and found Kaidan’s. Kaidan knew some of the crew were still wary of her. Kaidan had to admit he was impressed by her. She’s not a soldier. She’s a scientist. It was her mother’s actions, not her own, that got her caught up in this whirlwind mission. Yet, she didn’t back down or hide away from it. She was on the forefront of the fight, doing what she could to help. Even though it meant taking a kill shot no child should ever have to take. Liara nodded, and dropped her eyes from his. She was hiding it as best she could, but she still seemed broken. He could only hope that eventually the wounds would heal.

“You’ve got impressive biotic power. Humans should never have switched to the weaker L3 implant,” Wrex scolded, disappointment in his voice and Kaidan looked over to him.

“Well, my headaches can be pretty bad, and I’m one of the lucky L2 implants. The L3s are safer,” Kaidan defended his race and their decision to switch.

Wrex’s gravelly voice sounded annoyed when he responded, “You don’t stop using a gun just because the kickback has a little sting.”

“No,” Kaidan said, “You don’t. However, if just having the gun in your hand could take your own head off, or make you take kill shots at friendlies… you stop using the gun.” Wrex turned his head slightly and trained one red eye on Kaidan who returned the stare. Kaidan could feel Garrus and Liara’s eyes moving back and forth between the two of them, but he didn’t look away.

“The Asari don’t need the implants,” Liara offered as a way to ease the unexpected tension and Kaidan turned his head away from the Krogan.

“Really? Then I’m surprised more Asari don’t use biotics,” Kaidan commented as he finished the last few bites of his meal.

“Well, while we have the natural biotic ability, not all have the desire to learn to use their abilities effectively,” Liara explained with a shrug.

“I can’t imagine having the ability without needing the implants and choosing not to learn,” Kaidan shook his head as he spoke. Liara tilted her head at him.

“Can all humans play the piano?” Liara asked him, and Kaidan could feel the confusion play on his features.

“Can we? Yeah, all humans could play piano, but not all humans learn how – I see what you did there,” Kaidan said with a grin and Liara smiled back.

“It is exactly the same. I can see why it would be shocking to hear that not all of my people learn to use their biotics, but we have had the capability for millennia. Humans have not had the same opportunities,” Liara answered simply. “I believe the phrase is ‘like a kid on Christmas,’ is that right?” Liara asked, and Kaidan nodded.

“Yeah, that’s right,” Kaidan answered and was glad when Liara smiled, it brightened her eyes if only for a moment. Kaidan’s omni-tool went off, and he excused himself to read the message. Joker was asking for help with one of the consoles in the cockpit again. “Duty calls,” Kaidan said as he stood, and wished the group a good evening before heading up to help the pilot.


	21. Chapter 21

Kaidan was sitting with Ashley in the comm room waiting for Shepard to arrive. She had ordered them to meet her here and since then they were trying to figure out why. Shepard had kept herself pretty scarce since finding Toombs alive earlier that week. There was a mounting tension on the ship as they continued to wait with no word from the Council on Saren. At first, Kaidan had thought maybe she’d finally had a lead on the rogue Spectre, but if she had she would have called more than Ashley and him to the meeting. She breezed in and Kaidan was surprised by the bags under her eyes, and the disheveled look of her uniform. His concern for her caused a tension in his chest he was unfamiliar with, and he shifted in his seat as she sat across from them.

She pulled up her omni-tool, the orange light illuminating her face as she accessed her messages. The shadows casted over her face made her look smaller, younger maybe, and Kaidan and Ashley looked to each other briefly while they waited for her to speak. She didn’t. She kept her eyes down as she played a message for them, “Shepard, this is Admiral Kahoku. I found out who set that trap for my men. The ones killed by the thresher maw. Damn, I hope you get this message. It was a group called _Cerberus_ ,” At the name of the group, Shepard’s eyes lifted and found Kaidan’s. She was livid. Her eyes were burning like a gas flame, a sign of barely restrained power. Cerberus had kicked the proverbial hornet’s nest and had no idea the storm that was going to be unleashed on them. The message continued, “An Alliance black ops organization, top secret, highest-level security clearance. They vanished a few months ago. Dropped right off the grid. Nobody knew where they went or what they were up to. They’ve gone completely rogue, Shepard! They’re conducting illegal genetic experiments, trying to create some kind of super soldier. I don’t have any proof, but I found the coordinates for one of their research worlds. I’m uploading them with this message. They’re completely out of control. Somebody needs to stop them. I’ve done my part. Now, it’s up to you. This is… this is probably the last you’ll hear from me. Cerberus is after me now. I need to disappear before they find me,” The message cut off then.

The silence that filled the room as the three Alliance Officers looked back and forth at each other was heavy. “What are we waiting for?” Ashley asked, her tone dark and angry but no match for the anger rolling off Shepard in waves.

“We’re not, we’re on our way. I wanted you to know what we’re up against. I … We need answers. They need to answer for what they have done. If we can, I want to take them alive. I want them on trial. Death would be too easy for them,” Shepard ordered, her voice grim and strained. “It will be the three of us. This is an Alliance issue, not a Council one. Ashley, ensure the weapons are ready. We’re only about four hours away,” Shepard ordered and Ashley answered in the affirmative. “Dismissed.” Kaidan and Ashley stood and left the room. Kaidan looked over his shoulder and saw her drop her head into her hands. He forced himself to leave and while Ashley went down the stairs to attend to the weapons, he turned and went to the cockpit.

He sat in the co-pilot’s seat to check on the upgrades he’d installed for Joker the other day. Joker glanced at him quickly, “We’ve got about three and a half hours before we’re at Binthu.” Kaidan nodded and thanked the pilot. The cockpit was silent, and Kaidan felt an odd tension between Joker and himself and he wasn’t sure what it was. “Glad we’re done with Noveria. That place gave me the creeps,” Joker commented, and Kaidan nodded.

“Yeah, I don’t know what was worse, the cold or the corporations,” Kaidan commented, somewhat distracted as he watched the code in front of him.

“One will freeze your balls off, the other will sell them out from under you,” Joker muttered and Kaidan looked over at him. When Joker turned to look at him, they laughed together. Kaidan wasn’t sure what had caused the tension when he first entered the cockpit but he was glad it was over. They sat in companionable silence for awhile. “Things still good over there? I don’t know why I have such a problem with that console,” Joker asked.

Kaidan nodded, “Yeah, me neither. I just ran a couple diagnostics and everything is running smoothly still. I think that last upgrade I gave it may have finally solved the problem. At least for now, until we can get her into dry-dock and give her a full workup,” He added as he logged off the system.

“My baby doesn’t need a workup. She’s perfect,” Joker muttered and Kaidan chuckled. Kaidan moved to stand to head down to the cargo bay. “Are things alright between Wrex and Garrus?” Joker asked and Kaidan sat back in the seat, surprised by the question.

“Yeah, as far as I know. Why do you ask?” Kaidan inquired as he watched Joker navigate the ship.

“Well, I was checking the cameras … and no before you ask I was not spying on anyone,” Joker turned and looked at Kaidan from beneath the brim of his cap. Kaidan raised his eyebrows in disbelief. “Anyway, it’s a good thing I was looking because I’m pretty sure they were near blows. I mean, I couldn’t hear anything but it was pretty clear that Wrex was going all biotic and the last thing we need is a hole in the hull. So, I suggested to Shepard she head down to check it out,” Kaidan let his comment sink in before he responded. “From what I saw, it was pretty heated and it took Shepard a good fifteen to get them to their respective corners.”

“Well, I sat with them at chow last night and they seemed fine. Whatever it was, it’s been settled,” Kaidan answered as he processed this Joker’s statements. He could watch what was happening on the cameras. Kaidan had to admit, part of him had thought the cameras were for show. He should have known better.

“Yeah, Shepard’s good like that,” Joker answered. “Probably something to do with the Genophage. Apparently, no one likes being sterilized,” Joker’s tone was thick with sarcasm and he paused as his eyes narrowed and his hands flew frantically over is console for a second. Kaidan was impressed at the pilot’s ability to multi-task. “Thing is, this is the Alliance. There are eyes everywhere! People don’t realize if you’re not hittin’ the head, in the elevator, or in Shepard’s cabin … it’s all ‘Smile, you’re on Candid Camera! Normandy Edition.’” Kaidan just chuckled before standing.

“Well, I guess it’s a good thing we’ve got you keeping an eye on things, Big Brother,” Kaidan offered, clapping him lightly on the shoulder as he passed to make his way down to check on Ashley’s progress.

“Yeah, you have no idea,” Joker responded sardonically, before calling out, “Later,” to the retreating Lieutenant. Kaidan walked to the elevator, his eyes glancing up every few steps to spot the cameras near the ceiling. He chuckled as he headed down the stairs to the crew deck before heading to the elevator. It was waiting for him when he reached it and he stepped inside and pressed the call button for the cargo bay. He glanced up in the corner and confirmed there were no cameras in the elevator. He filed that piece of information away. He’d have to remember not to do anything embarrassing while in full view of the cameras.

It was about 2 hours later when Shepard was driving the Mako, with Kaidan navigating and Ashley on the guns towards the first of three compounds on Binthu. As they approached the first underground bunker, Kaidan’s scan of the area alerted them to turrets on the roof of the complex. Shepard swung the Mako around broadside and Ashley made quick work of the turrets, the Mako sustaining minimal, if any, damage. “Nice work,” Shepard complimented as she straightened out the Mako and continued on to the station. She pulled up at the entrance and they exited. The building was as exposed as the complex on Ontarom. Just the roof of the entrance showing, about as high as they were tall.

Kaidan moved forward to hack the door. Once it was open they dropped inside. There anteroom held only empty shipping crates, and they moved to the next door. Before starting the hack, Kaidan ran a scan of the room on the other side of the door. The radar showed half a dozen bodies inside and some small bring scuttling around the center of the room. Kaidan focused on one and ran a diagnostic on the form. “Rachni Workers,” Kaidan announced and she raised an eyebrow in question, “The little ones, that explode,” He clarified, and she nodded. They waited for the radar on the scanner to show the Cerberus workers on the opposite side of the room before she gave him the signal to open the door.

Once he did, they moved silently into the room. The room was large and square. A few feet into the room, in each corner, there was a large, square pillar. Between the pillars there was a blue energy field keeping the Rachni Workers in the center of the room and away from the scientists studying them. Shepard had taken cover behind a control console on one side of the square containment field. She signaled them to hold their position as she leaned out of cover to check the location of the scientists.  She waited for a second, waited for them to turn their backs for just a moment. Then she darted out of cover to the next pillar. She stood with her back to it. She looked to Kaidan and Ashley. She would take the first shot, and once she did she was sure they would retaliate. Hopefully, they would leave the containment field open and either walk directly towards her or to Kaidan and Ashley.

She took two slow deep breaths before she leaned over and fired the first shot with her pistol. The sound bounced off the walls and echoed. The scientist fell to his knees, then onto his face. A single red dot in the center of his forehead the only evidence of an attack. The scientists were apparently more than scientists as they pulled weapons of their own and returned the attack. Two moving towards Shepard as three thought they were moving to flank her and ran right into Kaidan and Ashley who had waited for the right moment to leave cover. Kaidan lifted two of the scientists at once while Ashley took out the third before they turned their gunfire on the two scientists who were screaming as they floated above their heads. Once they fell to the floor. Kaidan and Ashley turned to Shepard who had just taken a final shot at the last scientist.

“Area clear, Commander,” Kaidan confirmed after running his scan.

“Well, aside from the bugs,” Ashley corrected as they turned their attention to the containment area. Shepard moved to the control console. She looked to Kaidan and Ashley who readied their rifles to take out the Rachni as soon as the field was down. Shepard punched in the commands to deactivate the energy and the Rachni started to scuttle towards them like overgrown cockroaches. They didn’t get far before they were taken out in a hailstorm of bullets leaving puddles of acid where they had been. As Ashley and Kaidan took out the Rachni while Shepard checked out the information on the console.

“There are two other labs on this planet. We’ve got more work to do,” Shepard announced as she looked to her team. They nodded and she led them out of the lab and back to the Mako. Kaidan programmed the coordinates of the additional labs into the navigation system and Shepard headed off towards the nearest lab. The vehicle was silent as they traveled across the planet. It only took about ten minutes to reach the next lab. Ashley handled the turrets with precision strikes before they pulled up at the door. They performed the same perimeter check before entering. Kaidan ran a scan, hoping they hadn’t suspected something had happened at the first lab. They were lucky.

This lab was set up the same way. “What are they studying here?” Shepard asked Kaidan and he extended the scan to check the being in the center of the room. It was a Rachni Solider, and he told Shepard as much, letting her know it was one of the big ones. “Alright, when we go in, get to cover again. I’m going to take the force field down right away. Hopefully, the bug will go after the scientists first,” They acknowledged the order and Shepard waited another minute before they entered. They took the same positions as they had in the first lab, except instead of waiting, Shepard took out the field, and returned to cover while the Rachni turned its angry attention to the scientists.

“What the fuck?!” One of the scientists screamed out before the Rachni answered. Kaidan leaned out of cover and watched as the Rachni took out it’s vengeance on two of the scientists with acid spit and his large claws before a third lifted it biotically and then the rest took it out. There were four scientists left, and they were making their way across the room towards Shepard. Shepard signaled for Kaidan to lift two and that she would throw the others. She counted down on with her fingers. On go, she stood and tossed two of the scientists to the back wall while Kaidan lifted one, the other was the biotic and was able to defend himself from the attack. He fired at Shepard but the shot rebounded off her shields as Ashley came out and fired, silencing the biotic while Kaidan and Shepard turned their weapons on the rest of the scientists. The silence hung heavy in the air as they made their way around the lab after holstering their weapons.

Kaidan found some information on one of the computers, so he uploaded it to the Alliance database for review. “Still no sign of Kahoku,” Ashley commented as they turned to make their way out of the lab and back to the Mako. Kaidan had a sinking feeling they wouldn’t be so lucky at the third lab. He had the suspicion they would be ready for him.

He was right.

They reached the third lab and once the turrets were dealt with, they entered as they had previously. However, when Kaidan ran his scan of the next room, he found the scientists in defensible positions, awaiting their arrival. Before opening the door, Kaidan ran his scan. “We’ve got eight scientists. It looks like three Thorian Creepers,” He noticed Shepard shudder.

“They’re ready for us. We’re going to have to go in shooting. Check your shields. Alenko, keep your Barrier up as long as you can. Let’s try to hit the ones closest to the door with the Biotics to give Williams a chance to get to cover,” Shepard ordered and Kaidan let his biotics ignite and the energy sheathed him like a second skin. His eyes caught Shepard’s for a second, before she opened the door. Gunfire erupted immediately, and Ashley dove for cover behind the computer terminal, bullets bouncing off her shields, while Kaidan and Shepard Lifted the Cerberus scientists closest to the door.

Once she was protected Ashley turned and added her gunfire to Kaidan and Shepard’s as they shot the Lifted scientists before turning their attention to the five remaining scientists. The barrier was still up, which offered them some additional protection. Shepard signaled for Kaidan to go one way around the protected area while she and Ashley went the other way. Once Kaidan rounded the corner he lost sight of Shepard and Williams so he focused on the scientists he was approaching.

He was able to sneak up behind one of the scientists and take him out silently by wrapping his arms around his neck and twisting violently. A sharp crack and a lost breath the only sounds indicating the man had been attacked. Kaidan laid the dead man down quietly as he used the pillar at this corner for cover before leaning over to see what was next. He heard two gunshots and saw a blue sheathed scientist fly into the wall. Ashley and Shepard had taken out two. He checked his scanner and confirmed the two he was facing were the last two scientists here. They were both heavily shielded. Kaidan readied a tech attack to overload their shields and executed it. Seconds later, and before they could react to the loss of their shields, Shepard and Ashley left cover and took them out. The silence was broken only by the groaning cries of the Creepers still in their cage.

With a deep sigh, Shepard led them back to the control console to take down the barrier and kill the Creepers. Once it was disabled, quick gunfire from the three of them caused each of the Creepers to erupt with that unfortunately familiar stench of rotting flesh and compost. They stowed their weapons and started their search of the lab. “Shepard,” Kaidan said as he moved into the center of the room. There was a dead body dressed in Alliance Dress Blues. As Shepard moved over to him, he dropped to one knee and turned the body over.

They found Admiral Kahoku.

“How’d he die? Can you tell?” Shepard asked Kaidan, her voice was frozen steel and he opened his omni-tool to run a scan over the man’s body. Shepard’s eyes were blank as her hands clenched at her sides, her lips tight.

“No evidence of physical trauma, so, it wasn’t the Creepers,” He offered as he completed the scan. “There are needle marks on his arm, though. I won’t be able to tell what drug was used. The Alliance will have to complete the autopsy,” Kaidan offered as he stood and Shepard nodded turning her eyes down to her omni-tool. She reached out to Alliance Command to inform them of the Admiral’s fate.

“Hey, L.T.,” Ashley called out from behind the console and he made his way over while Shepard finished her call. He looked over her shoulder at the console and she pointed to one line in particular. “That what I think it is?” She asked looking at him over her shoulder. Kaidan confirmed that it was and she nodded. She looked to the Commander, and then turned her eyes back to Kaidan. She seemed uncomfortable calling Shepard over, the Commander’s anger was intimidating. He nudged her and gave her a disbelieving look and she laughed quietly at herself, “Commander Shepard, I think I found the coordinates for their main base.”

Shepard ended her call and joined them at the console. “Perfect. Let’s go,” She said and turned on her heel to leave the lab. Ashley finished downloading the information from the terminal before she and Kaidan followed her. They met her at the Mako and climbed inside. She radioed Joker for extraction and they were picked up momentarily. “Don’t bother undressing,” Shepard ordered as they exited the Mako. “We’re heading right to Nepheron. We should be there in less than an hour. Check the weapons and make sure everything is ready. Alenko, eat something,” She ordered, removing her helmet before heading to the elevator. “This ends today,” She declared as she punched the button on the elevator. Her stance rigid and eyes tight. Kaidan’s jaw clenched as he watched the doors close on her. With a frustrated sigh, he met Ashley at the weapons station.

They weapons hadn’t sustained any damage during their time on Binthu, Ashley really just had to restock the ammo and heat sinks to ensure the trio had a sufficient amount going into their raid on the main base. Garrus came over to the station, concern playing between the tones of his voice, “What’s going on, Alenko?” He asked, placing his taloned hands on the station’s counter and Kaidan lifted his eyes to Ashley’s. Ashley just shrugged and turned her attention back to the weapon she was working on.

“What do you know about the Commander’s history?” Kaidan asked, and Garrus admitted he knew very little. He had heard of the raid on her hometown, and that she had completed the N7 training, but not much more than that. Kaidan sighed and stretched his neck from side to side, his hand coming up to rub the back of his neck. “There was a situation on Akuze, one of her first assignments. She had volunteered for it,” Kaidan answered and filled him in on the massacre with information from the Alliance reports, nothing that Shepard had confided in him. He knew better. “She was the only survivor,” Kaidan finished and realized Wrex had wandered over and listened in on the conversation. “Turns out, Cerberus was behind the massacre on Akuze and the attack on Kahoku’s men. According to the information we’ve gathered, it looks like they’re conducting illegal genetic research trying to create some kind of super soldier.”

“I had heard about Akuze. I didn’t make the connection,” Wrex responded, his stone voice startling Kaidan, who nodded. “So she did know what she was doing when you met the maw on Edolus.” Kaidan nodded. “What’s going on now? Why are we being kept out of it?”

“It’s none of your business,” Ashley answered quietly and all three sets of eyes turned to her. Kaidan opened his mouth to reprimand her when she continued, “No, I mean, that came out wrong,” She back pedaled, “I truly meant no disrespect. It’s just, this is something that has affected her life and shaped her career with the Alliance. It’s an Alliance issue, and I think the Commander wanted to handle it as an Alliance Commander and not as a Council Spectre,” Ashley explained as she turned an uncharacteristic shade of red.

“That makes sense,” Garrus acknowledged, “I hope she knows she can count on us, though, for whatever she needs.” Garrus’s eyes flicked to Wrex who nodded in agreement and Kaidan was overwhelmed by their dedication to Shepard, and knew she would be, too. His stomach rumbled as a reminder of Shepard’s order to refuel.

“I’m sure she appreciates that,” Kaidan offered with a nod, before excusing himself. He took the elevator up a floor to grab a few high-calorie, high-protein energy bars from the mess and went to his station. He opened the package and powered up his console to upload the information they had retrieved from the labs. The bar may have looked like chocolate, but it tasted like mud and had the consistency of soft tofu. It was not appetizing, but it would get the job done. He turned towards the footsteps heading his way and found Shepard opening her own energy bar.

“We’ve got about twenty minutes before we reach Nepheron. Is Ashley done with the weapons?” She asked as she took a bite from the bar and Kaidan nodded. “All this technology and they can’t make these taste better,” She mumbled as her face twisted and he grinned.

“I was just thinking the same thing,” He commented, there was a thick silence over them as they ate. He thought she seemed a bit more relaxed than she had in awhile, “You good, Shepard?” He asked her and she looked up at him, her surprise at his question evident in her wide eyes and lifted eyebrows.

“Yeah, I am,” She answered simply, he nodded, not really sure if he believed her and she must have been able to tell. “You know, I’ve told you, there has been a lot of personal stuff these last few weeks. The good thing is that it’s allowing me to work through it and finally put it behind me in ways I thought I already had. After helping Talitha and Toombs, it’s almost like… I don’t know… an absolution, one I thought would never come. Now, we have the opportunity to take out their main base, I’m grateful for it,” She explained and he smiled at her, glad she was taking these situations so positively. It spoke volumes for her state of mind.

“And here I was thinking you were damaged goods,” He, turning her words back on her, and she blessed him with her rich, breathy laugh as she made eye contact. He couldn’t help but notice the brightness in her eyes. It did seem like some of the shadows that had haunted her had lifted. He thought she looked almost happy for the first time since he’d met her. Her smile fell slightly, her cheeks darkened and she bit her lip as a pleasant heat infused itself into their moment. His hands itched to reach out and touch her face, like he had the day before. Then he remembered Joker’s comment about cameras and he clenched his fist at his side to stem the urge. Instead, since their hands were blocked from the camera due to his console, he reached out and took her hand briefly and she graced him, again, with a genuine smile.

“Commander, we’re five minutes out from the Drop Zone,” Joker’s voice rang out overhead, and instead of dropping her hand he squeezed it. Neither one of them looked away as she thanked the pilot. They waited, attempting to hold on to this moment for as long as they could. Her gun-shy accusation rang loud in his ears and he was determined not to be the one to let go.

She chuckled, gave his hand a tug as she dropped her eyes, “Let’s go,” She ordered with a grin as she dropped his hand and he powered down his station while she turned and went to the elevator. By the time he met her there, the elevator had arrived to take them down to the cargo bay. They stepped inside and leaned on opposite sides of the elevator. He was roughly eight feet away from her, but he could feel her presence like she was standing right next to him. Whether it was her biotics, or just her, he didn’t know and he didn’t care. He enjoyed it. The elevator reached its destination much faster than he would have liked, and they exited. They met Ashley at the Mako and climbed in, assuming their expected seats. After strapping themselves in, Shepard looked over to Kaidan, then twisted to look at Ashley. “Let’s get this done,” She said simply as the Mako was dropped to the planet’s surface.


	22. Chapter 22

Finishing off Cerberus’s main base was nothing if not anticlimactic. The facility was slightly larger than the three labs on the previous planet. They had more efficient defenses on the outside, but the Mako handled them quickly. Afterward, they entered and dispatched the Cerberus workers inside but only after they were fired upon first. Once they were neutralized, they searched the facility and found the mainframe. As Kaidan hacked into the system, the program started self-deleting. He copied as much as he could before the system was wiped clean. Shepard’s disappointment was expressed with a sigh and she gave the order to leave. He was able to get a majority of the information, but it was heavily encoded and would take a long time to work through.

After Shepard had submitted her report on Cerberus’s activities and the death of the Admiral, she had received the order from Alliance Brass to report to Arcturus Station for a formal debrief. The crew only had a few hours left of liberty. Shepard had given them the night to allow the ship to restock and refuel while she met with the higher ups. They were scheduled to ship out early the next morning, and Kaidan didn’t want to spend the evening cooped up in his quarters on the base. However, with it having been an unscheduled trip back he hadn’t had time to reach out and make plans with any of his friends before they had arrived. Truthfully, there were only a few of his acquaintances still stationed here. Most were off on their own assignments. It was always hard to keep up with friends while in active duty with the Alliance.

This left him wandering the market area of the Station checking for new upgrades or modifications that he might be interested in picking up for his omni-tool or his amp. Unfortunately, there was nothing that caught his eye. Well, nothing he could afford to drop the credits for. As he left the shop, he checked the time on his ‘tool as his stomach rumbled reminding him he hadn’t eaten dinner yet. He made his way towards his favorite restaurant. It was the only place to get decent ramen on the station and it had an ideal view of the ships taking off and landing.

He’d ordered his food and planted himself on a nearby bench to enjoy his meal while admiring the sights of the station. People-watching was something he always enjoyed. He finished his meal and leaned back, his empty food containers in a bag on the bench next to him. He stretched his arms out along the back of the seat. When he looked up, he recognized the snug fit of a set of Alliance dress blues on the shoulders, waist, and hips of his Commanding Officer. She was off to his left, leaning forward and resting her forearms on the railing at the edge of the walkway looking over the landing area. He gave himself a moment to admire the curves of her shapely figure. It was a view he should not have been so quick to recognize, but one he appreciated nonetheless. He wondered if she always wore the pant suit or if she had occasion to wear the optional skirt. If he were a betting man, he would feel confident that even her calves were sexy. He felt the grin tug on his face and he half-heartedly scolded himself as he stood to dispose of his trash before walking towards her.

She looked his way as he approached and he was pleased by the smile she gave him. Her eyes brightening as she watched him. “Evening, Commander,” He offered her as he reached her and turned to copy her stance; arms on the railing, slightly slouched, as they watched the SSV Warsaw, an older frigate, pull into dock.

“Lieutenant,” She greeted with a smirk as she turned her eyes away from him. “I’m surprised the Warsaw’s still in use,” She commented and Kaidan agreed. They stood in companionable silence. They were close, and though they weren’t touching – weren’t even close to touching – Kaidan still felt like he was breaking some kind of rule. Maybe it had to do with the way he wanted to reach over and take her hand as they stood in silence. She cleared her throat softly after a moment and turned. She rested her elbows behind her on the railing and looked to Kaidan. “Did you have a pleasant evening?”

“Better than yours, I’m sure. How was the debrief?” He asked and she rolled her eyes with a near silent sigh. She filled him in on the useless meeting she’d been in with her superiors. “It just seems like they’re too eager to brush it under the rug. We were able to terminate this cell so the problem is solved. You know damn well the people we killed were working for someone,” She looked to him, hoping he agreed with her and he did. He nodded and she continued, “but they ‘don’t think it warrants further man power’ right now,” Her voice had dropped an octave and took on a slightly British accent as she repeated an Admiral’s words. Then she sighed and shook her head.

“Well, we did take out the people doing the experiments with the Thresher Maws, so there is that,” He reminded her and she looked up at him with a cocked eyebrow.

“You have an amazing ability to find the bright side,” It was almost an accusation, but he had the feeling that it was something she appreciated.

“Well, when you’re followed by rainclouds your whole life you’ve got to look for the light somewhere,” He answered with a shrug and she chuckled dropping her eyes to her feet. He kept watching her, though his frame was still facing the railing. She was chewing her lip again, and he had to tear his eyes away from her. “Look, Shepard,” He paused and looked around. They weren’t alone but the area was so crowded it offered a sense of solitude. She looked up at him, and his eyes found hers and he was caught off-guard by the heat in her gaze. He lost the words he had started to say, and instead looked away from her, swallowing hard. “Any word on Saren?” He asked, his voice had taken on a sudden gravel tone that surprised him.

“No, I can’t help but think, I don’t know,” She sighed and turned back towards the ships. He glanced at her.

“We’ll find him,” He promised and she looked up at him, her lips pulled in a smile as she thanked “Mr. Bright-Side” and he chuckled. He felt her gaze on him, it always surprised him how tangible it was. He cleared his throat softly, “Listen, I have this feeling in my gut that something is going to happen soon. Maybe that’s silly but I can’t help but think that, one way or another, this mission is going to end and soon,” He paused and looked towards her, meeting her eyes. He thought she looked almost hopeful. He clasped his hands in front of him and his voice dropped to a near whisper. No one but Shepard would be able to hear him, even though they were surrounded by a sea of strangers in uniform. She leaned closer to him, it was barely noticeable from the outside, but he felt the rush he had associated with being this close to her. “Eventually, this mission will end and when it does, you won’t be my Commanding Officer anymore.”

“No, I won’t and it will be nice to get away; to have a real shore leave,” She added softly, and glanced back up at him. “Do you know where you’ll be taking your time off?”

“Well, truthfully, I kind of hoped any shore leave we had would be joint,” He admitted quietly and she raised an eyebrow, and smirked up at him.

“That’s a little presumptuous, don’t you think?” She teased and turned her eyes away from him, looking out over the landing area. He admired her profile as a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. He didn’t answer her. He turned his body slightly towards her, supporting himself with one elbow on the railing. He was waiting for her to turn her eyes back to him. It was a long moment filled with the thundering of his heartbeat in his ears before she looked at him. His eyes flicked down to her mouth as she wet her lips.

“No,” His answer was simple. She smirked, and nodded, as her eyes searched his. “And when we’re on leave, together, I plan on buying you a meal.”

Her face was unreadable as she stared at him. It felt like forever before she spoke leaning in even closer to him, oblivious to the people milling about around them, “Are you asking me on a date, Lieutenant?” The nearly husky tone in her voice sent an instant shiver down his spine, and he felt the heat rising from his collar as his heart pounded madly against his ribs.

It was his turn to move closer, and he took a small step to the side so his arm brushed against hers on the railing without moving his eyes from hers. He felt the gentle tingle of her biotics against his arm. He leaned slightly closer, ignorant of the people passing behind them. “Yes,” He answered in a whisper, and he watched her cheeks flush. He liked that; that he could say something and make her react that way.

“I don’t know how that would work out for you,” She said simply, her eyes moving from his to his lips and then out to the vista before them. His head cocked in response, not sure what she meant, so he asked her. She turned back to him, her face serious. “Don’t you know? I eat baby thresher maws for breakfast,” She said, and then her face broke out in a smile and she laughed, looking away from him again.

“Breakfast? Now who’s being presumptuous?” A pregnant silence fell on them, both aware of the unanswered question still hanging between them. That breach of protocol, that step out of bounds, and try as he might he couldn’t bring himself to care that it was against the rules. He cleared his throat, “Well, Shepard, we could start with dinner. What would you like?” He asked again, an uncertain rasp thick in his voice. She turned to look at him, her eyes narrowed and he realized she was enjoying this. She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it without answering him as she kept her eyes on him.

“Full grown Thresher Maws,” She answered with a squint in her eye, unable to keep a straight face as a grin broke out on her soft features. Kaidan sighed deeply with a gentle chuckle and looked away from her as the anxiety burned in his chest. Why was she making this so difficult on him? Then, thankfully, she threw out a life line. “Kaidan,” She whispered his name and he looked up at her. “No woman wants to be called by her last name when she is asked out on a date.”

Realization dawned on his features; he’d never once called her by her first name. The Alliance part of him would never have allowed it, while the man in him had rolled the name around in his thoughts and dreams, where the Alliance had no control. Yet, she’d just given him permission, in not so many words. He licked his lips and spoke again, “Sloan,” he watched as her eyes closed when her name had left his lips. Her chest rose and fell with a deep sigh before her brilliant blue eyes met his again, “what do you eat for dinner?” He asked quietly and Kaidan saw something new in her eyes, something he had never noticed before, and he wished he could look at it all day.

“That depends,” She said, her voice soft and he raised his eyebrow, “on where you take me.” He felt himself grin and she blushed as she looked away from him. His mind spun. He had just asked his Commanding Officer out on a date. He had just asked Commander Shepard – no, no he hadn’t. He hadn’t asked Commander Shepard out on a date. He had asked Sloan Shepard and she had said yes. Now, more than ever, he wanted to reach over and take her hand in his. He had almost given in to the impulse when he heard the quiet ping of her omni-tool. “Goddamn it,” She whispered and looked to him. “Sorry,” She said softly as she read over the message, her face lit by the bright orange glow. After a silent moment, she looked up to him with pure excitement in her eyes. “It’s the Council, they’ve got a lead for us,” She informed him and he answered her smile with one of his own.

“See, what did I say?” He asked her and she laughed richly.

“I’ve got to get to the ship to take the call, uh, we’ll talk again, soon,” She promised and he nodded. She took one step backwards, before turning on her heel and nearly running to the ship. He watched her go, not able to help thinking that she had an extra bounce in her step as she went. He turned his smile back to the open air in front of him and sighed deeply before checking his ‘tool and deciding it was time to get some sleep. Hopefully, the next day would be busy with this new lead. Now, they just had to track down the rogue Spectre and take him out before he could call a race of sentient machines to wipe out the galaxy. No problem.


	23. Chapter 23

They were assembled in the comm room early the next morning. The ship had departed Arcturus just over an hour ago, and they were waiting for Shepard to start their meeting. Kaidan knew it was a lead on Saren, but only because he had been with her when she had gotten the message. The rest of the group were speculating quietly as they waited.

Shepard breezed in, caught Kaidan’s eye and smiled before turning to face the room from her usual spot at the comm controls. As soon as she turned to face the room, any hint of their conversation from the night before was gone. Kaidan chanced a glance at Ashley, and she was grinning at him with a gleam in her eyes. He returned the smile with a gentle shake of his head before looking back to Shepard. When she started speaking, a hush fell on the room. “The council has received an urgent message from one of their infiltration regiments in the Traverse,” Shepard spoke, her voice hard and cool.

“You mean… spies?” Ashley asked, shifting uncomfortably in her seat.

Shepard nodded, “Yes. The Council currently has several infiltration units scattered throughout the border regions of Citadel space. This specific unit was gathering Intel on Saren.” For just a moment, Kaidan was surprised to hear that the Council’s reach extended that far out of Citadel space. Then, when he really thought about it, he wasn’t surprised at all. It made sense that they would have their feelers stretched out to gather and monitor as much as they could.

“What did they find?” Garrus’s two-toned voice rang out.

“Well, unfortunately, the message the Council received from the group was little more than static. The belief is that the team must be in a situation where they can’t set up proper interstellar communications, but the message was sent on a channel reserved for mission-critical communications,” Shepard answered as she looked over the room. “So, whatever they were trying to tell the Council was important. So, we’re heading to Virmire. I want all hands on deck for this one, we have no idea what we’ll be walking in to when we get there. Williams, Tali, Virmire is hot and humid. I’d like you to work together to check the mods and the weapons to make sure everything is set for the environment. Everyone else, check your armor and be ready. We’ve got just over a day before we land,” Her eyes moved around the room one more time, landing on each person before moving on. “Dismissed,” She ordered and leaned back on the console as everyone filed out of the room.

Kaidan decided he would head down to his console and check out some more information on the planet to see what the history and landscape was like. He was hoping he would learn why Saren had chosen this planet. He was lost in his research and didn’t hear anyone join him at his console until she cleared her throat behind him. He jumped, startled, and turned to find Ashley sitting behind him with her legs crossed and her arms folded over her chest. “Can I help you, Chief?” Kaidan asked as he turned his attention back to his console, knowing he wouldn’t be getting any more work done while Ashley was at his station with him.

“Just checking in, been awhile,” She said simply as her eyes followed him to the seat next to her. She stretched her arms above her head. “Feels good to be moving against Saren again,” She commented as she brought her arms down and folded them over her lap. Kaidan agreed with her as he sat with his elbows resting on his thighs. They spoke a little more about Virmire and the information Kaidan had found on the planet. “I’m glad we finally got this lead, I mean, for awhile there it seemed like the Council was, I don’t know, protecting Saren,” She paused and looked up to him. “Or am I crazy?”

Kaidan thought about it for a moment, “No, you’re not crazy but I don’t think they were trying to protect him, they just didn’t want to admit there was anything going on. Shepard and I actually had almost this exact conversation,” He answered her and noticed the mischief in her eyes.

“Yeah, I can see that. Like I said, I’m just glad to be moving again,” She repeated with a sigh and Kaidan nodded. “Think we’ll get some leave time when this is over?”

“I haven’t heard specifically but that’s how Shepard makes it sound. I mean, this was supposed to be a quick shakedown, so I’m sure Brass is going to order her into dry-dock when we’re done. That way they can check her out afterwards,” Kaidan explained and he looked over at her. Her face held a knowing smile and he shook his head.

“You have anything planned for leave, then?” She asked him, as they heard footsteps behind them. She turned as he looked up and found Shepard walking towards her cabin. Her eyes focused on her omni-tool. She didn’t look up once, like muscle memory alone took her to her quarters. She was in full Commander mode, all business.

Kaidan spoke without moving his eyes from her, until she disappeared into her room, “Nothing specific, yet, but yeah, I’ve got plans.” His eyes moved to Ashley, and she was grinning.

“I bet you do,” She teased and Kaidan chuckled softly and turned the question back to her. “It will depend how long we get. If it’s a significant amount of time, I’ll be heading home to see my mom and sisters,” She answered. “It’s been over four months since I’ve been home, and I miss them.” It had been even longer since he’d been home to see his parents. He felt guilty for a moment, that he had made plans to spend leave with Shepard instead of going home to visit his family. It only lasted a moment, though, as he thought of their conversation from the night before; they way she had blushed, the tone of her voice, and the way she looked in her Blues. His mom had already threatened him with a set up. He would visit home another time.

“That will be nice,” Kaidan commented, and she agreed. She checked her ‘tool and stood letting him know she had to get back to work. “See you later, Ash.” He watched her go, glad they had been able to pick her up on Eden Prime. She had truly been an asset to this mission and team. Not to mention, she’s a genuinely good person.

The rest of the day was uneventful, and when Kaidan closed himself in his sleeper pod that evening he couldn’t help the anxiety he felt in his core for the next day. Who knows what they will find on Virmire? For all they knew, tomorrow could be the end of the mission, if Saren was there himself. He tried to focus on other topics, he nearly resorted to counting sheep to clear his mind. Eventually, he fell asleep, but it was a restless night.

The next morning, the crew was geared up and awaiting their arrival at Virmire. Kaidan was with Shepard, Joker, and Pressly in the cockpit as the pilot steered the ship into the planet’s atmosphere. Kaidan was sitting in the co-pilot seat while Shepard stood behind Joker and Pressly was at her left. “Commander, I’m reading a signal. Must be our Salarian infiltration team,” Joker announced as he steered the ship towards the signal.

“Check out those defense towers,” Kaidan pointed out the large Anti-Aircraft guns housed in towers near the base and looked over his shoulder at the Commander.

“Drop us in the Mako, we’ll go in hot and take out the towers,” Shepard ordered and Joker nodded. She signaled for Kaidan to follow her down to the cargo bay. They fell into step together and made their way, silently, down the stairs to the crew deck to access the elevator. The tension from the coming mission was palpable as they entered the car. “How are you feeling, Kaidan?” She asked him softly once the doors were closed.

“I felt good until I saw those defense towers. In all the research I had done over the last 24 hours, I didn’t see any type of settlement that would warrant that kind of protection,” He informed her as they leaned against opposite walls. They had to be there to protect whatever it was Saren was doing on the planet.

“Between you and me?” She asked and he nodded, “I’ve got a bad feeling about today.” She muttered as she pulled herself away from the wall and stretched her neck from side to side. He heard the joints pop. He wasn’t surprised she felt apprehensive; he’d felt it, too.

“Well, I’ve got your six, Shepard,” He promised, and she sent a gentle smile his way. He could see the appreciation in her eyes. She wouldn’t say it, he knew that, but he could have sworn he saw some of the tension leave her face at his words, and he felt a heated buzzing in his ears as their eyes remained locked. The door opened, allowing a rush of cooler air to enter the elevator and the breeze cleared Kaidan’s head. He watched as she turned in front of him and led him towards the Mako.

Everyone was geared up and waiting for orders outside the Mako. “We’re going to have to drop in the Mako first, Vakarian and Alenko, you’re with me for the initial drop. Once we reach the camp and are able to assess the situation, I’ll be able to give out more specific orders. Hang in there with me, until we find out what’s going on,” Shepard asked and Ashley saluted while the aliens nodded. Kaidan was waiting at the Mako’s open door while Garrus strapped himself in. He met Shepard’s eyes at the door, and she turned her back to him in a silent request. After checking each other’s armor, they climbed inside the vehicle. Shepard started powering up the systems, while Kaidan entered the coordinates into the navigation system.

“We’re nearing the Drop Zone, Commander,” Joker’s voice rang out inside the Mako. Shepard looked to Kaidan and Garrus for a moment. “I’ll get you in under their radar,” He promised as the bay doors started to open. Joker counted them down, and released the hold on the vehicle and it rolled out of the ship and dropped to the planet’s surface. It landed in a shallow river and Kaidan ran a quick scan to ensure the depth wouldn’t be changing. “You got a clean drop, Commander,” Joker’s voice held a measure of pride and Kaidan shared a smile with Shepard. He really was the best helmsman in the Alliance. They were lucky to have him.

“Nice job, Joker. Now, stay out of range and continue evasive maneuvers until we can bring down those AA towers,” Shepard ordered as she steered the vehicle towards the blinking signal on the navigation.

“Yeah, yeah, I know the drill,” Joker responded, mock annoyance playing in his tone and Shepard and Kaidan exchanged an amused glance. “Meet you at the camp once those towers are offline. Joker out.” He was lucky he was the best pilot, he wouldn’t get away with half of the things he says if he weren’t.

The ride in the Mako was quiet and tense as they searched out the AA Towers. They did find pockets of geth on the way, and due to Garrus’s skill on the guns accompanied with Kaidan’s work on the thrusters and Shepard’s justifiably reckless driving, they were able to keep the damage to the Mako at a minimum. After close to ten minutes of driving, the approached the AA Tower. They exited the vehicle and dispatched the geth and a few Krogan mercenaries who were defending the guns before Shepard signaled for Kaidan to hack the controls and take it down. “We’re good, Commander,” Kaidan confirmed for her, and with a nod she radioed Joker to let him know the way was clear as they went back to the vehicle.

Once they were out of the tower, and steps away from the Mako, they saw the Normandy pass overhead and then climbed into the vehicle. “Commander,” Joker’s voice rang out inside the vehicle as Shepard started the drive to the base. “Normandy’s touched down at the base but it looks like we’re grounded. The Salarian Captain can explain when you get here.”

“Fuck,” Shepard mumbled, “Thanks Joker, hang tight. We’re almost there.”

They rounded a corner and the base was within sight, which Garrus pointed out as they reached the area. They parked the vehicle and climbed out heading up the beach towards the Salarian Captain. “So, what are we supposed to do now?” Ashley asked, her frustration plain in her tone.

“Stay put until we come up with a plan,” The Salarian answered, his voice deeper than Kaidan expected, but his words still came out quick and nasally.

“Are you in charge here? What’s the situation?” Shepard asked as she approached the group. Ashley stepped back and stood next to Kaidan behind Shepard.

“I’m Captain Kirrahe, Third Infiltration regiment, STG. You and your crew have just landed in the middle of a hot zone. Every AA gun within ten miles has been alerted to your presence,” He introduced himself as his eyes moved quickly over Shepard’s group assembled in front of him.

“Well, I like to make an entrance. What now?” Shepard asked as she scrubbed her hands over her face.

“We stay put until the Council sends the reinforcements we requested,” Kirrahe responded and Shepard laughed. She actually laughed, throwing her head back and turning her back to the Captain. Kirrahe shot a look at Kaidan in response to Shepard’s unexpected reaction.

\“We are the reinforcements,” Kaidan responded, his voice defeated.

“What?” Kirrahe nearly shouted and Shepard turned back around with a deep sigh, all traces of humor gone from her face. “You’re all they sent? I told the Council to send a fleet!”

Shepard’s empathy was written on her face, “They couldn’t understand your transmission, so they sent me to investigate.” It was hard to read the Salarians reactions on his face. Kaidan hadn’t spent too much time around this species.

Kirrahe’s voice was hard, and annoyed when he continued, “That is a repetition of our task. I lost half my men _investigating_ this place.” Kaidan contributed by asking what they had found and the Salarian turned his large, black eyes to him. “Saren’s base of operations. He set up a research facility here. It’s crawling with geth and very well fortified.”

“Is he here? Have you seen him?” Shepard asked quickly, her eyes bright.

“No, but his geth are everywhere and we’ve intercepted some comms referring to Saren. This is his facility, there’s no doubt about that,” Kirrahe explained and Shepard nodded, slightly deflated, and asked what Saren was researching. “He’s using the facility to breed an army of Krogan.”

Wrex seemed to appear out of no where, it amazed Kaidan that the Krogan could move so quietly. His gruff voice rang out, as his red eyes glared at Kirrahe, “How is that possible?”

Kirrahe looked slightly nervous at the lack of distance between himself and the angry Krogan, “Apparently, Saren has discovered a cure for the genophage.” Kaidan felt his heart drop to his feet. That couldn’t be possible. Wrex’s hands clenched at his sides.

“The geth are bad enough, but a Krogan army… he’d be almost unstoppable,” Shepard spoke, her voice quiet, almost like it was an afterthought. Shepard’s eyes were stuck on Wrex as he heaved with each breath he took. The confusion rolling off him.

“Exactly my thoughts,” Kirrahe started. He glanced quickly at Wrex and took a small step away from him before turning his eyes back to Shepard, “We must ensure that this facility, and its secrets, are destroyed.”

Before anyone had a chance to respond, Wrex’s biotics flared as he shouted, “Destroyed?!” He took a few slow deep breaths, the anger pulsing and his biotics responding. “I don’t think so. Our people are dying. This cure can save them!”

To Kirrahe’s credit, he didn’t flinch at Wrex’s power display, if anything his overlarge black eyes hardened with resolve; as if his display proved his point. He stared down the Krogan for a long second before turning his attention back to Shepard, “If that cure leaves this planet, the Krogan will become unstoppable. We can’t make that mistake again.”

Wrex moved so he was well within the Salarian’s personal space, and turned his head slightly so one red eye could focus on the Captain. He pointed a finger to his chest, nearly touching him but not. “We are not a mistake,” His voice was grave and firm. He glared at Shepard before stalking off. Kaidan watched him go, not liking the tension he could sense from the mercenary.

“Is he going to be a problem?” Kirrahe asked gesturing towards Wrex’s retreating form. “We already have enough angry Krogan to deal with.” Shepard signed and pinched the bridge of her nose allowing herself just a moment.

“He’ll be fine. I’ll talk to him,” She promised, and Kaidan exchanged a doubtful look with Ashley. They had never seen Wrex this angry, and he was an angry being by nature. Yes, Shepard had a silver tongue and had proven more than once that she could talk someone down off a ledge, but Kaidan worried that maybe this was a little out of her league. That was the first time he had that thought about her, and he really hoped he was wrong.

Kirrahe let a relieved sigh slip from his thin lips, “I’d appreciate that Commander. My men and I need to rethink our plan of attack. Can you give us some time?” She nodded and promised she’d check back in a few minutes. She turned towards Kaidan and Ashley.

Kaidan spoke first, his attention moving between the two women standing with him, “Looks like things are a bit of a mess.” He knew it was an understatement and as soon as he said it he felt slightly foolish for stating the obvious.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t be so worried if it weren’t for Wrex. Looks like he’s going to blow a gasket,” Ashley agreed as she glanced over Shepard’s shoulder as Wrex’s shotgun rang out over the water. Shepard turned and followed her gaze as Kaidan did the same.

She spoke without removing her eyes from the Krogan, “You think I should go talk to him?” She sounded apprehensive. An angry Krogan was not someone anyone would look forward to approaching. Kaidan didn’t think Wrex would do anything. Then as his shotgun rang out again, he wasn’t so sure.

“It wouldn’t hurt,” Ashley answered and paused when Shepard turned to look at her with her eyebrow raised, “Well, it might actually. Just, do it carefully.” Shepard let out a snort of a laugh that turned into a sigh.

“I’ll be careful, but be ready… just in case,” Shepard requested as she turned to head over to the Krogan. Ashley responded that she was already ready. Kaidan suggested she move to the opposite side of the pair and he would keep his eyes here, just to be sure they had a good view of all the angles of the confrontation. Ash agreed and left Kaidan alone near the water’s edge. Even though they were quite a few feet away from him, Kaidan could hear their entire conversation.

“This isn’t right, Shepard. If there’s a cure for the genophage, we can’t destroy it,” The anger was bubbling in Wrex’s voice. Kaidan didn’t like that Wrex didn’t holster his shotgun when Shepard went to speak to him.

“I understand you’re upset, but we both know Saren’s the enemy here. He’s the one you should be angry with,” Shepard insisted as she took a few steps closer with her hands raised, palms out.

“Really?” Wrex said, his voice doubtful. “Saren created a cure for my people. You want to destroy it,” He paused and his voice lost its anger, taking on a pleading tone that sounded odd with his deep rumble, “Help me out here, Shepard. The lines between friend and foe are getting a little blurry from where I stand.”

Kaidan spotted Ashley passed the arguing pair, she was behind one of the Salarian’s tents with her pistol out and ready. Shepard continued as Kaidan’s biotics fizzled with the possibility of an attack, “Wrex, this isn’t a cure, it’s a weapon and if Saren is allowed to use it, you won’t be around to reap the benefits… None of us will.”

Wrex scoffed at her, and Kaidan’s hands clenched at his sides, “That’s a chance we should be willing to take!” He insisted as the desperation returned to his voice, “This is the fate of my entire people we’re talking about. If you can’t give me a better reason than this to destroy the hopes of my people, then I’m done with you.”

“I can’t let you jeopardize the mission,” Shepard insisted, her own hand flirting with her sidearm. Kaidan swallowed hard and made eye contact with Ashley across the beach. Wrex had no idea they were ready should he make an offensive move.

Wrex was silent for a long moment, staring at Shepard with one bright red eye. He sighed, resigned, “So, that’s it? All this time, and that’s all I get from you? How can you not see what this means to the Krogan? This base can’t be destroyed...” He paused, and in the blink of an eye pulled out his shotgun and aimed it at Shepard’s midsection as he shouted, “I won’t allow it!”

Shepard had pulled out her pistol and had it aimed, steadily, at the Krogan’s large head. Kaidan noticed Ashley had moved closer and had her weapon pointed at Wrex as well, but all of Wrex’s attention was on the Commander as she continued, “These Krogan are slaves of Saren; puppets, tools to be used and discarded. Is that what you want for your people?”

Wrex’s stance seemed to soften, his overlarge shoulders slumping with the weight of her reminder. He dropped his shotgun with a heavy sigh. “No, we were tools for the Council once. To thank us for wiping out the Rachni, they neutered us all. I doubt Saren will be as generous,” He holstered it, and Shepard did the same as Ashley followed her lead and made her way back over to Kaidan as Wrex continued, “Alright, Shepard, you’ve made your point. I don’t like this, but I trust you enough to follow your lead. Just… one thing. When we find Saren, I want his head,” Wrex grunted and Shepard sighed.

“You’ll have to get in line for that one,” She said and Wrex chuckled softly as she turned and headed towards Ashley and Kaidan. Captain Kirrahe met her there.

“Thank you for speaking with the Krogan,” Kirrahe stated simply and she nodded at him. “The assault on Saren’s base will be difficult enough as it is.” Shepard’s eyebrow cocked at the Salarian and she asked if that meant they had a plan. “Of sorts. We can convert our ship’s drive system into a 20 kiloton ordinance. Crude, but effective,” He explained and Kaidan had to admit, it sounded solid if they could set it and get out of range in time.

Ashley was much more impressed, “Nice. Drop that nuke from orbit and Saren can kiss his Turian ass goodbye.”

“Unfortunately, the facility is too well fortified for that. We will need to place the bomb in a precise location,” Shepard followed the Salarian to the table set up in his tent. Kaidan and Ashley trailed behind and once they reached the map he pointed out where the bomb needed to be planted to be effective. “The bomb must be taken to the far side of the facility, here,” His finger tapped a spot in the center of the breeding grounds. “Your ship can drop it off but we’ll need to infiltrate the base, disable the AA guns, and pacify any ground forces first.”

Kaidan couldn’t help himself as he reviewed the base’s schematics, “You want us to go in on foot? We don’t have enough men.” Shepard turned and locked eyes with him, he could tell he had voiced her concern as well.

She turned back to Kirrahe, “It does sound a bit risky. Is there no other way?”

Kirrahe looked over the map again, “We’ve been pouring over this map and the odds for what feels like forever. There is no other way, but I think we can work around that,” He paused for a minute and took a deep breath. He pointed at different areas on the map as he explained their plan, “I’m going to divide my men into three teams and hit the front of the facility. While we’ve got their attention, you can sneak your ‘shadow’ team in the back.”

Shepard’s eyes were narrow as she took in the information on the map. She looked over the base. Her eyes ending on Ashley and Kaidan. She sighed deeply with a gentle shake of her head as she locked eyes with the Salarian. Her voice was soft when she continued, “It’s a good idea, but your people are going to get slaughtered.”

Kirrahe’s voice was resolved when he continued, “We’re tougher than we look, Commander, but it’s true. I don’t expect most of us will make it out alive,” He paused, and though it was still hard to read the thoughts passing over the Salarian’s face, this one was clear. He did not want to continue, but he had no choice. Kaidan braced himself, “That makes what I’m going to ask you even more difficult. I need one of your men to accompany me, to help coordinate the teams.”

Shepard’s spine straightened, and she squared her shoulders. This is what they had been waiting for: the catch. She sighed as she looked over the map again. She didn’t want to give over one of her crew, but as she reviewed the information before her, she knew Kirrahe was right.

Her voice was rough when she continued, “We’ll need someone who knows Alliance communications protocols,” She agreed and Kirrahe seemed to relax with her agreement.

Kaidan spoke without thinking about it, “I volunteer, Commander.” Shepard turned to face both Kaidan and Ashley.

Before Shepard could answer him, Ashley spoke up, “Not so fast, L.T., Commander Shepard will need to you arm the nuke,” She turned her eyes from Kaidan to Shepard. “I’ll go with the Salarians.”

Kaidan’s face flushed in not quite anger, but a heated frustration. Who did she think she was? “Will all due respect, Gunnery Chief, it’s not your place to decide.” He knew Ashley would know that he had used her rank as a reminder, and he knew it was a low blow. It had been made clear she was worthy of at least one if not two promotions. Her family’s name holding her back. Her anger was warranted.

Ashley glared at him when she responded, her tone bitter and harsh, “Why is it whenever someone says ‘with all due respect’ they really mean ‘kiss my ass?’” Shepard scrubbed her hands over her face with an annoyed sigh.

“Son of a bitch, knock it off both of you. Goddamn, if I had known you were both so eager to die for this mission we could have worked something out already,” She said, and Kaidan looked away from Ashley as the embarrassment at her reprimand burned his ears. Shepard’s eyes bounced between the two of them. Kaidan could tell this was a hard decision for her. He knew she would not appreciate her team not being with her, but the mission parameters had changed and it was necessary.

“Williams, you’ll accompany the captain. No heroics, understood?” Shepard ordered, pointedly not looking at Kaidan, and Kaidan couldn’t help but admit part of him was glad she had chosen Ashley. This way he could stay at her side as he had promised to.

Ashley saluted and had the decency not to appear smug, “Aye, aye, Commander.” She returned the salute and turned back to the Captain.

“I will have the ordinance loaded onto the Normandy and brief your crew on its detonation sequencing,” Kirrahe stated with a nod and he turned to speak with his crew. Shepard turned back to Ashley and Kaidan.

Ashley seemed tense, and rocked on the balls of her feet, “Well, this is it. Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone, L.T. You too, Commander.” Kaidan couldn’t help it, he promised her everything would be fine. As soon as the words left his mouth, he wished he could take them back. It felt like he was tempting fate.

Ashley looked at him for a long moment, her figurative mask up high over features so her thoughts were hidden fairly efficiently, “Yeah, I just… good luck,” It was Shepard’s turn to pry as she coaxed the concerns from the Chief. “I don’t know it’s just… weird… going under someone else’s command. I’ve gotten used to working with you. All of you. I – it’s been an honor serving with you, Commander.”

Shepard sighed and took a step closer to her, she placed a hand on her arm and spoke, her voice sincere, “Listen, Ashley, it doesn’t matter if we’re not in the same unit. We’re still a team. Watch each other’s backs. Keep your eyes open and fight like I know you can; both of you,” Her eyes flitted from Ashley’s to Kaidan’s before she continued. “We’ll all come out of this in one piece.”

Ashley smiled, mollified, “You bet, Commander.” Shepard tapped her arm and returned the smile before calling her group together as Ashley moved to where Captain Kirrahe was reviewing the plans with his teams.

Shepard’s remaining crew met near the Normandy’s airlock door and Shepard reviewed the plan with the team. She would be taking Kaidan and Garrus with her as part of the infiltration team. She had considered taking Wrex, but his emotions were too wound up in the mission and he understood that. She asked if Tali and Liara could figure out some way to hack into the base’s computer systems and see what information they could gather without affecting the security system. Tali looked to Liara and then back to Shepard, she seemed confident that they could route some of the power from the non-essential functions to boost the signal to allow them to hack into the network and Shepard nodded. She asked Wrex to be available if they needed back up once the bomb was set. Shepard took a second to make eye contact with each member of her team.

“We’ve got this,” She promised, and everyone nodded. “Dismissed.” At her final word, the group dispersed. Wrex, Tali, and Liara moved back onto the Normandy. Garrus, Kaidan, and Shepard exchanged an anxious look before she signaled for them to follow her and the made their way to the back entrance of the base and awaited the go order from Kirrahe.


	24. Chapter 24

At Kirrahe’s word Shepard, Kaidan, and Garrus hopped over the wall to enter the back of the facility. Their weapons were drawn and Kaidan ran a quick scan over the area. Kaidan gave the all clear as Kirrahe reached out for a quick comm check. Shepard signaled for them to follow her as she took point and lead them towards the facility. Kirrahe had asked that they keep an eye out for any ways to frustrate and slow the geth’s defenses taking some of the heat off him and his men, and in turn off of Ashley.

Just a little ahead of them, they found the first station that was being heavily protected by the geth. It was simply a staircase leading to an elevated floor with a tower overhead. Thankfully, the area was being guarded by the smaller machines, and with the help of the element of surprise, they were able to take out the troopers within a few moments. “Alright, let’s see what they were defending,” Shepard ordered as they searched for a control panel. They spotted it towards the back of the structure and Kaidan hacked it and shut it down, effectively disrupting the geth communications. As they were leaving the now useless building, they were rewarded when they heard Kirrahe over the comms, “Something scrambled their targeting. We’ve got a shot! Chief Williams, take the heat off Mannovai!” Shepard turned towards Kaidan and Garrus briefly and they could see the satisfaction on her face at the fact that simply shutting down that one system had given the other teams an opening.

They remained silent to avoid alerting any geth in the area to their approach. Kaidan could hear his heart pounding in his ears. He could feel the sweat beading on his brow and back beneath his suit. They found another station, which was similar to the first, but this station was connected to a walkway that lead to the main building of the facility with a large satellite at the top. They found cover among some boulders near the station. Shepard signaled for Garrus to take out the satellite at the top while she and Kaidan would handle the geth. She gave a quick count – three, two, one – then, the signal to move out. Shepard and Kaidan ran towards the stairs, firing off their biotics. They managed to lift the geth nearest and then take out the remaining two with their rifles before turning their gunfire back to the helpless geth floating overhead. The confrontation ended with the satellite above them exploding, and Shepard gave the signal to head further into the area.

Her eyes held none of the warmth Kaidan had grown used to outside the missions. She was just as anxious as he was to get this mission over with and get everyone back together on the ship. Kaidan knew not having Ashley here with her was bothering her more than she let on. It was in the firm set of her jaw, the white in her knuckles around her rifle, the crease of her brow. It was eased momentarily when they heard Ashley over the comms, “Aircraft heading to perimeter stations to recharge. Bunker up before they come back!”

Shepard ran.

As Kaidan and Garrus followed, it took Kaidan just a second to think back to the map of the area. They were near the refueling platform. Geth and Krogan mercenaries would attack as they ran, but Shepard paid them only enough attention to Throw or Lift them as she ran, her focus on reaching the platform before the aircraft went back to the site of the frontal assault. From around the corner, they saw the large fuel tanks and the assault drones high in the air. Shepard gave the silent signal for Garrus and Kaidan to sabotage the drones and they pulled up their omni-tools without hesitation. As soon as the first two drones exploded, Shepard unloaded her rifle on the fuel tanks. They detonated with a violent roar and spectacular flames.

They continued to follow the walkway towards the main building and Kaidan heard Shepard let out a deep breath when they heard Kirrahe reference the assistance they had given, “Air threat has not materialized! We may be getting some help from Shadow!” As they reached the main building, they were stopped momentarily by a handful of geth snipers and Krogan mercs. Garrus had taken a spot on the bridge while Kaidan and Shepard moved in. Garrus was able to fire at the sniper and take him out when he stood for his own shot. Kaidan watched from cover as Shepard stood and took a shot at the Krogan who stumbled back a few feet but continued towards her. Kaidan leaned out from cover and Threw him backwards. He flew back, sliding across the floor while Shepard took out the nearby geth as Kaidan moved to finish off the Krogan.

They met at the door to the facility. Kirrahe’s voice rang out over their helmet comms, “Shadow team must be getting close. Hold the line, men! Hold the line!” They entered the building and found themselves on a walkway that ran the length of the facility. There were a few short bridges ending in doors that would lead into the main area. About halfway down, they spotted a terminal and Kaidan hacked into it without needing the order to do so.

“Commander, we’ve got access to base security. We should be able to cut the alarms from here. We might even be able to trigger alarms on the far side of the base. It will clear out the guards for us, but it might be too much for the Salarian teams to handle,” Kaidan warned as Shepard watched him work over his shoulder.

“No, just disable the alarms. We can handle any guards inside,” Shepard ordered, placing a hand on his arm briefly and he nodded and turned his attention back to the console as Shepard and Garrus moved to wait for the door to open.

Once inside, it seemed like time sped up. Biotics fired, bullets flew, Krogan charged, and indoctrinated Salarian scientists screamed as they were Lifted or Thrown. They were making their way through the facility, taking out the geth forces they encountered on the way. In one of the research areas, they found a Salarian scientist studying husks. Kaidan suppressed a shudder as they fought their way through the room. He kept an eye on Shepard, ensuring no enemy flanked her and Garrus was to his right and slightly behind them, which gave Garrus the chance to fire off with his sniper rifle while Shepard and Kaidan distracted the husks.

Once they moved from that room, they were on an outdoor walkway again that led around the building. They dispatched another Krogan and a few geth before they reached the other door. They entered an office and noticed an Asari hiding under a desk at the far side. Three weapons trained on her as she slowly came out from under the desk, her hands up, “Don’t shoot! Please, I just want to get out of here before it’s too late.”

Without dropping her weapon, Shepard spoke, her presence filling the room and causing the Asari to fall back a step, “Who are you?”

“Rana Thanoptis, neurospecialist, but this job isn’t worth dying over… or worse,” Rana introduced herself, her hands still up. Shepard stared at her for a dozen heartbeats, the silence stifling them. Kaidan could feel his biotics thrumming along his nerve endings. Shepard lowered her weapon, but didn’t holster it, as she asked what Rana meant. “You think the indoctrination only affects prisoners? Sooner or later, Saren will want to dissect my brain, too!”

“I thought this was a breeding facility,” Shepard stated simply and Rana lowered her hands, hoping that offering information would work in her favor.

“Not this level, we’re studying Sovereign’s effect on organic minds. At least, that’s what I assumed. Saren kept us in the dark as much as possible,” Rana sounded jaded, and frustrated. She filled them in on what they had learned about Sovereign: That the indoctrination signal is strong and if you’re near the ship for too long you begin to feel the effects. It compels you to do things, though you don’t know why. You just obey, and eventually, stop thinking for yourself.

“So, you helped him and you don’t even know why?” Kaidan asked her, his tone laced with disbelief.

The Asari’s dark blue eyes turned to Kaidan and her voice lost some steam. She sounded almost sad as she answered, “I didn’t have the option of negotiating. This position is a little more… permanent than I’d expected. The man I replaced was the first to lose his mind to Sovereign. Honestly, I think Saren is… afraid it might be affecting him. We have learned that there is a balance, though, between control and usefulness. The less freedom a subject maintains, the less capable it becomes,” She shook her head with a sigh and walked towards the elevator, “Listen, I can help you. This elevator behind me goes to Saren’s private lab. I can get you in,” Rana called the elevator and the doors opened. Shepard looked quickly to Kaidan and Garrus. “See? Full access. All of Saren’s private files,” Shepard moved into the elevator and Kaidan and Garrus followed. “Are we good? Can I go?”

Shepard spoke simply, “I’m going to blow this place to hell and gone. If you want to make it out alive, you’d better start running,” and she pushed the button to close the elevator on the woman’s frantic yell as she turned and fled the building. Shepard turned towards Kaidan, grinning.

“You enjoyed that,” Kaidan accused returning her smile, even Garrus’s two-toned chuckle rumbled in the confined space.

“Damn straight,” She answered as she turned towards the now open doors of the elevator. Shepard led them out of the elevator and across another outdoor walkway and through a closed door. They were faced with another elevator which they activated and when it dropped them off they entered a larger room.

They walked down a ramp and Kaidan recognized the structure in the corner and called out to Shepard, “Commander, look over here. It’s another beacon… like the one on Eden Prime.” Shepard was next to him in an instant and she walked closer to the beacon. Kaidan felt the bile rising in his throat as he watched her reach out and touch the controls. He feared for her safety, and knew there was no stopping her from activating it and that there would be nothing he could do for her once it was started.

He felt the gentle pull of the beacon until it caught her and lifted her off the ground, arms outstretched, just like on Eden Prime. He glanced nervously at Garrus and opened his omni-tool so he could monitor her vitals. Her heart rate was steady and a normal sinus rhythm, even though her face was twisted in pain and her hands were clenched in fists. After what felt like forever, it released her and she dropped to her hands and knees, her breaths coming fast and short. Kaidan went to her and helped her stand, his hand on her arm as he ran a quick scan over her. “Kaidan,” She whispered and he could feel the concern in his twisted brow and pressed tight lips as he finally looked to her eyes, “I’m alright.” She promised and he nodded, their eye contact was heavy but reassuring even though she broke it sooner than he wanted her to.

She didn’t say anything about what she had seen, she just made her way to the room’s exit. She stopped, though, when Garrus spoke up, “This is not good.” Shepard and Kaidan looked over their shoulder and saw a large, holographic image of Sovereign glowing red in the center of the room. Slowly, she turned and went closer to it.

Then, it spoke, “You are not Saren.” Its voice was deep, distorted, and sounded oddly mechanic.

“What is that? Some kind of VI interface?” Garrus asked, and neither Kaidan nor Shepard answered.

It continued, “Rudimentary creatures of blood and flesh. You touch my mind, fumbling in ignorance, incapable of understanding.”

“I don’t think this is a VI,” Kaidan whispered and was unable to look away from it. Shepard’s spine was ramrod straight, and her hands were clenched in fists at her sides as they listened to it.

“There is a realm of existence so far beyond your own you cannot even imagine it. I am beyond your comprehension. I am Sovereign!” The room nearly shook with the volume of its words. He watched as Shepard shuddered, and was surprised by her reaction. What had she seen from the beacon?

Shepard spoke, under her breath and to her crew, “Sovereign isn’t just some Reaper ship… Saren found an actual Reaper…”

It heard her, “Reaper? A label created by the Protheans to give voice to their destruction. In the end, what they chose to call us is irrelevant. We simply are.”

“The Protheans vanished 50,000 years ago. How could you have been there?” Kaidan found it hard to believe, even though the proof was staring at him.

“Organic life is nothing but a genetic mutation, an accident. Your lives are measured in years and decades. You wither and die. We are eternal. The pinnacle of evolution and existence. Before us, you are nothing. Your extinction is inevitable. We are the end of everything,” its voice was one of the most frightening sounds Kaidan had ever heard, and he suppressed his own shudder as Shepard spoke back to it.

“There is an entire galaxy of races united and ready to face you,” Shepard spoke firmly, though Kaidan could feel the erratic flow of her biotics and knew her voice was hiding her own true emotions.

“Confidence born of ignorance. The cycle cannot be broken,” It replied, unaffected. Can a machine be affected? Garrus spoke up and asked it what it meant by cycle. Had Liara been right all along? “The pattern has repeated itself more times than you can fathom. Organic civilizations rise, evolve, advance, and at the apex of their glory, they are extinguished. The Protheans were not the first. They did not create the Citadel. They did not forge the mass relays. They merely found them, the legacy of my kind.”

“Why construct the mass relays, then leave them for someone else to find?” Shepard asked, simply trying to gather as much information as she could. There was no telling what would be important later.

“Your civilization is based on the technology of the mass relays, our technology. By using it, your society develops along the paths we desire. We impose order on the chaos of organic evolution. You exist because we allow it, and you will end because we demand it,” It continued, and while it was answering their questions, Kaidan had the suspicion it was still only giving them the information it wanted to.

“They are harvesting us, letting us advance to the level they need, then wiping us out,” Kaidan choked out around the knot of anxiety in his throat. What chance did they have to defeat them?

Shepard asked why, what did they want with the organic life? Like a hostage negotiator, just keeping it talking, hoping to reveal a weakness, “My kind transcends your very understanding. We are each a nation, independent, free of all weakness. You cannot even grasp the nature of our existence,” It answered, without answering, and Kaidan could feel Shepard’s frustration when she asked who created them. “We have no beginning. We have no end. We are infinite. Millions of years after your civilization has been eradicated and forgotten, we will endure,” It answered, and its answer sent a chill down Kaidan’s spine. It was talking like they were gods. Shepard asked how many of them there were, and this question sent Kaidan’s stomach to his toes, “We are legion. The time of our return is coming. Our numbers will darken the sky of your every world. You cannot escape your doom.” It spoke with such an assured sense of authority, and while it terrified Kaidan, and he could see his fear mirrored in Garrus, Shepard just seemed annoyed.

She spoke simply, her tone angry and insulted, “You’re not even alive, not really. You’re just a machine…” She paused and took a step closer to the hologram. “Machines can be broken.” There was no doubt her words were a threat, and Kaidan felt a rush of confidence at them. When he looked to Garrus, he could see he felt it, too. They would follow her into any battle, even if it meant the end of civilization.

Sovereign, however, was not deterred, “Your words are as empty as your future. I am the vanguard of your destruction. This exchange is over,” With that the image blinked out and the windows in the room shattered as it shook.

Shepard turned to look at Kaidan and Garrus, the silence thick and before she could break it, Joker’s voice rang out over their helmet comms, “Commander? We got trouble!”

“What’s wrong, Joker?” She asked as she led them back towards the elevator.

“That ship, Sovereign? It’s moving. I don’t know what you did down there, but that thing just pulled a turn that would shear any of our ships in half!” His voice was tinged with equal parts fear and reverence. “It’s coming your way, and it’s coming hard! You need to wrap things up in there – fast!”

She thanked the pilot and activated the elevator to make their way down to the breeding grounds, “It’s time to plant that bomb and get the fuck out of here.”

They left the elevator and made their way back through Saren’s office. Kirrahe’s voice was loud in their ears, “The geth are turning from your position, Jaeto. Looks like Shadow kicked a sensitive spot! Williams, head them off! Hold them out here!”

They picked up the pace, moving back through the facility to get to the breeding grounds. They were confronted by more geth assault drones and Krogan mercenaries, but nothing was going to stop them. Garrus and Kaidan had their tech attacks ready for the drones as Shepard handled the Krogan without stopping. Kaidan had been working along side Shepard for months, but right now he was amazed at the biotic power she was throwing around and the speed that she was able to maintain with the attacks. They reached another elevator and once inside Shepard supported herself by leaning a hand on the wall and taking a few deep breaths. He made a mental note to make sure she refueled once they were back on the Normandy. He knew how drained he was feeling, and he was relying more on the tech than his biotics.

They reached the breeding grounds, and were halted momentarily by a group of Krogan. Kaidan used his stasis to hold them in place and allow Garrus to take them out with his sniper rifle as Shepard Lifted and took out the others. The Krogan’s bullets bounced off their shields and Kaidan knew they had to end the fight quickly, or their shields would be useless until they recharged and if the Krogan were left standing they would be in trouble. Luckily, the last one fell just as his shields went down and he heaved a breath of relief as they moved to the door that would open at the targeted site for the bomb.

They reached the bomb site and heard Kirrahe give the order to set the charges for one of the AA guns. Shepard turned her rifle to the large gas tanks flanking the landing area and took them out in a spectacular, fiery explosion. If they were bringing the Normandy in that close, the less chance for damage to the frigate the better, and Joker must have agreed as his voice rang out over their helmet comms, “All right! Nice work. That’s one less thing to worry about. Commander, I’m bringing us in. I’ll get as close to the site as I can.”

Moments later, the Normandy appeared and hovered over the site. Its bay doors opened and a few of the engineers carried the nuke off the ship to the agreed upon spot with Kaidan supervising the placement.

Once it was set he turned to Shepard, and looked to her eyes as he announced over the comm, “Bomb is in position. We’re all set here.”

Ashley’s voice rang out, sounding slightly panicked, “Commander, can you read me?!” He watched the fear flash momentarily across her eyes.

“The nuke is almost ready. Get to the rendezvous point, Williams!” She ordered as Kaidan went back over to the nuke.

Kaidan glanced away from the controls on the nuke to Shepard as Ashley responded, “Negative, Commander! The geth have us pinned down on the AA tower. We’ve taken heavy casualties,” There was a brief pause before Ashley spoke again, “We’ll never make the rendezvous point in time.” Her voice was resigned, as if she’d already accepted her fate.

Shepard’s voice was harsh, and loud, “Get them out of there, Joker! Now!”

“Negative,” Ashley responded again, “It’s too hot! Can’t risk it. We’ll hold them off as long as we…” The transmission was cut off by gunfire and Shepard turned distraught eyes to Kaidan.

“It’s okay, Commander. I need a couple of minutes to finish arming the bomb. Go get them, and meet me back here,” He offered and she held his gaze for a long moment before she nodded.

“Vakarian, Wrex! Up to the AA tower! Move!” She shouted loudly and Wrex hopped off the Normandy’s bay door and Shepard led them back through the breeding grounds as Kaidan went back to work on the bomb. The Normandy took off to head closer to the rendezvous point. Kaidan could feel the sweat dripping down the sides of his face, and his stomach rumbled with the need for sustenance. He chanced a glance over his shoulder as Shepard disappeared behind the doors to head to the AA Tower.

He was distracted after only a few moments when Ashley reached out to him over the comms, “Heads up, L.T. We just spotted a geth troop ship headed to your location.” Kaidan looked over his shoulder as the geth ship landed.

“It’s already here. There’s geth pouring out all over the bomb site,” He paused in the arming sequence and fired off a few shots with his pistol to take out the geth approaching him and the bomb.

Shepard’s voice was almost desperate in his ear, “Can you hold them off?”

He took a few more shots and watched as the geth took out a few of the engineers that had been left with him, “There’s too many! I don’t think we can survive until we get here,” He answered, his heart in his throat as he watched the injured engineers try to crawl to cover. He swallowed as he realized his role in this. He wasn’t meant to survive. He would have to arm the bomb and stay here to protect it to give Shepard time to get to Kirrahe and Ashley and get them out of the blast radius. He was surprised by how calm he was amidst the gunfire and the realization that he was in his final moments. He turned back to the nuke, and completed the sequence, “I’m activating the bomb.” He was surprised by the tranquility in his voice.

He was even more surprised by the shock and anger he heard in Shepard’s, “Alenko! What are you doing!?”

He sighed as he turned and leaned against the nuke with his rifle out. He fired in rapid succession at the approaching geth as the engineers fought too. “I’m just making sure this bomb goes off, no matter what,” He answered and though he heard Shepard start to say something, to argue, he cut her off, “It’s done, Commander. Go get Williams and get the hell out of here.” He knew he was out of line in his attempt to order Shepard, but what’s done was done and he wanted to make sure his sacrifice was worth it. There was no point in him dying if Shepard didn’t get to walk away from this.

He nearly growled when Ashley’s stubborn reply came over the comm, “Screw that! We can handle ourselves! Go back and get Alenko!”

The silence on the comm was deafening, but only lasted a second before Shepard’s Commander voice rang out, “Alenko, radio Joker and tell him to meet us at the bomb site.”

Kaidan went numb.

It took him a few seconds to answer, “Yes, Commander. I…” He couldn’t finish around the knot in his throat. He never hated anyone as much as he hated Saren in this moment.

Ashley cut him off, her voice now fully resigned to the fate Kaidan had thought had been his when he set the bomb, “You know it’s the right choice, L.T.” She insisted, and Kaidan thought he heard a slight tremble in her words. He heard Shepard apologize, and he sent the message to Joker. “I understand, Commander. I don’t regret a thing.” Ashley’s voice cut off then, and Kaidan swallowed the burning knot of emotion at the back of his throat and took it out on the geth in the area without leaving the bomb. He was surprised when his private comm link lit up and Ashley was there, “Do one thing for me, Alenko.”

“Anything, Ash,” He answered, as he felt the emotion returning.

“Tell Joker, just… tell him, yes, we do,” She asked and Kaidan didn’t know what she meant, but he knew Joker would.

“Ashley,” He started and she cut him off before he could say anything else.

“Kaidan, make it count, okay?” She asked again.

“I promise,” He answered, and her signal cut out as she turned off her comm. At that moment, the doors opened and Shepard returned with Garrus and Wrex in tow. He swallowed the guilt as the three of them worked to clear the area of the geth. Suddenly, there was an explosion to his right as a rocket hit the ground and knocked him back. Shrapnel broke through his shields and pierced his abdomen. He couldn’t move as the pain debilitated him. He was blinded by it as he tried to roll to his side to protect his wounded midsection. It was suddenly very quiet.

He felt the chills trace his spine and he wasn’t sure if it was from the wound, or his reaction to the voice he heard ringing out over the area, “I applaud you, Shepard,” Saren crooned. “My geth were utterly convinced the Salarians were the real threat, an impressive diversion. Of course, it was all for nothing. I can’t let you disrupt what I have accomplished here. You can’t possibly understand what’s really at stake.” Kaidan hissed as he rolled onto his back again. He glanced to his left and saw Garrus and Wrex in cover nearby as the area near him was colored by the blood leaking from his suit as the medi-gel attempted to close the wound. The metal piece was still in place, stopping most of the blood flow and hindering the medi-gel.

He felt himself shiver when Shepard spoke, “Why are you doing this?”

Saren sounded nearly desperate as he responded, “You’ve seen the vision from the beacons, Shepard. You, of all people, should understand what the Reapers are capable of. They cannot be stopped!” Kaidan closed his eyes and tried to put pressure on his wound and remain still to avoid making the injury worse as his medic training overrode his pain addled mind. He listened as Saren continued, “Do not mire yourself in the pointless revolt. Do not sacrifice everything for the sake of petty freedoms. The Protheans tried to fight, and they were utterly destroyed. Trillions dead, but what if they had bowed before the invaders? Would the Protheans still exist? Is submission not preferable to extinction?”

“Do you really believe the Reapers will let us live?” Shepard asked, exasperated. How could Saren be so blind? They had spoken to Sovereign; there was no room in their plan for survivors.

“Now you see why I never came forward with this to the Council. We organics are driven by emotion instead of logic. We will fight even when we know we cannot win. If we work with the Reapers, if we make ourselves useful, think how many lives could be spared. Once I understood this, I joined Sovereign. Though I was aware of the dangers, I had hoped this facility would protect me,” Saren explained his motives and all Kaidan could do was groan his distaste as his breaths grew shallow from the pain.

“You’re afraid Sovereign is influencing you. You’re afraid he’s controlling your thoughts,” Shepard accused, echoing the concerns of the Asari they had met.

“I have studied the effects of indoctrination. The more control Sovereign exerts, the less capable the subject becomes. That is my saving grace. Sovereign needs me to find the Conduit. My mind is still my own, for now, but the transformation from ally to servant can be subtle. I will not let it happen to me,” He explained and Shepard asked about the geth. Kaidan hazarded a glance at the countdown on the nuke, and wondered why Shepard was stalling. Saren explained that the geth were following Sovereign because they believe him to be some kind of god or the pinnacle of non-organic life. To Sovereign, the geth are simply tools. She asked about the Conduit. Saren spat his answer, “The Conduit is the key to your destruction and my salvation. Sovereign needs my help to find it. That is the only reason I have not been indoctrinated.”

Shepard scoffed, “Sovereign’s manipulating you and you don’t even know it! You’re already under its power.”

“No! Sovereign needs me! If I find the Conduit, I’ve been promised a reprieve from the inevitable. This is my only hope,” He answered her simply, sounding almost tired at the end, submissive.

“Together, we can stop Sovereign! We don’t have to submit to the Reapers, we can beat them!” Shepard insisted, and Kaidan was able to work his way closer to the bomb so he could sit, leaning against it.

Saren’s voice was gentle when he answered her, “I no longer believe that, Shepard. The visions cannot be denied. The Reapers are too powerful. The only hope of surviving is to join them. Sovereign is a machine, it thinks like a machine. If I can prove my value I become a resource worth maintaining. There is no other logical conclusion!”

Shepard sounded disgusted, and Kaidan looked to the area her voice was coming from. She was well hidden behind her cover as she accused him, “You were a Spectre, you were sworn to defend the galaxy and you broke that vow to save yourself.”

Saren continued the argument, “I’m not doing this for myself! Don’t you see? Sovereign will succeed, it is inevitable. My way is the only way any of us will survive. I’m forging an alliance between us and the Reapers, between organics and machines. In doing so, I will save more lives than have ever existed… but you would undo my work. You would doom our entire civilization to complete annihilation. For that, you must die!”

She dove from cover then, and was knocked to the ground when a grenade sent by Saren went off at her feet. She flew forwards and dropped her weapon. Kaidan watched, helpless, as Saren’s geth cornered Wrex and Garrus as Saren stalked closer to Shepard who was struggling to regain her footing. He lifted her by the throat, and she fought against the grip he had on her neck as her face pinched in pain and turned a light shade of blue. The alarm on the bomb started ringing, signaling there was less than two minutes before detonation. Saren chanced a glance over his shoulder and the distraction was all she needed. She pulled back and punched him hard in the face, and he dropped her. Kaidan watched as she fumbled trying to get to her feet and grabbed her pistol as Saren mounted his hover board. The shots she fired at him ricocheted off his shields as he sped away. Shepard cursed and her attention turned to Garrus and Wrex as they finished off the geth.

Her eyes landed on Kaidan, and her face fell momentarily as she noticed his injury. The Normandy returned with the bay doors open. “Garrus! Wrex! Help me with him!” She shouted as the three of them ran to Alenko and lifted him. Chakwas was waiting in the bay with a stretcher for him. Apparently, she had been watching their hard suit monitors to check for injuries. Once Kaidan was secured on the gurney, Shepard ran for the elevator, anxious to get to the Bridge. Kaidan was taken to the med-bay and Chakwas said nothing as she gently removed the metal and checked for internal injuries. Luckily, it had missed any major organs and blood vessels. She was silent as she cleaned it and applied the medi-gel. It didn’t take long for her to finish and Kaidan wondered if they would make it to Ashley in time.

Seconds later, an alarm went off at Chakwas’s desk and her face crumpled. It only lasted a second before it died out. She closed her eyes and sat in the seat next to his cot as he laid back and stared at the ceiling of the bay. Kaidan didn’t have to ask what the alarm was. It alerted her to life threatening injuries of one of the crew, and only silenced when the crew member succumbed to those injuries. He heard her quiet sobs and felt the sadness, helplessness, and anger rise up in his throat and burn behind his eyes. He closed them and offered a prayer to whatever god may be listening.

Ashley was gone.


	25. Chapter 25

It had never occurred to him that they wouldn’t all return to the ship at the end of the day. There was a darkness that had permeated every corner of the Normandy. Like an oil spill, once you were submersed in it, there was no way out. It was thick, heavy, and suffocating. Grief. Anger. Guilt. It was everywhere you looked. No one could bring themselves to look at her station, let alone go near it. Kaidan knew, as he left the med-bay, that something fundamental had changed about the mission. It had started as a joint Alliance/Council shakedown, it changed to one Council Spectre chasing down another, but now… Now it was personal for every being on this ship. Everyone who had ever seen her smile, or heard her listen to her messages, or laughed at one of her jokes.

He couldn’t help the guilt he felt. He didn’t want to think that the relationship that had been growing between Shepard and himself had any factor in her decision, but he couldn’t quiet the nagging voice in the back of his mind that screamed it was his fault. He fell into the seat behind his console, just outside Shepard’s cabin and wondered where she was. He hadn’t seen her since she’d helped him onto the ship. He sat forward and rubbed his hands over his face as the tears prickled at his eyes again. His omni-tool pinged and he jumped, startled and opened the message. Shepard wanted everyone in the mess. He sighed deeply, and attempted to scrub the moisture from his eyes as he stood and went to sit at one of the tables.

Slowly, the room filled with the crew, with the exception of those monitoring the vital functions of the ship, like Joker. Once everyone had assembled, the heat of the sorrow settled over the mess. You could hear a pin drop in the silence. Gentle sniffles were heard from certain tables. Shepard appeared from the stairs and stood at one end of the group. She looked exhausted. Her hair was mussed, there were dark circles under her eyes and her lips were raw from the worried attention she paid them when she was stressed.

“I don’t know about anyone else on this ship, but I consider each and every one of you my family,” She paused and let the declaration sink over each table before continuing. “One of ours was taken from us way too soon. Ashley Williams was an Alliance soldier under my command, yes. Aside from that, she was my sister, not by blood born but by blood shed. I am making a solemn promise that she will be avenged, as will Corporal Jenkins. This will not go unanswered. Rest assured, Saren will be brought down. This is my promise to you, the family I still have. This is the promise I will make to Ashley’s mother and sisters when I call them. This is the promise I make to Ashley. It is a promise I am making to Saren. We will find him, and when we do, we will end him,” Shepard’s voice was hard, rough, and all emotion was hidden behind the wall she’d had built back up around herself. Her eyes moved from person to alien and back as she promised them this. He watched as each person nodded to her. After a heavy moment of silence, she spoke again. “I would like the ground team in the comm room in five minutes. If anyone wishes to speak to me privately, or would like to speak with a grief counselor, simply send me a message and arrangements will be made.” She turned on a heel and went, quickly, back up the stairs.

Kaidan thought he saw her wipe her eyes as she went. He stood and raced to follow her, hoping to catch her alone for a moment before the rest of the group entered. He rushed into the room, “Shepard,” He breathed her name and she jumped and turned to look at him.

He watched the relief wash over her face instantly. Relief that he was okay, and up and walking around. “Kaidan, how are you feeling?” She asked him as her eyes moved down to the injured area of his abdomen. Her tone was formal, as if to inject a modicum of professionalism into the moment, but it was lost on Kaidan.

“I’m fine. I just… I can’t believe Ash didn’t make it,” He said as he moved across the room to stand just in front of her. She avoided looking at his face, and he felt an admittedly irrational anger with her for it.

“She knew the risks, you both did. Her sacrifice saved us all,” Shepard reminded him, as she glanced over his shoulder as the rest of the group slowly trickled in and took their seats. Each of them looking to Ashley’s chair.

“Why me?” He asked, his voice a whisper as the rest of the room turned their eyes to the pair. “Why not her?” She looked at him, her brow furrowed and her eyes hesitant. “Just, tell me it wasn’t because of us,” He said it quietly, but he watched as instantly the walls shot up around her and the anger flashed as her eyes lit up like a gas flame.

“Excuse me?” She asked him, her cheeks flushed in anger, or embarrassment but probably anger, and he took a step back. “I certainly do not have to explain my decision to anyone, but let me be clear on this,” She wasn’t yelling, not really, but the anger in her voice filled the room anyway. She turned her heated gaze to the group assembled in front of her. “I would hate for anyone to have the wrong idea,” She glared at Kaidan for a moment before she continued, “I had to make a shit decision today. There is no right answer to the question of who to leave behind. I saved the higher ranking officer, the soldier with biotic ability, and our trained medic; not to mention, we had to clear the bomb site of the geth that may have been able to stop it from detonating. Ashley Williams was a hell of a soldier, and her loss will be felt in more than one way,” As she spoke, her eyes moved over the room, landing on each person individually, and each set of eyes looked away from her instantly. Her eyes returned to Kaidan’s, who was still standing in front of her, just to her left. “The next person who questions an order, or a decision of mine, will be left on whatever god-forsaken planet we are closest to. I will not have it on my ship again. Have I made myself, perfectly, clear?” She asked, and the response was an overwhelming affirmative. She turned her eyes to Kaidan. “Lieutenant?” She asked of him.

“Yes, Ma’am. Crystal clear, Ma’am,” He answered and saluted her, she nodded her head towards his seat. He sat, thoroughly chastised, and kept his eyes on the floor in front of him. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Shepard, and if he turned to his right he would see Ashley’s empty seat. Shepard explained that she was still trying to decipher the images she had received from the beacon. She went over the information they had received from Sovereign. Liara had nothing further to offer about the Conduit, but Tali and she had managed to copy quite a few files from the base and they were still in the process of decrypting it. She ordered Kaidan to work with them on the Intel, and he answered with a simple, “Yes, Ma’am.”

She told them they were heading towards the Citadel as they awaited word from Command, or for her to figure out the visions from the beacon. With a deep sigh, she dismissed the room. Kaidan sat for a long moment in the chair. Everyone filed out and Shepard still had her back to him, and she leaned forward bracing herself on the comm controls. He wanted to say something, anything, to try to apologize or backpedal, but he didn’t know where to start. Joker interrupted the silence letting her know he had the Council calling for her. She told him to patch them through, and Kaidan left the room without saying a word.

He went to the Bridge and sat in the co-pilot’s seat. He looked over to Joker whose eyes seemed tired, and heavy, and hard. His jaw was clenched tight. “Joker,” Kaidan started and the pilot looked to him. He had expected to see anger or resentment in his eyes but there was none there; just grief, dark and burdensome. “She asked me to tell you,” He started in a whisper and Joker’s eyes widened as he waited, “I don’t know what it meant but she asked me to tell you ‘Yes, we do.’ Do you know what she meant?” He asked, and was surprised when Joker smiled and shook his head looking back to his controls.

“Yeah, Alenko, I do,” He answered, his voice more gruff than usual. “How are you holding up?” Kaidan was surprised at the concern in the pilot’s voice.

Kaidan didn’t answer right away. It was hard to find the words. He was sad, of course. Angry, definitely. Yet, the overwhelming emotion, the one that gnawed at his core and made his heart ache, was guilt. He swallowed hard. “I keep thinking it should have been me,” Kaidan whispered quietly and Joker let out a humorless chuckle.

“Don’t do that to her,” Joker requested and Kaidan looked to him with question in his eyes. “Don’t take the blame, you take the blame and you cheapen her sacrifice,” Joker paused and Kaidan let the silence stretch. “We talked about it, ya know, how she felt like she was living on borrowed time ever since Eden Prime. She wasn’t afraid of death or dying. She just wanted her death to mean something,” Joker explained as he glanced up to him. “I get it, chivalry and all that, but as much as it kills me to admit it, Shepard made the right choice.”

Kaidan was quiet for awhile then, Joker turned his eyes back to the controls. Kaidan looked over the console hoping to lose himself in the coding for awhile. Anything that might distract him from hearing Ashley’s voice ringing in his ears, ‘Make it count…’ He closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the seat as the tears burned behind his eyes. “Thank you, Joker,” Kaidan said as he stood and clapped him on the shoulder. “You going to be okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. I just… you know, need a little time,” Joker answered with a nod and Kaidan left the cockpit and walked through the CIC. He wasn’t sure where he was going, but he wasn’t surprised when he found himself at Ashley’s locker. He ran his fingers over her magnetic name plate and bit the inside of his cheek to stem the tears that threatened. He went to storage and found an empty box. He opened her locker and pulled out her personal effects: photos of her family, her shower supplies, her bag of civilian clothes and her uniforms, and a couple of books of poetry. Once it was empty, he closed the locker and had the oddest sense of déjà vu as he pulled the magnetic name plate off and dropped it into the box with the rest of Ashley’s belongings. With a heavy heart, he moved over to her work station. She had a few framed pictures of her sisters, and one of her and her father when she was small.

He let out a deep breath that felt sticky with unshed tears as he cleared his throat and moved back to the elevator. He might as well take this to Shepard, now, and get it over with. He stepped off the elevator and made his way to Shepard’s quarters. He raised his ‘tool and pinged her requesting access to the private area. She left him standing there for well over two minutes before the lock turned green and he stepped inside. The room looked no different than it had when Anderson had stayed here. From the pressed uniforms hanging in the closet, to the cleared table, and the perfectly made bed. He found her sitting at the console in her room.

He set the box down on the table, and folded his hands behind his back in parade rest as he waited for her to finish her call. The woman on the other end was in her mid fifties with dark brown hair, streaked with silver. She had large, expressive brown eyes that were brimming with tears. She had the same full mouth as her daughter, lips that would smile easily if it was called for; Ashley’s mother.

“I appreciate your call, Commander Shepard. My Ashley was so proud to serve with you. That she had this opportunity meant more to her than I think I could put into words,” Mrs. Williams thanked Shepard, who nodded.

“She was an asset to my team, yes, but she was more than that. She became my friend, and I want you to know I will miss her everyday,” Shepard complimented, and Mrs. Williams nodded, her eyes filling with tears and her chin trembled as she tried to hold herself together.

“Thank you, I – I have to go. My other daughters will be getting home soon, and I’ll have to let them know,” She said and Shepard nodded and the call cut off. She dropped her head into her hands as soon as the video call ended.

“Shepard,” Kaidan started but froze when she whipped around. Her eyes burned bright blue with the energy of her anger. She stood and stalked over to him. She peered into the box and saw it was full of Ashley’s items. “I – ” He started but she cut him off.

“What the fuck were you thinking?” She snapped at him, her anger even more apparent. His words stuck in his throat when she glared at him. “That display, that question, that bullshit is exactly the reason there are rules against this!” She said, waving her hand between the two of them. “Goddamn it!” She pushed the chair in front of her into the table and turned her back on him.

He snapped his answer, unable to hold it in anymore. “Ashley is dead and it’s my fault! I armed the nuke expecting to be the one left behind! I should have been left behind!” He insisted and she turned to stare at him. “You were already gone from the area, there was no way I was going to let them stop that bomb from going off. You should have saved her! When you came back for me, I…” He let out his breath as their eyes locked, “You weren’t supposed to come back for me,” He whispered the last sentence, losing the steam from his argument.

“How could I not?” She asked, her face scrunched in confusion. She shook her head at him. “Anderson, Hackett, shit, Pressly would have made the same decision I did and you fuckin know it! My feelings for you had nothing to do with my decision to come back for you,” She was yelling now, pointing a finger to his chest and though he had the impulse to take a step back, he didn’t. He held his ground. “It was the textbook right decision. Should you have waited for my order to arm the nuke? Hell yeah! In the end, it was my decision to try to talk some sense into Saren that wasted the most time. Am I blaming myself? Fuck no. Know who I do blame? Saren Arterius. The fuckin bastard who had us there in the first place.”

Her chest was heaving with each breath, and her eyes were hot with an intense anger and Kaidan wasn’t sure who it was aimed at. He sighed, suddenly exhausted and he could feel his shoulders fall. He watched as her face broke and she turned her back to him. She rubbed her hands over her face and he waited for her to turn back. After a long silence, filled with what wasn’t said, he spoke, “Shepard…” He waited for her to respond and she didn’t. He took a hesitant step closer. “I don’t know what to say.”

She turned back to him, “There’s nothing for you to say, Alenko.” She spoke his last name and it felt like a slap in the face. He could see the hurt in her eyes as they stood in silence. He felt the anxiety in his chest, and his hands fisted at his sides. As he searched her eyes, he watched as she shut him out. He cleared his throat in an attempt to speak around the fear choking him.  
“Sloan-” She interrupted him before he could finish, the pounding in his chest echoed in his ears.

“It’s Commander Shepard,” She snapped, venom in her tone. Their eyes were locked, and the anger of the moment heated the room in a way very different than the electricity he was used to. He felt dizzy at her words. He clenched his jaw, and had the impulse to challenge her and move closer, but she took a step away from him before he could. He dropped his shoulders in defeat and nodded with a sigh.

“Yes, Ma’am,” He replied quietly.

“You’re dismissed, Lieutenant.”


	26. Chapter 26

It had been three days since they left Virmire. They were heading to the Citadel in order to check in with the Council regarding the information they had received from Sovereign and Saren. Kaidan was working diligently with Tali and Liara on the data they had pilfered from the base on Virmire. They hadn’t found anything exciting, just more specs on the geth. Kaidan had to admit, with everything that had happened it was nice to be able to hide in the code as he worked the decryption.

Kaidan hadn’t spoken with Shepard outside of mission related topics since the argument after Virmire. He was still stationed outside her cabin and every time she walked passed, the scent that trailed after her teased him and twisted his core. He told himself it was better this way and he focused on being the type of soldier he had always been: One who would never dream of breaking regulations. It made it easier to get through each day as he focused on his work more and his CO’s smile less. If anyone had noticed a change in him, they didn’t say anything.

At night, he missed her.

It was at night on the ship that they had spent their time together. After the rest of the ship was sleeping, and both of their work was done for the day. In the mess or at his station, just sitting and talking longer

than they should have. Now, there was nothing left to distract him as he lay in his sleeper pod and thought back on their argument wondering what he could have said or done differently. He’d curse himself, and force himself to think of anything else. Eventually, he would fall asleep but his rest was plagued with dreams of Ashley and what her last moments would have been like or of Shepard and what could have been. He couldn’t decide which was worse. Needless to say, he was tired most days.

Each day started with him checking his messages, waiting for the notice of his reassignment. It would be warranted. He’d received another message from his mother. He thought of the look on Mrs. Williams face while she spoke to Shepard. The anguish that had reflected in her eyes as they filled with tears and in the tremble of her chin. It had been four months since she had seen Ashley, and now she’d never see her again. She’d never hold her, or see her promoted, or married. It had been even longer since he had seen his parents. He replied to his mom and promised to come home for a visit after the mission.

He was at his station early in the day cycle reviewing some of the information he had decrypted the day before when he received the message from Shepard. She wanted everyone in the comm room. He locked his station and headed towards the stairs. Part of him hoped he’d get there first and have a moment alone with her, though he didn’t know what he would do if he did. The other part of him hoped he was the last to arrive, afraid of what she might say to him. He took a deep breath before he entered the comm room and found Shepard alone. He cleared his throat and saluted, “Commander,” He greeted, his voice hoarse. She returned the salute and nodded towards his seat without speaking to him. He stifled a sigh as Liara entered, followed shortly after by Wrex, Garrus, and Tali. Ashley’s seat next to him remained empty.

“I received a message from Admiral Hackett of the Alliance,” Kaidan’s eyes moved to Shepard as she spoke. If you asked anyone else, they would tell you she looked fine. Kaidan knew better. Her eyes were glassy and there was a hint of the circles on the thin skin beneath them that couldn’t be hidden by her make-up and betrayed her exhaustion. She looked almost as tired as he felt. “The VI at the Alliance training base on Earth’s moon has gone rogue, and he asked us to fight passed it and take it out,” Kaidan shifted in his seat. He was anxious to get back out in the field and shoot something. Hopefully, if he expelled some energy he would be able to sleep better. “We’ll be landing at Luna Base in approximately six hours,” She informed them. “Vakarian and Wrex, meet me at the Mako then, suited up and ready to go,” She ordered and Kaidan felt like the rug had been pulled out from under him.

She turned her eyes to him, almost daring him to say something. He hated the hard look she gave him now. He bit his tongue, and she stared at him for a moment longer, as the tension in the room increased tenfold. She nodded then, and dismissed the room and Kaidan went immediately to his station. This was the first mission she wasn’t taking him groundside for, and it was an Alliance facility. He was frustrated, but knew this was part of her punishment for the scene earlier this week. He sighed and went back to work at his console.

He didn’t realize how much time had gone by, six hours had passed quite quickly. He locked his station and went down to the cargo bay to see them off. The elevator opened and he stayed toward the back of the room, away from the Mako, as he watched them get ready to go. Shepard, Wrex, and Garrus were standing near the vehicle going over the plan for the mission. He watched as Wrex climbed in and took the spot at the guns. This meant Garrus would be navigating. Shepard and Garrus were still talking and he caught Garrus’s eye for an instant. He couldn’t help it, he pulled himself away from the wall and walked over to the Mako.

Garrus watched him approach, but kept his face neutral. He moved behind Shepard and his hands went to the closures at her waist. She jumped and turned to face him. Her burning gaze met his, and he nearly flinched, but restrained himself. He just stood steadily under her scrutiny and he watched as her eyes softened. Without taking her eyes off him, she turned her back to him. After a pained moment, she looked forward into the Mako and lifted her arms slightly. He checked the closures, but kept his fingers away from the exposed skin at the back of her neck, remaining strictly professional. Once he was sure everything was secure, he tapped her shoulder guard and without a word she climbed into the vehicle to secure herself in the driver’s seat.

“I’ve got her six, Alenko,” Garrus promised, and Kaidan nodded taking a step backwards. He stood with his arms folded across his midsection as the bay doors opened, and the Mako was dropped to the moon’s surface. Once they were gone, the silence was deafening. He didn’t know if he would be able to focus on anything while she was gone. He went to his station and logged back in. Immediately, he accessed his medic programs and pulled up his connection to their hardsuit monitors. He couldn’t be with them, but he could still make sure they were – she was – okay.

The hours ticked by and Kaidan’s attention was on her monitor more than it was on his work. Eventually, he logged off his station and went to the cockpit. Joker looked up at him as he fell into the co-pilot’s chair and logged on. Immediately opening the medic screen again. No changes. He looked over to Joker, who nodded as if he knew what was on Kaidan’s mind. Perhaps he did. Kaidan turned his attention out to the fantastic view of the Earth before them, “It really is a beautiful planet,” He commented absently, and Joker nodded. Kaidan suddenly felt nostalgic as he looked to the place where he’d been born.

“It’s alright. You don’t always get to see the planets the way I do. There are some pretty amazing views out here,” Joker added, as he monitored the systems that allowed them to hover over the moon.

“Well, yeah,” Kaidan paused as he stared at Earth, “but that’s home,” Kaidan said, surprised by the wistful tone of his voice.

“Maybe for you,” Joker replied and Kaidan looked to him, “I’m from Tiptree, didn’t set foot on Earth til I joined up,” He admitted, and Kaidan’s response was cut off by the flashing red light on his medic program. His heart dropped to his stomach when he looked and saw that it was Shepard’s hardsuit that had been hit. There was damage to the helmet that stretched down the right side of her torso. “Shit,” Joker stated and Kaidan was up before anything else could be said. His system just told him where the injuries were, and usually it could read vitals but not at this distance. He ran down the stairs and met Chakwas at the elevator with the gurney.

Once the elevator door closed, Chakwas spoke. Her voice was calm, but it was trained to be, “She’s alive but unconscious. There appears to be a puncture wound to her chest. The exact area was unclear. I do not believe it is a GSW, but it’s hard to tell from the readings.” Kaidan felt the blood rush from his face as he nodded.

They waited in the bay for the Mako to return. Minutes felt like hours, but eventually the alarms went off that the bay doors would be opening and the Mako pulled up. The door was thrown open before it stopped rolling into place and Chakwas and Kaidan were at the door that instant to take Shepard’s still form from Garrus. Kaidan laid her out on the gurney and Chakwas opened her omni-tool to run a scan over her form as Kaidan took in the damage to her armor. There was a significant crack to her helmet, and when he looked through the visor her face was pale and there was a trail of blood from the side of her head and down her cheek. He swallowed hard as he started to push the gurney to the elevator. He took in the rest of the damage, the right side of her chest plate was scraped and cracked, and there was a hole in plating just under her right breast. He turned to Garrus who was hot on his heels, carrying his own helmet, “What the hell happened down there?”

Passed Garrus he saw Wrex throwing his armor off and to the floor of the bay. Nearly ready to charge the hull as Joker pulled away from the moon and headed towards Arcturus, per standard protocols. “There were three bases that needed to be cleared out, the first two were no problem, but it seemed like it knew we were there to kill it. The third base… there were too many drones. According to the Commander, they were Advanced Rocket Drones,” Kaidan cursed as he locked eyes with Chakwas and the elevator doors opened. He helped push the gurney to the med-bay. “There were too many, I couldn’t hack them fast enough and Wrex and Shepard’s biotics were nearly useless against them. One of the drones shot a rocket at me and she pushed me out of the way. It didn’t hit her, not directly, but the blast sent her flying. There was some kind of pipe or something that was protruding from the wall, and she’d been impaled. We know it was better not to remove it but we had to,” Garrus answered as Kaidan looked to Chakwas.

“Okay, thank you for the report, Garrus. Now, I need to work. I’ll get you an update as soon as I have one. Right now, you’re in my way,” Chakwas said her voice firm and void of any emotion. Garrus nodded and left the bay. “Kaidan, once you help me with her armor that goes for you, too.” Chakwas ordered and Kaidan looked to her and thought about arguing, but he knew better. Chakwas was competent and if she said he would be in the way, he would be. So, he nodded and started by removing her helmet.

He hissed when he saw the gash in the side of her head. He wasn’t certain, but he thought he saw bone just over her ear. He swallowed hard and drew from his medic training as he continued, blocking out the frantic beating of his heart at the lack of color to her skin. Her eyes were almost closed, but not quite, he could make out the whites of her eyes between the lines of her long lashes. He moved to her shoulder guards and removed them and her gauntlets and gloves on her left side as Chakwas removed the right. It didn’t appear any of the bones in her arms were broken and Kaidan assisted her in unhooking her chest plate. They pulled it away cautiously and once it was removed, Chakwas unzipped her underarmor and her attention went to the wound on her chest as Kaidan continued with her greaves and boots.

Once the armor was removed he pulled off the underarmor, ignoring the pale flesh exposed as he did. Once it was off, he pulled one of the scratchy gowns Chakwas had in stock at the back of the room and draped it over her. Then he stepped back and looked at her. She seemed so small, and broken. He chewed the inside of his cheek as his heart raced. He forced himself to swallow the bile rising in his throat. Chakwas looked up to him for a moment. “Thank you, Kaidan. Please blur the windows for me on your way out,” She reminded him he had to leave and he nodded. He flipped the switch at the door and the windows went opaque offering her and the Commander some privacy. The door closed behind him and he looked down to his hands. They were shaking and it took him a moment to realize the red that coated them was her blood.

He went to the men’s room to wash his hands. As he watched her blood the drain, he realized their last real conversation was their argument. She simply had to be okay, she couldn’t not be. Not when the last things they’d said to each other were so angry. He didn’t have the chance to make it right. He felt the vomit at the back of his throat again. He glanced at himself and turned, his body heaved and he emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet. Once the gagging stopped, he flushed and turned to splash water on his face and rinse out his mouth. He barely recognized the man in the mirror. He sighed, and left the bathroom to go back to his station. He had an unobstructed view of the med-bay from here, and would know immediately when Chakwas was ready to update them.

He watched the codes scrolling on the screen in front of him, but they were just numbers and colors. He couldn’t focus on anything. He couldn’t get the image of Shepard, lifeless, on the gurney out of his mind. It felt like hours passed, though it was less than two, and it wasn’t until he felt the rumble in his stomach that he realized he’d missed dinner. We went to the mess, and the Mess Sergeant was still there. He fixed a plate for Kaidan, and Kaidan offered him a somber thank you before he took the tray to the table. He ate, because he had to, not because he could taste the food.

As he emptied his tray, the table slowly filled. Liara floated over and sat near him, crossing her legs and arms and looking to the table. Kaidan barely acknowledged her presence. Tali came next, joining Liara on her side of the table. Wrex was next, loudly falling into the seat beside him. He had the absent thought that he was still surprised the chair would support the Krogan’s weight. Last to join was Garrus who seemed oddly guilty as he sat at Kaidan’s opposite side. “I just gave my report to Pressly,” Garrus started and paused. His voice sounded far away, “It all happened so fast,” Garrus said, and Kaidan clapped him on his large shoulder, as a show of support.

“Dr. Chakwas is the best,” Kaidan stated simply, and a silence fell on the table as they waited for word on their Commander; their friend. Try as he might, he couldn’t stop their last conversation from playing over and over in his mind. It was torture to remember the way her eyes had burned at him. After another forty minutes of dense silence they heard footsteps hurrying down the stairs. XO Pressly rushed passed them to the med-bay. Kaidan leaned forward and rested his arms on his knees as they waited for Pressly to come back out of the bay. It took forever but, eventually, both Chakwas and Pressly exited. Pressly placed his hand on the doctor’s shoulder briefly, and turned to go back up to the CIC. Dr. Chakwas rubbed her hands over her face and looked to the mess. She seemed surprised at the group that had assembled there, and she made her way over to the table.

They looked to her expectantly. Kaidan couldn’t help but notice that she seemed weary, and she let out a deep sigh. She lifted her eyes and found Kaidan’s. “Commander Shepard is going to be fine,” Kaidan was surprised by the immense weight that lifted from his shoulders as he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. The rest of the group grinned, and exhaled as well. “She suffered a concussion from the head injury, and her lung was nicked by the pipe. She also lost quite a bit of blood. She will be tired, and sore, so most likely very grumpy, but she will be fine,” Dr. Chakwas reported to the relieved group and held Kaidan’s eyes. “Lieutenant Alenko, may I speak with you for a moment, please?” She asked and Kaidan stood and walked with her to the med-bay doors.

“Ma’am?” He asked as he stood with his hands clasped behind his back. Her eyes were bright, but tired and when she let out a sigh, her shoulders sagged.

“I am quite fatigued and would like some time to rest and freshen up,” She stated, and he nodded. She’d earned it. He thought he noticed a spark of mischief in her eyes as she continued, “I was hoping I could impose on you to monitor the Commander’s vitals while I am away from the Med-Bay,” She continued, and he was certain that the corner of her mouth quirked up in a smile. “You have medic training and would be able to assist with any immediate care, if needed. I understand it may be a nuisance, but it would be a great service to me,” She finished her request, looking up at him with feigned innocence in her eyes.

“It would be no imposition,” Kaidan said, nodding his head slightly. “You definitely deserve a break.” He answered her and she nodded and led him back into the Bay. Immediately, his eyes went to Shepard. Some of the color had returned to her cheeks, and her eyes were fully closed now as she rested. She was lying back, but the head of the bed was slightly elevated. He noticed the bandage over the gash above her ear. He realized the Doctor had refrained from shaving as much as she could. Shepard wasn’t a vain woman, but he had a feeling she would appreciate that. She was in one of the scratchy hospital gowns, but she still looked comfortable as she slept.

“Like I said before, she had a concussion but her brain waves are normal. The pipe did nick her lung, but she was lucky,” Chakwas moved closer to the bed, and adjusted the blanket around her, tucking her in. Kaidan felt a rush of affection for the Doctor, and he couldn’t help the small smile that tugged at his lips. “It didn’t actually puncture her lung, so she suffered no pneumothorax. I expect her to wake sometime within the evening, though I can’t pinpoint exactly when. I did give her sedatives and pain medication so when she does wake she may be slightly out of it,” The doctor paused and checked the monitors and Kaidan noticed her damaged, bloody armor in the corner of the room. “Unfortunately, because of the severity of the laceration on her scalp, I was forced to use stitches instead of the surgical grade medi-gel,” She said, turning her attention back to Shepard and ran a gentle finger over the bandage. Then she pressed her hand to Shepard’s forehead, and let it fall against her cheek.

“You are an amazing Doctor, and we are lucky to have you with us,” Kaidan said as the warmth spread through him at the way she cared for everyone on the ship.

“Well,” She sniffed, and turned her head away from Kaidan for a moment, her hand going to her face. “I couldn’t bare the thought of losing another so soon.” He reached out and placed a hand on her shoulder, and she lifted hers to squeeze his fingers. “I appreciate you saying that, however, and you sitting with my patient.” He said again it was not a problem. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’ll take my leave. I think a warm shower is warranted,” She said as she gestured to her clothes, spotted with blood and other fluids. Kaidan nodded, and watched as she went.

The sudden silence of the room was stunning, and broken only by the steady beeping of the machines next to her bed. He watched her heartbeat on the monitor. He looked to her face and watched her eyes flicker behind her lids. He wondered what she was dreaming of. Her chest was rising and falling steadily, but he focused on the sound of the monitor beeping with her heartbeat; steady and regular. It was his favorite rhythm.

Though he hated the circumstances, and that he needed a reason, he was glad he had been given the opportunity to sit near her when she wasn’t shooting daggers at him. Garrus had said he hadn’t been able to hack the drones fast enough. Shepard was used to working with two teammates with advanced technical skills. He couldn’t help but feel like, if he had been there, she wouldn’t have been injured. There was no reason to dwell on that. There was no going back and changing anything. Though, this was the second time this week he’d felt responsible for the negative outcome of a mission.

He sat in silence and let the sounds of her breathing relax him. He leaned back and closed his eyes. He wasn’t sure how much time passed. He may have dosed off, but he jumped and opened his eyes when he heard a small moan slip from her lips. He sat forward and moved his seat closer to her bed. Her eyes opened slowly and looked glazed over, most likely from the pain medication. He watched the confusion play on her features for a moment as she tried to shift in the bed. “Don’t move,” He whispered and she glared at him.

“I’ll do what I want,” She snapped back, and he had a flash the stubborn sixteen year old girl Anderson would have faced after Mindoir.

“Will you let me help you?” He asked her and moved to stand but waited for her answer. She surrendered her attempted to move and laid back on the pillow with a sigh as she let her eyes close. “Do you want some water?” He asked her and she nodded slightly. He stood and found an empty cup and a pitcher near her cot. He filled the cup and held it in front of her lips. She kept her eyes closed, so he watched as her tongue snuck out to find the tip of the straw and guide it into her mouth. Once she finished, and released the straw, he placed the cup back on the table and moved his chair even closer to her bed.

“What happened?” She croaked out and opened her eyes again. He asked what she remembered. “The last thing I remember is…” She paused, looking up to the ceiling, and her brow creased as she thought back, “Getting to the third base on the moon,” She turned her eyes to him and he could see the fear in them. He’d missed that openness and though he was sure it was from the drugs, he was glad it was back. He filled her in on what Garrus had told him, and watched as she blanched. She lifted her hand and found the bandage on her head, then her hand went to her midsection to find the bandage there. “Are Garrus and Wrex okay?” He told her they were fine, and watched as the weight of the world lifted from her face. “Did they complete the mission?” She asked him and he nodded.

“How do you feel?” He asked her, and she shifted again and assessed her pain levels.

“Sore, and grateful. Why are you here?” She asked him, and he wasn’t sure if it was annoyance or curiosity in her tone, and he felt his heart race. He hoped she wouldn’t ask him to leave.

“Dr. Chakwas worked on you for quite awhile. She asked me to sit with you while she rested,” He answered and she nodded and closed her eyes. He cleared his throat softly and moved to stand as he said, “If you want I can go get-” He stopped when her hand reached out and took his forearm. She just shook her head.

“No, will you stay?” She asked him, her voice was small and his heart swelled when she touched him.

“Always,” He answered and she opened her eyes and met his. He sat back down, and she removed her hand from his arm and closed her eyes again. Once her cool touch was missing, his arm burned with the lack of it. He sighed. “Listen, Shepard, I’m sorry for questioning you,” He whispered and she opened her eyes and met his again. The heat he found in them was no longer angry, there was something else just as unstable that lingered behind her eyes.

“In truth, I may have slightly over-reacted during the meeting,” She admitted and his brow creased as he watched her. She tried to shift again, to sit up higher, and couldn’t. He stood and gingerly wrapped his hands around her ribs. Her eyes shot to his face and her breath stuck in her throat at the contact. He felt the tingle of her biotics in his hands, and realized how much he had missed that sensation. She supported herself on the cot and he lifted her slightly so she could scoot backwards easier. “Thanks,” She said as she laid her head back against the pillow. He sat back down, leaning forward and rested his forearms on the edge of her cot with his hands folded together. He hoped she would explain herself without him asking her. There was silence for a moment before she continued. “When it came down to making the call on Virmire, I was so angry with you for arming the nuke without my order,” He looked to her sheets. “I knew I had to make the choice, and in that moment, I knew I was making the right one when I had Joker go to the bomb site. There was no doubt in my mind. As much as it killed me to leave Ashley, part of me really thought I could get to both of you. I mean, I’m Commander Shepard, I do the impossible,” She chuckled humorlessly and shook her head. “Then Saren showed up, and I really don’t know why I kept talking to him… Regardless, when I got to the bomb site, and we secured the bomb and made sure nothing would stop it from detonating, I knew I had done the right thing,” She said, and he nodded. She had already explained herself, she didn’t have to go over it again.

“Then, when you walked into the comm room, and I saw you up and walking and okay… the relief I felt that you were here, alive, and okay, it scared me. I doubted myself. Had I let my feelings cloud my professional judgment? In that moment, I hoped you would look at me and reassure me, and what I got was the same doubt I felt so I lashed out. I wasn’t entirely angry with you, I was angry with myself. I mean, I was angry that you had brought it up in front of everyone, but it wasn’t until I had to explain my decision as Commander Shepard that I knew for certain that I had made the right decision. A decision I could live with,” She explained, and he felt his heart in his throat.

“I was an idiot, Shepard, I know you. I never should have questioned you,” He said with a gentle shake of his head and heard the soft chuckle slip from her.

“No, you shouldn’t have,” She agreed, “Especially not in the comm room.” He laughed softly and he could hear the smile in her voice when she added, “What a pair we make, huh?” He agreed quietly. The silence lingered as he stared at his hands. He could feel her eyes on him, but he was afraid to look at her, afraid of what he would see when he did. “I was glad to see you when I woke up,” She admitted in a whisper, her cheeks coloring when he finally turned his eyes to hers.

“You can thank Dr. Chakwas for that,” He answered then his voice dropped down to a conspiratorial whisper and he leaned closer to her, “I think she’s on to us.”

She cleared her throat and whispered in response, “Is there something to be on to?” Her eyes were locked with his and his heart was pounding against his ribs. His eyes bounced from hers to her lips as that pleasant heat returned to their interaction. He felt it spread across his chest and down his spine. He’d missed it.

“Well, Sloan…” He whispered her name and paused to gauge her reaction. When she smiled instead of reprimanding him, he continued, “That’s up to you.” She didn’t say anything, but her hand reached out and took his, separating it from his other hand as she tangled their fingers. She didn’t say anything. She didn’t have to. She just closed her eyes and laid her head back against the pillow. He moved his chair closer to the cot and leaned against it. His elbow was resting on the bed, and he held his head up with his free hand as he watched her fall asleep.

He knew she had fallen back to sleep when her breathing deepened, and her hand went slack in his. He heard the door open behind him, and the soft padding of Dr. Chakwas’s feet on the floor. He slowly pulled his hand from hers, so he wouldn’t disturb her, and sat back in the chair. He felt the heat of embarrassment in the burning tips of his ears and he was reminded of a time his father caught him on the porch with a girl well passed curfew.

“How’s our patient?” Chakwas asked, and Kaidan looked up to her and let her know she had woken and fallen back to sleep. She nodded. “Well, I definitely appreciate your assistance, Lt. Alenko.”

“Anytime, Doctor,” He offered as he stood. She walked him to the door of the med-bay. He looked over his shoulder one more time at the sleeping Commander before turning and facing the Doctor. “Good night,” He offered her.

“Sweet dreams, Lieutenant,” She answered and he chuckled as he made his way to his sleeper pod. As he settled himself, for the first time since Virmire, he could feel himself relaxing and knew sleep would hit him soon. He let his mind wander over the possibilities for shore leave. Thoughts he had forbidden himself for the last few nights. Then, just as he was drifting off, he remembered he had already promised his mom he’d visit home. Shit.


	27. Chapter 27

Kaidan wasn’t as surprised as everyone else when he’d received the message from Shepard early one afternoon asking them to assemble in the comm room. It had been two days since her injury, and he had been in to see her earlier, before day cycle had started. She was doing much better. It would take at least another day before her lung was fully healed. Thank god for modern medicine. Dr. Chakwas said she would release her to limited duty, and Shepard had balked at the limitations. “If you don’t like it, I don’t have to release you,” Chakwas reminded her and Shepard let her head fall back against the pillow with an exaggerated frown. She glared when Kaidan had chuckled at her.

“I’m glad you’re doing better, Commander,” He offered from his spot at the foot of her bed and gently placed a hand on her shin before turning for the door. Dr. Chakwas raised an eyebrow at him and he wished her a pleasant day as he left the med-bay. Her restrictions weren’t terrible. She simply couldn’t go groundside for the next two days but at this point, there was no knowing when they would have another lead. If Kaidan, Liara, and Tali couldn’t find anything in the data from Virmire, it might be too late. Saren’s head start was getting larger by the day, and Kaidan had a feeling that’s where Shepard’s true frustrations lie.

When Shepard entered the comm room, she was walking stiffly and Garrus stood to offer her his seat and she waved him off with a shake of her head and a laugh. She moved to her usual spot, and leaned against the control console. She thanked everyone for their teamwork over the few days she was out of commission that allowed everything to continue running smoothly. Garrus had started to apologize for the incident on the Moon and she waved him off. “There is no need for that, Garrus, I’m just glad we all made it out alive.”

“Shepard? Excuse me for interrupting, but I have an idea. I think the beacon you found in Saren’s base was similar to the one you found on Eden Prime. It may have filled in the missing pieces of your vision. I might be able to help you put all those pieces together,” Liara suggested shifting nervously in her seat. Kaidan’s eyes moved to Shepard who seemed uneasy at the suggestion.

“You want to join our minds again, don’t you?” Shepard asked, wincing at the thought and Kaidan chewed the inside of his cheek to stop himself from speaking out of turn. The idea made him very nervous.

“It might provide us with the information we need,” Liara offered as she moved to sit at the edge of her seat.

“Okay, go ahead,” Shepard said as she moved slowly into the center of the room. Liara stood and met her there.

Kaidan looked to Garrus, whose face showed as much concern as he felt, “Uh, Commander?” Garrus spoke up before Liara could start the meld and Shepard leaned around Liara to look at the Turian. “I don’t know much about human physiology, but maybe we should check with Dr. Chakwas?” He asked, his two-toned voice apprehensive. He wasn’t really questioning an order. Though, Kaidan was glad Garrus had spoken up first. Shepard narrowed her eyes at the Turian for a moment before turning her attention back to Liara.

“He does have a point,” Shepard admitted, quietly. “The last time we did this, it had quite a negative affect on me. Maybe it’s not such a good idea,” She chewed her lip as she considered her options.

Liara sighed softly, “Shepard, I think the problem is … you have these mental barriers that are built up around you… your mind and your emotions,” Shepard flushed, only slightly, and kept her eyes on the Asari as her brow creased. Kaidan chuckled internally; he was quite familiar with her barriers. “Did the beacon on Virmire have the same affect on you as the one on Eden Prime?” Liara asked and Shepard admitted it didn’t.

“Because you knew what to expect,” Kaidan offered, and Shepard looked to him as Liara nodded.

“Exactly, you weren’t trying to keep it out. If you could relax with me, and allow me to enter, I don’t think it will have the same negative outcome,” Liara suggested and Shepard stared at the Asari as she weighed the risk against the need for information.

“Most dream of melding with an Asari,” Wrex added with his sarcastic rumbling chuckle. It was no secret the Asari were well admired, the plethora of Asari porn on the extranet was just one example. Liara turned a pleasant shade of purple, and the room had a moment of levity. Kaidan shifted in his seat, not sharing in the laugh.

Shepard did, though, and after a moment, she turned her eyes back to Liara, “Alright, I trust you. What can I do to make it easier?” She asked and Liara nodded. The Asari reached out and took Shepard’s hands in hers, their fingers zipping together.

“Take a few, slow, deep breaths,” Liara suggested and Shepard complied as Liara moved slightly closer to her. Kaidan shifted in his seat, trying not to look as anxious as he felt. Liara and Shepard were gazing into each other’s eyes, and it suddenly seemed like Kaidan and the others were imposing on something that should have been private. “Close your eyes,” Liara whispered, and Shepard’s eyes fluttered closed. Liara’s forehead pressed against Shepard’s and she coaxed quietly, “Embrace eternity.”

Shepard and Liara gasped in unison. Kaidan knew, in his head, there was nothing sexual about this particular exchange. Yet, he couldn’t help the heated jealousy that growled low in his chest as his hands clenched in his lap. Their eyes were flickering behind their closed lids, their breathing fast and erratic. Even Tali shifted in her seat and looked anywhere but at the two, while Garrus and Wrex seemed oddly amused. It wasn’t sexual. However, no matter how his relationship with Shepard progressed, it was a level of intimacy that he would never be able to share with her. In this moment, he hated Liara.

Liara pulled away first, a dazed smile on her face and Kaidan had to wonder if maybe she did get some sort of pleasure from the interaction. Their hands were still locked, and Shepard’s eyes opened slowly. “You okay, Shepard?” Liara asked softly as she searched Shepard’s eyes for any sign of distress.

“Yeah, I’m fine. It was just … intense,” She admitted and pulled her hands away from Liara’s, maybe a tad roughly, and took a few steps backwards. Liara looked wounded for a moment, and Kaidan’s eyes flicked to Shepard when she spoke and broke the awkward silence, “Well?”

“I am always shocked by how vivid the images are. I need just a moment,” Liara said as she stepped back and sat. Shepard finally met Kaidan’s eyes, and for a moment he could see the tension, but as they looked to each other it seemed to ease from her gaze and was replaced by a comfortable warmth. With that, the angry growling in his core settled and he offered Shepard a soft smile. Their moment was broken when Liara spoke again, “It’s a distress call,” She paused when all eyes turned to her, but she kept her eyes on Shepard, “A message sent out across the Prothean Empire. A warning against the Reapers, but the warning came too late.”

There was a weighty silence on the room, “What about the Conduit?” Shepard prodded after a moment.

“There were other images … locations,” She stood and started to pace as she worked through what she had seen and what she remembered from her work. “Places I recognized from my research... Ilos! The Conduit is on Ilos! That is why Saren needed to find the Mu Relay! It is the only way to get to Ilos.” Shepard looked cautiously optimistic and Kaidan could feel the excitement starting at his toes.

Tali spoke up, her soft trill startling the group, “Why haven’t you mentioned Ilos before?”

“The Mu Relay links to dozens of systems and hundreds of worlds. How was I to know Ilos was the one we wanted?” Liara snapped as she turned to look at the Quarian who held her hands up in a gesture of surrender. Liara look slightly abashed as she turned back to Shepard. She hadn’t meant to snap. “Without the Cipher, the images in your visions were never clear. Only now do I recognize them as landmarks from Ilos.”

“Ilos it is then,” Shepard announced.

“Forget it,” Tali started again, shaking her head. Her tone portrayed the disappointment no one could see behind her mask. “The Mu Relay’s inside the Terminus Systems. Alliance ships are not welcome there,” Tali explained, and Shepard crossed her arms over her chest as she thought.

Garrus added, “Neither are Spectres.”

All eyes were on Shepard as she leaned on the console. Her eyes bright with the information and the chance to meet Saren at, if not beat him to, Ilos. It took her a few minutes to come to her decision, and her eyes hardened when they did. When she spoke, there was no room for question in her tone, “The Conduit’s on Ilos. That is where Saren is heading. I’ll be waiting for him when he gets there.”

“Saren will have his entire fleet orbiting Ilos. You will never make it down to the surface without reinforcements. You must alert the Council,” Liara recommended and Shepard look to Kaidan who had nothing to add, he just gave her an encouraging nod. He wanted to say something, that he was amazed by her, that he was proud to serve with her, that he was excited to have the information they had been searching for, but now was not the time.

Shepard called out to Joker who responded over the comm, “Commander, there’s a comm buoy nearby. I can get the Council for you in moments, give me the word.”

“Set up the link, Joker. The rest of you are dismissed,” She ordered and Kaidan stood with the group and left the comm room as the holographic images of the Council appeared before Shepard. The group went back to their stations to prep for the trip to Ilos. Kaidan couldn’t help the anticipation he felt. It was the break they had been looking for, and it was here. He paused when he heard Shepard heading down the stairs.

She met him at his station with a grin and he asked what the Council had said. “Ambassador Udina wants us to report back to the Citadel. The Council is massing a joint-species fleet to deal with Saren and his geth,” She announced, still smiling. It was validating for her, it had to be. They were finally listening to her, taking her at her word, and supporting her decisions.

“I told you they wouldn’t be able to ignore us much longer,” He reminded her, and she laughed that rich, full laugh that sent his heart racing and he smirked in response as he watched her.

“Nice I told you so, Mr. Brightside,” She accused and he shrugged with contrived innocence. “It feels good, though. After everything we’ve been through, after all we’ve lost, it feels like for the first time we’re making progress instead of…” She paused as if the words were escaping her.

“Running like hamsters on a wheel?” He offered and she nodded, confirming her agreement. His eyes locked on hers. It dawned on him then, that he’d never had the opportunity to talk to her about Sovereign and what they had learned from it. “Sovereign was pretty impressive, huh?” He asked as he leaned on his console. She shrugged and asked what he thought about it. He sighed softly as he gathered his thoughts. He knew she had turned the tables on him as a way to teach him, she had done it more than once. It always flustered him a bit to be put on the spot. “Hell, I don’t know,” He admitted shaking his head. We’re fighting giant machines from outside the galaxy. Should I be afraid of them or in awe of them? Anything so old… so intelligent…” He paused, and she held his gaze. “It makes me wonder, we’re like ants to them. These tiny beings who are inconsequential. Are ants anymore aware of the giants that walk over their heads than we are?”

“The good thing is we have an entire galaxy of species ready to join us. I don’t know if we have a chance but I’m not going to lie back and let them take over. That’s not how I work,” She explained.

“I think Sovereign heard that loud and clear,” He added with a grin and she dropped her eyes to her hands where she was picking at a torn cuticle.

“Talking to it was one of the most intimidating experiences,” She admitted quietly, and her eyes lifted to his when he laughed. “What?”

“You had Garrus and me fooled,” He admitted and she grinned. “Sounded to us like you were ready to take him on, one on one, right there, in that room.”

“Hopefully I fooled Sovereign, too,” She responded, her voice soft and her eyes were bright as they locked on his. It was there again, the dare to be the first one to look away. He wouldn’t. It still shocked him how she could affect him without even touching him. They way she smelled. The feel of her biotics so close to his. The way her she’d tuck her lip behind her teeth as if determined to bring is attention to them. The blood rushed through his veins, hotter than normal and be buzzed with it.

“Commander,” Joker’s voice rang out overhead, and they grinned at their interrupted moment as the addition of the pilot’s voice released the heat building between them. “I’ve got Anderson on the comm for you.”

“Thanks, Joker,” She replied through her smile as she shook her head. The comm cut out. “I should go,” She said, and he nodded. She took two steps backwards, and not once did he look away. She shook her head and turned to jog up the comm room to speak with Anderson. He watched her go, smirking, before turning his attention back to the work in front of him.

It was later that afternoon when the Normandy docked at the Citadel. Shepard had dressed in her BDU for the meeting with the council this time. She wanted it clear she was a soldier in this fight and not just a figurehead. Kaidan and Garrus followed her through the Presidium to the elevator that would take them to the Council. Kaidan noticed as she reached forward and pushed the button to call the car, her hand didn’t shake.

They met Udina and he turned his mousey gaze towards them and Kaidan cringed internally. “Good job, Shepard. Thanks to you, the Council’s finally taking real action against Saren!” Udina’s nasally voice complimented her, and Shepard turned her attention to the council instead of responding to the Ambassador.

“The Ambassador is correct. If Saren is foolish enough to attack the Citadel, as you believe, we will be ready for him,” Tevos spoke, the Asari’s tone gentle but authoritative.

Sparatus picked up, his two-toned voice condescending as he spoke, “Patrols are stationed at every mass relay linking Citadel space to the Terminus Systems.”

Kaidan felt the anger roll over her as her biotics tingled, though, there was no outward indication of her emotion. She spoke calmly, “You think a blockade’s going to stop him? He’s on Ilos looking for the Conduit right now. What are you doing about that?” She asked, without raising her voice. They had all been expecting more of a response to the information they had.

Valern spoke next, the Salarian’s nasally tone echoed awkwardly off the walls, “Ilos is only accessible through the Mu Relay, deep inside the Terminus Systems, Commander. If we send a fleet in there, the only possible outcome is full-scale war.” Kaidan couldn’t see her face, but he could tell in the way her body tensed that she had come to the same conclusion he had. They weren’t going to go after him.

Udina looked to Shepard and she turned just her head to look at him, she allowed herself to flare, just slightly and Kaidan bit back a chuckle at the slight stutter when the Ambassador started, “Now is the time for discretion, Commander. Saren’s greatest weapon was secrecy. Exposed, he is no longer a threat,” He paused as Shepard’s glare hardened, “This is over.” Shepard held her angry stare on the Ambassador for another second. Kaidan watched him as his eyes moved around the room, everywhere but Shepard.

She turned back to the Councilors, her voice like a sharpened blade when she spoke, “One ship going into the Terminus Systems won’t start a war. I can be discreet.”

Sparatus pointed a finger and snapped at her, “You detonated a nuclear device on Virmire. I wouldn’t call that discreet!” If she could have Thrown him across the room, she would have. Kaidan didn’t have to read her mind to know that. Her hand twitched with the motion to trigger the attack though it wasn’t completed, so the Turian Councilor got to keep standing and glaring at her.

“Your … style served you well in the Traverse, Commander. We recognize that, but Ilos requires a deft touch. We have the situation under control,” Tevos spoke, her tone dismissive and arrogant.

“Like your ‘infiltration unit’ had things under control on Virmire? Remember whose nuke that was. If it wasn’t for my ‘style’ Virmire would have failed and on top of Saren and the Conduit and the geth, we’d have a Krogan army at our doorsteps!” Shepard snapped back. “Secrecy isn’t his greatest weapon, the Conduit is!” Shepard was insistent as she shouted back to the Council.

Valern may not have been able to roll his Salarian eyes, but his tone did that for him, “Saren is a master manipulator. The Conduit is just a distraction from his real plan… to attack the Citadel.” Shepard’s breathing was heavy when she reminded them of the Reapers. She was throwing everything at them in an attempt to let her go after him.

Tevos replied with a sigh, like she was speaking to an unruly child, "Only you have seen the Reapers, and then only in visions. We won’t invade the Terminus Systems because of a dream.”

She was nearly vibrating with pent up rage as she glared at the Councilors. She glanced towards Udina hoping, against all odds, he would back her up, “If Saren finds the Conduit we’re all fucked. We have to go to Ilos.” She was speaking through clenched teeth, nearly snarling the words.

Sparatus turned to Udina, annoyance thick in his tone, “Ambassador Udina, I get the sense Commander Shepard isn’t willing to let this go.”

“There are serious political implications here, Shepard. Humanity’s made great gains thanks to you, but now you’re becoming more trouble than you’re worth,” Udina snapped pointing a finger at her.

“You bastard!” Kaidan erupted, unable to keep it in anymore. He could almost, almost understand where the Council was coming from. Like Shepard had said before, ignorance is bliss, but Udina? He was willing to back the Council instead of his first Human Spectre because it made him look good, “You’re selling us out!”

Udina didn’t even respond to Kaidan’s outburst, “It’s just politics, Commander. You’ve done your job, now let me do mine. We’ve locked out all the Normandy’s primary systems. Until further notice, you’re grounded.”

“Are you insane?” She was yelling now, as her attention moved from Udina to the Council, nearly frantic. “After everything I’ve done, you still don’t believe me?”

“I think it’s time for you and your team to leave, Commander. This no longer concerns you. The Council can handle this… with my help of course,” Udina ordered, turning his back on her.

“You son of a bitch…” She muttered and he didn’t even turn back to her, “I’ll remember this Udina. I’ll remember this when the Reapers are knocking on your fuckin door…” The anger was dripping from her voice as she spoke, and Udina didn’t respond but his spine stiffened at the threat. Kaidan placed a hand on her shoulder, and she knocked it away. She pushed passed Kaidan and Garrus and stormed from the area. Kaidan sighed, and turned to Garrus who shook his head. They followed in her wake, back to the Normandy, to gather their personal belongings for their sudden, unexpected leave.


	28. Chapter 28

Kaidan was procrastinating and he knew it. After the Commander stormed on board, dismissed the crew indefinitely, and thundered to her quarters, most of them left in a hurry. Kaidan was furious over the events of the day so he could only imagine how Shepard felt. After everything they’d found out, all the proof they’d found about Saren, the geth and the Reapers, it amazed him that they could sideline her - them. It astonished him even more that he’d spoken out of turn and cursed at the Ambassador. Apparently, he was learning to enjoy insubordination, and he was sure that was Shepard’s influence; in more ways than one.

He was finishing packing up his station and had run out of ways to hang around the ship. His last stop would be to say goodbye to Joker on the bridge on his way out. He’d resigned himself to the fact that he wouldn’t see Shepard before he left. It was just as well. They would be grounded for a while and he would have time to reach out to her after she’d cooled off. She would be less intimidating then, anyway. He pulled his bag over his shoulder and started towards the stairs.

He stopped when the door to her quarters slid open and he watched, unnoticed, as she walked to her locker to grab her things. She dropped to one knee to open the lock and visibly sighed. He could read defeat in the way her shoulders hung. She leaned her arm on the locker and rested her head on her forearm for a second. Kaidan looked away feeling like he was intruding on a private moment. All he wanted to do was walk over to her, wrap his arms around her and tell her everything would be okay. Now that their mission was over, he could take her on the date she’d agreed to. He just wished their mission would have ended more on her terms than the Council’s.

Kaidan jumped when a loud crack echoed through the mess hall. He turned quickly and watched Shepard pull back and punch the locker two more times in quick succession leaving a profound dent in the metal and a broken door. He watched her turn slowly and drop down to lean back against the damaged locker with her knees up. She rested an arm on each knee and dropped her head with an audible groan. Kaidan noticed a trail of blood running from her ruined knuckles to drip off the tips of her fingers. Solemnly, silently, he dropped his bag from his shoulder to the floor by his feet and made his way quickly to the med bay. As he passed her, he noticed out of the corner of his eye as she picked up her head and rested it back on the locker. He could feel her watching him as he walked, and it flustered him just a little.

He returned from the med bay and went to her. He dropped to his knees in front of her and sat back on his heels. He set the pack of medi-gel on the floor next to him and took her hand in his so he could clean the wound. She squeezed his hand and he looked up at her face. Her eyes were still closed, and her mouth was turned down at the corners. He decided this was his least favorite expression of hers, and made it a personal mission to see her smile again soon. He offered a light squeeze back before picking up the cloth he’d brought to wipe up the blood and clean the cut. She winced as he wiped over the open wound. He looked up at her and she opened her eyes and met his. She was angry, scared, and sad. Jenkins. Ashley. Countless civilians. They had died fighting this war and the Council had just taken away her ability to make sure it wasn’t in vain.

He dropped his gaze from her eyes and blew softly on her knuckles to be sure the skin was dry before applying the gel. He looked up at her as he did this and made eye contact. Her face flushed and he felt that familiar twist in his core as she watched him. Though she was still angry, and that was clear, her features softened slightly as she watched him clean and wrap her wound. As he turned his attention back to her hand, he felt saddened as he wondered again when it had last been that someone, other than a medical professional, had taken care of her in this way. Once he was done dressing the wound, he dropped her hand and sat back before finally speaking, “There has to be some way to appeal. Have you contacted the Alliance?” He was sure she had, but he wanted to get her talking.

“What do you think I’ve been doing all day?” She snapped at him and he stopped and raised an eyebrow at her. She continued to glare at him for a moment, but he kept silent. He had grown used to the way her anger ebbed and flowed as she worked through her emotions. He knew she wasn’t angry with him, but he was here, so she was taking it out on him. There was very little he could do to make this situation better, if all he could do was be her punching bag, he could do that. He could take it.

She sighed, and dropped her head back against the locker. She spoke softly this time when she continued. “I tried. All official channels are closed. We’re grounded until further notice.” He winced at the defeat in her voice. She picked her head up, stretched her neck from side to side and her eyes narrowed as she repeated the conversation she’d had with the Admirals. “I’m ‘too reckless and can’t be trusted to be discreet enough to meet Saren head on.’” She did a fairly decent impression of Admiral Hackett. “I still can’t believe the Council had the nerve to throw Virmire in my face!” He could feel her anger as her biotic energy thrummed. “Like I wanted to nuke the place, it wasn’t even my plan! It was the Salarian’s plan, I just helped them pull it off,” She lost her fire before she continued, pain clouding her eyes. “I lost a soldier… no, I lost a friend that day and they act like I did it lightly. So, we’ll let Saren do what he wants unchecked. Then who do you think they’ll turn to when it goes to hell? When the geth, fuck, the Reapers are knocking down the Council door?” At least now she sounded angry; it was better than sounding broken.

He sighed and shook his head, “One day we’re trusted agents and they’re telling you to do whatever you need to do to take him out, the next we’re being grounded like disobedient teenagers. I think we should be sure to get good seats to watch the Reapers roll in,” He let his exasperation show, and it brought a sad smile to her face.

“Now you sound like me. What happened to Mr. Bright-Side? Can’t you just… lie to me?” She asked with an alien tremble in her voice. Kaidan was struck with the overwhelming urge to hold her once again. Hell, she was younger than he was and she was supposed to – what? – save the galaxy?

“Really? It’s that easy? Alright,” He paused and took her hand again, making sure to make and keep solid eye contact while he spoke, lacing his words with all the sincerity he could muster, “Everything’s going to be okay, Shepard. We’ll get through this.”  
She let a small, real smile play on her lips, though it didn’t bring that sparkle he loved to her crystal blue eyes. A soft chuckle accompanied her words, “That was way too easy for you.” She watched him let her hand go and stand. He brushed his hands off on his pants.

“You want Mr. Bright-Side?” He asked and she raised an eyebrow at him, “I owe you a dinner,” He reminded her and the corner of his mouth turned up in a teasing smirk as he extended his hand to help her up. She held his gaze for a long moment, her eyes moving from his to his hand and back. She nodded and slipped her hand in his, her fingers wrapping around his wrist. He was always surprised that her hands were nearly as calloused as his. He expected them to be soft. When he felt the battle hardened skin of her hands he was reminded that she was a solider and that she had seen a lot in her years. He wished he could make this easier with more than lies.

He gave her a soft pull to help her to her feet. Whether it was too much force from his pull, or in her push off the floor, it didn’t matter. She’d stumbled a little as she reached her feet and he’d reached out instinctively to stop her from falling. His arm around her waist and her cold hands clamped on his shoulders. Time seemed to freeze. They’d spent the last few weeks flirting, circling each other, skirting the regulations, stealing secret glances and brief touches. This was the closest they’d ever been. At least when they’d both been conscious and not surrounded by gunfire and geth, and not in their hard suits.

Kaidan could hear his heart pounding and the tingling of their biotics was a welcome sensation everywhere their bodies touched. Her cheeks were pink and her lips glistened. He could feel her breath dancing on his face. He pulled her a little closer, bringing her directly in front of him, snug against his frame. That fragrance filled his senses and he felt momentarily lightheaded as his nose brushed against hers. He heard her sharp intake of breath as their eyes closed, their lips a breath apart.

“Commander, I have a message for you from Captain Anderson,” Joker shouted over the comm.

Kaidan and Shepard jumped apart as if they’d been shocked. “What is it Joker?” She asked, frustration evident in her tone. Her face was still flushed and he was still a little breathless. Kaidan ran his hands roughly through his hair as he looked to his feet. The Alliance part of him was screaming about regulations and courts martial and impropriety while simultaneously thanking Joker for intervening. While the man in him was half tempted to run up to the bridge and break a few of his bones, all the while celebrating the fact that he’d almost kissed her. When he realized she would have let him, he turned towards her and felt himself stand just a little straighter.

“He said to meet him at Flux,” Joker answered and Shepard thanked the pilot before looking to Kaidan. She looked like she was about to say something, and Kaidan wasn’t sure he wanted to hear it.

He was afraid; afraid that she would say it was wrong, and couldn’t happen again. So he spoke before she could, “I guess you better go, then.” She clamped her mouth closed, choking back whatever she’d been about to say and waited one second while looking at him. Then she turned and moved to the elevator. He watched her go and waited for the elevator to open before turning and burying his hands in his hair in pure frustration.

“Alenko,” She called out while holding the elevator open. He jumped and turned to her. “You coming?” He hopped a little in his turn towards the elevator and jogged over so she wouldn’t be waiting for him. Once they were both inside, she pushed the button for the cargo bay and leaned back against the wall facing him. He stood facing the door with his hands folded behind his back. The perfect picture of a military man. He turned his head to look at her. She leaned against the wall with her hands behind her back. She rested her head against the wall, which caused her hips to shift forward. Kaidan noticed her stance and swallowed hard. She was watching him, her bottom lip between her teeth.

“Do you think Anderson found a way to get us off this station?” He asked, surprised at the deep, husky tone in his own voice which betrayed his nerves and something else. He couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that they’d been so close to crossing that line when Joker had interrupted him. He was surprised he wasn’t more conflicted as he considered his options. It seemed as if, for the first time in his adult life, he was just a man, not a soldier; and Sloan Shepard was just a woman. A woman he wanted to touch, smell… taste. Kaidan couldn’t help but notice, in this moment, the fullness of her lips and the soft lines of her throat. It was hard not to admire the ampleness of her chest and her smooth curves as her waist narrowed and her hips flared. He cleared his throat. The elevator was heavy with potential energy; it was palpable.

She sighed and stood straighter picking her head off the wall, her hips rocked back to fall in line and correct her posture. “God, Kaidan, I hope so.” She looked at him fully and he could feel her eyes moving over him, assessing him in the same way he had just looked at her. He gave a slight nod, more because he had come to a decision than in response to what she had said. He turned towards her and her face betrayed her curiosity. He took a step forward closing most of the distance between them, but still leaving space, a way out. He reached out slowly with his left hand towards the control that would stop the elevator between floors.  
Her eyes shot from his outstretched hand to his eyes and they locked on. She was surprised, and when she smirked, he realized she was daring him with her deep azure eyes. He punched the button a little harder than needed and the elevator stopped abruptly. His heart was thundering in his ears and her cheeks were flushed as her velvet tongue slipped out to moisten her lips. Her chest was rising and falling quickly with the heat of anticipation. His eyes flickered from her mouth to her eyes, asking permission as his hands lifted to cup her face. He let his thumbs leisurely stroke her reddened cheeks as he leaned forward slowly. He was giving her an opportunity to stop him.

She didn’t. She let her eyes close.

After an agonizingly long moment, his eyes closed and his lips met hers tenderly, briefly. He pulled back just enough to watch her for a second. Her hands were still clasped behind her back and her eyes were still closed. Their breath mingled deliciously between them. Another opportunity for her to stop him. When he realized she wouldn’t, he whispered her name and pressed his lips to hers again, this time less delicate and more deliberate. She whimpered, barely audibly, as their lips locked. Her lips were soft and supple as they danced with his.

He felt her shift beneath him and without breaking their kiss her fingers hooked into the belt loops of his pants and she tugged his hips against hers as their kiss deepened. He groaned and dropped his hands from her face letting them wrap around her waist to pull her closer. There was this moment, as his arms encircled her and pulled her closer, when something changed. It was in the soft sigh that slipped from her nose and grazed his cheek as she opened her mouth and let him in. It was in the quiet groan that escaped the back of her throat as their tongues met. It was in the way she pressed her body against his as her hands slid up his chest and her arms wrapped around his neck. It was the moment she surrendered to him. The moment she released Commander Shepard and allowed herself to be Sloan. He was lightheaded, drunk on the heady, sweet taste of her, but not so lost that he missed that moment.

His hands roamed over the firm muscles of her back. As one hand slid up and rested at the base of her neck, his other hand was splayed over her hip. He had her pressed against the wall of the elevator, but he still wasn’t close enough. As their bodies met mouth to mouth and hip to hip, their biotic energy mingled causing a satisfying tingle. His mouth left hers and she gasped as he left a trail of kisses along her jaw. Her head fell back to allow him access to the tender flesh of her neck. He kissed and tasted, his teeth skimming along her pulse point. Her hands tangled in his hair as her breath escaped in soft sighs.

He moved back to her swollen lips and assaulted her mouth once more. He swallowed her moan as her hands slid from his hair down to his back. Her reaction was enough to encourage him. He could feel her tremble in his arms as his hands moved firmly over her back to her behind to pull her closer. Her arms still around his neck and her hands grabbing at his shirt by the fistful, seemingly frustrated all she felt was shirt.

He ended the kiss reluctantly. He sighed against her skin as he placed a trail of soft, tender kisses down the opposite side of her neck before stopping at her collar and just holding her against him. She fit comfortably in his embrace and he enjoyed the thought that he could hold her, and keep her safe. He knew she didn’t need protection, she could handle herself. Yet, there was an animalistic need to feel like the Alpha, and in this moment with his arms around her and her face buried in his neck, he did. Their breath came out fast and erratic. The elevator filled with the blue glow of their biotics. He hadn’t even realized they had flared. He could still feel her heart pounding and knew his was beating to match as they struggled to come down from the erotic high they’d been surfing. They held each other for a brief eternity before he unwillingly released his grip.

“How’s that for gun-shy?” He asked against her ear, his voice hoarse with unsatisfied desire.

Her soft laugh turned into a sigh when he placed another line of kisses along her jawline. “I didn’t think you had it in you,” She admitted. He pulled back, and restarted the elevator with a smirk, and a gleam in his eye as his arms circled her waist again. She had released her grip on his shirt and her hands had found their way back into his hair.

“I am full of surprises,” He replied and she grinned as her hands gently slid down his biceps and back up, leaving a burning trail in their wake. “Right now,” He continued, clearing his throat, “We’re on shore leave and who knows what will happen after we meet with Anderson—”

She took one hand from his shoulders and placed a finger over his lips, understanding showing on her features. “Okay,” She said and let her hands run down his arms as the elevator continued its slow descent. He grudgingly released his hold on her, but left his hands on her hips as she spoke. She seemed just as disappointed to pull out of their embrace. “One way or another, this mission is almost over. Then, you can take me to dinner,” She promised as she reached up and smoothed his hair back into place. He kissed her softly one more time before breaking away completely.

By the time the elevator doors opened in the cargo bay, no one would have been the wiser. Though, Kaidan’s step was lighter than it had been in a long time, and Shepard still had a slight flush on her cheeks as they headed to their lockers to arm themselves before heading to their meeting with Anderson. One could never be too careful on the Citadel.


	29. Chapter 29

Kaidan and Shepard entered Flux and were immediately battered by the flashing lights and pounding bass. Shepard looked to Kaidan as he winced. She knew he tried to avoid places like this because of his migraines so she gave him a sympathetic smile. They both turned their attention to the club, searching out the Captain. After a moment, they spotted him at a table in a dark corner of the room. His rich, chocolate complexion assisted in camouflaging him in the shadows. Kaidan was a step behind Shepard as they approached his table. 

Anderson stood to greet them, coming out a few steps and embracing the Commander. Kaidan was still standing off to the side, and he looked away from the pair, allowing them their moment. She pulled away from Anderson, and he took her face in his hands and tilted her head. He ran his fingers along the healing scar above her ear and winced. “You alright?” He asked her and she promised she was. “Sit. Drink with me,” He ordered and Shepard sat across from him as Anderson returned to his chair. 

It was then that Anderson’s gaze fell on Kaidan, and he looked to Shepard and nodded towards Kaidan in question. Kaidan felt a rush of embarrassment at the intrusion, but it evaporated when Shepard turned and looked at him with a smile. “The last time I spent any real amount of time on the Citadel, I was shot at more than once,” She pushed back the chair next to her and gestured for Kaidan to join them. He did, and he stretched his hand across the table to Anderson, who shook it, as Shepard continued, “I brought Kai-ah-Alenko with me as back-up, just in case.” 

Anderson raised an eyebrow at her stutter, but made no comment. “Were you her back up when that happened?” He asked gesturing with his beer bottle towards the scar he had noticed when she had hugged him before taking a drink. Kaidan sat back in his seat and, without thinking about appearances, stretched his arm out along the back of her chair and crossed his legs, ankle to knee, as Shepard leaned forward over her arms on the table. 

“No, Sir, I wasn’t,” He answered, glancing quickly at Shepard who was picking at a hangnail, and failing to hide a smirk, “If I had been there, it wouldn’t have happened.” Kaidan was still watching Shepard when she looked up and met his eyes. The lights of the club bounced off her face and reflected in her stare, but it didn’t mask the surprise there. He smirked at her and raised an eyebrow. Anderson cleared his throat and they looked back to him as he lifted his hand to signal the waitress to bring a round of drinks for the table. 

“Well,” Anderson started again as he thanked the Asari waitress who left the bottles and glasses of water on the table, “I’m glad you had the time to meet me. I heard what happened.” Shepard sighed and took a long pull from her beer as Kaidan leaned forward to take his. At the last second, he chose to take the water instead of the beer and looked to Anderson as he drank some. Anderson’s face was gave nothing away, but his eyes smiled at him.

Shepard spoke, and their attention turned back to her, “Well, I’ve got quite a bit of free time since we were pulled off the mission. It’s just like when they forced you to give up the Normandy.” 

Anderson shook his head, “I know. I’m sorry. I wanted to warn you, but there was no way to get a message to you before you docked.” Anderson paused, a frustrated silence fell over the table as he took a long drink of his beverage. He let out a deep sigh, and gestured to her head again asking what had happened. She went over the Luna mission with him, filling in the parts she didn’t remember with the information she’d received from Kaidan. Kaidan watched as she spoke, the light of the club making the shadows dance across her face. More than once, he noticed Anderson watching him as he watched Shepard, and each time he would shift in his seat like a child who was caught passing a note in class. 

She asked Anderson how he had been since they had last seen each other. He’d explained that he had gotten more use out of his apartment here on the Citadel than he had since he’d bought it. Shepard grinned momentarily, then her face fell. “You weren’t given any assignments?” She asked him, her features pinched in disbelief. Anderson is one of the most respected Captains in the Alliance, it was a shock they had allowed him to sit idle for so long. 

“No,” He answered simply as he signaled the waitress for another round. “The mission to Eden Prime was seen as a failure on my part, so I was assigned to desk duty until everything with Saren was sorted out,” He admitted, his eyes jumping to Kaidan. It seemed as if Anderson regretted the admission as soon as he spoke it, and Kaidan averted his eyes as a sign of respect that Anderson appreciated. There was an awkward silence on the table for a moment, then Anderson turned to Kaidan, “Alenko, your father served, is that right?” Kaidan was startled by the question, and felt himself flush slightly when Shepard looked at him over her shoulder.

“Ah, yes, Sir,” Kaidan confirmed, taking a sip of his water. He was surprised that Anderson knew about his family’s military history. His father’s service record remained below the radar, though, he did reach the rank of Major shortly before he retired. “He did, but he retired before First Contact,” He explained leaning forward and setting his glass back on the table. 

“I thought your last name was familiar. He was stationed at the base where I went for Basic. I worked with him in the tech labs my first year. How is he doing?” Anderson asked, looking to the waitress to thank her as she dropped off the drinks before turning his eyes back to Kaidan. 

“He’s well, thank you,” Kaidan said, surprised to hear his father had worked with Anderson. Though, it would have been before Anderson had made the name for himself. He was not surprised to hear his father had worked in tech training. He had taught Kaidan everything he knew. Anderson asked about his mother, “They’re both great. Enjoying retirement in Vancouver.” 

“How long has it been since you’ve seen them?” Anderson asked, Shepard leaned back in her seat, her eyes glued to her beer bottle as she picked at the label. The idle chatter around her was grating on her nerves. Kaidan could see the irritation in the tension in her shoulders and back. He answered that it had been over nine months, the guilt rang new when he thought of Mrs. Williams.

“That’s quite a long time,” Anderson commented in passing and Kaidan had to wonder where he was going with this as Shepard sighed. 

“I uh,” He glanced at Shepard out of the corner of his eye as he continued. He realized he hadn’t told her yet, “I’m heading home to visit once we’re officially on leave.” Shepard’s eyes shot to him, and narrowed momentarily before turning back to her drink before she took another long pull. Anderson bit back a smirk and nodded. 

“I bet they’ll appreciate the visit,” Anderson stated simply and Shepard sighed bringing their attention to her. 

“Why are we talking about this?” She snapped, and Anderson lifted his eyebrows at her. “We’re talking about the past and our plans for the next few weeks, while Saren is out there plotting the end of everything! Is this seriously why you called me here? To chat? Damn it, Anderson, I was hoping you had a plan to get us off this Godforsaken shithole station!” 

Anderson sighed, “Look, I know you’re pissed off right now, and I wish there was something I could do, but my hands are tied just as much as yours are. They all think this is over, but we both know it’s not. I know you have to go to Ilos. I know you have to stop Saren from using the Conduit. I just don’t know how,” His tone was impassioned but they were out of options. 

Kaidan spoke up, “We all know there’s only one ship that can get her into the Terminus Systems undetected, and she’s grounded.” Anderson let out a deep sigh and leaned back in his seat, scrubbing his hands over his face. Shepard stayed quiet, taking another drink from her beer. Kaidan let out a chuckle, “It’s a shame we can’t just steal the Normandy.”

He had meant it as a joke, but Shepard and Anderson perked up at the offhand comment, a look of mischief passing simultaneously over their faces. Anderson spoke up, “Citadel control’s locked out all the Normandy’s systems, but if we can override the Ambassadors orders, we can get them to bring the Normandy back on-line. You can be in the Terminus Systems before anyone even knows you’re gone.”

Shepard shook her head, “If we steal the Normandy, you’re the one left holding the bag.”

“And if Saren finds the Conduit, life as we know it is over. The Reapers will destroy us; Humans, Asari, everybody! You’re the only one who can stop him, Shepard. So, I’ll do whatever it takes to get you on the Normandy, and off this station,” Anderson argued as he opened his omni-tool to pay his tab. 

Shepard sighed and looked to Kaidan quickly. He couldn’t believe they were taking this so seriously. Her voice was quiet, almost timid as she asked him, “Stealing the Normandy is mutiny. What if the crew won’t help me?”

“They will,” Kaidan answered simply and Shepard’s eyes lit up at his affirmation.

“The Normandy’s your ship now. Her crew will follow you to the ends of the galaxy,” Anderson added and Shepard and Kaidan turned to look at him again.

Kaidan shook his head as he realized this wasn’t just speculation. His eyes moved between Anderson and Shepard, “Wait, we’re really going to do this? How?” 

They were silent for another moment as they considered their next move, “I can unlock the Normandy from one of the consoles in the Citadel control center. You’ll have a few minutes before anyone realizes what’s happened.”

Kaidan was shaking his head before Anderson finished, “That is a restricted area patrolled by armed guards. How are you going to get in?”

The Captain waved him off, “Leave that to me. Just make sure you’re in the Normandy when the systems come back on-line.” 

Shepard shook her head, “No, you’re going to get yourself killed. There has to be another way.”

Anderson sighed, his lips pressed in a tight line, “Well, Ambassador Udina issued the lockdown order. If I can hack into the computer in his office, maybe I can override it.”

Kaidan couldn’t believe they were entertaining this line of thought, “He’s not going to let you waltz into his office and use his computer.”

“Hopefully, he won’t be there. If he is, I’ll just have to think of something,” Anderson said without a second thought, his eyes lit up at the chance of a confrontation with the mousey Ambassador. 

Shepard seemed to take pause, she reached out and placed her hand on Anderson’s forearm. His words caught in his throat and he looked to her. “David, Udina won’t let this slide. If you’re caught, and this doesn’t work, you’ll be charged with treason, a capital offense.”

“Sloan,” He covered her hand with his, his tone slightly condescending, “we don’t have a lot of options. Either I hack into the Ambassador’s computer, or I take my chances with the patrols in Citadel control. Either way, I’m getting you off this station,” He promised and she sighed. She looked up to Kaidan, who said nothing. He hoped she knew he would support any decision she made. Honestly, he hadn’t thought, when he made the joking suggestion that it would be taken so seriously. Though, considering his company, maybe he shouldn’t be so surprised. 

After a long moment, she pulled her hand away and crossed her arms over her chest as she answered him, “You’ll have a better chance if you go after the Ambassador’s computer.”

Anderson’s face split into a grin, “I was hoping you’d say that. The Ambassador has made this personal. You ready to get off this station, Commander?” He asked as he stood. Shepard’s shoulders lifted and fell with a deep sigh before she agreed. She and Kaidan stood to follow Anderson from the club. “I’ll take care of the lockdown. You get to the Normandy and tell Joker to stand by.”

Shepard paused outside the club and threw her arms around Anderson’s neck. “Good luck,” She whispered softly.

“Godspeed, Sloan,” He answered her as he returned the hug. He locked eyes with Kaidan over her head. No words were needed. Kaidan knew what he was saying: Keep her safe. Kaidan nodded slightly, and Shepard pulled away and looked to him. 

“Let’s go,” She said before taking off at a jog with Kaidan hot on her heels. As they made their way back across the station, the adrenaline started pumping through their veins. They were about to steal the Normandy and take off across the galaxy. Shepard pulled up her omni-tool and fired off a quick message to the crew. It simply stated that they were leaving the station to head through the Mu Relay, and that if they didn’t want to be left behind, they needed to be on the Normandy in five minutes. 

By the time they reached the Normandy’s airlock, they were breathless. Kaidan looked to Shepard and grinned. She laughed softly, her chest rising and falling as she beamed at him. Her eyes were bright with excitement. She had never looked more beautiful, he wanted to tell her but the doors opened before he could. Their attention was pulled to the CIC which was buzzing with activity. Kaidan and Shepard went to the cockpit. Kaidan slid into the co-pilot’s chair and Shepard came to a stop behind Joker. “Uh, Commander, we’re still locked down. I can’t get us out of here,” He declared.

Kaidan looked to Shepard and she chuckled, “Give it a moment.” She insisted. They stared at the controls, waiting for them to turn green. With each moment that passed, the tension increased tenfold and Shepard’s eyes reflected the growing concern she had for her mentor. Just as she was about the call it off, thinking something had happened, the light turned green and Kaidan’s heart leapt to his throat as Joker’s hands started to fly over the controls. Gravity shifted as the ship pulled away from the station. “Get us out of here, Joker. Now!” She ordered and turned to pound away from the Bridge to the Galaxy Map. 

Joker looked to Kaidan, grinning and Kaidan laughed. It was intoxicating. The rush of adrenaline, breaking the rules in order to keep the oaths they had made when they joined the Alliance. Shepard’s voice rang out overhead, ordering the crew to assemble in the CIC. Kaidan stood, clapping Joker on the shoulder as he passed and went to the CIC. He leaned against the wall just behind the Galaxy Map and crossed his arms over his chest as he watched Shepard plot out the route to the Mu Relay. The doors at the stairwells opened and the crew, twenty-five souls total – aliens included, filed in filling in the area between Shepard and Kaidan. 

After a moment, Shepard turned around. Her eyes met Kaidan’s and she grinned before she started, “I made a promise to you. I promised I would not rest until Saren paid for the deaths of Williams and Jenkins. Today, the Council and our Ambassador grounded us. They took away my ability to keep my promise. So, I stole the Normandy. I did. No one else. I am not ordering any of you to come with me. If you do not want to come, there would be no hard feelings. Speak now, and I will drop you at the nearest colony,” Shepard’s eyes roamed over the group and she waited. Kaidan scanned the crew. The excitement he felt was echoed in those around him. No one spoke up. “Understand, what we’re … what I’ve done is illegal and if this doesn’t work…” She paused, and her eyes dropped momentarily. “This is mutiny, yes, but this is not kidnapping. Regardless of the outcome, there will be no claims of being forced to come with me after this is over, this is your chance,” She paused and gave them another moment. Kaidan’s heart was racing. She nodded, “We will hit the Mu Relay in T-20 hours. Be ready.”

One by one, they stood in the CIC, and saluted their Commanding Officer. They’d all follow her, anywhere. Kaidan knew he would follow her. Hell, he’d follow her to hades and back if she asked; even if she didn’t. He had watched her face as he saluted. She was moved by the crew’s gesture, and when her eyes locked on his he’d offered her a small smile. She returned the collective salute and dismissed the crew without breaking their gaze. He made a move to walk over to her when he was interrupted by Tali who asked him to help her with the computers down in Engineering. When he looked to Shepard again, her back was to him and she was focusing on the galaxy map conversing with Joker over the comm to set the course.

By the time he’d finished helping Tali, Shepard had retreated to her cabin. That was hours ago and there was a quiet tension throughout every corner of the ship. Everyone knew it would all be over in a matter of days; one way or another. Now that the heated rush was over, the anxiety set in. He considered their chances, it was a risky mission, going up against Saren and his geth army. For all they knew, Saren was already at Ilos, he already had the Conduit and was waiting for his opportunity. As much as they wanted to believe they would succeed, they could be walking into an ambush. There was a decent chance they would fail. Failure would most likely mean death. His jaw clenched as he forced the dark thoughts from his mind and focused on his task. He was in the cargo bay near, but not using, Ashley’s station as he repaired a rifle damaged in the last fight. He gave up momentarily, sighing and forcing his hands through his hair and down to the back of his neck. He stared at the rifle as he leaned back in his seat. After a moment he glanced up towards the ceiling, towards Shepard. 

Garrus made a soft coughing noise, which sounded odd in his two-toned voice. Kaidan had to wonder if Turians cleared their throats to get someone’s attention or if that was a habit Garrus had picked up working with humans. “Something on your mind?” Kaidan asked as Garrus pulled a stool up to the counter and sat. Kaidan moved, dropping his hands and picking up the rifle again. 

“Yeah, you humans are a confusing species,” Garrus said and Kaidan lifted his eyebrows while he waited for Garrus to continue. “We’re heading off to some spirits forsaken planet, chasing a psychotic Spectre, an ancient machine wants to call his brothers to wipe out the galaxy…” Garrus paused, he wasn’t telling Kaidan anything he didn’t already know. “And your female is upstairs alone?”

Kaidan’s surprise at Garrus’s statement caught in his throat and stopped his breath. He coughed, “My female?”

“Yeah, Shepard,” Garrus answered with the most blunt, honest tone. He sounded surprised Kaidan had questioned his statement. While Kaidan started to argue, Garrus raised his hand. “I’m not going to pretend to understand human mating rituals,” Garrus answered, and Kaidan muttered a soft thanks to god as Garrus continued, “But the way your pheromones spike when you’re together, it’s amazing to me you can keep your clothes on.” Kaidan didn’t reply, just looked up and met Garrus’s eyes. He kept his face as passive as he could, trying to hold on to the denial Shepard and he had been living in. Garrus’s cold blue gaze was unwavering, and Kaidan sighed looking back down at the table. Out of all the aliens they’d picked up along the way, Garrus was the most versed in human culture. He knew the rules and the consequences. He had become the third part of Shepard’s ground team, and a valued friend. If anyone one this ship was entitled to an opinion on Shepard and Kaidan, it was Garrus.

“There is not one soul on this ship that isn’t suspicious of something brewing between you and Shepard, even those who can’t smell the pheromones,” Kaidan felt the heaviness in his chest at his declaration. Garrus continued without pausing, though Kaidan suspected he’d noticed the soft drop of his shoulders. “It was even mentioned after your display at the Virmire debrief; If we thought Shepard had saved you instead of Ash because of it,” Kaidan swallowed hard as he thought back to the argument Shepard and he had after the mission. “But no one could argue with the reasoning she presented. She saved the Senior Officer and ensured the bomb was safe to detonate,” Garrus sighed, and drummed his fingers on the table. Another human habit he’d picked up? Kaidan let himself wonder, thankful for the momentary distraction. Garrus continued after a minute. “Let me put it this way… if this was a Turian ship,” Garrus’s voice dropped to a gentle rumble. “and if I felt about someone, CO or not, the way I suspect you feel about Shepard, and we were heading out on this mission…” He tapped a taloned fingertip on the table to accentuate the last two words before pausing and locking eyes with Kaidan, “I wouldn’t be sitting here with you.”

Kaidan sighed and sat back in his seat glancing up at the ceiling again. “Yeah…” Kaidan said, but he gave no other response. The silence stretched between them, but not uncomfortably. 

“Good night, Kaidan,” Garrus offered him as he stood to head back over to busy himself with the Mako. He clapped him on the shoulder as he walked passed. 

It took just another minute before Kaidan stood and stored his rifle in his locker before going to the elevator. He called a quick good night to the Turian as he pushed the button for the crew deck. He could swear he heard Garrus’s low rumbling laughter. Garrus was right, though, Shepard shouldn’t have to sit alone and … what was she even doing? He scrubbed a hand over his face as his stomach rolled. This wouldn’t be the first time he offered her an ear before a crucial mission. It wouldn’t even be the first time he’d gone to her quarters. Though, the last time he went to see her there was the night after Virmire. She’d been so angry with him then and that was before… before the elevator; before their kiss. He closed his eyes as the elevator trudged up to the crew deck.

Was it just a couple hours ago he’d had her pressed up against the wall - his hands roaming her curves and hers tangled in his hair? He opened his eyes and looked to the wall, swallowing hard. He could almost see them. It was as if the ghost of moments past had brought him back here to see the point of no return. So he could relive it now that the opportunity was gone. He’d been right; their shore leave ended as soon as they’d met with Anderson. He shook the thoughts from his head. The mirage dissipated and he was left alone in the elevator again. What a difference a few hours could make. 

The elevator doors opened and before he stepped off he glanced to her closed door. The control light was red, indicating it was locked. He paused and as he glanced around the mess he thought about the other nights they’d spent on this ship. The conversations they’d had. He stared at the red light on the door before going to the food counter and making her a cup of tea. He added just the smallest pinch of sugar and honey and let it steep. Worry gnawed at his core. She hadn’t left her quarters since the debriefing. He glanced towards the locker and the wrecked metal and thought back to that moment when he’d held her. 

He’d liked the way she felt in his arms, soft but strong. She’d fit against him like he’d been made to hold her. Gentle curves pressing against his chest; his hands splayed over her back. The soft hum of their biotic energy as it reacted. He could still feel her hands in his hair, running along his scalp and teasing the sensitive skin around his implant. He coughed to clear his throat as his imagination took over the memory and embellished it. The tea was ready. With the memory of their kiss fresh in his mind, he’d never felt more at ease as he made his way over to her door without hesitation. He raised his omni-tool to ping her and request access when the door’s lock flickered to green on its own and the door slid open. He raised an eyebrow and quietly crossed the threshold. 

His eyes adjusted to the dim lighting and he found Shepard sitting at her desk. She had changed since the debriefing. She was dressed in grey sweatpants and an Alliance issued tank-top. Her N7 sweatshirt hung on the back of her chair. Her bare feet rested on the seat of the chair with her. One of her arms was wrapped around her legs, holding them against her chest, as her chin rested on her knees. Her other hand scrolled through the information on the terminal in front of her. Her hair was out of its regulation bun; like it had been the first time he saw her. It fell in its soft curl over her shoulders and onto her back. She didn’t look like a Commander, like an N7 agent, like a Spectre. She looked like a woman; someone’s daughter, someone’s sister, someone’s friend, someone’s lover. She didn’t see herself as those things, he knew she couldn’t. He did. 

He cleared his throat and she started and spun in her chair. He noticed her eyes were red-rimmed and distressed. There was a sharp pain in his gut at the doubt that played on her features. He wanted nothing more than to wrap her in his arms and bury her face in his chest and reassure her; to try to make it okay. He couldn’t though – make it okay – there was no way to fix it without running into the storm head on. Maybe he could help her forget for a little while. “Kaidan,” She sighed his name as her face relaxed slightly and a gentle shiver slid down his spine. She ran a hand through her hair before scrubbing her hands over her face. 

“I brought you some tea,” He stated simply, his voice was a gentle rasp as he took another step into the room and set the mug on the table. She thanked him as she stood, her hands went to the hem of the tank and she tugged it, straightening it as she padded silently to the table. His eyes roamed over her as she moved, and he realized how little she was wearing. She lifted the mug and he watched her eyes close as she brought it to her lips and took a long drink. His eyes moved over the room. He noticed the datapads on her desktop and her unmade bed. His heart thudded loudly in the dim, quiet room. He thought maybe she could hear it and he was suddenly aware of the locked door behind him, and the dimmed lights of the sleeping ship beyond that. This was as alone as they could be with a ship full of soldiers. The realization dried his throat. He cleared it, running an anxious hand through his dark hair before he spoke. “Shepard,” He started and she looked at him over the rim of the mug. “I wanted you to know, I…” He paused, he wasn’t sure what he should say. Her face was blank as she waited for him to finish. A heartbeat passed before he continued, “-believe in you,” He spoke softly, like he was speaking to a scared child, as he moved around the table to stand next to her. 

“Yeah?” She asked with a cocked eyebrow as she set the mug down and took a step closer to him. “That makes one of us, because I’m not sure what I’m doing is the right thing anymore,” she whispered honestly, confirming his suspicion, her voice was soft and broken. He felt the twist in his core that he’d come to associate with her, with being near her when she allowed herself to be vulnerable. He watched as she looked down at her hands and picked at a torn cuticle to avoid looking up at him. He swallowed hard as that familiar fragrance drifted up and teased his senses. Being this close to her, feeling the heat radiating from her, sensing the quiet hum of her dormant biotics, it made him dizzy; she was intoxicating. He reached out and wrapped one hand around both of hers, stilling them. She kept her eyes on their hands. 

“Sloan,” Her eyes lifted to his when he said her name, “if I didn’t think you were doing the right thing, I wouldn’t be here,” His voice was a whisper as she looked up at him through her eyelashes. With her hands still in one of his, he cupped her cheek. She let herself lean into his touch, and her eyes closed. His thumb gently stroked her cheek. 

“But you are here,” She said, her eyes opening to meet his as she took a small step closer to him. He tingled as her movement made his hand slip into her hair at the base of her skull. Her soft hair tickled his fingers as his hand passed through the curls. He caught her gaze as she pulled her hands from his. He shivered as her hands trailed lazily up from his abdomen and she rested her palms on his chest. His mind was spinning. He could feel her chilled digits through his fatigues. “Your heart is racing,” She stated quietly, and he raised an eyebrow with a smirk.

His hand slid from her hair down to her chest. He felt more than heard her sharp intake of breath as it stilled over her heart. “Yours too,” he said with one hand resting in the shallow valley between her breasts, he noticed her eyes darken as his other hand drifted down her side to her hip.

Her hands slipped up his chest and over his shoulders, and he inhaled deeply as she stepped into him. His arms wrapped around her and held her against him, her soft curves pressing against his firm frame. “Will you stay?” The words were a gentle whisper in his ear, and his heart jumped at the promise they held. He released her, barely, and pressed his forehead to hers. Her cerulean eyes locked on his. He could see that she knew what she was asking of him. He could see that she knew he couldn’t say no; not to her. She was dressed, but still very naked in front of him. All her walls were down for the first time since he met her, and all he wanted to do was make her feel cared for, protected, and safe. 

“Always,” He answered, just as soft, with just as much promise before closing the final distance between them. He covered her mouth with his, and their arms tightened around each other as their kiss deepened. She moaned into his mouth and his hands moved firmly down her back to her rear and he lifted her. She wrapped her legs around him and he took the few steps to the bed. As he carried her, she pulled at his shirt on his back tugging it out of his pants. He reached the bed, setting her down before ridding himself of the thick, military issue garment. His dog tags fell and clinked together against his chest, her eyes moved to them. His breath caught in his throat when she took a step closer to him and placed her lips to his chest. Her arms slid around his waist as her mouth left a fiery trail across his torso. Her chilled fingers traced patterns on his lower back. His hands were on her waist, toying with the hem of her tank top. His fingers met the soft, warm flesh of her hips and the curve of her lower back. Her hands moved to caress the contours of his core. He felt the desire pool low in his belly as her hands slid to his belt. Her fingers were cold, always cold, but they burned when they met his skin. Like a spark to a powder keg, she destroyed his self-control and he gave in.

He dropped his head, coaxing her to lift hers. His mouth found hers as his hands slid up her sides. She shuddered as his hands grazed this sides of her breasts before cupping them. His thumbs ran lightly over her the sensitive tips as he swallowed her moan. Her tank was hitched at his wrists and they separated just long enough for him to lift the shirt over her head. Once it hit the floor, he cradled the back of her head, her mouth was open and waiting for him as he crashed his lips to hers again. She slid her hands into his pants, and he groaned and moved his kisses to the sensitive skin of her neck. His pants fell to the floor and bunched at his ankles. He toed his boots and stepped out of them as he pushed hers over her hips. They slid down her toned legs easily and she pushed him back on the bed.

The sheets were cooler and the bed was softer than he expected when he fell on it. He propped himself up on his elbows and watched as she stepped out of the rest of her clothes. His fingers twitched with an ache to reach out and touch her. His eyes traveled over her firm, supple skin. He was eager to explore and memorize every inch of her, to map out every scar, every beauty mark, and every freckle. He watched the muscles shift under her skin as she crawled over to him. Their legs tangled together as she kissed him deeply, thoroughly, her hair falling like a curtain around them. She pressed her body against his as she laid on top of him. He groaned at the heat he felt radiating from her. He laid back on the bed and dug his hands into her hair. She moved her lips from his, and he gasped as she kissed along his jaw before tracing his pulse point with her velvet tongue. His hands moved to caress her back from the base of her neck to the firm skin of her thighs. Suddenly, there was just her. The familiar scent, the pounding of her heart, the heat of her skin, the thrum of their shared energy, the soft sighs and gentle moans that escaped her filled the room and his senses. 

With her mouth still at his neck, one of her hands slid down between them and found him. He groaned and his hips lifted from the bed almost on their own as she wrapped her cool hand around him with just enough pressure. He could feel her smile against his neck as she started a tortuously slow pace. As much as he was enjoying her attention, he felt an almost desperate need to make this night about her, to make sure she felt the pleasure she deserved. He wanted to be sure she knew how good it could be; that there was something worth fighting for. He gripped her hips and rolled them over so he was covering her, his dog tags falling against her chest. The surprise on her face was not lost on him, but it did disappear when his mouth found hers. 

His hands explored her curves. His mouth followed raising gooseflesh in its wake. He took the time to memorize her sensitive spots, the places to caress or to let his mouth play to make her gasp and whisper his name. If her body was an instrument, he wanted to learn every chord, every note. A light touch here brought a soft sigh, an open kiss there elicited a moan from deep inside her. Her hands were in his hair as his mouth worked against her core. Her back bowed and her breath paused momentarily before she let it out, moaning his name, as she found her release. She gasped, pulling his hair lightly and he slowly made his way back up her body as she struggled to catch her breath. Her skin was silky and warm. When he reached her mouth, he found it pliant and sweet. She tangled her fist in the chain around his neck pulling him closer and kissing him with a desperation he had never felt from her before. A groan slipped from the back of his throat as he nestled himself between her legs. He slid a hand down her side to the back of her knee and lifted. She took the prompt and wrapped her legs around him trying to bring him closer. 

On top of her pounding heart and heated skin he could feel the thrumming of electricity coursing through her body, and knew his was trying to match. He clenched his jaw, closed his eyes and swallowed hard as he forced a clamp of control over the nodes that were itching to release the dark energy. He’d been here before, but he knew he could keep control over his biotics if he focused. It’s just, the feel of her fingers in his hair, the way she whispered his name and nibbled his earlobe, the way she kissed his neck and nipped lightly at his pulse point; the way her body responded to his touch, undulating beneath him, was making it very hard to focus on anything but her. 

She gasped, and her body arched against him before she let out the most erotic, feminine, beautiful sound as he filled her. Her hands left him and he heard them hit the mattress. As their bodies joined, a deep, rich groan slipped from him as his head fell to her collar bone. Desperate for something to ground him, he reached out and found her hand; their fingers interlacing. He was buried deep inside her, and not moving. His eyes were pinched shut. His breath was coming out in soft pants. He was going to lose it; he could feel the electric energy pulsing around him and he didn’t want to lose control of the current running rampant through him and risk hurting her. He swallowed, he just needed a minute to hold it back. She was whimpering beneath him and he clenched his jaw. 

His name was a breathless, mewling moan as it slipped from her lips. He lifted his head and opened his eyes. Her sapphire eyes were glassy with desire, her cheeks held a beautiful rose tint and her lips were swollen and parted as her breath puffed against his skin. He realized then that he wasn’t feeling just his own biotics, he was feeling hers too. She trusted him, even though he doubted it, she knew he wouldn’t hurt her. The room was washed in blue and small items were moving on the bedside table. She lifted her head to kiss him. When her open lips met his briefly, he let go. The electric energy shot out and mingled with hers like a release of its own. The small knick knacks on the table lifted but they paid them no mind; their eyes locked on each other. 

He was suddenly terrified. Terrified of the intensity of this moment. Terrified of how complete he felt. Terrified of how one woman could make him feel so unbroken. A low groan escaped him when he felt her short, practical nails dig into his back in desperation. She rolled her hips against him and he gasped. He moved inside her and she sighed. He felt her need as she squeezed the hand still linked with his. He gave into the terrifying moment, and started the slow, steady rocking of his hips against hers. He watched this beautiful, strong, capable woman come undone beneath him. It was a heady experience and he feared he’d never get enough of it. He heard her other hand knock against the headboard and she pushed against it to secure herself beneath him, allowing him to fill her more fully. A soft sob left her throat as she bit her lip. He kissed her again briefly, their foreheads pressed together and their panted breaths mingling between them as their bodies moved together to the beat of their pounding hearts and the drumming of dark energy coursing through their veins.


	30. Chapter 30

“Uh, Commander? We’ve got company,” Joker warned as he took the ship closer to Ilos’s atmosphere. True to Liara’s warning, Saren did have his geth fleet orbiting the planet when they reached it early the next day cycle. Kaidan was in the co-pilot’s seat next to Joker. The cockpit was more full than usual with Pressly at the Navigation console, and Liara and Tali flanking Shepard who was standing behind Joker. 

“Have their sensors picked us up yet?” Liara asked, the tension thick in her voice as she grasped the headrest of Kaidan’s seat. Joker assured them that the stealth systems were engaged, so they wouldn’t have any idea they had arrived unless the Normandy was close enough for a visual. 

“Picking up some strange readings from the planet’s surface,” Pressly announced, his focus solely on the computer in front of him. Shepard ordered Joker to lock in on the coordinates and to take them in, but before she could finish, Pressly had spoken up again,

“Negative on that, Commander,” The XO argued, “The nearest landing zone is two klicks away.”

Kaidan sighed softly, “We’ll never make it in time on foot. We need something closer,” He insisted without looking back at Shepard, but he could feel her eyes on his back as he ran scan after scan over the planet’s surface even as Pressly insisted there was nothing closer. His scans confirmed the navigator’s conclusion. 

“Drop us in the Mako,” Shepard offered, eager to get groundside. They were close, so close, but there seemed to be something always in their way.

“You need at least a hundred meters of open terrain to pull off a drop like that,” Pressly announced as his hands flew over his console looking for an appropriate Drop Zone, “The most I can find near Saren is twenty.”

Kaidan looked over his shoulder then, his eyes passing Shepard to glare at the Navigator, “Twenty meters?!” Liara shouted that they had to try. Kaidan’s eyes moved to her then he turned back in his seat with a shake of his head. Tali’s trill rang out that the descent angle was too steep, confirming Kaidan’s concern that it was a suicide run. He didn’t have an opportunity to argue. 

“I can do it,” Joker announced, his voice firm in his ability. Kaidan turned to look at the pilot as Shepard spoke his name in question. Joker looked up to Shepard, and he repeated, “I can do it.”

A heavy silence fell on the cockpit as they waited for Shepard’s decision. Kaidan was watching her, and she offered Joker a small nod, “Alright,” Shepard’s eyes lifted and met Kaidan’s, “Gear up and head down to the Mako. Make sure Vakarian is ready,” She ordered and he nodded standing and brushing passed Liara heading to the stairs. “Joker, drop us right on top of that bastard!” He heard Shepard order just as he reached the CIC and picked up the pace to reach the stairs. 

He met Garrus on the Crew Deck and they took the elevator together down to the cargo bay to gear up and wait at the Mako. “He’s here, isn’t he?” Garrus asked, pulling Kaidan from his thoughts. Kaidan nodded. “Let’s get this done and go home,” Garrus offered, extending a hand to Kaidan. Kaidan accepted the shake just as the doors opened and they went to their lockers to suit up. 

Kaidan was just securing the last buckles on his chest plate when the elevator doors opened behind him. He looked over his shoulder and met Shepard’s eyes across the bay. He felt his insides lurch with worry. She turned her back to him when Wrex called her name, and Kaidan turned his attention back to his armor. He had no regrets about anything that had happened over the last twelve hours. Though, now, he had to force himself to remember her as Commander Shepard. He had to prove to her, to himself, that he could. He clenched his jaw, swallowing hard, before moving to stand with Garrus at the Mako. 

Kaidan was checking his pistol as Garrus climbed in to run his checks on the Mako’s weapons when he felt Shepard’s hands at his waist. His breath hitched in his throat as she methodically, professionally, checked the closures. There was no brush against the exposed skin below his implant; there was nothing inappropriate about the act at all. It could have been any marine behind him. She tapped his shoulder guard and moved in front of him without speaking. She lifted her arms slightly, and he copied her; checking the closures and avoiding contact with her sensitive skin. There was no indication that anything had changed between them, and that was the way it had to be. Kaidan’s hands paused on her shoulders and, for the briefest moment, she leaned back against him. Her back making minimum contact with his chest. 

The movement was over before it started, and truthfully, he might have imagined it. She reached up and pulled herself into the vehicle, settling behind the driving controls. He followed buckling into the seat next to her. Joker’s voice rang out over the Mako’s comm, “Alright Commander, we’re two minutes out from the DZ. It’s going to be tight, so, just … be ready,” He warned, his voice thick with the tension. 

“You’ve got this, Joker,” She reminded him as the alarm sounded in the bay and the doors opened to drop the Mako to Ilos’s surface. The Mako skidded to a stop just as the doors closed behind Saren. Shepard pounded her fists on the steering wheel with a frustrated yell. It seemed as if there was always something in the way. They climbed out of the vehicle and Kaidan went to the door with his omni-tool open, looking for any clue as to how to get in. 

“We have to get inside this bunker before Saren finds the Conduit!” Garrus nearly growled behind him.

“No shit, Vakarian,” Shepard snapped. “Alenko, you got anything for me?”

With a disappointed sigh, he turned away from the door closing his ‘tool, “There’s no way we’re getting past that door with brute force.”

Shepard’s hands were on her hips as she looked around, her eyes intense. Kaidan exchanged an anxious look with Garrus while they waited, “Well, Saren found some way to open it. There must be some kind of security override somewhere in this complex.” At her words, Kaidan looked around the area: Prothean ruins, severely overgrown with local vegetation. She shrugged, “We’ll just have to find it.” She gave the signal to move further into the complex before pulling out her rifle. Garrus and Kaidan fell into step behind her. 

As they started moving out, the geth appeared. They had been left behind by Saren to keep Shepard from following. Using the decrepit walls around them as cover, they managed to take out the geth approaching them quickly before moving further into the area. As they approached the center of the complex, they came across a geth Armature, the same machine they had first fought on Therum. Without a second thought, Kaidan lifted it and Shepard and Garrus unloaded on it. Once the machine fell to the ground in sparking pieces, Kaidan looked to Shepard. He had recognized the change in himself, in his actions in battle. He was more confident and used his biotics more freely. Like a muscle, the more he used them, the stronger they grew. He was a better soldier. He knew it was because she had pushed him, and he couldn’t be more grateful. She grinned at him, pride shining in her eyes before giving the signal to continue.

As the made their way into the complex, they were descending further into it. Eventually, they reached an active elevator that took them even lower. While in the elevator, Kaidan made the observation that since the place had power, it had to have its own generator. “I bet this is the command center for the entire complex. Saren’s troops must have sealed the doors from here after he went inside,” Garrus added as the elevator continued down further. 

“We’ll have to figure out how to disengage the security lockdown to get inside that bunker,” Shepard ordered as the doors opened on a level that evened out and they made their way across the room with weapons at the ready. “Goddamn these fuckin machines!” Shepard muttered as the rounds fired by the approaching geth bounced off their shields before the dropped behind cover. With the assistance of their biotics, they were able to clear the room. The tension increased as they walked further. Kaidan ran a quick scan over the area and found a spike in electrical energy and brought it to Shepard’s attention. 

The walked up the ramp, and found the security panels. Kaidan made his way to the panel and activated it. He worked through the program to get the door open for them. Garrus sounded frustrated when he spoke, “Come on! Saren’s already got a head start! We have to go find him before he reaches the Conduit!”

“Unless he’s already found it, then we’re just walking into a trap,” Shepard replied, her voice dripping with frustrated sarcasm. Garrus snorted, but said nothing else.

The console lit up in front of Kaidan as soon as he had canceled the security settings, “Hold on, something’s happening…” He alerted them and Shepard came and stood next to him as they stared at the holographic screen in front of them. The hologram started playing, but it was all static. He turned to Shepard and his comment stuck in his throat when he saw the concern on her features through her visor. Kaidan glanced over his shoulder at Garrus who shrugged. It stopped playing and Shepard turned to her crew, “It sounds like some kind of message, but I don’t recognize the language.” Kaidan couldn’t help but notice her gaze was clouded.

“It’s probably in Prothean. The recording must be 50,000 years old. No wonder we can’t understand it,” Garrus sighed, anxious to get moving. 

Confusion played on Shepard’s face as she spoke, “You can’t understand it?” She asked them, and they shook their heads in the negative as they exchanged glances. “The message is all broken up, but I recognize some of the words. It’s a warning against the Reaper invasion.”

The amazement was thick in Kaidan’s voice when he spoke, “The Cipher…” Shepard looked to him and shrugged. Apparently, the Cipher had transferred an understanding of the Prothean language into her mind as well as their history. “Can you make out anything useful?” Shepard’s eyes locked on his and she sighed softly and turned back to the console. 

“It said something about the Conduit, but it’s too degraded to help,” She said and moved passed Kaidan to take point, “We should go.” Garrus let out a relieved sigh and Shepard led them back the way they came. There were still a few pockets of geth lingering, but none of the big machines they had cleared out on their way down. They reached the Mako, and the closed doors which opened as they approached. 

“So, uh, who votes we take the Mako into the creepy underground bunker?” Kaidan asked as they peered down the path into the bunker. It looked almost moldy, with a stream of sewer water running along the floor of the complex. Shepard let out a snort and opened the Mako’s door. 

“Well, the firepower will come in handy,” Garrus added as he climbed in first followed by Shepard and Kaidan. Once they were belted in, Shepard started the vehicle down the tunnel. To call it creepy would be an understatement. The walls of the tunnel went up a few stories, and it was falling apart. Fifty thousand years did a lot of damage. 

After a few moments of heated silence, Kaidan shifted in his seat as he scanned the area looking for hostiles, “I thought Saren would have set some kind of trap or ambush for us,” He paused and glanced at Shepard whose lips were pressed tight and eyes narrowed. “They must have been in too much of a hurry.” She sped up.

“Or we just haven’t run into it yet,” Garrus’s ever logical voice rang out from behind them as he peered through the scope. 

“That’s a pleasant thought,” Kaidan muttered as they focused on the area around them. It looked like there were large circular tubes inserted in the walls, long forgotten. Kaidan felt the chill trace his spine as he asked, “What are all those things on the wall? Some kind of containers?” Shepard kept looking forward, but leaned over the controls to look at the walls. 

“They look like stasis pods. The Protheans probably tried to keep themselves alive through cryogenic freezing,” Garrus answered, and they could hear the scope moving around the area, checking for a target. Kaidan shuddered. They were essentially driving through a massive Prothean mausoleum, surrounded by thousand of tombs time forgot. Shepard glanced at him, and he got the impression she felt just as intrusive as she sped up again and Kaidan continued to run the radar looking for Saren, or geth, or some kind of power source that might be the Conduit. 

As they descended further into the tunnels, they came across a few geth troopers left behind by Saren to guard the path. Garrus turned the scope ahead and fired while Kaidan used the thrusters to avoid the larger rockets. After a few moments of battle, Kaidan’s scanner lit up alerting them to a power source ahead. There was a large, glowing force field ahead of them, and as they approached it, another wall shot up behind them. “What is that?!” Garrus asked after firing a few shots at it to no avail.

“I would say maybe this is the ambush but-” Kaidan started but was interrupted as Shepard opened the door to let them out. 

“I don’t think Saren is behind this,” Her voice was grave as they piled out. They drew their weapons and headed through the doorway in one of the walls. It led them to an elevator, and Kaidan felt the apprehension heavy in his chest as they stepped into the car and Shepard activated it. It started shaky, but evened out as it descended. “

Garrus looked between the humans, his mandibles twitched, “If this were an automated trap, where is Saren?” Shepard looked to Kaidan, he could tell she was as clueless as he was and that unnerved him. 

She shrugged, forcing an ironic smile, “I don’t know. I just hope whatever is down here is friendly. We’ve got enough enemies at the moment.” The elevator doors opened exposing a walkway with another console at the end of it. When they reached it, Shepard glanced nervously over her shoulder at her tech nerds before stepping forward and activating the system. She knew they would know more about the tech, but with this being Prothean tech there really was no way to know what would happen. After Eden Prime and Virmire, she would have to take any of these risks. 

A holograph appeared in front of them, but the image was distorted and unrecognizable. It glowed so brightly, it took their eyes a moment to adjust to the source. It started to speak, and much to Kaidan’s surprise, he could understand it, “You are not Prothean, but you are not machine, either. This eventuality was one of many that was anticipated. This is why we sent our warning through the beacons.

“Looks like some kind of VI program. It’s pretty badly damaged,” Garrus commented, and Kaidan opened his ‘tool to try to gather information and was stunned by the sophistication of the security. This was more than a VI. It would take him years, more than a few years, to hack into the program. Which was saying something as he nearly aced the tech tests as he came out of Basic. This was way more than humanity had achieved, or would achieve in the near future. 

“I do not sense the taint of indoctrination upon any of you. Unlike the other that passed recently… perhaps there is still hope,” The entity spoke again, it’s voice sounded engineered. 

“I don’t think this is a VI,” Shepard muttered, and Kaidan was struck with an odd sense of déjà vu. 

“Wait a minute, how come I can understand you? Why aren’t you speaking the Prothean language?” Kaidan asked, drawing the group’s, and the machine’s, attention. It was odd, the sensation of being watched, evaluated even, by the Intelligence. 

“I have been monitoring your communications since you arrived at this facility. I have translated my output into a format you will understand,” It explained, and Kaidan wished more than anything that he would be able to copy a piece of the code from this console. It continued, “My name is Vigil. You are safe here, for the moment, but that is likely to change. Soon, nowhere will be safe.”

“Are you some kind of Artificial Intelligence program?” Shepard asked, her tone amazed, and Kaidan knew she only had a minor grasp of the ingenuity of this kind of program with this kind of power. 

“I am an advanced non-organic analysis system with personality imprints from Ksad Ishan, chief overseer of the Ilos research facility,” Vigil explained itself, and Kaidan opened his ‘tool to try to copy information, and each time it was shut down. He tried not to be so amazed, but it was impossible. 

“Why did you stop us? Why bring us here?” Shepard asked, sounding anxious. Saren was still moving towards the Conduit. 

“You must break a cycle that has continued for millions of years, but to stop it, you must understand or you will make the same mistakes we did,” Vigil explained and Shepard sighed. Kaidan watched as her shoulders fell. It was barely noticeable, but he was quite tuned to her mannerisms. Vigil continued, “The Citadel is the heart of your civilization and the seat of government. As it was with us, and as it has been with every civilization that came before us, but the Citadel is a trap. The station is actually an enormous mass relay. One that links to dark space, the empty void beyond the galaxy’s horizon.” Vigil paused, as if to let that piece of information resonate for them. Kaidan felt the cold grip of fear form a knot in his core and he shifted from foot to foot as Shepard’s hands fisted at her sides. When no one questioned it, Vigil spoke again, “When the Citadel relay is activated, the Reapers will pour through, and all you know will be destroyed.”

“How is it no one ever noticed the Citadel was an inactive mass relay?” Shepard asked exasperated. Humans hadn’t been out here that long, but surely the Turians, Asari, or Salarians should have noticed something. Especially considering their superiority complexes. 

“The Reapers are careful to keep the greatest secrets of the Citadel hidden. That is why they created a species of seemingly benign organic caretakers,” At the mention of the caretakers, Kaidan remembered seeing the creatures on the station. They were large, and looked almost like spiders, and they stayed out of the way. Most never gave them a second though, Kaidan certainly hadn’t. “The Keepers maintain the station’s most basic functions. They enable any species that discovers the Citadel to use it without fully understanding the technology. Reliance on the Keepers ensures no other species will ever discover the Citadel’s true nature; not until the relay is activated and the Reapers invade.”

“Goddamn it, the Reapers will wipe out the Council and the entire Citadel fleet in a single surprise attack,” Shepard muttered, as if saying it would make it a smaller problem, but all it did was give voice to the worst case scenario. 

“That was our fate. Our leaders were dead before we even realized we were under attack. The Reapers seized control of the Citadel and, through it, the mass relays. Communication and transportation across our empire were crippled. Each star system was isolated, cut off from the others, easy prey for the Reaper fleets. Over the next decades, the Reapers systematically obliterated our people. World by world, system by system, they methodically wiped us out,” Shepard asked if anyone had survived the attacks. She asked as if there was something she could learn, to take away, to try to give this cycle a chance. “Through the Citadel, the Reapers had access to all our records, maps, census data… information is power, and they knew everything about us. Their fleets advanced across every settled region of the galaxy. Some worlds were utterly destroyed, others were conquered, their populations enslaved. These indoctrinated servants became sleeper agents under Reaper control. Taken in as refugees by other Protheans, they betrayed them to the machines. Within a few centuries, the Reapers had killed or enslaved every Prothean in the galaxy. They were relentless, brutal, and absolutely thorough.”

“You stopped me for a reason. Tell me what I need to do,” Shepard demanded, her voice resolute and Kaidan felt bolstered by it, like a second wind. He felt the emotion echoed by Garrus as his stance grew more firm, and his mandibles twitched. 

“The Conduit is the key. Before the Reapers attacked, we Protheans were on the cusp of unlocking the mysteries behind the mass relay technology. Ilos was a top research facility. Here, researchers worked to create a small-scale version of a mass relay. One that linked directly to the Citadel: the hub of the relay network,” Vigil paused, again as if to allow the trio to process the information. Like their inferior minds needed the time to catch up.

“The Conduit’s not a weapon… it’s a back door onto the Citadel,” Kaidan spoke softly, and Shepard turned her head towards him, letting his words sink in without lifting her eyes to him. 

Shepard turned to Vigil after a moment and asked how it managed to stay hidden. It answered and almost sounded sad, “All official records of our project were destroyed in the initial attack on the Citadel. While the Prothean Empire came crashing down, Ilos was spared. We severed all communications with the outside and our facility went dark. The personnel retreated underground into these archives. To conserve resources, everyone was put into cryogenic stasis. I was programmed to monitor the facility and wake the staff when the danger had passed, but the genocide of an entire species is a long, slow process. Years passed; decades, centuries. The Reapers persisted, and my energy reserves were dwindling,” Garrus interrupted Vigil, insisting that it should have fought, and when Vigil continued, it sounded almost regretful, “We were a few hundred against a galactic invasion fleet. Our only hope was to remain undetected. I began to disable life support of non-essential personnel. First support staff, then security. One by one their pods were shut down to conserve energy. Eventually, only the stasis pods of the top scientists remained active. Even these were in danger of failing when the Reapers finally retreated back through the Citadel relay.”

“There were hundreds of pods out there! You just… shut them down? You killed them?” Shepard asked, and Kaidan was surprised by the anger in her words. 

“This outcome was not completely unforeseen. My actions were a result of a contingency programming entered on my creation. 

“I bet they didn’t tell the ‘non-essential’ staff about this contingency,” Kaidan muttered and while Shepard didn’t react, he could swear he heard Garrus snort – another odd sound from the Turian. 

“I saved key personnel,” Vigil sounded almost defensive, “When the Reapers retreated the top researchers were still alive. My actions are the only reason any hope remains. When the researchers woke, they realized the Prothean species was doomed. There were only a dozen individuals left; far too few to sustain a viable population. Yet, they vowed to find some way to stop the Reapers from returning. A way to break the cycle forever, and they knew the Keepers were the key,” Shepard asked what it meant by that, weren’t the Keepers under Reaper control? “The Keepers are controlled by the Citadel. Before each invasion, a signal is sent through the station compelling the Keepers to activate the Citadel relay. After decades of feverish study, the scientists discovered a way to alter this signal. Using the Conduit, they gained access to the Citadel and made the modifications. This time, when Sovereign sent the signal to the Citadel, the Keepers ignored it. The Reapers are trapped in dark space. Saren is planning on using the Conduit to access the Citadel and bypass the defenses to transfer control of the station to Sovereign. Once Sovereign manually opens the relay, the cycle of extinction will begin again.”

“Tell me you have a way for me to stop him,” Shepard pleaded, though it sounded like a threat. 

“There is a data file in my console. Take a copy when you go. When you reach the Citadel’s master control unit, upload it to the station. It will disrupt the Citadel’s security protocols and give you temporary control over the station. It might give you a chance against Sovereign,” Shepard signaled for Kaidan to copy the data, and if it weren’t for the circumstances he would have grinned. He moved forward and copied what he could. “The one you call Saren has not reached the Conduit. Not yet. There is still hope, if you hurry.” 

“Thank you,” Shepard said, and a look of doubt crossed her face. Was it appropriate to thank a computer? It didn’t matter. She gave the order to move out. The console shut down behind them, its mission complete. Kaidan and Garrus fell into step behind her. As they back, Shepard shot a message to Joker, ordering him to head to the Citadel. She also sent a message to Anderson, with what they had learned. Hoping they would be ready when they got there. They reached the Mako and climbed in, the barriers were gone. The Mako’s tires spun momentarily when Shepard hit the gas. It was a full on race now. They had to reach the Conduit when Saren did. If they couldn’t catch up, they would be too late. 

“It’s tragic. For all their achievements, the Protheans lost everything. Even their last plan failed,” Garrus commented as they made their way deeper into the tunnels. Shepard’s focus on her driving.

“Not entirely, they’ve given us a weapon. They’ve given us a chance,” Kaidan added, and Shepard looked at him with a smirk. “What?”

“That’s right, Mr. Bright-Side,” She spoke softly, and Kaidan felt the inappropriate grin split his face, “All we have to do is get there in time,” She added and broke their eye contact, turning her gaze back on the path before them. Kaidan heard Garrus chuckle softly behind him, and shook his head saying nothing. As they made their way down, the found larger pockets of geth. Taking them out quickly, with an almost practiced attack. 

“There it is,” Kaidan muttered, as the enormous, active mass relay came into view a hundred meters ahead of them. 

“It’s incredible,” Garrus added, amazement in his voice. 

“As much as I’d like to sit and admire the view, those geth aren’t going to make this easy,” Shepard added, bringing their attention to the massive amount of geth soldiers Saren had left behind to protect this end of the connection. “I’m going to power through them. Kaidan, try to keep us above their shots. Garrus, focus on anything large enough to stop us,” She ordered and they answered in the affirmative. She nodded, taking a deep breathe and slamming her foot down on the gas. The Mako fishtailed momentarily before surging forward. 

They crossed the distance quickly, and try as they might the Mako sustained more damage then they would have liked. The alarms were sounding when they reached the Conduit. Shepard’s hands were gripping the controls tight. Kaidan was holding the straps over his chest and Garrus was clutching the scope to brace himself as they felt the change in the gravity. Kaidan felt his stomach drop with the shift as they shot across the galaxy. Heading light-years away, towards the Citadel. 


	31. Chapter 31

After what felt like forever, the Mako tumbled out the other end of the Mass Relay into the Presidium of the Citadel. It rolled a few times before finally coming to a rest on its top. Their straps and buckles held them into their seats and in the sudden silence only their ragged, fearful, breathing could be heard. Kaidan swallowed a few times, not sure if it was bile or his heart he felt at the back of his throat as he looked around. Everyone seemed to be okay, it was a second later when Shepard asked. 

Garrus and Kaidan said they were fine, and Shepard was the first to unbuckle. She fell roughly to the ceiling turned floor of the vehicle, landing on her side. The door was stuck shut. Lying on her back, she kicked hard and heard the metal start to buckle. Its integrity already damaged and weakened by the crash. Another sound kick to the same spot, with the heels of both feet and the door opened enough for her to crawl through. She withdrew her pistol and slithered out on her back. Kaidan let himself fall next and followed her lead out of the Mako.

They turned back to the Mako and both pulled at the door to give Garrus the space needed to follow. Shepard opened her omni-tool and ran her own scan of the station. “Saren’s headed towards the Council Chamber,” She announced and Kaidan asked how she knew. “A scanner with Spectre authority,” She answered as she powered down her tool and brought up her rifle. She kept her eye on the scope as she signaled them to follow her towards the Tower.

Luckily, they weren’t far from the elevator that would take them to the Council Chamber. It seemed odd that there was so much damage to the station, but the elevator was still functioning. Kaidan took note of the steadiness of Shepard’s hand as she reached out and called the elevator. They crossed the threshold and waited as the car lifted them. There was no way to know if they were too late. Hopefully, they’d still be able to stop Saren. Shepard’s comm lit up and she lifted her ‘tool. Her face lit up as she read the message she received, “Joker met up with Hackett and the Fifth Fleet. I knew he could do it.” Kaidan was relieved to know there was back up nearby, should they need it. 

By the time the elevator doors opened for them, Saren had reached the control panel. He had already started closing the Citadel arms to seal the station. If the ships nearby couldn’t keep Sovereign out, there would be no stopping it from taking over the station and allowing the Reaper fleet access. From the comm chatter, it was clear the Council had underestimated Sovereign’s strength. They were losing ships far faster than expected. Shepard exchanged a glance with her crew clearly saying they should have listened without words. They all knew now was not the time for ‘I told you so.’ That time would come later. They left the elevator and started at a run towards Saren as the Citadel arms closed, locking in Sovereign. They were running out of time.

As they approached the Council area, Saren’s geth troopers attempted to hold them up. The desperation felt by Shepard and her ground team over powered anything the geth could do. They plowed through the geth, their focus tunneled on Saren. They reached the top of the Council Chamber just in time to watch Saren finish at the console and drop off the ledge on his hover board. They stood, and waited, pistols aimed at the last place they’d seen him; waiting for him to reappear. 

When he did, he threw a grenade at their feet that detonated on impact. Though they dove for cover, it was still enough to rattle them and deplete their shields. They remained in cover to allow them to recharge. “I was afraid you wouldn’t make it in time, Shepard,” Saren goaded her, Kaidan glanced over and watched as the anger hardened her features. 

“In time for what?” She snapped, glowing blue momentarily.

“The final confrontation,” He answered smugly, “I think we both expected it would end like this.” His voice was echoing off the walls making it difficult to tell exactly where he was. Kaidan looked to Garrus who raised from cover long enough to check. He hadn’t moved. He was still hovering between them, and the main console. “You’ve lost. You know that, don’t you? In a few minutes, Sovereign will have full control of all the Citadel’s systems. The relay will open. The Reapers will return.”

“Don’t count me out just yet, Saren. I’ve still got a few tricks up my sleeve,” She countered, egging him on. 

“You may have survived our encounter on Virmire, but I’ve changed since then. Improved. Sovereign has … upgraded me,” He announced and Kaidan felt his stomach roll. 

“What have you done? You’re insane!” Shepard responded, laughing humorlessly and shaking her head. 

“I suppose I should thank you, Shepard. After Virmire, I couldn’t stop thinking about what you said about Saren manipulating me, about indoctrination. The doubt began to eat away at me. Sovereign sensed my hesitation. I was implanted with their technology to strengthen my resolve. Now, my doubts are gone. I believe in Sovereign completely. I understand that the Reapers need organics. Join us, and Sovereign will find a place for you, too,” Saren offered, the condescension in his voice made Kaidan’s stomach churn. He looked to Garrus who moved quietly away from him, in an attempt to flank the rogue Spectre. 

“Sovereign is controlling you through your implants. How can you not see that?” Shepard shot back, she sounded almost disappointed. If the Reapers could get to Saren, it spoke volumes of their power. They had to stop him. 

“No, the relationship is symbiotic. Organic and machine intertwined, a union of flesh and steel. The strengths of both, the weaknesses of neither. I am a vision of the future, Shepard. The evolution of all organic life. This is our destiny. Join Sovereign and experience a true rebirth!” Saren responded, his voice rising in his conviction.

“I would rather die than live like that,” Shepard answered softly. 

“Then you will die, and your companions! Everyone you know and love. Everyone you’ve ever met. Don’t you understand? You will all die!” Saren was screaming, his anger and frustration boiling over. It almost seemed as if he was hoping to validate his decision by convincing her to join him. “The Reapers can’t be stopped; not by the Protheans, not by you. The cycle always continues.” 

“Sovereign hasn’t won yet! I can stop it from taking control of the station! Step aside and the invasion will never happen!” Shepard answered, leaning momentarily out of cover to look at the Turian. 

“We can’t stop it! Not forever! You saw the visions. You saw what happened to the Protheans. The Reapers are too powerful,” Saren didn’t sound so sure. He sounded almost defeated, resigned to his fate. 

“Some part of you must still realize this is wrong. You can fight this!” Shepard promised, hoping to awaken some of Saren’s sense of self. 

The area was silent for a long moment before Saren spoke, “Maybe you’re right. Maybe there is still a chance for… unh…” His sentence ended in a groan and Shepard looked to Kaidan who leaned out of cover and watched as Saren’s hands went to his head. “No… the implants… Sovereign is too strong. I’m sorry, Shepard. It’s too late for me,” His voice was quiet and broken as he held his head in his taloned hands. 

Shepard stood quickly and ran out towards him. Kaidan followed. “No! Saren, it’s not. You can still redeem yourself!”

“Goodbye, Shepard. Thank you,” Saren said simply as he put the business end of his pistol to his jaw and pulled the trigger. The back of his skull flew off followed by a stream of blue blood, like the tail of a comet. It happened before anyone could speak or react. The Turian fell from his hover board and crashed through the glass floor. His lifeless body landed in an unnatural twist. 

There was no time to respond, Shepard ran for the console with Kaidan at her heels and Garrus bringing up the rear. She stepped out of the way and let Kaidan forward to activate the console and upload the information from Vigil. After a moment, Kaidan announced, “It worked. I’ve got control of all systems.”

“Open the arms!” Shepard ordered and Kaidan was already processing the command before she finished speaking. 

“Maybe the fleet can take Sovereign down before he regains control of the station,” Garrus responded as his mandibles twitched. There were a lot of maybes. 

“See if you can open a communications channel,” Shepard ordered and Kaidan nodded as his hands flew over the console. 

As soon as the channel was open, a frantic, feminine voice rang out, “… the Destiny Ascension. Main drives offline. Kinetic barriers down 40%. The Council is on board, I repeat, the Council is on board!”

“Normandy to the Citadel,” Joker’s voice was next on the comm. “Normandy to the Citadel. Please, tell me that’s you, Commander.”

“I’m here, Joker,” Shepard said leaning over the console, her shoulder bumping against Kaidan’s as she reached to activate the microphone to respond. 

“We caught that distress call, Commander,” Joker offered with a relieved sigh, “I’m sitting here in the Andura sector with the entire Arcturus fleet. We can save the Ascension. Just unlock the relays around the Citadel and we’ll send the cavalry in!”

“Human casualties will be very high if you send your fleet in now,” Garrus reminded her, his voice soft, giving information only; not trying to sway her. She dropped her head with the weight of the decision on her shoulders. 

“Shepard,” Kaidan started and she turned her head to look at him. Her indecisive blue eyes met his sure, brown ones and he continued, “This is bigger than humanity. Sovereign, the Reapers, are a threat to every organic species in the galaxy.”

“He’s right. That’s why you can’t waste reinforcements trying to save the Council. You must hold them back until the Citadel arms open up and the human fleet can go after Sovereign,” Garrus pushed, and Kaidan could tell, now he was trying to push her. 

“Commander! What’s the order?” Joker asked after the comm was silent for longer than he was comfortable with. Shepard’s eyes didn’t leave Kaidan’s. He didn’t know what she was looking for, but he needed her to know he would support whatever decision she made. 

She moved her hand to open her end of the comm, and keeping her gaze on Kaidan’s she responded, “Opening the relays now, Joker,” Kaidan pulled his eyes away to enter the command into the console to open the relays. His breathing light now that the decision had been made. He would have supported any decision she had made, but he truly felt this was the right one. “We need to save the Ascension – no matter what the cost!” 

Once the decision was made, Shepard and Kaidan turned to Garrus who shrugged, “I just hope the Council appreciates this.” They left the comm open so they could hear what happened outside of the Citadel. Hackett’s voice was next on the comm, repeating her order for the Alliance ships to move in and save the Ascension. 

They heard the voice that sent out the distress signal, “Commander – we’re picking up reinforcements! It’s the Alliance! Thank the Goddess!” Shepard’s lips pulled into a small smile and Kaidan felt the warmth of it spread in his gut, no doubt in his mind that they had made the right decision. 

The pride in Joker’s voice was unmistakable as he spoke next, “Destiny Ascension, you are all clear. Repeat: you are all clear.” Hackett gave the next order as the arms opened. The fleets turned their attention to Sovereign. Shepard moved away from the console then, and Kaidan watched her go over his shoulder. 

She went to the spot where Saren had fallen through the floor and looked down at his body. Garrus and Kaidan came up behind her a moment later. “Go, make sure he’s dead,” She ordered quietly. Kaidan and Garrus moved away and dropped down to the level below. Garrus pulled out his pistol and shot him twice more; once in the chest and once in the head. 

Seconds later the Tower shook beneath their feet. Red lightening shot around the room, like the power that surged around Sovereign. The dead Spectre’s body lifted. The organic parts fell away leaving just the Reaper implants. The power rushed out knocking both Garrus and Kaidan to their backs. The floor beneath Shepard’s feet collapsed and she turned her fall into a roll ending on all fours on the same level as the resurrected Spectre. 

It had no weapon just the electrical energy glowing bright crimson in its exposed, metallic ribcage. Shepard looked around and found Garrus and Kaidan on their feet moving to cover. It may not have had a gun, but it was fast as it nearly flew from wall to wall, shooting the electricity at them. They recognized Sovereign’s voice from Virmire when it spoke through Saren’s remains, “I am Sovereign! This station is MINE!”

It was hard to keep a lock on it, and one shot of electricity would wipe out their shields. Shepard cursed as they ducked behind cover again, waiting for them to recharge. Their biotics were ineffective. Kaidan looked to Garrus and gave the signal for a dual-tech attack. Hopefully, between their sabotage and overload abilities they would be able to stun it enough for Shepard to take it out with her rifle. 

At the count of three, they left cover and sent the attack. It worked, for a moment. Shepard was able to inflict some damage before it recovered and took off bouncing around the room. It was as if this thing was buying time to allow the Reaper to regain access to the station. They moved around the room, staying in cover and waiting a moment before repeating the same tactic to stun, then attack. 

The battle seemed to last forever. Shepard was low on ammo, and Kaidan’s omni-tool was burning at his wrist from overuse. He thought maybe Saren was slowing down, and it sounded kind of rough as it moved. He hoped he wasn’t imagining it. He gave the signal and Garrus and he moved simultaneously, standing and firing their attacks. Shepard stood while it was stunned and unloaded her last clip into it. Mercifully, it let out a strangled sound and the red light grew brighter as it froze. Slowly, it disintegrated. The miniscule pieces floating off into the air. The let themselves fall until they were seated next to each other with their backs against their cover.

They weren’t sure what was happening outside the Tower and Shepard opened her omni-tool to try to communicate with the Normandy. Joker’s voice rang out, “Its shields are down! Now’s our chance!”

“Hit it with everything we’ve got!” Hackett’s rough baritone followed and Kaidan’s breath stuck in his throat as they waited. They could hear the battle raging outside the tower, and knew it would be over shortly, one way or another. Garrus and Kaidan stood and Kaidan held his hand out for Shepard. She looked up at him, the look in her eyes unreadable. She slid her hand in his and he pulled her to her feet. They started walking towards the windows. 

“Hard on my flank! We’re going in!” Joker sounded excited, finally getting the opportunity to put the Normandy through her paces. Seconds later the Tower rocked with the force of an enormous explosion. 

“Go!” Shepard screamed the order, panic lacing her words. It was the fear in her voice that scared Kaidan into running. Garrus was in front of him and Shepard was bringing up the rear. He looked over his shoulder and saw a large piece of what was Sovereign heading right towards the window that they had been looking through. He called her name, and after that he wasn’t sure what happened. He and Garrus had managed to slide behind a section of falling floor which offered some protection. He opened his eyes, and found Garrus beside him. They were surrounded by broken pieces of the station.

“Where is…” He stuttered as he looked around. It was dark. They were in an air pocket and there was no way they’d be able to get out without help from the outside. His hands shook as he opened his omni-tool and ran his medic program, looking for a signal from Shepard’s hardsuit. “Where is Shepard…?” He asked, stunned at the despair in his own voice when the program came back with no signal. He powered it down as his breathing became more erratic. He opened the program and ran it again. Same answer: No signal.

He felt bile at the back of his throat as he ran the program half a dozen more times. Each time, no signal. He tried to tell himself that no signal didn’t mean she had died, just that her suit had been damaged. Yet, the kind of damage the suit would have to sustain to kill the system would be serious enough that even if she was alive, she probably wouldn’t be for long. 

He jumped when Garrus’s taloned hand touched his shoulder. Garrus just shook his head, more willing to accept the answer than he was. Kaidan said nothing. He powered down his omni-tool and closed his eyes. His head fell back against the wall behind them. “Are you injured?” Kaidan asked the Turian.

“Scrapes, I’m fine,” Garrus answered. “You?”

“I’m fine,” Kaidan lied. Well, it wasn’t really a lie. He was experiencing intense chest pain, but he knew that was not a physical injury. He closed his eyes. His ‘tool was broadcasting their location to the Alliance ships in the area. They would have to wait for the rescue team.

The silence that fell on them was deafening. Kaidan kept his eyes closed. He could feel the hot sting of tears behind his eyes and refused to let them fall. He let his mind drift to the night before. He hadn’t let himself think about it since he’d left her quarters this morning. He had been convinced they’d have more time. 

A sated silence had fallen on her room as the glow of their biotics dimmed. Their breathing was erratic. Their skin sweat slickened and hot. His arms were around her, their bodies pressed close together. He opened his eyes and found her watching him. A satisfied smile pulling at her full lips. He knew it was cliché, but he didn’t care. He had never felt like this before – so contented, so whole. He lowered his head, resting his ear over her heartbeat. He could hear it loud and strong as it slowed to normal. Her hands cradled his head against her chest, her fingers running through his damp hair, nails scratching lightly at his scalp. 

Once he’d had his fill of the lovely rhythm she produced, he lifted his head and met her eyes. He wanted to say something, but there were no words. As if she knew, she moved her hands to cup his face and brought hers to meet his in a lazy kiss. He sighed into it. It was a slow kiss, a long kiss. It was perfect. He knew if he could spend the rest of his life in this moment, it would be enough. The kiss ended and without releasing her completely, he shifted off her and came to rest on his side next to her, his arm still draped over her midsection. His hand traced a lazy pattern on her toned abdomen. She sighed deeply and rolled her back to him. He wrapped that arm around her tighter, and pulled her to him. Her back pressed snugly against his chest. Their legs tangled. With her head pillowed on his arm, he felt sleep pulling at his eyes. She linked her hand with his on her waist, and he felt her body relax as she sighed. It didn’t take long for her breathing to deepen. Her jaw went slack and opened slightly. He pulled her closer and pressed a kiss to her bare shoulder. Moments after she did, he fell into the most peaceful slumber he’d ever had. 

He’d woken before she did. They hadn’t moved much as they’d slept, both too content and comfortable to need to. He looked down at her. She was truly the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. The soft lines of her face held a perfect femininity. He knew her eyes and the way they would sparkle. He knew if you looked hard enough, if she let you, her eyes would tell you exactly what she was thinking. He knew the way her cheeks would pink when he complimented her. He knew the way the corner of her mouth would twitch when she tried to hide a smile. He knew her smile, the way it would light up a room let alone her face. The way it would make his heart race and his hands sweat. 

He knew he was in trouble. 

With a deep sigh, he released her. He gently moved her off his arm and out of his embrace, without waking her. He moved slowly so he wouldn’t disturb her. He swung his legs over the side of her bed and stood, moving as silently as he could. He gathered his clothes, and dressed. Once he was appropriate enough to leave her quarters and sneak to his pod he turned to look at her. She had wrapped her arms around her pillow and had pulled it against her naked chest. He couldn’t help it. He walked over to the bed and pulled the blanket up around her shoulders. He didn’t want to leave, but he looked at his ‘tool and saw that day cycle would be starting in a few short hours and when it did it would have to be like this had never happened. 

She had to be his Commander, not his lover. He had to put the memory of the way she felt, the way she sounded, the way she looked beneath him out of his mind until this was settled. He leaned over and kissed her temple. In her sleep, she leaned her head into his kiss and he was tempted to crawl back into bed with her and never leave.

He was nothing if not controlled. He stood, and left her quarters without looking back.

If he had known that by the following day she would be gone, he would have stayed. Now, he sat with Garrus waiting for the rescue squad. Waiting for the information from his medic program to be confirmed. Fighting against the heated knot in his throat. If he opened his mouth, he wasn’t sure if he would cry or vomit. 

Shepard was gone.


	32. Chapter 32

Kaidan woke hours later, lying on his cot in the makeshift hospital they had set up near the Tower, where damage was heaviest. It wasn’t really a hospital, just a large area with cots for the injured civilians and lower ranking soldiers. Officers were lucky, they had deep green, rough, woolen curtains for privacy. 

He still wasn’t sure how long he and Garrus had waited for the rescue team. While waiting, Kaidan would randomly check for Shepard’s suit monitor, hoping for different results that never came. The migraine had come on suddenly as they waited. The pain that had shot through his head was the most intense pain he had felt since Noveria. It was C-Sec who found them. Anderson followed asking about Shepard immediately. Kaidan avoided looking at the Captain, which was easy to do since he could barely stand, let alone open his eyes. He heard Garrus tell him they had been separated from her and had not been able to locate her. Anderson extended the search radius, and C-Sec escorted Kaidan and Garrus to the medics. Kaidan had a few fractured ribs and a mild concussion, which had triggered the migraine. 

Chakwas had come in to check on him. She’d given him the same drug cocktail she had used on the Normandy and he had slept for a long time. Thankfully, when he woke the headache was manageable again, though the emptiness in his core still burned. He sat up, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed when the Alliance doctor came in and told him he would be released the next morning. The doctor gave him his instructions for his injuries and the folder with his orders. He was on leave until the end of the month, then he would have to report to Arcturus for his next assignment. He sighed and pulled on his boots. There was a bit of a commotion on the opposite side of his curtain and Garrus entered.

“They found her,” Garrus announced, and Kaidan looked up at the Turian, afraid to hope. “She’s alive, but she’s injured,” He said and Kaidan stood to push passed him but Garrus held his arms securely. 

“Anderson’s with her now. She’s not even conscious.”

“But she’s alive?” Kaidan asked, his eyes searching Garrus’s for the answer. Garrus’s mandibles twitched and he nodded. Kaidan let out a strangled breath and let himself lean back on the cot behind him. He dropped his head as the emotion filled him, his head swam with it. It was too much, and he could feel the tension start to pulse at the back of his head.

“Alenko, you okay?” Garrus asked, concern in his voice as he reached out and placed his hand on his arm. Kaidan tried to nod, but just laid back on the cot and closed his eyes tight against the light. “Your head?” He asked and Kaidan nodded again. Garrus left to get the Doctor. Chakwas would be with Shepard, so the Alliance doctor who had just given him his papers came back in with the syringe filled with her concoction. Thankfully, he was asleep within moments. It was a deep, dreamless, drug-induced sleep. 

Kaidan woke the next morning when an Asari nurse had come in to check his vitals. She smiled sweetly at him, and told him he could go as soon as he ate breakfast. He asked for it to be brought as soon as possible. She nodded and left the area. He scrubbed his hands over his face as he pulled on his boots. He may have slept but he still felt thoroughly exhausted. He needed a shave, and a shower. He ran his hands through his hair as the Asari returned with his tray of food. He was scheduled to leave the station that afternoon to head to Vancouver. 

He really wanted to see Shepard before he left. He cleared his tray, and when the nurse returned he thanked her and she held the curtain open for him so he could go. He wandered around the hospital area, hoping to catch a glimpse of her. He was surprised by the number of patients he passed, not all lucky enough for the privacy of the curtains. There had been more damage than he had realized.   
He rounded a corner and saw her. Her curtain was open just enough for him to see her lying with her back to him, her body curled around her pillow. He felt the smile pull at his lips as he moved closer to her. “Excuse me, Sir?” A soft voice spoke up next to him. He turned, startled, and looked down into the bright green eyes of a petite, friendly looking, blonde nurse. 

“Ma’am?” He asked, and noticed her blush.

“This area is for Officers and visitation is restricted to Commanding Officers and family,” She informed him, and Kaidan felt like the rug had been pulled out from beneath his feet. He nodded, and looked back to Shepard.

“She has no family,” He muttered and she asked him to repeat himself and he shook his head, “Nothing. She’s my … CO and I just wanted to make sure she was going to be okay before I left the station.” It was another one of those moments where the contrast in their situations was so blunt. If their roles had been reversed, his parents would have been on their way here already. There was no one to call for Shepard. 

“You served together?” She asked, and Kaidan looked down to her before nodding. “Well, if you ask me that makes you family.” He thought maybe he saw a flash of understanding in her eyes. She placed her hand gently on his back and ushered him closer to her cot. “I’ll be just over there, if either of you need anything,” She promised gesturing with her thumb over her shoulder. He smiled and thanked her before stepping into Shepard’s “room.” He turned and watched as she closed the curtain behind him.

He moved around the cot so he could see her face. She was sleeping, her eyes closed, mouth slightly open. His eyes moved over her. She had a deep purple bruise extending down the side of her face from her temple to her jaw. Parts of the bruised skin had been torn, and her skin glistened with the medi-gel. Her arm was in a sling and secured to her torso to stop it from moving and her knee was enclosed in a brace. He looked at the monitors next to her bed. Her heart beat was normal and strong, pounding out his favorite song. 

He felt the relief wash over him like a tidal wave, he scrubbed his hands over his face again and pulled a chair up to the cot. He sat kicking his feet out in front of him and crossing them at the ankle. He folded his hands on his stomach and laid his head back telling himself he was just resting his eyes.

When he opened them, it was much later. Shepard hadn’t moved, but her eyes were open and she smiled at him. When he noticed the glassiness of her gaze and they way her eyes were drooping, he realized she must be on some serious painkillers. “You do snore,” She teased and he laughed softly shaking his head and stretching as he sat up. “Are you okay?” She asked him, and he was touched by the honest concern in her tone. Even as she lay there in bandages, and hooked up to machines, she worried. 

“I’m fine. Garrus, too. Minor scrapes,” He answered, and gestured to her bandages in question. She started to roll to her back to sit up, and hissed a curse at the pain. Kaidan was on his feet instantly, his hands around her ribs supporting her weight. Her uninjured hand was on his bicep as he lifted her so she could sit up. They were close and when her breath brushed across his neck, he felt the gooseflesh rise in its wake. Once she was sitting, he adjusted the cot so she could sit with the support of the mattress at her back.

She shifted for a moment, getting comfortable, before she thanked him. He nodded, and sat in the chair again. Leaning forward, he rested his arms on her cot with her. “Dislocated shoulder, lots of bruises, and I reinjured my ACL,” She answered his question and he nodded. “Doc says I can leave the sling here when I go, but I’ll have to keep the knee brace for awhile,” She must have seen the concern he felt. “I’ll be alright,” She promised and, when their eyes met, the space between them was filled with the things that hadn’t been said. It was thick on the air and Kaidan swallowed.

“We thought… After the crash, I checked for you but your suit didn’t respond,” He was whispering, speaking around the knot in his throat as he thought about the hours that had passed when he had been sure she’d been killed. “We thought … the worst.”

She reached out and placed her hand on his forearm. He covered her hand with his, “My suit was damaged when I fell,” He asked then what had happened and she explained that the piece of Sovereign that had crashed through the window had taken out the section of floor she had been standing on and she went down, hard. She had been knocked unconscious, and when she woke she was in the hospital. 

“I’m sorry,” He whispered and she raised an eyebrow at him. “I should have made sure you were okay, or Pulled you away from the window…” He’d had the time to think about how he could have saved her while they waited to be found. 

She flexed the fingers beneath his hand and threaded them through his, “Bullshit, I gave you an order,” She reminded him, “You did the right thing.”

“Yeah, alright,” He accepted her words. She had absolved him, but he still felt guilty. He looked to their hands, and could feel her biotics humming beneath her skin. It thrilled him in a way that was not appropriate at the moment. He cleared his throat. “We have to stop meeting like this,” He said it in a teasing manner but her eyes narrowed at him.

“You’re right. It would be much nicer to wake up with you someplace that’s not a hospital,” She replied quietly, and he felt his cheeks flush.

“I, Shepard,” He had started to explain why he’d left her bed before she’d woken, but she snorted, rolling her eyes and squeezing his hand.

“I know, Kaidan,” She said, and he felt himself relax. “I just like making you blush.” He laughed softly, as he watched her eyes. There was a brightness in them he had never seen before. It made his heart thump against his ribs. They sat in a comfortable silence for a while. “So, you’re going to Vancouver for leave?” She asked him quietly.

“Uh, yeah,” He answered, looking to her eyes again, “After Virmire, I had gotten another message from Mom asking for a visit. I promised her I would.”

“That will be nice,” She commented, and failed to hide the disappointment from him. She sighed, “It looks like my leave is going to be full of bullshit meetings, anyway.” 

“What do they have you doing?” He had held on to hope that they’d still be able to work out a way to spend some time together.

“I’m going off station later today, probably to Arcturus. My time is booked solid all week. Between Alliance Brass, the Council, the press… if I had known saving the galaxy would force me into my own personal hell, I might have let the Reapers come,” She explained and he truly felt sympathetic for her. His thumb slowly stroked her fingers, and she started to ramble, “You just make sure you take care of yourself when you go home. Spend time with your family, eat well, exercise, rest…” He pulled his hand from hers and her eyes followed him as he stood, bracing himself on the edge of the far side of the cot as he leaned over and kissed her. Her words died in the gasp at the back of her throat. She lifted her hand and cupped his face as their lips danced. Her mouth opened for him instantly, and he let himself deepen the kiss, his hand tangling in her hair.

He ended the kiss reluctantly, pressing his forehead to hers for a silent moment before releasing her and abandoning his chair to sit next to her. His hand still on the far side of the cot and he leaned over her, supporting himself with his hand on the cot and just barely pressing against her hip. Her hand went to her lips, like she was trying to hold on to the feel of his against hers as a smile pulled at them. “I told Mom I’d come to Vancouver for a week. My second week, I’ll be on Arcturus, with you.”

He adored the blush on her cheeks when she spoke, “Good thing I have accommodations off base.” 

He grinned and leaned closer to her, his lips brushed against hers as he spoke, “A very good thing,” He kissed her again, her uninjured arm wound itself around his neck, holding him close until she was ready to release him. It was a longer kiss this time and Kaidan had to resist the urge to lie on the cot and pull her close. Especially when her fingers teased the skin beneath his implant. He shivered and pulled away from her, but only slightly. “I should go,” He whispered against her lips and he could feel her grinning when he kissed her again. After a moment, he pulled away and she let him stand. “We’ll talk soon, okay?” 

She nodded and yawned, her eyes drooping. He leaned down and kissed her forehead before turning to leave. She rested her head back against the pillow and watched him leave with a sleepy smile on her lips. Kaidan felt himself grinning as he left the area. The nurse who had helped him earlier spotted him leaving and winked at him. He chuckled, feeling lighter than he had in months. 

They’d defeated Saren, Sovereign, their geth, and stopped the Reaper invasion. They had survived, a little worse for the wear, but alive nonetheless. He was actually looking forward to seeing his parents. It had been too long since his last trip home. As his mind drifted to the second week of leave, he looked up just in time to spot Anderson heading his way. He moved to the side to allow him to pass, and saluted. Anderson looked at him, brow creased as he passed and went to Shepard’s area. It was a good thing he had left when he did. He wondered momentarily if Shepard would tell David about them. He didn’t think she would, but the specifics of her relationship with Anderson were something Kaidan hadn’t been able to decipher just yet. When he considered their drinks at Flux, and the way the Captain had looked at him, he wondered if maybe she already had. With that thought festering, he went down to the docks to get his items from the Normandy and catch his shuttle to Earth.

It had been creepy to be on the Normandy without the crew, just Alliance techs and engineers running their checks. He emptied his locker and by the time he got to the dock for his shuttle, he’d only had to wait about half an hour. He’d had just enough time to send off a few messages. One to Joker, letting him know he hoped to see him back on the Normandy after leave. He sent a message to Garrus thanking him for everything the Turian had done for him over the course of the mission, and not just professionally. He felt sincerely disappointed to learn that Liara, Tali, and Wrex were already off station. He’d hoped to say goodbye, instead, he sent them a message, again, thanking them for all their help. 

He’d received a response from Tali almost immediately, and had to laugh when she threw in a dig about his choice omni-tool before signing the message. His last message was sent just as his shuttle arrived for his flight to Earth. He let his Mom know he was on his way, and gave her his arrival time: 10:00am Pacific Time. He knew it would take her too long to calculate Galactic Time and figure it out. He considered picking up one of the clocks he’d seen, that had both times displayed, for her. It might help stop the midnight vid calls he so frequently ignored.

He smiled as he stood to head onto the shuttle. He had the tendency to avoid trips home because his Mom, God bless her, insisted on parading him around town and dropping hints to anyone – waitresses, store clerks, and the like – that he was unmarried; like he was a prize stallion in the market for a mare. It was embarrassing. Especially embarrassing after a few glasses of wine. That’s when she would start talking about her desire for grandchildren and how she wasn’t getting any younger.

Truth was, his parents are on the older side. Kaidan had been born to his parents later in their lives. His father retired from the Alliance at fifty-five, when Kaidan was just five years old. He appreciated that his Mom never called him a mistake. She called him a surprise. She said mistakes were things you regretted and surprises were things you didn’t know you wanted until you had them. Kaidan found when he was older that they had tried for many years, but had never been able to get pregnant. It was hard on their relationship. The stress of failure on top of his father’s absence when he was on assignment. Eventually, they gave up and accepted the fact that they weren’t meant to be parents. 

So, it had been quite the shock to his father when his forty-two year old wife called him and informed him that she was pregnant. Kaidan remembered a bit from those early years. They moved around a lot and it was tough on his Mom, raising Kaidan virtually alone. His father saw this, and retired once he reached the appropriate age. It had been the three of them since then. He was grateful for his parents, and the support they had given him all his life; especially with the biotics. Though, admittedly, they didn’t know the whole story behind BAaT. 

He sighed, leaning back in his seat and settling in for the long flight. He had to admit, he was excited to see them. He just hoped his Mom would honor the request in his message and allow this to be just the three of them. No surprise guests, no trips around town, and no set-ups. He didn’t need to be set-up; not anymore. He knew, however, that his Mom would not believe him; not unless she met her, and Kaidan didn’t see that happening in the near future. He felt gravity shift and that familiar rush of vertigo as they pulled away from the station. He opened his ‘tool and started working on an algorithm that he hoped to apply to the code from Vigil, to try to decipher some of the information he had managed to copy with the security codes. It would take… there was really no way to know how long it would take, which made it the perfect way to pass the time on the flight.


	33. Chapter 33

The cab pulled up in front of his parent’s home and Kaidan felt the pleasant sensation of warm nostalgia as he looked over the large house, and English Bay beyond it. It was a two story home, with white paneling, and black shutters framing each window. There was a large wrap around porch on the first level and, though Kaidan couldn’t see it from the front, there was a balcony at the back second level. Kaidan paid the cab driver and exited the sky car. He pulled one of his bags over his shoulder and held the other in his hand. He could see his breath when he turned towards the house again as the cab pulled away. Instantly, his nose and cheeks were chilled. It had been a long time since he’d spent any time in a place without controlled weather. 

The chill in the air was refreshing, and cleared his head in a way nothing else could. His father’s vehicle was in the drive. He crunched through the snow to the front door and opened it. It squeaked just like he remembered. The heat of the house washed over him as he crossed the threshold. There is a distinct smell that one will always associate with the place they grew up, and he took a deep breath letting it fill him before loudly dropping his bag next to the door. “Mom? Dad?” He called out, looking into the house as he closed the door behind him. He was in the mud room, and looked through another doorway towards the kitchen. 

The door to the kitchen swung open, and his mom rushed towards him. She was a short, stout woman, round in the middle with smile lines crinkling the corners of her eyes and around her thin lips like parenthesis. Her hair was cropped close to her head, and she insisted on dying it dark brown to hide the grey. He grinned at her and she threw her arms around him. He winced at the pressure on his injured ribs, but wouldn’t let on to his mom. He just wrapped his arms around her, and inhaled deeply. She smelled like homemade bread, cookies, and peppermint. He could feel her tremble as she cried. He wrapped her tighter in his embrace, and buried his face in the crook of her neck. When his father came down the stairs, he looked up and met his dad’s eyes. His mom pulled away and cupped his face, “Let me look at you.” He met her grey eyes as she ran her hands over his face. “You look exhausted, and you’re too thin,” She scolded him and he laughed. She always thought he looked too thin, and would never believe that it was the biotics. “You need a shave, and a haircut.” She added and he chuckled kissing her cheek. 

“I missed you, too, Mom,” He answered and she stepped away so his father could greet him. His father hugged him, slapping him lightly on the back. His dad, however, did not miss the wince as his mom had, and raised an eyebrow at him. His father was just slightly shorter than Kaidan but stockier. Kaidan knew he looked a lot like his father, though, his father’s eyes were a darker brown and his hair had long since turned white. “How are you, Dad?” He asked him.

“Hungry, your Mom wouldn’t feed me until you got here,” He answered and Kaidan laughed as he shrugged out of his coat and toed off his boots leaving them near his bags at the door. He’d take them up to his room after breakfast. His mother tsked, rolling her eyes as she led her boys into the kitchen. She was still wiping at damp eyes as she filled their plates. Kaidan’s stomach rumbled. He hadn’t realized how hungry he’d been. He listened to his parents as they teased each other back and forth over their meal. It was comforting to come home and be able to fall right back into the routine like he had never left. 

After breakfast, he helped his mom clear the table and took pleasure in the simplicity. Afterwards, he took his bags up and dropped them on the bed in his room. His room hadn’t been changed since he’d last lived here. The desk was covered with schematics he’d found on the extranet and broken omni-tools he’d been attempting to rebuild. His bookshelf was against the wall and he browsed the titles. He only had a few paper and ink books, Dickens mostly. The rest were datapads filled with sci-fi stories; the same stories that had encouraged him to join the Alliance. The walls were a dark blue, and the bed had the same grey comforter he’d used as a teen. He sighed deeply and ran his hands through his hair. It was like this room had been forgotten by time. Frozen and waiting for the teenage Kaidan to return from BAaT. He never did. This may have been his childhood home, but he had changed so much since he last lived here he didn’t think it could ever be home again.

He would have to talk to his parents about packing this stuff up and maybe turning it into a true guest room. With a sigh, he opened his bags and pulled out a change of clothes before stepping into the bathroom for that shower and shave he’d been neglecting. It wasn’t until much later, when Kaidan was sitting with his father in his study, that his mother informed him she had invited her friend Margaret, Margaret’s husband, and daughter for dinner that night. Kaidan groaned and his father laughed from his belly.

Kaidan had retreated to the balcony. The view of English Bay at night was always one of his favorites, and he needed the crisp January air to try to wash away the awkwardness of the dinner he’d just experienced. He wished, for once, his mother would honor his request. He’d really been looking forward to some quiet time home, alone, with his parents. The dinner had been full of questions about the Battle of the Citadel, that Kaidan couldn’t answer, and thinly veiled hints that Margaret’s daughter, Amanda, was single and ready to settle down, which Kaidan struggled to avoid. Amanda, for her part, seemed utterly embarrassed at the whole exercise and remained silent unless she was asked a question directly. 

By the time dessert was served, Kaidan had endured enough. “Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, Amanda, I appreciate your time this evening. It has been a pleasure to meet you. I am quite tired, jet lag, I guess. Please, excuse me,” He said as he tossed his napkin down on the table and pushed away. His mother spoke his name in the beginnings of a reprimand and Kaidan shot an admonishing glance at her before standing to leave the room.

His father interceded on his behalf, “Lisa, leave the boy be.” He stopped at his father’s liquor cabinet and poured himself a drink before heading out to the balcony, which is where his father found him a few minutes later. He came and stood next to Kaidan and Kaidan let out a deep sigh as his father rested a hand on his shoulder. “How bad is it out there?” Alexander Alenko asked his son, his gruff voice quiet on the night air. Kaidan looked at his father and lifted the tumbler to his lips, he knocked back the rest of his drink and set the glass on the railing. Alex knew enough to read the answer in the action, and nodded. “That good, huh?” Kaidan chuckled.

“Did the Johnsons leave?” He asked, turning his gaze back out to the stars. 

“They did. Give your mom a break, Kaidan, she’s just trying to help and she’s not sure how,” His father offered, and Kaidan nodded promising his father he would apologize for his disrespect. “Is there anything you can share? Anything you can offload to an old soldier?” Kaidan’s hands gripped the wooden railing tight and he looked down to his white knuckles. 

“Just, you remember how you taught me to watch the news?” He asked his dad, “How to read between the lines, how to hear what wasn’t being said?” Alex nodded as his dark brown eyes met his son’s. Alex was surprised to see the concern etched forever in the lines around his own eyes mirrored in Kaidan’s. “Watch the news like that for a while. I am afraid they will try to bury the things we’ve learned, and if they do, and we can’t stop it, it’s going to get bad, fast.” Yes, they had stopped Saren and Sovereign, but the Reapers were still out there and Kaidan had a feeling that maybe this wasn’t as over as they hoped. 

“Alright,” His dad agreed, clapping him on the shoulder again. “Just promise me, if you think we should go stay at the orchard for a while, you’ll give me that order.” Alex asked of his son, and Kaidan promised he would. Their home was near the city, while the orchard was further out. It was in a more secluded area and always seemed safer. The Alenko men stood and let the heaviness of the conversation sit on their shoulders for a few moments. “Let’s go out and get a drink,” Alex suggested and raised an eyebrow when his son looked at him, “and you can tell me all about the girl you can’t stop thinking about.” Kaidan laughed picking up the glass and bringing it into the house with him.

He stopped in the kitchen where his mother stood, washing up from dinner. He set the glass in the sink and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. He leaned in and kissed her cheek before resting his forehead on her temple and whispering an apology into her ear. She sighed and lifted a hand to rest it over his on her shoulder. He felt her lean her head into his and tapped his hand in forgiveness. He let her know his dad and he were going out for a few drinks and she nodded. Alex smiled at the pair before going to his wife and giving her a quick kiss. Kaidan couldn’t help but feel a little jealous of them, and the solid relationship they had built over the years. By the time his mom was his age, they’d been married for twelve years already. He hoped he’d have that for himself someday, but the lingering threat of the Reapers made him doubt it was a real possibility.

His father hailed a cab and they went to a bar near Alliance HQ, closer to downtown Vancouver. The cab ride was short, so they sat in a comfortable silence, neither wanting to start a conversation until they reached their destination. Once in the bar, his father found a table in the corner that would give them the privacy they both enjoyed and Kaidan went to get the first round. He joined his father at the table, and they clinked glasses before lifting the Canadian lager to their lips. Kaidan savored the familiar flavor and let out a deep sigh. “So,” his father started, “who is she?”

“What makes you think there’s a girl?” He asked his father, without making eye contact, his voice raising in false denial. His father spoke his name sternly and Kaidan looked to him with an eyebrow raised. He chuckled softly and took another drink before he spoke, “She’s special, but…” Kaidan trailed off not sure how to continue. How do you describe Sloan to someone? He had barely begun to decipher his own feelings and to have them called into question forced him to make decisions he didn’t think he was ready to make.

“But you have to salute her in the morning, don’t you?” Alex asked and Kaidan looked to him, his eyes open wide in shock and Alex laughed, loudly. Kaidan shook his head and lifted his beer, trying to drown the embarrassment. After a minute, his father asked, “Does she feel the same?”

“I don’t know. I hope so. It’s all so different with her. Civilian women, like Amanda for example, they don’t understand what it is to be in the Alliance, let alone a biotic. This girl,” He paused and felt a smile tug at the corner of his lips, “This woman, I don’t have to explain anything to her, or hold anything back when I’m with her,” Kaidan found himself opening up easier than he thought he would be able to and he was slowly realizing just how far over the line he had gone. He sighed and lifted the bottle to his lips. “Civilian women like Mom, I don’t think they grow them like that anymore.”

“You know your mom wasn’t really a civilian,” Alex started and Kaidan nodded. He knew his mother had grown up in a military home. “So, she was more understanding than most women. Your mom, over the years, has met a lot of soldiers and a lot of widows. She feels men with families are less likely to sacrifice themselves for their mission,” His father attempted to explain. Kaidan interrupted him saying he has family, he has his mom and dad but Alex shook his head, “It’s different and you know damn well it’s different. When it’s your wife, or your child, that you’re thinking about while you’re facing down the enemy…” He trailed off momentarily, his gaze moving over Kaidan’s shoulder and Kaidan wondered where he went for that instant. Then his father looked back to Kaidan and continued, “You’ll be more careful when you have that kind of motivation. She wants that for you,” Kaidan sighed at his father’s words and lifted his drink again, without speaking. Of course that’s what he wanted, too. After BAaT, he hadn’t thought he’d be able to find someone. Then he met Sloan, there was something about the way she understood him that gave him hope.

His father let the silence stretch for a minute before continuing, “Truthfully, Kaidan, my advice to you,” He paused and Kaidan looked up and locked eyes with the older, wiser Alenko and waited for him to finish, “When you find the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, just hold on and whatever happens, don’t let go.” Kaidan and his father held their eye contact as Kaidan took the words to heart. Growing up in the home that he did, he knew that if he were to take relationship advice from anyone, it would be his father.

They were interrupted by a waitress, “Excuse me,” She said simply, her voice soft and husky. Kaidan looked up at her. She was attractive but not right. Her eyes were too dark, her hair too light. She was too short and her frame too narrow. Her mouth was too thin and her make-up too heavy. His father returned the greeting. She turned her attention from Kaidan to Alex with a sigh that betrayed her annoyance at being ignored by Kaidan. She set two bottles on the table and nodded over her shoulder, “From the baseball cap at the bar.” Kaidan turned his attention to the bar and his heart thudded wildly in his chest and a smirk played on his face. 

The brunette was in a pair of light blue jeans and a grey hoodie with a plain black baseball cap. Her hair was pulled back and threaded through the hat. It fell in a familiar soft curl just passed her shoulder blades. Her profile was facing them as she leaned on the bar supporting herself with one forearm and the opposite elbow. She was holding the same beer in her hand that they had been drinking. She smirked and tipped her bottle towards them before taking a long pull. Kaidan heard his father thank the waitress and Kaidan looked back to his dad. The sparkle in his father’s eyes told Kaidan he had a feeling the woman at the bar had been the one they’d been discussing. “Well,” His father said chuckling. “Small world?” 

“Small galaxy is more like it,” Kaidan corrected before excusing himself and heading over to the bar.

He took his drink with him in one hand and their empty bottles in the other. She turned to face him as he made his way over. She kept her drink in her hand, but rested both elbows behind her on the bar. Her hips had shifted out towards him and he cleared his throat as his eyes roamed over her freely. She was covered head to toe and her hat was pulled down over her eyes. She was clearly trying to resist recognition but there was no way he would mistake her. He reached her, and stood close. She gave no ground and his leg brushed against hers as he leaned close to set the empty bottles on the bar behind her. He heard her as she took a deep breath through her nose. He leaned in and kissed her unblemished cheek, she turned her head into him and let her exhale dance on his neck. “Nice of you to come over, but I was actually hitting on the silver fox at your table,” Shepard teased as she shifted and her leg fell between his. He clenched his jaw and stepped back, he knew his father was watching them. He shifted and let his instep rest against hers. 

“Well, in that case, join us and I’ll introduce you,” Kaidan said with a chuckle as he looked over her face, drinking in her smile and the light in her eyes. She grinned and let her hand reach out and touch his arm as she took another drink from her bottle. “I thought you were going to Arcturus?” He lifted his hand and hers fell from his arm and he caught it. Their fingers tangled together. 

“Well, I knew they were sending me off station, I assumed it was to Arcturus. I didn’t know they were sending me here until I got to the dock to wait for my shuttle,” She explained and he nodded, holding back a grin. He asked about her injuries. “I feel fine. Shoulder is just a little stiff and the knee is a little weak. Nothing some rest and relaxation won’t heal,” She answered and Kaidan nodded, letting a warm silence fill the space between them for a moment, as their eyes locked. “I was going to message you in the morning. What brings you out tonight?” 

“Dad wanted to get me out of the house,” He started, then his voice dropped an octave and he continued, smirking, “and away from the set-up Mom had arranged,” Her face remained impassive, but her eyes had narrowed. She asked if she should be jealous as she let her biotics barely flare and spark against the sensitive skin of his wrist like the expelling of static electricity. His breath caught in his throat and escaped in a quiet huff. “No,” He answered simply before taking a full step away from her. A shared smirk on both of their faces. “Come join us,” He said, tugging on her hand.

“I don’t want to intrude on your time with your dad,” She shook her head, leaning over and smiling at his father. Kaidan watched as his dad lifted the bottle in thanks. Alex called out for them to join him and Kaidan grinned at Shepard with his eyebrows up. He nodded his head towards his dad’s table and linked his hand with hers. Shepard shrugged and followed behind Kaidan.

Alex stood when they reached the table, and held his hand out, “Alex Alenko,” He offered and Kaidan dropped her hand and pulled out her chair. 

“Sloan Shepard,” She said with a bright smile as she slid her hand in his for a firm shake. He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles. She laughed that breathy, rich laugh that made Kaidan’s heart pound. Kaidan rolled his eyes at his father as Shepard sat and he pushed her chair in. “Careful, Kaidan, your father is going to give you a run for your money as the most chivalrous Alenko.”

“I taught him everything he knows,” Alex responded smugly before Kaidan could and Shepard grinned looking over to Kaidan who didn’t argue. “It’s good to know some of it rubbed off on him.” She assured him it did. Alex’s eyes moved over her face, clearly looking at the bruise that was slowly turning green in the center but still dark purple at the edges as it healed. “I don’t know, Kaidan’s not limping and you are... he must have done something wrong. I hope you’re well?” Kaidan’s face fell as his father fished for information. He knew Shepard would never give away privileged details but that’s not what Alex was looking for. He wanted confirmation that this was the woman they had just been discussing. Though Kaidan had left her name out for a reason, he should have known his father would find out eventually; even without this chance meeting. Also, Kaidan didn’t want to think about the battle. He didn’t to think about those hours when he’d thought Shepard had been killed. He didn’t want to remember the anguish he’d felt. It seemed tonight was going to make him face all sorts of feelings he wasn’t sure he was ready to face. He felt Shepard’s hand land on his leg under the table, just above his knee and she smiled at him. He covered her hand with his and she turned her attention back to Alex. 

“Let me assure you, he didn’t come away unscathed, but I ordered him to safety. He had no choice but to obey,” She stated simply, confirming his father’s suspicion and Alex hid his grin behind his bottle. “Kaidan mentioned you served?” She asked him, diverting the conversation to safer topics. They discussed his father’s service history and training. Kaidan sat back and watched as Shepard spoke with his father. The conversation was easy for them, and she laughed more than he could remember her laughing since they’d met. Their hands were still linked under the table, a fact he was sure his father had noticed, though he wouldn’t say anything about it.

When conversation lulled for a moment, she cleared her throat and excused herself to the ladies room, promising to pick up another round on her way back. Kaidan watched her walk away. “You sure know how to pick ‘em, Kaidan,” his father grinned, clearly enjoying Kaidan’s predicament and Kaidan shook his head. “Well, I know her reputation and to be honest she’s not what I expected. She’s charming and funny,” His father gushed and Kaidan nodded looking at his nearly empty beer bottle. “And beautiful, despite the scars and bruises.”

“Not despite the scars, Dad. They, I don’t know, they add to her … appeal,” Kaidan said as she reappeared from the ladies room. She sent a quick smile their way before stopping at the bar and then limping over with the beer. Kaidan offered to help her and she shook her head at him. “Though she needs to learn how to accept help,” Kaidan made the statement to his father, who chuckled, as Shepard tsked at him and set the bottles down on the table.

“If I needed help, I would ask for it,” She stated as she sat down. Her chair had slid further away from him when she sat. He watched his father’s attention as it was caught by the hockey game on the vid display over the bar. He let his hand fall under the table this time, and executed a minor biotic pull to shift her chair closer to him and she swallowed a surprised squeak with her beer as Alex’s attention snapped back over to the pair. Alex said nothing, but smirked as he lifted the bottle to his lips. He found humor in way they were poorly hiding their flirtation for his sake. 

Kaidan’s hand was still under the table and he slid it onto her thigh. She pointedly left her hands on the table, giving him free reign over her jean covered leg. His heart thundered in his chest as he gently massaged the muscle beneath his hand. Alex asked about N-training, and Shepard filled him in on the basics and the well-publicized stories from her time at the academy. The stories of the successful training missions she’d led that brought her to the often coveted, rarely earned, N7 level were well known, but always sounded different coming from the person who had lived them, and Shepard was no exception. 

They finished their current round of drinks, and Kaidan cleared his throat as he squeezed her thigh lightly. He watched as Shepard took her bottom lip between her teeth and his jaw clenched. “This round’s on me,” Kaidan said, his voice husky as he stood and headed towards the bar. He could feel her warm gaze on his back as he went. 

Alex Alenko looked to the woman sitting next to him as she watched his only son walk towards the men’s room. He was not a foolish man, nor was he blind. It was clear there was something growing between his son and this beautiful woman sitting with him, and it was no wonder he had shown no interest in the lovely woman who had been introduced to him earlier this evening. As Alex watched Shepard watch Kaidan, he was hopeful that she felt the same. Alex cleared his throat lightly and Shepard turned her gaze to him, a gentle blush on her cheeks at being caught staring. “You have done some amazing things, Sloan Shepard.” He commented simply as she toyed with the empty bottle, her head was down so he couldn’t see her eyes. 

“It always seems to sound better than it was,” She insisted as she absently tugged with the label on her bottle. “Truthfully, if it wasn’t for your son, and the rest of my crew, I wouldn’t have been able to stop Saren,” She added simply, honestly. He took a drink himself and kept his eyes on her. After a moment, she met his eyes, and smiled. “You know, Kaidan really is an amazing soldier. He doesn’t give himself enough credit,” She paused, dropping her eyes and he noticed her unblemished cheek color. “Shit, he saved my life more than once.”

“You know,” He started and her eyes lifted to his again, “I never made it as high in the ranks as some others I served with. I’ve done bad things in my life, and I’ve done some good things. Both in the military and as a civilian. I’ve hurt people. I’ve helped people,” He felt the grin spread on his face as he watched Kaidan leave the men’s room and head to the bar. “That man,” He pointed at Kaidan and spoke firmly. Shepard’s eyes stayed locked on Kaidan’s back as Alex spoke. She watched, and a smirk pulled at her lips as the busty blonde behind the bar attempted to flirt, and he very politely ignored her advances. “That man, right there, is the best thing I’ve ever done,” Her eyes moved back to Alex. “I know I don’t know everything about him, there are still parts of his past that are locked away in classified files, and I have the feeling he’s afraid to talk about them. Out of everything I’ve done, I am the most proud of the fact that I’m his father.” Shepard smiled at him, and he felt like maybe she returned Kaidan’s affections. He hoped so. Shepard didn’t have a chance to respond, as Kaidan made his way back over to the table. So, instead, she reached out and took his hand. He squeezed it and smiled at her before turning his attention back to Kaidan who had returned.

“Should I give you two another moment alone?” Kaidan asked as he set the beer down and nodded at their connected hands. Alex lifted her hand and kissed it again with a smile. 

“No, she’s already turned me down. Besides, your mom might have a problem with me bringing home a beautiful woman. Though,” Mischief sparkled in his deep brown eyes before he continued, “I’m sure she would love for you to bring her home,” Alex said and chuckled as he brought his beer over to him. Shepard grinned as Kaidan flushed red. Alex lifted his beer and downed a quarter of it. Shepard leaned back in her chair, and very openly let her hand fall to Kaidan’s knee again and Kaidan stretched his arm out along the back of her chair. Whether it was the openness of the conversation, or the alcohol consumed that allowed them to be so exposed, it felt nice to be so connected with her in public.

Shepard asked about the orchard then, what kind of plants were grown there. Kaidan should have known this would be something she could talk about. Her family had been farmers on Mindoir. As his father and she spoke about the farm and the types of plants and how to care for them, he could feel the question brewing in his father’s tone. “How do you know so much about farming?”

“I grew up on Mindoir. My family, we were farmers,” She said, and Alex’s face fell at the news. Kaidan moved his hand from her chair to her shoulder and squeezed. She looked over her shoulder at him, and smiled. Alex offered his apology and Shepard brushed it away. “It was a long time ago,” She paused and a small smile pulled at her lips before she continued, “My mother used to live by the phrase ‘everything happens for a reason,’ and after the attack, I hated it. What could justify what happened to my colony, to my family? I watched as my brother was beaten, shackled, and dragged onto the Batarian ship. I watched as they shot my parents, point blank, because they tried to warn me. The boy I had been dating, the one I would have ended up marrying, was killed because he stood between them and me. They couldn’t get close enough to me, because my biotics kept flaring and at the time I had no control. So, they shot me. It was a gut shot and by the time the Alliance showed up I was near death. Afterwards, I would to cry myself to sleep asking, why? What was the reason? What reason could there possibly be for what happened?” She reached up and covered Kaidan’s hand on her shoulder with her own as she maintained eye contact with Alex. “It wasn’t until recently, that it all started to make sense. Maybe I’m reaching a bit here but, bear with me,” she paused and Alex was leaning on the table between them in rapt attention.

Kaidan himself was curious to see where she was going with this. She continued after a moment, “If I had stayed on Mindoir, if the colony had never been attacked, if my family hadn’t been killed or taken, if that boy hadn’t been shot for protecting me... I would be on Mindoir still, never having joined the Alliance, never having graduated from N-school. I would never have been assigned to the Normandy. I would never have been made a Spectre. We wouldn’t know… the things we know now,” Her voice dropped to a whisper and she squeezed Kaidan’s hand. “I never would have met your son,” He answered with a squeeze of his own, “I lived through something terrible, that no one should have to live through, but if it means that I can stop what is coming, if it means I can know,” She paused and Kaidan could feel her uncertainty in how to finish her sentence. “If it means I can get to know the kind of man that Kaidan is, the kind of man you raised, maybe that’s the reason.”

Kaidan watched as his father reached up and wiped his eyes and he was overcome with the urge to take her in his arms and hold her. Kaidan wanted nothing more than to capture her mouth and kiss away all the pain she’d been through, and make her feel as precious as she was. Alex smiled at Shepard and reached out and patted her hand. Alex Alenko was speechless, and that wasn’t something he was used to. He lifted his beer to his lips, and finished it. He stood and held his hand out to her, when she took his hand he pulled her up so she was standing. Kaidan watched as he wrapped her in a hug. His father said nothing, just held her for a moment, and Shepard returned the embrace. “Alright, now that you’ve gotten me drunk and made me cry, I think the night is over,” Alex said as he pulled away from Shepard. She chuckled softly and wiped the tears that had slipped from his eyes. She leaned forward and kissed his cheek.

“It is getting late,” She agreed, and turned back to Kaidan, “and I have meetings in the morning.” Kaidan stood and finished off his beer. 

“How are you getting ... where are you going?” Alex asked as he pulled on his coat. She answered that the Alliance had her set up in a hotel a couple blocks away. He asked again how she was getting there and she answered that she was walking. “Alone? Absolutely not.” Alex shook his head. “Kaidan will escort you.” Shepard grinned with a raised eyebrow as she looked to Kaidan. 

“Dad, you’re drunk. How are you getting home?” He asked, and Alex chided him and stated he would be taking a cab. “I can hear the lecture from Mom tomorrow for sending you home in this state.” Kaidan could tell Shepard was enjoying this display as they stood debating travel arrangements. 

“Bullshit. Imagine the lecture you’d get for letting Sloan walk to her hotel alone in the middle of the night,” He said simply and Shepard laughed Kaidan’s favorite laugh. 

“Dad, she’s Commander Shepard,” He reminded him. He was arguing, simply for the sake of arguing. He would have made sure Shepard got back safely. He had intended for them to share a cab, but Alex was making her sound like a delicate flower and she was anything but.

“I don’t give a flying fuck who she is,” Alex stated simply. “I did not raise a son who would let a woman walk alone at night. Right now, I don’t see a Commander. I see a beautiful, young woman with a limp. You walk her, and make sure she gets back to her hotel room safely.”

“Kaidan,” Shepard interjected, a light teasing tone in her voice. “I think you better listen to your father and make sure I get to my room safely.” 

“I guess you’re right,” Kaidan agreed as their eye contact intensified. He could feel his heart pounding madly against his chest at the promise he saw in her bright blue eyes. The trio moved outside and waited with Alex for his cab. When it arrived, Kaidan embraced his father.

“You’re welcome,” Alex whispered in Kaidan’s ear as they hugged and Kaidan chuckled. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” Alex stated and Kaidan nodded. Alex turned to Shepard and wrapped her in another hug. Her eyes drifted closed in his father’s embrace, and he smiled. Alex pulled away and pressed a kiss to her bruised cheek. “You are remarkable, and it was a pleasure to meet you.” She blushed and stood on her toes to kiss his cheek in return. She wished him good night, and he climbed into the cab.

Kaidan and Shepard looked at each other, almost shyly, before they turned to walk towards her hotel. She slid her hand into his, their fingers linking instantly, as they started their walk. When the snow started falling around them, Kaidan felt like he was home for the first time since he’d arrived in Vancouver.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was one of my favorite chapters to write. I hope you enjoyed it, and Alex, as much as I did.


	34. Chapter 34

Kaidan woke early the next morning, well before Shepard’s alarm was set to go off. The sun was just rising. She was pressed up against his side and tucked under his arm. Her head resting on his shoulder, her arm draped over his chest and her leg threaded between his. He looked down at her and couldn’t help the smile that spread over his face. His hand ran over the soft skin of her back, and she sighed in her sleep, pulling him closer. 

He could smell the snow in the air as they’d walked back to her hotel. Their pace set by both her knee and his reluctance to reach their destination. It had felt so natural, normal for him to walk hand in hand with her through his hometown. Part of him wished they could just walk together in silence all night. He looked down sideways at her, “I think my Dad might have fallen for you,” He spoke quietly, and she snorted delicately and turned her face into his arm. “Either that, or he wants to adopt you. I’m not entirely sure which.” She squeezed his hand and he looked down at her fully meeting her eyes.

“That would be awkward,” She teased, and he chuckled softly before turning her attention back out in front of them. Unfortunately, it was a short walk to her hotel, and he stopped at the base of the stairs. She hadn’t realized he’d stopped and she’d continued. When she stepped up on the first step, she felt the resistance from his immobility and turned to look at him, question in her eyes. He chewed the inside of his cheek as his blood raced through his veins. “This is my hotel,” She said and he interrupted her saying he knew. She smirked and leaned down, her breath slid across his cheek when she continued, “But I believe your dad told you to walk me to my room.” She reminded him and when she pulled back he saw the smirk in her eyes and she tugged his hand. 

He followed her up the stairs, and they walked hand in hand passed the concierge desk to the elevator bay. They remained silent, but even without words the air between them grew warm. His thumb traced a pattern on her palm. He looked down at her quickly and watched as her tongue darted out to moisten her lips. Once the elevator arrived, they stepped on and stood in the center of the car. They watched the floor indicator lights change. His could feel the heat in his blood as his heartbeat pounded in his ears. He glanced down at her. Her lip was between her teeth, her cheeks pink, and her eyes forward. 

The elevator sounded when it reached her floor, and she led him to her door. When they reached it, she dropped his hand and lifted her tool to unlock it. He stepped up behind her and slid his arms around her waist and held her, pressing his lips to her neck. He kissed along her pulse point and moved her ponytail over her shoulder as he left a trail along the back of her neck. She shivered as he passed her implant, and he grinned against her skin. She sighed as the door opened. She turned in his embrace and slid her hands up his arms to wrap around his neck. “Well, good night,” She teased in a whisper as she stood on her toes to place a gentle kiss on his cheek. He turned his head slightly and caught her kiss. It wasn’t gentle. When their lips touched, it was as if something snapped and he pushed her into the room kicking the door closed behind them and knocking her hat from her head. 

She laughed against his mouth, and he felt the heat pool low in his belly when she pushed him back against the door. She stood on her toes and pressed her body into his as their kiss deepened. His hands were everywhere, all at once, skimming over her body. She sighed into his kiss as she gripped his shirt pulling him and backing them to a counter. When they reached it, he lifted her and set her on the edge. Her head fell back as his tongue left a trail down her neck. His hands slid under her sweatshirt and teased the soft skin of her sides and the small of her back. “Wait, wait…” She moaned and instantly, Kaidan pulled his mouth from her skin, dropping his head in front of her, and moving his hands to the counter on either side of her. She laughed softly and he looked up at her. She crossed her arms in front of her and pulled her sweatshirt off over her head. His eyes fell to her chest before she took his hands in hers. He looked back to her eyes as she spoke, “I didn’t say stop, I said wait…” She put his hands back on her hips but he wasn’t sure why she’d stopped him to begin with. “Listen…” She said, her eyes locked on his.

“What am I listening…?”

“Shh…” She shushed him and covered his mouth with her hand. Her eyes were bright with excitement. He kissed her palm and she grinned moving her hand to join the other over his shoulders. “Do you hear that?” She asked, and he was quiet and listened, his hands still caressing her back. She pressed her body closer to his. 

“I don’t hear anything.”

“Exactly,” She said and kissed him again. “No echo of soldiers talking through the walls,” She said against his mouth as her hands slid between his shirt and coat. “No drive core humming beneath our feet,” She added as his coat fell to the floor and she pulled away as he removed his shirt. 

“No risk of Joker interrupting,” He added with a grin as he pulled her closer to him. She laughed against his kiss and when her hands slid down his back they came in contact with the wrap around his chest. 

She pulled away abruptly, “What’s this?” She asked, breathing hard, concern darkening her features. “I thought you said you only had scrapes.”

“It’s fine,” He said cupping the back of her head and bringing her lips back to his. Her laugh turned to a moan as his mouth moved to her neck and her back arched as he moved to her chest. With that sound, there was suddenly just them, nothing else mattered. When they were together the first time, it was about catching a few hours together before heading into a mission that might kill them. Now, there was no mission hanging over their heads. There was no threat of death, no risk of running out of time. He moved her from the counter to the bedroom of the suite and they spent the night lost in each other.   
Time passed too quickly. 

He felt her stir beside him, and he looked down and watched her wake up. Slowly, her eyes opened. They were clouded with sleep, but cleared when they met his. “Yep,” She whispered, turning her head and kissing his shoulder. “I was right,” She declared. 

“About what?” He asked as he watched her lift herself, the sheet falling to her waist and his eyes roamed over her exposed back. He could see the defined muscles shift beneath her skin as she reached and grabbed a rubber band off the bedside table and pulled her hair back into a loose bun. His brow creased when he noticed, surprisingly for the first time, a spot of mottled scar tissue that stretched across her back from one shoulder to the other. 

Before he could ask about it, she turned towards him, smiling, and leaned over him. His hands moved to her sides, her eyes sparkling as she leaned down and kissed him, his hands moved up her back. She spoke as she kissed along his jaw, “It is much better waking up with you here,” She said and he laughed softly as she kissed his neck. She left a trail along his neck and collar bone and he sighed. With no warning, he rolled them, pinning her beneath him and he kissed her thoroughly. Her hands slid up his arms and her nails dug into his back as her body arched beneath him. 

Her alarm sounded from the bedside table and he groaned, disappointed, into her mouth. He felt her reach out to silence the alarm, then her arms went back around his neck. He kissed along her jaw, “Kaidan,” She moaned, her intent had been to get him to stop so she could get ready, but the sound of it only encouraged him. “I have to meet Hackett in 90 minutes,” She added and he sighed as his kisses ceased and he dropped his head to the crook of her neck.

“That’s a surefire way to kill a mood,” He added. He placed a relatively chaste kiss against her collar bone and when he breathed in he caught that familiar scent. He pulled back and looked at her, “What do you smell like?” He asked and her face twisted in offense and she pushed against his chest. He laughed and wrapped his arms around her, burying his face in her neck once again. “No, it’s a good smell,” He promised as he inhaled deeply, and she sighed, “I noticed it since the first day on the Normandy,” He said as he moved slightly and buried his face in the hair that was pooled on the pillow next to her head, taking another deep breath. “It’s familiar, but I can’t place it,” He added and pulled away to look down at her.

“It’s my body wash, my lotion… plum blossoms,” She explained, grinning as his face lit up with recognition and he buried his face in her neck again. 

“Yes!” He said and her hands went to his hair, holding him close as her legs wrapped around his waist. “That’s it!” he said, and pulled back to look at her.

“I never knew you had such an affection for plums,” She said with a laugh as her hands trailed down his face. He turned his head and kissed her palm.

“It’s my family’s orchard… plum trees,” He said with a smile. He leaned down and kissed her softly. He pulled back and found her eyes, “You smell like home.” Once he said it, he realized exactly what he had said and if it had been anyone else, at any other time, he would have regretted it. As she looked up at him, her hands still framing his face, her face softened and her eyes warmed. He realized he was glad he had said it; he liked that it was out there in the universe. She lifted her head and kissed him in response. Before he could register it, she had rolled him and was now straddling him and his hands went to her thighs. 

She pulled away after a second, “You’re really sweet, Kaidan.” She said in response before she climbed off him and out of bed. He watched her as she wrapped a robe around herself and went to the closet pulling out her dress blues. He sat and looked around the room for his boxers. She kicked them to him and he chuckled as he caught them and pulled them on. She disappeared into the bathroom for her shower and Kaidan searched the room for the rest of his clothes. 

He was just finishing pulling them on when Shepard emerged from the bathroom in her uniform. He sat at the edge of the bed as he watched her. A cloud of steam followed her out as she brushed out her long hair. “So, what are your plans for today?” She asked him. He told her he was going back to his parents, with nothing particular planned. 

She nodded and he watched her pull her hair back and pin it up with the same four pins. She was leaning over the dresser in the bedroom of the suite and she opened a little black bag. He watched as she applied her make up. It didn’t take her long, less than five minutes. The change in her appearance was minimal, and Kaidan found he preferred her without it. She turned towards him, blushing. “What?” It was all so normal, almost civilian, even; waking up with her, watching her get ready, do her hair and her make-up. He enjoyed it. He just shook his head and smiled as he stood. He picked up her jacket and held it for her as she slid her arms in. She turned towards him as she buttoned her uniform coat. “Walk out with me?” She asked as she grabbed her folders. He followed her out of the room and when they reached the elevator bay, she threaded her fingers through his.

“How long will you be at HQ?” He asked her after they stepped into the car and she looked up at him after pressing the button for the lobby.

“I have no idea. I’m meeting with Hackett first thing, then I’m having lunch with Anderson, followed by a meeting with the Council and Udina. They might even have a press briefing scheduled for me this afternoon,” She said, grimacing, and he bit back a chuckle. 

“Sounds like a full day,” He said, feeling unsure how to proceed. He didn’t want to impose, but he wanted to spend as much time with her as he could. He wished he knew if she felt the same. The uncertainty was unnerving, and oddly exciting.

“Should I call when I’m done?” She asked quietly, the hesitation in her voice was surprising, and warmed him inside out. He squeezed her hand and she looked up at him. 

He leaned down and kissed her softly, “Yes,” He answered her against her mouth and she was smiling when the doors opened in the lobby. They pulled away and she released his hand. They walked together to the doors and stepped outside. With a brief smile she turned from him and he watched her walk away. Once she was lost in the crowd he turned and started walking. He hailed a cab and when it arrived he started the drive back to his parent’s house. 

He arrived at his parent’s house and paid the driver before exiting. He glanced at the time and hoped his parents would still be sleeping. He didn’t want to face his mom’s third degree, especially when he wasn’t sure what his father had told her. He quietly entered the house and luck was on his side as everything was still dark. He went up the stairs and into the bathroom for a quick shower. Afterwards, he went down to the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee and started breakfast. He knew his parents would be up shortly. 

It was much later in the day when Kaidan was sitting in the living room with his ‘tool open as he absent-mindedly worked on the coding for the information from Vigil. His father entered and sat in the chair to his right and turned on the vid-display. “Alliance Commander Sloan Shepard will be honored Friday at a ceremony here in Vancouver,” Kaidan lifted his eyes to the screen and the report continued, “Shepard, the N7 agent and the first human named a Council Spectre, is being called the Savior of the Citadel after thwarting the attempts of a rogue agent whose goal was to overthrow the Council and take control of the Citadel,” The reporter from the Alliance News Network announced. The screen filled with her image, a stock photo from her file. They almost had it right, and he sighed as he realized they were already omitting the Reaper threat. 

Kaidan could feel his father staring at him. “What?” He asked as he turned his attention back to the work he had started before his father had entered the room. Alex chuckled softly. 

“I didn’t hear you come in last night,” Alex accused gently and Kaidan looked at him without lifting his head.

“That’s because I came in this morning,” He answered simply before looking back to his ‘tool. He was not entirely sure he wanted to have this conversation. He was surprised when his father didn’t continue, though the air between them was thick and Kaidan could feel him still staring at him. After a silent moment, Kaidan closed the program and powered down his ‘tool. “What did Mom say when you came in last night?” Kaidan was hoping to take the heat off himself. 

“She asked where you were and I told her you’d ran into some friends and decided to stay out longer,” He answered and Kaidan nodded, glad for the white lie. It’s not that he didn’t want his Mom to know about Shepard, well, maybe it was a little but it was nothing against Shepard. He just knew his Mom. He knew if she knew he was seeing someone, she would start planning the wedding and knitting gender neutral booties. Truthfully, he didn’t even know what there was to tell, and for once he liked that. 

“How long is she in Vancouver?” His father inquired and Kaidan gestured to the screen that had just announced the ceremony when he answered that she’d be here until at least Friday. Alex nodded, “Will you be seeing her again while you’re here?” 

“Hopefully,” Kaidan answered honestly. “She’s pretty booked this week, though,” Kaidan gave a noncommittal shrug. He was hoping for the opportunity, but he wasn’t counting on it. He had no claim on her time, he only hoped she wanted to see him again while she was here. Based on their morning, he was cautiously optimistic. 

“I like her,” Alex stated after a silent moment, and Kaidan lifted his eyes to his Dad’s. The honesty in his tone was raw, and Kaidan was moved by it. He wasn’t surprised, though, most people liked Shepard. He had a feeling it was more than that. He had a feeling the statement was more like, ‘I like her for you.’

“Me, too,” Kaidan agreed. 

“Don’t fuck it up, Kaidan,” Alex offered simply and Kaidan let out a soft chuckle. He replied that he wasn’t planning on it and Alex nodded, saying nothing else. Alex turned his attention back to the vid screen as he searched for something to watch. Kaidan watched him for a moment, before opening his ‘tool and returning to the work his father had interrupted. 

It was much later in the evening and Kaidan was sitting at the dining room table with his mom. He could hear the vid his father was watching in the other room, and was momentarily distracted until his Mom dropped her last card and declared she was out. He hung his head. Ever since he was young, she’d loved playing old card games that her grandmother had taught her, games like Gin Rummy and Canasta. Tonight, it was Canasta, and he was losing spectacularly. Granted, it had been a long time since he’d played and he was distracted as he pretended he wasn’t waiting to hear from Shepard.

His mom called him on it, asking him what was on his mind. He turned his eyes to her, “Nothing,” He answered and she raised an eyebrow at him. He shuffled the deck, and let her pick the cards for him to deal, “I was just falling behind to make it look better when I win.” She laughed, her eyes bright as she watched him. He knew he hadn’t fooled her, but she let it slide. 

An hour later, after she won by more than a thousand points, he shook his head and demanded a rematch. “I’ll kick your ass again,” She promised and he laughed, “Tomorrow.” She stood and leaned down, he angled his head and she kissed his cheek. “Good night, Kaidan.” 

“Night, Mom,” He answered and watched her walk towards the stairs. His Dad met her there, and he let her walk in front of him up the stairs. He waved to Kaidan, “Night, Dad.” He glanced at the time. It was after ten. He boxed the cards and stretched. He yawned and realized he hadn’t slept much since he returned to Earth. He smiled as he thought of the night before, and decided to get some sleep. Maybe it was better Shepard hadn’t called. 

He was just climbing into his bed when his ‘tool sounded and he felt the rush of anxiety as he opened it. It was from Shepard, ‘Just got out of HQ. Headed to the hotel. Are you still up? – Shep.’ He waited a minute to send a reply that he was awake, and asked how her day had gone. Her response came quickly. ‘My day was hell. I’m starving. Can you recommend any place good around here?’ He thought for a moment about the location of her hotel. He knew of a great Chinese place he could pass on the way. She sent another message before he could reply. ‘And I know it’s late, but if you wanted to stop by for awhile, I wouldn’t turn away the company.’

He couldn’t help the smile that spread over his lips, and he replied that he was on his way and he would be bringing food. He called ahead to the Chinese place and ordered before calling for his cab. He got a response from her that said only, ‘Perfect.’ He dressed simply and by the time he was ready, the cab was waiting. It didn’t take him long to get to the hotel, and when he knocked on her door she opened it a minute later still in her dress pants and white tank she wore under her blouse. Her feet were bare. 

Her face brightened when she looked to the bags, and she took them from him and turned back into the room. He closed and locked the door behind him as he shrugged out of his coat. She set the bags on the counter and started pulling the boxes and containers of food out. The Chinese restaurant was familiar with Kaidan, so they weren’t surprised by the amount of food he had ordered. They moved around each other easily in the kitchenette as they pulled plates and glasses out of the cupboard. Once they settled on the couch in the living area, with the plates of different foods in front of them on the coffee table, she turned to him, “Hey.”

He leaned over and kissed her quickly, and soundly, on the lips just because he could, “Hey.” She smiled, blushing, and looked back to the food. Once their plates were full they sat back on the couch and turned towards each other. She had one leg tucked up under her and Kaidan smiled at the familiar pose. “So, what happened today?” He asked her around a mouth full of food. She sighed as she ate.

“Well, it started with Hackett telling me about the ceremony this Friday, which is fine. Then I met with the Council and Udina,” She looked at him and he winced. A meeting with Udina was never pleasant. “The Council thanked me for saving their lives, and then stated that they’re going to appoint a Human Councilor. They asked for my recommendation,” She sighed deeply before taking a long drink of her water. “Udina seemed to think I should name him,” She said and Kaidan scoffed, nearly choking on his food. “Exactly. So, I recommended Anderson.”

“That’s a fantastic idea,” Kaidan commented. “He’s seen battle and knows what’s required when were at war,” He added and Shepard nodded.

“That was my thought. I know we stopped Sovereign, but the Reapers are still out there and they’re not going to be happy that Sovereign is gone. Who knows how they communicate but I can’t believe that this is the end of it, and that’s what I told the Council,” She explained and he was glad he wasn’t the only one who was not so sure they weren’t done with the Reapers. They spoke a little more about the meeting she had then she turned her questions to him asking what he had done with his day. 

“Nothing exciting,” He answered as he cleared his plate. “When I copied the code from Vigil, I copied some other files, too,” He confessed and she grinned.

“Of course you did,” She chuckled as she set her empty plate on top of the empty containers on the table and stretched her legs out in front of her with a deep sigh. 

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to crack the coding, but that’s what I worked on today,” He explained. She reminded him he’s supposed to be on vacation. He laughed, “It’s fun for me.” He reminded her and she rolled her eyes. 

“Your day sounds much better than mine,” She commented and he shrugged. They were silent then. It was a new experience for them. To sit, and not have anything pressing to do. It was nice, comfortable. She stretched and her tank rose up exposing her abdomen. She noticed his eyes move to her midsection and back to her face. “It’s late,” She said, her voice soft, but there was mischief in her eyes as she stood. He leaned forward and rested his arms on his knees as he watched her walk towards the bedroom. 

“Yeah,” He agreed quietly, loving the way she was looking at him as she walked backwards. 

“I seem to recall someone telling me they had experience with hot showers,” She said as her hands moved to undo her pants. He watched as she slowly undid the zipper and slid them over her hips. She turned and stepped out of them as she crossed the threshold into the bedroom, “I’m pretty sure he promised to talk to me about it another time, but if it’s easier he could just show me.” He heard the shower turn on in the bathroom and was on his feet before she finished speaking.


	35. Chapter 35

Kaidan finished packing his bags and took one last look around his now empty room. Over the last week, he had managed to convince his mom that it was time to pack away his childhood items, and create a more adult space for his visits home. He had more difficulty parting with some of the items than he would have liked to admit. In fact, he had two boxes shipped to his quarters on Arcturus: one with his books, the other with the broken omni-tools and schematics. He told himself there may have been something of value in there, though part of him knew there wouldn’t be. 

He closed the door as he left and headed down the stairs. He was going to HQ for the ceremony for Shepard, with just one pit stop on the way. He dropped his bags near the door and peered through the window. His cab had not yet arrived. His mom came up behind him and he turned towards her. When he noticed the tears glistening in her eyes, he hugged her tight, and she sighed deeply. “Don’t wait so long for your next visit, you hear me?” She ordered before she pulled away.

“I won’t. I promise,” he declared and she buttoned up his jacket for him and adjusted the pins of his rank. He smiled at her, “I love you, Mom,” He stated and she cupped his face and kissed his cheek whispering her response in his ear. She pulled back as the cab honked, and her lip trembled. 

His dad came over from the other room, “Alright, Lisa, the boy’s got some place to be. He’ll call soon, right Kaidan?” He asked and Kaidan nodded sending Alex a grateful smile. Lisa stepped out of the way and watched as her husband hugged their son. “Take care of yourself,” Alex commanded, and Kaidan nodded as Alex clapped his back lightly. Kaidan sighed and grabbed his bags, he turned and left the comfort of his parent’s home. He didn’t look back. He knew his mom would be standing at the window, watching him, with his father standing just behind her with his hand on her shoulder. He dropped his bags in the trunk and climbed into the sky car. 

Kaidan sat uncomfortably in the crowd assembled before the stage at Alliance HQ. The space was filled with the soft hum of conversation as they waited for the ceremony to begin. Kaidan wasn’t sure if the discomfort came from his anxiety or the combination of his Dress Blues and the metal chair he was currently seated on. He was sandwiched between Joker and Dr. Chakwas, the two most observant members of the Normandy’s crew. If this event had taken place a week earlier, he wouldn’t have been so concerned about his proximity to the pilot and the Doctor. It would be more difficult now. 

At the risk of sounding cliché, this past week had been one of the happiest weeks he’d had in recent memory. After Kaidan had taken Shepard the Chinese and spent the night, she had left the invitation open for him to return. Just as long as he brought a change of clothes. She had teased that it unbecoming of an Alliance officer to leave a hotel in the same clothes he had entered the night before. Her schedule that day hadn’t been too crazy, and she had expected to be home by 1800. With that in mind, he’d left his parent’s house an hour prior, with a change of clothes, and beat her to her room. He smiled to himself as he hacked the door without setting off the hotel’s security system. He’d set his bag down just inside the door and went to work in the kitchenette. 

He was in the kitchen, plating the Italian food he’d brought with him when he heard the door open. Instead of alarm or concern over the presence in her room, he heard her bright, rich laugh and he grinned. He was still grinning when she turned the corner and found him setting the plates on the coffee table in the living room area. She walked over to him and wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed her face against his chest. He folded his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. “Smells delicious,” She commented and he pulled back as she looked up at him. She stood on her toes and kissed him quickly. “Food smells good, too,” She said with a smirk and they sat together and ate. 

The rest of the week had gone about the same. They would go their separate ways in the morning, but would end up back together in the evening. There was something comforting about it; domestic, even. He liked it. Now, he had to pretend it hadn’t happened. 

His attention was brought back to the stage when the typical Alliance pomp and circumstance began. Horns blaring, and flags flying as the honor guard marched out. Politicians and Alliance Brass followed. Shepard was the last to appear, bringing up the rear and taking her place near the edge of the stage. She’d opted to wear the skirt tonight with her Blues, instead of the pants, and Kaidan’s eyes drifted too often to her legs. The skirt was modest, falling to her knees, but Kaidan had already seen what was underneath. He had a hard time focusing, and when his eyes found the amusement in hers, he had the feeling she knew exactly what he’d been thinking.

He cleared his throat and shifted as the first speaker came to the podium. Admiral Hackett spoke about Shepard’s bravery after Akuze. The decorum she’d displayed as she handled the issue with Cerberus. He spoke of her reputation as a soldier with a “get the job done” attitude, and the words felt empty to Kaidan. She was so much more than that. The situation with Cerberus had taken its toll on her, had he really been the only one to notice or was it only because she had let him see?

Ambassador Udina spoke next, and Kaidan shifted in his seat as the man’s nasally voice rang out over the large room. Udina spoke of her work with him and the Council and how it was their combined efforts that ultimately led to Saren’s defeat. Kaidan’s eyes flicked to Shepard, then, and he could have sworn he’d seen her roll her eyes. He bit back a grin. Truthfully, though, one would think Udina was speaking at a ceremony for himself the way he twisted the events. Thankfully, he didn’t speak long. At this point, Joker leaned over and thanked Kaidan for talking him out of the award after Therum.

Anderson was up next. The pride the Captain, turned Councilor, felt was clearly visible as he stood tall behind the podium. He turned his torso and looked at Shepard with a grin on his face. Shepard dropped her eyes to her hands in her lap; Kaidan knew she would be twisting her hands and probably picking at her nails. “I have had the privilege of knowing Sloan Shepard since she was a young girl, traumatized by the events on her home,” Anderson started speaking and he turned his eyes out over the crowd. “She took the negative experience and made it a positive. She worked hard; she persevered. She dedicated her life to the Alliance. She reached N7 because she is strong, daring, and capable in battle. She was chosen as the first human Spectre because she has shown, over the course of her career, an ability to make hard, fast decisions. If the first eleven years of her service are any indication, I think it’s clear Commander Sloan Shepard will have quite the extraordinary career with the Alliance,” He paused and looked down to the award in his hands. “To honor her past achievements, her induction into the Spectre ranks, and her success in bringing down Saren and saving the Council, we would like to honor you with the Star of Terra award,” Anderson turned slightly to look at Shepard. She stood and walked towards him. 

She saluted him, and he returned it before handing her award. He gestured to the podium for her to speak. She looked at the award, then at Anderson, before taking her spot and looking over those in attendance. “Thank you. I am truly humbled by this honor. Honestly, I haven’t done it all alone. I have had the opportunity to serve with some of the finest soldiers in the Alliance, and this award is for them as well. For those we lost: Corporal Richard Jenkins, Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams, the crews of the Shenyang, Emden, Jakarta, Cairo, Seoul, Cape Town, Warsaw, and Madrid which were lost in the Battle of the Citadel. I would not have had the success I have had if not for my brothers and sisters in uniform. I don’t know what my future holds, but I can promise this: The Alliance is my home, and so long as I am alive I will serve and protect humanity to the best of my abilities. Thank you,” She said. Her words were more somber than expected, but still heartfelt and truthful. Those in attendance applauded as the honor guard led them from the stage. 

Kaidan watched as she left the stage, her eyes on the award in her hands and a small smile on her lips. The group dispersed into the next room where a cocktail hour had been set up. Glasses of champagne and wine were being served. Kaidan stood with Joker, Dr. Chakwas, Engineer Adams, and Pressly and spoke about their leave so far. “Are you heading to Arcturus now?” Joker asked Kaidan.

“No, I’m going to be staying in Vancouver for the remainder,” He answered, “My family’s here.” It was a half-truth. He was staying in Vancouver but it had nothing to do with his family. Shepard and he had decided to take advantage of the Alliance’s hospitality and stay in her suite for the next week. At that, his eyes scanned the room and he spotted Shepard, a glass of wine in hand, speaking with Hackett and his wife, as well as Admirals Johnson and O’Connor. He turned his attention back to the small talk around him, hoping no one had noticed his momentary distraction. 

They continued to mingle as the old style brass band started up from their spot in the corner. Slowly, the married couples in the room made their way to the center as they danced to the gentle music. Joker snorted and made an offhand comment Kaidan barely heard. He had found Shepard, off to the side of the room. For once, not being surrounded by those demanding her attention. He thought for a moment, as he watched her sip her wine that he should ask her to dance. He worried, though. Would it be proper for him to ask her? He felt a battle inside that he hadn’t entertained in a long while, between the man and the soldier. He wanted to take her in his arms and twirl her around the room, but there were too many eyes on her.

His decision was made for him when Anderson went to her and extended his hand. Her face lit up, and Kaidan felt the burn of irrational jealousy in his chest as she slid her hand into Anderson’s and set her wine glass down. He should have asked her. Anderson brought her to the center of the room and placed his right hand on her waist. He took her right hand in his left, and held it out as her left hand rested on his shoulder. She was grinning radiantly as he started leading her around the floor. They were light on their feet and moved together perfectly. He remembered what she’d told him about how Anderson had groomed her for N school; dance classes. As they glided gracefully across the room, it was obvious they had paid off. 

Kaidan engaged in small talk as the evening wound down. He kept an eye on Shepard, and when he noticed her slip out of the room towards the exit, he began extricating himself from his conversation. Shortly after she’d disappeared, he’d followed. He hailed a cab and it took him to her hotel. He was glad the formality was over. The event tonight marked the beginning of her official leave, and he was anxious to spend the uninterrupted time with her. Mercifully, the cab ride was short and he stopped and gathered his bags from the concierge, tipping him before making his way to Shepard’s room. 

He reached her door and knocked. She opened it after a moment and he leaned down and kissed her; just because he could. She smiled and moved into the room as he set his bags down inside the door. She’d already stripped off her jacket, kicked off her shoes, and peeled off her tights. Her blouse was untucked and hung over her skirt. “What? You weren’t in the mood to just hack the door today?” She teased as she pulled the pins from her hair and let it fall down her back. 

“Not while you’re here,” He answered closing the door behind him, “That would be rude.” She scoffed and he followed her into the bedroom. He unbuttoned his coat and hung it as she stood at the mirror brushing out her hair. “Did you have a good time tonight?” He asked her as he continued to remove his dress uniform. 

“Yeah, I guess,” She answered and she turned, her elbows rested on the dresser top as she leaned against it. 

“You guess?”

“Well, I kept waiting for this gorgeous Lieutenant to ask me to dance and he never did,” She said with faux disappointment in her voice and she was failing to hide a smirk. He turned towards her and chewed the inside of his cheek. He was surprised by her statement. He thought she would have understood why he didn’t ask her. He walked over to her, her eyes trailing over him as he did. He was down to his undershirt and slacks. He’d already kicked off his shoes. 

He stood in front of her, and took one of her hands in his. He pulled her towards him, and she was smiling brightly now. “I would have asked you to dance but,” He paused and slid his hand over her hip. She gasped, all traces of humor sliding off her face as he pulled her flush against him, his hand curled around her waist, “I would have held you too close.” He kept his eyes on hers as she slid her hand up his arm and over his shoulder. He tucked her hand in, under his, against his chest. He started to sway, and she rested her head against his shoulder, sighing deeply. He could feel her relax into him. “If I did that, then everyone would know,” He whispered into her hair. They swayed to the silence. Focused only on each other and they way they felt pressed this close. 

“What would everyone know?” She asked in a whisper, her breath dancing across his neck. He didn’t answer her. He focused on her breathing, on the heartbeat he felt under his hand as it moved over her back. The words were right there; right at the tip of his tongue. He couldn’t get them out. He couldn’t believe he was already there. It had never built like this before. Yet, there it was, strong and steady and he still couldn’t admit it out loud. When she pulled back to look at him, he kept his words to himself and instead he kissed her. He kissed her with everything he had already declared, and everything he wasn’t ready to admit. She voiced her approval in the back of her throat as she twined both arms around his neck. His arms circled her and in his effort to bring her closer, as if he could bring her into himself, he lifted her so the tips of her toes brushed the carpet beneath her feet as she held on to him. He took the few steps to the bed, and slowly lowered her onto it. 

Her arms were wrapped around him, holding him close. Her legs were hooked around his hips. One of his hands was splayed over her hip ran down her thigh as he savored the feel of her in his calloused hands. The other arm was wrapped around her. His elbow supporting him as his hand held the base of her neck. He kept his eyes on her face when he took her. She gasped and her head pressed back into the pillows as her body arched to accept him. He kissed the exposed column of her neck, and as he moved inside her, he could feel her rising. Her chest filling with breath she was never able to fully expel. Her voice rising in pitch as she reached her peak. Her eyes would flutter and a soft moan would leak from her lips each time his hips met hers. She shattered first, his name a broken moan as it slipped from her. That was all it took for him to follow. 

They laid there, entwined, basking in the afterglow. He kissed her slowly and laid his head against her chest, and he sighed as her hands slid through his hair. After a moment, he lifted his head and looked to her face. She smiled and kissed him thoroughly. He moved off her, and she followed him rolling to her side to face him. Their legs tangled together. “I guess it’s a good thing we didn’t dance, then,” She whispered and he laughed softly pulling her to him. She buried face in his chest.

They must have fallen asleep. When Kaidan opened his eyes again, Shepard was propped up on her elbow leaning over him. He cocked an eyebrow at her, “What’s up?” He asked as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. His gaze traveled over her. The sheet came up to the dip just above her hip. The dim light of the room illuminated every soft stretch of skin and rounded curve. He reached out and pushed her hair behind her shoulder. He let his fingers trace her jaw as he brought his hand back. 

She put her fingers over his lips before tracing the scar that cut through them. “Vyrnnus?” She asked him, and he nodded. She leaned forward and kissed his scar, and he felt the smile pull at his lips. Her fingers trailed down his torso to his side, and she traced a long healed gash on his rib cage just under his arm, “Vyrnnus, again?” She asked quietly.

He nodded and she frowned. He reached out and traced the scar above her ear, and spoke quietly, “Luna,” He said and cupped the back of her head, bringing it closer and he kissed it gently. The hair that had been shaved around the wound was growing back. The soft, short hairs tickled his face. While his lips were against her head, his hand traveled down to the other scar from the same mission, just under her breast. “Luna, again.”

“This is an unfair game, you know most of mine,” She chuckled and he propped himself up to get a better look at her. She lifted his arm and found the oddly shaped scar in the sensitive flesh of his underarm. She pressed her finger against it in question, “I’m surprised you noticed that one. It’s not a battle wound. It was before BAaT, actually. Shortly after my biotics manifested, I accidently broke my own arm; compound fracture. My mom passed out,” He answered and she smiled. “I know these, too,” He said and traced the gash on her shoulder. He whispered, “Feros,” before moving his hand beneath the sheet to her thigh. His hands curled around her leg, and his thumb traced the old wound. “Feros, again,” He said again and she laughed. 

She sat up and pulled the sheet back, exposing his lower half. She traced a scar on his thigh with one cool finger. “This one?”

“Frag grenade,” he answered simply. “Shrapnel got me through my armor,” She grimaced, and he laughed softly at her expression as he watched her move to straddle his waist. He reached up, and cupped her face. His thumbs ran over his cheeks and the dotted scars there. “I couldn’t figure these out,” He admitted. 

She chuckled, “Most people don’t notice them. I think because they blend in with the freckles,” She suggested.

“I pay attention to detail,” He reminded her and a teasing grin played on her lips. 

“I noticed,” She commented and he chuckled softly. She took his hands in hers and removed them from her face. “Akuze,” He raised an eyebrow, “Acid, when it hits the ground, it splashes.” Realization dawned on his features. Her eyes stayed on his as her hand moved to rest on his chest before she ran a finger around a puckered scar near his last rib.

“Batarian merc,” He answered, “Got me with a blade between the plating of my armor.” She winced and he sat up, bringing his body flush against hers and wrapping his arms around her. His hands ran over the speckled scar tissue he’d noticed earlier this week. It was her largest scar running from one shoulder blade to the other. “I couldn’t place this one, either,” He admitted and she wrapped her arms around him in return.

“Noticed that one, huh?” He nodded. “Omega,” She answered and he cocked an eyebrow at her, “Shortly after I reached N7, I was there for a while. I was in the wrong place at the right time. There was a fire and it caught my top,” He nodded and kissed her jaw as his hands caressed the damaged skin. Her hands slid down between them and around his waist. Her cool fingers traced a long, thin scar along his lower back. “This one?”

He grinned, he had a feeling she’d like this story. “First summer after BAaT, I was at the orchard with my grandparents. The horse I was riding spooked, and I was bucked off. I landed on some farm tools and sliced it open,” He answered and she grinned and kissed him again, pressing herself close to him. 

He reached between them and covered her belly with one large hand. There was a scattering of puckered scars near her belly button. “Mindoir.” He declared and she nodded. He took her chin in one hand and angled her head down slightly so he could leave a trail of kisses along the scar that cut through her face, “Mindoir.” She nodded and before she could say anything else her stomach growled loudly. With his lips still on her cheek, he grinned.

“I haven’t eaten all day,” She admitted and he pulled back and glared at her. “Don’t look at me like that. I was anxious and didn’t feel hungry,” She argued as she climbed off him. She grabbed a shirt off the floor, his, and went to the kitchenette. Kaidan pulled on a pair of shorts and followed her out. She was standing at the fridge wearing only his white button down. It was just long enough to cover the curve of her rear, but her long elegant legs were fully exposed. As she stared into the fridge, almost trying to will a meal into existence, one foot came up to scratch the calf of the other with her toes. He’d been right about her calves. 

“There were no left overs,” He stated referring to their meal the night before and she nodded. “Want me to make you something?” He asked and she turned, grinning. They switched positions, Kaidan went to the fridge and Shepard sat on the stool at the counter. They didn’t have much, but they had enough for an omelet. It was moments like this, when he got to do something to care for her, that he was really beginning to appreciate. He had learned that something as easy as scrambling eggs and chopping a few vegetables went a long way with her. It was silent as he worked, but he could feel her eyes on his back.

She startled him when he felt her cool hands move around his waist as she stepped up flush against his back. Her hands slid up and rested on his chest. She pressed her face into his back and sighed deeply. He watched the food cook and covered her hands on his chest with one of his. Neither said anything; they didn’t need to.


	36. Chapter 36

It was midafternoon on their last day of leave. It had been an amazing week in which they hadn’t left the hotel room. Some days they didn’t even leave the bedroom. It was a good thing the grocer down the road delivered. They’d watched old movies, and laughed over stories from their youth. Though, he had to admit, his favorite moments were spent in silence, just enjoying the tranquility. No demands, no pressures, no requirements except to just be. It was hard to believe that after almost a full week cooped up together, he didn’t want to leave and she didn’t seem to want him to leave. 

Kaidan was lying on the couch with one leg thrown up over the back and one arm tucked up under his head. Shepard was lying on top of him, her back to his chest and her head on his shoulder. His other hand was resting on her bent knee as she watched the codes scrolling over his omni-tool. He was half paying attention to the hockey game on the vid screen, the other half watching Shepard as she considered the codes of the training program running on his ‘tool. 

She moved her hand to the screen to select a certain section of the coding, and Kaidan knew it was wrong and would reset the program. “Ah ah! Wait…” He said against her ear and she groaned pulling her hand back. He chuckled softly, and it rumbled low in his chest. “Watch it for another minute. Take your time,” He coached, quietly. His lips brushed the shell of her ear as he spoke. “The pattern will develop and you’ll see it,” He instructed and she mumbled under her breath, and he turned his head and placed a gentle kiss to her cheek. He felt her sigh and he squeezed the knee he held. 

He turned his attention back to the vid screen, and it was just under a minute later he noticed her hesitantly reaching towards the screen, he looked to the program and saw she’d found it. She pulled the code, and the screen flashed green and she threw her hands over her head and laughed. He laughed with her and she turned her head towards him and let him kiss her. “You’re a good teacher,” She praised him and he snorted and rolled his eyes. She turned over, placing her hands palm down and on top of each other on his chest as she rested her chin on them looking to his face. She watched him as he powered down the training program and his ‘tool. He reached out and ran his hand through her hair and she leaned into his touch. He didn’t think he’d get enough of that. The way she would close her eyes, smile, and enjoy the feel of him. It was almost feline, and he loved it. 

She moved, placing her hands on the couch on either side of him, and lifted herself over him. Her hair fell around them and he dug his hands in, lifting it away, and cupping the back of her head. She kept her eyes on his as she lowered her head. Her nose nuzzled his and he was grinning as her lips ghosted over his, teasing. He followed her, anxious for her kiss. Their breath blended between them, and he groaned when her lips finally met his. He brought his leg down, and slid his hands down to her thighs, then the back of her knees. He pulled them so she was straddling him. 

Her kiss was slow and he let her lead. His senses were full of her. His hands caressed her back as they slid up under her shirt. The scent of plum blossoms invaded the air and tugged at his insides. He could hear her quick, ragged breathing as her mouth danced with his. Though his eyes were closed, he could see her in his mind’s eye. The way her eyelashes would lay on her reddened cheeks as her lips grew swollen from his kiss. She tasted sweet, always, and it drove him mad with want. She pulled away and pressed her forehead against his. His eyes opened and met hers as her tongue slid out to taste him on her lips. 

She slithered down slightly, and laid her head against his chest with a deep sigh. He kept his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. His eyes moved back to the vid screen when she asked, “What are you watching?” He chuckled and her question led him to a brief explanation of hockey. She seemed vaguely interested as he ran his hand along her scalp and through her hair. He could feel her breathing growing deep, and her body relaxing and going limp on top of him. 

“Do you have a dress?” He asked her quietly, his lips against the top of her head. He could feel her tense, and she lifted her head to look at him. 

“What?” She asked him, question in her eyes and the firm set of her lips.

“We have reservations for dinner tonight, and I wanted to make sure you had something appropriate to wear,” He explained and her eyebrows shot up. She placed her hands on his chest and sat up, still straddling him, and looked down at him. 

“What?” She asked again, pure confusion on her face.

“I promised you a dinner date,” He reminded her simply, as his hands slowly slid over her thighs. The long shirt she was wearing was bunched at her hips. 

“You’ve made me dinner every day this week,” She reminded him simply, and he laughed.

“And I have loved making you dinner every day this week, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to take you out and buy you dinner,” He explained and she cocked an eyebrow at him. “It will be fun,” He promised but she still looked skeptical. Her eyes narrowed slightly and she leaned down. She kissed along his neck and promised him she knew a few fun things they could do. He laughed, “We will have plenty of time for that after,” He said as his hands ran through her hair again. He coaxed her to lift her head and look at him. “Sloan, let me take you out,” He asked, his eyes searching hers and she sighed.

“Fine,” She agreed before lying her head back down on his chest. He grinned, and kissed the top of her head again. They hadn’t left the hotel the past week, and it would be good for them to get out. Maybe even give housekeeping time to come in and freshen up the room for their last night. He felt her relaxing again, his hands moving along her back. He knew the exact moment she fell asleep, still wrapped around him. He checked the time before folding his arms around her and letting himself drift off. 

It was a few hours later and Kaidan was standing in the bedroom of the suite buttoning his dress shirt. He glanced in the mirror and saw Shepard behind him as she slipped the dress down her slender frame. It was black and the hem was angled so it fell to her mid-thigh on the left side and down to mid-calf on the right. As it moved, the dim lighting of the room reflected a soft sparkle in the delicate fabric. The thin straps drew attention to her broad shoulders and defined arms. The zipper was open and his eyes trailed down the soft curve of her spine. He knew every inch of her body by now, and there was something sensual about the way her back moved. His eyes returned to her reflected face and he met her knowing stare. “Zip me up?” She asked. He smirked as he turned towards her. He crossed the room in a few steps and she watched him approach over her shoulder. She was holding her hair up off her back. He took the small zipper in his fingers and slowly slid it up. His fingers grazed her back as he did and he grinned at the gooseflesh that rose. She cleared her throat and dropped her hair. The plum blossom scent drifted up, and he chewed the inside of his cheek, “You know,” She said as she turned around and looked to the buttons he hadn’t finished with. She reached out and started closing them. He could feel the chill of her fingers through the shirt. He reached out and rested his hands on her hips, “We could just stay in,” She reminded him as she secured the last button and adjusted his collar, finally meeting his eyes again.

She’d done her make-up differently tonight, and every time his eyes met hers his breath would catch. Her kohl-rimmed sapphire eyes simply sparkled, and the deep red color staining her lips drew his attention with every smile, every spoken word. Her hair was different, too. She’d left it down, and added something to define the natural curls. She looked stunning, and for a moment he was tempted to forego the reservations and help her back out of the dress, but his legendary control won out. He simply leaned forward and placed a kiss to the corner of her mouth. “We’ll be back,” He promised quietly and she huffed and shot him a quick glare before pulling away. He laughed and she shook her head as she pulled out a pair of black heels and slid them on. He watched her, and the way the dress clung to her, accentuating her curves and the strength she held perfectly. He tore his eyes away as he pulled on his black coat before helping her with hers. She sighed as his hands moved between her hair and her neck and pulled it out from inside the coat. 

They left together, and once the door to their room closed behind them, he took her hand in his. Their fingers zipped together as they reached the elevator bay. Once they were inside the elevator, she looked to him, her heels giving her the height to meet his eyes without angling her head, “Are you sure going out so close to HQ is a good idea?” She asked, a last ditch effort to stay in. 

“Who said we were staying downtown?” He asked her and she sighed loudly. He cocked his head at her, his eyes searching hers, “Why are you so against this?”

“I’m not, I just…” Her eyes were locked on his. He saw the moment she acquiesced, her face softened and she smiled, “It’s our last night and I didn’t want to share you,” She admitted and he knew the surprise was clear on his face, “But you’re right,” She said and leaned forward, placing a chaste kiss to his lips. “We’re going to have a good time.” He grinned as the elevator opened in the lobby, glad he’d won. Their sky car was waiting and he helped her in before sliding in next to her and extending his arm along the back of the seat. The driver pulled away and started towards their restaurant. She asked the driver how long it would be, and when he answered twenty minutes she moved over and leaned her back into his side. She took his hand off the back of the seat and wrapped it around herself with a deep sigh. 

He looked down at her, and watched as the street lights danced over her face. She opened her eyes and met his warm whiskey ones and she smiled. The cab ride passed in comfortable silence as she was pressed against his broad chest with his thick arm draped over her. They pulled in front of the bistro and the driver opened the car door. Shepard sat up and ran her hands through her hair as Kaidan stepped out of the car. He extended his hand for Shepard and she rolled her eyes as she slid her hand in his and he helped her out of the car. He led her to the front door with his hand on the small of her back. He opened the door for her and ushered her inside. He followed and gave his name to the hostess, who smiled at him. He failed to notice as the hostess’s eyes trailed over his broad shoulders and down his torso before meeting his eyes again. Shepard raised an eyebrow as she noticed, and took his hand. 

They reached the table and Kaidan helped Shepard out of her coat before pulling out her chair, he pushed it in once she sat and draped her coat over the back of the chair. He removed his coat and sat across from her. He didn’t miss Shepard’s eyes as they trailed over his chest, her lip pinched between her teeth, as he turned to place his coat on his chair. The waitress was standing to his right and he ordered a bottle of wine without looking at her and Shepard was grinning. When the waitress walked away, he asked her, “What?”

“You really don’t see it, do you?” She asked him quietly before sipping her water. He waited for her to continue. The soft lighting of the restaurant made her eyes shine. “The way every woman watched you walk into the room just now,” She accused and he blushed.

He reached out and took her hand, “What women?” She laughed, and he grinned. 

“Seriously, I have never felt so hated by people I don’t know. Considering my history, that’s really saying something,” She was teasing him, and his eyes moved across the restaurant. Instead of seeing women he only noticed the men whose eyes were trained on their table. He should have felt jealous, but the way she was looking at him only made him feel a sense of masculine pride as she linked her fingers with his.

“If they hate you, it has nothing to do with me. It’s because you’ve distracted their dates,” He countered and she laughed as the waitress brought their wine and appetizers. 

“Agree to disagree, then?” She asked, he nodded and lifted his wine. He sipped without taking his eyes off her. They perused the menu and when the waitress returned they ordered. Once they were alone again, they picked at their appetizers in silence. He couldn’t keep his eyes off her. The way her eyes trailed over his face, the way the tips of her fingers would disappear into her mouth to clean the butter from the bread off them and then she would smirk. He grinned and shook his head at her, “You insisted on going out,” She reminded him simply. “We could be alone in the hotel right now,” She added and he made a quiet noise of acknowledgement as she grinned. 

The waitress returned with their meals, and Kaidan thanked her. They reluctantly separated their hands and started their meals. “So, when it’s time to buy your farm, do you think you’ll go back to Mindoir or another colony?” He asked her gently, and she looked up at him and considered his question.

“I always thought I would end up on another colony,” She admitted, and he looked to her. She dropped her eyes to her plate. “Not Mindoir, I mean, they rebuilt but I couldn’t go back, too many ghosts,” He nodded but didn’t say anything. After a minute, she looked and met his eyes, “I mean, it’s a long way off but, these last two weeks make me think it might be nice to settle on Earth.” 

He couldn’t help the grin that pulled at his mouth at her words, “Earth is a great place to live.” 

“Yeah, but I think any place would be great if you’re with the right person,” She countered and their eye contact intensified over the table. She cleared her throat and looked down to her plate. They finished their meal in a heated silence. He watched as her hand came up and scratched her neck, it drew his attention to the neckline of her dress and the rounded curve of her breasts. He was suddenly wishing they were back in the hotel. His eyes lifted to her face as she finished her wine. She set her glass down and shortly after, the waitress returned. Kaidan asked for the bill, then opened his ‘tool to pay. He stood and pulled on his coat. 

She watched the coat slide on his arms. He buttoned it closed. Her eyes flitted around the room before moving back to him. She was grinning. He looked around the restaurant, and much to his chagrin, did find a few sets of eyes on him. He looked back to her, and she was laughing silently, her hand over her mouth. He shook his head, lifted her coat from her chair and pulled it out from the table. He extended his hand for her, and she stood. He held her coat while she slid it on. He slowly closed the buttons on the jacket for her. He fixed the collar on her coat and, in the process, pulled her closer. Her hands went to his waist and, without releasing her coat, he leaned forward and kissed her. 

He hadn’t intended on the public display of affection, but there was something primal and satisfying in claiming her like this in front of a room of people. It was a simple kiss, respectable, short and sweet, but in the setting it said much more. He pulled back, releasing her coat, and taking her hand to lead her out of the restaurant. The ride back to the hotel was quiet, and comfortable. 

When they finally reached their room, they kicked off their shoes once they were inside. He helped her out of her coat and hung it with his on the hooks as she continued inside. He met her in the bedroom. She was braiding her hair over one shoulder. He moved behind her and placed a kiss to her shoulder as he slowly lowered the zipper. She turned her head towards him and smiled. He moved to her spine and, starting from the back of her neck, he followed the path of the zipper with his teeth and tongue. She shivered and when he reached his knees behind her, her gripped her hips and turned her to face him. She looked down at him, her cheeks red and her eyes hooded. He tugged at the hem of her dress and it fell, pooling at her feet. 

He pressed his face into her abdomen, and her hands went to his hair. His hands started at the back of her thighs, and slowly slid up as he kissed his way to standing. Her breathing was fast and shallow when he reached her mouth. She whimpered into his kiss as her hands ran up his solid chest to his neck. She pulled away and looked down to the buttons as she started undoing them, “You’re severely overdressed,” She muttered and when he took over the buttons, she moved her hands down to his belt. He pulled his shirt away and dropped it to the floor as she pushed his pants and boxers passed his hips. She pushed him back until he reached the bed and he sat. 

She climbed onto his lap and pressed her body against his as his hands groped her thighs and rear. She kissed him deeply as her nails scratched along his chest and sides. She reached down between her legs and found him. She guided him into her and sighed as her hips met his and he filled her. She pressed her forehead to his and their eyes locked as she rolled her hips against him. She kept her pace slow. He watched her and as she struggled to maintain the almost casual grinding of her hips on his, she lost some of the control of her biotics and there was a wave of blue energy that raced over her body. He tingled and moved his hands to her hips, urging her to move faster without moving his eyes from hers. His fingers dug into her hips and thighs and she arched back, her hands moving to his knees for support. Her head fell back and he kissed along her chest as she gave in to him and moved faster.

With a shuddering moan, she climaxed and he wrapped his arms around her and spun them so she was beneath him. She was nearly boneless with gratification, but he continued taking his pleasure from her as she slowly came down. She gripped the bed sheets and met his movements with equal need. He gasped and groaned, her name like a prayer on his lips as he found his release. He met her eyes, and found that sated smile on her face. It was oddly satisfying, knowing he was the reason she looked so fulfilled.

He kissed her, long and deep, before rolling off her and onto his back. She moved closer and laid her head on his chest. He pulled the blanket up over them, and she wrapped herself around him. She sighed, and, surprisingly, it sounded sad. He looked down at her, “Are you okay?” He asked and his hands brushed her hair back off her face. 

“I’m perfect and that’s the problem,” She whispered, looking up to meet his eyes before she continued. “I don’t want this to end,” He kissed her forehead and pulled her closer as her fingers traced an invisible pattern on his chest.

“Who said it has to end?” He asked quietly, feeling the nerves he’d been ignoring ignite in his chest. She lifted her head and rested her chin on his chest so she could see his face. She lifted her eyebrow at him. “We have to go back to work, but if that didn’t stop me from…” He paused and again pushed the hairs from her face. “It’s not going to change the way I feel about you. We’ll just have to set boundaries,” He stated simply. She leaned up and kissed him softly. He was grateful she let the comment about his feelings go. 

“So, when I’m your Commander again, you’ll be able to follow my orders, without question?” She asked. The desperation with which she wanted to believe him was clear in her voice. 

“Of course,” He promised. “I couldn’t live with the alternative,” He declared and her eyes softened, she believed him. They both knew the alternative was reassignment; he wouldn’t be able to stand not serving with her, not watching her back. He shifted so he was hovering over her. “Want to practice?” He asked and she laughed, that bright, rich laugh that made his heart pound. 

“Kiss me,” She ordered her eyes running over his face, drinking in his features; his golden eyes, his firm lips, and square jaw. 

He lowered his mouth to hers, “Yes, Ma’am,” He whispered as his mouth took hers. She giggled into his kiss and he pulled away abruptly. “Did Commander Shepard just giggle?” He asked her, his eyes wide and his face split in a grin.

“No,” She shook her head and he raised an eyebrow at her, “Commander Shepard doesn’t giggle. However, Sloan Shepard does, but only when she’s really, really happy,” She said as she shifted beneath him. 

“Are you?” He asked quietly, as his nose brushed against hers.

“Yeah, I am,” She declared and he kissed her again. He was, too. Happy they had this time alone together. Happy they had agreed to continue to work together. The details would be worked out the next day on their long flight back to Arcturus. For right now, Kaidan was with Sloan; and they were happy.


	37. Chapter 37

They had set their rules quite simply. While they were on the Normandy, they had to remain strictly professional. Kaidan knew, as well as Shepard did, that it was a slippery slope and any small breach of protocol and they would be found out. Then they’d be facing reassignment for Kaidan and possibly a court martial for Shepard. As much as he missed her, and the way he could just lean over and kiss her whenever he wanted to, he knew it was better this way. 

Though Saren and Sovereign had been defeated, there were still pockets of geth scattered through the Traverse and Shepard had been tasked with neutralizing them. Her Spectre status had allowed her the opportunity to keep the non-Alliance crew on board. Garrus and Liara had accepted and stayed on, while Wrex and Tali had gone back to their people. Kaidan hadn’t realized how much Tali had helped Engineer Adams until the Chief Engineer had called him down to help him sort out some of the coding Tali had left active. The coding had been meant to continue the assistance she had offered, but when Adams had tried to disable it, it had triggered the security protocol and ended up shutting down some non-essential systems. It amazed Kaidan, as he worked to undo what she had done, how much knowledge Tali had, and he missed the young Quarian. 

It was easier than Shepard and Kaidan had thought it would be to fall back into their respective roles of Commander and Lieutenant. Partly due to the fact that the beginning of a mission was always busy, so they didn’t have much downtime. Kaidan was still stationed outside her quarters, so he would catch glimpses of her throughout the day. However, this time, she didn’t join the crew for meals and he hadn’t run into her at night, either. She kept to herself in her quarters more than last time. 

It was even easier when they were groundside. Shepard, with her armor on and Commander thick in her voice, left no room for defiance. Kaidan was able to focus on his years of training and instinctual ability to follow orders. He was proud of himself, for his ability to compartmentalize and get the job done. If anyone had noticed a change in them, they said nothing. Kaidan had a feeling Garrus knew something was different. It was in the soft twitching of his mandibles and the mirth in his eyes as they would check their armor before a mission. Kaidan also thought Joker had his suspicions, but the pilot had enough respect for Shepard, and for Kaidan, to keep it to himself. 

The first time their rules had been broken was just about a week into the tour. Kaidan had one of the worst migraines he’d had aside from Noveria and the Citadel. He was curled up in the med-bay and waiting for Chakwas’s medicine to kick in. It was late in the night cycle, and Chakwas had abandoned the bay for her own bed at Kaidan’s insistence. There was no reason for the Doctor to sit awake. He would be fine once the meds kicked in. Shortly after, Kaidan heard the soft sigh of the doors opening and at first he’d thought it was Chakwas returning but then he smelled plum blossoms. He took a long, deep breath ignoring the rolling waves of nausea. She leaned down and whispered his name in his ear. He opened his eyes just slightly and found her face near his. “Come to bed with me,” She whispered, concern the only emotion he could make out in her eyes. His eyes opened wide and he started to argue. She snorted and he stopped, “Like you’re in any condition,” She teased, and despite the pain he smiled, “Come on, it has to be more comfortable than this cot.”

He didn’t have the strength to argue about their rules. He sat up slowly and she picked up his boots. He draped his arm over her shoulders and she supported him as she led him out of the bay and across the empty mess to her quarters. The door locked behind them and she dropped his boots and he winced. She apologized as they reached the bed. He was still dressed in his BDUs. She knelt in front of him and helped him pull off his uniform. Once he was down to his undershirt and boxers she eased him back in the bed, the pillows cushioning him mercifully. The bed smelled like her. He hadn’t realized how much he had missed it as he felt some of the tension ease from his shoulders. 

Shepard quickly changed and climbed into bed with him. Instantly, he rolled over and pulled her to him. She didn’t make the pain go away, but she helped him relax as he waited for the meds to start working. He rested his head on her chest and let the soft thudding of her heart lull him to sleep as her cold hands skimmed across his head and down his face. 

It was still the night cycle when he woke a few hours later. Shepard was on her side, facing away from him, having moved as they slept. He assessed his pain level and realized he was blissfully pain free. Nearly out of habit, he reached out and his hand slid under her shirt to caress her belly as he pulled her closer. As his arm circled her, her back pressed to his chest and their legs twisted together.

A soft sigh escaped her as she slept and he pressed a kiss to her neck. She turned her head in her half dazed state and her lips found his for a gentle, tender kiss. “Feeling better?” She whispered and he nodded with his face in her neck. He looked to her and found a sleepy, triumphant smile. He suddenly had the thought that maybe she felt the same. As tempted as he was to tell her, to whisper the words here in the dark security of her room, he couldn’t. Instead, he pulled her closer and felt her relax as her cool hand trailed down the arm around her and rested on top of his hand, their fingers linked. They dozed lightly. Simply enjoying the contact that they had been missing since the start of the mission. 

He didn’t fall back into a sound sleep, he was just hovering between sleep and wakefulness. He knew he needed rest, but he didn’t know when he’d be able to hold her again and he didn’t want to sleep through it. After about an hour, Shepard pulled away from him as she slowly sat up. She stretched and Kaidan admired the way the muscles shifted under her skin. She turned and looked down at him. “It’s time for me to get up,” She announced quietly. “You should get some more sleep, though,” She suggested as she ran her hand down his face, the light stubble tickling the tips of her fingers. “If someone notices you’re not in your pod, there might be questions.” He agreed with her and got up to dress. She sat at the station in her quarters and pulled up her messages as she twisted her hair up off her neck. He redressed in his BDUs, which he didn’t remember removing. 

Once he was dressed, he went to her at the console and rested his hands on her shoulders. She turned her head up towards him and he leaned down and kissed her softly. She sighed into it, and when he pulled away she licked her lips, smiling. She took his hand in hers and walked him to the door of her quarters. He reached out, cupped her cheek, and she leaned into it closing her eyes. “Thank you, Sloan,” He whispered and she nodded, opening her eyes and meeting his.

“I’m always here, Kaidan,” She reminded him, as she took his hand from her face and held it. He felt a tender twist in his core at the promise and use of his first name. He smiled and placed a kiss to her forehead before leaving her and going to his pod to try to catch at least another hour of sleep. Later that day, when he saw her on the ship, she’d made eye contact with him and offered him a small smile. It warmed him, and he returned it briefly before turning his eyes back to his work. Aside from that, it was as if the night before hadn’t happened, and they were back to business. 

The next few days passed and Kaidan wasn’t sleeping well. He could feel it deep in his bones, the exhaustion. He worried that if he didn’t get more sleep, he’d mess up groundside and get himself injured. Yet, it seemed that with every site they hit, the geth grew in numbers. It had only been just about two weeks but it felt longer. The mission this day had been extensive and more difficult that previous. The geth were holed up in a heavily fortified bunker and it took almost a full day for the trio to break through their defenses. It was well into the night cycle when they were finally able to radio Joker for pick up. Shepard pulled off her helmet and brushed the sweat slickened hair off her forehead as she drove the Mako to the extraction point. 

“I need a drink,” Garrus grumbled, his exhausted two-toned voice broke the silence from the back seat. Kaidan chuckled as he rubbed the back of his neck after removing his own helmet. A drink sounded like heaven, and would probably help him sleep. 

“I’ve got whiskey, but it’s not dextro,” Shepard offered, “Did you sneak anything on board?” She asked him and Garrus let out a low, rumbling, almost ironic, chuckle.

“That’s like asking if a Salarian talks fast,” Garrus responded and an exhausted smile spread on the Commander’s face. They reached the extraction point and Shepard glanced at Kaidan before turning to Garrus. 

“Alright, get cleaned up and meet at my quarters in 20. I think we deserve a drink after today,” She ordered and Kaidan felt a rush of apprehension run through him. It would be a test, that’s for sure. She locked eyes with him for a moment as she turned back around, and he could almost see the reassurance in her eyes. She smiled at him before turning back as the Normandy came into view. 

That was how Kaidan had found himself sitting in Shepard’s cabin with a slurring Turian, a sleepy-eyed Commander, an empty bottle of some Turian liquor he wasn’t sure of the name, and a half-empty bottle of whiskey. They’d taken the time for quick showers after returning to the ship, and Shepard had left her door unlocked for them. When Kaidan had entered he’d been grateful that Garrus had beat him to her room. He didn’t want to tempt fate. 

He watched as Shepard and Garrus recollected missions, both trying to best the other with their stories. Shepard’s eyes were hooded from weariness and the whiskey had tinted her cheeks pink. She was laughing, and Kaidan smiled as he took a drink from his glass. “Okay, okay, Shepard, you win. I’ll let it go for tonight. I’m too tired to keep at it,” Garrus conceded before knocking back the rest of his drink. Shepard grinned triumphantly and threw her arms up. Kaidan’s eyes moved to her midriff out of habit. “I’m going to get some sleep,” Garrus said as he stood, wavering slightly on his feet.

“You alright, Vakarian?” Kaidan asked and Garrus waved him off mumbling as he made his way to the door. Shepard was still grinning as the doors closed behind him leaving her alone with Kaidan. She dropped her eyes to her glass, her finger was tracing the rim lightly. Kaidan tore his eyes away from her as he forced a stretch. “I should go,” He whispered but he didn’t move. 

“Yeah,” She answered quietly, with a gentle nod as she reached out and closed the bottle of liquor. He looked at her, and the exhaustion he knew he felt was mirrored in her and he felt it in his chest when she sighed deeply.

“You alright, Sloan?” He asked her, his voice a low rumbling whisper. 

She met his eyes, and he saw the shadows there. “I haven’t been sleeping well,” She admitted, sighing deeply. “I’ve been having nightmares,” Her confession was so quiet, and human, her words sounded small in the room. He asked her what they were of, and she closed her eyes as she spoke. The Prothean. When she would close her eyes, and hover between being asleep and being awake, she would see the images from the beacon. Now that she had lived with the cipher for so long, she was beginning to understand the images. “So, before I’m even really sleeping, I wake up in a panic, and can’t fall back to sleep.”

“Did you have nightmares in Vancouver?” He asked her. He was almost afraid to bring up their shore leave, and the time they had spent together. It seemed like it would break an unset rule. She smiled sadly and shook her head. 

“It’s worse when I’m alone,” She whispered again, and his heart thudded against his chest as his head swam. He wasn’t sure if it was from the whiskey or the insinuation. There was a heated silence between them as the minutes ticked by. He was about to reach out and take her in his arms when she spoke, “You should go,” She reminded him, her voice held an unusual tremble. She looked up at him, her cheeks still pink and he nodded. “But… you could stay,” She offered, “if you wanted to.”

His hands were in her hair and his lips were on hers as she finished speaking. She kissed him back instantly, her hands on his forearms as a soft moan slipped from her. He guided her to standing and his arms wound around her waist pulling her closer. Her hands moved to his back and she fisted his shirt. He moved his kisses to her neck and she groaned, “Oh, thank God.” He chuckled against her skin as he backed her towards her bed. 

Later, they laid together; their skin sweat slickened and their breathing heavy, their hearts racing and biotics flaring. He had his head pressed against her chest and her hands were in his hair. So much for their rules, and self-control. He said as much and she laughed quietly. He heard the soft whisper of her giggle as it danced around her heartbeat before escaping. He grinned and placed a gentle kiss to her breast bone before rolling off her and pulling her to him. “I think I’ll sleep better tonight,” She whispered as she wrapped her arms around him. He pulled her closer and said nothing as he felt himself relax in a way he hadn’t been able to since they returned to the Normandy. She did that for him, and he liked the thought that he returned the favor.

Once again, he was tempted to say it. Tempted to tell her he was falling in love with her. The fact that he felt that strongly scared him more than anything else. Sure, he’d been in love before; at least he thought he’d been. He’d had his first childhood love with Rahna, but like all young love it wasn’t meant to last. There was also the woman he’d been seeing through basic. She wasn’t a soldier, she was a doctor and she taught him a lot about how to love a woman; in the bedroom and outside of it. Their relationship had ended when he’d finished basic and was shipped out. She wasn’t interested in long distance. He was sure, at the time, that he had been in love with her. Though, looking back he seemed to get over that heartbreak rather easily. 

When he looked down at Shepard, as her breathing deepened and she drifted off to a peaceful slumber, he thought of the Battle of the Citadel and the physical pain he felt in his chest when he thought she had died. That was nothing like the pain he’d felt before. He didn’t think he could pinpoint a moment, or event, that made him love her. It was like he always had, like he was meant to, he just needed to realize it. Now that he had, he didn’t know what to do with the information. He wanted to tell her, but he was terrified. That was part of it, right? Being in love? The terror, the willingness to open oneself up and let someone in. The willingness to hand over the power, to give the other person the ability to break your heart. 

She fell asleep against him, her head pillowed on his shoulder, her arm draped over his chest and her leg up over his hip. He smiled and pulled the blanket over them. He kissed her forehead and watched her. When she pulled him closer in her sleep, he had the fleeting thought that he’d be safe trusting her, and that made him smile. He turned his face into her hair and took a deep breath, trying to remember everything about this moment. It would be cheating to say it out loud now that she’d fallen asleep. So he kept his confession to himself, glancing at the clock. He had about four hours to sleep. It wasn’t much, but it was more than he’d been getting lately. He was certain it would be more restful as well. He held her tighter as he closed his eyes and let himself follow her to sleep. They were scheduled to arrive at Alchera at 0800. 

Looking back on that moment, if he had known what would happen, he would have told her. He would have woken her up and said it over and over, like a broken record, until she believed him. He would have made love to her all night long, promising to love her forever; if she would have him. They say hindsight is always 20/20. Looking back, there was so much he would have done differently if only he had known.


	38. Chapter 38

_Get the fuck out of here!_

Kaidan was locked into his seat in the escape shuttle as it floated through space towards the frozen surface of Alchera below them. There were soft sobs coming from the corner of the pod, and Kaidan couldn’t bring himself to open his eyes and look. He tried to grasp what had happened. The attack had come out of nowhere, and had decimated the ship before anyone really had time to react. Keeping his eyes closed, he breathed deeply and thought back on the day to see if there was something they had missed. Some clue as to who the attacker had been. 

Just this morning he’d woken up with Shepard in his arms again. He watched as she stirred gently and when she opened her eyes, she smiled sleepily. He’d been able to lean down and kiss her, just because he wanted to. He hadn’t been able to stay too long, the ship was waking up and it would raise too many questions if anyone had spotted him leaving. She was sitting at the console, checking her messages, while he dressed. From behind her, he asked if she thought the coast was clear or if anyone was in the mess. She chewed her lip and pulled up the camera feeds on her screen, “You’re in the clear,” She promised as she stood. 

She walked him to the door, and he kissed her pulling her against his chest. She’d gasped lightly and he smiled against her mouth. “See you later, Commander,” He muttered, his nose nuzzled hers. 

“Lieutenant,” She said with a grin, kissing him once more before the door opened behind him and he slid out. He didn’t know where they were with rules now. He didn’t know what to expect at the end of the day but he didn’t care. For right now, he was going to let the memory of the night before sustain him and see how the evening played out while keeping his expectations low. 

Later that day, Kaidan was in the cockpit with Joker as he brought them closer to their destination. He was already suited up for his groundside mission, his helmet hanging at his hip. Joker kept looking at him sideways and Kaidan wondered if this would be the moment Joker brought up his suspicions. The pilot just sighed and said nothing, and Kaidan was grateful as they both turned their full attention to their monitors. “Disengaging FTL drives. Emission sinks active. Board is green… we are running silent,” He announced and Kaidan heard Pressly sigh behind them.

“We’re wasting our time. There has to be something more productive we could be doing than chasing geth,” Pressly complained, the frustration clear in his voice. They were all feeling slightly useless, or overqualified maybe, for their current assignment. No one felt that as acutely as Shepard did, but she wasn’t one to express that to the crew. Though, she had mentioned it to Kaidan and Garrus the night before. 

Kaidan spoke up, reminding Pressly exactly what he had reminded Shepard the night before, “Three ships went missing here in the past month. Something happened to them.”

Pressly scoffed, “My money’s on slavers. The Terminus System is crawling with them.” Pressly wasn’t wrong, but slavers would have left some trace of their presence. These ships had simply vanished.

Kaidan noticed something on his monitor, and he ran his scanner again and, though he felt his nerves rise, his training kept his voice calm, “I’m picking something up on the long range scanner: Unidentified vessel; looks like a cruiser.” He stated and the three officers started their own scans to verify the information Kaidan had found.

“Doesn’t match any known signatures,” Joker added absently, his attention focused on the monitors.

“Cruiser is changing course; now on intercept trajectory,” Kaidan announced, confused, as his hands flew over his console in anticipation. They were in stealth mode, there was no way they would be found. Pressly said as much. 

“It’s not the geth,” Joker interrupted them. “Brace for evasive maneuvers!” He ordered and suddenly the cockpit and CIC were a flurry of activity as everyone switched into fight mode. Even with Joker’s flying skills, they were hit by the weapon fired by the unknown ship. Instantly, the alarms sounded and lights flashed as the hull was breached. Kaidan had one thought: Shepard.

There was an explosion that rocked the cockpit and Pressly went down, his head at an awkward angle. Kaidan felt the bile rise in the back of his throat as he stood. There was an organized panic throughout the CIC. They had trained for this, but the reality of it was not something you could really be prepared for. Shepard’s voice rang out overhead with the order to evacuate their stations and abandon ship. He ran toward the stairs to find her. He could hear Joker over the comm as he ran, “Kinetic barriers down! Multiple hull breaches! Weapons offline!” His was shouting the status updates, fear heavy in his voice as the weapon cut through the ship like a hot knife through butter. As it passed through levels of their protection, explosions shook the ship. “Somebody get that fire out!” Was Joker’s last order before he turned off the comm.   
There were people shouting and running everywhere. There were scattered bodies on the floor, soldiers who were unlucky in their positions when the beam from the enemy ship sliced through the Normandy. Kaidan could feel his heart pounding, and swallowed hard. He had never seen a weapon like that before. He did notice the crew were fleeing in the general direction of the escape shuttles. 

Kaidan rounded the corner in the mess and ran towards the sleeper pods and the distress beacon. That had to be where Shepard was, he called out for her and she turned to face him after securing her helmet. “Distress beacon is ready for launch,” She declared and Kaidan felt the relief wash over him when he realized she was alright. She turned to look at him, and when her eyes met his, he saw the same relief there. 

He spoke as he secured his own helmet, “Will the Alliance get here in time?” Just as he finished securing his helmet there was an explosion behind him and he lost his footing and fell. He grunted as he landed hard. Shepard went to him as soon as they stopped shaking and extended her hand to pull him to his feet.

“Well, I’m not doing this just so they can find our frozen corpses,” She stated as she lifted a fire extinguisher and he copied her in her attempt to put out the nearby flames. “Alenko, get everyone to the escape shuttles.” She ordered, and it was an order. Kaidan knew it but for the first time since Vancouver, he didn’t want to follow it. He didn’t want to leave her. 

“Joker’s still in the cockpit,” Kaidan informed her and she cursed, “He won’t abandon ship and I’m not leaving, either,” He declared, conviction in his voice, but when she rounded on him he could feel the heat of her glare through her visor. It was a look he hadn’t seen since their argument after Virmire and he felt his resolve waver. 

“Get to the goddamn shuttles! I’ll haul Joker’s crippled ass out of here!” She was yelling, she had to for him to hear her over the roar of the flames and the explosions ringing out on other levels. She was desperate for him to listen to her and he clenched his jaw and planted his feet. The alarms were still screaming and the lights still flashing red, orange, yellow; like the fires that danced along the walls. 

“Commander…” He started but the words stuck in his throat as she moved towards him. She grabbed his shoulders and pushed him towards the escape shuttles. 

“Goddamn it, Lieutenant, I gave you an order,” She pulled rank, though he could see she hated to do it. He’d given her no choice. “Get the fuck out of here!” She growled and he stared at her for just another second. He could feel the desperation in his eyes. He had no choice but to turn on his heel and run towards the shuttles. As soon as he turned his back on her, he felt the cold grip of fear in his chest. He ignored it.   
He reached them just as Liara did and he ushered her and the few remaining crew inside. “Everybody in! Go! Go! Go!” He shouted and he looked over his shoulder just as another explosion rocked the corridor, he saw the body of one of the engineers hit the floor hard. He swallowed audibly and entered the pod, locking himself in his seat before he pushed the eject button. The escape pod shot out of the Normandy and towards the icy planet below them. 

The silence of the enclosed space was a stark contrast to the cacophony of noise they’d left behind on the dying Normandy. It was broken only by Joker over the comm, “Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! This is the SSV Normandy. We’ve suffered heavy damage from an unknown enemy. Come on, baby. Hold together. Hold together!” The comm cut off then, the link lost, and Kaidan closed his eyes. It was one of Pressly’s navigators crying in the corner, he knew. He could feel Liara staring at him, and he knew it was Liara, though he wasn’t sure how. He couldn’t wrap his head around what had happened. The ship had come out of nowhere and attacked without provocation or warning. By the time the Alliance answered the distress beacon, their attackers would be long gone.

He could feel when they entered Alchera’s atmosphere when they started to shake. Though he tried not to, he worried about Shepard. ‘Get the fuck out of here!’ He couldn’t get the tone of her voice as she ordered him away out of his head. He couldn’t get passed the feeling that he should have stayed. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but they hit the ground hard. Kaidan’s eyes opened and he checked the crew with him. Everyone was alright, if a little bruised and scraped. Kaidan opened the door and stepped out. His eyes went to the sky and he watched the remaining crew land around him.

The crew was looking to him as they climbed out of their pods. He realized that with Pressly’s death, he was the highest ranking Officer, at least until Shepard arrived. He was in charge. He gave himself a moment to let that sink in before he started barking orders. Assigning jobs to soldiers: head counts, injury assessment, and setting up an area for Dr. Chakwas to treat them while they awaited their rescue. Every so often he would look up towards the sky. Waiting for the last escape shuttle to enter the atmosphere. As he spoke to Dr. Chakwas, he felt suddenly nauseated, and she placed a hand on his shoulder to steady him. He brushed it off as it passed and they continued to speak about the minor injuries the crew had sustained. 

The area had slowly settled down. A shocked hush fallen over the surviving crew as they set up the heated tents and gathered the rations at Kaidan’s order. Though he was helping Dr. Chakwas with first aid, Kaidan kept glancing over his shoulder at the sky. He tried to tell himself that she would be fine, that she would land shortly. He could almost hear her laying into Joker for ignoring her order as the pod made its way to the planet. He clenched his jaw and looked down at the injured engineer in front of him. He was not a religious man. He’d been raised Catholic but he could count the number of times he’d truly prayed on one hand. He never had the kind of faith Ashley had. He didn’t find comfort in an all-knowing, ever-present Higher Power who waited for you to make a mistake so He could punish you. Throughout human history they had not been able to agree on one religion. When you added the religions of the galaxy; the Turian and their Spirits, the Asari and their Goddess, it made an already clouded idea even more muddied. Still, he closed his eyes and prayed. He supposed he was praying to anyone willing to listen.

Moments later, he heard the alarm in the voices nearby and turned to see the pod had entered the atmosphere. He estimated where it would land and called a few of the nearby soldiers to come with him as he started towards the expected landing area. Something in his chest felt cold, and he had realized he knew what he was going to find when he opened the door. He still didn’t want to believe it, but he knew Shepard hadn’t made it. He swallowed hard and let his feet lead him. He reached it just after it landed, and he didn’t bother checking the window before he opened the door. 

As he took in Joker and his injuries, he absently acknowledged that Joker was, in fact, alone. Joker hadn’t made it into his seat, let alone been strapped in before the pod took off. He was hanging by his arm which was twisted in the strap hanging from the top of the shuttle, broken in more than one place. His legs were twisted unnaturally beneath him, and his BDUs were stained with blood in some areas; most likely from compound fractures. He was unconscious, whether or not it was from the pain of the breaks or a head injury sustained during the flight was unclear. He ordered those with him to assist with getting the pilot out of the pod and to Dr. Chakwas carefully, and quickly.

As they carried him, he acknowledged that there were no pods left for her. Shepard wasn’t going to make it to the planet. She was gone, for real this time, and there was nothing he could do about it. He stayed with Joker and helped Chakwas as she fought against his injuries. He needed to keep busy, to focus on something else besides the nagging grief he felt deep in his core. He didn’t have the time to let it out, he had work to do. He had to make sure the surviving members of the crew remained that way until the Alliance arrived the next morning. He had to make sure Joker lived. If he died, then Shepard would have sacrificed herself for nothing. 

It was hours later when Chakwas declared him stable, but critical. The sun had set over Alchera, and while most of the crew were in the tents, staying warm and sharing their rations, Kaidan was standing ankle deep in the snow, staring up at the night sky. His helmet was hanging from his hip and the cold air was burning his face in a familiar way. Like the winters of his childhood spent in Vancouver. It had been a long time since he could look at the stars and see just stars. He would look at the sky and think of the planets and the beings, and the possibilities. Right now, he wished for the simplicity of childhood. It would make his thoughts seem more appropriate.

He looked at the stars, and thought of her. Alone. Breathless. Frozen. He still wasn’t sure what had happened. Joker was the only one who would know and he was still unconscious. He felt the burning ball of emotion in his throat and tried to choke it down. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He could still smell her. The way the light floral, fruity scent would trail after her when she passed him at his station. That would never happen again. The way she would throw her head back and laugh, loud and rich. He’d never hear it again. The way she would whisper his name as she clung to him while they made love. He nearly choked on the sob as it sunk in that he’d never hold her again. He’d never again lie with his head against her chest and listen to her heartbeat. 

How could she be here one minute, and be gone the next? Why? It’s not fair. He sighed deeply. They were childish thoughts, he knew that, but it was all he could process. He heard soft footfalls crunching in the snow behind him. He turned and looked over his shoulder and found Liara. He was taken aback that she had come to him. She said nothing, and he watched as she stood next to him and looked up to the stars. He looked back up. She didn’t say anything, but her hand reached out and took his. Her hand was warm and comforting in an unexpected way. 

They stood in silence for a long while. Kaidan wasn’t sure how long it was before he heard more footsteps behind him, heavier, and he turned to find Dr. Chakwas approaching. “Jeff is awake, and asking for you,” She informed him and Kaidan felt his back stiffen. He didn’t know if he wanted to talk to him, but deep down he knew he needed to. 

“Should he be awake?” He asked as he released Liara’s hand and she stepped away from him. 

“No, but he is refusing medication until he speaks with you,” She admitted, her frustration clear as she spoke. He sighed and turned to follow the doctor, leaving Liara where she stood. He glanced over his shoulder and watched as she turned to look back up at the stars. He entered the tent where Joker was set up. The lighting was warm and orange and gave the shadows on Joker’s face a darker, more gruesome appearance. “I’ll leave you two,” Chakwas spoke softly after checking Joker’s vitals. She left the tent, and Kaidan stepped closer to the cot. 

Joker’s head was bandaged, and his arms were wrapped and strapped against his chest to keep them stable. His legs had been splinted, and his face was pale with pain, blood loss, and grief. “Why are you giving Chakwas a hard time?” Kaidan asked him as he opened his ‘tool and ran his own scan over him. 

“I wanted to give you my report. I’ll probably be out for awhile and I wanted to tell you what happened,” Joker’s voice was small, and sad. The general cockiness absent and replaced by shame. He was clearly blaming himself, and Kaidan felt his bravado soften. He wanted to blame Joker for her death, but it wasn’t his fault, not really, and he knew that. 

“Very well,” Kaidan acquiesced and opened the program on his ‘tool that would record Joker’s words. He explained that Shepard had reached him shortly after the comms cut off and ordered him to evacuate and he had argued with her. Kaidan’s jaw clenched at his admission but he said nothing. Joker explained that she had pulled him from his seat and nearly thrown him into the escape shuttle. Just as he crossed into the pod, their attacker had hit the ship again, knocking her away. He had called out to her, and he saw the resignation in her eyes as she reached out and pushed the launch button, sending Joker away from the ship as the Normandy broke apart. 

“She was knocked away from the ship and there was nothing I could do,” Joker finished, his voice breaking, and Kaidan nodded closing down his omni’tool. Kaidan thanked him for the report, and Joker nodded. Kaidan turned to leave and bring the Doctor back in. “Kaidan,” Joker’s voice was a whisper and he turned to look at the pilot. “I’m sorry,” His voice broke when he spoke and Kaidan just shook his head and moved back to the cot he was resting on with a sigh.

Kaidan swallowed the emotion and scrubbed his hands over his face, he couldn’t break down now, not in front of Joker. He thought back to Joker’s response after Ashley’s death, “Don’t do that to her,” Kaidan’s voice was rougher than he expected, “Taking the blame just cheapens the sacrifice, right?” He asked the pilot, and was surprised when Joker’s eyes filled with tears. “I don’t know who it was, not yet, but we’re going to find them and we’re going to end them,” Kaidan’s voice had gained a hollow strength as he spoke and Joker’s jaw clenched and he nodded. “Now, stop being a dick and let Chakwas help you,” Kaidan ordered and Joker nodded again, closing his eyes.

Kaidan left the tent, and Chakwas entered after him. He went to his own tent as he felt himself breaking. He wanted to believe in what he’d told Joker, but right now, he had to focus on breathing. Which was proving harder than he thought it would.


	39. Chapter 39

It had been one week since the Normandy went down. Kaidan was in his quarters on Arcturus. Sometimes, when it was quiet, he could hear her yelling, “Get the fuck out of here!” He couldn’t stand that those were the last words she said to him. It was late in the morning. Kaidan checked the time as he dressed. He had just over an hour before her funeral. He would be in her Honor Guard. He would have to carry her empty coffin to its resting place. He would have to watch as it was slid into the wall where it would sit forever. It was empty; her body had been burned by it’s entry into Alchera’s atmosphere. At least, that’s what they assumed. No remains had been found. 

He hadn’t seen any of the crew, aside from Chakwas, since the Alliance ships had picked them up the morning after the attack. Chakwas had stopped by a few days after they had arrived at the station to let him know Joker would make a full, but slow, recovery. Kaidan had simply thanked her before closing the door without inviting her in. He was anxious to disconnect. He didn’t want to talk to anyone. He just wanted to sit, and remember. The way she smelled, sounded, and felt. As the reality of her death had settled in, he shut everything off. He didn’t want to think. He didn’t want to feel anything but numb. After awhile, when numbness wasn’t working, he decided he wanted to be angry. He wanted to blame Joker, though, that was unfair. There was no way she would have let any of her crew die if she could help it. Her dedication to her Alliance family had killed her. It took a few days, but eventually he realized he was angry with her; for ordering him away, for sacrificing herself for Joker… for leaving him. It was a day after that he realized he was angry with himself. Joker had disobeyed her and it killed her. Maybe if he had disobeyed her he could have saved her. 

He was staring at his reflection as he finished buttoning the jacket of his Dress Blues. He had gone a few days without shaving, so it had taken him longer than normal to clean himself up. He was startled by the knock at his door. Grumbling, he went to it and was shocked at the person on the other side. Alex Alenko had heard about Shepard’s death, and knew where he needed to be. He’d pulled out his Dress Blues and had taken the first shuttle available to get him to Arcturus before today. “Dad…” Kaidan greeted in a whisper as his father stepped into the room, dropping his bag to the floor just inside the door before closing it behind him. Kaidan felt his resolve start to break. Alex said nothing. He reached out and gripped Kaidan’s shoulder before pulling him into a firm embrace. He felt Kaidan shake as he cried and clung to his father’s stocky frame. Alex hadn’t seen Kaidan like this since he was brought back from BAaT. He barely recognized his own son. Sure, he looked the same; the same color eyes, though they looked haunted, the same mouth, though it was turned down at the corners in a heart wrenching frown. Alex could smell the aftershave, but Kaidan’s face was still covered in the shadows of intense grief.

It was the first time Kaidan had cried. It was the first time he felt safe enough to let the walls down. Once he did, he just couldn’t stop. His father held him tighter, like if he let go, Kaidan would fall apart at the seams. Kaidan gasped through his tears, gulping breaths as he tried in vain to hold himself together. It was a long time before Kaidan felt the tears subsiding and his father released him and then held him and at arm’s length. Kaidan’s eyes flicked to his father’s wet shoulder. Suddenly embarrassed, Kaidan turned away from him and went to the bathroom. He splashed water on his face and blew his nose. Alex turned and looked around the modest quarters. The curtains were drawn and it was dark. There were empty take out containers left out on any flat surface in the room. The air was stagnant, stale and when he turned to move further into the room, he tripped. He looked down and found the boxes Kaidan had shipped from home left in the middle of the floor where they were left. He sighed, and sat on the couch to wait for Kaidan. Which is where Kaidan found him when he came back out of the bathroom. Alex was sitting, his hat in his hands.

“You’re going to be okay,” Alex stated after a silent moment. That’s exactly what it was, too, a statement not a question. He was telling Kaidan that it would get better, easier, that he would survive. “She would want you to be okay,” He added and Kaidan sighed. 

“Yeah,” He answered, his voice hoarse from the tears he’d cried and the ones he was still choking on. “I keep thinking,” He paused and leaned against the desk in the room, looking to his father, “Remember what she said, about her mom and Mindoir, about how everything happens for a reason?” Kaidan asked him and Alex nodded, already knowing where this was going. “Why? What was the reason? So Joker could live? It doesn’t make sense. I can’t wrap my head around it,” Kaidan shook his head and scrubbed his hands over his face, determined not to cry again.

“She also said that she had just recently started figuring out why Mindoir happened. It took her thirteen years, maybe you just can’t see it yet; forest through the tree and what not,” Alex offered and Kaidan rolled his eyes. Alex couldn’t help but be reminded, again, of the seventeen year old Kaidan who had returned from BAaT angry at the world, bitter, and helpless.

“It’s just…” Kaidan started, but stopped, taking a deep shaky breath. What he wanted to say was so childish and simplistic it didn’t seem fitting. Alex urged him to continue, “It’s not fair.” It was a whisper and Kaidan was looking at his feet. His shoes freshly shined. It’s bizarre, the details you remember. He looked up to his dad, “Why would the universe give her to me just to take her away?”

There was no answer Alex could give him, and Kaidan knew that. His wording, though, told his father more than Kaidan thought it would have. So, Kaidan was surprised when his father simply stated, “You were in love with her.” Kaidan felt his control slipping again as he met his father’s eyes. Alex could see it in his grief, and Kaidan had known it in the end, but he had never said it. Why hadn’t he said it? Why hadn’t he shouted it from the rooftops? Kaidan just nodded. He was still in love with her. “You never told her,” His father accused and Kaidan shook his head, his eyes dropping, again, shamefully. Alex sighed softly. 

“Obviously, I didn’t know her as well as you did, and I only saw you together that one night,” Alex said as he stood and went to his son, who was so clearly heartbroken it made Alex’s own chest ache. Considering the state of his quarters, which were normally kept refreshingly, militarily, clean, Alex realized Kaidan had most likely not left this room since they had returned. He sighed before speaking, “One thing was clear to me: she cared a great deal for you,” Kaidan dropped his eyes again, and Alex noticed the tears slipping silently down his face. “You know, I really liked the way she looked at you. Like she was the luckiest woman in Vancouver that night,” He said as he reached out and adjusted the pins on Kaidan’s jacket. Kaidan met his eyes. “She said that night that everything happens for a reason. I can’t believe the reason for this, is for it to break you. Like I said, she cared for you. Grieve, but don’t stop living because she’s gone,” Alex stated and Kaidan nodded as he took a deep breath, steeling himself for the upcoming event. Kaidan wanted to say something, but was afraid that if he did, he would break again. “Let’s go say goodbye,” Alex urged and Kaidan took a deep breath. It was sticky in his mouth, and his throat felt too narrow, and burned, as he pushed the air out. Kaidan stood, placed his hat on his head, and tucked his white gloves into his pockets. He wouldn’t need them until it was time to carry the casket. 

They made their way through the station down towards the site of the ceremony. Kaidan felt like he was walking through molasses. The pins on Alex’s lapel gave his rank, so soldiers were required to stop and salute. What surprised Kaidan was the number of older soldiers who knew his father by name. They reached the site of the ceremony and Kaidan was struck still at the picture being projected behind the podium. It wasn’t a stock file photo. She was smiling and her eyes were bright. Her hair was pulled back but not in a bun and Kaidan noticed that same stray hair sticking out from what was holding it back. His fingers twitched at his side as if they themselves remembered what her hair felt like. As if his fingers had a mind and heart of their own that missed her. He clenched his jaw as the image changed to another stock photo. This one was of her with her crew from Akuze. She looked so young in the picture. He realized how much that one event had changed her. He wondered how he would feel, years from now, looking back on today. He shook those thoughts from his head. He didn’t want to think about spending years without her. The next was her stock photo, with her hard set jaw and fire in her eyes. This was the Shepard he had expected before he’d met her in that shop. He swallowed hard as it flashed back to the first picture he had seen, and he tore his eyes away. 

“Major Alenko,” The deep, gruff voice behind them sounded surprised and they turned to meet and salute Admiral Hackett as he approached. Captain Anderson followed Hackett and came to stand next to Kaidan as his father and Hackett caught up. They had served together, briefly, after Hackett had enlisted. As deeply as Kaidan felt her loss, he could feel the grief coming from the Captain. Kaidan had known Shepard for less than a year. He had loved her maybe since the moment he’d met her, but so had Anderson; and Anderson had known her longer. 

Kaidan looked up to Anderson’s face. It was grim and angry as he stood at a relaxed attention. After a moment, Anderson turned to Kaidan, “How are you holding up, Alenko?” Anderson’s voice was low, and thick with emotion. Kaidan wasn’t sure how to answer. He couldn’t be completely honest, it would sound obnoxious to Anderson, and he knew that.

“As well as can be expected,” Was his answer and Anderson nodded. Kaidan was about to speak again, and Anderson interrupted him.

“I’ve heard a lot of great things about how you handled everything after the crash,” Anderson stated as he turned and faced Kaidan fully. Kaidan turned as well, and he could feel the surprise on his features. “She would have been proud of you, Lieutenant,” Anderson complimented him, and Kaidan coughed to hold back the tears prickling behind his eyes. 

“Thank you, Sir. I certainly hope so,” He answered as they were joined by Alex and Hackett. Hackett indicated that it was time. Kaidan made brief eye contact with his dad. Alex was surprised to see the anxiety in Kaidan’s eyes. His father just stood a little straighter and nodded slightly. Kaidan turned and followed Anderson as he pulled on his gloves. 

The casket was draped with the Alliance flag, and that was the last thing Kaidan let himself notice. He focused on his steps. They had to be perfect. He focused on the too light weight of the empty box that was supposed to hold her. He focused on his breathing, slow and steady as the horns sounded their sad song. They let the casket rest at the front of the room, snapped to attention, and saluted. They waited to be dismissed before marching to their seats.

People spoke. Kaidan heard nothing. He kept his eyes forward, and his jaw clenched as if he was holding back his tears behind his closed teeth. His mind drifted to just a few weeks ago, when they had gathered in a similar fashion, and spoke about her and her unlimited potential. Now, they were gathered again, saying goodbye. It was simply unbelievable. He was surprised that Tevos had attended. The Asari Councilor even opted to speak on behalf of the Council. He imagined that Shepard was here, and this was a ceremony for someone else. She would be huffing and rolling her eyes. Itching in her blues, and anxious to get them off. He sighed and closed his eyes, dropping his head for a moment. 

He let the words float over him and focused on everything else. The sounds of the station. The way the seat was cutting into the back of his thighs. The discomfort he felt as the shoes he had on squeezed his feet too tight. He missed his boots. His collar itched and he struggled to sit still. After nearly an hour of focused avoidance, the ceremony was coming to an end. Kaidan, Anderson, and the rest of the Honor Guard stood and moved to the casket. Kaidan swallowed hard and blinked quickly. They lifted the casket on Anderson’s order, and carried it towards her spot in the mausoleum. 

When they let the casket rest on the stand, they lifted the flag, and folded it in the traditional triangle. There was no one to present it to. Instead, Anderson handed it to Hackett. Kaidan noticed Anderson’s hands tremble just slightly as he held it out. It was the only outward sign of the Councilor’s own grief. Kaidan wondered absently where it would end up, but something told him Anderson would have it in the end. He turned his eyes to the glistening brown casket. It was so simple, plain, and not enough for her. He was chewing the inside of his cheek, and he felt his breathing picking up. 

They saluted, holding their stance as the twenty-one gun salute rang out. Kaidan struggled not to flinch at each resounding crack. They echoed through the station, making noise and bringing attention to the ceremony. When it ended, a lone trumpet sounded: TAPS. Kaidan felt himself losing the battle against his emotions, but it was okay. There were few people in the military who could make it through the sad melody without their eyes blurring. He took a few deep, slow breaths. He closed his eyes and saw her smiling. It was that bright smile that was accompanied by her loud laugh. He felt a tear roll down his face, and it was the only one he let fall. As the somber song ended, they slid the casket into its final resting place before slowly marching away. 

At this point, Kaidan was glad his presence wouldn’t be missed. His father met him near the back of the area. He was staring at the picture still displayed, and he felt it in his chest: The deep ache of knowing she was never coming back. He swallowed audibly and turned with his father. They went back to his quarters. Kaidan went immediately to the bathroom and stripped as quickly as he could, unhooking his amp and setting it on the sink. He closed the port before he stepped into the hot shower. He turned his face up towards the water pouring from the spout and pounding against his flesh. His hands went to the wall in front of himself to support his weight as he leaned into the stream. 

He wept, loud, aching, desperate sobs. Grateful for the water that camouflaged the tears and the noise of the shower that hid the sounds of his grief. He clenched his jaw and his hands fisted. Without thinking, he pulled back and thrust his fist into the shower wall. Once. Twice. Three times. He dropped his head, the water beating at the back of his neck. After another long moment, he opened his eyes. He watched the blood from his torn knuckles as it swirled down the drain at his feet. He cupped the water near his chin and scrubbed his hands over his face. He washed quickly. It was unnecessary; he’d showered that morning but he thought maybe if he scrubbed hard enough he could wash some of the guilt away.

He realized as he stepped out of the shower it was futile. He cursed quietly when he looked at the damage on his knuckles. He wrapped a towel around his waist and ran his hands through his hair, pushing the excess water from it and felt it run down his back. He opened the medicine cabinet in the bathroom and quickly bandaged his hand. He stepped out of the bathroom. His father had changed into his typical khakis and t-shirt. He had cleaned up Kaidan’s living space and opened the windows allowing in the artificial light and fresh air of the station. Kaidan winced. Alex looked at him, his eyes found Kaidan’s face swollen from more than the hot shower. He saw his hand wrapped and sighed. Kaidan said nothing, he squared his shoulders, as if daring his father to reprimand him. Alex knew better. Kaidan turned into his bedroom to dress. 

He met his father in the living area after pulling on shorts and a t-shirt. Alex handed him an open bottle of beer, and they sat on the couch, turning on the vid screen. Alex scanned through the options until he found a hockey game. Kaidan sighed as he leaned back and rested his head on the couch, taking a long pull from his bottle. Alex set his feet on the table in front of him, crossed at the ankle and said nothing. Kaidan looked to his father wondering how it was that he seemed to know exactly what he needed, when he wasn’t even sure. It didn’t matter. He’d never been more grateful for his dad than he was in this moment. Alex turned his head and met his eyes. “Thanks, Dad,” Kaidan whispered and Alex nodded.

“Shh, the game’s on,” Alex said in response gesturing to the screen with his bottle. Kaidan felt a smile tug at the corner of his lips. It was the first time those muscles had worked in a week. Since the morning he’d woken up with Shepard. It felt wrong and instantly his face turned to a grimace and he closed his eyes. He wondered if a time would come when he would think of her and not feel pain.

He hoped not.

His father stayed a few days with him. Kaidan would wake up to his father making breakfast. His father would make plans to get to the gym, go for lunch, or meet up with old friends who were still serving. It wasn’t until Alex’s last day that he realized it had been his father’s way of taking care of him. His way of making sure Kaidan fell into a routine, instead of back into the black hole Alex had found him in. It was Alex’s last day when Kaidan was summoned to Anderson’s office. Kaidan had walked with his father to the docks so he could catch his shuttle back to Earth. They’d embraced, long and hard, Alex slapping him on the back. Kaidan thanked him again and Alex just nodded and made Kaidan promise to come home soon to visit. He promised he would. It was then Kaidan noticed the fear in his father’s face. Yeah, Shepard had died but Kaidan hadn’t taken the time to realize how scared his family would have been when they heard the Normandy had been destroyed. “I’ll be careful, Dad,” He promised and Alex smiled sadly. Alex appreciated the promise, but knew it was nothing that could be promised. 

Kaidan watched his father go, and turned to head towards Anderson’s office. As he looked around, he couldn’t help but feel like someone had turned down the lights. He wondered if they had, or if he just saw things darker now. He sighed deeply as he reached the Councilor’s door. He was invited in and was surprised to see Admiral Hackett there as well. He moved to salute and the formality was waved away. Kaidan glanced quickly around the office and spotted the folded Alliance flag behind him. He sat across from Anderson and next to Hackett, suddenly feeling nervous.

Anderson cleared his throat as he leaned over his desk, his fingertips pressed together in a pyramid before him, “Would it surprise you to know you were being considered for a promotion and eventual command?” 

“Yes, Sir,” He answered, though it was a lie. He had assumed as much, especially when he’d considered the conversations he and Shepard had early in their mission. Anderson chuckled softly and Hackett called him a terrible liar. Kaidan forced a smile, it was still painful to do that naturally. “Well, I assumed but nothing was ever disclosed.” Anderson and Hackett exchanged amused looks. 

“Commander Shepard was quite impressed with you,” Admiral Hackett announced, and Kaidan felt himself flush slightly, the heat rising from his collar. “At the beginning of your mission, with Anderson as Captain, she had been given the task of assessing you and deciding if you would be an appropriate candidate for XO,” Hackett admitted.

“She wrote a glowing recommendation, referencing your professionalism, level head, and skill in battle. She commented on your biotic ability and how easily you blended your tech, biotic, and weapon skills. She also expressed her appreciation for your medic ability and how you managed to watch everyone on the field, to know where they were and what they needed before they knew themselves,” Anderson added, and Kaidan averted his eyes. It was hard to hear what she had thought of him from someone else. She had told him more than once, but the fact that she put it on paper made it more real. It was suddenly more than pillow talk and confidence boosters.

“Between Shepard’s recommendation, and the reports we received regarding your taking command on Alchera, you’re being promoted,” Hackett announced and Kaidan’s eyes shot to his. The man’s grizzled face wore a grin that was somehow at home among the scars. Hackett’s grey eyes sparkled with pride and Kaidan forced another smile. “Congratulations Commander Alenko,” Hackett offered his hand, which Kaidan shook firmly. He looked to Anderson, who was smiling sadly. Anderson held his hand out and Kaidan shook it. His eyes moved to the flag behind the Councilor and he clenched his jaw. 

If it hadn’t been for her review, and her sacrifice, he wouldn’t have gotten the promotion. At least not this quickly. He sighed, and when his eyes landed on her flag he made her a silent promise. He would make her proud. He would make sure her sacrifice was not in vain. He couldn’t bring her back, no matter how much he wanted to. People didn’t come back from the dead. Yet, he could strive to live up to her example, and he would.


	40. Chapter 40

_**Human colony of Horizon; 27 Months after Sloan Shepard’s Death** _

Kaidan stretched in the small bed and looked to the clock. It was still dark in the cramped space he was staying in. The sun wasn’t up yet, but his day was beginning. He went to the kitchen of the standard colony home and prepped the coffeemaker. He drank a large glass of water from the fridge before walking to the small living area. He stretched his arms over his head before bending and touching his toes. Without thinking, he dropped down and started his morning routine. Push-ups, crunches, and pull-ups, followed by a run around the colony’s perimeter; all before his morning coffee. 

As he started his run, he had to admit Horizon was beautiful, and peaceful. Colony life was much different than life on Earth and he was beginning to see the benefits. The sun was just barely starting to rise, and the colonists were waking up. Most ignored him as he passed, a few offered a good morning. The colonists weren’t too keen on the idea of having anyone from the Alliance here, let alone a Commander whose task was to set up defensive towers that no colonist actually wanted. 

He’d already been on Horizon for two months, and he was still unable to calibrate the targeting matrix and it was enough to drive him insane. He had to be missing something, he just wasn’t sure what it could be. It was quite possible, after the message he’d received from Anderson the week earlier he was simply distracted. He let his mind wander as he considered the Councilor’s words. Human colonies were being attacked. Entire colonial populations were disappearing with no sign of violence. The belief was that Cerberus was behind the attacks on the colonies, though motive was still a mystery. Anderson was convinced Horizon would be next, just taking into consideration location and population. 

Kaidan enjoyed the pounding of his feet on the dirt as the sun broke over the colony. A thin coating of sweat had broke out over his skin as he ran, and the air brushing over him was refreshing. He tried not to think about the other part of Anderson’s letter. The part that referenced the rumors. Rumors that Sloan hadn’t died, and that she was working with Cerberus. He simply couldn’t believe it, it was absurd. She had died in space over Alchera more than two years ago. He had been to her funeral. He had loved her, and though she had never said it… Well, at the very least he knew she cared about him and he couldn’t believe she wouldn’t have contacted him if she were alive. He spent two years grieving, and trying to let go. 

He’d even tried dating. Well, that was a stretch. Some of his buddies on Arcturus had convinced him to go out with a Doctor friend on the Citadel. She was nice enough, and attractive. She had rich, auburn hair and bright, happy green eyes. Her skin was fair, and her thin lips stretched pleasantly over bright white teeth when she smiled. Even in heels, she was a bit shorter than him, and he could see why his friends insisted he go out with her. She had curves in all the right places and she knew how to wear a dress. They’d had a good time together, enjoyed their conversation over their meal. He’d even genuinely laughed with her. 

He had politely ignored the flirtatious comments she had dropped his way. The hints that she was looking for more than dinner fell on deaf ears. When she reached out and trailed a finger over the back of his hand, he’d used that hand to lift his glass of wine. He was having a pleasant time, but it was missing something. There was no rush in his veins. There was no pounding in his chest. He wasn’t pleasantly nervous and lightheaded. It felt hollow. He found he was grateful when the waiter brought the check and he quickly handed over his credit chit to pay the tab. 

When he walked her out of the restaurant, it was later than he had thought it would be. “This was fun,” He commented, and she nodded as she let a sound of agreement slip through her smiling lips. When he felt her hand brush against his, he tucked his in his pockets. They reached the console and called her shuttle before she turned towards him. He rocked nervously on the balls of his feet. She looked up at him through her eyelashes, and bit her lip. She reached out and her fingers toyed with the buttons of his shirt just over his belly button. He’d swallowed hard and barely heard her when she asked if he wanted to share a cab. He seriously considered it. It was clear what she wanted, and Kaidan knew he could go home with her and enjoy himself. He smiled politely, and covered her hand with his removing it from his shirt. 

“Actually, Arianna, I’m heading the other way,” He squeezed her hand briefly, and she dropped her eyes to her feet as a blush that was not unpleasant spread over her cheeks. He mentally kicked himself. What was he holding out for? Shepard was gone, and Arianna was nice enough. “I would like to do this again sometime, though, if you’d like,” He offered and she looked up at him and smiled brightly. He forced a grin, and with her hand still in his, he leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to her cheek. She had leaned into him at the contact and he had to force himself not to pull away too quickly. She was smiling, and blushing, when the shuttle pulled up. He helped her inside and closed the door for her. He watched it pull away before turning. 

He shipped out shortly after, and never called her. That was almost a year ago. It wasn’t one of his proudest moments, but he didn’t see the point in trying to force something that wasn’t there. He reached his temporary quarters and stretched before starting the coffee maker and getting into his shower. He had fallen into a nice routine here on Horizon, and though the people were resistant to him and his work, he was beginning to care for them. The thought of Cerberus bringing ships here to abduct them enraged him. Cerberus was a group who claimed to want to protect and promote humanity, why would they be decimating whole populations? It was another reason Kaidan could not believe Shepard would be working with them. Violence towards colonies was not something she handled well, and was not something she would stand for, let alone assist with. 

He finished his shower and dressed quickly in his BDUs before pouring his coffee and making himself breakfast. He ate quickly while reading over the messages that came in for him over night, and replied to the messages that required it. He stood, dropped his dishes in the sink and left his quarters to start his day. He went to the center of the colony where the defensive towers were set up and immediately got to work. 

He heard soft footfalls after working for a few hours, and glanced to his left. He saw a pair of brown boots with blue jeans hugging slender calves. He chuckled and slid out from beneath the tower. “Morning, Lilith,” He offered as he looked up to her face. The sun was shining brightly in the sky behind her, and all he could make out was the shadow of where she was standing.

“Good afternoon, Commander,” She corrected him and Kaidan’s eyes widened as he checked his omni-tool. He shook his head, sure enough, it was well passed noon and once again he’d missed lunch. He was surprised his stomach hadn’t reminded him. She held up a bag, “You forgot to eat again, didn’t you?” She asked him and he laughed as she held her hand out to him. She pulled him to his feet and they walked around a corner towards a table. “Have you had any headaches?” She asked him as they sat and she pulled the food from the bag. She was the colony’s medic and he had gone to her a few weeks ago requesting the meds from Dr. Chakwas’s cocktail. 

She had been surprised by the strength of the meds he was requesting, but thankfully she hadn’t questioned it. She medicated him, and insisted he stay in the clinic overnight. He wanted to argue, but didn’t have the energy. He curled up in a ball and let the medication put him to sleep. He’d woken up the next morning, as refreshed as he could be. Thankfully, she let him eat before she started with the third degree. He’d filled her in on his migraines and she’d listened intently. She made him promise to come to her in the future, and not to wait until it got that bad. He agreed, and when she smiled at him he felt an uncomfortably familiar warmth in his chest. 

“Not lately, no,” He answered, and lifted the sandwich she’d brought for him. They ate together in companionable silence. There weren’t many on Horizon who were friendly with him, and he appreciated her kindness. He opened his mouth to say as much when they were interrupted by Delan.

The mechanic rushed up to the table and glared at Kaidan before speaking, “Lilith, communications are down. We need your help,” He announced and she nodded.

“Did something happen?” Kaidan asked as he wiped his mouth with a napkin and looked up at him. He suspected his tech skills would be able to help with the issue, and wanted them to know he was available to help. 

Delan scowled at him, “It’s colony business. You just mind your towers and get the hell out of here as soon as possible.” Kaidan nodded and dropped his eyes to the table. It was frustrating. He was here, and he had the skills to help, but people like Delan were too focused on their hatred of the Alliance to accept the assistance. 

“I’ll be right over, Delan,” She announced and Delan glared at Kaidan for another moment before walking away, muttering under his breath. Kaidan looked back up to her, and they shared a laugh. It was par for the course with Delan. “If I can’t get it up and running…” She paused and he smiled, and promised to help if she needed it. Together they stood and cleared their table. They fell into step with each other as they walked back towards the center of the colony. “Though, I don’t know how much help you’ll be if you can’t even calibrate the targeting matrix on the defense towers,” She answered, the teasing tone in her voice made Kaidan laugh. 

“Ouch,” He added, and she giggled. It was soft, and feminine, and Kaidan liked it. It was surprising, but her genuine kindness and the ease he felt in her company warmed him to her. “Seriously, though, the towers are useless if we can’t get it figured out.”

“Sorry, Commander, but getting our comm systems back on line takes priority,” She answered, glancing at him out of the corner of her eye. He stopped and sighed, rubbing the back of his neck.

“It’s Kaidan, Lilith, please,” He asked and she blushed looking to her feet without saying anything. He sighed, “Yeah, alright. I guess I should be grateful they haven’t tried to blame comms going down on me yet.” He said, the frustration plain in his voice and she looked up at him, her eyes gentle.

“People out here don’t trust the Alliance,” She took a step closer to him, and he was surprised when she reached out and touched his forearm. “It’s nothing personal,” Her promise was quiet, and he recognized the look in her eye. He hadn’t seen it in a long time, and he was glad the sight pleased him more than anything else. He was about to thank her again for bringing him lunch when he noticed her eyes move over his shoulder. 

He turned and saw an enormous ship entering the planet’s atmosphere. It was following a cloud of something, they looked like birds but moved in an odd way. He lifted his pistol and used the scope to get a better look. “Get everyone to the safe house,” He ordered, and he could feel Lilith’s fearful gaze on him. He turned and looked at her, “Now! I’ll cover you!” He said, his tone more forceful. He shot off a couple of rounds into the cloud of bird size flying insects before he was stung. He felt the sharp stab in the back of his neck, and pulled it off of him and threw it to the ground. 

He felt the strangest sensation. It was like he was suddenly walking through water, which thickened to molasses. Then, he couldn’t move at all. Like the ancient bugs trapped forever in amber, he was frozen in place by some outside force. He could hear, though it was muffled. He could see, but he couldn’t move more than his eyes. He tried to focus, tried to flare, anything to break the hold on him. It was futile. He panicked deep inside as he realized this was the beginning of the attack and he was helpless to stop it. A lot of good his presence was going to do.

It seemed like hours passed, he wasn’t entirely sure how long it had been. Eventually, the force holding him eased and he fell to his hands and knees. He could hear gunfire near the center of the colony and he took off running. He was just a few feet away and he heard Delan yelling, begging for whoever he was talking to, to do something. “What the fuck do you want me to do?” He heard her snap and he stopped dead in his tracks. At the sound of that voice, he was fairly certain his heart stopped heating. He felt the bile burning in the back of his throat. It couldn’t be… “Where the fuck were you? Hiding in your bunker?” She continued to yell. He started walking again, slower this time. Forcing his feet to move, one in front of the other. His head felt fuzzy. 

“If it weren’t for Shepard you would have lost the whole colony,” The familiar two-toned voice rang out, and Kaidan paused again. He reached out and braced himself on the crates near by. 

“Shepard? I know that name, you’re some kind of big Alliance hero…” Delan accused as Kaidan continued walking towards them. He saw her before she saw him. It was like, all of a sudden, everything was moving in slow motion. 

He rounded the corner, and said her name, “Commander Shepard,” She turned to look at him, and he took in everything about her as his heart thundered in his chest. His extremities were tingling with the desire to touch her, hold her, and confirm she was real. He noticed the relief as it washed over her face. Her lip trembled slightly, and her hand twitched towards him as a small smile graced her familiar full lips. He tore his eyes from her, and looked to the irate mechanic, “You’re standing in front of a legend, Delan,” His eyes moved to her again, and he met her cool gaze. “And a ghost.”

“All the good people we lost and you get left behind,” Delan grumbled, “Figures… screw this… I’m done with you Alliance types.” He threw his hands up and walked away. Kaidan looked over the group she had with her. It was Garrus he had heard, he’d thought so. He took note of the intense scarring on one side of the Turian’s face and absently wondered what happened to him. He noticed Garrus was standing in his spot behind her and slightly to the right. He felt an irrational pang of jealousy at the sight of the Turian. Why had she contacted Garrus and not him? To her left was an … interesting character, to put it mildly. The woman was bald, and aside from the tattoos covering her flesh she was wearing little else; green khaki pants, black combat boots, and the only thing covering her top half were strategically placed suspenders and leather straps. 

His eyes moved back to her. She was staring at him intently. Her hands opening and closing at her sides. He took a few steps closer. It was absolutely impossible. He could feel his breathing increase as he stared at her. His eyes moved over her face, drinking in every curve and angle. Her cheeks flushed under his gaze, her lip pinched between her teeth. It was all so familiar, so Sloan. He’d thought he remembered what she looked like, but with her standing in front of him the memories seemed dim and clouded. He took another step closer and it was then he noticed what was missing. Her skin was perfect, flawless, and her eyes had lost their warmth. There was no hum of her biotics as he neared her. He watched her swallow hard. She took a step closer to him, and his breath hitched in his throat. Her hand reached up hesitantly and her fingertips touched his cheek. 

Her touch was warm.

He stepped back out of her reach and her arm fell to her side as he glared at her. “You want to tell me what’s going on here?” He asked, his voice hard and his brow creased as he demanded an answer. 

She ignored his question as her eyes moved over his face, her hands clenched at her sides. “Are you-are you alright?” He was surprised by her the concern in her tone, and more confused than he could remember being. 

“I’m fine,” He answered sharply. “What are you doing here?” He was still trying to grasp the reality of her presence. She was supposed to be dead, not standing in front of him, looking at him with soft, concerned eyes. 

“I – what?” She asked and he was put off by the confusion in her tone. 

“You were declared dead. Do you know what that did to your crew? To Anderson? To me?” He snapped, his eyes dark with pain and anger. 

She winced slightly before continuing with an unusual desperation in her voice, “Maybe I was, I don’t know. I wasn’t conscious. I was in some kind of coma, or something, while I recovered. I don’t really understand all of it but then the Collectors started abducting human colonies. So, Cerberus woke me up so I could take care of it, since the Alliance and the Council are turning a blind eye, again.”

“Cerberus?” He asked her, looking to Garrus and the woman behind her with wide eyes as he took another step away from her. “You betrayed the Alliance, you betrayed me, for Cerberus?” He snapped, wishing the hurt wasn’t so plain in his voice.

He watched as the intimate nuances of her gaze slid away and were replaced by the cold, hard glare of the Commander he had once known. Her eyes narrowed at him, her lips drawn in a tight line. “Betrayed? I haven’t betrayed anyone. The Alliance declared me dead. The Council smeared my name. Cerberus gave me a ship, a crew, and supplies to take care of a problem. So that’s what I’m doing... I’m saving the galaxy,” She argued, throwing her arms out wide at her sides. Her tone laced with her irritation. Her arms dropped against her thighs as she continued, “It’s what I do.” 

“Bullshit,” He snapped. He stared at her, still unable to believe she was really standing in front of him. She glanced over her shoulder at the tattooed woman, and then looked back to Kaidan. He felt the anger boil over as his feet seemed to move, bringing him closer to her, without his decision to do so. She gave no ground as he invaded her space. She just tilted her head back to keep her eyes on his. “I deserve more than this. I deserve an explanation, Shepard,” His eyes were locked on hers, begging for her to make it make sense to him. She stood silent, with her arms crossed over her chest. “You have to give me more than that. Goddamn it, I loved you,” For a second he saw the surprise in her eyes at his admission. It was gone almost before he saw it, her walls were up, high and wide. His head was reeling. He felt numb, and anxious. She looked away from him then, and his chest heaved as he waited for her to respond.

“No, I don’t,” She replied simply, shrugging, “All I have to do, is stop these attacks. You can either come with me, or not. I don’t have time for this,” She turned her eyes back to him as she gestured between them with one hand, her voice was cold and disconnected. He tried to remember the way she sounded before. When she was lying next to him, with her head on his chest, speaking soft and low. It was so far away, and now even those memories were tainted by the ice in her voice.

“Well, I guess that’s it, then,” He answered barely taking a step away from her. He felt dizzy and their eyes stayed locked. Was he really going to walk away from this? The one thing he had wished for over the last two years was right in front of him. As much as he wanted to take it, to indulge, to follow her, it felt wrong. It was wrong. First and foremost, he was an Alliance soldier. He couldn’t understand what Cerberus would have had to do to get her on their side, but she clearly wasn’t the woman he’d fallen in love with. 

“What happened to ‘always’?” She asked in a whisper, the softness of her tone coupled with the naked emotion in her eyes startled him, and he stared at her slack jawed. Her question knocked the wind from his lungs, and for a second he struggled to catch his breath as his eyes narrowed at her.

“The woman I made that promise to is gone,” He answered quietly. Regret danced in his voice as he turned on his heel and walked away form her. Each step a sharp stabbing pain in his core. His hands were clenched at his sides, and he was swallowing hard, repeatedly, as if he were trying to swallow the unanswered questions, the hurt, and the anger back down so he could work. He had to work. He had to take care of what was left of the colony. He had to report to the Alliance.

He heard the shuttle lift off moments later as he reached the safe house. He turned and looked over his shoulder to watch as the shuttle took her away from him. It took her back to Cerberus; back to the enemy and the pain in his chest was as acute as it had been the day she had died. No, the day she had left him. He closed his eyes, forced it down and opened the door before him. In the end, the Collectors had taken roughly half the colonists, Lilith included. He scrubbed his hands over his face as he reached out to the Alliance for back up. He was anxious to get to the Citadel and talk to Anderson. He put the thoughts aside and focused on his work; anything to take his attention from the familiar emptiness that was suddenly screaming from deep inside him.


	41. Chapter 41

“Major Alenko, Sir?”

Kaidan was sitting at the desk in the room he was using as an office for the time being. He was fully engrossed in the report he was writing regarding his unit’s most recent mission. He had taken his division out on a sort of live action training exercise against a local group of mercenaries. He was still trying to get them to work together. He was lucky, in that the group had a mix of tech and biotic skills so his own experience helped immensely; or maybe they were lucky that their teacher and leader had the same skill set; or maybe it wasn’t luck at all and was simply Anderson’s plan from the beginning.

“Excuse me, Major Alenko, Sir?” The Corporal spoke again and Kaidan lifted his eyes to meet the young man’s nervous gaze. 

The promotion was new and, giving truth to the old adage, whenever anyone called him Major Alenko he quite literally thought they were speaking to his father. He knew he was glaring unnecessarily but he was anxious to complete the report so he could get home. “What did you need, Watkins?” He asked quickly. His student seemed to relax once Kaidan actually responded to him. 

“This came in for you. It was marked urgent,” He answered and Kaidan accepted the data pads with a nod. He asked if there was anything else, and the young man said no. Kaidan nodded and the Corporal saluted before turning and leaving the room. Kaidan turned his eyes down to the pad delivered and opened the document. It was a summons, and he cursed. He had been expecting and dreading this in equal measures. 

Sloan Shepard was being tried as a war criminal and he was being ordered to the Citadel to testify on his experience with the Reapers. His heart thundered in his chest as he read over the order. She had reappeared on the scene about a year ago, and rumor had it she was working for Cerberus. At first, Kaidan hadn’t believed it. She had died and people didn’t come back from the dead. He dropped the pad to his desk and leaned back on his chair as he scrubbed his hands over his face. He could feel the beginnings of a migraine approaching and he had suddenly lost his desire to get his work done. He packed up his bag, and slung it over his shoulder before leaving and heading to his Alliance supplied apartment. 

As he walked the streets of the crowded city, his mind wandered. Three years ago, at this time, Sloan and he had been wrapped up in each other in a hotel room in Vancouver. Even now, when he thought back on their time together, he remembered all of it like it was yesterday. The way she smelled, the way her skin felt in his hands, they way she sounded when she said his name. He forced the memories from his head as he felt the anger start to burn in his chest again. 

He had done a lot of things to try to forget her. He had spent two years trying to move on after she had died. He took every high risk, self-proclaimed suicide mission, every sure-fire failure had his name on it. Somehow, none of them had failed. He had survived and each mission had succeeded. Anderson had come to him after about two years and called him out on his irresponsible behavior. The Councilor had insisted it was in Kaidan’s best interest to take some time away from the Alliance proper and try to get the relationship between Horizon and the Alliance back where it needed to be. It had been clear to Kaidan that Anderson suspected Kaidan was being reckless intentionally. That wasn’t entirely true, he needed the challenge the missions provided. In a strange way, with the bullets flying, his biotics buzzing, and his omni-tool heating from overuse, he could almost feel Shepard with him. 

Anderson could be pretty persuasive when he wanted to be, and he really wanted Kaidan on Horizon. Later events on the colony led him to believe Anderson had known Shepard was alive. Kaidan believed Anderson had known Shepard was working with Cerberus, and that her work would bring her to Horizon. Horizon had been the site of their reunion. He used the term reunion lightly. It had been a disaster. He hadn’t seen her since then. Though, they had exchanged one message each. He still had the message from her saved in his files. He also had every word memorized. 

He reached the apartment and let himself inside. He dropped his bag to the floor and went to the kitchen area to reheat some left over take out. Once it was warm, he went to the couch. He left the curtains closed and toed off his boots before sitting. Along with the summons, he’d received copies of all Shepard’s reports from her time with Cerberus. He had about a year’s worth of reading to do, and he figured now was a good time to start. 

The first document was a description of when she woke on the Cerberus station, written with military precision. No emotional reactions to the events, no personal touches. It was cold, calculated. It was Commander Shepard. The station’s security mechs had been hijacked and were attacking the station. It was with the help of the genetically engineered scientist Miranda Lawson, and the ex-Alliance soldier turned mercenary Jacob Taylor, that she had been able to escape. He didn’t have any of her medical records, he wasn’t even sure she had access to them. He didn’t know if he wanted to see them. According to her report, Cerberus had brought her back to deal with the human colonies that were disappearing. Kaidan had to agree that the Alliance hadn’t done as much as they should have to deal with them, and the Council had flat out ignored the issue. However, that was par for the course. 

The next report detailed their search of the colony Freedom’s Progress. They had arrived before the Alliance ships. They found nothing different than the other colonies. It was as if the people vanished without warning. In the middle of dinner, from their beds, from their living rooms in front of their vid screens. There was no sign of a struggle. They had simply disappeared. It was on Freedom’s Progress that Shepard had run into Tali. The Quarian was there to pick up one of her own who had been there on his pilgrimage. She had offered Tali a spot on her crew, which she had to turn down. This was when they had finally been able to name the attackers: The Collectors. The Collectors are a race of aliens that live beyond the Omega 4 Relay. The Relay itself was too dangerous to use. Any ships that attempted, never returned. The report ended with her having agreed to work with Cerberus until the colonies were safe again, but then she was cutting ties. Kaidan wondered how free she would have been to leave after Cerberus spent four billion credits to bring her back.

Then, she spoke of the new ship – The Normandy SR-2. Meeting Joker, and reuniting with Dr. Chakwas. Kaidan had known that shortly after the Alliance had grounded Jeff, he had fallen off the grid. Rumor had been that he was with Cerberus, but Kaidan didn’t want to believe it. Dr. Chakwas, on the other hand, had taken a proper leave of absence from the Alliance, so technically, she had done nothing wrong. Which was now a pain for the Alliance; they didn’t know what to do with her. Kaidan was glad she had been there for Shepard. 

The next report gave a very professional description of a meeting with Anderson, and explained that her Spectre status had been reinstated. He paused in his reading and wondered how that meeting had actually gone. The timing of this meeting confirmed his suspicions: that Anderson had known Shepard was alive when he sent him to Horizon. He wondered how Anderson had handled the reappearance of his protégé, the girl he had loved like a sister. He bet the Councilor had handled it better than he had. During his time on the first Normandy, Shepard would seek him out to go over the missions and he had learned a lot about her through those conversations. Kaidan felt himself missing the personal aspects of her reports. He sighed and continued. 

While on the Citadel, she had recruited the notorious thief Kasumi Goto, her dossier followed: “Goto is an expert on sabotage, infiltration, extraction, property acquisition, stealth, and agile combat.” Kaidan had heard of her, very few people with authority in Citadel space hadn’t heard of her. She was a well known thief, though no one could give a description. Shepard did not give a description of the thief, but did comment on her tech, and infiltration skills, stating the only soldier she knew who was near her caliber was Kaidan Alenko. He paused at her statement, and felt himself flush. 

He moved on to the next report. It took her to Omega. She recruited the mercenary Zaeed Massani. The fact that she was desperate enough to work with that ruthless of a bounty hunter made his skin crawl. How hopeless had she deemed this mission? He swallowed hard as she briefly detailed their meeting, simply a pick up, before she headed deeper into the station. Kasumi and Jacob at her side. 

Their next stop was a brief meeting with Aria T’Loak, the de facto ruler of Omega. Also known as the "Pirate Queen" of Omega, Aria is fiercely possessive of the space station and will do anything to protect it and maintain her dominance. The report didn’t speak too much about their meeting, just that it was an exchanging of names and Aria had provided her some information on those Shepard was looking for on the station: A Salarian scientist named Mordin Solus, and a mercenary commander named Archangel.

The report continued to describe the steps she had taken further into the station to find the scientist. There had been a plague running rampant through Omega, and the scientist was working to create a cure. The report detailed her activity in helping the doctor eradicate the plague in order to secure his assistance on her mission. He was wanted for the mission because it was believed that his work would help them in countering the Collector attacks, when Kaidan thought back to Horizon, he had the feeling Mordin had been successful. 

Once they had cemented the support of the scientist, they had moved on to finding Archangel. Kaidan had heard of Archangel. The vigilante was responsible for cleaning up some of Omega’s more ruthless bad guys. It was one of those situations where, sure, he was committing a crime, but would anyone miss those he was taking out? He was helping the situation more than anything else. So, the law looked the other way – not that there was a prominent law presence on Omega anyway. 

According to Shepard’s report, three of the largest, toughest gangs on Omega were all gunning for Archangel and had him cornered in a building as they attempted to wait him out. There was a bridge that served as the only access to the high rise he was trapped in. He was slowly picking off their troops from his spot near the roof as they tried to get closer to him. In order to get in close enough, Shepard, Jacob, and Kasumi had gone under cover as guns for hire with the gangs. She had managed to sabotage some of the gang’s offensive plans. She played with the programming on one of their larger mechs so it wouldn’t recognize friend from foe. She also took out the mechanic working on one of their airships so it wasn’t repaired in time. Kaidan chuckled and continued to read as he shifted on the couch. 

He was surprised when she reported that Archangel was none other than Garrus Vakarian. He could almost sense the relief, even in her report, at having someone else with her she could trust. Someone to stand by her side, Kaidan swallowed the guilt that rose up when he thought of the way Garrus had looked at him on Horizon. He sighed and continued reading. They had managed to get Garrus out of the building he was holed up in, but he had sustained severe injuries which left him with massive scarring on one side of his face. Kaidan remembered seeing the scars and wondering what had happened when he saw them on Horizon. 

He found himself wishing he could just call her, and talk to her about all of this. He had never responded to the message she had sent him. She was currently meeting with Hackett to turn over the new Normandy to the Alliance. He had no idea how she would respond to a message from him. He sighed deeply and stretched. He dropped the data pad to the couch next to him and cleaned up his meal. He hadn’t realized how much time had gone by as he read over her words, feeling somehow closer to her than he had in years, just knowing it was her who put the words down. He took the pad into the bedroom and stripped to his boxers before climbing into his bed.

He flipped to the next report, unable to stop himself from following along on her journey. The next dossier she was scheduled to pick up was simply titled: The Convict. Kaidan shifted nervously as he read over the document: “Jack is rumored to be the most powerful human biotic ever encountered. Very little additional data regarding Jack is available, except that the subject has a history of violence and should be approached carefully. Currently, Jack is being held on the Turian prison ship Purgatory. Cerberus has negotiated for the prisoner's release.”

Jack didn’t sound like the type of person one would choose to work with if give the opportunity. He continued on to Shepard’s report. Kaidan knew Purgatory was no longer operational, and he had a feeling it had something to do with Jack. Shepard’s report explained the warden ran the ship with a severe hand and charged the inmates home planet with the financial upkeep for the prisoner. If the planet didn’t pay, the prisoner would be released back on the planet at an unknown time and location. He also disclosed that in order to keep the peace, sometimes he would shoot one of the prisoners off the ship in his pod, never to be retrieved. As they made their way through the ship to collect Jack, they came across some security guards savagely beating an inmate. Shepard was able to talk him into stopping, at least for now.  


When they reached the area they were directed to, it was revealed to be a trap. The Warden had intended to capture Shepard and sell her. Kaidan chuckled as he read her report. The Warden had no idea what he was getting himself into. As he read over the description of the ensuing battle, it was apparent that hell had broke loose. In order to release Jack, Shepard had to release every inmate. Shepard, Kasumi, and Garrus fought their way through the station, eventually killing the Warden and meeting up with Jack near the airlock where the Normandy was docked. Jack had expressed a disinterest in coming with Cerberus until Shepard reminded her – Kaidan took note of the pronoun – the prison was failing and if she stayed she would die. Still, Jack argued, insisting that if she came with she wanted access to Cerberus’s files on her.  


Shepard had agreed without a second thought, and Jack agreed to leave with them. 

There was a note attached to this report, and Kaidan read it repeatedly. It was the first time he had a sense of Sloan in the reporting, and he clung to it. It was simple, “Note: Dossier describes Jack as dangerous and violent. I believe she is greatly misunderstood, and there is a devastating pain in her past. She has a lot of potential as a leader, or teacher, if she could get passed her anger. I feel I will be able to earn her trust and her loyalty beyond this mission. – Shep” Kaidan chuckled to himself, of course she would. She had that ability to make even the craziest mentalities follow her. He sighed and shook his head moving on.  


The next dossier referenced a well known Krogan, Okeer. Kaidan read on and was surprised to learn that Okeer had been cloning full grown Krogan in an attempt to cure the genophage. He was holed up with the Blue Suns Mercenary group, though they weren’t sure why. They landed on the planet, and had attempted to sneak in and speak to Okeer without being detected, but the Blue Suns spotted them before that was an option. It was a full out battle. Apparently, the tank bred Krogan were being used as live target practice for the Blue Suns. Once they learned that, Shepard made it her mission to end this cell.  


She led her team further into the facility, taking out all the Blue Suns operatives while searching for Okeer and the leader of the merc group. From the sound of the report, it was a grueling battle that seemed to last forever. They finally found Okeer. He explained that he has been growing Krogan in trying to create the perfect Krogan. His rejects became an army for the Blue Suns but they were going wild because the leader of the Suns lacks the ability to command them. Okeer declared the one Krogan in the room with him, still in its tank, the perfect Krogan and his legacy. 

As Shepard spoke with Okeer, the leader of the Blue Suns announced over the PA that Okeer released the Krogan, and she began to destroy them. According to the report, Okeer gave the ultimatum, that if Shepard wanted his help, and his knowledge about the Collectors, then she had to kill the leader of the merc group. So she left Okeer with his perfect specimen and chased down the Blue Suns leader. There was another battle, but Shepard and her crew had the benefit of elevation and good cover. They were able to clear the area out, eliminate the leader of the Blue Suns. On their way back to Okeer, alarms sounded that the room with Okeer was filling up with toxins. By the time they returned to the room, it was too late.

Okeer had left a message for Shepard that had started playing on his computer console when he returned. It stated he didn’t know what the Collectors had planned for the human colonists. His final request was for Shepard to protect his legacy, the perfect Krogan soldier. Shepard ordered the Normandy to pick up the tank with the Krogan, leaving Okeer behind. There was another note attached to this report.  


“Note: I opened the tank, much to the dismay of Lawson and EDI. ‘Grunt’ is much more intelligent than I would have expected from a tank bred Krogan. He is fully aware, and functional. He responds well to those he respects and a show of force is not beyond him. I have to admit, I’m glad I had experience with Wrex before meeting Grunt. He seemed impressed when I offered him my hand in a truce with my pistol aimed at his abdomen. He has agreed to fight with me, so long as my enemies continue to prove worthy of his attention. I think between the Collectors, and the Reapers, we should be just fine. – Shep”

Kaidan shook his head, even these notes from her seemed distant and he hated it. He glanced at the time and realized he had read the reports well into the evening and had only covered about two of the eight months she had worked with Cerberus. She had managed to do a lot within a short amount of time. Now, more than ever, he wished he could talk to her. Sit down face to face and really talk to her about everything she had been through. Regardless of the outcome of her trial, he didn’t know if he would ever have the opportunity for that kind of conversation again. With a frustrated sigh, he looked at the next report and cringed. This next report would detail exactly why he may never have the opportunity again. 

He’d reached Horizon. 

He still felt the sting of defeat when he thought back to that day. He had been sent there to save the colony, and he had failed and would have been taken, too, if Shepard had not shown up. They had lost a lot of good people. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know what the Collectors ended up doing with the humans they had taken. Whatever it was, it couldn’t have been pleasant. He read over her report. Mordin had concocted an antidote to the paralyzing agent the collectors used which allowed Shepard and her crew to move through the colony. The colony had been overrun with Collectors and husks, and the Collectors were harvesting the colonists, packing them in cocoon like caskets and taking them to their ship. 

About a third of the way through the colony, Shepard described the moment when one of the lead Collectors would glow, and then speak to her. It disclosed its name: Harbinger. Apparently, Harbinger is a Reaper who resides in dark space with the rest of the Reaper fleet. It is the overseer of the Collectors' operations, frequently possessing individual Collectors to fight battles personally. It knew Shepard by name, and Shepard described the possession as similar to Sovereign’s possession of Saren at the end of the Battle of the Citadel. Kaidan shuddered at the memory.

Shepard and her team cleared out the area and proceeded on. They met up with Delan in his bunker, and it was then that Delan informed her that there was an Alliance Commander on site, and that they were working on the towers. As Kaidan read, he wondered what she would have written about their encounter. She stocked up with weapons and ammo at the bunker and left Delan there to head to the towers. She had reached out to EDI – written like that in the report: EDI - to see if she could hack into the towers to make the necessary corrections to bring them online and put them to use. EDI informed her she would be able to, but she needed Shepard to hack though some of the security to allow her in, and then to guard the towers while she worked. 

Shepard led her team to the towers, and fought off a seemingly unending stream of collectors and husks. Near the end of her report, she describes a new enemy. A Praetorian, a slow-moving flying Collector construction that consists of deformed Husks fused together and armed with dominant particle beams, and protected by a strong barrier and powerful armor. Its attention seemed focused on Shepard, and she turned her acquired Collector weapon against it. Eventually, with the combination of Garrus’s tech, Jack’s biotics, and Shepard’s particle beam, the Praetorian disintegrated and the Collector ship retreated.  


Kaidan dropped the data pad to his lap and closed his eyes with a sigh. That had to be the moment he’d been released from the stasis. He sighed, and tried not to think about the relief, hope, and finally anger that had flashed over her face as they had spoken. Why couldn’t he have just believed her? He still wasn’t sure he understood exactly what had happened to her. It was too much to try to process. He looked back to the report, expecting to see something about her encounter with him. There was nothing. She just stated they left the colony after the Collector ship pulled away. He wasn’t sure what to make of that. After they had left, he had called the Alliance who sent a full outfit to investigate and protect the colony and Kaidan had gone back to the Citadel. 

He sighed and shut down the data pad as he lay back in his bed. He tucked one hand behind his head as his mind wandered. He had gone to the Citadel and went right to Anderson’s office. Kaidan waited while Anderson’s secretary called into the Councilor’s office before allowing him in. He found the Councilor at his desk, and he stood and waited for him to acknowledge his presence. With a deep sigh, Anderson looked up and locked his intense gaze on him. “Alenko, I’m surprised to see you here,” Anderson said and gestured to the seats in front of him.

The statement had caught him off guard, “Sir?”

He nearly squirmed under Anderson’s stare, “What are you doing here, Kaidan?” He asked, and the Councilor’s use of his first name gave him pause. The only time he’d heard him use someone’s first name was with Shepard, and it was when he was speaking to her as David, as her brother and not as her Superior Officer. Kaidan stuttered, and Anderson sighed. “Forget it, I got your report. The colonists have been transported to temporary housing while we complete our investigation. Was there anything else?”

“Did you know?” Kaidan asked simply, and Anderson’s eyes narrowed. 

“Of course,” Anderson snapped bitterly. “I saw her days after Cerberus woke her. She came to me and asked me to save her from them and there was nothing I could do.”

“What do you mean there was nothing you could do? You’re a Councilor that had to be something,” Kaidan snapped his insistence and anger flashed in Anderson’s eyes. In another time, Kaidan would have back down, apologized and promised it wouldn’t happen again. These last few years had changed him.

Anderson glared at him for a long, silent moment before he answered. His face and tone softening, “With Cerberus she has the means to do what we can’t. I can’t force the rest of the Council o agree with me about the threat. We did reinstate her Spectre status, but that was all we could do. If she went to the Alliance, she’d be arrested. She needs them,” He answered and sighed, scrubbing his hands over his face. “It killed me to send her back to them,” He admitted quietly. 

“You sent me to Horizon because you knew she was going there,” Kaidan accused, as his stomach churned. He couldn’t even begin to comprehend the thoughts racing through his mind.

“Yes. I had a suspicion she would be heading there, eventually,” Anderson admitted, leaning back in his seat and crossing his arms over his chest. “I must have misunderstood, never mind,” He said shaking his head and waving his hand. “Your reports are sound and complete, is there anything else you needed before your next assignment?”

“What did you misunderstand?” Kaidan urged, his brow creased. 

Anderson glared at him for a few heated seconds, before dropping his attention to the data on his desk. He’s tone was short and dismissive, “You. Her. I thought…” Anderson’s disappointment was clear in his indifference. “At this point, it doesn’t matter. Was there anything else, Commander?” He asked Kaidan, the informality gone from their meeting.

“No, Sir,” Kaidan answered, his voice thick as he stood and left the office. He grabbed a seat on a bench overlooking the docks. He sent out a few messages; to Garrus, Joker, and Liara. Rumor had it the Asari was working for the Shadow Broker, and he hoped their shared experience would warm her to him enough to get him some answers. He turned his gaze back out to the ships coming and going. He thought about Shepard, the way she was before and he closed his eyes as he felt the heat rise in his chest and he struggled to quiet the buzzing in his ears. Slowly, she morphed before his mind’s eye. Her scars melted away and her eyes turned cold. He was distracted when he heard the alert from his ‘tool.

Liara had responded. She was working on Ilium for the Shadow Broker, she confirmed, but she was currently on the Citadel. She asked him to meet her in person and he agreed. They had set a meeting for the next day. In hindsight, Kaidan wished he’d kept in touch with her since the Normandy went down. Horizon would have gone much differently if he had.


	42. Chapter 42

Kaidan woke not remembering falling asleep the night before. He knew he dreamt disturbing dreams, but thankfully, he couldn’t remember them. He scrubbed his hands over his face and checked the time. He had three hours before he had to catch his shuttle to Vancouver. The trial was scheduled to start the following week, which gave him a few days to settle in at the hotel. Though, he had a few meetings scheduled through the week before the trial started. He would be in Vancouver for at least a month, while the trial ran its course. He stood, set his coffee maker and started his morning routine. While he exercised, his mind ran over the reports he’d read the night before. He replayed Horizon again, he’d lost track of how many times he had lived through that day. He lost count of all the different outcomes that had played themselves out. 

He’d met with Liara the morning following his meeting with Anderson. He’d approached her table at the café while she was speaking into her omni’tool. Her voice was low and menacing, much different from the timid, soft whispers he remembered. “Have you faced an Asari Commando unit before? Few humans have…” He realized she was threatening the person on the other end of her comm. She sounded like… Benezia. It was then Kaidan remembered where he’d heard that threat before. It was the same one Liara’s mother had shot at Shepard on Noveria. That felt like forever ago. “You will pay me what is owed, or I will flay you alive… with my mind.” She disconnected, her eyes were midnight blue and thick with anger when she turned them to him. “Kaidan,” She said his name softly, and it was a stark contrast to the way she’d spoken on her comm as her face softened. He found he was grateful to be on this side of the Asari. 

“Hello, Liara,” He answered and she gestured to the seat across from him and he sat. “Everything alright?” He asked, his eyes flicking to her ‘tool and back to her face. 

She smiled, and Kaidan shivered, “Everything will be fine. One way or another,” She answered and Kaidan dropped it. “I am glad you were able to meet with me. It has been a while,” She commented as the waitress came over and filled their coffee cups. He nodded as he sipped some of the hot beverage. 

“Yeah, it has,” He admitted. He hadn’t spoken to her since they were picked up on Alchera. “How have you been?” He asked, and she smiled softly at him.

“I have been well. Working as an Information Broker on Illium,” She confirmed and he nodded. “Congratulations on your promotion. I admit, I have been following your career. You seem to be doing very well for yourself.” He wasn’t sure exactly how he felt about that, but better someone he knew was watching him instead of some faceless Broker. 

“Thank you. It’s been a lot of work over the last few years, kept me busy,” He played down the promotion, and looked to her eyes. 

She smiled gently, “You deserved it Kaidan, and even Shepard thought so.”

Have you heard the rumors about Shepard?” He asked the question quickly, his eyes searching her face for clues. He found none.

She maintained her eye contact and shifted in her seat, not nervously or uncomfortably, before she asked. “I have heard them, and I can confirm them. She is alive.”

He felt the color drain from his face, “How can you be so sure?”

"Well, let me start by asking if you know how Cerberus obtained Shepard’s remains?” She sipped her tea while she waited for him to answer. 

Kaidan swallowed hard. Her remains. “Truthfully, I wasn’t sure they had,” He admitted, and Liara nodded and pulled up her omni’tool.

“I will tell you, but I have already transferred the documentation for proof,” She answered as her eyes moved back to his face. He heard his ‘tool sound with the message received but he kept his eyes on Liara, waiting for her to continue. “Shortly after the attack on the Normandy, it came to my attention that the Shadow Broker was looking for Shepard’s body to … sell to the Collectors. I knew I could not let that happen. I did not know what the Collectors wanted with her. I was contacted by Cerberus. Cerberus promised that if they had her, they could bring her back,” He watched as her eyes dropped to the table between them. He sensed the conflict she felt, trying to tell if she had done the right thing or not. She sighed before continuing, “I told myself, as I handed her over to them, that I was doing it for her, because they could bring her back… but I just…” She paused again.

“Couldn’t let her go,” Kaidan finished for her. He knew the feeling.

Her eyes were glistening when they met his again, “Yeah, I knew they would use her for their own business but…” Her voice trailed off and she shrugged. Silence filled the space between them. “I don’t know how they did it, Kaidan, but they did.”

“Have you seen her?” He asked her, his voice like gravel as his eyes searched hers. 

“No, but I believe she will be heading to Ilium soon, and I am hoping she will have the time to meet with me,” She admitted and Kaidan nodded. He sipped the coffee before him and he felt Liara’s eyes on him. “Have you seen her?” She asked him quietly. He lifted his eyes to hers, and sighed choosing not to answer her. That was the big question, wasn’t it? Had he seen her or some Cerberus crafted look alike?

“I should get going. Thank you for meeting with me,” He offered as he stood. She gave him a sad smile.

“Of course, Kaidan,” She answered and he nodded and turned on his heel. He felt her eyes on him as he walked away. It was the last time he spoke to anyone from the Normandy. Neither Garrus nor Joker replied to his messages. 

Kaidan finished his workout, and his shower, before packing his bag. He poured his coffee into a travel mug and made his way towards the docks. He didn’t let himself think about Shepard’s reports he had yet to read. He wanted to be able to give them the attention they deserved and his flight to Vancouver would serve as the quiet time he needed to really focus. He was expecting to meet Anderson when he landed for a full debrief. Then he would be having dinner with his parents. They had offered him his old room, but he turned it down. He wanted to stay closer to HQ during this visit. 

Once he was settled in for the long flight, he pulled out the next data pad and continued to read about Shepard’s time with Cerberus. The next report took her to Haestrom, a planet deep in geth-controlled space. The planet’s sun was not behaving the way it should and the solar radiation would kill organics as well as overload shields and Tali had been sent here by the Migrant Fleet to study it. However, the planet was under attack by the geth and that is what Shepard had walked into. 

From her report, it took quite awhile to work their way across the planet. Most of Tali’s team had been killed in the fight. The geth were well fortified and replenishments were being dropped in steadily. Thankfully, Shepard and Garrus’s experience with the geth helped immeasurably in securing Tali, her data, and the remaining member of her crew – a Quarian Commander named Kal’Reeger – and rescuing them from the planet. Kal’Reeger met up with the Migrant Fleet, and attached to the report was the message from the Admiralty Board of the Fleet officially approving Tali’s transfer to the Normandy. 

Kaidan had to wonder how Tali would have reacted to flying under Cerberus’s colors and wished he’d reached out to her at some point. He had no way to know that she would have ended up back on the Normandy. Though, he was glad she had. He had to imagine Shepard appreciated another familiar face on board. He knew he was glad Tali had been there for her. It seemed like with each report he read, each mission Shepard had been on, showed him how desperate she had been. He didn’t have a lot of regrets in his life, but Horizon was certainly moving up in the ranks. 

He glanced around him, the shuttle was nearly full. He was hoping no one would speak to him, so he buried his face back in the data pad and moved on to the next report. The report put them on Illium. There was no mention of Liara, but Kaidan knew Shepard had met with her. Kaidan had received a message from Liara letting him know. Before he pulled up Shepard’s reports from her activity on Illium, he opened the message from Liara. 

_Kaidan –_

_It does not seem possible, I know. Yet, it is true. It is her. I know you have doubts and I understand your reluctance to believe the unbelievable. Obviously, I am not sure what happened between the two of you, but_

_I am hopeful you can work it out. She seems … different. Lost. Alone._

_I believe she needs something, someone, maybe, and it is not me. It never was. Trust her, Kaidan. I am worried._

_\- Liara_

He remembered the way his stomach had rolled when he read her message. How could she have been so sure? He had stared into her eyes on Horizon, and had not been able to see her. No, that wasn’t entirely true. He had looked at her, and tried to see who she was. Two years had gone by, and regardless of anything else, that was two years of change. Of course he wouldn’t have been able to see who she had been. He wasn’t the same, it had been foolish for him to try to see the woman she had been on the Normandy, or in Vancouver. He pulled up the message he had sent to her, and sighed as he read it over.

_Shepard –_

_I’m sorry for the way I reacted on Horizon. I should have taken the time to listen to what you were saying, but none of it seemed real. I spent two years picking up the pieces after the Normandy went down. I spent every day playing out the events of the attack and finding ways I could have saved you. I should have saved you. You were supposed to be in that escape pod with Joker when it landed on Alchera, but you weren’t and I blamed myself._

_It took a long time to move on and let go of the guilt. I’d even let my friends talk me into going out with a doctor on the Citadel. It was nothing serious, just dinner. Honestly, it wasn’t until Horizon that I felt like I was back on my feet. Things were starting to make sense, again. It felt like I had a life, again. Then, I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. I know we joked about you doing the impossible, but coming back from the dead? What was I supposed to believe? That you had died and been resurrected or that you had simply left the Alliance… and left me?_

_I mean, it was real, wasn’t it? What we had? Those weeks in Vancouver… the stolen moments on the Normandy… they meant everything to me. I thought it meant the same to you, but then you were standing there, with Cerberus, and nothing made sense anymore._

_I know two years is a long time, but if you’re still the woman I remember, you’ll stop the Collector attacks and you’ll come back to … the Alliance. When this is over, maybe… I don’t know just… watch yourself. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you again. Don’t trust them, Shepard._

_Be careful._

_\- Kaidan_

He couldn’t bring himself to look at her response. He opened the next report. Her first objective on Illium was to obtain the assistance of the Asari Justicar named Samara. He paused at that. She had worked with a Justicar? A Justicar is an Asari who has given up their families and all worldly possessions aside from weapons and armor. After swearing themselves to the Code of the Justicars, they wander Asari space righting wrongs, as defined by their unwavering code of justice. They are well respected and feared. They’re above the law in Asari space. He was amazed she had the opportunity to work with one. He turned his attention back to the report. 

The Justicar was looking for information on a cargo ship that had left Illium recently and before she would be free to join Shepard she needed the information. In order to obtain the information, Shepard needed to solve the murder of a local businessman. The search took them into the base of a local mercenary group, the Eclipse. Turns out it was a new recruit to the group who had killed the businessman, and in the search they found the information on the cargo ship Samara had been looking for. They returned to her, and she agreed to join Shepard for her mission. There was a note attached to this report. 

“Note: Never did I think I would have the privilege of working with a Justicar, but to have one swear an oath to me… there are no words. I am deeply humbled and hope I prove worthy of the honor. She has expressed an interest in my biotics and we have already had quite the conversation on the ability and how to harness it. It will be an unforgettable experience working with her.”

The Justicar swore an oath to Shepard. She put aside her code and agreed to follow Shepard’s orders. Kaidan couldn’t imagine what that meant to the Asari as a people. It had to be a sight to see. The Justicar on her knee before her, pledging to follow her, had to be mind blowing. He felt the pride in his core as the thought about it, and what it would have meant to her in the middle of everything. When people who should have followed her turned her away, to have Samara promise to follow her had to be reassuring. 

Her next point of interest on Illium was a Drell assassin named Thane Krios. The Drell were a species of omnivorous reptile-like humanoids. Their average lifespan is 85 galactic standard years. Drell appearance is very similar to asari and humans, but their muscle tissue is slightly denser, giving them a wiry strength. They appear to have five fingers on each hand, though the ring and middle fingers are fused. Their skin tone ranges from green to teal and is infused with a venom mild enough to be served in drinks. It has been known to cause mild hallucinations on "oral contact.” He always thought they looked like overgrown lizards with large black eyes. Kaidan read over his attached dossier: “…trained from childhood as an elite assassin, proficient in both long-range sniping kills and close infiltration. He has slowed his activities in recent years but is rumored to have a target on Illium.”

The mention of the Drell sparked a memory and he flipped through some of the other documents from the Alliance, as well as the image search he’d done on the extranet. There were multiple shots of her from her time with Cerberus from security feeds and the like that showed her with Garrus and the Drell. It appeared as if the Drell ended up rounding out her ground team. She must have trusted him a great deal. 

There was one image he was looking for in particular. It was an image of her on Omega. She’d been wearing a short, black dress and tall heels. Her hair had been pulled up off her neck with elegant curls falling to frame her face. Her hand had been tucked into the arm of a sharply dressed Drell. They were headed into Purgatory, the night club on the station. When he found the image, he couldn’t quiet the roar of jealousy that rumbled in his chest. He studied the image for a few long minutes, looking for a clue as to the point of their evening out. He couldn’t imagine it would be a date. It had taken him quite a bit of convincing to get her to go to dinner with him. At the risk of sounding xenophobic, it was hard for him to believe she would be interested in an alien in that way. 

He sighed roughly and forced his attention back to the data pad. Thane was on Illium looking for his mark. In order to find Thane, Shepard was determined to get to his goal first. She fought her way through the Asari’s security forces. She must have been quite paranoid, she’d hired the Eclipse to keep her safe. Eventually, after fighting off the Eclipse, and their mechs, Shepard reached the Asari. In her attempt to convince her she wasn’t here to kill her, she’d distracted her and her guards enough for Thane to drop into the room and complete his job.

She noted that he was ill, and it was terminal, though not contagious. He had decided to come with her on mission because he was dying anyway, and it would be an honorable death. There was a note attached to this report as well. It was the longest note yet, and Kaidan tried to tell himself not to read too much into that. “Note: Thane Krios is an interesting character and I am looking forward to working with him. I was first intrigued when he stopped and prayed over the Asari he’d been paid to kill. At first, I thought he was praying for her. I was surprised when he told me he was praying for himself. He’s spent his life as a weapon, killing for coin, and now in his final days, he is looking for an absolution. I feel somehow honored that this man has chosen to spend this time helping me on this mission. I hope I am able to lead him to the pardon he is searching for. Though, I am doubtful he will find it following me. I am looking forward to speaking with him more, about his thoughts as he approaches death. It seems somehow morbid but he is receptive to my questions and seems to appreciate my take on the afterlife … and my company.”

Kaidan stared at her words for a long time. He couldn’t blame her for moving on, if that’s what she had done. He pushes the thoughts from his mind, he can’t entertain them. He has no claim on her, like a fool, he’d made that clear on Horizon. Though, her response to his message had made it seem like she still cared. He checked the time. He was only halfway to Vancouver. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back. He wanted to call her, she would be there by now. The Normandy turned over to the Alliance. It would be stripped of all things Cerberus and outfitted as an Alliance vessel again. 

Shepard would be under lock and key. He didn’t think she would be in a jail cell, but she would not have her freedom. She would go stir-crazy within days. He wished he could go to her. See her. Talk to her. Goddamn it, he wanted to take her in his arms and tell her she had done the right thing and that everything would be okay. There was no way to know that for sure, though. There was no way to know that everything would work out the way it should. For all he knew, she’d rather have Thane with her. He sighed, scrubbed his hands over his face, and turned his tired eyes back to her reports. 

The next document was another note, “In obtaining the assistance of Samara and Thane, I have finished building my team. No, not my team, not entirely, it’s the team provided for me by The Illusive Man. At this point, we’re still waiting for a lead on the Collectors and their next target. I would rather not wait for them to attack again. I want to hit them at home, and I have said as much to The Illusive Man and he agreed. He states he will look for more information on where they are living. In the meantime, some of the crew members have suggested ways to improve the Normandy’s armor and weaponry, so I will be collecting the raw materials and working with the crew to ensure the ship is in perfect condition for the final push to the Collectors.”

He flipped to the next report and it was dated nearly three months later. That seemed like a long time to just repair and upgrade a ship. He wondered what else she may have been up to in the mean time. The report detailed a conversation between Shepard and “The Illusive Man.” Apparently, The Illusive Man intercepted a distress call from Turian patrol who had come across a Collector ship. The Turians had been wiped out, but not before disabling the Collector vessel. He wanted Shepard to go to the ship and search for a way to get their ship to the Collector homeworld. The ship was disabled but intact, and there was a good chance the Collectors would be making repairs as they spoke. 

They went directly to the ship. Shepard seemed anxious to get moving and wouldn’t wait around now that she had the opportunity. They docked with the ship mere hours later, and instantly set up an uplink with EDI. Kaidan wondered again who EDI was. He assumed EDI was an engineer but was confused by the name. He read on. EDI would mine through the data on the ship for something they could use. The report documented the size of the ship; “massive” was her word choice. EDI had noted that the ship signatures matched those that attacked Horizon. 

Kaidan paused at that. This was the ship that took those he was supposed to protect. This was the ship that took Lilian. Part of him didn’t want to keep reading, the other part, the bigger part, needed to keep reading – needed to know what happened to them. His answer came in Shepard’s next line. They’d come across a pile of bodies, or parts of bodies. The Collectors were running tests on the humans. He felt a wave of nausea when he thought of Lilian’s gentle smile and general kindness. Sighing, he continued reading. Shepard reached the Control Terminal and started to search through the data. EDI informed her that the Collectors were running tests comparing their DNA to that of the humans. When EDI scanned the Collector DNA, she made a startling announcement. The Collectors were the Protheans, but their DNA had been changed. Technically, the Protheans were extinct. This was the future of humanity – to be slaves to the Reapers. 

They continued their way through the ship, and Joker and EDI announced that not only was this the same ship from Horizon – it was the same ship that attacked the Normandy SR-1. Kaidan had the feeling that this was too much to be of a coincidence. What were the odds that the same ship that had been chasing Shepard personally, for over two years, would wind up disabled? As they continued, they came to a large open area with the walls and ceiling filled with pods. The area had more than enough pods to take every human in the Terminus systems without filling them all. Shepard’s conclusion: The Collector’s final goal was Earth. They were going to harvest every human. Shepard noted that EDI scanned and found no signs of life. Kaidan’s heart dropped. All those colonists… dead. 

They reached a main console, and Shepard established a direct link between the ship and EDI. The report states that the ship became active then, while EDI was uploading information and a battle ensued. Collectors and husks came to their area on floating platforms. They had to defend the link long enough for EDI to get all the information. Once the upload was complete, they had to fight their way out. From the sound of the report, it was an intense battle and by the time they reached the shuttle to the Normandy they were out of ammo and were fighting the husks off by hand. Thankfully, they were out of the ship and outside firing range before the ship reached full power. 

He was surprised when he saw the note attached to this report. “Note: Fucker lied to me. Put my crew at risk for some fuckin data. He’d faked the Turian distress signal. He knew the Collector ship was live and would be coming back on. Goddamn it, I can’t wait to be done with that son of a bitch! The good thing is, we have information on the Collector’s IFF – Identify Friend/Foe – and we know where they live. Their homeworld is on the other side of the Omega 4 Relay. We just need to get the IFF and survive the suicide jump through the Relay. The Illusive Man is working on obtaining the IFF while I continue fortifying the ship.”

Kaidan sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. He knew Cerberus couldn’t be trusted. He was just glad she was okay – they were okay. He had never been angrier with someone he had never met as he was with The Illusive Man. No one had ever returned from a trip through the Omega 4 Relay. No one could speak for sure what was on the other side. Though, now that Shepard had returned, apparently she could. Why spend billions of credits to bring her back just to risk her like that? It didn’t make sense. Then again, he was glad he didn’t understand him. It would be disturbing if he could comprehend such a mad man. 

There were only two reports left, he was near the end of her time with Cerberus. He turned to the next report. The Illusive Man had provided coordinates for a derelict Reaper. Kaidan didn’t want to know how he’d found it, the fact that it had been lying there dormant was terrifying. It was caught in the orbit of a brown dwarf star, its drive core keeping it from crashing into the star and being destroyed. There was a Cerberus science team studying the Reaper, but there had been no response recently. Shepard was being sent to check on the team and to obtain the IFF. 

According to the report, the Cerberus ship that was docked with the Reaper was deserted. They were halfway through the ship when the first Husks attacked. The report indicated that based on the lack of staff and the number of husks, the entire Cerberus crew must have been changed. Once they entered the Reaper proper, there were moments they were nearly overrun with husks and something Shepard labeled as Cannibals. The Cannibals seemed to be a combination of Batarian and humans who were changed, and they used the bodies of the fallen as armor. There was a moment when they were nearly overrun and a few shots rang out from over Shepard’s shoulder dropping the nearby husks. 

Who had fired the shot from so far away? There was no note as to where the shot came from. They continued into the ship. Once in the Reaper, its kinetic barriers went up and the only way the Normandy would be able to retrieve them would be to destroy mass effect core, which would cause the Reaper to fall into the brown dwarf. The report stated that they came across a geth when they crossed into the Reaper. The geth wore broken N7 armor and spoke to her by name, calling her Shepard-Commander before walking away. A geth that spoke? That was new, and where would it have gotten the armor? Garrus hacked the console outside the Reaper’s core and obtained the Reaper IFF. Now, all they had to do was disable the core and get off before it crashed into the star.

They entered the core, and were swamped by husks. Luckily, the speaking geth was at the console in the center of the room and turned to take a few shots at the geth giving Shepard the opportunity to flare and gain some ground before the husks swarmed the geth and took it out. Shepard and her crew took care of the husks and worked at destroying the core. Just as it was shutting down, Shepard gave the order to take the geth and abandon the Reaper. They made it to the Normandy, and stowed the geth in the AI Core. She brought the geth? Why would she risk it? They’d spent years fighting geth, and she saved one? Though, it did save her, and spoke to her. 

“Note: I wasn’t sure whether or not to reactivate the geth. Upon closer inspection, it was my old armor it was wearing. It called me by name. I needed to know how it got the armor, how it spoke, why it saved me. I activated it, and I spoke to it. I spoke to a geth. It’s not overtly hostile, and it wished to help me. I asked about my armor, it answered that there was simply a hole that needed a repair. It houses over 1,100 geth programs. It was specifically created after Sovereign – or Nazara as it called it – was defeated with the purpose of interacting with organics. It saved my life. It wants to help. It’s part of my team now. We agreed on the name Legion. It felt it was an appropriate metaphor. Needless to say, The Illusive Man is not happy with my decision to keep it. I couldn’t care less about his happiness. Right now, I just want to get through the Relay and be … done.”

Done? He hadn’t gotten much of her out of her notes, not until this one. She sounded exhausted, resigned, like she’d given up and was okay with it. She must not have expected to return from the Omega 4 Relay. No wonder she had accepted the kind of help she had. She was doing anything she could to ensure success without really expecting to survive. He felt the anxiety rise in his chest. He closed his eyes and reminded himself she had survived. She was alive, and safe in the Alliance’s custody. His eyes opened wide and he looked down at her words on the data pad. 

At some point, over the last two days, he had accepted the truth. It was her, not some clone, or lookalike, or high tech VI. It was Sloan Shepard. She had come back, and he had pushed her away. Again, right now, he wanted to be in front of her. He wanted to look at her, really look at her. He wanted to talk to her, he had so many questions after reading these reports his head was swimming with them. He wanted to go back to the SR-1, above Alchera, and tell her he loved her. He wanted to go back to Horizon, and follow her when she asked him to. He wished he’d been with her through all of this. 

There was one report left, and he was just over an hour out of Vancouver. He turned his attention back to the data pad. This note did not accompany a report, and was dated a few days after the previous report. “Note: They took my crew. While the ground teams were planet side, the Collectors attacked my ship and took my crew. The Normandy is my home. They got away with attacking my home once, they won’t a second time. This is over. Thankfully, Joker was unharmed. We’re heading for the Omega 4 Relay.”

He flipped to the final report. They arrived at the other side of the Omega 4 Relay. The Collector homeworld was revealed to be a large space station orbiting on the edge of a black hole. After surviving a sudden attack by the Collectors' security systems, the Normandy destroyed the Collector Cruiser sent to intercept it, and crash-landed on the Collector Base itself. It was decided that the base must be destroyed to end the Collector threat, Shepard divided her remaining squad into several teams to enter the base and overcome its defenses: Collector troops, husks, and seeker swarms. After fighting their way deep into the base, Shepard and company located the kidnapped Normandy crew, stored alongside thousands of other humans in pods. They discovered that the Collectors were breaking down the human victims into an organic "paste," which is being piped off to another part of the base.

Kaidan tasted the bile in the back of his throat. 

At the base's core, they found a Human-Reaper larva, constructed using thousands of abducted humans. The budding Reaper was destroyed when the feeding tubes that supported it were shattered, causing it to fall into the depths of the base. Then Shepard opened a terminal to re-program the base's systems to overload. As Shepard ordered the team holding back the Collectors at the door to return to the Normandy, a message came in from the Illusive Man. He wanted Shepard to set the reactor to emit a radiation pulse instead of overloading it. This way, instead of the station being destroyed, the Collectors in the base would be killed and the technology left intact for Cerberus to use against the Reapers. 

Against The Illusive Man’s wishes, Shepard set the reactor to overload the systems and destroy the base. However, the Human-Reaper climbed out of the pit and engaged Shepard, Garrus, and Thane. With time running out, they fought back against the Human-Reaper larva, eventually destroying it once and for all. Shepard hurried back to the Normandy with Seeker swarms and Collectors in pursuit. They reached the Normandy with seconds to spare, and raced away from the base as the countdown reached zero. The Base, and the Collectors, were destroyed. Joker took them back through the Omega 4 Relay.

“Note: I spoke with The Illusive Man. I told him I was taking his ship. I’m officially rogue. Practically a pirate, which I think Jack has been waiting for. I have one last favor to complete for Admiral Hackett with the Alliance. Then, I plan on turning myself in. We need to prepare. The Reapers are not going to give up.”

Kaidan sighed. She had been through so much over that time with Cerberus. He hoped he would have an opportunity to speak with her when he arrived in Vancouver, though he doubted that would be a possibility. He closed down the file with the reports. His mind swimming with everything she had accomplished. He opened his message program and searched through the old messages. He found hers. 

_Kaidan –_

_Thank you for your message. You should have listened to me on Horizon, but I didn’t have a lot of information to give. Honestly, I’m still not sure exactly what happened in the two years I was out. There are medical records, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at them. Yes, I wanted you to come with me, but you wouldn’t be the man I knew if you had followed me. I understand that._

_You have to stop blaming yourself for things you had no control over: Ashley, Luna, and the SR-1. You have to stop doing that. You had no control during the attack. I took that away when I gave you the direct order. When you left, you were doing the right thing. Now, stop making me repeat myself._

_Congratulations on your promotion. I know you earned it, and I’m … glad to hear you were able to move on. I’m sorry if my reappearance caused you problems. You know, when I woke up in the med-bay on the Cerberus station, before I realized it was Cerberus, I looked for you. I can’t remember the last time I woke up in a hospital and you weren’t there. At first, I was afraid something had happened to you. I was glad to learn you were okay. I never wanted to hurt you._

_Two years is a long time, yes. I am still the woman you remember. We’ve just returned from our trip through the Omega 4 Relay. I’ve stopped the Collectors. I have one last favor to complete for Hackett, and I will be coming back to the Alliance. Kaidan, I never trusted Cerberus. I trusted their resources, and I used them to get a job done. What else would you have expected from me?_

_I don’t know exactly what will happen once I get back to Arcturus. I did try to contact you. David stonewalled me and I had to be careful with what I said to who on the ship. I had no way of knowing for sure what was being monitored. It has been so hard not knowing who I could trust, not knowing who was watching and when. I’m just glad it’s over._

_I know this all sounds crazy, and I know it’s hard to believe. Those two years didn’t happen for me. So, when I saw you on Horizon, Vancouver was four short months earlier. I don’t know how long it took you to move on from me, from us, but four months was not enough for me._

_Goddamn it, of course it was real._

_\- Shep_


	43. Chapter 43

Kaidan closed his eyes and let his head rest back on his seat. He blamed the vertigo he felt on the gravity shifting as the shuttle came in to port and not the information swimming around in his head. He had already decided to head right to Anderson’s office. While it would be nice to see the Admiral, what he really wanted was to see Shepard. He needed to know what happened with that favor she did for Hackett, it was the last missing piece of her puzzle. He had heard the news: Shepard had taken the Normandy into Batarian space and ended up destroying the Mass Relay, and the system it belonged to – thus exterminating 300,000 Batarians. There was no official report. She had gone in alone and had only spoken to Hackett and Anderson about the events in the Bahak System. 

He was grateful for the opportunity to read over her reports. Though, in the end it added to the gnawing guilt he felt for not joining her when he’d had the opportunity. She had expressed in her message the struggle she felt not knowing who she could trust. He could only imagine how painful that would have been. He was glad she had replied to his message, it gave him hope that maybe she could forgive him for walking away from her on Horizon. He had said some terrible things, he knew that, but when he had said them, he wasn’t sure he was talking to her. Garrus, Tali, and even Liara had been able to just believe when they saw her. They hadn’t been in love with her. They didn’t have to wonder why she would have walked out on them. He sighed as the shuttle came to a stop, and the pilot gave them clearance to depart.

He stood, pulling his bag onto his shoulder as he stepped off the shuttle. He rounded a corner, and stopped in his tracks as his eyes fell on an achingly familiar view. The Normandy was at the next dock, already being repaired. There was severe damage to the hull, large sections were scored with angry black lines, areas were cracked, and her paint scratched. She looked broken. The damage proved to be a visual record of her battles. Kaidan felt the chill trace his spine. The last time he’d seen her so damaged he was in an escape pod as he drifted towards Alchera. He took comfort in the Alliance clad engineers climbing over her hull making repairs and scraping the traitorous Cerberus yellow off her. She looked better in blue.

If the Normandy was here, that meant Shepard was here – in Vancouver. 

He leaned against the railing and let his eyes move over the ship as he thought about Shepard surrendering herself. He knew they would have removed her amp. Removing that piece of equipment was like taking off an arm. Soldiers claim their guns become part of them, but when an amp is removed unwillingly it can leave an empty feeling deep inside. Like a soldier waking up in the hospital missing a limb, knowing something is supposed to be there, but it’s not. He wondered if the person who took it knew how to take care of it. Kaidan knew Shepard spared no expense when it came to her amps. There were so few Biotics in the Alliance he doubted it would be handled properly. Her bags would be searched. She would be scanned. He hoped the MP in charge would be respectful. She would only be allowed minimal personal items. He wondered if they had cuffed her hands or let her walk freely between them. He hoped they’d allowed her that dignity. 

Kaidan opened his ‘tool and sent a message to Anderson requesting a meeting as he turned and made his way towards HQ. He hadn’t spent too much time in Vancouver since Shepard had died – disappeared. He received the response from Anderson almost instantly. He had been waiting his arrival, and Kaidan picked up the pace as he made his way to Anderson’s office. Anderson’s message indicated he had just returned from a trip to Omega, and he wanted Kaidan to meet the Lieutenant he was putting in charge of Shepard’s security. Kaidan was already unimpressed due to the way Anderson had to track the young man down, but Anderson insisted the pairing would be good for both Shepard and the Lieutenant.

He greeted the secretary and she opened the door for him. Anderson looked up to him and nodded his greeting while the burly, deeply tanned marine stood and saluted. Kaidan looked up into the young man’s face. He had an impressive set of scars, and dark haunted eyes. Kaidan let his eyes move over the marine, clearly appraising him. He had probably close to fifty pounds on Kaidan, and a few inches. He was thick, and Kaidan thought maybe his too snug shirt didn’t actually meet Alliance regulations. He returned the salute, and Anderson spoke, “Lieutenant James Vega, Major Kaidan Alenko,” He introduced them as they shook hands. 

“Honor to meet you, Sir,” Vega offered in his deep baritone and Kaidan nodded turning his attention to Anderson. He didn’t miss the flash of frustration on Vega’s face as Kaidan dismissed him briskly. Frankly, he didn’t really care if Vega was disappointed in Kaidan’s reception. He had more pressing matters to attend to than a Lieutenant’s pride. 

“You’re dismissed, Vega. Report back here at noon for your assignment,” Anderson ordered and Vega turned, saluted, and left the room. Kaidan watched him go before sitting across from the Admiral. “Well?” As Kaidan looked over Anderson, he couldn’t help but notice the Admiral seemed more relaxed than he had been in a long time. It was as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. There was a brightness in his eyes, and the usual tension was missing from his face. He looked happy. He had seen Shepard. Kaidan sighed. 

“He’s an ox, but is there anything between his ears?” Kaidan asked. Shepard and he had worked with their fair share of jarheads. If Vega was going to be working closely with Shepard he would have to be more than that, or she would never trust him and he would be ineffective. Kaidan could just imagine Shepard mopping the floor with a guy like that. He knew Anderson, though, and Anderson knew Shepard. Maybe even better than he did. He wouldn’t pick the wrong guy for the job.

Anderson just smiled knowingly, “Most definitely. He’s had it rough the last few months. I know working with Shepard will be good for James. Honestly, I’m hoping Shepard will get something out of it as well.” Anderson knew he needed to have a hand in choosing her security. There were too many, in the Alliance and with the Council, who were angry with her. It was important she stayed safe. Anderson had gone to Omega to collect Vega who had gone off the grid after a failed mission. 

“How is she?” Kaidan asked softly. Anderson had never questioned Kaidan’s relationship with Shepard, but there was no doubt in Kaidan’s mind as Anderson looked through him. He knew it was more than professional. Whether it was from something Shepard had confirmed, or Anderson’s ability to read people Kaidan would never know. 

Anderson tilted his head at him for a moment before speaking, “She’s jaded and anxious. I’m almost glad she’s being forced to take a break,” Concern flashed over Anderson’s face and Kaidan felt it bloom in his chest. What wasn’t he saying? “That’s why I think James will be a good fit. I think he might be able to wake up the leader in her. He will keep her active… give her something to do,” Anderson spoke, and at Anderson’s word choice Kaidan’s eyebrows rose. The Admiral chuckled, “Right now, Vega’s like a wild stallion. He’s full of piss and vinegar. He’s disappointed in himself, and angry with the Alliance. I think having Shepard and Vega in the same place for an extended period of time will do wonders for both of them.”

“Alright,” Kaidan acquiesced. He had to trust Anderson’s judgment. If he was being truthful, he was just angry someone else was going to see her before he would. “I read over all the reports you sent me. What is this favor she was doing for Hackett?” He asked, and Anderson’s eyes dropped to his desk. “Did it have something to do with what happened to the Bahak System?”

Anderson sighed, “Admiral Hackett asked Shepard to infiltrate a Batarian outpost and rescue Dr. Amanda Kenson. Kenson was a deep-cover operative and scientist who claimed to have proof of an imminent Reaper invasion. She was a friend of Hackett’s,” He paused and Kaidan shifted in his seat. He hadn’t missed the past tense. “Shepard went in alone, as Hackett asked, and rescued her from the Batarians. Then after returning her to her own facility it became apparent to Shepard that Kenson and her crew were indoctrinated. Kenson held Shepard hostage for three days and Shepard ended up having to fight her way out of the facility. Kenson was killed in the process, and according to Shepard if she hadn’t let the asteroid destroy the relay, the Reapers would be here already.”

Kaidan let out a low whistle as he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, “And in destroying the Relay, she executed over 300,000 Batarians,” Kaidan added and Anderson nodded.

“When you consider her history—“

“They’re calling for her head,” Kaidan finished his thought and Anderson nodded. “So, Vega’s not keeping her in but—“

“Keeping them out, exactly,” Anderson finished and Kaidan nodded leaning back in his seat. “She’ll be comfortable while she’s here. She won’t be in a cell, but she will be confined to diplomatic quarters until the trial is over. Hopefully, by then, we’ll be able to convince more about the Reaper threat and they’ll realize how valuable she is.”

“Why do I feel like this trial is going to take forever?” Kaidan asked scrubbing his hands over his face. Anderson let out an ironic chuckle.

“The longer it takes, the longer we know she’s safe,” Anderson added and Kaidan snorted, causing the Admiral to laugh. Kaidan let the silence fill the room for a long moment. He cleared his throat before asking if he could see her. Anderson’s gaze softened, and he let out a deep breath. It seemed as if he had been dreading this question. “Kaidan,” Anderson started and Kaidan nearly winced at the patronizing tone in his voice. “You know it’s not a good idea. Your testimony is important to our cause. Over the last three years, you’ve made quite the name for yourself and your testimony will carry a lot of weight. We need all the help we can get,” Kaidan couldn’t help the skepticism that played over his features, and he didn’t miss the annoyance that flashed over Anderson’s. “There can’t be any implication of coercion…” The Admiral paused, and his eyes narrowed as he continued, “or impropriety.”

Kaidan’s eyes dropped from Anderson’s and he felt the tension in his neck as he fought the irrational embarrassment at being called out, even if it was veiled. He sighed quietly and let the silence choke him for another moment before looking up, “Alright,” he answered simply and Anderson glared for another second before nodding. “Is there anything else you need from me?” Kaidan asked, letting the topic drop.

“Just make them see,” Anderson answered moving closer to his desk as he lifted a data pad. Kaidan snorted but stood and waited for Anderson’s official dismissal before he left the room. He could feel the anger rumbling in his core. His frustration was evident in his clenched fists as he made his way through the city to the hotel where he would be staying. Shepard and he had always kept up appearances. There was no reason for Anderson to think him visiting Shepard would set off any alarms. He had been a member of her crew and part of her ground team. He was fairly certain if Garrus wanted to visit he would be allowed. Though, he second guessed himself on that one. It was quite possible Garrus would be considered an accomplice in more than half of Shepard’s supposed crimes.

He reached the hotel and checked in obtaining the code for his room. He shifted, adjusting his bag on his shoulder with a sigh. He was exhausted and looking forward to a hot shower and a long nap. He made his way through the elevator bay, and pushed the call button. It wasn’t until the doors opened in front of him and he stepped inside to push the button for his floor that it hit him. 

This was where he had stayed with Shepard.

He shook his head as waves of memories washed over him, knocking the breath from his lungs. He trudged to his room, dropped his bag to the floor and went directly to the bathroom for his shower. He tried not to think about her. He tried not to remember the way she smelled. He tried to force her smile from his mind. He pretended he couldn’t hear her voice whispering in his ear. He groaned and stopped trying. He leaned forward resting his forehead on the wall. The cool tile a harsh contrast to the scalding water. For the first time since her funeral, he let himself remember her without telling himself he couldn’t have her again. He let himself believe she was back. He let himself hope that she could forgive him. As the hope bloomed in his chest, the pain he had spent years burying burst forward. 

It wasn’t until Kaidan started to shiver that he realized how long he’d been standing in the shower. He washed roughly and quickly. He turned the water off and stepped out, wrapping a large towel around his waist and drying off quickly. He felt heavy as he reached his bed. He climbed in and pulled the covers over his still naked and slightly trembling body, burrowing into the bed with a deep sigh. He fell asleep quickly but he slept fitfully. His dreams filled with distant, vague memories of last time he’d stayed in this hotel.


	44. Chapter 44

Alex Alenko watched as Kaidan made his way back across the café with their coffees in hand. He had to admit, he loved having these mornings with his son over the last six months. It gave him a reason to come into the city, and he enjoyed knowing Kaidan was so close. As Kaidan moved through the crowd at the counter, Alex was amazed at how Kaidan had changed over the last three years. Somehow, Kaidan just seemed larger. Maybe he had broadened, added muscle mass, or maybe his presence simply took up more space. Life experience tended to do that, and you didn't reach Major without experience. Alex knew that first hand.

His eyes moved over Kaidan's face as his son sat across from him handing him his coffee. He still had the same firm jaw, but the angles of his face seemed harsher, his eyes darker. He was startled when he noticed the dusting of gray hairs at Kaidan's temples. He hadn't noticed them before, and it caused an uncomfortable weight in his gut. It's an odd sensation when you see your child aging, really makes you recognize your own mortality. Though, he had to admit. Kaidan is what he is leaving behind. He couldn't be more proud of his legacy.

"What?" Kaidan asked, shifting in his seat at his father's scrutiny. Alex just shook his head and asked what was on his agenda that day. Kaidan sighed and scrubbed his hands over his face as his father took the first sip of his coffee. "Classes. Anderson has me working with a newer group of Biotic recruits. Basic stuff," Kaidan answered around a sigh and Alex nodded.

"Will you see Sloan today?" Alex asked, and Kaidan sighed. Her trial had officially ended a week ago, and they were waiting on a verdict and then a punishment. He was not able to get any information on the direction the trial had taken. He had been asking to see her every day. He had been denied every day. He was getting angry. He was at the point where he was considering breaking in to see her. He was fairly certain he could hack his way passed her security. He just wasn't sure what she would say if he did.

He also wasn't sure just how closely Vega and his team were guarding her. He was fairly certain, in a biotic free fight, the young lieutenant could probably take him. He had done his research on Vega, and was surprised to hear he'd been recommended for N School, and when Kaidan learned the failed mission was his team guarding a colony that had been lost to the Collectors, it made even more sense that Anderson had him with Shepard. "Probably not," Kaidan answered simply.

"Do you have any word on how she's doing?" Alex asked, and Kaidan was moved by the concern in his father's voice. He knew Shepard would be, too.

"They're keeping it all pretty close to the chest but Anderson says she's doing the best she can. She's been petitioning the Committee for a meeting to allow her to go over the proof she has, but they keep denying her. They tell her they saw it all at the trial, and while we wait for the verdict, they don't want their consideration to alter the outcome. Anderson's got a security detail on her, and from what I've heard around HQ, they've been training together. This way she'll be ready to hit the ground running when they finally release her," Kaidan explained before drinking more of his beverage. He wished he'd been training with her. Apparently, her biotics are different now – new implant – and he would have loved the opportunity to work with her. If the kids he's teaching are going to end up with an implant even newer than the L3, he had to be sure his L2 would keep up or he would be ineffective. It would have been good to know how they work, and how the tech will effect their abilities.

Not to mention, she looked amazing when she flared. Her eyes flashing that electric blue, her body sheathed in the glow of the energy, and her mouth split in a triumphant smile. She looked unstoppable, and irresistible. That image led to another, from a much different place than the battlefield. Her body trembling beneath his. Her fingers digging into his back, nails breaking the skin. Her legs wrapped around him as he moved inside her. Her head pushed back into the pillows as she let go, her biotic energy filling the room and tingling against his skin.

He sighed deeply and shifted in his seat.

Alex frowned. He hadn't been asking about how she was doing professionally. It wasn't that he didn't care, he just knew Commander Shepard would be fine. He wanted to know how that sweet girl who had held his son's hand in that bar was doing. It was clear they weren't allowing Kaidan any more than that and he could only imagine how frustrated Kaidan must be. He didn't push, instead he simply nodded, and their conversation switched to Kaidan's mom and his parent's plans for dinner that evening.

Kaidan tried to focus, but he had this nagging feeling, like the prickling of hairs standing on end at the back of his neck. Like something was lurking right around the corner. His father interrupted himself and asked Kaidan what was wrong. Kaidan's eyes met his father's and he was unable to hide the anxiety that was building quickly in his chest. "I think you should skip dinner tonight," He answered, and he could see the question in his father's eyes. "I think you should get to the Orchard," he answered, shifting in his seat again. "Call Aunt Sarah and Uncle Jamie, too. Just… get everyone out of the city," Kaidan's voice sounded distracted even to himself, and his father's features darkened and he leaned forward in his seat.

"You sure?" Alex asked, his voice low.

"No, it's just… a feeling, I guess. Won't hurt and it would be nice if I knew all of you were safe," Kaidan answered, and suddenly it didn't sound like a suggestion. It sounded like an order. Kaidan's omni-tool alerted him to a message and he turned his eyes to the screen.

"Alright, we'll leave first thing in the morning," Alex answered sitting back in his seat and Kaidan nodded absently.

"I've got to get going," Kaidan said looking up and meeting his father's gaze. Kaidan was startled by the fear he saw there. It wasn't fear of the Reapers. It wasn't fear of war. It wasn't fear of death. He had seen that fear in many eyes before. This fear… this was a father's fear. Alex was afraid this would be the last time he saw his son. He'd been to enough military funerals. He didn't know how he would handle it if anything happened to Kaidan. A father was not supposed to bury his son, but he couldn't shake the feeling. It gripped his chest like ice.

Kaidan stood, and Alex followed. Kaidan stepped forward, and his father embraced him tightly. They didn't say anything, Alex just held him for a long moment before slapping him on his back. "Send me a message when you're at the Orchard," Kaidan ordered. "Kiss mom for me," He added and Alex nodded. Alex hated the rushed feeling of the moment as Kaidan grabbed his coffee and turned towards the door. It felt like the world was spinning around him and he couldn't make it stop. He couldn't find purchase; it made him dizzy and he fell back into his seat. Alex opened his 'tool and sent a message to his wife, brother, and sister. He looked out the window, and watched Kaidan rush across the street to HQ. He sent up a prayer. He just wasn't sure if anyone was listening.

Kaidan received the message from his father early the next morning. His father, mother, aunts, uncles, and the cousins that could be convinced were on their way to the family orchard. He breathed a sigh of relief. He hadn't been able to shake that feeling all night and into today. He'd been even more surprised when he received notification from the Defense Committee. They wanted to speak to him. He had to assume one thing. Something was happening, and if they were calling him in, it was related to the Reapers. He wondered, as he dressed, if Shepard would be called in as well.

He made his way quickly to HQ, and the hustle of the building cemented his fears. His steps quickened without him thinking about it as he made his way to the Committee's Chambers. "Major," A young Corporal saluted before leading him to the large room. There was an elevated desk that ran the length of the room with the spots for the Committee members along it. Behind it, a window served as the wall and the view of Vancouver was stunning. It was a bright, sunny summer morning.

They confirmed his suspicions. There was something approaching on the long range scanners. The cold fear hit his stomach hard. Admiral Hackett was mobilizing the fleet. There was only one thing it could be.  
The Reapers were here.

Where was Shepard?

They spent the next forty-five minutes grilling him on the Reapers – again. It was like the last six months condensed into three quarters of an hour. He was angry. They had spent the last half a year pussyfooting around when they could have been doing something, anything, to prepare. Instead, they stuck their heads in the sand and ignored those who had seen, ignored Shepard and her warnings. They dismissed him, telling him to wait for his orders. The one comfort he found was that he knew his family was on its way out of the city, and that Shepard was nearby, not off on a ship somewhere heading straight into the storm.  


He wondered if he would have time to grab a bite to eat, and decided against it. He started towards his temporary office to check the messages from his students. Make sure they were where they needed to be and had valid orders. He also wanted to make sure they knew how to get in touch with him. He looked up and spotted Anderson heading his way, "Anderson," he greeted as he reached him. Anderson accepted Kaidan's hand which was outstretched in greeting. Kaidan spotted Vega over Anderson's shoulder and in the next instant he saw her. Her back may have been facing him, and she was wearing a set of basic BDUs with no sign of rank, or status, but he would know her anywhere.

"Shepard," He said her name, his eyes locked on her back. He watched as she stiffened, and turned slowly. He clenched his jaw as she stared at him. She looked tired, and her brow was creased and eyes narrow. Then, when her cool blue eyes met his, they softened and he thought he heard her whisper his name before she walked over.

"How'd it go in there, Major?" Anderson asked, and Kaidan tore his eyes away from Shepard and looked to him.

"More of the same. They asked me the same questions they've been asking for the last half a year, and were pissed off when I didn't have any new answers," Kaidan responded, his anger at the Committee surfacing.

"Major?" She asked, her eyes skimming over his face as his had hers. He nearly blushed and whether it was from the tangible way she was looking at him, or the fact that she hadn't known about his promotion he wasn't sure. Technically, he outranked her now. Well, at the moment she had no rank, but the fact remained.

"You hadn't heard?" Anderson asked, his voice betraying his surprise as his eyes moved between the two. She shook her head, and shifted from one foot to the other, putting a defensive distance between herself and Kaidan. Her arms crossed over her chest.

"Yeah, sorry, I-" He started, his hand reaching up to rub the back of his neck nervously, and his eyes dropped away for a second. "Well…" He looked up at her as he started to continue, then paused when she shook her head.

"Don't worry about it," She interrupted, waving it off. Her eyes remained on his and there was so much he wanted to say. He wanted to beg her for forgiveness. He wanted to tell her he never stopped believing in her, in the Reapers, and that he had tried to make them see. He wanted to tell her he still wanted her. There was no time. "Just uh… glad I ran into you, I guess," She answered, her eyes moved down to his boots and he sighed.

"Yeah, me too," He answered quietly, and she looked up and met his eyes. He was stunned at the iciness of her stare. He hated it, he missed the warmth of her eyes and her smile. She was standing right in front of him, but he still missed her and he wondered if that feeling would ever go away. Anderson asked what he was doing now, bringing Kaidan's attention back to the Admiral. "Just waiting for orders," He answered and the trio was interrupted by an Ensign who had been sent by the Committee to collect Anderson and Shepard. "Good luck in there," He said, and Shepard kept her eyes on his as she walked passed him. He watched her go with regret burning low in his gut.

Momentarily, he wished he had broken the rules and gone to see her without waiting for authorization. There was still so much he needed her to know, and he had no idea if he would ever be able to tell her. He felt a hulking presence behind him, and a deep, thick voice asked, "You knew the Commander?" He watched her walk away as he thought of the day he met her, in the amp shop on Arcturus. He thought of his first day on the Normandy, the way her biotics had reacted against his wrist. He thought of her waking up in the med bay after the beacon on Eden Prime and the way her eyes had landed on his. He thought of the nights they spent in the mess, just talking. He thought of the way she had gripped his hand in the elevator after meeting the Mindoir survivor. He remembered asking her to dinner, and the relief she displayed in the comm room after Virmire. He remembered kissing her in the elevator, he remembered their night together before Ilos. He remembered promising her he would always be there. He remembered Vancouver. He remembered Alchera. He remembered her funeral.

"I used to," he answered, his voice was rough with the time he had traveled in the seconds between Vega's question and his response. Kaidan turned and met the Lieutenant's eyes. "I'm headed down to my office. Walk with me?" He asked and Vega nodded and fell into step next to him. Kaidan knew not to ask him the questions he really wanted the answers to. How was she? Had she been sleeping alright or was she having nightmares? Had anyone been allowed to visit her? "You know she's not a Commander, anymore," Kaidan stated simply.

"A technicality, Sir," Vega answered, simply. "They may have stripped her of her title, but she still deserves the respect it gave. Besides, once the Reapers get here, they'll regret sidelining her," Vega answered, and then looked to Kaidan who nodded.

"So you believe her about the Reapers?" Kaidan asked as they reached his office door.

"Of course," Vega answered, his face twisted in confused shock. "Don't you?" Before Kaidan could answer, the walls started to shake. It almost felt like an earthquake. Almost, but not quite. It was coming from outside, not beneath his feet. He looked up, and was surprised by the lack of fear on the Lieutenant's face. An otherworldly siren rang out and through the window, Kaidan saw an all too familiar red beam swipe through the building. Kaidan threw up a barrier and knocked Vega out of the way of a falling wall and they tumbled to the floor.

The Reapers were here.

Kaidan stood quickly, and offered Vega a hand. "We have to get back to Shepard," He ordered as he pulled Vega up. The Lieutenant nodded pulling out his sidearm and falling into line behind Kaidan who led him back the way they had come. He heard the groaning, and felt the shudder trace his spine, before he saw the first husk. Then it was almost as if something washed over him. He had steel in his spine and his gaze was laser focused. His biotics were humming beneath his skin for the first time in almost a year. It was exhilarating. Vega and he made quick work of the Reaper's ground forces as they made their way back to the Chambers.

There were people screaming. Smoke billowed, filling the hallway where they walked. Sirens blared and lights flashed. In some hallways, the emergency fire system had gone off and water was falling from the ceiling. It was already a nightmare, and it would only get worse. Their way was blocked. There was no way they would make it back, and there was no way Anderson and Shepard would make it this way. Kaidan lifted his 'tool to try to reach Anderson – not sure if Shepard would have her 'tool with her.

It was a few tortuous moments before Anderson responded, "Major Alenko? Is that you? I'm patching in Shepard. What's your status?" Vega kept guard while Kaidan conversed with the Admiral.  


"Uh, yes, Sir, I have Vega with me. We're uninjured and trying to make our way back towards the Chambers, but the way is blocked," Kaidan answered as he checked a few bodies. There was nothing to save. He swallowed the anger bubbling in his chest. Why hadn't they just listened?

"I can't raise the Normandy, you'll have to contact them. We'll meet you at the landing zone. Anderson out," Kaidan felt a comfort in his core at the confirmation that Shepard was okay. A warmth spread through him as he was ordered to report to the Normandy. There was no place else Shepard would be with this starting now, and there was no place else he wanted to be. He signaled for Vega to follow up as they continued towards the dock.

He tried to reach the Normandy as they cautiously made their way through the hallways. "Alenko?!" He heard the familiar laugh in his ear, and couldn't help the grin that spread over his face. He had never been so happy to hear the pilot; he was glad Joker was okay. "Get your ass over here! We've got husks swarming the ship. I need to get away from this dock ten minutes ago!"

"You heard him, Vega, double time," He ordered as they picked up their pace. They focused more on forward movement, blocking out the sounds of the struggling or dying. Vega's pistol clicked as he discharged the spent thermal click before taking precise shots at husks heading towards them, and it was sweet music to Kaidan's ears as his skin tingled with biotic energy. He focused on clearing their path. Throwing or Lifting the husks out of their way. A few Engineers he recognized from the Normandy were trailing behind him, and he was grateful for their presence. He wasn't sure who would be working on the ship, and familiar faces would be welcome.

They rounded a corner and the Normandy came into view. Her kinetic barriers were up, so the husks weren't doing much damage but if they continued to climb on her it would make lift off difficult. Kaidan signaled for Vega to take out the husks near the bottom while he Lifted the others. Their moaning cries filled the air. The airlock door opened as they approached. Kaidan and James ran in before turning and taking out a few of the husks nearby before the doors closed. Kaidan turned, adrenaline pumping and banged on the door. He felt the gravity shift as the ship pulled away from the dock. The decontamination cycle was running, and Kaidan looked to James. His chest was heaving and he was gripping his weapon hard.

"Get down to the cargo bay," Kaidan ordered, he had to admit he was impressed by the Lieutenant's agility. He was bigger than Kaidan, but had kept up with him and still seemed ready to go as indicated by the white knuckled grip he had on his gun. It looked comically small in his large hands, and Kaidan had the suspicion he would be nearly unstoppable with an assault rifle. "We're going to have to open the door to get Anderson and Shepard and I need someone there who can cover them. The only crew I saw so far were Engineers," Kaidan ordered and Vega grunted an affirmative as the doors opened. Kaidan had yet to tour the new Normandy but, out of habit, he turned to the left and went to the cockpit as Vega stormed to the right.

He slid easily into the co-pilot chair to Joker's left. It was like sliding on a pair of favorite jeans. He fired up the terminal and looked briefly at the pilot as his hands whirled over the controls. The sense of surrealism was not lost on him, but he didn't have time to consider it. Kaidan barely had time to notice the ease with which Joker handled the larger Normandy. Joker was as at home as ever in the cockpit, and the ship flew through the Reaper attacks like Joker was taking it through a low level practice run. Kaidan monitored the systems to make sure their defenses were up, and their weapons hot.

Suddenly, Anderson's voice rang out in the cockpit, "Major Alenko! We're in sight of the spaceport! ETA 3 minutes!"

Joker kept his focus on flying as Kaidan responded, "We made it to the Normandy. We're taking heavy fire!" Kaidan noticed an Alliance Dreadnought nearby. The kilometer long warship was using its main and most powerful gun on the Reapers and it seemed to be quite effective. Until the Reapers turned their main laser weapon on it. The red beam shot out, the frequency audible and struck the ship. It began to smoke. A few more direct hits and it would be gone. "Oh god… they're going to take down the dreadnought! Evasive maneuvers!" The words had barely left Kaidan's mouth when he felt the ship lurch to the left then the right as Joker piloted her through the air battlefield with a practiced hand.

The dreadnought exploded forcing the Normandy forward at an awkward angle and alarms rang out. Kaidan started to run a few checks on the systems and found the results before he even had a chance to initiate them. "EDI…" Joker muttered. The pilot's tone was scolding as he mumbled something and looked at Kaidan out of the corner of his eye. Kaidan dropped it, and took solace in the fact that the ship was solid and would remain in one piece.

His heart jumped when he heard Anderson again, "Normandy, this is Anderson. Do you read?"

He couldn't keep the relief out of his voice, "Admiral, what is your location?" As he went to pull up the navigation system, it was already up and triangulating a position from the signal Anderson was on. Joker muttered something again, but was distracted by the Admiral's response.

"By a downed gunship at the harbor. I'm activating its distress beacon. Send support. We've got wounded down here," Anderson answered sounding a bit distracted. He thought he heard Shepard cursing in the background about running out of ammo. The signal dropped before he could reply. He attempted to send the message out for assistance, and found it was already sent. He looked to Joker and his jaw was clenched shut, and his eyes were narrowed. Kaidan thought he had an idea what was happening, but he let it drop. Now was not the time.

"Go get them, Joker," Kaidan ordered, and the pilot grinned.

"Yes, Sir," He answered without removing his eyes from the console and Kaidan left the cockpit to head down to the cargo bay. He noticed there were no stairs; he was being forced into an elevator. He hoped this elevator moved faster than the cars on the SR-1. He stepped inside and pushed the button for the cargo bay.

Eventually, the car let him out in the bay and he went to stand near Vega just as the door opened. Vega had switched the standard issue pistol for a more effective rifle. The husks chasing Shepard and Anderson exploded in blue and gray gore as the rounds hit them. As Shepard neared the ship, Kaidan was momentarily distracted by her. She was running, fast, some of her hair had fallen from the bun and was waving wildly around her face. Her cheeks were flushed from exertion, and her eyes were frozen with determination. She leaped to the open bay doors, and landed on her feet. She stumbled and the awkward angle of the open door caused her to flail backwards until Kaidan reached out and grabbed her arm.

Her eyes locked on his and his breath caught in his throat. He still had his hand around her forearm, and her grip mirrored his. Her touch sparked against his skin and he clenched his jaw. She released him quickly and turned to Anderson who was still standing at the edge of the dock. "Come on, Anderson!" She shouted back to him, a childlike fear in her voice only Kaidan would have recognized. Anderson turned and watched an Alliance shuttle arrive and land near the wounded soldiers he had mentioned to Kaidan.

"I'm not going," Anderson answered, and raised his hand when Shepard started to argue. The motion silenced her. "You saw those men back there. There's a million more like them and they need a leader."

She sounded almost desperate, "We're supposed to be in this fight together."

Anderson shook his head, "It's a fight we can't win, not without help. We need every species, and all their ships, to even have a chance at defeating the Reapers. Talk to the Council. Convince them to help us."

"David, what if they won't listen to me?" She asked, her voice quiet and unsure. Kaidan glanced at Vega who had turned away from them to offer them a moment of privacy. Clearly, the personal relationship between Shepard and Anderson wasn't a secret from the Lieutenant. That made him think maybe Anderson had been allowed to see her while she was under house arrest. He scolded himself and swallowed hard, choking back the stubborn jealousy.

"Then you make them listen, Sloan! Now go! That's an order!" Anderson dictated, pointing his finger to he sky.

She was stubborn, and Kaidan couldn't help but snort at the familiar tone in her voice, "I don't take orders from you anymore, remember?" Kaidan watched as the Admiral pulled something from his pocket. It reflected the still bright summer sun before he threw it at Shepard. She caught it easily.

"Consider yourself reinstated, Commander," Anderson explained. Her dog tags; he'd thrown her dog tags to her. "You know what you have to do."

Her voice was thick with emotion. She didn't really believe the words she was speaking. Kaidan wanted to reach out and take her hand, or rest his on her shoulder, just to show her he supported her. He knew better. "I'll be back for you, and I'll bring every fleet I can," She promised.

"I know you will. Godspeed, Commander," Anderson said and stepped backwards as the door closed. Shepard stood and watched until she couldn't see anymore.

Kaidan remained at her side as the doors closed, then she turned and met his eyes. He recognized the look he saw there. This was not what she wanted, this was what she had been afraid of. She wanted to stay and fight. She wanted to be at Anderson's side protecting Earth, leading the men. Instead, she was being sent off planet to pander to politicians. Her name was a bigger weapon than her rifle. He didn't know what to say to her, so he said the only thing he could think of, "Welcome home, Commander."


	45. Chapter 45

Shepard breezed passed Kaidan, mumbling a thanks as she moved towards the armory. He thought he caught the scent of plum blossoms beneath the dirt and grime of battle. She opened what must have been her locker and he saw her grin. He moved passed her, to check the open crates hoping to find suitable gear, and he noticed inside her locker was her N7 armor. Her fingers ran lightly down the red stripe on the gauntlet and she exhaled. 

Kaidan stood back, and watched as Vega moved up next to her, “What the hell is going on?” She turned to glare at Vega and his question before pushing passed him and moving to the weapons bench. “Where is Anderson? Where are we going?” Vega was standing opposite her at the bench, leaning on it and invading her personal space. 

Kaidan raised an eyebrow at his audacity, but said nothing, opting to let the scene play out and check the temperature of their relationship. “We’re leaving,” She stated matter-of-factly. Her voice was cool and calm, like steel. It was familiar. He remembered the way she had spoken to Jenkins shortly before Eden Prime. She seemed frustrated with Vega, like he was overstepping his bounds; and he was. He was no longer her guard. Now, she was his boss. 

“Leaving?” Vega questioned, his voice cracking at the end in disbelief as he moved around the table, once again moving too close to her. “What’s going on?” Kaidan’s hand clenched at his sides almost subconsciously. 

She sighed roughly, and looked up to meet Vega’s eyes as she answered, “Anderson wants us to go to the Citadel. Get help for the war.” Kaidan noticed an undertone of annoyance but kept to himself. 

“Bullshit! He wouldn’t order us to leave!” Vega snapped, raising his voice in return and Shepard cocked an eyebrow at him. She glanced at Kaidan out of the corner of her eye, and he planted his feet, crossing his arms over his chest. She gave him a moment to step in, but he didn’t want to interfere. 

She turned her eyes back to Vega, “We don’t have a choice. Without help, this war’s already over.”

“Screw this! Drop me off some place because I’m not-” Vega argued stepping up to her, he towered over her and it made Kaidan feel ridiculously protective. Ridiculous in that Shepard had not needed protection since the day she was rescued from Mindoir. 

Kaidan started forward but stopped when Shepard reacted. Her biotics flared without the warning Kaidan had grown used to. A wave of blue energy raced over her as she poked a finger into Vega’s chest, “Fuck you! Don’t you think I’d rather stay and fight?! Goddamn it, Vega!” He was forced back and had the decency to drop his eyes. “We’re going to the Citadel. You want out? You can catch a ride back from there,” She turned away as Vega waved her off before taking a few steps away from her. He rubbed his hands over his short hair in frustration. Kaidan looked to Shepard, her back and neck were tense. 

He could only imagine how difficult it had been for her to leave Anderson there, in the middle of everything. He was her family. Kaidan started to move closer to her, and but stopped when Joker called for her over the comm. Instantly, Shepard’s face split into a relieved smile, “Joker? Is that you?” She asked through her smirk.

“Alive and kicking! Got an emergency transmission from Admiral Hackett for you,” He announced, and Kaidan moved to stand just behind Shepard, still letting her take the lead. He noticed Vega stop and turn towards her, like he was hoping Hackett would change her orders. 

“Patch it through,” She accepted the transmission, and with a gentle twitch her eyes moved over to Kaidan then back to the console. He had the suspicion his presence was making her uncomfortable, so he took a step back. He barely heard her sigh before her back straightened and a jumbled, sketchy image of the grizzled Admiral came through to the screen. 

“Shepard…. Sustained heavy losses… force was overwhelming… no way we can defeat them conventionally…” The image was distorted and the audio was cutting in and out making conversation difficult. Kaidan opened his omni-tool and attempted to log in to clean up the transmission, but there was already a presence taking care of it. He bit the inside of his cheek as the image cleared and the audio repaired itself. Shepard informed the Admiral of Anderson’s orders. “First I need you to go to the Alliance outpost on Mars, before we lose control of the system,” Shepard accepted the order with a salute, before Hackett continued, “We’ve been researching the Prothean archives with Dr. T’Soni. She believes we may have found a way to defeat the Reapers, the only way to stop them. We’ll be in contact soon. Hackett out.” With that the communication ended, and Shepard called out to Joker to set a course for the Mars archives. 

Joker accepted the new destination, and Vega turned to Kaidan, “This is loco,” Vega muttered. “Major, you have to agree with me on this one. We’ve searched through the Prothean ruins for decades, what could we possibly find now?” Vega turned to Kaidan, and Kaidan felt the heat in his core when he realized what his intention was. 

“I’d be careful, Lieutenant, you’re coming very close to insubordination. Dr. T’Soni is a Prothean expert and if she thinks there’s something there, it’s worth checking out,” Kaidan answered simply, warning thick in his tone.

“Major, we need to go back to Earth, you know we do. You’re the ranking Officer here, can’t you do something?” Vega asked, and Kaidan felt Shepard’s eyes on his back as he stood taller. Kaidan felt the anger wash over him and settle in his clenched fists. His brow was creased and his lips drawn into a thin line.

“I don’t know what you heard just now, but I very clearly heard not one, but two Admirals give the Commander the order to take her ship away from Earth. I don’t know what kind of game you think you’re playing here, but you’re not going to pit me against Commander Shepard. The Normandy is her ship, always was,” He heard her scoff, and then her boots moved towards the elevator. Kaidan continued without interruption, “You’d do well to remember that. I’m willing to overlook your outburst today, considering what we’ve all been through. This is your one and only warning. Am I clear?” Kaidan asked, he wasn’t yelling. He hadn’t even raised his voice, but the silence that followed hummed with the energy of the threat. 

“Sir, yes, sir,” Vega answered with a stiff salute before stalking off. Kaidan turned towards Shepard hoping to ask for a few moments of her time, but she had already boarded the elevator. She looked to the floor and crossed her arms over her chest as the doors closed. 

There wasn’t much time between Earth and Mars and Kaidan knew he needed to find a set of armor, but he couldn’t go another minute without talking to her. With a quick glance toward Vega, who had set about finding his own gear, he turned to the elevator. He stepped on and realized he had no idea where she had gone. So, he chose to check her quarters. He waited, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet as the elevator slogged to the top level. The door was locked and he lifted his ‘tool to ping her and request access, but there was no response. 

He nearly growled before turning and lifting his eyes to the ceiling. He spoke out loud to nothing, testing a hypothesis, “EDI?”

The digital voice sounded pleasantly feminine and almost amused when it responded, “Yes, Major Alenko?” He snorted, shaking his head. 

“You’re an AI, aren’t you?” He asked simply, not sure how he felt about the possibility.

“Yes,” The answer was simple, and he sighed. Shepard and Joker clearly trusted it, he had to assume he could give it the benefit of the doubt for now. “Can you tell me where the Commander went?” 

“She stopped on the Crew Deck,” It answered, and Kaidan nodded and moved back to the elevator, “but the elevator just went to pick her up there,” EDI continued, and Kaidan stepped back leaning against the wall next to her door. “May I inquire how you knew I was more than a VI?”

“I read some of the Commander’s reports from her time with Cerberus. She referenced you but never said you were an AI. I assumed you were a talented Engineer. Then today, as we left Earth, when it seemed like the ship was reading my mind, I figured it out,” He answered, and wondered how Joker had reacted to having an AI on his ship. 

“I should have expected this outcome,” EDI responded, “I have heard many things about your technical skills. I suppose I should have been more careful.” Kaidan asked how it managed to keep itself secret while on Earth. “Jeff suggested I allow the Alliance engineers to believe me to be a simple VI that would only respond to him. This kept my systems active, and Jeff aboard the ship,” She explained and Kaidan took note of the AI’s use of Joker’s first name. He chuckled quietly as he checked the time. He still had to get gear. “Commander Shepard just ordered the car to her quarters.”

“Thank you, EDI,” He answered, and the elevator door opened moments later revealing Shepard with her hands on her hips and her head down. He stared at her for a long moment, his heart pounding in his chest and his mouth went dry. “Shepard,” he greeted, his voice hoarse. 

Her head shot up and her eyes met his. They were narrowed, and her jaw was set firmly, “Kaidan,” She responded as she stepped towards the door to her quarters. “I don’t have time for this right now,” She snapped as she unlocked her door, Kaidan’s brow creased at her tone, “I have a mission to plan.”

He was immediately on the defensive, not entirely sure where her anger had come form, “What…” He started to follow her into her quarters and she spun on her heel, glaring at him.

“You very graciously handed the ship over to me, Major. Now, if you don’t mind, I have work do to before we reach Mars,” She answered him, her eyes flashing an icy blue as she nearly growled. 

“No, Anderson and Hackett gave you the ship, I simply backed you up in front of Vega,” Kaidan responded, refusing to be dismissed as he stepped even closer to her, forcing her backwards.

He was surprised when she threw her head back and laughed. Instead of warm and rich like he remembered, it sounded bitter and angry, “No, Kaidan, let’s call a spade a spade. You left yourself a way out,” She accused before turning and moving further into her quarters. Kaidan absently took note of the size of the room. It was larger than some quarters on Arcturus.

“What is that supposed to mean?” He asked as he followed her. He stood in the doorway of the bathroom, his hands clenched at his sides and the anger boiling in his gut. She was leaning over the sink and splashing water on her face, washing off the filth from Earth. 

“Seriously?” She asked as she buried her face in a towel. She kept speaking as she dried her face. “That was your advice to me, remember? ‘Always leave yourself a way out.’ You’re a Major, now,” She dropped the towel into the sink and lifted her eyes to meet his in the mirror in front of her. “You could have taken command of the ship, and I could have simply been the Spectre on board, but no, not Kaidan. Why would he step up and lead when he can stand back and take orders?”

He stepped into the room and glared at her, “You mean to tell me, if I had assumed control of the Normandy, you would have taken my orders?” He asked her, and she turned to face him, leaning back on the sink. Her eyes dark with frustration. 

“Fuck no!” She snapped back, and he snorted, his arms crossing over his chest, “We shouldn’t have to order each other around, Kaidan! We could have worked together. Instead, you took care of you,” She accused, and pushed away from the sink. “Don’t worry, Major, I’ll take care of everything else,” Her voice was low, and angry as she pushed passed him. He turned to follow. He started to respond, but she interrupted him, speaking without looking at him. “You have twenty minutes to get geared up and ready to go. I suggest you go find some armor,” She said as she moved to her personal console and leaned over to check her messages. 

He glared at her back for a long time, his breath coming fast and short as she ignored his presence. He turned on his heel, fuming, and as he left the room his fist connected with the door way. A loud crack echoed in the small space between her door and the elevator. In his anger, he didn’t see her jump at the sound. He didn’t see her shoulders and head fall as he retreated. He didn’t see the dejection as it fell over her.   
Ten minutes later, Kaidan was with Vega down in the cargo bay. Vega was already suited up, with his weapons ready, having found gear while Kaidan was with Shepard. He was bouncing on the balls of his feet near the shuttle, anxious to get started while Kaidan finished gearing up. He was checking the weapons available as the elevator opened in the cargo bay. Kaidan’s eyes followed Shepard as she went to her locker and stripped down to her underarmor as she pulled on her gear. Kaidan tore his eyes away from her curves and focused on the rifle in his hands. The anger still seethed deep in his core. 

The problem was, he could understand where she was coming from. He knew she was right, he shouldn’t have been so quick to push command on her. He should have spoken to her about it, but he hadn’t. Now, everything seemed more hopeless than it did after Horizon. He had no idea what to say to her, what he could do to try to fix it. He sighed deeply as he finished loading his rifle. He stored extra thermal clips in the ammo pack on his armor, and his eyes lifted as Shepard walked towards Vega. She didn’t even look at him. 

They were approaching Mars and the Drop Zone. He felt the armor pinching him in the joints, and made a mental note to purchase new armor when they reached the Citadel, but this would have to do for now. He followed Shepard and reached the cargo bay doors just as she secured her helmet. She ran over the objective: to find Liara and secure the data from the archive. 

“Approaching the Drop Zone in five minutes,” Joker’s voice rang out the warning over head. Vega moved passed them and into the Alliance shuttle, settling in at the flight controls. Kaidan swallowed hard and stepped up behind Shepard. His hands went to her hips as he checked the closures of her armor. He felt her still, and his hands paused for a second until she lifted her arms to give him room to check the rest. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest at her proximity, and it nearly stopped when he tapped her shoulder guards and she turned to face him. Her icy stare froze him in place. There was still so much he wanted to say, but no time to say it. His mouth opened, but before he could start, she lifted her hand and signaled for him to turn, her eyes blank.

He turned, and her hands moved over the seams of his armor. He thought he felt them tremble as they traced over his waist and up his sides. He sighed when she tapped his shoulder and he turned. She was already stepping onto the shuttle, and strapping in one of the seats at the back. He sat across from her, securing his harness. His eyes lifted and found hers locked on him. He searched her eyes through her visor. She seemed … sad. He had to assume it was because of the events of the day. Yet, when her eyes dropped from his and she turned her face away from him, he had to wonder if maybe it was something more than that. He didn’t want to feel hopeful, but he did. 

He couldn’t wait to get this mission on Mars over so they could be cooped up on the Normandy for the flight to the Citadel. He hadn’t had the time he wanted to hash everything out with her, to get everything out in the open and see where the pieces fell. As soon as they were back on the Normandy, that was his plan. He wouldn’t spend another day with her thinking he didn’t care about her. 

Goddamn it, he missed her. 

A warning alarm went off, and the doors opened. The shuttle slid from the Normandy and Vega piloted it, albeit a bit shakily, into the planet’s atmosphere. “Uh, Commander, I have Joker for you on the comm,” Vega called out, and Shepard stood and went over to the Lieutenant. 

“Go ahead, Joker,” Shepard responded as she braced herself on the back of Vega’s seat.

“I’ve been trying to reach Mars on secure channels, no one’s answering,” Joker informed her. His voice was tense, and it made Kaidan nervous. He heard Shepard sigh.  
“Any sign of Reaper activity?” She asked, as she shifted her weight from one foot to the other. 

“Negative,” Joker answered, and Shepard asked for EDI’s input. 

“The base appears to be online, it is possible the inhabitants were evacuated,” She – it, or was it she? – theorized. Kaidan was still unsure how he felt about the AI’s presence, but it was clear Shepard considered EDI a part of her team. 

Shepard snorted and turned towards Kaidan. For a second when her eyes met his, he thought he saw a flicker of anxiety, but it disappeared just as quickly, “We’ll know soon enough,” She walked towards Kaidan and sat in the seat again. Her eyes pointedly missing his. “Just, be ready, Joker,” She ordered as she buckled in. 

“Roger that. Normandy out,” Joker closed the comm and Shepard sighed, closing her eyes and leaning her head back against the wall of the shuttle. Vega announced that they were approaching the Landing Zone, and they braced for the landing. They hit the ground a little rougher than Kaidan would have liked. It was clear flight was not Vega’s strength. Once the shuttle settled, the trio unbuckled and moved to the doors. Shepard took a deep breath as the door opened. She glanced at Vega, then at Kaidan, before giving them the signal to move out. 

Then they moved from the shuttle to the red dirt ground of the planet Mars.


	46. Chapter 46

Mars has a very different atmosphere from Earth. Dry and dusty, like a desert, only colder – much colder. Kaidan was grateful for the security of their hardsuits, especially as Vega pointed out there was a hell of a storm headed their way. Shepard gave the order for them to move quickly. With the storm rolling in, it was likely they would lose their connection to the Normandy sooner rather than later and she wanted to be long gone before that was a concern. 

Kaidan couldn’t keep the nostalgia from lacing his thoughts as he followed Shepard’s lead, walking behind her and slightly to the right. Vega was bringing up the rear, and watching her opposite flank. Vega commented on the size of the storm, which pulled Kaidan’s attention away from Shepard and out over the open area. It was a big storm, but it was average for Mars, and Kaidan said as much as they moved towards the facility. “Glad you’re so optimistic,” Vega added and Kaidan thought maybe he heard a snort of a laugh slip from Shepard over the comm. 

“Yeah, with the Reapers invading Earth, and the station here is offline… I really think a little dust storm is the least of our worries,” Kaidan shot back, the sarcasm dripping from his voice. He knew his tone was spiked with irritation, but he couldn’t help it. He was startled when he turned his eyes from Vega and found Shepard staring at him, eyes narrow. Before he could say anything she turned and continued to lead them, without speaking. He wished he could see her face, try to read what she was thinking. His jaw was clenched tight, and if he didn’t relax he’d have a migraine before long. He forced a breath out through his teeth. 

They still weren’t sure what was going on at the base, so they were proceeding with caution. Though it wasn’t until the came across the body of a dead Marine that it became apparent something had gone very wrong at the base. Kaidan stopped to check for a pulse, but Shepard had already moved on. A fact that settled uneasily in Kaidan’s core as he stood to follow her. Before Alchera, before Cerberus, she would have had some kind of reaction. She would have stopped and made sure to collect his tags, which Kaidan had tucked into a pouch on his armor. He ground his teeth as they continued toward the archives. 

Suddenly, she stopped, holding her hand up for them to pause. The trio froze in place, and listened. Gunshots rang out, echoing from the bottom of the hill they were on. They hurried closer to the edge, and that’s when they saw Alliance crew on their knees, hands behind their heads, as the invaders fired single rounds into their faces. Kaidan knew Vega spoke, but his words were lost on him as he felt a familiar pull in his gut. He watched as Shepard reacted to the scene. One second she was standing in front of him, the next he felt physically pulled towards her as her biotics flared and the gravity around her shifted. Then she was gone, at least twenty yards ahead of them and Kaidan stu0mbled slightly in her wake. He heard her yell, the anger and frustration plain in her voice as she jumped and gathered the dark energy in her fist before slamming back to the ground. The cerulean biotic energy erupted from the point of impact and the opposing agents flew off their feet and didn’t get back up. 

Kaidan looked at Vega for a second and the Lieutenant let out a low, impressed, whistle before they chased after her. Kaidan couldn’t take his eyes off her as they made their way down the hill. She was still glowing slightly, and he could tell even from this distance that she was breathing heavy. Not only could he see it in the rise and fall of her armor, but he could hear the ragged sounds over the comm. He had never seen anything like what she had done. He wondered first where she had learned it, then he wondered if the ability came from her new implant. When he worked with her before, he had been so accustomed to her abilities, he could feel her prepping for an attack. This had happened so fast, by the time he realized she was flaring, she was gone. 

The power she expended was incredible, and the fact that it hadn’t wiped her out was a testament to her implant and amp. He wondered what else she could do with it. They reached her, and she turned and met his eyes. Her eyes danced with the biotic energy, and he could tell she had missed this. Six months of being locked up had not been easy on her. He knew how thrilling the first attack was after being offline for awhile. The rush of the power, the adrenaline of the fight, it was a heady mix for soldiers like Shepard and Kaidan. For a moment, it felt like it did on the SR-1. Their eyes were locked, and he knew exactly how she was feeling.

His thoughts were interrupted by Vega, who had moved to the fallen agents to check them. Kaidan kicked himself for allowing himself to be distracted as the Lieutenant did his job for him. “They’re Cerberus,” Vega announced as he stood and moved back over to Shepard and Kaidan. 

“Looks like,” Shepard agreed as she moved her eyes to the soldier at her feet. 

“Cerberus? What are they doing here?” Kaidan asked. His question wasn’t really meant for Shepard. He was simply thinking out loud. Then her eyes turned back to his, and any trace of the SR-1 was gone. Replaced by walls of ice designed to keep him, and everyone else, out. 

She turned her back on him then, and started towards the entrance to the facility. “Good question,” was her only response.

Kaidan spoke without thinking, “You mean you don’t know?” 

“For fuck’s sake, Kaidan, why would I know?” She snapped stopping short and turning to glare at him. “I’m not with them anymore!”

“I’m not saying you are! You have to admit, it’s a bit…”

“Circumstantial? You’re right. It is. Let’s go,” She interrupted ending the conversation. Kaidan felt the anger bubbling in his core again, and he gripped his rifle hard in his hands. He followed her lead, without looking at Vega. He hadn’t meant for the comment to be an accusation, but she had jumped to the defensive pretty quickly. 

He hated how confused his thoughts were. He tried to focus on the reports he had read, of the disdain with which she had treated Cerberus and their orders and requests. He held on to hope that she really had simply used them, and that she held no allegiance to them. It was harder to do when they met the next group of soldiers and her biotics flared again in another impressive display of skill and power. Cerberus had taken who she was, no, they had taken the soldier she was and improved it; which wasn’t something Kaidan had thought would be possible. 

He knew her. It was hard for him to believe she would have no emotions to the group that had saved her life … but this was Cerberus. He could feel the beginnings of the expected migraine at the base of his skull and held on to hope that it wouldn’t hit him fully until they were back on the Normandy. They finished off the last group of Cerberus agents who were guarding the door and Shepard was leading them towards the entrance. “It doesn’t look like they came here in force,” Vega commented absently as he followed them. 

Shepard agreed with Vega, and turned her eyes to Kaidan when he suggested they had help from the inside, “You could be right,” She answered Kaidan simply as she moved towards the door controls. They were standing on a large elevator that would lift them up into the station. Shepard reached the controls and activated them. The doors closed and the elevator started lifting them.

“Shepard,” Kaidan spoke, and she turned to look at him. “I need a real answer,” He insisted, and she turned away from him, sighing his name. She was dismissing him, and his concerns, and he nearly broke. He felt his control slip on his biotics and he flared slightly as he shouted, “Don’t ‘Kaidan’ me, this is business and I need a straight answer!” He used his full command voice on her and watched as her back stiffened. She performed a perfect about face, and her hand twitched as if she thought about saluting him. It would have been more a slap in the face than a show of respect. Her hands stayed at her sides and her eyes flashed like a gas flame but before she could respond to him he continued, “Do you know why they’re here?”

“How the fuck am I supposed to know?” She spat the words at him, her voice low and aggressive. For a moment he thought he saw the hurt in her eyes at his suggestion, but it was gone before he could be sure. 

He swallowed hard, but he couldn’t let this go, “You worked for them, for almost a year. You expect me to believe you have no idea what they’re planning?” 

“Yes, that is what I expect. I expect you to…,” She sighed, losing steam. She sounded exhausted when she continued, looking up to meet his eyes, “I expect you to trust me.” Kaidan stayed quiet. He’d never heard her plead, and that wasn’t what she was doing, but it was certainly close. She didn’t seem to understand why he was so suspicious. He wasn’t sure what he should say. He wanted to be able to just trust her, but that wasn’t something he could do anymore. “I used them, Kaidan. I used their resources, their ship, their people, and their money to take out the Collectors,” It was exactly what she had said in her message and hearing the words out loud in her voice, instead of just in his head, stung.

“No,” He shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest. “I want to believe that – believe you, Shepard, but they saved you. They brought you back-”

“For fuck’s sake!” The words slipped out on an exasperated groan as she threw her head back. “I can’t keep going around in circles with you! I am going to say this one last time, and then I’m done. If you can’t wrap your head around it, fine. You can stay on the Citadel with James,” She said and gestured to Vega, who glanced awkwardly at his commanding officers. “I have had no contact with Cerberus since I blew up the Collector base. I don’t know why they’re here or what they want,” She sounded defeated, and it broke something in Kaidan, and he moved closer to her, just slightly, as his eyes searched hers. She took a full step back from him. 

“Major, you know Commander Shepard was under constant surveillance while she was on Earth. I can assure you, there is no way they have communicated,” Vega answered, coming to Shepard’s defense. She shot a sideways glance at the young Lieutenant, her eyes shining momentarily with the appreciation she felt for his support. 

Kaidan sighed, “I’m sorry, Shepard, it’s just that-” Kaidan was interrupted when the elevator stopped and the air vents hissed as the room pressurized. He watched as Shepard removed her helmet and hooked it at her hip. He copied her.

She shrugged at him, a clear gesture of her helplessness. Her voice was soft when she spoke; the tone shot right through his stubborn doubt and hit his gut. “Kaidan, you know me,” She reminded him, her eyes searching his. He wasn’t sure what she was looking for, but he kept his eyes on hers hoping she would find it. He hoped she could see how hard this was for him; how much he wanted to believe, follow, trust; how scared he was, scared to let her in and lose her again. He tore his eyes away and scrubbed a hand over his face before letting it move to the back of his neck where he tried to ease some of the building tension. She waited for him to look back at her. When he did, she almost whispered, “Please, trust me.”

His eyes met hers again, and he resisted the urge to reach out and touch her, “Okay.” His answer slipped easily from his lips, and he was pleased by the timid smile that pulled at hers. They were distracted by the sounds of chase coming from the air ducts. Gunfire and bullets ricocheting before loud bangs rang out as something hit the door at the end of the tunnel. The vent fell, and an attractive Asari dressed in white, with a long jacket billowing around her fell gracefully to the floor. 

Kaidan felt the surge of energy from the alien as she threw out a singularity. The ball of biotic energy caused the Cerberus agents chasing her to float, helplessly, around it giving her ample time to aim her pistol. She took them out with a calculated coldness that Kaidan didn’t remember in the young Doctor. Though, he was reminded of the way she’d spoken to her contact when he’d met her last and he was suddenly less surprised. 

Shepard grinned as she moved from cover towards Liara. James twitched, bringing up his rifle, and Shepard scolded him gently. Liara greeted Shepard with a warm hug, which Shepard returned easily. Kaidan shifted his weight from one foot to the other as they exchanged pleasantries. Liara asked after Earth, and Kaidan stepped up next to Shepard as they confirmed the devastation. “I am glad to see you, both of you,” Liara commented as she reached out and took Kaidan’s hand, squeezing it briefly. Her tone was questioning, “Why did you come here?” Shepard explained that Hackett had sent them to find her and ask what she had found. “Ah yes, I discovered plans for a Prothean device; one that could wipe out the Reapers,” She explained, and Kaidan had to admit the thought of such a device appealed to the techie in him. 

“Here? On Mars?” Shepard asked as they moved towards one of Liara’s research stations. There was a large window that looked down on the dig site. 

“Why now? Seems pretty convenient,” Kaidan commented, and was surprised by the look Shepard sent his way. Like she was shocked by his statement, though, he couldn’t place why.

“Process of elimination, mixed with a little determination,” Liara explained as she leaned back on the window and turned to Shepard. “When you destroyed the relay you bought us some time, but then you were incarcerated. I knew I had to do something. Hackett knew it, too. He contacted me, asking me if I would use my resources as the Shadow Broker-”

“You’re the Shadow Broker?” Vega interrupted, and Liara glared at him for the interruption. Vega shifted nervously and Kaidan realized she had grown into quite the formidable woman. Liara T’Soni was far from the young, timid Doctor they had met on Therum. 

Liara didn’t answer, she just slowly turned her eyes back to Shepard, who was smirking, and she continued, “Hackett wanted me to find a way to stop the Reapers. My search led me here. Hackett got me access to the archives and kept me updated on your status,” Liara’s eyes dropped to her feet, and her hands twisted in front of her. For a moment, she did look like that young doctor as she apologized for not seeing Shepard while she was under house arrest. Shepard brushed it off effortlessly, and Kaidan felt his core twist with envy at the easy way they interacted. He wondered if it would ever be that easy again. “Well, my work paid off,” Liara continued, “There is an overwhelming amount of data here and I think I found what we need.” 

Kaidan stood with Vega and listened as Liara and Shepard spoke about her find. It wasn’t a weapon, well, not yet anyway. She had managed to find blueprints to a device, the size and scope of which led her to one conclusion. It had to have been the Protheans last hope in defeating the Reapers. Kaidan listened, but he couldn’t take his eyes off Shepard. The openness with which she spoke to Liara and the Asari’s easy confidence left an aching envy in his gut. 

The blue prints were in the archives, which was on the opposite side of the tramway, and Cerberus had a head start. Shepard turned and ordered Vega back to the shuttle as they prepared to make their way further into the station. He started to argue, and it was clear he was struggling with putting his role as her guardian aside and listening to her orders. She sighed, her eyes flashing with annoyance, before explaining her decision, “If Cerberus beats us to the archives I need someone covering the exits.”

He grumbled, but followed the order as Kaidan, Liara, and Shepard made their way deeper into the station. “How’d Cerberus get into the facility?” Kaidan asked Liara, hoping she would have some insight. 

“I am not sure,” Liara admitted as they continued down the darkened hallways. “One minute we were getting reports of the Reaper invasion. The next, there was chaos. I did not even realize it was Cerberus, at first.”

Kaidan and Shepard covered a doorway as Liara walked through, slowly, checking for Cerberus agents. They were clear. “Could Cerberus be working with the Reapers?” He asked, it seemed strange, but stranger things had happened.

“Doubtful,” Shepard dismissed his suggestion, “but I guess anything is possible.” They reached a room where a few Cerberus soldiers were stationed to make sure no one was following them. Kaidan watched as Shepard rolled from the doorway and stayed in cover. She gave the signal, and on her order, she reached up and pulled the agent over the counter she hid behind, snapping his neck in the process, as Liara and Kaidan hit the other two with their biotics. Their attack was silent and allowed them to keep their element of surprise. 

“Shepard, we’ll need access to the pedway,” Liara insisted and gestured towards the desk with the controls. Shepard nodded and led them towards the room. Once inside, Kaidan kept his eyes on the door while Liara and Shepard moved to the terminals. “See if you can get access to the controls,” Liara suggested as she started working at her own console. 

On an almost forgotten instinct, Kaidan moved to the computer to hack into the system for Shepard. She held her hand up, and Kaidan cocked an eyebrow at her as she moved to the terminal. He stayed close to her, standing just over her shoulder and he watched as she worked the hack. The codes scrolled over the screen and she tentatively reached her hand out. Before he could stop her, she stopped herself, and waited a long minute. Kaidan felt a wave of pride wash over him, followed quickly by the cold reminder of time lost as he remembered an afternoon spent tangled together on a couch. When she successfully hacked into the system she turned and looked at him, her eyes shining brightly and Kaidan couldn’t help the smile that broke out on his face. 

Oblivious to their moment, Liara spoke, “I cannot seem to unlock the live feeds, but…”

Kaidan’s eyes lifted to the monitor, just in time to see a striking woman walk purposefully across the screen. “Did you see that? Who is that woman in the vid?” 

“That’s Dr. Eva Coré,” Liara explained simply, “She got here about a week ago,” Kaidan couldn’t explain it, but something felt off about Dr. Coré and the easy way she walked. Liara turned to Shepard and asked if she had any luck with the pedway controls. She hadn’t been able to unlock the pedway, so they had to take a shortcut through some construction areas and go over the roof. 

The storm was closer than Kaidan would have liked, and he felt the pressure of time as they continued towards the archives. When they reached the next area, they found a room that had been vented while the workers were still inside. They had died, trying to scratch their way out. It was terrible, and clearly Cerberus was not above killing humans in order to advance humanity. Kaidan felt the anger at the organization burning in his core as he focused on his control. He couldn’t wait to get off this planet. Liara moved to one of the consoles and pressurized the room. She announced that they would have access to the tram now, and it would take them right to the archives. 

Kaidan noticed the monitor playing a video on a loop. “Hey, there’s a recording of what happened here,” He stated and three sets of eyes watched, horrified, as Dr. Eva Coré entered the room and assassinated the staff before venting the room and running off frame. 

“Guess we know how Cerberus got in,” Shepard commented dryly glancing at Kaidan. He moved to the door to keep an eye out for Dr. Coré while he waited for Shepard and Liara. He wanted to find her, and take her in as quickly as possible. Liara and Shepard spoke in quiet whispers for a few moments, and when Kaidan turned to see what was taking them so long he met Shepard’s eyes. He thought he saw a hint of warmth there, but it was gone before he could be sure. He sighed deeply and they moved out of the room. 

It seemed that every corner they turned, they found another pocket of Cerberus troops. For the most part, their stealth allowed them to maintain the upper hand, though Kaidan felt like he was a step behind Shepard and Liara. It was clear they had spent some time on a battlefield together, but Kaidan couldn’t imagine where or when. Their biotics were in sync, and he struggled to keep up. He had never been so frustrated in battle. He thought maybe it was how Garrus had felt back on the SR-1 when Kaidan had been in Liara’s place. Then there was the gentle tingle and the rush of her biotics when she would flare. He had always been sensitive to her, but there was an intensity to her attacks that hadn’t been there before and it distracted him. 

After far longer than Kaidan would have liked, thoughts of the approaching storm hanging over his head, they reached the tram controls. Liara moved to the console and activated the vid screen. Their eyes moved to the screen and they watched Eva Coré ordering Cerberus to set up a perimeter around the tram way and not to allow anyone across, not even their own crew. Once she gave the order for the cameras to shut down, the images faded away. Liara announced the obvious – Cerberus had beaten them to the Archives. 

“Well, they’re not going to just send us a tram,” Kaidan grumbled as his head started to throb slightly. They needed to hurry. Shepard asked if Liara could override their controls, but it was impossible. The Archives were on a whole separate grid. “What if we find a short range communicator,” Kaidan suggested, thinking out loud, “helmet to helmet.”

“For what?” Shepard asked, turning and watching him as he moved around the room looking for stray Cerberus equipment.

“We can convince them we’re on their side,” He didn’t even turn to look at her, just kept up his search while he explained his idea, “We tell them the Alliance forces have been taken care of.” He was already moving into the next room when Shepard agreed it was a good idea. She turned to speak to Liara instead of following him, and it was just as well. He needed a minute. It was overwhelming, working with her again, without having had the opportunity to sort things out. He sighed deeply at the first waves of nausea that rolled through his gut. 

He found the body of a Cerberus agent, and called for Shepard to join him in the small room. “What is it?” She asked as she moved towards him. She crouched down next to him as he hovered over the Cerberus corpse. 

He was fumbling over the man’s helmet as he spoke, “He has a transmitter in is helmet, if I could…” He stopped when the mask lifted and revealed what was beneath. He pulled away and covered his mouth with the back of his hand. If not for years of training, he would have been sick on the spot, between his migraine and what Cerberus had done to their own people. “Shit… he looks like a husk…” It was true. His dead eyes still glowed with the eerie blue of Reaper technology, and it appeared as if his skin had begun decaying even while he walked around in his armor.

Shepard remained low near the remains, “Close, but not quite,” She said as she reached inside the helmet to pull out the transmitter, not responding to Kaidan’s reaction, “but they’ve definitely done something to him,” She agreed quietly. 

“So, this is what Cerberus does to their own people?” Kaidan asked and he couldn’t keep the disbelief out of his voice. He watched as she stood, transmitter in hand, and turned towards him, “Is this what they did to you?” 

He regretted saying it almost instantly. The pain that flashed on her face was not something she could hide and he wished he could take it back, it didn’t come out the way he had meant it, “You know what, Kaidan, fuck you! Do I look like a goddamn husk?” She snapped, her tone bitter and jaded. Her eyes flashing bright blue as her biotics reacted to the sharp flux in her emotions.

“Shepard, I don’t know what to think…” He admitted, and it was the most honest thing he had said to her all day. “I didn’t mean that the way it sounded,” He explained, “None of this makes sense. I keep trying to figure it out, but it’s like every time I think I understand something, I find more layers,” he sighed as his hand moved to the back of his neck. 

She stood, staring at him for a long time. The silence was palpable, like a vacuum it was sucking the air from between them, “What happened to you?” She whispered after a long time, not moving her eyes from his face as her brow creased. He asked what she meant, his face twisted in confusion. “Why can’t you just accept that it’s me? When did Mr. Brightside become such a cynic?”

He stared at her, his jaw slack with surprise. He spoke the two words that summed up the event that had changed his life more than any other, more than discovering he was a biotic, more than BAaT… he said simply, “You died.”

Instantly, her face softened, and her eyes warmed, if only slightly. She chewed her lip and he looked away from her. “Kaidan, I don’t know what I can say,” She whispered, and he felt a shiver trace his spine at the almost intimate sound. It took him back to late nights and early mornings, just him and her; the only thing between them the quiet words and soft laughs they shared. He glanced at her, and the memories faded as he locked eyes with her. 

“I don’t know that I’ll understand it, anyway,” He confessed with a shrug. He didn’t want to think about what the Cerberus scientists and doctors would have done to her to bring her back. “I just… I need to know if the woman that I followed to hell and back… the woman that I loved-”

“Stop saying that,” She interrupted him sharply, her eyes on the transmitter in her hands. 

“What?” He asked, sincerely confused as to what she wanted him to cut out. 

“Loved…” She croaked the word without lifting her eyes. It was the second time he admitted he had loved her, first on Horizon and now. He had to admit he felt his chest clench with uncertainty as he watched her. Maybe she had never felt the same. Maybe she was in love with someone else now. The Drell, perhaps? Kaidan had nearly forgotten about him.

“I just need to know if she is still in there,” He finished simply, gesturing towards her with a flick of his hand.

“Kaidan, I’m still me. I-” She started but was interrupted when the transmitter rang out in her hands, asking for Delta squad. He sighed loudly and turned his back to her for a moment so he could regroup. They needed to stop having these broken conversations, bits and pieces, it wasn’t enough. He heard her answer the comm, and heard Cerberus confirm they’d send over a shuttle. She called for Liara who met them near the platform for the tram and the trio waited in silence. Kaidan wished they’d had more time to talk, but he knew there would be time once they got back on the Normandy. He hoped Chakwas had left some of her meds in the Bay. 

The shuttle arrived, and with the combination of their biotics they made quick work of the small team that rode over with the shuttle before climbing on. Shepard went to the controls and Kaidan leaned back against the wall with an almost inaudible groan. His migraine was growing steadier, and he knew he needed to get off this planet. He scolded himself for not working out with his amp as diligently as he should have been during his time on Earth. At the thought of Earth, his mind drifted to his parents and he hoped they had made it far enough out of the city in time. 

The shuttle dropped them off and they were immediately surrounded by Cerberus forces. Kaidan forced thoughts of his parents, and his migraine, from his head and focused on the battle. He managed to keep an eye on Shepard and Liara’s status making sure there were no injuries. It took them longer than the other skirmishes, but Kaidan had a feeling this was the bulk of the remaining team. Eventually, the last soldier fell and Shepard led them cautiously towards the main area of the archives. 

They entered a large circular room built around the Prothean ruin. It looked similar to the beacons from Eden Prime and Virmire, but this was about much larger than the beacons and Kaidan could only imagine the amount of information stored here. As Shepard moved towards the controls, a hologram appeared. Average height and build, an older man with salt and pepper hair. His eyes seemed to glow bright blue as he pulled on a cigarette, the other hand tucked into a pocket. He stood with an assured confidence, and Kaidan felt his hackles stand on end immediately - The Illusive Man. 

Kaidan felt an immense hatred for the man in the hologram. He realized he blamed him for the changes in his relationship with Shepard; that was easier than taking the blame himself. He was surprised by the anger coming from Liara. He wondered what had happened since Liara gave Shepard over to Cerberus that she felt so strongly against him. Kaidan listened as The Illusive Man explained why Cerberus was here. They were looking for a way, not to stop the Reapers, but to control them. Kaidan balked at the idea, and Shepard seemed less than surprised. 

He remember reading her reports from the Collector base. If there is one thing Cerberus is, it is power hungry. Kaidan thought he heard something over his shoulder, and as much as he wanted to hear out the rest  
of this exchange, he felt the hairs stand up on the back of his neck and knew he had to see what it was. He moved around the perimeter of the room, looking for the source of the noise. 

He reached another work station, and found Dr. Coré accessing the system, he trained his pistol on her before speaking, “Step away from the console!” He ordered, his voice hard and demanding. She paused, but didn’t turn towards him, “Now.” He added, his voice thick with command. She paused before turning. Suddenly, her closed fist struck him in the throat before she kicked him in the chest. He had the fleeting thought, as he grunted and hit the floor, that she was stronger than she should have been. He looked up to see her punch her fist through the console before she took off running. “Shepard!” He croaked out. Between the migraine and the wind being knocked out of him, it was the best he could do. “She’s got the data!” 

Shepard took off running after Dr. Coré, and Shepard’s speed once again amazed Kaidan. What had Cerberus done to her? Liara stopped to help him up and he accepted the assistance before they chased after Shepard. The chase was short as they followed the woman out of the building and to the exterior. They lost valuable seconds when they had to stop to put on their helmets to protect them from the atmosphere. By the time they caught up to them, Coré was aboard the shuttle and making off with the data. 

Shepard was screaming for help, from Vega, or the Normandy, anyone. Suddenly, Kaidan saw the shuttle Vega was piloting heading straight for the Cerberus vessel that was in mid take off. He yelled out, and when Vega connected with the Cerberus ship, it sent both vehicles to the ground just at their feet. The trio were sent sprawling from the force of the impact and the Cerberus ship was in flames. Shepard moved towards him but Kaidan waved her off before standing and going to Liara. The Asari was alright, if shaken. She wasn’t wearing full armor, just her work clothes, so the impact had been harder on her. 

“The data…” Liara said wistfully, looking over her shoulder at the burning vessel, and Kaidan had the sense that some things would never change. Liara may be the Shadow Broker, and a kick ass Asari biotic, but she would always be a scientist first. It was comforting. He could hear Shepard yelling at Vega for his recklessness but suddenly it was drowned out by loud, echoing booms coming from the Cerberus ship. 

The door flew off the hinges and, like a demon, Dr. Eva Coré emerged seemingly unscathed by the flames. Kaidan drew his pistol, lightly pushing Liara away, and trained it on the woman – no, not a woman – the synthetic. The skin had been burned off revealing the shining metallic frame beneath. No wonder it was so strong, and fast. It wasn’t human. He started firing as it ran towards him and before he knew what was happening its hand had gripped his helmet lifting him off the ground. He tried to pull away as his feet dangled helplessly above the ground. He could feel the blood pounding in his head and at the same time, each of his extremities. 

He could feel the strength in its unnatural hand as it tightened the grip on his head. It was too much for him with the migraine he already had, he wasn’t strong enough to break free from its grip. Distantly he heard Shepard’s voice scream out his name. He tried to focus on that, on anything but the pain searing at his temples where its fingers were digging in. He couldn’t breathe, the adrenaline was too much and only made him dizzy. He had a hard time focusing his eyes on anything. He could hear his helmet cracking. It spoke into its earpiece asking for orders. Then it nodded and moved its inhuman eyes to Kaidan’s face as it turned. 

With one quick movement of its arm, Kaidan’s entire body was slammed into the wall of the burning shuttle, the back of his head hitting first. If he could have, he would have screamed. He felt the pain like lightning at the base of his skull. His amp, or his implant, had taken serious damage. His legs went numb instantly and he was suddenly very tired. 

He realized, with startling clarity, he was going to die. 

His eyes found Shepard over Coré’s shoulder, and focused on her face as best he could. He thought she looked angry, and scared. She was scared for him, maybe she did still care. Kaidan started to call to her as Coré thrust his head back into the shuttle wall, “Shep—”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't yet, and you're wondering when you should, now would be the time to read the one shot, Just the Beginning. In it, Sloan Shepard is back on the Normandy, rushing from Mars to the Citadel. The Reapers are here. She left David Anderson on the front lines of Earth. Kaidan is near death. Sloan's reaction to the events on Mars. - I'd love to hear what you think! - TLC


	47. Chapter 47

Sound was the first to return. He could hear the distant voices talking quickly over his head about implant damage, neural splints, and brain activity. He could hear the beeping of machines and the whisper of a ventilator. He felt the hard bed beneath him, and the rough fabric covering him. His legs tingled and his arms were too heavy to move. He wanted to open his eyes to see what was happening around him. His face felt swollen and stiff, and his eyes wouldn’t cooperate. 

He had no way to know how much time had passed, was passing.

There was a dull ache in the back of his head that scared him and made him wish for the bliss of unconsciousness. His eyes opened slowly and he was surprised to see the room he was in was empty. He looked around. He could have sworn he’d heard the voices near his bed. He was at Huerta Memorial, the hospital on the Citadel. He opened his mouth, a quiet groan slipped from the back of his throat before he closed it again. His mouth felt like cotton and tasted of vomit and stale blood. 

His thoughts were cloudy and slow and all he could think was that he needed some water. He tried to move his hand to reach the call button for a nurse or doctor but his fingers just twitched. The pain in the back of his head intensified. It was like someone stuck a red hot poker into his amp port. His mind spun and nausea rolled over him. He struggled not to vomit. 

The beeping above his head quickened and grew more frantic. The door to his room slid open and he barely saw the team of white coats rush in until they surrounded his bed. The top of his bed was lowered until he was flat on his back staring up at the sterile white ceiling. Suddenly, there were hands and omni-tools everywhere. Poking. Prodding. Scanning. Cold metal ran up his legs checking his nerves. His reflexes were checked with quick taps. He knew they were speaking, but he couldn’t understand all of it. Some of his doctors must have been alien and his translator was obviously not on him. 

What had happened to him? He closed his eyes against the harsh light and the barrage of medical intrusion. He fought through the fog. He remembered the fear in Shepard’s voice as she’d screamed his name. He remembered chasing the Cerberus agent. He remembered arguing with Shepard about the half-husk Cerberus soldier. How bad had it been?

Time was still beyond him, and he didn’t know how long he lay there while they studied him. Aside from the medical violation, they hadn’t even acknowledged him. Eventually, they left, studying the omni-tools on their wrists. Kaidan sighed and tried to reach again for the call button. His shoulders screamed at him as his fingers twitched. “Major Alenko,” A softly accented, gloriously quiet voice lilted from the doorway. 

He turned his squinted gaze towards the woman and watched as she crossed the room to close the shades. Then she dimmed the lights and moved to his bedside. She had short cropped red hair, and bright kind green eyes. She looked familiar, but her name escaped him, “I-” He croaked and she shook her head. She reached behind his bed and lifted the back so he was elevated and then she poured some water into a glass for him. 

“Drink slow,” She ordered as she held the straw for him. He took a sip and it was the most refreshing drink of water he’d ever had as it coated and cooled his parched mouth. He couldn’t stop himself as he took another long pull and she tsked at him and removed the straw from his cracked lips and set the glass on the table. He groaned and let himself fall against the bed. “You probably don’t remember me. My name is Dr. Michel,” She started, and Kaidan opened his eyes and met hers. “We met-”

“In the wards,” Kaidan finished, and as his voice worked it felt like he swallowed glass. She winced for him as he grimaced and she nodded. 

“Over three years ago,” She finished. She’d been the doctor that directed them to Fist, who led them to Tali. It felt like a lifetime ago. He could feel her eyes on him as he tried to flex his hand. “You gave us quite the scare, Major.” He wished he could remember. She filled him in. “The Cerberus synthetic that attacked you had the intent to kill, and it nearly succeeded. First, your amp was destroyed and the implant was pushed further into your brain,” Kaidan felt the blood drain from his face at her words. “A friend of mine is a specialist on the L2 implant, and I called him in to evaluate you. He will be back in this afternoon. I am sure now that you’re awake he will have more tests to run,” She said. 

The thought of his implant being damaged terrified him. Would he still be able to use his skills? Would he be able to serve again? She held a hand up, as if she could read his mind, before she continued. “There was also some fracturing to your skull, and your cheekbones. Your shoulders were fractured as were some of your vertebrae, but the way your brain swelled gave us the most concern,” She paused, and watched as it sunk in. “If Commander Shepard hadn’t gotten you here as quickly as she did, you would not have made it,” Dr. Michel gave him the information gently, and Kaidan felt the cold fear grip his insides. 

She saved his life. After the things he had said, the things he had accused her of, she saved his life. His head fell back and his eyes closed. He swallowed hard, “How long was I out?” 

“It has been three days since the Commander brought you in,” Dr. Michel answered. He wondered how much he had missed. He wondered about the death count on Earth. He wondered where Shepard was. He sighed, and Dr. Michel asked how the sensation was in his extremities. Over the next half hour, she worked with him; helping him bend and flex his legs and muscles to waken them from their restorative slumber. 

Afterwards, Kaidan was relieved when he was able to close his fist and wiggle his toes. Dr. Michel assured him the feeling would return fully, and he would regain full function and mobility in his arms and legs. “And my biotics?” He couldn’t keep the hope from his voice, and he wished he didn’t recognize the empathy in hers. 

“I don’t have that answer for you. My associate, Dr. O’Connor, will be in later this afternoon and will have more information for you,” She promised and he nodded, closing his eyes. He was glad that his headache had seemed to subside as he worked with her. “For now, Major, rest and heal,” She ordered and he smiled weakly as he closed his eyes. He hated the uncertainty of not knowing the impact on his biotics. His abilities had shaped the soldier he had become, and he didn’t know what he would do without them.

“Doctor?” He asked as the door opened, she turned and sounded her response quietly. “Can I get something to eat?” He asked quietly, and the doctor chuckled softly before promising to send in something light. “Thank you, and uh…” He paused as he opened his eyes and met hers. She raised an eyebrow at him.

“Last reports had Commander Shepard heading to Palaven, but that is all we know,” Dr. Michel answered, her voice soft and understanding. Kaidan nodded tearing his eyes from hers and the door closed behind her. He couldn’t stand the fact that Shepard wasn’t here. He had planned on saying so much to her when they got back to the Normandy, and now he didn’t know when – or if – he would see her again. That reality settled deep in his core and refused to be ignored. He wanted to send her a message, but he didn’t know what to say. He decided it would be better to wait until after he saw the specialist. He’d probably have more news then. 

It had been a full week since Kaidan had woke in the hospital. He was scheduled for another occupational therapy session today. Dr. O’Connor proved to be quite knowledgeable and Kaidan respected him. He had informed Kaidan that the implant itself had not been damaged, but its placement was off. The initial thought was that they should go in and try to adjust it, and Dr. O’Connor was glad he had reached Huerta in time to stop them.

With the way Kaidan’s brain had swelled, to go in and try to move the implant would have left him, at best, in a permanent vegetative state. At this rate, Kaidan needed to work with OT to build up his biotic strength again. He told Kaidan his prognosis was positive, and there was little reason he wouldn’t regain full function and be back to where he was with his biotics – if he took therapy seriously and didn’t try to rush anything. 

Kaidan had sent Shepard a message after his initial visit with the specialist, but he hadn’t received a response. He had made it a point to stay abreast of the situation on Earth, and with whatever information he could get his hands on regarding the Normandy, but it still left him will very little. The reports that came in from Earth were either too devastating to believe or too positive to be real. 

He was sitting in the therapy room, at a table near the back. The room itself was large, and everything was crisp, clean, and white. There were stations throughout the room, set up for different skill sets. Stations where soldiers could use parallel bars to learn to walk again. Stations where soldiers could work with their new prosthetic limbs. Then there were the stations Kaidan was using. They were set up with toys that reminded Kaidan of his cousin’s children. Toys for toddlers meant to help them develop their fine motor skills. Building blocks. Putting the right shapes in the right holes. If it weren’t for the truly injured soldiers behind him, it would have been hard for him to believe he wasn’t back at BAaT. He imagined he could feel their eyes on him as they struggled and all he was trying to do was lift toy blocks with his mind. 

He didn’t belong here. 

He was so focused on lifting the block in front of him that he jumped and the block fell when a wet hacking sound rang out over his shoulder. He turned slowly and his eyes landed on a Drell standing near the wall of windows. He had been exercising, tai chi or some other kind of martial arts, and Kaidan had barely noticed him until he started coughing. He sounded like he was drowning. Kaidan stood and made his way over to the alien as fast as his stiff, sore legs would carry him, “Are you alright? Can I get a nurse or doctor for you?” Kaidan asked when he reached him, placing hand on his back. 

The Drell turned his eyes to Kaidan. The large black orbs blinked twice before he answered, “No, thank you. I am not dying, at least, not at this moment,” The Drell’s voice was deep, low and sounded like rocks being dragged over each other. The Drell’s eyes moved over Kaidan and he felt himself shift from one foot to the other. They were dressed similarly, hospital issued pants and top. “I suppose I should take a rest,” He stated, his breaths were short and shallow and Kaidan had a feeling it was more than just a cough. 

“I have to get back to my uh… exercises, but you’re welcome to sit with me if you’d like,” Kaidan offered, gesturing to the table he’d been working at. He didn’t want the audience, but he could feel the wheezing in the man’s back as he breathed and he wasn’t sure if the Drell would be able to make it out of the room without a break. The alien nodded his acceptance, still seemingly out of breath and followed him the short distance to the table. They sat and Kaidan introduced himself with an extended hand. 

The Drell met his eyes, and accepted the handshake, “Tannor Nuara,” He replied and Kaidan nodded before turning his attention back to his task. They sat, and the alien watched as Kaidan started working with the blocks again. His hand would flicker blue, and the block would dance around on the table. He tried not to notice the Drell watching him, but it was easier said than done. 

“I did not realize you were biotic,” The Drell commented in his rough voice, and Kaidan nodded, thankful for the distraction. “May I ask what happened to bring you here?” Tannor questioned, gesturing towards Kaidan’s attempts at Lifting the blocks. 

Kaidan let out a breath and leaned back in his seat, the chair tilted back on two legs. He hadn’t felt this frustrated since he was a teenager. He scrubbed his hands over his face before dropping them to the table’s edge, still balancing on the chair. “I was on Earth when the Reapers attacked,” Kaidan responded and the Drell sounded his understanding softly. “I was able to escape Earth on the Normandy, but there was an incident at our first stop and my implant was rattled,” Kaidan was surprised by the Drell’s sudden interest at his mention of the Normandy, and the chair fell back on all four legs. 

“You were on the Normandy? So, Shepard made it off Earth?” Tannor asked, his large black eyes trained on Kaidan’s. The intensity in his stare made Kaidan instantly uncomfortable. Kaidan was put off by the fact that the alien called used her last name and not her rank. 

“Commander Shepard did make it off Earth, yes,” Kaidan said, his eyes narrowed as he stared at the Drell. “Do you know her?” He asked, his voice quiet and his heart racing. What were the chances this was the Drell Shepard had on her crew? Kaidan noticed an odd look pass over his Tannor’s face. His eyes seemed to glaze over, and he was staring passed Kaidan. He spoke, and his voice sounded oddly disjointed. It was as if Kaidan was hearing his inner monologue. Kaidan looked around briefly, but the Drell’s words quickly caught his attention and pulled him in. 

_The ship rumbled as it came apart. Her voice rang out through the open cavern. “Go, go, go! Get out of here before I blow this place!” It was frantic, and trembled. The Turian stayed by her side longer than I did. My heart pounded in my chest as my feet took me away from her and to the waiting Normandy. I reached the doors and turned to see the Turian following. Alone._

_“Where is she? Where is Shepard?” I asked, my voice sounding frantic in my own ears._

_“What? She was just behind me!” The Turian responded and I felt the fear grip my insides in its cold claws. She wasn’t coming. I stared at the Turian, his eyes agreed with my assessment and he looked saddened by it._

_“No,” I answered, and took off back towards her. She was sitting with her back against the console. Her crystal eyes hidden behind her lids, and her full, pink lips trembled with each breath. I dropped to my knees in front of her and took her face in my hands, “Siha.”_

_She opened her eyes and met mine. I was surprised by the tears that glistened in the light of the burning space station. “What are you doing here?” She asked, her voice panicked. “You’re supposed to be on the Normandy and getting away from here!”_

_“Not without you, Siha. You’re not dying here,” I argued and hauled her to her feet. “Let’s go!” I dragged her from the ship. She didn’t fight me, but she didn’t help me either. We barely made it. The Normandy sped away and we were all accounted for in the decontamination chamber. She did it, we all survived, even her._

Kaidan stared at the Drell slack jawed as he blinked quickly a few times. His throat was suddenly dry and his heart had sunk. “What was that?”  
Kaidan chewed the inside of his cheek as he stared at the Drell. He may be using a fake name in the hospital, but this was the alien that Shepard had grown so close to. There was no doubting it now, and Kaidan was nauseated at the thought of this Drell touching her. Thane seemed embarrassed and cleared his throat gently. “Drell, we tend to fall back into our memories. We relive them. Sometimes we have no control over it,” He explained, and Kaidan nodded. He couldn’t imagine falling back into his past. Sure, there were some moments he wished he could relive but others he didn’t want to think about let alone go through again. 

“You saved her,” Kaidan’s voice was thick as he spoke, but it wasn’t an accusation. He didn’t have to say her name. They both knew damn well who he was talking about. His mind was swimming with the reality of this situation. 

“She saved us all. I couldn’t leave her behind,” He answered simply and Kaidan nodded. He still didn’t know the extent of Shepard’s relationship with Thane and it was gnawing at his core. “It was an honor to serve by her side,” He added before Kaidan could respond. 

“It usually is,” Kaidan agreed with a sad smile, his eyes moving to the blocks again. He didn’t know what else to say. He knew what he wanted to say. He wanted to grill him about his relationship with Shepard; about his feelings for her, and Shepard’s feelings for him. Had anything happened between them? His memory had seemed so intimate, and Kaidan knew he had been uncomfortable when he realized what he had shared. 

“You were with her when she left Earth?” Thane asked bringing Kaidan out of his thoughts. Kaidan recognized the desperate sound of his voice. Desperate for information, desperate for a reprieve from the fear for her. Kaidan nodded his answer. “How is she?” Thane asked. Kaidan narrowed his eyes at him, trying to decipher his feelings towards her, but there was no way he would he able to. 

“She is alive, and leading the resistance against the Reapers,” Kaidan responded, not wanting to share this information with him. It was as if Kaidan had the upper hand, having seen her more recently, and he didn’t want to give that up. Kaidan also didn’t want to admit that Shepard was so angry with him.

“That sounds like Siha,” He responded with a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. Kaidan didn’t know what he meant by Siha, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to. 

“Major Alenko,” A nurse called from the doorway and Kaidan looked up to her. “I have Ambassador Udina on the comm for you,” She announced and Kaidan sighed, annoyed at being pulled away from Thane, and even more frustrated that it was to speak with the Ambassador. He hadn’t warmed towards the man since Shepard’s death, and he had no idea what he would have wanted. 

He looked to the Drell, who offered him an awkwardly friendly smile which he tried to return. “I am sure I’ll see you around,” He stated and Kaidan nodded as he stood and moved towards the door. He could feel the Drell’s eyes on his back as he went. He may not know how serious things got between them, but he was glad he had been there with her when he wasn’t. If he hadn’t been there, she may not have made it back from the Collector homeworld. The conversation brought more questions than answers, and now all he could hope for was a visit from Shepard.


	48. Chapter 48

A Spectre. Councilor Udina wanted him to be a Spectre. Kaidan was standing at the back of the therapy room Throwing the same blocks from the week before against the padded wall and watching them bounce off. It had been another week of daily therapy, and he was feeling stronger with every day. He was not where he was before the attack, but he was getting closer. His shoulders still ached after every session. His head ached, too, but that was to be expected. After his workouts, he would retire to his room and watch the Alliance News Network. He had been surprised to see that Shepard had allowed a reporter on the Normandy. It hadn't seemed like something she would do, but he supposed it made sense. They needed to get the truth out to the public. The best way to do that was to have some control.

The reports from Earth were grim. The death counts were staggering and it was difficult to pick out what was real and what was propaganda. Kaidan wished he had heard from his parents. He hadn't. He wished he had heard from Anderson. He hadn't. He wished he had heard from his students, but they had been scattered and if they were doing their jobs, the jobs he had trained them for, they would not be easy to find.  
At least he knew the Normandy had docked with the Citadel that morning. He thanked the news report from the ship's crew deck for that information. If he was being completely honest with himself, he was hoping Shepard would come in to see him, but he wasn't going to send her another message. He had seen Thane around the hospital a few times in the last week. The Drell always seemed so put together, and unphased.  
Lately, Kaidan's emotions raged near the surface and he couldn't figure out the cause.

Currently, he felt the frustration bubbling up from his core as he whipped the blocks at the wall faster, harder. A thin layer of sweat broke out on his brow, and his amp started burning at the base of his head. He ground his teeth at the reminder of his injury as he continued the exercise. His breathing increased to near panting as the blocks bounced off the wall and ricocheted towards him. He used his opposite hand to sheath himself in a biotic barrier to deflect the rebounding blocks. It was the most work he had done since the injury and it almost felt good. Like working out muscles that had been stagnant for too long.  


With a yell, he sent a block to the wall and it broke into small pieces and hit the floor. He stopped and the blocks still in midair fell with a clatter as he took slow deep breaths to calm himself down. He needed to be done with this. He needed to get back out there, into the battle. He needed to be released from this hospital, but it seemed like Dr. O'Connor always found just one more test to run. He felt like a pet, or a science project, with his L2 implant. He sighed and wiped his hand across his brow as the ache started to travel from the back of his head to the front.

This had happened over the last week, he knew he was pushing himself a little too hard but it was too difficult to sit around and know there was something more he could be doing. By the time he would finish his sessions he would have a headache, but they had passed without turning to a full blown migraine and he was grateful for that. He hoped the same would happen today as he took a long drink of his water and started towards his room.

He went to the bathroom, removing his amp and closing the port before stripping and stepping into the shower. He was using a Solaris, the basic amp supplied to all biotic recruits. It was the least powerful amp he had used since before he started on the Normandy; since before he met Shepard at that amp shop on Arcturus. Arcturus. The station had been destroyed earlier that week. His quarters, the small things he had saved from his parents' home, Shepard's … well, the site of her memorial, were all destroyed by the Reapers. Not to mention the deaths of the Alliance Parliament and Prime Minister. The center of the Alliance in space, now a frozen grave for 45,000 people.

He finished his shower, drying and dressing quickly. The heat and moisture had helped his headache, much to his relief. He glanced at himself in the mirror. The bruises had faded to a sickly green and he had a day's worth of growth on his face. He knew he should take the time to shave but he had to admit, he was tired. The workout had taken a lot out of him. As he looked at his reflection, he felt his stomach drop and turn to ice at the sight of the blood trickling from his nose.

He cursed, grabbed a cloth and pressed it to his nose to try to stop the bleeding. Dr. O'Connor had scolded him earlier in the week, telling him he was pushing himself too hard and to take his recovery a little easier. Kaidan had ignored him, and he would continue to ignore him. He had to work hard; he had to get better as soon as possible. He sighed, and checked; glad to see the bleeding had stopped. He tossed the cloth in the trash. He washed his hands and rinsed his face before grabbing the case holding his amp and going back to his bed.

He swallowed hard knowing he would not tell the Doctor about the nosebleed. He knew that the Doc would make him stay in the hospital longer, and that was not something he could do. The door slid open and Kaidan jumped and his eyes met the pinched gaze of the Human Councilor, Donnell Udina. He hadn't changed much over the last few years. If anything he seemed slimier, less trustworthy, with his hunched shoulders, hooked nose, and thin lips. Kaidan always felt dirty after speaking with him. He shifted in his bed, adjusting the blanket over his legs.

"Major," Udina greeted, his nasally voice instantly grated on Kaidan's nerves.

"Afternoon, Councilor. What can I do for you?" He asked as Udina strode in and stood near the bed. He smelled strongly of aftershave, or cologne, or something, but it was pungent and bitter. Kaidan's stomach rolled.

"Have you given any more consideration to our offer?" Udina asked, and Kaidan sighed quietly. He should have known that's why he was here. He had no other reason to see him.

"I'm still thinking about it. Honestly, I can't even be sure when I'll be released and what my abilities will be," Kaidan admitted, it was a half-truth. He didn't know how long he would be in the hospital, but he planned on being the same soldier he had always been, if not better.

"I'd like an answer, Major. The galaxy is in need of exceptional soldiers like you, now more than ever," Udina urged, and Kaidan heard the door slide open behind him. The scent of plum blossoms was on the air displaced by the opening of the door and Kaidan's heart jumped to his throat.

"You'll have it soon, Councilor. I promise," Kaidan answered, anxious for him to leave so Shepard wouldn't think she was interrupting.

"I'll look forward to it," Udina sneered, before turning away from Kaidan. It was then that Kaidan actually saw Shepard. When his eyes first landed on her, he was surprised at her appearance. She was dressed in Alliance BDUs with her N7 hoodie over it, and zipped up tight. Her hair was up in its bun and her arms were crossed over her chest. She seemed tense, exhausted, and a bit too thin in his opinion. He felt the concern deep in his core as he took in her gaunt features. "Shepard," Udina sneered at her as he pushed his way to the door.

"Udina," She greeted in return and her frozen gaze followed him from the room. She turned back towards Kaidan, her eyes down. "Hey," She greeted softly, finally lifting her eyes to his. Her lip pinched between her teeth.

"Hey, Shepard," Kaidan answered, shifting in his bed feeling a bit uncomfortable he was so vulnerable. He wondered if she had felt like this when the roles were reversed. She asked what Udina wanted as she pulled a chair up closer to his bed. He watched her, wishing she would look at him so he could try to see what she was thinking. "The uh, Councilor offered me a Spectre position," He admitted, his voice quiet, feeling slightly embarrassed at the offer. She sat and her eyes finally met his and the air of uncertainty seemed to lift from her as his gaze held hers.

"That's amazing, Kaidan," She replied, sounding proud, and he felt his confidence soar at her surety. "You're taking it, right?" She asked, like it was the easiest decision and not even worth considering.

"It's a big decision. It's an honor, of course, a lot of responsibility," He explained and she cocked her eyebrow at him and smirked. He felt the corner of his mouth twitch, "He says to the first human Spectre," He added, mocking himself and she breathed out a laugh, dropping her eyes to her hands for a moment. His mind spun at the sound as he grinned. He couldn't take his eyes off her. It was still hard to believe she was real. When she lifted her eyes to his, again, her cheeks colored lightly.

"I can't think of anyone more qualified," She admitted, and he thanked her softly as she nodded. A silence fell on them, and for the first time since he met her, it was uncomfortable. There was too much stuff between them. Too much that had been said; too much that hadn't been said. Kaidan didn't know where to start. As much as he tried not to, he'd spent a lot of time thinking about the memory Thane and unwillingly shared with him. She'd meant to die on the Collector station. Call it a sacrifice if you want, it was suicide and it made Kaidan's blood run cold. Thankfully, she broke the silence, "So, Major…" She emphasized his rank and he chuckled lightly, but didn't respond. The promotion still seemed a bit hollow. He was promoted from Lieutenant to Commander after Alchera. He was promoted from Commander to Major after Horizon. He didn't feel like he'd earned the promotion to Major. The only reason half the colony had been saved was because Shepard was there. "What have you been up to?"

"Ah, Anderson asked me to take over this Spec Ops program," Kaidan offered, still feeling a bit awkward. "First Special Operations, Biotics Division." When he met her eyes, she looked impressed as she asked about their specialty. He shifted again, turning towards her just slightly. "Covert, high risk missions," He answered simply. "I turned it down at first," He admitted and her face betrayed her curiosity, her brow creased, "I mean me? Teaching?" He shook his head. "I prefer to get my hands dirty."

"Yeah, but, Anderson can be pretty persuasive," She offered looking down to her hands, twisting in her lap. He could have kicked himself for bringing up the Admiral. Of course it would make her worry, he started to say something, to tell her he was sure Anderson was fine, but she spoke over him. "Besides, with your history, you're the perfect choice," She insisted, without looking at him. He thanked her, and that thickness returned to the air between them. She cleared her throat, "Have you heard from your parents?"

It was Kaidan's turn to feel the uncertainty in his chest, "No, they were on a shuttle out of Vancouver the morning the Reapers hit. They were heading out to the Orchard," He explained, and looked to her. He saw the concern on her face and it woke something in his chest that he had missed. There was a whisper of heat in her eyes, and he wanted to hold on to it. He cleared his throat, "I'm hoping my dad's Alliance training will keep them alive," He admitted and she reached out, almost instinctively, and placed her hand on his arm.

His eyes locked on hers at the contact, and he wasn't sure what she saw in his eyes, but she pulled her hand away as if she was embarrassed at the show of affection. He sighed, laying his head back on the pillow. Her voice was concerned when she spoke, "How are you, really?" She asked quietly.

He turned his head towards her, "I feel good. Doc says my amp was destroyed, and my implant shifted," He was surprisingly pleased by the concern on her features, but he still felt the need to reassure her, "But I'm already working with my biotics again with therapy. Hopefully, I'll be out of here soon."

Her eyes moved to the case on the table next to his bed, and without asking she reached for it. She opened the clasp and looked inside. If it had been anyone else, it would have frustrated him. An amp is quite the personal piece of equipment, but he found he didn't mind her handling it. She raised her eyebrows and looked at him through her lashes, "A Solaris?" She asked, the technical disgust was plain in her voice and he actually chuckled.

"Yeah, it's what was available for practice," He answered with a defensive chuckle, "and I haven't really had the opportunity to order a replacement."

"Right," She responded as she closed the case and carefully set it back on the table. She looked to his face and locked eyes with him. He was surprised by the emotion he saw raging behind her eyes. She seemed so overwhelmed, and that air of fatigue clung to her stubbornly. "I'm so sorry, Kaidan," Her apology was a whisper and she leaned closer to him. Her arms resting on the edge of his bed and her hands folded together.

"What for?"

"You almost died, because… I hesitated. I don't even know why I didn't take that shot but that… that thing almost killed you. I … I don't know what I would have done if you had died. It was terrifying," She admitted, and he reached out and covered her hands with one of his. They still fit perfectly in his palm, and he suddenly flashed back to all the other times he had held her hands in his.

"I didn't die," He reminded her quietly, and she looked up and offered him an unsure smile. He cleared his throat, but his voice was still hoarse with emotion when he spoke, "You have to stop blaming yourself for things that are out of your control," He responded, turning her words back on herself. She worried her lip as her cheeks flushed. She let a laugh slip from her nose. "You know, I … I wasn't wrong about Cerberus, but I was wrong about you," He offered her, and immediately her eyes moved from his and she sat back in her chair pulling her hands out from beneath his.

"It's not like there's a handbook for this situation," She replied and sighed gently, fidgeting in her seat as she looked to the pattern on the floor.

"No, there isn't," He agreed with a chuckle. "It would be a lot easier if there was. Shepard, I-" He interrupted himself and let his breath out through his nose as their eyes stayed locked. He knew what he wanted to say, and he knew what he wanted to ask but he didn't know how she would react to either. He missed the connection they had, and wanted it back more than he could say.

"What is it, Kaidan?" Her question caught him off guard, and maybe it shouldn't have.

He picked at the edge of his blanket. She stared at his face; he could feel it, though he didn't lift his eyes. "I just, I heard something about you and some assassin from your crew," He admitted, and he felt his heart stop for a second when she snorted and his eyes snapped up to her. She leaned back in her seat and crossed her arms over her chest.

"That's fuckin' ballsy Mr. I-Dated-A-Doctor-On-The-Citadel," She bit the words at him, and his ears burned at the vicious tone in her voice.

"Well, actually, it was one date, and you were dead, Shepard," He reminded her, his heart sinking when she didn't deny it. He tried not to think about the Drell's scaly lips on hers. He tried not to think about his hands cupping her face or ... touching her anywhere else. He tried not to think about her head resting on his chest the way she had laid it on his. He was nauseated and angry; he hadn't expected the anger. "Well, I thought you were dead."

"Yeah, Kaidan, I died. I didn't choose to leave. I don't know about you but I remember every second of Horizon and you walked away from me. You made yourself pretty clear that day. 'The woman I made that promise to is gone,' I believe were your words," She reminded him, her voice bitter. He sighed, looking away from her. He had seriously screwed up, he hadn't been able to accept her; not as easily as Garrus, Tali, and Liara. There was nothing he could do about it now. It was silent in the room. There was this monstrous space between them and he had no idea how to breach it.

She mumbled something, and he heard her chair squeak as she stood to leave. His hand shot out and grabbed her forearm. She turned and glared at him, "You're right. I was an ass, but Shepard, you don't understand," His tone was harder than he intended, but he couldn't help it. She couldn't just blame him for everything and walk away. He wouldn't let her.

"What?" She snapped, "What don't I understand?"

"We all thought you died. Do you realize what that means? There was a memorial service. I was in your Honor Guard," He paused, swallowing hard as the memory of that day hit him in his chest. She whispered his name, and her features softened and she sat. He released her arm and she moved her chair closer to his bed. His eyes locked on hers, and he hid nothing. He needed her to see what that time had done to him. She had to understand where he was, emotionally, when he saw her again. "Shepard, I carried your casket. I folded your flag, and I had to pretend like you were just another soldier, just my CO. I had to mourn you, and I couldn't let anyone see how… wrecked I was," She dropped her eyes from his then, and he knew this would be hard for her to hear, but she needed to. "Seeing you on Horizon, it… it sent me spinning and I handled it poorly. I'll own that, and I am sorry." She didn't say anything, but she sniffled. Kaidan let the silence linger for a moment. "I know," He whispered, "I know I said really shitty things, on Horizon and again on Mars but I buried you," He noticed as the faint traces of color in her overly pale skin faded, but he continued. "Then there you were, and you were with Cerberus and I couldn't wrap my head around that. Garrus was with you, and I couldn't understand why you would have contacted him and not me. I was angry, and jealous, and hurt and I wanted to hurt you," He admitted and he could not express how good it felt to get it all out.

He watched her intently, waiting for some kind of reaction from her frozen, unreadable features. "No, Kaidan," She whispered as she leaned forward and rested her arms on the edge of his bed. He wasn't sure what she was saying no to. "Nothing happened between Thane and me," She confessed, and suddenly, it was as if the constant buzzing in his ears ceased, and a knot of tension in his core eased.

"What?" He asked, still unable to process her admission.

"Thane and I, we're just friends. I care about him, but no, nothing happened," She declared. He felt lighter than he had in years, he couldn't remember the last time he felt this relieved. Maybe when he found out Shepard had survived at the Battle of the Citadel. She met his eyes, and sighed. "But Kaidan, I wouldn't have been doing anything wrong if something had happened," she insisted. He knew she was right, but he couldn't help the fact that he was glad she hadn't. Somehow, it made it feel like they were closer; knowing there was no one between them but themselves.

"I know," He admitted, and she nodded and looked to her hands where she was picking at her Cerberus perfected nails. "Shepard, I want you to know that, for me, there is no one else and … and I still care. I've lived without you, and I don't want to do it anymore," He explained, her eyes locked on his and that familiar heat returned. He felt it tingling over his skin. "I like having you in my life, as friends… or … more than friends." His voice trailed off gently as he watched for her reaction. His name was a resigned sigh that slipped from her lips and he ignored the defeat in her tone. He reached out and covered her hands again, "Look, there's a war on and who knows what's going to happen but I need you to know that."

"Okay," She answered and almost out of habit her fingers flexed up and linked with his. He felt the rush of warmth spread through his chest as the emotion choked him. His eyes remained on hers. There was so much else he still wanted to say, but he couldn't. It didn't feel like now was the time. Right now, he settled for the knowledge that she hadn't been with Thane. He settled for the fact that she had come to see him. He settled for her hand linked with his. For now, it was enough.

Their eyes were still connected, and she spoke on a sigh, "I have to get going." He squeezed her hand, and nodded. He didn't want to let her go.

"Where are you going now?" He asked, and she dropped her head with a groan.

"Sur'Kesh, meeting with some diplomats," She said, the frustration dripping from her voice. "I feel like I would be much more effective if I just put my pistol in their faces and demanded they help me, but I can't," She sighed, and he ran his thumb over her knuckles and thought her shiver as she bit her lip.

"You probably would be," He admitted with a chuckle and she grinned, though her eyes still looked tired. "Shepard, I know it sucks but there is no one else who can do this the way you can. It's not right, it's not fair, but it is fact."

"Yeah, you're right. Listen, don't worry about me-"

"Easier said than done," He confessed, and she didn't finish. She squeezed his hand before releasing his almost reluctantly. "Thanks for stopping in," He offered and she nodded. He watched her as she made her way towards the door. When she reached it, she turned to look at him one more time. She graced him with a smile, and disappeared.

As soon as she left, he felt the icy fear settle back in his gut. He hated that she was out there alone in this. He knew she had her crew; he knew Garrus, Dr. Chakwas, and Joker were with her. Still, he wanted to be the one watching her six, making sure she kept herself safe. He made a silent promise to her: that he would work as hard as he could, and be ready as quickly as he could. He had to, no matter what the doctors said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't yet, now would be the time to read the oneshot, The Long Goodbye, in which Sloan Shepard has ordered the Normandy SR-2 and her remaining crew through the Omega 4 Relay. She struggles to handle the decisions before her, and receives support from the one person who understands what she may be giving up.


	49. Chapter 49

Kaidan grunted with each push-up as he neared the end of his set. He concentrated on the pleasant burn in the muscles of his arms and chest as he lifted himself. A thin layer of sweat had broken out on his skin as he worked and he focused on the pure physicality of it. He’d been pushing himself harder than his doctors wanted, but he was sick of waiting. He grew stronger with each day, and he found that since speaking with Shepard, seeing Thane in the therapy room was not quite the distraction it had once been. 

He finished the set and stood, stretching his arms above him and shaking out the muscles before he took a long pull from his water. He draped his towel around his neck and went quickly to his room. He hadn’t heard from Shepard since her visit, not directly anyway, but he was able to follow her through Diana Allers and the Alliance News Network show broadcasted from the ship. The show never told exactly where they were, not until they were leaving and on their way to their next stop, but Kaidan’s dad had taught him to hear what wasn’t being said.

They had met with the diplomats at Sur-kesh, and in order to get the Krogan to join the Alliance in the fight against the Reapers, Wrex, who had risen as a leader within the Krogan population, had insisted Shepard cure the Genophage. Apparently, there had been some research done over the last year that Shepard had access to which would allow them to create a cure. She had been on Tuchanka – the Krogan homeworld – for at least a week now. 

He made it to his room just in time to catch today’s episode of Battlespace with Diana Allers. She began each broadcast going over the casualty reports from Earth and other areas of space, and Kaidan’s heart sunk as the number grew exponentially every day. He sighed and went to shower quickly. He made it back to his bed just in time for the quick stock footage of the Normandy that Diana used every day as she spoke about the Alliance’s efforts. They weren’t all shots of Shepard, but Kaidan watched for brief glimpses of her: at the galaxy map in the CIC, standing behind Joker in the cockpit - arms crossed, or in the cargo bay as she geared up. It helped him feel like he was there, even though he wasn’t. 

His door sighed open and Dr. O’Connor walked in with his eyes glued to his omni-tool. Kaidan chuckled softly and turned to hang his legs off the side of the bed as he silenced the vid screen. “How are you feeling, Major?” He asked, quietly. His voice gentle, but confident. 

“I feel great, Doctor,” Kaidan insisted, and the doctor’s green eyes looked up at him over the top of his omni-tool’s screen. The doubt clear in his raised eyebrow. He was tall, thin, and balding on top but he was one of the most competent L2 Specialists Kaidan had worked with, and he trusted him, which said a lot. Dr. O’Connor said nothing, just ran a quick scan over Kaidan’s form. Kaidan was anxious for the day he would get the all clear, it just seemed like it was taking longer than he wanted it to. 

“Well, I’m inclined to say you’re doing great, but I’m still a bit concerned about some of the swelling around your implant,” The Doctor looked back to Kaidan, who chewed the inside of his cheek. “The nurses tell me you’re spending a lot of time in the therapy room,” His tone was only slightly accusatory and Kaidan sighed.

“Yes, but I’m not working my biotics the whole time I’m in there. I’m doing physical training as well,” Kaidan explained. It was true, he did do the physical work, too, but he was definitely working his biotics more than he should be. As evidenced by the bloody rag in the bathroom trash. 

“Kaidan, look, I know you’re anxious to get back out there. I want you out there. Your abilities are valuable, and I know you’re not doing any good stuck here. My goal is to get you out of here as soon and as safely as possible. You’ll work with me to do that, right?” Dr. O’Connor asked, and Kaidan felt thoroughly chastised. He nodded, knowing he was lying, and the Doctor sighed before he finished checking him. He knew Kaidan was lying, too. “Alright, I’ll be in tomorrow to check on you again,” Dr. O’Connor announced as he stood. Kaidan thanked him as he left. His eyes moved back to the vid screen just in time to see Shepard’s face fade from view. 

His thoughts were interrupted when the door to his room opened again. He looked up expecting to see the nurse, and felt his jaw go slack at the woman entering his room. She was tall, thin and her midnight black hair was long enough to rest on her shoulders. Her blue eyes sparkled like diamonds and were framed by long dark lashes. Her full lips were the perfect shade of candy apple red. He kept his eyes on her as she continued to walk towards him and she removed the coat she wore. He couldn’t stop his eyes from traveling over her form; her curves had made up all of his pubescent dreams. She was gorgeous, absolutely perfect. Everything any man would want. 

As his eyes moved over her, he couldn’t help but think she was a bit too tall. Her eyes were the wrong shade of blue, and were too closed off; he preferred bright, emotional eyes. Her make up too heavy; he preferred a more natural look. Her smile was beautiful, and stretched over perfect white teeth, but he thought it was a bit too perfect, too confident. She was attractive, genetically perfect really, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. He moved his eyes back to hers and when he realized he recognized her from somewhere he felt the burn of anxiety in his chest. This was not a woman who should be trusted.

“Major Alenko,” She greeted, her Australian accented voice was soft, as she reached his bedside. He raised an eyebrow at her as he watched her sit. He shifted to sit up further in his bed as he looked at her. He suddenly wished he had a pistol nearby. 

“Ma’am,” He responded, waiting for her to introduce herself as confirmation.

She offered him a saccharine sweet smile, “Miranda Lawson,” She introduced herself, “I’ve heard a lot about you.” She commented as she held her hand out. He accepted the handshake with a nod. He knew this woman was on the run from multiple organizations. The Alliance had been looking for her for some time, considering her work with Cerberus. Kaidan was also aware that she had left Cerberus, which meant they would be looking for her, too. 

Kaidan also knew she was the reason Shepard was alive today. 

“Well, don’t believe everything you hear,” Kaidan offered and Miranda’s laugh was breathy and sarcastic as her eyes moved over the room, taking in the angles and the windows. “Can I help you with something?” He asked her, and she sighed quietly.

“No,” Her answer was simple and short. Kaidan had the thought that the last thing she wanted to do was be here. She let a breath out through her nose, and spoke again. “But I think I can help you,” She offered as she opened her omni-tool and pulled out a small chip. She held it in her fingers for a long moment. Her eyes moving back and forth, from the OSD to Kaidan, before extending her hand to him with the chip pinched between two fingers. He looked at the chip, and then back at her without responding. Her jaw clenched and her eyes narrowed.

“What makes you think I want, or need, help from you?” Kaidan asked, and he couldn’t help the offensive tone in his voice. He knew it was rude, but what could she possibly do for him?

She shifted in her chair, making herself more comfortable, pulling her hand back and resting it in her lap. “Well, maybe it’s not really me doing anything for you,” She corrected and his brow creased with suspicion. “Maybe it’s something I want to do for a … mutual friend of ours,” She explained, her tone sharp and her words clipped. His eyes narrowed at her. He didn’t say anything, just kept his eyes on her.

“You don’t seem like one inclined to do favors,” He replied and she snorted a laugh.

“I’m not,” She added, raising a sculpted eyebrow at him. “The last thing I want to do is share this information with the man who betrayed a friend of mine, yet, here I am,” She snapped, her annoyance flashing behind her eyes and Kaidan felt the embarrassment burn his ears.

“So,” He started, his eyes not moving from hers as she switched positions again. “Why are you?”

She stared at him, her eyes hardened with frustration and anger. She sighed, resigned and crossed her arms over her chest. “We all knew what we signed up for. We all knew there was a good chance we weren’t coming back from the Omega 4 relay. Shepard, she… she took the time to make sure all of our loose ends were tied,” She paused, and Kaidan shifted uncomfortably under her gaze. “You’re her loose end. Who knows what this war will bring, but it has come to my attention that you having the information on this OSD may make what’s left of this life easier for her,” She ended abruptly, then stopped and glared at him for a long moment before standing. “Look, it’s really Shepard,” She said, and bit back a smirk when the color drained from Kaidan’s face. His reaction gave her the upper hand, and she shifted her weight to the other foot. She set the OSD on the table next to his bed. “The proof is on the disc. I couldn’t care less whether or not you look at the records. I only ask, for Shepard’s sake, if you’re not going to keep the disc, you destroy it. No one should have access to that information,” She added as she slid her coat on over her shoulders. “Not even you,” She snapped before turning on her heel.

She left and Kaidan’s eyes fell on the small drive on the table by his bed. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to see what was on the disc. Miranda had told him she was real. The woman credited for saving her life promised him it was really her. He lay back in the bed and looked to the ceiling. He could feel the uncertainty in his core, rolling like nausea, but he thought maybe it was simply anxiety. He knew he wanted the confirmation. He knew he wanted to believe that she had been brought back to him. He sighed and sat up taking the disc off the table and opening his omni-tool.

He inserted the disc and the program scanned the OSD for the information before opening the files. There were pictures, and Kaidan felt the bile in the back of this throat at the burned and broken body before him. He was supposed to believe that was her? It was nothing but charred meat and bone. He flipped passed the pictures to the first report. It detailed what had been brought in. 

_The Subject is missing the left leg, and the fingers on each hand. They will be created with cybernetics and robotics._

_Most of the remaining bone has been burned, chipped, frozen, or broken. Bone weave will be implemented to make all structural repairs._

_Most muscle is charred, will work on regrowing muscles in the lab from remaining tissue. Will have to work with a VI program and additional cybernetics and muscle weaving to ensure muscles will attach to bone._

_Minimal organ tissue recoverable; will begin work in lab to grow lungs, liver, kidneys, and stomach. When questioned by the Illusive Man on brain and heart repair, advised will research alternatives to lab growth. Luckily, the Subject’s helmet kept the brain in tact._

_Will begin work on VI program attached to cybernetics for sensory application, and nervous system coordination._

_This is required to begin. No clear end point on project. Small chance of success. Illusive Man feels Subject is necessary. Will proceed._

Kaidan swallowed hard. He rubbed his free hand on his leg. His first impression was that she was just a high tech VI, but Miranda had promised him she was real. Even though he didn’t want to, he kept reading. The next few pages were pictures: The leg Cerberus built for her and the organs growing in the lab. Followed by the specs for the VI program Miranda had built.

_Subject ready for VI and cybernetic installation. Leg and fingers attached. VI installed at the base of the brain. Near the Biotic Implant site. Cybernetics threaded throughout brain matter as well as down the spinal cord. VI programmed for sight, sound, taste, smell, and touch. VI will recognize pain, danger. Unable to program more human emotions._

_Program created for VI in an attempt to stimulate regeneration of brain and heart tissue using electroshock therapy. Something of this magnitude has never been attempted, and chances of success are minimal._

_Still waiting for organ growth, should be complete within next two months._

_The Illusive Man obtained a L5N biotic implant; switched Subject’s L3 for the L5N. Unsure how biotics will react once Subject awakens._

The next few pages were images of the organs in the lab. They were taking shape and were more recognizable. She had to be more than a VI. She had human emotions. He saw them. He felt the headache starting at the base of his skull as he eagerly flipped to the next page. 

_It has been eight months since I started the Lazarus project. The lab grown organs were implanted today. When studying the VI and cybernetics, noticed the gray matter of the brain had started to pink, as had the heart tissue. Positive signs that the VI and additional tech installed may have worked to stimulate the organs to self-heal. Will continue to monitor._

_Next step will include bone and muscle weave; as well as skin growth._

Kaidan didn’t even stop to look at the pictures.

_It has been a full year since the Lazarus project began. Subject’s brain and heart have regenerated and have limited functionality. Hopeful, but still doubtful about further viability. Lab grown organs have taken to the body and the cybernetics running along the spine react appropriately to stimuli._

_Eyes are intact, though sensory reception is controlled by the VI. Pupils are equal and reactive. Chances of success increase each day; now placed at 50/50._

_Next step, continue bone and muscle weaving as well as skin growth. Blood will be synthesized in the lab from Subject’s own donor supply._

His heart was trying to jump out of his chest. Could it be possible? He skipped a few pages of pictures. It turned his stomach to see her like that, being put back together piece by piece; layer by layer. Miranda was right. No one should have access to this information. 

_Skin growth complete, durable and flawless. Attempted to match previous tone based on images; Unsure if skin will color with sun exposure. Subject’s brain activity is slowly steadying. Picking up activity outside the VI’s parameters._

_Noted: Secondary organs: spleen, appendix, hormonal glands, reproductive system, etc., are also showing signs of repair and regeneration._

_Overall chance of success 60/40._

_Next step, fastening skin and adding weave to ensure attachment. Blood will be filtered in once skin attached. Hair growth begun in lab._

He skipped to the next report, barely able to register the images before him.

_It has been eighteen months since Lazarus began. Subject is physically assembled. Pupils are equal and reactive. Cybernetics in nervous system respond appropriately to stimuli. Hair was attached over the last week, strand by stand, to brow and head. Color a match. Not sure if hair growth will occur naturally._

_Advised Illusive Man chances of success are 80/20. Brain activity is more than expected. I admit I was tempted to turn off the VI and see what would happen with the other systems, but I refrained. Will attempt at a later date. Unsure of damage turning off the VI would inflict on overall recovery._

_I am hopeful for a full recovery. This would be a huge success for science and Cerberus. We will have cheated death._

Kaidan nearly growled at the mention of Cerberus. He had been able to ignore the fact that this was Cerberus the whole time he read. He sighed and scrubbed his hands over his face before continuing. She had been down for two years. He was nearing the end of the project. She would be up soon. 

_I am not even sure how to describe today’s events. Wilson and I were in the lab working on Shepard’s skin weave, adding layers to ensure resilience, when she started reacting to painful stimuli. She was fighting the anesthetic._

_Her heart rate jumped up to dangerous levels and she fought against us as we tried to keep her calm. Wilson was forced to give her further sedation. I fear we underestimated her biotic metabolism burning off the meds at a faster pace. Her brain activity reached levels I have never seen._

_At one point her eyes opened and met mine. She startled me when she gripped my hand. I can’t even imagine how terrified she must have been. She seemed to relax when I spoke to her. It was like she understood me, she responded to me – nonverbally, of course. Once she was fully sedated, again, I turned off the VI._

_Her heart continued to beat._

_Her brain activity continued independent of the VI._

_Considered removing VI and cybernetics, but there has been growth around the implants. Removing them could cause damage. Risk not acceptable._

_Lazarus Project chances of success 95%._

_Next step, waiting for the scars to heal. I should be able to wake her permanently in about four months. I admit I am not sure what the Commander will remember when she awakens. I am concerned about her mental stability. Recommended implanting a control chip to the Illusive Man. He declined my suggestion. He wants the Commander just as she was before she died. I can only hope this project was successful enough to bring her back to that extent. Time will tell._

There were no more reports, just one picture. It was Shepard - his Shepard - in a gown, on a slab, in a Cerberus lab. He swallowed hard, and stared at the picture. Her bright blue eyes were hidden by her lids as she slept. Her full mouth was closed, and turned down at the corners in a grimace. She looked like she was having a nightmare. 

He closed down the program, and his omni-tool. It was then he realized there were tears streaming down his face. It was amazing. She had been dead, not in a coma, not on life support; clinically dead. Cerberus brought her back, and he pushed her away. He needed to fix it, but he didn’t know how. He scrubbed his hands over his face and from the corner of his eye he caught a glimpse of a Special Report from the ANN. He turned the volume up, “This is Diana Allers reporting from the Normandy. You’re hearing this first, from the Battlespace. Sloan Shepard, Council Spectre, and Systems Alliance Commander, can now officially announce that she, together with Urdnot Wrex, leader of his Clan on Tuchanka, as well as Turian and Salarian Officials, has cured the Genophage,” She announced and Kaidan could only hope that meant she would be heading this way soon.

It was later the next day when there was a soft knock on his door. He moved his eyes from his omni-tool just as a nurse brought in a box for him. “Good afternoon, Sandra,” Kaidan greeted her, and she offered him a smile. 

“Hello, Major, how are you feeling today?” She was an older woman, and reminded him a lot of his mother. He felt a pang of fear in his chest as he thought of his mom. He worried. He wished he had heard from them. He hoped they had made it to the Orchard. He forced a smile and promised he felt well. “This came for you,” She said as she handed him the box. “Can I get you anything else?” He said no, and thanked her. He waited until she left the room before he turned his eyes back to the package. 

There was no return address, or markings, to show where it had come from. He unwrapped the box, and there was a note attached. He felt his heart thundering against his chest as he fumbled with the paper. He read it once. Twice. Three times, before turning his eyes back to the box it accompanied. 

_Kaidan –_

_You should really be working out with equipment that is worthy of you._

_Just, don’t tell anyone where you got it._

_\- Shep_

His curiosity was officially piqued. When he opened the box, he couldn’t believe what she had sent him: An amp from the HMBA Master line. He knew damn well this amp was only available to Spectres. It was hard to find information on the amp, let alone see one in person. As far as he knew, they were only available through Spectre Requisitions. He felt himself grinning as he imagined her ordering one for him. He lifted it from the box, it was sleek, silver, and had a comfortable weight to it. 

Like a child on Christmas morning, he could not wait to work with it. It was as if the conversation he’d had the previous day with his Doctor had never happened. He didn’t even want to think about what it had cost her. He lifted the note again and wished she had said more. Then he looked at the amp, and realized she had said plenty. She believed he would get better. She believed he was worthy of Spectre equipment. She believed he was Spectre material. He couldn’t stop smiling. He gently placed the amp back into the box and opened his omni-tool.

He sent a quick message to Udina, letting him know he was accepting the Spectre offer. As soon as he sent it, he knew he could expect a visit from the man that day, but nothing would diminish his good mood. He also sent a message to Shepard, telling her he really wanted to see her the next time she was on the Citadel. When he went to insert the information chip into his omni-tool, he found he had never removed the OSD Miranda had brought him the day before. He sighed as he placed it in the box with his amp. He was grateful she had stopped in and brought him the information. 

He spent the rest of the afternoon reading over the specs of his new amp. He couldn’t wait for the next day when he would be able to get back into the therapy room and work out with it. Shepard defeated Saren, and Sovereign. She defeated the Collectors. She cured the Genophage. She came back from the dead. She really could do the impossible. If she could do all that, he could certainly be ready to join her whenever she made it back to the Citadel.


	50. Chapter 50

Kaidan was tying his boots and thinking about how good it felt to be, not only in real clothes but, dressed in his uniform again. The day he had been waiting for was finally here. He was being discharged from Huerta Memorial, his Spectre ceremony was scheduled for that evening, and the Normandy had docked with the station earlier that day. He was excited to get out of the hospital and on with his life. He was hopeful he would see Shepard before the ceremony, but he wasn’t expecting anything. He stretched, enjoying the fit of his BDU. 

He took the few steps into his bathroom and looked at his reflection in the mirror. He seemed to have aged ten years while he was in the hospital. He hated the gray hair at his temples, and the worry crease that seemed permanently etched into his brow. He sighed and looked down as he reached for the amp case. A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth as he thought, again, about Shepard buying it for him. He liked that she was associated with something so personal, something he had to touch and use everyday, something that allowed him to access the part of himself that really made him special. 

He opened the port and slid the amp in, reveling in the charge up he felt throughout his system as the amp connected with his implant and ignited his power. He discharged the energy on the sink like the release of static electricity. The amp was truly a work of art. Being an L2 meant he always spiked higher than his L3 peers, but with this amp he was more powerful than he had ever been. The ease with which he could access the power had made him dizzy at first. 

It was intoxicating, really; the rush of the power. He had gotten used to it, and quickly. 

He heard the door open in his room, and left the bathroom. He was surprised when he saw Admiral Hackett had entered. Kaidan had only ever seen the Admiral in his dress blues. It was disorienting to see him dressed in his simple BDUs. The war had, already, taken its toll on the older solider. He seemed tired, as evidenced by the dark shadows around his eyes. Though, Kaidan had the feeling the darkness came from more than lack of sleep. “Kaidan,” He greeted, extending his hand towards him and catching Kaidan off guard by the lack of formality. 

“Admiral,” Kaidan responded as he shook his hand. “What brings you here?”

“Wanted to check in with humanity’s newest Spectre,” He answered and Kaidan nodded. “How are you feeling?”

“Anxious,” Kaidan answered simply. He gestured towards the chair in his room, and Hackett accepted. He sat, leaning back and relaxing momentarily as Kaidan rested against the side of his bed. The way he sighed gave Kaidan the impression he hadn’t sat down in a long time. Kaidan let the silence stretch for a few moments and Hackett seemed to appreciate the quiet. 

“I hear that,” Hackett’s grizzled voice answered softly. The Admiral’s eyes narrowed momentarily as he stared at Kaidan. Kaidan had to admit, it slightly unnerving having his intense gaze on him so plainly. “You must have had dozens of offers, crews to work with, ships to Captain,” Hackett suggested and Kaidan nodded. The offers had flooded in once his appointment had been made public. “If I am being completely honest, my main reason for stopping here was to throw my hat in the ring so to speak,” He admitted and Kaidan cocked his head at him. “I have a position for you, with the Fifth Fleet. It’s yours if you want it,” Hackett offered and Kaidan was floored.

The Fifth Fleet was the most well respected Fleet in the Alliance, and Admiral Hackett was not a man who made offers like this. It was difficult to be assigned to his fleet, and it was an honor to get the posting. Kaidan would be a fool to turn it down. Hackett would have an understanding of Kaidan’s training and abilities, more than any alien Fleet that had offered him a spot on their ship. He wanted to say yes, but what he wanted more than that was a conversation with Shepard. He wanted to be back on the Normandy. Before he could answer, the vid screen in his room caught Kaidan’s attention as it showed press footage of Shepard leaving the Normandy that morning. 

Hackett’s eyes followed Kaidan’s and he thought he heard the Admiral let out a quiet chuckle, but he couldn’t be sure, “I don’t need an answer right now,” He admitted, “but we’re scheduled to fly out in two days time, and I’ll need the answer before then. I can’t wait around for it,” He stated as he stood. 

Kaidan looked up into the man’s face and nodded, “I appreciate the time, Sir. You’ll hear from me before then, either way,” He promised and Hackett nodded, extending his hand one more time.

“Congratulations, Kaidan. You’ve made so many of us proud,” Hackett offered before releasing Kaidan’s hand. 

“Thank you, Admiral. That means more than I can say,” He replied and turned to leave. Kaidan sat back on the bed and watched him go. His eyes moved back to the vid screen as the reporter spoke more about Shepard, the Normandy, and the fact that she had cured the Genophage. He stood and went to the window to look out over the Presidium. A position with the Fifth Fleet was not something he ever would have thought was possible for him; then again, he never would have thought he would be a Spectre, either.

His career had certainly soared in ways he had never dreamed possible. When he thought about how young he was when he joined the Normandy, it shocked him at times. It was only three years ago but he was not just a different soldier, but a different man. Now, he was more aggressive on the field, but still stopped to consider all angles before making a decision. He was more confident in command, and when speaking with Command. He knew who he had to credit for the changes in himself. Shepard had always encouraged him to use his biotics to his full ability. She taught him to stop and consider every outcome. The fact that she had shared so much of herself with him – emotionally and physically – proved he was more than a broken, biotic freak. Serving under her, loving her and losing her changed him. He had a lot to thank her for. 

“Spectre Kaidan Alenko,” Shepard’s voice was soft and teasing as it chimed out behind him. He was startled and he jumped slightly before turning to face her. 

It was as if his thoughts had summoned her. He noticed the playful smirk tugging at one corner of her mouth as she leaned against the doorway, her arms crossed over her midsection. He must have been really lost in his thoughts; he hadn’t even heard the door open. He chuckled, and rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “Yeah, it’s pretty crazy, isn’t it?” 

She took a few steps into the room coming to stand next to him. She joined him in watching the activity outside. He looked over at her, instead, watching as the artificial sunlight bounced off her features. Her haunted eyes concerned him. Her stance was tired; it was as if the weight of the war was literally on her shoulders. He wondered if she was sleeping, or if she had nightmares. He channeled his mother when he realized she looked too thin. He wondered who was there to make sure she was eating. She answered him before he could inquire, “No, it’s not crazy at all,” She said with a shrug as she looked up and met Kaidan’s eyes. He was struck by the pride he saw shining in her gaze, “I can’t think of a better candidate.”

Kaidan felt the heat rising from his collar at her praise, “Well, thank you, Shepard. That really means a lot coming from you.” She simply nodded and asked when he was getting out of the hospital. “Should be just a few more hours. Doc ran a few last minute tests,” He was surprised at how pleased he was by the concern that flashed across her features. “It’s nothing, he just wanted to run a few last minutes blood tests. I think he’s disappointed he’s losing his pet project,” Kaidan answered and Shepard nodded, a forced smile on her lips. 

When she looked back out the window, his eyes moved over her, again, taking in her posture. It was then he noticed the tension in her shoulders, and when she looked up at him, there was something not quite right about her eyes. Yes, she looked tired, but everyone who had accepted that there was a war on looked tired. She looked sad. “What’s wrong?” He asked quietly, unable to keep the concern out of his voice. 

“Nothing,” She insisted shaking her head and forcing a smile. He simply said her name again, turning to face her, letting her know there was no getting away from this conversation as his tone turned slightly admonishing. When she sighed, it was in defeat. It made his chest tighten with unease. “It’s really not here, yet,” She said softly, looking back over the peaceful gardens and waterfalls. He sighed in understanding. “I’ve seen a lot in my time,” She paused and let the silence stretch for a long moment. “This is worse. They have no idea what is out there, what is coming for them. It’s this war, Kaidan. On Tuchanka, we … we lost people; good people. The Turian Primarch’s son and most of his platoon were nearly wiped out, and I lost a friend. It’s just… it’s going to get worse before it gets better, if it gets better, and I still feel like no one is listening,” She snapped and Kaidan nodded. It had to make her crazy to be here. The war hadn’t reached the station, yet. Out of sight, out of mind made it easy to ignore. 

“The Reapers aren’t going to focus on the Sol system forever. Unfortunately, it will get here. You’re doing all you can,” He said and she snorted, shaking her head. “Bringing Allers on the ship was a genius move. I’ve had a unique perspective over the last few weeks, having seen it. As the injured made their way here, to Huerta, their stories combined with your news reports… the hospital staff are taking the war seriously. They’re stocking up on supplies and doing what they can. You have to start somewhere, and then when it hits you can take great joy in your ‘I told you so.’” Her eyes were still sad, but she was smiling when she met his. “What?” He asked.

“Thanks for the pep talk, Mr. Bright-Side,” She whispered, and he chuckled softly. She dropped her eyes as the air around them seemed to vibrate with the memory of things said, and the emptiness of unspoken words. He watched as she looked down and picked at her nails. She looked so small, and fragile. He fought the memory of a time when he could just hold her, whenever he wanted to. There was no way to know for sure if it would be welcome, now. He didn’t think he could handle the rejection if it wasn’t. Not today.

His voice was soft and sincere when he spoke again. “I am sorry about your friend, Shepard,” He offered her, and she closed her eyes with a deep sigh before thanking him. “Did you want to talk about it?” He asked. She turned and looked around the room before gesturing towards the chair Hackett had vacated. Kaidan nodded and they made their way over to sit. He sat on his bed, and was surprised when she sat next to him. He was warmed to the core as she tucked her leg up underneath her and he flashed back to their nights on the SR-1. He shifted so they were facing each other, mirroring each other, as she started to speak.

“He was a Salarian scientist. His name was Mordin Solus,” Kaidan thought back on the reports he read. It was the scientist who had worked with her and Cerberus. “About a year ago we came across one of his students on Tuchanka who had started synthesizing a cure for the Genophage. He, the student, was running tests on Krogan females that were truly closer to torture than testing. He obtained his data in the worst way. Mordin ended up killing him for his actions, but we saved the data. Good thing, too, without it I would have still be stuck on Tuchanka,” She paused and Kaidan waited patiently. She scrubbed her hands over her face. A stray lock of hair had fallen out of its bun, and she flicked it off her forehead. “Long story short, in order to disperse the cure we had to use the Shroud,” He felt the question in his eyes and she paused, “It’s this huge building – facility - the Salarians built it to help stabilize the atmosphere, and then they used it to spread the Genophage. Anyway, we had to use it to scatter the cure. The Dalatrass informed me that they had sabotaged the Shroud and that if it was attempted, I don’t know the science behind it but something with the temperature rising to destroy the cure. Anyway, Mordin went … insisted it had to be him, and the Shroud… there was an explosion,” She explained, her voice breaking and she dropped her head for a moment. 

He let the silence linger as he watched her. Her eyes were bright with grief, her whole body seemed tense. “You said it had to be him, why?” He asked after a moment, and was surprised when she lifted her head and was smiling. 

“Someone else might have gotten it wrong,” She answered quietly, her voice still had a tinge of sadness but, for a reason Kaidan would never understand, she was still smiling. She shrugged. There was nothing else to say. She sighed and reached above her head in a stretch, her eyes locked on his. “Enough sad talk for now,” She insisted. “How are you doing, really?” She asked, tapping his knee. For a moment, he imagined he felt her biotics through the fabric of his pants. 

“I feel great,” He answered simply. “I feel better than I have in a long time, actually. There’s nothing like a forced vacation to invigorate you and make you anxious to get back to work,” She nodded as he said it, and he wondered if this was how she felt while she was locked up in Vancouver. She pushed the hair out of her face again. “Dr. O’Connor really knows his stuff. I don’t really know what he did in there but my biotics have never been stronger,” He admitted and her eyes simply sparkled as she smiled. “Maybe my biotics have gotten better with age,” He chuckled. 

“Or maybe you have,” She added quietly, and he cocked his head at her. She chewed her lip as she looked away from him. Kaidan felt the tension between them at her words. It was frustrating. There was still so much that needed to be said. So much he wanted to say, but it didn’t feel right, right now. He wanted to apologize. He wanted to ask if he could rejoin her crew. He wanted to tell her he was in love with her. He could feel it in his gut, though, that now was not the time. Kaidan watched as that stray piece of hair fell back in her face. When it did, he realized that it was the same section of hair that had always gone rogue. It was familiar; it was Shepard. It was one of the many things he remembered from before. 

“Maybe,” He whispered as he reached out, almost on instinct, and tucked the hair behind her ear. His fingers brushed against her cheek as he brought his hand back. Her skin was soft and warm. He thought he heard the breath catch in her throat, but he couldn’t be sure. Her eyes locked on his, and he liked what he saw there when she smiled, her cheeks coloring. 

She seemed almost disappointed when he pulled his hand back, and she cleared her throat softly. “Any word from Earth? Your parents or your students?” She asked him quietly. It was like she was as afraid of the answer as he was. It was his turn to look away from her. He looked down to the bed, and sighed. 

“No,” He answered simply, his voice sounded hoarse in his ears and it surprised him. “My students, if they’re doing their job, if I trained them well, will be hard to find. My folks, I keep telling myself: They went to the Orchard, they don’t really have high tech communicators on the farm… but it doesn’t make sleeping any easier,” he admitted, and was startled when he felt her hand on his knee. It was a show of support, of understanding and camaraderie. When he lifted his eyes to hers, she moved to pull her hand away. He reached out and held it on his leg, wrapping his hand around her fingers. That small connection, it helped. She offered him a timid smile, and let him hold her hand. Hope bloomed in his chest. 

Hope is powerful. 

“What about you?” He asked and her eyebrow lifted in question. “Have you heard from Anderson?”

She sighed, and looked down to their hands, “Not since before Tuchanka,” She admitted, before forcing a more upbeat tone to her voice. “He seemed good though, younger somehow. Invigorated, maybe. Desk work was never really his calling,” She said with a chuckle, and Kaidan nodded in agreement. A gentle quiet fell between them, and shockingly, it wasn’t tense or angry. It was comfortable. He still held her hand in his, and she still seemed okay with it. It surprised him how warm her hands were now, and soft. She had told him once, the reason her hands had been cold had to do with her implant. Since her implant had been upgraded, he had to assume that was the reason her hands were warm now. 

“How long are you here?” He asked her, and she looked up and met his eyes.

“Just until tomorrow, the Normandy’s restocking and I gave the crew twenty-four hours of Liberty. They needed it,” She answered as she pulled her hand from his. He felt the absence of her touch more acutely than he had felt her hand in his. She pulled the pins from her hair and it cascaded down her back. He ignored the rush of emotions he felt when the plum blossom scent met his senses. 

“Oh, well, I don’t know if you know but Udina is having a ceremony tonight, uh, for me. He thinks it will help with morale, give people something to celebrate. It would mean a lot to me if you were there,” He stated, it was simply the truth.

“Kaidan, why do you think I rushed here from Tuchanka?” She asked, leaning forward conspiratorially, and Kaidan felt his face split into a grin. “Of course, I’ll be there. I wouldn’t miss it,” She said as she turned and stood. She wiped her hands on her pants, and he watched her. “I do have to go, though, I have a few people to meet while I’m here,” She explained, and he nodded. He didn’t want her to leave. He wanted her to sit back down and hold his hand and talk to him. 

“See you later, Shepard,” He reminded her and she grinned, nodding as she turned on her heel to leave the room. He watched her go, still feeling shocked that she had made sure she made it back here, in the middle of a war, to go to a ceremony for him. He laid back on the bed, one hand tucked up under his head. His eyes on the vid screen, a random biotiball game was on, but he wasn’t paying it any attention.   
When he thought of the way their conversation had played out, he was glad she had stopped in before the ceremony. He was glad they had a chance to catch up, at least a little before all the pomp and circumstance. He hoped he would be able to actually spend time with her at the ceremony. He hoped she would allow him back on the Normandy.

Hope would get him through his remaining hours in the hospital.


	51. Chapter 51

Kaidan made his way to the side of the stage. He looked out over the crowd and was surprised by the number of people who had come to see him named a Spectre. He knew enough to know, however, that most of them were there for the party to follow. It was just another way to pretend there wasn’t a war on. He swallowed hard, wiping his hands on his pants as stage fright suddenly washed over him. He turned to look for Hackett or Udina, to see exactly what the plan was and froze when he saw Shepard speaking with the Admiral. She was wearing her dress blues, with the skirt, and short heels. Her hair was pulled up exposing her elegant neck and her make-up was just enough to catch his attention but still remain professional. 

They turned towards him as he made his way over, “Major,” Hackett greeted extending his hand, which Kaidan accepted in a firm shake. Kaidan turned his eyes to Shepard, and felt himself pause when she snapped to attention and saluted him. 

She saluted him.

He nearly stuttered as he returned the salute, and she fell into a relaxed attention. He couldn’t help but notice the mirth in her eyes. Kaidan glanced at Hackett who had clearly not missed his reaction to the Commander and the switch in power within their working relationship. “Shepard and I were just discussing the Normandy and her upgrades,” Hackett explained, and Shepard nodded. 

“I haven’t gotten a good look at her, not since her return to the Alliance,” Kaidan admitted, having regained his composure after his slip. “Hopefully, I’ll get a chance to soon.” He added, meeting Shepard’s eyes. When he noticed her raised eyebrow, he realized what he had said, and smirked. Sure, he had been talking about the Normandy, but the words could easily be applied to someone else. Before any more could be said, a certain weasely voice rang out behind Kaidan, and he cringed. 

“Commander Shepard?” Councilor Udina’s voice echoed in his ears and he turned towards the approaching man, allowing him into their circle.

“Councilor,” She greeted with a cold nod in his direction. Kaidan and Hackett glanced at each other briefly as he approached. Kaidan was glad to see some of his own irritation in the Admiral’s stare as well. Udina’s eyes narrowed as they moved from Shepard to Kaidan and back. His shoulders seemed tense and his eyes were hard. 

“I didn’t expect to see you here,” He said, folding his hands behind his back and rocking, almost nervously, on his heels. His eyes darted between the three Alliance soldiers before him. “I thought you would be off… fighting a war,” He added and Kaidan could feel the annoyance from Shepard. It was in the way she crossed her arms over her chest, and nearly rolled her eyes.

“Warships need to be restocked, and crews need time off. Wars are lost by tired soldiers,” She shot back. “Not to mention, the first human Spectre should be there when they name the second,” She added, and caught Kaidan’s eyes only briefly. He felt the warmth spread across his chest at the eye contact and held on to the thought that they would have a few moments alone at some point before the night was over. 

“Well, of course, yes, that’s right,” He added, absently as he looked towards the stage. “I guess I just assumed you would be busy,” He explained and Shepard dropped her eyes, in an effort to avoid rolling them. “It’s just about time to start. Major, if you would take your spot on the stage. Commander, Admiral,” Udina nodded at the pair before scurrying off towards the side of the stage. 

Kaidan exchanged a glace with Hackett and Shepard before he turned to walk towards his chair on the stage. He had been given a brief overview of the events. Hackett would speak first, followed by Udina before the rest of the Council would join them on stage to read over the official declaration. As he sat in the stiff chair, his throat dried and his collar felt too tight. His palms were damp, and the bright lights aggravated his eyes. He hadn’t expected the nerves, but he wasn’t used to the pomp and circumstance surrounding him. It was usually focused on someone else. 

Someone else was sitting just behind him, to his right, and he was glad for her presence.

Hackett went to the microphone first. Kaidan and been slightly surprised to realize the Admiral would be speaking for him. He had respected the Admiral since before he enlisted, it was humbling to listen to him as he praised Kaidan. As the Admiral spoke, first referencing his time at BAaT, without going into detail, of course, Kaidan had the strange sense that he was outside of himself looking in. It was like he was speaking about someone else as he recounted the early years of his career. The missions that ended up earning him his spot on the Normandy in the first place. He felt the burn of embarrassment in his ears as the Admiral continued. 

There was a pause in his speech when he mentioned the Normandy’s destruction. Flashes of light accompanying photos blinded him momentarily, and he realized the press were taking their pictures of Shepard. He glanced at her over his shoulder, glad he didn’t have to turn too far to see her. Her eyes were down on her hands; not allowing them a picture of her face. The lights stopped when Hackett started again, and her eyes lifted and met his. As Hackett spoke about his leadership and the quick thinking that ensured the surviving crew were safe until the morning, Kaidan saw the pride shining in Shepard’s eyes and he felt all the nerves almost melt away. His back straightened slightly, and a sense of calm washed over him. She offered him a sad smile and Kaidan returned it before turning forward again. 

He could feel her eyes on his back. 

Hackett continued, and Kaidan thought back on the missions as he spoke of them. After Shepard had died, he had gone on a bit of a bender – but not the chemical kind. Adrenaline. He had needed the rush of a suicide mission to remember what it had been like to be in her arms. As he fought on the battlefield, whether it was geth, Cerberus, or Rachni, it was almost as if she were still there with him. More than once he would look over expecting to see her, only to see some faceless marine whose name he couldn’t remember now staring back at him with fear in his eyes. Kaidan would swallow hard, close his eyes and push forward. 

He was lucky to have survived – or maybe there was some kind of Angel watching over him. He glanced back at Shepard. Her eyes were down on her hands, twisting in her lap. Her brow was creased, and she chewed her lip as she listened as Hackett started to list the Commendations that had ended up earning him his promotion to Major. Kaidan turned back towards the audience as Hackett finished, “It is not every day a Marine as deserving as Major Alenko receives the recognition he should. It is difficult to put into words the pride the Alliance, or humanity really, has in this occasion today. I have no question Major Alenko will serve the Council as well as he has served the Alliance. We’re all lucky he’s on our side,” The Admiral finished, and nodded at Kaidan before taking his seat. 

Kaidan’s ears were buzzing at the Admiral’s words. It all sounded so much better when someone else spoke of that time in his life. He only remembered the emptiness, he hadn’t realized how he was being viewed by everyone else, until now at least. Udina moved to the podium next, and Kaidan shifted uncomfortably. The Councilor cleared his throat and the microphone squeaked with feedback. Kaidan shook his head softly, and grinned when he heard the soft snort of Shepard’s laugh behind him. 

“Major Alenko is everything a Spectre should be. He is a leader, his subordinates are comfortable and confident following his Command. He is a soldier, with abilities no one else can come close to matching. He is the strongest, most controlled L2 Biotic Humanity has ever produced. His tactical skills have served the Alliance well over his career, ensuring success where defeat was expected,” Kaidan felt his brow crease at Udina’s words. “A Spectre is the right hand of the Council. A Spectre is charged with protecting the Council,” there was a brief pause in his speech before he continued, and that pause made Kaidan’s gut clench with apprehension, “protecting the galaxy as our last line of defense. A Spectre is expected to take orders from the Council and follow them without question, something Major Alenko has always shown an ability to do.”

Kaidan couldn’t help the chill that traced his spine at Udina’s words. Why had the Councilor pushed his Spectre status so hard? He sat forward in his chair, just barely, as he felt his defenses shoot up and mentally reviewed every conversation he had with Udina. He had always insisted it had to be Kaidan who was the next Spectre; but why? He didn’t have time to consider the line of thought as the rest of the Council joined Udina on stage and he was called to stand and face them. 

The Asari Councilor, Tevos, spoke first, “It is the decision of this Council that you be granted all the powers and privileges of the Special Tactics and Reconnaissance of the Citadel.” Her voice was soft, and smooth, as it had always been but still held the authority her position demanded. Yet, there was a hint of anxiety behind it. It was clear the galaxy was at war, and it seemed as if it was finally taking its toll on those who had managed to remain removed from it.

“Spectres are not trained but chosen. Individuals forged in the fire of service and battle, those whose actions elevate them above the rank and file,” Valern added, his tone firm and commanding, but distracted, as if there was something else on the Salarian’s mind. Kaidan noticed his large black eyes move to Shepard briefly before moving back to Kaidan. 

“Spectres are an idea, a symbol. The embodiment of courage, determination and self-reliance. They are the right hand of the Council, instruments of our will,” Udina added his part, his nasally voice echoed lightly in the area and bounced around inside Kaidan’s head. He tried to lock onto his beady gaze, but his eyes darted around the room, making Kaidan uneasy.

“Spectres bear a great burden. They are protectors of galactic peace, both our first and last line of defense. The safety of the galaxy is theirs to uphold,” Sparatus finished, he sounded proud of the words he was speaking, but it was clear his thoughts were elsewhere. Most likely on his burning planet and the countless Turian lives being lost every day. 

“I am honored, Councilors. I will do my best,” Kaidan responded and the Council nodded their assent before taking a step back. Lights flashed around the room as it erupted in applause. It was bizarre, to stand here on the Citadel and hear the same words that had seemed to start the amazing journey he had been on over the last three years. The roller coaster his life had been had started when he stood behind Shepard and listened as she became the first human Spectre. At the time, he had never imagined he would be the second. As his eyes moved over the crowd before him, he felt the emptiness hit him like a punch to the gut.  


He wished his parents were here. Under any other circumstances, they would have been front and center. His father beaming proudly; his mom clapping and crying. Goddamn it, he missed them. He could do no more than hope and pray they were okay. It had to be enough. After a moment, he took a step backwards and followed the crowd off the stage, pulled from his somber thoughts by the press requesting photo ops with the Council and the Alliance Brass. His eyes moved over the area, passed the flashing lights just catching Shepard’s back as she left the room. He sighed, and let his attention be pulled to the journalist in front of him. 

He was grateful the press weren’t allowed access for the reception. Though, that didn’t stop his attention from being held most of the evening by the Council and Alliance dignitaries who insisted on occupying his time while it was available. He had been tempted to fake a migraine and leave, the only thing stopping him was the fact that Shepard hadn’t left yet. He hadn’t had an opportunity to talk to her since before the ceremony, but he held on to hope that he would have a chance before the night was over. 

Before long, music started playing through their corner of the Presidium. It was digital, and had an odd sound to it, but it was apparent they were trying to imitate the brass bands that usually played at Alliance events. Kaidan was oddly grateful for the attempt at something that would be familiar to the humans in attendance. Kaidan looked passed the wall of people in front of him and found Shepard, sitting at a table alone. It was strange that he was the one being bombarded and she was sitting in a dark corner looking almost bored. Her legs crossed, and the heel hanging off her toes as she sipped her drink. Even at this distance, he noticed the way her eyes sparkled when the stray light caught them. 

He took a moment and listened to the music playing before placing his hand on the shoulder of the Turians who was standing immediately in front of him. “Excuse me,” He said and the alien moved at his urging, giving him enough room to escape the people surrounding him. He walked a direct path to the Commander, his heart pounding harder with every step. He’d lost an opportunity once. With the galaxy crumbling around them, he wouldn’t miss another one. Her eyes met his as he approached, and a smile tugged at her lips and his step faltered slightly. She was stunning. 

“Major,” She greeted when he reached her, and he shook his head gently while smirking.

“May I?” He asked barely bending at the waist and holding his right hand out palm up. His left hand was resting behind him on his lower back. His gaze locked on her face as she looked from his hand to his eyes and back again. He noticed her blush slightly. She whispered his name, unsure, and he didn’t move. He simply waited, hand held out. He watched her give in as she tossed back the last of her drink and set down the glass before letting her breath escape and sliding her hand in his. Her skin was warm, and soft as he wrapped his hand around her fingers and she stood. He took one step backwards before turning his back to her and leading her to the center of the room. When he turned to face her, and his eyes met hers, he smiled softly. 

He brought her in closer and his hand went to her hip slowly sliding across her lower back. Her eyes moved to the closing space between him and her before looking up through her lashes and meeting his eyes. Her hand trailed up his arm and across his shoulders as he held her opposite hand out. His hand moved up her spine in a soft caress to rest across her shoulder blades. She shivered. It was a very appropriate ballroom hold. She chewed her lip and, thankfully, let him lead her around the room in a simple waltz. For only a moment, he could feel the eyes of those in the room on them as they danced, but when he caught her eyes again, everything around them was a little hazy. 

They had never really danced together before, except that one night in their hotel room but that was, well, different. As they glided across the room, it was as if they had spent years training to dance together. Each step was natural and easy, and perfect in its placement and speed. They moved as one. The push and pull of the music guided them and they took their cues from the minute movement of their muscles.  


He could feel her - everywhere. Where she was pressed against him in his hold, of course. In his hands and in his arms, obviously. He could feel the gentle hum of her biotics. Her new implant had changed it, but it was still her. It pulsed beneath the surface and ignited a desire in him he had thought dead. He could feel her breathing quicken under his hand. He could smell the sweet spearmint and almost whiskey she had been drinking as her breath brushed across his cheek. With her this close, he could feel her deep inside, where his heart beat and his stomach churned with excitement. The proximity made him dizzy. The subtle changes in her appearance didn’t matter. This was Shepard, his Shepard. 

As his eyes searched hers, he felt the tug of hope when he saw the heat he had been missing return to her gentle gaze. She chewed her lip and dropped her head looking away from him. In response, he pulled her closer, more snugly against his frame, and he felt her sharp intake of breath. Every sensation was heightened with her pressed so close to him. He could hear his heart pounding in his ears and could feel hers trying to jump out of her chest. 

He felt her hand fist in his shirt as his collar tightened. She trembled slightly as his arm wrapped around her more firmly. She lifted her head slowly, and met his eyes. His body thrummed with anticipation. He pressed his forehead to hers, and she closed her eyes. He felt her body fill before she let out a deep sigh. His nose brushed lightly against hers, and her breath caught in her throat as her tongue darted out to wet her lips. 

The music slowed and stopped, and the room was suddenly alive with noise as the crowd observing applauded. Her eyes flew open and she released his shirt and pressed her hands to his chest, trying to push away from him, to put some distance between them. Her eyes wide and cheeks red with embarrassment at their public display. He refused to release her, holding her tight against him. He whispered her name, “Shepard,” and she stilled her struggle and allowed him to wrap both arms around her waist. She hesitated, but eventually she returned his embrace, her arms winding around his neck. Her face buried in his neck. He held her and he tried to memorize how she felt. He thought he remembered what she had felt like, but this was nothing close to the memories he had held on to for so long. After a brief eternity, he relaxed his hold on her.

He shivered as he released her and she pulled away. Her eyes darted around the room before she turned her back to him. Without saying anything she moved quickly through the space, towards the exit. Her hand covering her mouth as she went. As he moved to follow her, he was cut off by another group of alien higher-ups and knew it was his responsibility to stay. Suddenly cognizant of the scene they had created, his eyes moved over the crowd. He was eager to see who from the Alliance had been here to witness their transgressions first hand. Thankfully, Hackett was nowhere to be seen. Though, Kaidan’s eyes landed on Udina. 

The rat-faced Councilor looked less than enthused.


	52. Chapter 52

Kaidan stood, his feet shoulder width apart, eyes on the scope of his pistol aimed dead center on the closed elevator doors. He could feel his biotic amp buzzing at the base of his skull, itching to let loose. His heart thundered in his ears as the adrenaline pumped through his veins. His mind spun as he struggled with the direction this day had taken.

The doors started to open, and he shifted taking an almost imperceptible step forward as his grip tightened on his gun and his finger tensed on the trigger. He felt his insides turn to ice when the doors opened and he found himself staring into a set of heartbreakingly familiar cerulean eyes. 

He had woken that morning, feeling no different since being made a Spectre. Yet, when he thought of Shepard and his dance, holding her against his chest, feeling her breath on his skin, he felt an undercurrent of excitement and positivity. He hadn’t even gotten out of bed when he opened the messaging program on his ‘tool. He sent her a note, asking when she was scheduled to leave and if she thought they would have time to meet up before then. He suggested lunch at Apollo’s. He sent off the request before throwing the blanket off himself. 

He’d nearly finished his morning exercise routine when he finally got the response from her. “Our departure was pushed back. Valern wants to see me, said it’s urgent. I’m meeting him in about an hour. We’re leaving at 1400. Maybe we could meet at the Spectre office at around 1330?”

He couldn’t deny the disappointment. She was suggesting the Spectre office half an hour before she had to leave. She was keeping it business. He chewed the inside of his cheek as he sent his reply, accepting the time and place. He would take whatever he could get. In the meantime, he had his own meeting with Udina and the rest of the Council. He assumed they wanted to talk to him about his mission, and posting. He hoped they would leave it up to him instead of ordering him someplace other than the Normandy, or the Fifth Fleet if the Normandy fell through. He couldn’t be sure he’d get a spot on the ship until he spoke to Shepard. 

He chuckled quietly as he finished his shower. He never would have imagined a position with the Fifth Fleet would be a back-up plan. He dressed in his BDUs, slid his amp into the port and discharged against the sink before moving into the living area of his quarters. He grabbed his sidearm and made his way towards the Presidium and the Council’s offices.

It was a bright day on the station. Every day was bright with the artificial sky, but his steps were lighter as he reached the transit station to call a car. After weeks of being stuck in the hospital, and taken out of the fight, he was finally getting back into it. It didn’t take long for him to reach Udina’s office. He was let inside, and Udina was there with Tevos and Sparatus. 

Udina gestured for him to join them at the table in the corner of the room. He did, maintaining his posture and resting his hands in his lap as he waited for them to speak. “Unfortunately, Valern was unable to meet with us this morning. He said something came up that required his attention,” Tevos said almost absently, and without pulling her eyes from her omni-tool. Kaidan kept his face still and gave no indication that he knew what Valern was doing. For whatever reason he had felt the need to keep it from the rest of the council. “We wanted to know what your plans were, now that you’re a Spectre. It is generally understood that you will be fighting the Reapers, as you should,” Tevos added, immediately getting to the point of the meeting. 

“We know you have received multiple offers, most recently from Admiral Hackett and the Fifth Fleet, is that right?” Sparatus asked, his cool blue Turian gaze seemed to burn through him, and Kaidan shifted slightly.

“Yes, that’s correct,” He answered, and the Council members nodded, “but I am hoping to speak with Commander Shepard before she and the Normandy leave the station today.” They looked up, and he felt the weight of their gaze, but was able to sit firmly, secure in his decision. 

“I don’t think that’s a very good idea,” Udina said, twitching slightly in his seat. Kaidan felt his eyes narrow as he glared at him. Tevos asked what Udina’s concern was, and Kaidan waited, unmoving, for his explanation. Udina stuttered momentarily, glancing down at his omni-tool again before speaking, “I don’t know that Shepard should be trusted,” Kaidan felt the anger bubbling in his core at his words, “She worked with Cerberus, who knows how long she has been working with them, and I think it’s hard to believe she completely cut ties with the organization. I think if we trust her, we’ll end up regretting it.”

Kaidan was glad Tevos spoke up again before he could, “Nonsense,” She said, waving off Udina’s concern. “We’ve already decided to trust her when we allowed her to keep her Spectre status,” She gave Udina no further consideration before turning to Kaidan. 

“I think that would be a good fit for you. It is known that the Normandy, and Shepard, will be at the head of the opposition,” The Asari glanced at Sparatus before continuing. “I think you will be very effective working together.”

“Should two Spectres even serve on the same ship? Shouldn’t we spread our resources?” Udina asked, his eyes darting down to his ‘tool again before looking up towards Tevos and Sparatus. 

“It is uncommon,” Sparatus acknowledged, “but not unprecedented. I agree with Tevos. They have experience working together, and previous missions were a success,” Sparatus agreed, dismissing Udina’s concern. It bolstered Kaidan to hear their support of his desire to work with her again. “What are your plans if she has no room for you?” 

Kaidan felt the rush of anxiety burning in his ears at the possibility, “I’ll accept Admiral Hackett’s offer.”

Kaidan had no sooner spoken the words when a loud rumble started somewhere in the distance. It seemed to move closer, growing louder as it did. Alarms sounded all over the station. Kaidan’s eyes moved over the room as the floor started to shake beneath his feet. He watched the fear play on the faces of the Council. He tried reaching out to C-Sec. There was no response. He tried again, still nothing. The lights flickered above them as the station’s power grid was affected by the blasts.

“We can’t just sit here! We have to get to the Ascension!” Udina shouted, over the blaring sirens and not so distant explosions. Kaidan stood, drawing his pistol. Suddenly wishing he’d worn his armor instead of just his BDUs. 

“He’s right,” Tevos said standing, her eyes opened wide and darting around the room. Sparatus stood, his taloned hands clenched at his sides. He seemed to know he had to leave but wanted to stay and fight. There were gunshots in the hallway and Kaidan cursed. He moved to the doorway, pressed his back to the wall next to the door, and signaled for them to move further into the room. He opened the door slightly, peering down the hall. He was just in time to see troops dressed in a too familiar white and yellow uniform moving in and out of other rooms off the hall. 

He counted half a dozen, moving through area and executing anyone they found. “Cerberus! It’s Shepard! She had this planned! It’s why she came here!” Udina whispered behind him, and Kaidan turned disgusted eyes towards him. The disappointment was a knot in his core as he noticed the doubt in the other’s eyes as well. 

“Shut up!” Kaidan scolded, “Get behind the desk.” He ordered and they moved to safety. He could hear the agents in the room next door, and wondered where Shepard was. He waited, and listened. He heard them leave the room. Their harsh voices nearly growled as they moved towards their door. It popped open and Kaidan pulled the trigger, putting a bullet in the agent’s head and he fell to the floor. His biotics ignited easily, and he Lifted the two agents immediately behind him while he opened fire and took out the trooper that followed. He ducked back behind the door as the two remaining agents let loose. He waited for them to reload and readied his tech attack. He overloaded their weapons and heard their frustrated yells at their inactive weapons before he moved into the hall. He hit one with his modded cryo ammo, freezing him, before following it up with normal rounds. The trooper ice sculpture erupted, and Kaidan Threw the remaining trooper back with such force, he heard the crack of his helmeted head against the wall. It was loud enough Kaidan was sure he wouldn’t get up again. 

He signaled for the Council to follow him. His body buzzed with the biotic energy at his disposal. His heart raced, exhilarated by the chance to fight, yet terrified at the unknown. He was glad they weren’t far from the shuttle docks. Hopefully, there would be a shuttle available that could link up with the Ascension. Once he had the Council safe, he could focus on their attackers. 

He tried calling station security again, and was surprised when a familiar, gravelly voice answered, “Major Alenko? Is that you?” 

“Thane?” Kaidan answered as he held his arm out for the Council to stop. He gestured for them to stand near the wall, and out of the line of sight from around the corner they’d come to as he opened his ‘tool. “Where are you?”

“C-Sec,” His answer came without delay and barely audibly. “It’s been compromised. Cerberus troopers are everywhere.”

“Tell me about it,” Kaidan whispered as he looked around the corner and was glad to see the coast was clear. They skirted down the hall moving as quickly and quietly as they could. “Have you heard from Shepard?” Kaidan asked, clenching his jaw but not responding to the jeer Udina let out behind him. 

“Negative. Are you with the Council?” The assassin asked, and Kaidan didn’t hesitate to respond. Shepard trusted him; he figured he could, too. He answered in the affirmative. “Good. Shepard was last seen heading this way with the Salarian Councilor. I’ll see if I can meet up with her,” He answered.

“Keep safe, Thane,” Kaidan responded. 

“Godspeed, Major,” The Drell responded and Kaidan was surprised at the Human phrase but didn’t have time to react to it as bullets bounced off the wall near him. 

He cursed, throwing up a barrier that stretched from the ceiling to the floor and around himself and the three Councilors. He had only a moment to notice the look of amazement on Udina’s pointed face. His energy flared blue as each round bounced off and down the hall. He spun quickly, pushing the biotic energy down the hall, hitting two of the troopers with a Throw and knocking down the pair behind them in the process. He fired a few shots with his pistol as he continued to lead the Councilors. It seemed like it was taking too long for them to reach the transit station.

By the time they were nearing the elevator that would take them to the shuttles, he could feel the heat of the amp at the base of his head. The tension was stretching up the back of his neck and towards his temples where it would make its home in a spectacular migraine. He bit back the thought and focused on the task at hand. There was a sheen of sweat under his uniform, and he was breathing heavy. He discharged another spent thermal clip with a hiss of his pistol. If he had time to think about the distance they’d crossed and the body count behind him, he would have been surprised they had made it unharmed.  
He supposed this proved his worth as a Spectre.

He punched the button for the elevator, thankful for a brief reprieve, at least all their sides would be covered while in the small car. He ushered the Council in first before stepping on and pressing the button for the transit level. The confusion and fear was heavy in the sudden silence of the elevator. He could hear their heavy breathing behind him, and forced himself to remain calm, almost stoic. He knew, instinctively, they would take their cues from him and if he panicked, they would. After a moment, he heard a loud noise from the roof of the elevator. “Get down!” He shouted and flared, filling the car with the barrier as he pointed his pistol towards the ceiling. They were in the elevator shafts? 

The car stopped, and the doors opened. Kaidan kept his pistol aimed at the top of the car and split his attention between his mark and the Council. He followed them out anxious to get them to the Ascension. Cursing under his breath, he took the risk of spending precious seconds securing the elevator doors after they closed behind them. He needed to be sure whoever was on top of the car didn’t follow them. He heard Sparatus announce that Cerberus had taken out the shuttles and turned to confirm. He nearly groaned as he started to move away from the elevator but he paused when he heard the tell-tale sound of someone hacking their way through the door. “Get down!” He’d shouted at the Council. 

He waited, gun drawn, and pointed at the elevator doors. His stomach turned cold and dropped when Shepard appeared through the hacked doorway. “See!” He heard Udina shouting behind him, “I told you! I knew it! She’s with Cerberus!” His voice was high pitched and frantic. Kaidan struggled to ignore it as it grated on his nerves.

“Shepard?” He asked, simply glad his voice didn’t crack with surprise as he watched her exit the elevator. His eyes darted briefly between her, Garrus, and James.

“Kaidan,” She sounded relieved as she signaled for them to lower their weapons. He may not be in their sights anymore, but neither of them holstered their weapons. Kaidan eyed them for a moment before turning his attention to the Commander.

“What’s going on, Shepard?” He asked, as his eyes searched hers. He realized after a few seconds that she wasn’t pointing her pistol at him.

She was pointing it at Udina.

“Udina’s working with Cerberus,” Shepard said the words, and Kaidan felt his brow crease. He knew Udina was shouting behind him. Calling her a liar, throwing the same accusations he’d been spouting all morning. “Valern confirmed it. He’s trying to seize control.” Her voice was steady, even, and assured.

“Please,” Udina stated, as he moved closer to Kaidan, “You have no proof. You never do.” He accused and Kaidan felt his presence like ants on his skin. He shuddered as he realized it wasn’t a denial. Kaidan thought about the Councilor’s odd behavior all morning, and even the night before. His discomfort and anxiety seemed too much even for him. He looked at Shepard, his gun still drawn, still not aimed; though hers remained over his shoulder.

“There are Cerberus troops behind us, if you open the elevator door they will kill you,” She warned them, shifting in place. Kaidan could sense the anxiety she felt. It rolled off her in waves and made him a little lightheaded. He could tell she wanted to shoot.

“The shuttles have been destroyed!” Udina shouted the obvious and moved to the controls. “Our way out is through those doors; I’m overriding the lock!” He stated as his hands started on the panel.

“Kaidan,” She whispered his name; she was asking him to believe in her, to trust her. He simply nodded once and turned.

“Udina, stop,” His voice demanded, and a thickness fell over the area. He could hear it, like water in his ears. This was one of those moments. He knew he would look back on this and know it changed his life. The Human Councilor was in his sights, and defying his order to stop. Tevos moved towards Udina, trying to stop him from opening the door.

It all happened so fast. It was over before he grasped that it had started. One second he was giving Udina the chance to listen. The next, Tevos was on her back having been knocked down by Udina, and Udina was dead. Bleeding from the center of his chest, he’d been hit with a clear kill shot. It took Kaidan a full thirty seconds to realize he had pulled the trigger. It took another thirty seconds for it to register that Udina had, in fact, pulled a gun on Tevos.

Sparatus was at Tevos’s side in an instant, helping her to her feet. Kaidan went to Udina, and rolled him to his back with the toe of his boot. His rat-like sightless eyes passed over him as his body turned. Kaidan shuddered as he crouched down and check for a pulse. It was useless. With the blood already pooled and sticky beneath his feet, there was no way the man was alive. Why didn’t he listen? He stood and moved back towards Shepard shaking his head. He needed to distance himself from the metallic scent of human blood. It was nauseating, and with the tension he still felt near his implant, it was more than he could handle.  


“The door!” Tevos shouted, her voice trembled as her body systems tried to relax from the events of the day. In the back of his mind, he acknowledged how odd it sounded to hear her so clearly shaken. Kaidan turned to see the door was being forced open. The intruders burning the lock up the seam. His heart raced, and he flared, barely noticing when Shepard glanced at him. He was sheathed in blue and ready to take out whatever was on the other side. 

Then the door opened to reveal C-Sec officers, who seemed to know Shepard. His biotic energy faded, and he felt a little dizzy at the rush of unused power. When asked about the supposed Cerberus troopers that had been following them, Commander Bailey of C-Sec confirmed they took off through the tunnels. Kaidan braced himself on the railing and looked over the smoking Presidium. It looked like the war finally made its presence known on the Citadel. He glanced over at Udina’s body as the coppery scent assaulted his senses again. He sighed, an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach as he watched Tevos and Sparatus thank Shepard for saving them, again. 

Shepard dismissed their thanks turning to Bailey, and Kaidan overheard her question, “How is Thane?” The concern that laced her simple question shot straight to Kaidan’s chest. He chased the jealousy away with thoughts of her confirming that nothing happened between her and the Drell.

“He’s at Huerta, in surgery. Their concerned about his blood loss combined with his disease,” Bailey reached a hand out and placed it on her shoulder. “His son, Kolyat, is already there,” He said. His words, and the tone, told Kaidan Thane wasn’t going to make it. He instantly felt ridiculous for his jealousy. Shepard turned and met his eyes. The fear there made Kaidan’s chest ache.

“Go,” He said simply, “I’ve got this.” He motioned towards the Council and Udina’s body in a small, sweeping gesture. She nodded, and without another word took off towards the hospital. Kaidan sighed, and Bailey walked over opening his omni’tool to take his statement. 

He reached up and rubbed the back of his neck, hoping against the migraine he could already feel building. He thought back on this morning and wondered, ‘How the hell did I end up here?


	53. Chapter 53

It was well into the Citadel’s night cycle when Kaidan finally walked out of Commander Bailey’s office at C-Sec, what was left of it at least. The station seemed to have that cold feeling of waking up from a beautiful dream and knowing no matter what you do you’ll never be able to get back where you were. Thankfully, the area hardest hit by the Cerberus coup attempt was the Presidium. The Wards, where people lived, were less impacted. At least the souls who lived and worked here had some place to go to get away from the destruction. It looked like the war had finally made it to the Citadel. 

At this point, the station was still crawling with C-Sec officers, scanning the damage. Some spots still smoldered from the explosions that had rocked the foundation, giving off a pungent, elemental smell. He was glad his headache hadn’t progressed into a full migraine, it made passing through the damage much easier. He nodded as he passed an officer whose name he should have remembered, but didn’t. He pulled his bag up further on his shoulder as he reached the elevator that would take him down to the docking bay.

He had checked with Station control. The Normandy was still docked, which meant Shepard hadn’t left yet. He was grateful, but knew it didn’t bode well for Thane if she was still here. He had a sick feeling in his stomach that the Drell wasn’t going to make it. Throughout the course of his reporting, which took much longer than he would have liked, he had spoken with Valern. Cerberus had sent an assassin to take out the rest of the Council while they were distracted by the frontal assault. According to the Salarian, he would have been successful if Thane hadn’t reached them when he had. Thane had managed to distract the Cerberus assassin, allowing Shepard to keep him safe, but Thane had been critically wounded in the process. 

He stepped off the elevator in the docking bay and his eyes landed on the Normandy, glistening in Alliance blue and grey. She really did look much better in Alliance colors. It was oddly satisfying knowing they had stripped all remnants of Cerberus off her before they left Earth. He didn’t know how much longer Shepard would be, but he decided to wait a bit yet before he reached out to her. He assumed she was still at Huerta, and if she was, disturbing her would only upset her more. Instead, he stopped just outside the airlock doors, set his bag down at his feet, and leaned on the railing looking over the landing area. 

Thankfully, the docks hadn’t been too damaged by the attack. There was a greater C-Sec presence here now, but that was the only sign that anything was different. As he looked over the landing area, however, he could see parts of the station that had been damaged. It was unfortunate, the station’s scars from the Battle of the Citadel three years ago had finally seemed to heal, and now she was blemished again. He wondered if the station would ever look the way it did that first time he was here with Ashley and Shepard. Grandiose and gleaming, a city in space and protected by the best in the galaxy. The place where it all started; where they met Garrus and Wrex, where Shepard had been made a Spectre. It felt like a lifetime ago. In some ways, it was. 

He knew that behind him, there was a group of survivors and refugees from planets already hit by Reaper forces building a memorial for those lost or missing since the Reapers arrived. He could hear them, and the quiet sounds of their grief, but he couldn’t bring himself to turn around and look. Instead, he opened his omni’tool and looked through his saved messages. He read over the last few contacts from his parents, and for a brief moment, allowed the fear to wash over him. It was hot in his chest, and thick in his throat as his eyes blurred moving over his mother’s words. 

She worried about him, “Make sure you’re eating enough.” She always worried too much. She was proud of him, “You’ve done so much good, Kaidan, I’m glad the Alliance has recognized that. A Major. Your father was nearly fifty when he reached that rank!” He swallowed hard. She loved him, “I love you, so much, Kaidan. Take care of yourself, and come home again, soon.” Home. He hoped there would be a place to return to. 

He sighed, and closed down the tool. He scrubbed his hands over his face hoping to rub away any excess moisture from his eyes before they spilled over and trailed down his cheeks. He wondered if his mom would be proud of his actions today. He’d killed a man. A man that had been proven to have worked with a terrorist organization, a man who had been in the middle of a coup, and had pulled a weapon on an unarmed Councilor. Still. Wouldn’t it have been better to apprehend him? To arrest him, bring him in, try him, and sentence him instead of dishing out the ultimate punishment?

He wasn’t upset Udina was dead. He was upset that he had killed him. Familiar emotions that stirred something deep inside. Something he hadn’t felt since he was seventeen and he’d lost control and killed Vyrnnus on reflex; a reflex that had taken another man’s life today. He sighed and looked down to his hands, flexing them open and closed. Udina had given him no choice. There really was no way the man would have let Kaidan take him in. Pulling that gun on Tevos had sealed his fate. Suicide by Spectre. Kaidan shook his head lightly. He had no regrets. 

He took a deep breath in through his nose, and it caught as he recognized a light almost floral scent on the air. He turned his head, and saw her approaching. Her head was down, and her hands deep in her pockets. He turned and leaned against the railing, waiting for her to look up and see him. She was barely a step away when her eyes lifted and met his. The pure sadness he found there stunned him silent. “Kaidan,” She breathed his name and it shot right through his chest. She looked confused for a moment, then realization dawned on her features, and she reached out and placed a hand on his arm. It burned for the second she left it there before she pulled it away. “I forgot, I’m sorry, you wanted to talk to me. What’s up?” She asked as she moved in front of him. He was caught off guard at the way she seemed to turn off her grief and switch to business.

“Shepard, are you okay?” He asked, concern thick in his tone. “How is Thane?”

Her eyes dropped and she turned and copied the stance he’d held moments before, forearms on the railing, back bent, and looking over the landing area, and the Normandy. Her silence was stifling, and Kaidan said nothing else. He watched her for a moment, then turned and stood with her. She sighed; it shook with emotion, “He’s gone.” She whispered, confirming Kaidan’s suspicion. 

“I’m sorry,” He answered, quickly but sincerely, and her head dropped for a moment. She had just lost another friend, Mordin, on Tuchanka. He knew this war was only going to get worse. More people were going to die, people they knew. His eyes moved over her and he felt the panic clench his chest when he considered the very real possibility that she could die during this war. He swallowed hard, and she lifted her eyes and met his. That’s why he wanted on the Normandy. He wanted to watch her six. 

“Thanks,” She answered simply, and forced a smile but it didn’t reach her eyes. “Thane is, was, a good man. He was conflicted. He’d spent his life as an assassin, and by the end was simply seeking an absolution. A way to atone. What I don’t understand is…” She paused and cleared her throat looking away from him. Kaidan watched her as she spoke, as she processed her thoughts. He could see the frustration and grief, what surprised him was the anger that played beneath the surface. “I don’t understand why … he was a religious man. Did you know Drell are polytheistic?” She asked turning her eyes towards him again, he shook his head. He didn’t know much about Drell. Her thoughts were clearly scattered as she interrupted herself repeatedly. Her hands were twisting in front of her. Her voice was soft, and heavy when she continued, “His last wish, his son Kolyat, said a prayer as he died, a prayer Thane had asked him to say, asking for forgiveness and understanding… for me,” She said, in a whisper. She dropped her eyes from him, and turned towards the open air again. “I just,” Her voice was hoarse with emotion as she spoke, “I don’t understand, he had his fucking pistol to that goddamn assassin’s temple, right there, and he didn’t take the shot. Why? Why didn’t he take the shot?” She asked, her hands clenched, and her eyes narrow. “He would still be here if he had.”

Kaidan took a risk, and reached out and took her hand, “Come here,” he said, ignoring the look of apprehension on her face as she held his hand back and let him lead her to a bench. “Talk to me, tell me what happened,” He said as he sat and she fell onto the bench beside him, tucking one leg up beneath her and facing him. She sighed and pulled her hand from his to rub her face. He ignored the pang he felt when she broke their connection. He watched as she reached up and pulled the four pins from her hair, letting it fall down and frame her face. His chest clenched. 

She went into detail about the attack, confirming what Valern had told him. Confirming that Thane had saved the Councilor. Thane had saved her, again, and Kaidan closed his eyes sending up a prayer of thanks to the departed Drell. The Cerberus agent had moved with a power and grace that Shepard had never seen before. He had bested her. That wasn’t something she was used to. She sighed deeply as she finished speaking, and her face seemed lighter just from hashing it out, going over it again. She was quiet for a long minute, as she processed, and Kaidan let her think. She chewed her lip and ran her hands roughly through her long hair. “I guess, I mean, he wasn’t an assassin anymore,” Her voice was quiet as she worked through her thoughts and emotions. “He wouldn’t have taken the shot because he wasn’t there to assassinate anyone. He was there to stop him, and he did. Valern is still alive, I’m still alive, because he was there.” She lifted her eyes and met his, gone was the anger at Thane and it was replaced by a simple sadness. She chewed her lip. Her eyes were still dim, but she offered him a brief smile, which he returned. 

The silence stretched between them for a few moments as they sat, reflecting on the day. She turned her head and looked over the landing area, her eyes on the Normandy and the stretch of stars beyond it. He kept his eyes on her profile, studying it. Cerberus may have removed her scars, but they got the scattering of freckles over her nose and cheeks just right. His heart pounded as the familiar smell of plum blossoms filled his head. He wanted to broach the subject of the Normandy but he didn’t want to break the comfortable silence that filled the air between them. It was familiar, and warm and he loved it. After a time, she turned towards him again, her sapphire eyes reflecting the dim lighting of night on the station. He wondered if she knew how beautiful she was. 

She smiled and placed her hand on his arm momentarily. “Now, I was supposed to be half way to my next destination by now. What was it you wanted to talk to me about?” She asked as she pulled her hair back and twisted it up off her neck, securing it in its bun with the four pins. He smiled at the familiarity of the action. He was speaking with Commander Shepard again.

“Well, I wanted to let you know,” He leaned back, stretching one arm out along the back of the bench and next to her. His hand rested near her shoulder. “Hackett offered me a spot with the Fifth Fleet,” He felt a rush of warm pride at the smile that graced her features at his announcement. 

“That’s perfect, Kaidan,” Shepard grinned, “Hackett will understand how to use your abilities. He’ll give you the freedom to work. He trusts you, and knows you,” She paused as she thought over it for a moment, and Kaidan could taste the bitterness of anxiety on the back of his tongue. “I can’t think of a better place for you,” She admitted after a quiet moment.

“I can,” He confessed, and she met his eyes. Her brow creased with confusion, and her head cocked at him. He was amazed she would need an explanation, “I would turn it down in a second if I thought there was room for me on the Normandy.”

Surprise was clear in her wide eyes and slack jaw, and Kaidan felt the uncertainty racing through his veins. “Really?” She asked, her voice breaking slightly at the end of her question as her eyes searched his. 

“Yeah,” He answered with a nod, like it needed no further explanation. 

It didn’t need further explanation, as a smile pulled at the corners of her mouth and his heart soared at the excitement in her eyes. “I didn’t think you’d ask,” She admitted, a full grin on her face and he returned it. “Well, shit, let’s go. We should be half way to our next destination already,” She answered simply as she stood. He watched her as she walked towards the airlock door. His eyes moved over her form as she retreated. She still looked too thin, but he would see that she ate, even if he had to cook for her himself. He allowed himself an improper moment to admire the curve of her hips and legs as she walked. She stopped and turned to look at him, catching him in his appraisal. A sculpted eyebrow lifted and she placed a hand on her cocked hip. 

He grinned at her, unashamed, as he stood. He watched as her eyes moved over him, as if in response to his gaze. He brushed passed her, and her eyes followed as he moved to where his bag sat and he thought he heard her laugh as he bent slightly to lift it and sling it over his shoulder. He met her at the door of the Normandy, it opened for them, and she let him step on first. They stood close as the door closed, and the air cycled. The decontamination process started, and the hum of the scanner filled the small room as she pulled up her omni’tool. The orange glow lighting her face, and casting interesting shadows over her cheekbones. 

He remained silent as she worked, processing information on the ‘tool, informing Alliance Command and the Council of Kaidan’s place on her ship. After a quiet moment, she looked up, “Well, it’s official. Welcome to the Normandy, Major.” Her eyes were full of something; something familiar and warm. He didn’t want to look away, and it was almost as if she were daring him by holding his gaze. Her eyes sparkled and she chewed her lip. 

He felt the smile playing on his lips, “Thanks, Commander.” He barely moved closer to her. She didn’t back away, and his heart pounded as he invaded her personal space. The familiar smell of plum blossoms filled his head, and made him a little dizzy. He reached out and took her hand briefly squeezing her fingers. She bit her lip as the contact caused a spark of biotic energy to flare on her fingertips. He grinned.

“Commander,” EDI’s digital, pleasantly female, voice rang out in the small area, breaking their moment, and she pulled her hand from and replied, keeping her eyes on Kaidan’s. “With Liara in the XO’s cabin, will Major Alenko be comfortable in the Crew Quarters or should I inform Liara that she will have to move?” 

“EDI,” Kaidan answered before Shepard could, “Liara doesn’t have to move for me. A bunk is better than a sleeper pod any day; I’ll be fine,” He answered, as the decontamination cycle ended with a ding. If things went the way he wanted them to, he wouldn’t be in the crew quarters long, anyway. 

“Very well,” She answered, “EDI out.” 

The doors opened to the Bridge, and the air around Shepard cooled instantly as she switched back to full Commander Mode. Single mindedly, she exited first turning left and going to the cockpit. “Joker, announce a debrief in twenty.” Kaidan stood and watched for a moment, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. Shepard was standing behind Joker and speaking about their next stop. Kaidan turned and watched as the Alliance personnel worked at their Navigation stations. Beyond that, the CIC bustled with activity as the crew prepared to take off from the Citadel. 

He took a deep breath and let it out very slowly. He turned towards the cockpit and found Shepard watching him. He smiled, and she returned it. 

They were home.


	54. Chapter 54

Kaidan was in the War Room less than twenty minutes later. He had taken advantage of the time to drop his bag off in the Crew Quarters, acknowledging those who stopped to salute him. He hadn’t realized, until then, how awkward it would be to share a living space with those he outranked. Not awkward for him, but for them. He knew, from experience, how important it was to have a place to go, to relax, without the watchful eye of your CO. After noticing the uneasy glances they passed back and forth, he slung his bag back over his shoulder and left. He ignored the sighs of relief he heard behind him and stepped into the hall. 

“Major Alenko?” He heard EDI’s voice, but it had a clear direction. He turned towards it, expecting to see the blue orb that signified her presence, and felt the blood drain from his face when he looked in to the mechanical eyes of the Cerberus synthetic that nearly killed him. He knew his heart was racing, and his biotics reacted instantly; as if on reflex, a barrier sprang to life around him. 

It surprised him how human the face looked as he read shock and regret on its mechanical features. Its hands lifted, palm out, and its head shook. “No, Major, it’s EDI,” He heard EDI’s voice coming from this machine. His biotics fizzled out, and his head spun a bit at the rush of unspent power. It was then he noticed the subtle changes. The way passive way it stood, the gentle relaxation of its eyes, and the fact that it was dressed in Alliance fatigues were all telling signs that it had not followed him here to finish the job.

It took a moment, then he laughed at himself as he shook his head. “EDI, you look…” His eyes moved over her form. If he hadn’t seen her face, he would never have known she wasn’t human. 

“Jeff has already expressed his appreciation for this form. It is something I have come to expect,” She said as she stood back, placing a hand on a cocked hip, reminding him immediately of Shepard. He laughed, again, shaking his head. 

“I bet he has,” He said, grinning. “Did you need something, EDI?” He asked, glancing quickly at his ‘tool to check the time. 

“I wanted to let you know, if the Crew Quarters are not sufficient, the Starboard Observation Deck is empty most of the time. There are couches, and comfortable chairs that may be more suitable for you, for the time being,” EDI offered, and Kaidan felt himself relax. It would be better, for all involved. He thanked her, and she nodded stepping easily around him. She avoided his personal space to be sure he wasn’t threatened. He chuckled lightly as he moved towards the Deck to drop off his bag before heading up to the War Room.

He stepped off the elevator and rounded the corner. He met with the soldiers guarding the War Room: Privates Bethany Westmoreland and Sarah Campbell. He nodded when they saluted and stepped through the scanner. At first, he had felt this added level of security was unnecessary. Then he thought of the reports of the Collectors abducting the crew. If the ship was somehow compromised, their attackers – be it Cerberus or Reaper forces – would have access to their plans and resources and that would secure their defeat. It was a necessary, if annoying step, as he waited for the scanner to ensure he wasn’t armed before he stepped into the Conference Room. 

One thing that had surprised Kaidan about the Normandy upon her return to the Alliance was the sheer size of her. Cerberus had done more than rebuild her, they had improved her, which Kaidan hadn’t thought possible. This area of the ship held the conference room, the War Room, and the Communication center. The conference room was small, with see through walls that allowed the inhabitants to see out the windows of the ship to the stars surrounding them. There was a short hallway which led to the War Room. The War Room housed dozens of stations where the assigned personnel could track resources and manage communication and research for the war effort. Just off that room was the Quantum Entanglement Communications room. The QEC allowed them to reach nearly anyone they needed to. They could even reach Earth. It was amazing technology, and Kaidan found himself searching for a reason to use it; trying to contact his parents wasn’t a priority – even if it was something he wished for multiple times a day.

His thoughts were interrupted when the Communications Specialist, Samantha Traynor, entered the conference room, her eyes down on the datapad in her hands, face obscured by her dark brown hair. When she finally looked up, she jumped, slightly startled by Kaidan’s presence. Her black coffee colored, almond-shaped, eyes widened as she stumbled through a salute which Kaidan waved off with a friendly smile. Her milk chocolate complexion colored slightly as she apologized, her British accent was pleasant and her voice soft as she stepped further into the room. She took a space opposite Kaidan on the long side of the table. 

His attention moved from the soft spoken Specialist to the door as Liara breezed in, her steps as graceful as ever. “Kaidan!” She breathed his name and moved quickly through the room. Kaidan was momentarily surprised when she wrapped him in a hug, but returned it none-the-less. “I am so glad you are alright,” Her voice was quiet, but genuine. He thanked her and she stepped back and moved to stand with Traynor, the moment over and work back on the forefront of her mind. 

Wrex entered next, loud and boisterous as ever and Kaidan had to admit he was surprised to see the Krogan. Garrus and Vega entered immediately after, and Vega grinned at him while Garrus stayed quiet, his cold Turian gaze moving over him once before he turned away from him, “Major Alenko,” Vega greeted saluting him, and Kaidan waved him off before he extended his hand. “Glad to see you back on your feet,” The Lieutenant offered, accepting his hand and Kaidan thanked him.

“It’s good to be back on my feet, and back on the Normandy,” Kaidan offered as he looked up towards Garrus. The Turian stood next to Traynor, his large hulking form filling the space. Kaidan could nearly feel the coolness of his stare as his sharp, blue eyes appraised him. Kaidan was surprised by the scarring on the side of Garrus’s face. He had a vague memory of them, from Horizon, but he had been too distracted to really notice them in detail. They were deep, even the mandibles on the right side had been damaged. He wondered what had happened. “It’s good to see you, Garrus,” Kaidan offered with a nod. 

“Is it?” Garrus responded shortly, his mandibles twitching unevenly, the right side moved stiffly. Kaidan felt the confusion at the anger in the undertones of Garrus’s flanging tone. Gone was the easy going C-Sec officer he had served with on the SR-1. Kaidan realized then, acknowledging his own naivety, he was not the only one who had changed over the last few years. Kaidan’s response was interrupted as Shepard entered the room, her eyes on a datapad as she chewed her lip. Kaidan watched her enter, and her eyes lifted and met his. He bit back a smile at the rush of emotion in his chest. He thought he saw a glimmer of something in her eyes. 

He heard an angry click on Garrus’s exhale, and Shepard’s eyes shifted to the Turian before moving over the room. “Alright, Wrex, I know we were supposed to be heading to the Attican Traverse to follow up on the Rachni, but Traynor received a communication that requires our immediate attention,” Shepard announced, gesturing to the young Specialist. 

She cleared her throat gently before speaking, “Cerberus has attacked the human colony of Eden Prime. They are now occupying the colony and Alliance forces are stretched too thin to attempt a liberation. They are doing what they can to aid the resistance, but it’s not enough,” Kaidan listened to her speak as his mind wandered. Jenkins. The 212. Ashley. Nihlus. Eden Prime had been the start of everything, and he tried catching Shepard’s eyes as she avoided his gaze. “In the process, we've learned that Cerberus has uncovered a major Prothean artifact,” Kaidan heard Liara’s sharp intake of breath and nearly chuckled. Some things truly never changed. “The Alliance still doesn’t know what it is, but it appears to be the reason for the attack on the colony,” Traynor finished, and set the datapad on the table in the room as a heavy silence fell over the assembled team. 

“We will have to stop there before we move anywhere else,” Shepard dictated to her team, and Kaidan jumped slightly when Wrex slammed his hands down on the table.

“Shepard! My scouts have been missing for weeks! Now, we’re supposed to sit back and wait?!” Wrex’s deep, gravel tone bounced off the walls of the room, and all eyes turned to Shepard as she crossed her arms over her chest. One sculpted eyebrow raised over narrowed eyes.

“Fuck yes, you’re going to wait!” She answered. “This is my ship, and I say where we go and what our priorities are.” Her voice was hard, cold, and angry and Kaidan felt the shift in her energy just barely, as her eyes flashed with her anger. 

“Of course you’re choosing the human colony,” Wrex snapped, unaffected by her. 

“Maybe I would have gotten to your scouts sooner if you didn’t insist on curing the fucking genophage! I’m not choosing the human colony. I’m choosing the Prothean artifact. I’m choosing to keep it out of Cerberus’ hands! I’m choosing to fight the Reaper War! You’ve met your quota for demands, Wrex!” Her voice raised, and a wave of biotic energy raced over her form. The occupants in the room shifted slightly. Her tone left no room for question. 

Wrex simply stared with one red eye for a long moment before letting a deep rumbling laugh slip from his chest, “I forgot just how big your quad is, Shepard,” and with that the tension slipped from the room like air being let out of a balloon. Her face broke into a smile, and a nervous chuckle rang out from the rest of the assembled group. 

“Joker,” She called out, looking towards the ceiling.

“Commander?” His disembodied voice responded, his tone lacking the usual tease. She ordered him to set course for Eden Prime, “Yes, Ma’am,” He answered and the comm cut off. Kaidan looked back to Shepard and shifted slightly, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“The ground team for Eden Prime will be Liara, Alenko, and myself,” Shepard announced, finally looking up and meeting Kaidan’s eyes again. He was glad she had decided to bring him with her. He nodded at her, and glanced at Liara who was beaming with excitement. He was distracted when Garrus let out a low, threatening, singular laugh. His taloned fingers tapping on the table. “We should be at the colony at 0600. Make sure you’re ready,” She dictated, “Dismissed.”

The room emptied, almost. Garrus and Kaidan stayed behind, and instantly the air changed, cooling. Kaidan swallowed hard as his eyes moved back and forth between Shepard and Garrus. “Really, Shepard, that’s your team?” Garrus asked, his two-toned voice oddly shocked, and almost disappointed. His eyes hard on Shepard, and Kaidan felt the tension creeping up the back of his neck. What had he missed?

“I didn’t stutter, Vakarian,” She answered, maintaining her stance, and her eye contact with the Turian. 

“No and I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised,” He stated, his eyes narrowed at her. “Your little boytoy finally decides to back you up so now I’m being left behind.” 

Kaidan was instantly furious. The sudden rage surprised him, and his hands clenched at his sides as his biotics ignited. Garrus must have sensed it as his eyes moved with avian speed and met his. Kaidan was shocked at the contempt he found there as Garrus leaned forward resting his hands on the edge of the table. He had once called Garrus a friend, he was entirely sure when that had changed. 

“Enough,” She growled, her voice clipped and cold, before Kaidan had a chance to respond. “Goddamn it, I feel like I have to have this fuckin conversation every fuckin time. This is my ship. This is my mission. Questions my orders or decisions again and you will no longer have a place on this ship. I will deposit you on the nearest planet, and may the Spirits have mercy on your soul. Am I clear?” She asked, her bright blue eyes flashing. 

“Clear, Commander,” He answered, his voice a near growl. The room was silent for a heated minute before Garrus turned his eyes away from the Shepard. Kaidan stared at Garrus, completely unsure where this animosity came from. The anger was still thick in his veins, he could feel it pulsing with each heartbeat. 

Garrus pushed away from the table and stormed through the door, mumbling about calibrations. Kaidan’s eyes locked on Shepard and he couldn’t hold back the question, “What the hell was that?” 

She scrubbed her hands over her face, “Don’t worry about it,” She insisted around a sigh. “I’ll talk to him later,” She promised as she met his eyes again. She looked exhausted and he had to wonder how she was sleeping; if she was sleeping. She was responsible for so much, for taking care of so much, he worried that she didn’t have time to take care of herself. He opened his mouth to speak, and was interrupted by EDI, “Shepard, Admiral Anderson is on the comm for you.”

Kaidan was warmed, and instantly jealous, at the relief that washed over her features. She thanked the AI, and held Kaidan’s eyes for a heartbeat. It looked like there was something she wanted to say, but he nodded towards the door. A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth as she turned and left the room. He followed her, and watched her over his shoulder as she rushed to the comm room. 

His stomach rumbled. He realized then it had been hours since his last meal. He turned and made his way towards the mess. He stepped off the elevator on the crew deck and rounded the corner. He met the mess sergeant and filled his plate with a biotic helping of food. He turned, and was glad when he found an open spot next to Liara. She smiled warmly at him, and waved him over. 

Funny how things change.

He thanked her as he sat next to her and tucked into his meal. He hadn’t missed the food on a warship, but it was better than going hungry, and the Normandy’s kitchen had always been better stocked than others. They let the comfortable silence fill the space between them as they ate, which Kaidan appreciated. It had been a long day. 

As their meal drew to a close, he sat back and took a long drink of his water. He met Liara’s bright blue eyes, and she smiled, “How are you feeling?” Kaidan was surprised, maybe he shouldn’t have been, by the concern in her voice. Liara and he hadn’t been close, by any stretch of imagination, but they had common ground: Shepard.

“I feel better than I have in a very long time,” He admitted, and while he meant physically, the look in her eyes told him she took it other ways, as well. He did have to agree, being back on the Normandy, with Shepard, Liara, Wrex, Garrus, and Joker really did something to him deep inside; made him feel whole in a way he hadn’t for years. 

“I think we are all happy to have you back,” She offered, and he thanked her before their attention was pulled to the forward battery as the doors opened. Garrus moved with an easy confidence down the corridor towards the mess. He nodded at the crew he passed before stopping to make quick conversation with Vega. He left the Lieutenant, laughing, to make his own tray of food at the mess counter; which he promptly took back to the battery to eat in solitude. Kaidan was concerned, and he looked to Liara, whose eyes were on the door that had closed behind the Turian. 

He couldn’t ignore the sensation that Garrus was not as happy to have him back as Liara suggested. After a tense moment, the Asari met his eyes and her cheeks turned a familiar purple. She forced a smile, “Is he alright?” Kaidan asked, and Liara sighed deeply. 

“Garrus has been through a lot since the SR-1 went down,” She admitted, and Kaidan turned slightly towards her, hoping she would be willing to share. She looked around the crowded mess and then back at Kaidan. She nodded her heads towards her cabin. He stood, gathering their dirty dishes, and followed her to her space. 

Upon entering, he instantly regretted telling EDI Liara didn’t have to vacate the quarters. The space was the size of the lounge and private with a large bed at the back on the room. It was clear, however, that it would have been quite the undertaking for the Asari to move everything, and Kaidan wanted his joining to be seamless. Liara was firmly rooted in the space. One side of the long room was covered, ceiling to floor, with vid screens that allowed her to track her Shadow Broker contacts. He was met at the door by Glyph, a drone who greeted him and wished him a good day. No, Liara was clearly at home here.  
She gestured to some chairs near the private section of the room, and Kaidan sat and watched as she joined him. She slid some datapads across the table to him and he looked up, “These are reports on Garrus’s activities after the SR-1 went down,” Liara explained and Kaidan couldn’t suppress the sigh.

“I have read enough reports, Liara, please just tell me,” He asked and she met his eyes again.

“Very well,” She agreed, and folded her hands together in her lap. She looked up and met Kaidan’s eyes and he felt momentarily guilty for talking about Garrus when he wasn’t here, but Kaidan didn’t expect the Turian to speak to him any time soon. “You know, as well as I do, that he and Shepard became friends on the first Normandy,” Liara stated, and Kaidan nodded. “After Shepard died, he couldn’t handle the way the Council smeared her name and pretended as if nothing had happened. He went to Omega, and went rogue. He built a team, they were close. For a while, there was a true police presence on the station: Archangel and his crew. Sidonis, was the first to join up with Garrus, and he betrayed them. Sidonis was captured by the Blue Suns and forced to betray Garrus and the rest of his team. Garrus ended up returning to their safe house just in time to watch it burn. All of them, his crew, his team, were killed,” Liara explained, and Kaidan felt his stomach sink. 

He knew what it was like to watch someone you were charged to protect die. Even though it wasn’t an actual military company, he knew Garrus enough to know the Turian would have felt personally responsible. It still didn’t explain his sudden anger at Kaidan. 

“Sidonis sold him out, and he ended up trapped and surrounded by all the gangs on Omega. They were closing in on him, and he was sure he was going to be killed – until Shepard arrived, that is. She joined him, and assisted him in taking out the leaders of the three gangs, but not before a rocket was fired into their building. Garrus took the brunt of the attack, and very nearly died. Shepard was able to get him on the Normandy, and Chakwas saved him. See, if Shepard hadn’t been brought back, if she hadn’t been there, he would have died on Omega,” Liara explained, and Kaidan leaned forward, resting his arms on the table. That explained why Garrus was so devoted to Shepard.

“By the time they met you on Horizon, they had been through a lot with Cerberus. They were still surrounded by Cerberus agents and not sure who to trust. I know Shepard had been looking for you, and I know she wanted to find you and bring you with her. I think Garrus was looking for the same. We all know it was the three if you on the SR-1. I think when you walked away from Shepard, in a way Garrus felt like you walked away from him, too. He was angry, and betrayed,” She explained, and Kaidan dropped his eyes as she spoke of Horizon. His biggest regret. 

“I also think something happened on the Collector homeworld. Of course, I wasn’t there and even with my reach the information is limited,” Liara continued, and when he lifted his eyes and met hers he knew she could see that she was correct. It was information he was only privy to because Thane had slipped into a memory while speaking with him. Shepard had intended to die. Perhaps Garrus blamed him, at least a little, in her decision. He looked away from her then, and she dropped the issue. “He’s not the same Turian he was when he first joined Shepard, and I think he may be surprised she is trusting you again,” Liara explained and held his eyes.

“Then, I’ll just have to prove to him that I deserve it,” He answered simply, and Liara smiled. He reached out and placed his hand over hers. “Thank you,” He offered and she nodded. It was a lot of information she didn’t have to pass on, but he was glad she had. 

As he left her to her work, and made his way back to the Starboard Observation Deck, he let her words really sink in. He hadn’t realized how his actions would have looked to the non-humans they knew, and he was more than a little embarrassed. He had his work cut out for him, but clearly Garrus fancied himself some kind of older brother figure for Shepard. He could respect that; Garrus had been there for Shepard when he hadn’t been. 

He knew that would never happen again. He just had to prove that to Shepard, and apparently, to Garrus.


	55. Chapter 55

It was hard for Kaidan to believe that this day was not over. He had spent the better part of the evening in the cargo bay ensuring he had sufficient gear for the mission on Eden Prime, and enjoying the friendly camaraderie between Vega and the shuttle pilot and requisition officer Steve Cortez. It was clear Vega and Cortez had served together before, or simply for a while. Their friendly banter made Kaidan chuckle more than once as he worked with Cortez to order his armor. 

Vega helped him gather equipment to use for the time being, and filled him in on the details of their mission on Tuchanka. Yes, Shepard cured the Genophage. She also took out a Reaper by throwing a Thresher Maw at it. Kaidan set the chest plate down on the counter in front of him and looked up at Vega with his eyebrows raised. “She threw a thresher maw at it?” Kaidan asked, disbelief heavy in his tone. 

Vega chuckled, a low rumble on his exhale, “The mother of all Thresher Maws.”

Cortez shook his head, his voice of reason bouncing off the walls of the large open cargo bay, “She didn’t throw Kalros at it; she called it with the maw hammers,” Cortez said, and Kaidan turned and looked at Cortez who held a straight face for just a moment before laughing with a half hearted shrug. “You should ask the Commander about it. I’m sure it was a lot different from her point of view,” Cortez added as he turned his attention back to his console. 

“Wait, Kalros?” Kaidan asked as his eyes moved back and forth between Vega and Cortez.

“Si, Kalros: The mother of all Thresher Maws,” Vega answered with a nod, and a smirk. “It was loco. I still can’t get over how she dodged the Reaper’s beam. It was like she was flying across the field.” Kaidan let out a chuckle. You hear about Commander Shepard and her skills all the time. It’s completely different seeing her in action. That was Shepard. Kaidan allowed himself to enjoy the back and forth for a few moments more before excusing himself. It was refreshing to see life was continuing on the ship, outside the war. 

Kaidan stepped off the elevator and onto the nearly empty CIC. It was early in the night cycle, but still, it was night so the ship was running on a skeleton crew. He knew who he’d find in the cockpit, though, and his feet were headed that way before he really decided to do so. He hadn’t seen much of the pilot since the SR-1 went down. Immediately after, Kaidan had been too busy grieving to care to keep in touch. After that, Kaidan was too busy and Joker had been grounded by the Alliance. Then, he’d fallen off the radar; Kaidan knew now he had been with Cerberus. After Cerberus, Joker had been under nearly as strict a house arrest as Shepard. 

Kaidan stood behind Joker, and took in the familiar view. He had the sense the pilot knew he was there, but Joker said nothing. His hands moved over the console as confident as ever. Slowly, Kaidan moved to the empty co-pilot seat. He had learned that EDI had taken up this position, but the seat was vacant at the moment. Kaidan stepped up next to Joker, “Hey, Kaidan! You’re back!” He exclaimed with mock excitement. Kaidan gestured to the empty seat, and Joker shrugged. Joker didn’t bother to look Kaidan’s way and he had the feeling maybe Joker shared some of Garrus’s anger. “And you remembered the number one rule about serving on the Normandy!”

“What’s that?” Kaidan asked as he slid into the seat and logged on to the console.

“Don’t shoot the Commander,” Joker deadpanned, and Kaidan turned his eyes to the sarcastic pilot. He wasn’t sure if he was seriously giving him grief but there was something about the firm set of his jaw and the tension in his fingers that told Kaidan he was.

“Never once did I aim at her,” Kaidan defended himself, and he heard Joker sigh. 

“I know,” Joker answered, his soft hazel eyes finally landing on Kaidan. “It’s been rough out here. I want to be angry, but I can’t. We need all the friendly faces we can get.”

“I’m glad to be here. Sitting in that hospital was torture,” Kaidan sighed as he watched the coding run in front of him. It was familiar, and comfortable. Joker let the silence stretch for a while. It was odd, if Kaidan didn’t know any better, it could be like the last three years had never happened. It was as if he were simply a lieutenant and they were hunting geth. It was easy to fall into those roles, if only for a moment. 

Joker broke the silence after a time, his voice was soft and quiet, “She doesn’t laugh anymore.”

Kaidan was startled when he spoke, he turned his eyes to Joker but Joker kept his eyes forward, “What?” Kaidan’s voice cracked lightly on the syllable. 

“Shepard,” Joker said by way of an explanation, and Kaidan continued to stare at him. It was clear Joker thought he had revealed the mystery of the ages, but Kaidan was still a bit confused as to what Joker meant. The pilot let out an exaggerated sigh and spun his chair to face the Major. “That laugh,” He added. “When she throws her head back and laughs from deep inside,” Joker explained. “I can barely remember what it sounds like.” It was concern in Joker’s voice, and Kaidan realized then just how much Shepard meant to the crass pilot. He shouldn’t have been surprised; they had truly been through everything together. 

It wasn’t a romantic love, but it was more than professional respect. They were family, and Joker was worried about her. Kaidan didn’t know what to say. “Look, Kaidan, I’m glad you’re back. Like I said, we need all the friendly faces we can get,” Joker repeated, and Kaidan had a feeling he wasn’t finished. “Horizon can’t happen again.”

“I know,” Kaidan responded, and Joker held his eyes for a long time. Kaidan didn’t waver. 

“Good,” Joker said with a nod; Kaidan turned back to the console. His mind spinning slightly. He had always known Shepard induced a fierce loyalty among her crew, but this was a whole new level. He checked the time, and figured now would be a good time to get some sleep. He stood, and felt Joker’s eyes on him. “Later, Major,” Joker responded, as if the past conversation had not happened. 

Kaidan wished him a good evening before leaving the cockpit. It had been a hell of a day, and Kaidan felt himself yawning as the elevator door opened. “Evening, Major,” He heard the soft greeting, and his body reacted before his sleep deprived mind could catch up. His heart sped and his hands clenched. His eyes lifted and met Shepard’s, and his lips pulled into a gentle smile. 

“Commander,” He replied as he stepped onto the elevator and turned to face the door, standing close to her. Their shoulders nearly touching. He could feel the energy thrumming through her, even without touching her. He felt the hairs stand up on the back of his neck as he reacted to her. He had forgotten how pleasant that sensation was. He glanced down at her, and found her cheeks had colored a pretty shade of pink, and she worried her lip. He chewed the inside of his cheek to stop himself from smiling. It was nice to know she was affected, too.

She was dressed in gray sweatpants and her N7 hoodie. Memories rushed back to him as the scent of plum blossoms filled the small area. Her hair was down, damp, and braided over one shoulder. She had showered recently. He looked down at his own clothes. He was still dressed in his BDUs and probably smelled a bit ripe. He suddenly wished he had taken the time to shower at some point since returning to the Normandy. There was nothing to be done about it now, and she didn’t seem to mind it. 

The door opened on the Crew Deck and the tension eased as a rush of cooler air hit them. He cleared his throat lightly, and gestured for her to step off before him. She nodded at him, “Are you turning in for the night?” She asked softly, turning and looking up at him as he followed her. 

“I was going to,” He admitted, and she nodded looking down. “Unless you needed something from me,” He offered, the innuendo not so subtle, and her cool, cerulean eyes met his. He was startled at the way her eyes reflected the ship’s lighting. It was new and familiar all at the same time.

“Some company would be nice,” She said as she lifted her hand. She was holding a box of tea. “I’m willing to share,” She added, and he nodded. She awarded him with a small smile and turned on her heel. He couldn’t help but notice that her smile didn’t brighten her eyes the way it used to, and he wondered if that was part of Joker’s concern.

A woman deserved to laugh. 

He followed her to the mess, and they moved around the small area with an easy grace. It was a dance they had perfected in another life, but one whose steps neither could forget. They gathered their supplies: mugs, spoons, and Shepard’s personal stash of sugar. She smiled up at him, almost shyly, as she revealed her hiding place. They didn’t need to speak as they handed each other the items they each needed. Their fingers would brush against each other, and possibly linger more than necessary, but neither would comment. When the tea was ready, he followed her to the table, and pulled a chair out for her. She smirked up at him and he sat in the seat next to her. 

As she lifted the mug to her lips and drank, his eyes took her in. As much as he knew it was her, it was still hard for him to believe. He had tried to move on, to forget, but he hadn’t really been able to. As he was going through it, he had wished everyday for the ache to ease, for the memories to fade; it was torture every day that it didn’t. Now he was grateful that it hadn’t. “How is Anderson?” He asked after a moment, lifting his own mug and sipping the familiar beverage. 

She sighed, and he watched the shadows dance in her eyes, “Alive.” It was one word, but it said so much. It said fighting, strong, surviving. The look in her eyes as she spoke said terrified, exhausted, alone. It spoke of a dying planet and a species being exterminated. It spoke of watching friends die. Kaidan ached to reach out and take her hand, but he refrained. He wasn’t exactly sure where their borders were, the lines that could be crossed. He simply nodded, there was nothing he could say, not really. “Your parents?” She asked quietly, and he shook his head. She reached out then, and took his hand; clearly, she was less concerned with boundaries. 

Her hand was warm as her fingers wrapped around his palm. Kaidan could feel the scrape of the broken skin of her palms against his knuckles. The delicate Cerberus crafted skin didn’t have callouses that had built up from years of abuse. He kept his eyes on hers and took her hand off his, turning it over. He inspected the tears in the skin. He watched her eyes as he reached into a pocket of his BDUs and pulled out a packet of medi-gel. She started to speak, and pull her hand away and he held it tighter. He tore it open with his teeth, spitting out the small piece of foil before speaking, “I know you’re letting the skin get used to it again, but there’s absolutely no reason for you to have open wounds,” He scolded her lightly. As he squeezed a small amount onto her palm. “This is just enough to heal the tears without hindering the callouses,” He explained as he set the pack down, and took her hand in both of his. Using his thumbs, he slowly rubbed the healing gel into her hand.

He looked up and found her watching him. Her cheeks pink, and heat dancing in her eyes as she chewed her lip. It was all so familiar. They had been here before, done this before, and he loved that she was letting him take care of her. Once the gel had been worked into her skin, he released her hand and she balled her fist and placed her hand in her lap. “How is the other one?” He held out his hand, and gestured towards the hand wrapped around her mug.

“Not as bad,” She answered quietly, her voice rough, as she looked to her own palm, and winced. He left his hand on the table and waited. She let a breath escape through her nose as she laid her hand down, palm up, in his. He raised an eyebrow at her. It was no better than her opposite hand, and he couldn’t help the smirk that pulled at the corner of his mouth. She was so stubborn. He repeated the process, working the cooling, tingling gel into her skin. He tried to ignore the increase in her pulse. He could feel it strong in her wrist as he held her hand. 

When he finished, she offered him a smile as she pulled her hand back and lifted her tea. Kaidan folded over the open corner of the packet before tucking it back into his pocket and sipping his own beverage. He caught her eyes again over the rim of his mug. 

The air around them changed; thickened, warmed. He could feel his heart pounding in his temples and hear it rushing in his ears. He surrendered.

“Shepard, after Mars, while I was recovering at Huerta, I thought a lot about my life and the regrets I have and would have if I didn’t recover,” He started, and noticed her tense as she sat straighter and took her mug in both hands. “I’ve had a good life, which is crazy considering how it started. I don’t have many regrets but,” He paused and she looked up at him, her nerves were clear in the tension around her eyes. “I found myself thinking a lot about you,” He admitted, “about us.”

“Us,” She repeated the word in a whisper and dropped her eyes to her mug. 

Kaidan started to explain, shifting uncomfortably in his chair, “Yeah, I-”

Neither heard the door to the med-bay open, so they both jumped like busted teenagers when Dr. Chakwas called out across the mess, “Major Alenko!” The scold in her voice was plain, and Kaidan cringed as he pulled his eyes from Shepard and turned towards the doctor. His embarrassment and frustration at being interrupted creeping up hotly from his collar. “I am fully aware Dr. O’Connor returned you to active duty on the condition you reported to me as soon as we left the Citadel,” Her voice carried, and echoed offensively off the walls. 

Kaidan sighed and turned to look at Shepard, who seemed just as disappointed as he felt. She nodded towards the med-bay, the unspoken order clear in her eyes. Kaidan let an angry sigh escape him as he stood, and turned towards the Doctor, who waited in the doorway for Kaidan to pass. She followed him in, her eyes on her ‘tool. Kaidan turned and looked over his shoulder at Shepard, her eyes were down on her mug. He thought he saw her sigh before the doors closed, and he turned his attention to the Doctor. Better to get this over with so he could get back to his conversation, though, he feared the moment was ruined.  


Kaidan went to the nearest cot and sat. He watched as Chakwas came over to him. He noticed there was more grey in her hair, and creases around her eyes. When her almost feline gaze met his, he was momentarily surprised by the exhaustion he saw there and he wondered if it would be beneficial to get her some help for the bay, a nurse or two maybe; someone to take some of the load off her shoulders.  


His thoughts were distracted when she instructed him to sit up straighter and ran her scan over him. He watched her eyes as they read over the data. Her brow creased and she looked at him from beneath her lashes. She chewed the inside of her cheek as she closed down her tool and walked around the cot to his back. He felt her warm, clinical touch at his implant site, and sat impeccably still. He heard her sigh stiffly before she withdrew her hands and moved to face him. She opened her ‘tool and spoke without looking at him, “Have you had any headaches within the last week?”

“None worth mentioning,” He admitted, suddenly afraid of this line of questioning.

“When you have a headache, are you still using the cocktail I started you on?”

“Yes, Ma’am,” He answered immediately, and she cocked an eyebrow keeping her eyes down.

“Any nosebleeds?” 

Kaidan paused, he didn’t want to lie to her, but he knew if he was honest she would take him off active duty. Just this morning, after Udina, after Shepard had left him to go to see Thane at Huerta, Kaidan had to excuse himself to the bathroom to stop the bleeding from that mornings exertions. It hadn’t bled long, but it was still something Kaidan wrestled with. There was no way he would stop using his biotics. There was no way he would allow himself to be benched. This was too important. “No, Ma’am,” Kaidan lied. He hated to do it, but he couldn’t risk being sidelined. Dr. Chakwas looked up and met his eyes when he spoke. He knew full well she didn’t believe him. She just nodded. 

“Very well,” She answered, simply. Her voice clipped. “Be sure you let me know if anything changes. I will continue my dialogue with Dr. O’Connor, who is making sure I stay stocked with the proper medications and herbs,” She dictated. Kaidan thanked her, and stood to leave. She stopped him, reaching out and grabbing his arm, “Kaidan,” He turned to look at her, “You’re no good to anyone on this ship if you fry your brain.”  


He sighed. She was right. He knew she was right. He just didn’t care. He had to make sure Shepard survived. He knew, somewhere deep down, she was the key. “I know,” He answered simply, and she nodded at him. Her dismissal clear as she removed her hand and turned her back to him. Kaidan stepped towards the door. When it opened on an empty mess, he felt his heart sink. She had gone to bed. 

It was probably for the best. This probably wasn’t the best time or place to have the conversation he wanted to have. He just hoped there would be an opportunity after their mission tomorrow. 

They didn’t have the greatest track record on Eden Prime.


	56. Chapter 56

The ship entered Eden Prime’s atmosphere mid-morning. Kaidan had just finished securing the closures on his armor when the elevator door opened and Shepard emerged, followed closely by Liara who looked about as excited as he had ever seen her. The prospect of finding a Prothean artifact had the Asari nearly giddy, and she grinned at Kaidan as they passed him. Kaidan closed his locker and followed, joining them at the open door of the shuttle. Shepard met his eyes briefly, and there was none of the warmth from the night before. It was time to work. 

She dropped her eyes to her omni’tool and pulled up the brief they had on the situation and reviewed the information Traynor had gone over the day before. “We’re a small team because I want to get in, get the artifact, and get out. I don’t want to start an all out battle with Cerberus. We have bigger battles a head and I don’t want to waste the time if we can help it,” She ordered firmly. Kaidan and Liara made small sounds of acknowledgement. Liara turned and stepped onto the shuttle, buckling herself in as Shepard powered down her omni’tool. 

Shepard met his eyes momentarily, before moving to step onto the shuttle. Before he could think about it, almost on reflex, he reached out and grabbed her arm. She froze and stepped off the shuttle, her back to him. His hands moved to her waist and she lifted her arms, just slightly, to allow him to move his hands up her sides ensuring the closures were secure. “Watch your hands, Major,” She ordered, her head turned towards him and he noticed the teasing smile on her lips. 

He chuckled warmly in response, and checked her armor quickly and efficiently, tapping her shoulder guard when he was finished. She turned towards him and he turned his back to her to allow her to repeat the process for him. She started at his waist, “This armor’s a little loose, Kaidan,” She commented, concern in her tone and he turned his head and met her eyes over his shoulder. 

He cleared his throat before speaking, “It’s better than too small,” He responded simply. “Cortez and I have already ordered a new set, just a matter of getting it here.” She nodded and her eyes dropped, worry still visible in her creased brow. “I left the Citadel in a bit of a hurry.”

“I could have waited for you to get better armor,” She scolded quietly, as her hands moved up his sides, beneath his arms.

“It’s fine, Shepard,” He promised firmly. She nodded, frowning, without lifting her eyes from the closures she was checking. Kaidan turned forward, chewing the inside of his cheek. He let himself enjoy the proof that she still cared. When she paused, he turned his head towards her, and found her looking at his amp, the amp she bought him. She smiled as her eyes met his and she finished checking his armor. She tapped his shoulder and he turned towards her. 

He had the sudden urge to reach out and touch her, to let his fingers linger on her cheek, trace her pulse point on her neck. She blushed under his gaze. “Ready when you are, Commander,” Cortez called out from behind the controls of the shuttle. She tore her eyes from Kaidan, turning quickly, the energy between them evaporating as she stepped onto the shuttle. She moved to stand behind Cortez as Kaidan took his spot next to a grinning Liara. Shepard moved away from Cortez as the Normandy’s bay doors opened and the shuttle left the safety of the ship. She stood near the consoles showing the camera’s feed. 

“Eden Prime,” Liara whispered as images of the colony flashed across the screen. “This is where it all began, is it not? Where the Prothean beacon gave you the vision that warned us about the Reapers,” Shepard turned and met Kaidan’s eyes. 

Memories of that day flooded over Kaidan. The way the beacon had pulled him, and how helpless he was to stop it. The fear that had settled in his chest like ice, until strong arms wrapped around his midsection and threw him to the ground. He sighed lightly, “We lost a lot of good people when Saren and the geth hit this place,” Kaidan whispered, dropping his eyes from Shepard’s. 

“Yes, and now, thank to Cerberus, Eden Prime’s colonists are under attack again,” Liara spoke the obvious but her frustration echoed Kaidan’s as he shifted in his seat. 

“Feels like more than just three years ago,” Shepard’s voice was soft, and disbelieving as she spoke. Kaidan lifted his eyes and met hers again. He could see she felt it to. The cyclical sensation of starting at the beginning. Hopefully, they had learned something this time around. 

He cleared his throat lightly, “Lot of memories here. Jenkins, and that damn geth recon drone,” An image of the young man flying across the mess of the original Normandy, cloaked in Kaidan’s biotic energy, streaked across Kaidan’s mind. 

“Nihlus,” Shepard whispered the name of the Spectre who had instigated her own review for the position. The Turian whose death had cemented Shepard’s induction to the ranks of Spectre. 

“Yeah, we’ve certainly got a lot of people to remember down here, even if it’s not the geth this time,” Kaidan offered, and Shepard nodded. No doubt her thoughts had moved to Ashley and the 212. It was the natural progression, but Kaidan didn’t bring her up. 

Liara stood and went to the console. She pulled up some additional information she received through one of her contacts. She informed them that Cerberus hit the colony hard, which meant whatever they had found here must be valuable. Most of the colonists near the dig site had been killed, but there were survivors elsewhere on the colony. The Alliance had done what it could to secure the population, but its resources could only be stretched so far. 

They knew their main purpose was the artifact, and any survivors they found would be secondary. Kaidan was just frustrated that they didn’t have more information on the artifact. They had no way to know if it would even help them in the war. Truth be told, this whole mission could prove to be a colossal waste of time. Their conversation was interrupted by Cortez, “I’m bringing you in as close to the dig site as I can. No way will we avoid detection, but you should have a few minutes.”

“Understood,” Shepard responded and signaled for the three of them to secure their helmets and ready their weapons. Kaidan stood, and after his helmet was in place, he opened his omni’tool to ready some tech attacks. There were bound to be Cerberus engineers and their damn turrets in place across the colony. He was startled when Shepard spoke. Her voice was soft, and warmed him with a strange sense of nostalgia, “Kaidan,” He looked up and met her eyes through the visor as the shuttle touched down.

“Shepard?”

She cleared her throat, “Don’t die on me.”

His face softened, and he nodded, his eyes firm on hers, “Yes, Ma’am.” He heard the breath she let escape over the helmet comm, and she nodded before moving to the door of the shuttle. It opened before them, and she signaled for them to follow her as she took point. 

She led them, slowly and quietly, over grassy hills and red dirt roads making their way to the dig site. Kaidan looked at the destruction around them. It was unfortunate. This colony had seen enough. Shepard spoke, and it was as if she had read his mind as she commented on how beautiful the colony had been. “They’ll rebuild. We’ll deal with Cerberus, and they can put their lives back together,” Kaidan responded, trying to offer some hope.

“They rebuilt Mindoir,” Shepard spoke, her voice sounded distant, cold, and angry, “It was never the same,” Nothing else was said as she continued to follow the path way towards the center of the colony. Hopefully, it wouldn’t be much farther and they could get off the colony and away from this planet; too many ghosts. Even though the sun was shining, there was a chill in the air that made Kaidan grateful for his suit. 

They moved through the colony, and there were pieces of Prothean technology, equipment seemingly growing out of the ground, like a broken rib cage the edges of the structures were jagged and daunting as they reached high into the sky. Kaidan swallowed hard, “Liara, have you ever seen anything like that before?” Kaidan asked over the comm as they paused to take in the sight. 

“I cannot tell much from this distance, but it is from their final dynasty. Functional, but without the decoration of earlier periods. Archaeologists have always wondered why Prothean architecture became simpler at the end,” She pondered as Shepard started moving again. The Commander’s anxiety was growing, Kaidan could almost sense it in the heaviness of her steps. Liara continued, “It’s clear now, they were too busy fighting the Reapers to care about aesthetics.”

Shepard led them through some of the prefab structures, houses left vacant by those Cerberus had killed. Kaidan hated Cerberus, and could not wait for the day they ended the splinter cell. They stopped, picking up salvageable equipment, spare thermal clips, anything that might give them an edge should there be an ambush waiting for them. “Fuck,” Shepard whispered as they found another empty home. It was as if her hope for the colony’s survival shrunk with each vacancy. 

“There,” Liara’s voice was grim as she pointed, “That should be the elevator that leads to the dig site.” Shepard nodded and Liara moved in front of her to the controls. She initiated the elevator, and it slowly lowered them as she sifted through Cerberus’s data. Kaidan stood just behind Shepard, her eyes on the dig site. Her breathing was heavy, he could hear it over the comm. She hated violence towards colonies. Kaidan almost pitied any Cerberus soldiers that came across while on this planet. “Goddess…” Liara’s breathless blaspheme shook him from his thoughts, “that doesn’t seem possible.” Her voice was distracted and distant as she looked up from the screen to the dig site as it came into view. “It’s not a Prothean artifact…” She paused as she walked over to the find. “It’s a Prothean.”

“What?” Shepard asked, turning towards Liara as Kaidan moved closer to the pod. “Bodies?”

“No,” Kaidan and Liara spoke simultaneously, and Liara nodded for Kaidan to continue. “Shepard, this is one of the pods, like on Ilos,” He added, and Shepard turned to look at him. Her surprise was clear on her face as she looked back to their Prothean expert. 

“Cerberus found a living Prothean,” Liara insisted as Kaidan opened his ‘tool to run a few scans on the pod. “The only reason the pods failed on Ilos was a lack of power. Cerberus found this in an underground bunker; it still has power,” Kaidan looked up and met Shepard’s eyes as they processed Liara’s explanation. “He’s been in stasis for the past fifty thousand years, waiting for us,” She paused and the excitement in her eyes was a stark contrast to the concern in Shepard’s. Kaidan was surprised by it as he watched Shepard’s attention move to the pod. “Think of what we could learn!”

Shepard sighed, “I was right to bring you along, but Liara,” her eyes flicked to Kaidan before she continued, “I woke up once, and was told I lost two years of my life. It was… disorientating to say the least. When it wakes up, it’ll have lost 50,000 years, and its entire species. Let’s not make this about us,” Shepard scolded, and Liara looked crestfallen. 

“You are right, of course,” Liara said, shame burning her cheeks purple as she looked back to the pod. “If this single Prothean was sent to stasis, he could be the foremost scientist of his time, or perhaps the wisest Councilor,” She was speaking as she studied the pod, trying to finds a way to open it. Kaidan thought he saw something in his periphery. He walked towards the edge of the platform. He opened his omni’tool and performed a scan of the area, looking for hostiles. They were clear, for now. “It appears Cerberus damaged the life pod when they excavated it. The life signs are unstable.”

“Let’s get him out of there,” Shepard said simply, but Liara was shaking her head before she even finished. 

“No, breaking open the pod would kill him. We have to find the command signal that ends the stasis mode,” Liara insisted, as she clicked away on her omni’tool. 

“Might be nice if we knew how to open it, too,” Kaidan suggested, his back to the pair as he kept his attention on the perimeter. Shepard and Liara turned to Kaidan and he gestured towards a sections of buildings. “Cerberus took over the labs nearby to research what they found. That’s probably our best bet,” Kaidan suggested. Shepard nodded and moved to take point again when Kaidan’s scanner alarm buzzed. Seconds later a Cerberus shuttle flew over their heads.

“Get to cover!” Shepard ordered, leaving no room for argument in the crisp tone of her voice. A small group of Cerberus agents were dropped off; Kaidan counted about half a dozen. He opened his ‘tool and fired off his prepped tech attacks effectively overloading the Cerberus trooper’s shields and allowing Liara’s singularity to lift them from the ground. He stood from cover and, with a few well placed shots from his assault rifle, took out the helpless agents as they floated around Liara’s ball of biotic energy. 

He felt it before he realized it was happening; the shift in gravity, the force of the pull as Shepard, sheathed in blue, shot out from her protected spot and slammed, full force, into the remaining trio. Before, he had a second to register her charge, she jumped. Her biotic fist leading her down and she landed on a knee, forcing the energy out from the spot of impact and sending the troopers backwards. Kaidan was grinning as he made his way over to her, endorphins were flowing and he felt light with the energy. Shepard turned and met his eyes. She look accomplished. “Let’s go before more show up,” She ordered and they entered the first building. 

They didn’t even stop to clean up after this one. Kaidan heard a low, guttural sound escape Shepard as they stepped over the bodies left lying where they fell. Liara moved to one terminal, while Kaidan checked another. He kept his ear out for Shepard, though. She stood in the doorway, keeping watch. “Here!” Liara announced, and Kaidan took Shepard’s spot in the door as she moved to stand with Liara. She stood before the terminal, and activated the program. 

Kaidan’s eyes were on the perimeter, his ‘tool open checking for income hostiles when he heard it. Shepard whimpered. His head whipped around at the same moment Liara spoke, “Kaidan, is she-“  


He was at her side almost instantly, as he moved he switched his ‘tool to the medic scanner. Something was off. It was as if she were in some kind of trance as she stared at the technical snow on the monitor. It reminded him of the beacons she had interacted with before. “She’s okay; it’s like she’s dreaming,” Kaidan explained as they waited, neither moving their eyes from Shepard’s.

Kaidan hated this. He hated the thought of something else being forced into her mind. How much did it affect her? Did it alter her personality? He couldn’t imagine it was comfortable. He swallowed his concern, choking down the odd stale taste of it as his hands clenched at his sides. Eventually, thankfully, she blinked. The color returned to her cheeks and her eyes, though clouded, locked on Kaidan’s. “I think I can duplicate that to end the stasis mode and open the life pod,” She announced, her confidence reassuring. 

“You understood that?” Liara asked, failing to hide the jealousy in her tone. 

“What?” Shepard asked looking back and forth between the two. “You didn’t?” 

Kaidan shook his head as Liara spoke, “No, all I saw was static. It appears as if Cerberus was trying to make sense of it without success,” she explained and Shepard nodded, massaging her brow with her thumb and forefinger. “The Prothean Cypher you received on Feros, it lets you see the images as a Prothean would. You can understand their language,” Liara theorized and Shepard nodded agreeing that it made the most sense. 

Shepard met Kaidan’s eyes briefly, and he recognized the sympathy he saw there. Sympathy for the Prothean, laced with fear for humanity. It took him back to late nights on a darkened ship, speaking quietly about beacons and nightmares. “What did you see?” He asked her quietly.

“The end of Prothean life on Eden Prime,” She answered simply, her eyes haunted. “They had intended to sleep through the harvest, to wake after the Reapers returned to Dark Space. The Reapers attacked, with Collectors, they terminated the life pods. Hundreds of thousands of Prothean were killed while they slept. The Protheans had a lack of emotion. They understood the cold reality of war. They had already lost a third of their population, and were willing to sacrifice those who had not made it to the bunker to allow those who had to live. It didn’t matter. The Collector forces broke in through the back entrance,” She explained, and sighed scrubbing a gloved hand over her face. When she opened her eyes again, the emotion was gone; replaced by her own frozen walls, allowing her to compartmentalize and finish the job. “Let’s go,” She ordered, determination heavy in her voice. Kaidan nodded, and exchanged concerned glances with Liara as Shepard took point to take them back to the Prothean. 

Kaidan had thought Shepard was expending enormous amounts of biotic energy during their last skirmish, he was wrong. When Cerberus attempted to intercept them on their way back to the pod, Shepard seemed to really let loose. He could hear her breathing, and cursing over the comm as she tore through Cerberus’s defenses. She was taking out her anger at the Reapers on the Cerberus agents trying to stop her from saving the Prothean. The area around them had a constant cerulean tint as she sent the agents soaring. She would scream her anger with each Nova, punching the ground and sending her power out from deep inside her. The Cerberus troopers close enough to her were sent sprawling where Liara and Kaidan were ready to finish them off before they could retaliate. 

It was difficult to keep up with her, and Kaidan couldn’t help but think she would be useless once they got back to the ship. The energy she was throwing around, it wasn’t safe. She would drain herself. He sighed, and forced his concern to the back of his mind as he followed her, cleaning up after her with Liara.

They reached the pod faster than Kaidan thought they would have. Shepard stopped at the head of the pod, reached up and removed her helmet. Kaidan and Liara copied as she hooked her helmet at her hip. Kaidan watched as she wiped the back of a gloved hand over her damp forehead. The hair that had stuck there was pushed awkwardly off her face. She sighed, and placed both hands on the pod, breathing heavy. Kaidan and Liara watched as she opened the pod, and removed the stasis.

Liara was at her side as the pod hissed open revealing the ancient alien within. “Goddess…” Liara whispered, her eyes wide with anticipation as she hovered over the Prothean. “It may take him some time to fully regain consciousness….” Shepard turned and looked over her shoulder, as if expecting something to come from behind and stab her in the back. Her eyes met Kaidan’s. She looked as exhausted as he feared she would be. 

A small, excited sound slipped from Liara as she continued to linger close to the Prothean’s side. Kaidan glanced inside the tomb-like pod and found he was stirring. The Prothean’s blinked its four, yellow, double-pupiled eyes before they opened and seemed to focus on Shepard. The eyes were a stark contrast to its blue to purple skin tone. 

Without warning, it flared. Its body sheathed in an eerie green color as it lashed out biotically, sending the trio backwards and landing hard. Kaidan glanced to Shepard and Liara and was waved off by both as they sat and moved to regain their footing, and inoffensive postures. The Prothean stood on unsteady legs and stumbled out of the life pod. Its limbs were weak and shaky as it tried to stand and appear intimidating. Liara shouted, “Be careful! He is confused!” as it stumbled towards the edge of the platform and looked over the colony. 

Kaidan moved to Shepard, and placed a hand on her shoulder. She gently pushed it away without looking at him. Her eyes were locked on the Prothean. He took no offense to it, as he watched her move towards the alien. He was looking over Eden Prime; Kaidan theorized he was looking for signs of his people’s fate. Shepard touched his shoulder and her entire body went rigid. 

A small sound of concern leaked from him, a sound he barely recognized, as he was reminded of a Prothean beacon taking her mind hostage and imprinting information into her consciousness. It didn’t take long, after a couple minutes at most she tore her hand from his shoulder and they both fell to their hands and knees. Kaidan was at her side in an instant as Liara kept her wide-eyed attention on the Prothean. Kaidan was glad when Shepard accepted his assistance to stand. Once she was on her feet, he took her shoulders and turned her towards him. Her head remained turned with her eyes on the Prothean. “I’m fine,” She whispered, but it was strained and Kaidan didn’t believe it. Regardless, he let her go. 

She turned her full attention to the Prothean, who stood on his own. Liara moved closer to him, and he flared again, though he didn’t lash out. “Liara!” Shepard scolded, and the Prothean’s eyes moved to Shepard as Liara retreated to a safe distance.

Shepard took a step closer to the alien, who turned its attention to her. Its eyes burning with questions. All Kaidan heard was a series of rolling clicks and gentle whistles. The sounds reminded him of the scuttling of beetle’s legs on a hard surface, and the chirp of a cricket in the distance. It wasn’t an unpleasant sound, but it wasn’t a language he could comprehend. Shepard, on the other hand, seemed to understand as she had a conversation with him. 

“Just you,” She spoke gently, her voice calming and unassuming. “You can understand me?” Another series of clicks. “So, you were reading me while I was seeing…” The Prothean turned away from her then, and responded. She was shaking her head gently, as she started to speak, “Your people did everything they could. They never gave up, and I could use some of that commitment now.” 

It turned back to her, and Shepard lifted her hand to her earpiece as Cortez spoke over the comm, “Shepard, whatever you did got Cerberus interested.”

“Shit, alright, meet us at the extraction point in five,” She ordered, and Cortez acknowledged. Its eyes moved over Kaidan and Liara, and while Kaidan may not have understood its tongue, he could read body language as he saw disgust and frustration wash over the alien. Shepard ignored whatever comment it had made while assessing them, and she spoke again, “It’s not safe here; will you join us?” More of the same sounds, and Kaidan was glad he had decided to record their interaction. Hopefully, he would be able to work with Shepard and EDI to piece together their language and create an upgrade for their translators that would make communication possible. “Yes,” She spoke and held her hand out to the Prothean. He eyed the gesture before turning away from her and walking towards the decline off the platform. 

She sighed deeply and scrubbed her hands over her face. For now, apparently, she had gotten it to agree to come with them. It would have to be enough. They had spent too much time planet side as it was, and Kaidan could see the exhaustion creeping into Shepard’s stance as she moved to lead them to meet with Cortez. Kaidan had an odd feeling their day was far from over.


	57. Chapter 57

Kaidan and Shepard were in the comm room, standing side by side before the QEC, and the holographic forms of the remaining Councilors. They had been on the ship for a few hours already, the Prothean had settled in the Portside Cargo hold. “His name is Javik; he was a Commander with the Prothean military. He’s intense, disappointed, angry, and out for Reaper blood,” Shepard explained.

“Still… a living Prothean,” Tevos spoke, and even across light-years her disbelief was clear. “There are so many questions we could have answered,” She sounded wistful, and amazed. She sounded a lot like Liara, and Shepard hands fisted at her sides.

Shepard spoke through clenched teeth. “That may be true. For right now, however, he has agreed to help me, help us, and fight the Reapers. Questions can wait,” She insisted, and Kaidan kept his eyes on the Asari. Tevos shifted, almost uncomfortably, and Kaidan realized the image before her. He enjoyed the thought that maybe Shepard and he, as a joint presence, were more intimidating that facing them individually.

“We need to meet with him,” Sparatus spoke, his two-toned voice forceful. “First contact protocol,” He insisted, backing up his fellow Councilor.

Shepard’s sigh was nearly a growl, “I’m not making any progress, and I won’t! Not if I have to keep going back to the Citadel after every mission!” Shepard insisted, her impatience causing her temper to break.   
“This is fucking absurd!”

“We need a day, Commander,” the Salarian answered, his hand moving quickly over his omni’tool. “You can’t expect us to ignore the reappearance of an extinct species. How do you communicate?” Valern asked, his large black eyes finally lifting and locking on Shepard. She sighed, and Kaidan wondered if she was regretting her decision to tell the Council about Javik.

“He can understand us, and I can understand him,” Shepard answered with a sigh.

“Then we will need you to translate,” Tevos ordered, and the disappointment and annoyance instantly shrunk Shepard as her shoulders visibly slouched.

“Actually, Councilor,” Kaidan interrupted, and Shepard glanced at him as he spoke. They had gone over the recording of their conversation from Eden Prime. Shepard had translated what Javik had been saying so they had a starting point for the translation. “Using conversations Shepard and Javik have had, Liara T’Soni and I have been able to develop an upgrade for our translators for the Prothean language. I am forwarding it to you now.” Shepard hadn’t known they had finished. Truth was, he had worked with EDI and Liara. Without EDI, there was no doubt they would still be working on it; but the Council did not know EDI was an AI and it had to remain that way.

“Good work, Major,” Valern offered as they each opened their ‘tools to receive the message from Kaidan. He nodded, and Shepard offered him a grateful smile. “Commander, what is your ETA?”

She sighed, “Joker?” She called to the ceiling, when he responded she continued, “Change course to the Citadel; what’s our arrival time?” Joker answered ten hundred Galactic Standard Time. They would have to backtrack all night. Kaidan could sense the resignation in Shepard’s tone and stance. He had the feeling she wouldn’t be so forthcoming with information to the Council. He knew she had the option of blowing them off, but she couldn’t risk them pulling their assistance. They were helping to keep the Normandy stocked with foodstuff during their efforts. If they pulled their support, well, a poorly stocked warship is never as successful as a ship with a fed crew.

“We will see you at 11 hundred, then, and Shepard-” Tevos was in mid-response when the comm suddenly shut off.

“Oops,” Joker’s amused voice rang out in the room, and a smile split Shepard’s face. “Elbow slipped. Sorry, Commander.”

“Just make sure it happens again, Joker,” She answered through a grin as Joker gave an enthusiastic affirmative response. Kaidan watched as she stretched her neck from side to side and turned to face him. “I guess we’re going back to the Citadel. You can pick up better armor while we’re there,” She insisted and he chuckled, digging his hands in the pockets of his BDUs.

“Yeah, and maybe we can grab a meal?” He asked without thinking about it, and was pleased when she blushed and met his eyes. He took a small step closer to her, and she tilted her head to keep her eyes on his.   
“I hear Apollo’s has a great steak sandwich,” He added and a slow smile spread on her face.

“Commander,” Joker’s voice broke into the room, it had lost its enthusiasm and Kaidan saw the concern flash in Shepard’s eyes. “I have Admiral Anderson on the comm for you,” He explained, “He asked for either you or Kaidan.”

“Put him through,” She answered and Kaidan swallowed hard when he noticed the apprehension in her eyes. Shepard and he stepped closer to the comm and the image of the Admiral came into focus. “David,” Shepard sighed, and Anderson smiled at her.

“Hey, Sloan,” He replied, his voice tired, but relieved to see her. Anderson’s eyes moved to Kaidan, “Alenko,” He offered and Kaidan nodded his greeting. He had an odd feeling in the pit of his stomach and he couldn’t place it. “I heard about Mars; I see you’re doing well,” He offered and Kaidan nodded.

“I’m doing great, Sir. You holding up?” He asked, trying to ease the anxiety as the concern didn’t quite leave Anderson’s eyes as he kept them on Kaidan.

“As well as can be expected. Kaidan, the last time Sloan and I spoke she mentioned that you hadn’t heard from your parents,” Anderson explained and Kaidan swallowed hard as his eyes flicked to Shepard who was staring at her shoes. “I was able to spare a few soldiers to head out to your parent’s Orchard,” He explained, and Kaidan straightened his posture, and braced himself for the worst. He watched as Anderson opened his omni’tool.

“You didn’t need to spare the man power,” Kaidan argued, hating the thought that he was getting special treatment. His omni’tool pinged and he ignored it.

“It serves us well to know where there are pockets of survivors,” Anderson replied, and Kaidan’s breath caught in his throat and his eyes burned at the word survivors. “Your mom has quite the refuge at the Orchard. She has taken in any survivors she has come across, or that have come by her,” Anderson replied, and Kaidan’s hands were white knuckled behind his back. He was afraid to speak, he knew if he opened his mouth he’d start sobbing and he wasn’t prepared to do that in front of Anderson. “With the destruction, she couldn’t link to a comm buoy, so she sent a message with the team. I’ve forwarded it to you,” He explained.

“Thank you, Sir,” He choked out around the ball of emotion in his throat. The Admiral nodded and Kaidan turned to Shepard, he wanted to go read the message in private. She met his eyes, and nodded towards the door. He gave her a grateful, tight smile before turning on his heel and nearly running towards the elevator.

The knowledge of the message from his Mom made his omni’tool almost hot against his skin. He cursed when he had to pause for the security scan, before brushing passed Traynor. He ignored her greeting and was grateful for the open elevator doors. He stepped on and was tempted to open the message in the elevator but held out, waiting for the sanctuary of Starboard Observation. He nearly knocked Liara down as he rushed off the elevator, shouting a half-hearted apology, as he raced to the quiet of his room.

He entered, and sat on the sofa facing the large open windows that looked out over the stars. He sighed and, with trembling hands, opened the message.

>   
>  _My Dearest Kaidan,_
> 
> _It is because of you we made it to the orchard. If you hadn’t given your father that warning we would have been in the city when those monsters hit and who knows what would have happened. You saved us, Kaidan._
> 
> _I’m sorry I haven’t been able to contact you sooner. I can’t tell you how happy I was to know the soldiers who showed up at the door would be able to get the message to you. I have been able to keep up on the news of the War. I know you’ve been made a Spectre. I know you’ve joined back up with Commander Shepard and the Normandy. I take comfort in that. I feel like that’s where you will be the safest._
> 
> _Kaidan, I wish I was there with you to tell you this in person, but I can’t be._
> 
>  

Kaidan stopped reading for a moment as dread settled cold and heavy in his core. He was afraid to continue, he had a feeling he knew what was coming.

>   
>  _After about a week here, a group of your father’s friends from his active duty days showed up. They were joining, going active to fight. I knew when your father looked at me that day that he was going. Kaidan, he enlisted._
> 
> _Just a few days ago, his CO contacted me. Your father was killed in action. I didn’t get details, I didn’t ask and it seemed like the old soldier was glad I didn’t. I knew better. Kaidan, understand that your father died the way he always wanted to. Fighting. We both knew our chances of surviving this together were slim and we said our goodbyes before he left._
> 
> _I know you’re going to worry about me, but I wish you wouldn’t. I am okay. I am not alone. Your aunts and uncles are here, with your cousins. Oh, baby boy, I wish I could be where you are. You’re strong. You’ll be okay. I know you will. When this is over, you’ll come home._
> 
> _I love you, Kaidan._
> 
> _\- Mom_

  
Kaidan closed his omni’tool and folded his hands in front of himself as he stared at the stars. He wasn’t sure how much time went by. He read the message over, and over again. Eventually, he stood, and paced as he processed the information. Part of him had known, or suspected, that something had happened to them. He just hadn’t wanted to believe it. His mom was right, he knew his father would have wanted to go out fighting. Eventually, he would be able take comfort in that. Right now, he had to keep it together. He had to keep control of his emotions. He had a war to fight. He sighed, and stopped in front of the window.

There was something about space that still made him feel hopeful, even after all this time. Hope. It was an insane notion with everything going on. He was fighting the emotion that had taken hold in his throat. It burned. It was hard to breathe. He was glad he had taken up residence in this room. He was glad he hadn’t stayed with the other soldiers. He was grateful for the solitude. Thought, there was one person he didn’t want to see right now. Shepard was the only one tied to any of Kaidan’s memories of Alex. He rested his head on his forearm on the window and closed his eyes. His lungs filled despite the fiery knot in his throat and escaped in a loud shaky sigh.

The door to the room slid open and he pulled his head away from the window, leaving his arm resting there and keeping his eyes on the stars. His other hand flexed open and closed at his side. He knew without turning around who had entered. Through everything, through all the time that had passed, through death and rebirth, through betrayal and devotion, she still smelled the same. Plum blossoms. A soft whimper slipped from his throat, and he clenched his jaw to hold back the tears as she slowly moved closer. “Kaidan?” She asked, her voice quiet and soft, full of concern yet still sounding timid. He turned his head away from her, and took a deep breath, steadying himself, willing himself not to cry in front of her.

“It all seems so calm from here,” He said after a long minute, and turning his eyes back to the stars, “but there are people going through hell in a million different ways… out there,” He knew he was being cryptic, but he couldn’t stand to say the words out loud. Not to her. “I want to be fighting alongside them, but… I want to be here. You know?”

“Of course,” She said softly, trying to make eye contact with him but he wouldn’t look her way. She bit her lip and turned, her back to the window, her arms folded loosely over her midsection as she searched his face. He couldn’t bring himself to look at her. She was watching him avoid her. He was grateful for the moments of silence she allowed to pass before she gently prodded him, “What happened, Kaidan?”

He took a deep breath, he could feel his walls crumbling. He finally locked his whiskey gaze on hers. “My dad, he’s…” Kaidan let out a deep shaky sigh and dropped his eyes as he opened his omni’tool. He forwarded the message to Shepard and turned his eyes back to the stars as she read. After a tense, silent moment, she spoke his name, a whispered prayer as it slipped from her lips. A prayer that maybe he had been given the wrong information. He didn’t want her pity. His jaw clenched again. He couldn’t help but think back to that night his father had met Shepard, at the bar in Vancouver. The first night of that gloriously care-free shore leave they’d spent wrapped up in each other, before the SR-1 went down; before she died.

She reached out, silently, and took his hand. He looked down to her soft, warm hand in his. She was always so warm now. “Kaidan, I am so sorry,” She whispered. He didn’t let her hand go, and she was encouraged by that and took a step closer to him. He hadn’t thought he’d wanted her here but when her hand slid in his, and the soft thrum of her biotics teased his palm, it was like a balm; like the tingling sensation of medi-gel coating an open wound. They hadn’t had a chance to talk about them, about what they were. In this moment, he didn’t care. He needed the comfort she brought. The comfort she’d always brought him. He squeezed her hand as the first tear slid down his cheek. She took another step closer, “EDI?” She called out, his eyes were still on their hands but he could feel her gaze locked on his face.

“Yes, Shepard?” Her disembodied voice answered, sounding appropriately somber.

“Secure the room and divert all contact attempts for the Major and me to our private terminals. That goes for crew as well as Command,” She ordered and the AI acknowledged the order. The lock on the door turned red. He felt his resolve finally break and she released his hand and almost instantly his arms were around her waist and he pulled her to him. Her hands slid over his shoulders and she held him. His face was buried in her neck and he wept silently. Her hands gently caressed his shaking back and shoulders as she quietly shushed him and whispered that he was going to be okay. Her lips grazed his ear as she attempted to soothe him.

They stood there and held each other for more than a few moments. Eventually, Kaidan’s tears slowed and he was just holding her against him, and breathing her in. Her hands were running through his hair, gently massaging his scalp, offering him any comfort she could. He pulled away and pressed his forehead to hers. His eyes were closed and he swallowed hard. Her fingers moved and slowly teased the salt and pepper hair at his temples, her hands framing his face. He opened his eyes and met her cool cerulean gaze. She moved her hands, just enough to wipe the tears from his face. He let himself take comfort in the gesture, in her closeness as his arms were still firmly wrapped around her waist.

Slowly, he released her. His hands came to rest on her hips as he struggled with the thought of letting her go. He didn’t know what to do with himself, but he knew he wanted her here. She had been the last person he had wanted to see, and now he couldn’t bare the thought of her leaving. As his eyes moved over her face, it was then he noticed her own eyes had overflown with tears. He lifted his hands to cup her face, the way he had so many times before. His thumbs wiped at the tears that had fallen from her eyes. She smiled sadly and took his hands in hers and pulled them away from her face. She went to the couch bringing him with her. She sat and tugged on his hands. He sat next to her, as close to her as he dared, and she let him go. He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. She shifted so she was facing him, with one leg folded under her.

He looked at her, and opened his mouth to speak. He closed it immediately as he felt his eyes well up, again. He leaned back on the couch and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes, trying to hold it back. He felt her shift on the couch next to him, and his heart raced. He looked to her, his movements quick and uncertain, almost frantic. She said nothing as she made herself more comfortable next to him. She toed off her boots, and pulled the pins from her hair. He felt himself relax, just slightly as she leaned her side into the couch, resting her head along the back, and still facing him.

He let out a slow deep breath, and closed his eyes. His hands were folded in his lap, white knuckled and clutching to the time, just a few hours ago, when he had been ignorant and believed his father was alive. After a few silent moments, he felt her move closer, but he didn’t open his eyes. He felt her hand cover his. She slowly slid her hand between his, prying them apart and replacing her hand in his grasp. She gave him something to hold on to, something to ground himself. She gave him the strength to feel what was raging inside.

He held on.


	58. Chapter 58

The gentle night breeze rushed over the inlet and brushed against his face. Chilled, salty air cleared his senses like a splash of ice water. The sky was dark. The stars sparkled and reflected in the sea. He inhaled deeply and let the breath out slowly. It misted white in the air. He was startled when a door opened behind him and he realized he was standing on his parent’s balcony looking over English Bay. He heard his mom’s bright laugh from inside and it was joined by, what he could have sworn was, Shepard’s.

“Hey, Kaidan,” Alex Alenko said as he closed the door behind him. Kaidan’s eyes searched his father’s face, looking for something but he wasn’t sure what. “Have a drink,” His father nodded at Kaidan and he looked down and noticed he was holding a tumbler with a generous serving of whiskey. Kaidan cleared his throat and, without removing his eyes from his dad, he did. The whiskey burned beautifully on the way down warming him from the inside out. “It’s beautiful out here tonight,” His father said as he moved to stand next to him and look over the bay. Kaidan watched him, looking over his features. His hair had long since turned gray but was still full. Kaidan was slightly taller than his father, but his father was stockier. He had a firm jaw, and narrow, intelligent eyes. For some reason, Kaidan felt the urge to memorize his features, to burn them into his mind so they would never fade. Kaidan was surprised when he noticed a sad smile on his full lips. “I sure am going to miss it.”

“What do you mean?” Kaidan asked, his voice thick and his tongue felt heavy as he spoke.

“Your mom’s a strong woman, Kaidan. She’s going to be okay, and I think she’s isolated enough that she’ll make it until you and Shepard end this war,” His father said, gesturing towards the glass again and Kaidan was lifting it to his lips to drink without deciding to do so. It burned a little less this time. “Shepard really is an amazing woman. She’s strong, too.”

“Of course she is. She’s a Spectre and an N7,” Kaidan said, he felt like he was stuck in a stasis. He wanted to say more, do more, but he couldn’t. It was infuriating. His father gestured for him to take another drink and Kaidan found himself drinking before he realized he’d even lifted his hand.

“Yeah, no shit, but she’s strong like your mom, too. On the inside, it’s a special kind of strength. The kind of strength that lets you look at those you love and watch them walk into battle knowing they might not come home. The kind of strength that allows you to put yourself between the business end of a pistol and your family to keep them safe. The kind of strength that will allow you to order your lover away so you can finish the job knowing they are safe. It’s a woman’s strength,” He knew his father was speaking and his words sounded clear but Kaidan’s vision was blurry. “Kaidan, you fucked it up with her, didn’t you?” His dad asked, and Kaidan dropped his eyes to his nearly empty glass. Wasn’t it full just a minute ago?

“I didn’t mean to,” Kaidan said but no sound came out. Why couldn’t he talk? He tried to drag a breath into his lungs, but the air was too thick.

“Finish your drink, Kaidan,” His father ordered. Kaidan felt the panic rising in his throat as he lifted his drink to his mouth. He didn’t want to finish his drink. He wanted to stay here and keep talking to his dad. “Fix it with Shepard, Kaidan. You’re going to need each other. When she orders you away, Kaidan, let her. Let her keep you safe, it has to be her. It’s always needed to be her but she won’t be able to do it without you,” His father knocked back the rest of his drink. Kaidan lowered his glass, and his father gripped the back of his head and placed a firm kiss to his forehead. Something he hadn’t done since before Brain Camp. 

“No, Dad, please,” He said, still unable to find his voice, as his father turned away from him to go back into the house. “Don’t go,” He mouthed the words, trying to beg him to stay as he felt the burning of the whiskey rising in his throat but his voice wouldn’t cooperate. His father turned away from him to open the door, and then looked back at him. 

“I love you, son. You’ve made me more proud than you’ll ever understand. Maybe… maybe someday … Someday you’ll have a son and then you will understand,” His dad said, with an astute smile on his face. The light from inside the door grew brighter, and Kaidan was forced to look away. 

The light went out quickly and Kaidan’s eyes snapped back to the now closed door. Kaidan could move freely again. He rushed to the door. He threw it open and called out for his father as he searched the empty rooms. He noticed absently that he was at the house at the orchard now, and not his parent’s home and his search slowed. He checked room after room for his father but he was gone. His heart was pounding and he felt oddly disconnected from his body as he opened door after door. 

He wondered when the hallways grew so long.

He went to the front door and opened it going out to the porch. He called out for his father. He jogged around the porch that circled the house and when he reached the back he found the plum trees in full bloom. Big purple plum blossoms topped the trees and he walked slowly down the stairs to stand under them. He missed his father already and he couldn’t figure out why the pain was so intense. He trembled slightly, and his hands fisted at his sides.

He closed his eyes and inhaled, their sweet fragrance filled him. He was trying to calm himself down and make sense of the things his father had said to him as he took slow deep breaths. He felt the heat of the loss of his father burning in his chest and his hands lifted to his cover his face. He jumped when he felt chilled hands slide around his waist and up his chest. His heart pounded against his ribs. The hands fisted in his shirt and he felt her press her face between his shoulder blades. He reached up and took her hands in his. He turned and looked into her warm blue eyes.

“Kaidan…” She whispered and wrapped her arms around him again. She buried her face in his chest. He slowly ran his fingers over her long brown hair, he closed his eyes and buried his face in her hair and inhaled. After a long minute, he opened his eyes and looked around. He was in the Captain’s cabin of the SR-1. He looked down to her and she looked up at him. Her scars were back. No, not back, never gone. He lifted his hand and traced the scar from her eyebrow, over her nose and to her cheek. She smiled brightly at him. He framed her face, looked down and tilted her head back. He lowered his lips to hers and kissed her gently. When he pulled away, she whispered, “I love you.”

He opened his mouth to reply, and though he had wanted to tell her the same, all that came out was the word, “Traitor.” Her face scrunched up in pain like he’d hit her. He might as well have. He was nauseated. She pulled away from him, and when he opened his mouth to call her back more insults fell from him, and he was unable to stop it. Her face hardened as she continued to back away from him. He looked around the room panicked; he saw their clothes from the night before on her floor. It was the SR-1, after they were together. His eyes flew back to her as the door opened and she turned to walk away from him. He tried to call her back. The alarms started on the ship. Kaidan watched helplessly as the beam from the Collector’s weapon cut through the Normandy’s hull and right through Shepard. He screamed, but it was too late.

Kaidan woke.

It took him a minute to orient himself. The Normandy. The SR-2. The Starboard Observation Lounge. Heading towards the Citadel. Shepard had spent the night with him, on the couch in the lounge, pressed up against his side and tucked under his arm, because his father is dead. He scrubbed his hands over his face, his stubble scratching against his palms as he let out a long sigh. He looked around, unsure of when she had left him. 

He checked the time. They had about ninety minutes before they were scheduled to arrive at the Citadel. He stood and went to his bags. When he bent, he felt the pressure in his face, around his eyes and sinuses. He had cried himself out the night before. He was grateful he didn’t have a migraine. He squatted and dug through his belongings looking for his shower bag so he could get ready for his day. There were multiple people who had contacted him looking for Spectre assistance since he’d left the Citadel, and he decided to take advantage of the trip back. 

He was surprised when he heard the door sigh open. He stood, and couldn’t help the rush of emotion when he saw Shepard enter with two steaming mugs of tea. He sighed when his eyes met hers, and she offered him a tentative smile. “I thought the tea might help your head,” She explained and he nodded, meeting her at the table set off to the side of the room. Instead of sitting across from her, he sat next to her and she shifted slightly, turning her body towards him. He met her eyes as she lifted the mug and took a sip. “How are you feeling?” She asked as she set the mug down. 

He was silent for a long time, staring at the mug of tea he had wrapped his hands around. “I’m not sure,” He admitted, darkly and Shepard nodded. 

She whispered when she spoke, “There are no magic words. Goddamn it, I wish there were. I know what you’re going through and I’m not going to tell you it will get better. It will always hurt. You will miss him every day,” Her voice was tender and distant.

“I know,” He whispered, his voice thick and husky. His eyes met hers, and he watched the realization dawn on her face. If there was one emotion he had intimate experience with, it was grief. He thought of the two years he had spent putting himself back together when he thought she was dead. She just nodded and look down at her hands. 

“Of course you do,” She answered quietly. She took a deep breath, and looked up at him, her earnest blue eyes meeting his, before continuing, “He was so fucking proud of you, Kaidan,” She whispered and a sad smile graced her features. “You should have heard the way he spoke about you that night in Vancouver,” Kaidan looked at her, trying to remember that night at the bar. Truthfully, he’d spent so much of the last three years trying to remember everything that came after they’d left his father, the early events of the night were a bit hazy now. What opportunity would his father have had to speak about him to Shepard when he wasn’t there? It was like she read his mind when she continued, “When you went to the bar for another round,” She paused, and he kept his eyes on hers waiting for her to continue. “I’ll never forget it, he said, ‘I’ve done bad things in my life and I’ve done some good things. In the military and as a civilian. I’ve hurt people. I’ve helped people,’ then he smiled and pointed at you at the bar and said with drill sergeant tenacity, ‘That man, right there, is the best thing I’ve ever done.’ He loved you, you know that, right?” She asked him. 

Kaidan was surprised to hear his father had spoken about him like that. “He,” His voice stuck in his throat. He cleared it and looked away from her again. He took a drink of his tea as he tried to find the words around the rising emotions, “It wasn’t something we said. He always supported me, though,” He released his mug and looked down to his hands. He opened them and let his biotics flare, his hands gloved in blue. “I was so scared when my biotics manifested. He wasn’t, well, he didn’t let me see it if he was. Then, after Vyrnnus, when BAaT was closed, and everyone I came across, families in the neighborhood who had known me forever or strangers, it didn’t matter, they all looked at me like I was defective. I mean, I was but, Dad never made me feel like it. I was so lost. Felt like I’d never belong anywhere. He came to me and told me I shouldn't be too hard on myself for doing what I thought was right, that even right choices have consequences. He seemed so confident that there was still a place for me out here, bigger than I could imagine,” He paused, and took a deep breath to calm himself. 

She placed her hand on his knee and he searched her face as she spoke. “He was right,” He could feel the skepticism play on his features as he searched for some sign that she was just saying what he wanted to hear. “Would that lost seventeen-year-old Kaidan Alenko have ever imagined you’d be the man you are today? A Major in the Alliance, a Spectre, Commander of the 1st Special Operations Biotic Company…”

Shepard wasn’t one for platitudes, so he knew she meant it when she said it, but it didn’t make it any easier to believe. He shook his head and cleared his throat. “He liked you, though, right away,” He said keeping his eyes locked on her, and smiled sadly when she blushed, and pulled her hand from his knee. “He told me in no uncertain terms not to fuck things up with you,” Kaidan let the statement linger between them as he drank more tea. He felt the tension leaving his face, and had a feeling she has laced the tea with something more potent than herbs. After a very long moment, he looked to Shepard. “You know, he met me on Arcturus for your funeral,” He whispered, and she paled. For a moment, he regretted bringing it up, but just for a moment. He wanted to talk about it, about what his father had done for him when he needed it most. He spoke for a long time, about the ceremony. He told her about the way Alex had stayed with him, forced him to engage. He told her that it was because of his father that he was able to get back to work when he did. It was nice to talk to her about him. It was nice to talk about him with someone who knew him, even if they’d only met that once. “I was so glad he was there, too, because he was the only one who knew. How ironic that you’re here now and he’s…” He shook his head, and she reached out and took his hand again. 

He didn’t know what to say next, so he flexed his fingers and they linked with hers. She chewed her lip. “Sorry about last night, Shepard. I don’t want you to think I can’t work. I’m alright. I’ll be alright,” He insisted. “I just … I don’t know how you do it.”

“I have my moments,” She promised him somberly, and he felt the skepticism on his face as she sipped her tea. “Well, maybe it’s a little easier for me.” She looked away from his face and down to their linked hands. When she had come back he had been so afraid to believe that she was real. People didn’t come back from the dead. He couldn’t handle letting himself believe it only to find out she wasn’t his Shepard. Then he’d received the reports from Miranda. She was scientifically, medically, miraculously alive again. By the time she had brought him the records, he had already broken the one promise he’d made to her. He had walked away from her. 

“What makes it easier for you?” He asked, his voice raw with spent emotion. She didn’t answer as she stared at their hands. Her thumb tracing circles in his palm. “Shepard?”

“I was a mess after Mars,” She admitted quietly, the abrupt change of subject disoriented him momentarily. Kaidan found he couldn’t take his eyes off her as she spoke. “I didn’t sleep for days at a time. Liara was worried about me. I was snapping at everyone, Garrus, Joker, Adams, Chakwas, shit, I was snapping at people I didn’t even know. The thought of you near death, in the hospital, because I failed to take the shot? I was barely keeping it together,” She paused, she was looking at their hands. Her thumb was still teasing his palm. Then the silence was broken when she sighed. It sounded relieved, “Then I got your message, that you were okay and I felt like, for the first time since the SR-1 went down I actually wanted to fight. I had my own reason to. I don’t know what I would have done if you had, hadn’t woken up. I… I think I know what it was like for you, after Alchera, at least a little bit.” She stalled. He was watching her, he could tell her cheeks had darkened, her chest was rising and falling quickly with every breath. She still hadn’t looked up at him, he wanted nothing more than to look into her eyes as she spoke. 

His thumb caressed her wrist and she cleared her throat before she continued. “David and I have said our goodbyes. We both know the odds of us being in the same place at the same time again are slim. We’ve accepted that,” She paused, and Kaidan could taste the sweet, heavy tension as it danced in the air between them. “Now that you’re here, everyone I care about, everyone I want to keep safe, everyone I … love is on this ship, where I can see them,” She lifted her eyes to his and his heart jumped at the naked, raw emotion in their icy depths, “Talk to them and touch them,” She reached out with her free hand and her fingertips traced his jawline, leaving a tingling heat in their wake, “when I need to.” When her fingertips reached his chin, she let her hand fall and her palm rested over his heart. He knew she could feel it pounding. 

He felt that familiar twist in his core as she spoke. He hadn’t felt it in a long time. There was a time he thought he’d never feel it again. With one of her hands still on his chest, she lifted their linked hands, and flattened his palm over her heartbeat covering his hand with hers and holding it in place. “I don’t know if there’s a real heart in there,” She whispered, with a shrug as her eyes dropped from his face. She was referring to the cybernetics Cerberus had used to bring her back. He knew he’d given her hell for her connection to Cerberus, and he wished he could take it back now. Cerberus may be evil but they brought her back to him, “but it still beats like it used to.”

He kept his eyes on her as he moved closer to her, hands holding steady on each other’s chest. He looked down to where his hand rested and then back up at her face as she released his and let it fall to his knee. It was the same. He remembered it, his favorite rhythm, albeit faster, harder as it felt like it might jump out of her chest. He was surprised when he finally met her eyes, and he noticed them glistening with tears. He sighed deeply, “Sloan,” Her eyes closed, hiding the emotions that danced in them at the sound of her name in his voice. It was the first time he had spoken it since she returned. “I’ve missed you,” He stated simply, the hoarseness of his voice surprised him. 

“I am right here,” She responded, it was so quiet he almost didn’t hear it. He moved closer without thinking, his knees brushed against hers. She chewed her lip as her fingers twitched. Their tips rested just at the dip in his neck. He swallowed. She was right there, warm and alive and right there. His eyes moved, darting between her eyes and her lips. He watched as her tongue slipped out to wet them.  


Her omni’tool started beeping, and she jumped, pulling her hands back and dropping his. Kaidan wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and never let her go. She sighed, “We’re docking in ten minutes. I have to go talk to Javik about the Council. We’ll have to finish this later,” She said, scrubbing her hands over her face. Her cheeks were still pink and her eyes wetter than normal as she knocked back the rest of her tea. She set the mug on the table before she stood. 

Kaidan felt as if he’d been slapped by the quick change in her demeanor. She walked briskly to the door, and he watched her. He was unsure of how, or if, he should stop her. She paused, and looked back at him over her shoulder, “That’s how I do it, Kaidan.” She said as the door sighed open and she walked through. 

He sighed, and finished his tea in silence cursing their lost opportunity. He grabbed his shower supplies and decided to get a start on his day. Shepard kept going, by going; he would do the same, but he’d be damned if they didn’t finish this conversation today. At the risk of sounding cliché, he didn’t know how much time either one of them had left. He wasn’t going to let another day go by without telling her how he felt, without putting it all out there and letting her make a decision.

Not another day would go by with Sloan Shepard not knowing he was in love with her.


	59. Chapter 59

Kaidan fell onto the couch in the Starboard Observation Lounge. The Normandy had docked just under half an hour earlier and the shutters were closed. Not that there was much to see at the moment, just the large arms of the citadel holding the ship close. He opened his omni’tool and linked to the Spectre Terminal to see who was still requesting assistance and to offer help. He was surprised when he noticed they had all been responded to. When he checked to see which Spectre had picked up the tasks. He sighed when he noticed the signature: CDR. SS. 

He checked the time and realized Shepard would be in with Javik and the Council for at least the next half hour. Even with the upgraded translators, he suspected they would hold her hostage for as long as they could. He also knew she would want to stand by Javik’s side as long as he would allow her. She wouldn’t want to force anyone to deal with the Council on their own. He sent her a message, “Shepard, You do know you’re not the only Spectre on the station, right? Save some work for the new guy, will you? Let me know if there’s anything you want me to do. – Kaidan”

He closed down the ‘tool, knowing she wouldn’t be responding for a while. He stood, stretched and his stomach grumbled letting him know he couldn’t skip another meal. He left the Lounge and stopped at the elevator. He could have gone to the mess, but he had the sudden craving for ramen and knew of the perfect spot to find some on the Citadel. 

He stepped on the elevator, and closed his eyes leaning against the back wall. He thought of the night before. How comfortable he had been with Shepard. As the night continued, he had grown tired. The emotions of the day completely draining him. More than once, Shepard had tried to stand, but her movement would rouse him, and he would hold tight to her hand until she sat back down. Eventually, she slid closer to him, and rested her head on his shoulder, abandoning her attempts to leave. He had sighed deeply and wrapped his arm around her. Her head rested on his chest, and they fell asleep. 

It was the best night sleep he’d had in years. 

The elevator doors opened to the CIC and Kaidan realized the ship was mostly empty, even Joker and EDI had left. He passed through the vacant space quickly. It felt odd to be on the ship while she was offline. Once his feet hit the station, he took a deep breath and made his way towards Cheu Noodle Bar. The Citadel was still buzzing with activity left over from the coup. C-Sec officers were still working on gathering information on how they were breached while working on increasing security on the station so nothing like this would happen again. Kaidan couldn’t help but feel like it was futile with the Reapers here. 

He reached the restaurant and went to the counter. The clerk seemed surprised at the amount of food he ordered, but Kaidan was used to it. He carried his trays to the last empty table and sat, spreading out his food as his stomach rumbled greedily. “Hey, Major,” Kaidan looked up into James Vega’s grinning face. “Did you save any for the rest of us?” The Lieutenant chuckled and jabbed an elbow towards Cortez, who shook his head through his grin. 

“You can have my leftovers,” Kaidan responded with a laugh as he turned his attention back to his food. Moments later, the Lieutenants were back at his table and Kaidan looked up, wiping his mouth with a napkin. 

“No tables left, mind if we join you?” Cortez asked, and Kaidan nodded gesturing to the seats opposite him. They sat, and tucked in to their meal. Kaidan knew the blissful looks on their faces reflected his own. It really was the best ramen on the Citadel. “Oh, I got notification that your armor is ready. It’s here on the Citadel,” Cortez informed him and Kaidan sighed in relief. He was glad he wouldn’t have to wait any longer. 

“Good, I’ll pick it up before we leave,” Kaidan responded with a nod. “Thanks.” 

“So, uh, Major,” Vega started, glancing at Cortez out of the corner of his eye. “I’ve heard a rumor about you.” Cortez sighed, and dropped his eyes to his food. Kaidan looked up and found humor dancing in Vega’s eyes. 

“Oh yeah?” He asked around a mouthful of food. “What’s that?” He hoped it would have nothing to do with Shepard and his history, or what he hoped for their future.

“I’ve heard you’ve got more biotic control in el dedo meñique than most biotics have in their whole bodies,” Vega answered, wiggling his little finger as he spoke, and Kaidan couldn’t help the relief that washed over him, as he continued to eat. 

“Where’d you hear that?” Kaidan asked as he lifted his drink, his eyes locked on Vega. 

“The Commander,” Vega replied simply as he continued to eat, without looking up from his plate. 

Kaidan watched him for a moment, wondering why Shepard and he would have been discussing his biotics. “That may be true, but Commander Shepard’s biotic ability well surpasses my own,” Kaidan argued. 

“That’s up for debate at the moment,” Cortez interjected, and Kaidan cocked his head at him. “If you don’t mind my saying so, even Shepard thinks it’s possible you’re better than she is. I’ve heard about how you protected the Council during the coup with a pistol and your biotics alone.”

“Shepard is like a battering ram on the field, all power and destruction. She says you’re, I think elegant was the word she used,” Vega responded, and Kaidan couldn’t help the embarrassment that burned in his chest. He was just glad it didn’t show itself on his face.

“Okay, so I have to ask why you were talking about my biotics,” Kaidan insisted as he piled up his empty plates. 

“I have been trying to get Shepard to use her biotics with me when we spar, but she won’t,” Vega explained, and realization dawned on Kaidan’s features, and Cortez grinned. “She says she doesn’t have enough control to feel comfortable that she wouldn’t hurt me. I was hoping you might be willing to go a few rounds.”

“Well, she’s right. Biotics are a weapon. It would be like sparring with live rounds,” Kaidan responded, attempting to back her up in her absence.

“I understand that, and I’m not asking you to wipe the floor with me. I just want to learn how to defend myself against them. We’re going to be going up against enemies that are beyond our imagination. I want to be ready,” Vega explained, his eyes haunted and Kaidan heard Cortez sigh. Kaidan was silent for a few moments. His warm whiskey eyes locked on the younger man’s solemn gaze. 

Kaidan had to admit, he had good reasoning for wanting to learn, and he’d always found it hard to argue with logic. “Alright,” Kaidan agreed, and couldn’t help the grin that split his face when Vega threw his hands up in the air like he’d just won a battle. Cortez was laughing next to him, and Kaidan flashed back to a moment, years ago. 

Corporal Jenkins popped up to his feet and threw his arms over his head shouting, “That was awesome!”

This was not that, however. This was a seasoned soldier looking for an edge to survive, Kaidan knew that. He returned the smile, and continued, “But,” Vega deflated almost instantly and looked at Kaidan, “You have to wear full armor.”

“Whatever you say,” Vega agreed, his enthusiasm contagious and Kaidan was grinning when his omni’tool sounded.

He excused himself and Vega and Cortez went back to their food, chatting quietly as Kaidan read the message. “Kaidan – I gave the crew twenty-four hours of liberty. Take advantage of it. There will be plenty to do when we get back on the ship. – Shep”

He sighed, and replied, “Shepard – When will you be taking a break?” He sent the message and hoped she would respond soon. He turned his attention back to Vega and Cortez. “Thank you for the company, I’ve got a few errands to run,” Kaidan said as she stood and gathered his trash. He wished them a pleasant evening off. Vega mentioned hitting the bar on the station later that night, and extended the invitation, but Kaidan didn’t make any solid plans. He wouldn’t until he and Shepard spoke. 

He started walking towards the shop to pick up his armor when his ‘tool sounded. He opened the message from Shepard, “I’ll be getting coffee in about twenty minutes, and then I have to meet with Jondam Bau.” Jondam Bau was another Spectre who had reached out for help with one of his missions. It was one of the requests Kaidan had intended on accepting. 

“Meet me at Apollo’s in twenty? Let me buy you a coffee,” He suggested, hope blooming in his chest again as he turned and let his feet lead him to the cafe. Her response came quickly, a simple “Okay.” He grinned and thought about what he could say to her in the time they had. He was grateful the café wasn’t far from his current spot. He reached Apollo’s before she did, and stood in line with his hands deep in his pockets. 

“Hey,” He heard her soft greeting behind him and he turned and met her eyes with a smile. “You’re looking better,” She commented, her eyes moving over his face.

“Yeah, I’m feeling okay,” He admitted, the movement in the line was all it took to stop him from leaning over and placing a kiss on her cheek. He sighed as he moved up to the counter. “Coffee or tea?” He asked her, and she gave her order. She opted for coffee, commenting that she needed the caffeine. Well, it wasn’t real coffee, but it was close. He handed her a cup before handing his credit chit to the clerk. Once it was returned he walked with her to an empty table. “How was Javik with the Council?” He asked, and she snorted.

They sat, and she cupped her hands around the drink, a grin pulling at her lips, “I think my favorite part was when he told Valern Salarians used to eat flies,” Her eyes sparked with mirth when they met his and he grinned with her. “There was something satisfying about watching him put them in their place,” She admitted. “Especially when he reprimanded them for not listening to me about the Reapers,” She added.

“It’s nice when someone else can say the ‘I told you so’ for you,” Kaidan offered and Shepard nodded. She lifted her drink and took another long pull, Kaidan copied, his eyes not moving from her. He was using the beverage to push down the nerves that were building in his chest now that she was here, in front of him. “Sloan, I want to thank you for staying with me last night,” He offered, meeting her eyes and she nodded, reaching out and covering his hand with hers. “We haven’t had a lot of time to talk, but I think we should.”

“Yeah, I know, but Kaidan, I think it is a conversation that will take longer than,” She paused and checked the time on her ’tool, “ten minutes.” He sighed, dropping his eyes to his coffee and knew the disappointment was clear in the way his shoulders slumped. His omni’tool pinged and he looked up and met her eyes. “I’ll be staying at Anderson’s apartment on the Strip for the night. I sent you the address,” She explained, and he opened the message. It was in one of the busiest sections of the Citadel, surrounded by shops, the casino, restaurants, and the like. Kaidan was surprised Anderson would have a place in that neighborhood, but admittedly, he didn’t know the Admiral that well. “Meet me there about seven?” She offered. 

“Yeah, okay,” He accepted, and she nodded with a smile. At least if they were at the apartment, they would be alone and hopefully wouldn’t be interrupted. It also gave him more time to work out exactly what it was he wanted to say to her. She stood, and he watched her. “I’ll see you later, Shepard,” He agreed and she nodded, turning on her heel and continuing on her way. He looked after her until he couldn’t see her anymore. Then he stood and made his way back towards the shop so he could pick up his armor. 

It didn’t take him long to get to the shop. He browsed, picking out a few different mods and upgrades for his rifle and armor. When he was done, the shopkeeper offered to deliver it to the docking bay so he wouldn’t have to carry it across the station. Kaidan let himself wander then, passing the time slowly. He spent a lot of the time thinking about Shepard, and their relationship from three years ago. When he did think about it, he couldn’t believe he had been so afraid of how he felt. He had known, even before he admitted it to himself that he was in love with her. Instead of taking that leap, and telling her, he kept it to himself. He wondered what would have been different if he had told her. 

Would she have transferred him? When the Collectors hit, would she still have ordered him away? Would he have listened? Would she have died? Would he? Had she loved him back?

He paused when he realized where his feet had brought him. He felt the warm rush of nostalgia wash over him as he looked over the vista before him. He’d been here before. He could almost hear them, their younger selves, looking over this view and being amazed at the size of the Citadel. He’d nearly geeked out at the science behind it. Then he’d gone and called Shepard beautiful because he had been distracted. Ashley had loved that. He felt a pang of grief when he thought of Ashley. 

He missed her, and swallowed hard when he thought of the moment Shepard had returned to the bomb site on Virmire instead of going to get Ashley. He had been convinced his time was up and he was going to die, and he’d been okay with it. Then Shepard had returned to him, and he realized he had killed his friend. When he thought about Ashley, he realized he still felt guilty for her death, no matter what Shepard told him. Ashley had always been a vocal supporter of Kaidan being open and honest with his feelings. Pushing him to accept them, and to make the move when the time was right.

He thought she would probably appreciate the situation he found himself in currently. He took a deep breath and pushed away from the railing continuing his meandering through the Citadel. He glanced at the clock and was surprised so much time had passed but he still had some time before it would make sense to head over to Anderson’s apartment. 

He knew he was going to tell her he loved her, but he needed to make sure he said it right. He couldn’t fumble through the words like he was so apt to do. He sighed and thought about her, and all the things he loved about her. He thought of the way his father had taken to her. He knew his mother would adore her when they met – if they met – when they met. He thought of the way he felt when he was with her, like the best version of himself. He thought of the way she supported him, and how he wanted to do the same for her. How he wanted to be the one behind her, protecting her, and making sure she was able to get the job done – even when she didn’t need someone. 

He thought about their time together, in Vancouver. How easy they had gotten on. How their daily lives and routines had melded so perfectly. How comfortable they were together. He thought of the nights in Vancouver. How unbroken he felt when they made love, how much he longed to hold her, touch her, and love her in that way again. He had never gotten such pleasure out of pleasing another as he did when he was with her. 

He sighed, and turned his steps towards the transport terminal to call a shuttle. He was pretty sure he knew what he was going to say. He had it in his head, and knew that he had time on the shuttle to make sure it was perfect. The shuttle arrived and he climbed in and entered the address. He watched the lights fly by as he structured his declaration, wiping his hands on his pants as his nerves increased. In what felt like less time than it was, the shuttle pulled up in front of Tiberius Towers and Kaidan paid before exiting. 

He looked up at the structure. It was impressive, and fit right in with the neon lights of the strip. It reminded him of the old pictures of Las Vegas. He steeled himself, and entered the lobby. He brushed passed the concierge and went to the elevator. He pressed the call button for her floor, and rocked back and forth on his heels as the elevator climbed. The doors opened before him, and he walked down the long hallway, reaching her door at the end. He lifted his ‘tool to request access, and the lock turned green on its own.

He smirked, and entered quietly. He paused just inside the door. The apartment was huge, and more extravagant than he had expected. The wall to the right was all windows, looking out over the strip. The lights of the sky cars whizzed by making shadows dance on the walls. There was a fireplace that took up nearly an entire wall, with a vid screen almost as big just over the mantle. Kaidan thought he saw a bar in the next room, but before he had the opportunity to really explore, he heard soft grunting and the familiar sounds of someone working out with an exercise bag. 

He turned on his heel and followed the sound. He found her, in a room off the main hall. His eyes moved over her form. She wore loose fitting shorts hanging from her hips, and a snug white tank top, damp with sweat and sticking to her chest and abs. He swallowed hard as his eyes drank her in. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail, swinging back and forth with each movement she took. Some strands had come loose and stuck to her damp skin. He took a moment to watch her as she worked the punching bag, her muscles shifting beneath her sweat slickened skin as she danced around the bag. He didn’t want to scare her, so he spoke quietly, “Hey, Sloan.”

He still startled her, and she jumped and spun, her hand going to her chest as if she were trying to hold in her beating heart. “Kaidan!” She exclaimed, checking the time, “Oh shit, I lost track of time,” She said, and he chuckled as he crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the door frame. She stepped around the bag, and unwrapped the tape from her knuckles. He watched, his eyes moving over her as she bent to pick up the towel and water near her feet.

“Don’t worry about it, I think I’m a little early,” He offered, and she stood and cocked an eyebrow at him. They both knew he wasn’t early. 

“I’m just going to clean up,” She brought the towel up, and dabbed at her face and neck before tossing it over her shoulder. “Give me ten minutes,” She requested, before taking a long drink from her water. He nodded. “Feel free to look around,” She offered as she disappeared from the room, and Kaidan was almost sure he heard the shower turn on. He turned his attention to the room he was in as he stepped further inside. That was when he noticed the bed, closet, and dresser. Clearly, this was her bedroom in Anderson’s apartment. He moved to the dresser and found her awards and commendations set out on the top, along with a picture of her with Anderson. She looked so very young, and so did Anderson. Both grinning, pride shining in both their eyes. Her face was scarred, and the scars were still red and angry. He lifted the picture and studied it a little closer. Anderson had much less gray hair, and fewer lines on his face. 

He was still looking at the picture, trying to place it in her timeline, when the room was suddenly flooded with the scent of plum blossoms, and his throat dried as his heart raced. He set the picture down and turned to face her, she was towel drying her hair. She had dressed in a pair of fresh shorts and a new tank. She was barefoot, her elegant legs exposed, and Kaidan couldn’t tear his eyes away from her. She gave him a smile when she noticed which picture he was looking at. 

“That’s from-” Shepard had started to explain the picture but Kaidan interrupted her. 

“Sloan, I’m in love with you,” He announced. It wasn’t classy, it wasn’t what he had planned to say. Yet, in this moment, he just needed her to know that, nothing else. Time passed in heartbeats instead of seconds after his admission. 

_Thump, thump._

He watched as the emotions danced over her face. Wide-eyed shock. Slack jawed relief. Bright-eyed happiness. 

_Thump, thump._

She dropped the towel and was walking towards him, a smile tugging at the corner of her trembling lips. 

_Thump, thump._

She was in his arms; her arms wound around his neck and her lips were pressed against his. 

She was hot from her shower, and he could feel her strength as she held on to him; like she was afraid he was going to leave. As if to answer her unspoken concern, he secured his hold on her, pulling her flush against him as his arms wound tighter around her waist. She shivered as they relaxed simultaneously, her lips opening for him, and allowing him to deepen the kiss. It was a first kiss, but it wasn’t. It was a dance they had perfected in another lifetime, and one they still new all the steps to. She tasted the same. She felt the same. She sounded the same as he swallowed the moan that slipped from the back of her throat. Her breath danced over his cheek as he inhaled sharply through his nose, breathing her in as quickly as he could. 

He felt it rising in his chest; it started somewhere near his toes, and inched its way up. It gathered power in his gut, and speed in his chest, until his face broke into a grin against her lips and he laughed. Loud and unashamed, he laughed, and felt it when she smiled in return. He pulled back enough to meet her eyes. His forehead was pressed against hers, and he released her enough to move his hands to her face, pushing her hair back so he could see her. Her hands slid down his front, and fisted in the sides of his shirt. “Say it again,” She whispered, her eyes sparkled in the soft lighting of the room as they locked on his. 

He couldn’t stop smiling, “I’m in love with you.” Her eyes were closed, and she smiled before leaning forward and kissing him again. His hand skimmed down her sides to her hips. She brought her hands back up and held his face as she kissed him again, laughing quietly. Kaidan grinned, and shuddered when her hands moved to the buttons of his shirt. 

He pulled back to meet her eyes and saw his own desires reflected there. Quickly, he moved his hands to help her and they fumbled over the comically small buttons. In their haste, they were all clumsy hands and awkward limbs as they stripped him of his clothes, while trying not to break their kiss. It was a harder task than expected considering they kept laughing and tripping as he guided her back towards her bed. More than once he caught her, she grasped his shoulders and his arms wrapped around her waist to stop her from falling to the floor before they reached the bed. She pulled her tank off over her head and sat on the edge of the bed. Kaidan moved with her, his lips never leaving hers as she moved herself back on the bed, pulling her shorts down as she went. She helped him as best as she could as he shimmied out of his pants.

His lips found hers again as he settled in the cradle of her hips. He kissed her slowly, and thoroughly as her giggles quieted, and her breathing increased. Her hands went to his hair, holding him close as she shifted beneath him. She pressed herself closer and lifted her legs on either side of him, arching her hips towards him. His hands moved to her face as he pulled back and met her eyes. He brushed her hair off her face, and watched her as he slipped inside. She gasped, and her eyes closed as she locked her legs around him. She clung to him, her fingers digging into his back, desperate to hold on to him. 

He groaned as his mouth moved to her neck. He placed gentle kisses along her pulse point as he moved inside her. He listened to her, the soft moans and gentle sighs that slipped from her lips told him more than she could say in words. He was tuned in to her. He felt like he was going to come apart at the seams. It was almost too much for him to feel all at once. The sense of completion, the love, the happiness, the fear, the irrational sadness; Kaidan blinked back tears as he listened to his name slip from her lips. He felt her biotics stirring and igniting his own. 

She gasped his name, and he lifted his head and watched her flare as she broke. The biotic energy rushed out from her, her eyes flashing bright blue and lighting up the room. The feeling of her nearly vibrating beneath him was enough for him to follow with a long low groan. He kissed her with everything he was feeling. He never wanted to stop, and if the way she returned the kiss, and held on to him was any indication, she felt the same. Eventually, the kiss broke and he pulled back nearly panting as he rested his head on her chest. Her heart beat was strong, fast, and beautiful. If he had his way, he’d never move from this spot.

He was home.


	60. Chapter 60

Kaidan barely slept all night, and for the first time in a long time it was for a good reason. He didn’t want to fall asleep and miss any second of this night. He couldn’t keep his hands off her, and she seemed just as desperate to hold on to him. They hadn’t said much, but they had made love twice more before sunrise. Eventually, she had fallen asleep with her head on his chest. His hand slowly running through her hair and her arm slung over his waist. Her legs were tangled with his, and he closed his eyes and let himself feel her against him. 

Keeping his eyes closed didn’t last long; he wanted to see her, to watch her sleep, and imagine what she was seeing behind her closed eyes. He did doze lightly, but every sigh that slipped passed her lips, every twitch of a muscle, and the way she pulled him closer in her sleep woke him. He watched as the artificial sky lightened to simulate the sun rising over the building. It streaked through the windows and danced over her face. It warmed him, and somehow made everything seem softer. It was like the light was shining on their moment, and letting him see that it was real. 

She stirred, and his breath caught in his throat when her sleep clouded eyes opened and met his. She graced him with a lazy smile, and he leaned down and kissed her – just because he could. He pulled back enough to look into her eyes, and she sighed deeply. “Good morning,” She whispered, her voice was soft and quiet, almost like she was afraid speaking out loud would break something. He gave a gentle sound of agreement, and wrapped his arms around her, slightly tighter and she turned her head and placed a kiss to the side of his neck. “Did you sleep well?” She asked, pulling away gently and looking up into his eyes. He didn’t even need to answer. The guilty smile on his face gave him away. “Kaidan, we have to get back to work in three hours,” She scolded through a smile as he leaned down and kissed her again before leaving a trail along her jaw to her neck. “Why didn’t you sleep? Are you feeling alright?”

He felt the warmth of her concern bloom in his chest, still, he snorted, and pulled back to look at her. “Sloan,” He was grinning, “I have never been better than I am, right now.” He loved that she blushed at his words before she lifted her head and kissed him lightly. 

“They why didn’t you sleep?” She asked as she reached up and ran her fingers over his brow and down the side of his face. Her voice was still tinged with sleep, and it was one of his favorite sounds. 

He smiled and turned his head, kissing her palm before letting his eyes wander over her face as he pushed her hair off her forehead, “I didn’t want to wake up,” He answered, his voice barely audible as his eyes met hers. She sighed deeply through her smile. She let her head rest back on his chest, and slid her leg up over his hip as she tightened her hold on his waist. He kissed the top of her head, and closed his eyes, allowing them to enjoy the quiet for a little while longer. One hand gently ran through her hair and caressed her back as the other slowly slid up her leg to rest on her thigh. Muscle memory alone allowed his hand to curl around her leg as he absently stroked the scar from Feros. 

Instantly, she tensed. Her body went rigid, and he could have sworn she literally cooled a few degrees. Abruptly, she pulled away from him. She swung her legs over the side of the bed and sat up. In the process, she kept the sheet from the bed pressed close to her body. “Sloan?” He reached out, his fingertips grazing her back for a second, before she shifted and wrapped the sheet over her shoulders, covering herself from his view. She turned and looked at him over her shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” She insisted, and he scolded her by repeating her name as he sat and moved closer to her. “No, really, it’s silly. We just, we have to get ready. We have to be back on the ship in three hours,” She insisted, and Kaidan kissed her shoulder through the sheet. 

“Tell me, Sloan,” He prodded, and she turned and glared at him. He could see the doubt and frustration in her eyes, but he wasn’t going to let it go. Something had happened, he had upset her somehow, and he didn’t know what he had done. 

He saw the moment she gave in. “It’s silly,” She argued quietly, and a blush decorated her cheeks as she dropped her eyes. He pressed his lips to her shoulder again, and kept them there. He wanted her to know she could tell him, whatever it was. He wasn’t going to judge her. She sighed. “You…” her voice stuck momentarily, “your hand… on my leg. That scar, all my scars, they’re … gone… and I have all these new marks from Cerberus and I hate them. I didn’t think about it last night,” She admitted. “I look so different. I earned those marks. They were mine. They were my story, and now they’re gone. It’s like,” She paused and let out a shaky breath as she held the sheet tight in her hands. “Cerberus erased it,” She locked eyes with him. “They erased my past,” Her voice was small, smaller than he had ever heard it, and his heart broke for her.

He had spent so much time angry with Cerberus, he’d never once stopped and considered how it would have affected her. He kissed her shoulder again, “Sloan, I didn’t fall in love with your scars,” He whispered, as his hand slowly slid up her back to the top of the sheet. He tugged at it and, though he could sense her reluctance, she let him. He watched as goosebumps rose on her skin as it was laid bare again. Her hands were twisting in her lap as she allowed him to pull it away from her. “I don’t need to see the scars to know your story,” He moved and kissed along the top of her back, from one shoulder to the other. “Omega,” He whispered, and he felt her take a deep, shuddering breath. 

He reached around her, and turned her head towards him. He tilted it down, and kissed above her ear, “Luna.” Her breathing increased, but it wasn’t from arousal. He pulled back enough to look into her eyes, and they were filled with tears. He peppered kisses over her cheeks, barely touching her skin, as he whispered, “Akuze.” With gentle pressure on her chest, he urged her to lie back down, and she did. Her watery eyes never left his as he moved over her to continue his exploration. He kissed her shoulder, “Feros.” 

He met her eyes as he hovered over her chest. She chewed her lip and watched as he pressed his lips to the spot just under her breast, and whispered, “Luna.” He was surprised when he saw the first tear leave a trail down her face. He moved lower, bypassing the spots where the skin was thin and the red glow of the cybernetics beneath shined through. They weren’t what made her the woman she was. He pressed series of kisses around her belly button. “Mindoir.” He glanced up at her face. Her eyes were pinched closed, and her hand was pressed over her mouth as she trembled. He moved lower still, to her thigh, to the wound that he had mended. Feros had been the first time he had allowed himself to admit there was something between them, even if it was just to himself. He placed a single row of kisses where that scar had been. “Feros.”

She choked back a sob, and his eyes shot to her face. He moved, so he covered her with his body, and she wrapped her arms around his neck. His arms wound around her, and held her against him. He coaxed her head back gently, and started a final row of kisses across her face. From above her right eyebrow, over her nose, and ending on her cheek. “Mindoir.” He whispered the word, naming her final scar and felt it when she broke. The sobs wracked through her and her body shook with the power of them. Loud, broken cries erupted from her throat, and he hated the helpless feeling that grew in his gut. As she cried, Kaidan felt her biotics stirring seconds before her body was sheathed in blue and vibrating against his skin. He didn’t know what to do to make her feel better. 

So he did what he could. He held her.

He rolled to his side and held her close. He tangled their legs together and pressed her face into his chest. He held her as she came apart. She was trembling in his arms. He was surprised by how angry he became and how quickly it came upon him. He just didn’t know what to be angry with. He hated that Cerberus had done this to her. He hated that he missed so much time with her. He hated that she had died. He had to wonder how long she had been holding this in. He pressed a kiss to her forehead, and his hands swept over her back. Long, slow, tender caresses as she sobbed. He shushed her and whispered soothing words against her hair. He wasn’t even sure what he was saying, but the sound of his voice vibrating low in his chest seemed to help her as her tears slowed. 

Eventually, she shifted, angling away from him so he could see her splotchy, wet face. She pulled back her arms, and swiped the back of her hand across her nose before rubbing her eyes with the heels of her hands. Kaidan kept his arms securely around her, and her eyes darted down to his chest. She blushed. “Sorry,” She mumbled, embarrassment tinging her tone, as she wiped her hands over his damp skin, smearing her tears across his torso. 

“No,” He said softly, covering her hands with one of his against his chest. “No apologies,” He insisted. “Don’t ever apologize for letting yourself feel,” He asserted, lifting her hands and kissing her fingers. She nodded, and slid her hands from his as she cupped his face bringing her lips to his. She kissed him quickly, and soundly. She pulled back and her hands traced his face, her eyes following.

When her eyes met his, he felt a fluttering in his chest at the raging emotions he found there, “I … thank you, Kaidan,” She whispered, and kissed him again. Her hands were still cupping his face. He moved slightly, rolling her beneath him as he deepened the kiss. He groaned when his tongue met hers and she shifted beneath him, allowing them to be closer. As he kissed her, slowly, thoroughly, his hand reached up and covered hers on his cheek. He laced their fingers.

The alarm sounded from the bedside table, and he felt her smile against his lips. He chuckled softly, and continued to kiss her even as she reached up and shut off the alarm. He pulled back and looked to her shining eyes. “We really do have to get moving,” She urged, and he sighed in agreement before rolling off her. She sat, and pulled a shirt off the floor, his, and stood. “I’m going to grab a shower,” she announced and he watched her go, running her fingers through her hair as she went. Seconds later he heard the water turn on and glanced quickly at the clock. 

He wished they could stay locked away in this apartment for days, weeks, months… forever, really. Unfortunately, that was not a possibility; not yet, anyway. He threw back the covers, and pulled on his boxers. He padded through the apartment, running his hand through his hair as he went. It really was an impressive piece of real estate on the Citadel, and Kaidan did not want to imagine what it cost the Admiral. He wished he had more time to spend here with her, just the two of them. It made him miss Vancouver. He sighed, and forced himself to think of the future. 

He paused as he walked down a hallway, there was a row of pictures on a shelf. Some of Shepard and Anderson, some of Anderson with Alliance Brass, and a few with Anderson and a pretty woman he didn’t recognize. She was fair skinned, blonde, with green eyes and Anderson had his arm around her as they smiled at the camera. He wondered who the woman was, but was distracted from his thoughts when he turned a corner and found a chef’s kitchen, fully stocked. 

He set about making them breakfast. He turned on the coffee maker, and as it brewed he scrambled a few eggs and diced up some vegetables he’d found in the fridge. He’d found a comfortable rhythm in his cooking, and let himself focus on the task at hand. He was completely distracted, so when he felt warm hands slide around his waist and up his chest, it startled him momentarily. He smiled when Shepard pressed her forehead between his shoulder blades. He heard her chuckle behind him, and he covered her hands with one of his. He dropped his head and placed a kiss to her fingertips. She returned it by pressing a kiss to his spine. When her lips touched his bare skin, he was glad he hadn’t put a shirt on. “I thought you would have joined me,” She commented softly. 

“I was tempted, but I figured we needed to eat before we burned through any more energy,” He added through his grin. She snorted delicately as she pulled away, her hands trailing lazily down his abdomen as she stepped back. 

“It smells fantastic,” She commented as she moved around him, pulling dishes from the cupboard and setting them on the island. “I have missed your cooking.” 

He was grinning as he turned and served the food, splitting it between two bowls as Shepard filled their mugs with coffee. They sat across from each other and started their breakfast. Kaidan reached out and covered her hand. She flexed her fingers, tangling them with his. They ate silently, enjoying the food, and the company. Neither wanted to think about how they were running out of time to spend alone here. As they finished their meal, Shepard sighed deeply, and Kaidan knew exactly how she felt: Content. 

She stood and moved around the island to stand next to him, without releasing his hand. She leaned down and kissed him lightly. He brought his hand up and cupped her face, holding her close even as she ended the kiss. “You should shower,” She suggested, her eyes still closed. “I’ll find you something to wear back to the ship,” She offered, and he nodded without releasing her. She kissed him again. He refused to let go, and deepened the kiss when she went to pull away. She moved her hands to his face, and he shuddered as they trailed down to his neck and around to his back as his arms wound around her waist. She stepped closer, between his legs, and he held her. After a minute, she broke the kiss and whispered, “I’m not going with you.” He laughed against her mouth before releasing her. He stood and went towards the bathroom, looking over his shoulder.

She had dressed in her BDUs, her hair hung halfway down her back. She stood and gathered the dishes, taking them to the sink. He couldn’t stop smiling as he went to the bathroom. He opened the door and found the room was nearly as large as his living quarters on Arcturus. The was a large Jacuzzi tub in the corner, and a shower with three shower heads in the opposite space, a separate room for the toilet and a counter with his and hers sinks. It still smelled faintly of Shepard and her body wash. 

He stripped off his shorts and stepped into the shower. As soon as the water hit him, cascading down his body on all sides, he let out a deep, happy sigh. He almost couldn’t believe they were here. Now that they were, he wasn’t going to let her go. That was a decision he made, right there, as he washed quickly. Some might think it was crazy to start a relationship in the middle of a war. In truth, they had started their relationship three years before. With the reality of the war, if they only had weeks left, Kaidan couldn’t imagine wasting another minute. 

He stepped out of the shower, and wrapped a towel around his waist. He brushed his hands over his hair, flattening it to his head and pushing out the excess water. He heard a low whistle to his left and turned to find Shepard leaning against the door frame. He hadn’t even realized she had opened the door. He grinned at her as she stepped into the room. He flexed as her eyes moved over his body, and she grinned as she set the pile of clothes on the counter by the sink. “I found some of David’s old uniforms that should fit you,” She explained, and his eyes darted to the clothes and back to her. He noticed the darkness in her eyes, and it killed the flirtatious mood from the moment before. Before he could say anything to ease her worries she added, “They didn’t fit him anymore, anyway.”

“Sloan,” He said her name, and she forced a smile. 

“As much as I would love to stand here and stare at you in a towel all day, you should get dressed,” She said, her forced grin morphing into a smirk. He chuckled, and nodded. She turned on her heel and left the room, closing the door behind her. He sighed, finished up in the bathroom, and dressed quickly. 

He met her near the door, and she led him out of the apartment. She stopped and locked the door behind her before sliding her hand in his and leading him down the hall to the elevator. It was hard for Kaidan to wrap his head around what a difference a day can make. This time the day before he had been wandering the Citadel trying to figure out how to tell her how he felt, and in the end it had fallen from him without preamble. 

He wouldn’t change the way it had happened for anything. 

Kaidan couldn’t help but notice that it seemed to take much less time to get back to the Normandy than it had to get to Anderson’s apartment. He was just glad she allowed him to keep his hold on her hand. Kaidan thought maybe she slowed down as they reached the elevator down to the docking bays. As if she was just as reluctant for their time to end as he was. She stepped closer to him as they waited for the elevator. She rested her head on his shoulder, and he sighed deeply. Kaidan allowed himself to enjoy the silence, and the feel of her warm hand in his. He kissed the top of her head as the elevator doors opened and they stepped on. 

These elevators were always slow, and they hadn’t gotten any better, but for once Kaidan was grateful for it. As soon as the doors opened, she glanced up at to his eyes and in the same instant they released their hold on each other. They started their walk across the bay, his hand brushing against hers. It was time to go back to work, and if they were going to work, they had to remain professional. When he met her eyes, he knew it was a shared understanding and she seemed to relax. They stepped on to the Normandy and she looked up into his eyes as the decontamination cycle started. 

The humming of the scanner buzzed loudly in the confined space, and it seemed to block out everything else. It was just him and her, for at least thirty more seconds. He was hopeful they would have time alone later in the day, but he also knew it would be a busy afternoon as they sorted out their schedules and plans. She sighed, and smiled at him. She stood on her toes, and kissed his lips lightly. She pulled back just as the doors opened.

“Commander!” Joker called out and Shepard smiled as she let a breath escape. 

“Yeah, Joker?” She responded as she started towards the Bridge. Kaidan watched her go, turning right when she went left. He started towards the elevator, and Traynor stopped him to let him know his armor had arrived and was down with Cortez. He thanked her, and stepped onto the elevator. He turned and looked out over the CIC as he waited for the doors closed. As they did, he heard it. 

Shepard laughed.


	61. Chapter 61

Kaidan stepped off the elevator in the cargo bay. It still amazed him at times, just how much bigger the SR-2 was compared to the first Normandy. Yet, she was quieter, faster, and moved smoother that her smaller predecessor. He took a few steps towards the requisition locker when he heard voices coming from the corner of the room. He stepped closer to the console, and noticed Cortez leaning over the desk, his head down and his shoulders shaking gently. 

Kaidan felt the discomfort deep in his core as he tried not to overhear the message playing. A man’s voice, hushed, telling him to let go and move on. Kaidan swallowed hard and looked around for Vega, for someone to take him out of this moment, but there was no reprieve. He took a step backwards, hoping to ease out of it without Cortez knowing he was there, but his step was too loud and Cortez straightened and his hands went to his face after shutting off the recording. 

Cortez turned, and Kaidan felt his gut twist with familiarity at the grief on his features. “Major?” He greeted and Kaidan aborted his retreat. He knew there was no escaping this encounter and he swallowed hard.

“I didn’t mean to intrude; I was hoping to get my gear,” He explained and Cortez nodded and gestured towards a pile of crates. Kaidan fell into step behind him, hating the uncomfortable silence that filled the room. 

“No intrusion, Sir. If anything, it’s a welcome distraction,” Cortez said as they reached the crate and he pulled the top off and started removing Kaidan’s armor. 

“Please, don’t call me, Sir or Major,” Kaidan said, and at the mention of the title, his throat constricted with thoughts of his father. Cortez looked at him, question in his eyes, and Kaidan offered him a friendly smile. “Kaidan is fine,” He insisted and Cortez nodded, and his shoulders dropped as the formality left the area. “A message from home?” Kaidan asked after a silent moment, and Cortez lifted pained eyes to meet his, and Kaidan instantly regretted asking. 

“Not exactly,” Cortez answered around a sigh, and Kaidan felt the tension prickling the back of his neck. “It’s a recording from Ferris Fields, where I was stationed before. It’s from the day the Collectors hit the colony.” Kaidan bit back the curse, and remained silent as Cortez spoke. “I lost a lot of friends that day. I lost my husband that day,” Cortez voice was thick with emotion, and Kaidan swallowed hard as if he was choking on it. He listened as Cortez spoke. The pilot had been on the outskirts of the colony, so when the Collectors attacked he was out of range. He’d spoken to his husband until the seekers found him and taken him. Kaidan knew the survivor’s guilt all too well. “I just, I wish I had been there. Maybe I could have saved him.” 

“I was there,” Kaidan answered, and the confusion was plain in the crease of Cortez’s brow. “Well, not there on Ferris Fields, but I was on Horizon when it was attacked. If you had been there, you would have been taken. The seeker swarms were too powerful; they missed no one. The only reason I wasn’t taken, the only reason there were any survivors on Horizon, is the fact that Shepard showed up before the Collectors had everyone,” Kaidan offered, and hoped he wasn’t imagining it when some of the darkness left the pilot’s haunted brown eyes. “If you had been there, we’d be short the best shuttle pilot in the Alliance,” Kaidan added, and Cortez chuckled.

“Thank you, Maj-Kaidan. That helps, at least a little,” Cortez said as he broke down the now empty crate and Kaidan’s eyes moved over the armor laid out before him. Brand new armor always looked pretty. It shined beneath the understated lights of the cargo bay, and Kaidan knew if he didn’t work the joints it would move stiffly, and could chafe if he didn’t take the time to break it in. With a gentle sigh, he pulled a stool up to the table and started working with the armor, to add flexibility to the joints. 

It was mundane, menial work and Kaidan was only too glad when EDI’s voice rang out over head alerting the crew of Shepard’s order to the war room. He felt his lips pull into a smile, and wished Cortez a good afternoon as he moved back to the elevator. Kaidan nodded at Traynor and fell into step with her as they made their way towards the war room. “Anything new, Specialist?” He asked as they passed the War Room guards, Westmoreland and Campbell. 

“Actually, I picked up some strange transmissions from Grissom Academy. I’m still trying to sort through the chatter,” She offered as they passed the security scanner and entered the conference room. Grissom Academy was opened in 2176; a human school station whose mission is to “serve a student population demonstrating excellence and passion for math, science, and the liberal arts.” They may not advertise as such, but its special biotic classes make it more of a replacement, or improvement, for BAaT.

“Check with EDI,” Kaidan suggested opening the glass door to the room and allowing Traynor to walk in first. “I’m sure she’d be helpful with the static,” He added and Traynor agreed it would be a good next step. Kaidan looked up as he stepped through the door and found Shepard already there, standing at the head of the table. He was surprised by his instant reaction to her; the gentle flutter in his chest and the smile that tugged at his lips. When her eyes met his, he saw the same emotion reflected back. It was like something had been broken, and it had finally been set right. He moved to the head of the table and stood to her right, and slightly behind her. 

Her eyes followed him, and as he passed her, her hand reached out and grazed his arm lightly. He heard the annoyed click from the doorway, and his eyes shot to the room’s newest occupant. Garrus had entered, his eyes narrow and his mandibles stiff as he moved and leaned against the wall opposite them. Kaidan sighed, and Shepard closed her eyes. Kaidan could tell the Turian’s attitude was a sore spot for her. It was in the tightness of her mouth, and the tension in her shoulders when she turned away from him and faced the slowly filling room.

Liara entered the room and when her eyes landed on Kaidan he saw the knowing smile play on her features, and he had to wonder how she did that – how she just knew things. Her smile was warm, though, approving even; and much different than Garrus. Vega followed Javik, who seemed disinterested in the entire routine. Vega crossed his arms over his thick chest, and leaned back near Garrus. 

“I can’t help but notice we’re finally on our way to the Attican Traverse,” Wrex grumbled, annoyance thick in his voice as he entered the room last broke the silence as the door closed behind him.

Shepard nodded, “That’s right. We’re going to look into Wrex’s missing team,” She explained, and pulled up her omni-tool, sorting through some files. “There have been reports of Rachni activity in the sector as well, so we need to be prepared,” She explained, and Kaidan swallowed hard as he thought back to fighting the creatures on Noveria. 

“They were on Tuchanka, too,” Vega added, his voice was somber, and Kaidan couldn’t hide his surprise. Clearly, not everything made it to the news stations. 

“The Queen we released on Noveria promised to disappear. I’m concerned that they are involved in the war. I am hoping to secure their support on our side,” She said around a sigh. “They could be a power ally. I don’t even want to consider the alternative.” Kaidan pulled out his omni-tool. 

“Vega, temperatures on the planet vary, and there are frequent sandstorms. Get with Liara and make sure our weapons are modded properly,” She ordered and Vega nodded, his eyes darting to the Asari. “The ground team will be Garrus, Alenko, and myself; Wrex, I assume you will be coming with us,” She asked as she glanced at the Krogan.

“You bet your ass I am,” His gravel voice responded. Kaidan was surprised by the way the Krogan had grown, emotionally. When he met Wrex, he was a bounty hunter, out for a kill and a paycheck. Now, he was clearly concerned about his missing men. Kaidan knew the genophage had been cured, and with Wrex’s status on Tuchanka, he assumed Wrex would be one of the first to sire a child. In this moment, he had the thought that Wrex would be a good dad. Whatever that would look like for a Krogan. 

“Alenko, if you could dig up some information on the Rachni, the different types we’ve seen, weaknesses, strengths, etc, and get it out to the crew, that would be beneficial,” She suggested, and Kaidan forwarded the files to the team. 

He shrugged, “I told you, I saved everything.” His answer was simple, and Shepard nodded. 

“We used the Rachni as weapons in my cycle,” Javik spoke, bringing everyone’s attention to him. Shepard asked him what he meant, and there was no doubting the annoyance in his voice as he explained himself, “We would turn them loose on planets. Eventually, their numbers outmatched us and they were out of control. We burned two hundred planets to end them,” He paused, thoughtful clicks were all that were heard, “We thought they were extinct.”

“Yeah, so did we,” Liara added, and Javik’s eyes moved to her. She flushed a lovely lavender color, and Kaidan bit back a grin. 

“Alright, Joker?” Shepard called out, looking to the ceiling where Joker’s voice rang out moments later. “What’s our ETA?” 

“Twenty-two hours,” He answered simply, and Shepard nodded. 

“You have your orders,” Shepard stated simply, looking around the room. “Dismissed.” The room emptied out and Javik asked if he could have a few moments of the Commander’s time. She nodded, and stayed behind as Kaidan followed the group out of the room. He wondered what Javik wanted, but he knew the Prothean and Shepard had an odd understanding between them. As he made his way to the elevator, he was glad he had saved all the information from three years ago. It was nice to be done with his mission prep so he could focus some time on his armor. 

Which is exactly what had been doing for a majority of the evening. Scuffing it, working the joints, roughing up the edges so it wouldn’t reflect light and give away his position. He had taken a break for a meal in the evening, but hadn’t seen much of Shepard all day. He wondered what she had been doing to get herself prepared for the mission, and found he was anxious to see her. They had said, well, he had said a lot, and they had done a lot the night before but they hadn’t really spoken about what would be next for them. Kaidan bit back a yawn as he stowed his armor in his locker and regretted not talking to her about the repercussions of his declaration, and their night together. 

He went to the elevator and stepped on pressing the button for the crew deck when his ‘tool pinged. He opened the message he received, from Shepard, “Whenever you’re done down there, you should come up here, to the cabin.” He leaned back, and was about to reply when another message came through, “Bring all your stuff.”

He grinned, “I’ll be right up,” was the only reply, which he sent as the doors opened. He stepped off the elevator and went to the observation lounge. He gathered the few items he had and stuffed them in his bag before taking it to the elevator. He was surprised, and pleased, at the way his heart raced as he closed the distance between them. Not for the first time, he wished the elevator moved a little faster.

As he reached the door, his heart was pounding happily as he lifted his ‘tool to request access. The lock turned green and he stepped over the threshold, still grinning. He set his bag down just inside the room, and looked around. He hadn’t been up here since the morning before Mars. It felt like forever ago. Her quarters were huge for a warship. To his immediate right was a computer terminal, desk, and a case with model space crafts. Beyond that was the bathroom. To his left, an enormous – empty – fish tank.

He moved further into the room, and stopped at the top of three steps which led down to the living area. A storage locker on the same wall as the fish tank, a large – naked – bed in the center of the space with a personal computer terminal to the right of the bed. He stepped down the stairs and froze when he turned to the right. A small area with a corner couch, a coffee table, and a lounge chair filled the corner. On the couch, wrapped around a pillow and covered with an enormous, soft looking, white comforter was Shepard. Just her head was visible among the covers. 

Her eyes were closed, and her mouth was slightly open as she dozed on the couch. He leaned against the case with the models for a moment and just looked at her. Her breathing was deep and even, and he smiled gently as he stepped closer to her. He sat on the table across from her face, and let himself drink her in. It still struck him sometimes – how impossible it all was – that she was here. Alive. Breathing. He reached his hand out and brushed some hair back off her forehead.

“Stop being creepy, Alenko,” Her voice was quiet, and laced with sleep, and he snorted a laugh. She was smiling when her eyes opened and met his. He felt the twist in his core as she sat up and stretched through a yawn. She patted the spot next to her on the couch, and he moved and sat next to her. Instantly, she molded herself against him. Her head rested on his shoulder and her arms wound around his waist. He sighed deeply, and kissed the top of her head.

“Sloan?”

“Yeah?”

“Why are you sleeping on the couch?” 

She sighed deeply, and Kaidan tightened his hold on her. “I tried sleeping in the bed, my first night on the SR-2. When I opened my eyes and all I saw was the stars, I panicked. I haven’t slept there since,” She answered and it was then Kaidan noticed the window above the bed. “For all the geniuses Cerberus had designing and building this ship, they didn’t seem to consider the fact that the person sleeping in the bed had been spaced,” She said as her fingers toyed with the collar of his shirt. Her nails, and the tips of her fingers lightly brushed against his neck. 

“Nightmares?” He asked, and she nodded. “But they’re better when you’re not alone, right?” She nodded again and he tilted his head to look down at her. After a moment, her eyes lifted and met his. 

“You’re staying up here from now on, right?” She asked him, and he was dumbfounded for a moment at how vulnerable she sounded. He reached over and cupped her face. 

“I’m staying until you tell me to leave,” He answered, and she nodded before turning her head and kissing his palm. She laid her head back on his chest. “No, not even then.” He added quietly and she sighed, turning her face into his chest. They sat in silence for a few long moments. Breathing, and holding on to each other. He felt her body relax and her breathing deepen and knew she was drifting off. “Let’s get to bed,” He whispered, “You’re falling asleep.”

“Well,” She said, as she pulled away from him, “Someone kept me up all night,” She teased and he chuckled and asked if she was complaining. “Not for a second,” She added before leaning over and kissing him quickly. They stood and worked together to get themselves, and the room, ready for bed. Kaidan’s eyes roamed over her and her sleeping attire, a long T and nothing else, as they moved the pillows and blankets back to the bed. Shepard shook out the comforter, and Kaidan grabbed the edge near him as he looked at her across the bed between them.

She smiled as they made the bed, and Kaidan was reminded of the domesticity they found in Vancouver. The easy way their lives weaved together. He watched as she sat, sliding her long, slender legs beneath the blanket and laid down against the pillows. He stripped to his boxers and climbed in beside her. Instantly, she moved closer to him, lying her head on his chest and lifting her leg to rest it over his. Her hand skimmed up his core to his chest, stopping over his heart, and he reached up and covered it with his. He watched the stars, and listened to her breathe. 

He was overcome with a sudden wave of grief and guilt as he reveled in the feeling of her here with him. His father was dead. His mother was alone, and there was nothing he could do for her. Shepard had been dead. He knew what that grief felt like and there was no way he could make his mom feel better. There was no one out there that would resurrect Alex Alenko. “What’s wrong?” She whispered and he barely heard it.

He cleared his throat, “I want to ask you something, but I’m not sure how.”

“You can ask me anything,” She promised softly.

“What do you remember?” She tensed at his question, and he regretted it as she pulled away from him and sat, folding her legs in front of her. He tucked his hand under his head as he watched her. Her fingers twisted in front of her as she stared at them.

“I was wondering when you would ask me that,” She confessed around a sigh. She cleared her throat and locked her eyes on his. “I remember most of it. I remember ordering you to the shuttle, and going for Joker. I remember his stubborn ass arguing with me. I’m pretty sure I broke a couple of his bones throwing him into the pod. I remember the ship coming back around and the sirens wailing,” Her eyes were distant as she spoke, and Kaidan felt terrible for asking but part of him needed to know. “I remember just barely hitting the ejection when the artificial gravity cut off and I was knocked away from the ship,” He reached out and placed his free hand on her knee. She reached down and took it in hers. She toyed with his fingers as she continued to speak. 

“It was beautiful. Alchera looked amazing from space and at first I thought I could just float there until the Alliance came and they would save me. Then I heard the hissing,” She sighed, and wrapped her hand around his. “The air hose had come loose. I realized then I was going to die, and I was surprised by how okay I was. I was glad we had gotten as many of the crew off the ship that we had. I was glad I got Joker to safety. I thought of Anderson and knew he would be upset, but I knew I had made him proud,” She zipped her fingers through his and held on tight. “Then I thought of you,” She admitted quietly, “and I was sad. I didn’t want to leave,” She admitted, and cleared her throat, “but I couldn’t stay.”

“Did it hurt?” She cocked an eyebrow at his question. “Dying?”

“It was like… falling asleep, easier even,” She responded simply. “I was still me, but I wasn’t. There was no pain, or regret, or fear. I just … was,” She said, her eyes showed how difficult it was for her to explain, but he was glad she was trying. “I wasn’t alone, either. I could sense my family with me. My parents, and Michael,” She added, “all that worrying about what had happened to him, and whether he was angry and waiting for me. He’s gone,” She explained and he squeezed her hand. “I had no sense of time, so I don’t know when the feelings started to return, but eventually I felt like something was missing. I started to worry about what it was. The presence I felt, my family, grew weaker, and that’s when fear returned. Then it felt like I was sleeping, I was more aware and I knew it was you that was missing. I was so scared that something had happened to you,” She cleared her throat, again, and Kaidan noticed her eyes were brimming with tears. 

“Knowing what I know now, obviously, they must have been close to waking me,” She offered, “When I did wake up, on that station with Miranda telling me to get up and fight, my first words were, ‘Where’s Kaidan Alenko?’ and they wouldn’t answer me,” She paused, and pulled her hands from his, scrubbing her hands over her face. “I don’t know that I believe in a Higher Power, certainly not the way Ashley did,” She started again, “but I’m pretty sure I was in heaven.” He sighed, and it sounded sad even to him. She cocked her head at his reaction for a moment, before moving suddenly and lying back down beside him. She stretched out so that her whole self was pressed against his side. He wrapped his arms around her. 

He felt guilty, angry that Cerberus had pulled her from her peace, away from her family. He felt selfish for being happy about her being back here, in this hell. He sighed, and shook on its exhale. She whispered his name, and pulled away from him slightly. She shifted so she was above him, looking down into his face and her hair fell and framed them. “It may have been heaven but it wasn’t my heaven,” she insisted and he felt the confusion playing on his features. She leaned down and kissed him. His hands weaved into her hair. She let herself rest against him, her body radiating heat and warming him, easing his concerns and worries as her lips danced with his. She broke the kiss, and he kept his hands at the base of her head, keeping her close. She pressed her forehead to his, whispering, “How could it be, when you weren’t there?” before pulling away, and resting her head back on his chest with a deep, content, sigh. 

He felt his chest swell with emotion, his head swam with her words, and he wrapped his arms tighter around her, and held her as close to him as he could. “I love you, Sloan,” He whispered against the top of her head, and felt her sigh as she pulled him closer. They drifted off to sleep together, both content in this moment. Even if they didn’t know how long it would last. They had right now.

They had something to fight for.


	62. Chapter 62

“Kaidan,” He heard her whisper his name. He was surrounded by the sweet smell of plum blossoms and he felt her place a kiss beneath his ear. She continued to place gentle kisses along his jaw, whispering his name lightly, but growing louder as she was sure he was waking. She placed a kiss to the corner of his mouth, and when she pulled away, his eyes were open and he smiled. “Good morning,” She whispered as one hand reached out to run through his hair. 

He was disappointed when he noticed she was already dressed, with her hair pulled back and her make up on. “Morning,” He offered her, sleep still clinging to his voice. She sat back on her heels and he felt her watching him as his hands scrubbed over his face. “Did you sleep alright?” He asked as he sat and watched as she moved to the edge of the bed. She let her legs hang off the side, and was pulling on her boots. 

“I slept great,” She replied simply as she tied the laces, and looked at him over her shoulder. “We’re scheduled to arrive at Utukku in about an hour. I need you ready to drop when we land,” Her voice was cooler than Kaidan liked, and he almost scowled at her back. Before she could stand, he reached out and wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her down next to him, enjoying her surprised squeal. “Kaidan,” The annoyance was thick in her tone, as he hovered over her, his arms firmly around her waist. 

“Don’t do that,” He demanded, and she cocked an eyebrow at him. “Don’t bring the Commander in here,” He explained his statement, and she looked away from him. “You need a place to go where you can shut her off, where you can let her go,” He explained, and felt it when she sighed. “You should be able to be just Sloan sometimes,” He reached up and traced his fingers along the side of her face as his eyes followed. He let his fingers trail down the side of her neck. 

“I don’t know how to anymore,” She admitted, and he barely heard her whisper. He gently turned her face back towards his, and lowered his lips to hers. It was a light, short, gentle kiss. She let out a soft breath, and her hands reached up and cupped his face as he pulled away from her. He looked down into her face and saw, maybe for the first time, the depth that change had caused over the last year. She had been completely rebuilt, brought back. Her body was younger than ever, most parts were brand new.

Her eyes, however, held a sadness born of loss and heartache. He sighed and caressed her cheek, placing another gentle kiss, this time, on the tip of her nose. She closed her eyes and ran her hands through his hair. “I’ll help you,” He offered, and she nodded against him. “For starters, in this room, you won’t use Commander voice, and I won’t use Major voice,” He suggested, dropping his head and kissing her cheek. He pulled back and met her eyes. “We’ll leave our armor and our weapons in the cargo bay, and we’ll do our reporting in the lounge.”

She nodded and then frowned slightly as she sighed. He cocked his head at her. “I kind of like your Major voice,” She whispered, tease thick in her tone. He snorted a chuckle as she grinned. Seeing her like this, vulnerable and open, made him feel like he’d won something. He kissed her lightly again, and his heart raced when a soft whimper slipped from the back of her throat. 

He broke the kiss, and buried his face in her neck before moving his lips to her ear, “If you keep making those sounds we’re going to be late,” He warned her, and she chuckled softly. She pushed gently at his chest, and he rolled off her. She sat up, and smoothed her hands over her hair, making sure it was all in place.

“Alright, I’ll see you in the cargo hold in thirty,” She said through a smile as she pushed herself off the bed and crossed the room. Kaidan watched her go. After she crossed the threshold, she stopped and turned and smiled at him as the door closed. He let a deep breath escape through his nose as he laid and watched the stars pass through the window in the ceiling. For a brief moment, he felt the fear constrict his chest. He knew what could happen every time they stepped off the Normandy, every time they went on a mission. There was a chance one of them wouldn’t make it back. 

He knew, without a doubt, he would not survive losing her again. The rational part of his brain told him it would be better to keep his distance, request a transfer to the Fifth Fleet, serve with Hackett, and when it was over, if they survived, to start again then.

That thought made him want to vomit. There was no way he would waste another second of this life not at her side. He wouldn’t spend another night without her in his arms. He wouldn’t wake anywhere but next to her. He scrubbed his hands over his face and forced himself out of her – their – bed. He grabbed his BDUs and showered quickly. After drying and dressing, he slid his amp into its port and enjoyed the hum of energy, and the buzz that raced through his body as the power filled him. He discharged against the sink before leaving their quarters and stepping on the elevator to take him down to the cargo hold.

He stepped off, and went to his armor locker. He caught sight of Shepard huddled with Wrex. James was at the weapons station ensuring their weapons were modded correctly based on weather patterns on the planet and Kaidan’s Rachni reports. Cortez was in the shuttle at the controls, warming her up. He nodded at Garrus, who remained stubbornly silent, as Kaidan pulled the armor from his locker and started dressing. The armor fit perfectly, much better than what he’d worn before. He was glad he had taken the time the night before to work with it. The joints moved easily, and he was not concerned with chafing. 

He was just finishing with the closures when he felt Shepard’s hands at his waist and he couldn’t hold back the grin. He took comfort in the ritual as her hands moved quickly, efficiently, and professionally over the seals of his armor, making sure they were closed tight. She tapped his shoulder guard and he turned towards her. His eyes met hers briefly, “The new armor looks… good,” She offered and he watched as her eyes moved over him. When her eyes reached his again, she was biting her lip, and holding back a girn. He raised an eyebrow at her before signaling for her to turn so he could check her armor. He was grateful for this step they took. It sated some primal instinct deep inside, to make sure she was safe. It was one small thing he could do, and he was happy to do it. He tapped her shoulder when he finished and she stepped away from him without turning and went for her weapons. 

Once they had all their gear, they met at the shuttle. “Alright, let’s get down there, and find out what happened to Wrex’s team. Alenko and I have fought Rachni before. They’re tough little bastards and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t concerned about the possibility of Reaper enhancements,” Her eyes locked on Garrus’s, “When we’re down there, we’re a team first. We have each other’s backs and we make sure we all get back to the shuttle, got it?” It was obvious she was talking to the team, but her focus was on Garrus for a reason.

They all nodded their assent before stepping aboard the shuttle. Wrex gave a little sniffing noise as he stepped passed Kaidan and a low rumbling chuckle escaped after. Kaidan ignored it as they sat in the back. The alarms sounded and the shuttle bay opened allowing Cortez to steer them off the ship and towards the planet’s surface.

“Our backup is waiting for us at the drop point: Aralahk Company. They’re Krogan commandos,” Shepard added as the gravity shifted inside the shuttle. Kaidan braced himself with the bar above his head. 

“My best men,” Wrex added, his gravel voice almost comforting in a nostalgic kind of way, “Made a name for themselves when the liberated a colony from Batarian pirates.”

“Approaching the LZ, Commander,” Cortez announced and Shepard moved to stand behind him. The landing was gentle, and perfectly executed. The door opened and Shepard led them off, signaling for the others to follow. She led them through the assembled Krogan, and Kaidan could hear the leader of the company ordering his team to head out. 

“Grunt?” Shepard called out, recognition and adoration lacing her tone. Garrus’s low chuckle slipped out next to Kaidan, and he chose to ignore it was he watched the scene unfold before him. She quickened her steps, as the Krogan leader pushed others out of the way and approached Shepard at near full speed. 

“Shepard!” He hollered, his voice deeper but smoother than Wrex’s. His eyes we blue and his flesh tone was more gray than red. He wrapped Shepard in a hug and lifted her clear off her feet as Shepard returned the embrace. “Battlemaster!” Grunt shouted again before setting her down. A grin had split Shepard’s face.

“What are you doing here?” She asked as her eyes moved over the young Krogan as Kaidan and Garrus came to stand behind her. Wrex moved further into the area, speaking directly to the Krogan of Aralakh Company, his people. 

“I was just wondering the same about you. I thought you were locked up?” Grunt asked as he turned his head and allowed one blue eye to land on Kaidan. He sniffed, unimpressed. He was clearly assessing the unknown standing behind his Battlemaster and Kaidan felt himself stand straighter, planting his feet and squaring his shoulders. Shepard followed Grunt’s line of sight to Kaidan, and cleared her throat lightly bring the Krogan’s attention back to her. 

“Grunt, this is Major Kaidan Alenko, Spectre,” She introduced Kaidan turning to him, “Major, this is Grunt. He served with me on the SR-2 and helped me take down the Collectors.” Kaidan extended a hand, which Grunt looked at for a cool few seconds before gripping and shaking in greeting. Shepard continued, “To answer your question, yeah, I was locked up but it was more to keep the Batarians away from me than anything else. They didn’t want to raise any issues with the Council that would interfere with the war preparation. Then, the Reapers hit,” She explained, and Kaidan was surprised by the Krogan’s sarcastic chuckle. 

“Yeah, they got bigger problems alright. That’s why I’m out here running Aralakh Company. They’re tough, think they’re invincible; reckless, but effective,” Grunt explained as he gestured to the crew of armored Krogan behind him. 

“Sounds familiar,” She chuckled, and Kaidan felt the chill trace his spine when Grunt’s rolling laughter echoed hers. 

“Grunt, have you seen any sign of Rachni?”’ Wrex asked as he turned his attention back to them.

“No, we haven’t, but you have to agree with me; this place smells wrong. It’s like a festering wound,” Grunt led them towards the center of the area, to a table covered with maps and print outs of scans. “Our research shows the tunnels down there lead to a large central point. If we’re lucky, it’s a nest.”

“Alright,” Shepard said, turning towards her team. “Let’s see what we can find.” Grunt ordered Aralakh Company to move out and Shepard signaled for her team to follow her. They followed Grunt and reached the scout camp ahead. They each started looking for the entrance to the tunnels, searching the prefabricated buildings left behind by the missing team. When they stepped into the third building, Kaidan knew something was off.

Before they could react, the building tipped precariously and hovered on the edge for a few torturous seconds before sliding off, “The whole thing’s coming down!” They heard Grunt shout, and Kaidan watched in horror as they fell, suspended momentarily. Shepard pushed herself off the building and disappeared and Kaidan’s heart sunk only to be jolted once they hit the ground – hard. There hadn’t been time to scream, shout, or really feel fear of the fall, yet Kaidan’s heart was racing as he pushed himself off the ground. 

“Everybody alright?” He heard her voice over the comm, and his anxiety eased instantly as the team replied one at a time that they were fine, if startled. Kaidan moved and helped Garrus stand. Wrex was still up with Aralakh Company, not having been in the building when it fell. 

“Shepard! You in one piece?” Grunt called from above.

“We’re good, Grunt. Keep in radio contact,” She ordered, and Grunt acknowledged. Wrex came over the comm and announced he’d stay with the Krogan team and Shepard gave the signal to move into the tunnels.

They hadn’t gone far before they found the first dead Krogan scout. Kaidan took a knee and checked for a cause or time of death. He relayed the information to Shepard who reached out to Wrex. He’d been dead for a few days. His wounds long festering and giving way to decay. Grunt’s callous reply came first, take his weapon because he won’t need it. With that grim thought, they continued through the tunnels. It was dark, and Kaidan was grateful for the lights on the ends of their weapons as the moved deeper into the planet.

There was a rancid, decrepit odor the permeated the confined space and somehow still tainted the air through his breather mask. It was offensive to say the least, and he was suddenly anxious to be off this planet and in the shower. 

Kaidan felt the the gooseflesh raise over his skin when something scuttled before him, “We have movement,” He spoke quietly, and Shepard ordered them to be ready. Kaidan could feel what Grunt had meant. This place felt wrong. He could feel it on the back of his neck. Like he was being watched and measured, and it was unnerving. 

As they moved from one corridor to the next, they found piles of pods hooked up to odd wiring. Kaidan had seen it before. He stopped, and Shepard signaled for Garrus to wait as Kaidan crouched down and ran a scan on the tech; it confirmed what they already knew, still he spoke the words. “Reaper tech,” He barely recognized his own voice as he spoke, it sounded grim, and disgusted. 

Shepard let out a breath, and signaled for them to keep moving. They reached a sharp drop and hopped down easily. As soon as their feet touched the ground the heard the screech of the Rachni and Kaidan felt his nerves turn to ice, “We’ve got company!” Shepard shouted as the trio dropped to cover. 

“Light ‘em up, Shepard!” Wrex responded, and the trio did just that. It amazed Kaidan, how they fell into old habits. Between his and Shepard’s biotics, his and Garrus’s tech, and their combined combat skills the small pocket of Rachni really had no chance. The fight was over before it had began, and Kaidan felt the rush that came from battle – battle with those who knew you, knew how you fought, and could anticipate your moves to work with you; it was a true team effort, and he realized he had missed this. 

When the fighting stalled, Kaidan scanned the area, “All clear, Commander,” He offered and she gave the signal to move out. 

“Grunt, Wrex, Rachni presence confirmed. Modified, and very dangerous,” She informed them as she led her team deeper into the tunnels. 

“Just like on Tuchanka,” Garrus added, and Shepard nodded, though she didn’t reply.

“Finally! Something to kill!” Grunt’s voice was more excited than concerned, and though he looked full grown, Kaidan wondered momentarily about his age. 

Wrex’s seasoned tone came next over the comm, and Kaidan was glad the experienced Krogan was here as well. He didn’t doubt Grunt’s ability, he was given Command for a reason, but he had to wonder about his enthusiasm. “Nothing here, yet. Lost a Krogan to a sinkhole, bad way to go.”

Shepard let Wrex’s comment go without response, as the eerie feeling thickened over the group. “The Reaper’s really messed this place up,” Garrus’s two-toned voice rumbled over the comm as Kaidan stopped and looked around at the tech filling the space. It was intense, their hold on the tunnels was firm.

“Let’s see if we can find out why,” Shepard said as she continued to lead them to the spot where the tunnels converged. They noticed, as the moved through the tunnels, the number of pods and Reaper tech increased significantly. 

“We must be closing in,” Kaidan offered, “The number of Reaper forces, and the tech here… I think we’re on the right path,” he offered and Shepard gave a soft sound of agreement while Garrus remained stubbornly silent. 

They reached an area where the tunnel widened slightly and branched off in two ways. One way was open and the other was blocked by a large piece of metal which was laced with the telltale glow of Reaper technology. There was a quiet hum in the space and they followed the energy towards a node, a spot where multiple Reaper cables met. The power nearly vibrated against Kaidan’s biotics, and he knew Shepard felt it, too. Garrus moved closer to it, with his omni’tool out and performed a scan. “It’s a locking mechanism,” He answered.

“Well, let’s see what’s behind door number one,” Shepard muttered as she pulled out her pistol. Three quick pops and the energy fizzled out allowing the large Reaper wall to move. Shepard shrugged, and signaled for them to move towards to newly accessible space. 

As they entered the area, Kaidan could sense the rumbling in his feet as he heard the Rachni screaming in the distance. He looked up, and saw small loose stones falling from the ceiling. “Heads up!” He shouted as the stones grew in size as the tremors increased in intensity. His heart leapt into his throat when he noticed the largest of the rocks lost its battle against gravity just above Shepard. He dove into her, the large stone knocking into him, and jarring his spine and scraping down his armor as he pressed her up against the nearest wall and flared. His protective biotics covered them both and allowed the rest of the stones to fall behind them. He looked around for Garrus, and found him to his right pressed against the same wall. He closed his eyes and focused, extending his barrier to take some of the brunt of the force off Garrus, as well. 

After a brief eternity, the rumbling stopped and the sudden silence was deafening. Kaidan released the barrier and stepped away from Shepard who looked up into his face. She sighed, her gratitude didn’t need words, and Kaidan reached up and cupped her helmet, wishing he was touching her skin instead. She turned her head towards Garrus when Kaidan stepped away from her, “You alright, Vakarian?” She asked him, and Kaidan turned and met Garrus’s eyes. 

The Turian nodded and held Kaidan’s stare for a long moment. His mandibles twitched momentarily, and Kaidan heard a soft click before he spoke, “Thanks, Alenko,” Garrus offered, and Kaidan nodded. 

Grunt’s voice filled their comms, sounding appropriately concerned, “What was that noise Shepard? It sounded bad.”

Shepard replied as she kept up their brisk pace, no doubt anxious to get out of the unstable tunnels, “Cave in, everyone’s fine. We’re just going to have to find a different way out of here.”

“Glad you’re all alright. I didn’t want to have to dig you out,” Grunt replied through a chuckle.

“Well, that hurts my feelings, Grunt,” Kaidan could hear the smile in Shepard’s voice. He was a bit surprised by her relationship with this Krogan and tried to remember reading her files from the SR-2. Grunt was the tank-bred Krogan she had woken on the ship. He was surprised they were so close. Grunt gave a non-committal, almost embarrassed response. Shepard chuckled as they climbed over the fallen rocks and continued further into the tunnel. 

The amount of Reaper tech and pods continued to increase, and Kaidan tried not to jump every time something scampered passed him. After a few tense silent moments, Wrex spoke over the comms, “I know what happened to the Scouts.” Shepard didn’t stop moving when she asked what they found. “They got hit hard. The leader ordered them to carry weapons deep into the caves. He knew the next team would need help.” “They died making sure we would make it to the central chamber. It won’t be in vain,” She ordered, and the sadness in her voice might have been missed by anyone else. Anyone who didn’t know her the way Kaidan did. He glanced at Garrus and met the Turian’s eyes. He saw his own concern for Shepard reflected in his cool blue gaze. He amended his thoughts, anyone who didn’t know her the way her friends did. “Let’s keep moving.”


	63. Chapter 63

They had barely moved further into the tunnels when Kaidan heard it. Instantly, the hair on the back of his neck stood and he felt the chill trace his spine as he flared, his barrier sheathing him. On top of the Rachni screeching, he heard the dull, agonized moan of husks and he clenched his jaw to hold back the disgust. Shepard gave the silent order to get to cover and they did. Garrus moved to higher ground and set up with his rifle. They knew there was nothing behind them, and from the sounds coming their way they had certainly upset someone, or something, with their presence. 

The area had widened, and branched off again but there was more Reaper tech blocking the tunnels. Kaidan and Shepard had dropped into a trench in the center of the room, and crouched low. They were up to their knees in murky, thick, stagnant water and the smell somehow found its way through their breather masks. Kaidan bit back the threatening gag. He turned towards Shepard and met her eyes. They were alight with adrenaline and flashed with her biotics. 

They were alerted to the arrival of their adversaries when Garrus’s rifle rang out. His voice rumbled over the comm, “Husks pouring in from the left.” His rifle shot out again. “Half a dozen Cannibals in the mix, Rachni troops from the center tunnel.” Shepard gave the signal, and Kaidan and she stood. Their assault started quickly. The husks moving to Shepard, swarming her but Kaidan had no chance to help as the Rachni started their attack on him. He felt Shepard’s biotics flare seconds before she let loose a scream and the power erupted from her, sending the husks flying.

Kaidan dropped into cover to reload and Shepard joined him a moment later. She locked eyes on his for a briefly before nodding. He watched as she stood, a corona of blue energy racing over her body as she charged, stealing Kaidan’s breath as she went. Garrus’s rifle rang out overhead. Kaidan stood, firing off a few tech attacks before letting loose with this assault rifle and following after Shepard, cleaning up what was left still alive in her wake. 

“Area’s clear, Commander,” He announced as he met her at the opposite side of the space. The path forward was blocked by another Reaper built and powered wall. She nodded at him and climbed out of the trench. He followed as she searched the area for another node. Garrus met up with them moments later. 

“We must be getting close, Shepard,” Wrex’s voice grumbled low over the comm, “Some real heavy fighting. These are tough bastards,” She stopped to listen while Kaidan and Garrus kept their search going for the node, as well as anything left behind by the Krogan scouts. 

Shepard asked about casualties, and cursed under her breath when Grunt answered, “It’s fine. Krogan fight better angry.” She sighed and Kaidan found the node in the corner and called her over.

Shepard looked his way and signaled for him to take out the node. A quick few raps from his rifle and the Reaper wall lowered allowing them forward. As they started to follow the tunnel, there was an increased number of pods. These pods weren’t empty, however. When they ruptured, Rachni swarmers broke out and raced towards them. Small, crab-like beings that would team up and take down shields while the others ate through armor. One or two were easy to take out, but the higher the number the higher the risk. It was harder than they expected to get rid of them. 

Every time a pod broke open and the swarmers creeped out, Kaidan’s skin would crawl. The sound of its feet clicking on the hard ground, and the pod opening with a wet, squishing noise sent shivers racing down Kaidan’s spine and he wanted nothing more than to be out of these tunnels. Shepard groaned as they came across another grouping of pods, “These things are so fuckin nasty,” She muttered as she lit them up with a flamethrower they found among the dead Krogan.

“They’re almost as bad as spiders,” Garrus drawled out quietly. “I thought Rachni needed toxic environments. This air is not toxic,” He stated, as they worked together to take out this patch of swarmers before moving on.

“These aren’t regular Rachni,” Kaidan answered simply, Shepard met his eyes fleetingly as they thought back to Noveria.

“Damn Reapers,” Garrus muttered as they continued. The gauges on Kaidan’s armor alerted him to the drop in the temperature drop in the tunnels. As they moved further from the surface, the air grew cooler, damper, and the darkness grew thicker. They heard shotguns ringing out in the distance and moved double time. They spotted the Krogan across an open space and on a lower level. They were blocked by another Reaper door and were outnumbered by Rachni.

“Shepard! We’re blocked and being overrun!” Wrex shouted when they were in view. 

“Hang on! I’m on it!” She barked back and ran to the nearest node. Kaidan and Garrus trailed after watching her back as their presence caused nearby pods to break open. 

They heard Grunt loud and clear, even without the comms, as he shouted, “I am Krogan!” Shepard destroyed the node and they watched as the nearby door lowered.

The Krogan team entered, and Kaidan saw Shepard’s relief as her shoulders dropped just slightly. The last of the Rachni in the area retreated, and Kaidan holstered his rifle and stretched his neck from side to side. The tension was starting at the base of his head, just near his implant. He ignored it, and the glance Shepard sent his way, as Grunt and Wrex shuffled closer to her. “They’re backing off for now, but they can smell our wounds,” Wrex grumbled. 

“Any worthy enemy would regroup and finish us off, and they wouldn’t wait around to do it,” Grunt added, his eyes moving over the area. Kaidan moved to the destroyed pod and did another scan. The technology was incredible; it was no wonder the Reapers wiped out everything they came across. They were millennia ahead of them. It caused a leaden worry to form in his gut. What hope did they have?

“We’ve got to be close,” Shepard started, directing them towards the tunnel opened when the last node was destroyed. “Those barriers were protecting whatever is down this passage.”

Kaidan stood and his eyes moved followed her direction. It seemed darker than the last, and slightly smaller. He took his assault rifle in hand pulled a few thermal clips from his thigh pocket, reloading easily. Garrus copied as Wrex responded, “We’ll dig in here, kill anything that moves, and buy you some time,” He offered and Shepard nodded placing a hand on his shoulder before turning and lifting her rifle. Kaidan handed her a thermal clip which she accepted with a quick thanks before leading them in to the tunnel. 

More pods meant more swarmers, but thankfully the larger Rachni beasts stayed hidden. The tunnel they were in was slowly narrowing, until it was too small for them to walk through. Shepard dropped down and crawled on her belly; Kaidan and Garrus followed, though, it was a tight fit for Garrus’s hulking form. Kaidan stood and turned to help Garrus back to his feet. The Turian accepted the help without comment, and nodded at him once he was steady. Kaidan turned and stopped in his tracks. They had reached the center chamber, but there wasn’t a nest.

There was a Queen. She nearly filled the room, the largest open space they had come to since entering the tunnels. She seemed larger than Kaidan remembered. 

Reaper tech barriers shot up around them, boxing them in and Shepard let out a string of curses as she shouted for them to find the nodes to take it down. “Wrex! Grunt! We found the central chamber,” Shepard announced over the comm. The Krogan promised to have their backs, and Kaidan felt his heart leap to his throat when he spotted the node near the ceiling of the chamber. With a few well-placed shots from assault rifle, the energy dissipated and the barrier lowered and they were suddenly overrun by husks.

Kaidan nearly growled, as his energy pooled in his core. He took few deep breaths before unleashing it. He hadn’t actually used the new ability, not at full power against a true enemy. He’d been working on it, practicing since he was in the hospital. He was fairly certain with the new amp it would be quite powerful. He wasn’t sure exactly how powerful, however. Without reservation, he let the power lash out, the tendrils reaching for his victim. The nearby husks shrieked as the Reave tore at their feeble nervous systems, weakening them as Shepard fired her rifle through them. He flung out his other hand and another tendril snapped towards the Rachni. The power came easily, as his victims lost he felt restored, as if he was taking their energy and replenishing his own. 

It was a heady sensation, and he had never felt more invigorated on a battle field. He noticed, only briefly, Shepard and Garrus pause to look at him as the Rachni screamed and dropped, writhing on the ground making them easy targets for Garrus and Shepard. In the next second, Kaidan registered the surge in power as Shepard shot forward in a biotic charge. He felt her energy dancing on his skin and his heart raced as his body tingled. In the meantime, Garrus’s sniper rifle rang out, a slow staccato bass line. 

As they fought, they searched out the remaining nodes to remove the final barriers. They needed to get to the Queen to see what exactly she was doing here. Shepard ordered Garrus to search out the nodes while she and Kaidan handled the husks and Rachni. It was comfortable working with her again. The hum of her biotics at his side, the sound of her ragged breathing over the comm, the soft grunts that slipped from her as her fist or the butt of her gun made contact with a husk’s soft skull; when coupled with the adrenaline pumping through his veins and the hum of his own biotics, it was a goddamn aphrodisiac. 

It was over quicker than he had expected, and as Kaidan brought the power back into himself, he felt the buzz of the energy under his skin. Like his limbs had fallen asleep and were slowly waking but instead of being annoying, it was pleasant. He shivered, and when he met up with Shepard and their eyes locked, he noticed the gleam of pride, and astonishment, there. “Something spooked them,” Grunt’s voice over the comm broke into Kaidan’s mind and brought him back to the moment.

“Whatever it was won’t last,” Wrex added, “Finish the job!” 

Shepard took out the last node and the final barrier fell. Once it was down, they were face to face with the Rachni Queen. Kaidan couldn’t be completely sure, but he was fairly certain this was the Queen they had released on Noveria. To their right, a Krogan corpse spoke in broken words, “Si… lence…” Garrus jumped, cursed and turned his sidearm on the dead Krogan. Shepard placed her hand on the top of the gun, and gently eased it down as she stared into the Rachni Queen’s face. She was speaking through the nearby dead. 

It was still creepy.

The Queen continued, “The maddening … sour note has ceased. I am … the last Queen. We listen for the children… they are silent, hollow. The machines come and take them to war. They die alone, silent, far away.” Shepard ignored the dead Krogan bodies speaking and kept her focus on the Queen. Kaidan and Garrus were finding it more difficult to ignore the rising dead. 

“The Reapers did this to you?” Shepard asked, a note of concern in her voice. Kaidan glanced at her, before turning to face one of the open tunnels nearby. He wanted to be sure no one would get the drop on them.  


“I let you go back on Noveria because you promised not to interfere anymore. You were supposed to disappear,” She reminded the Queen, stepping forward and planting her feet. Kaidan couldn’t believe it. She was quite literally staring down a Rachni Queen. Sometimes, he forgets she’s Commander Shepard. In this moment, he was reminded, and he stood a little taller. 

“We remember. We kept our promise, retreated back through the relay. We started a new home. Beautiful children. Harmony, but the machines came. They heard our song! Their shriek of sour notes drowned us out,” The Queen sounded panicked, and Kaidan turned to watch the scene unfolding behind him. 

“They can’t hurt you anymore,” Shepard promised. The Queen stated she understood. “Can you still feel the Reapers; can they influence you?” It was the defining question. Whether or not Shepard believed their answer would decide their fate. 

“We hear the machines, but they cannot control us. Remove this last shackle and we are free!” The Queen turned its head towards the final node before looking back at Shepard. Suddenly, her attention was pulled towards the back of the room, “What? The children return! They will destroy us all! Release us!”

Grunt’s voice entered the equation, reverberating over the comm “We’re getting movement here, a lot of movement…”

“Got it, Grunt,” Shepard acknowledged before turning back to the Queen, “Are you capable of fighting the Reapers?”

“We hate the machines! We will fight for our unborn children! Release us!” The Queen was pleading not only for her life but, once again, for the lives of her children, for the future of her species. Isn’t that what everyone was doing? Garrus spoke up, pointing out that the Queen would need more time than they had to escape the tunnels. Shepard turned and looked at Kaidan. 

Wrex’s voice rang out this time, “Shepard, we’re out of time! We stay here, Aralakh Company dies! Is that clear?” They could hear the Krogan battle in the distance, and over the comm, Grunt’s yell as he charged. Shepard kept her eyes on Kaidan, and all he could think about was their conversation, on the SR1, years ago. How could she condemn a species to death? What right did she have? Wasn’t that what the Reapers were doing? She must have seen something in his eyes. She nodded quickly and turned away from him. 

“Listen! Aralakh Company holds off the Rachni while the Queen escapes!” Her order was firm, and clear, and left no room for argument. She looked to the Queen, “We’ll buy you some time,” She promised before turning her attention back to the comm, “Wrex, Grunt, fall back to our position and lead us out!”

“Damn you, Shepard!” Wrex shouted, and Shepard tensed for a few seconds, “I’m on my way!” Shepard took out the last node, and the Queen nodded at her as she stood and creeped her way towards the exit. Wrex entered the area, eyes blazing. 

“Where’s Grunt?” She asked and Wrex growled. 

“He refused to leave his team!” The Krogan leader responded, and Kaidan noticed the way Shepard’s face fell. It was slight, and quick, and he doubted even Garrus would have noticed it. She simply nodded and gave the silent signal to move out. 

“Grunt!” Shepard shouted over the comm as they ran.

“Battlemaster!”

“You were given an order!” She reminded him, a slight tremble in her voice. 

“I know, but my Battlemas – My Commander taught me better,” He was speaking between growls and grunts as he fought the Rachni. “I can’t leave my team, Shepard! You know that!” They reached the exit and the sun struck them hard in the face. Shepard turned away, back to the tunnels. She peered into the darkness as Cortez landed the shuttle behind them. 

“I know,” She whispered, and it was barely heard over the comm before she pulled off her helmet. 

“It’s my turn…” Grunt replied, almost as quiet and Kaidan watched Shepard’s shoulders fall as the comm shut off. She stood at the mouth of the tunnel, and turned her face up to the blazing sun as she waited as long as she could. After a few long moments, she straightened and turned. Her eyes set, and tight and her mouth a firm, straight line. She took hard, purposeful steps towards the waiting shuttle. 

She glared at Wrex, “How could you leave him?” She shouted as she stepped into the shuttle, pointing a finger to his chest, and Kaidan was surprised by the emotional display. Wrex stood, and towered over her, but Shepard did not back down. 

He glared down at her, his red fire eyes shining, he growled, “He wouldn’t let me stay with him. He said I needed to go to Tuchanka and make babies; that this was his battle and he was—“

They almost missed it as the engines roared to life. Garrus threw open the shuttle door and jumped out just as Cortez was lifting off. The pilot cursed and set the shuttle back down as the rest of the team looked out the open hatch. 

It was Grunt. He was crawling out of the tunnel. Shepard’s face lit up and she jumped off the shuttle and raced to the Krogan’s side. Kaidan followed. He didn’t know much about Krogan physiology but he knew enough that if Grunt wasn’t dying this instant he should be able to stabilize him for the shuttle ride to the Normandy, and Chakwas. Kaidan reached Shepard and Garrus who were pulling the Krogan’s dead weight further away from the mouth of the tunnel. He reached out, and with a flick of his wrist his biotics sheathed the Krogan and lifted him. 

Shepard looked slightly embarrassed, possibly for not thinking of it, as they guided his hulking form towards the shuttle. He looked terrible. Most of his flesh was covered in blood. It was hard to tell how much was his and how much would be Rachni. He noticed the deep gashes in his face, and could smell the burning of the acid from the Rachni. He was a mess, to say the least. 

Once they were back aboard the shuttle, Kaidan set him down on the floor and ran a scan over his form. He had some injuries internally, but Kaidan felt that with time his regenerative systems could repair the damage. He was disoriented, cut, bruised, and even broken in a few places, but Kaidan felt confident saying he would be alright. The relief that washed over Shepard’s face spoke volumes. 

Grunt mumbled something Kaidan couldn’t make out just before closing his eyes. Shepard let out a gentle laugh and fell back against the seat, still on the floor. “What did he say?” Kaidan asked, and Shepard’s eyes were glistening when they met his.

“He asked if I had anything to eat,” She answered, and laughed. Kaidan grinned as Wrex joined in Shepard’s glee, great guffaws rolled from his wide mouth. Garrus chuckled and shook his head as Cortez carried them confidently from the battlefield to the Normandy’s cargo bay.

Chakwas met them in the bay with an extra-large gurney. Kaidan assisted in lifting the Krogan onto the gurney, biotically of course. There was no reason that Shepard or Wrex couldn’t have done it, he just did it first. The second he flared he wished he hadn’t. The fire shot out across the back of his head from his amp port, and he gasped as the migraine came to life in spectacular fashion. He reached out and braced himself on the wall. He could feel Shepard’s eyes on him, and he shook his head slowly. The first waves of pain washed away as she whispered his name. Wrex, Garrus, and Chakwas had Grunt and his gurney at the elevator.

“I’m alright, just a bit overtaxed,” He could see that she didn’t believe him. He nudged her slightly, “Go, I’ll get cleaned up and check in with Chakwas,” He promised as his eyesight blurred. She chewed her lip, but nodded and turned on her heel, rushing to the elevator just as the doors opened. He watched her go before stepping off the shuttle himself and trudging to his armor locker. He stripped slowly, and carefully. Every move was like a fire poker to his amp port. He wondered if it was the Reave, or if he had simply pushed too hard today. He refused to believe it could be anything else. Eventually, he finished and was back dressed, sloppily, in his BDUs. He dropped his weapons off at Vega’s station, even though the marine was not there, and went to the elevator. 

He was grateful for the darkness and cool temperature of the elevator as it lifted him to the Crew Deck. Right now, all he wanted was the sweet bliss of Chakwas’s drug cocktail. He didn’t think anything else would help, except maybe a bullet to the brain, but that was not really an option. The doors opened, and he sniffled. Without thinking he reached up and ran the back of his hand across his nose. His heart dropped to his stomach, then to his feet when he saw the streak of blood across his hand. 

He cursed and rushed off the elevator to the men’s room. The door sighed closed behind him and he grabbed some tissues from the sink. He covered his nose and dove into stall quickly closing the door and falling onto the toilet. He pinched the bridge of his nose and tilted his head slightly. His leg bounced and his eyes filled with tears. The bitter taste of fear assaulted his tongue as his heart raced, which only made his head pound harder. He pinched his eyes closed and colors and lights flashed across his eyes to the rhythm of his throbbing heartbeat. 

He swallowed, and tasted the copper of his nosebleed and he couldn’t move fast enough as his body rejected it and he heaved. The contents of his stomach splashed into the toilet. He could barely breathe as his body revolted. Each heave, each muscle contraction, he was sure would be his last. The pain was too much. He wasn’t sure how much time had gone by, but eventually he was empty. His nose had stopped bleeding. He wiped his nose, and his mouth, and flushed the toilet. He shifted and fell to sit next to the bowl. He closed his eyes and leaned back against the wall. 

He felt oddly disconnected from his body. It was like he simply couldn’t take the pain in his head; it made him feel like he was going crazy. Still, he registered the coolness of the wall he’d leaned back on. He turned his head; his heated skin coming into contact with the chilled surface. His breath hitched in his throat as he fought another bout of nausea. His breathing was shallow and light. He knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, he should get to the med bay, but he had nothing left. He couldn’t open his eyes, let alone lift his arms or stand.

He wasn’t sure how much time had passed. 

“In here!” He heard a voice shout, and he didn’t even have the energy to wince. 

“Fuck, Alenko,” Garrus’s flanging voice muttered and Kaidan felt someone tugging at his arms. He was lifted, and laid down and he knew he was being moved through the ship. 

There was a lot of activity around him. He heard Chakwas’s softly accented voice speaking quickly to Garrus and Shepard, asking if he had been injured. He tried to speak but only a moan slipped from his lips. Warm, soft hands cupped his face and Shepard’s voice was in his ear, “Kaidan, are you injured?” He shook his head. “This is just a migraine?” She asked, the surprise in her voice was not lost on him. He nodded, and it was barely a movement. 

The next thing he knew, he felt the prick of a needle in his arm. The warm rush of narcotics raced through his veins and he felt the bliss of unconsciousness tugging at him. 

A pair of soft lips pressed against his forehead.

A warm, caring hand held his. 

Then, nothing.


	64. Chapter 64

He felt it when her hand slid back into his. The bed gave as she sat next to him. She placed their hands in her lap, and he could feel her watching him. He kept his eyes closed as he assessed his remaining headache. The pain was gone, but there was still tension stemming from his amp port. The relief at the lack of pain was instant, and his eyes opened slowly. The lights were dimmed in the med-bay, and he wondered just how long he had been out. “Hey,” She whispered as she leaned over him, supporting herself on the opposite edge of the mattress. “How are you feeling?” 

“Better,” He croaked, and she pressed the button to raise the head of the bed. “How long was I out?” He watched her eyes trail over his face, and he noticed the dark circles beneath them. She looked exhausted, and he knew in that moment that she hadn’t slept yet. 

“About eight hours,” She answered, and he accused her of not sleeping. She snorted, “No, I haven’t. I had to see Wrex and Grunt off. Then, I dealt with the reports from today and spoke with Hackett about the Rachni.” Her eyes dropped to his hand in hers and he watched as her fingers toyed with his. 

Chakwas appeared over Shepard’s shoulder before Kaidan had a chance to respond. “That was a pretty intense migraine, Kaidan,” The doctor’s softly accented voice rang out as she ran a scan over him. Shepard moved back to one side of the bed to give Chakwas room. The Doctor had question, and doubt, in her green eyes when they landed on him. He stifled a sigh and shifted nervously as the concern danced on Shepard’s face. 

He squeezed Shepard’s fingers gently as he started to respond, “They have been worse since Mars, and I’m still getting used to the new amp,” He offered, and while Shepard seemed to accept his explanation, Chakwas looked unconvinced. She kept her doubting eyes on her omni’tool as she looked over the results.

“Your readings are all normal now,” Chakwas answered, and Kaidan shifted to get up. Chakwas held a hand up. “You’re on light duty for the next twenty-four hours, and the next time we’re on the Citadel you’re going to be checked by Dr. O’Connor,” She ordered, and Kaidan nodded.

“Yes, Ma’am,” He answered and Shepard stood to make room for him to swing his legs off the bed. He reached down for his boots and slid them on. As much as he loathed his migraines, he enjoyed the weightless, energetic relief immediately after one passed. The realization that the pain hadn’t killed him, and that he was pain free once again, always gave him a burst of energy. It was euphoric. He stood and wrapped his hand around Shepard’s. They turned and walked together to the door. 

Dr. Chakwas cleared her throat. Kaidan and Shepard turned to look at her, “Light duty means no strenuous activity,” She clarified without lifting her head, just her eyes raised to the duo. 

“Of course, Dr. Chakwas,” Shepard answered as the door opened and Kaidan led her from the med-bay. He was leading her to the elevator, and she stopped him. “You haven’t eaten, Kaidan,” She reminded him, and tugged on his hand leading him back to the kitchen area. Of course she was right, and he let her guide him to the mess. The area was blissfully deserted, and Kaidan realized just how late it was. “I asked Jeffries to save you your serving from dinner,” She explained as she released his hand and went to the fridge. 

Kaidan pulled a stool out from under the counter and sat. His eyes followed her around the small cooking area. Jeffries was a fair cook; Kaidan was better, and he knew Shepard severely lacked in this area. Yet, she seemed determined to care for him, and that thought made his chest swell with adoration. She wasn’t one for words, for saying what she was thinking or feeling. He learned she was more likely to show you she cared about you, and this was one of those moments. 

Even if all she was doing was warming up a meal someone else had cooked. 

“You seem pretty close with Grunt,” Kaidan commented as she plated the generous helping of dinner. Brown rice, some kind of chopped meat – Kaidan didn’t want to know what it was – and vegetables with a spicy brown sauce. It was edible, better than some meals he’d had since he enlisted, but not great. Still, it was calories and he knew he needed to replenish. 

“Yeah,” She answered as she pulled up a stool and sat across from him. “He’s like a big… puppy,” She chuckled warmly when Kaidan looked up at her. “He was full grown when he was first born. He was fully aware of his size and power, and knew how to use it. Gaining his trust was interesting, to say the least,” She stood, and he watched as she moved to pour him a glass of water before returning to her seat. She leaned forward, resting her chin in one hand as her eyes moved back and forth from his eyes to his mouth as he ate. She licked her lips before elaborating. “He was looking for a clan, for a place to belong. I gave him a spot on my crew, and the promise of worthy enemies,” She explained, and Kaidan nodded. Shepard never had a shortage of enemies, worthy or otherwise.

“After a few months, he started to grow restless, and reckless. His temper was short, he wasn’t sleeping. I found him pacing in the Portside Cargo hold more often than not. I was worried he’d put a hole in the hull. EDI did some research and he was, essentially, going through puberty,” Kaidan snorted and swallowed a mouthful of his water as he watched her. Her eyes seemed bright as she thought back on that time, and he was glad she seemed to have some positive memories from that period in her life. “We went to Tuchanka, and Wrex told us all Krogan go through a Right of Passage, which is exactly what it sounds like,” She paused when Kaidan finished his meal. He glanced over her shoulder to see if there was more in the pan, and she grinned as she stood to dump the rest onto his dish before returning to her seat. 

Kaidan was hungrier than he thought.

“Part of the rite, is to choose a krant, or a second, someone to fight with and to lead. Grunt, being tank bred, already had enemies who didn’t think he should be allowed to take the rite. So, he had limited options. He chose me. Wrex and the Shaman allowed it,” She paused and refilled his water. She didn’t continue right away, not until Kaidan asked what the rite was. “We had to fight waves of adversaries. First was varren, then Rachni. The third, and final wave, was simply to survive fifteen minutes against a Thresher Maw,” She answered, and Kaidan inhaled quickly. A few pieces of rogue rice shot down his throat, and Shepard’s laugh rang out like bells as he coughed, and drank water. 

“On foot?” He asked, his voice cracking in disbelief, and her eyes were bright with good humor.

“Yeah,” There was a nonchalance in her voice, and the corner of Kaidan’s lips lifted in a smirk. “But you know me, I don’t do things halfway,” She responded, and he quirked an eyebrow at her, “We killed it.”

“On foot?” He asked, again. 

“Yeah,” She grinned, “Grunt, Garrus, and I killed it in less than fifteen minutes,” She answered with a nod and Kaidan could see the pride shining in her eyes at the shock he knew was on his face. “After it died, Grunt had to decide whether or not he wanted to stay on Tuchanka, or return to the Normandy with me. He declared me his Battlemaster and stayed with me,” She nodded, and Kaidan swallowed the last of his food. “He’s like this overgrown puppy, he’s so full of energy and strength, and he just needs to be pointed in the right direction. He needs to be led; well, he needed to be lead. I am so proud of him, leading his own company. I’m just glad he made it today,” Her voice had grown soft as she lifted his empty dishes from in front of him and turned towards the sink to wash them quickly. 

He had the feeling she considered Grunt almost an adopted child. She woke him from the tank. She brought him to life and helped him mature and become the Krogan he was. She’d raised him. It would have been devastating for her to lose him today. He felt his chest flutter when he realized she would be a fantastic mother if she was ever given the chance. 

He stood quietly and moved behind her. She jumped slightly as he slid his arms around her waist as she finished washing the dishes. She leaned back into him. He pressed a kiss to the side of her neck and she sighed. Her hands covered his, and their fingers twined together. “You’re pretty amazing, do you realize that?” He asked her softly. 

She unlinked their hands and turned in his embrace. Her eyes locked on his and his breath caught in his throat at the intensity in them, “You were amazing today. I didn’t know you could Reave,” She admitted as her hands slid up his arms and around his neck. 

“I’ve been working on it for awhile. The new amp helped,” He admitted, and watched the flash of concern color her features.

“The amp isn’t what is making the migraines worse, is it?” He closed his eyes and shuddered when she let her fingers trace the amp port and gently massaged his neck. 

“No,” He answered, and he answered honestly. Though, he could still the uncertainty in her eyes. The nosebleeds and migraines had been worse before she had given him the amp. She didn’t look convinced as she chewed her lip. To silence her concerns, he leaned down and pressed a kiss to her lips. She sighed, and he felt her relax as she pressed her body to his. Her hands tangled in his hair as his hands roamed over her back, to her bottom, pulling her against him. A soft whimper left her and he pulled away from the kiss. 

Her eyelids were heavy, her cheeks flushed, and her lips swollen. He disentangled himself from her, as difficult as it was, and took her hand again, leading her to the elevator. There was a quiet energy between them, and it made Kaidan’s heart pound with anticipation. The wait for the car was torture. Yes, the night crew was scarce, but that didn’t mean he could take her in the mess, even though he wanted to. He could feel her pulse in her hand, thrumming with her biotics making his hand and arm tingle. The car doors opened, and Shepard pushed the button for their cabin. 

As soon as the door was closed, he had her pressed up against the wall. Their lips dancing as he teased the whimpers from the back of her throat. She lifted her legs, wanting to be as close to him as possible, and wrapped them around him as he held her firmly in place. His heart was racing as her nails scratched along his scalp and her hips rolled against him. 

The door opened and he carried her towards their cabin. She pulled back as they walked and pulled her top over her head. They undressed quickly, she seemed just as eager as he was to be skin to skin. They tumbled onto the bed, moving back enough to stop their limbs from dangling over the sides. Kaidan covered her, his arms on either side of her head as his mouth left hers and he kissed and teased the tender flesh over her pulse. A soft groan left her as her body undulated beneath his. She pressed her hands to his chest, and with a quick flare, rolled them over, catching Kaidan off guard, he yelped and she giggled. 

She fuckin giggled, and Kaidan groaned at the musical sound. 

Her lips pressed wet, warm kisses along his jaw and down his neck. The velvet feel of her tongue on his pulse point brought a moan from deep in his chest. She continued her exploration, finding all her favorite places with her hands and tongue. She traced the scars she remembered, and the ones she didn’t. She took her time, learning his body again.

By the time she took him into her mouth, he was throbbing with need. He gasped, his head pressed back into the pillows and it took every ounce of his control not to buck his hips. His hands fisted in the sheets and he groaned without a thought for volume. She answered with a moan, and the vibration was almost more than he could take. He reached down, and cupped her face urging her to release him and she did. She slithered up his body, kissing him thoroughly as her legs came to rest on either side of him. 

She pulled back, sitting up and looking down at him as his hands roamed over her thighs and hips. She reached down, found him, and guided him inside. Her head fell back and her body arched as he filled her, letting out a long low groan. Slowly, she rolled her hips and he met her movements as his hands continued caressing her, coaxing the gentle moans he loved from her lips.

As she moved above him, he couldn’t take his eyes off her. She was stunning. She looked like a goddess; her biotics making her body glow with an otherworldly light, her hair floated weightlessly around her. Her eyes were closed, and her lips parted as she braced herself placing her hands on his chest. His name was a broken sigh on her release, and without giving her time to come down, he rolled them over. He kissed her deeply as he took control, moving deep inside her and he felt her tensing again as she continued to chant his name as be brought her up again. 

Her eyes opened, and locked on his before he dropped his lips to her neck. He tasted the salty tang of her skin as she gasped his name, and broke again. Her nails digging into his arms as she mewled into his ear. He followed with a few sure movements and a long low groan as he finished. They were panting, gasping for air as he shifted, rolling to his side and turning his head to look at her. Her eyes were on the stars above them, their light making her sweat slickened skin sparkle. She turned her head to him, meeting his gaze, and she grinned as she rolled closer.

She laid her head on his chest, and sighed. The contentment in the sound made Kaidan’s heart race as she tangled their legs. His arms wrapped around her, and she sighed deeply. He pressed a kiss to her forehead, and his eyes moved to the stars as his hand moved through her long damp hair. He could feel it in her body, when she drifted off.

Her breathing deepened, and evened out. Her body relaxed in a way it couldn’t when she was awake. His favorite part, though, was the steady rhythm of her heart, which he could feel as his fingers danced along her neck. Slow, stable, a sure sign of life. He let it lull him to sleep as he ignored the prickling of guilt at the back of his consciousness.

He didn’t really fall into a deep sleep. He had slept most of the day away in the med bay, even if it was medically assisted. He simply dozed lightly, enjoying the images that flashed before his half awake mind’s eye. So, when he felt the stirrings of his biotics, he was instantly alert. He took in his surroundings. He was in bed, and there was no immediate threat. 

He glanced at Shepard, still tucked under his arm, and noticed the blue sheen of her biotics racing over her bare skin. He pulled back to look see her face. Her lips were pressed into a straight line, and her eyes were pinched shut as she trembled lightly. She was clearly in the middle of a nightmare, and as her biotics reacted to her emotions, they woke his. 

She whimpered, and Kaidan leaned down, “Sloan, wake up.” He spoke firmly, and warmly. Her eyes opened and her body stilled for a long moment. She looked up and met his eyes. He felt like he’d been punched in the chest when he saw the helpless terror clouding her gaze. Seconds later, she started trembling violently in his arms. She buried her face in his chest, and wrapped her arms around him. He wasn’t even sure she was really awake, but he held her. She was murmuring against him, and he couldn’t make out what she was saying. He held her, as close to himself as he could. He pressed kisses to the top of her head as she nearly vibrated against him. 

Eventually, she stilled but was still repeating her plea, “I’m sorry.” Over and over she apologized, but he had no idea what for. He didn’t release her, he dropped his lips to her ear and promised her she was okay. She pulled away from him and met his eyes, his heart broke for her. What had she dreamt? She reached up and cupped his face. She pressed her lips to his briefly, searching for something. He kissed her back and a sob broke from the back of her throat and she dropped her head to his chest again. This time, he could feel the warm, wet tears that escaped her. 

Hours passed, and he wasn’t sure when, but eventually she had cried herself to sleep. He tried to choke down his concern; he was unsuccessful. He didn’t know what he could do. He couldn’t fight away the images in her mind. All he could do was hold her. All he could do was make sure he was here with her when she woke up. That was all he could do. So that was what he did. It didn’t feel like enough.


	65. Chapter 65

When Kaidan woke, Shepard was sitting on the side of the bed, pulling on her boots. He mumbled incoherently, and Shepard turned and graced him with a bright smile. As sleep slipped off him, he remembered the night before, the way she had cried and clung to him. His eyes moved over her face as he sat up. She was smiling, but there was a tension in her eyes that concerned him. He opened his mouth to speak, and she turned away from him and spoke first, wishing him a good morning.

Her reaction to her nightmare, whatever it was, was a sign that she had been bottling things up for far too long. The war was only going to get worse, more people were going to die; they might not win. She needed to have a clear head going into everything and he worried she would be too distracted by what she was hiding. However, he’d learned a long time ago that she would talk when she was ready, and she clearly wasn’t ready to talk about this, not yet. “Traynor requested a meeting with me first thing, so I’m heading down to meet with her. She found something in a transmission she wants to run by me,” She said as she stood and smoothed her shirt down.

“Alright,” He said as he climbed out of bed, pulling on his shorts as he stood. He didn’t miss her eyes trail over his body as he stretched. Her lip was pinched between her teeth. He chuckled warmly and crossed the space between them. He leaned down and kissed her lightly, her hand came to rest on his cheek. He pulled back and kissed her forehead. “I’ll see you in the mess,” He added, and she inhaled quickly. Kaidan had the feeling she wanted to argue, but he raised his eye brows at her, and she let the breath out without comment and nodded. 

“You need a shave,” Was her response as her fingers danced over the stubble on his cheek. She let her hand fall to her side, and stepped back from him. 

“Yes, Ma’am,” He answered, and she smiled as she turned on her heel, and left. He watched her go, and forced the concern away from the front of his mind as he focused on getting ready for the day. Once he had showered, and shaved, he stood in front of the mirror and looked down to the amp in his hands. The guilt he’d ignored the day before came roaring to life as he looked at the offensive piece of equipment. He hadn’t had such mixed emotions about his biotics since he joined the Alliance. With a heavy sigh, he slid it into its port. As the power surged through his body, he couldn’t stop the gasp and accompanying shudder. It was pleasant, and he decided he didn’t care about the nosebleeds and migraines. He was powerful, formidable. He could keep her safe. He clenched his jaw and discharged against the sink before turning and moving through the ship to the mess. 

It was early, and the ship was slowly waking up. Kaidan nodded at a few of the crew he passed as he went to the counter for his breakfast. He filled two trays, one for himself and one for Shepard. He was almost surprised by how empty the mess was, but then he realized Shepard would have gotten up before the rest of the ship to start her rounds. He was able to find an empty table with a view of the elevator. This way, he could make sure she stopped to eat. He had noticed when he was still at Huerta how thin she seemed, and now that he’d seen all of her, he knew he was right. She had enough weight to her to stop the bones of her spine and ribs from protruding, barely. He was making it his personal mission to make sure she stayed healthy. Between her meals and her nightmares, he had his hands full.

He watched as two of Adams’s engineers, Ken Donnelly and Gabby Daniels, entered the mess. They had worked with Shepard and Cerberus, and had been incarcerated while Shepard was. She used her Spectre authority to have them released, and from what Adams said, it was good she did. They were familiar with the ship, and EDI, and worked extremely well together. Their quick, familiar banter was lighthearted and warm. They filled their trays and sat at a table near his. They smiled at him, briefly, before turning their attention back to their conversation as he continued to watch. He couldn’t hear everything they were saying; he was fairly certain they were talking about EDI, and not about her intelligence.

Kaidan had to chuckle as Ken drawled on about EDI’s new body and its curves and padding. He had to admit, if the body hadn’t tried to kill him, he would be able to see the appeal. The pair were sitting close, and leaning towards each other. It seemed to Kaidan, like maybe they didn’t even realize they were. He had this strange sense of voyeurism as he observed them. He noticed the way they easily shared their food, stealing bits from each others trays and laughing. They couldn’t take their eyes off each other, and they were completely unaware of their audience. 

Ken, however, continued going on about how sexy EDI is, and even turned his comments to Traynor. As he watched them, Kaidan couldn’t help but smile. He watched as Gabby grew frustrated with Ken’s comments. Her tone sharpened and her words were clipped as she put some space between them. He watched the heat rise from her collar as he sipped his coffee. He watched when Ken stood to clear their table as he continued to chuckle. Gabby’s eyes followed him across the mess as she stood and waited for him. She chewed on her lip trying, and failing, to hide the smile that was playing there. Kaidan chuckled softly at how familiar the scene was.

Gabby was in love. Ken was oblivious. 

Ken joined Gabby back at the table and they walked side by side to the elevator. As they rounded the corner, Shepard walked passed them. She greeted them with a nod, and Kaidan’s face split into a grin when he saw her. He couldn’t help it. Her eyes met his from across the mess, and he gestured to the tray of food he had filled for her. Her eyes moved to the forward battery, where Garrus was, before moving back to him at the table. For a moment he thought he would have to press the issue of breakfast, and he was thankful when she walked over on her own. He saw the gratitude in her eyes as she reached him. She sat, and her hand went immediately to his leg, which she squeezed affectionately. After seeing Ken and Gabby, and watching their interaction, he was so grateful to be where he was with Sloan: together and, despite everything, happy. He had been Gabby; being Gabby sucked. 

He covered her hand with his for just a brief second and she smiled before pulling her hand back and tucking into her meal. He watched her out of the corner of his eye as she ate. She inhaled her food, barely taking the time to taste it. Granted, there wasn’t much to miss out on when it came to their rations. He let a deep breath escape through his nose, and she paused at the sound, her eyes darting up to his, “What?” She asked, wiping her mouth and taking a long drink of her coffee.

“Nothing,” He answered, not wanting to broach his concerns right now, “What did Traynor have?” She kept her eyes on him for a moment. It was clear in her stare that she didn’t believe it was nothing, but she let it go.

“We’re heading to Grissom Academy,” She answered as she finished her food. “I’ll have all the details at the briefing,” She explained pushing away from the table. “Speaking of which,” She opened her omni’tool and notified the crew to meet in the war room. Kaidan stood and cleared the table. He smiled when he turned and found her watching him as she waited. They fell into step together and he wanted to take her hand in his as they walked to the elevator, but he knew he couldn’t. The fact that he was staying in her cabin with her was not a secret. They weren’t hiding anything, but they did have to maintain a level of professionalism while they were on duty. It was one thing he knew they agreed on without having to talk about it. 

They stepped onto the elevator, and the door closed locking them inside and away from prying eyes. She let out a sigh, and her head fell to rest on his shoulder. He felt it again, that happiness bubbling in his chest. It was so out of place on the warship, in the middle of a war, but there was nothing he could do to stop it. He turned his head and pressed his lips to her hair. She lifted her head and met his eyes. There was so much of what he was feeling reflected in her gaze, it surprised him. The doors opened, breaking their moment as the coolness of the Commander washed over her features and they strode purposefully off the elevator. 

Traynor and EDI followed them through the security check and into the war room. Shepard and Kaidan stood shoulder to shoulder at the head of the table as the rest of the crew followed. Liara breezed in and stood in a corner of the room, her concentration solely on her omni’tool. Her brow was furrowed and her eyes intense as they flew over the information before her. Kaidan wondered briefly what had her so concerned. 

James and Garrus rounded out the group, entering last and staying near the door. Shepard cleared her throat, and started, “Specialist Traynor came across something that needs our immediate attention.” She gestured to Traynor who seemed a bit uncomfortable as she started speaking.

“I found something while scanning Alliance channels,” She paused, her eyes moving quickly around the room. They paused on Shepard, who gestured for her to continue. “Grissom Academy is requesting help. The Reaper invasion front will hit them soon.”

“Isn’t that that school for biotics?” James interrupted, crossing his arms over his chest. “Why is it still open?”

“Well, Grissom Academy is more than a school for biotics. It is home to some of the smartest students humanity has to offer, but yes, their Ascension Project is known for helping gifted young biotics,” Traynor explained and James nodded. Traynor’s eyes flicked back to Shepard and bounced between the Commander and Kaidan. Kaidan swallowed hard. “If it had been open twenty years ago, I bet the Commander and the Major would have been there,” She offered. Kaidan allowed himself a brief moment to wonder what that would have been like. A school for gifted human biotics, run with dignity and respect. He wondered what it would have been like to meet Shepard in another circumstance, if they would have been as drawn to each other as they had been. If they would have ended up together. Her eyes met his briefly and he wondered if she was thinking the same thing. 

“I agree with Vega,” Shepard interrupted, breaking Kaidan’s train of thought. “I’m surprised it’s still open. I would have expected the families of the students to want them home.”

“Some of their work has Alliance support,” Kaidan offered as thoughts of his missing students flooded his mind. “Most of my biotic recruits were graduates. If they felt like they could help, that’s most likely why they stayed.” Shepard nodded and gestured for Traynor to continue.

“A Turian evac transport responded to their distress call, so, normally I’d say we don’t need to do anything, but something sounded off in the Turian’s signal. So, on Major Alenko’s suggestion, I asked EDI to perform an analysis,” She paused, and EDI picked up where she left off.

“It’s fake,” EDI explained, turning towards Shepard, “It is very similar to the signal The Illusive Man used to lure you to the Collector Ship.” There was question in Traynor and James’s eyes. Shepard’s gaze flicked to Garrus, whose mandibles twitched. 

“Long story,” She brushed off their question, and Kaidan was glad he had read her reports. At least he wasn’t in the dark on this. 

“In any event, whoever faked the signal wants us to think Grissom Academy is being evacuated, but I believe they are still in danger,” Traynor finished, sounding confident and sure as her eyes moved to Shepard.   
“Nice work, Traynor,” Shepard offered her, and the young woman’s cheeks flushed at her praise.

“If this really is Cerberus, hopefully this operation is worth investigating. It could be simple disinformation….” Traynor’s lack of experience on a warship forced doubt into her words, and Shepard clicked her tongue lightly.

“Traynor,” Shepard spoke her name firmly, and the Specialist stopped speaking, “Good catch.” She smiled brightly, and dropped her eyes to her hands. “Joker, what is our ETA?” She asked the pilot over the comm.

“Approximate arrival time is two hours,” He answered simply. 

“Alright, Garrus and Alenko you’re with me on this one. If it is Cerberus, I can guarantee they’ll have lots of tech, including engineers, turrets, and Atlases. Not to mention we’re heading to a biotic school. I have to assume Cerberus will deploy their biotic soldiers,” She explained. “Vega, prep the weapons. Liara, see what information you can get for me on the school: staffing, students, and layout, whatever you can find.” She opened the comm, “Cortez,” She reached out to the shuttle pilot.

“Make sure the shuttle is ready to get us to Grissom Academy; ETA two hours,” She ordered and the pilot accepted the order. “Dismissed,” She offered and the room slowly emptied. “Alenko, stay back a minute,” She said, and Kaidan watched as the room emptied. Her tone was firm, and Kaidan knew this was Commander Shepard and not Sloan who was addressing him. Once they were alone, he turned towards her.

“Commander?” He responded, showing her he understood who was with him at the moment. He could see the appreciation of his acknowledgment in her eyes. 

“Make sure you have the all clear from the Doc before we head out,” Her words were formal, and nothing less than would be expected, but he knew they came from a place of caring.

“Of course, Commander,” He added, and she nodded before leading him from the room. They split ways at the CIC. She went to the Galaxy Map and he went to the elevator to head down to the med-bay. It was the last thing he wanted to do. He had to admit, he was worried she would keep him on restricted duty which meant he would have to stay behind. He didn’t want to. 

He strode confidently to the med-bay, and Chakwas turned her perceptive gaze to him as soon as he entered. “I was expecting you,” She said as she stood and gestured to the nearest cot. His cot. She met him there.

“Well, how could I get through a day without visiting my favorite Doctor?” He asked, laying on the charm, flashing a grin as she reached him. He leaned over and bumped her with his shoulder, she let out a delicate snort.

Dr. Chakwas rolled her eyes as she opened her omni’tool. “You really are too handsome for your own good, do you know that?” She asked him as she waved the ‘tool over his body. He couldn’t stop the color from tinting his cheeks at her words. When she lifted her eyes to his face, she laughed good-naturedly. She reached out and cupped his face, her hands slid to the back of his neck, her fingers were firm and appraising as they probed. She let her comment, and his blush, go as she focused on his exam. “Any residual pain this morning? Tension?” She asked, pulling back to look at his face. 

“No, Ma’am,” He answered, as she leaned back and tilted his face up so she could look into his eyes. 

“I’m assuming you slept well last night?” She asked him, and again, his cheeks flushed. It was the equivalent of his mother asking how a date went when he stumbled in the next morning dressed in the clothes he had gone out in the night before. It was why he always made sure to get home before his mother was awake. Unfortunately, he had a ship mother, too, and she was just as aware. “Well, that can help a person relax, as well.” She said, and Kaidan burned to the tips of his ears. She released his face and opened her ‘tool again, ignoring his response to her words. “You’re cleared for duty. I want to see you immediately after the mission today, before you take off your gear, before your shower, before anything … you’re in here. Am I clear?” She asked, looking up at him through her lashes.

“Crystal clear, Ma’am,” He answered, glad she was allowing him to go. She nodded and Kaidan hopped off the cot. “Thank you.” She nodded and went back to her desk as Kaidan left the med-bay. 

Kaidan went immediately to the cargo bay. He knew Shepard ordered Vega to take care of the weapons but he wanted to look through the available modifications himself. There had only been one person he trusted to mod his weapons without his supervision, and she died on Virmire. He met James at his station, and bit back the disappointment when he noticed his pistol and rifle out on his counter. He reminded himself James was just following orders. 

Kaidan picked up his sidearm, and felt Vega’s eyes on him as he appraised the Lieutenant’s work. He was … impressed. The weapon was lighter than he had it, and when he lifted it to check the sight, it was easy to focus on a target across the bay. He nodded. “Nice work,” He offered as he set down the pistol and eyed his rifle. 

“Check out the Avenger,” Vega nodded towards the gun and Kaidan lifted it. James didn’t lift his eyes as Kaidan examined his weapon, but Kaidan knew he was watching him from the corner of his eye. “I extended the barrel for accuracy, and upgraded the scope,” He said as Kaidan let himself feel it, moving it from hand to hand before lifting it as he had the pistol. It hadn’t gained weight, but he could tell it would be much more powerful. He nodded, glancing quickly at Vega before setting the rifle down. He could see the pride in the smirk on James face, even if the Lieutenant kept his eyes down.

Kaidan didn’t say anything, he lifted Shepard’s shotgun and started to work on it, ensuring it was clean and ready for their mission. “So, I was thinking, when we get back from Grissom, after shift tonight, we’d get a workout in,” Kaidan offered, and almost laughed at the way Vega’s eyes lit up.

“Yes, Sir,” Vega agreed, “If you’re not too tired, that is,” He teased and Kaidan laughed loudly, cocking an eyebrow at the younger man. 

“We’ll see who needs a nap when we’re done,” He answered as the elevator doors opened and Shepard walked off and to her locker. Kaidan glanced at his ‘tool and realized it was time to suit up. “Duty calls,” He said as he stood. 

“Godspeed, Major,” Vega offered, and Kaidan nodded his thanks as he met Shepard at their lockers. Due to the threat of a Cerberus presence, it had been decided they would leave the Normandy at a distance from the station, and Cortez would take them in on the shuttle. This way, the Normandy could be kept out of an unnecessary confrontation. 

“I’m glad Chakwas cleared you,” Shepard said as she snapped on her greaves. Kaidan nodded as he pulled on his underarmor. “Though, her message said I should know better than to keep my recuperating soldiers up after lights out,” She added through a smirk, and Kaidan laughed out loud. His eyes met Shepard’s and he loved the smile on her face. He wanted to lean over and kiss her, but he settled for checking her armor when she offered him her back. Once he was sure she was secure, he finished with his own gear as she went and picked up her weapons from Vega’s station. He watched as she met Garrus and Cortez at the shuttle. 

Kaidan grabbed his weapons from Vega, who nodded at him as he stowed them. He reached the shuttle and turned his back to Shepard whose hands moved easily over his armor, checking the closures. “I can’t tell you how glad I am you’re here, Cortez,” Garrus’s two-toned voice rang out as they stepped on to the shuttle. Cortez moved to the controls, as he asked why. “I’m just glad we have an actual shuttle,” Garrus answered, his eyes moving to Kaidan, and then to Shepard before moving back to Kaidan. His mandibles twitched wildly and his eyes had a mischievous gleam in them.

“I’m surprised you don’t miss the Mako,” Shepard accused, her voice teasing as she joined them. 

“I will admit, I do miss how simple her systems were. Calibrating her was much easier, and took a lot less time than the Normandy’s weapons,” He paused and met Kaidan’s eyes before continuing, “Still, I’m glad for the shuttle. Right, Alenko?”

Kaidan chuckled lightly, waiting for Shepard to catch up. “Absolutely, I prefer taking a shuttle for a mission than a Mako any day.” It was clear when she did, the realization was plain in the way her jaw dropped and her arms folded over her chest. 

“Especially if Shepard is driving,” Garrus added, and Shepard spluttered as Kaidan and Garrus laughed, together. She looked like she was going to argue about it, but there was a moment when her features softened and warmed as she watched them laughing at her expense. Kaidan had to admit, he was surprised but grateful for the moment of camaraderie. 

“I’m a great driver,” Shepard finally insisted as she settled into the seat between them and secured herself. Kaidan and Garrus shared a look, both grinning in their own ways, as Cortez eased them out of the Normandy and towards the station.


	66. Chapter 66

“Commander,” Joker’s voice rang out from the control panel before Cortez. The tension in his tone killed the light banter between the Kaidan, Shepard, and Garrus as the cool façade of Commander Shepard washed over her features. She stood, her eyes glued to the back of Cortez’s head as she walked to stand behind him, bracing herself on the back of his seat. 

“Joker.”

“We’re picking up a transmission from the station,” The pilot announced, and Shepard ordered him to patch it through to the shuttle, but keep his line open.

“This is Grissom Academy, requesting assistance. We are under attack by Cerberus troops. Goddamn it, please let there be an Alliance ship in range,” The last sentence was barely picked up, spoken as a whispered prayer. What caught Kaidan’s attention, however, was Shepard’s reaction to the voice.

She reached over Cortez’s shoulder and turned on the outgoing comm, “Kahlee?” 

Silence answered her, and Kaidan could sense her tension from across the shuttle. He glanced at Garrus quickly and was relieved the Turian seemed just as confused. “Sloan? Is that you?” The trembling voice on the other end replied. 

“Yeah, it is. What’s going on?” Shepard asked, slipping back into her role of rescuer and Kaidan shifted. This woman knew Shepard, that was clear, but she knew her as Sloan. She knew her personally, and Kaidan didn’t know who she was. 

“I’m the Director here and Cerberus is after my students!” She responded, fire in her tone. 

“Alright. We’re approaching in a shuttle, but we’re blocked,” Shepard explained and discussed other options. It was decided that Joker would use the Normandy as a decoy, to pull some of the Cerberus cruisers away from the station and allow Cortez to get the shuttle to an auxiliary bay. 

With the plan in place, Kahlee Sanders’ voice softened, “Sloan, David said you were back with the Alliance and I’ve been following your missions through the news reports. Are you alright? Really?” 

“Yeah,” she answered, glancing over her shoulder at Kaidan. “I’m good. We’ll talk more once I’m inside.” Kahlee Sanders agreed and the comm cut off. Shepard spoke quietly to Cortez before walking over to her spot between Kaidan and Garrus. She sat, secured herself, and they waited. He could feel the nerves and fear rolling off her. He reached over, and took her hand from her lap and held it. He wished they didn’t have gloves on, but her eyes met his and she forced a small smile. 

The Normandy swooped in above them, her cannon taking out two of the Cerberus shuttles before racing off. Thankfully, they reacted the way Shepard expected, and a majority of the other shuttles chased after the frigate. “Shepard,” Garrus’ voice trilled, and Shepard turned her head to him. “You know this woman?”

“I have known Kahlee for many years,” she answered, and her tone said that was all she would say on the subject. Garrus met Kaidan’s eyes briefly before Kaidan turned away and stared towards the cockpit. She had spoken these words before, similar words anyway, when he and Ashley had asked her about Anderson. He let it go, wondering briefly why she didn’t say more. Cortez was able to bring the shuttle into the dock without interference. “Head out and be ready to circle around when I call for extraction.” He answered in the affirmative as Shepard, Garrus, and Kaidan stepped off the shuttle. 

With hand signals, she ordered them to have their weapons ready and move forward silently. She took point. Kahlee’s voice rang through their helmet comms. “Sloan, I’m locked in a server room around the corner from your entrance point. Cerberus troops are trying to break in,” she sounded anxious when she spoke, but not scared. Kaidan had to wonder if that was because she knew Commander Shepard was on her way. 

A set of doors opened before them, showing a handful of troopers trying to break through the door’s defenses. It was over before it started. Kaidan flared and sent two of the troopers flying backwards while Shepard charged into them with her full power, breaking their bones on impact. Garrus rounded out the effort with a few well placed shots from his rifle as Shepard turned her attention to the door. It opened, and she easily removed her helmet as she stepped across the threshold towards the woman inside. Kaidan and Garrus followed suit, removing their helmets and securing them to their hips. They entered the room just in time to see the women embrace. 

Kaidan and Garrus exchanged quick glances as they stepped further into the room. Shepard pulled back first, and Kahlee’s hands went to her face. The older woman brushed her hands over Shepard’s features as her eyes followed. “I knew you were back, that you were okay, but it was hard to believe until right now,” Kahlee’s voice trembled as her eyes filled with tears.

Kaidan could sympathize with the woman.

“I’m back. I’m okay,” Shepard answered with a nod; her own voice shook with emotion even Kaidan rarely heard. Shepard pulled back and gestured to Kaidan and Garrus. Kaidan’s eyes went to Kahlee and he wondered where he had seen her before. She was just about as tall as Shepard, but she had rare blonde hair, fair skin, and bright green eyes that showed she had seen a lot in her years. She looked familiar, but Kaidan couldn’t place her. He and Garrus stepped forward. 

“Kahlee, this is Garrus Vakarian, and,” Shepard started the introductions, but Kahlee interrupted her when her eyes landed on Kaidan.

She gasped lightly, and her eyes were bright with mirth as she exclaimed, “The Lieutenant!”

Kaidan cleared his throat and his eyes bounced from Kahlee to Sloan, “Uh, Major, actually, Major Kaidan Alenko, Ma’am,” he introduced himself, holding out his hand which she shook. Kaidan was surprised by the color in Sloan’s cheeks as she looked away from him. 

“Right, right, of course, now you’re a Major, but when I saw Sloan last, you were a still a Lieutenant and her Head of Marine Detail.” Kaidan was oddly uncomfortable as this woman’s eyes moved over him, clearly appraising him. “I will admit she was absolutely right about your eyes, and your voice,” Kahlee gushed, and the red in Shepard’s cheeks deepened when Garrus chuckled.

Kaidan knew he was grinning as he stared at Shepard, who refused to meet his eyes, “Is that right?” he asked, his voice shaking with barely suppressed laughter. She had talked about him? It was then he remembered where he’d seen Kahlee before - in the pictures on the walls of Anderson’s apartment. This was the woman he’d seen with Anderson. The pieces all fell into place. If Anderson was like her older brother, this was the equivalent of an older brother’s girlfriend or even an older sister. Kahlee Sanders is family.

“Yeah, don’t we have students to save?” Shepard asked, her voice cool but the self-conscious smile still tugged at her lips even as Kahlee sobered at the mention of her students.

“You’re right,” Kahlee answered turning her attention to her omni-tool. “We can catch up once we’re off the station.” Kaidan moved to stand over Shepard’s shoulder as they looked to the info on her ‘tool. There were less than twenty students left on the station, mostly tech and biotic specialists training for military applications of their skills. There were two staff members left, as well, Kahlee and one of their biotic teachers. 

“Alright, I’ll gather them and we’ll meet back here. My shuttle pilot will be able to pick us up once we’re ready,” Shepard dictated, and Kaidan couldn’t help but see the pride shining in Kahlee’s eyes. The older woman gripped Shepard’s hand briefly, and Shepard gave her a genuine smile before nodding her head in an order to move towards the door. They fell into a practiced step, Shepard at point with Garrus and Kaidan on her flanks.

It felt comfortable, and when they came across the first batch of Cerberus troopers, they took them out with an efficiency Kaidan had missed in the last years. Minimal effort with maximum results. They came upon one of the biotic students, and Kaidan was instantly impressed with his barrier. It held off the Cerberus attacks, and kept him safe while Shepard and he took out the troopers. Once the way was clear, Shepard ordered him back to Kahlee’s location.

He retreated and Shepard watched him until he rounded the corner. She turned to proceed and Kaidan and Garrus followed. As they made their way towards Orion Hall, where the students were holed up with their instructor, announcements were playing from Cerberus. They were insisting that the Alliance could not help them, and that they would be safer with Cerberus. “Ms. Sanders,” Kaidan reached out to her over the comm. She replied quickly, asking how she could help. “Can you get control of the overhead announcements back?” 

“I’ll see what I can do,” she answered as they continued down the long, eerily empty hallways. They reached an empty classroom and Kaidan stalled as he looked at the data pads left out. This is what his training could have, should have, looked like. At least they learned, and future biotics wouldn’t have to suffer through what he and his friends at BAaT had suffered through. If there was a future. He lifted his eyes from the data pad and found Shepard watching him. He wondered if she knew where his thoughts were. She gave him a gentle, encouraging smile and he knew she did.

“Heads up,” Garrus warned, breaking the silence and the trio dropped into cover behind the nearest desks as a swarm of Cerberus Troopers entered the room and opened fire. Engineers set turrets, and but not before Kaidan and Garrus could overload, and sabotage them. Shepard Lifted the troopers and turned her rifle on them as they floated above her. It was over shortly after it started. An exploding turret the final sound before Kaidan ran a scan.

“Area’s clear, Commander,” he announced and Shepard gave the hand signal for them to move out. As they walked through seemingly endless corridors, Kaidan couldn’t help but wonder just how big the station was. After walking a few paces, the announcements cut off overhead and were replaced with silence. 

“I don’t know how long that will keep them out of the system, but it should hold up for at least a while,” Kahlee’s voice declared confidently. “I’ve been monitoring your position,” she informed them, “Orion hall is just through those doors.”

“Thanks, Kahlee,” Shepard answered as the doors opened before them. They continued into the open space, and Kaidan’s eyes were instantly drawn to the woman in the center of the room. She was thin, small even, covered in tattoos, and wearing little. She was beautiful, and intimidating, as she sheathed herself in blue and Threw multiple troopers backwards. “Jack?” Shepard called out once the immediate threat was clear. 

“Shepard?!” The woman responded, turning to look at her rescuers. There was no time to respond as a Cerberus Atlas thundered into the room. The large mech, operated by a Cerberus trooper, towered over them and was equipped with a cannon that could do serious damage. It turned its weapons on Jack’s students and she cursed and dove in front of them. The power she emanated with her barrier tingled against Kaidan’s regardless of the distance between them. Calling her powerful was an understatement. The Atlas’s attempt ricocheted off her barriers and she demanded that Shepard and her team keep it off them. She gave one signal, and the trio turned their attention on the monstrous machine in the center of the room.

Kaidan relied on his tech attacks, allowing Garrus to use his concussive rounds on the weak spots while Shepard blasted it with her shotgun. His omni’tool was warm to the touch as he continued to overload its shield and sabotage its weapons. Eventually, it started to tremble, “Get down!” Shepard ordered seconds before it exploded, raining pieces of tech down through the room. When the dust settled, her voice was calm over the comm. “Everyone good?”

They answered in the affirmative as they stood, and turned towards Jack and her students. “When Kahlee said she was sending out the distress call, I should have known it would be you who answered. Can’t pass on the chance to play hero, can you, Shepard?” Jack’s voice was pleasantly husky as she called to Shepard from the balcony where her students were staying safely out of range. 

“If I don’t pull your ass out of the fire, Jack, who would?” Shepard answered, grinning at what was clearly a friend. Jack laughed, loud and from her center before she turned to her students. She ordered them to refuel, and critiqued their barriers and efforts during their skirmish. Her style was harsh, but not violent, and there was caring at the base of it all. 

She threw herself over the balcony, using her biotics to help break her fall – something Kaidan had yet to master. She crossed the space between them in three quick steps. She was still sheathed in her biotic energy when her fist connected with Shepard’s face. Shepard stumbled slightly from the force of it, and without a second thought, Kaidan flicked his wrist, coated Jack in his power, and Lifted. 

She thrashed like a cat in a burlap bag, struggling to break Kaidan’s hold on her, as her students looked on in stunned silence. Kaidan turned his eyes from his captive to Shepard to make sure she was alright. She was already standing straight again, her hands on her hips, eyes on Jack, and a beautiful smile on her face. Jack was floating, helpless, just above their heads. Shepard’s rich, full laugh echoed off the walls as the students started whispering amongst themselves. Even Garrus laughed, his rolling undertones light and pleasant. With every second that Jack was trapped, her anger intensified and her curse words grew more colorful as she flailed uselessly against Kaidan’s hold. 

“Alright, down boy,” Shepard teased good-naturedly. Kaidan nodded and started to lower her to the ground as Jack continued to fight against him and curse at Shepard. It couldn’t be helping the situation that Jack’s students were witnessing this. Jack let a particularly vulgar string of curses fly.

“She’s as charming as ever,” Garrus’s humor laced voice rumbled from behind them. His mandibles twitched as he took in the sight. 

“Fuck you, Vakarian!” Jack bellowed, her anger and embarrassment evident in the way she raged against Kaidan’s power. 

“On second thought, maybe we should just leave her up there,” Shepard mumbled, and Kaidan chuckled. She turned her grin to him as Jack screamed her name again. 

Kaidan let her drop gracelessly to the floor and though she looked like she wanted to charge, she didn’t. She scrubbed her hands over her face and stood, her eyes moving in a calculated path over Kaidan. “Where’d you find the guard dog?” She asked, her tone dripped with disdain for the biotic who had showed her up in front of her cackling students. Jack paid them no mind, her eyes were locked on Kaidan, and he would be lying if he said it wasn’t unnerving. 

“Spectre Kaidan Alenko,” he introduced himself, as his eyes moved over her. If she could look him over like a specimen on display, so could he. She didn’t seem bothered by it; she was gorgeous, and she knew it. Her confidence rolled off her, and Kaidan imagined it would catch anyone’s attention.

“Alenko....” He could tell she was trying to place him in her memory, and was unsure where she would know him from. Her eyes widened in realization, and Kaidan watched as Jack’s large, emotive hot chocolate eyes moved between him and Shepard. When she looked back to him, some of the anger had slipped from her gaze and she glanced up at her students quickly before speaking again. “From Biotics Spec Ops, whatever, bullshit,” Jack said stepping closer to him. Her eyes moved over him again, this time she was looking at him as an equal instead of an attacker. 

“That’s right. I’ve recruited from here, are your kids alright?” Kaidan asked as he glanced up to the group of teenagers who had already seen too much in their short lives, and had no idea what was really out there.

“For now,” Jack answered. “You took Kelly, Smith, Reed, Thomas, and Watkins from me. How are they?” She asked, and Kaidan was slightly surprised by the concern in her voice. She clearly cared for her students, and Kaidan wished he had better news for her. 

“They’re on Earth. I haven’t heard from them, but that doesn’t mean worst case scenario,” he answered and Jack nodded. It was that thought which got him through his doubts, but he could tell Jack knew, just like he did, that it was simply a platitude until their worst thoughts were confirmed. He needed to make more of an effort to find them. Shepard stepped up to them, and Kaidan glanced at her before his eyes darted to Garrus who took up a watch position at the door. 

“We need to get moving; we can catch up once we’re back on the Normandy. Are your kids ready to move?” Shepard asked, grabbing her rifle from her back. 

“Ready as they’ll ever be,” Jack answered simply. “I fuckin hate this. I hate Cerberus. If I’m ever in the same room as that stupid mother fucker, I will rip him apart with my bare hands and I’ll smile while I do it.” Kaidan could feel her anger in her biotics. She felt different than any other biotic he’d experienced. She was strong, stronger than him and possibly even Shepard. If it wasn’t for his own control, he’d never been able to hold her in the Lift. She would have broken out of it, but her power was erratic and obviously fueled by her emotions. Still, she was impressive, and it seemed as if working with the students was a good fit for her. She would learn from them, as they learned from her. “Alright, get ready to move!” She yelled to her kids as she ascended the stairs to them. 

Shepard turned back to Kaidan and opened the comm to talk to Kahlee. Kahlee directed them to grant her access to the video surveillance, which allowed her to lead them through the station in the quickest way possible. Though, the quickest way was still overrun by Cerberus troopers. She turned to Jack and announced her plan. “I want you up there with the students. Follow our path from the upper level. I want your focus on your own defense. I’m not going to lie to you, they’re here for you. They want to leave with you alive, because they want to make you tools.” Kaidan watched as the students reacted to the news. They were clearly proud of themselves, that the great Commander Shepard was being honest with them, and letting them in on the plan. It was also obvious that they were scared, which was good. “They want you to be weapons. They want to warp your minds and take over control of everything you are. We’re not going to let that happen, but you are your best protectors right now. Work together, stay with Jack, and we’ll get you out of here. Am I clear?” She asked. 

There was a mixed response, and Kaidan smirked as some students said yes, others yes, ma’am, and there were a few aye, aye’s thrown in. Shepard turned towards him and Garrus and gave the signal to move out. The way they had come was blocked, and Kahlee was already on her way to the opposite end to meet at the new extraction point. Cerberus had other things in mind. 

It seemed to take hours, to move room to room and each room they entered seemed to have more troopers than the last. Kaidan found himself distracted, more than once, by the power that was stemming from the upper level. His eyes flicked to the students and Jack. If only to make sure their barrier was still up, but he needn’t be worried. These kids were talented, powerful, and with a few more years he felt sure he’d have more than a handful of recruits. 

They didn’t have a few more years.

By the time they reached the final room, the kids were exhausted. Kaidan could tell as their barrier wavered with each attack. “Keep them off us!” Jack’s voice bellowed from above. Kaidan’s omni’tool was overheating from use against the onslaught of engineers and turrets. His amp buzzed pleasantly at the base of his skull as he Threw or Lifted the oncoming troopers making them easy targets for Garrus to snipe them. There were a handful of troopers left when Shepard gave the signal to move to the next room. 

Kaidan felt the rush of power as the students released their barrier and ran through the doors. Cerberus instantly turned their weapons on the defenseless students. It was a race: outrun the ammo. Thankfully, Cortez was waiting with Kahlee and a handful of students who had made it to her without joining the fight. Jack and Shepard fell back to the doors and waited for the last of the students to pass through into the safety of the bay. Once on the shuttle, and the headcount complete, Shepard ordered Cortez to leave. Her voice was loud, and strong. Some of the students flinched. Cortez eased them out of the station and towards the Normandy. 

The silence was deafening and the air was thick with anticipation. The adrenaline was still racing through Kaidan’s veins and he knew the students would feel the same. 

There was a gasp behind Kaidan and he turned and watched as Rodriguez, one of the students, slid from her seat and landed hard on the floor. Blood bloomed on her abdomen and Kaidan cursed. Jack dove towards her, but Shepard and Garrus were too fast and grabbed her arms. They held her back even though she fought to get to her fallen student. “He’s our medic. Give him room,” Shepard whispered as Kaidan dropped to his knees next to Rodriguez. 

He ignored the gasps, and rumblings of the soldiers – no, students, no, kids – the kids around him as he removed his gloves and placed a hand over the wound to stop the bleeding. He used his free hand to tilt her head towards him so he could get her to focus on him. “You’re okay. You’re going to be okay,” He spoke the words, not sure if they were true, but her fear would make it worse. “You,” He said, looking up and meeting the eyes of the young man in front of him. The boy was pale, but paying attention. “What’s your name, soldier?” He asked.

“Prangley,” He choked out, and Kaidan reached out and took Prangley’s shaking hands. Kaidan tugged and Prangley slid onto his knees opposite Kaidan. Kaidan watched his face as he pressed Prangley’s hands to the wound, giving him something to do. 

“Keep the pressure on,” Kaidan ordered, and Prangley nodded. Kaidan sat back on his heels and opened his omni’tool. It was still warm from battle, but the back up power kicked on when he opened the medic program and ran the scan over her. “The bullet is still inside,” He announced, “Thankfully, it’s a regular round. Anything else, and, well,” Kaidan didn’t finish the thought. He reached beneath the seat and pulled out a bag. Inside was an IV, oxygen, medigel, and bandages. Kaidan pushed the gel aside and started the IV. He could feel the eyes on him like pinpricks on the back of his neck. He ignored it and focused on the task at hand as he hooked up the oxygen and covered her face with the mask.

“Let Chakwas know we’re coming in with a GSW to the abdomen,” Kaidan asked before he realized Garrus was already on the comm with the doctor. Kaidan applied a pressure wrap to her abdomen. He didn’t want to close the wound, not yet, which is why he bypassed the medigel. Chakwas would just have to open it again once she was in the med bay. Prangley sat back, his hands red with her blood and his face gray. “Good work, son,” Kaidan complimented as he monitored her vitals as Cortez eased them into the Normandy’s bay. Prangley smiled and some of the color returned to his face as Kaidan grabbed two towels from beneath the seat and passed one to Prangley to wipe their hands.

The shuttle doors opened and they were greeted by Chakwas and James. Kahlee and Prangley lifted Rodriguez onto the cot and followed Chakwas to the elevator. Garrus was the first off the shuttle, he motioned for the students to follow. James and he gave a brief overview of the layout of the ship and the places that were off limits. Kaidan sighed as the adrenaline left him. He lifted his head and found Shepard and Jack watching him. 

Jack looked grateful, which, Kaidan guessed, was not common. 

“I am so turned on right now,” Shepard’s voice was low, and Kaidan couldn’t help the chuckle as Jack pushed herself away from Shepard and stepped off the shuttle muttering something neither could make out. Shepard extended a hand to him, which he accepted. She pulled him to his feet. “Is she going to be okay?”

“From what I could see, yeah, but I couldn’t tell if the bullet had hit any internal organs. If it had, there would have been more blood, but we can’t be sure until Chakwas looks around. The Doc will know more soon,” He answered, and Shepard nodded. 

“Go get cleaned up,” She said, glancing down at his blood stained armor. He nodded and she turned and stepped off the shuttle moving to Jack and the students. He watched her for a moment. He watched as the kids turned their eyes to the Great Commander Shepard. Just her presence seemed to calm them. Kaidan recognized that feeling. 

He also recognized the prickling in his throat, and the faint taste of copper in his mouth.


	67. Chapter 67

Kaidan entered the med bay about an hour after they had returned from Grissom. He was grateful there was no migraine, though, the nosebleed had taken a bit longer to stop than previous. He forced the thoughts from his mind as Dr. Chakwas turned and glared at him. “I gave you strict instructions, Major Alenko,” she reminded him, her curt, British tone one of the more intimidating voices on the ship.

“You had your hands full, and I was fine.” It was only a half lie. Kaidan glanced at the young girl still sleeping near the back of the med bay. The doctor followed his line of sight and a sigh slipped from her lips. “How is she?”

“She’ll make a full recovery,” Dr. Chakwas gestured to the cot nearest them and Kaidan walked ahead of her as she continued. “Your field assessment was correct. The bullet had not struck any internal organs. The biggest concern was blood loss which you managed to stem quite nicely,” she complimented him as he sat and she opened her omni’tool. She ran a scan over him, and he felt the nerves acutely in his chest. When he came in for these checks, he always thought today would be the day she would find out there was something wrong, and make him sit out. He hadn’t realized he was holding his breath until she gave the all clear. 

“These scans seem unnecessary,” he tried to sway her, but she just cocked an eyebrow at him as she cupped his face and ran her hands back to his implant site, checking for inflammation he assumed. Her response was that she expected to see him after every mission until she said otherwise. “Yes, ma’am,” he decided not to argue and stood again. As Kaidan left, he felt her eyes on his back. He knew that she knew he was keeping something from her. He wondered how long he would be able to. 

He hadn’t seen Shepard since they had returned to the ship. A quick check of the time told him she would be up in the cockpit plotting their course with Joker and EDI. He nodded at the crew he passed as he made his way to the Starboard Observation lounge. He wanted to get his reports done before dinner. That and he had promised a certain Lieutenant a spar that evening, and he had the feeling the idea of an audience would only make Vega more determined for the fight. He was grateful that the lounge was empty, though, as he sat, he wondered just where the kids were. 

It was his rumbling stomach that alerted him to the passing time. He clicked send on his report and stood, stretching. He moved back through the lounge and to the mess. He found the children had taken over a few of the tables, and he smiled as he watched them chatting with different members of the crew. It was easy to spot their circles. Daniels and Donnelly were huddled at one table with a couple of the kids. Their conversation revolved around the Normandy and her systems, what was public knowledge anyway. There were another few who were seated with James and Garrus, and the pair were clearly boasting about their history on the Normandy and before. Kaidan chuckled lightly. 

However, a majority of the students were sitting near Commander Shepard who was sharing a table with Jack and Kahlee. He met her eyes, and she offered him a smile. He filled his tray and went to join her. He set his tray down and sat next to her. His hand dropped to her thigh with a squeeze in greeting as he nodded to Jack and Kahlee. “What did Chakwas say? Anything?” She asked him, concern lacing her tone and he wished she would stop worrying. 

“She says I’m fine, but she still wants to see me after every mission,” He rolled his eyes and Shepard nodded.

“What’s the matter? Pretty boy can’t hack it?” Jack’s voice was smug as she leaned back on two of the chair legs and took a long drink.

“He’s an L2,” Kahlee answered before Kaidan could respond, his eyebrow shot up as Jack dropped her chair back to rest on all four legs. Kaidan glanced at Shepard who looked just as surprised.

“Well, fuck,” Jack said and Kaidan couldn’t place the tone in her voice. It was somewhere between surprise and awe, and it made him oddly uncomfortable.

“Did you look me up or could you tell?” Kaidan asked Kahlee as he started his meal.

Kahlee smiled at Shepard as she finished off her plate. “I wish I could say I could just tell, but no. I did look you up back when you were serving with Sloan on the SR-1,” she admitted. It was strange for Kaidan, to hear someone call her Sloan so openly. “Even if I hadn’t known, I would have looked you up after today. You’re control is amazing. I’ve never seen anyone best Jack.”

“He didn’t best me,” Jack argued, as she frowned. “He caught me off guard.”

“It wasn’t easy to hold you,” Kaidan admitted, and watched as Jack’s frown diminished. She was still embarrassed by the event, Kaidan knew that, but he had to give credit where credit is due. “If I hadn’t surprised you, I probably wouldn’t have been able to do it.” 

“Damn straight you wouldn’t have been able to,” She took the comment and ran with it, boosting her ego back where she liked it. Kaidan smirked and resumed his meal. “Hey,” she started again, and Kaidan looked up and met her eyes. “Thanks for taking care of Rodriguez. Doc says she’s going to be fine, thanks to you.” Kaidan simply nodded his acknowledgment. 

“I was impressed with Prangley,” Shepard added. “Not only during the fight at Grissom, but on the shuttle, too. Having your hands shoved into a classmate and being told to stop her from bleeding out is not an everyday occurrence; he kept his head on and didn’t vomit. He might want to consider medic training,” Shepard suggested. “It would only make him a more valuable recruit.”

“Prangley is one of the more diligent students. He wants to do good,” Kahlee answered simply. “Reminds me of someone.” Shepard smiled and dropped her eyes.

Jack seemed oblivious, “He’s alright. They’re all alright. None of them are really ready for the front lines, not yet. I worry about what would happen to them if they were put out front.” Jack admitted, and Kaidan, even though he barely knew her, had the feeling this was hard for her to do.

“Have you told them that?” Kahlee asked simply.

“Fuck no!” Jack shouted, and a few of the tables looked at her. She stayed silent until conversation picked up again. Kaidan finished his meal as he waited for her to continue. “They need to know I believe in them, or they’ll lose confidence,” She stalled and sighed. “I know Alenko knows what I mean; that’s why they haven’t been recruited. They’re green. They’re strong, and they will be great. Fuck, I’m teaching them; they’re going to be amazing, but they’re not there, yet.”

Kaidan wiped his mouth with a napkin and leaned back on his chair. He crossed his leg, ankle to knee and stretched an arm out behind Shepard, resting it on the back of her chair. “So, back line assignments, barriers and shields,” Kaidan offered, and Jack nodded. 

“Yeah, anything else and I think it would shake them, and they would be ineffective, or get themselves fuckin killed,” she answered and Shepard grinned.

“Jack, you were paying attention,” Shepard’s eyes were shining and Jack rolled her eyes and couldn’t hold back the grin.

“Yeah, I guess some of your leader bullshit rubbed off on me,” Jack paused and looked around the room at the groupings of kids huddled together. Kaidan didn’t know her whole story, but he had a feeling it rivaled his own. “Most of these kids have lost contact with their families since the Reapers hit. All they have left is each other, and me. What kind of monster would I be if I sent them in to a battle I know they’re not ready for?”

“So, support roles it is,” Shepard nodded, she placed a hand briefly on Kaidan’s leg and he moved his arm from behind her. She pushed back her chair and stood with her tray. “I’m going to see if I can reach Hackett and let him know. Doc says we’ll be able to transport Rodriguez tomorrow. I’ll be scheduling a pick up with the Fifth Fleet, and Hackett will be able to get you were you’re needed,” Shepard explained. “I’ll see you all later tonight,” She said and left the table. Kaidan watched the awe struck stares following her and chuckled softly. 

Jack’s ‘tool lit up with a message. “Rodriguez is up,” was all she said as she stood and left the table for the med-bay, her empty tray abandoned behind her. Kahlee chuckled and combined their trash, turning her eyes to Kaidan. He shifted uncomfortably under her stare, and lifted his drink to his lips. 

“She’s tired, and stressed,” Kahlee spoke softly, and Kaidan cleared his throat, dropping his eyes to his hands on the table. He knew they weren’t talking about Jack. This was the moment any significant other dreaded until it was over, hearing the family’s opinion of you. “But she seems happy,” Kaidan’s eyes lifted to hers, and he could see the concern there, the love she has for Sloan – the woman – and he hoped she saw the same in him. “And if this really is the end of days, well, that’s all David and I would want for her.” 

“I love her,” Kaidan answered simply and met Kahlee’s eyes when he said it.

She smiled, “I know.” He nodded, and his ‘tool pinged interrupting them. He cursed quietly and looked to the message he received. He grinned when he read it, “What?” Kahlee asked, swept up in his obvious excitement as he rushed to clear their table.

“Come with me,” He answered as he pulled out her chair. She stood and followed him to the elevator, which was open and waiting for them when they got there. He was bouncing on the balls of his feet and when the doors opened to the CIC he took her hand and led her to the right. They passed through security and moved quickly through the war room. They found Shepard in the comm room, before the QEC. She turned and greeted them with a smile when they entered.

“Admiral,” Kaidan greeted the hologram before Shepard as Kahlee stepped into the room.

“Kahlee,” They heard the man sigh her name in relief when she entered. 

“David! You’re okay,” Kahlee’s voice broke as she moved up to the controls, as if moving closer to the hologram would close any of the physical distance between them. Kaidan and Sloan stepped backwards. Kaidan took her hand, and she threaded their fingers together. He stepped backwards and gave her hand a tug. She seemed startled when she turned to look at him. He nodded his head over his shoulder. She chewed her lip and glanced back at David and Kahlee before she let him lead her from the room. The couple deserved a moment of true privacy.

He dropped her hand, and his hand burned at the lack of her touch, as they moved through security. He knew why they had to keep up the professionalism, but they didn’t mean he had to like it. He wanted to hold her hand and offer her some kind of comfort. Anderson had looked tired, and battle worn. He knew she hated that he was on Earth, truly fighting, and she was out here playing politician. He wanted to give her that support he new she needed, but he also knew he had to wait. 

Once they were on the elevator and the doors closed, he reached out and tried to take her hand again. Almost instantly, she turned into him and sighed deeply. Her hands fisted in the sides of his shirt and he wrapped his arms around her. He pressed his cheek to the top of her head and held her. He reached out with one hand and pressed the call button for their quarters. As the elevator started its ascent, he held her tight. It was all he could do to show her she wasn’t alone in this. 

When the elevator reached their floor, the doors opened, and she looked up into his face. She stood on her toes and kissed him lightly. “You really were amazing today,” she said as she pulled away and led him off the elevator and into their room. He thanked her. “Kahlee’s going to be spending the night down with the kids, but I invited her up here later today for drinks. I hope you don’t mind,” She informed him, and of course he didn’t, but as he looked around he noticed their room needed some attention. The bed was made, and it wasn’t dirty, but there was a certain lack of organization since Kaidan had moved his things in. 

They worked together over the next hour, organizing and straightening things. Combining drawers and documents, setting their amp gear on their appropriate bedside tables. When they finished, they sat on the couch and looked around their room. Kaidan couldn’t help the smile that split his face as he stretched his arm along the back. Shepard turned and rested her back against his side. He wrapped his arm around her chest, and felt her sigh. 

This moment was what he was fighting for. A future that would allow him to be able to come home at the end of the day, to be able to wrap this woman in his arms and hold on to her, this moment is what he fought for. He felt her chuckle, and it pulled him from his thoughts. He dropped a kiss to the top of her head and asked what was so funny. “I stopped in to see Javik earlier,” She announced. She seemed to have an interesting relationship with their resident Prothean. 

“What did he have to say?” Kaidan inquired as she reached up and took his hand in hers. She toyed with his fingers as she spoke.

“He asked if we were joined,” She answered, and he could hear the smile in her voice. He chuckled softly. He asked how she responded, “I said, ‘you could say that,’ then he said, ‘I’m not; your pheromones are.’” He chuckled at her impression of the alien’s voice, but he said nothing else. Something made her bring this up, and he wanted to see where she took it. He could tell there was more she wanted to say. 

She inhaled to continue, but EDI’s disembodied voice broke the moment, “Sorry to interrupt, Shepard, but Lt. Vega is requesting Kaidan meet him in the cargo bay for their dance.”

Kaidan let out an annoyed sigh and thanked the AI, “You agreed to spar with him?” Shepard asked as she turned to look at him. 

“I did, but I told him he had to wear full armor,” Kaidan replied as he scrubbed his hands over his face. She looked concerned, “Sloan, I won’t hurt him. I’ll be careful,” He promised and she nodded. He stood and she followed. He turned and looked at her, question in his eyes.

“I wouldn’t miss this for anything,” She said, before standing on her toes and kissing him quickly and soundly on the lips. They went to the elevator, and Shepard turned to Kaidan. She did look concerned, and Kaidan sighed lightly, taking her hand in his. “This makes me nervous.” Her admission was sweet, and Kaidan kissed her gently. 

“It will be fine, I promise,” he answered and she nodded, releasing his hand as the elevator door opened on the cargo bay. They stepped out and Shepard moved to stand with Jack and Cortez. Garrus was with Liara on the opposite side of the space and the students from Grissom filled in the middle areas creating a circle around James. Kaidan couldn’t help the chuckle. He was glad the Lieutenant had listened and wore his armor. 

“Hey, Major, you’re not wearing any gear?” Cortez called out, and Kaidan shook his head.

“He won’t get close enough to me for me to need it,” Kaidan answered, and James turned to him. Kaidan had to give the man credit. He was intimidating. His was substantially bulky without the gear, when you added heavy armor to him, he seemed to double in size. Kaidan stretched his neck from side and moved towards James.

“We’ll see about that, Viejo,” James said through a chuckle. Kaidan wasn’t sure what James had called him; he’d spoken in Spanish and Kaidan’s translator didn’t pick it up. Though, from the sound of Shepard’s loud, throaty laugh coupled with Cortez’s rolling chuckle, and the smirk on James’ face, it wasn’t positive. Kaidan shook it off and waited for James to go on the offensive. The kids around them were chatting, watching. Kaidan could tell they were trying to come up with their strategies. 

This would be good for James and the kids; that fact made Kaidan feel even better about his decision. 

He raised his fists, as did James, though Kaidan also flared. The cerulean wisps of his power raced over his body, and for a moment, James looked intimidated. They continued to circle each other, waiting. James moved first, coming forward with a quick jab, Kaidan avoided it easily and tested a Throw against the armored man. James knew something about defending against biotics. While Kaidan was able to move him back a couple feet, it wasn’t as far as he expected for the power he’d put behind the attack. James turned to Kaidan smirking, clearly thinking that was all Kaidan had. 

Kaidan gave nothing away as they continued to move around, light on their feet. James rushed Kaidan again, coming in quickly, and instead of stepping aside, he put him in a stasis, stopping him in his tracks. Kaidan grinned and moved closer to James. The energy field around him was strong, but Kaidan had to admit, it was costing him more than he expected. James was formidable. He knew what he was doing, and he had every reason to brag. “What’s the matter, Vega?” He could feel James trying to break out of it. Kaidan stopped in front of him. “There’s a weak spot. Can you find it?” Kaidan asked, and James eyes moved and met Kaidan’s. The younger man squinted. “Find it, and break out of it. You can,” Kaidan promised as he stepped away. He could feel James working against his stasis. 

He waited while James pushed at different spots within the stasis. Some of the kids were cheering him on, others were cheering for Kaidan. He was concentrating on the stasis, he knew the moment James found the spot. Seconds later, James broke out of the stasis and stumbled forward a few steps. “Nice job, Lieutenant!” Kaidan said, and James turned to him nodding his thanks as he rocked on his heels. It continued on like this, with Kaidan giving James tips to avoid Throws and Lifts. The kids gave both James and Kaidan the appropriate responses, clapping and cheering whenever James broke free, or laughing when Kaidan caught James unawares. James was a quick study, but Kaidan could sense him tiring out. It was more than physical. It was mental, and that is what James had been missing this whole time. 

Kaidan had to admit, he was feeling the heat and tension at the back of his head and knew they’d have to stop soon. It had been nearly an hour, but Kaidan couldn’t stop first, not in front of Shepard. James was breathing heavy, and Kaidan took the opportunity to goad him. “What’s the matter, Lieutenant? Tired?” He asked as they continued to move in circles. 

“Hell no, Viejo, I’m just getting warmed up!” He replied, and Kaidan sensed the bravado in the younger man’s words. James moved forward, and Kaidan side stepped him easily, throwing him gently but sending him sprawling on his back. 

Kaidan was standing in front of Cortez and Shepard. He turned to them, “What’s Viejo?” Shepard and Cortez exchanged glances, grinning, and Kaidan waited.

“Old Man,” Shepard responded after a long moment, and Kaidan’s jaw dropped slightly. 

“Old man, huh?” Kaidan said through a laugh as she turned to watch James stand. “Alright, Son. Let’s go.” Kaidan responded, and James chuckled lightly and moved closer to Kaidan. Kaidan held his ground and let James throw a few punches within striking distance. He blocked them easily. He didn’t need the armor. He simply increased his barrier at the areas James would make contact. When Kaidan went on the offensive, he covered his fist in biotic power to counteract the armor James was wearing. James stepped back with each of Kaidan’s attacks. 

It went back and forth, for another few minutes. The kids went crazy shouting and screaming their support for one or the other. They seemed glad to finally see some real sparring. The room light up in different intensities of blue as Kaidan continued to flare. He heard the growl when James threw a punch. He didn’t have time for the Barrier trick, so he put him in a Stasis. It was different this time. He was simply trying to power through it, and he was quite effective. Kaidan was impressed. He could feel the power behind the punch as he focused on holding the stasis. 

He tasted it before he felt it. Copper. It was all the distraction James needed. Kaidan’s Stasis faltered and James broke through, his fist connecting with Kaidan’s face. “Enough!” Shepard bellowed, and utter silence fell on the room as Kaidan stumbled, his hand going to his face as tears instantly sprung to his eyes. James removed his helmet and turned.

“Oh shit, Major, I-”

Kaidan stood straight and waved him off. “It’s fine,” he insisted, Jack ordered the kids to get upstairs and stay out of the way. She, Garrus, and Liara followed the kids into the elevator. Kaidan knew how it looked, it looked like James hit him and drew blood. That wasn’t accurate. His nose was bleeding before the strike hit.

“This is exactly why I said no, Vega!” Shepard reprimanded as she moved in front of Kaidan. She pulled his hands from his face, and he glared down at her. She ignored his stare. Cortez was at their side moments later with a towel and ice. 

“I said, it’s fine,” Kaidan snapped, taking the towel and turning away from them. “It’s just a little blood.” He covered his nose with the towel and turned back to James, “I’m impressed, Vega. You did very well.”

“You weren’t at full power, were you?”

“No,” Kaidan admitted. 

“Well, shit, we need to do this again,” James said, ignoring the look Shepard was giving him. 

“We’ll talk about it,” Kaidan said as Shepard pushed passed them and went to the elevator. The trio watched her go. Her arms were crossed over her chest as she waited for the elevator without looking at them.

“Lola’s pissed,” James sighed, and Kaidan nodded sighing deeply. He knew she was upset. He knew she hated the idea that sparring, practice, would end up injuring part of their team. It’s why she preferred you work out with equipment, punching bags and the like. There was no way to practice against a biotic. “You sure you’re good?” James asked, bringing him out of his thoughts. 

“Yeah, but I still have to talk to Shepard,” He replied, as the elevator doors opened and allowed her to enter. His nose had stopped bleeding. There was still some tension at the base of his skull, but it wasn’t from the spar. He sighed and tossed the towel at Vega. 

“Good luck, Viejo,” James called out, grinning. Kaidan chuckled softly; he had a feeling he was going to need it.


	68. Chapter 68

Kaidan stepped on the elevator and reached for the call button for his and Shepard's quarters. He knew she was upset, but he didn't understand why. Soldiers sparred, shit, they'd sparred before and ended up with cuts or bruises and this was no different. He couldn't understand why she would be so upset over one score and a bloody nose.

He knew he was kidding himself by thinking she wouldn't care about the reason for his bloody nose, but that was a different matter.

He reached their quarters and entered. She had changed into a pair of sweatpants and her N7 hoodie. Her hair was down, and braided over one shoulder. She didn't look at him when he entered. She kept her spot on the couch, her eyes scanning the screen of her 'tool. He leaned against the fish tank and crossed his arms over his chest as he watched her for a moment. She stayed silent.

"Sloan," He sighed her name and pushed away from the tank. He moved to face her. She turned her eyes up to him without closing her tool. "What's the problem?" His question was sincere, and non-accusatory.  


She scoffed at him, her lips pressed in to a thin line and her eyes narrow. "We're supposed to be working together, and you're making decisions that affect the entire mission without speaking with me first." Her voice was low, and angry, and Kaidan braced himself for an argument.

"How does working out with James affect the mission? Outside of ensuring he's prepared to face an enemy with biotics," Kaidan asked, simply. He kept his tone neutral and didn't raise his voice.

"I'm not upset that you used your biotics on him. I think it was a great exercise and I know he learned a lot, as did the kids from Grissom. I'm upset that he hit you! I'm upset that he hit you hard enough to bleed and you don't care!" She snapped, her voice raising as her eyes lit up with her anger.

It was his turn to sneer, "I'm not made of glass, Shepard!" He shot out his answer. "One hit to the face isn't going to break me!" She stood, her hands balled into fists at her sides as she moved closer to him. Her eyes were locked on his, as if she was trying to see into him. He swallowed hard.

"Tell me you're not that fuckin stupid," She demanded as her eyes moved between his. He waited for her to continue. She threw her head back and released a mirthless chuckle. "I need to know that my…," she paused and dropped her head, placing her hands on her hips. She took a slow, deep breath before she continued. "We need to know that our crew, our team, our people are in their best shape when we go ground side…."

"James will be better now than he was before!" Kaidan interrupted her, his eyes wide with his own frustration, his hands shot out to the side as he spoke quickly, and loudly.

"Goddamn it! This isn't about James!" She snapped back, yelling now, louder than he was. He waited, and he knew she could see the confusion on his face. "What part of a rattled implant, a fractured skull, and brain swelling makes you think it's a good idea for you to take unnecessary hits to the head?" She crossed her arms over her chest. Her hip cocked as she rested her weight on her back leg.

He felt the shame trickle over him and he sighed. He reached up and rubbed the back of his neck. He should have known this is where her anger was coming from. "You're right, obviously, I didn't think about it."  


She opened her mouth, and then let out a breath as confusion won out on her features, "Wait, what?" She asked, surprise in her tone. Clearly, she hadn't expected him to agree with her. He chuckled softly as he stepped closer to her; he took her hand as he continued towards the couch. He sat and she followed, sitting with one leg tucked beneath her.

"I said, you're right. I'll be more careful," he promised and she nodded as she allowed herself to lean to the side and rest against the back of the couch.

Her voice was quiet when she spoke, and the lonely tone made his chest ache. "There is no one else, Kaidan. There is no one to pick up the mantle if we fail. If we fail, it's over. We have to make sure we do everything we can, and that means going into every mission in the best shape we can. That means not taking unnecessary risks and making sure we take care of ourselves." She reached over and took his hand, their fingers zipped together instantly, and Kaidan nearly choked on the guilt that crept through him.

He swallowed thickly, and squeezed her hand. She had been fighting this battle longer than he had. It struck him then, how much must be on her mind all of the time. Sure, he was here, with her, and they were fighting, but she had already grasped the finality of their fight. It was something that made Kaidan's stomach churn, and his chest constrict. He didn't want to think about the big picture. He didn't want to consider what would happen if they lost. He couldn't think about a world without her in it. "That means no more skipping meals," he challenged her and knew his words struck home when her face flushed and she chewed her lip. She nodded, but said nothing. Kaidan continued. "I still think I should keep working with James and the biotics," Kaidan insisted, and Shepard lifted her head and met his eyes. "We just won't throw punches. He got better at getting out and avoiding the holds in just the hour today."

She let out a breath through her nose, and her eyes narrowed as she considered him. After a few moment's hesitation, she agreed with a simple, "Alright, but don't expect me to watch next time." Kaidan smiled and leaned forward; she met him in a kiss. He felt her hand on his face, her fingers skimming along the stubble on his jaw as he moved closer to her. His lips parted. He allowed her to deepen their kiss as he placed his hands next to her to brace himself as they shifted. She laid back as her hand slid across his shoulders, making him shudder as she passed his amp port, and hooked her elbow around his neck. He settled in the cradle of her hips as his arms slid behind her and held her close to him - their kiss never breaking.

He was a junkie; addicted to her, one kiss like the first hit of red sand sending him reeling and leaving him needing more.

She broke their kiss and he gasped as her lips moved to his neck, her teeth scraping lightly against the skin as he pressed his hips into hers. She whimpered softly. One of his hands moved to her hip and rear, grasping and palming the firm skin. A soft moan slipped from her as his tongue ran up her neck. She trembled beneath him and his mind spun as their bodies moved together. Her head fell away from him as he nipped lightly at her collarbone and his hand slid beneath her shirt.

The door chimed.

Shepard's head fell back and she laughed; loud, rich, and from her center. Kaidan dropped his head to the crook of her neck with a groan; his breathing was heavy and erratic as he tried to bring himself down. She ran her hands through his hair. He waited until his breathing settled before pulling back and looking down at her. She was smiling, and her eyes were bright. He kissed her quickly, called her the devil, and pushed away. He sat, adjusting his pants, and her tongue darted out wetting her lips as the door chimed again.

He watched her as she stood and straightened her clothes. She smoothed her hair before stepping past him to go to the door. Kaidan stood and went to the bedside table. He pulled out a bottle of a whiskey type liquor and some glasses. He turned as Kahlee was stepping down into the living area. She smiled warmly at him as she set down a bottle of wine Kaidan was sure she had confiscated from the lounge on the crew deck. Kahlee fell onto the couch as Jack and Shepard stepped down into the room.

"I didn't even leave a mark, Alenko. That fuckin' Lift was uncalled for," Jack snapped as her greeting as she climbed onto one of the chairs in the room. She kicked her feet out, resting her boots on the coffee table, snarling as she lifted her bottle to her lips.

Kaidan watched as a snickering Sloan followed and folded herself down onto the couch. Kaidan shrugged. "I'm willing to bet you won't hit Sloan again," Kaidan replied simply as he joined them in the corner, settling easily next to Shepard. He leaned forward and poured himself a drink as Kahlee handed Sloan a glass of wine.

"I'll beat the piss out of her if she ever associates with fuckin' Cerberus again," Jack answered, her voice an honest growl as she stretched her neck side to side. So, that was why Jack hit her. He knew Jack had served with Shepard during her stint with the organization.

"What do you have against them?" Kaidan asked, as he took a swallow of the amber liquor. It burned slightly more than whiskey, and less so than the Krogan favorite ryncol. It wasn't as good as the whiskey he'd shared with his father, but it would do.

"You mean, aside from their wicked insane torture studies and human sacrifices?" Jack asked, sarcasm dripping from her tone.

"Well," Kaidan paused as he sat back and stretched his drink free arm along the back of the couch. Shepard shifted closer and leaned into his side. Her presence was comforting, the weight of her reassuring, at his side. "Yeah, aside from all that."

"You can't trust a thing Cerberus says," Jack snapped, her hand seemed drawn to her neck and she scratched lightly. Kaidan noticed the area she was scratching was a rare spot free of ink, but it was still damaged. Scar tissue from something, and Kaidan suspected from the woman's tone, that Cerberus was behind it. "Pro-human my ass. You're looking at what they're willing to do to humans to advance humanity. I didn't start out like this," she snapped, her tone harsh, but Kaidan sensed it was born of an old trauma. "They wanted to make a perfect biotic soldier," her accompanying chuckle was more angry than anything else. "They got me instead."

"I wondered why I had never crossed paths with you," Kaidan admitted as he watched Jack knock back the rest of her drink before pouring herself another.

Jack snorted, "It's not like my Mommy and Daddy hired me some private Asari tutor."

Kaidan interrupted her before she had the chance to continue, "That would have been heaven. I was packed up and shipped out to Jump Zero, cut off from my family while some crazed ex-military Turian whipped us into proper biotics." Kaidan was surprised at how easily that information fell from him.

Not to be outdone, Jack leaned back and rocked the chair on two legs. "Well, the shit I've been through would make your worst nightmares seem like your favorite wet dream." Kahlee sighed at Jack's choice of words, and the tattooed woman's eyes flicked to her quickly.

"I'm not so sure about that," Kaidan spoke the words softly, his eyes moving down to Shepard briefly before looking up and finding Jack's. He felt Shepard snuggle closer to his side at his statement, and he tightened his hold on her instinctively.

"Yeah, well, everyone has their demons," Jack said leaning forward and resting her elbows on her knees. "I'm just glad we stopped them today." Her voice was softer than Kaidan expected, somber even. Her words, or maybe it was her tone, changed the feeling of the room.

"It kills me that I can't figure out what they're up to," Shepard sighed, her free hand resting easily on Kaidan's thigh. He reached down and took it in his hand. He didn't miss Kahlee watching them and their interactions. He had the sense she was assessing him, and that she would report back to Anderson. He wasn't worried. Kaidan was brought out of his thoughts when Shepard continued, "According to some of the information Kahlee pilfered from the troops at the school, they wanted to put the students through their Phantom program. Apparently, it had been their end goal for me." Kaidan could sense the underlying fear in her words, even if it wasn't in her tone as she spoke.

"Unfortunately for them, you went rogue, stole their ship, turned their crew against them, and told them to fuck off. Just like you did today, a big screw you to the Illusive Man. It was a good day, Shep," Jack insisted, and Kaidan agreed with the sentiment, but he knew where Shepard's concern was coming from.

"I agree, we got everyone off the station and the only casualties were on the other side. That being said, they're causing mayhem everywhere, and distracting us far too often. Mars, and the Citadel," Shepard's eyes flicked to Kaidan when she mentioned those two, and he forced an annoyed breath out through his nose, she squeezed his hand, "and now today at Grissom. They're up to something. The Illusive Man was never sane; I worry the Reapers have somehow indoctrinated him."

That thought was seriously troubling. The Illusive Man was powerful in his own right, with political ties purchased with his exorbitant cash resources. It was the reason the Alliance had never been able to stop him. He was too well connected, and funded. If the Reapers were controlling him, it only made the Reapers stronger. "I didn't make sense to me that he would be after humans when Cerberus has always been pro-humanity," Kahlee added as she sat back sipping her wine.

"We'll have to keep an eye on them. I'll see if EDI and Traynor can hack into their communications. We were lucky Traynor heard your call and realized it hadn't actually been answered," Shepard sighed and pulled away from Kaidan, stretching. "I can't believe, in the middle of this war, we're going to have to split our resources like this. We can't win if we're fighting this war on two fronts." She leaned back, lying on the couch, and placed her feet on Kaidan's lap.

A comfortable silence fell on the group as the day's events caught up with them. Kaidan's hands fell onto Shepard's feet, she glanced at him and wiggled her toes. He gave her a smile and started rubbing her feet absently. Kahlee was watching Kaidan and Sloan, a genuine smile playing on her lips. "I see you finally gave up on the fish?" Jack broke the silence with her question nodding towards the empty tank. She finished her beverage and set the empty bottle on the table before stretching her arms over her head.

"The little fuckers kept dying," Sloan said with a shrug.

"Sloan!" Kahlee scolded, her voice rising sharply with disapproval; Kaidan and Jack exchanged a look as Shepard's cheeks colored.

"They've heard worse, Kahlee! They're adults, marines, not students," Shepard replied as she sat up, pulling her feet from Kaidan's lap and folding her legs beneath her.

"I'm not a marine," Jack argued through a grin. Shepard shot her a loot, all narrow eyes and pursed lips.

"They've heard me say worse," Shepard muttered, and Kahlee sighed. Kaidan struggled not to laugh, his hand went to his mouth as Jack's eyebrow arched. He couldn't hold it in, his laugh slipped from his lips and instantly all eyes were on him. Kahlee was the first to ask what was so funny.

"I'm sorry, it's just… 'fuck' is the first word I heard her say," He said, bringing his laughter back under control. He glanced at Shepard who looked surprised.

"No, it wasn't," Shepard argued, her eyes bright.

"It most definitely was, in the amp shop on Arcturus," Kaidan reminded her. "The shopkeep mixed up our orders and tried telling you yours wasn't in." He watched as the memory returned, and her grin widened.

"Oh yeah, you were so adorable. With your excuse me, Ma'ams." He chuckled softly as her laugh rang out, warming him.

Jack interrupted them, "When I met her, she threatened to leave me on a failing station."

"The station was a prison I had just broken you out of," Shepard defended her actions.

"That's not really helping your cause here, Sloan," Kahlee teased, her tone light. They all knew Shepard had done things that were less than pristine in her career, especially during her time with Cerberus. Kaidan had the feeling that if Shepard had been with any other group of people, she would have been defensive and not smiling like she was now.

"Yeah, well, it's a good thing I did. I couldn't have stopped the Collectors without her," Sloan insisted, and Jack agreed. Kaidan sighed, he wished he had been there. Shepard reached out and took his hand. It was as if she knew what his sigh meant. He linked their fingers and turned his attention back to Jack and Kahlee who were discussing the students.

As the evening wore on, Kaidan felt Shepard relaxing more than she had, maybe ever. Something about the atmosphere, and the way she watched Kahlee, reaffirmed for Kaidan how important family was to her. He knew his mother would adore Shepard, and he clung to the hope that she would be able to get to know her, once the war was over. He glanced down to where she was resting, her back pressed against his side, and her feet up on the back of the couch. His arm was draped over her. She yawned, and Kahlee spoke, "It is getting late. We should make sure the kids are set and get some sleep."

"Yeah, alright," Jack said as she stood and stretched. Kahlee followed, and Shepard reluctantly pulled herself from Kaidan's arms to usher them the door. Kaidan stood and started to collect the glasses and empty bottles. When he turned Jack was standing in front of him. Her eyes dark and intense as she glared at him. He raised an eyebrow at her in question. "Keep her safe."

"I will," Kaidan promised, momentarily struck by the command. Jack didn't seem like the type of person to let herself care about people, but it was clear she cared about Shepard. Jack just nodded and turned on her heel to follow Kahlee. Kaidan watched as Shepard turned back into the room after the elevator closed. "She's a character."

Shepard grinned and gestured over her shoulder, "Who, Jack?" Her question was laced with teasing and Kaidan chuckled softly. "She takes some getting used to. She's been through a lot, but she's also grown more than I would have thought since we got her from Purgatory. I'm glad I was right about her," Shepard added as she helped Kaidan straighten up.

Once they had finished cleaning up, they dropped the glasses into the bin by the door. They would take them down to the mess in the morning. Kaidan turned and watched as Shepard climbed into bed. She settled into the pillows and pulled the blanket up to her chin with a sigh. He followed her, removing his amp as she had, and setting it carefully into its case before sliding beneath the blanket and turning to her. She leaned forward and kissed him quickly and soundly.

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to him. He loved how easily she moved to him, instinctively, almost. Their legs twisted together and his arms wrapped around her. He felt her sigh, and together they fell asleep. The next day would bring a face to face meeting with Hackett, new leads to follow, and resources to track down. Their work would not be over until it was, and as anxious as Kaidan was for it, he was scared to think about what the end of the war would bring.


	69. Chapter 69

Kaidan’s face twitched as he slowly rose to consciousness. He heard Sloan’s soft laugh, and felt her fingers trace over his face. He peeked at her, opening just one eye. She was blurry with sleep, but he could tell she was smiling. He reached out and wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her into him. He was glad she hadn’t dressed, yet. The smooth skin of her legs slid against his as their limbs tangled. He shifted rolling her beneath him as his lips claimed hers. 

She sighed into his kiss, a content, happy sound, as her arms wrapped around his neck. His heart pounded against his chest as her lips parted for him. A soft whimper vibrated against his lips as she shifted and he settled between her legs. The unsatisfied desire from the night before roared to life again as his kiss grew more demanding and his hands more insistent. One hand tangled in her hair and tugged lightly. Their kiss broke and she mewled as his lips moved to her neck. He could feel her pulse against his tongue, strong and fast. 

She was gasping softly with each breath and he couldn’t focus on anything but the sounds she was making as his body reacted to her. He kept one hand fisted in her hair, holding her still, as the other trailed down her curves, his thumb teasing her breast as he passed it. He was rewarded when she moaned his name. He grinned against her neck as his hand slid under her shirt and up the smooth planes of her abdomen before cupping her breast. She pressed her body into his touch. He groaned, deep and long, as her nails scraped down his back. Her hands slid into his boxers and gripped his behind, pressing him closer to her. 

“Commander,” Joker’s voice broke into the room. Kaidan let out a string of curses as Shepard sighed and removed her hands from him. He dropped his head, his forehead resting on her collarbone as she pushed the hair back from her face. She stared at the ceiling; her chest heaving with each frustrated breath. “Sorry to, uh, wake you but we’re docking with the Fifth Fleet in thirty minutes.” 

“Thanks, Joker,” she replied to the pilot as the comm cut off and Kaidan pulled back and looked down at her flushed face. At least he wasn’t the only one affected. 

She moved to get up from beneath him, but he held firm, pressing his hips into hers. She gasped and chewed her lip. “We have half an hour,” he reminded her as he kissed her lips soundly.

“Kaidan,” she sighed his name, and he rolled his hips against hers. She gasped, “We have to shower and get going.”

“Sloan,” He pushed her shirt up as she tried to hold it down, “thirty minutes is plenty of time. I’ll be quick.”

She scoffed and pushed against his chest; he sighed and rolled off her. “That’s exactly what every woman wants to hear.” She climbed out of bed and padded to the locker to retrieve her dress blues. Kaidan watched her and knew by the tension in her shoulders and her quick movements that she was just as frustrated as he was. She turned to him. “Take a shower, Alenko.” He watched her eyes dart down his body before moving back to his face. “A cold one.” She smirked as she turned her back to him. He watched as she stripped off her night clothes and dressed. It was quick and efficient and did nothing to settle his arousal.

He grumbled as he dragged himself out of bed and went to their bathroom. He took her advice and turned on the cold water. When he was finished in the shower, he wrapped a towel around his waist and stepped into their shared space just in time to watch her put her hair back into the regulation bun. He shook his head and took the stairs down towards the locker to pull out his own dress uniform. 

He felt her eyes on him before he turned around. She was dressed, ready for the day, and leaning against the fish tank watching him with her arms crossed over her chest. Her eyes moved over him as he pulled on his pants. When her gaze reached his face, her eyebrow cocked and her head tilted. Her eyes were bright and warm. He would never tire of the way she looked at him. He smirked and flexed unnecessarily as he closed the buttons on his shirt. She chuckled softly and pushed away from the fish tank. She crossed the space between them, and her hands rested on his hips as she stood on her toes and pressed a kiss to his lips as he finished buttoning his collar. 

“I’ll see you downstairs, Major,” she spoke softly, and he nodded. She turned to go and he watched until the door closed behind her. He checked the time quickly before sliding on his shoes. They had a few more minutes before they were scheduled to dock with Hackett’s ship. He knew Shepard would be on the bridge with Joker and EDI, so when he left the cabin he stopped in the mess and grabbed two MREs, one for him and one for Shepard, before he went to meet them.

He stepped onto the bridge, and Shepard turned towards him. He handed her the meal, and she gave him a guilty smile as she took it. They broke them open and stood behind Joker as they approached the Fifth Fleet. 

“Nothing like two Spectres standing over your shoulder watching you work. That’s not intimidating or anything,” Joker was speaking under his breath, and though his tone was serious, his hands flew confidently over the controls, not missing a beat.

“Can it, Joker,” Shepard responded, a sharp tease in her clipped response. Joker sneered, and Kaidan grinned. It was delicate, what Joker had to do. Lining up the ships, making sure they’d dock successfully and not tear a hole in the side of the hull. Kaidan knew they’d be fine; Joker may be an arrogant ass but it wasn’t without merit. His skill was unquestionable and he executed the docking perfectly. “Show time,” Shepard said as she dropped the wrapper from her MRE into the trash and turned towards the airlock. Kaidan followed suit and stood next to her as the airlock door cycled open. She called for attention, and each soldier stood, and saluted. 

Hackett stepped across the threshold, his eyes moving over the Bridge before landing on Shepard. He saluted, “At ease,” he offered, his eyes sliding to Kaidan. They moved to a relaxed attention.

“Welcome aboard, Sir,” Shepard offered and Hackett nodded. “This way,” She gestured in front of her and Hackett nodded for her to lead. Kaidan followed behind the Admiral as they strode through the CIC. Each section they passed through paused, and gave the Admiral the respect he deserved. They met Garrus, Liara, and Kahlee in the conference room. Jack was down with the students, waiting for the transfer.  


Once the door was closed, Hackett turned to them. “Cut the formalities,” Hackett ordered, his crisp blue eyes moving over the assembled group. “Tell me what you’ve got for me,” he ordered and Shepard gestured to Kahlee.

“We have a group of seventeen students from Grissom Academy. Six of them are tech specialists, and are near genius level engineers,” Kahlee started, and Hackett seemed doubtful.

“They’ve already impressed the Normandy’s engineers, Sir, that says something,” Garrus added, and Hackett nodded, his eyes turning back to Kahlee as she continued.

“The other eleven are biotics, some of the most powerful human biotics we’ve seen. With more training, I wouldn’t be surprised if they were at the same level as Major Alenko or even Commander Shepard,” Kahlee offered, her eyes moving to Kaidan and Sloan before locking back on the Admiral. His surprise was clear as he raised an eyebrow at Sloan.

“They’re good, but they’re not ready for battle. We spoke with Jack, their teacher, yesterday. It’s her opinion, and we agree,” Shepard gestured quickly to Kaidan, “that the students should keep a more defensive, back line position.” 

Hackett nodded. “Seems logical. We’ll send Jack and her biotic students to Anderson on Earth. Ms. Sanders, I’d like you to accompany the tech students and myself back to the Crucible. We need all the help we can get. I will say, Shepard, Ms. Goto has already proven herself invaluable. Thank you for convincing her to help us,” Hackett offered, and Kaidan watched the smile tug at Shepard’s lips.

“I’m glad to hear that, Sir. Kahlee,” Shepard turned her eyes to her friend, “why don’t you head down to Jack and get the rest of the kids ready for the transfer.” Kahlee nodded, and then turned her eyes to Hackett before she stood and left the room. Hackett seemed to relax slightly once Kahlee had left the room. Kahlee had history with the Alliance, but she was technically a civilian now. Shepard looked to Hackett as the group seemed to close ranks, leaning in and speaking softer. “What’s our state of readiness, Admiral?”

“I won’t lie to you, Shepard. You deserve better than that. We’re bogged down. Things aren’t looking good in most sectors. We need to increase the tempo and chalk up some wins… otherwise… this won’t end well for the human race, or any race, really.” Kaidan glanced at Garrus and Liara as Shepard shifted in her seat. 

“What about the help we’ve already picked up?” She asked, folding her hands in front of her. Kaidan knew Hackett’s words made him feel like their efforts had been fruitless, he could only image how angry Shepard must feel. 

“The Krogan and the Turians have been a huge help, obviously. We’re lucky Wrex is leading the Krogan, and the female you rescued is rallying support from other clans. The work you did on Tuchanka secured massive Krogan support, and some Turian as well,” Hackett’s eyes darted to Garrus more than once as he spoke. Shepard mentioned the Rachni, and Kaidan shuddered. He hated the bug like aliens, and from the jerking of Garrus’s mandibles, he assumed Garrus was not fond of them either. Hackett chuckled, and it sounded odd in his grizzled tone, like he wasn’t accustomed to humor. “I wouldn’t have believed it, but the Rachni are helping us build the Crucible.”

“No shit,” Shepard replied under her breath, and Kaidan couldn’t help the laugh that slipped out as he glanced at Liara and Garrus. Her cheeks tinted red at the slip in professionalism, but she recovered quickly.

Hackett’s eyes sparkled with mirth as he continued. “Turns out they have a knack for weapons of mass destruction. In hindsight, I guess they would know a thing or two about waging a galactic war.”

“So, there were no problems with them, then?” Liara’s soft voice lilted from her corner of the table.

It was Hackett’s turn to chuckle, “They scared the hell out of our engineers.” The group shared a lighthearted moment before discussing the rest of the help they had gathered. The Salarians weren’t helping outright; the Dalatrass was still angry about curing the genophage. However, the strike teams within STG were contacting the Alliance and promising support. “I never expected we’d be in bed with Aria T’Loak; I’m not sure I want to know how you got Aria’s cooperation, but whatever you did, it was worth it.”

“Well, I haven’t done it, yet, but I’m glad to know her mercenaries are working out,” Shepard replied, glancing at Kaidan out of the corner of her eye. Kaidan knew very little about Aria; she was the unofficial ruler of Omega, and not exactly law-abiding. She created, and followed, her own laws. He wondered why Shepard had kept this from him, and had a sinking feeling it was because she felt he wouldn’t approve. He said nothing; his concern was more personal than professional, and the last thing he wanted was to question her in front of the Admiral. 

“Admiral,” Garrus spoke up, and Hackett’s bright blue eyes met the aliens. “Is there any update on the other races? Aside from humans, I mean.” 

Hackett nodded, “Believe it or not, the Turians and Krogan seem to be getting along. Wrex has deployed troops and they’re giving the Reapers a moment of pause, and offering a brief reprieve for the Turians. The Salarians are still hanging on to Sur’Kesh, but the Reapers have taken notice of them, as well.”

“And the Asari?” Liara spoke up. It was as if the words leapt from her lips, each soul in the room anxious for any news of their people. 

He paused, and his voice took on a more somber tone when he answered, “They have to be feeling the heat. The Reapers are moving fast with the obvious intent of taking Thessia.” They watched Liara take the news, her shoulders widened and her back straightened. Kaidan felt a rush of concern for her, and was distracted when Sloan asked about the Quarians or geth. “Something might be brewing near the geth border, bit our Intel is sketchy. News is getting harder to come by as things progress.”

“I’ll see if I can get in touch with Tali,” Garrus offered quickly, his mandibles twitching as he sat taller. Kaidan noticed the smirk playing at the corners of Shepard’s lips and wondered what he was missing.  
“I bet you will,” Shepard muttered as Hackett looked down to his ‘tool. 

“I appreciate you taking the time to meet with me. It will do the troops good to know you’re still out here, making progress.” Hackett stood, and the others followed suit. 

“It doesn’t feel like it’s enough,” Shepard admitted quietly.

“You give them hope, Shepard, I shouldn’t have to tell you how valuable hope is,” Hackett reached out a hand, which Shepard shook as she nodded. 

“No, Sir.” They escorted him down to the shuttle bay, where they met Kahlee, Jack, and their students who were waiting outside Hackett’s shuttle. Hackett went immediately to Jack who, for her part, seemed to maintain a level of decorum atypical of her. Kaidan watched as Shepard moved quickly to Kahlee who was ushering the students onto the shuttle. 

He hated the tension in her fisted hands and the stiffness of her shoulders. He knew what she was feeling; it was the same thing he felt every time he thought of his mother: The helplessness, the loneliness, the fear. He watched as the two women embraced. Kahlee’s hand ran over her head and down her back. Kahlee locked eyes with him from across the bay. Kaidan nodded once in her direction, and a satisfied smile tugged on her lips. She pulled back from Sloan, looked her in the face. Whispered something, to which Sloan nodded, before releasing her. Sloan turned and watched as she stepped onto the shuttle. 

Hackett was the last to leave. The shuttle doors closed behind them, and Shepard turned and signaled for everyone to get behind the barrier as the alarms sounded in the bay. Once they were behind the barrier, the cargo bay door opened and the shuttle took off. Shepard’s hand found Kaidan’s, but only for a moment. She squeezed his fingers before she released him and turned towards the elevator. He wanted to say something to her, to offer her words of encouragement or comfort, but they weren’t alone on the elevator and they were determined to remain professional in front of the crew. 

They stepped off in the CIC and Kaidan and Shepard were headed towards the galaxy map to plot their next stop when Liara called out from the direction of the War Room. They both stopped and turned as the asari rushed towards them. “Shepard,” Liara’s usually soft voice was harsh and clipped as she approached them, and immediately, Kaidan felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up. She was upset about something. Liara's biotics were natural, and had an easy flowing warmth to them. Not now, now they hit him like an ice storm, prickling against his skin and setting him on edge. Shepard's eyes caught his eyes briefly as they met her in front if the map. “Asari High Command has sent us a distress signal, and while they haven’t directly requested we look into it, I really think we should.” 

“Liara, I understand they’re your people, but at the moment I’m not inclined to help the Asari,” Shepard replied, her tone firm but not angry. Kaidan had the strangest sense he’d missed something, but remained silent as Liara’s eyes narrowed.

“I know they refused to meet with us before Tuchanka, but Shepard,” Liara’s voice trembled slightly, and Shepard let a breath out through her nose as she cocked her hip and crossed her arms over her chest. “The distress signal is coming from an Ardat Yakshi monastery.”

Shepard seemed to freeze momentarily before she audibly swallowed, “Ardat Yakshi? You mean, like Morinth?” Kaidan felt like he was on the outside looking in. He remembered reading about the Ardat Yakshi in Shepard’s reports, but he didn’t remember reading anything that would cause the fear he could sense as her biotics flared. It wasn't visible, but she was unsteady. 

“Yes, and no,” Liara answered. She went on to explain that the Asari living at the monastery did so intentionally. It was their way of making sure they didn’t turn in to the murderers, like Morinth did. “The fear is that the Reapers are harvesting them and using them. Ardat Yakshi troops would be devastating. Shepard, I know you are upset with High Command, but these Asari did this because they wanted to protect the universe from themselves, we can not allow….”

“Okay, Liara, we’ll go to the monastery,” Shepard finally agreed, and Liara’s face softened and her shoulders dropped with her exhale. She thanked Shepard and made brief eye contact with Shepard before she rushed off. Kaidan sighed and turned towards Shepard who was already at the galaxy map. “Joker,” she reached out to the pilot over the comm. 

“Yeah, Shepard?”

“Set a course for,” she paused as she checked the information from Liara, “Lesuss.”

“You got it,” Joker replied easily, “ETA 5 hours.” She thanked the pilot and turned to meet Kaidan’s eyes.

“It’s going to be you, Garrus, and myself. Be prepared for biotics and, I don’t know how to … mind fuckery." She must have seen the confusion on his face. "They can get inside your head, take away your control. Be ready." Her tone was all business; she had fallen into the role of Commander, hiding behind her rank, reputation, and job. Kaidan nearly saluted her. Instead, he nodded and she brushed past him making her way towards the elevator. He felt the sharp pang of worry in his core as he watched her go. 

He turned and made his way to the Bridge where Joker sat, alone for once. Joker didn’t look up at him, but the pilot greeted him with a soft, “Hey, Kaidan.”

“Where’s EDI?” 

“She went down to the AI core,” Joker replied, “Feel free to sit if you’d like; she said she’d be down there for a while.” Joker’s hands moved over the controls with an ease Kaidan was envious of. He’d wanted to be a pilot when he was younger, but his skill set was elsewhere. He tried to ignore the gnawing concern, but it continued to chew on him as he logged into the console. “What’s on Lesuss?”

“An Ardat Yakshi monastery that Asari High Command thinks may be under attack by the Reapers,” Kaidan replied, almost absently. His attention was split between the code before him and Shepard, where ever she had disappeared to. 

“Ah, shit,” Joker sighed, and Kaidan was instantly on alert. He waited, though, so he wouldn’t be pressuring Joker for information. “Look, Alenko, I don’t know everything there is to know about the Ardat Yakshi, but I know when we dealt with one before. It was tough on her. She was quiet for days after.”

“You don’t know what happened?” He had known there was something wrong, but he had hoped it had more to do with Kahlee leaving than where they were headed. 

“No, she would only talk to Thane or Samara about the mission afterwards,” Joker was distracted as they approached the relay. The pilot went through the typical checks as they entered and exited the space jump. Kaidan knew he could blame the twisting unease in his gut on the jump, but it wasn’t that. Once the ship leveled off, Joker finally looked at Kaidan from beneath the brim of his hat. “Look, just, keep an eye on our girl today, alright?” 

“Always,” Kaidan answered, wishing once again he had made a different decision when she found him on Horizon. Kaidan turned to his console and searched through the Alliance and Spectre records of Ardat Yakshi. There wasn’t much, but the little information he found was enough to cause concern. He thought of the look on her face as she spoke with Liara. He closed his eyes and remembered the way her shoulders had straightened and the emotion had slipped from her face. His stomach churned at his realization.

Shepard was scared.


	70. Chapter 70

Kaidan stepped off the elevator and onto the crew deck. They were close to Lesuss. It was just about time to get ready to go groundside. He hadn’t seen Shepard since she’d given the order. He turned when he heard a door open. His eyes landed on Shepard as she exited Life Support. Her arms were crossed over her midsection. She paused, tilted her head back and took a deep breath. She turned to face him and froze when she noticed his presence. She forced a smile; it didn’t reach her eyes. 

She started towards him. “We’ve got forty minutes until we land, Alenko; we should go get dressed.” She tried to move past him, but he reached out and took her arm. 

“Sloan,” his voice was stern, and she froze. 

“We don’t have time for this now,” she answered without looking at him.

“You’ve been avoiding me for hours, and now we’re heading to an Ardat Yakshi monastery to face commandos and mind fuckery; you’re going to give me five minutes.” He didn’t miss her tense as he spoke to her. She turned her frozen stare at him, but he didn’t waver. “You’re the one who said we had to make sure our crew is in their best shape before missions.” He threw her words back at her, and she growled quietly, glancing quickly over his shoulder. 

She pulled her arm out of his grip and went to the elevator. “Are you coming?” She didn’t even turn to look at him as she stepped into the car and waited. He joined her and she punched the call button for the cargo bay a little harder than necessary. She turned and leaned against the opposite wall, arms crossed over her chest. “What do you want?”

He swallowed hard. “I want to know what’s wrong with you. You’ve been upset since Liara told you about the monastery. Why?” He knew he was prodding, poking at her when she didn’t want to talk about it. He knew he’d irked her when he threw her words back at her, but it was still a valid point. Right now, she wasn’t okay. She needed to admit it, and accept it, or she would be putting herself, the crew, and the mission at risk. 

“I’m fine.” Her words were flat, and cold. 

“Don’t lie to me.”

“What do you want me to say, Kaidan?” Her eyes finally met his, and he was stunned momentarily by the rage he saw there. Yes, it was rage, but behind it, was pure unadulterated fear. It haunted her, and there was nothing he could do to make it go away. 

“Tell me why you’re scared,” he demanded the truth from her, and as soon as he spoke the words the bravado melted away and he saw the truth behind the anger. She hugged herself tighter and dropped her eyes.

“We don’t have time for that conversation right now,” she insisted, and Kaidan sighed roughly. She glared up at him. “It’s a bit of a tale, and we have to go, and before you suggest it, no, I’m not talking about it in front of anyone else. So, discussing it on the shuttle is out of the question. I can’t, but I will tell you when we get back,” she offered. He sighed, still cross, but he knew she was right. They didn’t have time. The elevator doors opened, and she waited for his response before moving.

“Fine,” he answered and she nodded, the hardness returning to her eyes as she turned from him and led him off the elevator. She strode across the bay, the ever confident and in control Commander the crew needed her to be. They moved to their lockers; Garrus was at the shuttle with Vega and Cortez prepping to leave. Kaidan and Shepard stripped to their skivvies before pulling on their underarmor. They were efficient, and quick. Practiced soldiers who had done this countless times. 

When they finished, they moved to the shuttle, “All right, let’s go.” She gave the order as Vega handed them their weapons. Cortez gave a nod and went to the pilot seat as Garrus sat on the shuttle and secured himself. Shepard checked Kaidan’s armor first, and try as he might, he couldn’t ignore it as her hands moved from shoulder to shoulder, her gloved fingers trembled just slightly. She tapped his shoulder guard and she stepped in front of him. 

He checked the closures at her hips, up her sides, and across her back. He tapped her shoulder guard, but before she could step away he placed his hands on her shoulders and pulled her back into his chest. He dropped his lips to her ear and spoke firmly, but quietly, “You’re not alone.” He heard, and felt, her let out a breath as she relaxed momentarily against him, reaching up to take his hand briefly. She squeezed, and when she released him, he released her and they stepped onto the shuttle. 

“Take us out, Cortez,” Shepard ordered and the pilot accepted. She braced herself with the bar above her head as Kaidan secured himself next to Garrus. “This is what we know: The monastery sent out a distress signal. Asari high command, fearing Reaper involvement, sent a team of Commandos to investigate. If there was a chance the Ardat Yakshi could break loose, the commandos were ordered to purge the monastery.”

“Purge? You mean, destroy?” Garrus asked, his disbelief evident through the tones in his voice. Kaidan looked back to Shepard, and was surprised by how okay she was with the thought. 

“Yeah, they would have brought enough explosives to level the place. Frankly, we don’t have a lot of time to waste here. We need to get this taken care of as quickly as possible. We find the Commandos, finish the job, and get the hell out of here. No bull shit,” She ordered as Cortez landed them on site. Garrus and Kaidan nodded as they stood and readied their weapons. “Cortez, stay nearby but out of sight. We’ll need you back quickly for extraction.” She gave the order as the shuttle door opened and they stepped off. 

Lessus was beautiful, even if it was home to a monastery of serial murderers. The sky was clear, and the colors of the foliage were striking. Kaidan tore his eyes from the landscape and followed Shepard towards the entrance. When the doors opened, and it became apparent that the elevators were down, Kaidan felt an icy chill slip over his spine. This didn’t bode well for the souls here. 

They continued into the building, taking the ladders down into the structure. They didn’t make it very far when an outlandish shriek broke through the air. It was feral, laced with anger and despair, and the hairs on the back of Kaidan’s neck stood. He shuddered. “Listen,” he spoke softly, as that same sound rang out again. “There are a lot more than one.” He didn’t miss the way Shepard’s hand twitched at her side as they continued.

“Stay sharp,” she ordered as they continued their search. The elevators were down because the power was out. If it hadn’t been for the lights at the end of their weapons they would have been in complete darkness. Kaidan couldn’t shake the feeling that someone, something, was watching them. He wanted, more than anything, to get out of this building and back on the Normandy. First, they had to complete this mission. Part of him was looking forward to watching this place burn; if only to kill this feeling on his skin. 

Kaidan hated to think it, but the monastery had a feeling similar to Mars, the feeling of life just stopping. It was quiet, too quiet, too still. Everybody was simply gone. It made Kaidan’s stomach churn when he considered their fate. Had they escaped? Or had they been transformed? 

They continued their search in the same stagnant silence, broken only by the soft falls of their feet on the tiled floor. Shepard startled him when she stopped and let out a string of particularly colorful curse words. His eyes moved to the spot illuminated by her light. The Asari commandos lay motionless on the floor, pools of blood surrounding them. Kaidan glanced over his shoulder and spotted a Cannibal corpse lying nearby, he said as much. “So, this explains why High Command never heard back from their team.” Shepard said nothing, she dropped to a crouch and examined the body. 

“Yeah, but this is out of the way. What would the Reapers want with Ardat Yakshi?” Garrus asked as Shepard scrolled through a datapad she had pulled from the deceased commando. Garrus’s question would go unanswered. Kaidan didn’t want to think about it, and he knew Shepard didn’t either. 

“Anything useful?” He asked her as she stood. She locked eyes with him, and she seemed grateful he chose not to continue Garrus’s line of thought; not out loud, at least. 

“Yeah, a map to the bomb. It’s in the Great Hall. Let’s blow this fucker and get the hell off this planet,” Shepard answered as she loaded the information to her ‘tool and sent the file to Garrus and Kaidan before signaling them to continue moving. Kaidan and Garrus met eyes, and Kaidan was sure the Turian was as concerned as he was about Shepard. They fell into step behind her and she led them towards their destination. 

They entered an open room, large full windows looked out on the greenery outside the monastery. It would have been beautiful, if it wasn’t for the sickly feeling of the space they were in. They reached the edge of the walkway and looked over the side at the sound of a grunt and a body thumping to the floor. “Samara?” The name jogged Kaidan’s memory. Like many other things, he had read about the Asari Justicar in her reports. Samara helped Shepard on the Collector base. 

“It has been some time, Shepard,” Her voice was gentle, like the caress of a warm breeze. Though, it carried with it the weight of a millennia, it was pleasant, and Kaidan stepped next to Shepard to see the Asari. She had kohl rimmed eyes and dark colored lips, she moved with a grace born in battle and a confidence befitting her years. She was striking. “You are a most welcome sight. The corruption here runs deep.”

“I didn’t expect to see a Justicar here,” Shepard admitted, gently prodding for more information. 

“My daughters are here,” Samara admitted, and Kaidan was moved by the utter sadness in her voice. “I came here for them, but I was too late. By the time I arrived, the Reapers had already infested the place.”

“I met Morinth,” Shepard reminded the Justicar, and Kaidan nearly winced at the tremble in her voice that reinforced his questions. He bit his tongue, and watched the exchange. “Are these daughters just as dangerous?”

“No, Shepard, Falere and Rila…”

“I don’t want to know their names, Samara,” Shepard interrupted the Asari, holding her hand up and closing her eyes. “This isn’t a rescue mission.”

Samara’s eyes narrowed, and Kaidan’s hand drifted towards his pistol; though, he doubted his sidearm would be very effective against the Justicar. The tension between the warriors was heavy; both had their own code, and Kaidan couldn’t foresee a way for this to end well. “My daughters came to this monastery so they would not end up like their sister. They have followed the rules and avoided violence. I am here for them, Shepard. They are my responsibility, and it cannot be abandoned; even as our galaxy crumbles.”

“Well, I’m set to detonate a bomb that will cease any responsibility you have here fairly efficiently. I suggest you find them, before I find the bomb,” Shepard said, turning away from the railing and moving towards the stairs. They heard Samara start towards the doorway beneath them and Garrus and Kaidan exchanged a look as they followed Shepard. As they moved to the lower level, they heard the same shriek from before. Goose flesh rose on Kaidan’s skin and his biotics reacted slightly. “Goddamn it, what is that?” Shepard muttered, and Kaidan made a soft noise when he noticed the body of another Commando. She turned, and waited as he stopped to check the Asari. He found a datapad with a message to her bondmate and he pocketed it before standing. He fell into step behind Shepard again.

The screaming continued, and Shepard gave the hand signal for them to move faster. As they moved through the building, Kaidan tried to think back on the comments from her files on Samara. He had to admit, he was surprised by the hostility between the pair, and not for the first time today he worried about her, and what exactly she had been through. He didn’t have long to think about it. 

There was another ground shattering scream, much closer than anyone would like and suddenly, they were face to face with the Reaper altered Ardat Yakshi. Its once blue flesh was grey and black and stretched like leather over its skeleton. Its belly was round, and firm and protruded before it like a woman in her final trimester. Elongated fingers hung at the ends of thin arms. The cartilage on its head stretched back like some kind of wicked, evil crown. Its eyes were black and its mouth gaped wide when it screeched. 

It was terrifying. 

Kaidan and Garrus ducked into cover quickly before he glanced around for Shepard. He found her frozen in one spot, her eyes wide in fear and glued on the screaming Banshee. She trembled, her rifle gripped tight in her hands. “Commander!” Kaidan shouted, putting the weight of his years of command behind the title. She jumped, startled, and perhaps embarrassed, as she went for cover. Garrus stood, and fired two quick shots at the Banshee before dropping next to Kaidan.

“Two hits and it’s still standing!” Garrus offered as he reloaded his rifle. Kaidan glanced at Shepard and watched her take two slow breaths before standing and firing with own. Kaidan followed suit. He tried his biotics, but a simple Throw was ineffective. He dropped next to Garrus as the Turian stood to take another shot. He waited for Shepard to stop firing before he stood again. Shepard crouched low to reload and Kaidan stood firing his automatic rifle into the swollen belly of the beast. 

With one final screech, it fell. The silence that followed rang in their ears. Before Kaidan could say anything, Shepard was on her feet and headed for the Great Hall. “Let’s go.” Kaidan clenched his teeth and followed. Before they reached their destination, they were bombarded with cannibals. It seemed as if when one fell, there was one behind it to pick up the scraps and continue on in its place. As the fighting continued, Kaidan knew they had no choice but to blow the place. It was completely overrun. 

His ‘tool was warm to the touch and his amp was tingling at the base of his head as he used his biotics. He wasn’t even using full power, but the frequency of the attacks caused the gentle hum and he ignored the churning worry in his core and focused on where to place his next bullet, or Throw. He risked a glance to Shepard and found her firing mercilessly at the Cannibals, her eyes cold and hard and her lips pressed in a tight line. Gone was the woman. This was the fierce Commander, focused on the mission with tunneled vision.

When the last Cannibal fell, silence filled the area like a heavy blanket. They picked up spare thermal clips dropped by the Commandos who had fallen before them. “Everyone alright?” Shepard asked as they regrouped. 

“Affirmative,” Kaidan answered as Garrus grunted. Shepard nodded and led them through the door. Kaidan watched as she hacked the lock on her own. The doors opened just in time for them to watch Samara and another Asari finish off two remaining Cannibals. They witnessed the lackluster reunion of mother and daughter. As Samara attempted to introduce Shepard to Samara’s youngest, Falere interrupted with the news that the Reapers had her sister, Rila. 

Kaidan risked a glance at Shepard, and she was unmoved. “What do the Reapers want with you?” Shepard asked, and Kaidan nearly flinched at the sharpness of her tone. 

Falere glared at Shepard, but it only lasted a moment before her eyes dropped and she swallowed hard. “They’re harvesting us. They’re turning us into these … monsters.” She gestured to the corpse of a Banshee, and Shepard nodded. It was what they had assumed. The Reapers must have been interested in the Ardat Yakshi’s ability to meld with and persuade another. 

“I see. Asari Command believed the Ardat Yakshi were behind the attacks,” Shepard started, and she glared at Falere when she was interrupted, again.

“The Ardat Yakshi would never; we achieve peace here! This is our home!” Falere argued. It was unclear whether or not Falere knew who she was arguing with. It wasn’t common for Shepard to be someplace her reputation hadn’t reached first, but Kaidan had a feeling the isolation here would have been a lot like Brain Camp. Take what you’re ashamed of, lock it away, and hope it stays there. Kaidan felt it in his chest when Falere pleaded for her sister’s life. He waited, deferring to Shepard. He wasn’t sure what the protocol was for dealing with a Justicar, and was unsure he wanted to risk offending her.

“I vouch for her,” Samara added, “with pride.” 

Shepard snorted, unmoved by the woman’s opinion of her daughter, code or not. “Samara, you know my mission. If you want to save your daughters, go now.” 

“Mission?” Falere asked.

“I am going to blow up this building,” Shepard announced simply, the condescension in her tone sounded odd. Kaidan glanced at Garrus as Shepard turned her back on the frantic Asari, he looked equally concerned. Falere took off, and Samara followed as they searched for Rila. 

“Shepard, maybe we should…” Garrus started. 

“No,” Shepard answered turning to look at him. “I can’t risk it. I’ve been on the receiving end of their particular set of skills. It’s a power we can’t let the Reapers have. Who knows how many they’ve already collected. We can’t. This place goes, whether Samara gets her girls or not.” She turned on her heel and continued towards the Great Hall without further comment, without giving either the opportunity to add anything else. 

He knew she was right, as much as her coldness angered him, he knew they had to destroy the monastery. Part of him thought they should have given Samara time to save her daughters, but if they were truly as bad as Shepard said, maybe it was for the best. He had no experience with them, so it was hard for him to argue. 

He bit his tongue and followed her. They took the stairs down to the lower level, following the map to the hall. After moving a few feet into the space, they heard the rap rap rap of a rifle and rounds ricocheted off Kaidan’s shields. He shouted an order for cover, and the three of them dropped behind the nearest bench. They were in some kind of open foyer. There were windows, fountains, and benches lined up all over. The area was also flooded with Cannibals, husks, and more Banshees. Shepard cursed over the moaning and screeching as Kaidan checked his ammo reserves and Shepard pulled up the map. 

“We’re going to have to plow through them,” Shepard spoke from her spot between them. “According to the map, the hall, and the bomb are just on the other side of this walkway.” He watched as she scanned the map to find a better extraction point. Garrus stood and fired off a few rounds as the husk’s moaning grew closer. “Here,” she pointed to a door on the far side. They would have plenty of time to set off the bomb and escape out the other side of the room. “We need to get to here once the bomb is set to avoid the blast,” she pointed to a space behind an outcropping of rock. Kaidan and Garrus nodded. She radioed Cortez and gave him the new coordinates with the order to be there in fifteen minutes. She looked to Kaidan, and he was surprised by the utter lack of emotion in her eyes. 

Maybe he shouldn’t have been. 

“Let’s go,” she ordered, and they stood running through the space. Gunfire echoed around the room, nearly drowned out by the constant buzz of the husk’s moans and the eerie screech of the Banshees. 

Kaidan shuddered as Shepard biotically Charged through the space. Her force knocked Cannibals and Husks backwards. They flew off their feet as the Banshees charged forward. Kaidan and Garrus did what they could as they tried to clear up what she left behind, and keep the Banshees at bay. They reached the door to the Great Hall at once. Their goal was to get inside and bar the door so they could set the bomb and leave through the back. The door was locked. “Goddamn it!” Shepard yelled as she failed to hack the mechanism. There were half a dozen banshees in the room, closing in on them. 

Kaidan threw up a Barrier around them. The blue half dome arched from floor to ceiling, keeping the Banshees away even as they clawed at it. He could get a clear view of them, up close, and they were the single most disturbing being he had ever seen. Empty black eyes, a gaping cavern of a mouth lined with rotting teeth; he shuddered, glad he could only smell eezo, and closed his eyes as Garrus took over the hack. He could feel Shepard’s presence behind him, ready to pick up the Barrier if it faltered. 

The light turned green and the door opened. “When you drop the Barrier, I’m going to put everything I have into a Nova. I’m hoping it will knock them back a few feet. Get into the Great Hall, I’ll be right behind you.” Kaidan swallowed hard, but nodded. “On three.” She counted, and when she reached three, he dropped the barrier and ran. He heard her bellow and the force of her Nova knocked him forward slightly. He fell into Garrus and turned around to see the Banshees closing in on her again as she stood. His heart sank as she seemed to shrink before the onslaught. Without thinking, he reached out and Pulled her away from them. The force of the Pull was so strong she knocked into him as the door slid shut. The Banshees shrieked their disappointment.

She was trembling, and he tried to hold her, for just a minute, but she pushed against his chest. She turned away from him without speaking and strode purposefully through the room to the bomb. Kaidan’s hands fisted at his sides as he followed her, he glanced at Garrus whose eyes were hard, and his mandibles eerily still. The Turian was clearly upset with Shepard’s actions; his stoicism a sign of his disappointment. There was Banshee screaming and it wasn’t as far off as they would have liked. 

Shepard picked up the detonator just as Samara, Falere, and Rila entered the room. Kaidan looked to the trio, as Shepard stood straighter, the detonator in hand. “You made it,” She said, barely hiding her disappointment. She gave the signal and Kaidan went to the bomb to arm it. 

He opened the console and watched the data stream over the screen. There was a section mission, and he couldn’t copy anything to fill the chain. “Shepard, the remote detonation capability is damaged. I can’t arm it,” Kaidan announced, and Shepard’s shoulders fell as Garrus confirmed his statement. 

“We don’t have any time! They’re right at the door!” Rila sounded frantic, and she was trembling. When she turned and met Shepard’s eyes, they were completely black. Shepard gasped and took a step back as she raised her pistol.

“You’re already changing,” Shepard accused and Samara stepped in front of her daughter. Kaidan and Garrus reacted on instinct, raising their weapons to show support of their leader. Kaidan didn’t take aim, but he was ready to protect Shepard if he needed to.

“Shepard, please!” Samara begged, and Rila sighed placing her hand on her mother’s shoulder. 

“No, mother, she’s right,” Rila said, her voice dropping. She sounded resigned, and she stepped out from behind Samara. 

“What? No! Rila!” Falere said, as Rila stepped towards Shepard, her hands up palm out. 

“It’s too late for me. I’ll stay behind, and detonate the bomb. Please, get my mother and my sister to safety,” she pleaded, and Shepard couldn’t help but glare at the Asari. 

“Fine,” She answered, her desire to be done with this place was seeping with every movement, every word, every twitch of muscle. The banging at the doors continued, and the frames started to bend. Falere started to scream, and Kaidan winced. He knew it would be difficult to leave family here, but even Rila accepted her own fate. She promised to make sure her death accomplished something. She promised to take out the structure and every living thing in it.

It fell on Shepard’s deaf ears as she moved towards the door, Garrus and Kaidan were behind her. The banging on the hall doors continued. The frame cracked, and Shepard shouted that they had to leave before the door was breached. Samara pulled her sobbing youngest child off her sister and dragged her to the door. Shepard didn’t turn back as she walked through the back door and into the humid night as the front door of the hall fell open. Banshees poured in, screaming. 

They ran.

They had seconds before Rila would set off the bomb. They ran until they reached safety. As Samara pulled Falere behind the rocks, the bomb went off. The ground shook beneath their feet as they crouched down and waited for the quaking to stop. It lasted forever, but only a few seconds. Then, there was noting but absolute silence.

“What will you do now?” Shepard asked Samara after a long moment. Samara looked up, her dark eyes reconciled to her decision. 

“There is only one thing I can do,” The Asari Justicar answered turning to Falere. “The Code dictates that an Ardat Yakshi cannot live outside a monastery that has been destroyed. The Ardat Yakshi must be killed.” Samara said as she pulled out her pistol. Kaidan’s eyes widened as he watched. Garrus’s mandibles twitched, but both men remained silent as Shepard allowed Samara to continue. "By the Justicar’s Code, there is only one way to save Falere. I am sorry.” 

Before anyone could react, Samara lifted her pistol to her temple and fired. Kaidan jumped, startled by the unexpected action, and Garrus flinched towards the Justicar. The Turian’s action was too late. Shepard watched as Samara’s body fell, lifeless, to the ground. Blood pooled instantly as her sightless eyes seemed to follow Falere as she fell towards her mother’s body. 

“No! Mother!” she was openly crying, and Shepard gave her a moment of grief. “Why would she do this after Rila saved our lives?” Falere cried out. “This isn’t right. She died because of her code,” Falere wiped her eyes before turning them to Shepard. “She died because I am an Ardat Yakshi.” She was looking for an absolution. 

Falere was looking for forgiveness in the wrong place. In all the time he had known Shepard, he had never seen her like this. She was void of everything. She had no emotion, no history, no future. He would have expected a woman who watched her own parents gunned down in front of her to have some kind of reaction to what she had just witnessed; what she had just allowed. Shepard didn’t. 

“You’re right,” Shepard answered with a quick nod. “This is your fault.” She lifted her pistol and before anyone could register what was happening, she pulled the trigger. The shock was the last emotion on Falere’s face as the back of her head exploded from the force of the close range bullet. Brain matter and other organic material splashed onto Samara’s face as Falere’s body fell backwards. She landed on top of her mother. 

“Shepard!” Kaidan screamed her name in pure rage. He started towards her but Garrus grabbed his arm; his reaction was quick enough this time. He couldn’t believe what he’d just seen. He couldn’t stand the thought that she had killed her. Falere had been unarmed and at Shepard’s mercy, and Shepard executed her. 

Shepard did not react to Kaidan; she simply holstered her weapon and turned towards the extraction point. “Let’s go. We’re done here.”


	71. Chapter 71

The tension was thick; like oil, it covered everyone in the shuttle. Even Cortez shifted in his seat as Shepard stood behind him, arms crossed over her chest. Her back ram-rod straight and her eyes forward. Kaidan was seething in his seat next to Garrus, his leg bouncing and his biotics buzzing beneath the surface. He was surprised he didn’t have a migraine. He expected he’d have one when he settled and the adrenaline wasn’t pumping through his veins. 

Something to look forward to.

The Normandy was in sight before Shepard turned to them. “I want your reports in thirty,” she announced, her voice distant and her eyes empty. She was pale, and if Kaidan wasn’t so angry he would have been worried about her. 

“What are we supposed to say?” Garrus asked, his flanging tone filled with disdain on every octave. “Commander Shepard murdered an unarmed woman after promising her mother she would take care of her,” Garrus mocked his report, and Shepard’s eyebrow cocked at him.

“If that’s what you think happened, then yes,” Shepard answered flatly, not accepting the bait.

“Isn’t that what happened?” Kaidan prodded, and Shepard’s eyes darted to his, blank and narrow.

“You and I know a biotic is never really unarmed,” Kaidan sat straighter as she finally offered an explanation. “You heard Samara; an Ardat Yakshi without a monastery is supposed to be put down. So, I put her down.” Chills traced his spine at her soulless tone. 

“Samara took her own life so her daughter wouldn’t have to die!” Garrus shouted, and Shepard didn’t flinch. She simply shifted her eyes back to the Turian, her face frozen and her eyes hard. Her lips were pressed into a thin line. She swallowed hard before she spoke.

“I was very clear from the beginning. I told Samara I was not here to rescue anyone,” Shepard replied and when Garrus started to argue, she held up her hand. “No,” she shook her head once, “I’m done explaining myself. Reports. Thirty minutes.” The shuttle set down in the bay and Shepard was the first one off. Kaidan stood to follow her, but she was already at the elevator by the time he unhooked himself and set foot down in the bay. 

James looked to him as he made his way over to his station. He set his weapons down. “Mission go FUBAR?” the Lieutenant asked as the elevator doors closed on Shepard. Kaidan let a breath out through his nose as he turned his eyes back to James. 

“I guess that depends who you ask,” Kaidan said as he moved away leaving room for Garrus to deposit his weapons. He stripped off his armor and pulled on his BDUs as the tension creeped from the back of his head up to his temples. He fought the first wave of nausea as he moved purposefully towards the elevator. He stopped on the crew deck and ducked into the men’s room. He was glad it was empty as the blood dripped from his nose. He grabbed some tissues and hid himself in the stall to stem the flow of blood.

He swallowed hard, and closed his eyes fighting the anxiety. He knew, deep down, he should tell Chakwas. He told himself it was getting better. He hadn’t had a full blown migraine in a while. He could handle a little blood. He finished cleaning himself up and stopped in the med-bay. “Major Alenko,” Dr. Chakwas greeted him. “How are you feeling?” she asked, her eyes moved over him efficiently.

“A little tension.” It felt good to be honest, at least a little honest. “Got anything to help me through the rest of my shift?” she raised an eyebrow at him as he perched himself on his cot. She walked over to him and he held his breath as she scanned him. 

A breath escaped her nose. “Yeah, just a second.” he had the feeling she was expecting to find something every time he came in here. It didn’t take her long to prepare the meds. She injected the muscle relaxer into his arm and he thanked her. “It’s a low dose; make sure you come back later if you need to,” she ordered and Kaidan nodded before thanking her. His mind wandered as he left the med-bay. He wondered where Shepard was, but wasn’t ready to confront her.

The events of the day sat heavy on his shoulders as he took the elevator to the CIC. He could see the coldness in Shepard’s eyes when he closed his own. He could sense how closed off she was, and it broke his heart. He was afraid for her; this was something that could bring consequences. Not to mention his own anger, his own disappointment, in her rash decision. True, Falere was a biotic, so she was always armed, in that moment she wasn’t a threat. 

Or was she? 

Asari High Command had no issue with their own commandos demolishing the monastery, why would they care if Shepard did, and cleaned up what was left? It was too much. He just wished he could understand why she had done it, but every time he thought about it he just got angry. The look of shock and betrayal was plain on Falere’s face when she looked at the business end of Shepard’s pistol. She hadn’t expected it – none of them had. He stepped off the Bridge, and was greeted by Traynor. The Communications Specialist’s cheeks held a deep red tint, and she was chewing her lip as her hands moved over the console.

“Hey, Traynor,” Kaidan greeted her, stopping at her station and waiting for her to meet his eyes. She glanced at him quickly.

“Hello, Major,” she was distracted, and he glanced down at her monitor. “Sorry, Commander Shepard demanded a connection with Asari High Command, and I’m trying to find a signal.” Traynor explained her predicament. “There’s nothing here!” she nearly growled and Kaidan glanced over her shoulder and watched her monitor. He had the feeling Shepard had been forceful with her demand, and Traynor did not want to disappoint her. 

“Try bouncing the signal off this buoy,” Kaidan suggested pointing, Traynor paused for a moment.

“That should work,” she agreed absently as she set the code. She visibly relaxed as the connection was secured. She looked up at him, a bright smile on her lips. “Thank you, Major. She seemed anxious, and upset; she was yelling. I … well, I wanted to make sure she got it as quickly as possible. I appreciate the assist.”

“Don’t even think about it. We’re a team,” he promised and she smiled, her gratitude clear as the lines slipped from her face. He stepped away from her console as she continued to monitor the strength of the connection. He moved towards the Bridge. Garrus was there with Joker. EDI was noticeably absent, again. Kaidan greeted them as he entered their space. 

“Hey, Kaidan,” Joker spun his chair to face them. “Garrus was just filling me in on the mission.” Joker glanced at the Turian who bristled slightly, before looking towards Kaidan. The Pilot seemed concerned, but not overly so. “She’s talking to Asari High Command now. I can’t imagine that’s going to go well.”

“Did you finish your report?” Kaidan asked, and a series of clicks and the way his mandibles twitched told Kaidan he hadn’t done it, yet. He smirked, and Garrus’s eyes were bright. “Me neither,” Kaidan admitted. 

“She’ll get them when they’re ready,” Garrus added simply.

“Serves her right the way she stormed up here, barking at everyone. They all listened, they all, always listen,” Joker sighed, he reached up and removed his hat, scratching at the top of his head before replacing it. “She needs to remember this isn’t a Cerberus ship anymore. These aren’t Cerberus operatives. We’re all Alliance; we’re all on the same team: her team.”

“I’ve never seen her like this,” Kaidan admitted quietly, and it broke something in him to admit that was true.

Joker and Garrus exchanged a glance, “We have.” Joker’s response was somber, and Kaidan sighed roughly. The pilot turned around again, and Garrus kept his eyes off Kaidan. Kaidan remained silent as the awkward tension slipped into the space. “Goddamn, she’s still on with the Asari. I’m surprised she hasn’t cut them off, yet.” Joker muttered, and Kaidan turned on his heel. He strode quickly across the CIC towards the QEC room. 

He nodded at Westmoreland and Campbell as he passed through security. He entered the QEC area and leaned against the doorway silently. She was out of her armor, and dressed in her BDUs. The only sign that Shepard knew someone had entered was in the way she stood straighter. “A Justicar is dead because of your poor decisions! There was no reason for Samara to have taken her own life!” The Asari displayed on the QEC was not someone Kaidan was familiar with he assumed she was part of High Command. 

“Samara is dead because she followed her code,” Shepard replied monotone and heartless. “I really don’t have time for lectures. You may be ignoring it, but there’s a war out here,” Shepard said, gesturing behind her. 

“We didn’t send you there for this to-“ The Asari was shouting now, and Kaidan felt Shepard’s biotics stirring seconds before she interrupted her.

“Let’s not get confused here!” Shepard raised her hand, and her voice. “You didn’t send me anywhere. A Council Spectre caught wind of a problem at a monastery. She went there and she took care of the problem as she saw fit!” As much as he hated it, her argument was sound. It didn’t make it right, but it certainly wasn’t wrong. A soft breath escaped him as he reached up and rubbed the back of his neck.

“We’ll just see what the Council has to say about this!” she shouted, “Yes, you’re a Spectre but that doesn’t mean you can just go out there and kill defenseless beings on a whim! If that’s what you think you’re as bad as Saren!” Shepard paused, her hands clenched at her sides and sheathed in blue. 

“There will be an investigation Commander Shepard. I’ll see to it!” 

“Let’s just hope there’s a galaxy left to hear your claims when this war is over.” Shepard shut off the comm, and her hands gripped the console as her head fell forward. For a brief second, he wanted to reach out and touch her. He wanted to look at her and see past today. He wasn’t sure how. 

Before he could speak, the moment was over and she was brushing past him. He reached out and grabbed her arm and she spun around quickly. The force from her turn ripped her arm from his grasp. She glared at him like he was out of line for touching her. “I’m going to the cabin,” she answered simply before turning and striding away from him. He followed seconds later. They met at the elevator, and he could feel the space and the confusion between them. It was like they were back on Mars, like the last few weeks hadn’t happened and he hated it. 

The elevator doors pinged open and they stepped on, Shepard first. She leaned back against the wall and her head fell back, her eyes closed. Kaidan stood in front of her, he couldn’t look at her. He felt like he didn’t know her, and that terrified him. He could feel her, though, behind him. Her eyes on him as the elevator started its slow ascent. 

His heart was pounding in his head as he ignored the increased breathing behind him. His hands clenched at his sides and his teeth were clamped shut. He almost didn’t hear her, over the rushing of blood in his ears, when she finally spoke. It was a whisper, “Kaidan,” her voice broke as she said his name. He hated that she sounded so fragile, and meek, but she was anything but. He couldn’t respond, fear of saying something he didn’t mean froze his voice. He simply turned his head and allowed her to see his profile. It was the only way he acknowledged she’d spoken. “Kaidan, I know you’re angry with me,” her voice was trembling, and her biotics were erratic. “But I can’t breathe,” she finished on a choked sob, and he turned towards her just in time to stop her from falling. 

He didn’t know what happened before. He didn’t know what caused her to behave the way she did today. He didn’t know if he agreed with it. He did know he loved her. He did know she needed him. He did know he would always be there to catch her. 

Catch her he did; he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her into him. Her arms wound around his neck, and she buried her face in his neck. She wasn’t crying, not really. No tears were falling but her body still shook with force of her emotions. She couldn’t stand on her own feet. He shifted as the doors opened behind him. One arm moved behind her knees as the other supported her back and he lifted her. He carried her over the threshold of their cabin, her face hidden against him. He said nothing. He didn’t tell her everything was okay, nor did he promise it would be. 

He moved into their space and reached the couch, he sat, keeping her on his lap and holding her against his chest. His hands moved up and down her back as she clung to him, trembling. He took slow, deep breaths as if trying to show her how to breathe. As he felt her biotics start to ignite, he clamped down on his own, keeping them in check, hoping hers would take their cues from his. She didn’t move, she didn’t even lift her head, she simply trembled. He dropped his head, burying his face in her hair and held on.

Eventually, she stilled. Her white knuckled grip on his shirt eased and her breathing settled. He loosened his grip on her, but he didn’t release her. She turned her face up and met his eyes. His breath caught in his throat at the pain he saw there. “You deserve an explanation,” she whispered, he said nothing, he just nodded. She pulled away, and he let her. She moved off his lap and onto the couch next to him. She reached up and pulled the pins from her hair, letting it fall down her shoulders. She folded her legs before her and faced him. Her eyes remained on her fingers. 

“During my time with Cerberus,” she started and it sounded like there was something lodged in her throat. Kaidan turned towards her and stretched an arm out along the back of the couch. His hand rested near her shoulder. “I started by gathering the crew that The Illusive Man picked out for me. Samara was one.”

“I know, I read your reports,” he reminded her, and she nodded.

“Right, well, you read the reports I wrote,” she continued, her eyes darting to his before dropping again. “After I assembled the crew … we all knew what we were signing up for. We all knew the chances of us returning from the Omega 4 Relay. We knew it was a suicide mission. I made the offer to the crew, if they had any loose ends they wanted tied to let me know. Samara’s loose end was her daughter, Morinth, an Ardat Yakshi.”

Kaidan realized that was the explanation for the missing time in her reports. 

“Morinth was just hitting her stride. She was leaving behind a body count every where she went. The problem was catching up to her. Samara wouldn’t hear about the deaths until after she moved on to the next planet in the next system. She managed to track her down to Omega. She felt it was her responsibility to stop her,” Sloan paused and scrubbed her hands over her face. “We needed to get her attention without alerting her to Samara’s presence. We needed bait. That was me.”

She kept her eyes down as she spoke. Her face pale, her lips dry. She picked at her cuticles. “Ardat Yakshi, when they mate, they take over the minds of their partners. It’s almost like they devour them, they become stronger and smarter after every kill while their partners are left hemorrhaging to death in the aftermath. Thane, Samara, and I went to Afterlife which is where Morinth would hunt. Samara had to stay out of sight, and the only reason Thane was there was because I was so terrified. I hate the thought of something invading my mind, and knowing the kind of power I was going up against…”

“Sloan, Liara always said your will made you a difficult target,” he reminded her gently. Liara had difficulty even after Shepard trusted her.

“Yeah, she did, but that was before. This is after I woke up and I was confused. I remembered leaving my family behind, again. This was after Anderson turned me away. It was also after seeing you on Horizon. I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to fight. I just wanted it all to go away. Thane knew that, we’d talked at length about it. He promised I would never be alone with her, even if it felt like I was. Anyway, she took the bait. We ended up going back to her place, and well,” she paused, and cleared her throat. “I could feel her, trying to get in. She showed me things I wanted, she promised me I could have them. She promised me I could go back to the darkness…,” her voice trembled again as she continued. She cleared her throat, and choked out the words, “Kaidan… I let her.”

Her words hung in the space between them. She let her. He reached out then and took her hand, as if holding her hand would somehow tether her here while reminding him she was alright. “Thane, I don’t know where he came from, but suddenly he was just there. I’m not sure what happened after that. I know Samara killed Morinth and Thane carried me from the building. Kaidan, Morinth made me want to die.”

“Is that why you stayed behind on the Collector Base?” As soon as Kaidan asked the question, Shepard’s eyes widened and her jaw dropped just slightly. The question surprised him almost as much as it did her. 

“How did you…?”

“Thane. He slipped into a memory while we were talking at the hospital.”

She didn’t say anything for a while. She looked at her hand in his and sighed, pulling away from him and lifting her knees to her chin. She wrapped her arms around her legs. “Yes, I guess,” her admission was quiet. “What did I have at that point? The Alliance, the Council….” She met his eyes for a quick moment before turning away. “You walked away from me. I was exhausted. I was brought back to stop the Collectors. When that bomb went off, my job was done,” she lost her voice as her eyes glistened. “I just wanted to … I just wanted to be done.” 

“You had no thought for what losing you again would do to your friends?” he asked, anger welling up in his chest. He knew she was upset, and that this conversation was difficult for her, but he couldn’t ignore his own feelings and reactions just because she was. 

“I wasn’t thinking about them, Kaidan. I had been fighting this war, alone, for over a year between Saren and the Collectors. Sure, there was two years in the middle there, but not for me. I died and it didn’t even stop then. I was brought back, a gun was put in my hand and I was pointed at the enemy. To them, I was a weapon, what I wanted didn’t matter. I woke up asking for you and it didn’t matter. By the time I got to the Collector base, I didn’t think there was a chance for this,” she gestured between them when she spoke. “What was left here for me?”

“I was still here,” he insisted, and she narrowed her eyes at him.

“Were you, really?” There was venom in her tone, and Kaidan cocked his head at her. “All those missions you went on after Alchera. Sure, I wanted to die on the Collector station. You’re not going to tell me you weren’t trying to die then. I’ve seen suicidal soldiers, Kaidan.”

His heart raced in his chest at the accusation. He’d told himself so often that he was just moving to move. Working to work through the grief and keep living. She’d called him out, and hearing the words from someone else startled him. “Maybe,” he admitted.

“You didn’t think what losing you would do to your friends? You parents?” she threw his words back at him, and he bristled, shifting in his seat and glaring at her. She waited for him to respond.

He didn’t know what he could say. “I blamed myself for your death, Sloan. I shouldn’t have left you. I should have stayed with you and made sure you got to the pod.” She rolled her eyes and started to speak, but he cut her off. “No, I know. I know you’re going to tell me you gave me an order and I had no choice but to listen but it’s more than that. I love you. I’m supposed to keep you safe.” She snorted. “I know, it’s antiquated. I know you can take care of yourself. You met my father, ‘Walk her home, and make sure she gets to her room safely,’ was the order he gave me that night at the bar. That’s my dad. That’s how I was raised and I left you there. I left you and you died. It was my fault, and I hated myself.”

She whispered his name, but he didn’t stop.

“So, yeah, there were days, months, really, where I felt guilty being alive. So, I figured if I took the hard assignments and died, well, I deserved it,” His voice was hoarse as he spoke, but part of him was glad he was talking to her about this. 

“I don’t understand,” she admitted quietly. He looked up and met her eyes. “You have family.”

“I do, but I wasn’t thinking about them,” he repeated her words and she nodded. “It was easier. It was a temporary escape, with the possibility of permanence. Shit, it was better than being sand blasted all day.” As soon as the words slipped through his lips he froze, staring at her. Her eyes narrowed and she stared at him, waiting for him to elaborate. He didn’t. The silence filled the space between them, and he knew he had to say something, but he didn’t know what. 

“What?” she snapped, her face twisted in confusion as he turned away from her, resting his elbows on his knees.

He was seventeen again. He was pulling his hood low over his head as he walked through the misty Vancouver evening. He left the alley and turned towards his parent’s house. The bag of red freedom tucked low in his pocket. He kept his eyes down. The thrill of breaking the law, of having the substance in his possession, the knowledge that he’d taken the money for it from his mother’s purse all added to the moment, in a way he would never be able to explain. 

He was in his room. The door was locked and his hair was still damp from the wet weather. He could smell the spicy, metallic aroma of the narcotic as he dumped a dose on his bedside table. He cut it into a line and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. The excitement was high in his chest, he could feel it, the aching need for oblivion. He lowered his head and inhaled quickly through his nose, while plugging one side. 

He froze, mouth open and eyes closed as the drug mingled with the tissues in his nose and in his brain. The dull hum of his biotics were forgotten with everything else. It was placed by a satisfying numbness. The tension of the guilt, anger, and disgust he always felt when he looked in the mirror evaporated on his exhale. He let himself fall back against the pillows and closed his eyes again. His body tingled, but it wasn’t a biotic tingle. It was the distinct absence of the sense of touch that he craved. 

He nearly cried with relief as it mixed with his bloodstream, promising him hours of comfort. 

“Kaidan, what did you just say?” Shepard’s voice brought him back into the cabin and he turned his head towards her, meeting her wide eyes. 

He cleared his throat. “It was after BAaT,” he admitted, and he felt the bile in the back of his throat at the utter disappointment and shock on her face. What a change from an hour ago. “I was running from Vyrnnus, and what I had done to him. I didn’t ask for this, for any of this,” he paused and sighed rubbing the back of his neck near his implant. “I wanted to forget and be someone else. About a week after I was home, I ran into another student from BAaT. He was tweaked, strung out, but he looked … I don’t know … happy. He didn’t even seem afraid to speak to me which was much different than anyone else I had run across. He told me about red sand. He told me about the high, and how it helped you forget. He said, ‘and you’ve got plenty to forget about.’ He gave me a hit for free and told me to call him if I wanted more. I took it home, I stared at it for days.” he paused, and looked to her face again. It was void of judgment. She was just listening. Taking it all in. His heart raced as he confessed. 

“I woke one morning after a violent nightmare. My room was trashed. I must have been flaring in my sleep. My parents were both gone, for the day, work I guess. I pulled the bag of sand out of the bedside table and snorted it.” Kaidan admitted, wondering how this conversation went from her killing the Asari to him confessing his deepest secret to her. “I can’t tell you how it made me feel. I can’t put it in words. It was like … the weight of what I had done was lifted and I could fly. I could sleep without nightmares. It numbed everything. I couldn’t think, so there were no thoughts of BAaT sneaking in my head in the middle of the day. It was bliss, and I fell in love with it.”

She whispered his name and he ignored it. 

“It was about two months later, I was using two, three times a day. There wasn’t a day that I wasn’t completely stoned. My dad came to me,” he let a sad chuckle pass his lips as he thought of his father. “He told me he knew what I was doing. He said he knew there were things I couldn’t tell him. He asked me to remember that he and my mom loved me. He told me I had a choice. I could go stay with my grandparents at the Orchard and get clean, or I could get out of their house. I denied it, and we argued. Then, before I knew what was happening, he hugged me, he just wrapped me in this big bear hug and I fuckin lost it. He took me to the Orchard that night.”

She reached out to take his hand, he let her but his head was still reeling. He was looking at his feet. He couldn’t bring himself to look at her. “Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“I never told anyone. It’s like, after I was clean, I just pretended it never happened. I was lucky I never got caught. I’d never have been able to enlist,” she linked their fingers, and Kaidan felt crowded. He turned and met her eyes. “I’ve never done it since. I’ve been clean since then.”

She nodded, “Okay.” He returned the nod and turned away again. They were silent for a long time and she let her head rest on his shoulder. He hadn’t thought about that time in his life in years; he hated how vulnerable it made him feel. She spoke softly into the room before he could, “Do you think there will be an investigation after today?” He was surprised by the concern he heard in her tone. It reassured him that she was affected by the events of the day and he sighed and kissed the top of her head.

“I don’t know,” he replied, “but as much as I hate to admit it, you weren’t wrong with High Command. You were there as a Spectre and you did tell Samara that you weren’t rescuing anyone. Who knows, maybe she killed herself knowing you’d kill Falere. Knowing that was right, and you would do it when she wasn’t in your way.”

“Maybe,” Shepard agreed and stifled a yawn. He glanced down at the time and was surprised by how late it was. 

“I still have to write up my report,” he reminded her, and she nodded pulling away from him. She didn’t stand, she just curled up on the couch and closed her eyes. He stood and went towards the door.   
He paused at the bottom of the stairs when she spoke, “I’m sorry if I upset you today.”

“I’m scared for you,” he admitted as he looked down at her, she looked so small, so fragile curled up on the couch. “As right as you were today, the Asari have a point, too. You know damn well you can’t go around executing everyone you see just because you’re scared.”

“I’m not Saren,” she insisted, her eyes narrow and cool.

“No, you’re not,” he agreed, and she nodded. He watched her roll over so she was facing the back of the couch. Not yet, anyway. It was an after thought, and one he couldn’t say to her, not now. He made himself, and her, a promise: he would try to help her. To help her leave herself a way out. When they won this war, he wanted to be able to take her away somewhere, not have to visit her in some alien prison because she was found guilty of war crimes.

He left the cabin and went to the Starboard Observation Lounge. His mind spun with what he had learned about her, and what he had remembered and shared about himself. His memories were so vivid, it scared him. He went to the bar in the Lounge, and poured himself a drink.

It was going to be a long night.


	72. Chapter 72

Kaidan scrubbed his hands over his face as the elevator doors opened in front of him. He stared at the door to their cabin for a long few minutes. The conversation he'd had with Sloan hitting him in the gut. He sighed and stepped towards the door. It was too much to think about, and it made his head throb just slightly. Regardless of anything that happened today, all he wanted was to wrap himself around Sloan and sleep. The door opened and allowed him to enter their sanctuary. He hadn't drunk nearly enough to be inebriated; his metabolism burned it off quicker than he drank it. He glanced towards the bed, expecting to see Sloan sleeping among the sheets.

It was empty.

He stepped further into the room and found her curled up on the couch, fast asleep, and still dressed in her BDUs. He closed the distance between them and knelt near her head. He reached out and let his fingers slide down the side of her face. Even in sleep, she reacted to his touch, tilting her face towards his hand. "Sloan," He whispered her name, and she winced; her eyes squeezed tight. "Shepard, come on, you should get into bed," He added, leaning forward and placing a kiss on her cheek. She nodded against him.

He pulled away, and watched as she sat up. She opened her eyes and met his. She looked grumpy, her lips pouting and her eyes clouded with sleep. She cleared her throat, "Are you coming to bed now?" Her voice sounded small.

"Yeah, I am." He couldn't help the smile that tugged at the corners of his mouth. "Bathroom first. I'll be right there." She nodded and he stood, going back up the stairs to their bathroom. He heard her rustling around as he took care of his basic needs. By the time he finished and emerged, he was struck still by the image before him. Shepard had stripped, her BDUs were still lying on the floor by the bed, and crawled under the blankets. She was stretched out across the bed; her arms wrapped around a pillow. Her curves illuminated by the glow of the fish tank.

He sighed, and leaned against the desk and watched her for a moment. She seemed so small, so fragile, so feminine as she slept there. It was such a contrast, such a beautiful contrast to the ugliness in her eyes earlier that day. He let a deep breath out through his nose as he stepped closer to the bed. He climbed in next to her, and she rolled towards him. She wrapped her arms around him and rested her head on his chest. He placed a kiss to the top of her head and slowly ran his hand through her hair.

That was three days ago. 

The following morning, Sloan had made the rounds to the crew, apologizing. She wasn't apologizing for her decisions, she didn't even offer the explanation to Garrus, but she did apologize for how she treated the crew when she returned. Then, she'd called a meeting and explained that she had to meet with Aria T'Loak and go to Omega. In return for the assistance of her mercenaries, she had to help the crime boss retake the station from Cerberus.

She had to go alone.

Kaidan hated it. Fear and anxiety mixed in his core as he listened to her reasoning. She avoided his eyes as the meeting came to an end. He stood at the table opposite her as the crew filed out. He leaned forward slightly and held the edge of the table, his head turned towards the door. He waited for it to close before turning back to Shepard. She was facing him; her arms crossed over her chest. "I'm coming with you."

"No, you're not," Shepard argued and Kaidan sighed roughly. Pushing off the table, his hands buried in his hair, tugging in frustration. "It's not that I don't want you there. It's not that I want to go alone. I have to. It was part of the agreement with Aria, and you heard Hackett, it was worth it. It was necessary, and now I have to go do my part."

He turned dropped his arms to his sides, his hands fisted in anger. He knew their hands were tied. "When are you leaving?" His voice was low. He was scared. He didn't trust Aria, not in the least, and while Aria's mercs were helping, if something happened to Shepard, all hope would be lost. Then where would they be?

"She's sending a shuttle for me in a few hours," she paused and checked her tool for the time. "Two, to be exact." He sighed and walked around the table to her. His hands ran gently up and down her arms and she tilted her head back to look into his face. "I wish there was more time before I left. So much was said last night." Her eyes dropped and he reached out and placed a finger under her chin, lifting her head up again. He saw the uncertainty in her eyes, and it twisted his gut.

"We're okay, Sloan, we'll be okay," he promised, and she closed her eyes and nodded. He leaned forward and kissed her forehead, his arms moving to wrap around her waist. Her hands slid up his chest and over his shoulders. He pulled her into him and held on. He felt her sigh. Her lips were warm when they pressed against his neck, softly. He shuddered. She pulled away just enough to see his eyes. He dropped his head and pressed his lips to hers.

Instantly, she was kissing him back. Her hands fisted in his shirt and her body pressed into his. One hand slid up her back, and the other down to her rear. She whimpered into his kiss. Their lips moved together as their tongues tangled. Desperate to be closer, to try to heal the bruises their admissions the night before had left. He turned slightly, his hips pressing into hers as she was pinned between him and the table.  


Before he could set her on the table, before he could move his fingers to the buttons of her top, she pulled her lips from his and pressed her hands against his chest. He licked his lips, his eyes closed as he caught his breath. "Sorry," he rasped, "got a little carried away." She let a chuckle slip from her lips as he stepped back slightly. She reached up and traced his face, her fingers danced over his cheeks and lips.

"Me too," she admitted, clearing her throat before promising. "I'll be back soon, and we'll make time."

_That was three days ago._

It took a little convincing, but Joker and Vega managed to get him to agree to a game of poker in the Lounge. He figured it would give him something else to think about, to focus on, not to mention the drinks they'd share. He had to admit, the idea was enticing. That was how he found himself four beers in, holding two pairs, and surrounded by crew – no – friends.

"Fold," Cortez uttered weakly, dropping his cards face down and leaning back with his beer. Kaidan's eyes darted to Garrus. The Turian's mandibles twitched quickly, seconds before he, too, folded. Donnelly was next, the engineer quickly bet, his white knuckled grip on his beer hinting at his unease with his decision. Joker tossed in his chips without a second thought. Kaidan's eyes flicked to James, who met his stare.  


Kaidan added his chips to the pile, and James's face was stone still as he looked down to his cards. He looked back up to Kaidan and the Lieutenant made him a little nervous. He didn't have high cards, but he was sure his two pair were better than what James had, at least he hoped so.

James bet and Traynor dealt, lying the River card face up on the table. The card solidified Kaidan's full house, and he made sure not to react as Donnelly folded. Joker folded. Kaidan's eyes met James's again. He glanced at his chips, then his hand, then back up at James before betting. The Lieutenant's eyes narrowed, trying to determine whether or not Kaidan was bluffing. James called, and Kaidan swallowed hard.

They laid their cards down, and Kaidan grinned when his full house beat James's three of a kind. He pulled the chips towards him. "Tell me again why you wanted to play?" Kaidan asked as he eyed James's short stack of chips.

The marine snorted, as Traynor collected the cards. Kaidan enjoyed the moment as the group taunted and teased each other. It was light, if brief. The door to the room opened and Liara breezed in. Kaidan couldn't help but notice Vega's eyes dart to the asari, and follow her, as she moved through the room. Interesting. She planted herself near Javik. Kaidan hadn't realized the Prothean had entered the room.

James caught Kaidan watching him, and before Kaidan could say anything the Lieutenant turned to Joker, "Hey, man, where's EDI?" Kaidan lifted his bottle to his lips as Joker glanced at him.

"She's on the Bridge; someone has to pilot my baby," Joker answered, picking up the cards as Traynor dealt them.

"Yeah, but she doesn't have to be on the Bridge to pilot the ship. She is the Normandy, after all," Donnelly's bright Scottish accent added, and Joker shifted, his eyes moving nervously to Kaidan.

"She felt that some … people ... might be uncomfortable if she were here," Joker explained, and Kaidan let that sink in for a moment as he lifted his cards. It was clear by Joker's sideways glance that he was referring to him. He hadn't seen much of EDI since he'd been back on the ship. She was always absent from the Bridge. The SR-2 was a big ship, but it was still a ship. At some point, you're going to run into everyone on board. There are only so many places one can go.

"EDI?" Kaidan called out into the room; his eyes flicking to the camera near the ceiling, knowing she could see them.

"Yes, Major?" Her disembodied voice filled the room, sounding equally amused and embarrassed. It was a tone Kaidan didn't think was possible, but she managed it.

"Is this why you're never on the Bridge when I stop up?"

"Yes." Her admission was simple, and she was free with it. She didn't try to beat around the bush and hide. She was caught, and she admitted it. "I know the reaction you had the first time you saw this platform, and I didn't want to cause any undue stress."

"Well, EDI, are you going to try to kill me?" he asked, as he looked at the cards in his hand.

"A direct attack on you would be inefficient. If I wanted you dead, I would simply vent the room you were in," EDI responded, the lightness of her tone was gone and he couldn't stop the chill that traced his spine as he turned towards Joker. The room was silent as the pilot stared at the camera near the ceiling. He scolded her by speaking her name, his voice laced with disapproval. "That … was a joke."

The table chuckled, and a warmth spread through Kaidan. It helped numb the anxiety as his mind drifted to Sloan. He knew she would have enjoyed this. He sighed, "Hey, EDI?"

"Yes, Major?"

"Call me Kaidan," he insisted as he placed his bet. She agreed, and he thought he heard a smile in her voice. "And stop hiding."

"Yes, Kaidan. Logging you out," her words sounded slightly embarrassed, and Kaidan smiled as he looked at the crap cards in his hands. He checked the time. It was later than he expected. He lifted his beer to his lips and drained the bottle as the chatter continued around him.

"Garrus," he leaned over and met the Turian's gaze. Garrus nodded to acknowledge he'd heard him. "Have you heard back from Tali?" At the mention of the young Quarian, Garrus' mandibles twitched and Joker grinned. Kaidan had the distinct feeling that he was missing something.

"Not yet," he answered stiffly, and Kaidan caught a hint of worry in the undertones of his voice.

"I'm sure she's fine, Garrus," Liara spoke up as she sauntered over to their table as Javik left the room. Kaidan's eyes darted to James, trying to confirm his suspicions. The Asari stood between James and Cortez, her hand resting on the back of James' chair. Kaidan thought he noticed the young man sit just a little straighter. He bit back his smile. He'd have to run his suspicion by Shepard when she got back. "There has not been much news from the Far Rim, but that does not necessarily mean there is Reaper involvement," Liara added as she met Garrus' concerned stare. "I have sources who have reason to believe they may be looking to retake Rannoch, but nothing has been confirmed."

"That sounds like a great plan! The Reaper invasion wasn't enough for the Quarians? They decided they wanted another war?" Joker shook his head, his distaste at their desire to reclaim what was lost, while untimely, was not lost on Kaidan. Images flashed before his mind's eye. Images of Vancouver falling beneath the Reapers.

"They are just rumors right now," Liara reminded the pilot, as she shifted, crossing her arms over her chest and cocking her hip. Kaidan couldn't help but think she looked a bit like Shepard at that moment. The confidence in her stance radiated from her. The pilot snorted and tossed his chips into the pot. "Garrus, I am sure she will be just fine."

"Yeah. This is the longest she's gone without getting back to me," Garrus offered that piece of information, and Kaidan chose to remain silent, again. He hadn't known anything had developed between Garrus and Tali, but he wouldn't be surprised by it. Clearly, he had missed a lot more than he had realized. The play continued around the table, with each player placing their bets. Kaidan focused on his cards, and the tells he had picked up from the crew. Liara and Traynor spoke quietly.

"So, Major," James started, and Kaidan's eyes lifted to his. "You and the Commander, huh?"

"What about Shepard and me?" Kaidan asked, unsure why he felt the need to be so defensive. Shepard and he had been discreet, and they had the security of also being Spectres. There were no fraternization rules among Spectres. He also knew the Alliance had more to worry about than Shepard and his relationship.

"She seems happy," Cortez interjected, folding and leaning back in his chair to watch the hand play out.

"I bet she is," Traynor added. "Getting laid regularly will have that effect on a woman." All eyes turned to her. She looked up from the cards she'd laid out and her cheeks instantly reddened at the collected gaze. Kaidan couldn't believe she'd been so blunt. After a few seconds, James roared with laughter, and Traynor seemed grateful for the broken moment, though she avoided Kaidan's eyes as he finished his drink. "Sorry, Major. That was uncalled for." He simply shook his head, still smiling, and placed his bet. His eyes met James's, and he waited for him to say something.

"I don't know about that," James said, "Shepard is definitely in a better mood than when she was in Vancouver, but that could just be the thrill of the fight. It's probably got nothing to do with Alenko." Kaidan didn't miss him drop the formality. He was goading him. He wanted him to react. He was distracting him. He probably had nothing in his hand, and his pot was low. Kaidan decided to go with it, to beat him at his own game.

"Sex is as important as eating or drinking, Vega," Kaidan offered as the play moved around the table. Each player folding, and leaning back to watch the interaction between Kaidan and James. James raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to finish his thought. His eyes flicked to Traynor before he continued, "It holds the universe together. I make sure Shepard never goes to sleep hungry, or horny." Kaidan raised the bet.  


James looked to his cards, and the dealer's cards, and called the bet. "I don't know Viejo, can you keep up with her? She's all young, rebuilt, and strong. You might break a hip," Kaidan ignored the laughter behind him as Joker snorted, joining Garrus and Donnelly's chuckling. Cortez tried to reign in his friend, but James was having none of it. Kaidan looked to his hand. He had a straight. The odds of James having a stronger hand were slim. He was desperate not to go out.

James went all in, pushing the last of his chips into the pot.

"Know what comes with age, Vega?" Kaidan asked, and James cocked an eyebrow in response. "Stamina." Kaidan pushed his chips into the pot calling Vega. He could see Vega swallow when Kaidan called his bluff.  


James laughed, and it was forced. He was trying to keep up his charade. Kaidan had the feeling he knew he was beat. "I'd be worried, Viejo. Shepard is a gorgeous woman, sexy as hell, and there's a lot of young, strapping marines here, on the ship, on the Citadel, ready to take your place should your ticker give—"

"But would this marine go down on me in the elevator until I'm biting my tongue to stop myself from screaming?" Kaidan spun in his chair at the sound of her voice. The table erupted into laughter, loud riotous laughter at the look on James's face. Kaidan's heart raced as his eyes landed on her. She was leaning against the doorway, watching them, her arms crossed over her chest and a smile on her lips. The sight of her, and the sound of her voice, warmed him like birds chirping after a long, cold winter. He couldn't stop grinning. She simply held her hand out to him.

"Fold," he said as he stood and crossed the room, taking her hand. James called for him to come back and finish the hand, but Kaidan wouldn't; he won when her hand slid into his. Shepard called good night to their friends as she waved with her free hand. James shouted something about it being a public elevator; Kaidan barely heard any of it. "You're back," he whispered it, so happy to see her alive and in one piece, as she led him towards the elevator. He noticed a bit of a limp, but when she turned and smiled at him and his worry melted away.

"You were winning?" She asked gesturing behind them as she pressed the call button for their quarters. Kaidan shrugged, his eyes locked on her, drinking her in. She blushed under his stare. "Kaidan," she whispered his name, and dropped her face from his.

"I worried," he offered, and she looked up again. He linked their fingers and the door opened beside them. He walked backwards pulling her with him. He didn't stop pulling as the elevator doors closed. He wrapped her arm around him before securing her against his chest and searching out her lips with his. They met in a kiss. It was instantly hungry, intense, and filled with everything they had experienced; the anxiety, fear, desperation, and loneliness of the last few days. He felt the smooth fabric of her underarmor beneath his hands as they roamed over her waist and back. He turned and pressed her into the wall.  


She broke their kiss with a hiss, and a hand against his chest as the other went to her abdomen. Worry cooled the fire raging in his veins as his eyes moved from her face to her hand on her belly. Her eyes flooded with tears, and she trembled slightly, "It's fine." She insisted, but Kaidan wasn't having it. He took a moment, to really see her. She was exhausted. Dark circles made themselves at home beneath her eyes. Her lip was split and her jaw was bruised. He took her hand when the doors opened and led her into the bathroom, saying nothing. She followed, her uncertainty clear in the dragging of her feet. She whispered his name as he turned on the shower.

He turned to her, leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss on her lips. He pulled back and reached behind her head to remove the pins from her hair. The chocolate locks fell down her back, matted with dirt, sweat, and blood. He turned her around, and unzipped the under armor. He watched as the fabric pulled away from her skin. He tried not react to the various bruises, scrapes, and cuts that decorated her skin. She'd clearly been through something rough. He knew she'd tell him later; right now, it didn't matter.

He turned her around. She was fully nude before him, but there was no hormonal reaction. He was in medic mode, strictly professional; well, almost. His hands caressed her arms, gooseflesh rose in its wake. He found the spot that had caused her to wince in the elevator. A grotesque bruise on her abdomen, just above her hip. It was various shades of red and purple, and Kaidan could tell it was new. It would be many different colors before it was fully healed. He sighed and met her eyes. She was chewing her broken lip. He reached up and cupped her chin, pulling her lip from between her teeth. With his eyes on hers, he slipped one hand behind her head. With quick, practiced movements he removed her amp, and closed the port. He stored the amp in its case before turning back to her.

He ushered her into the shower, and watched as she stepped under the water. She seemed to melt. She remained standing, but he almost worried she'd fall asleep standing in the shower. She was clearly drained; there was nothing left. He stripped quickly, and efficiently, before joining her. She jumped, startled, when his hands touched her hips. She turned her head towards him and met his eyes. He reached next to her for her shampoo. He was methodical taking no extra time to touch or caress or ease his want. His biggest desire at this moment was to get her into bed so she could sleep as quickly as possible. She needed rest to heal. A soft moan slipped from her lips as his fingers moved against her scalp. He turned her, and let the water rinse the shampoo from her hair.

He moved to her body, sudsing her sponge before starting to slowly massage away the grit and grime from Omega. Her body trembled, but Kaidan knew it wasn't from pleasure. His hands moved over her scrapes and bruises and he clenched his jaw. If T'Loak was before him now, he'd kill her for whatever she'd put Shepard through the last few days. He finished washing her and stepped under the stream, ignoring her eyes as they moved over him, watching him clean himself.

Her eyes were drooping. He felt the concern twist in his core. He stepped out of the shower and took her hand. He wrapped her in a towel, and felt her sigh as she leaned forward and pressed her forehead to his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. He made quick work of drying them. He wrapped the towel around her, and one around his waist, before guiding her to sit at her desk. He brushed her hair out quickly. Her eyes closed, and her breathing even. When he finished, he left her sitting there and pulled back the blankets before walking over to her, and grabbing boxers and a shirt. He slid the shorts on before walking to her. He took her hand in his and she stood. He slid the shirt over her head, and she pushed her arms through the sleeves. It was his shirt, and it hung below her hips. She looked so small. He leaned forward and kissed her forehead before guiding her to bed.

They climbed in together, and instantly she rolled to him. Her head pillowed on his chest. His hand running through her damp hair as her breathing deepened. He felt his fear, his worry, his anxiety slip away every time his hand passed over her head, with every breath she took. He smiled and kissed her forehead as she rested.

"Oh, I almost forgot to tell you," She whispered, sleep lacing her voice. He hummed his response as sleep tugged at him. "Aria kissed me." He spluttered and she turned her face to his chest. Her lips resting against his skin. "Yep, right on the mouth."

"What? Why?" He asked, he was only curious really, he knew Sloan wouldn't have provoked it.

"To thank me," she explained through a yawn. He made a noise of understanding. "She's a great kisser," Kaidan froze at her words as her head rested back on his chest. "She does this thing with her tongue…"  


"Why are you telling me this?" he asked, his gut twisting uncomfortably.

"You were the one talking to your boys about our sex life," she replied through a smile. Kaidan chuckled, and leaned down to kiss her proper. His tongue sweeping through her mouth and she moaned against him. Her body pressing against his instinctively. Her leg lifted and wrapped around his hip. He wanted her, but not like this, not half asleep and sore. It had been too long for that. He broke the kiss and she whimpered softly. He chuckled from deep in his chest. "Okay, you're better." She sighed as their bodies twisted together and sleep claimed them.


	73. Chapter 73

Warm, clammy hands gripped his back. Sensibly short, perfect nails broke his skin. Choked sobs followed by shallow gasping breaths shook him from slumber. As consciousness returned, he glanced down at Sloan. She was clutching him tightly, he hissed as the pain of broken skin intensified. She was choking; hot tears rolled down her face. Her eyes were pressed closed.

“Hey, hey, hey,” he started trying a whisper, but slowly increased the volume as she struggled with her terror. “Sloan,” He spoke her name firmly just by her ear. His arms wrapped around her and pulled her into him. Hoping the security of his embrace would ease some of her pain. With one huge gasp she woke. Her eyes wide, empty, and cold as they stared up at him. He threw his leg over her and pulled her even closer. “Sloan, you’re okay. I’m here. You’re here. You’re okay,” he promised her as he held her, and she broke.

Loud, hollow sobs racked through her body as she clung to him. He wasn’t sure how long she cried. He held her, his mind wandering as he considered what would cause these nightmares. This seemed different, though; different from the other nightmares she’d had. She didn’t flare. She wasn’t being defensive, or offensive for that matter.

Eventually, the trembling stopped and she quieted. He pulled away just slightly. His skin slick with her tears. He released her enough to wipe her face. She kept her eyes down. “Sloan,” he whispered her name, afraid anything louder would startle her. She looked up and met his eyes. “Will you tell me this time?”

She cleared her throat and pulled herself closer to him. He sighed, and was surprised when she started to speak. “This was different tonight,” she admitted. Her voice was hoarse as she spoke, no doubt from the coughing and gasping she had done, and that was before the crying. “While we were approaching Omega, Aria ran her ship into the station to try to breach their defenses. We ended up having to abandon ship. Lights, alarms, sprinkler systems, I didn’t think about it at the time but, it was all very … familiar.”

Oh God.

“Usually, when I dream, when I have nightmares, it’s about the people we’ve lost. They haunt me. They blame me. They tell me I should have been able to save them. They’re not wrong,” he started to interrupt her, to reassure her, but she continued like he hadn’t started speaking, “Tonight, we were on the SR-1. We were above Alchera, and I was….”

He didn’t make her finish. He leaned forward and kissed her, soundly, as if to reassure both of them that she was here, alive, and okay. He pressed her closer to him, pulling his mouth from hers, he tucked her head in under his chin and held her as he felt the emotion rising in his chest. She let out a shaky sigh pressing her lips against his bare skin. His sight blurred as he blinked back tears. He knew it was a reality. He knew that, any day, one of them might not come back from a mission. He didn’t know what he would do if he lost her again. He dropped his lips to her ear, “I love you.” She didn’t answer; she just held on tighter. Eventually, sleep took them again.

Kaidan woke and knew he was alone. Still, without opening his eyes, he swept his arm out along the bed. Empty sheets met his searching hand. He opened his eyes and, sure enough, she was gone. He sighed and pulled himself out of bed. He reached his arms over his head and the joints in his shoulders and back popped. He dressed quickly, eager to find Shepard, to make sure she was okay. He stepped onto the elevator and asked EDI if she knew where Shepard was.

“Shepard is down at the Drive Core,” EDI responded simply. Kaidan thanked her and chose the call button for Engineering. He stepped off the elevator and passed through the doors, just missing the reporter Diana Allers. He had been successful in evading her since his return to the Normandy. The fact that their cabin was off limits without an invitation was helpful. He wasn’t sure how much longer he’d be able to avoid her.

Engineering was vacant, which was unusual. Adams, Daniels, and Donnelly were noticeably absent when he stepped into the room. He expected there to be at least one engineer on duty. He moved forward, passing their terminals and finding Shepard standing before the drive core. He wondered if she had asked them to leave her alone, and swallowed hard. Maybe she wanted to be left alone. He thought of the way she had held him the night before and decided he didn’t care.

The core itself was large, larger than on any other ship. The Element Zero used to power the ship was contained within the core; removing any risk of radiation poisoning. Still, the power it gave off caused a sheen of energy to dance over the sphere. It was similar to the glow any biotic had when using their powers. The room was filled with the familiar scent of hot metal and the bitter tang of the eezo. The hum of the core was pleasant on his skin. His hair stood on end. His nerve endings were stimulated as his own amp buzzed with the proximity of so much power.

The glow was enough to hide her in her own shadow. He could make out just her outline against the sphere. It was an image that burned into his brain; something he knew he would never forget. She gripped the bar in front of her with her arms straight to the sides. Her head was down, and her shoulders were forward. Her weight was on one leg, the other foot crossed behind.

His mind’s eye showed him a moment from a distant memory. In the kitchen of their hotel room in Vancouver. She was wearing only his shirt. She was silhouetted by the light in the fridge. She reached up with one bare foot and scratched the calf of her bare leg with her toes.

When he stepped onto the grate, moving towards her, the metal clanked beneath his boot. She turned just her head towards him. She wasn’t startled, just acknowledging his presence. He closed the space between them, standing behind her, almost touching. He leaned forward and whispered, “You left without waking me.”

She offered a half smile, leaning her head back and resting it on his shoulder. “You looked so peaceful. I didn’t have the heart.” Her voice was quiet, just loud enough for him to hear over the core. He felt the stirrings of arousal as she took a minute step back and pressed herself against him.

He let out a throaty chuckle, “Well, I appreciate the thought but, next time, wake me.” His hands slipped over her hips, and his arms wrapped around her waist. He buried his face in her neck and she sighed deeply. She leaned back against him, and he supported her as her hands came up to rest over his arms. They stood in silence for a minute, and he enjoyed simply holding her. “Why are you here? Did you scare away the engineers?”

She let out a light snort. “After I left you this morning, I felt … I felt odd. I don’t know, kind of numb. I hadn’t felt like that for a long time. Not since I left Cerberus. I used to come down here, and just,” she stopped and was silent for a long time. “Do you feel that?” she asked him. “The energy, the pulse. It feels like … life. It used to help when I got like this before. It would help ground me. I was hoping it would again.”

“Did it?” He pressed his lips to her neck, and her hands gripped his arms tighter as she gasped lightly.

“No, not at first,” she answered on a sigh as her head tilted slightly away from him, exposing more of her neck. He continued to press gentle kisses to her sensitive skin. When she didn’t continue, he pulled back and waited for her to look at him, she met his eyes, “not until you showed up.” He leaned forward and kissed her; he couldn’t help himself. She returned the kiss eagerly as one hand came up to hold the back of his head. She turned in his embrace, her arms winding around his neck as his hands roamed her curves. She moaned against his lips as he expertly navigated her body.

The kiss was fierce, demanding, and it ignited a fire that would not be quenched. His body reacted to her, and he knew she felt it. It had been too long. The kiss broke when her hands skimmed down his front. He felt one hand curl around the buckle of his belt. He gasped; his eyes flew open and met hers. “Sloan,” Her name was a plea on a groan as she unbuckled his belt. He took over as she moved to her own clothes.

They didn’t care that they were, essentially, in public. They didn’t care that anyone could walk in. Caught in the moment, washed away by the lost opportunities, rational thought was not present. He took her, there in engineering, before the drive core. His pants at his knees and hers dangling, tangled in one boot as the other lay forgotten beside them. It was fast, desperate, and needy. Hands grasped, and the sounds of their pleasure were drowned out by the core.

It didn’t take long for either of them to finish. Their sensations were heightened by the power in the room. The emotions of the last week, Shepard’s absence, and the starts and stops prior was effectively two weeks of foreplay. Shuddering and gasping they clung to each other, Kaidan had her pressed against the railing, her legs around his waist as their bodies settled. Their kisses slowed, passion draining from them as reality returned and he set her on the floor. Their eyes met, and they grinned through their blushing. They dressed quickly; trying, yet failing, not to look like guilty, love struck teenagers.

Hours later they were called to the conference room by both Traynor and Garrus. Kaidan had to admit he was grateful that he and Shepard were able to go about their day like nothing had happened. Garrus had initially called the meeting; he had heard back from Tali and it was what they had suspected. The Quarians had engaged the geth to try to take back their homeworld. Kaidan couldn’t help but feel the burn of frustration at their poor timing. Tali was requesting assistance with their fight, in return the Quarians, the largest fleet in the galaxy, would join their cause.

Kaidan noticed the hope in Garrus’s eyes. The Turian was clearly worried about Tali, and wanted to help her, but he knew in the end it was Shepard’s decision. Kaidan never doubted that she would help Tali; not only because they were friends, but the Quarians did have the largest fleet, and there was no doubt it would be needed for the fight against the Reapers. Shepard agreed and asked Garrus to let Tali know they would head for the Far Rim immediately.

Traynor interjected before Shepard ended the meeting. Apparently, there was a group of ex-Cerberus scientists that were requesting assistance. They had defected from Cerberus and were in hiding, but Traynor believed Cerberus had found them. “We could use them on the Crucible,” Shepard muttered as she considered the galaxy map. “Garrus, tell Tali we’ll head out there as soon as we collect the scientists. Let her know we should reach her in three day’s time. Joker,” she called to the pilot. He replied immediately. “Set a course for Gellix, what’s our ETA?”

“Four hours, Commander,” Joker answered and Kaidan felt the gentle shifting of the ship as it altered course.

“Very well,” Shepard stated, “I’ll be taking Vakarian and Alenko groundside. Gentlemen, be ready to drop in four.” She dismissed the room, and the crew went their separate ways. Kaidan turned towards the Bridge as Shepard made her way towards her terminal near the galaxy map.

“Hey, Joker,” Kaidan greeted as he stepped up behind the pilot. He noticed the grin on Joker’s face, but he chose to ignore it. “EDI, lovely to see you.”

“You, as well, Kaidan,” EDI answered; her voice sounding almost as amused as Joker looked.

“What’s so funny?” He asked, apprehension building in his core as he shifted from one foot to the other. Joker and EDI exchanged a look and Kaidan swallowed hard.

“Well, you know there are cameras all over the ship, right?” Joker asked, spinning his chair around to look Kaidan in the eye. Kaidan thought back to Shepard and his tryst earlier in the day and felt the heat rising from his collar. He knew his cheeks would be colored with the embarrassment as he asked Joker to make his point. “Well, generally, if something starts somewhere that shouldn’t be on camera, I’ll turn it off. And there are places where there are no cameras, the bathrooms, and the elevator, but the drive core… well… for security purposes, I can’t turn the cameras off in there.” He was grinning, and Kaidan took a deep cleansing breath as he decided he couldn’t care. What’s done was done.

“Well, I hope you enjoyed the show,” he answered with a shrug. He swallowed hard and looked out towards the approaching relay. He nodded his head and the pilot spun again chuckling.

“Kaidan,” EDI spoke up, and Kaidan turned and met her eyes. He was astonished at the humor he could see there. He never would have thought he would be able to see emotion in an AI’s face, but EDI was growing more and more human every day. It amazed him. “While we are incapable of turning off the cameras, I was able to adjust the angle to ensure nothing was captured by the devices. Your,” she paused and mimicked the sound of a throat being cleared before continuing, “rendezvous was not recorded.”

Kaidan felt the relief wash over him like a wave. “Thank you, EDI,” he sighed. Joker was chuckling, and Kaidan couldn’t help but laugh with him for a moment. He’d had to admit he’d had images of the video being released, or pictures showing up in magazines. Spectre Porn Special. He sighed, and turned on his heel. “I guess we’ll have to keep it to the elevator then, huh?” he added as he left the Bridge to Joker and EDI’s good natured chuckling.

The mission on Gellix was quick, and Kaidan sensed Garrus was grateful that they were already on their way to the Far Rim. They’d managed to swoop in and collect the scientists who had defected. They’d been surprised to learn that it wasn’t just the scientists, but their families who were being hunted. They had children with them in hiding. Shepard was surprised to see Jacob Taylor among them.

He was ex-Alliance, and now ex-Cerberus agent who had taken it upon himself to keep the scientists safe. Kaidan recognized the name from Shepard’s reports. He’d been with her on the Collector Base. Small galaxy. Kaidan was more than happy to get them on the Normandy, and then on their way to Hackett. The scientists would be working on the Crucible, but it was more than that. Kaidan decided quickly he didn’t like Jacob. There was something about the way he spoke to Shepard, like he knew her, that rubbed him the wrong way.

While discussing Jacob’s time since the Collector Base, the man admitted he’d been in a steady relationship with one of the scientists, Dr. Cole. Shepard had teased him about settling down, and Jacob agreed. Shepard then commented that she was a bit jealous, and Jacob laughed. When she asked why, he stated she would never be able to settle down, that the Normandy and the Alliance were the true loves of her life. They were in the cargo bay, waiting for Hackett’s shuttle and Kaidan had been standing nearby when the man made the claim. Kaidan felt himself tense at the accusation. He needn’t have worried. “It’s a good thing your job wasn’t to read people, Taylor,” Shepard responded, her voice clipped and cool. “We spent nearly a year on the same ship and you know nothing about me.”

She’d turned on her heel, and seemed surprised to find Kaidan so close. She met his eyes, and gave him a warm, reassuring smile. Kaidan returned it, feeling all the negativity of the day seep from his pores as she continued past him and to the elevator. He heard Jacob huffing behind him, but remained silent. One of the scientists, Dr. Cole, was speaking softly to Jacob. Kaidan couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off, and he couldn’t wait to get them off the ship.

It wasn’t much longer before the shuttle arrived. The scientists piled on and Kaidan gave the all clear for them to go. Hackett was still anxious for more help on the Crucible. From the specs Kaidan had seen, it was the most massive project the Alliance had ever undertaken, and the importance of it was immeasurable. He just wished they had some clue as to what it did. Once the shuttle was on its way, he left the cargo bay and went to the CIC. The elevator doors opened just as Shepard was stepping down from the Map.

Their course was set. Their ETA to the Far Rim was just about three days; they were crossing the galaxy to get there. He was anxious to see Tali; he’d missed her, though, no where near as much as Garrus had. Kaidan never would have thought a Turian could be giddy, but if there was one word to describe him, that was it. Kaidan suspected he’d be spending a lot of time calibrating the guns to keep his mind off the passing time.

He waited on the elevator for Shepard, when she stepped on and the doors closed he reached out and took her hand. “Hey,” he offered and she smiled and leaned her head on his shoulder.

“Hey,” she whispered her reply, and looked up and met his eyes. This time, they made it to the privacy of their room before clothes came off.


	74. Chapter 74

Kaidan must have read the message half a dozen times. With every word, he could hear her voice as if she was in the room with him. He could hear the tremble when she spoke of her fear, of her pride, of the work she was doing. He could hear the conviction in her tone when she demanded he take care of himself and insisted that she knew they would win and that he would come home. 

He knew his mother was a survivor; his father had told him as much, in his own way. He leaned back on the couch in the Starboard Obs and let his eyes fall on the stars outside. He took a deep breath and let it out, slowly, through his nose. She was still safe, still at the orchard, but not alone. Not only was his family there, but she had started a safe house. She was taking in refugees and housing them. The orchard had the room for it, and the steady supply of food between the farms and livestock. She had close to thirty people staying with her, mostly children, and they all worked together to take care of each other. 

He felt his chest swell with pride, and his eyes filled with tears. He wished he was with her. He wished, more than that, that his father was there with her. At the thought of Alex, his throat burned with repressed emotion. It wasn’t often he allowed himself a self-indulgent opportunity to think of what was happening, of what they were losing. Not only his family, how broken they were at this point, but humanity. Images of Earth burning flashed before his closed eyes and he took a deep breath to quell the rising anger. 

He hated that they were out here, gathering support, pandering to politicians instead of fighting. They’re soldiers, and they’re stuck, stagnant, while planets seared around them. He sighed and sat forward, pulling up the message from his mom again. He read over the words, and told himself she was okay. The fight was continuing on Earth and their work was necessary. His thoughts drifted, as they usually did, to Shepard. He remembered a conversation from a lifetime ago. She never wanted this; she wanted to fight, not talk. If he was feeling this frustrated, he could only imagine how she was feeling about wasted time. 

He finished reading the message and felt the tugs of regret that he couldn’t send her a reply. Not from where they were, anyway. It would have to wait until they were back on the Citadel, whenever that would be. He still hadn’t heard from any of his students, but that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. They were trained to survive, and if he had trained them well, they would be hard to find. They would be in hiding. Still, it would be nice to know if they were okay. It would be comforting to know they had met up with Anderson to assist with the resistance. 

There wasn’t much more that he could do, not alone. He forced himself to his feet. Saving the message from his mother, he decided to check with EDI and see if she would be able to help with his search and contact attempts. He was mildly surprised when he stepped off the elevator and found Garrus leaning near Traynor, whose smile held an amused understanding. Kaidan’s eyes flicked towards the door that led to the war room, and the conference room. Shepard was still meeting with the Quarians. Garrus’s arms were crossed over his chest as his eyes darted to the door every time there was a sound from that direction.

He was tense, and anxious, and Kaidan couldn’t help but smile. He met Traynor’s eyes as he passed. “Hey, Garrus,” Kaidan greeted, and the Turian jumped just slightly. He returned the greeting absently as Kaidan continued, shaking his head, to the Bridge. 

He stepped onto the Bridge, and EDI greeted him immediately. “No, Kaidan, Shepard’s not done with the Admiralty Board, yet.”

“I wasn’t going to ask,” Kaidan answered, as he looked down to the panel before Joker, watching the pilot’s hands as they controlled the ship, keeping her steady. He never failed to impress. 

“Good, Garrus asking repeatedly is enough,” Joker sighed, and turned to face Kaidan. “Did you need something?”

“Yeah, but not from you,” Kaidan turned his attention to EDI, her eyes moved to him. “EDI, I have some students who were left on Earth, and I’ve not had much luck getting in contact with them. Would you be able to help?” She seemed to assess him and his request, and her scrutiny was unnerving. While she seemed more human every day, she was still, technically, a machine, and the machine that tried to kill him once. He was alright with the platform, and he enjoyed her presence, but there was something about those eyes locked on him that dried his throat. 

“Yes, I will begin to monitor communications and activity and see if I can track anything that might be your students,” she offered, and Kaidan opened his ‘tool to send her the information he had on the students so she had something to start with. Kaidan thanked her, and turned to leave. He nodded at the crew he passed as he made his way through the CIC. He reached Garrus and Traynor just as the door opened and the Quarian Admiralty Board filed out. 

Garrus stood straight and waited, most of the Quarians passed and went to the airlock to return to their ship. Kaidan watched them go, he wasn’t sure who was who. He was surprised when Shepard had asked him to skip the meeting. The Admirals knew her, and had experience with her from her time with Cerberus. He respected her request, even though he disagreed. He was a Spectre, and a Major in the Alliance, and had every right to be in the room, but still he waited. 

Finally, Shepard and Tali emerged, their heads turned to each other as they chatted. Kaidan felt a warmth in his chest at the smile on Shepard’s face. She looked up and met his eyes, and he swore he fell for her all over again. Tali stopped and turned her attention to Garrus, whose mandibles fluttered under her scrutiny. Her eyes glowed from inside her helmet, and her hip was cocked as she greeted him with her softly trilling voice. 

“Hello, Garrus,” she spoke softly and Kaidan and Shepard exchanged an entertained glance. 

“Hey, Tali,” he offered, “It’s good to see you’re all right.” 

“You, too. I’m sorry about Palaven,” Her concern, and sincerity was clear in her voice, as she reached out and placed a hand on his arm. Garrus’s eyes dropped to her touch, and he reached up and covered her hand with his. 

Kaidan cleared his throat, and Tali took a step back, dropping her head slightly. Garrus glared at him, and Kaidan raised an eyebrow before turning his attention to Shepard, who was grinning. “We’re heading to a geth dreadnaught. We have to disable the reaper signal coming from the ship. This will allow the Quarian to get their ships out without suffering further losses,” Shepard announced. “Once we’re in range, we’ll determine the best way to infiltrate. I want you both at the Bridge in twenty so we can make our decision.” Garrus watched Tali, and Shepard and Kaidan moved towards her terminal to give them the illusion of privacy.

“I can’t believe they chose to do this now,” Kaidan offered as Shepard turned and leaned against her terminal and looked up at him. “The timing is terrible.”

“You’re telling me. I told them, if I didn’t need their fleet, I wouldn’t be here. I don’t have the time, and we don’t have the resources to take on the geth right now. Unfortunately, there are bigger fish,” Shepard said, crossing her arms over her chest. Her eyes were on Garrus and Tali, and a smile pulled at the corner of her mouth.

Kaidan glanced at the pair over his shoulder. Garrus handed her something small, and Tali’s weight shifted towards him just barely. Under normal circumstances, it would have been inconsequential, the gentle redistribution of weight, the shift in her balance, and the angle of her hips. For Quarians, though, their faces were hidden by their helmets. There was no eye contact, not really, you couldn’t see them smile or blush – did they blush? They communicated largely through body language and tone. Kaidan wasn’t an expert on body language, but he had a feeling she reciprocated Garrus’s feelings. 

He was happy for them, and hopeful they would have the opportunity to explore their relationship. He heard Shepard sigh next to him. “This fuckin war.” He turned back to her, and found her eyes locked on their friends, before darting up and meeting his. She hated this as much as he did. He wanted everyone to be safe and happy and loved. “Why didn’t anyone listen to me?” She was whispering, but the desperation in her tone was not lost to him. “We could have found the plans for the crucible months ago. It could have been built before they got here. I bought us time at the expense of the Batarians and for what?”

Before Kaidan could answer her, Joker called to them over the comm. They were approaching Rannoch and the geth dreadnaught. Kaidan simply reached out and squeezed her hand, briefly, before they turned and started towards the Bridge. Garrus and Tali fell in behind them. “What have we got, Joker?” Shepard asked as she stood behind the pilot.

“A shit storm, and that’s putting it mildly. There’s debris everywhere. Ships actively fighting. Is that a liveship with guns attached? Fuck, Tali, what were your people thinking?!” Joker asked as he engaged the stealth systems and slowly navigated the field. 

“I wish I could answer you, Joker,” her voice was heavy with regret, and sadness, and Kaidan’s heart broke a bit for her. She hadn’t wanted this. 

“Can we override their controls at the docking stations and enter that way?” Shepard asked reaching out and pointing in front of Joker. They could, but the bays were all full; except one, but that one had been severely damaged in the fight. 

“Yes, Shepard, my cyber-warfare protocols are well equipped for that task; however, all the docking stations are occupied, except one, and that one is shredded.” EDI’s response sounded somber, and Kaidan could almost hear Shepard considering their options. 

“Shepard, it’s too risky,” he offered and she turned and looked at him.

“For the whole team, yeah, but I can secure the docking area and the rest of you can follow me over,” Shepard ordered Tali and Garrus to gear up and she stayed with Kaidan. They continued to monitor the situation. Kaidan looked at what was left of the docking bay. It was, just EDI said, shredded. Shepard was planning on spacewalking through an active firefight on a piece of tubing filled with holes, and small spaces of connected metal the only thing stopping it from floating off into space. His chest constricted at the thought of her out there, he was surprised she was so eager. “Let’s go.”

They fell into step together, and his hand brushed hers accidently. He let out a breath through his nose. He thought of the way she woke, screaming and sweaty, crying and clinging to him. He thought of the night she woke, gasping for air, terrified that she’d been spaced. It was obvious to him she was still struggling with what she had been through; why couldn’t she see it? 

She didn’t want to see it.

As soon as the elevator doors closed, he turned to her. “Sloan, you can’t do this.”

She sighed his name, her head dropping and her hand coming up to pinch the bridge of her nose. “Don’t start.”

“No, I mean it. Tali could do it, same as you, and she’s the better choice.” Her eyebrow cocked at him. “She was never spaced,” he reminded her, and her icy blue stare shot daggers through him. He stood firm, bracing himself for her anger. 

“You don’t have to remind me,” she growled, crossed her arms over her chest and cocking her hip. “You don’t think I can do it.” 

“No, Shepard, I know you can, I don’t think you should,” he answered, straightening to his full height, and making her look up at him.

“I’ll be fine.”

“And if something happens, and the tube disconnects, and you're drifting out there until one of us can come get you, you’ll be fine then? Weightless, floating, with no sense of direction, no sense of up or down? You’ll be fine?” Her eyes narrowed at him, and he heard her swallow. “You won’t wake up in the middle of the night gasping for air?”

“Fuck you,” she snapped almost before he got the words out and hurt flashed in her eyes before she looked away from him. It was a low blow, and he knew it. He took an intimate moment of theirs, something personal, and he used it against her. “I’ll be fine.”

“Commander Shepard.” His voice was hard with command, and he saw her spine straighten instinctively. A reaction ingrained in her from years of Alliance training. He saw the betrayal in her face when she turned her eyes to him.

“Yes, Major.” She resented him, it was clear in the gravel in her tone, and the hardness of her eyes. Her stare dared him to continue, dared him to pull rank and issue an order.

“Tali’s going to do the spacewalk.” He ordered her. He pulled rank. For the first time in their relationship, he overruled her. He knew she would be angry with him, but he couldn’t let her put herself through that; he couldn’t let her pride risk herself, or the mission, not when there was someone else who could handle this responsibility. 

“Yes, Sir,” she growled at him, and he could feel her anger radiating off her. The elevator doors opened, and she stormed off. Garrus and Tali looked up as she approached. Garrus took one look at her and his eyes flicked to Kaidan. The Turian knew Kaidan had done something to piss her off. Kaidan went to his locker to pull out his gear. “Tali, are you okay to do the space walk?” she asked the Quarian as she quickly stripped to her skivvies. 

“Of course, Shepard, I’ve lost count of the number of space walks I completed on the flotilla,” Tali answered, her voice unsure and Kaidan could feel her looking at him. 

“Good, you’re going to do the walk and free up the bay for Garrus and I to follow. Major Alenko is going to stay behind and help Joker and EDI on the Bridge.” Kaidan froze, his shirt half off. He pulled it back down and met her eyes. She was furious, he could see it. She was testing him. Testing to see if he would pull rank again. He wouldn’t. He’d accept her order; show her he did still trust her. 

“Yes, Ma’am,” he answered with a shrug of one shoulder as he tucked his shirt back into his pants. Still, the tension filled the bay, suffocating them. He was grateful James and Cortez were out of earshot and not witness to the power struggle. Kaidan waited, though, until they were suited up. Garrus and Tali walked ahead of Shepard toward the elevator, and he stopped her by grabbing her hand. She ripped it from his grasp and glared at him. He kept her eye contact, placing on hand on her shoulder and adding just enough pressure for her to get the hint to turn. 

She did, and he checked the closures on her armor. He could feel the tension in her as he did. He knew he’d set her off, and he knew this wasn’t the end of it. 

He’d do it again.

He finished and she strode away from him without turning and looking at him. He let her go, letting the elevator doors close before he ran his hands through his hair in pure frustration. He should have expected it. He should have known she’d leave him behind; that didn’t mean he had to like it. He went to the elevator and pressed the call button. 

He reached the Bridge just as Tali was getting set to leave. “She gave you Turian chocolates?” Tali trilled at Garrus, whose mandibles fluttered just slightly.

“She said she saw them and thought of me. I’ll share if you’d like,” he offered, innocently enough. Kaidan was sure he missed the teasing tone in Tali’s voice. He was going to enjoy watching this develop. 

“Only if they’re sterilized first,” Tali added, a note of disgust to her tone as she turned toward Shepard. Kaidan was grateful for the momentary levity, but it was broken when Shepard spoke up.

“All right, Tali,” Shepard started without looking at Kaidan. “Get across the tube, and we’ll follow once it’s free.”

“Sounds good, Shep. I’ll see you on the other side,” Tali said, and Kaidan noticed Garrus’s hand flick towards the Quarian just for a second as she stepped through the airlock. Shepard turned, glared at Kaidan, and moved to stand between Joker and EDI. 

They couldn’t see Tali yet, Kaidan doubted they’d be able to. The Bridge was silent, save for the running systems, as they waited. It felt like hours went by before Tali’s voice echoed over the comm. “That ship is enormous! No wonder the fleet made such minimal damage.” Kaidan could only imagine the view she had as Shepard replied easily, and gently reminded Tali to focus. The silence stretched on for a few more seconds, before they heard the Quarian gasp. “Keelah,” her voice shook over the comm. 

“What’s the matter, Tali?” Shepard asked as she leaned to try to see her through the window. An intact section of tubing blocked their view. 

“It’s … Rannoch. She’s beautiful,” her voice held a quiet wistfulness, laced with utter sadness. They allowed her a moment, and heard her sniffle. Shepard asked if it was better than a vid, and Tali’s voice trembled when she spoke a single word, “Better.” They heard her starting to move again, the heavy clunk of her magboots against the metal tubing. Shepard was rocking on the balls of her feet, itching to move, to be doing something. 

The silence stretched on as they listened to her breathing, “How are you doing Tali?” Garrus asked when the quiet became too much. 

“The lack of gravity is disorienting, but the dreadnaught has artificial gravity, so I’ll be fine once I’m inside,” she responded, sounding determined. It was as if the sight of her homeworld gave her the added drive to get to the other side, to stop the geth. Kaidan wondered if it had changed her mind on whether or not the fleet should retreat or attack once the geth signal was disrupted. 

“Take your time, we’re fine here,” Joker offered, his voice thick with his usual sarcasm. “That is, until they look out a window.” Shepard kicked his seat and he snorted. 

“Geth don’t use windows, remember?” Tali replied, her tone light and unphased by her current status. “Structural weakness.” The banter continued for a few moments more, and then died out as Tali continued the walk. Kaidan began to feel foolish for insisting Tali did the walk. The tube was holding up much better than he had thought it would. Maybe Shepard had been right, maybe she would have been fine.

No sooner than the thought crossed his mind, they heard metal scraping and snapping and instantly Tali was cursing. Kaidan gripped the back of Joker’s seat and leaned forward just as Shepard did. “Tali! Tali, are you okay?” Garrus sounded frantic as they listened, waiting with bated breath for her response.

The tubing had detached. They could see it drifting away from the dreadnaught. Shepard’s hand snatched Kaidan's as if on instinct. Kaidan laced their fingers and held on. Tali would be fine, she had to be. If not, they could go get her. The silence from her end of the comm was deafening. 

After a brief eternity, Tali muttered a few choice curses over the comm. Her breathing heavy in their ears, and her voice shook when she spoke. Her fear was not lost on them. “I’m fine, I’m okay. It broke under my feet, but I’m okay. I’m at the ship already. It fell behind me. I’m okay,” she promised them, and Garrus muttered under his breath. Kaidan wasn’t sure what he said, but the relief was clear in the way his shoulders relaxed and his head dropped down. It sounded to Kaidan, as if in reassuring them she was okay, Tali was also reminding herself. She continued after a moment of deep, shuddering breaths. “The tube is, well, it’s gone, obviously.” Nervous laughter rang through the comm. “I’ll have to get inside and free up another dock. Stand by.”

Silence filled the Bridge, and Kaidan glanced down at Shepard. Her eyes were bright, wide in surprise as she stared at him. He squeezed her hand gently, and she returned the pressure. “Okay, you’re all clear,” Tali announced, and Shepard dropped Kaidan’s hand and turned to Garrus.

“All right, Vakarian, let’s go get your girl,” she teased, and Garrus bristled as Shepard led him from the ship, snorting. Kaidan’s hands balled into fists at his side. He hated watching her leave. “Joker, once we’re inside I want you out of here and at a safe distance. There’s too much activity this close. Keep our girl safe.” Her order was understandable, but Kaidan’s stomach rolled as Joker pulled the Normandy away from the Dreadnaught, leaving Shepard, Garrus, and Tali behind.


	75. Chapter 75

Kaidan was slightly surprised when EDI got up and left the Bridge. She made an excuse about needing to be down in the AI core. Kaidan, even with the concern eating up a majority of his focus, didn’t miss the way EDI’s hand rested on Joker’s shoulder as she passed him. Joker looked up at her face, and gave her a smile before turning his head to watch her leave. He glanced at Kaidan as the Major slid into the co-pilot’s seat. 

“Just like old times, eh?” Joker asked as his hands, ever confident, continued to skim over the interface before him. Kaidan felt the chuckle slip out, though it was more of a nervous laugh than anything. Joker seemed to take his lack of a real response appropriately, and turned all his attention to his work. Kaidan logged into the console and pulled up his medic program, before linking into their comms. He listened to their banter as they made their way through the ship. His eyes darting from the rainbow of colored coding to the team’s vitals. 

He wasn’t sure how much time went by. Tali, Garrus, and Shepard seemed to be in good spirits as they worked together. It was clear they were a team, a team that knew each other, and their skills, well. Shepard and Tali even joked about their mission on the Collector base. Kaidan ignored the stab of guilt in his core as their lighthearted bantering continued. 

When the first geth attacked, Kaidan’s back straightened and he leaned forward over the console; as if moving closer would get him closer to the battle. He strained to hear her as his trigger finger twitched. She was always vocal in battle. She grunted when she fought hand to hand. She cursed under her breath, filthy words slipping out of her sweet mouth and perfect lips. She screamed when she Charged. His favorite, was the way she roared when she followed a Charge with a Nova. He could see her, sheathed in blue, the air around her shifting and pulling him with her, but only for a step before she shot across the area. She’d slam into the enemy before her deafening bellow escaped her as her fist came down to their feet. He could see the shock of blue electricity as the nearest foes were tossed onto their backs, fried and never standing again.

He listened for all of this, with his eyes closed. So long as he could hear her, she was okay. They were making their way through the ship trying to reach the Operations Center. It was hard for him to be stuck listening, especially when he had grown so accustomed to being with her, and watching her back. He had to trust Garrus and Tali. He could do that. Garrus would keep her safe.

Minutes ticked by as he counted the rounds fired. It was taking too long. His leg bounced, and his fingers tapped the console as he watched the med program. They were closing in on the ops center when they were attacked by even more geth. Kaidan was receiving information from the trio, information on the geth and the signal. He was grateful for it; it gave him something to do. He paused when they realized their path to the ops center was blocked, and they’d have to bypass it. He listened as they worked through the problem. He felt a sense of pride as Tali came up with a plan to get them to the drive core. She had grown so much from the young, timid Quarian they had met in a back alley on the Citadel.

Before they could move forward with their plan, more geth attacked. With every geth platform dropped, the geth’s attack grew more desperate and violent, the benefit of a collective consciousness. He continued to filter through the data that had been sent to stop himself from panicking as he listened. Joker glanced at him, and Kaidan met his eyes, knowing the pilot was just as concerned as he was. 

They listened as Garrus teased Tali about the effectiveness of her combat drone. Joker turned to Kaidan with a grin. “Are they … flirting?” Kaidan chuckled, but his reply was cut off by the Quarian Admiral Raan sending through a communication. The heavy fleet was taking losses. The geth were simply too strong with the reaper enhancements. 

The desperation in her tone killed any levity their friends’ flirtation had brought to the bridge, and Kaidan swallowed hard as he listened to the geth attack again. He didn’t know how much more of this he could take. He may have to get up and leave, to stop listening to save his sanity. He shifted in his seat and pulled up the medic program to full screen, checking their vitals, and their medi-gel supply. He sighed. 

Finally, after what felt like ages, they reached the drive core. Kaidan felt relief begin to trickle down his spine. They were almost done, they’d be back on the ship soon and he would see that she was okay. He made himself a promise, right then, that he’d hold her extra close that night, if she’d let him. He hoped she’d forgiven him for pulling rank. 

He listened as Shepard confirmed the Reaper tech in the drive core, and then, he heard a distant, “Shepard Commander, help us.”

“No, shit,” Joker breathed as he shifted in his seat, sitting straighter. “It’s Legion,” Joker explained to Kaidan’s unvoiced question as Shepard said the same. Kaidan’s mind flicked back to the reports he read. Legion was the geth she’d met during her time with Cerberus. The geth who had worked with her to stop the collectors. He sat back and listened as the team debated whether or not they should trust Legion. 

Shepard, however, was adamant that she could, and would. As they worked to free the platform, Legion admitted that the geth allied with the reapers, but only after the Quarian attacked. The geth wished to live, and knew that an alliance with the “Old Machines” would help them do so. Once they freed Legion, the Reaper signal vanished and, to show its cooperation, Legion disabled the dreadnaught’s drive core, rendering the ship they were on defenseless and without weapons. 

Before they had a chance to evacuate, more geth attacked. As Kaidan listened to them fighting the geth, he patched in to the Quarian’s communications. He waited for them to give the order to retreat. They didn’t. They bickered over whether or not they should leave, or continue their assault. To leave would be to forfeit the war for Rannoch. To stay would risk their live ships, the entire population of Quarians. Not to mention Shepard and her crew still aboard the dreadnaught. 

They gave the order to stay. They gave the order to continue to fight. He heard Tali and Shepard arguing with the Admirals as they gave the order to attack the dreadnaught they were on. The Quarian ships opened fire on the dreadnaught. They opened fire on the ship with Tali - their Admiral, Garrus - their Ally, and Shepard - the woman he loved, still on board. 

“There are still Admirals in the War Room?” Kaidan didn’t recognize his own voice. 

“Yeah, but,” Joker answered and Kaidan barely registered when the pilot shouted for him to stop. His boots pounded on the bridge as he ran. These bastards were firing on Shepard, and they ordered the attack from the War Room of the Normandy, of her ship. Kaidan’s biotics hummed beneath his skin as he reached the door. When it opened, he ran right into the barrier guarded by Westmoreland and Campbell. 

He glared at the guards. “Let me pass,” he ordered, and it was an order. There was no doubt in his tone, or the way he looked at them. His heart pounded against his chest, and he could feel the bile rising in the back of his throat. These bastard Quarians were executing Shepard. He was going to lose her again. The ship would be destroyed, and she would be killed, because he obeyed her, because he left her. Again. 

“I’m sorry, Sir. It has come to our attention you may have the intention of harming the Admirals on board, and we are not allowed to let you pass,” Westmoreland insisted. Kaidan flared, and both Westmoreland and Campbell were pushed back a few feet but not knocked down. He didn’t have the capacity to feel guilt for his biotic use. There was no room left behind the blinding terror, and gut wrenching loss. 

He growled, “I am ordering you to let me pass.”

The words were barely passed his lips when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He spun, his biotic sheathed hand clamping around the large man’s throat as he pushed the marine against the wall. He barely registered the identity of his current victim. He wanted the Quarian Admiral’s throat in his hand, but it was James who held his hands up, palms out in a defensive position. “Woah, woah, Viejo, calm down. Joker called me, Shepard’s already off the dreadnaught. She’s fine. Let’s go meet her in the Cargo bay,” Kaidan stared at the younger man. His words barely making it through the panic fog in his mind. James whispered again that Shepard was fine, and slowly Kaidan’s power dissipated and he turned back to the guards. He glared at the pair he was leaving behind, and released James before he made his way to the elevator where Cortez was standing, holding it open for them.

Kaidan stepped on and moved to the back of the car. There was too much in his head at the moment. His anger boiled in his veins as terror settled in his gut. Yet, there was a sense of relief that was dancing in the back of his mind. Relief he found in James’s promise that she’d made it off the dreadnaught. His biotics were buzzing loudly as he struggled to keep hold of them and to calm himself down. 

James and Cortez exchanged a look as the elevator doors opened just as the Normandy’s doors closed and the room sealed. The geth fighter was sitting in the bay near their shuttles. The top opened and Kaidan’s eyes searched for her, his heart in his throat and his skin tingling with the need to touch her and know that she was really okay. Garrus climbed out, and turned to help Tali. His taloned hands careful on the Quarians dainty waist. 

Shepard’s helmet was the next thing to exit the fighter. It flew, clattering to the ground as she pulled herself up. Kaidan watched her climb from the ship and drop to the floor. His eyes moved over her, checking for injuries. She landed hard and when she stood and met his eyes he felt a sense of calm wash over him. She tore her gaze away from him. Her anger seemed to intensify as she whipped off her armor, stripping down to her skivvies before pulling on her BDUs. She was cursing, strings of vulgar threats about the Quarian’s parents, and future children, escaped her tense, red lips. 

She was pissed, with every reason to be, but she was okay. As Kaidan watched her rage, he leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest as his eyes followed her around the bay. With every step she took, every curse she shouted, every movement, he felt more sure that she was fine. Once she was dressed, she stopped, her hands resting on her locker and her head dropped. She took a few deep breaths before she straightened. The bay was silent. Garrus and Tali were removing their armor, and James was seeing to Shepard’s gear. She turned and found Kaidan’s eyes. He was holding the elevator for her. She strode towards him, and they rode the car in silence. He could feel the anger seeping from her. Radiating, her biotics thrumming. It was familiar. It was comforting. She was okay. 

She was in front of him, hands clenched at her sides as the doors opened. She turned her head just slightly to ensure he would follow. He did. She moved quickly through the CIC to security. They passed through Campbell and Westmoreland’s security checkpoint with ease. Kaidan felt a pang of guilt and made a note to apologize to them when the dust settled. They entered the War Room, and the Admirals were oblivious to them through their bickering. Shepard stepped further in to the space than Kaidan did. He stood at a relaxed attention in the door way, as Shepard stood with her arms crossed and they watched. 

Kaidan was unsure of their names, but he watched as they pointed fingers and placed blame. They made threats of treason, and defended their decisions. They were like petulant children; children who were used to getting their way, bickering over who should get to make the next call. He wondered if this was a side effect of living so closely on the flotilla. It wasn’t until one Admiral mentioned Shepard that Kaidan’s attention was captured. “What of Shepard, Gerrel? And Tali’Zorah? You endangered their lives, as well!”

“They escaped unharmed!” The Admiral identified as Gerrel turned, then, and found Shepard watching them. He took a step closer to her and she looked down her nose at him. Kaidan bit back a smirk. “Shepard! The mission parameters changed. You’re military. You understand that.”

Shepard stepped down into the room, taking the stairs slowly and causing him to step back. “No, what I understand is you missing your opportunity to withdraw safely. You forget. The only reason I agreed to help you withdraw is because you agreed to help me against the Reapers. I do not have the time, resources, or energy to take on the geth right now. Now, if I’m going to secure the largest fleet in the galaxy to fight against the largest threat we have ever faced, I have to clean up your mess. This is a battle for another day, Gerrel. What is the purpose of retaking Rannoch if we lose everything to the Reapers in the meantime? Your decision was shortsighted, rash, and simply put it was wrong.” She paused and he started to speak, but she didn’t let him. “Not only did you risk your people by continuing the attack, you fired on a ship with one of your Admirals, a high ranking Turian official, and a goddamn Council Spectre. If I didn’t need your fleet, I’d leave and let the geth have you.” She leaned close, her breath condensing on his helmet. “I suggest you get the fuck off my ship.”

He moved from in front of her, he was muttering something beneath his breath as he went but it was too quiet to be deciphered. He stopped in front of Kaidan, who stood stone still. The Quarian looked up and his glowing eyes met Kaidan’s. He let his biotics flare, just slightly, the energy racing over his frame. The Quarian took a minute step back, and Kaidan smirked before moving out of his way. He left and Kaidan moved the rest of the way into the room. 

Shepard turned to speak with the other Admiral as Tali and Garrus entered the room. Before they could really get into any further planning, Joker’s voice echoed through the room. “Commander, Admiral Hackett is on the comm for you.” Kaidan heard it, there was something in his tone. Shepard must have noticed it, too. Her back straightened and she turned and met Kaidan’s eyes. 

“Thank you, Joker,” she moved passed the remaining Quarians as Kaidan received a message on his ‘tool. It was Joker, telling him to go with her. He cursed silently and followed in her footsteps, entering the QEC just as Hackett’s form materialized. He remained in the back of the room, towards the now closed door as Shepard stood at attention. 

“Admiral Hackett,” her tone was gentle, inquisitive. She hadn’t expected to hear from him, and Kaidan could tell it made her nervous. 

“Commander Shepard. Major Alenko,” the Admiral greeted, and Shepard turned to look at Kaidan for a second. Kaidan didn’t miss the flicker of relief in the Admiral’s eyes. Even across light years, he could tell the Admiral was glad Shepard wasn’t alone. “I have news from the Crucible.”

Kaidan stepped forward, until he was just behind Shepard when she replied. “Of course, Sir; what’s the update?”

“Commander, there has been an attack on the Crucible,” Hackett announced, his voice quick and firm. Like ripping off a Band-Aid. “Our investigation concluded the attack was facilitated by a Cerberus indoctrinated agent planted within the scientists you rescued.” Kaidan heard Shepard swallow. Kaidan’s heart raced as he considered the scientists they had sent to the Crucible. “Jacob Taylor was the indoctrinated agent.” Shepard flared, but Kaidan only felt it, it wasn’t visible. “He managed to plant an explosive device near the plans for the Crucible, as a way to destroy the plans and any chance of us completing it. The belief is that they wanted to destroy the plans, and allow Cerberus to swoop in and commandeer our progress.” 

“Was he successful?” Shepard asked, her voice low, monotone and with a barely suppressed shake. Kaidan’s heart was pounding, his eyes darting from her to the Admiral. He feared what was coming next. 

“No,” Hackett answered, and shifted. “The plans are safe, however- “

“How many casualties?” she interrupted him, and Hackett stood straighter. 

“Half a dozen. The bomb was set to go off while I was working at the station. The best outcome of the attack was to assassinate me, as well as the plans. Seconds before it was set to detonate, Kasumi Goto detected the device. Kahlee Sanders moved in to deactivate it. She was able to save the plans. Ms. Goto, Kasumi, knocked me out of the way before the device went off. There was minimal damage to the Crucible.”

“Hackett, Admiral, all due respect, who died?”

“Jacob Taylor, and three of the scientists were killed in the resulting fire. Kasumi Goto succumbed to shrapnel injuries hours later in the med bay, and,” Hackett paused, removed his hat and held it behind his back. Kaidan heard Shepard swallow. “Kahlee Sanders was killed instantly in the blast.” Kaidan froze, wishing he had heard wrong. “The quick reactions of Ms. Goto and Sanders saved not only myself, but the Alliance’s progress in the war. Their sacrifice- “

“Admiral David Anderson is Ms. Sanders’ next of kin,” Shepard interrupted him, and Hackett, even with his years of experience, was taken aback at the pure ice in her tone. Kaidan was simply waiting for her real reaction. He was primed, ready for it. She was trembling, and her clasped hands behind her back were sheathed in blue. She was barely hanging on to her biotics and Kaidan’s heart pounded as he watched her. “Has he been notified?”

“No, not yet,” Hackett admitted, simply.

“Very well, I’ll tell him,” Shepard responded, “Is that all, Sir?” Hackett’s eyes flicked to Kaidan.

“Yes, Commander,” Hackett answered. Shepard nodded, and cut off the comm. She turned and met Kaidan’s eyes. He barely had time to catch her as her knees gave out. He wrapped his arms around her and, instead of pulling her to her feet, he sank to the floor. He pulled her into his lap. She buried her face in his neck and sobbed. Her biotic energy racing over her form. He hushed her, his arms wrapped firmly around her. She was mumbling something, through her tears, and he couldn’t make it out. His heart broke for her as she fell apart. He tightened his hold on her, as if he held her tight enough, he could hold her together.   
He knew this grief. It burned in his throat and prickled behind his eyes as he buried his face in the crook of her neck.

They held each other for a long time before he could understand her whispers. Long after her biotics fizzled out, and her sobs subsided. Long after her trembling stilled and her arms relaxed. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault.” He didn’t think he’d ever be able to convince it wasn’t.


	76. Chapter 76

Kaidan was on the elevator, returning to their cabin hours after Sloan had learned of Jacob’s betrayal and Kahlee and Kasumi’s death. He had escorted her to their cabin. EDI assisted with the elevator to ensure as few crew saw her with tear stained cheeks as possible. Once in their space, she insisted she was okay, that she had cried herself out. She needed him to talk to Garrus and Tali so they would continue to work with Admiral Raan on the plan for Rannoch. Her personal tragedy could not stop their progress. He hated to leave her, but she was right. The war must go on. 

He obeyed her request, her order, and made sure the business aspect of their day would continue while she prepared to deliver the news of Kahlee’s death to Anderson. EDI was in the process of securing the link to Earth and contacting the Admiral to make sure he was available. 

Finally, the elevator reached their floor and he moved quickly into their room. He found her sitting at her desk. She was in her dress blues; her jacket hung over the back of the chair behind her. Her hair was damp, from her shower, and fell down her back. She had her hairbrush in her left hand and he could see the four pins on the desk in front of her. He said nothing, and she had no reaction to his entering the room. He moved to their closet and pulled out his own dress blues. He pulled them on quickly. “Admiral Anderson will be available in approximately five minutes,” EDI announced into their room. Sloan had no response, so Kaidan thanked the AI. 

He moved back to stand behind her and looked down at her. She was staring at nothing, her gaze was clouded and he ignored the tear that slipped down her cheek. It mocked the make-up she had applied as it left a trail in its wake. Still standing behind her, he reached down for her brush. He took it from her hand, and she sniffled. He ran the brush through her hair. He let the bristles gently scratch her scalp as he smoothed her hair back into a low ponytail. Her hair was cool, because it was damp, and heavy because it was long. It smelled sweet, like plum blossoms. Kaidan’s throat was hot and thick with his own grief as he reached in front of her for her pins. He placed all four between his lips and sent up a silent prayer that he knew what he was doing.

He twisted her hair, the way he had seen her twist it so many times before, and secured it with the same four pins. He felt no small sense of pride when the bun stayed in place. He let his hands fall to rest on her shoulders, and she reached up and covered his hands with hers. “I don’t know how to tell him.” Her admission was a whisper. 

“Sloan,” he spoke her name, and she turned her face up to his, searching for answers he couldn’t really give and he felt her pain acutely in his chest. “You won’t have to.” He knew she understood. Anderson would look at her, dressed in her Blues, with her professional mask covering her own sadness, and he would know something had happened. She would only be confirming his guess. It didn’t make it any easier, but at least she seemed comforted in some small way. 

“You’ll stay with me?” she asked him as she stood and he took her jacket in hand before she could. He held it for her, and she slid her arms in the sleeves. He adjusted it on her shoulders and she turned to face him. He buttoned it, and adjusted the collar before meeting her eyes.

“If you want me there, of course,” he promised before taking her hand. She nodded and forced a shaky smile before leading him towards the elevator. He kept his hand in hers, her fingers tight. He could feel her biotics pulsing with her heartbeat and knew she was not as okay as she was pretending to be. He turned towards her, and pulled her into his chest. She trembled as she seemed to bury herself in him. He pulled back and she tilted glistening eyes to his. His heart hurt at the pain he could see there.

He leaned forward and pressed his lips to her forehead. She sighed and closed her eyes, leaning into him. Her hands slid up his chest and fisted his collar. He held her, hoping he was a source of strength for her, a comfort. He knew that she was about to change Anderson’s life, forever. Losing your love is the hardest thing to survive. Sloan’s death had been harder than the death of his father, and Anderson would always have the memory of Sloan telling him Kahlee was gone. 

After a long moment, the elevator reached the CIC, and the doors opened. Kaidan released her and she took his hand immediately. They walked through the CIC and, to Kaidan’s surprise, she continued to hold his hand. Most of the crew averted their eyes, Traynor hissed at a few which made them look away. Shepard was, thankfully, oblivious.

They passed through the security checkpoint, and Kaidan reminded himself again to apologize. Finally, and too quickly, they were in the comm room. The QEC was activating and Shepard turned and looked at him, panicked. He reached out, straightened a pin on her lapel, and stood at attention. She followed suit, her eyes hardening as she turned towards the Admiral.

“Sloan – Commander,” Anderson had started to greet her warmly, with a smile. He missed nothing though, as his eyes took in her distress and her uniform. Anderson’s gaze darted to Kaidan, who was grateful he had released Shepard’s hand before the connection was stabilized. “What can I do for you? Your message said it was urgent.” Kaidan could hear the tremor in his voice. He knew something had happened, and when the Admiral dropped into parade rest, Kaidan knew he was bracing himself for it. 

“Sir, I’m not contacting you as my CO,” Shepard started, her voice cracking and she dropped her head. Kaidan swallowed hard, and waited. After a few moments, she looked up. Her face stony and Kaidan watched as the seasoned Admiral steeled himself for the blow, “I am contacting you because you are Kahlee Sanders’ next of kin. I am very sorry, Sir. There was an incident on the Crucible, and Kahlee Sanders was killed.” She spoke the words quickly, devoid of personal emotion, and it wasn’t until Anderson whimpered and leaned forward, his hands gripping the bar before him that she faltered.

“Sloan, what happened?” David asked, his voice trembling as tears filled his eyes. Kaidan suddenly felt like he was intruding on a too personal moment. “Tell me.” So, she did. She explained everything that Hackett had told her. That she had died saving not only Hackett’s life but their progress on the Crucible, their progress in the war. She died a hero’s death, even though she had left the Alliance. “Did she suffer?” He asked, his voice a whisper. 

“She was killed instantly, when the device detonated,” Shepard answered, her voice broke with her resolve. She sounded so young when she spoke again, like a child who had disappointed a parent. “David, I’m so sorry. I sent her there. I sent her there, then I sent the scientists there. I should have known Taylor was indoctrinated. I was supposed to keep her safe. I sent her there. Kasumi, Kasumi didn’t even want to join. I convinced her, bribed her practically, and now she’s dead. Goddamn it. David, I’m sorry. I should have done better,” Sloan wasn’t sobbing again this - this was worse. She was beating herself up. She was demanding more of herself than anyone could demand of another person. She was demanding perfection. Kaidan reached out and tried to take her hand. She wouldn’t take comfort from him. His jaw clenched as Anderson stood straight wiping his eyes. 

“You stop that. Do you hear me?” Anderson asked, his voice held an alien tremble and Sloan stood at attention instantly. “This is not your fault. There was no way for you to know Taylor was under their control. Kahlee knows … Kahlee knew this was a risk in her work. It was something we both accepted. I just, I never expected… listen. There’s still a war to win. We owe that to Kahlee. We owe that to her sacrifice. Do you hear me?” Anderson asked, and Sloan nodded. She reached up and scrubbed her hands over her face. She sniffled.

“Yes, Sir,” she answered, and David nodded. They spoke for a brief moment more. Simple platitudes that fell on deaf ears on both ends before they said their goodbyes. Shepard turned her back on the QEC as the connection was broken. She didn’t see the image of Anderson fall to his knees with his hands over his face. Thank god for small miracles. Her hand found his and she turned her face to him and met his eyes. “I have to tell the crew.” He nodded and shot a message to those who knew Kasumi from their time with Cerberus.

The entered the conference room and found Admiral Raan, Tali, Garrus, and a geth – Legion. Kaidan had missed him earlier. It was strange to see the synthetic on the Normandy. He barely hid the twitch of his hand to his sidearm. Instinct. Muscle memory. It wore a piece of her old armor. That bothered him more than he expected.

“Admiral Raan,” she greeted with a nod, the Quarian started to speak until Shepard raised her hand. “We have some Normandy business to attend to before we take on your war. Please, give us the room.” There was a soft sound of disappointment before the Admiral trilled her acceptance of the request, and left the room. There was a heaviness in the room as Shepard leaned forward and gripped the edge of the table. Her knuckles were white with strain. The door opened and Liara and Chakwas entered taking spots on either side of Garrus and Tali. Kaidan met each of their eyes. 

The silence was heavy in the room, and Kaidan clenched his jaw. Thick, cloudy, it was alive and vibrant and coated his throat with every breath. “Shepard?” Liara voiced softly, breaking the silence. She lifted her head and met the Asari’s eyes. “What has happened?”

“Jacob Taylor was indoctrinated and I sent him to the Crucible. He planted and detonated a bomb in an assassination attempt on Hackett. The Admiral is fine, because of Kasumi, but Kasumi and Kahlee Sanders were killed.” Shepard’s voice cracked as the emotion won. Kaidan’s chest clenched with the need to wrap her in his arms and comfort her. He watched as Tali turned into Garrus’ chest. The Turian wrapped his arms around her without missing beat. Liara’s eyes hardened, and dropped to the table. Dr. Chakwas said nothing. Her face stoic, and seemingly without a response. “Taylor was killed, but this attack has moved Cerberus up on my kill list. I am done with them sabotaging us. Liara, I need you to work to find them, any information you can. I am not losing another friend to their traitorous violence. Thane, Kasumi, Kahlee, and even Jacob, will be avenged.”

Liara accepted the order, and Shepard dismissed the room. She asked Tali, Legion, and Garrus to go to the War Room with Raan. Kaidan and she would follow. Chakwas made her way over to the Commander, and Shepard rolled her eyes as the doctor opened her scanner. “Commander, how are you feeling?” 

“I’m fine, Dr. Chakwas,” Shepard insisted, and Kaidan could feel her frustration rolling off her. Chakwas met his eyes, and he tried to keep his concern in check, but he knew he failed. 

“I disagree,” she answered shaking her head. “I’m sorry Shepard, but I’m taking you off active duty for twelve hours. You’re not fit, not right now. You need to rest.” Shepard started to argue, but deflated easily. Chakwas reached up and cupped her face. “You’ve suffered a loss, and you’ll be distracted, and put yourself at risk. I will not allow it.” Kaidan was surprised when Shepard nodded. She turned and met Kaidan’s eyes. She seemed grateful that the decision was taken out of her hands. “See me in the morning, and perhaps I’ll clear you after a good night’s sleep.” Shepard nodded, and thanked the Doctor. She gave her a smile, though it didn’t reach her eyes, before turning and leaving the room.

She reached out and took his hand. “Let’s go see what kind of shit the Quarians got themselves into.” They fell into step together on their way to the door. He allowed her to pass through first, but she waited for him and took his hand. She was holding tight to him, and that made him worry. He was grateful she was so accepting of the doctor’s orders. He knew it was the right decision. He just hoped the Quarians wouldn’t need anything else today. He wanted to be able to stay with her while she was off duty. He wanted to be there to comfort her and to make sure that she did rest. 

They entered the War Room. Kaidan could feel her reluctance to release his hand, but she did. His eyes moved over those assembled. Tali, Garrus, Legion, and Admiral Raan. He was momentarily distracted when Raan started speaking. Another Admiral, Koris, sacrificed his ship to take out a planetary defense canon the geth were using to rip apart the fleet. He was currently alive, and stranded on Rannoch with little to no protection. “We’ll go get him,” Shepard agreed, before Legion spoke up.

The geth’s oddly digital voice was warm, and vibrated almost pleasantly. It was something that surprised Kaidan as he listed to it warn them that while the reaper signal was no longer being broadcast throughout the area, it was still on Rannoch and would be repaired soon. 

“How long do we have?” Shepard asked, her voice steel. Kaidan winced. He knew how drained she was. 

“Approximately 12 hours before the geth are back at full strength.”

Shepard nodded and reached out and braced herself on the table. Kaidan met Garrus’s eyes across the room and felt the same concern from the Turian. “Okay,” Shepard breathed the word, betraying her exhaustion.” She glanced at Kaidan over her shoulder. She held his gaze for a long, quiet moment. “Vakarian and Tali, take Vega and Cortez and get your Admiral. Bring him back here, along with any survivors you can extract. Make sure everyone is seen by Chakwas.” She glanced at her tool. “We’ll meet here at 0400 to plan our move to take back Rannoch.” She met everyone’s eyes before she dismissed them and they filed out of the room. Kaidan was grateful they had no questions.

She turned to him, and leaned her forehead into his chest. He wrapped his arms around her, and held her close. He pressed his face into her hair, and inhaled. He whispered when he spoke. “Go upstairs, get into bed. I’m going to get us some food, and I’ll meet you up there. Alright?” She didn’t speak, but he felt her nod. She pulled back, and he leaned down and pressed his lips to hers. She sighed, and pulled back. He wasn’t surprised by the tears on her cheeks. He reached up and wiped them away. “Come on.” He took her hand again, and led her to the elevator. She stepped on and rested against the far wall. He pressed the door for their cabin, and kept his eyes on hers until the doors closed. 

He stopped up on the Bridge and gave Joker the order to go into stealth and stay a healthy distance from Rannoch once the crew was back on board. Joker nodded and Kaidan turned to EDI, “Divert all contact attempts for the Commander and me to our private terminals; that goes for crew as well as Command.” She agreed, and Kaidan clapped Joker on the shoulder before leaving the Bridge. He stopped in the mess and gathered some food. None of it was too appetizing, but it was calories and he knew she needed it. He also stopped in the med-bay and Chakwas gave him some tea to help Shepard sleep. She also handed him something stronger, just in case. He thanked her before leaving and heading to their room. 

He found her sitting at the foot of the bed, dressed in one of his Alliance t-shirts. He knew it was his because it was far too big on her. The jacket of her dress blues was slung over her desk. Her shoes and tights were left at the bottom of the stairs. Her shirt was on the couch. Her face was streaked with tears and she sighed when she looked up and met his eyes. “Sorry,” she said as she reached up and wiped at her face. He shook his head, and silently wished she would stop apologizing for feeling, and reacting, and being human. He set his procurements down on the desk. He handed her a MRE and she made a face at it before she tore it open and started eating. 

It didn’t take him long to undress. He stripped to his boxers and climbed into bed with his own meal in a bag. They ate in silence, and with military efficiency. Shepard finished first and set the empty bag on the night stand before she laid back. He could feel her eyes on him, and he finished quickly. He met her eyes, and heard her sigh. He wasn’t sure what to do. He wasn’t sure what she needed. She knew. When he was grieving his father, she just knew what he needed. He felt clueless, lost as he watched her. Then, as if offering him a lifeline, she reached her hand to him. He took it and she pulled him down next to her and wrapped his arm around her. 

This was easy. He could do this. He could hold her for as long as she needed. Forever, if she wanted. Forever. That’s what he wanted. He didn’t want to go to sleep next to anyone else, ever. He couldn’t imagine waking up in a world where she didn’t exist, a world where they weren’t together. He refused to believe that was an option. They shifted easily. Their bodies fitting together. Arms around each other, and legs entwined. Her face buried in his chest. She trembled, and he knew she was crying again.

He shushed her, soothing whispers, empty promises, promises that everything would be okay. His hands moved over her back in long, gentle strokes. Eventually, she stopped crying and pulled back slightly. She wiped at her eyes and apologized. He sighed softly before rolling onto his back. She moved to rest her head on his chest. Her hand moved in lazy patterns on the warm skin over his heart. He ran his hand through her hair. Their breathing was the only thing that broke the silence for a long time. He cleared his throat. She lifted her head and rested her chin on his chest to look into his face. “So, what do you want to do when this is over? When we win?” 

She stared at him blankly, and he felt nervous under her stare. She sighed, and shook her head lightly before lying back down on his chest. “Kaidan, I think you need to accept the fact that we’re not going to make it.”

He felt like his heart had been ripped from his chest. He could feel it racing, but it was distant as pure confusion filled him. “What?” He snapped the question at her, and she lifted her head to look at him again.  


“Kaidan,” she whispered his name, surprise clear in her tone. “You really think we’re going to win, don’t you?” He hated the way she said it, like he was foolish for thinking it. “I think you need to accept the fact that we’re going to lose. This … Crucible … it’s a shot in the dark. I’m running through the motions because I don’t have any other choice, but it’s fruitless. We’re outnumbered, outsmarted … the Reapers are going to win. This, what we’re doing, it’s for show. To give hope until it’s over.”

“Fuck that.” He snapped again, and he knew it was harsh but he didn’t care. He couldn’t believe that’s what she thought. He couldn’t believe she had already given up. He shifted, rolling her beneath him so he could look down into her face and hold her close. He needed to make her see. He needed her to hope, not just give hope to others. “I refuse to believe they’ve won already. I refuse to believe everything we’ve done, everything we’ve been through, has been for nothing. No, I won’t. The Crucible will work. We’ll send these bastards back to the dark space where they came from, and goddamn it, Sloan, you’re getting your happy ever after.” He held her face, making sure she kept her eyes on his. 

Her eyes filled with tears, and she nodded, “Okay. Okay, we’re going to win.” He wasn’t sure if she actually believed it, or if she was just saying it to please him. He would take it, for now, but he would show her. He would prove it to her. They were going to win. He felt the emotion at the back of his throat and he wanted to yell at her, and make her see how wrong she was. Instead, he kissed her. She tangled her fingers in his hair as she opened her mouth to him. The kiss was demanding, and insistent. He poured all of his frustration with her into the kiss. She whimpered beneath him before he ended the kiss with a few, quick kisses to her swollen lips. He pressed his forehead to hers, and was watching when her glassy eyes opened and met his. 

“Now, Sloan,” he said as they shifted again. She rolled to her side, and he pulled her to him. His arm wrapped around her, holding her back against his chest, her head pillowed on his arm. She covered her hand with his as he continued. “What do you want when this is over?” She was quiet for a long time.

When she finally spoke there was a wistful, exhausted edge to her voice. “A farm. I want horses, pigs, cows, and chickens. I want to grow fruits and vegetables. I want to retire. I want to be done. I want to watch the sun set on my back porch. I never want to be awake before the sun rises. I want…” Her voice broke, and she stopped. He pressed a kiss to her neck and she squeezed his hand. “I want babies.”

He felt his chest constrict at her words. It had been what she had always wanted. He’d get it for her, even if he died trying. She deserved it. “Then, you’ll have it. All of it. Everything you want, you’ll have it.” He felt her nod. She turned her head, and wet her lips. He kissed her and put every ounce of his promise into the kiss. Their breathing increased, and soft moans slipped her from her. She ended the kiss before it turned into more. He left a trail of kisses along her neck after she let her head rest on his arm again. He could feel how tired she was as her body relaxed and her muscles started to twitch.

“Kaidan?” She broke the silence, and he felt the tug at his heart at the gentle, almost timid, tone of her voice. 

“Hm?”

“Will you be there?” 

“Always.”


	77. Chapter 77

They hadn’t been sleeping long when she started thrashing; sobs shook her. Kaidan woke to an elbow in the face and knew instantly he should have expected this. He should have insisted she took the medication from Chakwas before sleeping. A drug induced sleep would have been dreamless. This sleep was anything but. He spoke her name firmly, loudly, ensuring she heard him through her terror and woke. Her fright glazed eyes met his and she threw her arms around him, weeping into his neck. He wrapped his arms around her, and his leg over hers, completely enveloping her and holding her close. 

He reached out with one hand and Pulled the bottle off the desk, where he had left it earlier in the evening. He whispered into her ear, soft words of comfort and love. He let her know she wasn’t alone as he placed chaste kisses to her jaw line and temple. She calmed, her tears subsiding to soft hiccups and quiet apologies which he brushed aside. “Sloan, Chakwas gave me something earlier to help you sleep.” She started to argue with him, insisting she didn’t need it. All he had to do was say her name once, his tone firm but full of caring, and she sighed, and agreed. 

She swallowed the pills dry, and snuggled back into his side. Her fingers danced over his chest as he felt her body start to relax. “Kaidan?” 

“Hm?”

“Will you talk to me? Just, say something, anything. The quiet is … Your voice, it … please?” 

He pressed a kiss to the top of her head, and tightened his hold on her. He had to admit, he felt a sense of pride in the fact that she found comfort in him. It warmed him, it gave him a purpose, a meaning he never thought he would find. “I got a message from my Mom.” He paused when she placed a kiss to his chest. “She’s at the orchard and she’s taking in refugees.”

“Is it big enough for that?” 

“Well, we call it an Orchard, but it’s really more of a farm. We have horses, cows, chickens, pigs, and a lot of fertile land.” His hand slowly stroked along her back. He told her about the farm, and the forest. He told her of the creek and the old farm house with all the bedrooms. He told her of the sky and the mountains, and the way it smelled. 

She was asleep faster than he expected, and when her body relaxed on his, heavy with drugs, he kissed her forehead, praying she would have a dreamless sleep. “We could retire there, if you wanted. Dad said, he said the farm was mine when I wanted it. I’ll give it to you. I’ll give you the farm, the animals, the land. I’ll give you … babies if you want them … with me.” His voice broke as his eyes filled with tears. He wanted so much to be able to give her those things. “I love you, Sloan.” He wrapped her tighter in his arms as he forced the reality of the war away from the front of his mind as he drifted to sleep. 

It was unusual for Kaidan to wake before Sloan, but he wasn’t surprised when she slept through his alarm. The drugs from Chakwas were powerful. He checked the time and knew he had to get up. They only had six hours before the geth were back to full strength and they needed to stop them before that happened if the Quarian were going to have any chance of, not only taking back Rannoch but surviving. 

He glanced down at the woman in his arms. She’d been sleeping so heavily she had barely moved, so heavily there was a spot of drool on his chest. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of her head before unwrapping himself from her arms. It killed him to do so, but he had no choice. After a quick shower, he checked on her again. She’d wrapped her arms around his pillow in his absence. He lifted the blankets and wrapped them around her. She seemed so small, so fragile, and even though he knew she was anything but fragile, it killed him to think about how mortal she was. 

He pressed a kiss to her temple before leaving their quarters. He met Tali, Legion, Garrus, and Raan in the conference room. They spent almost 90 minutes discussing their plan to free the geth from Reaper control. In order to break the reaper connection and stop the signal. Legion stated they needed someone to enter the geth consensus. It needed to be someone with a strong mental fortitude. It needed to be someone who trusted the geth, and wouldn’t second guess them while they were linked. It had to be an organic, so they could remain undetected by the geth. 

“So, it has to be me.” Her voice startled them, and Kaidan’s eyes met Shepard’s as soon as she started to speak. “I’m not a machine, though, how would I interact with the consensus?” Legion’s head light moved from Shepard to Kaidan and back. 

“Humans have experimented with virtual interfaces. You, yourself, have experience with one. It is similar.” 

“You mean Project Overlord? You mean the project that nearly unleased a rogue AI-Human hybrid on the galaxy?” Shepard’s voice wasn’t accusatory, just concerned. She moved and stood next to him. Her hand brushed his briefly. 

“Which is why we require your trust. We have modified the interface and have equipment to facilitate safe contact,” Shepard continued to stare at Legion, considering his plan. Kaidan knew they didn’t have a choice, not if they wanted to help the Quarian retake Rannoch. 

Shepard sighed softly. “When do we go in?” They fleshed out the rest of their plans. Legion would be in the consensus with her; he had no choice, not really, seeing as he was part of the consensus. This was making Kaidan’s head hurt, and he liked tech. Kaidan and Garrus would accompany her physically, to ensure nothing happened to her body while she was connected. Tali and Raan would remain on the Normandy to help coordinate the Quarian fleet. “Okay, everyone be ready in twenty. I want to take Rannoch today.” Shepard declared dismissing the room. Kaidan waited with her until the room was empty. She turned to him as soon as the door was closed. 

“Did you see Chakwas?” He asked reaching out and rubbing his hands up and down her arms. His eyes moved over her face. She seemed well rested, the circles under her eyes less prominent and the stress in her brow eased. Her eyes themselves, however, still held a deep grief and he knew only time would dim. 

She nodded. “Yes. She said I’m good to go.” She surprised him when she stood on her toes and pressed her lips to his. He didn’t hesitate to return the kiss as he wrapped his arms around her waist and she angled her head to kiss him deeper. Her arms slid around his shoulders as her mouth worked against his. After a moment, she ended the kiss, her forehead pressed to his. “Thank you for yesterday.” He nodded and kissed her again, a light touch of his lips to hers as she lowered herself from her toes. His hands moved to take hers. “Will you do me a favor?” 

“Anything.”

“Kiss me every morning, before we leave our room. I don’t want to ever go through a day wondering if we’d taken that one moment for ourselves.”

“Well, that’s an easy promise to make,” he grinned and she chuckled softly. He knew, by the look in her eyes, that the request came from the realization that Anderson and Kahlee had no more mornings. He wondered how long it had been since Anderson had held Kahlee in his arms, and he knew each missed moment was something Anderson would regret. Making Sloan this promise was easy.

“Thank you,” she smiled and pulled from his embrace. “Time to go be one with the geth….”

“You’re sure about this?” Kaidan asked as they stepped onto the elevator to take them down to the cargo bay and their gear. 

She leaned back against the wall. “Not really. I’ve been…. I’m not sure how to describe it. When we shut down Project Overlord, I was briefly hooked into the system. It was disorienting, and I have a feeling that if something had happened to the system, something would have happened to me. That’s why I want you and Garrus there with me. If something starts to go wrong, the two of you are the most capable to notice and stop it.”

“Tali’s a better engineer than Garrus and I combined.”

“Tali wants Rannoch back. She’s desperate, for her world, and her people. Desperate people make sacrifices they wouldn’t normally make,” she explained and Kaidan nodded. He wanted to disagree, but he couldn’t. He let out a deep breath, hating every second of this war and wishing more than anything that they were already on the other side of it. The elevator door opened and they moved to their lockers. Kaidan glanced and found Garrus and Tali huddled together in the corner. He bit back a smile before his gaze moved to James who was prepping their weapons. 

They pulled on their gear quickly, with practiced efficiency. They took their time with their armor checks. Kaidan had a feeling she was taking as much pleasure in insuring his safety as he did hers. They somehow managed to keep the moment professional. Before they knew it they were on the shuttle with Cortez, making their way towards Rannoch, and the site of the Reaper signal. Kaidan couldn’t shake his worry. 

Legion dropped from the shuttle mid flight, promising to clear the way for them. It was still strange to Kaidan, to work so closely with the geth. He couldn’t help but wonder what Ashley would think. They reached the DZ and left the vehicle, Kaidan and Garrus flanking Shepard as Cortez took the shuttle to a safe landing space. 

Kaidan allowed himself a moment to look around at Rannoch. The sky, a dark purple which brightened to blues, oranges, and pinks when the light of their sun hit it. Red dirt and rock formations littered the area. It was breathtaking, and part of Kaidan felt guilty for not bringing Tali with them, for not allowing her to set foot on the homeworld. If things went well today, she’d be here by sundown.

The signal was coming from a site built into the side of a mountain. They followed the path inside and it took Kaidan a moment for his eyes to adjust to the change in lighting. The warm yellows and oranges of the sun changed to the bright blue synthetic glow that surrounded them as they followed the marker on their ‘tools. All of the geth they encountered were offline. Their synthetic bodies slumped against the walls or lying in awkward positions on the floor as if they turned off in the middle of their day. Kaidan supposed they did. 

They spotted Legion just ahead of them. It was easy to distinguish by the pieces of N7 armor it wore. Kaidan still thought it was creepy. They reached the geth, and he explained, again, that due to limited resources it would be best that she connects alone. She met Kaidan’s eyes briefly. “Let’s do it.” Legion ordered her to proceed to the docking station. There were pods lined up along an elevated platform. They were not unlike what Kaidan had seen on Horizon, though this was mechanical, not organic. Still, it made his stomach churn when she went to step into it. He took her hand as she did, and her eyes met his when he squeezed her fingers.

“I’ll be monitoring your vitals. If there’s any concern, I’ll get you out,” he promised her, and she forced a small smile, though it came no where near her eyes. Kaidan paid little attention to Legion as he hooked her into the system; he counted on Garrus for that. She met and held his eyes. He hated the fear he saw there. She hated this, and he wished they could have found some other way to get this done. He sighed when her eyes closed, signaling her connection to the server. 

Kaidan opened his ‘tool and linked into her suit systems monitoring her vitals and brain waves. Everything was normal now, baseline. He let his eyes move to her face within the pod. Her eyes closed, flickering behind her lids. Her lips slightly parted and her breath misting on the glass before her face. She looked beautiful. It was an out of place thought in the middle of the mission, in the middle of the war, but that didn’t make it less true. 

Garrus clicked to his right and Kaidan glanced at him quickly before turning his eyes back to the ‘tool. Garrus allowed himself to sit on the steps to Kaidan’s left as they waited. “You’re starting to smell again, Alenko.” His two-toned voice vibrated low and Kaidan chuckled. He was no longer embarrassed by the alien’s talk of pheromones. 

“I’m not even thinking about sex,” he argued, slightly frustrated by his own body’s betrayal. Could everyone tell when he was thinking about her?

“Maybe not, but it’s not always about sex. It’s about attraction and want,” Garrus explained and Kaidan shrugged, his eyes moved over Shepard’s face again. Well, that was fair. “You really can’t smell it?” The Turian sounded surprised, and Kaidan shook his head. “Then how do you… I mean,” he sighed and his mandibles twitched. 

“Garrus?”

The Turian’s undertones rolled as he glared at him. “How can you tell she’s interested if you can’t?” 

“By now I think it’s pretty clear,” Kaidan paused as Garrus’s mandibles fluttered and his eyes closed. He cocked his head at the Turian. “This isn’t really about Sloan and me, is it?” Kaidan asked, and Garrus practically sneered at him. It was clear the Turian was embarrassed to talk about this, but he had asked. Kaidan sighed, his eyes moving to Shepard’s face again. “It was difficult with Sloan, especially in the beginning. We had to, well, I tried to pretend there was nothing there because of the regulations, but I wasn’t really able to hide it. Without even thinking about it, we would search each other out at the end of the day, whether it was for a meal or a conversation. Sloan also, she bites her lip, and she picks at her nails when she’s nervous. She did that a lot when we were together,” Kaidan couldn’t help but smile as he thought back to their stolen moments on the SR1. “Is this about Tali?”

Garrus spluttered and his mandibles twitched. Kaidan laughed at his friend. “What makes you think that?” 

“Well, you’re anxious to see her, nervous when she’s around, you just choked when I mentioned her name, and you’re asking about being able to smell pheromones. I’m guessing it’s her suit that’s stopping you?” Kaidan accused as he stepped back from the pod and leaned on the wall behind him. 

“Yeah, and I have no idea what I’m doing.” Garrus’s admission was quiet, and he sounded ashamed as he looked down at his hands twisting together. 

Kaidan shook his head. “This coming from the Turian who pushed me to go to my CO’s quarters before Ilos?” It was Garrus’s turn to laugh softly.

“Well, I could sme-”

“Smell her,” Kaidan interrupted him through a chuckle. “Yeah, have I told you how disturbing that is?”

Garrus ignored his comment and continued, “I figure you owe me.”

Kaidan eyed his friend for a moment. He had to admit that was nice: calling him a friend again. He had missed Garrus while Shepard was gone and even more so since they had returned to the Normandy. This teasing and banter was a welcome reminder of the friendship they had once shared, and the fact that it was on the mend. “Well, if it makes you feel more confident I definitely think she feels the same.”

“But how can you tell?” 

Kaidan let out a rough sigh, his eyes moved over to Sloan’s face again – still peaceful. “It has a lot to do with … not what she says, but how she says it. When you mentioned the chocolates from Dr. Michel, Tali said she would only eat them after they were sterilized. Maybe just because she’s Quarian, but maybe also because they came from another woman.” Garrus seemed to consider that and Kaidan continued, thinking of the few times they saw them together over the last day or two. “You mentioned she never usually goes a long time without replying to a message from you, that’s always a good sign. Also, Quarians rely heavily on body language. When you’re together, she’s always turned towards you. She touches you. She leans in when she speaks. All very good signs.”

Kaidan turned his head and met the Turian’s eyes. Garrus mulled over Kaidan’s observations, but his response was interrupted when Admiral Raan reached out over the comm. She was asking for Shepard, but Kaidan responded that she was indisposed. “The geth fighters are arriving, but something is wrong. Not all are functioning properly.” Kaidan and Garrus exchanged a glance and looked to Sloan’s face, still calm. They had no way of knowing how much longer it would be. They could only hope Sloan would finish before the geth attacked. 

The contact from Raan brought a tension to the pair and Kaidan sighed, shifting from foot to foot. “So,” Garrus asked after a long moment, “body language, huh?” 

Kaidan laughed, loud and from the belly, the kind of laugh he had only experienced a handful of times in recent memory. Garrus joined in, his flanging chuckle pleasant. “Yeah, you could probably talk to EDI. I’m sure she’d help you get some information. Chakwas may have some advice as well, for, you know, antibiotics.” Kaidan glanced at him out of the corner of his eye and chewed his lip to stop another laugh. Garrus’s mandibles seemed tense, and his eyes were narrowed and glaring. Kaidan distracted himself by running another scan over Shepard’s form. How much longer would this take?

“Yeah, I don’t really see myself asking anyone else about this,” Garrus admitted with a rumbling chuckle. Kaidan grinned, but said nothing. He just kept his eyes on the program on his ‘tool.

“Seriously, though, don’t wait. Even if she’s not interested, which she is, we may not have a lot of time left. Don’t waste it.” Kaidan was speaking from his own concerns, concerns he’d never share with Shepard. He needed her to have faith, but he knew the reality of war. He knew their chances. 

“Something is happening to the geth,” Admiral Raan’s voice rang out over their comms again, startling both of them and distracting Kaidan from his morbid thoughts. “All of the squadrons have stopped, there is no more activity inside their ships. You’ve … You saved the liveships, thank you.”

Legion’s platform rose. The geth’s attention moved from Kaidan to Shepard. Kaidan could feel his heart in his throat and choked on the bitter panic at the back of his tongue. “Why isn’t she up, yet?” He knew he sounded frantic and worried, but the geth had no response. It just silently logged into a nearby terminal. It wasn’t until Shepard’s eyes fluttered open and found his that his heart returned to normal. 

The pod opened, and she reached for his hands. He took them and supported her as she stepped down. “Are you okay?” Kaidan asked at the same moment she inquired if it worked. Kaidan grinned with the realization that she was fine. 

“Geth fighters have been disabled. Any remaining squadrons attacking the liveships have withdrawn. The server is offline,” Legion answered simply, sounding distracted as he continued to click away at the terminal. Shepard nodded and Kaidan took a step back to stand with Garrus. 

Before anyone could speak, the inactive geth around them suddenly activated. Standing and turning towards their group. Shepard, Kaidan, and Garrus drew their weapons and readied them. “What the fuck is this, Legion?”

“We have transferred geth programs into these platforms. They wish to join us. Shepard-Commander, while you removed the reaper infection, we were able to persuade the hostile geth programs to reunite with ours. They have renounced the Old Machines, and will help us fight the Reapers. They are us now.” Kaidan glanced at Shepard as she lowered her weapon. Garrus followed with Kaidan stowing his pistol a beat later. 

He explained that it had been self preservation that made the geth accept the Reaper assistance. If the Quarians hadn’t attacked, they never would have aligned with the Reapers. It was an unending cycle, one that Shepard seemed determined to break. “Fine.” Shepard sighed, she looked at Kaidan’s eyes, then turned to Garrus. “Let’s go get Rannoch back.”


	78. Chapter 78

It had sounded simple enough in theory. They had the coordinates for the Reaper signal on Rannoch. They just needed to get to the site so Shepard could use a syncing laser to line up the shot for the Quarian fleet. Then, the fleet would lock in on the signal and fire simultaneously to take out the signal. Kaidan had to admit, Legion’s admission about still having the Reaper upgrades concerned him. It said the upgrades would allow it to break any geth security. Shepard trusted it, but that didn’t mean Kaidan had to. 

Regardless of Kaidan’s concern, the problem didn’t actually arise until they reached the site of the Reaper signal. Yes, they had to fight their way through geth, but that hardly felt like something new. The problem was the fact that it wasn’t a Reaper signal they were after. 

It was a goddamn Reaper. 

“Shepard to fleet! It was not a Reaper base; it is a live Reaper! I repeat a live Reaper! I need an orbital strike!” 

They had managed to procure a geth vehicle, which Legion drove navigating easily, as Shepard manned the guns and ordered. Kaidan and Tali sat together, and he hated how helpless he was in this moment. Heart racing, he could feel the sweat trickling down his back beneath his suit as he watched Shepard. Tali was mumbling something his translator wasn’t picking up. It sounded an awful lot like prayers. 

Kaidan heard the fleet’s weapons strike home and Legion brought the vehicle to a stop. The Reaper let out a groan and the ground seemed to shake beneath them as they waited. “The firing chamber is a weak point as it’s priming. We need to continue to coordinate our strikes to the chamber!” Kaidan wasn’t hearing the other end of the conversation. He had to assume the Reaper was affecting the comms. He was just glad Shepard was still communicating with the fleet. With that Reaper chasing them, they were target practice, completely at the mercy of Legion’s skills.

“We can escape before it recovers,” Legion offered, his head light turning to find Shepard. She looked at Tali, whose head was still down, hands folded together. 

“No,” Shepard ordered as she stood and grabbed her helmet.

“What’s happening?” Kaidan asked, his heart pounding against his ribs.

“Pull over,” Shepard glanced at Legion who obeyed the command before she met Kaidan’s eyes again. “The fleet can’t target from orbit. The Reaper is jamming the signal. I’m going to have to use the laser to help them.” She secured her helmet and Kaidan felt the floor of the vehicle fall out from beneath his feet. She was going to go up against a Reaper on foot?

“Shepard,” Kaidan started as Legion stopped the vehicle.

“If we leave now, the geth stay under Reaper control, and the Quarians are dead. I need you here in case I fall, you need to get them out of here and back to the Normandy. This ends now.” She secured her helmet and opened the door to the shuttle. Kaidan’s heart dropped to his feet as Legion moved the vehicle further away from her, keeping them relatively safe. He didn’t understand why she had to go alone. His stomach rolled as he stood and moved to the door, he opened the latch and watched, awe struck and nauseated as she started her dance with the ancient machine.

Kaidan barely heard as Legion explained that EDI had the entire Quarian fleet linked in to the targeting matrix of the laser. Once Shepard set the target, it would rain fire on the Reaper. He choked down his heart, which had found itself a home in his throat, as he watched her dodge the blood red beam of destruction the Reaper shot at her. 

If it wasn’t so completely horrifying, he could have admired her agility and the graceful way she moved to avoid certain death. Her flexibility as she dodged and maneuvered herself around the machine would have been beautiful if a misstep didn’t mean her demise. He heard Tali murmuring again and he turned his burning gaze on her. The words rose from his chest in a fit of rage and he spit them at her without thinking. “We’re here because of you, Tali.” Her head lifted and her eyes met his through the visor. “You and your stupid fuckin’ war. If she gets herself killed again, it’s your fault.” He wasn’t sure if she responded; he wasn’t listening.

He turned back towards Shepard in time to watch the beam make contact with the ground where her feet had been seconds earlier. Every time the fleet hit that goddamn machine, it moved closer to her, the beam needing less time to aim as she struggled to target the laser. He started muttering his own prayers, but to whom he couldn’t say. 

Pure, unadulterated terror raced through his veins as he watched her. Her armor the only protection she had. In this moment, he hated her, hated her as much as he loved her. He needed her to stop doing this – risking herself, but he knew deep inside she couldn’t. She wouldn’t. He winced as she dodged again, and as much as he wanted to race out to her, he knew he would only distract her. He chewed the inside of his cheek as the Reaper continued its fight with her. 

It seemed like it was on top of her as she used the laser again, directing the orbital attack. It was as if time slowed down as she locked on. The beam was powered up when the attack fell from the sky for the final time. As the Reaper took shot after shot from the sky, Shepard sank to a knee, spent. He could see her back heaving as she gulped in breath after breath. He could see the Reaper was finished, small explosions going off within its hard protective armor. He grinned as pride, adoration, excitement, and love rose in him all at once and he nearly hollered with the overflowing emotions. 

He had an interesting vantage point, as the fire rained down from the fleet, and the Reaper struggled to stay standing, pieces of the landscape were being shook loose. Rocks fell form nearby formations as the ground fractured. Landslides were triggered around her and he had the sinking realization that while the Reaper was on its way down, she wasn’t out of danger just yet.

As if in response to his thought, he noticed an ACME sized boulder was rolling towards her and she was completely unaware. He didn’t give it a second though. It was instinctual, the way he reached inside for his power and unleashed it on the piece of Rannoch headed for Shepard. He Lifted it with a roar, and noticed only briefly when Shepard turned towards him. His biotics wrapped around the offending piece of stone and held it suspended above her head. She looked up and, when she saw it, scrambled out of the way.

The mass of the boulder was unexpected, and Kaidan felt the heat in his amp as he held it suspended in air. While holding it, he gathered power in his right hand, a sound came from deep in his core as sweat broke out on his forehead and stung his eyes, trails raced down his back at the energy he was expending. He Threw the boulder with a violent flick of his wrist. As it sailed away from her, he knew he had done too much. The heat at his amp broke into full fledged throbbing and black and white spots danced before his eyes. He stumbled slightly as Shepard reached him. She looked into his eyes through his visor, and he had a hard time focusing on her. 

“Kaidan?” She whispered, concern shining in her cerulean eyes but his response was cut off when the fucking Reaper called her name.

“Shepard.”

She turned away from him, and he was grateful as he stumbled slightly until he found something to lean against. He closed his eyes and listened. Happy she was still able to speak as he fought the churning nausea in his gut. “You know who I am?” 

“Harbinger speaks of you.” The Reaper’s voice was thunder and with each word Kaidan saw stars. He vaguely noticed a second shuttle land near by. He heard footsteps and the soft words of Tali, Garrus, James, and Legion. He couldn’t make out what they were saying over the booming words of the Reaper. “You resist. But you will fail. The cycle must continue.” Shepard was arguing with it, demanding an explanation. The Reaper insisted they must wipe out all organics to allow order to reign in the galaxy. It promised the Reapers would be waiting, and ready. 

Kaidan pushed himself off the wall of stone he’d been leaning on as he swallowed hard. He blinked a few times, until his sight cleared and he moved to stand with Shepard and Tali. Legion was nearby and James and Garrus followed closely. James stopped next to him, gripping his arm as he wavered on his feet. “Hey, Viejo, you alright? You injured?” James asked, and Kaidan shook his head. 

“I’m fine,” he insisted pulling his arm roughly from James’s grip and taking a step away. James shrugged but stayed close by. He tried to focus. He closed his eyes and stood still, hands clenched at his sides as he focused on his breathing. He listened to the voices, turning down the volume on his helmet comm.

Legion confirmed the Reaper signal was gone. It confirmed the geth were no longer under Reaper control. They were free. Admiral Gerrel spoke over the now clear comms that the geth had stopped firing and were completely vulnerable. He listened, focusing on the words and trying to ignore the fire raging in his neck and the thunderstorm in his head. He listened as Legion argued for the geth. He listened as Tali begged Shepard not to sacrifice her people to save the synthetic race. 

He heard her complete the impossible, and he only wished he’d felt well enough to truly admire her. She stopped the war, she got the geth and the Quarian to agree to live and work together. Her words alone, spoke with an elegant sense of authority, saved a species. He sensed the panic in their tones more than heard or understood what was happening. Something went wrong. He tried to understand, but he couldn’t - not really. The voices were distant as he tried to remain present. His eyes still pressed closed as he ignored the flashes of light and the bile at the back of his throat. 

Legion had to sacrifice himself. He heard it, and he heard Shepard’s broken sob as the platform shut down. He nearly vomited in his helmet, but swallowed hard. He wanted to reach out and comfort her, but he knew if he did he would lose the control he had on his own body. Somehow, he remained standing. He was aware of the geth and the Quarian agreeing to help with the war against the Reapers; he heard them agree to share Rannoch. 

He felt the sweat continue to trickle down his back, and his face. He knew he must be feverish from the migraine. He knew they were still talking around him. He could feel James’s presence, an annoying itch at his side, watching him. He heard the soft click of a helmet, it echoed oddly over the comms and he forced his eyes open. He was astounded by the beauty of the scene before him. It could have been in a vid and part of him was glad he’d made himself look. Framed by the rolling red and gold landscape of Rannoch, and the blues and purples of the sky. Tali removed her face mask, and breathed deeply. 

She turned toward Garrus, whose mandibles twitched involuntarily as he stepped closer to her. Kaidan couldn’t help the grin that pulled at his lips as he watched the Turian take Tali’s hands in his and lean forward. He pressed his mouth against hers, and Kaidan closed his eyes and turned away from them, allowing them a moment of privacy. He heard James snigger, and Shepard giggled softly. 

Kaidan’s heart fell when he tasted copper at the back of his throat. He turned, not able to wait any longer and started to stumble in the general direction of the shuttle. He felt James’s hand on his arm again. The burly marine mentioned something to Shepard about needing to get the Major back to the ship to repair some armor. Kaidan knew Shepard wouldn’t buy it. He had a very real sense that he was caught, and he swallowed hard, again, as James ushered him to a seat on the shuttle. 

It wasn’t much later when Kaidan was in the cabin on the Normandy. James promised to take care of his armor, and he stumbled up to the cabin dressed only in his under armor, in the hopes of stopping his nosebleed before it started. He didn’t. He reached their quarters and made it as far as the bathroom before the blood started its warm, sick path down his face. He grabbed tissues from the bathroom before he stumbled to the couch. He fell onto the leather seat and applied pressure to try to stop the bleeding.

His head still throbbed, his face felt swollen and his stomach churned with the metallic taste filling his mouth. He wasn’t sure how long he sat like that, but eventually he heard the door to the cabin open. His heart raced, which caused his head to throb harder. Shepard called for him, and he only grunted his response. He heard her soft footsteps as she padded down the stairs. She sighed his name when she saw him; her voice was full of concern and disappointment. His eyes were pressed closed, but the tears came anyway, pushing passed his lashes and slipping down his cheeks and he wasn’t sure if they were tears of pain, shame, or relief at no longer having to hide.

She placed her hands on his back and urged him to lean forward. He obeyed without question. She unzipped his underarmor and pushed it forward over his shoulders. With a gentle pressure, she urged him to sit back against the couch. She helped him pull his arms out from the suit, allowing him to continue to juggle the tissue to keep it pressed to his bleeding nose. She pushed the materiel down to his hips. His eyes remained closed. He didn’t think he could handle seeing the disappointment in her eyes. He felt the prick of a needle in his arm, and the sweet rush of narcotics swimming in his veins. 

She disappeared from his side for just a moment. He chanced a glance at her. She was at his bedside table. He closed his eyes again as she turned. He felt the couch give next to him, and then her hands were at the back of his neck, and he dropped his head at her touch. She opened the amp port, pushed the amp in slightly and it popped out enough for her to hold it. She slid it from the implant, and closed the port. He heard the case close and then laid back, his head resting on the back of the couch. 

She straddled his legs, sitting on his lap facing him. He opened his eyes slightly, looking at her through his lashes, and he was startled by the tears rolling down her cheeks. His heart broke knowing he’d caused her pain. He sighed, his free hand falling to her leg. She reached up, and pulled the blood soaked tissues from his face and replaced it with an icy cold pack covered with cloth. It was too cold for just a moment, but after that it was a relief to everything swollen in his face. His hands rested on her legs. Sliding up to her hips and down to her knees, apologizing with every stroke. 

They stayed like that, the only sound her sniffling, until she finally removed the ice. He felt her weight shift as she twisted; his hands moving to her waist to hold her as she did. He felt a warm cloth on his face, wiping away the dirt and grime from Rannoch, and the dried remnants of his nosebleed. She cupped his face and tilted his head, bringing his forehead to hers. He sighed, and felt the hot regret and shame in his throat at being caught in his deceit. “How long?” she whispered, breaking the silence before pressing a kiss to his forehead. Then his closed eyes, cheeks, nose, and the corners of his mouth. 

“Since Mars.”

His heart ached at her sharp intake of breath. “Kaidan,” she whispered his name, her voice weak with concern and fear. He opened his eyes and found hers, once again, swimming with tears. “Does Chakwas know?” He shook his head slightly. “Why did you keep this from me?” 

“If you knew, you would have sidelined me. You would have kept me on the ship, and if you had I wouldn’t have been there to protect you. You would have died today if I hadn’t been there to stop the boulder,” he reminded her, his explanation had sounded logical and right when he told himself, but speaking the words to her felt hollow. 

“If you had told me, I would have been sure to get you the help you needed so that you could be there with me, and not be risking your life,” she argued, her voice jagged as she spoke. 

“My life doesn’t matter,” he answered her, wrapping his arms around her waist. She cocked her head at him. “You matter. Keeping you alive is all that matters. If I have to suffer with migraines and nosebleeds to keep you alive it’s worth it. If I die keeping you alive, it’s worth it.”

His heart nearly broke at the keening sound that slipped from her throat. “Don’t say things like that.” Her voice was a broken whisper. It was his turn to look confused. “Kaidan, for a smart man, you’re fairly clueless.” He asked her, quietly, for an explanation. “What is it you think I’m fighting for?” He shrugged at her incredulous tone. She shook her head and leaned forward, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips. “I couldn’t care less about the Quarian, the geth, the Asari, the Turian, any of them. I suit up and I go out there and I fight for you. For a future with you in it.” She paused when he gasped, his eyes instantly filling with tears. Her hands reached up and let her fingers dance over his face, her eyes following their path. She sighed, her fingers tracing his lips and the scar that cut through them. “I don’t want to live in a galaxy without you.” She paused, her hands resting on his chest, and he would bet every credit to his name she could feel his heart thundering beneath her fingers. She took a deep breath, locked her eyes on his, and spoke in a soft, gentle tone. “I love you, Kaidan.”

His breath stuck in his throat, and his heart stopped beating, he was sure. He had known somewhere in the back of his mind that she had never said those words to him. He hadn’t thought he needed to hear them. He knew she loved him. It was in the way she looked at him, the way she touched him, kissed him, made love to him. It was in other things she said to him, he had known she loved him. Still, there was a sense of completion that washed over him when she said the words, and he felt like he could do anything. “Really?”

She laughed quietly, and leaned forward. Her nose brushed his lightly before she pressed her forehead to his. “Yes, really. I didn’t … I thought you knew.”

“I think … I mean, I did,” he answered, unable to stop smiling. “It’s still nice to hear.” She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her lips to his. She tasted salty and sweet, and her kiss was soft and warm. Their lips danced momentarily, before she angled her head and kissed him deeper, holding him close as if she was afraid to lose him. She held him like he was precious, like he needed protecting. She held him the way he held her and he felt like he was going to fly apart on a molecular level, the happy energy was almost too much for him. She ended the kiss early and he was grateful for it. While he wished he could take this further, his head was still swimming, from the migraine and the medication, and he knew he needed to sleep. She stood, and took his hand. He followed unquestioningly. She told him to strip to his boxers and lie down on his stomach on their bed. 

He obeyed; wrapping his arms around her pillow, he buried his face in her scent. Moments later, he felt the bed dip as she joined him. She sat on the back of his thighs and, after a minute, felt her warm, strong hands on his back, and her bare legs on either side of his. A moaned slipped from him as she slid her lotion covered fingers up his spine, finding and working out all the knots along the way. She had strong, capable hands but as they moved confidently over his back and shoulders there was a tenderness to her touch that caused a stirring in his chest. What he did to deserve this woman, this amazing woman who loved him, he didn’t know. His life had taken him down some dark paths, and he had struggled more than once to find his way. Somehow, that way had let him here and he wouldn’t change any of it, not for a second. She continued to work out the tension in his back, which helped to alleviate his headache. They didn’t say anything, but he felt full and warm and loved as she cared for him. 

Once his body was relaxed, she leaned down and placed a kiss to the back of his neck. He inhaled sharply as her lips touched the skin near his amp port. She moved off him, and sat next to him. Her back to their headboard, he reached over and pulled her closer, placing his head in her lap. She’d changed as he stripped, removing her clothes and pulling on one of his shirts. She slowly ran her fingers through his hair, scratching lightly at his scalp. She whispered when she spoke, “I’m taking you off active duty until Chakwas clears you. You’re to see her first thing in the morning.” He sighed as he realized he still had to fess up to a lie. He knew Chakwas would be angry, but in this moment he couldn’t care. His head was in Sloan’s lap. Her hands were in his hair. She was humming softly. She loved him. Nothing else mattered.


	79. Chapter 79

He hadn’t expected it, but Kaidan was grateful when he woke the next morning and Shepard was still with him. Granted, he probably would have woken if she tried to get up. He was lying on top of her, his head resting on her chest and his arms heavy on either side of her. He knew she was awake as her hands ran through his hair. He tilted his head and met her eyes. He moved slightly to press a kiss to her lips before returning to his previous position.

“How are you feeling?” She spoke softly and he waited a minute to answer as he considered his aches and pains.

“I’m okay. Head still aches a bit, and my shoulders and neck are stiff still, but I’m much better than last night,” he answered, “thank you.”

She let out a sigh. They stayed there for another few moments. Kaidan’s eyes were closed, and he listened to her heart thumping in her chest. He really could listen to this sound forever. “Kaidan?” He hummed his response without lifting his head. “I have to pee.”

He snorted and rolled off of her. She sat up, swinging her legs off the bed and heading towards the bathroom. He watched her go, propping himself up on his elbows. Once the bathroom door closed, he sat up and ran his hands through his hair. It was then he remembered he had to go see Chakwas, and his stomach churned with the knowledge that she would be quite angry with him. It wasn’t her anger that made him anxious; it was the disappointment he knew would come with the anger that he didn’t want to face. 

He heard the shower turn on and used that time to straighten up their quarters and change the bed. He pulled the sheets off and placed them in the laundry receptacle. He’d gone to bed after the mission the night before without showering. Fresh sheets would feel nice. She didn’t take long in the shower; he was tucking the blanket in under the mattress when he heard the bathroom door open. He turned and watched as she stepped down the stairs. A towel wrapped around her body, her long hair tangled, hanging down her back and dripping. Her skin was tinted pink from the heat of her shower, and Kaidan thought she looked beautiful. “Your turn.” She spoke easily as she pulled out her uniform for the day. “Chakwas is expecting you before breakfast.”

He stopped at the top of the stairs and turned to look at her. “You made me a doctor’s appointment?” His tone light and amused. 

She cocked an eyebrow at him when she turned. “Not an appointment. I let her know to expect you before your shift started.” He shook his head at her and went to shower. It felt good to stand under the hot stream of water. The scent of her body wash, recently used, rose in the steam around him and he inhaled deeply as he washed quickly. He was anxious to get to Chakwas, to finally know what was wrong. To get an answer, and be able to move forward. He took comfort in Shepard’s promise, that whatever it was, they would get him the help he needed so he could continue to serve.

He just hoped there was help to be had. 

He finished his shower and stepped into their shared space with a towel around his waist. He had expected to find the room empty, and was surprised when he found Sloan at her desk. Fully dressed, hair up, make-up on, and reading messages at her terminal. He rested a hand on her shoulder and kissed the top of her head before he stepped down to dress. He could feel her eyes on him as he dropped the towel and pulled on his BDUs. 

She cleared her throat. “As soon as you’re dressed we’ll head down.”

“You’re – you’re coming with me?” His voice broke as he asked the question.

“Of course,” she replied easily, her eyes on her terminal. He hated to admit out loud how terrified he was, which is why he never would have asked her to come with him. Of course she would know. He smiled as he finished getting dressed. He slid on his boots and she stood. They met at the door, and he took her hand. She turned towards him and he cupped her face. He kissed her lightly. 

“I love you,” he whispered the words with his eyes on hers.

She smiled and squeezed his hand. “I love you, too.” She kissed him again, a gentle press of her lips on his. “Let’s go see what’s going on in that gorgeous head of yours.” She was being lighthearted to keep him thinking positively. It worked, mostly. 

Shepard held his hand as they stepped off the elevator. He had half expected her to release her hold as they were both in uniform, and the ship was waking up. He was glad she didn't. As they approached the med bay, his throat dried and he coughed gently to clear it. The door opened and they stepped in. “Major Alenko,” Dr. Chakwas’s accented tone was clipped and hard as she turned her glaring eyes at him. Her eyes darted to their linked hands before she gestured to his cot. He glanced over at the occupied bed across the room as he made his way over. 

“Good morning, Doctor,” Kaidan greeted as he sat. He hated the nerves in his own voice, and Shepard squeezed his hand at his words. Shepard pulled up a stool and sat next to him. “What happened to Tali?” Kaidan asked quietly as if speaking louder would bring Chakwas over to him sooner. He nodded his head towards the Quarian and the Turian in the seat by her bed. Shepard’s face lit up and she grinned; it was infectious and Kaidan couldn’t help but smile with her.

“Garrus kissed her yesterday, on Rannoch.” Kaidan’s grin spread when Shepard answered him. He thought he remembered a kiss. “He didn’t consider the risk of infection.” Kaidan felt an instant rush of empathy for the Turian. He’d taken the risk; he’d kissed her, and now she was in the med-bay receiving antibiotics. He chuckled softly and looked to Shepard. “She’ll be fine, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen them happier.”

Dr. Chakwas interrupted their moment, standing in front of Kaidan with her omni’tool open. “Is there something you want to tell me, Major?” He’d known Dr. Chakwas since he enlisted. She was one of the first doctor’s he met with. She understood his L2 as best as a non-specialist could, and she was always honest with him. The look in her eyes, the tone in her voice, and her defensive posture told him how upset she was. He swallowed hard. 

“Since Mars, when I use my biotics, I get headaches and my nose bleeds a little,” he offered. Shepard tsked, and Kaidan flushed. “Sometimes, when I use my biotics, I’m incapacitated by migraines and I have excessive nosebleeds.” 

She said nothing, and Kaidan glanced at Shepard who offered him a gentle smile. Dr. Chakwas opened her ‘tool and ran a scan over his body. She poked and prodded. She made him stand, bend over, sit, and jump up and down. She listed to him breathing, listened to his heartbeat. She moved behind him and checked his implant. Her body language was angry, rigid and stiff, but her touch was still gentle as she moved her fingers around his amp port. He swallowed hard, his heart racing as she continued his check-up. 

She moved back in front of him, and pulled a pen light out of her pocket. “Look at this ear,” she ordered tapping the shell of her right ear. She moved the light in front of his eyes. First one, then the other. Her brow creased and she stood straight and opened her ‘tool again. She chewed her lip as she considered the information in front of her. She moved back to her desk without saying anything. 

Kaidan squeezed Shepard’s hand, and she threaded her fingers with his. He swallowed hard and watched as Dr. Chakwas moved back over to him. “I don’t think I can clearly put into words how purely, utterly disappointed I am in you, Kaidan.” Dr. Chakwas was standing before him, data pad in hand, opposite hand on her hip as she spoke. “I have been your doctor since you enlisted. You have never once kept symptoms from me. Not to mention, you’re a medic. You know how important it is that a doctor knows everything. How am I supposed to trust anything you tell me going forward?” Kaidan’s eyes dropped to his lap, and he knew his disgrace was in the red of his cheeks. His blood was shame fueled fire as it raced through him. 

He hated himself right now. Somehow, lying to Dr. Chakwas was worse that keeping it from Shepard. He couldn’t explain it. He opened his mouth to speak, and Dr. Chakwas held her hand up to silence him. “I don’t want to hear it.” He nodded, and clamped his mouth shut.

“Dr. Chakwas, do you know what’s wrong?” Shepard asked, and the Doctor’s eyes softened when she looked at her. The doctor sighed softly and turned her attention back to her patient.

“Kaidan, aside from your L2 implant; you have an ocular implant.” He nodded. He’d forgotten. He’d had it since he was a child. Surgery to correct vision was an option, but most of the time the eyes weakened again and another surgery was required. The implant was a permanent solution. 

“Yeah, so?”

Chakwas sighed and pulled up a stool to sit next to Shepard. “So, when you were attacked on Mars, everyone’s attention was on the biotic implant, and the brain swelling. Optic implants are so routine, they’re often forgotten about, and I think that’s what happened here. The only thing I can find, is that the optic implant was damaged, and has shifted. I believe, when you use your biotics, the optic implant reacts to the electric impulses and causes your brain to swell. The swelling causes the migraines. The nosebleeds are my concern. As your brain swells around the implant, it’s damaging the blood vessels and the brain tissue around the implant.” Kaidan squeezed Shepard’s hand, and she ran her thumb over his knuckles. 

“The damage is minor now, mostly to the vessels,” She paused, and her eyes bore into his. “Understand that if this continued, the damage you’d be inflicting on yourself would be the same as a lobotomy.”

“What do we do now?” He asked, his voice thick with equal parts indignity and fear. 

“I’m going to remove the implant.” Chakwas spoke simply. “You’ll be shipside until you can get to the Citadel to have the implant replaced.”

“That’s it? Just … take out the implant, and I’ll be fine?” Kaidan asked.

“Well, you’ll still have to deal with migraines as you did before the injury. Your vision will be impaired until we get to the Citadel, and I’ll want you to follow up with Dr. O’Connor just to be sure, but yes. You should be fine,” Kaidan sighed, feeling an intense sense of relief wash over him. Tears filled his eyes and his hold on Shepard’s hand tightened. She lifted his hand and pressed a kiss to his hand. “Kaidan, this absolutely cannot happen again. You have to tell me if there is something wrong. I asked you, specifically, and you lied. You may outrank me out there,” she pointed to the mess, “but you leave your rank at the door. I am in charge here. Am I clear?”

“Yes, Ma’am,” he answered, with a nod. 

Chakwas took a deep breath and stood. She placed a hand on his shoulder briefly. “Lie back. I’ll have to put you under to remove the implant. Commander, it will take about an hour, and then he’ll have to sleep off the anesthesia. I’ll alert you when he wakes.” Dr. Chakwas moved away from his cot, to the back of the room to get supplies. Kaidan knew this was a dismissal, and he looked at Shepard. She stood and he swung his legs up onto the bed. 

“Don’t you have to strip and put on one of those sexy gowns?” she asked as she leaned over and kissed his forehead. He chuckled softly, squeezing her hand. She pulled back, and pressed her forehead to his. “We got lucky, Kaidan. No more secrets, okay?” He nodded. “Whatever happens, we face it together.” He nodded again. She kissed him, and he released her hand to cup her face. Her tongue teased his lips, and he opened them for her. Dr. Chakwas cleared her throat and Shepard pulled away from him smiling. “I’ll see you when you wake up, alright?” she promised and he nodded, swallowing thickly. She pressed one more, small kiss to his lips. “I love you.”

He grinned, “I love you, too.” She pulled away and took two steps backwards before turning on her heel. His eyes remained locked on her as she left. Dr. Chakwas laid back the cot, draping a sterile cloth over his body and starting an IV. She placed the mask over his face and told him to breathe deeply. 

“It’s not fair. She can kiss him and they don’t need antibiotics,” Tali’s trill rang out in the room. Garrus’s rolling chuckle was the last thing Kaidan heard before the drugs took him under. 

Shepard was on a call with Tevos when he woke a few hours later. He left Chakwas once she allowed him. She left him with another terse word about honesty and disappointment. He knew he had to do something to make it up to her, but he didn’t know what. He would have to figure it out. He ignored the looks he got as he walked from the med bay to the elevator. He knew he had to look odd. He just hoped they’d be able to get to the Citadel sooner rather than later.

He checked the time as he reached their quarters. It was later, dinner had come and gone. He’d eaten in the med bay before Chakwas had let him go. He sighed, stretching and stood at the top of the stairs for a moment. He was on medical restriction. There was nothing he could do at this point. He stripped down to his boxers and climbed into bed. He pulled the covers over his legs and opened his omni-tool to send a message to his mom. He also checked into some reports and the war effort’s numbers. 

He wasn’t sure how much time had gone by but he was startled slightly when the door opened. Shepard walked into the room. Her eyes landed on him, and he watched as the smile pulled her lips and her eyes brightened. He felt himself blushing, and he closed his ‘tool and let his hands drop to his lap. She pulled the pins from her hair and shook it out, her eyes staying on him with the smile still on her lips. She looked beautiful, and if it was because of his current accessory he’d gladly keep them as long as he could. He shifted in his spot as she stripped to her briefs and pulled on one of his t-shirts. He had to admit, he loved seeing her in his clothes. 

She walked over to him, and he pushed the black plastic frames up to rest higher on the bridge of his nose. She climbed on to the bed with him, straddling his lap. Her hands running from his shoulders to his chest and back. She leaned forward and moved her lips to his ear. His hands gripped her hips. “I’ve never kissed a guy in glasses before.” 

He chuckled, a low rumble from his chest, and she pulled back and pressed her lips to his. He opened his mouth to her instantly. Their tongues danced as their breathing sharpened and their arms tightened around each other. She rolled her hips against him and he groaned lightly, his hands running up her back then tangling in her hair holding her close. He tugged gently and her head fell back. She let out a soft sigh and his teeth and tongue worked the tender flesh of her neck. “Shit, if I knew guys with glasses kissed like this I would have found one sooner.”

He laughed against her and rolled, pinning her beneath him. His glasses slipped slightly down his nose. “I have to wear them until I can get the Optic implant replaced. I can’t do that until we get to the Citadel. I’m inactive until I’m free of glasses.” He brushed his nose against hers. His glasses smudged against part of her face and he sighed. He reached up and removed the glasses. He set them on the nightstand and when he looked back down at her she was pouting. 

“Well, good news is we’re on our way to the Citadel.” 

“What for?”

“I spoke with Tevos and she has something dire she must speak with me about but it has to be in person.” She let out a long, frustrated sigh. “As if I’m not fighting some kind of war out here.”

He kissed her lips quickly. “Why the pout?” 

“Well, you’ll get the implant and then there won’t be a gorgeous guy in glasses waiting in bed for me at the end of the day,” she answered, an exaggerated tone of sadness in her voice. Kaidan chuckled warmly and dropped his lips to hers. She sighed, and he felt it against his cheek. She wrapped her arms around his neck as he teased her lips open. She shifted beneath him, making room for him to settle between her legs. His hands slid down her sides to her waist. He moved them beneath her shirt, lifting it as he caressed her skin. 

She whimpered, her nails digging in his back. She arched her back and pressed her body to his. He tossed her – his t-shirt to the floor and his mouth began to follow its favorite path down her body. He listened to her, her breathing soft and shallow, gentle moans, and breathless sighs music to his ears. Goddamn, how long had it been?

They took their time, touching and tasting. He brought her to her peak more than once before he finished. He slipped from her, moving down and resting his head over her chest, listening to her heartbeat slow, and calm. Her hands were carding his hair, and he sighed deeply. “I love you, Kaidan Alenko.” His breath caught in his throat and he lifted his head to meet her eyes. “I just, it does feel good to say it, and I guess I have some catching up to do.” He moved back up and kissed her feeling a lightness in his chest. “I love you,” she answered to his kiss. She cupped his face and repeated the phrase over and over as she placed chaste kisses to his cheeks and nose. 

He laughed softly, burying his face in her neck and placing a kiss to her collar bone before he shifted off her. He pulled her to him, her back against his chest and his arms around her. Their fingers threaded together and they enjoyed the silence. 

There were moments, like this, when he could almost forget what was going on in the universe. He could almost forget about the war, and the risk to her, and him. Almost. He still held her tight, and listened to her breathing. He could feel her heartbeat where her back was pressed to him. He held her, and let himself live in this moment.


	80. Chapter 80

Kaidan left Dr. O’Connor’s office with his glasses tucked into a pocket. He’d hold on to them, just because. The L2 specialist had rivaled Chakwas’s disappointment and anger, and Kaidan wasn’t surprised. He was exactly as ashamed and apologetic as he should be. He took the scolding silently, knowing he would be okay made it easier. Once his optic implant was replaced, and Kaidan was cleared again for active duty, Dr. O’Connor dismissed him. He sent Shepard a quick message, to let her know he was headed to Anderson’s apartment after his appointment. He assumed she was still in with Tevos. 

His attention was captured by a large, noisy crowd. He recognized some reporters huddled around the something that had caught their interest. If he hadn’t known Shepard was in the meeting, he would have been concerned. Still, he checked and was surprised to see Javik at the center of the commotion. He could feel the odd biotic energy from the ancient alien as wisps of green danced over his form. The reporters, used to the typical blues, were unaware how close the Prothean was to lashing out. Kaidan took a deep breath and made his way over to the scene of the commotion. “Excuse me!” He pushed his way through the reporters to stand at Javik’s side. 

He shrugged off the annoyance he felt coming from the alien as he turned his attention to the reporters. He ordered them away – Spectre authority – and guided the Prothean to a secluded area in the Presidium. “I have to admit, I am surprised by your species, Major.” 

‘’Oh yeah, why is that?” Kaidan asked, glancing at Javik from the corner of his eye as they walked towards a bench. Kaidan could feel the alien’s yellow eyes burning into him as he sat; Javik took the seat next to him. 

Javik was silent for a long time, and when he spoke he didn’t answer Kaidan’s question. “Your mate is rare among your kind.”

He was no longer affected when Shepard was referred to as his mate instead of his girlfriend. He nearly chuckled at the word - girlfriend. It seemed so juvenile, so insufficient for what they were. Perhaps mate was more appropriate, or partner. He swallowed hard as another word flitted through his mind: wife. He shook that thought from his head. This was hardly the time for that. Yet, now that the word had danced through his mind, he had a feeling it would stay there. 

“Yes, she is,” Kaidan answered, and when Javik’s eyes turned to him again Kaidan knew he was taking his words with a grain of salt. Of course Kaidan would think she was special, he loved her. “She’s a hell of a soldier, a brilliant Commander, a natural born leader-”

“She is headstrong, stubborn, and foolish,” Javik interrupted him and Kaidan’s words stuck in his throat. He let the rest of his breath out on a sigh and Javik said nothing, staring over the Presidium. Kaidan opened his mouth to speak, to argue or defend her more than once, but he closed his mouth before he started. “She is also fighting an unwinnable war, and she knows she cannot win, but she fights regardless.” Kaidan chose to keep quiet, to let him finish his thoughts. “She wages this war, that she will not win, but she makes other people believe she can, and that she will. She is … impressive.” Kaidan nodded, warmth blooming in his chest as he listened to the ancient warrior’s words. “You are lucky she has chosen you,” Javik offered as he stood. 

“Yes, I am,” Kaidan answered as his eyes followed the Prothean. Javik nodded and turned to leave. He was heading towards the Normandy and Kaidan said nothing, he watched him walk away. Kaidan leaned back on the bench heaving a sigh into the relative silence of the area. His omni’tool beeped, and the incoming message told him Shepard had finished with Tevos and was headed to Anderson’s apartment. He pushed himself to his feet and made his way towards their space. 

It didn’t take him long to arrive, the elevator to their floor being the longest part of the trip. The lock on the door turned green when he waved his ‘tool over the panel and he stepped over the threshold and into the silent apartment. It was warm, the fire lit, and regardless of its size, it felt lived in. “Sloan?” He didn’t see, or hear, her when he entered. 

“Over here.”

He followed her trembling voice to the hallway between her bedroom and the kitchen. He found her standing before a wall of photos. Her arms were wrapped around herself as if she was holding herself together. Tears left streaks down her cheeks and dripped from her chin to her shirt. Concern washed over him as his eyes searched her, instinctually, for injuries. He glanced at the wall she was looking at as he stepped closer to her. Kaidan felt his heart drop as he stepped up behind her. She was standing before a group of pictures of Anderson, Kahlee, and herself. They were family photos, and the trio were happy in them.  


Kaidan sighed her name and slid his hands over her hips, wrapping his arms around her waist. She closed her eyes and leaned back into his chest as her hands covered his. Her head dropped back to rest on his shoulder as he held her. He pressed his lips to her neck and sighed, wishing there was something more he could do to comfort her. This was all he could do. She reached out and let her fingers trace one of the frames, she sniffed and dropped her hand to his again. Their fingers linked and she spoke quietly. “Remember when we met Talitha?”

“The Mindoir survivor?” Kaidan asked as he searched his memory. 

“Yeah, that night was the end of a very rough week for me.” Her words were quiet, and heavy, but nothing Kaidan didn’t already know. Looking back on their relationship, that week was when she first let him in. It was after meeting Talitha that she told him about her past. She pulled out of his embrace and took his hand. She led him towards the couch and sat. When he joined her, she curled against him, resting her head on his chest. “I came here, that night. David and Kahlee were on their way out for the evening when I got here. They hadn’t expected me and I just showed up. I tried to tell them to go anyway, but they refused – insisting they stay home with me and that their friends would understand. I was grateful, but felt terrible.” 

Kaidan ran his hand through her hair as she spoke. Her fingers toyed with the buttons on his top and he pressed a kiss to the top of her head as she continued. “David hugged me, and I … broke. I cried, I don’t know, it felt like hours. He just held me and let me cry. When I finally stopped, he made me shower and change and we sat here, on the couch by the fire, sipping hot chocolate while Kahlee kept busy in other parts of the house. I told him everything, and he reassured me about Michael, and…. Anyway, later that night, I couldn’t sleep. I wandered down to the kitchen and Kahlee was here. She was having an ice cream sundae, and she offered me one.”

Sloan sniffled again, and Kaidan held her a bit tighter. “We sat in silence for a while. I could feel her looking at me, so I looked at her. She had her eyebrow raised and this knowing smirk on her face. She said, ‘So, who is he?’ I argued, ‘He who? There’s no one, of course. I’m on duty!’ but she knew. She said nothing until I confessed.”

“What did you confess?” He asked, his voice a low rumble, and she giggled softly, turning her face into his shirt. 

“That there was this gorgeous Lieutenant who kept flirting with me and I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him.” She pulled back and met his gaze. Her hand reached up and her fingers danced along his jaw before moving up and toying with the grey hair at his temples. 

“I barely flirted with you,” He grinned through his argument before turning his head and kissing her palm. 

She smiled. “That’s because you were gun-shy,” she reminded him and he laughed. “I may or may not have gushed like a school girl for a while and Kahlee just grinned as she listened to me.” She paused, sighing and her hand traced down his neck to the collar of his shirt. Her fingers tracing what she could find of his collar bone. Gooseflesh rose on his skin down his arms and back at her tender caress. “I always came back to the regs, though. Every time. I wanted … you, but I knew I couldn’t risk your career or mine. I told her all that, and she reached out and took my hand. She reminded me that she met David when they were both Alliance, and that she wasn’t going to lecture me about regulations. She told me to remember that I wasn’t going to be in the Alliance forever, and that I needed to be sure I didn’t alienate myself from the people who came into my life. She told me it was okay to let people in, it was okay to trust people.” 

“The next day you told me … everything,” Kaidan spoke quietly, and Shepard nodded. 

“I realized she was right. I already trusted you, but I needed to let you know, or I would miss out,” she shrugged as she spoke and he felt it in his chest, and it was too much. He was dizzy, drunk on her words, on her confession of how long she’d had feelings for him. He leaned down and kissed her. So many things had to fall into place to bring them together, to bring her back to life, to keep him on the Normandy, to bring them to this place. Still, he wanted more. He wanted forever. He wanted the Reapers to rot in hell. He wanted to win. To marry her. He wanted her to mother his children. He cupped her face and she shifted, climbing into his lap, straddling him. A soft gasp slipping from her lips as she returned his kiss. 

His hands slid up her shirt, dragging it with his grazing touch. She pulled back, breaking the kiss, as he pulled the shirt over her head. Her eyes and hands fell to his shirt as she undid the buttons. His hands continued to caress her bare skin as she helped him out of his clothes. The light from the fire danced over her skin, and the shadows created around her made her look like some kind of fire goddess. He gasped as she leaned forward and trailed her tongue along his pulse point. He stood, and she squealed as she wrapped her arms and legs around him. 

He carried her to the bedroom; he set her next to the bed. Hands roamed and clothing was removed before she fell back. He crawled over her, his mouth leaving a trail over her skin and he listened for the tell tale sounds of her pleasure. His name was a broken prayer on her lips and he groaned at the sound of it. There was something about the relaxed atmosphere, being station side and not on the ship, they took their time. 

When he finally slipped inside her, her legs around his waist and their hands threaded together, he nearly called out at the sensations. Their bodies moved to a primal rhythm, each seeking their release. She found hers first, but only seconds before he did. He called out, dropping his head to her neck and releasing her hands. She ran her hands through his hair, pressing kisses to his head. He moved slightly, resting against her chest and listening to her heartbeat. In this moment, there was no place else he wanted to be. 

Their hearts calmed, and their breathing settled. He heaved an exaggerated disappointed sigh, and she giggled, as he rolled off her, pulling her to him. She rested her head on his shoulder, her hand on his chest, toying with the dark hair there. He held her close, and enjoyed the quiet. The steady sounds of her breathing, the gentle caress of her fingers, the way her leg lifted and threaded through his. He sighed, turning and pressing his lips to the top of her head. She turned her face towards his and smiled. His breath caught in his throat, “You’re so beautiful.” 

She snorted and rolled her eyes; he laughed softly. She never did take compliments well. She rolled to her back and stretched. Kaidan shifted to his side, propping himself up on an elbow and watching her. Her naked body moved sensually against the soft sheets and he swallowed hard as he felt himself reacting to her again. Her omni’tool sounded and she dropped out of her stretch and groaned as she opened the message. The orange light of the tool playing over her features as she read the message. “Fuck.”

“What?” His heart raced with the fear that their evening of liberty was being cut short. 

She looked at him, a sheepish grin spreading on her lips. “Well, I kind of told Vega and Cortez we’d meet them at Purgatory for drinks tonight.” He groaned and reached out, wrapping his arm around her waist and pulling her to him. “But I kind of want to just stay right here and make love to you all night long.” She admitted, brushing her nose against his before pressing her lips to his. Her arms wound around his waist as he rolled her onto her back, his weight resting on his elbows. 

Their tongues tangled and her leg lifted over his hip. His hands moved to her face and he broke the kiss, his fingers dancing over her cheeks, brushing her hair back. “Well, I vote we stay right here.” He pressed his hips against her and she gasped softly, lifting her head and kissing him again. He angled his head and kissed her deeper, coaxing soft moans from the back of her throat. Her fingers tangled in his hair before sliding down to his back, nails digging into his flesh. 

He broke the kiss, moving his lips to her jaw and down her neck. She dug her head back into the pillows as her back arched and her body pressed to his. “What kind of leader would I be if I broke this promise to them?” He growled at her words, and bit her neck gently. “Ah!” She pushed at his chest and broke into a fit of giggles. “Come on, we’ll go for an hour and then come back here and pick up where we left off.” He fell onto his back with an exaggerated sigh and she laughed again. She pulled herself from bed and he watched her, hips swaying, as she walked towards the bathroom. After a moment, he grinned as he threw back the covers and quickly followed after her. 

The bathroom was full of steam, hot and humid, and thick with the smell of her body wash; the smell of Shepard. He went to the shower, and opened the door. More steam flooded out and she turned and looked at him over her shoulder. A grin pulling at her lips. His eyes followed the water as is trailed down her naked body. She was perfection. He stepped up behind her, and moved the wet hair off her back and over her shoulder. He placed a row of kisses from her shoulder, up her neck, to her ear. “I figured we could save time,” he whispered, and she chuckled softly. Her giggle turned to a moan as his hands moved to her hips and thighs. 

She grinned, pulling away from his kiss, and pushed him under the water. “Later. We really have to hurry,” She said, breathlessly. He chuckled and kissed her once more, briefly, before they turned their attention to their shower.

It wasn’t much later they were strolling along the Sunset Strip headed towards the transit station. Purgatory was in another ward, and would take them a while to get there. The transit car pulled up and Kaidan helped her step inside. She’d dressed casually, jeans tucked into combat boots and a snug thin strapped top that displayed her strong shoulders and arms, ample chest, and slim waist perfectly. She curled into him in the back seat of the cab and he wrapped his arm around her. Her fingers grazed the skin exposed above the buttons on his top and he covered her hand with his to stop her. “What did Tevos have to say?”

She groaned and pulled back to sit next to him in stead of leaning on him. He regretted bringing up work instantly. “That I’m the sole ray of hope in a very dark night.” She heaved a deep sigh and scrubbed a hand over her face. “She said the situation is dire on Thessia. She said there is an artifact there that might be able to help with the Crucible. She said I should go there and retrieve the artifact, and help the Asari while I’m there.”

“So, she waited to tell you about the artifact so she could use it to get you to help her people?” Kaidan asked, and the look in Shepard’s eye told him he’d given voice to her own thoughts. Kaidan shook his head.

“She wanted me to leave now, but I told her there was no way I could cancel our liberty. Not just because I wanted alone time with you,” she paused, grinning, and he took her hand to kiss her knuckles, “but because the crew needs it.” Kaidan nodded.

“What difference would a few hours make, really?” Shepard shrugged to answer his question. “So, Thessia’s the next destination?” She answered with a nod as the car pulled up at Purgatory. He helped her out of the car, his hands moving to her waist as she stood in front of him.

“But for now, we make our appearance so we can get home,” she reminded him as she stood on her toes and pressed a kiss to his lips. He smiled against her mouth, one of his hands coming up to cup the back of her head. She gasped when his fingers teased her amp port, and he chuckled softly pulling away and taking her hand. She let him lead her to the door and inside. 

Kaidan was glad she’d only committed to an hour here. The lights and pounding bass were almost too much for him. She turned and met his eyes, recognition flashing on her face before she leaned in and promised they’d only be here an hour. He gave her a smile and offered to get them drinks as she spotted Vega at the lower level. She nodded, kissing his cheek, as he released her and they went their separate ways. 

When he got to the bar, he took a quick shot of something close to whiskey before ordering the Citadel’s version of beer and taking it back to Shepard. He found her laughing with the duo at a table. Her smile was wide and her eyes were bright and, if it was possible, he fell in love with her all over again. He set her drink down in front of her as he eased into the space beside her, inquiring what was funny. Vega and Cortez eyed the two of them and their easy affection. They weren’t often open with their relationship in front of the crew, professionalism and all, but they were on liberty, and Kaidan would be damned to let an opportunity to feel her close slip away. 

“Vega just asked if I danced,” Shepard replied, her eyes on Kaidan’s and a smirk on her lips as she took a long pull from her bottle. Her eyes were sparkling in the vibrant lights of the club, and her hair was down, curling to frame her face. He grinned at her.

“What do you say, Viejo, let me take your girl for a spin,” Vega asked, his eyes traveling over the club. It was almost like he was looking for something – someone. Kaidan followed his eyes, and when they settled back on Vega, he glanced down to Shepard. Her eyebrow was up and her lip quirked, as if she couldn’t believe Vega had asked Kaidan for his permission to dance with her, before he’d even asked her. 

“It’s her call,” Kaidan answered, and her eyes brightened as she turned them back to Vega.

“Come on, Lola, let me show you the benefits of youth!” Vega pleaded as he held a hand out for her. Kaidan snorted as Shepard laughed. She stood and slid her hand in his. Kaidan watched, his eyes never leaving her as Vega pulled her into his chest, his hands dipped a little lower than needed, but Kaidan was sure he was doing it to gauge his reaction. Kaidan said nothing, just smiled as he watched Shepard move against the younger man. 

“You two are really great together,” Cortez spoke up, catching Kaidan’s attention, but he couldn’t tear his eyes off of Shepard. He watched as Vega’s hands caressed her sides, her hips, and back as their bodies moved together. Shepard turned, her back to Vega’s chest, and her eyes met Kaidan’s across the space. She grinned and bit her lip. He watched as Vega’s attention was pulled towards the door. 

“What makes you say that?” Kaidan asked, turning his attention, briefly, to the pilot.

“You remind me of Robert and me. You complement each other. It works, and I can see how happy you both are. It reminds me that there is something worth fighting for. I don’t know the history, but I know things were tense after Mars. Whatever happened, I’m glad you were able to work things out,” Cortez answered, and Kaidan was surprised by his words. 

“Thanks Cortez. You know, Robert would want you to be happy. He would want you to find something to fight for,” Kaidan promised him, and Cortez nodded.

“I know,” he answered, sipping his beer and Kaidan let the topic drop. Kaidan knew how uncomfortable it was to be forced into something you weren’t ready for by well meaning friends. He turned his attention back to Vega who was now leading Shepard in an intricate salsa dance. Kaidan watched as Shepard’s hips moved to the beat as her feet followed Vega’s lead, easily keeping up with the man’s natural ability. 

He watched as Vega’s hands trailed over her body, and he felt only slight pangs of jealousy. Mostly because as Vega touched, Kaidan remembered - the feel of her bare skin, the shift of the muscles beneath, the way she sounded, tasted. It hadn’t been that long since she was beneath him, around him, clinging to him as she rode out her pleasure. He should have been more jealous, but the fresh memories, with the look in her eye when they met his over Vega’s shoulder, and the promise of the rest of the night stemmed any violent emotions. He simply smirked and, keeping his eyes locked with hers, took another long drink from his beer.

The song came to an end, and Vega released Shepard who instantly pulled him in for a friendly hug. Cortez called out to the pair and they continued to laugh as they made their way back over. Shepard bumped Kaidan lightly as she reached the table, taking a healthy swallow of her beer. Her cheeks were flushed from her dancing, and her eyes were bright. She was having fun; Kaidan was glad they had come. 

“Alright, Lola, next time you need to be worked, you know where to find me,” Vega promised, flexing unnecessarily as he reached for his own drink. Kaidan chuckled spotting Liara over Vega’s shoulder. His mind flicked back to their poker game, and how Vega’s attention had been taken by the asari. 

As she reached the table, Vega flushed, and Kaidan’s suspicions were confirmed as Cortez greeted the Shadow Broker, and Vega clammed up. Kaidan grinned and took Shepard’s hand in his. “Alright, Son, let me show you the benefits of age.” His eyes flicked from Vega to Liara and back. Shepard smothered a laugh with her hand as Vega’s cheeks flushed and Kaidan led her to the dance floor. 

“What was that about?” Liara’s soft voice carried surprisingly well; though, it was drowned out by Cortez’s laugh. 

Kaidan pulled Shepard close when they reached the dance floor. Her breath caught as he pulled her to him. His arm around her, holding her close and his hand on her hip. He took her hand with his free one as her other grazed up his arm and across his shoulders. He pressed his forehead to hers and met her eyes with a smile, and a quick peck on the lips as they counted. When the next beat count started, he led her in an intricate dance. Their feet moving together perfectly, their hips connected and swaying to the slow beat of the music. 

Kaidan lost track of everything around him. There was just the feel of her body against his, her breath on his neck, the way her hands gripped him. He thought he heard catcalling over the music, but none of it mattered. The entire Citadel could erupt in flames around them and he would happily burn if it meant she stayed right here with him. 

A short while later, after a transit cab ride neither could recall, they found themselves tumbling back into bed. Once the door to the apartment was opened, hands wandered and a trail of clothing showed their path to her bedroom. The rest of the night was spent exactly as they had planned: tangled together with no thought for the war, the Normandy, or the morning. Not even the rising of the artificial sun could distract them. 

The next day, the Normandy left the Citadel much later than planned.


	81. Chapter 81

Kaidan had never been to the Asari homeworld, but he would imagine it to be lovely. Bustling with activity, with life. A bright sky with lush, rich landscaping. Millennia of history, of living and being. The knowledge and the presence of the great species everywhere. He imagined it would have been breathtaking. There are moments in Kaidan’s life he wishes he could forget. The first life he saw taken, the first time he took a life, and today. 

His breath was taken by the stench of fire and brimstone. The deep, resonating sound of the Reaper’s laser weapon broke through the air at random intervals. The constant drone of reaper forces, husks, cannibals, brutes was broken only by the shrill shriek of the Banshees. Their comms were open and Kaidan could hear the ground teams ragged breathing. He could discern Shepard’s over Liara and Javik’s thanks to her random cursing. 

They had been planet side most of the morning and if felt like they had made next to no progress. They needed to get to the Temple of Athame, to the team of scientists there, but the planet was overrun. The reapers hit with full force, and there was nothing to be done to stop them. He could hear Liara’s almost gentle whimpering through the battle, and while it should have sparked concern, or sympathy, it annoyed and frustrated him. Sloan and he had to leave Vancouver, leave Earth, months ago while it died around them and they didn’t have time to mourn what they had lost. 

He swallowed the bitter flavor those thoughts left in his mouth. Liara may be the Shadow Broker, she may be a skilled biotic, and a powerful asari, but that didn’t make her military. She was still a civilian and this was a lot for someone, anyone, to take in. The scream of a Banshee rang out closer than they would like and Kaidan felt a flutter in Shepard’s biotics just ahead of him. 

She paused, dropping to cover and took a deep breath. Kaidan dropped next to her. Their eyes met through their visors. He could see the sweat dripping down her brow. He watched the guilt flash in her eyes and it nearly stole his breath. He should have known she’d hate herself. Not only for the liberty time granted, but because they had procrastinated leaving for Thessia. They had stayed in bed much longer than they had anticipated. Neither wanting to leave the comfort and safety of Anderson’s apartment, of her bed, of each other’s arms, and return to the war. 

He wished they could be back there. 

In all reality, the hours they waited, the liberty time, it wouldn’t have saved Thessia. Now, they needed to get to the Prothean data before the planet was lost for good. Before he had a second to reassure her, she stood from cover, vaulting over the barricade and Charging into the line of husks advancing on their position. 

This was the first time Kaidan was in battle since his optic implant was replaced, and he had to admit, the heat at his implant site was pleasant, a gentle hum of spent power that made him feel strong as they fought their way across the planet, eager to reach the temple. It was a race, and one Kaidan feared they’d lose. They were racing the destruction from the Reapers, and their depleting ammunition. They had limited cover from what remained of the asari air force. 

Shepard gave the order and they ran from cover to cover. Kaidan's boots pounded on loose rock in time to his hearts knocking against his ribs. They reached the far side of the bridge, finding cover and a moment to breathe. “Maybe next time we go to war the Alliance could spring for air support!” Liara snapped desperately, her shrill voice trembled.

Shepard flared; Kaidan felt it. She paused, glaring at her friend for just a moment. She turned on a heel and muttered, “Maybe next time I ask the Asari for help they won’t sit on the key to stopping this goddamn war until they need me to pull their asses out of the fire.” The words were audible only because the comms amplified them in their helmets. Liara turned and started to respond, her weapon free hand flailed wildly. Shepard pushed passed her and took point. Kaidan watched as Liara gaped, her face flushed as the asari stared after the Commander. Javik's chuckle rumbled as they followed Shepard to the temple's entrance.

The temple was barricaded, and Kaidan couldn’t shake the sense that they were being watched. The resounding echo of the Reaper’s weapon shook the ground, and he brushed off his unease. He knew he wouldn’t feel better until they were back on the ship. The sooner they got the artifact and got out of here the better. The barrier was military grade and Liara stepped up to override it as Kaidan turned his back to the entrance, his eyes wide and weapon ready. 

“Do your people always mix religion and military?” The accusation was not missed from Javik’s tone and Kaidan glanced at the ancient warrior. The Prothean was standing close to Liara, watching her over her shoulder. She admitted it was unusual, adding that the religion itself was nearly dead. Javik simply chuckled and Kaidan had to wonder what the Prothean knew that he wasn’t sharing. It did little to settle his nerves. After a few tense moments, silent but for the sound of the battles being fought in the distance – the sounds of a dying planet – the barrier came down.

“Let’s go; the scientists should be inside.” Shepard’s order was short, and sharp, and they fell into a familiar position behind her as she led them inside. The temple was beautiful, or it had been before the war. Like most of the planet, Kaidan was sure. Vaulted ceilings, curvaceous architecture, and shining surfaces – it was pristine, it was stunning. Artwork decorated the space, images or sculptures of the goddess Athame. It was impressive, and an example of how advanced asari culture had been. 

When they reached the center of the room, it didn’t take long for the sweet, metallic scent of blood to reach Kaidan, even through the filters. They had found the scientists. Their bodies were left lying together, almost as if piled there once they were dealt with. Kaidan swallowed hard as he crouched down to examine them. Liara, Javik, and Shepard continued to investigate the temple. “Their throats were slit.” His announcement was met with a surprised stare over Shepard’s shoulder. “Reapers didn’t do this.” 

“Alright,” Shepard’s voice was tight, and Kaidan felt the sensation of a presence at his back again. He couldn’t shake the feeling that they weren’t alone. “Let’s find the artifact and get the fuck out of here. T’soni, Tevos wasn’t able to give me any insight into what we’re looking for. Do you know?” 

“No, I do not. Though, the temple is full of ancient relics. One of them is bound to be what we are looking for.” Kaidan’s gut twisted at the sadness in her tone. He shook the thoughts from his head and stood to aide in the search. Though, he had to admit, he had no idea what they were looking for. He opted to keep his attention on the area around them, unable to shake the feeling that they weren’t alone. He thought it was better to watch their backs then search for something he had no way to identify. 

As much as he empathized with Liara, and as sorry as he felt that this was happening to Thessia, he couldn’t help but find some kind of amusement each time the investigated an artifact. Liara would explain its cultural significance to the asari; then, Javik explained how it was actually Prothean influence. Liara started out unable to believe he was telling the truth, but with each explanation she seemed unable to defend her people and more resigned to the fact that they had in fact used Prothean technology to advance themselves. 

Kaidan’s attention snapped to the room size statue of the goddess herself when one of the artifacts reacted to it. Liara suggested it was because of the Prothean cipher Shepard had received back on Feros. “Or it’s the Prothean standing next to you,” Javik suggested and Kaidan shook his head when Liara flushed. Liara responded and Javik continued to instigate as Shepard moved towards the statue of Athame. Kaidan watched Javik and Liara as their focus turned to one another. He glanced at Shepard and started to follow her. Javik and Liara’s voices rising as they continued their constant back and forth. 

She reached the statue, and Kaidan stayed near her. She was focusing on the statue, her eyes narrow. Much to his chagrin, she removed her helmet and clipped it to her hip as she stepped closer. She placed her hands on the statue and closed her eyes taking a deep breath. Liara and Javik’s words were reaching a fevered pitch, their voices bouncing off the walls. “Mother fucker! Shut the fuck up!” Shepard bellowed, as she turned and glared at Javik and Liara. The aliens’ bickering silenced as they turned towards her, the last of their echoes fading away. “Keeping this information secret broke dozens of galactic regulations; not to mention we may have been able to stop the reapers years ago! Goddamn it! Javik! Get over here!”

The Prothean was at her side moments later. Their heads together as they spoke low over the base of the statue. Kaidan turned to Liara who had her omni’tool open. He wanted to say something to her, but was distracted when he thought something moved in his periphery. He clenched his jaw and stepped around to watch Shepard and Javik’s back as they considered the statue. 

He could not wait to get off this planet. 

He jumped and spun at the roaring, tumbling sound behind him. He turned just in time to see the statue fall to pieces and a Prothean beacon standing in its place. The building shook as the reaper moved closer to the temple. “We must hurry! This place is unstable!” Liara’s words were lost as the beacon activated. A bright blue orb activated and drifted towards them. Kaidan stepped back, giving it space. It hummed and felt like a presence all on its own. His heart raced as he realized this was it. This was the key. The war could be stopped with … whatever information this held.

The Prothean VI spoke, its digital voice calculating. “Obtaining chronological marker. Hold…” They waited. Kaidan’s eyes flicked from Shepard to Javik and back to the VI. “Timescale established. Post-Prothean cycle confirmed.” Javik established it was one of their computers. There was a longing in his voice that Kaidan found oddly comforting. As if it was proof Javik did feel emotion. “Reaper presence detected. This galactic cycle has already reached its extinction terminus. Systems shutting down.”

Shepard and Liara spoke up, but Javik just shook his head. It was useless, the VI powered down. Before the orb could disappear, Kaidan barely heard a soft clinking sound followed by a metallic roll on the floor at their feet. “Get down!” Kaidan shouted and threw himself at Shepard. He took her down and rolled so his back was to the grenade in the same second it detonated. He’d barely had enough time to throw up a shield before the explosion. Fire burned behind him, the heat pounded at his back as he looked down at Shepard beneath him. His ears rang, punctuated by every frightened beat of his heart. He met Sloan’s eyes and held them. She was dazed. When her eyes locked on him, he watched them clear. Once he was sure she was okay, he pushed himself off her. They were on their feet seconds later. He looked around for Liara and Javik and found the asari helping the Prothean off the floor. 

His rifle was drawn as he scanned the area for their attacker. He expected reaper troops to be closing in on them. Instead, he met the frozen stare of the Cerberus assassin, Kai Leng. The assassin’s hand was outstretched and the orb floated gracefully across the space to land elegantly in his hand. As the man lifted his hand opposite and spoke into his comm, Kaidan noticed the gunship behind him. “Target the supports.”

Kaidan and Shepard fired, but Leng was too fast. The gunship’s weapons engaged, taking out the support walls of the temple. The floor started to crumble beneath them and their attempt of stopping the Cerberus agent died as their attention switched from apprehension to survival. They ran to stable footing, making it just in time to see the gunship disappear into the heavens. 

Shepard was cursing and screaming as she ran after the gunship. Broken communication filtered through their headsets from the asari troops on the ground. They stood, staring after the gunship as they listened to the last asari fall. 

They listened to Thessia die.

“Cortez,” Shepard spoke into her comm. Her voice distant, detached, cold. She ordered them to the extraction point, and they fell into step together. The silence between them was broken by the sounds of distant battle. It was strange, the contrast; it was a hard fought battle to get to the temple. Now, on their way back, they were unheeded. It was as if the reapers sensed their absolute defeat and barely gave them a second thought. 

Silence still held firm as they reached the shuttle. Shepard went to Cortez as the other three went to the back of the shuttle. They strapped themselves in and Kaidan kept his eyes on Shepard’s back as she spoke with Cortez. The shuttle took off, gravity shifting and Kaidan’s stomach rolled. He could feel Liara’s emotions as even she had a hard time controlling her biotics. Kaidan looked to her, her eyes closed and her hands clenched in her lap. Javik looked at Kaidan, then Liara, before closing his eyes and facing forward, saying nothing.

To say it was uncomfortable on the shuttle was an understatement. Thankfully, the ride from Thessia to the Normandy wasn’t long. Gravity shifted as the shuttle entered the bay. Kaidan looked to Shepard who turned to face them as Cortez set the shuttle down. “Why did you lie?” Liara’s voice was low, and rumbled as her biotics spiked. 

“I did not lie,” Javik replied absently as the door to the shuttle opened. A breath escaped Javik before he stood. Liara fumed next to Kaidan. She glanced at him quickly, and shot up chasing Javik into the bay. Shepard followed, seemingly content to let her go. 

“The asari … My people were not animals for your kind to experiment on!” Her voice rose as she followed him. She whipped off her armor and met Javik at his assigned space in only her underarmor. The Prothean’s gaze moved over her body. Kaidan and Shepard walking towards James’ workbench together to deposit their weapons. Kaidan met the young man’s eyes for just a second before the Lieutenant turned his gaze back to the bickering aliens. He could tell James was concerned and if the day had gone any better he would have smiled. The man was clearly smitten. 

“You wanted to know more about your history, asari. Do not get angry with me because you do not like what you have learned.” He was dismissing her, barely giving her any attention – like she was a child, insignificant to the war. Kaidan turned towards them as Shepard was already on her way over to the locker. They had seconds before it boiled over, and exploded in the room. 

Liara was glowing as her biotics engaged and she roared. “I have a name! It’s Liara T’Soni, use it, Prothean!” She was pointing at him, her energy racing over her body and Kaidan held out a hand when James moved to go to her. The younger man looked down at him, and settled back on his feet with a sigh as their attention moved back to the duo.

“Knock it off, Liara,” Shepard ordered, annoyance thick in her voice and Kaidan lowered his hand and watched the exchange. 

“My home was just destroyed,” Liara’s glowing eyes moved to Shepard, and Kaidan could see the Commander’s cocked eyebrow from across the bay, “and all he can do is gloat!”

“And I flew away from my home planet to fight this goddamn war and your people hid secrets from me, even after I asked them for help! Frankly, I don’t give a fuck that your feelings are hurt! You may not like the truth, Liara, but you can’t blame him for it!” Shepard snapped, and Kaidan turned to walk towards them, fearing the argument would continue to escalate. 

Liara deflated, if only slightly, and turned her eyes to the floor with a sigh. Javik spoke, his voice softer than Kaidan expected, “Besides, there is nothing to be done about it now.” Liara’s biotics dissipated as Kaidan reached them. He placed a hand on Shepard’s shoulder and she lifted her head and met his eyes for a second before continuing to remove her own armor. 

“You are Prothean,” Liara muttered, defeated. Her voice shook from something other than rage this time. “You were supposed to have all the answers. You should have stopped this.” That was it. That was the true source of Liara’s frustration. She had held the Prothean on such a pedestal, she had held such high expectations, that there was nothing left now. She was crushed, and she looked it. Not only had she lost her home, her people, but everything she had believed in and studied for her entire life was wrong. 

Javik’s voice was comforting, and it sounded a bit odd coming from the hardened warrior. “We believed you would. Long ago we saw the potential in your people. Even then it was obvious: the wisdom, the patience. You were the best hope for this cycle. So, you were … guided, when necessary.”

“Clearly, you were wrong. It did not help,” Liara sighed as she crossed her arms over her chest. She seemed, once again, like that young, timid archaeologist they had met all those years ago, and Kaidan’s heart broke a bit for her. He glanced at Shepard who was staring at the floor. A crushed slump to her posture, and he knew she was taking the defeat hard. 

“You’re still alive, aren’t you?” Javik reminded her, reaching out and placing a hand on Liara’s arm. She turned and looked up at Javik, and Kaidan felt like he was imposing on a private moment. He glanced back at James who was clearly trying not to pay them any attention, focusing a little too hard on their weapons, and Cortez who was hovering nearby. “Your world may have fallen, but as long as one asari is left standing, the fight isn’t over.”

“I guess that goes for Protheans, too,” Liara spoke softly. Kaidan finished removing his armor and dressing back in his BDUs. He sat on the bench near Shepard as he waited for her to finish dressing. 

Javik reached up and wiped a tear from Liara’s face, a weapon falling to the floor behind him, but Kaidan ignored it. “Despair is the enemy’s greatest weapon. Do not let them wield it… Liara T’Soni.” Liara nodded, smiling weakly. She glanced at Shepard, then her eyes darted across the bay and her cheeks flushed purple. She pulled away and went to the elevator. Kaidan didn’t have to look up to know James followed her. 

“That was … unexpected,” Shepard offered to Javik as they watched the elevator doors close. Seconds before it did, it seemed as if Liara fell into James’ embrace. 

Javik turned to Shepard with a noncommittal shrug. “We still need her talents. If grief overcomes her, she will be lost to us.”

Kaidan scoffed and spoke before Shepard did. “Did you mean any of that?”

Javik didn’t answer right away. He stood stoic and silent for so long Kaidan thought he was going to pretend he hadn’t heard him speak. “She believes it. So, she will keep fighting. Isn’t that what matters most, Major?”

Shepard interrupted his response, “Don’t think for a second that Liara couldn’t have finished that.” Her hard gaze locked on the Prothean’s and Kaidan watched the tension build between the two. Sloan may be disappointed and upset, but Liara was still her friend and at the end of the day she would always protect her friends. 

“As could I,” Javik’s response was cool, and succinct as he turned on a heel and moved to call the elevator. 

Shepard heaved a great sigh before she fell onto the bench next to Kaidan. He let his hand move to her waist and she leaned forward. She rested her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands. Kaidan moved his touch to long, slow caresses along her spine. Soothing, and relaxing. The day had not gone as planned. They had nothing to show for their endeavor. 

“Commander Shepard,” Specialist Traynor’s gently accented voice rang out over the comm, echoing in the cavernous space.

“Yeah?”

“Councilor Tevos is on the QEC for you, but before you speak with her I may have information on Kai Leng’s movements and destination after he left Thessia.” Shepard seemed the perk up at the news and she turned to meet Kaidan’s eyes. 

“Thanks, Traynor. I’ll be right up,” Shepard answered and the comm cut off. “I’m going to go have a chat with Tevos. Would you see what Traynor has?” Shepard asked as they stood. Kaidan nodded as they walked side by side to the elevator. “Hopefully, we can follow him. I am so over Cerberus being everywherall the time. I’m sick of them having the upper hand. I want to hit them where it hurts. I want to kill Kai Leng,” Shepard growled the last as the elevator doors opened, and Kaidan couldn’t help but agree with the assessment as they stepped on. 

They leaned against the back wall, waiting for the elevator to move. After a silent moment, Shepard spoke again, “Oh! What’s up with Liara and Vega?”


	82. Chapter 82

Horizon. 

Kaidan hadn’t been back to the colony since the Collector attack. He hadn’t been back since that awful confrontation with Sloan, not since the handful of friends he’d made there were taken while he’d been powerless to stop it. The remaining colonists still hated him as far as he knew. Though, he hadn’t expected holiday cards from any of them, he couldn’t imagine they would have been able to move on from the attack without residual animosity for him. According to Traynor’s calculations, Kai Leng’s trajectory, speed, and probability, that’s where the Cerberus assassin went after Thessia. So, that’s where they were going.  


Kaidan sat at a table in the mess, trying to force down a breakfast while Shepard was once again in the comm room. She was back on the QEC with Tevos, no doubt arguing about Thessia. There was a tension in Kaidan’s gut he couldn’t escape. He simply wished he knew the root cause. He blamed it on the trip to Horizon, but feared it was something else. 

That feeling was compounded when he glanced up and found Diana Allers headed his way. He had been fairly lucky in dodging the Alliance News reporter since his return to the Normandy. Apparently, today his luck ran out. “Good morning, Major.” Her voice was gentle, disarming even, with no overtones. She sounded kind, but she was a reporter and Kaidan didn’t trust reporters. 

“Good morning, Ma’am,” he greeted with a nod as she slid into the seat across from him without waiting for an invitation. His eyes darted over her shoulder towards the elevator, plotting a possible escape route, as she folded her hands under her chin. 

“Please, there is no need for such formality,” she insisted as she tried to catch his gaze. He sighed and made eye contact. She smiled, and while it was an easy going smile, there was something about the gleam in her eyes and her exposed canines that made her seem predatory. Kaidan’s sat straighter and squared his shoulders. 

“What can I do for you this morning, Ms. Allers?” Kaidan asked wiping his mouth with a napkin which was immediately balled in his fist as he waited for her response. 

She let out a short breath through her nose. “I was hoping for a few moments of your time for my show.” 

Kaidan had a feeling that’s what this was and he wished she would not have asked him to his face. She sent Shepard messages which she could simply reply to. “I don’t see why it’s necessary. Commander Shepard is the face of the war and she has given you plenty of soundbites.”

“True, but I would argue you’re as recognizable as the Commander. You’re important to the movement, and to morale, and I think the public would like to hear from the highest ranking officer on the Normandy and the second human Spectre.” Kaidan hated to admit it, but she was probably right. Maybe not about him being as recognizable as Shepard, but at least about the rest. He could accept that. “Not to mention, we still have strong signals in the areas outside Vancouver. I understand your Mother is in that area? It’s possible she might see-”

“Ms. Allers,” Kaidan interrupted, straightening to his full height and looking down at the woman. Her smile faltered at the disdain in his voice. “Manipulation may be a tactic that works for you, it is not something I will tolerate. Understand, I was going to agree to the interview before you made it personal. Another attempt like this, and you will be transferred off the Normandy. Am I clear?” His voice was light, patronizing even, as he waited for her response. 

“Of course, Major. Please, accept my apology.” He cut her off raising his hand and turning his attention back to his meal. He looked at his plate, but his appetite disappeared at the mention of his mother. He pushed his plate away, and reached for his coffee as he met the reporter’s eyes. He gestured for her to begin, and she did. She jumped into a few questions verifying his history, and rank before asking about the most recent mission on Thessia. She spent about fifteen minutes running through the types of questions Kaidan expected before abruptly changing the subject. “So, how long have you and Commander Shepard been together?”

He nearly spat out his coffee, his eyes narrowed and he felt the heat rising from his collar. It wasn’t embarrassment; it was rage. He said nothing, simply glared at her with a creased brow and thin lips. He wrapped his hands around his mug to stop himself from clenching them into fists. Seconds of silence stretched into minutes as Kaidan continued to watch the reporter. She spoke again, repeating her question. Kaidan cocked an eyebrow. He hoped she understood his silence. Asking him to confirm breaking fraternization regulations on the record is asinine. 

She let out a breath through her nose. “I’m trying to help you,” she pleaded and Kaidan stared down at her. How was confirming breaking regulations helping them? He didn’t have to ask. She continued. “No one cares, right now, that you’re sleeping together. There’s too much going on, but if we win, if there is something left after this war, and it comes out then, it will be worse that it was hidden.” He continued to watch her as she fidgeted under his stare. She cleared her throat before she continued. “Imagine if one of you survives the other,” she suggested and knuckles turned white on his mug. Her eyes darted to his hands and her voice was much softer when she continued. “The survivor could be held responsible for a failed mission, or the death of a crew member. I don’t have to tell you what this would do to the reputation of the deceased.” She paused for a heartbeat, and Kaidan let it sink in. 

Kaidan’s voice was firm, and quiet when he spoke. “What are you suggesting, exactly?”

She cleared her throat, shifted in her seat, and pushed some hair behind her ear before she continued. “If I can present your relationship now, it would be seen as a bright spot in the middle of all this war. It will be uplifting, and motivating. It would take the sting out of the cover up and it would make it much harder for the Alliance Brass to come down on both of you when this is over. Well, that’s the angle I’m going for, anyway.” Kaidan didn’t like the idea of talking about his relationship with Shepard to the press. He’d always wanted to tell everyone, to shout it to the world, but it would be wrong to do it without Shepard. 

“I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but this isn’t a decision I can make without discussing it with Sloan.” His use of her first name was intentional, and Diana flushed slightly at the intimacy of it. Her discomfort helped Kaidan see Diana was at least aware this could be seen as an intrusion, and it warmed him to the idea. “I can’t see her agreeing to release something now. If it were, while it could be seen as motivating and uplifting, it - I - could be seen as a distraction. We just lost Thessia and I was with her when we did. What if the Asari came back and said it was because she was distracted by her lover on the field? No, I don’t see us releasing anything during the war.” He shook his head. The more he thought about it, he saw more negatives than positives. 

Diana tapped her finger on the table, her chin resting in her palm as she stared at him. He kept his eyes on hers and could swear he could see the gears turning in her head. “What if I film it now? What if I prepare it? I’ll get candid footage of you on the ship, and spend some time with you both individually and then together, and then when the war is over, it airs then. You and the Commander will obviously have the final say in what is shown but I’ll make sure to show your relationship for what it is.”

His curiosity got the best of him. “What is that?”

“Destiny.”

Kaidan let out a snort, and Diana cocked her head at him. He shook his head. “I’ll talk to her about it, but I’m not making any promises.” She grinned, and leaned back in her seat, arms folded over her chest triumphantly. He stood and cleared the dishes from the table before heading to the elevator to the cargo bay. He was ready for this day to be over already and it had just begun. 

They were scheduled to reach Horizon within the hour, Kaidan took this time to prep his gear. He had just finished pulling on his underarmor when he heard the elevator door open behind him. He turned and watched Shepard step off the elevator. Her eyes dark, and her lips thin as she rubbed the back of her neck. She stepped up next to him and started dressing for the mission. 

Kaidan finished first and sat on the bench behind her as she secured the closures on her armor. When she stood, her back was to him in a silent request. He stood and his hands moved over the seams, ensuring everything was closed. When he double tapped her shoulder, he turned and allowed her to check his before they moved to the shuttle. She met his eyes briefly as they were joined by James and Liara. 

Kaidan noticed the way James watched Liara and Shepard, as if he was waiting for an altercation. Kaidan knew there wouldn’t be any issues. They were both more professional than that. He had to wonder just what James would do if there was an incident between Liara and Shepard. Would the young man step in and defend Liara to his CO, or would he risk Liara’s trust and defend Shepard? Kaidan realized then, if forced to choose, he’d choose the mission. James had already proved that on Fehl Prime. It didn’t matter, not really, nothing more would be said between Liara and Shepard regarding Thessia – not in front of anyone.

“Alright, what do we know about Horizon?” Shepard asked as she checked her sidearm, ensuring the weapon was ready for the mission. 

“There is a facility, Sanctuary, which has been devoted to aiding refugees from reaper controlled systems,” Liara started pulling up her omni’tool and displaying holos of advertisements for the safe haven. It promised safety, and security from the Reaper War.

EDI spoke up next, her disembodied voice bouncing off the walls of the cargo bay. “However, the facility went offline recently. There has been no communication to or from Sanctuary since.” 

Shepard turned her eyes back to Liara, who added, “It is unclear why Kai Leng or Cerberus would be interested in Sanctuary.”

“Well, Shadow Broker, I guess we’ll have to find the connection, won’t we?” Shepard snapped with a sigh, her hands on her hips and her head down. Kaidan was surprised, but knew it stemmed from frustration, and the reprimand Tevos would have been delivering before she came to the bay. Liara flushed purple and glanced at James before turning away.

“Godspeed, Commander,” she answered, head held high, before walking away as Shepard ordered them onto the shuttle. James made quick eye contact with Kaidan who shook his head. The Lieutenant glanced back at Liara as she waited for the elevator. The shuttle doors closed.

Shepard ordered Cortez to take them out as the trio secured themselves into their seats. The gravity shifted as the shuttle took off, leaving the Normandy behind them. The planet came into view and Kaidan shifted as he saw what was once his home; well, for the better part of a year anyway. He glanced at Shepard. They didn’t have a really great track record with Horizon. He hoped today was better. 

“Ma'am,” Cortez started. Shepard placed her hand on Kaidan’s knee, giving it a squeeze as she undid her belt.

“It’s Shepard, Cortez; what have you got?” she corrected him as she moved to stand behind him, her hand on the back of his seat. 

“Shepard, I'm picking up a signal from the facility. Hold on, it's weak; I'll try to boost it.” They listened together, but the message itself was too muffled to make out. They could only tell it was a message from Oriana Lawson.

“Lawson?” Kaidan asked. “Like Miranda Lawson?” He remembered the cool blue of the operative’s eyes, and the teasing swing of her perfected hips. He’d still never told Shepard he’d received her medical records from Miranda, or that he’d read them. 

Shepard turned and met his eyes across the shuttle. “Oriana, yeah, Miranda's sister. If she’s here, Miranda can't be far away.” She turned to look back out the front of the shuttle.

“Well, there’s our link to Cerberus,” Kaidan responded simply. Any further comment was interrupted by Cortez’s announcement that they were approaching the LZ.

The facility was deserted, and destroyed. Ships had crashed in the courtyard, empty cruisers sat in a line waiting for entry. The trio made their way through, searching for some sign of the refugees, or Miranda. Just as the reached the entrance to the main building, a Cerberus shuttle landed, depositing soldiers. Kaidan felt it as Shepard started her Charge, for a second he felt the familiar tug as she took off across the area. He swore he could hear the crack of the unfortunate Cerberus agent’s bones from across the courtyard. James chuckled lightly over the comm as they followed her, cleaning up what was left moving in her wake. It wasn’t much.

They were making their way into the building proper, when Kaidan had the strange sensation he was being watched. He turned to look up just as a shadow fell over him. There was a sharp pain in his neck and shoulders as something landed on him. Suddenly, he was flat on his back, staring at the sky. His ears were ringing, and his eyesight blurred. He heard muted grunting as he pushed himself to a sitting position. He looked up just in time to watch James snap the Cerberus Phantom’s neck. It’s katana-like blade dropping to the floor before James released the slender body. Shepard reached him a second later.

“What-?” he mumbled as she unhooked his helmet. She cupped his face and looked in his eyes. James turned his back to them as he scanned the area for more hostile targets. 

“It jumped from the upper level. It’s like a fuckin ninja on speed. We didn’t know it was there. It blocked our scanners.” He looked to the body lying nearby. It could have killed him. She was wiping his forehead, clearing away the blood.

He could see the concern in her eyes. “Hey, I’m fine.” She hummed a response but said nothing as she pulled the medi-gel out of the pocket on her armor. When she met his eyes again, he could see the darkness lingering. She was shaken, it was clear. “Seriously, Sloan,” he whispered her name and he heard her swallow, her cheeks flushing. He never used her first name on duty, but he needed to break through whatever it was she was telling herself now. He took her free hand. “It’s just a scratch.”

She barely nodded at him, and he released her hand. “Well,” her eyes darted to the wound on his forehead, “we can’t let this gorgeous face get all scarred up now can we?” She smoothed the gel over the cut and he smiled at her. She stood then, tucking the open pack of medi-gel back in her pocket before offering Kaidan her hand. She pulled him to his feet, and he clipped his helmet to his hip as they continued into the complex.

It didn’t take long for them to discover what was really going on at Sanctuary. It surprised Kaidan that there was another level of depravity. He thought he’d seen the worst of it. He was wrong. Sanctuary was a slaughterhouse. They lured desperate refugees, and then harvested them. Humans made husks, turians made marauders, asari made banshees. The facility was completely infested, but at some point the reapers attacked the Cerberus forces running Sanctuary. 

It was video from Miranda that explained why. Cerberus believed they could learn to control the reapers. The Illusive Man believed the Crucible would not destroy the Reapers, but that it would allow him to control them if he just made small changes to the plans. “He’s completely lost his mind…,” Shepard muttered as they continued through the building, looking for any sign of survivors and clearing the reaper troops as they went. 

It sickened Kaidan; though, he kept a straight face as they killed the refugee turned reaper troops. It was an effective strategy the Reapers used. He remembered Garrus saying something to that effect. As he killed the husks, he saw how easy it would be for someone with less military experience to be overwhelmed by the fact that they were killing humans – or, what was once human. He wanted nothing more than to return to the Normandy, clean himself of the matter splattered over him as they fought their way through the facility. 

His amp hummed at the base of his skull; it was warm, comfortably so. They seemed to move quickly, dispatching the remaining reaper forces almost easily. Kaidan couldn’t stem the near elation as they cleared another room. James was a force to be reckoned with, and he could see why Anderson had chosen him to guard Shepard. 

His thoughts were interrupted by a scream and the sound of shattering glass from inside the room. When Kaidan completed the hack, and the door opened, they entered with weapons ready. The window on the opposite wall had been blown out. They were met with the perfect form of Miranda, sheathed in blue, fists clenched at her sides. She turned wild eyes to the trio as they entered. Her stare darted to a figure on the floor. Kaidan went to the huddled mass as soon as he noticed the blood beneath it. James moved to the broken window, ‘tool open and scanning. Kaidan was distracted by the wounded woman in front of him and ran a scan as Shepard asked, “Miranda, what happened?” She pulled off her helmet and clipped it to her hip.

“Kai Leng happened,” Miranda muttered as she went to Kaidan’s side. “Is she…?”

“She’ll be alright; nothing vital was hit,” Kaidan answered as he wrapped pressure bandages around the young girl’s abdomen. Miranda moved her sister’s head to her lap and pushed the hair from her face. Kaidan turned his gaze back to the wound. It was serious, not critical, but she would need blood transfusions, and he said as much to Miranda.

“I’ll donate,” Miranda offered quickly.

“We have to test your blood fir-” 

“I’m a match. I’ll donate,” she snapped, interrupting him. He let the subject drop, not sure he wanted to know how she knew with such certainty. Maybe she had tested them before. Shepard heard his prognosis, he knew because she was already on the comm with Chakwas, letting her know they were bringing in Miranda’s sister. 

Shepard’s words were lost on a soft, pained gasp. It was the only indication that anything was wrong. He turned to look at Shepard. Her back was rigid but bowed. Her hands splayed open and at her sides. Her eyes wide, tears rolling freely down her cheeks, and her jaw dropped in a silent scream. Kaidan wasn’t sure right away what he was looking at. Then he noticed what was wrong. Something long and thin protruded from her chest. The metal reflected the light making the red streaks stand out as they dripped from the edge of the blade. Then it was gone, and she sank to her knees. 

Kai Leng stood, triumphant, in the doorway. His face twisted into a vicious sneer.

Kaidan’s control faltered and he flared without thought. The power running over him momentarily without direction. He watched as Shepard fell to her side. The red pooling too quickly around her form. “Sloan…” he whispered her name and scrambled to her side. Leng took off; Kaidan didn’t care. He felt something bulky brush by him as he reached her. His hands shook as he pulled off his gloves. He rolled her to her back. Miranda joined him at her side, opening her tool and taking over her care. Kaidan met Sloan’s eyes and watched through his persistent tears as she struggled to breathe. 

“Kaidan,” her voice was a terrified, hoarse whisper as the first tears rolled down his cheeks. He gripped her hand and cradled her head in his lap. Her blood seeped through the brakes in his armor and soaked into his underarmor. He wiped at his eyes violently and looked down to her. She was pale, too pale. She was shaking; the medic in him told him it was shock, he was convinced it was fear and pain. Tears spilled down her temples, disappearing into her hair. She whispered something on her exhale and Kaidan almost didn’t hear it. He was too distracted by how still she’d gone, by the blood coating her teeth and the sick metallic scent of her breath. The last thing she said, before her eyes went blank and her body limp, “It’s just a scratch.”


	83. Chapter 83

Her heart had stopped.

Kaidan finally let himself rest. He’d returned to the Normandy on full auto-pilot. He ignored the looks and comments from the crew, and his friends. He completed his reports and ordered Joker to the Citadel – which was unnecessary as he was already on the way. Now, he was in the mess with nothing left to distract him from the fact that Sloan’s heart had stopped beating.  


He wrapped his hands around a slowly cooling cup of coffee. There was a sharp pain every time he took a breath. Tension was building at the base of his head. Nausea rolled through his stomach and he swallowed bile as it burned the back of his throat. His BDUs felt stiff and he focused on the scratch of the rough material to distract himself from the dried blood he knew was crusted on his knees. He glanced up to the med-bay windows as he took a drink of his coffee, but Chakwas still had them blurred. He had no idea what was happening. He focused on what he did know.

Shepard’s heart had stopped. 

The chair next to him grated on the metal floor as it was pulled from the table. He didn’t look, but knew it was Tali and Traynor who had joined him. They didn’t speak, just added their silence to his. A heaviness settled over the mess as they waited. Garrus and James arrived next. Garrus found a seat next to Tali, stretching his arm out behind her. James placed his hand on Kaidan’s shoulder as he passed him and sat at the table. Slowly but surely everyone joined him. The day’s tasks were done; the on duty crew was thinning out. The silence was choking him as he waited. Everyone was anxious, waiting for word on the Commander, but they didn’t know. They didn’t know.

Shepard’s heart had stopped. 

“So, is it true Shepard beat a Yahg?” Traynor asked, breaking the silence. Kaidan’s knuckles turned white as his grip tightened. His jaw clenched so hard his teeth hurt. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. 

“It is, actually,” Garrus answered, his two-toned voice rolling. 

“Bullshit,” James countered leaning back in his seat. 

“No, the Shadow Broker was a Yahg. The Shadow Broker picked a fight with the wrong asari anthropologist. Liara enlisted Shepard’s help, and long story short, Liara’s the Shadow Broker,” Garrus answered, a few chuckles broke the somber mood briefly; too briefly. Garrus let out a deep breath. “She did so much for all of us, especially before we took down the Collectors.”

“She spoke so elegantly with the Admiralty Board. If it wasn’t for her, I would have been exiled from the Flotilla, branded a traitor. Now look at me! I’m an Admiral!” Tali added, and Kaidan was surprised he hadn’t heard about this before. He took another drink of coffee as Tali recounted some of the things Sloan had said about her. Kaidan could tell, even through Tali’s trill, that her voice trembled with emotion. Kaidan wanted to say something, but he thought if he opened his mouth to speak or react in anyway he’d vomit. So, instead he looked down to his coffee and bit his tongue. 

“She always went out of the way for us. For the craziest things. Saving me on Omega, then helping me track down and kill Sidonis. It was my craving for revenge, and I know she didn’t fully agree with my decision, but she knew it was what I needed. So, she helped me. If she hadn’t shown up when she did, I would have been dead four times over on Omega,” Garrus filled in. Kaidan let out a deep breath and his eyes locked on the med-bay windows, hoping for some kind of clue as to Sloan’s status. 

“She helped Jack with the Cerberus training facility, and even Jacob with his father,” Joker contributed, and Kaidan’s brow creased as he looked to the pilot. Joker’s eyes were hidden beneath the brim of his hat as he sat hunched forward. Worry on his shoulders like a boulder. “She didn’t even like Jacob, but she still did what she needed to make sure his head was clear before we went through the relay.” Kaidan watched as Joker folded his arms over his chest and leaned back, his head still down. 

“She always looked out for us.” It was Tali speaking now, and Kaidan could barely hear her over the rushing of blood through his veins. His palms were slick with sweat against his mug of cold coffee. Rage bubbled in his gut and his leg bounced without his control. “She was–”

“Goddamn it!” Kaidan shouted, his hands slapped the table hard as he stood. His chair falling behind him. His outburst silencing Tali and bringing all of their attention to him. He picked up his chair and slammed it into the table. His coffee sloshing over the side and splattering, pooling around the mug. He stared at the puddle. It turned red and thick in his mind’s eye, like the blood spilled from Shepard and congealing around her body. “Stop talking about her like she’s dead! She’s right there!” He pointed to the med-bay. “She’s not dead!” He growled the words, and everyone had the decency to drop their gaze from him – everyone but Joker. The pilot stared at him, and he felt his hands – fisted at his sides – start to tremble. “She’s not.”

He turned on a heel and left them at the table. He took long, fast strides to the lounge. He needed a drink. He needed something harder than coffee. He needed something to settle his nerves and caffeine wasn’t going to work. A frustrating voice in the back of his mind reminded him. Her heart had stopped. He wouldn’t accept her death until Chakwas told him she was gone. He wouldn’t accept her death until he held her lifeless body in his arms. He had made that mistake once and he wouldn’t do it again.

He reached the lounge, and it was vacant. The lights dim and blissfully silent. He went to the bar and poured a healthy serving of some kind of batarian whiskey into a glass. He emptied it in one swallow before refilling it. He moved around the bar to the stools and left the bottle open next to him as he sat, resting his elbows on the bar and his head in his hands. He sighed and it shook on his exhale. The burning ball of unshed tears sat lodged in his throat as he forced the air around it. He took another drink of the whiskey. He refilled the glass and stared at the amber liquid. 

He heard the door open behind him and wondered who was the unlucky sap that followed him. “Hey.” It was Joker. Kaidan sighed, and said nothing. Joker retrieved his own glass before joining Kaidan. Kaidan was glad he didn’t say anything. Joker took the seat next to him, reaching past him to retrieve the bottle and pour himself a drink. “I’m guessing I have some catching up to do.” Joker took a long drink and sighed. 

They let the silence linger another minute. Kaidan let one arm fall to rest on the table, opening himself up to Joker who glanced at him from the corner of his eye. Kaidan cleared his throat before taking another drink. “Chakwas hasn’t given up.” The pilot spoke quietly. “That has to mean something.” Kaidan didn’t respond. He knew if anyone could bring her back to him it was Chakwas. “Miranda’s there, too, and she brought her back once already.”

What if she doesn’t want to come back?

Kaidan didn’t voice the morbid thought. Instead, he looked to Joker and sighed. He emptied his glass again. “There was a lot of blood.” Kaidan poured himself another drink and sat back, crossing his arms over his chest and saying nothing more. They sat in silence for a long time. Kaidan wasn’t sure how much time went by, but he was grateful for his friend’s silent companionship. He continued to drink as Joker slowed down. His biotic metabolism would keep him sober longer. 

Kaidan could still hear her pained gasp. He could see the pain and terror on her face. He could hear the trembling rasp that was her voice before she lost consciousness. He swallowed more whiskey, hoping to choke down the unshed tears still scorching in his throat. He was so helpless, then and now. “I couldn’t stop it.” He hadn’t meant to speak the words out loud, but there it was, and Joker looked to him. Kaidan met his eyes and forced the words out of his dry throat. “I couldn’t stop Leng. I knew, I knew, something was off. I felt it the whole time we were there. I should have known he was there. I missed it. Then, I couldn’t stop her bleeding. What kind of medic am I?”

Joker remained wonderfully silent. The pilot took another sip of his drink.

“I’m supposed to protect her,” Kaidan spoke the words, and Joker laughed. The pilot threw his head back and laughed, loud and from his gut. Kaidan glared at him, his lips set in a firm, thin line. 

“I’d like to be there when you tell Shepard that one, alright; promise me?” Joker asked around his laughter, shaking his head and taking another drink. An unexpected chuckle slipped from Kaidan, and self-hate settled in his core for laughing when Sloan was … whatever she was right now. Joker turned in his seat and stared at Kaidan. “How?” Joker asked. Kaidan stared at him. He wondered momentarily if it was the alcohol he drank that confused him. “How were you supposed to protect her? How were you supposed to know Leng was there?” Kaidan dropped his eyes. He didn’t want Joker to make him feel better. He wanted to sit and sulk. He should have known Joker wouldn’t let that happen. “Shepard didn’t even know he was there, and if there is anyone who doesn’t need protecting, it’s Shepard.”

He knew Joker was trying to make him feel better, but the only thing that would is knowing that Shepard was going to be okay. As every moment passed, Kaidan was less and less sure that would happen. He finished his drink; the empty glass hitting the bar a little harder than expected. “Thanks, Joker.” Kaidan offered the sentiment, but they both knew it was empty. There was only one thing that would help, and it wasn’t something Joker could give. He could, however, sit in silence with Kaidan, and – much to Kaidan’s delight – that’s what they did.

It wasn’t a heavy silence. It was quite nice, actually. It was the first time in a long time that Kaidan felt like he was in the company of a friend when he was with Joker. Kaidan stood moving to a couch and stretching his feet in front of him. His hands folded on his midsection and his head resting on the back of the couch. He stared at the ceiling. “So,” Kaidan started, “you and EDI, huh?”

“What?” Joker nearly spit out his drink, and Kaidan’s lips pulled into a smile.

“You heard me,” Kaidan answered simply closing his eyes. Sloan’s face flashed before him. He opened his eyes and sat up. 

“Is it … I don’t know. I could break a bone just from some light over the clothes action,” Joker exclaimed standing and moving to sit across from him. 

Kaidan chuckled softly. “Can’t she hear us?”

Joker shook his head. “No, I asked her for privacy in here before I followed you.”

Kaidan nodded. “Thanks.” Silence filled the space between them. ‘’I don’t see anything… wrong with you and EDI. I mean, let’s say you do nothing, and we all die tomorrow,” Kaidan’s voice was rough with emotion as he spoke of the possibility, of their mortality, ignoring the fact that Shepard was hanging on by a thread. “You wouldn’t want any regrets, would you? There’s always a risk. That doesn’t mean it’s not worth it.”

“Says the man who broke all kinds of frat regs,” Joker broke the tension and turned the focus of mortality to something lighter. Kaidan grinned, the ache growing in his chest at the time it was taking the doctors to work on Shepard. 

“Kaidan?” EDI’s voice rang out in the room. Kaidan looked to the ceiling as if he could see her. His heart at his feet. “I know Jeff asked me to leave you be, but I thought you’d like to know that Dr. Chakwas is requesting your presence.” Kaidan couldn’t move. EDI’s inflection gave no indication as to whether or not Sloan was okay. Kaidan’s wide eyes met Joker’s. The pilot nodded to the door and Kaidan didn’t think he’d ever moved so fast.

He thought he noticed the group still assembled in the mess as he reached the med-bay. He paused at the door, wiping his hands on his pants and taking a few deep breaths. The door opened and before he could cross the threshold, Dr. Chakwas stepped through with Lawson following. He glanced into the med-bay as the doors closed. He only saw Oriana. Dr. Chakwas placed her hand on his chest, and he looked down and met the doctor’s guarded green eyes. His gaze flicked to Miranda and back. 

“Kaidan, I need you to focus here for a moment, okay?” Chakwas asked, slowly and calmly and Kaidan nodded turning his attention back to her. “Sloan’s heart stopped and she lost too much blood. Her organs began to shut down. There was nothing, medically, I could do for her,” Chakwas informed him, and Kaidan’s head swam and he swayed on his feet. He felt confident hands grip his arms, steadying him. He dropped his head as tears filled his eyes. 

“Major Alenko,” Lawson’s cool, accented voice broke through the fog of his shock and he lifted his head and met her eyes. “I was able to activate the VI and the programing used during Project Lazarus. Her heart had only stopped for a few seconds before the program was able to take over for her. We’ve give her blood transfusions from her own donated supply.”

“Wait, I thought, Chakwas said….” Confusion won out, and Kaidan stepped away from Chakwas leaning against the bulkhead. “Dr. Chakwas, you said her organs were shutting down, that you couldn’t do anything.” Chakwas looked to Miranda. “Not medically, but scientifically, I may have been able to save her.”

“Tell me again.” He needed to understand what had been done to keep her here with him.

“When we resurrected her, we used a VI and nanite technology to repair organs and control system functions. Once she was strong enough to survive without them, we turned off the programming. However, we were unable to remove the technology because muscle and tissue had grown over them. It would have caused more damage to remove it than it would to leave it. When her body gave out, I was able to activate the VI and the programming. This gave us time to transfuse the blood supply and save her vital organs. I believe she will be fine, the question is whether or not there was any brain damage in the time between her heart stopping and the VI starting. We will know more if she wakes up.” Miranda explained the science. All Kaidan heard was that she was okay. 

“Wait, if?” he asked, his gaze bouncing between scientist and doctor.

“When she wakes up,” Miranda corrected. “So long as there has been no damage to the VI since the closing of Lazarus, I believe she will be okay, but I can’t promise anything until she’s awake.” Kaidan nodded.

“Can I see her?” he asked, his voice hoarse as he spoke through the relief. He still had the nagging concern that she wouldn’t be okay, but for now, her heart was beating and she was breathing. He would take whatever he could get. Chakwas nodded and they stepped out of his way. The door sighed open and he crossed the threshold. His eyes landed briefly on Oriana again, before bouncing over to Sloan. 

A quiet sob slipped from his throat as tears filled his eyes. He took small slow steps to her bedside. He stared down at her face. She looked so small, fragile. Tubes ran under blankets, and down her throat. She was hooked up to machines, some he was familiar with, others he didn’t understand. Sensors stuck to her temples and forehead, more on her chest. Her chocolate mane was matted to the top of her head, and tangled beneath her. Her soft, round face which usually held such emotion, was still and cold. Her skin, cheeks he loved to watch turn pink, were pale, ashen. Her lips, usually soft and strawberry red, were chapped and broken around the tubes running down her throat.

He didn’t realize he’d actually started crying until the tears hit his chest, soaking into his BDUs. He turned his watery stare to the heart monitor and watched it track the rhythm of her heartbeat. He watched it swim before him, counting the beats and the seconds between. He glanced around quickly finding a chair; he pulled it to her bedside. He sat, taking her hand in his and bringing it to his lips. He pressed kisses to her fingers and her palm, placing her hand against his cheek. 

He closed his eyes, taking slow deep breaths. He listened to the gentle beeping of the monitors as it played his favorite song. He wrapped his hands around hers, his fingers resting over the pulse point in her wrist. He focused on her heartbeat. He clung to that; as long as her heart was beating she was alive. As long as her heart was beating there was a chance. 

Miranda had said there wasn’t much time between her heart stopping and the VI being activated. The problem was the blood loss. If she didn’t have enough blood to circulate to the muscles and organs, it didn’t matter that her heart was beating. There would still be damage. He forced the negative thoughts from his mind. He chose to be positive. He chose to believe she would wake up and be fine. He leaned forward, his lips at her ear. He whispered, “Sloan, I love you. Please, stay here with me.” He pressed his forehead to her temple, closing his eyes and hoping she would choose him over the darkness. 

Hoping she loved him enough to come back to hell.


	84. Chapter 84

He had hoped she’d be awake by the time they reached the Citadel. Lawson and Chakwas had both told him not to expect that, or anything at this point. Still, so much time had gone by since her injury he had expected more improvement. They had to get her from the Normandy’s docking bay to the hospital. The last thing Kaidan wanted was press at the bay taking pictures of Shepard the way she was. Hooked up to machines, pale and ashen, looking like death. Not only did it break his heart, and he never wanted her to see it, but the images would be detrimental to the war effort.

He hated that the war effort was even a factor. 

Dr. Chakwas reached out to Dr. Michel as they entered the Widow system. She had offered to send an ambulance to the Normandy to pick Shepard up, but it was decided that would bring too much attention. It took them a while to come up with a plan, but in the end Cortez would take Shepard, Chakwas, and Lawson to Huerta in the shuttle. He would take them to a back entrance where Michel would meet them. They would have to be fast. The Normandy docking at the Citadel would bring attention, and the media would be at the docking bay within minutes. 

Kaidan’s hand was wrapped around Shepard’s while he read over reports from EDI. It seemed as if EDI had located some of Kaidan’s students. He only wished that good news wasn’t overpowered by his worry for Sloan. His attention was caught again but he monitors beeping over her head. He let out a sigh and moved closer to her bed. His eyes trailed over her face. “We’re almost to the Citadel. We’ll get you to Huerta,” he paused, closing down his ‘tool. He heard the door sigh open behind him. The click of Lawson’s heels bounced off the walls and grated on his nerves. 

He reminded himself it was because of the ex-Cerberus agent that Sloan even had a chance. Again. He glanced up at her as she stopped across from him. She opened her ‘tool and ran scans over Sloan. “Any changes?” he asked softly, his voice quiet and heavy with nerves.

“Continuous improvement,” Lawson answered, her tone cool. “It’s similar to the end of Lazarus. I’m seeing a lot of the same readings. My concern is whether or the organs will continue to work independent of the VI.”

“When will we know?” Kaidan’s gaze moved back to Sloan’s face. Her lips were dry and cracked around the breathing tube. 

“Once we get to Huerta, I’ll be able to run better tests to determine the viability of the repairs,” she explained, and Kaidan nodded as the door to the bay opened behind him. It was time to go. Kaidan was ushered away from her bedside, reluctantly releasing her hand. Everything happened fast after that. Machines were moved, somehow made portable. They covered her in a sheet, and moved her to a gurney. A rush of voices, movement, noise, a med bay filled with people for just a few minutes. 

As quickly as they had come, they left. The med bay was suddenly still. The silence choked him as he looked around at the empty cords, lying unplugged on the floor. His hands fisted at his sides. He had to take care of the docking protocol. He had to alert the station and Command. He cleared his throat, closing his eyes briefly and taking a deep breath. He would take care of the business of the day. He would shower and change and get to Huerta to check in with Chakwas and Lawson.

He could be back at her side in two hours. 

It amazed him how quickly the ship could be emptied. As it was, by the time he left the med bay to head to the Bridge most of the crew had vacated. He didn’t blame them. They had to wait for orders, which would depend on Shepard’s prognosis. He was standing behind Joker moments later and the pilot looked up at him. 

“They want to put her into dry-dock for repairs. I told them they had to wait until we got confirmation of leave from the Commander. They accepted that for now, but I don’t know how long they’ll wait.” The pilot was in the process of shutting down the ship. 

“Thanks, Joker. A decision will be made by morning,” Kaidan offered and Joker nodded as he stood carefully. 

“Keep us posted, alright?” he asked as he met Kaidan’s gaze. Kaidan knew he shouldn’t be surprised by the worry in Joker’s eyes. Kaidan agreed stepping back to allow Joker to reach the airlock. “You heading to Huerta now?”

“I’m going to grab a quick shower and a change of clothes first.” They said their goodbyes, and Kaidan turned on a heel to head to the elevator and their cabin. He crossed the threshold into their shared space and was slapped by her smell and the harsh reality of her absence. He swallowed hard and ducked into the shower. As the water washed over him, he allowed himself a self-indulgent moment to feel the fear, to try to accept the fact that she may not return. It was a real possibility that had lingered at the back of his mind since the Reapers hit Earth, but it was something he never really allowed himself to consider. Now that he was faced with having to continue alone, he wasn’t sure he could. His chest constricted and his breath stopped on his exhale as tears filled with his eyes. 

In the safety of their shared space, he could strip himself of Major status. It was what they promised this space would be. Sanctuary. A place for Kaidan and for Sloan, not for Major Alenko or Commander Shepard, not for the only human spectres. While the Major, the Spectre, could compartmentalize and continue on, Kaidan didn’t think he could; he knew he couldn’t, not without Sloan. Not again. His tears spilled over, mixing with the hot water of his shower. His body shook with his sobs, and his terror. He nearly buckled under the weight of his responsibility. 

He forced his emotions back under control, shutting them away deep inside. She would be disappointed in him. She would hate his weakness. He took a few deep breaths, calming himself. He told himself she would be fine. Lawson had brought her back once; she could do it again. He washed quickly, surprised that her blood still stained his knees. Was this his first shower since her attack? 

He finished and dressed with military efficiency, abandoning their cabin and the Normandy as quickly as possible. When he stepped off the ship, he stood taller, broader. He made himself take up more space, made himself look as commanding as he needed to feel. Reporters raced to him, shouting questions about the unscheduled return to the Citadel and where was Commander Shepard? No one had seen her leave the Normandy. Thank god. He quickened his steps to evade them. They reached him just as he climbed into a sky car.

He ordered the driver to Huerta. He wasn’t sure if he was grateful or annoyed by how quickly he reached the hospital. He wanted to be at her side, but he feared the conversation he was going to have with Lawson. He quickly paid the drive and made his way inside. He passed reception and moved right to the patient area. He spotted Drs. Chakwas and Michel speaking with Lawson in a corner. Dr. Chakwas noticed and waved him over. 

“Major Alenko,” Lawson greeted with a nod.

“How is she?” he asked quickly, his gaze bouncing between the three women. 

“Stable,” Dr. Michel answered. “I have to admit I am amazed by the science at work here.” Kaidan watched Dr. Michel’s gaze flicker to Lawson. He didn’t know if she knew of Lawson’s previous Cerberus affiliation, but he could definitely sense a feeling of caution between the women. “I believe Ms. Lawson is correct and we need to allow time for the VI and the nanites to continue working to repair the damage from the attack, and the blood loss, but I believe she will recover. It’s just a matter of time now.” Kaidan’s chest burned until he exhaled, not realizing he’d been holding his breath. “You can go see her, but she’s still unconscious.” Kaidan nodded, looking the way Dr. Michel had gestured. He thanked the women and turned on his heel to take up his vigil. 

He entered the room and was met with the familiar beeping of machines and the harsh scent of antiseptic. His eyes moved over her and he didn’t know if he was imagining it but she seemed to look better. Someone had bathed her and brushed out her hair. Some of her color had returned to her cheeks and her lips looked softer. He pulled a chair up to her bed. He reached out and let the back of his fingers gently run along her cheek. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to her forehead. He sat, and took her hand in his. He lifted it, holding it and resting his head against their hands. His fingers found their spot over her pulse point and he counted. 

He wasn’t sure how much time had gone by as he kept his spot at her side. He knew the Council would have been notified of their arrival on the station and he was expecting them to contact him. When his omni’tool sounded, he started, cursing quietly he set her hand down and opened the message. He hadn’t expected Hackett to contact him. He read over the message and felt an unfamiliar sense of rage and annoyance bubbling in his core. 

All he wanted to do was end this goddamn war. He wanted to be done. He wanted to finish the Crucible and fire it and see what happens. If nothing else, he wanted to take the woman before him and the Normandy and fly off to a dark corner of the universe and hide. He read over the message again. Maybe it was the tone of the message, the fact that it was an order. Sure, Hackett had every right to order them to do something, but fuck, it seemed like as soon as they had a plan someone – Hackett, Anderson, or a group of people they were looking to for help – would demand their attention diverted to something else. He sent a message to James to meet him here and closed his ‘tool.

He looked to Shepard, taking her hand again. “Absconding with the Normandy and living like pirates is looking better and better every day, Sloan.”

It didn’t take James long to reach Huerta. Kaidan heard the door open and the large man’s footsteps behind him. He set Sloan’s hand down and turned toward the marine. “Major?” James greeted with a salute that Kaidan waved off. “What can I do for you?”

“Hackett sent me a message requesting we seek out a Dr. Garret Bryson. I’d like you to take Liara and Garrus and meet with him at his lab,” Kaidan opened his ‘tool and forwarded the message. “I’m not sure what this information is, but I’m putting this in your hands, Lieutenant. Report back to me when you know something.”

“Yes, Sir,” James nodded, standing straighter and his chest wide with pride. Kaidan watched James’s gaze flick to Sloan and his shoulders fell slightly. “How is she?” James wet his lips and turned back to Kaidan. 

“On the mend; the docs believe she’ll recover. It’s just a matter of time,” Kaidan offered, his eyes narrowed. “Feel free to share that with the Garrus and Liara, and they’ll know who to tell, but aside from that it doesn’t leave this room. I don’t want word of her injury leaking and causing a fuss.” James nodded. “That’ll be all.” James, recognizing the dismissal, turned on a heel. “Vega?” Kaidan called out before he reached the door. James turned. “Thank you.” He nodded, his gaze moving between Kaidan and Shepard before he left. 

Kaidan knew Hackett was expecting either himself or Sloan to follow up on the lead. He had to admit, there was no reason he couldn’t go – no reason other than he wanted to be here when she woke up. James was a competent soldier and he trusted him, and knew Sloan did, too. He knew James could handle meeting with Bryson. He sent Liara with because of her information connections and knowledge of ancient history. He sent Garrus as additional authority should James need it. Right now, all Kaidan wanted to think about, was the blue of Sloan’s eyes and how long it would be before he could see it again.

A nurse came by after a while. She checked Sloan’s vitals, and Kaidan watched for any kind of reaction to the numbers. Once she marked them on her ‘tool, she looked to Kaidan. “You’ve been here all day; have you eaten?” Her voice was soft, kind. Maybe even a little familiar. He shook his head. “If I bring you something, will you eat it?” She placed her hands on her hips, her weight shifting to one leg and Kaidan gave her a grateful smile and nodded. 

She left then, with a promise to return and Kaidan leaned back in his chair, the time already passed sneaking up on him and tugging at his senses. He yawned, kicking his feet out in front of him, and lacing his fingers with hers on the bed. His ‘tool sounded and he jumped slightly. Momentarily disoriented, his eyes flew to the monitors, then to Sloan’s still peaceful face. He sighed, scrubbing his hands over his face, digging his fingers into his eyes in an attempt to wake himself up. He stretched his neck from side to side, enjoying the pops and the release of tension. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed as he dozed. He rubbed the back of his neck as he noticed the cooled tray of food the nurse had brought him. He reached and opened the juice as the door to Sloan’s room opened behind him. 

“Major Alenko.” James’s low voice broke the near silence and Kaidan turned and looked at him. 

“Vega?” It took a minute for Kaidan to remember Hackett’s message and the mission he’d sent James on. “What happened with Bryson?” Kaidan watched Garrus and Liara move to flank him as the trio stood before him. James was effervescent, rocking on his heels with his hands clasped behind his back; they must have found something. 

“Well, not what we expected. Dr. Bryson believed he had found a race that predates the Reapers: Leviathan. He believed them to be reaper killers, an apex predator. Apparently, his colleague Dr. Garneau has more information,” James started and Kaidan held up a hand. 

“Who’s Garneau? What happened to Bryson?” Kaidan took a long drink of juice as he eyed the stale sandwich left for him. 

“Dr. Bryson’s assistant was … indoctrinated,” James paused when Kaidan’s jaw dropped, his eyebrows shooting up to his hairline. “There was an artifact in the office, believed to be from Leviathan, and Dr. Bryson was killed by his assistant.” Kaidan was sure there was a migraine in his near future. He pinched the bridge of his nose as James continued. “We have the information from Bryson, and before he was killed he said we would need the information from Garneau.”

“Where’s his assistant?” Kaidan asked, his gaze moving between James and Garrus.

“In custody,” Garrus’ flanging voice answered easily and Kaidan nodded.

“We’ve managed to track down Garneau’s location,” Liara added, and Kaidan looked to her as she opened her ‘tool and pulled up a map of the galaxy. “He’s in a cluster within the Caleston Rift.” Kaidan’s sigh seemed to come from his toes. He turned and looked at Sloan.

“Even at FTL that’s a day’s travel,” Kaidan acknowledged. He hated feeling this conflicted. He knew he needed to go, but he wanted to stay here. He was always there when she woke up in the hospital. He didn’t want this to be any different. He knew, though, that the mission had to come first, and he knew she would understand that. It didn’t make it any easier. He stood, “Alright, let’s go.” 

James cleared his throat and Kaidan turned towards the younger man. “Something on your mind Lieutenant?”

“Permission to speak freely?” James’s question was answered with a simple nod as Kaidan leaned and rested his behind on the edge of Sloan’s bed. His arms crossed over his chest. “I would like to request your permission to lead the mission to retrieve Garneau.” Kaidan cocked an eyebrow at him and James sighed. “Listen, Viejo, we all know you’d rather be here, and there’s really no reason for you to have to come with. I’ve lead teams before; this is a simple retrieval. We’ll be there and back in two days, like you said.” 

Kaidan looked to Garrus and Liara. He knew this was a team trusted by himself, and Sloan. They were right. It was a simple mission. Once Garneau learned of Bryson’s demise, Kaidan was sure he’d come back to the Citadel with no reservations. Why did he have this sense of dread in his core? He knew James was competent. He knew he was worthy of trust. He knew the man had proven himself. Even if he hadn’t, he had Garrus, Liara, and the rest of the Normandy crew at his back if he needed it. There was no reason not to let him go. 

“Vega’s right, Kaidan,” Garrus offered. The turian’s eyes moving back to Kaidan from Sloan. “Besides, Liara and I will go with him, keep him in check.” Kaidan looked to Liara who nodded simply. 

“Stay here with, Lola. She needs you here more than we need you to get Garneau,” James added, and it was that statement that decided it for Kaidan. 

He simply nodded. “Very well. I’ll submit the orders. I want you gone within the hour. I want to be notified immediately of any complications. Am I clear?”

“Crystal. I won’t let you down,” James promise held a sincerity that was usually lacking from his interactions. James liked to keep the mood light. He teased and flirted, but all of that was gone from him now. As he watched them leave, he knew he had left the Normandy and the mission in capable hands. He opened his ‘tool as he sat and sent the orders. Once it was done, he picked up the hours old sandwich and took a bite. He glanced at the monitors, then at Sloan’s face before kicking his feet out again and resting his head back against the chair, finishing his sandwich in just a few bites.

He ignored the trickle of unease as it slid down his spine.

Sloan would wake soon. The Normandy would be back in two days. Everything would be fine.


	85. Chapter 85

Three. James had been gone with the Normandy for three days. He was only supposed to be gone for forty-eight hours, and if there were any complications he'd been ordered to contact Kaidan. Kaidan heard nothing.

Two. The number of time Sloan's heart had stopped while James was gone. Something about blood clots in her implants shorting out systems. The alarms blared, startling Kaidan. His shock turned to near panic as the medical professionals rushed into the room and forced him out. He'd stood, helpless, outside her room waiting for them to allow her back in. It was two times too many.

One. One second. That's all he needed. If only her eyes would open for one second, he'd be able to breathe again. As it was, each moment spent by her bedside made it feel like her waking up was less likely. He was starting to wish he'd gone with the Normandy, if only for the distraction. However, he thought being in their cabin alone would be more painful than this.

The nurse broke the monotony of the morning, bringing him a breakfast tray and checking Shepard's vitals. She offered him a kind smile before leaving them alone again. Kaidan ate without tasting and opened his omni'tool to check his messages. He read them aloud; he did his thinking aloud, hoping she'd just start answering him.

What if the implants didn't work?

As he waiting for word from Vega he grew exponentially angrier. He should have made contact by now. It was as this thought crossed his mind that his omni'tool sounded. He opened the messaging program and felt relief deep in his gut when he saw the message was from Vega. The mission had not been the simple retrieval they had expected. Garneau was dead. The workers at the mining facility had been indoctrinated and had lost ten years of their lives. They had Ann Bryson, the doctor's daughter. Vega was on his way to Huerta with Garrus and Liara.

A sigh tore itself from his chest as he closed his tool. He scrubbed his hands over his face and leaned back in his chair. The door opened behind him and he sat straight without turning. He heard James's heels click together as he snapped to attention. The young man realized he'd broken rules; he was smart. He wasn't going to do anything that might make it worse until he knew how angry his CO was.

Liara moved soundlessly through the room to stand opposite Kaidan. He watched as she leaned over Shepard. Her gentle hands moving over Sloan's face in an easy caress. Garrus clicked, his undertones rumbling, and Kaidan knew their question. How was she? He didn't care about their questions right now. He waited, a pregnant silence filling the room broken only by Sloan's monitors. He spoke without turning. "Report."  


James spoke quickly and efficiently. They'd reached Garneau's site and found it protected by Reapers. There were artifacts scattered through the building. The staff at the site spoke in fear, though it seemed as if they had no idea what they were afraid of. They continued to block their search by being uncooperative, and vaguely threatening. The found that whatever this Leviathan was, it had held the employees of the mining company in its thralls for a decade. Kaidan let out a low whistle.

"Where's Garneau?" he asked, and James exchanged a glance with Garrus before continuing.

"Dead. Not sure for how long." Kaidan's eyebrow cocked at the response. "In researching his files at the site and in Dr. Bryson's lab—"

"How'd you get access to the lab; you weren't here?" Kaidan asked, feeling the agitation churn in his gut. He should not be the last to know this. He should not have let them go.

"Bailey with C-Sec owed me a favor. He took a couple guys down and did the research for us," Garrus answered. "With the information they got us, we were able to pick up Ann Bryson without having to come back here. She was one system over." Kaidan just nodded.

"And it never crossed your mind to contact me, to keep me updated on the situation, and your progress?" James's feet shuffled in an uncharacteristic show of nerves. Kaidan waited. James had taken advantage of the situation – of Sloan's situation in order to play Captain.

He heard Liara start to speak, but James cut her off, speaking more forceful. "Sir, due respect, it was the smart thing to do. We saved two-day's worth of time by picking Ms. Bryson up before we returned to the Citadel. It's what Shepard would have done. It's what you would have done. It's what I did."

"I'm not arguing the merit of your actions, just your decision not to keep your CO informed. You may be up for N-School, Vega, but you're not an agent, yet. You're a strong soldier, an intelligent man, and a skilled leader, but you need to remember that even leaders have superiors and need to report in." James turned red at Kaidan's words. It was clear he knew Kaidan was right.

"Yes, Sir. I understand, Sir," James replied, his hands clasped behind his back.

"Why didn't you contact me?" Kaidan asked, wanting to hear James's reasoning.

James dropped his eyes to Kaidan's for a brief second, and Kaidan watched the smirk pull at his lips. "I figured it was easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission." Kaidan sighed, feeling the fight leave him. Goddamn it if he didn't sound like Shepard. He shook his head turning to glance at the woman in bed and wondered what she would say.

"Alright, let's go talk to Ms. Bryson." Kaidan led them from the room, his mind turning over the bits of information he'd already learned from the team. Unbidden, a memory rose to the surface. His heart twinged even as his lips pulled in a smile. "Why is it whenever someone says 'with all due respect', they really mean 'kiss my ass'?" Ashley. He wondered what she would have thought of Vega. He seemed to be her type. He turned his attention back to Vega and Liara's discussion of the mission as they walked.

From what Kaidan had gathered from the reports and conversation with Vega, Garrus, and Liara, Dr. Bryson found evidence of a species that predated the Reapers, and these artifacts – like the one in Bryson's office and with Garneau – had the ability to indoctrinate. Yet, it was not the same as Reaper technology. Liara seemed to believe it was something that could help them, and Kaidan wanted to agree but the idea of adding another unknown made his gut churn.

"Kaidan," Liara's gentle voice broke through his thoughts and he hummed as he turned to look at her. She cleared her throat, making quick eye contact with Garrus over Kaidan's head. "How is she?" Her whisper was nearly inaudible. He sighed, shaking the echoes of her flat-line alarm from his mind. He took a long, slow breath. Concentrating on the slow expansion of his chest. His hands tingled at the slow rush of oxygen.

"She's the same," his voice was rough with lack of sleep, fear, and frustration. "We're waiting," his voice dripped with disdain and he reached up and rubbed the back of his neck. "She almost died twice… her heart stopped." James's steps faltered at Kaidan's admission and Kaidan's jaw clenched. He didn't understand why he was suddenly so angry. He knew they cared, and they had every reason to. It just felt intrusive. He didn't want to talk about her anymore. He didn't want to share his grief.

He felt the warmth of Liara's hand in his before he realized she was lacing their fingers. Sensory memory alone took him to Alchera. Standing with the asari and staring at the sky, knowing she was gone. This wasn't that, thankfully. She was still here. She would wake up. She had to.

They reached Bryson's lab before long and Ann met them at the door. Liara dropped his hand as the door opened. Ann's face was damp with fresh tears and her eyes still glistened. Kaidan remembered what they had told him about her father; she'd obviously been informed of his fate. So much death. It hung heavy around them and Kaidan's stomach churned as he tried to ignore it. She cleared her throat and James greeted her. She stepped aside, her eyes on the floor as they invaded her space.

Kaidan looked around the lab, starting slightly when a mounted husk head snapped at him. He shot a skeptical glance at Garrus who shrugged. "Ms. Bryson, please, take me through what we know about Leviathan." Kaidan asked as they spread out through the lab.

She took a deep breath, and when she met his eyes he had the sense she knew he was struggling as well. Her eyes were distant and her voice soft when she spoke again. "There isn't really a time I remember my father not searching for Leviathan. It's still hard for me to believe he's gone. I keep expecting him to walk through those doors." Her eyes shot to the entrance before dropping again. "It was this lifelong mission, this obsession. Family, Mom we took a backseat at times. He'd studied the orbs, and believed they were left here by an ancient alien race. He found the orbs scattered all over the galaxy. It was his belief, and we recently confirmed, that it was how the race – Leviathan – communicated. Kind of like their QEC."

Kaidan's eyes darted to the orb in the corner. He wondered if that is where the sensation that he was being watched had come from. He shrugged the thought away, and ignored the gooseflesh that rose on his back. "What is Leviathan?"

Ann looked to Kaidan, and shrugged, "We're still not 100% sure. Leviathan is an ancient alien race. Older than even the prothean," a sad smile tugged at her lips as she continued; "Dad believed they may have been older than the reapers. He thought, he hoped, that they would hold the key to ending the war but it seemed like they were always just out of reach, just around a corner."

Kaidan stared at the orb as Liara continued to speak with Ann about her father's research. Kaidan couldn't stop thinking about the possibility that her father was right. He couldn't stop thinking about the possibility that Leviathan could hold the key to ending the war; the key to saving the galaxy but more than that, the key to a life with Sloan, a life on the farm with animals and babies. "Could we use the orbs to locate them?" Kaidan asked the question, not even realizing he was interrupting Liara.

Ann stared at him, her mouth slack as she considered his request. She chewed her lip and followed his gaze to the orb. It pulsated, light flashing gently in the corner. "I don't know, I – we never attempted using the orbs. I'm not even sure how it would work," Ann admitted as she stood and went to a console. He followed her, standing over her shoulder and watching as her hands moved over the keys. "It's possible; if we link into it we may be able to communicate with it. Then, possibly, triangulate its position. Yeah, I just, I'm worried about the being able to handle the information. I think it might be too much for my systems to take."

Kaidan opened his 'tool and reached out to EDI. He filled her in quickly before connecting her to the Bryson's labs. "I know someone who can help with that." After introductions were made and the plan laid out, Ann sat next to the orb. Liara hooked her up to it. James stood near her, near the connection, ready to cut it if they needed to. EDI was ready to follow the signals. Kaidan waited, watching, hoping it would work.

James moved to stand next to Kaidan as they waited. "Sir, this thing… we don't know what it is. Are you sure letting Ann … connect with it is a good idea? It seems dangerous as hell."

Kaidan remained silent as they waited for her to prepare. "Noted. EDI, are we ready?" He heard James sigh as he stepped away from the Lt and towards the young scientist.

"Yes, Major, just waiting for activation," her pleasantly digital voice echoed in the room and Kaidan nodded moving to stand beside Ann. Liara and Garrus moved to the console to record and copy the interaction.

She looked up at him, and he could see the grief and the determination in her eyes. She nodded at Liara and she dropped the containment field from the artifact. It shimmered to life. The lovely greens and blues dancing over the orb and Ann's face. They waited as the energy pulsed. Seconds ticked by and Kaidan tried not to react to his impatience. "Anything yet?" Kaidan's question was answered by a clicking sound and he glanced at Garrus who glared at him before turning back to the console.

"No, I … wait, I feel ... cold and ... it's dark. I'm not sure, what…" Ann stalled, her eyes closing and her head dropping, chin to chest. James moved to stand behind her, his hands on her shoulders, keeping her in her seat. Kaidan waited his stomach in his throat as he anticipated what would happen next. He needed this to be something. It couldn't be a dead end. His hands clenched at his sides as he stared at the woman before him.

Ann gasped, seized, and started shaking. James cursed and gripped her arms as Kaidan stepped closer. EDI confirmed there was a connection and Kaidan waited to see if this Leviathan attempted to reach out to them through Ann. It did. It seemed as if the sound came from Ann and the orb at the same time. It reverberated off the walls and made Kaidan's amp tingle with energy. It threatened, demanding they leave it alone. It warned, the darkness cannot be breached. Kaidan scoffed. "We found you. You know that means the Reapers can find you. You're strong. You've lasted. You can help us end this war."

It spoke then, Ann's voice lost in the growling sounds of the ancient being. "There is no war. Only the harvest." James continued to struggle to hold on to Ann as her shaking grew more intense. Kaidan looked to Liara at the console.

EDI spoke, "We have a partial lock. Maintaining the connection will narrow the search." James reached out towards the containment field activation.

"Vega!" Kaidan bellowed and James froze. The subordinate in him responding to the authority in Kaidan's tone.

"You heard her! We have enough!" James still voicing his argument.

"The signal is fading! Maintain connection!" EDI insisted.

"Stand down, Vega!" Kaidan gave the final order, and fire fueled James' eyes as he dropped to a knee behind Ann and wrapped his arms around her torso, determined to keep her sitting in her chair. Kaidan waited as Leviathan continued to make threats.

"We need your help. If you won't help us willingly, we're going to come find you. It's up to you!" Kaidan responded to Leviathan, glaring at Ann. He felt oddly detached. He was so sick of being ignored. He was so over the war and constantly having to ask for help. What was it the galaxy's inhabitants? Here Leviathan was, having hidden for millennia, and they were still unwilling to help? Not anymore. Kaidan was going to force their hand.

Leviathan continued to drone on, just as Sovereign and Harbinger before it, about the cycle and the inevitability of demise. Kaidan nearly flared with rage. He crossed his arms over his chest and waited. He waited for EDI to confirm they had its location before he released Ann from its hold.

Ann's head snapped back and connected with James' face. Blood flowed freely from his nose and he cursed. "This is loco! I'm ending this!"

"Back off, Lieutenant!" Kaidan didn't recognize his own voice. He didn't recognize the icy feeling in his chest. He swallowed back his self loathing as James returned to hold Ann down as Leviathan wrecked her mind. She thrashed in the chair, almost knocking herself and James over. It was clear the hulking marine was struggling to keep his grip on her.

"Trace complete!" As soon as EDI's voice rang out, the orb shattered. The force knocked James forward and Ann from her chair. James reached, his closed fist connecting with the control for the containment field and Kaidan turned and walked away from the demolished woman before him. The image of her glassy eyes and the river of blood flowing from her nose was enough to tell him her fate. He swallowed hard, hands on his hips as Liara assessed her and James called for medical support.

Kaidan took a few deep breaths before walking over to the console. Garrus said nothing, though Kaidan had the sense that he wanted to. "Where are they, EDI?"

"I have the coordinates at the Normandy. We can be ready to leave when you are," she confirmed and Kaidan turned as the medical personnel arrived.

"She's a mess," James said as he came to stand by Kaidan. He could tell the young man was disappointed, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He couldn't let himself worry about the man's opinion of him. They had Reaper killers to find. Once the medical staff took her away, Kaidan ordered James, Garrus, and Liara to return to the Normandy and prep the ship for take off. They were going after Leviathan.

"I sure hope this was worth it, Alenko." It was all Garrus said, and it was all he needed to say. They left him alone in the lab and he looked around, surveying the damage. Broken glass and blood lay on the floor. A hologram had fallen off the desk. The frame splintered and the image of Dr. Bryson and Ann smiling together flickered. Kaidan sighed, scrubbing his hands over his face as he sent a silent thought to the heavens. He hoped it was worth it, too.

He turned on his heel. He knew it was time to leave, and he knew he had to go. This wasn't something he could trust to James. Especially after the Lieutenant had ignored his previous order. He had to see Shepard one last time before he left. He had to hold her hand. He had to kiss her lips. He had to tell her he loved her… just in case.

He reached the hospital in record time. As he approached her room he found Chakwas and Michel leaving with Miranda. Hesitant smiles on their faces, and Kaidan felt his chest clench. "What happened?" He called to them as he closed the final distance between them.

Dr. Chakwas turned to him, tears in her eyes, "She woke." The words knocked the wind from his chest and sent his insides soaring. Kaidan's knees went weak and he nearly fell. He reached and found support on the wall. He looked through the window and found her exactly as he'd left her, and turned to look at the doc who smiled at his confusion. "She's asleep, but she woke from her coma. Her neurological function is intact. Now, she must sleep to rest and heal, but she's going to be okay, Kaidan."

Tears filled his eyes as the doctor stepped closer to him. In a purely human moment, he reached out and pulled her into a hug. She laughed softly, and comforted him as he trembled. "I think she'd like to see you," Chakwas whispered in his ear, and he nodded, pulling away. He wiped furiously at his eyes and moved to the door. Miranda and Michel stepped out of his way as he wiped his hands on his pants.

He entered the room, looking to the monitors. She no longer had the tube down her throat helping her breathe, though there was still oxygen being supplied with the tube under her nose. Her lips and cheeks had regained some color. She didn't look dead, not like she had an hour ago. Not like Ann had when she'd left the lab. He fell into his seat by her bed and leaned forward. He rested his head on her hip and wrapped an arm around her thighs, holding her close. He could feel the blanket growing wet beneath his eyes as he held her. He hated that he wasn't here when she woke up. He hated that he wasn't the first thing she had seen. Though, he knew she would understand, it didn't mean he had to like it.

He hated that he had to leave, but she would understand that, too. He was just glad to know she had woken. She was going to be okay. He would go, find Leviathan, and come back as quickly as he could. He was startled for a moment when he felt fingers against his scalp. He hadn't expected the caress. He reached up and took the hand carding his hair and linked their fingers as he lifted his head. A weak smile pulled at her lips and he pressed tear stained kisses to her knuckles.

They sat there, drinking each other in for as long as Kaidan could allow. He sighed; regret lacing his exhale and Sloan just nodded. She understood. She knew. Without him having to say it, she knew. He had to go. There was a war on and he had to go fight it. There was a war on, and she was going to be okay, so it was time for him to go. He stood, leaned over and kissed her. It was gentle, chaste, just an easy press of his lips on hers and he felt her sigh into it. He ended the kiss letting his forehead rest on hers. Their eyes locked for a brief eternity. He pulled away, reluctant yet determined. He kissed her hand as he stood, and set it back on the bed.

He turned on a heel and went to the door. He stopped and looked at her over his shoulder. She had already fallen back to sleep. _Sleep. Rest. Recover. I'll be back as soon as I can._ He made the promise silently, but knew she knew.

She'd woken up. He had a reason to come back now.


	86. Chapter 86

Twin cones of light stretched out before him but the illumination died before doing its job. In fact, the light seemed to make the darkness more oppressive and all consuming than less. The monitors on the diving mech were difficult to read; Kaidan reached the conclusion they were more than likely malfunctioning. He rubbed the back of his neck as he began to reconsider his decision to use the mech at all. 

Surely sinking to the bottom of an alien ocean seeking an ancient race that may or may not even help with the war was a brilliant plan. What would Shepard say? Kaidan chuckled in spite of himself; of course, Shepard would have used the diving mech. The trip to 2181 Despoina seemed longer than it was. He had to assume this was because he spent it in their cabin, alone. He had considered staying elsewhere, but then he lost the privacy afforded by their space. So, he spent the night on the couch, with his back to their empty bed. 

When they finally reached the planet, EDI alerted them that the reapers were already present. Kaidan couldn’t help but think that it was their luck, that anything and everything was going to happen to stop him from getting back to the Citadel – to Sloan – quickly. He was just so … tired. James, Garrus, and he had loaded into the shuttle and Cortez had taken them planet side. He gave Joker instructions to remain nearby, in stealth mode, to avoid being detected by reaper forces. 

The planet was mostly water, and as they approached the surface, they noticed there were structures floating among the waves. The signal coming from beneath them. “It’s under water?” Kaidan asked, his voice heavy with frustration. 

“Yes, sir, but we should still be able to reach it. The Kodiak is specced for thousands of atmospheres, though I’ve never tested them,” Cortez answered and Kaidan thought for a moment he detected a hint of excitement from the pilot. 

“Bring us in Cortez,” Kaidan ordered with a hand on his shoulder and the pilot nodded and began his descent. 

The shuttle shook suddenly and the hair stood up all over Kaidan’s body. It was almost as if a powerful biotic had discharged near him. Within a second, alarms on the shuttle blared, warning lights flashed as James and Garrus strapped themselves down. Kaidan gripped Cortez’s seat as his eyes moved over the glowing control panel. “We’ve been hit with some kind of pulse! Systems are down!”

“Get us to one of those structures, Cortez!” Kaidan shouted, planting his feet and squaring his shoulders.

“Brace for impact!” Cortez shouted seconds before the shuttle crash landed on the debris littering the ocean. Kaidan’s body jarred at the force. He lost his grip on Cortez’s seat. His feet flew over his head and he slid into the wall of the shuttle with a grunt. He tucked his arms and legs in as close to himself as he could, his armor scraping on the floor. The shuttle’s contents continued to bounce as it lost its battle with gravity. Metal scraped metal, shrieking, as the shuttle finally came to a stop. Kaidan sat up and allowed himself a moment to assess possible injuries. At most he’d have scrapes or bruises. 

He stood. “Everyone okay?” He received quick nods and then went to Cortez. “How’s the shuttle?”

“I’m running diagnostics. I’ll see if I can get power restored,” Cortez answered as his hands flew quickly and efficiently over the controls. Kaidan nodded, knowing the shuttle was in good hands, and moved with James and Garrus to look around their landing space. 

It didn’t take long for them to realize the structures they had landed on were actually downed ships. Ancient, long lost warships that had vanished during their missions. It seemed as if that pulse, the pulse that grounded the shuttle, was Leviathan’s last line of defense. Could it be true? Was Bryson right? Could Leviathan stop the reapers? 

They didn’t have long to consider it as they found themselves overrun by reaper forces. Husks, cannibals, marauders, and brutes focused on their position and stole the trio’s attention. Their sole mission now was to protect Cortez and the shuttle or they’d never get off this planet. As Kaidan fought beside Garrus and James, he found it was easy to lose himself in the fight. He let himself forget everything but the feel of his rifle in his hands, the hum of his amp at the base of his skull, and the heat of his ‘tool at his wrist. 

It was mechanical, the way he fought, years of experience allowing himself to rely on muscle memory and trust in his teammates. As Cortez got the shuttle airborne to offer additional support, he wondered if this was how Shepard felt; if this was why she continued to talk about retiring when they – if they? – if they won the war. 

The shuttle was only in the air for a moment or two before the navigation scrambled and it hit the deck again, a decent distance from their position. Kaidan sighed as they rushed to Cortez and the Kodiak. They needed to keep the shuttle safe if they were going to get off this planet. Kaidan knew he couldn’t risk bringing the Normandy within striking distance of the pulse. The last thing they needed was the Normandy joining this graveyard. 

When the final reaper troop fell, Kaidan turned his attention to Cortez. Cortez explained the pulse was going to continue to take them out until they could disable it, but that would require them finding Leviathan. “Okay, but without the Kodiak, how are we supposed to find Leviathan?” James asked, as he stood and fired a lone shot at a remaining husk. Its head exploded in a spectacular shower of gore and tech before he dropped down with them again. 

“There’s a diving mech,” Garrus pointed out, and Cortez and Kaidan moved to inspect the machine. It was clear the salt water hadn’t had much of an effect on the mech. James remained on the lookout while it took the combined tech knowledge of Garrus, Kaidan, and Cortez to get the mech out and operational. 

Kaidan moved to climb in, and James gripped his arm, pausing him progress into the machine. “You sure about this, Viejo? I don’t want to be the one to have to tell Lola we lost you at the bottom of some alien ocean.”

Kaidan said nothing, the sentiment was kind. Kaidan knew it was James’ way of making sure he was okay, and well enough for the dive. Kaidan also knew he couldn’t ask anyone else to make the trip. He had to do it, just as Shepard would. “That’s okay, Vega, Garrus will tell her,” Kaidan answered as he finished his climb into the mech. He settled in, refusing to acknowledge the churning nerves in his gut as he secured himself and started the systems. 

Garrus scoffed. “You better write your farewell message, cause I sure as hell won’t be the one delivering any kind of emotional goodbye.”

Kaidan chuckled. “Thanks, buddy.” He shook his head as the mech’s door closed over him. He ignored the scent of overheated metal and crude oil as the air cycled itself. The mech groaned as it followed his commands and stepped towards the edge of the downed ship. With one last second of eye contact with Garrus, he knew the Turian was accepting command and would make the decision to leave Kaidan behind if he had to – if Kaidan didn’t come back. 

Only moments after the mech stepped off the structure and sunk beneath the waves did he lose communication with his team. The instruments on the machine’s dash were non-functional. His ears popped as he moved closer and closer to the planet’s core. He wondered just how far he’d fall before he hit bottom. Thankfully, the tracking signal for Leviathan grew stronger and he knew he was getting closer, even as he sunk into the inky depths of the ocean. 

It wasn’t until the increased pressure on the diving mech caused the window before him to crack that Kaidan’s anxiety truly took hold. He swallowed hard and shifted in his seat as his hands grew clammy and cold. He took a deep breath, letting it out on a hum. “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…,” he muttered to himself as he waited for the mech to hit the ocean floor.

Kaidan had no way to know how much time had passed, but eventually the open ocean around him seemed to brighten. It took him a minute to realize that it wasn’t actually brighter, but the light was reflecting off peaks in the ocean floor. He braced himself for the impact as the mech finally settled on solid ground. He was momentarily disappointed that the gauges were broken; he would have liked to know his depth. Calculating the pressure would have given his mind something to do. 

He moved the mech forward, continuing to close the distance between himself and the signal from Leviathan. He shot off an underwater flare every few paces to help illuminate his way. Iridescent jellyfish and other organisms flitted about before him. He wondered how long it had been since this area had seen light. Vegetation of some kind was growing and he attempted to maneuver around it; trying to disturb as little of it as possible. 

The signal was still registering beneath him. As the mech continued forward and he searched for a way down, he shut down non-essential functions. He wasn’t sure how much power the thrusters would need to get him back to the surface and he wasn’t ready to risk it. He chilled instantly when the heat kicked off, his teeth chattered and he wiped at the window, clearing the condensation as best he could. The heat would turn on again if his core temperature got too low, but for now, he would continue without it. 

Each time the mech dropped down lower, the pressure in his head increased. He swallowed hard to help ease the discomfort in his ears. He feared the result of this trip would be a migraine. He hoped that was all it was. He reached what he expected to be the final drop, and landed in a cloud of displaced sediment from the floor. When it cleared, he found the probe - intact. As he passed it he realized he was now walking blind. He had no way to know how much further he’d have to go before he found anything. He had no way to know if he had enough oxygen to sustain him for the rest of the excursion. He had no way to know if he had enough power to get the mech back to the surface. 

Even if he found something, he could die down here, and the help he came searching for would die along with him.

He forced the morbid thoughts from his mind. He knew if he let himself worry about the possibilities he’d panic. He needed to believe he would be out of here and soon. Just as the thoughts were getting too heavy, the ground shook. Dust from the ocean floor rose up around him obscuring his line of sight. He muttered a few curse words as his heart leapt to his throat. He did not want to die down here. 

As the water before him cleared, his chest clenched and his jaw dropped. His heart raced and the mech moved back as if on its own. Rising before him was, what had to be, Leviathan – and it looked like a goddamn reaper. Though, its lines we’re smooth. It wasn’t mechanic. It was organic. 

Kaidan swallowed hard, wiping a hand over his brow and leaning forward to look up at the being that seemed to fill all of the space before him. It uttered a warning. A statement spoken directly into Kaidan’s mind.  


“You have come too far.” Kaidan winced, his eyes closed for a moment as the ancient being forced its way further into his mind. 

“I needed to find you; we needed to find you,” Kaidan answered, and for a moment he wasn’t sure Leviathan heard him. It wasn’t like Kaidan could communicate telepathically. 

“You breached the darkness. You do not belong.” Its voice was a sinister whisper, a gruff breath at his ear. Gooseflesh that had nothing to do with the chilled cockpit of the mech rose on Kaidan’s skin as he communicated with it. 

“The Brysons believe you killed a Reaper. Is that right? Did you? Can you?” Kaidan asked, refusing to retreat. 

“We can. We have,” it confirmed their study and Kaidan felt a rush of excitement mixed with his guilt. He knew Ann and her father would have loved this – the fruits of their labor – and he had to believe their deaths were worth it. Sacrifice the few for the many, right? Leviathan would help them; it had to.

“Why? Aren’t you some kind of reaper?” Kaidan asked, Leviathan’s form not lost on him.

“They are echoes of what was. Of us.” Its answers were starting to creep under Kaidan’s skin. Anger burned in his core at the lack of a direct answer. He took a deep breath. 

“What are you?” Kaidan made his question plain, hoping for an answer to match.

“Something more,” Leviathan’s answer was vague and frustrating and Kaidan’s temper grew shorter by the second. His air was getting thin and his worry that he wouldn’t make it back to the surface was slowly changing into true fear.

He grunted. “We’re at war up there and you’re hiding down here. Why? You can stop the reapers. Why are you hiding?”

“There is no stopping them. There is no war. Only the harvest,” Leviathan answered dismissively as it continued to root around in Kaidan’s memories. He felt it. It was an odd sensation. Like something crawling through his brain. Cold, slick, and leaving a trail behind it. He shuddered. 

“Bullshit. I want answers. Real answers,” Kaidan demanded. Leviathan began to drone on, and for a second Kaidan wondered if it missed having someone to talk to. Leviathan wasn’t some kind of reaper. It wasn’t even a reaper killer. The opposite, in fact. It was the creator of the reapers. Leviathan were an apex race far greater than the Prothean had ever been. When the species they controlled began to create artificial intelligence, they created the first reaper – Harbinger – and eventually, the reapers turned their attention to Leviathan; so began the cycle. “Help us stop it.” Kaidan was insistent. They needed all the help they could get and he couldn’t understand why Leviathan wouldn’t want to help them, to end the cycle of destruction they started. 

“None have possessed the power to end the war. You think your kind is the first to try?” It paused, and Kaidan had the sensation it was considering him, considering them, humanity. “Yet, something is different this time. Your … mate. We have witnessed her actions in this cycle. Sovereign. The Collectors. The Reapers know the name Shepard, and they fear it. I want to know why.” 

Kaidan tasted copper and felt the familiar warm trickle of blood down his face. He wiped the back of his hand over his nose and mouth as he focused on Leviathan. “How? How do you know this?”

“We have been watching, waiting, through the artifacts.”

“Why? Why the harvest?”

“Like a cleansing fire, the harvest is meant to preserve life,” Leviathan answered simply, and Kaidan felt a cold chill trace his spine. He wasn’t a religious man, but he had the distinct impression Leviathan considered themselves godlike. Perhaps they were gods. They were creators and destroyers of life. Isn’t that who humanity had prayed to for centuries? That thought was more than he could handle, and all he wanted right now was a reassurance that they would help. 

“You’re here, even though the reapers attempted to destroy you. You sought to survive and you did. Will you help us?” Kaidan asked simply. The burning in his chest, he was sure, was from lack of oxygen. It was doubtful he would make it to the surface. He needed to secure their help or his trip down would be for naught. 

“The one you call Shepard. She is an anomaly, but it is not enough. She needs … more. She needs support. She needs a connection. She needs … hope. I have searched your mind. You know I have. You felt it,” Leviathan turned its attention away from Kaidan who ached to begin his ascent. “Her victories are more than products of chance. We will fight. As will she. As will you. You will want to take her place. You can’t. She is the anomaly. She is the key. We will watch. We will fight when you are ready.” 

Kaidan felt its presence snap away from him like a broken rubber band. His mind spun and alarms sounded in the mech. His hands flew over the controls as his vision blurred. He struggled to maintain consciousness as the mech started its rapid ascent. The air was thin and the lights blinked out. He saw nothing. Pain shot from his amp, blinding him. Nausea rolled through his body as the migraine hit him full force and with no warning. 

He wasn’t sure how long he rose; he was sure he blacked out. The mech opened on the downed ship. He spotted James and Garrus in cover as two brutes made their way towards them. He fell from the mech.

Gunfire.

Smoke. 

He tried to get to them, but fell to his hands and knees. Salt water and vomit splashed his face as he retched. 

He was on his back staring at the cloudy sky; then, the inside of the shuttle. Black spots filled his vision before he fell into a painless slumber. 

He was warm. He wasn’t sure he could remember the last time he was warm. He was in a soft bed. He would always know the familiar beep of a heart monitor, and recognize the stinging scent of antiseptic. It took him another second to register the weight of a hand in his and the dip in the bed. He struggled to open his eyes. He managed, and he was so glad he did. His gaze landed on the most beautiful sight he’d ever seen. 

Dark brown hair falling over freckled cheeks. Long lashes hiding stunning cerulean eyes. Full red lips, slightly parted as she slept. He’d made it back to Huerta; though, he wasn’t sure how. He cleared his throat, shifting gently and it woke her. Her eyes blinked open and a brilliant smile danced on her lips as her eyes met his. “Hey,” she whispered, her hand reaching out and cupping his cheek. “You’re up.”

“Missed you,” he answered, his throat hoarse and his eyes fell closed as emotion choked him. He turned his face away from her, not wanting her to see him break. She pulled the blanket back and climbed into bed with him. He moved to make as much room for her as he could – not that she needed much as she had no problem resting on him. He accepted her weight easily. She let her head rest on his chest and his arms found their home around her.

He held her tight, pressing her as close to him as he could without causing either of them pain. Tears spilled down his cheeks, hot and angry. She let her hand gently caress his chest as the sobs heaved silently. She didn’t ignore his emotion, she just held him and let him hold her. She let her presence reassure him. She tilted her head and pressed gentle kisses to his neck and jaw. He knew his stubble would scratch her lips. He knew his tears would taint her kiss. He liked that she didn’t care. She pulled herself closer, wrapping herself around him. 

He wasn’t sure how long they lay there, holding each other while he cried. When his sobs quieted and his tears slowed, she pulled back and her gaze found his. She let her hand trace his face, wiping away a stray tear and drying his cheeks. She shifted and pressed her lips to his. He reached one hand up and held her face as she kissed him, slow and languid, like they had no place better to be.

Perhaps, they didn’t. At least, not this second. 

When she ended the kiss, their breathing matched – short, shallow breaths that struggled to keep up with their racing hearts. “You okay?” her voice was rough, and her eyes glassy.

“Yes, no … I don’t know,” he spoke honestly. Physically, he felt fine; but mentally, he was exhausted. “I think I just… I need a few days,” he admitted, his fingers running through her hair, tucking it behind her ear. “I need a few days where I go to sleep with you, and I wake up with you.” A sad smile was her answer as her fingers found their own path over his face and into his hair. “I need a few days not fighting this goddamn war.”

“Okay,” she answered simply, kissing him again, quicker this time but no less honest. “Okay, we’ll take a few days,” she nodded quickly, keeping her eyes on his as she pressed her forehead to his. He offered her a grateful smile. She kissed him one last time before shifting down and letting herself rest again, her head on his chest. He could feel her heartbeat through her back. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and sighed. A content smile played on his lips as he slipped back to sleep.


	87. Chapter 87

“Ready to get out of here?” Dr. Chakwas greeted as she breezed into Kaidan’s room the following afternoon. Shepard had left before the nurses brought breakfast around. She was supposed to be in her own room and thought it would be better they weren’t found sharing a bed in the hospital. Kaidan had teased about Spectre authority, but she insisted this didn’t count. He’d watched her go, brimming with happiness that she was okay. When she’d stopped at the door and turned to make eye contact again, he’d laughed softly. He’d almost lost her. Again. Yet, again, there she stood. 

“You have no idea,” he answered as she reached his bedside and ran the necessary scans. She frowned, and Kaidan’s chest tightened. “What?” 

“You’re taking the next few days off, yes?” she asked simply, closing her tool and reaching out to feel his amp. He nodded. “Good. I want you to take it easy during leave, and I want to see you before you return to the Normandy.” He agreed, and she cupped his cheek making eye contact. She smiled, and Kaidan thought he saw a glimpse of sadness in her eyes. He reached up and held her wrist for a moment. She patted his face before pulling her hand away. “Dr. O’Connor and I will be back to see you for one final check in about an hour. If he clears you, we’ll be all set to let you go.” Kaidan nodded, and thanked her. 

When Chakwas turned to leave, he spotted Shepard at the door to his room and couldn’t stop the smile from spreading over his face. Her casual stance and civilian dress hinted to him that she’d already been discharged and he was anxious to leave with her. Shepard thanked Chakwas as they crossed paths, briefly taking the doctor’s hand before reaching his bedside. She leaned down and kissed him gently. She tasted like spearmint and smelled like home. “How are you feeling today?” she asked as her hand slid into his and she pulled the stool to the bedside. 

“Like a million credits,” he answered with a chuckle. “Ready to get out of here.” His admission was met with a soft, hopeful smile. “How are you?”

“I’ve already been released. We’re just waiting on you, Major,” she answered grinning. Her eyes were bright with anticipation. It seemed as if she was as excited for their break as he was. “The Normandy’s in dry dock.” She made the declaration as if she could read his mind. “I’ve already called the grocer to stock the kitchen at Anderson’s.” He lifted her hand and kissed her knuckles. “I should warn you that a lot of the crew have mentioned wanting to get together during the break, to spend some down time together.”

“Well, that’s expected. As long as I get you to myself in the evenings,” he added through his grin and Sloan laughed, that bright rich laugh that rang out from her chest. She leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his lips. He held the back of her head and her lips parted for him. His hand tangled in her hair and a soft moan slipped from the back of her throat. 

If either one of them heard the door to his room open, neither acknowledged it. It wasn’t until a throat cleared behind Shepard that they finally separated. Shepard dropped her head, licking her lips, and Kaidan pressed a kiss to her forehead. Kaidan’s eyes landed on Vega as Shepard stayed where she was, her breath dancing over his neck. “Lieutenant, what can I do for you?” 

“Lola asked me to stop by; she wanted to go over the rest of the mission before our leave officially started,” Vega explained, and Shepard let out a long, slow breath before pulling back and releasing Kaidan’s hand. 

“Kaidan, you’re the only one who knows what happened down there,” she reminded him, and Kaidan nodded, swallowing hard. He took a deep breath and went over everything Leviathan had said, that they had created the reapers and started the cycle, that they had watched as the reapers returned at the end of every cycle to wipe everything clean. He told them Leviathan said this cycle was different, and that they would watch and fight with them when they were ready. Kaidan noticed the spark in Shepard’s eye when he confirmed Leviathan would fight.

He left out that she made the cycle different. The last thing she needed was added pressure. 

“What happened once I got back to the surface?” Kaidan asked, and Vega stepped forward. 

“Scars and I were taking heavy fire from Reaper troops. We were being held down by a couple of brutes and Esteban couldn’t get the shuttle going enough to get us off the ship. Once your mech came back up and spit you out… damn Viejo you looked like death and scared the shit out of all of us.” Vega paused and Shepard’s hand took Kaidan’s again before the Lieutenant continued. “The brutes, we can’t explain it but, they turned on each other. There was a pulse that made the ship shudder and gave Scars and me enough time to get you to the shuttle. Esteban took off, and we got you to Chakwas on the Normandy as quick as we could.”

“Good work, Lieutenant,” Shepard commented and Kaidan nodded. James stood a bit taller, his lips pulled into a barely-there smile. “So, it was worth it then. We have their help, and if they created the Reapers, they should be able to get rid of them, too.” 

“They … it? … seemed fairly smug when I spoke to it. It was quite… unnerving. It was like it spoke directly into my mind,” Kaidan explained. He could still remember the cold sensation of the outside presence prickling in his consciousness. He wondered if that’s what an Asari meld felt like, or maybe the Prothean beacons. The look on Shepard’s face was one of understanding and Kaidan let out a quick breath as the realization of her continued discomfort dawned on him. How many times had she been subjected to that torture?

Shepard drew Kaidan’s attention back to the present when she dismissed Vega. He nodded as the door sighed open behind him. Chakwas breezed in with Dr. O’Connor on her heels. “Alright, Lola, dinner at your place?” he asked as he started walking backwards to the door. 

“Not tonight, Vega, but soon,” she promised and Vega grinned, winking at the pair as he left. Kaidan met Shepard’s eyes and they shared a gentle laugh. Shepard stepped back, allowing room for the doctors to crowd around Kaidan’s bed. Kaidan stifled a sigh as he was poked and prodded by some of the best doctors, with the coldest hands, that credits could buy. Shepard crossed her arms over her chest as she waited. Her foot tapping and chewing on her lip. 

“I see no residual effects from the decompression sickness,” Chakwas started and Kaidan moved his gaze to Dr. O’Connor. 

The biotic specialist continued, “There is no swelling, no bruising, everything looks good.” Dr. O’Connor confirmed, and Chakwas nodded. Kaidan found Shepard’s smiling face and the relief made him lightheaded. Chakwas and O’Connor left the room after warning him to take advantage of leave and rest. He was distracted, however, by Shepard. She looked positively radiant. Her excitement and happiness shown bright in the way she looked at him. 

“Let’s get the hell out of here,” Kaidan said through his grin, as he tossed the blankets off his lap and moved to find his clothes. Shepard laughed and helped him gather his things as he dressed quickly. Before they left the room, he paused and just watched her. She pulled his bag over her shoulder and stopped when she noticed him. 

“What?” She blushed as she questioned him.

“You’re beautiful,” he stated simply and she rolled her eyes as she closed the distance between them.

“Flattery will get you … everywhere, Alenko,” she teased as she stood on her toes and kissed his lips soundly. 

"Everywhere, huh?" Kaidan asked through a grin, his hands sliding over her hips. She nodded, tilting her head and placing kisses over his pulse point. "Even into your pants?"

She snorted against his neck. “Absolutely,” she paused pulling back to look him in the eyes, “Absolutely into my pants." He caught her hand in his and they turned to leave. She weaved her fingers with his as he led her out to the nurse’s station. “I wonder what Javik’s doing here,” Shepard commented as Kaidan signed out. His tunnel-vision almost caused him to miss the Prothean, but he looked up and spotted him talking with Miranda. 

He was caught a bit off guard by the pair. He hadn’t even realized Javik and Miranda had met. He watched the for a moment as he considered what business the alien would have with the operative. When Javik turned his yellow eyes on Kaidan, he couldn’t help but feel as if he’d been caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to. He shrugged it off, and glanced down when Shepard waved. “Let’s go,” Kaidan said, tugging her hand and leading her towards the transit station. 

There was something about the way Javik had looked at her; it made Kaidan uneasy and he couldn’t place why. He forced it from his mind as the transit car pulled up and he took his bag from Shepard, and continued to hold her hand as she climbed in. Her smile that greeted him as he settled next to her warmed him, and forced all thoughts of Javik from his mind. She entered the address and he wrapped his arm around her. She snuggled into his side, draping her arm over his chest. “So, I was thinking we’d order in and watch a vid or something tonight. Just the two of us, nice and quiet.” He looked down and found her head tilted and her face near his. He kissed her quickly.

“Sounds perfect.” She grinned, and he watched for a second as the artificial lights danced over her face. He felt like the war was a million miles away, and he knew it – she – was exactly what he needed. She turned her attention to her ‘tool, the orange light casting a warm glow over her features. When he questioned her, she explained if she ordered the food now, it would meet them at the apartment. 

“Smart woman; no wonder I keep you around,” he teased, and she snorted. 

It didn’t take long for them to arrive at Andersons, and they were quick about getting into the apartment. Shepard even pulled her hood up over her head. The Strip housing Anderson’s apartment building was always busy, and the last thing they wanted right now was to be recognized. If the press found out she was here, they’d never leave them alone. Their food was being delivered as the reached the door. Kaidan paid and they headed into the building. The spicy scent of the Chinese food floated around them. 

Once they were in the apartment proper, she dropped his bag and pulled off the hoodie as he set the food in the living room in near the fireplace. “I had your stuff from the ship brought here, too. I hope you don’t mind,” he followed her into her room. He leaned against the doorway and watched as she stripped down to her bra and briefs. His eyes roamed over her skin as she moved around the room. He looked for remaining injuries, bruises or scrapes, and found none. She opened a bag, hers, and pulled out a t-shirt, his. She pulled it over her head and grinned at him as it settled on her. He chuckled stepping closer to her. His hands went to her hips and she let hers rest on his chest. 

He leaned down and kissed her. He spoke with his lips brushing hers. “But did you bring any of it for me?” 

“I did, but I’m thinking we won’t need it very long,” she kissed him then. Her hands fisted in his shirt and she stood on her toes. She tasted sweet – spearmint – and he didn’t want to let her go. His grip on her waist tightened, his fingers digging possessively into her skin. She hummed against his lips before ending the kiss. “We have all night,” her reminder was gentle, and punctuated by the rumble of her stomach. “I’m starving,” she insisted, pulling away from him and sauntering from the room. He watched her go, grinning, before he dug through his bag for something more comfortable to wear for their evening in. 

He found her sitting cross legged on the couch, waiting for him. She had the dinner boxes open, she’d grabbed plates and beer and was waiting for him to dig in. He fell onto the couch next to her, and they filled their plates. She shifted to lean against the arm rest at the opposite end of the couch. Her feet rested in his lap. 

He loved this, and it had been too long since they’d had an opportunity to shed the Commander and Major titles and just be Kaidan and Sloan. He’d missed it. He missed how easy it was for them, how snugly they fit into each other’s everyday. He watched as she ate with single minded focus, and he felt it in his chest when she looked up at him. Her lips greasey from dinner, and her eyes bright. She smiled, using a napkin to wipe at her face. There was a very real heat in his chest; a comfortable burning, like embers in a fire, constant and bright regardless of how high the flame was in the moment. It would always burn. “What?” she asked.

“I love you,” he answered simply as the heat rose in his chest. 

Her face softened, and she smiled. “I love you, too.” He would never tire of hearing her say those words. He gave her a smile and they returned to their meal. She finished first and moved closer to him. Her hand found its way into his hair. She slowly ran her fingers through his curls. He needed to get it cut, he knew that, it was barely regulation at this point. “You have grey hair,” she stated as if he didn’t know, and he chuckled as he finished his food. 

He leaned forward to place his empty dish on the table and her hand fell from his head. “Yes, and I’ve named them after their cause – Shepard.” She snorted and punched his arm lightly, but before she could pull away from him but he caught her wrist and tugged, pulling her into his lap. Her legs stretched out on the couch before her as his arms wrapped around her. She looked to his hair again, teasing the silver streaks at his temples. 

“They look good on you,” she complimented softly and her eyes grew sad, glistening with her fear. “I’m glad I got the chance to see—”

He silenced her with a kiss. She gasped softly, trembling as she wrapped her arms around him. She allowed him to deepen the kiss and he groaned into her mouth. He couldn’t let her finish the thought out loud. It sounded too defeated, and that’s not what this leave was for. This leave was for them, for positivity, for hope. He shifted, sliding his arm beneath her knees he stood, bringing her with him. She pulled her lips from his and buried her face in his neck. He hated the tears that slicked his skin as he carried her. He reached the bedroom and Threw the bags off the bed. She gasped at the unexpected rush of biotics. 

He settled her on the bed, and she held her arms out for him. He accepted her embrace, her legs tangling with his as he held his weight on his elbows. His arms around her. Her fingers traced the features of his face as her eyes followed. It was still hard for him to believe sometimes, that she cared for him the way he did for her, but then she would look at him like this and there was no question. Her fingers traced his lips, and he dropped his head kissing her again. 

She shifted beneath him, rolling her hips slowly and he groaned as his kiss moved to her jaw and neck. She tugged at his shirt and he pushed away from her for a moment. Sitting up, he reached over his head and pulled the shirt over and off before returning to her. Her hands gripped his back as his kiss traveled along her neck. His hand slid up her thigh and beneath the shirt. Her warm silk soft skin trembled beneath his calloused touch. A shuddering moan was his reward. He pushed the shirt up and she did what she could to help him remove it. 

Pressed skin to skin and mouth to mouth, there was nothing else that mattered in the moment. Nothing but the points of contact and the sensation of touch. Nothing but the beating of their hearts and the brush of breath against overheated skin. They took their time. They sought out every spot they knew would bring a reaction. Every trick experience taught them was played. Every gentle caress or stroke brought the expected response. 

They took turns teasing and pleasing. She brought him up to his highest point only to let him settle without cresting. It was the sweetest torture and he would endure for as long as he could. He’d brought her over once already, and when her legs wrapped around his waist and he filled her with one sure thrust the string of needy curses told him she was ready again. 

There was nothing sweeter than coming home. It didn’t even matter where they were - Anderson’s apartment, their cabin on the Normandy, the drive core, a hotel room in Vancouver – this moment, so intimately connected with her, was home. He knew if he lost this, he’d be lost until he took his last breath. As he moved inside her, and she clung to him and begged for more, he pleaded with destiny, with the galaxy, with any diety that would listen, to allow them to survive. To allow them to win and be together in a world free from this threat. 

She called out his name when she peaked again, a broken prayer on her lips. The feel of her tightening around him sent him over and he cursed as he followed her into that sweet oblivion. The room lit bright blue and he kissed her long and slow as their breathing settled. He slipped from her and shifted lower, settling his head over her heartbeat he listened, counting the beats of her heart, trying to forget what a flatline alarm sounded like. 

His hands roamed over her sweat slicked, glistening skin, and that was the moment he noticed it: her newest scar. A long, thin, oddly smooth slice of bright pink just under her heart. Leng’s blade. The wound that should have killed her. The wound that did kill her, that took her from him again. Tears spilled from his eyes before he had a chance to try to stop it. His body shook with the weight of it. The fear, the grief, the disbelief. How many times could she come back to him? He didn’t want to find out. She was whispering to him, shushing him with wordless sounds. Her hands stroking through his damp hair. “I’m here… I’m right here… I’ve got you… I’m not going anywhere.” She spoke the words but he knew, he knew, it wasn’t something she could promise. 

But he wanted her to be able to promise him; he wanted her to believe. If she did, maybe he could. Hiding from the reality wasn’t going to change it. He lifted his head and kissed her. It was a needy kiss, long and demanding, and when he took her again it was with a desperation matched by her own. Her nails dug into his back, breaking the skin. The sharp pain bringing their reality into focus. He gripped her hips hard enough to bruise, but her skin weave kept any damage from showing. Gasping through their climax, he dropped his forehead to her collar. Her hands slowly stroking along his back, comforting him without words. 

He slipped from her and rolled to his side. She followed, tucking her head in against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her as their legs twisted together, a coccoon against the night. He held her. He knew, he knew, he couldn’t protect her out there. He couldn’t do what she could do. He was good, but he wasn’t Shepard. He couldn’t take her place, he couldn’t take a killing blow for her. But here, here, here he could hold her. He could wrap her in his arms and know that at least in this moment she was safe, and she would be here when he woke up. He knew that, he knew that, even without her promising him.


	88. Chapter 88

The artificial sun was too bright, not because he had a headache, but because he just wanted to stay in bed a little longer. Beneath the blankets, he was the perfect temperature and his limbs tangled with Shepard’s. There was no place else he wanted to be, no place else he needed to be. He pried his eyes open and took a deep breath, inhaling the familiar scent of her and shared space. The room had a soft glow to it, and when he looked down she actually looked peaceful, rested. There were no nightmares plaguing her sleep. He pulled her a bit closer to him, and she sighed in her slumber. 

He closed his eyes against the obnoxious morning light and simply let himself lie there, with her in his arms, and memorize the way it felt. He wanted to be able to focus on this memory when they were back on the Normandy, to remember how whole he felt, to remember what he fought for. It wasn’t until his body’s basic needs demanded attention that he begrudgingly released her. He moved slowly, cautiously, trying not to wake her. If she was sleeping soundly, she deserved to, and he wouldn’t be the reason she woke before she was ready. He pulled on sweatpants before padding to the bathroom, closing the door gently behind him. 

He finished in the bathroom. Tying his pants loose on his hips and scrubbing a hand over his face as he moved through the apartment to the kitchen. It took him longer than he cared to admit to start the coffee maker. He was glad Sloan was still sleeping and had missed his fumbling with the machine. He took his coffee and moved to the living area, starting the fire and falling carefully onto the sofa. He propped his bare feet up on the table and enjoyed a mouthful of the strong brew as he opened his omni’tool and checked the news and his mail. 

He would have liked to have seen a message from his mother; it had been a while since he had heard from her, but he understood the signal to Earth was weak at best, especially out at the farm. He did have a message from his students near Chicago. He couldn’t find words for the pride that bloomed in his chest. He quickly forwarded the message to Jack with a quick note letting her know her students, their students, were okay - at least for the time being. A final message remained, from Vega, there was a biotiball game this evening and he was informing Kaidan and Shepard that he would be over with some of the guys to watch the game on Shepard’s full wall vid screen. Kaidan replied that it would probably be in James’ best interest to call first, just to make sure Sloan and he could pull themselves out of bed and put some clothes on before company showed up. He chuckled as he hit send imagining Vega’s indignant reaction. 

His stomach reminded him he’d yet to eat as he closed his ’tool and went to the kitchen. He wondered how much longer Sloan would sleep, it was almost too quiet here when she slept but he would let her rest as long as she needed it. As he scrambled the eggs he received an incoming message from Chakwas. He turned, leaned on the counter, and opened the missive. It was a reminder. Shepard was still healing, and if Chakwas had her way would still be hospitalized. Her exact words: I think you’re the only person who can make sure she rests.

He closed the ‘tool; his eyes darted to the door to her bedroom and he sighed. He would have to do what he could to make sure she followed Chakwas’ orders and finished healing. He was grateful Vega had made plans for them to stay in that night. He had to admit, it would be good for them both. Besides, inviting the guys would help alleviate her need to spend downtime with the crew during their leave. He turned back to the stove and allowed his attention to be captured by breakfast. 

His focus was solely on his meal; so much so, Shepard managed to startle him as her arms wrapped around his waist. She breathed a laugh against his back as she stepped up against him, her forehead pressed between his shoulder blades. His free hand moved to cover her arms on his waist and they let the silence linger. He loved the way she felt against him, so strong but still soft.

He switched off the stove and turned in her embrace. She loosened her grip as he rotated. His hands came to rest on her hips as she tucked herself in against his chest. He dropped a kiss to the top of her head. “Good afternoon,” he murmured and he felt her smile against his skin. “Did you sleep well?” She nodded, looking up at him and standing on her toes to kiss him. Her tongue teased his lips and he allowed her to deepen the kiss. She tasted of spearmint and it mixed pleasantly with the coffee still on his palate. Her kiss was slow, and thorough, and set his heart racing as his hands slid over the curve of her rear, pulling her closer. 

He ended the kiss, his tongue darting out to taste her still on his lips, as her eyes fluttered open. A slow smile pulled at the corners of her mouth as she lowered herself from her toes. “Smells good,” she murmured leaning over to look at the food on the stove. “Is there enough for me, too?” She shot him an innocent look, all soft smiles and batting eyelashes. 

He laughed, throwing his head back with a loud guffaw. She chewed her lip, grinning and disentangled herself from him. She moved to the cupboard and retrieved a coffee mug for herself. His eyes lingered on the hem of his shirt where it lay just below her rear. He plated their breakfast and they sat together at the counter to eat. “Did you sleep well?” He asked around a mouthful of food. 

“I did,” she said, her eyes bright with relaxation. It was a look he hadn’t seen on her in a very long time. “It was nice to sleep in a real bed and not a hospital bed, and, well, I’ve always slept well here.” He nodded, and a content silence filled the room, broken only by the sound of their cutlery gently scraping the plates as they ate. 

“So, I got a message from Dr. Chakwas this morning,” Kaidan started. His voice seemed loud in the space, and Sloan paused for a heartbeat but said nothing. With a quick breath, she resumed her meal. She finished eating first and when Kaidan lifted his eyes to her, she had her mug in both hands and resting at her lips. 

“You’re quite handsome; have I told you that lately?” she asked him hiding her face as she drank her coffee. 

He raised an eyebrow and shifted on his seat, feeling the flush reach his ears at her attempted subject change. “Dr. Chakwas says you need to take it easy,” he answered her flirtation and she sighed, setting her mug down. She dropped her eyes, and Kaidan reached out and took her hand. “We both need to finish healing,” he answered softly, and she nodded, lacing her fingers with his. 

“Fine. We can take it easy, but,” she paused and waited for him to meet her eyes, “she never said we couldn’t have sex.” Her gaze was defiant, and he grinned. 

“No, she didn’t,” he agreed and she nodded, tugging his hand and leaning over the table. He kissed her gently; she nipped at his lip as he pulled away grinning. “However, Vega did message that he and some of the rest of the crew would be over to watch the biotiball game later.” She pulled a face that was half disappointed and half amused. 

“So, I suppose I’ll have to put pants on,” she muttered as she released his hand and stood. She cleared the table as he chuckled and drained the last of the coffee from his mug. “Shower?” She held her hand out to him. He slid his hand in hers and followed her to the bathroom.

“Sure, shower now, but before this week is over we’re using that tub,” Kaidan insisted as they passed the room with the hot tub. It was a luxury tub with more jets than Kaidan could guess at from a cursory glance. Sloan let a giggle slip from her lips as they reached the bathroom and she pulled him to her. He went willingly and wrapped her in his arms as she walked them backwards into the shower. 

A short while later, Kaidan was on the couch in front of the fire with an array of snack food laid out and waiting for their company. He could hear Shepard humming to herself from the bedroom as she dressed. He had just settled in to review some reports from the Crucible when the door chimed. He stood and made his way to let their guests in. His bare feet making little noise on the hardwood floor. “Hola, Viejo, nice pjs,” Vega said eyeing Kaidan’s choice flannel pants and Seattle Sorcerers t-shirt. 

“Doctor’s orders,” Kaidan answered as he stepped out of the way to allow the group to enter. He nodded at Cortez and Joker as they filed in behind James.

“Right, because I’m sure Dr. Chakwas ordered you to support the losing team?” Joker asked as Kaidan took the case of beer from him. “You have to know the Maestros are going to wipe the floor with the Sorcerers.” 

“Joker, I’m from Vancouver; the Sorcerers are my home team,” Kaidan reminded him and Joker’s response was an exaggerated eyeroll. “Sloan, the guys are here,” Kaidan called towards the bedroom as the group moved their banter into the living room. Their presence filled the room, as well as the empty seats around the vid screen. Kaidan had the feeling this room had seen a lot of this kind of activity over the course of the years. He hoped they’d have more opportunities for this in the future. Vega fell onto the couch opposite Kaidan and stretched out. His arm along the back and one foot up on the coffee table. He clearly had no problem making himself comfortable. 

Sloan entered the room without a sound. Kaidan met her eyes and they shared a smile. “Christ, Vega, could you take up any more space?” Shepard asked, startling them for a moment as she stepped over his leg. Kaidan reached a hand up, which she accepted, to help her balance as she maneuvered to her spot. 

“Sorry, Shepard,” James muttered, shifting over a bit as they settled back down. “Aw, come on; you, too?” Shepard’s confusion played on her face and Kaidan glanced down at what she was wearing. She had pulled on one of his extra Sorcerers shirts. Kaidan grinned and pulled her more snugly into his side. “You’re a Sorcerers fan?” James clarified. 

“Oh, well, I guess? We never watched much biotiball on Mindoir, and I never cared for it once I left,” she answered reaching forward to choose her own beer.

“The Maestros have been playing biotiball since before First Contact!” Joker argued pulling Kaidan’s attention to him as he took a long pull from his bottle. “They’re absolutely going to win today.” He leaned forward and took a healthy scoop of the dip before dropping the chip in his mouth and crunching loudly.

“Ever since the Sorcerers acquired Donna Novotny from the Hackers, they’ve been unstoppable,” Cortez added, and Kaidan felt Shepard sigh against his side. He glanced down at her and saw an easy smile playing at her lips and a warmth spread through him. She was enjoying every second of this. 

“You just like the Sorcerers because you got the hots for the players,” Vega teased as he reached forward and took a handful of the chips from the bowl. Stray crumbs and pieces broken by his paw fell, unnoticed, and landed on his chest and lap. 

“And your love of the asari team has more to do with how they look and not how they play,” Joker accused, his grin tinting his voice with humor.

“No! Well, not entirely,” Vega countered with a chuckle and a shrug. 

“So, Commander, still betting on the Sorcerers?” Cortez asked and Shepard sighed, sitting up straighter on the sofa for a moment. 

She seemed to consider each person in the room for a long moment. Her eyes lingered on Kaidan’s before she shrugged, and tugged on the t-shirt she was wearing. “I never bet against the home team.” Kaidan couldn’t stop the grin, and he leaned over and kissed her quickly. It was nothing. Minor. Barely noticeable, maybe even borderline foolish, but she’d just called his team her home team. 

“I hope you’re ready to eat your words, Vega! You know better than to bet against Shepard!” Cortez laughed, reaching over and fist bumping Kaidan. 

“Okay, seriously, guys. You’re in my house and I’m in my pajamas—”

“Technically, they’re my paja—”

“Can it, Alenko.” He laughed and watched as the group stared at her for a few heartbeats. Even he was curious what her point was. “We’re so far off duty it’s ridiculous. Please, call me Sloan,” she insisted, dropping her hand to Kaidan’s thigh. 

“Uh, right Shepard,” Joker acknowledged, disbelief heavy in his voice as he chuckled. 

“Okay, Commander,” Cortez offered, through a smile, “whatever you say.” 

Sloan rolled her eyes and leaned back into Kaidan’s side as the group’s attention turned to the screen as the game started. Her hair was braided and still damp from their shower; it felt cool against his side. For a moment, it was like he was outside himself. Like he was being given an opportunity to see the scene they created. They looked happy, all of them did. He realized they really needed this break more than he had thought they did. They’d all been worn down, exhausted from the constant fighting. It was just what the doctor had ordered. He came back to himself when Sloan looked up at him, her eyes warm and her smile sincere. Their moment was broken when Vega let out a sting of curses in Spanish. 

It was an exciting game, punctuated by curses and cheers from either side’s supporters. They laughed a lot, good natured teasing filled the evening as the score bounced from one team leading to the other. They still refrained from calling her Sloan, but the evening couldn’t have felt more like family even if they’d made a conscious effort. 

In the end, the Seattle Sorcerers won, and Kaidan and Cortez cheered, with Shepard joining in as an afterthought. Credits exchanged accounts as bets were settled, and Vega and Joker insisted that the refs had sided with the human team and cheated on their behalf. Kaidan rolled his eyes. “Thanks for helping me pick the winning team,” Shepard tilted her head towards him and he kissed her quickly. 

“Stick with me, and we’ll win every time,” he teased, pulling her closer. 

She rolled her eyes, “What would I do without you?” 

Before Kaidan could respond, Cortez answered sincerely, “She survived Akuze without you.” 

“She destroyed the human reaper and the Collector homeworld without you,” Joker slurred, draining his last bottle of beer and falling into a rather uncomfortable looking slouch in his chair. 

“She cured the Genophage while you were tucked in bed at Huerta,” Vega chuckled, and Kaidan felt each statement like a punch in the gut. 

“I saved your ass from the Collectors on Horizon, too,” she added, wrapping her arms around his waist, her hug and her smile taking the sting out of her words and the entire ribbing session.

“My hero,” he answered, leaning down and kissing her gently. The room broke out in loud groans and throw pillows bounced off them as the trio make gagging noises and joked about them getting a room. Kaidan felt her smile against his lips and he pulled back chuckling. Joker yawned, loudly, and Cortez stood checking the time on his ‘tool.

“It got late fast,” Cortez announced, yawning. 

“Yeah, and tomorrow comes early,” Vega teased as he stood. Joker followed, a bit unsteady on his feet. Cortez reached out and caught his arm as he nearly tripped over his own foot. “Woah, Joker, you okay, man?”   
“Mmfine,” he muttered, “Just thinking maybe I should have brought my personal assistance mech.”

“You mean, EDI?” Sloan answered as she disentangled herself from Kaidan and stood. 

“Yeah, she’s mine,” Joker flushed, dropping his head so his face was hidden behind the brim of his hat as Kaidan and Sloan met eyes, grinning. 

“I’m not so sure what she’d say to that,” Sloan said as she stood and wrapped an arm around her friend’s waist. Cortez followed with Vega and Kaidan.

“She likes being mine,” Joker was mumbling and Sloan laughed softly. 

“I’m sure she does,” Sloan agreed as they reached the door. She leaned over and kissed Joker’s cheek. She looked to Vega, “You’ll make sure he gets home safely? Or should we put him to bed here?” She glanced at Kaidan who shrugged.

“We’ll get him home. I’m thinking you’d like some alone time tonight; right, Viejo?” Vega’s eyes were gleaming and Kaidan chuckled. “You’ve got to make sure to uh … take care of the Commander.”

“Not hungry or horny, Vega, don’t you worry about it,” Kaidan answered, surprised he remembered and brought up their poker game. Sloan’s hand slid in his as they watched the trio leave. “Tell Liara we say hello,” he called to his retreating form, allowing the door to whoosh closed as Vega turned to reply. Kaidan laughed looking down to Sloan. 

“Want to tell me what that was about?” she asked, standing on her toes and pressing her lips to the corner of his mouth. He shook his head, turning just enough to capture her lips with his. His hands slid over her hips as her fingers carded his hair. She pulled away, breathing heavy. “Bed?” she asked, her eyelids heavy and Kaidan nodded. 

“I’ll follow you,” he promised and she nodded. He watched her saunter into the bedroom and he cursed himself as he went and straightened up the living room. It only took a second to pick up the empty bottles and sweep up the crumbs Vega had left in his wake, but by the time he made it into their room, he found her fast asleep. 

She’d stripped, his clothes were left from the door to the bed. His eyes danced over her form in bed. She was wrapped around a pillow, the blankets bunched at her feet. Kaidan leaned against the doorway and admired the way the lights from the Citadel played on her bare skin. He could look at her like this forever. She must have fallen asleep as soon as she hit the bed. Smiling, he toed off his socks and stripped to his boxers as he made his way to her. He slid into bed with her, replacing his pillow with his chest beneath her head. She shivered, her skin was cool to his touch. He reached out and Pulled the blankets up around them. The rush of his power warming him so she pulled him closer in her sleep. With her there, snuggled up against him, resting and healing, he needed nothing else. 

Sleep came for him seconds later.


	89. Chapter 89

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for spamming any followers with notifications, but now it's all up to date. Everything I have written is posted. I expect there will be about 100 chapters when I finish. I hope you all enjoy the ride and I would love to know what you think! - TLC

The press of bodies on the Citadel sent his heart racing. The cacophony of voices rang in his ears. His palms were slick and he fisted his hands as he searched for her. The Sunset Strip was usually crowded, especially near the casino, but this was out of control. He wanted nothing more than to find Sloan and get her back to Anderson’s apartment. His stomach churned uncomfortably as he tried to push through the faceless strangers on the station. 

He caught the scent of plum blossoms on the air and turned towards the source just in time to see the flash of her smile before she disappeared into the crowd. Anger bubbled in his chest. Why had she insisted they come here, anyway? They’d been happily tucked away in their own little corner of the Citadel until she insisted they go for a walk. Now, he couldn’t find her. 

He caught a glimpse of her and turned to follow. In his need to be closer to her, to have a hold on her, he was more forceful than necessary as he pushed the bystanders away. Finally, he was behind her, his hand wrapped around her arm and she turned towards him, grinning. 

The world fell away when she locked her eyes on his. He couldn’t stop the smile from spreading over his face as her fingertips danced up his shoulders. His hands found their home at the base of her spine, pulling her into him. It was just the two of them, together in the silence. He pressed his forehead to hers and closed his eyes, inhaling deeply. Plum blossoms. She pressed her lips to his and he immediately deepened the kiss, pulling her impossibly closer to him. Her body wound around his as she invaded all of him. Her legs around his waist and her hands in his hair. He could feel the heat of her core radiating against him. 

He tipped her back. They landed in their bed, back in the apartment. Pressed skin to skin she was slick and ready for him. He slipped inside, his hips finding a familiar rhythm. He couldn’t stop moving. His mouth pressed to her neck and collarbone, lapping and sucking gently. She was chanting his name with broken breaths.

A sour, pungent scent filled his nose and he pulled away from her. His stomach churned as he started at cold, electronic blue eyes. Dark wiring shone through pale, sloughing skin. Her face split at the corners of her mouth – an eerie broken smile that would never stop. He pushed away from her, his naked rear hitting the floor with a smack.

His eyes opened and before he could register the fact that he was still in bed, that Sloan was sleeping soundly next to him, that it had been a nightmare, there was just pain. A long, low, agonized groan erupted from him as he rolled away from her, curling in on himself. His hands clawing at his head as his body trembled. Nausea rolled through him. He was grateful there was no light in the room, as the ceaseless pounding in his head rendered him useless. 

He groaned again, a sound akin to a dying beast, and sweat broke out on his skin. He felt a warm hand on his shoulder. Her touch seared into his flesh and he was sure there would be a burn mark. “Kaidan?” she spoke his name in a whisper. He hissed at her. She snatched her hand back and he whimpered as the loss of her weight in bed shifted him. Movement made everything worse. Nerve endings fired and his entire body felt like it was alive with pain and electricity. He prayed it would stop. He prayed everything would stop. Death would be better than another second with this pain. 

A light turned on; it was just the orange glow of her omni’tool but to Kaidan it was as if she had invited the sun into the apartment. He let out a string of curses as he covered his eyes with one hand. The tips of his fingers pressing into his eyes, as if that would somehow ease some of the tension. She dropped a bag, his carry on – he knew, where he stored his meds. The clash of the bag on the floorboards might as well have been a parade marching through their bedroom with a full band – drums, horns, and all. He growled.

“Kaidan,” her voice was soft, almost nervous, and his face twisted in pain at her words. “I have some of Chakwas’ medicine here,” she offered gently. “I just need to know for sure it’s a migrai— “

“Of course, it’s a goddamn migraine, Sloan,” he barked at her without opening his eyes. When she didn’t immediately offer him the reprieve of Chakwas’ cocktail. “What the fuck are you waiting for?”  


She said nothing, but he felt the pinch of the needle in his arm and the warm rush of narcotics. He knew sleep was imminent, a break from the pain, and hopefully when he woke it would be better. Images from his nightmare flashed behind his closed eyes and he whimpered. He hadn’t felt the bed dip. As sleep claimed him, he wished she would climb back into bed with him so he could pull her close and rest his head on her chest.

He missed her heartbeat. 

Thankfully, his drug induced sleep was dreamless.

He blinked his eyes open finding the room still dark, the shades drawn tight keeping the station light out. He swallowed hard, assessing his remaining headache. The migraine had eased a bit, though it wasn’t gone. It lingered at the back of his head, hiding behind his eyes, he needed more sleep but his stomach ached for food. Just something light in case the migraine came back and his meal followed with an encore. 

He sat up slowly. He could feel the swelling in his face and hands. He was dehydrated, too. His shirt damp from his sleep sweat; he pulled it off over his head. He tried calling for Sloan, but his throat was too dry.  


He pushed himself out of bed and padded slowly to the door. He pulled it open and moved through the apartment, checking for her in each room he passed. As he entered the kitchen, he realized he was alone. He reached up and rubbed the back of his neck. 

He found a data pad on the table next to a bottle of water and another dose of Chakwas’ cocktail. Next to the cocktail was his bottle of traditional pain relievers, which she had obviously left for him in case the cocktail wasn’t needed. There was a note from her on the pad. She’d gone shopping with EDI, Trainor, Tali, and Liara and would be back in the evening. There was a broth in the fridge that just needed to be warmed and drank. The broth was fortified with supplements to help him meet his required caloric intake while remaining the light meal he needed. 

Guilt gnawed at his core as he swallowed the pills with the water and moved to get and heat the broth. He’d been awful to her and she hadn’t deserved it. He’d been in an odd place. Still reeling from the nightmare. The memory of making love to a reaperfied Sloan made him shudder. He could almost smell the metallic decay that had filled his senses in his dream-state. He’d woke, scared and confused, and in pain and the one person who could ease it all, and reassure him that she was not a husk, had been pushed away. 

She was too good to him.

He needed to make it up to her. Once the broth was warm he sat with it in a mug, sipping slowly. It was bland, but as he sat and drank he could feel the headache vying for a repeat. His eyes grew heavy and his muscles twitched. He finished the broth faster than he should have and dropped the mug in the sink. He took the water with him to the bedroom, wincing as the light from the windows assaulted his eyes. He closed himself in the cool darkness of the room and fell quickly into the bed. He pulled the blankets over him, and wrapped his arms around her pillow. 

Plum blossoms.

Tears prickled at his eyes as he pushed the thought of his nightmare away and inhaled deeply. He hoped she’d be back when he woke. 

He woke from his drug induced slumber like he was rising from the depths of the ocean. Slowly and with a chill; it was a sensation he was familiar with from his experience with Leviathan and one he had never wanted to repeat. His eyes blinked open and he was grateful the room was still dark. He forced himself into a sitting position. His body ached, muscles groaning and joints creaking as he stretched. However, his head was blissfully pain free.

He glanced to at the time: 1930. He’d slept away an entire day of leave. His heart sunk at the wasted time. He pushed himself out of bed and made his way to the door. He blinked as the light from the living room fell over him. He heard soft music playing from down the hall and turned towards it. It was a soft electronic jazz and he followed the sound to the bathroom. The door was open and he leaned against the doorway, a smile pulling at his lips at the sight before him.

Sloan was in the hot tub. She was facing the door and Kaidan was struck dumb by the vision before him. Her eyes were closed and her head was resting back on the edge of the tub. Her cheeks were pink and her skin glistened in the soft lighting. Most of her hair was piled on top of her head, though some strands had fallen and were stuck to her neck and face. She was holding a glass of wine in one hand and conducting an invisible orchestra with the other. Her legs were crossed so one was dangling off her knee above the water. Droplets slipped down her skin, tracing a path Kaidan knew all too well. The rest of her was hidden behind the rolling bubbles caused by the jets, but Kaidan knew. 

“Hello beautiful,” he greeted, his voice quiet and low. She didn’t even open her eyes, just lifted her sculpted eyebrows and sipped from her glass. “Did you have a pleasant day?” 

“Considering how it started, it really could only get better.” Her eyes drifted open and landed on his. He couldn’t tell how upset she still was. He swallowed hard and stepped closer to the tub. She cocked an eyebrow and a frown tugged at her lips. She set the glass down on the edge of the tub.

“Yeah, that guy was such an ass this morning,” he agreed with her as he reached the edge of the tub. He knelt and took the exposed foot in his hand. His thumbs ran along the arch of her foot from heel to toe. He gently massaged the pad, leaning forward and kissing each toe. He met her eyes, and they were sparkling as a smile broke out on her face. She said nothing, just let him rub her foot. After a moment, she pulled it from his hands and lifted the other. He chuckled, a warm rasp of a laugh, as he repeated the action on the opposite foot. 

“You still seem stiff; are you feeling better?” She pulled her foot from his hands and moved to him in the tub. She reached out and ran a wet hand over his forehead and down the side of his face. He turned his head and kissed her palm. She smiled at him. 

“My head’s better but my body kind of aches all over.” 

“Well,” she paused, glancing back at the tub, “you said you wanted us in the tub before leave was over,” she brought her gaze to his and wrapped her arms around his neck. Water trickled from her arms and hands down his back. She pulled him closer, her lips pressing to his. Her kiss was wet, and tasted of wine as she pulled him over the edge of the tub. He laughed into her kiss as he tried to kick off his boxers. 

He fell into the tub with her, laughing, water splashing onto the bathroom floor. She released him as they shifted to sit. He scooped his boxers out of the water and tossed them to the floor. She smiled at him, and ushered him to sit in front of her. His back to her chest, he sighed at the feel of her curves pressed tight to his skin as he settled between her legs. Her lips lightly teased his neck and shoulder. His hands caressed her legs as her proximity, her touch, and the heat from the water helped the muscles in his body relax. 

She ran her hands through his hair and down his neck and shoulders. He breathed deeply, feeling content. “What shopping did you do today?”

“Well, I didn’t shop. EDI wanted to pick something up for Joker, Tali for Garrus, and Trainor got herself a new toothbrush,” Sloan rattled off the list, and Kaidan just focused on the sound of her voice and the touch of her hands. “Did you know Trainor’s toothbrush cost 10,000 credits?!” They laughed together, the water sloshing around them. 

Light pressure on his shoulder told him to lean forward, allowing room for her hands between them. She continued to massage his back, forcing out the knots that had built up between war time stresses and his migraine that morning. He loved the feel of her hands, so strong and capable, but still somehow gentle as she cared for him. He sighed deeply, wondering, not for the first time, how he got so lucky. She leaned forward, then, placing a kiss to the beauty mark on his shoulder before wrapping her arms around him and bringing him back with her. 

Kaidan couldn’t imagine a better way to spend the evening. In her arms, not thinking about anything of any importance. He turned his head towards her. She leaned down and kissed him gently. Her hands rested on his chest as he leaned his head back on her shoulder. The jazz music filled the humid air of the room as they relaxed together enjoying the stillness … until she gasped.

“What?”

“I forgot to tell you!” He hated the change in her tone, and had a feeling this wasn’t going to be good news. “So, you know how Liara and Javik have been working on, basically a book?” Kaidan shook his head no. “Oh, well, in her downtime, she’s been interviewing him, learning even more about his culture and the Prothean, and making notes to write about the race.”

“Okay.”

“Well, Javik has, apparently, grown quite fond of our Prothean expert and asked her for a favor. He’s the last living Prothean, and considering the Asari’s ability to procreate with any species—“

“No!” Kaidan’s heart sunk as he realized where this was going.

“Yeah, I guess he asked her if she would have his baby. He understands it would be an asari, but it would be half Prothean and the only way to allow anything Prothean to survive – should the Crucible work. And you know Liara, ever the scientist, she agreed,” Sloan’s hands were tracing an invisible pattern on his chest. “I just worry that Liara is making the decision for the wrong reasons and when I asked her what James thought about it, she was surprised that I thought she should have said something to him.”

“James doesn’t even know?” Kaidan immediately felt for James. He had a strong feeling this would not sit well with him. He felt Sloan shake her head. 

“I don’t know that they’ve really defined their relationship, or how serious they are at all, but it seemed to me that they were pretty exclusive. I convinced her that she needs to at least talk to James about it, but I think she’s pretty set on doing this for Javik,” Sloan said and Kaidan sighed softly. As bad as he felt for James, it nagged at the back of his mind – the fact that this could affect his performance on the field. Sloan pressed a kiss to his neck. He said as much to her. “I know. I’ll make sure James is okay before I bring him groundside anywhere.” She murmured the statement into his skin.

“I guess it does make sense, though, from Javik’s perspective, and I think it says a lot about how far he’s come with the crew that he asked Liara. She must have been flattered,” Kaidan commented as his hands ran up and down her shins. 

“She was practically purple the entire time she was telling me,” Sloan agreed, leaving a trail of kisses from his shoulder to his ear. He could feel her tense up seconds before she spoke again. “Do you ever think about it?”

“It?”

“Babies. Having babies, I mean, I know you’ve asked me what I want but … do you?” Her voice was quiet, he could barely hear it over the jets. He turned his head and found her eyes. 

“Of course, I do,” he answered, and he hoped she could see how serious he was. 

She blushed. “With me?”

“No, I thought I’d ask Liara—“ She pushed him away from her then and he slid beneath the surface. He held his breath in time, and came up laughing and facing her. He wiped the water from his face, pushing his hair back. Her eyes danced over his torso as he knelt in front of her. Her arms were folded over her chest, which did interesting things to her breasts. He moved closer to her and she turned her head away from him. He boxed her in, placing a hand on the edge of the tub on either side of her head. “Sloan,” he was grinning and placed a kiss on her cheek.

“I was trying to have a serious conversation with you,” she mumbled the words, and he could tell the blush on her cheeks was from more than the heat of the hot tub. 

“Sloan,” he moved a hand to her chin, turning her face to his. “Those two years after Alchera taught me a lot.” Her eyes met his and she whispered his name. “One of the many things I learned is that, you’re it for me. If it’s not you, it’s no one. Of course, I want to have babies but, I don’t want them with anyone but you.”

“Well, shit,” she muttered, turning her teary eyes away from him. He chuckled as he inquired what was wrong. She wrapped her arms around him, met his eyes and leaned her forehead against his. “I really wanted to be pissed at you again.” He laughed, and kissed her. His stomach rumbled and she broke the kiss. “Have you eaten anything besides the broth?” He shook his head and she shot him a scolding look before she reached and turned off the jets. 

He chuckled softly, watching as she emerged from the water. Her body slick, drops of water racing down her curves. He bit the inside of his cheek to focus as she wrapped a towel around herself. She reached a hand to him, helping him from the tub. “Come on, I’ll let you make it up to me by making me dinner.”


	90. Chapter 90

It was the chime of Sloan’s omni’tool that woke Kaidan the next morning. As he woke, he slowly became aware of her body snug against his. Her back to his chest, and his arms around her. Her rear set soundly against his hips. He pressed a kiss to her bare shoulder and she stirred against him. He felt the moment she became alert. Her body tensed and she rolled to her back. He shifted to give her space and propped himself up on his elbow to watch her. She opened her ‘tool, squinting at the light, and reading the message.

Kaidan tugged at the sheet, exposing her chest, his eyes roamed over the swell of her breasts and the planes of her abdomen. When he looked back to her face, she was smirking and watching him. “See something you like, Alenko?”

He grinned, leaning over and placing a row of kisses over her neck and collarbone. “Just my favorite place to spend a day,” he let the stubble of his cheek brush against the curve of her breast and she breathed a laugh.

“Well, today is not that day,” she mumbled, and he felt the weight of his disappointment tug at his face as he pulled back to look at her. She chuckled softly, reaching out and cupping his cheek. “Normandy’s ready for inspection. Joker, Adams, and I have to walk through and then leave’s over.” Kaidan sighed and pulled back, supporting himself on an elbow. Her hand dropped to the bed between them. He watched her eyes move over his face. Her voice was soft, quiet even, almost timid, when she continued. “I’m thinking we’ll head out first thing tomorrow morning. I have a report from Traynor. She has a lead on Leng.” At the mention of the assassin, Kaidan’s eyes darted to her scar. His hand seemed to move on its own; his fingertips dancing over the mark that almost took her from him. She covered his hand and held it there. He met her eyes with a sigh.

Talk of Leng was enough to chill the room and twist Kaidan’s stomach in knots. Kaidan fell onto his back and Sloan moved to rest her head on his shoulder. Silence filled the room for a handful of heartbeats. Then, Sloan took a deep breath and placed a kiss to his chest before sitting up. He watched her, one hand behind his head, the other on the rapidly cooling sheet she’d vacated. She shook out her hair as she stood, and he watched the gentle curls dance down her back. She grabbed her bathrobe before padding from the room. Once she disappeared, he looked to the ceiling before closing his eyes. He had the overwhelming sensation that this was the end. Not of their leave, though it was that, but of everything. There was a finality that settled in his chest when he thought about their next steps that made him feel like everything was suddenly moving too fast.

In an attempt to stop the anxiety that came with those thoughts before they started, he dragged himself from bed. Knowing her she’d be heading out to complete the walkthrough first thing. That way she could let the crew know tonight was their last night before it was too late. He heard the shower turn on as he pulled sweatpants on, tying the waist loose before picking his t-shirt up off the floor and pulling it over his head. He made his way to the kitchen, starting the coffee. He decided to wait for food for Sloan, so he could make her what she wanted.

As he fixed his mug of coffee, a call came through the apartment’s comm link. He brought his coffee with him to the living room, answering the comm.  “Admiral!” Anderson’s face filled the screen above the fireplace. Kaidan shouldn’t have been surprised to see him, but he was.

“Kaidan, I see you managed to convince Sloan to take a break,” Anderson inquired, and Kaidan nearly winced at the sheer exhaustion that rang out in the man’s voice. He looked worn down, haggard. To say he looked exhausted was not enough. He looked defeated, and that set a fire of worry in his core.

“It was more than me, really, Dr. Chakwas had a lot do to with it,” Kaidan admitted, setting down his coffee and standing straighter. The image on the screen flickered before him and a loud rumble sounded in the distance. Kaidan reached up and scratched the back of his neck. “I should go get Sloan; she’ll be disappointed if she misses the chance to see you.”

“In a minute,” Anderson said, his gaze bore into Kaidan. He swallowed hard. They shouldn’t be taking this break. Here they were relaxing on the Citadel, in an apartment, with a warm bed, and any food they wanted, with an opportunity to leave their guns and the war behind. Yet, Anderson, and everyone else on Earth and the countless planets already taken by the Reapers, were in a constant fight. He wanted more than anything to end it for them. His gut twisted uncomfortably. “How is she?”

Kaidan let out a breath and sat on the arm of the couch, crossing his arms over his chest. “She’s exhausted, but determined. She forgets to eat, she puts everything before herself. She almost died,” Kaidan watched Anderson’s reaction. The Admiral’s lack of response told Kaidan he knew about the attack already. “If it hadn’t been for the Cerberus implants…,” Kaidan paused, his voice sticking in his throat and Anderson nodded.

“Well, I never thought I’d have another reason to be thankful for Cerberus but here we are,” Anderson spoke with a sigh. “How are you, Kaidan?”

“Me, sir?” Kaidan asked, his voice breaking. He could count on one hand the number of times Anderson had called him by his first name,

Anderson chuckled. “Look, Kaidan, I’m an old man. I never had a family, never had children, but since she was sixteen I’ve had Sloan. She’s been my family, like a kid sister or … at times, even like a daughter.” Anderson paused and his eyes narrowed as he considered Kaidan. Kaidan felt the weight of his gaze. “What I’m saying is I’ve known about the two of you for longer than even she knows.” Anderson laughed and Kaidan knew it had to be in response to the look on Kaidan’s face. “Back on the SR-1, she had a bit of a heart to heart with Kahlee one night. Well, Kahlee and I had no secrets so, she told me, too. I watched the two of you over the course of the mission against Saren. You maintained a level of decorum I respected. It was clear you would put the mission first, so I stayed silent.”

“At her memorial?” Kaidan asked, his heart lurching at the thought of that day. He assumed he would always have that reaction to those memories.

“At her memorial, I realized just how deeply you felt for her. So, I watched you since she couldn’t. I monitored your career, pushed in certain places and pulled back in others. When I grew concerned over the types of missions you were taking, I did what I had to do to have you reassigned. By then, the rumors had started, that she was alive,” Anderson paused, tilting his head in consideration as Kaidan digested his words.

“You sent me to Horizon,” Kaidan stated, and Anderson nodded.

“I did. I admit, I was surprised you didn’t go with her, but then I realized I shouldn’t have been. I knew they type of soldier you are, the kind of man you are, and I shouldn’t have been surprised you wouldn’t align yourself with Cerberus – even if I wanted you to.”

“I wasn’t in a place to believe, to accept that it was her,” Kaidan offered, and Anderson held up a hand.

“I know how difficult it was for me, I can hardly imagine what that was like for you. She holds no hard feelings and neither do I. Look, Kaidan, I’m … I’m an old man,” Anderson paused, and Kaidan wanted to reassure him, he wanted to tell Anderson that they would make it through this but they both knew there was no way to be sure of anything. Kaidan remained silent. “You’re not the first person to fall in love with Commander Shepard,” Anderson stated simply. Kaidan started to interject, but Anderson held up a hand. “It’s easy to do, and I’ve seen it happen more times than I can count, more times than even _she’s_ aware of. You are, however, the first person I’ve seen fall in love with Sloan. It’s even easier to fall in love with her, but that is not something I have seen before.”

Kaidan felt his eyes sting with unshed tears, he cleared his throat and dropped his gaze. “Admiral-”

“David.”

“David,” Kaidan looked up and met Anderson’s stare. “I do, love her, I mean, and I promise you I will do everything I can to make sure she is as prepared as she can be for whatever she has to face, and she’ll never have to face it alone.” Anderson nodded, but said nothing else. It was hard for Kaidan to tell over the comm, but his eyes seemed a bit wetter than usual. “I should go get her; she’ll never forgive me if she misses a chance to see you,” Kaidan insisted softly, and Anderson nodded. Kaidan turned to head to the bathroom, ignoring Anderson as he reached up and wiped his eyes.

She had just stepped out of the shower and was wrapping the robe around her, tying it closed as Kaidan opened the door. She picked up a towel and brought it to her hair as she turned to him, smiling a gentle smile. “You’re late if you were looking to join me.”

“David’s on the comm for you.” She pushed him out of the way as she moved through the doorway. He followed her, slowly, giving them a few minutes alone. By the time he reached her, both she and Anderson had tears in their eyes. Kaidan slid his arm around her, his hand resting on her hip, and she leaned into him. “It’s so good to see you, David. You look… good,” her pause said more than her words, and Anderson laughed.

“I look like roadkill, I know, but it feels good to see you okay,” Anderson said. They spent the next few minutes talking business, positioning and plans. “Hackett says construction of the Crucible is nearing a standstill. We need the catalyst before we can move forward,” Anderson scrubbed his hands over his face, and Shepard glanced at Kaidan.

“We didn’t get it on Thessia, but we think we have a way to trace Leng.” Regret laced her tone, at failing Thessia, at losing the data, at losing to Leng.

“I’m going to kill him.” The words left Kaidan on their own, but as soon as they were out Kaidan knew they were true. The image of Sloan’s scar was seared into his mind. Anderson nodded, and Sloan looked up at him, concern bright in her eyes. Anderson’s attention was caught by something out of their view.

“I have to go, duty calls,” Anderson explained and Shepard’s breath grew short as she nodded. “Godspeed, you two.”

“I’m coming back for you, as soon as I can, David,” she promised, and he smiled with a nod. The comm cut out and the screen went black. Sloan turned and wrapped her arms around his waist. He folded himself around her, holding her as close to him as he could get her. “How much time have we wasted sitting here? Sitting here where it’s warm and comfortable and stocked with food,” she pulled back. Her hands fisted his shirt over his chest. “He’s out there fighting day in and day out with nothing but the clothes on his back and we’re … what? Taking a vacation?”

“Sloan, you were dead a week ago. I almost died during the Leviathan mission. This wasn’t a vacation. This was medically necessary. I hate that he’s out there, but you know as well as I do that if we’re going to make it back to him we need to heal. The Normandy needs maintenance or she’ll stop flying and then we’re good for nothing. Anderson understands that, it sucks, it’s not fair, but he understands,” Kaidan promised her smoothing her hair out of her face. She sighed and dropped her forehead to his chest.

“We need to get back to him, back to Earth, as soon as we can,” she insisted, “I don’t want to lose him, too.”

“I know, Sloan, and we will,” he promised, pressing a kiss to the crown of her head. “We will.” He felt just as guilty as she did; he hated sitting here in Anderson’s house with Anderson’s coffee and Sloan while Anderson fought on Earth, but they each had their roles to play in the war and this is what needed to be done. It didn’t make it easier.

Kaidan squeezed her hand in reply. “How about breakfast before your walkthrough?” he asked, leading her to the kitchen. She nodded as she perched herself on a stool and watched as Kaidan moved around the kitchen. He poured her a coffee before turning to the fridge to start the meal. Kaidan placed a bowl of chopped fruit in front of her with a fork as he started the eggs and bacon.

The rest of the morning went by far too quickly. The Normandy was ready, perfect condition, really, and the disappointment that flashed between Shepard and Joker as they departed the ship said plenty. Their leave was over, and it was time to return to work. Shepard sent out the message calling everyone back to the ship at 0400 to depart by 0500. Joker dug his hands deep in his pockets after nodding to Kaidan and turning to leave, his head down.

When Kaidan turned back to Shepard, he found her leaning on the railing, supporting herself with her forearms as her gaze stayed locked on the Normandy. He watched her for a moment, memorizing the way she looked in the station’s daylight. She still looked tired, but he felt like fatigue would cling to them until the war was over. It didn’t matter how long their leave was. She was too thin, still or again he wasn’t sure. Not that it mattered. He sighed, moving next to her, he copied her stance. She turned and met his eyes, smiling briefly before looking back to the ship.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked gently.

She glanced at him, her eyes smiling though her lips remained still. “This one evening before I shipped out, I met this gorgeous Lieutenant in an amp shop,” she started, unable to hold back her smile; it tugged at the corners of her mouth. Kaidan chuckled, his hand moving over the small of her back to her hip and pulling her in front of him. He wrapped his arms around her waist and let his chin rest on her shoulder. “Changed my life, he did.”

Her words ignited a fire in his chest and his throat dried. He pressed a kiss to her neck. “It’s been… a hell of a ride,” he spoke the words against her skin. Her hands covered his and their fingers zipped together. “If you could go back, would you change anything?” he spoke the words quietly, almost fearful of the answer.

She turned just enough to look at him. “I wouldn’t have waited for you to kiss me.” He chuckled, and kissed her soundly. “You?”

“I would have kissed you sooner.” She laughed then, loud and from her center, and he grinned as he watched her face brighten for the first time in months. She turned in his arms, letting her hands slide up his arms and wrapping around his neck. He watched as her eyes moved over his face; her fingers teasing the short hairs at the back of his head. He shuddered as she neared his amp port. The smile slowly disappeared from her face.

“Take me home,” she demanded quietly, an anxious tremble in her voice. Her hands gripped the back of his shirt as she pressed herself closer to him. His arms tightening around her. “I don’t want to look at or talk to anyone but you for the next twelve hours.”

He dropped his head; his lips brushing her ear as he spoke. “Can I put you to bed?” He felt her tremble at his words and the huskiness in his voice.

The heat in her eyes and the smirk on her lips sent his heart racing. “Alenko, if you don’t, I’ll throw you out the airlock.” He laughed and his lips brushed hers for a second before he pulled away, releasing her and grasping her hand. He heard the disappointed whimper as it slipped through her unkissed lips and he chuckled as he led her to the transit station.

It didn’t take long for them to lock themselves away and indulge in each other. They took their time. When they made love, it was fast and desperate, before it was slow and easy. When he heard her stomach growling, he ordered food instead of cooking for her. Kaidan didn’t want to spend a second not completely focused on her. When dinner was delivered, they ate in bed. Kaidan laughed when Sloan complained about the crumbs in the sheets. She hit him with a pillow. They wrestled, naked, falling off the bed when they got tangled in the sheets. They laughed as they kissed. Her eyes locked on his as she gripped his hands. His heart fluttered when tears filled her eyes. She held him close, her nails breaking his skin, and he hated the uncertainty he felt in her kiss.

They slept, holding each other tight as they tried to keep their nightmares at bay.

When they woke, too early, the following morning, they allowed themselves the luxury of showering together. They washed each other’s backs. Kaidan could almost see her missing scars. Het took his time washing her hair, inhaling the familiar scent of her. He reveled in the feel of her strong hands as they moved over his back. He loved the way she touched him; like he was special. They dressed quickly, pulling on their BDUs. Before they left, he did make her breakfast. One last meal in the apartment before they returned to the rations on the Normandy. She’d be restocked, but still, Kaidan knew Sloan would leave the good stuff for the crew; so, he made her breakfast.

As they left, she slid her hand in his, before pulling her bag higher on her shoulder. She stopped at the threshold and turned to look back into the apartment. She kept her head down and her eyes off him. His stomach rolled as anxiety bloomed in his core. With a gentle touch beneath her chin, he lifted her head so he could meet her eyes. He whispered her name, and she rolled her eyes at herself, wiping her cheeks with her free hand. He cupped her face and he leaned into his touch offering him a watery smile. He wished he could do more. He wished he could take on the war himself and keep her safe. “Let’s go,” she whispered, allowing the door to close behind them. He fell into step beside her, zipping their fingers together. He wondered if they’d have a chance to return to the apartment before the war was over. He wondered if they’d actually see the end of the war, if they’d survive it. Only time would tell.

He had a feeling they'd know sooner rather than later.


	91. Chapter 91

Chapter Ninety-One

Kaidan watched the comm cut out; Hackett’s form disappearing before their eyes. Shepard dropped her head for just a moment, heaving a great breath. Without turning towards him she lifted her omni’tool and called the ground team to the war room. Then, she turned to him. Her eyes met his, weary, resigned. They were old soldiers now. They knew what this meant. This could be, probably was, the beginning of the end – of their end. Her lips quirked for just a moment, a sad shadow of a smile, before the doors opened in the room behind them. She moved passed him, her hand brushing his as she did.

“I’ll be making an announcement to the ship soon, but I wanted you to hear it first,” Shepard started as Kaidan moved to the doorway, already aware of the news she was sharing. He leaned against the wall, his arms folded over his chest. Even Joker brought himself from the Bridge for the meeting. They must know what was coming, too. “Traynor’s intel was good. Joker, when we leave here, I’m ordering you to follow the heading to Cerberus’ base. I just confirmed with Hackett. The Crucible is as ready as it can be. All it needs is the catalyst which we will be obtaining from Leng.” Kaidan noticed as Tali leaned into Garrus’ side. The turian wrapped an arm around her without removing his eyes from their Commander.  James’ eyes darted across the room to Liara, who kept her gaze on her omni’tool.

“It will take us a full cycle to reach the base, Shepard,” EDI’s voiced.

Shepard nodded as she looked to those gathered around the table. “There should be no mistaking it. When we move on Cerberus, the reapers will notice. Reports from Earth indicate something is happening in London. It’s where the Reaper forces are heaviest. So, while we take care of Cerberus, Hackett will be moving the Crucible to Earth. It is imperative we gain the intel on the catalyst. Once we take out Ceberus, we move to retake Earth, to end the war, with or without the catalyst. Take the day, prepare. One way or another, this war will be over soon.” Her shoulders rose and fell with a deep breath. “Dismissed.”

Slowly, silently, the room emptied. James folded his arms across his chest and dropped his head as Liara filed passed him. When the room was empty, save for Vega, Shepard, and Kaidan, Kaidan asked, “Did you need something, Vega?” It was then that Shepard noticed the Lieutenant. Kaidan stepped up next to Shepard.

“Something to… care to spar, _Viejo_? I need something that will hit back,” Vega asked simply. His tone simmered with pent up aggression, and Kaidan had a feeling he knew the source of his anguish. Kaidan looked to Sloan and he wondered if James’ words brought the same memory to her as it did him. She turned towards him, leaning against the console and the gentle quirk of her lips told him it did.

_“What did the bag do to you anyway?” … “It doesn’t hit back.” … “Well, I do.”_

Kaidan wanted to take care of his duties and spend their night off alone in their cabin, but he had to take care of his crew first. A slight nod from Sloan told him she understood. “I’ll meet you down in the cargo bay in ten,” Kaidan agreed and James left quickly. He reached up, and brushed the back of his fingers across her cheek. “I’ll meet you upstairs in … an hour?” She took his hand, holding it to her face before turning her head and kissing his palm. She nodded, taking his hand and zipping their fingers.

 “Think it’s Liara?” Shepard asked softly as they turned to leave the war room.

Kaidan looked to her from the corner of his eye; he bit back a smile as he answered, “Of course, it is; it’s always the woman.”

Shepard snorted, dropping his hand and pushing him away from her as they shared a tired laugh. Kaidan nodded at Westmoreland and Campbell as they passed through security. They reached the elevator and Kaidan pushed the button for the cargo bay as Shepard went towards the Bridge to speak with Joker and EDI. He watched her go, a heaviness spreading in his chest. Whenever she walked away from him, the finality of their situation constricted his lungs. Every beat of his heart against his ribs, every second that passed, reminded him the end was closing in on them. That this could be the last time he watched her walk away from him.

He scrubbed his hands over his face as he stepped onto the elevator, keeping his eyes shut until the doors closed. The ride down to meet James was as long as he expected. He’d never had a problem with small spaces, but being in the elevator as it inched its way down sent his insides squirming and his palms sweating. The doors opened at just the right moment, any longer and he feared the tension would trigger a migraine.

Kaidan found James at his work station, fidgeting. “Hey, Vega, you good?” Kaidan asked as he stripped off his BDU top. His dog tags clinked against his chest. He untucked his undershirt as he walked towards him. Vega’s usual tee was damp and Kaidan assumed he’d already started. They moved to the center of the bay.

“Yeah, can we skip the biotics this time? I need…,” James stopped when Kaidan nodded at him. “Let’s dance.” They circled each other with a defensive posture. Kaidan looked for clues to James’ mood, and his first move. His eyes were dark, the pupils blending in with the russet irises. His body was tense, nearly vibrating with anxious energy. There was no way this was just the war. This _was_ personal. He may have been teasing Shepard when he said he thought it was about Liara, but now he was certain. The tension in James’ shoulders gave away his first offensive move and Kaidan was able to avoid the strike and score a quick jab to James’ kidney as he moved past him.

James growled.

Kaidan took the offensive with a string of punches meant to annoy and irritate James. There was no force behind them, it was the equivalent of swatting a fly, but Kaidan was trying to break through James’ mental blocks and this was the perfect way to do it. A couple of impacts to his sides, followed by an open-handed tap to the side of his head and James nearly roared.

“Vega, get out of your head,” Kaidan said before blocking another attempt from James. Vega flashed a frown at Kaidan before charging him. Kaidan dropped his shoulder and caught James in the chest, using the larger man’s size and momentum against him, he caught him and heaved him off his feet. Without biotics Kaidan wouldn’t be able to flip him over, but he let him fall to the floor. He landed on his back, winded.

Kaidan stepped away from James and let the marine catch his breath. Kaidan moved and grabbed James’ water from his bench and handed it to him. James glared up at him from the floor before accepting Kaidan’s hand. Once James was back on his feet, he took the bottle bringing it to his lips and nearly draining it. Kaidan spoke first. “What’s going on?”

“Like you don’t know,” James snapped, moving away from him and falling onto the bench. In this moment he wasn’t a headstrong, highly trained, N7 nominee; he was a sullen teenager who just found out his girlfriend was taking someone else to prom – though, Kaidan knew this was bigger than that. Kaidan sighed and leaned against the table across from him.

“Liara and Javik?”

“She’s having his _baby_ ,” James muttered. Shaking his head and scrubbing his hands over his face he sighed. “This is ridiculous. I shouldn’t… I’m good. I’ll be good.” James insisted, frustrated and perhaps a bit embarrassed that he was reacting like this.

“Do you know the story of how we met Liara? Back on the SR-1?” Kaidan asked and grinned when James looked up at him. His head cocked in a way that made him look like a curious puppy. “We were looking for leads on Saren and we found out that Matriarch Benezia was working with him. So, we went to find Benezia’s daughter, an archaeologist with a specialty in the Prothean, who was at a dig site on Therum.”

“Everybody knows that,” James answered leaning forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

“But what everybody doesn’t know, is that we found Liara trapped in a Prothean defense shield. She’d triggered it when the geth arrived and while the geth couldn’t get to her, she couldn’t get herself out,” Kaidan added and James grinned with a reluctant chuckle. “When _you_ first met Liara, she was efficiently taking out Cerberus operatives on Mars. She was already the Shadow Broker. She no longer had a simple specialty in the Prothean, she was well regarded as a Prothean expert. Her offensive biotics are the strongest and most effective they have ever been. She’s a capable, invaluable asset in this war.” James nodded, leaning back on the bench and crossing his arms over his chest. “You’ve only ever known _that_ Liara. When we went to Eden Prime and ended up bringing Javik back, that was the closest I’ve seen her to that bright eyed, fresh faced scientist we picked up years ago. You never knew _that_ Liara. That _that_ Liara, the scientist with a specialty in the Prothean, wants to procreate with the only living Prothean in the galaxy isn’t surprising. That Liara, the Shadow Broker who has very real feelings for you, wants to procreate with the only living Prothean, well, it’s not surprising, either.”

James snorted, frowning, and Kaidan realized he wasn’t helping.

“Vega, she didn’t know she should have had a conversation with you about it first. She’s over a hundred, but she has next to zero experience in romantic relationships.”

James sighed, and looked doubtful.

“She will be the first to tell you, when she first joined us on the Normandy she’d had very little interaction with other individuals, let alone humans. She was independent and so wrapped up in her work she didn’t allow distractions like connections with the living. When she first joined us, she thought she had feelings for Shepard simply because Shepard was _kind_ to her. Yes, she’s grown since then, and she does care about you, but she is still unsure of how to handle all of it.” Kaidan let a moment of silence fill the space between them while James considered his words. He pushed away from the table and sat next to him on the bench. The younger man’s eyes following him as he did.

“I just don’t know, _Viejo_. I wasn’t looking for this. I wasn’t expecting it, and it just happened. I almost feel like, what’s the point?”

“The point? I don’t know about you, but every time I go out there, I’m fighting for a chance at a future with Sloan. _That’s_ the point. What are you fighting for?” Kaidan voiced the question, but didn’t expect an answer. “Look, at the end of the day, we may only have a couple of days left. As cliché as that may be, do you really want to spend them being hurt and angry? Or do you want to spend them making memories with the person you love?” James didn’t respond, but his eyes glistened in a way that told Kaidan he understood. Kaidan clapped a hand on his shoulder as he stood. “As much as I’d love to try to help you sort this out-”

“Yeah,” James said, scrubbing a hand over his face then up over his hair. “Go, be with Shepard. You deserve as much time for memories as you can get,” James added and Kaidan smiled. “Thanks for the dance, _Viejo._ ”

Kaidan just nodded and left him to his thoughts. He picked up his shirt and tossed it over a shoulder as he went to the elevator. He hoped he’d been able to help, but as the elevator climbed to their quarters, he let his concerns for James and Liara fall away so he could focus on Sloan. He stopped at the crew deck to grab some food before heading the rest of the way up. Stepping off the elevator, the door to their space sighed open. As he crossed the threshold he could almost feel the day slip off his shoulders and roll down his back.

He found Shepard exactly where he thought she would be. Standing at her desk, staring at the terminal, hair down and dressed in one of his shirts. Still, though the top hung off her slender frame, he could see the tension in her shoulders and the drop of her head. He set the MREs down on the desk and tossed his BDU shirt to her chair before stepping behind her. She glanced at him quickly before he wrapped an arm around her waist. He could feel the firm planes of her abdomen as his arm encircled her. He tried to pull her back, away from the desk, but she didn’t move. He reached in front of her with his free hand and turned off the terminal. She let out a snort before he wrapped his other arm around her and pulled her back against him.

This time she let him, and she sighed as she leaned her head back on his shoulder. Her hands slowly stroking his arms. “We’ve done all we can. There is no point in looking at the numbers all night.” He pressed a kiss to her neck and she nodded.

“How’s James?” she asked quietly, the soft tone of her voice stirring something in his core.

“Hey, EDI, what’s the twenty on Vega?” Kaidan asked, glancing at the ceiling.

“Lieutenant Vega entered Dr. T’Soni’s quarters approximately five minutes ago,” EDI answered, a hint of amusement in her voice.

“I think they’ll be just fine,” Kaidan answered into her neck and she grinned.

“Nicely done, Major,” she spun in his embrace and wrapped her arms around his neck. Her eyes dropped to his chest before she pressed herself against him and he held her even tighter. The silence fell on them like a blanket of snow, dense and heavy. He ran his hand over the back of her head. She pulled back and met his eyes. He kissed her quickly. Pulling back, he watched as she licked her lips, keeping her eyes closed. Without releasing her, he used his omni’tool to turn on some soft music. As the gentle jazz drifted through the room, he felt her hands fist in his shirt. He took a moment, before he slowly started to sway. Feeling her body, warm and alive, against his was everything he wanted. He felt the muscles shift beneath her clothes and took comfort in the fact that, after everything, they had made it this far.

He wasn’t sure how much time passed before her body trembled with a sigh he felt against his neck. “I brought food.”

“I don’t want it.”

“Sloan-“

“Kaidan, can we just … be still tonight? Will you just … hold me?” Her request was muffled against his shoulder. He leaned back and lifted her chin with one finger, forcing her to meet his gaze. She brought her hands between them, her fingers toying with his dog tags. “I’m … scared, Kaidan. What if I can’t beat him? What if Leng wins tomorrow?” He took her hands in his, lifting them to his lips and kissing them quickly. He led her to their couch letting her question hang, unanswered, in the space between them. He moved into the corner and pulled her down against him. She settled between his legs, her back against his chest. His arms wrapped around her and his stubble brushed against her neck with his kisses.

“ _You_ don’t have to beat him. You are not alone in this. Do you hear me?” he asked, his voice strong, determined. She nodded. “ _We_ will beat him. _We_ will win tomorrow.” She nodded, and he tightened his hold on her.

This woman in his arms was so much to so many. A leader, a beacon, hope, for an entire galaxy. Every defeat, every death was taking its toll on her. Yet, he was the only one who knew how vulnerable she could be. Still, after all this time, he never understood how she handled it. He wanted to take some of the burden from her. He couldn’t. So, instead, he’d be her soft place to land. She gripped his arm tight, her fingers leaving welts in their wake. Her nails leaving half moons in his skin. Still, he held her tighter as sleep came for them.

The next morning found them still on the couch, tangled together, holding tight. EDI woke them early. They were an hour out from the station. Sloan opened her eyes and looked to him. Her fingers brushed his cheek and she lifted her lips to his. He cupped the back of her head as his lips parted for her. He poured all the reassurance he could into this kiss. He held her impossibly close. When she pulled back, she was smiling and breathless; her eyes shining. “Cerberus … Leng … they don’t stand a chance against us.”


	92. Chapter 92

Kaidan felt her hands at his waist and he glanced over his shoulder, watching as she checked his armor. Her fingers moved quickly and efficiently over the seals as her eyes followed. When she checked his shoulder guards her eyes met his and an anxious smile tugged at her lips. He turned to face her but before he could speak to reassure her, she’d turned her back to him, allowing him to perform his own check. His gaze darted around the cargo bay. They were relatively alone in this corner; everyone’s attention was elsewhere. He finished his check and instead of tapping her shoulder, he gripped her hand and she turned towards him.

She weaved her fingers through his and met his eyes. “EDI’s coming with us. I have Vega, Garrus, and Tali ready as a second team if we need them.” He took a step closer to her, and was glad she didn’t step back, allowing him near.

“EDI?”  It wasn’t that he minded EDI’s inclusion, but Shepard had never brought the AI’s mobile platform on a groundside mission.

“Yeah, she believes her knowledge of Cerberus will help us. I can’t see any reason not to bring her. Any advantage we have is good at this point,” she dropped her eyes from his and he took her other hand, holding them both tight. She chewed her lip.

“Hey,” he whispered, and she looked at him through her lashes. “I’ve got your six.” She smiled, then; it was fleeting, but he would take it. He glanced around the room quickly before leaning forward and kissing her soundly. She squeaked when his lips met hers and he smirked against her kiss. He pulled back and she was grinning now, and she kept her eyes closed. His gaze traveled over her face, enjoying the way the bay’s light danced on her cheeks. Her eyes opened slowly, and the smile slid off her face. He squeezed her hands before releasing them. He watched as she squared her shoulders and stood straight before walking towards the shuttle.

The Fifth Fleet was escorting them in, so there was no real element of surprise. What was surprising, was the lack of a Cerberus presence. Cortez took the shuttle in with expert precision, and Shepard, EDI, and he were able to clear the handful of Cerberus operatives from the shuttle bay while sustaining minimal damage. Cortez was ordered to evacuate back to the Normandy and await the call for pick up. As he left, EDI shouted, “Shepard, Cerberus is attempting to vent the hangar!”

“What?” Shepard snapped, eyes wide and Kaidan’s heart leapt to his throat.

“I can stop the attempt by rerouting power but I need a console,” EDI explained quickly, and Kaidan spotted one a few steps away. He called her over and she followed. Her metallic fingers flying over the board as her eyes went blank. Kaidan met Shepard’s gaze through their visors as they waited. Seconds dragged with their eyes locked as they waited to see if EDI would succeed, or if they’d end up suffocating in the vastness of space; at least their last few moments would be spent together. “Complete. Venting aborted.” EDI confirmed, interrupting Kaidan’s morbid train of thought and he felt the relief like ice water running down his spine.

“Can you get the hangar doors open?” Shepard asked turning her attention to the room and their need to keep moving forward.

“Negative. However,” as EDI’s hands continued to move, a Cerberus fighter jet lifted from beneath the hangar floor. She turned the ship inwards. “I have overridden the controls of the fighter jet. We can use it to gain access to the rest of the station.”

“How are we supposed to-?” Kaidan asked as EDI activated the flight controls on the fighter. Seconds before it shot forward into the station, Kaidan turned, blocking Shepard with his body. The scent of eezo filled the area as a biotic shield flared around them. The explosion rocked the hangar bay. Debris bounched off his sheilded back. He felt Shepard tense, even through her armor, and wrapped an arm around her waist as the dust settled.

“Area’s secure. Sealed. We can move when you’re ready,” EDI announced, checking her firearm and taking point as Kaidan lowered his shield.

“Nicely done, EDI,” Shepard complimented, locking eyes briefly with Kaidan before moving to lead them through the hangar.

“The central lab was located behind this hangar. I suggest we follow the fighter’s path,” EDI explained, a sense of accomplishment and pride tinting her voice. With a simple hand motion, Shepard ordered them to move forward and they fell into step behind her. Togther, they climbed over smouldering debris to make it out of the hangar, leaving the wreckage behind them.

As they continued their way through the station, EDI absolutely proved her value. She was able to bypass security doors and sense when Cerberus was on to their positioning and sending more troops their way. It gave them the foresight to prepare and helped limit the risk of them being overrun. They were able to take the right positions, to flank enemies or avoid corridors when needed.

They came to the end of a long corridor, their way blocked by a heavily encrypted door. EDI moved to begin the hack as Shepard and Kaidan covered her. “Shepard, that terminal to your right has not been fully scrubbed. There is information that may interest you.”

“What information?” Shepard asked, her voice tense.

“Information on Project Lazarus,” EDI answered and Kaidan dropped his weapon momentarily, looking to Shepard. She was standing in front of the terminal, her weapon already stowed and her hands fisted at her sides. EDI continued, “Information on your resurrection.” EDI never turned away from the door she was hacking. Kaidan reached out with his free hand and placed it on Shepard’s shoulder. She covered his hand, glancing back at him briefly, before she reached out and activated the terminal.

The screen before them filled with images of Shepard’s body post Alchera - charred flesh, broken bones, armor melted to muscle. Her grip on his fingers tightened. They listened as the Illusive Man argued with one of his agents on whether or not this _project_ was possible. Whether or not Shepard, who was – by all accounts – clinically dead, could be revived. Kaidan had seen some images, and read the reports from Miranda, but the detail included in this file was more than he had seen. He had known she was dead, and brought back, but he also knew she never read the reports.

The video ended, cutting to static. There were more video files, but Shepard didn’t start them. Instead, she released his hand and lifted her omni’tool. She copied the data as EDI finished the hack. “Shepard—” Kaidan started.

“Later,” she answered, taking point and continuing through the station. Kaidan clenched his jaw and followed. Shepard’s step falteread the cavernous room opened before them; the space filled with an eerie glow. “No fuckin’ way,” Shepard muttered as she continued forward. Looking up, Kaidan saw what could only be the remains of the human reaper Shepard’s team had defeated on the Collector’s homeworld. “Cerberus must have gone back and collected it.”

It hung, suspended like a man in the stocks; its ghastly head bowed below its shoulders. Even non-functional, it sent a chill down Kaidan’s spine. The sheer size of the abomination would rival a skyscraper in Vancouver or New York. Kaidan knew it was one of the images that would haunt him for the rest of his days. It loomed over them, supported by reaper tech wires and scaffolding. Kaidan swallowed hard. He could only imagine what it had been like to fight this – nightmare. To watch the remains of the collected humans churn through the piping and power this monstrosity. Not for the first time, he wished he had been there with her, with them. He said as much.

She turned, briefly looking at him over her shoulder. “You’re here now,” she stated the obvious, her voice firm and confident. It was the reminder he needed in that moment. A reminder that the past had been forgiven.

“Until the end,” he answered in a whisper as they left the room, and the human reaper remains, behind them – as much as they would be able to. The words echoed in the small area and Kaidan ignored the chill that traced his spine.

They moved through the corridors, eliminating small pockets of Cerberus operatives left behind with a practiced efficiency, expending minimal energy and ammunition. They continued until EDI spoke through their helmet comms. “The station’s control room is behind this door. I am not reading any lifeforms inside. It appears they have abandoned the station. Hopefully, the information we need is still here.”

Shepard and Kaidan flanked the door as EDI hacked the locks. Kaidan met her eyes across the space, and he could tell the weight of the information she’d seen was already heavy on her mind. He knew how badly she needed this mission to be a success. They all did. He watched her quick inhale as the door opened and Shepard moved cautiously forward.

Calling the room expansive would be an understatement. The walls were windows overlooking the stars. There was a singular chair in the center of the room that faced a wall of monitors with a singular console. The nearby sun and stars lit the room in an orange hue and cast long shadows over the trio as the walked forward. EDI moved to the terminal, her hands ghosting over the keys as Shepard unhooked her helmet and clipped it to her hip. Kaidan copied her and kept walking when she stopped next to the seat.

“It appears as if Cerberus has vacated the station. There’s no one left here,” EDI spoke from the terminal without turning towards them.

Shepard let out a derisive snort. Kaidan turned to watch her; she stowed her rifle as her gloved hand ran over the seatback. “This was _his_ seat. This is where he sat when he lied to me, when he sent me to a live Reaper, when he told me the Collectors were after you,” she looked up and met his gaze from across the room. She tore her eyes away from him, and he felt it in his chest. “EDI, did you find the information on the catalyst so we can get the fuck out of here?”

“Shepard, there’s –“ EDI was cut off by the sound of boots hitting the floor. Kaidan turned, lining up his shot wihtout a second thought. Staring down the barrel at Kai Leng. Anger surged from his core, bubbling up his chest, and down to his hands. His finger twitched on the trigger.

“Did you really think he’d leave it here for you to find?” Leng’s gravel voice broke through the silence and echoed around them, mocking, taunting them. He drew his blade and it spun before him. He was a predator, and his eyes were locked on Shepard. Kaidan glanced at her, her eyes narrow and lips tight. She stepped forward, pulling her pistol from her hip.

“He left _you_ behind,” Shepard replied, steadying the gun in front of her.

“Oh, no, dear, dear _Lazarus_ ,” Leng replied, and Shepard visibly tensed. “I asked to stay. The Illusive Man left the moment you entered the system. He took the information on the Catalyst that _I_ retrieved for him, and he’s on his way to intercept the Crucible you built for him. See, my blade has tasted your flesh, your blood, and it aches for more.” The light glinted off the silver as it spun in his hand. Kaidan tasted the bile at the back of his throat as Leng dragged the violent memory to the surface. “We stayed to finish the job.”

There was no cerulean flash. There was no draw of power. There was no warning. There was simply Shepard, driving through the air in a biotic charge and connecting with Leng. She screamed when she hit him, and he stumbled back, but stayed on his feet. His cybernetic enhancements were stronger than even Shepard’s and gave him the advantage. Kaidan fired, round after round. Adding the cryo element to his ammo, and it barely slowed him down. The shots rebounded off Leng’s sheilds.

EDI added her skills to the battle, but Leng was just too fast, too strong even for the AI. They would send off an attack and Leng would simply not be there to receive it. Kaidan took cover behind the wall of monitors with EDI, and Shepard tucked herself in next to The Illusive Man’s chair. Leng stalked them, his lips spread in a grin and teeth gleaming in the glow from the windows. Shepard looked around the room, and paused. Kaidan watched as she evaluated and seconds before she acted, he realized what she was going to do.

She shot out the floor beneath Leng’s feet. It gave way, and beneath the broken glass was the hull of the station. Leng yelped as he fell the few feet to the metal beneath. The obstacle of uneven flooring would slow him down; it had to work, it was their only chance. Kaidan’s amp was burning at the back of his skull and his skin tingled with spent energy. He darted out from cover and continued to break up the floor as Shepard and EDI focused on Leng.

It was the first time Kaidan glimpsed fear in the operative, and it gave him a surge of momentum. They could do this. They _could_ win this. Sure, he’d told Shepard they would before but they’d both known it was talk. Now, as the operative faltered, tripping over loose wires and broken glass as Shepard moved on him like the lioness she was, it finally felt like the battle had turned. It finally seemed like they could win.  

Leng dropped to his knee in cover, and Shepard took a second to breathe. EDI and Kaidan stayed at her flank with their weapons ready. He felt her drawing on her power reserves; he could smell the singed hair at her implant site from the sheer heat of the amp. His own biotics responded to hers, singing beneath his skin. Bright blue energy raced over her form. Loose hair danced around her head; Medusa reborn and seeking vengeance. When Leng stood and started to charge towards her, eyes cold, mouth open in a battle cry, and bleeding from a cut at his hairline, she screamed and charged forward with every ounce of power she could muster.

They met in an explosion of biotics so bright Kaidan was forced to turn away. His heart skipped a beat in his chest as the silence fell around them. He was almost, _almost_ , afraid to look back, to see who was left standing. The room smelled of eezo, burnt flesh, and a hint of iron. Relief slid down his spine when he turned to find Shepard standing over Leng’s prone form, snarling. Her chest heaving as she glared down at the broken man. She spat on him and stepped away. She didn’t look at either Kaidan or EDI, but she moved to the chair at the center of the room. She stepped in front of the chair, and slowly lowered herself into it. Her hands ran along the arms. Fingers gripped the edge. She looked up at the monitors.

“EDI, there’s really nothing here, is there?” She asked, her voice firm but disappointment and anger dripped from her tone. Kaidan stowed his gun and stepped towards Shepard.

“I am sorry, Commander; they wiped everything,” EDI confirmed as she moved back to the console.

Shepard nodded. “Can you trace their path? Find out where they’re going?”

“I can,” EDI logged back onto the console as Shepard radioed Cortez for an extraction.

Kaidan almost didn’t hear it. It was a simple faint scratch and a rustle of fabric over his shoulder. He turned as Leng pushed himself to his feet. Stumbling, the assassin started to raise his pistol at Shepard. Suddenly, Kaidan wasn’t on the station, he was back at Sanctuary and Leng was standing over Shepard in the doorway. Blood pooling around her at his feet. Leng was sneering.

He’d tried to kill Shepard; no, he tried to kill _Sloan_. He _had_ killed her; her heart _had_ stopped beating. The woman he loved, the woman he planned on spending the rest of his days with, his best friend, his lover – this man had almost taken her from him.

Rage blinded him, and he felt his bellow more than heard it. He never made the conscious decision to move. He was just suddenly moving towards the agent. By the time he reached Leng, he’d managed to scoop the assassin’s dropped blade from the floor. Within a matter of heartbeats, he felt the blade cut through his flesh, slip between his ribs, and sinking hilt deep. Leng’s breath brushed over Kaidan’s cheek as his wide eyes filled with tears.

Kaidan felt his face split into a grin as the assassin’s hands covered his own, still on the sword. A primal satisfaction filled every available space in his chest as Leng feebly attempted to push, as if somehow, Leng thought he would survive. Kaidan could feel Shepard’s eyes on his back, and his chest swelled with masculine pride as he defended his mate. He grunted as he jerked his wrist, twisting the blade. Leng’s eyes grew impossibly larger; if not for the context, it would have been comical. Kaidan could feel the warmth of the blood through his glove as it spilled from the wound, pulsing with each of the man’s last few heartbeats. Kaidan watched as the life left the operative. Blood oozed from the corner of Leng’s mouth, and his eyes went blank and cold.

Kaidan felt what he could only describe as pure joy at the death of the man before him. It was unadulterated – and a quiet laugh bubbled from his gut and slipped from his lips in a triumphant chuckle. He released his hold on the grip of the weapon, and the body fell to the floor before him with a wet thud. The blade scraped against the floor, glistening as it protruded from Leng’s back. Kaidan turned on his heel. His boots squelched as he strode away.

He stopped at Shepard’s side, chest out and shoulders squared. Shepard was still seated in The Illusive Man’s chair, she hadn’t moved an inch in the time it had taken Leng to die. She reached up to take his hand. Leng’s blood made their grip slick, but he laced their fingers anyway. “I’ve got their destination,” EDI declared. Shepard looked at the AI. “They’re heading to the Sol system. More specifically, to Earth.”

“We suspected Earth would be where we made out final stand,” Kaidan offered, looking down to find Shepard watching him, a tenderness in her eyes that warmed him in the midst of this failure of a mission.

“It’s time to go home,” Shepard answered, standing and, much to Kaidan’s surprise, not releasing his hand as they made their way to the extraction point. EDI fell into step behind them. “Anderson’s been waiting for us, and I promised him a fleet. It’s time we deliver.”


	93. Chapter 93

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *taps mic* Is this thing on? Anyone out there? I'm not going to get into everything that caused a delay in my writing - if you follow me on tumblr, you're up to speed. That said, I have no intention of abandoning this fic. There will probably be about 100 chapters when all is said and done, and I have every intention of finishing this year. 
> 
> If you've left me a review - ever - thank you. It's because of you that this story made it this far and it's because of you that I'll finish it. Thank you for your support. 
> 
> I don't want to keep you, so I'll just say ... Enjoy! - TLC

They had nothing. Kai Leng was dead, sure, and that was a win, but the Illusive Man was gone - vanished; he was one step a head as he had been since they’d brought Shepard back. They had nothing, and they had no time left. Kaidan sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face as he stepped onto the elevator. He’d hoped for a straight shot up to his and Shepard’s room. He bit back a groan when Tali rushed forward and stopped the doors from closing.

She stepped forward, crossing her arms over her chest as she did. Her eyes flashing in her mask. “Hey, Kaidan,” her voice was soft, the trill from the filter quiet. Kaidan’s annoyance vanished as he watched her lean against the wall. Her voice had sent him back to when they’d met her, in the back alleys on the Citadel, fighting alone against The Shadow Broker’s men. She’d come so far since then; they all had. He returned the greeting on a tired sigh. He opened his ‘tool to check his messages. He looked up at the sound that escaped her. If she could snort through her mask and filter, she did, “You’re _still_ using the Logic Arrest?”

The cock of her hip and tilt of her head told him she was teasing, and he chuckled quietly as he powered down the tool. “It’s still the best model,” he insisted, engaging in their age-old argument. She turned then, and leaned against the wall with him.

“Not for running multiple attack processes simultaneously,” she countered, bumping his shoulder with hers. “You need a Nexus.”

He chuckled, “You never change, huh?”

“Nope,” she answered as the door opened on the crew floor. “And, apparently, neither does your omni’tool.” She stepped off the elevator, pausing and looking over her shoulder at him. “It’s good to serve with you again, Kaidan. I can’t think of a better group of people to spend … this time with.”

“You, too, Tali,” he smiled at her. “Tell Garrus I said good night.”

She giggled, “Will do.” The doors closed, leaving him alone with his disappointment again, and a sigh tore from his chest as he considered Shepard on the floor above him. He hadn’t seen her since Hackett had signed off. It was hard to miss the disappointment in the fall of the Admiral’s shoulders. As the Admiral’s posture fell, Shepard’s back straightened. Her face grew stony. Her hands clenched at her sides. Everyone expected so much of her, and they’d given her an impossible task. They had failed; she had failed, and their disappointment was something that weighed heavily on her.

He looked at the control panel, wondering why Cerberus – who had improved the design of the Normandy in so many ways - couldn’t make the elevator move faster. How long had it been since she’d retired to their room? It didn’t matter; it’s not like she’d be sleeping. She hadn’t slept well in days. Maybe tonight, now that all the cards were on the table, now that there was nothing left to be done except fight – finish the battle, however it would end – maybe now she would sleep.

The elevator door opened and he stepped towards their quarters, unsure what he would find when he crossed the threshold. He paused for just a moment before stepping forward, triggering the door to open. The lights were off; just the glow of the fish tank and the terminal at the top of the stairs illuminated his steps. The files from Lazarus filled the screen. An open bottle of whiskey sat next to the monitor. Her uniform was in a pile on the floor outside the bathroom. He could hear the water running through the door. He called out to her and waited. He swallowed thickly. His hands grew sweaty and his heart throbbed loud in his ears. He called her name again, and waited. Still no answer. His stomach churned until she finally opened the door.

She had turned back to the sink dressed only in her bra and briefs; one hand under the tap, water running over the fingers. She’d already showered. Her hair damp, combed out and hanging long down her back. “It’s strange,” she muttered as she stared at the sink. Kaidan stepped closer, barely. He wanted to say something, but he was at a loss. There was an energy in the air that was different than he’d ever felt around her.

“What’s strange?” he coaxed gently.

“I feel human. I mean, I feel like me. I don’t feel like a … husk.” Her voice broke on the last word and he closed the distance between them, wrapping his arms around her waist. She turned off the faucet and leaned back against him, her eyes closing tight. “I didn’t want to know. I … why did I look?” He tightened his grip on her. “I had a chance, you know.” She opened her eyes and met his in the mirror. “When Cerberus woke me, Chakwas asked if I wanted to see the records for _Project Lazarus_ but I told her no. I told her to tell me what I needed to know and nothing more. I didn’t want to think about them … reassembling me, and filling me with that corruption.” He pressed a line of kisses against her neck, wanting to reassure her, wanting her to feel loved and accepted just as she was.

She pulled out of his embrace, her damp hand lifting the glass off the sink and bringing it to her lips. He watched her as she downed the rest of the whiskey. He felt like he was crossing a field full of landmines and he had no idea where to step. She moved to set the glass down but she missed the sink, the glass falling and shattering on the floor. She cursed and dropped to pick them up before he could. He waited for her to settle before he said anything else. She spat out a curse and gripped one hand in the other as she stood.

Blood oozed between her fingers and he stepped forward reaching and turning the tap on again. She moved and let the water run over her fingers, the blood swirling as it escaped down the drain. He placed his hand on her hip and whispered, “Let me see.” She turned to stone at his touch and he looked to her face. She was staring at her wound. He glanced down; the metal of her rebuilt hand catching the harsh bathroom light. “Sloan, this is deep; you cut it to the bone.”

“That’s not bone,” she muttered, pushing away from him and taking an uncharacteristic stumble from the room. He swallowed hard, anticipating the worst as he shut off the water and followed her. He stepped around the glass shards on the floor. When he reached her in the bedroom, she’d pulled on a shirt, one of hers and he paused.

“You need to … Sloan, you need to wrap your hand. You’re bleeding all over everything,” he stepped towards her and she turned and held up a hand.

“No, no. You need to leave. You need to go, you can’t… I can’t let you do this to yourself! You have to leave. Why are you even with me? I’m … I’m a monster! The images … the information in those files… I’m… I’m _barely_ human! You want … you want a future, and a family, and … _children_ and… and what can I give you? What can I possibly give you!? Little … little half husk babies?! I can’t … no … you … you have to go!”

He stepped closer to her, picking up a discarded towel from the couch as he went. She stepped away from him, keeping the same distance between them. Her hand up defensively. “Sloan, I,” he paused when she flared, cerulean power dancing over her and making his hair stand on end. “Okay,” he stopped, his heart lurching as he watched blood drip from her wound to the floor. He dropped the towel on the bed and kept his hands up, palms out. “That,” he paused and pointed at the terminal, which still had the files displayed, “I’ve known about that for months now.” He watched her eyes dart from him to the terminal and back.

“What?” she dropped her hand, the blood continued to drip from her fingertips. He stepped closer. The look of confusion on her face was adorably alien. The emotions warring over her face were something not even he’d seen before. This was Sloan, just Sloan. Commander Shepard was no where to be found, and he would swear he fell a little more in love with her as he watched.

“Miranda. She visited me when I was at Huerta. She gave me copies of her files from Lazarus,” he took two steps closer to her. “Everything you saw there, I’ve seen already. I know… about the tech that was used. I know which bones were regrown, and which were rebuilt. I know what’s left from before Alchera. I know everything.”

She frowned. “How are you not disgusted by me?” His face softened as he closed the final distance; picking up the towel again. His movements slow and fluid. He took her hand with the other and slowly wrapped the towel around it, stopping the bleeding.

He placed his hand over her heart. “This, right here, this heart that’s beating in your chest... it’s the same heart that beat in your chest before Alchera.” He leaned forward and pressed his forehead to hers. She reached out with her uncut hand and gripped his shirt. “I don’t know how far you got in the files, but this heart is the same heart you’ve always had. It’s your heart. You’re … you’re you. You’re Sloan. You’re my Sloan. _This_ ,” he pushed against her chest, “when you were … gone, I heard _this_ in my sleep. I ached to hear it again.”

“A heartbeat?”

“No, not a heartbeat, _your_ heartbeat. You are still the same woman you have always been. Whether your parts are organic or synthetic. You’re still you,” he paused. He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her against him. “It’s in everything you do. It’s the way you care about your crew. It’s in the way you help everyone who asks. It’s in the way you lead, and the way you inspire.” He lifted her chin with one finger and locking his eyes on hers. “It’s in the way you look at me.” She shook her head and dropped her eyes again, a smile tugging at her lips. “It’s in the way you smile, the way you touch me. It’s in the way you ki—”

Her lips pressed against his, and he kissed her back with equal fervor and no reservations, no hesitation, not a single missed beat. His tongue chased hers eager to taste and tease and ease her fears, her worries. She pulled herself closer to him, lifting herself off the floor, one leg wrapping around his waist. He stepped back and hit the bed, sitting on the edge. She climbed into his lap, but he pulled back. “I should wrap your hand,” he explained, shifting at the tightness in his pants.

She brought her hands between them, and he took them in his. He lifted them to his lips and pressed kisses to her fingers and knuckles. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a packet of medi-gel. She chuckled, her cheeks flushing. He smeared the antiseptic gel over the cut before reaching back into his pocket and pulling out a bandage to wrap around it. She leaned forward and kissed him again. He laughed into her kiss and cupped her face in his hands. She shifted, pushing him back on the bed. His hands slid under her shirt, it bunched at his wrists as he caressed her skin. She moved her kisses down his neck, nibbling, and sucking gently.

An alarm sounded. It was a quiet alarm, not like a ship wide alert or even an alarm that would wake him up. He ignored it as her hands moved to the untuck his shirt. She groaned in frustration. “What is that?” she asked against his neck and he laughed as he pushed her away. She sat back, a disappointed pout pulling at the corners of her lips. She watched him. It took him a moment to place the sound. He opened his omni’tool, and his heart almost stopped.

His eyes grew wide as he stared at the screen. It took him a long time to figure out exactly what he was looking at. How was it possible he had plans for the crucible on his omni’tool? He’d never transferred them to his ‘tool. “What is it Kaidan?” Sloan asked him, her concern clear in the timbre of her voice. Ice ran through his veins.

He couldn’t believe it. He’d forgotten all about it. He hadn’t even thought about it in years. “Get up,” he said tapping her thigh and she moved, falling off him. He sat up, scrolling though the data on his omni’tool. His heart was somewhere near his throat and his stomach right behind it. If this was what he thought it was, it would change everything, but the language - he couldn’t understand it. He looked at her, sitting cross legged on the bed next to him. Her eyes wide and her eyebrow cocked as she watched him try to figure it out. _She could_. “Sloan… is this what I think it is?” he showed her the screen, and watched her face as her eyes moved over the plans before her. It was bizarre to watch her read Prothean and understand it. Her eyes grew distant when she did, like he could watch her accessing some remote corner of her psyche.

“Kaidan, that’s… where did you get this?” she asked, excitement in her tone as she got off the bed and moved to the pile that was her uniform.

“What is it?” he asked, needing the confirmation. This couldn’t be what he thought it was. The odds were astronomical.

“Kaidan, those are the complete plans for the Crucible. Including, if I’m correct, the Catalyst,” he almost threw up when she confirmed his suspicion. “We need to see Javik, and probably Liara, but first you need to tell me where these came from,” she said as she pulled on her pants.

“I’ve had them,” he answered simply, still not believing it. His eyes grew dry as he stared at his screen. Excitement and nerves rolled through his gut making him queasy.

“Kaidan,” her tone was hard, firm; she was the Commander.

“Since Ilos,” he answered simply, with a shrug. “I told you I … copied extra files from Vigil when I copied the code.” She froze, eyes wide as she stared at him. A smile broke out on her face as she crossed the room in three fast steps. “I … I didn’t even remember that I had them. I’ve had the decryption program running on them since… well, since Vancouver, after the Battle of the Citadel.”

She kissed him. “I don’t think I have ever loved the tech nerd in you more than I do right now.” He laughed when she pulled back. His eyes dropped to his omni’tool as she moved to finish dressing, asking EDI to have Javik and Liara meet her in the War Room. He couldn’t believe their luck. If they were right, and this is what they thought it was, the fact that they’d left Cerberus Headquarters with nothing didn’t matter. If they were right, and this is what they thought, they had a real chance. She finished dressing and they moved to the elevator. She looked up at him as she twisted her hair into a bun, securing it with her pins.

“Kaidan,” He looked down into her eyes. “We’re going to win.”


End file.
